Narcissistic Traits vs. "REAL" Narcissism
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
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Many people traumatized as children show TRAITS of narcissism. Part if this is learned from narcissistic parents, and part develops to compensate for trauma wounds. In this "best of" compilation I bring together my most popular videos on traits of narcissism -- in ourselves and others -- and letters from people raised by narcissistic parents.
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I find that I’ve been an “opinion bully” not as a narcissist but more as a disregulated trait. I believed that I was “helping” or “educating”. Now that I’ve started to work on myself I see that my behavior is very inappropriate.
I’m working on this issue as I hadn’t stopped to care that it really changed the vibe and left people feeling drained and that it’s actually controlling and arrogant on my part. It touches on some anger I have Im sure.
I think I’ll have to write this stuff down in order to not be so intense with opinions and being pushy about it. I thought I was getting a handle on it but I see it is like a muscle and I have to keep working on it. Apologies to those folks whose vibes I’ve affected.
That is really great self-reflection. Thank you for sharing! Dysregulation can lead to us acting in ways that are ... socially sub-optimal. :) If you like Anna's approach, you may enjoy the Daily Practice, too. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Julie@TeamFairy
❤
Me too. Insufferable know-it-all. Thanks.
OMG You just describe me 100% haha
Incredible self-reflection and self-criticism. We can't change unless we acknowledge the behavior, so kudos to you for even getting to this step! I believe some people never get here. And thank you for sharing.
I just found you by accident the other day, and have been watching quite a few of your videos. I’m way too far damaged I think to even get into any type of therapy, any recollection of my past or my emotions sends me into panic mode, but I’m listening to your videos in my own time, and I just want to say, I think you are one of the nicest, most sensible and sensitive, tactful, and kind people I have ever listened to, and I am so happy that you are here to help so many broken people. What a wonderful world this would be with more humans like you in it.
Thank you so much for the kind words.
-Cara@TeamFairy
You can always always benefit from therapy. Always. 💟
@@colleenomara4980 I haven’t had good experiences I’m afraid.. I find it incredibly difficult to open up.. I’m very self conscious and I can’t even handle someone looking at my face. 😂😂
BetterHealth has phone and text options and no one is too broken. Only if you choose to feel you are.
@@KC-gi9ol I didn’t say I was too broken, I’m just entirely introverted and unable to talk about anything private.
I have a friend who went through childhood being abused by her father. She has only just told me about this several months ago and very few people know. She is 62. Just from becoming friends with her at work 8 years ago, she has taught me, by example (probably unknowingly or maybe in a subtle, intentional way), how to not always focus on myself, how to listen to others and truly care. I add, that were it not for you, Anna, I wouldn't have picked up on this and put two and two together. She is one of those you mentioned here, went through a childhood of trauma thanks to her father, and yet, did not emerge with CPTSD. She is the most loving, giving, doing, caring, concerned friend....to everyone. I taught her a new phrase...(she is from Ecuador; moved her as a child with her family). I told her "you love the unloveable". Don't get me wrong though, she knows boundaries and has them in place...She has stuck with me and not abandoned me as a friend, which is worth her weight in gold, for as we know, those of us with CPTSD often struggle in the friendship department. I told her, I was one of those "unloveable" people...lol, to which she responded, "you are not!" Thank-you Anna and thank-you my friend.
❤❤❤❤❤❤🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
Thank you 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Stories about friendship make me want to happy cry they are so warm
I don't know if it is CPTSD or autism. Like I can't think of anything that would lead me to have CPTSD.
@@JF59122 Could it be emotional neglect? Maybe the autism makes you more vulnerable to stuff that wouldn't have damaged others as much? So both?
I love how you share a bit of your own life experiences. It definitely sets you apart and relating to you gives me comfort when I can’t relate to anyone in my life.
She isn’t trained be careful a lot of her content is not correct treatmenf
@@SereneSoulSeeker I am an adult with critical thinking skills and plenty of life experience. Being “trained” is not a requirement to help people.
@@BFNLEO If you look into solid treatment / psychotherapy you will find true recovery and wellness that takes deep root within and if done right can catalyze permanent change.
I used to be quite self centered but through therapy and aging I'm a lot less self centered than I used to be...
I’m SO glad you debunked the whole “If you think you might be a narcissist you’re not” thing…. Like it seriously helps to wrestle with yourself instead of fallback on a platitude that convinces you that thought alone is sufficient to create positive changes in your relationships…
“Probably not “ she said. Don’t forget the probably.
Greater Narcs will always know they Are. And even the other levels will surely have to wonder sometimes, I would think.
I just watched another video about toxic shame and the woman in that was talking about cptsd and how a false self develops in order to hide the core identity which feels worthless. Sounded very similar to NPD. It's all very interesting isn't it. I doubt people with NPD would be surfing the net looking for what's "wrong" with them... 🧐
I am searching today for what's wrong with me.
