I'm a 20 year old guy and just came out of a serious 1.5 year relationship, after knowing her for 5 years before that. These videos have honestly opened my eyes to so many of my own bad behaviours. Thank you very much for sharing these videos, I've learnt so much from them, and hope one day I can have the emotional maturity to bring happiness to all that surround me.
No offense, but you can’t be 20 and have a serious one year relationship. All of that just makes me want to laugh. Regardless, I’m glad you learned some lessons and are learning from these shorts; better than nothing. God for bid anybody read an actual self-help book or go to counseling. No, all answers lie within the confines of social media, or TH-cam.
I told my ex not to call me a bitch during an argument. He then proceeded to call me a bitch every time he wanted to escalate and argument. Walk away .. run from such people. They don’t love you.
I got called a bitch, a burden, and a cunt . None of which I am . The breakup should have happened then . Because he was telling me what he thought of women in general . Because of his mom. Next was FULL BLOWN transference, where he just kept treating me like bitch- cunt-burden . When Merrick said , Jen , women want to be you. Thanks Merrick for THAT reality check.
Yes, my “Christian” ex-fiancé called me a dumba$$ bitch, an effin’ bitch, and MUCH worse, during every argument over 4 years, then would post scriptures on FB, making him look good. Made me want to vomit. Totally plowed through the boundaries I set, then acted shocked when I left.
When my husband and I first got together, we agreed to fight fair which means no name calling, no bringing up old arguments, keep on the current topic and if anyone gets overheated, they can ask for time away and the other person needs to wait until they are ready to talk again to allow tempers to cool. This has worked very well for us so far. Even when we disagree, or get mad, we never create permanent damage to the relationship.
I struggle with hating myself because of all the behaviors i learned from my dad. Every time i realize im doing something he did, I literally just want to run away in the night and never come back into the peoples lives that ive hurt. Let them move on I literally DIDNT KNOW you could have an emotional argument without screaming, throwing things, swearing, name calling until embarrassingly late, because those were the ONLY kinds of arguments i ever, ever had, from dad getting mad at us kids for breaking a dish or being a bit too loud, or when we are older and simply dont want to live our adult lives according to his script. If you dont scream back he will just continue on and on, literally had times where it goes for 10 hours into the night, of you being silent as he swears and threatens you and degrades you, and you have work or school next morning I havent respected others boundaries whilst expecting mine to be perfectly followed because at home, the most aggressive dog gets the bone. Its a hierarchy. And you keep your place if you dont want to get used for labor, free transport, free therapy, as an atm or a scapegoat Ive becone a stay at home mooch, just like him, because he used my illness as an opportunity to take almost all my savings, my job options are limited, and in this economy you cant even get your feet under you in a roach motel, and i have expensive meds (for an autoimmube dusorder from chronic stress) I try so, so hard to be everything he is not, i become debilitated whenever i see any of him within myself, i hate him, hes done so much damage, taken so many of my years, so much of my money, and no matter how much research, how much change and choices and apologies, he somehow returns within me. The things i would do to erase him from my mind, memory and life, if they were possible, cannot be repeated
@@dflaming1371I hope things get better for you. By the sound of it, you're already 10 times the person he ever was. I wish you health and happiness. 🫂
I’m sooo glad you addressed the potential pushback of “you’re giving ultimatums and controlling me?!” That happens so often, and especially with someone who is a people pleaser or unused to setting boundaries, it can totally hijack the conversation and leave us (people pleasers/soft boundaries) questioning ourselves and we leave feeling like we are the bad guy, powerless, confused and guilty. I love these shorts you do around mental health and psychological topics
@@kaitlynmorgan4613 I mean the specific push-back against setting a boundary, where someone says “oh, what, now you’re trying to control me?!” I’m a people pleaser, and someone playing victim like that and trying to paint me as the bad guy (when in actuality I’m enforcing a boundary around myself and my actions, not controlling what they do or don’t do) has totally de-railed me in the past. I’m thankful that this short video addresses that specific push-back and calls it what it is. I’ve now learned the response is to stay calm, and clarify what I actually said by simply re-stating the boundary and what I am going to do if the boundary is disrespected.
The way the girl in the video approached the conversation calmly and by promising to come back after thirty minutes makes it not an ultimatum. If the girl is like “I’m walking away if you do this or that”, then it would be an ultimatum even if it’s a reasonable request. It has to come from an honest intention to make things work
@@julyol119this is so true! almost makes me wonder if you even catch yourself in the position of having to reinforce a boundary maybe the relationship isn't one you should hold on to
It is really hard to do but it's so important, and it's genuinely helpful to the person you're setting boundaries with so please don't let guilt stop you. I was the name-calling aggressor once and I desperately needed people to do this to me to get myself under control and I'm so happy and grateful to all boundary-setters out there ❤
Thank You, No ugly name calling, whether you meant it or not. You cannot take words back. Ugly words repeated WILL do damage. Love your shorts. So validating and insightful.
Names come from a certain place, there is truth under there. So if they say they don't mean it, I don't buy it. And some ppl absolutely use it on purpose to push those buttons and get that explosive reaction
Absolutely true. Untold judgement comes out in the ugliest way possible with name-calling. I'm still healing my relationship with my mother because of it, and another relationship with an ex didn't survive it.
yeah my dad always name calling or curses us out if there’s a disagreement about something… my mum says it’s just his temperament and he doesn’t mean it and that he loves us but i don’t want to think like that… that kind of name calling or threatening to disown your own children is definitely not okay and definitely shouldn’t just be accepted and not addressed because it is ‘part of his temperament’
I really love that you have the other person in the interaction get defensive. Too often you see these roleplays where one partner sets a boundary and the other accepts it willingly and immediately and that’s just not reality. Thank you for these!
"I'm not trying to control you. I'm retaining my right to protect myself by removing myself from a bad situation, and I'm doing the polite thing of informing you of my intentions so that you won't feel rejected by them."
The fact that my boyfriend responds to these conversations by saying: "You're right, it's my fault, I shouldn't have yelled no matter the situation, I understand if next time any of these are present that we can take a break and come back to the conversation again.' It's why I love him so much.
I would be careful that he isn't just saying words that he thinks you want to hear. If at the next argument he starts yelling again, doing the things he said he wouldn't do, then he hasn't changed. Actions speak louder than words.
But now that's kinda fucked up. They actually responded with care in a mature way, admitting their fault. It is delusional to think that everything will change in an instant. Change is a process, and those conversations need to keep happening. Change doesn't happen at the pace you wish it does, and they deserve as much patience as you do. If your response to a slip backwards on a journey forward is a "I knew you wouldn't change" then you need to mature a bit yourself.@@foxjacket
@@foxjacket One of the best approaches I've ever had for this was monthly structured check ins. (By structured I mean we had a whole agenda and scheduled a neutral day to discuss where no fights were happening: addressing fights even if they were resolved, to just check in that the resolution is working, etc. look up "agile scrum for relationships" and I think the article will still come up, it was great. It also allowed us to have a space to express appreciation and acknowledge the progress made. It was so, so, so helpful. In fact, that relationship partially fell apart I think because at some point we got "too busy" for our scrums and didn't make the time or space for them. 😅
“When you ___, I will ___,” and then follow through. A simple concept I didn’t learn until my 50’s. I could have had much healthier relationships had I learned boundaries as a child, teenager, or young woman. This video is an excellent example.
I was very used to being called nasty things in arguments with exes, friends and family - then I met my boyfriend. Before we even had our first argument, I grew some balls and told him that if we ever argue, I would not call him any names and I would not tolerate it if he called me any names. He looked horrified and said he'd never call me names, angry or not. He said it was just disrespectful behaviour and there are other ways to deal with anger. In almost 6 years, he has never ONCE called me a name or shouted at me. We have only argued a small handful of times because we know how to de-escalate and communicate. I never thought these kinds of people existed before him, but they really are keepers!
That is a good example, but it gives me anxiety thinking about what happened next in this scenario. My "friend" lately said to me " don't you throw your boundaries in my face" and it was a wake up call for me. Looks like if you have trouble with boundaries at least some people in your life right now you will have to leave behind after those conversations.
But what does the fried or "friend" actually mean by that? It could be something like, _"Come off your high horse already; don't you play High and Mighty with me!"_ -- I grew up blue collar and have only recently acknowledged that, for better or worse, that's where my roots still are. So quite frankly, "highbrow talk" with therapy lingo for a lengthy time can annoy me when I'm already stressed out. So I could see how I could get fed up with someone talking "my boundaries this, my boundaries that" all the time. That would be _my_ boundary... maybe. 😉😄🤷😒
Yeah, someone who doesn't want to be shown your boundaries is saying they want to disregard you unchallenged. That's not someone who's interested in a healthy relationship, and it's not someone who cares about you for yourself.
Exactly. The relationship may end after you express a boundary or try to enforce it. Working through the anxiety that can come from this may take some time, but I have learned that it is necessary for my long-term well-being (and the other person's as well). I have been cut off after crossing a boundary (due to not having the capacity at the time to honor the boundary). It didn't feel good, but I learned my lesson. In some cases, life was taking us in different directions and we did not reconcile. In other cases, we eventually reconciled (although the relationship had to change drastically). I have also cut others off after they crossed a boundary. I'm sure it didn't feel good to them either. In most of these cases, the cutoff was not immediate and occurred due to prolonged neglect or disregard for the relationship (sometimes intentional, sometimes not). However, the better all of us become at recognizing toxic situations (or that the people in our lives cannot show up in healthy ways for whatever reason) the quicker these cutoffs take place.
@@thekingsdaughter4233 you know, I've been spinning around wondering wether I'm not overreacting and so on... but then I looked at the big picture of that conversation and how that relationship was and in that context it just did not look good. Those relationships are so slippery and hard to explain. You have to see if there is a pattern to their behaviour and evaluate against that. If attempts at communication keep failing that is a bad sign. In the end you can't control anyone but if they want to be close to you they have to respect you in a basic way.
Hands down this worked with my Dad. Everytime he name called I said "Ok and we're taking a break. The end." Took years but he got out of the loop. Works with some people. My narcissist ex, it didn't. You get one of those... Run for the hills.
I should try this with my dad. We dont fight often, but when hes upset... HES UPSET. He's a huge name caller and comparior. He crosses my boundary of comparing me to my toxic mother (which I told him not to do btw) a lot when we fight and he really has no idea how much it hurts. I'm pretty sure he actually does it to hurt my feelings more/escalate an argument more, which hurts even more since he's using information I trusted him with against me. My dad kinda turns into a huge toddler when he gets upset, and treating him as a adult I respect is really hard when he acts like he has no idea how to handle anger. He also is the kinda guy to walk away, then come back 2 seconds later screaming abt something else. As a legal adult myself, I think if he cant act as such, we should wait until he has calmed down. Remeber parents, screaming does not make children respect or understand, it makes them fear. And raising children to constantly walk on eggshells will develop a relationship that is unhealthy. I should know.
My parents are similar. When my mom shouts dad doesn't speak back and vice versa. When they cool down they discuss the problems. They're married for 35yrs and dated 7 years before marriage.
Ugh. One of my good friends has a narc ex who is also her baby daddy. And she had a recent encounter with him and after he got what he wanted - because he was on his best behavior. When she said she was going to move soon he flipped a switch. Refused to leave her car, belittled her, said things like no wonder you're single (also he's single lmao), and oh didn't work out with that older man you were dating now did it, and then took his time getting out of the car and it was also in front of their toddler where he slammed the door and it made the toddler cry. She's been holding her ground and she's grown a lot over the past few years. But I keep telling her that per their custody agreement (which he's the one that signed away his parental rights) she doesn't need to let him see their kid except every other holiday. I said he's trying to use their toddler as a pawn and watch when they turn 12/13 and they have a mind of their own, they're not going to want anything to do with their kid. She's still moving. I hope it's sooner rather than later.