I'm 67. 5 months ago I ran away from my husband.
My mom was I think a narcissist. She didn't talk to me about life at all. First divorce with such drama.
I floated from man to man for many years. Looking for love.
At 50 I met a guy and got married. He says that I asked him. I honestly don't know.
It's 14 yrs later now.
I ran away. 2 wks later a woman tild me I was being hurt by a Narcissistic Abuser.
While that may be true (he displayed many if the characteristics described), today I'm looking only at myself and I'm sure that I have the PTSD. And I'm a Narcissistic Abuser too.
I am no contact with him.
Anyway, just heard this channel today for the first time.
It seems to help me right now.
That, comes from Dr. Sam Vaknin. Who literally coined the term narcisim and actually contributed to the dsm5 and even earlier editions. He also teaches in at least five colleges and wrote the the very first book on the subject after he invented it. Anyone who says otherwise is mistaken. A symptom of narcissistic personality disorder is not being able to be self aware or have self reflection. One can't contradict the man who literally discovered and coined the illness.
@maryjoarrowsmith1124 Cptsd can mimic the symptoms of npd. That doesn't mean you have mpd. You definitely need to see a licenced professional in your area. I would recommend a therapist. They can actually talk to you. Not just listen.
I think it's easy to confuse being self-focused with narcissism. But the difference is really in callousness or maliciousness, wherein a true narc will always be those things. A borderline or a CPTSD person may lash out, but it's not out of callousness or maliciousness. When you are trapped inside your own head, it's quite difficult to break out of that, especially if you've turned to self-isolation as a form of self-preservation. Put yourself out there and be more social, and those tendencies will go away very quickly.
Wellllll….to be fair, when a narcissist is malicious he or she is called a ‘malignant narcissist’. There’s lots of narcissists beside that type.
It’s not so bad to acknowledge the toxic elements in one’s own behaviour. On the contrary, it opens the way to much better contacts with others. For me, anyhow.
@@i.ehrenfest349 but the issue with narcissists is their self focus and lack of self reflection or empathy for others. I feel like if a narcissist got to the point of being self aware and was actively working on change than they would quickly lose the title.
@@briannawaldorf8485 Yeah, I guess that issue with empathy goes for all of them (although some narcissism experts don’t think so.) It’s just that we do have the special category of malicious narcissists for those who really, genuinely want to hurt and exploit others. Most narcissists are more like drowning people who take others down with them. That’s dangerous enough…
💯
Yes, apparently there's a lot of myths around narcissists, it's not like they're not self aware or even completely lack empathy, feelings, emotions or moral compass - it's just that they have this pervasive sense of emptiness inside them which makes them hunt for narcissistic supply all the time, to the point that little else really matters to them. Sam Vaknin, an expert on narcissism, is an example of an aware and responsible narcissist, who's trained himself to not lash out, self supply (apparently) and be a non-threatening, productive member of society - but this still means he can't experience certain things (so apparently he can't be really 'cured') and that must have taken a lot of (forced?) humility and work.
"Healing makes faking stop working."
When you said "i believe you Rose, i believe you," it had an effect on me that was almost as powerful as if i was being addressed personally. The comfort and relief your validation brought me (and hopefully Rose!) felt like a warm hug. Thank you!
I'm so happy to hear that, thank you for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I got disregulated today and tried the airplane visual. I kept saying to myself keep it on the ground keep it on the ground and it worked. The plane did not fly and I did not fly off the handle. Thanks so much. You’re the best
Thanks for sharing! I'm so glad the video was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It took me years into adulthood to understand and accept that I come from a toxic home (narcissistic mother and enabling father). And I've only started accepting that I'm codependent and trauma-bonded to a narcissistic, emotionally unavailable man. (Expressing the difficulty of my marriage to a girlfriend brought this to the light). I'm so hurt and ashamed because I brought two beautiful children into a rocky home of my own making.... Couples counseling is a fail, so I've decided to start therapy on my own. Just the thought of it makes me anxious though, because I've spent years being invalidated by my mother (and spouse), but I'm hoping to break the trauma bond, to put energy towards my kids and myself alone.
Wow ,wow, wow I so can relate.
You’re describing my life.
Mine, too! Exactly! We're not alone then.
I'm a classic victim of a narcissistic late mother who scapegoated me & it has been subconsciously perpetuated by my immediate family long after her passing in 2016.
I feel validated, after all these years - it matters.
Mine too
Hi this is currently my life too. I have two beautiful girls with this man and I still love the idea of things being magically fixed.
Thank k you for making this video. I was raised by two narcissists (not diagnosed) and it took me years to be able to see the way I had absorbed their behavior in really unhealthy ways. It was straight up narcissistic acting, and so defensive about looking at any possible flaws. About six years ago I got out of a relationship with a narcissist who was a con artist, like at her core, like it was a real relationship but she was in a constant state of the con. It was traumatizing in an extremely deep way and leaving her caused me also to cut ties w my family, and I was drowning in not knowing who was who in the relationship I was trying to save myself from. I was horrified looking back, which I did alone, and realizing that I thought I might be a narcissist, and that if I cared about people at all I would never involve myself in their lives again. Anyones. It took several years of deep therapy to understand I’m not a narcissist and to slowly lay my weapons down, becoming undefended. I still have the traits but I catch them and I know it’s a signal I’m afraid, like I know what to do about it. I’ve found that when I’m in that mode it’s a sign I have to basically find the time at some point soon to treat myself like a kid. Literally order pizza, watch toons, hum to myself, stim, connect to the Abandoned Child so that they’re secure enough to not try to protect me when I’m near another person.
Sorry for the typos, I’m on my phone in the middle of something and I’m trying to type with drying gesso on my fingers. It’s a mess.
ah, gesso. Good memories.
I never thought I was a narcissist, but for a while, thought I might have BPD. That was before I found your channel; CPTSD really fits my symptoms much better. After trying for so long to figure out what's wrong with me, having a diagnosis is such a relief! (I think I scored 13 or 14 on your survey.) Time now for the scary part - doing the work. (I have a crippling fear of failure.)
You are not one. The critical component of narcissism is the motivation along with callous and clueless indifference for the other person.
Narcissism is very different from the normal struggles of selfishness that makes up the broken human condition.
Furthermore, another thing that greatly characterizes narcissism is the refusal to accept responsibility or apologize while simultaneously blaming you or others for their behavior.
It's deep arrogance and manipulation designed to feed the insatiable self within.
Thank you!! I'm the same and a dear friend has been given the BPD diagnosis- I'm encouraging her towards CPTSD instead. I've both been a patient in hospital & worked in mental health & the whole BPD diagnosis is crap, in my personal opinion...it's really all to do with early trauma....I hope you are doing OK, take care & thanks for sharing 🩵
It’s easy to get sucked into the bad label that isn’t consistent over people nor fully p described it absolutely bypasses etiology. If we don’t understand how this happened, we cannot start to heal.
It’s not trauma informed. That can make us feel re traumatized by an authoritarian medical model of psychiatry. They are not above the sufferer. That is the most important. There is cruelty in that. If their interventions are not trauma informed, they. are at the least unhelpful.
I am honestly blown away by Anna’s life changing wisdom. I had given up.
Don't give up, if you are on this channel that means you are probably trying to figure stuff out and self reflect; self reflection is a sign that you are a considerate person
I love who you are. I did not have a traumatic childhood but I do have terrible clutter problems. I just discovered you today, and I relate to so much you are saying. I was raised by a motherless mother so I think some of the trauma was passed down to us - her children. I will watch more.
Kassi Maneri-Best wishes and good luck, Kassie-
I really love what you’re doing, but the crappy parents are also seriously traumatised as kids and that’s how it was passed on, so having contempt for the mum doesn’t feel good, she’s just as damaged as her daughter, and deserves as much compassion. I am that mum and I’m also that daughter, and it’s incredibly painful realising the damage I’ve done, I’ve tried to run away from it my whole life but not any more so that’s why I’m doing your process, because it has to stop with me.
Glad you are working to stop the cycle. Thank you for being here.
TeamFairy
The victim complex is real. It is one thing to be victimized at one point, or even for a span of time. BUT it shouldn’t become your identity because identities are static and inflexible. That means that even if you have now erected defense mechanisms and offensive measures that have turned you into a bully or aggressor (to avoid being victimized), you still identify as the victim in every situation… and that’s what narcissists do!
In adulthood, it’s important to evaluate every situation objectively and see your own contributions to it. There is freedom in this approach!
You are amazing. I have adapted and healed in similar ways. I don't need to talk about the past details but I still have things to learn. I feel so excited that my toxic traits can be improved. You are explaining so much .
It's wonderful you have such a positive mindset in regard to healing! I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
People I know who got trapped into controlling and cultlike groups tend to be intelligent and sensitive, but in a vulnerable point in their lives. So they get exposed to “new knowledge”, and get love-bombed (“these people understand me”).
Thank you so much for this video. I feel like a monster most of the time but I’m slowly trying to unpick how my responses were normal because of my mother’s narcissism. I’d rather blame myself than admit it was that bad. Hopefully I’ll get some healing soon 🙏🏻
I hear you. I go to therapy to know what's normal and "how to act." Wishing you the best
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place and we're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for your comment. I too suffer with admitting I was a victim. That was (and still is) very uncomfortable for me. Then also, as soon as I began my work of healing, I began being accused of 'playing the victim ' from even very close friends and family. It's a hard path...❤
I had a shocking realisation today that I had gaslit myself into thinking I was just a ‘a really good person’ and that’s why I keep being excessively nice to people and wanting to help them, when the truth is that I’ve been using that image in order to gain validation and be seen as ‘useful’ to others so I can keep their attention
Thank you for clarity here as I spent 38 years in 12 step recovery. 10 rehabs ...I was sexually physically and emotionally abused and abandoned while in the care of narcissistic parents. I was lost until I found these videos are saving what is left of my life. My parents death was a blessing in so many ways because they made me feel like the abuse was my fault. I was punished for being abused and I was suicidal for most of my life. Now I listen to this and try to move on.