My exs family told him I was “trying to control him” when I started crying after he did and said horrible things to me. His dad told him to “control his woman.” Yeah. Sometimes toxic family bs runs deep.
So happy you’re out of there. But I know how hard it is to see the good in someone and wish so much that they could grow past their family’s terrible choices and habits ❤️
My (ex) step father put his hands on me in a very inappropriate way for many years growing up. When my mom finally found about the SA, so did the rest of his family (especially when she left him), including his own mother. She ended up telling my mother that “it’s ok! We can work through this! ALL families have their issues! All you have to do is take him back and we’ll figure out the rest!” My mother was disgusted and she wondered what BS she (her now ex MIL) was put through as a house wife herself by her own husband for inappropriate behavior that she just tolerated to keep that perfect family image and that it’s no wonder how her son turned out to be such a disgusting person because of it. My mom obviously didn’t listen to her but that was one of my biggest fears if she found out was that she wouldn’t listen to me about it because some families ARE conditioned to just keep shit like that quiet bead how they are raised. The main reason why I waited so long to say anything was because the same thing happened to my friend and the new broken out about it not long before my story did except that my friend’s mom actually sided with her husband and did call my friend a lair over it to keep her family together. Because my friend had no where to go still being a teen, she was forced to still live under his roof and deal with it because nothing came of it. Families will go through great lengths to protect their ‘loved one’ just to keep their families together EXCEPT for doing the right thing to actually protect the most vulnerable ones within their families. Obliviously my story is a little different, but it just shows how deep some of these families are conditioned to just protect the wrong people. I got’ lucky’ in my bad situation, my friend, not so much.
I told my brother in law that I won't tolerate certain behavior, he called me on the phone to tell me I was stupid, then texted my husband and told him to control his wife. 😂 My husband was like, yeah that's a no.
I feel this in my soul. My mother gets genuinely triggered if I try to walk away from her or leave the room when she's insulting me... it's why I had to move out at 18. The way "baseball cap guy" responded struck such a painful chord. I understand that my mom was terribly abused before I was even born, and that me walking away from her brings up horrible memories and triggers her PTSD. But also... I deserve to be safe from that, too. She said that I needed to submit to her and that I had no right to demand a boundary. She demanded that I stand still, look her in the eye, be silent, and submissively take it. I was not allowed to be angry or even disagree. She just wanted me to look her in the eye while she screamed at me, and beg forgiveness when she was done. So I moved out as soon as legally possible. I love her so much still, and it hurts to this day. It's been almost 10 years now. But I can't let this cycle take me, too.
I'm so sorry. That's awful. Good on you for moving out. I did that with my dad too. You made the right decision. Being with someone that abusive will destroy your mental health.
That’s so big of you to recognize that both things can be true: she can be reacting out of genuine trauma, AND you deserve to be treated with respect. That’s such a hard balance to strike, good on you!
I moved across the country from my angry, screaming mother. We grew to eventually have a relationship with each other, although I have never forgotten the abuse.
Thank you! Even if, due to their closed mentality, you never reach many men with how to treat women you are teaching women how to remove themselves from the wreckage with dignity
Just found your channel last night and I can see so CLEARLY what I tolerated and my disrespectful actions too. Thanks for your channel. What a blessing!
Hey! I just wanted to drop a comment to thank you for these shorts. I'm a guy trying to unlearn bad behaviors and your videos are always great for quick breakdowns of how certain actions affect my partner. Creators like you are desperately needed for men trying to go down this journey. Keep doing what you're doing!
I used to have a problem with always yelling when i got into arguments because of behavior modeled to me by adults as a child. My now partner of 18 years threw a boundary down about it almost as long ago, telling me he refused to be yelled at even in arguments. He actually saved me so much pain that day. I complied with his request and found myself becoming a more calm person and much better equipped to deal with conflict. I found out when I'd raised my voice before it only served to confuse my emotions further and escalate conflict. Learning to talk through conflict instead of getting heated has made me a way more content person overall because I don't have to experience the rage that gets stirred up within me when I raise my volume.
You had to be given the example of a safe space to have your feelings and talk them out, not fly off the handle based on what's in your head and totally startle the person.
Your comment about how raised volume can escalate my own rage, anger, etc and that it is within my control was very powerful for me. Thank you for sharing!
You've made a very important and insightful point - that yelling increases irrationality and doesn't help resolve conflicts or express views points well.
I really needed this. Been looking for a way to say this without "you're abandoning us" as a response. I always feel guilty and then stay and put up with verbal abuse. I needed to hear this worded this way. Thank you
Learning to set boundaries has been a total game changer for me. The first step to being able to set our boundaries is to be able to clearly define them. It’s often not an easy task.
Amen! Healthy boundaries are based on core values. Once I realized that formula, I didn’t struggle so much. Same goes for making tough decisions in life.
Setting a boundary is one thing. The act of keeping these boundaries is another. I tried to walk away from an argument with my ex. I informed him that l wanted to walk away before either of us said things that we didn't mean. His response was blocking me from leaving the room. Throw my cellphone crashing to the floor. Putting his hand around my neck, lifting me off the floor. I couldn't breathe. It's not always safe to set boundaries.
I started dating a girl I've been friends with last year and one of the first things I did was set a boundary without even realizing it. (I gave her an option at the time but she's wonderful so she followed it.) For context, we're online dating but I'd probably do this anyway if I needed it. The boundary was that when I'm feeling really emotional, it's really hard for me to actually fully express vocally what I'm feeling without stumbling over my words or forgetting something or even just struggling to speak in general. So after confessing to each other and after I got home from college, we just DM'd each other for like 5 hours straight before having a private call where we couldn't stop doting on each other. It was so nice. I can't remember a time I loved hearing her voice more.
@@justaperson748I'm not a parent myself, but I think as long as it's clear that the conversation has to continue, then yes I would let that child leave the room. If they need time to regulate their emotions, I would see it as them putting themselves in a time out. I wouldn't want my child to be frightened to speak their minds, or don't feel the space to express and explore their emotions. It's never okay for a kid to cross your boundaries either, but they still need to learn how to traverse conflict. However, if they are trying to void conflict by going to another room, I think that would have to be addressed. Why do they feel the need to avoid conflict?
@@loesdevries152 I would try to leave fights as a child since they got too bad. Yelling, name calling and a lot of very hurtful things said by both me and parent. I was too young to think about continuing the argument some other time I just knew I had to leave but couldn’t
@@justaperson748 I'm so sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately we don't have much of a say as children when it comes to emotionally immature parents. We just survive (I can speak from experience). In the case you're describing, I would encourage the child to leave the conversation. Tell the parent that they will not tolerate the namecalling in as calm a manner as possible. And if the situation is dangerous go to a place where you feel safe (preferably another house with other people), and ask them to help.
After listening to your videos left and right for a few days, I've have to say thank you. And thank you for letting me know that I've done 95% right in the past, so now I'm shooting for 100% and get me that happy end. You're making good work, keep it up. Keep helping people. Thank you.
I agree, but if I'm already in relationship with someone, I believe in giving them a chance to grow and learn. If they refuse to make a sincere effort to respect my boundaries, then I'm out the door.
Thank you! I am going to use this with my grown up adult son who gets very aggressive with me. This is a great way to set boundaries, can’t thank you enough 🙏
Thank you for this, I never even knew about boundaries until my ex said he was the only one allowed to have them, as he had mental health issues! Of course I now know he was a covert narcissist and I didn’t know how to handle him. Thank you 🙏🏻
It took me 40 years as a person to set this boundary with my mother this year. She gaslite me on the phone, argument started and she started to scream on top of her lungs like she always does... I told her I'm not going to continue this conversation if she screams and yell. I'll talk to her later if she wants to continue the conversation.
She’s your mother. She won’t want to continue a conversation that acknowledges her faults. She would rather keep screaming until you’re silenced and broken again than admit fault and try to change. She would likely rather lose you as her child and talk shit about you behind your back to other family members than try to change, and the other family members will likely side with her because “she’s the adult, and you’re the child”.
@@susagean2080I feel this is a lot of your own trauma talking. That's understandable, but it isn't the truth for everyone, which makes it poor advice for a stranger whom you nothing about. Their mother may very well be capable of change for the better, but advice like this will choke that possibility before it can ever be explored.
At this point, if I ever heard "so you're trying to control me" or "so you're threatening me" when I'm being vulnerable and expressing my feelings or boundaries in a respectful way, I'm leaving for good, I've had enough.
Never in our 17 year old relationship have we insulted each other. I save all my patience and respect for him. If I lose it, I'd rather lose it with people who don't mean the world to me.
You save all your patience and respect for him but the rest of the world doesn't matter? Do you "lose it" on waiters? Neighbours? Colleagues? Wow, just wow... I hope this was just a figure of speech and that you were not being serious...
@@djune286 same 😂, I want to think she meant it in a "good way" because she loves her partner sm, but dude, is not OK to blast with others just because is not your beloved one (there might be reasons to get angry tho)😅
@@djune286A. It's *figurative speech. Not "figure of". B. She said "IF". She didn't say she does it regularly. She's saying in the event it may happen (which there is a chance of it happening with everyone), she'd rather do it where it's not a real loss versus a big one, (which is VERY reasonable). She never said she takes out her anger on anyone. In fact, it easily reads as maybe if she's having a bad day and it's too much and she explodes somehow (which has happened with literally EVERYONE at some point. Nobody is born with emotional maturity), it's better to do it with people who don't matter than those who do. And idk who needs to hear this, but everyone in the world is unimportant to everyone else. However, everyone is also VERY important to someone else. You can't please everyone, and you don't know everyone. No person can bear the weight of the world, so it's easier (and more reasonable, quite frankly...) to take care of those closest to you. OC is reflecting that sensible practice.
Had this exact conversation with my brother-in-law. Had to remind him that boundaries have nothing to do with what he can do, but what I allow in my life ❤
Yep! I told my husband years ago that if he yells in an argument i will walk out and wont continue the conversation until i am ready and feel respected. We havent had a single screaming match since. We now approach our differences in a calm and mature way. ❤
As a social worker - these videos are SO GOOD and constructive. They are so helpful & educational ... that I can even overlook the dollar store wig ....
Gave this exact advice to my friend when she was having arguments with her husband, so she started explaining this to him and even leaving the room when he would get heated and aggressive and abusive... Aaaaaand he just followed her from room to room as be berated her. This is BUSTING a boundary - and it is not the fault of the person who sets the boundary, nor is it their responsibility to own the behaviour of their partner when they're like this. Removing yourself from the situation SHOULD be the safe thing to do and if a partner doesn't respect that even when it's very clearly communicated, they're not safe to be around. If they can bust that boundary in an instant with no regard or respect for you, that is not your fault. And you can't force them to respect your boundary or you. Know when you're not being respected. Don't accept this behaviour. If it continues, know when to leave safely.
Except you don't just disrespectfully turn around and walk away. You've got to use your words and say "I'm removing myself because this is too much" or whatever your reason is.
@@autumnzephyr Passive aggressive behavior can be a form of abuse. The 'female' character in this little vignette DID give an ultimatum. It was a take it or leave it, all or none statement. It was unilateral, definitive and final. How is that not controlling and not an ultimatum? Technically 'she' didn't give an 'or else', maybe that's why people don't see it as an ultimatum. Sorry. I grew up with this and am now married to it. It's abusive.
@mfawls9624 hmmm, that's a tricky concept. And why I would have trouble setting boundaries as it can sound like an aggressive ultimatum - even though it's fair enough to ask to not be name called etc. I guess it's a matter of what the overall pattern or vibe is. Some of the people I've been involved with- essentially deep down they didn't care about me feeling safe or comfortable, I was being used and a punching bag, so I left them all. Nothing I said would have helped or improved this underlying dynamic, but it took me time and trying to resolve or calm things before I realised what their underlying motives were.