Richard Grannon is fantastic! He was the first Cptsd coach i found online, and he has some really great programming. Highly recommend. i actually found this channel through the recommendations on his, for which i will always be grateful. i've often wondered if you were familiar with him, good to know you have a positive opinion of him, somehow that reinforces my belief that i am on the right path ;D
Yes, I know @Richard_Grannon's work pretty well, and admire his work. He's one of a kind.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy interesting! I was thinking this morning about how for me, Richard is the masculine yang energy and you are the feminine yin energy! I spent 2 years focused on Richard's work, learning to stand up for myself, spotting dynamics, learning how to deal with it. Still got into 3 relationship dynamics with emotionally abusive folk 🤣 so am now following you, doing the inner feminine nurturing work. Fingers crossed I'm nearly there! 🤞
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming).
I would recommend Professor Sam Vaknin
I found Richard Grannon yesterday and couldn’t stop listening to him because everything he was saying was so precisely spot on. Now I’m watching this video, and 40m in you highly recommend him! Amazing how the universe works 😂
Narcissists need to appear as the better person in all circumstances there is no personal growth with them or insight or self reflection, go full “grey rock”, plan an exit strategy and run like hell !
Thank you. ❤️
Specifically for sharing your experiences.
I've been diagnosed by my psychiatrist with C.P.S.D.
I am feeling like I have narcissistic qualities.
I was sexually abused for years by my uncle. 1-7 and raped by two men as a forty year old woman.
I do Not feel targeted by everybody. But I do by my uncle and those two men.
Thank you for all of this information.
I want to grow. I have started a painful journey of looking at myself but I need to go to a therapist for deep help.
I've been so confused after my last relationship.
I would like to write a letter to you.
I want to be happy or content without someone else making me feel that way.
x
* 7-10 years old
I hear you. If you're interested, you can write to Anna here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters -Calista@TeamFairy
I feel you.
You are seriously so helpful , your channel is so rich and dense with helpful info
Hi Anna, just stopping by in the comments to say thank you and to tell you I'm still following you after years and learning from you with each upload. I'm currently homeless after leaving an abusive situation, living in emergency accommodation, but things are getting there and I'm going to be ok. I hope you and the whole CCF community that we are together are doing well ❤
Oh, I'm so sorry you have been abused, and proud of you for leaving it behind and taking care of yourself. I send you much love and encouragement! 💗💕🌟
I don’t know you but I’m proud of you 😊. Never stop thinking of your bright future. Keep your eyes on the prize.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, I'm glad the channel has been helpful. I'm so sorry to hear you have been going through this, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
wow you're so strong
I wish there weren't so many cruel and broken people in this world. 😢
I'm glad I'm learning about it and hopefully can choose healthy people in the future!
💯❤️
What can we do and see from an objective perspective for triggers of “ not being heard” in a narcissistic family system???
Narcissistic people/ behavior is a common occurrence of not hearing with compassion, listening ,understanding ( lack of empathy) or even caring ( lack of communication with empathy as well as denial) about others as an individual and whole person.
I came upon your video accidentally yesterday. I've been following Prof Sam Vaknin and he was viewing your channel. I'm 70 and the Professor and Dr Ramani has helped me deal with the middle part of my life. I'm so greatfull to find someone who can help me heal from the beginning part of me also. I'll be watching to heal the end of my life! Thank you!
Oh yes, I've been in those "my past is worse than yours" competitions, & lean it's best to let the other person "win." Yay for you! You focus on the solution rather than the problem! Einstein said that! You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it!
“It’s alll *dramatic gibberish* blah blah balah” 💖 I’m glad I’m not alone hearing it all I could do is roll my eyes and groan like
OKAY MOOOMM
That Gemini comment is amazingly revealing and puts a giant "L" on her head not on yours... I have CPTSD and, at 67yo, still working on my symptoms. I am also a double Gemini and proud of it! I had many similar bullies to deal with and I just shut them off. It never helped the relationships but I did not care. I was a bit of a workaholic so I just kicked the dust off my feet and focused on my customers who loved me.
Thanks for your comments on cancel culture. You've made the distinction between legitimately standing up to real injustice, or just bullying people for ego massage, better than anyone I've heard.
Rose's mom sounds like a friend of mine's mom. When we were in high school, every few months when she wanted pity, it was that she had cancer and needed surgery. (It's been 20 years and she's fine)
Her mum reminds me of my mother, l wouldn’t have known how to express how she did and how much blame I lived with for so long
@@annanicholson7923it took me years to get to this spot. It’s rough….
Shit... It's like you are talking about me. This has me written all over. I am 47 just came to know few months back that I have cptsd. Can not get along with siblings as its triggering old wounds. I take a flight whenever triggered. And most of all I was asking exactly the same question to myself. Am I turning into a narcissist....a lot like the ppl who did this to me? Many times I think it's only me.. I also struggling with the friendship part of my life. I pity my kids who have to put up with me and my anger and outbursts. Feels like there is no escape. I hate myself and what I have done after my "angry mode".
Hmm. Trying to figure out this shit and you are helping me loads. Even more than my therapist.
I'm so sorry to hear that, I know how painful it can be. I'm glad the channel has been helpful, if you're interested I strongly encourage you to check out Anna's course 'Dysregulation Bootcamp', I think it could really help you with this. Here's a link: bit.ly/CCF__DB -Calista@TeamFairy
*YOU'RE SO AWESOME. LUV YA.*
*Your input on cancel culture... just wow.* 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
This video helped me take accountability for some narcissistic tendencies I had but didn’t notice. I’ve been in psychotherapy on/off for over 18 years (I’m 30) and felt like I was going in circles, reliving my past all over again. Your videos help me getting out of the victim mindset and to stop making my psychiatric illness/suffering my whole identity. Your channel is a very important resource for me and I just wanted to express my appreciation. I’ve had extreme problems with limerence/love addiction all my life to a debilitating extent and was never able to put a name on it cause most providers aren’t familiar with it. Thanks to you, I finally understand this trait and why I have it. That I’m not „bad“ or „broken“. Thank you so much!
Wow, thank you so much for creating this video! I have been following and watching some of your videos for a few months now. Lately, I have been feeling like I am on the path to becoming a narcissist and have wanted to somehow "stop it." You breaking down, explaining and sharing your own experiences is very helpful and eye-opening. Freya's situation sounds exceedingly similar to my own trauma bond and toxic relationship with my ex. Your videos are informative with helping me be more aware of my own behaviors and tendencies.
It's great you're capable of this self-awareness, that's the most important step in healing! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
have cptsd due to my traumatic childhood but i don't recognize myself when she talks about people who are "traumatized don't let others talk because we do all the talk". For me, it was all the opposite, i didn't have my place, I wasn't seen or heard, they talk non stop without giving space to express my feelings etc.
It was the same with my narcissist mother, she didn't care about me, about my feelings, my thoughts, the only thing she' has been caring about is her needs, her desires, all about her.
So all my former relationships were the same. I was only important when they needed a therapist, otherwise my life was irrelevant to them..
If you have empathy you are not a narcissist
Totally appreciate the crumb and cake analogy. I would be emotionally starving for acceptance and validation from my narcissist father and my shame and self esteem were just awful. Lots of work to be done now in my 40s.
You got this! -Calista@TeamFairy
There can be forgiveness without reconciliation. Keep your boundaries and don’t feel the need to let them hurt you again if they are unwilling to respect you in the ways that you require.
i always feel like i am a bad person and everyone better than me😢
I hear you. I’m glad you’re here!
Nika@TeamFairy
"What's with all the phones ?". Well my dad did this when I decided to go no contact with him and told him so. He bought another phone and left messages as if I had never warned him : "I don't understand, I couldn't get through so I changed phone". Everytime I blocked the number he would buy a new card. To me it's a hoovering technique. It can last a very long time, because if he's really narcissistic that's all he knows..
Sometimes, if you're not sure, it's best to allow ppl at work to warm up to you first. Youll find out a lot that way, you'll see who is and isnt trustworthy without risking as much.
Or she experienced a Narcissistic Injury where they literally cant move . They mistake it for being sick. A major blow to the ego
I've been working in therapy to lessen the "victim feelings" as well...
This reminded me of a friend i had. I was lonely and she was intense and made me her best friend after just a few weeks. My body gave me signals that something was off about it but i didn’t listen.
She would soon begin to say that i was toxic, unstable, that people could see i was a wounded and broken person and that i was a alcoholic. She said she said these things to help me grow and heal. She would ruin my relationships with men by being cruel to them and saying i was toxic. Once i talked to a man at a party and she screamed and pushed me because i didn’t notice her standing there alone. However when she found someone to talk to she would leave parties without telling me. I finally had it one night and told her to f*** off, she threatend me to never talk to me again and i said thank god. Then she started screaming that she would kill herself.