Jimmy is doing a service for HUMANITY. These ❤ brilliant scenarios are so helpful and supportive. Grateful! [100 extra bonus points for the best character in the scene: "The classic Wig".]
If someone is that defensive, emotionally immature, & unwilling to see their behaviors like the person in this video, then I think it’s time to walk away from that relationship. I’ve never seen people who act like that actually respect boundaries. They use your boundaries against you for the next argument. Find someone who respects and loves you and who has emotional maturity. You’ll be so much happier.
This is a tough one! I swear, growing up, name calling was my family's love language. It taught me the ability to know that I don't have to be reactive to somone else's bullshhht. At the same time, this behavior absolutely crushes my husband. It's taken me years to say what I've got to say without any colorful adjectives... even when my buttons are pushed. It's so deeply ingrained, that I still have to catch myself from reverting. When I do, I feel a great sense that I've failed my husband in those moments. I acknowledge, I apologize, and I take full responsibility for my behavior. We can't help the ways we were raised, but with effort we can better ourselves and become healthier happier people. I'M A WORK IN PROGRESS! ❤😊❤😊❤
Does he have to accept and adapt at all to your background? I too grew up similarly to you, four brothers. It's how we talked, how people in my region of the country talked. Moved to the southern US and have been forced to adjust. However, I find the south to be obtuse and stilted. You can't really have a conversation here. It's not surprising that slavery flourished in the south. It was a caste system and now it's linguistic customs are being adopted nationwide.
@mfawls9624 You make some really good points. I think my husband's sensitivity level has decreased some. I'm a jokester and that has helped him develop more and more of a sense of humor. Life is brilliant & fcked up, you've gotta laugh about it or you'll cry all the time. Over the years, our styles have blended and we've become greater & greater friends. I've become a lot softer and he's toughened. When you love each other, you try to adapt. I'm more adoptable, that's why I watch these types of vids. Having more tools in the toolbox helps. 💛🤍🩵
Sadly I grew up in a house where no one respected boundaries or showed love to their loved ones, I’ve been struggling with my relationships because of this, I’m working really hard to understand the other side of things not just my perspective, your videos are REALLY helping me out, thank you so much!
I love how you point out the flaws that so many men have and that people are reacting positively and learning from them. A lot of men are aggressive, and I acknowledge that there are reasons they think they're expected to act that way, but I'm glad they're learning they don't have to.
Boundaries based on values! If I value mutual respect in all situations, I’ll have a boundary like this around yelling & name calling. It can totally work….with healthy people. Boundaries are the best way to suss out if the other person is healthy or not. The least healthy people will protest because they benefitted in the past from our lack of boundaries.
I have asked not to be yelled at by my partner during a disagreement. Or cussed at. “ You act like I ABUSED YOU. I could do worse…😂“ So I can see he doesn’t take it seriously. 😅
@@lacesspace I’m so sorry, it sounds like you’ve got a very unhealthy person on your hands & no amount of healthy behavior on our part works when the other person is still in the dark. 🫣 Like the video says he can do whatever he wants, but YOU have the right to let him know you’ll walk away next time. And you’ll have to stick to it. The way he responds when you enact that boundary will tell you more about him. If he has any respect for you, honoring your own boundary will make him step up. In healthy relationships we turn TOWARDS each other during conflict, not ON each other. When the relationship has an issue, we have an issue together. Y’all are supposed to be on the same team. I get it. It’s hard. I’ve been married a couple of times. Make sure you honor & respect yourself, especially if you have children who are around this energy. 🙏🥰
Sickening when people act like you're controlling them because you have boundaries about them controlling you, example you have to stay in the room, the female character in the video was communicating on such another level that there's no reason or way to continue with someone on "his" level. Love this video by the way
My ex did that to me constantly. If i asked him not to yell or insult me he'd scream _"You're just trying to control me and my feelings!!!"_ And every time I'd reply _"No, I'm t trying to get YOU to control them"._ We were together for 13 years, and it was only the last 3years that he became like that. For 10 years, he never even called me a bitch or a c*nt, but then, the words came so easily to him. And ofc he'd gaslight me and say he never said that and if he did it was "maybe once or twice ever". Total trash. My new partner is so incredible, kind, caring and takes accountability. He de-escalates when he notices he's getting irritated, and we disengage. Every time. He's a real gem!😊
Exactly!!!!! I recently left my relationship because he's an alcoholic. He told me he's a grown man and can do what he wants. I told him he's absolutely correct, but it goes both ways and I'm a grown women and I don't need to stay and watch it. It was a tought decision, but I have an 8 year old that also doesn't need to see it every day. I did tell him if he wants to get help I will support him, but as of dating and living together I needed to distances myself.
That's just being controlling. Honestly like some people cannot make prolonged eye contact as shown in people with autism and other mental illnesses. I could understand if someone was being disrespectful getting frustrated with them but you can't just control people's actions. You can only control your own.
@RoxanneSwithin heck, even when I'm just telling a story, I always look off into the distance. Sometimes my friends think I'm staring at someone or something and I have to remind them that I'm just thinking about what I'm talking about. Lol
If you are doing things you “didn’t mean to” YOU are out of control. Just like driving recklessly you are culpable. You are in the driver’s seat don’t be reckless . You can do real damage, even if you’re usually a good driver. You could “total” your relationship, insurance don’t pay for that one❤
My husband and I have set a clear boundary where neither of us name-call in heated moments. Not to say our heat moments are pretty, they're certainly not... But we have set a level of respect that we maintain despite anything else.
Your content has helped me initiate hard conversations and also at the same time because of those conversations, my partner and I have less conflict and now actively work on figuring out how to communicate instead of pushing conflict under a rug! Thanks!
Wonderful advice, thank you. Name calling is really bad because you may forgive it but you'll never forget it and that person has lost part of your heart.
Exactly!!!! Had this convo with my husband at 1am this morning. He said forgetting is part of forgiving. NOPE!!!! You should watch what you say because once it's said, you can't take it back and it will always be in my head. He has lost MORE than a part of my heart.
THIS is how you set boundaries. You can’t control other people’s behavior, but you can control how you respond to keep yourself safe. A boundary means “I will no longer stay in a situation where I spend any energy on this hurtful behavior from you.”
The real challenge is to speak your boundary without an edge in your voice as you speak. You've got to work against the thought ' I really shouldn't have to be telling you this.' and remain as neutral as possible. Elevated self control.
Did her stating and holding a boundary make anyone else super anxious? Guess I need to work on having better boundaries. I’ve definitely been called names before
My friend used to use these "boundaries" against me. How they are explained here in the video is good, just remember that pausing a conversation to calm down DOESN'T mean ending it. He used his so-called boundaries to stop any of my attempts to communicate the problems. Removing yourself to process negative emotions so as not to lash out at the other person is fine, but using "boundaries" to escape conversations is just frustrating. There's a difference. What he did was a tactic to dismiss me in lieu of keeping a "healthy" friendship where boundaries are kept and respected. I'm sad I realised what he was doing too late and believed him for a long time.
No one is responsible for your problems or “processing” your problems except you. It would probably be more conducive to work out your problems with a trained professional/therapist and then come back to your friend in a solution/resolution oriented mind frame instead of a blaming mind frame.
My husband's previous girlfriend had used crying to stop discussions and it took a while before he got comfortable with the fact that in my family we had been taught about having uncomfortable adult discussions and that crying was just evidence that these issues evoked strong emotions and were NOT a reason to stop a discussion about a resolution. (And yes, we were also taught it was okay to take a breather if necessary.)
I think Jimmy actually has a video along these lines. I think it was titled something along the lines of "weaponizing therapeutic language." Anyway yeah it's totally wrong.
I love this. Setting a boundary is not something that comes naturally to some of us. They didn’t grow up in a home where it was modelled. So seeing it modelled is gold. Thank you. 🙏
I never saw it because my parents and grandparents were ALWAYS respectful of their spouse. My mom respected my dad and viceversa. Same for my grandparents.
Omg this resonates. Had a husband who would try to spin any slight criticism or me expressing a need into me trying to control him and if I held to my position- the RAGE! Such a validation of what is an unhealthy response. Thank you!
I actually had a similar conversation recently. Decided I didn't deserve to be spoken to the way I was whenever an argument was had. Felt lighter after.
"blood is thicker than water", which means that no matter what, family is family. there's good about this mentality, but obviously some people will abuse this to their advantage out of entitlement.
@@FruitsChinpoSamuraiG I don't think that quote means what you think it means, you should Google it, it literally means the opposite. That we can choose love over duty and our choices have much more merit.
@@og8425 and you don't understand what I said. Just because the quote means something, that doesn't stop people from misunderstanding it and spreading the misinformation. That's my point. They will misuse this quote, in order to justify keeping people within their reach just because it's family.
@@FruitsChinpoSamuraiG ...You're misquoting the quote, it's a common mistake, that is why I encourage you to research it. You're free to do as you wish. Have a good day.
You are just one of my favorite people in the world. God bless you so much for all you are doing to use your mistakes and your pain and suffering to help other people and pour wisdom out
Thank you so much! I’m in a healthy relationship with a loving partner now but oh wow I wish someone had taught me this early. This is also a helpful boundary framework for a non-relationship situation so thank you so much! Keep doing what you are doing because it makes a huge impact.
@yellow5225. Me too. I wondered how in the world the boundary setter stayed so un- triggered, calm, clear and neutral. Even the gestures of the recipient stressed me out.
@@ljones98391 my theory is that this character recently found out about boundaries and the reason why she stumbled upon that content is because she needed it. and while consuming that content, she also realised other issues in the relationship, but also decided to "test" things out and see for herself what happens in the present now that she's more aware. so she's doing things to protect herself, but also mentally checking things that she learnt to be signs for her to leave. this conversation just has some of the first boxes she may or may not have checked. you know, in a scientific observation fashion lolol basically, she is now ready to see things for what they are, since she got the tools, and leave after rationally evaluating she needs to leave.
@@ljones98391 self awareness and practice. When you know how you behave and how they behave, you can practice in your mind beforehand and decide how you will react. It is easier the more you do it. 🥰🙏🏼
Thank you for reminding me that my ex never respected my boundaries. He would never let me walk away during an argument. No matter how ugly he was getting. I needed that.
Snap. I would go get in bed, under the covers, and he'd stand in the doorway, yell, scream, name-call, until it got to the point I'd have a panic attack
Our first fight as a couple, my wife freaked out and called me a name while going to her room to slam the door. When she saw that I didn’t react but waited for her to come back, she was surprised. I explained to her in a similar fashion as this video. And I told her that I didn’t want to fight, I wanted to resolve conflict which meant we had to discuss it. She was not used to this. I’m also the guy that walks away when things get too heavy. I don’t wanna say something I’ll regret later and I want time to process what happened to know how to move forward. The only time this hasn’t worked has been when my wife wouldn’t give me space or leave me alone. She’s a good woman from a broken home. These mistakes have been few and far between and she’s done so much more good than bad. And she learned what I would and would not tolerate. Sometimes, all you need is a healthy person next to you setting healthy boundaries
Had this convo with my older brother who only ever spoke to me with such disrespect, and said very horrible and rude things to me. I told him that if he can’t apologize we aren’t going to have a relationship and he said I was giving him an ultimatum and threatening him! I said I’m not doing any of those things, I’m just telling you that this is my boundary and you can either respect it or not have me in your life
Hi I just wanna say thank you... I'm a guy who's scared of getting into relationships cause of how narcissistic my mom was and how badly she treated my father... I don't want to end up stuck in a horrible situation like him but now I feel like you have shown me that even when dealing with people who go too far... You can set boundaries and stuff... Thanks
I was in the same situation! I'm now in a relationship with a person that respects me and love me even when we're mad. I'm learning so much and I'm trying to get better. The most important thing is comunication and reparation after fucking up. This videos and some books are also very helpful!