She went to a doctor who said she had borderline PS, she then went to another one who made her a victim of others and it made my exfriend even sicker. I later talked to friends who met her and everyone said they were a bit scared of her and that i’m a calm and healthy person, it took me some time to realize i’m not sick and toxic like she said. I’m glad both me and the woman in the video broke it off, i guess even people with CPTSD have a line in the end
We tend to focus on our romantic and family relationships, I wish there was more information out there about platonic relationships and their pitfalls. I had a couple bad Besties in my high school and college years and I wish I knew then what I know now
Hahahahha I was laughing when you suddenly said “like catching an STD orgh!” Lololol
Very much appreciate your use of the word mindf*ckery - accurate!
"Mindfuckery"!!! Priceless ;)
Thankyou Anna, for all you do ❤️
Still recommend the book:
“He’s Scared, She’s Scared.” On why we pick unavailable but blame the one WE picked.
Very good explanation of dynamic.
thanks for the share, going to check this out
Thank you for the recommandation 🙂 I listened to the audible sample and it sounds like a really good book.
Is there a video of just the first portion of this where Fairy is talking about those tendencies? From the beginning to 24:26 ?
You dont have to forgive ANYBODY! and you dont "have to love them" just because they gave birth to you!
You could say "let god forgive them" not my job as i walk away and rightfully leave
I was married for 18 years to a narcissist and have two children (now adults)with her. I divorced in 2009 Sadly the courts ignored warnings signs and granted custody of the then children to her. Years of substance abuse and involvement with law inforcement and court appearances my Ex finerally gave custody back to me however the damage was done. . I've worked hard and will always do anything for my kids . In contrast to this video it's been my experience that Sadly the only way to control her narcissistic behavior is incarceration. Narcissistic behavior is a choice not a medical condition. Not all narcissist cross legal lines with their behavior but because of my experience i know first hand that there are some people who try to hide behind the narcissistic label. If you watch a recent interview with Michael J Fox .it becomes impossible to have any sympathy for a narcissist. My prayer for my ex is that she remains incarcerated. . I also hope family courts will take a closer look when red flags are presented
Thank you for your time
Michael J Fox? Is he a narc? I thought he was a nice guy struggling with Parkinson’s?
Yes,Fox is a great guy hes a fighter. In his recent interview he took away from any narcissist the ability to suck sympathy from the rest of us. So no,, he is not a narcissist, just the opposite
Is Michael J Fox a narc?
I do, because I talk a lot, and feel the need to fill in the silent spaces..
One of your best videos.
I'm glad you enjoyed :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Yes! On the ex cool girl tshirt !
This is a funny one because as you individuate and reassert your independence you will be accused of it. If you were raised by a narcissist, too, you are like an ACA/COA person raised by an alcoholic you are likely to mirror those behaviors because that is all you experienced but that doesn't make you an alcoholic. When dealing with family, it's clear I don't mind being alone. I don't have thoughts of self-hate in my head for the most part and if I do it is after being with the narc family member. I'm not concerned about controlling other people or my personal image. I don't do personal attacks. I'm not concerned if I have a lot of friends, etc. I listen to people and consider what they say and react.
I'm still watching but I'm confused what causes CPTSD from being abused by a narc? So we get narc tendencies ty
This was an excellent video. To Frea, this guys seems to be a narcissist for sure. The 6 month mark is VERY significant. My once perfect relationship went up in flames around 6 months when his other girlfriend reached out to me to tell me I was sharing a boyfriend. That’s usually about how long someone can hold their mask up!
People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.
I had Stockholm Syndrome from being raised by a narc parent because its so normalized since its the only parent we've known. I remained in relationship with my mother for so many more years than I should've been - I'd take breaks from her for months or a year, then upon reconnecting she'd slam me with some casual insult that re-opens the wound. Finally I put my foot down. I haven't spoken to her in several years now. Real healing has happened in that time, having had space to breathe and unwind from how twisted up she got me. Cutting off the narcissist mother was crucial for me to deal with my own CPTSD and existential depression that she caused.
Bet she's relieved as well.
Typical narc...love bomb -> abuse->discard->hoovering -> repeat
My heart really goes out to Rose. Her mom really does sound narcissistic. I know that I'm not a professional, but I saw narcissistic stuff even before Anna said something.
I was in a cult and towards the second half they would say that I shouldn't think my issues (unknown C-PTSD/chronic dissociation) are unique, and then also would be constantly puzzled by my issues.
Thank you so much to Anna & the team for putting this compilation together. So helpful & so valuable.
I'm so happy to hear that! -Calista@TeamFairy
Also, this is one of the best pieces I have heard on cancel culture. Thank you for saying it.
I've started to think that the difference between an actual narcissist and someone who is healing from a sh*t childhood is the following:
Narcissist: "I MATTER, not like you!"
CPTSD: "I MATTER, just like you!"
The thing is, if you only hear the part before the comma, they can sound identical.