Actually yes, as a retired teacher and behavior specialist, I used to teach my students to walk away if they can't disagree without name calling or yelling.
@@SARA0766 ❤️ great to hear! My daughter did the same with her preschool. I bet teachers everywhere would love being given more time to make it a focused skill.
Right?! I teach my kids a 4 step apology: 1. I'm sorry for ____, 2. Because it (effect of the action ON THE OTHER PERSON), 3. Next time, I will ____ (focusing on what they will do, not just negating the sad choice). 4. Will you forgive me? I NEVER require forgiveness from the hurt party (though I will coach them through forgeiveness outside of the immediate situation if they don't want to give it). I require the person who made the poor choice to ask for it and accept the answer whether it is "yes" or "I need more time." ("No" hasn't come up yet but as they get older we'll work on that). Meanwhile, the school's reaction to bullying words are "just ignore them" and "they didn't mean it" *Facepalm*
@@candidwings5609 Bless you 🙏🏽 we work on thorough apologies too. As well as acknowledging mistakes. Love the idea of teaching this in schools too🥰 We homeschool.
Emotional/relationship skills in general. I wish every kid was taught them extremely well at home, but they aren’t. Why would we expect omething from the adult we never taught the child the fundamentals of?
It's too bad that when this happens with strangers they think that they 'win' because you left the chat, but self-respect is more important than 'winning' an argument.
I set this boundary a few months ago because my therapist said I needed to. It was not taken the right way at first, just like in the short. But after we both talked about our boundaries and how we expect to be treated in the future, we both got a lot closer to a secure attachment and haven't so much as raised our voices to each other since. 10/10 highly recommend looking into how to set and uphold a boundary!
@@Albinojackrussel honestly, it showed me that while I can do all of the work to regulate both mine and his emotions, he will never respect my boundaries. He just found more clever ways around them. I think this would definitely work with somebody that is not a narcissist.
@@Talks_2much honestly, I'm not sure this will come up much if ever in non abusive relationships. A decent person doesn't generally need to be told that shouting and name calling is an unacceptable behaviour. This sort of advice struck me as more being to tide people like you over until they're ready to leave.
Normally I don't comment.. I never do. But with those clips I realised that I often can't see which position is the healthy one for me. There's something seriously wrong with me and my non-existent boundaries... I think I have to stand up for myself more often...
the biggest step is always coming to realisation of what we need to do to help ourselves. we aren't born with boundaries, the same way we're born with a nose or an elbow. we learn those, from our primary caregivers. and turns out, the vast majority of people never knew about it. so don't beat yourself up, because now you have the tools and the power to do something, no matter how small it is.
This validated my feelings so much. Thank you! My ex, when we were together was 39, 40 years old but acted like a man-child who resorted to name calling when he was mad. After that, he wouldn’t even address it. When i brought it up, he wouldn’t straight up apologize but beat around the bush first for 1 hour, then he apologized unwillingly. Behind his mom’s back, he always called her bitch and cunt. Stepping out of the relationship and looking back, this guy is such a giant walking red flags. Guys who hate their mothers don’t know how to love and develop relationships and intimacy with women. 😢
This reminds me of so many of my past relationships when I would say this is how I like to be treated and I got made to believe it wasnt right for me to ask that. Thank you for clearling this up ❤
Thank you for this! growing up in a mentally abusive environment I have zero boundries whatever happens I am always sorry and to blame from my own self, before someone else even says anything... I'm working on this after allowing major abuse in a relationship which I allowed and hid through shame and self blame. When it got dangerous through physical abuse I got help and I'm so grateful for all their care and support I keeping me safe
I have such a crappy day after bad fights. I spend the whole next day going over in my head about how I never can seem to get my point across. Lots of things feel unresolved because I don't want to ruin the weekends.
Same experience with this, with my ex she would somehow invalidate my issues and manage to get me to shut up with threats to block me and other things. Or her solutions would just be involving me doing something that would benefit her and her space and comfort.
it's better to ruin this one weekend and then spent the rest of your life on the same page, knowing you can never see eye to eye. keeping things unresolved means only two things : it will be brought up again AND/OR the bad feelings stemming from them will fuel future conflicts. this is my advice and i do know how difficult this can be.
Regarding those who post about not knowing exactly how to say something, my suggestion is to just do the best you can and tell the person this. You will get better at it. As long as you're not yelling or cursing them out or exaggerating or refusing to listen to them also,you really can't go too wrong. You can always continue later. Often times I think people overthink it bc they are afraid the person is not going to respond well n then they don't know what to say or do n it might even lead to an ending of the relationship. The truth is in some cases it might or they or you might come back n apologize or try to resolve it in a different way. Sometimes you'll find the relationship was only based on you being someone who never says anything and this is essentially a test if the relationship. Some will pass n some will fail. But would you really want to be in any relationship with some who doesn't value your thoughts n feelings?
If someone calls a basic boundary controlling or an ultimatum, the answer is yes! Welcome to boundaries, they are things that I want the people around me to do otherwise I will reduce contact or leave. And whatever definition of “controlling” or “ultimatum” you have that applies to a basic boundary probably also applies to every single boundary you could possibly set.
Excellent! I’ve been accused of ultimatums when I have set a boundary. But I held to it. It’s really hard. But it heals both of you. It’s frustrating being accused when you set boundaries but you have to consider that if a two year old throws a tantrum you just let it go. Some adult tantrums need to be let go.
I had almost this exact conversation with my ex. It wasn't specifically about name calling, but a discussion that had escalated to a bad place anyway. It was one of the first times in our 14 year relationship that I specifically tried setting a boundary. The meltdown that ensued from me saying "I might have to leave the room in the future" is one of the many signs that it was time to let go.
Just got out a 6 year relationship and after seeing your videos i realized i never set those boundaries and this would be a good way to do that in the future.
I wish we were all taught communication reflection and boundaries early in life. We now see how this can happen as adults. Keep up your awesome work, loving it ❤
Once again, thank you so much. As someone who has never been allowed to have boundaries, I’m pretty clueless as to how one is supposed to establish any. Very helpful! Thanks again❣️
I wish I had known these things 50 years ago, maybe it might have saved a marriage and spared 4 children a lot of grief. Thank you, Jimmy! Keep on keeping on.
Remember, fights, alcohol, and internet is where real things come out. If someone starts calling you smth in the heat of the moment then that's what they really think of you. Don't let that "I was drunk/angry and didn't mean it" thing fool you.
Dang. You’re really good. Every time I watch these videos, it’s like a text book version of how a mature person would handle relationship issues. I wish I had these tools before. But I’m glad it’s available now. Learning a lot and I’m hopefully I’ll be wise enough to bring them into my next relationship.
I have definitely been guilty of mistaking boundaries around what someone will accept in an argument as them abandoning the conversation. This is really eye opening. It also shows me that I can set those same boundaries and express them in a clear and healthy way. Great videos. I'm single right now after quite a toxic relationship and I feel like your videos are helping me to shed some baggage and bad behaviours I've picked up before I enter a relationship with someone else.
I love the videos where he also plays the woman. Especially like this one cuz it helps me to be aware of what a boundary is. Especially growing up where I had none. 😊
having an argument is normal but disrespecting someone is not. some people do not understand that you can have an argument without disrespecting someone.
I'm a 20 year old guy and just came out of a serious 1.5 year relationship, after knowing her for 5 years before that. These videos have honestly opened my eyes to so many of my own bad behaviours. Thank you very much for sharing these videos, I've learnt so much from them, and hope one day I can have the emotional maturity to bring happiness to all that surround me.
Great job reflecting and continue to own your part it in. Just don’t beat yourself up!
Good for you learning at such a young age what older people struggle to accept!
No offense, but you can’t be 20 and have a serious one year relationship. All of that just makes me want to laugh. Regardless, I’m glad you learned some lessons and are learning from these shorts; better than nothing. God for bid anybody read an actual self-help book or go to counseling. No, all answers lie within the confines of social media, or TH-cam.
@@phoebesmith9089 what's wrong with having a serious relationship at 20 years old?
@@phoebesmith9089 There are people who literally get married younger than 20.
I told my ex not to call me a bitch during an argument. He then proceeded to call me a bitch every time he wanted to escalate and argument. Walk away .. run from such people. They don’t love you.
I got called a bitch, a burden, and a cunt . None of which I am . The breakup should have happened then . Because he was telling me what he thought of women in general . Because of his mom. Next was FULL BLOWN transference, where he just kept treating me like bitch- cunt-burden . When Merrick said , Jen , women want to be you. Thanks Merrick for THAT reality check.
Yes, my “Christian” ex-fiancé called me a dumba$$ bitch, an effin’ bitch, and MUCH worse, during every argument over 4 years, then would post scriptures on FB, making him look good. Made me want to vomit.
Totally plowed through the boundaries I set, then acted shocked when I left.
👏🙂 💯
my ex pulled that too. he also told me to shoot myself in the head.
run far far away
Or they need to take a break and work on themselves before trying to have a relationship with someone else.
~:~
When my husband and I first got together, we agreed to fight fair which means no name calling, no bringing up old arguments, keep on the current topic and if anyone gets overheated, they can ask for time away and the other person needs to wait until they are ready to talk again to allow tempers to cool. This has worked very well for us so far. Even when we disagree, or get mad, we never create permanent damage to the relationship.
My husband and I have similar boundaries. We also do our best never to use “never/always” when we’re arguing because nothing is ever never/always.
Fabulous idea that clearly works in real life. You’re obviously both mature, sane (!), and value your relationship AND yourself.
I struggle with hating myself because of all the behaviors i learned from my dad. Every time i realize im doing something he did, I literally just want to run away in the night and never come back into the peoples lives that ive hurt. Let them move on
I literally DIDNT KNOW you could have an emotional argument without screaming, throwing things, swearing, name calling until embarrassingly late, because those were the ONLY kinds of arguments i ever, ever had, from dad getting mad at us kids for breaking a dish or being a bit too loud, or when we are older and simply dont want to live our adult lives according to his script. If you dont scream back he will just continue on and on, literally had times where it goes for 10 hours into the night, of you being silent as he swears and threatens you and degrades you, and you have work or school next morning
I havent respected others boundaries whilst expecting mine to be perfectly followed because at home, the most aggressive dog gets the bone. Its a hierarchy. And you keep your place if you dont want to get used for labor, free transport, free therapy, as an atm or a scapegoat
Ive becone a stay at home mooch, just like him, because he used my illness as an opportunity to take almost all my savings, my job options are limited, and in this economy you cant even get your feet under you in a roach motel, and i have expensive meds (for an autoimmube dusorder from chronic stress)
I try so, so hard to be everything he is not, i become debilitated whenever i see any of him within myself, i hate him, hes done so much damage, taken so many of my years, so much of my money, and no matter how much research, how much change and choices and apologies, he somehow returns within me. The things i would do to erase him from my mind, memory and life, if they were possible, cannot be repeated
@@dflaming1371I hope things get better for you. By the sound of it, you're already 10 times the person he ever was. I wish you health and happiness. 🫂
@@dflaming1371i hope things get better for you, and someday the memory of him wouldn't hurt you anymore. I hope you can be free of pain.
I’m sooo glad you addressed the potential pushback of “you’re giving ultimatums and controlling me?!” That happens so often, and especially with someone who is a people pleaser or unused to setting boundaries, it can totally hijack the conversation and leave us (people pleasers/soft boundaries) questioning ourselves and we leave feeling like we are the bad guy, powerless, confused and guilty. I love these shorts you do around mental health and psychological topics
you mean the pushback given to people pleasers is bad? or am i misunderstanding?
@@kaitlynmorgan4613 I mean the specific push-back against setting a boundary, where someone says “oh, what, now you’re trying to control me?!” I’m a people pleaser, and someone playing victim like that and trying to paint me as the bad guy (when in actuality I’m enforcing a boundary around myself and my actions, not controlling what they do or don’t do) has totally de-railed me in the past. I’m thankful that this short video addresses that specific push-back and calls it what it is. I’ve now learned the response is to stay calm, and clarify what I actually said by simply re-stating the boundary and what I am going to do if the boundary is disrespected.
I know. I wish I had this example 10 years ago.
Oh my gosh... yes!!!!
The way the girl in the video approached the conversation calmly and by promising to come back after thirty minutes makes it not an ultimatum. If the girl is like “I’m walking away if you do this or that”, then it would be an ultimatum even if it’s a reasonable request. It has to come from an honest intention to make things work
Boundaries are hard to set but they are the key to healthy relationships.
The hard part is to really let consequences follow if those boundaries are crossed
@@ayt1702 exactly. being punished for setting boundaries can happen so easily, which is why for some people it's the hardest part.
Tbf. I never had to establish or reinforce a boundary in a healthy relationship (romantic or otherwise), only in unhealthy ones.
@@julyol119this is so true! almost makes me wonder if you even catch yourself in the position of having to reinforce a boundary maybe the relationship isn't one you should hold on to
It is really hard to do but it's so important, and it's genuinely helpful to the person you're setting boundaries with so please don't let guilt stop you. I was the name-calling aggressor once and I desperately needed people to do this to me to get myself under control and I'm so happy and grateful to all boundary-setters out there ❤
Thank You, No ugly name calling, whether you meant it or not. You cannot take words back. Ugly words repeated WILL do damage. Love your shorts. So validating and insightful.
Yes!! Name-calling, cursing, screaming are NOT OKAY and do permanent damage, worsening after each episode.
Yup. You can't un-say, you gotta control your mouth *especially* when you're angry.
Names come from a certain place, there is truth under there. So if they say they don't mean it, I don't buy it. And some ppl absolutely use it on purpose to push those buttons and get that explosive reaction
Absolutely true. Untold judgement comes out in the ugliest way possible with name-calling. I'm still healing my relationship with my mother because of it, and another relationship with an ex didn't survive it.
yeah my dad always name calling or curses us out if there’s a disagreement about something… my mum says it’s just his temperament and he doesn’t mean it and that he loves us but i don’t want to think like that… that kind of name calling or threatening to disown your own children is definitely not okay and definitely shouldn’t just be accepted and not addressed because it is ‘part of his temperament’
I really love that you have the other person in the interaction get defensive. Too often you see these roleplays where one partner sets a boundary and the other accepts it willingly and immediately and that’s just not reality. Thank you for these!
"I'm not trying to control you. I'm retaining my right to protect myself by removing myself from a bad situation, and I'm doing the polite thing of informing you of my intentions so that you won't feel rejected by them."
The fact that my boyfriend responds to these conversations by saying: "You're right, it's my fault, I shouldn't have yelled no matter the situation, I understand if next time any of these are present that we can take a break and come back to the conversation again.' It's why I love him so much.
The definition of maturity. Love this!
Wonderful!
I would be careful that he isn't just saying words that he thinks you want to hear. If at the next argument he starts yelling again, doing the things he said he wouldn't do, then he hasn't changed. Actions speak louder than words.
But now that's kinda fucked up. They actually responded with care in a mature way, admitting their fault. It is delusional to think that everything will change in an instant. Change is a process, and those conversations need to keep happening. Change doesn't happen at the pace you wish it does, and they deserve as much patience as you do. If your response to a slip backwards on a journey forward is a "I knew you wouldn't change" then you need to mature a bit yourself.@@foxjacket
@@foxjacket One of the best approaches I've ever had for this was monthly structured check ins. (By structured I mean we had a whole agenda and scheduled a neutral day to discuss where no fights were happening: addressing fights even if they were resolved, to just check in that the resolution is working, etc. look up "agile scrum for relationships" and I think the article will still come up, it was great. It also allowed us to have a space to express appreciation and acknowledge the progress made. It was so, so, so helpful. In fact, that relationship partially fell apart I think because at some point we got "too busy" for our scrums and didn't make the time or space for them. 😅
As an autistic person, and someone who did not grow up surrounded by this kind of comunication, this video examples are SO helpful
same here
Saaame. Wish they could have just given me a book with these things at 14 or something.
It so is
@Felsenkeks there is a book called 'The Asperkids (Secret) Book of Social Rules' that I bought for my kids and I wish I had it when I was a kid
Some many autistic people here 😮
“When you ___, I will ___,” and then follow through. A simple concept I didn’t learn until my 50’s. I could have had much healthier relationships had I learned boundaries as a child, teenager, or young woman. This video is an excellent example.
I was very used to being called nasty things in arguments with exes, friends and family - then I met my boyfriend. Before we even had our first argument, I grew some balls and told him that if we ever argue, I would not call him any names and I would not tolerate it if he called me any names. He looked horrified and said he'd never call me names, angry or not. He said it was just disrespectful behaviour and there are other ways to deal with anger. In almost 6 years, he has never ONCE called me a name or shouted at me. We have only argued a small handful of times because we know how to de-escalate and communicate. I never thought these kinds of people existed before him, but they really are keepers!
I am so happy for you! Its good to know that good relationships do exist.
That is a good example, but it gives me anxiety thinking about what happened next in this scenario. My "friend" lately said to me " don't you throw your boundaries in my face" and it was a wake up call for me. Looks like if you have trouble with boundaries at least some people in your life right now you will have to leave behind after those conversations.
If your "friend" can't handle your boundaries, perhaps they're not really a friend.
But what does the fried or "friend" actually mean by that? It could be something like, _"Come off your high horse already; don't you play High and Mighty with me!"_ -- I grew up blue collar and have only recently acknowledged that, for better or worse, that's where my roots still are. So quite frankly, "highbrow talk" with therapy lingo for a lengthy time can annoy me when I'm already stressed out. So I could see how I could get fed up with someone talking "my boundaries this, my boundaries that" all the time. That would be _my_ boundary... maybe. 😉😄🤷😒
Yeah, someone who doesn't want to be shown your boundaries is saying they want to disregard you unchallenged. That's not someone who's interested in a healthy relationship, and it's not someone who cares about you for yourself.
Exactly. The relationship may end after you express a boundary or try to enforce it. Working through the anxiety that can come from this may take some time, but I have learned that it is necessary for my long-term well-being (and the other person's as well).
I have been cut off after crossing a boundary (due to not having the capacity at the time to honor the boundary). It didn't feel good, but I learned my lesson. In some cases, life was taking us in different directions and we did not reconcile. In other cases, we eventually reconciled (although the relationship had to change drastically). I have also cut others off after they crossed a boundary. I'm sure it didn't feel good to them either.
In most of these cases, the cutoff was not immediate and occurred due to prolonged neglect or disregard for the relationship (sometimes intentional, sometimes not).
However, the better all of us become at recognizing toxic situations (or that the people in our lives cannot show up in healthy ways for whatever reason) the quicker these cutoffs take place.
@@thekingsdaughter4233 you know, I've been spinning around wondering wether I'm not overreacting and so on... but then I looked at the big picture of that conversation and how that relationship was and in that context it just did not look good. Those relationships are so slippery and hard to explain. You have to see if there is a pattern to their behaviour and evaluate against that. If attempts at communication keep failing that is a bad sign. In the end you can't control anyone but if they want to be close to you they have to respect you in a basic way.
Hands down this worked with my Dad. Everytime he name called I said "Ok and we're taking a break. The end." Took years but he got out of the loop. Works with some people. My narcissist ex, it didn't. You get one of those... Run for the hills.
Yes.
@@doobster3650 wtf are you on?
I should try this with my dad. We dont fight often, but when hes upset... HES UPSET. He's a huge name caller and comparior. He crosses my boundary of comparing me to my toxic mother (which I told him not to do btw) a lot when we fight and he really has no idea how much it hurts. I'm pretty sure he actually does it to hurt my feelings more/escalate an argument more, which hurts even more since he's using information I trusted him with against me. My dad kinda turns into a huge toddler when he gets upset, and treating him as a adult I respect is really hard when he acts like he has no idea how to handle anger. He also is the kinda guy to walk away, then come back 2 seconds later screaming abt something else. As a legal adult myself, I think if he cant act as such, we should wait until he has calmed down. Remeber parents, screaming does not make children respect or understand, it makes them fear. And raising children to constantly walk on eggshells will develop a relationship that is unhealthy. I should know.
My parents are similar. When my mom shouts dad doesn't speak back and vice versa. When they cool down they discuss the problems. They're married for 35yrs and dated 7 years before marriage.
Ugh. One of my good friends has a narc ex who is also her baby daddy. And she had a recent encounter with him and after he got what he wanted - because he was on his best behavior. When she said she was going to move soon he flipped a switch. Refused to leave her car, belittled her, said things like no wonder you're single (also he's single lmao), and oh didn't work out with that older man you were dating now did it, and then took his time getting out of the car and it was also in front of their toddler where he slammed the door and it made the toddler cry.
She's been holding her ground and she's grown a lot over the past few years. But I keep telling her that per their custody agreement (which he's the one that signed away his parental rights) she doesn't need to let him see their kid except every other holiday. I said he's trying to use their toddler as a pawn and watch when they turn 12/13 and they have a mind of their own, they're not going to want anything to do with their kid.
She's still moving. I hope it's sooner rather than later.
In my 60s I'm just learning how to tell people about my own personal boundaries. It's the most freeing experience in the world. Love your videos❤❤❤
The emphasis on coming back to have that conversation is so important 😭😭🙏🙏
My exs family told him I was “trying to control him” when I started crying after he did and said horrible things to me. His dad told him to “control his woman.” Yeah. Sometimes toxic family bs runs deep.
Ugh that's so shitty. You dodged a bullet ❤
So happy you’re out of there. But I know how hard it is to see the good in someone and wish so much that they could grow past their family’s terrible choices and habits ❤️
My (ex) step father put his hands on me in a very inappropriate way for many years growing up. When my mom finally found about the SA, so did the rest of his family (especially when she left him), including his own mother. She ended up telling my mother that “it’s ok! We can work through this! ALL families have their issues! All you have to do is take him back and we’ll figure out the rest!” My mother was disgusted and she wondered what BS she (her now ex MIL) was put through as a house wife herself by her own husband for inappropriate behavior that she just tolerated to keep that perfect family image and that it’s no wonder how her son turned out to be such a disgusting person because of it.
My mom obviously didn’t listen to her but that was one of my biggest fears if she found out was that she wouldn’t listen to me about it because some families ARE conditioned to just keep shit like that quiet bead how they are raised. The main reason why I waited so long to say anything was because the same thing happened to my friend and the new broken out about it not long before my story did except that my friend’s mom actually sided with her husband and did call my friend a lair over it to keep her family together. Because my friend had no where to go still being a teen, she was forced to still live under his roof and deal with it because nothing came of it.
Families will go through great lengths to protect their ‘loved one’ just to keep their families together EXCEPT for doing the right thing to actually protect the most vulnerable ones within their families.
Obliviously my story is a little different, but it just shows how deep some of these families are conditioned to just protect the wrong people. I got’ lucky’ in my bad situation, my friend, not so much.