I was told in 8th grade by my 8th grade language arts teacher said I walked around with a target on mu forehead i still to this day dont understand what she meant
Oh dear, not Richard Grannon…I agree with the people who comment on his channel that they get bad “narc vibes” when watching him. So do I. One person mentioned, in particular, that Grannon is always “narcissistically abused” by his partners. Could he be a vulnerable narcissist?
His enabling of Vaknin doesn’t bode well, either. It’s creepy that Vaknin, and his peculiar theories, have such a following. Sometimes, when I read the comments, I feel that many people are inordinately complimentary to Vaknin, try to convince him he’s actually a “good person”, not a narcissist…that, to me, feels like some kind of trauma bond. Or something like that.
I’ve watched many narcissism channels, and only with Grannon do I get the feeling - not safe. (With Vaknin of course it’s not a feeling, as he is a narcissist. Now, anyway - he used to claim he was a psychopath, and personally I feel that’s closer to the mark.)
Sounds like Freya is dealing with a malignant narcissist 😢
After listening to your video, I am confused as to if I am not supposed to share uncomfortable feelings to my partner regarding below issues.
My boyfriend slept with a flight attendant before meeting me. He slept together a few times before realizing that it was best to remain friends. They are friends on social media and see each other when they are in the same area/country. The flight attendant is now engaged, but when they saw each other last time, she told him that her fiancé is away at the moment. He assumed that she wanted to sleep with him, but he didn't make a move.
It feels like it could be a potential problem in the relationship in the future especially when he describes that the sex he had with her was amazing, different, and best sex he has ever had. I communicated to him that this makes me insecure and uncomfortable.
My bf's response was something like, "We are just friends now so you don't have to worry about it. I don't want insecure, distrustful, and controlling partner. You should work on your insecurity and trust me."
After hearing his response, I felt like he doesn't consider my feelings so I ended up giving him the ultimatum that he shouldn't keep in touch with her. I know it's wrong to do so since he didn't cheat on me. He didn't listen or agree with my ultimatum anyways. I am feeling uncomfortable and unheard. Am I suppose to just wait until something actually bad happens?
In addition to this issue, there are other aspects of his behavior that make me uneasy.
He had porn videos of his ex-girl friends.
He offered a girl who he has never met in person and who he met online, a ride from the airport to her hotel on top of taking her out to show the area.
He likes to meet new people so he starts the conversation first and gets phone numbers from the girls.
He's friends with couple of his ex girlfriends.
I am aware that some people end relationships in a mature way that lets them be friends after it’s over. But what if they don't set boundaries?
Before my boyfriend and I started dating, he had an ex-girlfriend who occasionally slept together with him after they broke up. Even though she moved to a different country, she continued to call him on the phone and refer to him as "my baby." I expressed to him that I find it disrespectful and asked why he hasn't addressed the boundary issue with her. He responded by saying he doesn't want to create a fuss and that he doesn't use such terms for her, so I shouldn't worry. I explained that it's essential to set boundaries and that they can still be friends, but he should tell her not to call him "my baby" anymore since he's in a relationship with me. He was reluctant but after a long argument eventually sent her a polite text, stating that he values their friendship but would appreciate it if she stopped using that term since he's now in a committed relationship. The ex replied something along the line of "good luck with your new relationship. I won't talk to you anymore." After reading her text, he got sad and cried that he lost a good friend.
Whenever I communicate my feelings regarding these issues, he tells me to focus on the positives and work on my insecurity.
Am I too focused on my partner and whether my partner makes things good for me?
You're an angel Anna
I understand using the vulnerable approach to how this was allowed to occur. But I have discovered in my recovery I had to stop being the childlike victim and take responsibility for myself and the people I choose to expose myself to. The cycle will never until YOU become the Loving and responsible parent you never had. I suggest Adult
Children of Alcoholics and family dysfunction organization where you can accomplish the goal of this author for free and they have tons of workbooks and literature. He’s off to her understanding, she has a good grasp of this CPTSD.
Dismissing of own feelings…l have been in therapy for years and still struggle because l am told my boundaries are to strong by the loved ones who are not respectful. I fold over and over on boundaries. I feel like there is a sexist element to this. I have been told my whole life that l am strong, over leaned on by everyone. I am also told l need to detach and am too emotional. l am also told l am too harsh for erecting boundaries and saying no. I feel like l can’t win too often and feel shamed when l take healthy moves.
I tend to think that people who think everyone lies are also liars. Do they really think they are there only ones who don't lie?
What also happens is that chidren like Rose cant let go and allow the mother to continue to manipulate as she forever looks for opportunities to insert herself and her opinions.
Secretly the mother resents the husband, (eapecially if he ahows signs of resisting her manipulations), and at the slightest evidence that there is marital strife, will launch a subtle and persistent jihad on the husband, doing things to undermine his authority in the home and discretely challenge the daughter's love and commitment to the husband.