Yes, children model what they learned about communication from their parents. Sounds like his dad was raised to believe a woman was to be controlled
I told my brother in law that I won't tolerate certain behavior, he called me on the phone to tell me I was stupid, then texted my husband and told him to control his wife. 😂 My husband was like, yeah that's a no.
I feel this in my soul. My mother gets genuinely triggered if I try to walk away from her or leave the room when she's insulting me... it's why I had to move out at 18. The way "baseball cap guy" responded struck such a painful chord. I understand that my mom was terribly abused before I was even born, and that me walking away from her brings up horrible memories and triggers her PTSD. But also... I deserve to be safe from that, too. She said that I needed to submit to her and that I had no right to demand a boundary. She demanded that I stand still, look her in the eye, be silent, and submissively take it. I was not allowed to be angry or even disagree. She just wanted me to look her in the eye while she screamed at me, and beg forgiveness when she was done. So I moved out as soon as legally possible.
I love her so much still, and it hurts to this day. It's been almost 10 years now. But I can't let this cycle take me, too.
I'm so sorry. That's awful. Good on you for moving out. I did that with my dad too. You made the right decision. Being with someone that abusive will destroy your mental health.
That’s so big of you to recognize that both things can be true: she can be reacting out of genuine trauma, AND you deserve to be treated with respect. That’s such a hard balance to strike, good on you!
Wow.. that was hard to read.. so you were just her offloading/dumping area emotionally. I hope she saw the light after you moved out 🙏
I moved across the country from my angry, screaming mother. We grew to eventually have a relationship with each other, although I have never forgotten the abuse.
I feel you on this.
Thank you! Even if, due to their closed mentality, you never reach many men with how to treat women you are teaching women how to remove themselves from the wreckage with dignity
Great way to put it!
Just found your channel last night and I can see so CLEARLY what I tolerated and my disrespectful actions too. Thanks for your channel. What a blessing!
Hey! I just wanted to drop a comment to thank you for these shorts. I'm a guy trying to unlearn bad behaviors and your videos are always great for quick breakdowns of how certain actions affect my partner. Creators like you are desperately needed for men trying to go down this journey. Keep doing what you're doing!
Good for you.
hope you can also share it with people around you, even just to spark up a honest and productive conversation :)
Totally agree with your comment.
Proud of you being willing to learn and work on yourself.
You're very wise to realize this. 👌 👍
I used to have a problem with always yelling when i got into arguments because of behavior modeled to me by adults as a child. My now partner of 18 years threw a boundary down about it almost as long ago, telling me he refused to be yelled at even in arguments. He actually saved me so much pain that day. I complied with his request and found myself becoming a more calm person and much better equipped to deal with conflict. I found out when I'd raised my voice before it only served to confuse my emotions further and escalate conflict. Learning to talk through conflict instead of getting heated has made me a way more content person overall because I don't have to experience the rage that gets stirred up within me when I raise my volume.
You had to be given the example of a safe space to have your feelings and talk them out, not fly off the handle based on what's in your head and totally startle the person.
Your comment about how raised volume can escalate my own rage, anger, etc and that it is within my control was very powerful for me. Thank you for sharing!
When someone yells at me, I often start crying. I'm wondering if that's my trauma response, I hate being yelled at!
You've made a very important and insightful point - that yelling increases irrationality and doesn't help resolve conflicts or express views points well.
I really needed this. Been looking for a way to say this without "you're abandoning us" as a response. I always feel guilty and then stay and put up with verbal abuse. I needed to hear this worded this way. Thank you
Same!
Simple. Clear. Concise. Absolutely BRILLIANT!!!
Learning to set boundaries has been a total game changer for me. The first step to being able to set our boundaries is to be able to clearly define them. It’s often not an easy task.
Amen! Healthy boundaries are based on core values. Once I realized that formula, I didn’t struggle so much.
Same goes for making tough decisions in life.
Setting a boundary is one thing. The act of keeping these boundaries is another.
I tried to walk away from an argument with my ex. I informed him that l wanted to walk away before either of us said things that we didn't mean. His response was blocking me from leaving the room. Throw my cellphone crashing to the floor. Putting his hand around my neck, lifting me off the floor. I couldn't breathe.
It's not always safe to set boundaries.
Good for you. I am working on that. It's really difficult for me.
I started dating a girl I've been friends with last year and one of the first things I did was set a boundary without even realizing it. (I gave her an option at the time but she's wonderful so she followed it.)
For context, we're online dating but I'd probably do this anyway if I needed it. The boundary was that when I'm feeling really emotional, it's really hard for me to actually fully express vocally what I'm feeling without stumbling over my words or forgetting something or even just struggling to speak in general. So after confessing to each other and after I got home from college, we just DM'd each other for like 5 hours straight before having a private call where we couldn't stop doting on each other. It was so nice. I can't remember a time I loved hearing her voice more.
@@lovealwaysmom Woh. Well...The best boundary in that scenario is to leave the relationship completely. Statistically, abuse gets worse over time.
Keeping somebody in the fight is definitely a form of manipulation and coercion.
Genuinely question, does this also apply to a parent and a 10ish year old child?
Especially when you know you are "stronger", then it's about dominating and making them submit, toxic af
@@justaperson748I'm not a parent myself, but I think as long as it's clear that the conversation has to continue, then yes I would let that child leave the room. If they need time to regulate their emotions, I would see it as them putting themselves in a time out. I wouldn't want my child to be frightened to speak their minds, or don't feel the space to express and explore their emotions. It's never okay for a kid to cross your boundaries either, but they still need to learn how to traverse conflict.
However, if they are trying to void conflict by going to another room, I think that would have to be addressed. Why do they feel the need to avoid conflict?
@@loesdevries152 I would try to leave fights as a child since they got too bad. Yelling, name calling and a lot of very hurtful things said by both me and parent. I was too young to think about continuing the argument some other time I just knew I had to leave but couldn’t
@@justaperson748 I'm so sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately we don't have much of a say as children when it comes to emotionally immature parents. We just survive (I can speak from experience).
In the case you're describing, I would encourage the child to leave the conversation. Tell the parent that they will not tolerate the namecalling in as calm a manner as possible. And if the situation is dangerous go to a place where you feel safe (preferably another house with other people), and ask them to help.
After listening to your videos left and right for a few days, I've have to say thank you. And thank you for letting me know that I've done 95% right in the past, so now I'm shooting for 100% and get me that happy end. You're making good work, keep it up. Keep helping people. Thank you.
On point “are you trying to control me?” That’s gold lol
It takes two people who want the relationship to be equal and to work without a power struggle.
Amen
That is so true
Very TRUE!!!😢
When people show you who they are, believe them.
I agree, but if I'm already in relationship with someone, I believe in giving them a chance to grow and learn. If they refuse to make a sincere effort to respect my boundaries, then I'm out the door.
Now hold up. What if the person who is doing the “believing” has just told you something mean and disrespectful?
Thank you! I am going to use this with my grown up adult son who gets very aggressive with me. This is a great way to set boundaries, can’t thank you enough 🙏
Please be careful one of my relatives had a child who started being verbally abusive, and ended up being a physical elder abuser
Thank you for this, I never even knew about boundaries until my ex said he was the only one allowed to have them, as he had mental health issues! Of course I now know he was a covert narcissist and I didn’t know how to handle him. Thank you 🙏🏻
It took me 40 years as a person to set this boundary with my mother this year. She gaslite me on the phone, argument started and she started to scream on top of her lungs like she always does... I told her I'm not going to continue this conversation if she screams and yell. I'll talk to her later if she wants to continue the conversation.
are you still friends?
You did great! Keep stepping up for your boundaries! You can be proud of yourself
She’s your mother. She won’t want to continue a conversation that acknowledges her faults. She would rather keep screaming until you’re silenced and broken again than admit fault and try to change.
She would likely rather lose you as her child and talk shit about you behind your back to other family members than try to change, and the other family members will likely side with her because “she’s the adult, and you’re the child”.
Go you! She'll learn not to mess with you if you keep it up, doesn't matter how old or stubborn she is.
@@susagean2080I feel this is a lot of your own trauma talking. That's understandable, but it isn't the truth for everyone, which makes it poor advice for a stranger whom you nothing about. Their mother may very well be capable of change for the better, but advice like this will choke that possibility before it can ever be explored.
There should be boundary lessons and classes in schools. Boundaries are imperative for healthy relationships.
should be, but like everything else, part of the plan of destruction ....would mean less meds, therapy, divorce, etc.
At this point, if I ever heard "so you're trying to control me" or "so you're threatening me" when I'm being vulnerable and expressing my feelings or boundaries in a respectful way, I'm leaving for good, I've had enough.
Finally! Somebody says it! Name calling is a deal breaker not a red flag.
Exactly!!!!!
a partner who calls you names when you’re fighting must be especially hurtful
Never in our 17 year old relationship have we insulted each other. I save all my patience and respect for him. If I lose it, I'd rather lose it with people who don't mean the world to me.
You save all your patience and respect for him but the rest of the world doesn't matter? Do you "lose it" on waiters? Neighbours? Colleagues? Wow, just wow... I hope this was just a figure of speech and that you were not being serious...
@@djune286 same 😂, I want to think she meant it in a "good way" because she loves her partner sm, but dude, is not OK to blast with others just because is not your beloved one (there might be reasons to get angry tho)😅
@@djune286A. It's *figurative speech. Not "figure of".
B. She said "IF".
She didn't say she does it regularly. She's saying in the event it may happen (which there is a chance of it happening with everyone), she'd rather do it where it's not a real loss versus a big one, (which is VERY reasonable).
She never said she takes out her anger on anyone. In fact, it easily reads as maybe if she's having a bad day and it's too much and she explodes somehow (which has happened with literally EVERYONE at some point. Nobody is born with emotional maturity), it's better to do it with people who don't matter than those who do.
And idk who needs to hear this, but everyone in the world is unimportant to everyone else. However, everyone is also VERY important to someone else. You can't please everyone, and you don't know everyone. No person can bear the weight of the world, so it's easier (and more reasonable, quite frankly...) to take care of those closest to you. OC is reflecting that sensible practice.
Had this exact conversation with my brother-in-law. Had to remind him that boundaries have nothing to do with what he can do, but what I allow in my life ❤
How did your brother in law respond to that, if I may ask? Kudos to you for setting those boundaries 💪🏼
Yep! I told my husband years ago that if he yells in an argument i will walk out and wont continue the conversation until i am ready and feel respected. We havent had a single screaming match since. We now approach our differences in a calm and mature way. ❤
I needed this, It's difficult to set boundaries . It's nice seeing a respectful way to do so .
As a social worker - these videos are SO GOOD and constructive. They are so helpful & educational ... that I can even overlook the dollar store wig ....
The dollar store has wigs??? 😅
Thank you for your comment. 😊
The fights are about the wig
😂 you had me at the wig part 😂
Haven't you heard? Narcissists don't contribute to their partner's beauty ~ In Narcissist land, there's just one important and stunning person.
Others wear a towel on their head to indicate they are in the role of a woman. We should be glad for the wig.
Gave this exact advice to my friend when she was having arguments with her husband, so she started explaining this to him and even leaving the room when he would get heated and aggressive and abusive... Aaaaaand he just followed her from room to room as be berated her. This is BUSTING a boundary - and it is not the fault of the person who sets the boundary, nor is it their responsibility to own the behaviour of their partner when they're like this. Removing yourself from the situation SHOULD be the safe thing to do and if a partner doesn't respect that even when it's very clearly communicated, they're not safe to be around. If they can bust that boundary in an instant with no regard or respect for you, that is not your fault. And you can't force them to respect your boundary or you. Know when you're not being respected. Don't accept this behaviour. If it continues, know when to leave safely.
Yes I've been in that situation and it got physically abusive, so I finally left him.
Except you don't just disrespectfully turn around and walk away. You've got to use your words and say "I'm removing myself because this is too much" or whatever your reason is.
@@SMHorne If there is ongoing abuse, then you don't owe them a damn thing, even respect, because they sure as hell don't respect you.
@@autumnzephyr Passive aggressive behavior can be a form of abuse.
The 'female' character in this little vignette DID give an ultimatum. It was a take it or leave it, all or none statement.
It was unilateral, definitive and final. How is that not controlling and not an ultimatum? Technically 'she' didn't give an 'or else', maybe that's why people don't see it as an ultimatum.
Sorry. I grew up with this and am now married to it. It's abusive.
@mfawls9624 hmmm, that's a tricky concept. And why I would have trouble setting boundaries as it can sound like an aggressive ultimatum - even though it's fair enough to ask to not be name called etc.
I guess it's a matter of what the overall pattern or vibe is. Some of the people I've been involved with- essentially deep down they didn't care about me feeling safe or comfortable, I was being used and a punching bag, so I left them all.
Nothing I said would have helped or improved this underlying dynamic, but it took me time and trying to resolve or calm things before I realised what their underlying motives were.
Thank you for the bit about this not being control. It helps me to feel better about how I handled my self when setting boudarys with toxic family.
Jimmy is doing a service for HUMANITY. These ❤ brilliant scenarios are so helpful and supportive. Grateful!
[100 extra bonus points for the best character in the scene: "The classic Wig".]
If someone is that defensive, emotionally immature, & unwilling to see their behaviors like the person in this video, then I think it’s time to walk away from that relationship. I’ve never seen people who act like that actually respect boundaries. They use your boundaries against you for the next argument. Find someone who respects and loves you and who has emotional maturity. You’ll be so much happier.
Totally agree, that is someone with narcissistic personality disorder, and it doesn’t change.
Well said
@K.C-2049 exactly. The moment someone name calls me or gaslights me I’m out.
Right! Finally!! Someone says it
This is a tough one! I swear, growing up, name calling was my family's love language. It taught me the ability to know that I don't have to be reactive to somone else's bullshhht. At the same time, this behavior absolutely crushes my husband. It's taken me years to say what I've got to say without any colorful adjectives... even when my buttons are pushed. It's so deeply ingrained, that I still have to catch myself from reverting. When I do, I feel a great sense that I've failed my husband in those moments. I acknowledge, I apologize, and I take full responsibility for my behavior. We can't help the ways we were raised, but with effort we can better ourselves and become healthier happier people. I'M A WORK IN PROGRESS! ❤😊❤😊❤
well said, keep the good work up 👍
@@3Soliman THANK YOU DEAR ONE!🙌🏽
Does he have to accept and adapt at all to your background?
I too grew up similarly to you, four brothers. It's how we talked, how people in my region of the country talked.
Moved to the southern US and have been forced to adjust. However, I find the south to be obtuse and stilted. You can't really have a conversation here.
It's not surprising that slavery flourished in the south. It was a caste system and now it's linguistic customs are being adopted nationwide.
@mfawls9624 You make some really good points. I think my husband's sensitivity level has decreased some. I'm a jokester and that has helped him develop more and more of a sense of humor. Life is brilliant & fcked up, you've gotta laugh about it or you'll cry all the time. Over the years, our styles have blended and we've become greater & greater friends. I've become a lot softer and he's toughened. When you love each other, you try to adapt. I'm more adoptable, that's why I watch these types of vids. Having more tools in the toolbox helps. 💛🤍🩵
@@SaronJoy That's the goal of marriage right? You both help one another grow and build something more together.
Glad to hear y'all are making it work!
Sadly I grew up in a house where no one respected boundaries or showed love to their loved ones, I’ve been struggling with my relationships because of this, I’m working really hard to understand the other side of things not just my perspective, your videos are REALLY helping me out, thank you so much!
I love how you point out the flaws that so many men have and that people are reacting positively and learning from them. A lot of men are aggressive, and I acknowledge that there are reasons they think they're expected to act that way, but I'm glad they're learning they don't have to.
Such important distinctions! Setting boundaries is about your needs, not about controlling someone else! I really love this.
you'd still be accused of trying to control. But that's not a good enough reason to not set a boundary!
Boundaries based on values!
If I value mutual respect in all situations, I’ll have a boundary like this around yelling & name calling.
It can totally work….with healthy people.
Boundaries are the best way to suss out if the other person is healthy or not.
The least healthy people will protest because they benefitted in the past from our lack of boundaries.
I have asked not to be yelled at by my partner during a disagreement. Or cussed at. “ You act like I ABUSED YOU. I could do worse…😂“ So I can see he doesn’t take it seriously. 😅
@@lacesspace I’m so sorry, it sounds like you’ve got a very unhealthy person on your hands & no amount of healthy behavior on our part works when the other person is still in the dark. 🫣
Like the video says he can do whatever he wants, but YOU have the right to let him know you’ll walk away next time. And you’ll have to stick to it.
The way he responds when you enact that boundary will tell you more about him.
If he has any respect for you, honoring your own boundary will make him step up.
In healthy relationships we turn TOWARDS each other during conflict, not ON each other.
When the relationship has an issue, we have an issue together. Y’all are supposed to be on the same team.
I get it. It’s hard. I’ve been married a couple of times.
Make sure you honor & respect yourself, especially if you have children who are around this energy.
🙏🥰
@@lacesspaceTime to go...
Sickening when people act like you're controlling them because you have boundaries about them controlling you, example you have to stay in the room, the female character in the video was communicating on such another level that there's no reason or way to continue with someone on "his" level. Love this video by the way
My ex did that to me constantly. If i asked him not to yell or insult me he'd scream _"You're just trying to control me and my feelings!!!"_ And every time I'd reply _"No, I'm t trying to get YOU to control them"._ We were together for 13 years, and it was only the last 3years that he became like that. For 10 years, he never even called me a bitch or a c*nt, but then, the words came so easily to him. And ofc he'd gaslight me and say he never said that and if he did it was "maybe once or twice ever". Total trash.
My new partner is so incredible, kind, caring and takes accountability. He de-escalates when he notices he's getting irritated, and we disengage. Every time. He's a real gem!😊
Exactly!!!!! I recently left my relationship because he's an alcoholic. He told me he's a grown man and can do what he wants. I told him he's absolutely correct, but it goes both ways and I'm a grown women and I don't need to stay and watch it. It was a tought decision, but I have an 8 year old that also doesn't need to see it every day. I did tell him if he wants to get help I will support him, but as of dating and living together I needed to distances myself.
Never say mean words….name calling…..you can never take them back…..they will be remembered FOREVER!
makes me think of the " look at me when I'm talking to you"...or " don't walk away when I'm speaking to you" statements
That's just being controlling. Honestly like some people cannot make prolonged eye contact as shown in people with autism and other mental illnesses. I could understand if someone was being disrespectful getting frustrated with them but you can't just control people's actions. You can only control your own.
@RoxanneSwithin heck, even when I'm just telling a story, I always look off into the distance. Sometimes my friends think I'm staring at someone or something and I have to remind them that I'm just thinking about what I'm talking about. Lol
@@SessKagOnly THIS 🤗
@@SessKagOnly I like your username, lol. SessKag fanfics were my favorite! ❤️
@@mystearicanohr9521 thanks! I've had this username for forever. It will always be my first and favorite ship. 😊💚
If you are doing things you “didn’t mean to” YOU are out of control. Just like driving recklessly you are culpable. You are in the driver’s seat don’t be reckless . You can do real damage, even if you’re usually a good driver. You could “total” your relationship, insurance don’t pay for that one❤
Sometimes its only medication that helps with regulation of emotions, and coping techniques and mindfullness.
Such a great analogy to my reckless driving boyfriend😅
My husband and I have set a clear boundary where neither of us name-call in heated moments. Not to say our heat moments are pretty, they're certainly not... But we have set a level of respect that we maintain despite anything else.
People who cannot control their emotions will either become a bully, or leave and go silent for days. Leave both of these types.
Your content has helped me initiate hard conversations and also at the same time because of those conversations, my partner and I have less conflict and now actively work on figuring out how to communicate instead of pushing conflict under a rug! Thanks!
That's wonderful!
Yay good job you guys!
That is wonderful! Wishing you and your partner the very best this year ❤
Wonderful advice, thank you. Name calling is really bad because you may forgive it but you'll never forget it and that person has lost part of your heart.
Exactly!!!! Had this convo with my husband at 1am this morning. He said forgetting is part of forgiving. NOPE!!!! You should watch what you say because once it's said, you can't take it back and it will always be in my head. He has lost MORE than a part of my heart.
Exactly 💯
THIS is how you set boundaries. You can’t control other people’s behavior, but you can control how you respond to keep yourself safe. A boundary means “I will no longer stay in a situation where I spend any energy on this hurtful behavior from you.”
The real challenge is to speak your boundary without an edge in your voice as you speak. You've got to work against the thought ' I really shouldn't have to be telling you this.' and remain as neutral as possible. Elevated self control.
Did her stating and holding a boundary make anyone else super anxious? Guess I need to work on having better boundaries. I’ve definitely been called names before
My friend used to use these "boundaries" against me. How they are explained here in the video is good, just remember that pausing a conversation to calm down DOESN'T mean ending it.
He used his so-called boundaries to stop any of my attempts to communicate the problems. Removing yourself to process negative emotions so as not to lash out at the other person is fine, but using "boundaries" to escape conversations is just frustrating. There's a difference. What he did was a tactic to dismiss me in lieu of keeping a "healthy" friendship where boundaries are kept and respected. I'm sad I realised what he was doing too late and believed him for a long time.
No one is responsible for your problems or “processing” your problems except you. It would probably be more conducive to work out your problems with a trained professional/therapist and then come back to your friend in a solution/resolution oriented mind frame instead of a blaming mind frame.
@@virginiacreager4331 not my personal problems, but problems in the relationship, which involved him and other people
My husband's previous girlfriend had used crying to stop discussions and it took a while before he got comfortable with the fact that in my family we had been taught about having uncomfortable adult discussions and that crying was just evidence that these issues evoked strong emotions and were NOT a reason to stop a discussion about a resolution. (And yes, we were also taught it was okay to take a breather if necessary.)
@@virginiacreager4331this seems like a friendship problem instead of a singular person problem
Aka: requires both people to be involved here.
I think Jimmy actually has a video along these lines. I think it was titled something along the lines of "weaponizing therapeutic language." Anyway yeah it's totally wrong.
Name calling is a deal breaker for me. "Heat of the moment" is actually code for "this is what i really think of you".
When your boundaries become "you're trying to control me," that's such a huge red flag.
I love this. Setting a boundary is not something that comes naturally to some of us. They didn’t grow up in a home where it was modelled. So seeing it modelled is gold. Thank you. 🙏
I never saw it because my parents and grandparents were ALWAYS respectful of their spouse. My mom respected my dad and viceversa. Same for my grandparents.
Omg this resonates. Had a husband who would try to spin any slight criticism or me expressing a need into me trying to control him and if I held to my position- the RAGE! Such a validation of what is an unhealthy response. Thank you!
I actually had a similar conversation recently. Decided I didn't deserve to be spoken to the way I was whenever an argument was had. Felt lighter after.
Oh man. Disrespect and contempt. Story of my ex-marriage. Sorry you weren’t here in the ‘90’s. And thankful you are here now. ❤
Brilliant role play Jimmy....this is what I've endured....Name calling is emotional Abuse...It's Not Acceptable.... period!! 😊💖🙏.
Tbh this also applies to family relationships and friendships… a lot think just because they’re a family they have the privilege to call someone names
"blood is thicker than water", which means that no matter what, family is family. there's good about this mentality, but obviously some people will abuse this to their advantage out of entitlement.
@@FruitsChinpoSamuraiG I don't think that quote means what you think it means, you should Google it, it literally means the opposite. That we can choose love over duty and our choices have much more merit.
@@og8425 and you don't understand what I said. Just because the quote means something, that doesn't stop people from misunderstanding it and spreading the misinformation. That's my point. They will misuse this quote, in order to justify keeping people within their reach just because it's family.
@@FruitsChinpoSamuraiG ...You're misquoting the quote, it's a common mistake, that is why I encourage you to research it. You're free to do as you wish. Have a good day.
And somehow the onus is always on you to forgive, never on them to control what they say.
You are just one of my favorite people in the world. God bless you so much for all you are doing to use your mistakes and your pain and suffering to help other people and pour wisdom out
Thank you so much! I’m in a healthy relationship with a loving partner now but oh wow I wish someone had taught me this early. This is also a helpful boundary framework for a non-relationship situation so thank you so much! Keep doing what you are doing because it makes a huge impact.
I'm so stressed by hearing the second person😢
@yellow5225. Me too. I wondered how in the world the boundary setter stayed so un- triggered, calm, clear and neutral. Even the gestures of the recipient stressed me out.
@@ljones98391I do deep breathing and always have an exit strategy. I get anxiety with conflict, too.
@@ljones98391 my theory is that this character recently found out about boundaries and the reason why she stumbled upon that content is because she needed it.
and while consuming that content, she also realised other issues in the relationship, but also decided to "test" things out and see for herself what happens in the present now that she's more aware.
so she's doing things to protect herself, but also mentally checking things that she learnt to be signs for her to leave. this conversation just has some of the first boxes she may or may not have checked. you know, in a scientific observation fashion lolol
basically, she is now ready to see things for what they are, since she got the tools, and leave after rationally evaluating she needs to leave.
I swear that second person is my ex-husband
@@ljones98391 self awareness and practice. When you know how you behave and how they behave, you can practice in your mind beforehand and decide how you will react. It is easier the more you do it. 🥰🙏🏼
Thank you for reminding me that my ex never respected my boundaries. He would never let me walk away during an argument. No matter how ugly he was getting. I needed that.
Snap. I would go get in bed, under the covers, and he'd stand in the doorway, yell, scream, name-call, until it got to the point I'd have a panic attack
Maybe you were the problem though
Our first fight as a couple, my wife freaked out and called me a name while going to her room to slam the door. When she saw that I didn’t react but waited for her to come back, she was surprised. I explained to her in a similar fashion as this video. And I told her that I didn’t want to fight, I wanted to resolve conflict which meant we had to discuss it. She was not used to this. I’m also the guy that walks away when things get too heavy. I don’t wanna say something I’ll regret later and I want time to process what happened to know how to move forward. The only time this hasn’t worked has been when my wife wouldn’t give me space or leave me alone. She’s a good woman from a broken home. These mistakes have been few and far between and she’s done so much more good than bad. And she learned what I would and would not tolerate. Sometimes, all you need is a healthy person next to you setting healthy boundaries
Had this convo with my older brother who only ever spoke to me with such disrespect, and said very horrible and rude things to me. I told him that if he can’t apologize we aren’t going to have a relationship and he said I was giving him an ultimatum and threatening him! I said I’m not doing any of those things, I’m just telling you that this is my boundary and you can either respect it or not have me in your life
Hi I just wanna say thank you... I'm a guy who's scared of getting into relationships cause of how narcissistic my mom was and how badly she treated my father... I don't want to end up stuck in a horrible situation like him but now I feel like you have shown me that even when dealing with people who go too far... You can set boundaries and stuff... Thanks
I was in the same situation! I'm now in a relationship with a person that respects me and love me even when we're mad. I'm learning so much and I'm trying to get better. The most important thing is comunication and reparation after fucking up. This videos and some books are also very helpful!
Excellent video, hits the talking points. Can we teach this in primary and middle schools?
Actually yes, as a retired teacher and behavior specialist, I used to teach my students to walk away if they can't disagree without name calling or yelling.
@@SARA0766 ❤️ great to hear! My daughter did the same with her preschool. I bet teachers everywhere would love being given more time to make it a focused skill.
Right?!
I teach my kids a 4 step apology:
1. I'm sorry for ____,
2. Because it (effect of the action ON THE OTHER PERSON),
3. Next time, I will ____ (focusing on what they will do, not just negating the sad choice).
4. Will you forgive me?
I NEVER require forgiveness from the hurt party (though I will coach them through forgeiveness outside of the immediate situation if they don't want to give it). I require the person who made the poor choice to ask for it and accept the answer whether it is "yes" or "I need more time." ("No" hasn't come up yet but as they get older we'll work on that).
Meanwhile, the school's reaction to bullying words are "just ignore them" and "they didn't mean it" *Facepalm*
@@candidwings5609 Bless you 🙏🏽 we work on thorough apologies too. As well as acknowledging mistakes.
Love the idea of teaching this in schools too🥰 We homeschool.
Emotional/relationship skills in general. I wish every kid was taught them extremely well at home, but they aren’t. Why would we expect omething from the adult we never taught the child the fundamentals of?
For real, you nail it every time. You are saving every relationship on the planet.
It's too bad that when this happens with strangers they think that they 'win' because you left the chat, but self-respect is more important than 'winning' an argument.
I set this boundary a few months ago because my therapist said I needed to. It was not taken the right way at first, just like in the short. But after we both talked about our boundaries and how we expect to be treated in the future, we both got a lot closer to a secure attachment and haven't so much as raised our voices to each other since. 10/10 highly recommend looking into how to set and uphold a boundary!
He is a narc. I'm not doing it anymore. So scratch everything that I said in this comment. Setting that boundary only made him switch it up.
@@Talks_2muchI hope that advice like this helped you until you were ready to leave. Congratulations on getting yourself out of a shitty relationship
@@Albinojackrussel honestly, it showed me that while I can do all of the work to regulate both mine and his emotions, he will never respect my boundaries. He just found more clever ways around them. I think this would definitely work with somebody that is not a narcissist.
@@Talks_2much honestly, I'm not sure this will come up much if ever in non abusive relationships. A decent person doesn't generally need to be told that shouting and name calling is an unacceptable behaviour. This sort of advice struck me as more being to tide people like you over until they're ready to leave.
Normally I don't comment.. I never do. But with those clips I realised that I often can't see which position is the healthy one for me. There's something seriously wrong with me and my non-existent boundaries... I think I have to stand up for myself more often...
the biggest step is always coming to realisation of what we need to do to help ourselves. we aren't born with boundaries, the same way we're born with a nose or an elbow. we learn those, from our primary caregivers. and turns out, the vast majority of people never knew about it.
so don't beat yourself up, because now you have the tools and the power to do something, no matter how small it is.
This validated my feelings so much. Thank you! My ex, when we were together was 39, 40 years old but acted like a man-child who resorted to name calling when he was mad. After that, he wouldn’t even address it. When i brought it up, he wouldn’t straight up apologize but beat around the bush first for 1 hour, then he apologized unwillingly. Behind his mom’s back, he always called her bitch and cunt. Stepping out of the relationship and looking back, this guy is such a giant walking red flags. Guys who hate their mothers don’t know how to love and develop relationships and intimacy with women. 😢
This reminds me of so many of my past relationships when I would say this is how I like to be treated and I got made to believe it wasnt right for me to ask that. Thank you for clearling this up ❤
Thank you for this! growing up in a mentally abusive environment I have zero boundries whatever happens I am always sorry and to blame from my own self, before someone else even says anything... I'm working on this after allowing major abuse in a relationship which I allowed and hid through shame and self blame. When it got dangerous through physical abuse I got help and I'm so grateful for all their care and support I keeping me safe
I have such a crappy day after bad fights. I spend the whole next day going over in my head about how I never can seem to get my point across. Lots of things feel unresolved because I don't want to ruin the weekends.
This was me. Now honestly that I'm single it's freeing
Same experience with this, with my ex she would somehow invalidate my issues and manage to get me to shut up with threats to block me and other things.
Or her solutions would just be involving me doing something that would benefit her and her space and comfort.
it's better to ruin this one weekend and then spent the rest of your life on the same page, knowing you can never see eye to eye. keeping things unresolved means only two things : it will be brought up again AND/OR the bad feelings stemming from them will fuel future conflicts.
this is my advice and i do know how difficult this can be.
Regarding those who post about not knowing exactly how to say something, my suggestion is to just do the best you can and tell the person this. You will get better at it. As long as you're not yelling or cursing them out or exaggerating or refusing to listen to them also,you really can't go too wrong. You can always continue later. Often times I think people overthink it bc they are afraid the person is not going to respond well n then they don't know what to say or do n it might even lead to an ending of the relationship. The truth is in some cases it might or they or you might come back n apologize or try to resolve it in a different way. Sometimes you'll find the relationship was only based on you being someone who never says anything and this is essentially a test if the relationship. Some will pass n some will fail. But would you really want to be in any relationship with some who doesn't value your thoughts n feelings?
Better to risk ruining the weekend, than risk wasting decades. Divorced after 35 yrs married to a narcissist; wishing I’d ruined a weekend.
If someone calls a basic boundary controlling or an ultimatum, the answer is yes! Welcome to boundaries, they are things that I want the people around me to do otherwise I will reduce contact or leave. And whatever definition of “controlling” or “ultimatum” you have that applies to a basic boundary probably also applies to every single boundary you could possibly set.
"You're trying to control me?" = "I'm gonna call you names if I feel like it".
Excellent! I’ve been accused of ultimatums when I have set a boundary.
But I held to it. It’s really hard. But it heals both of you.
It’s frustrating being accused when you set boundaries but you have to consider that if a two year old throws a tantrum you just let it go.
Some adult tantrums need to be let go.
I had almost this exact conversation with my ex. It wasn't specifically about name calling, but a discussion that had escalated to a bad place anyway. It was one of the first times in our 14 year relationship that I specifically tried setting a boundary. The meltdown that ensued from me saying "I might have to leave the room in the future" is one of the many signs that it was time to let go.
Just got out a 6 year relationship and after seeing your videos i realized i never set those boundaries and this would be a good way to do that in the future.
I wish we were all taught communication reflection and boundaries early in life. We now see how this can happen as adults. Keep up your awesome work, loving it ❤
Once again, thank you so much. As someone who has never been allowed to have boundaries, I’m pretty clueless as to how one is supposed to establish any. Very helpful! Thanks again❣️
I wish I had known these things 50 years ago, maybe it might have saved a marriage and spared 4 children a lot of grief. Thank you, Jimmy! Keep on keeping on.
Remember, fights, alcohol, and internet is where real things come out. If someone starts calling you smth in the heat of the moment then that's what they really think of you. Don't let that "I was drunk/angry and didn't mean it" thing fool you.
Dang. You’re really good. Every time I watch these videos, it’s like a text book version of how a mature person would handle relationship issues. I wish I had these tools before. But I’m glad it’s available now. Learning a lot and I’m hopefully I’ll be wise enough to bring them into my next relationship.
I have definitely been guilty of mistaking boundaries around what someone will accept in an argument as them abandoning the conversation. This is really eye opening. It also shows me that I can set those same boundaries and express them in a clear and healthy way.
Great videos. I'm single right now after quite a toxic relationship and I feel like your videos are helping me to shed some baggage and bad behaviours I've picked up before I enter a relationship with someone else.
I love the videos where he also plays the woman. Especially like this one cuz it helps me to be aware of what a boundary is. Especially growing up where I had none. 😊
Please do more on how to set boundaries, some of us were never allowed to have any, so don’t have the language to use. This was really helpful! ❤
having an argument is normal but disrespecting someone is not. some people do not understand that you can have an argument without disrespecting someone.