Ask me how I know...😂😂😂
I can guess what the dwindling sex is about, this man sounds exactly like my ex right down to the make up thing.. it's all about supply and control, the sex doesn't mean the same thing to a narcissist as it does a healthy person.. it's a performance, simply a manipulation.. supply. stopping the sex is designed to traumatize you , make you want them more, trauma bond.. there's no real connection with them even the staring into your eyes is an act.. they just love the power they have over you
The mom talking about the husband and putting down her daughter is completely odd and messed up. That mom is def narcissistic. It hurt me too!
Wow i've been struggling with this thought for a while now.❤
I just watched another video, not by Anna though, but another woman who's also overcome childhood trauma, it's called toxic shame, what it is and how to heal. It's no wonder so many of us go to NPD as a suspected diagnosis as the coping mechanisms seem pretty close in nature. Worth watching if you ever need any more reassurance
I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CB19087 What's the name of her channel?
@@andreavanda5402 Heidi Priebe she's called. From what I can tell, she focuses on attachment. I just finished a book recommend on one of her videos, its called Healing the shame that binds you. By John Bradshaw.
Narcissists don't b e c o m e narcs as a result of trauma, they are born so, you CAN'T traumatize them.
14:17 but how about when it’s true? For instance the loved one consumed by a substance abuse problem? Or the family where one of the adults is running roughshod over everybody else with their unreasonable demands?
I mean, I’m not saying I’m a better human being than another person, just that I know better in this area than that person does. They might be better at an aspect of life than me.
But I can’t pretend I lack a skill set that I actually have.
We got to see how abused most are, yet most aren’t aware. Yet?!
Forgiving people while keeping an emotional boundary so they don't have any impact on you is the most powerful outcome you can aspire to. Most people who hurt you have their own wounds that they can't see. The more you can recognize other people's negative behaviors as expressions of personal pain and respond empathetically (with boundaries), the more you will grow and succeed in life.
I love your content. It has been game-changing for me. Thank you!
Great insight. Thank you for sharing it with us. And we're glad you are a part of our community here!
Nika@Team Fairy
I used to talk about my Traumas while I was helping but I hardly talk about my Traumas at all anymore..
Thank you for your videos ! I agreee wholeheartedly with your advice for Fraya-- I hope she takes your advice.
OMG, my ex N would read the horoscopes out loud in a group and make mine real negative.
You can vacillate roles even within the same long relationship. I like the saying “ If we live long enough, we play all the roles”. Learning to not get stuck in the drama is the solution
That’s so true if I can learn the difference (s) now! Life just gets better 🌺thk u for your expressions so right on
After having paychopaths in my whole life I am like a sponge to new ones
Yes.
Me too.
Yikes, folks! Please learn how to protect yourselves. Nothing’s ever easy, but you are both worthy of healthy lives. Health and happiness to you both!
So weird how they seem to come out of the woodwork. Hopefully you can recognize them early.
I’m glad your life path lead you here to make these videos because they’ve changed my life in a way no therapy, friend or medication could
I am so glad you found the channel, thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Well, I’m one of those people that think all (unhealed atleast) humans are narcissists of some sort, me included ofc, may I throw out there that the cptsd narcissistic like traits are a lot like covert narcissism where instead of the ego being “I’m the best and above all” it goes “I suck, everyone should petty me cause the world is against me” still being 100% self centered, I had an ex point that trait out to me and realized that she was def right and that I was causing myself a lot of problems with that mindset which helped me develop, so thnx to her 🙏🏻💖 I do however go into that “I’m gonna give you advice like I know better what you need” thing a lot and this might be something like that 😅🙈🙈 also I think I’ve attracted a lot of narcissist in so might just have a distorted sense of perception aswell! 😂 anyway dosen’t rly matter what u call it! Love your channel, don’t agree with exactly all but it has helped me tremendously and you’re supersmart 💖✨
I HATE HATE HATE when someone uses the term "narcissism" to describe somebody - especially somebody they don't know or somebody that they know too well but are in conflict with because it often is used as an injury and betrayal tool.
I would venture to say that any "narcissism" that is displayed by the general population at one time or another does not qualify as narcissism but as broken selfishness of the human condition.
Real NPD is an entirely different experience. What you're talking about seems more like "calling someone names".
Re: my problems are so bad you could never understand… I have found that just about everybody feels this, CPSD, narc or not. There are always people who have it worse. I spent 10 years counseling and supporting people whose lives had been destroyed by Toxic Injuries. None of us wanted the title “Queen (or King) of the Sickies.” But by the very nature of our injuries we were propelled into the position of talking about why we couldn’t just do X. People we encounter are full of “helpful advice.” Typically its stuff we can’t access/do because of our disabilities.. Most often we’re accused of making excuses. The depth and all encompassing nature of the condition is beyond most normal people’s understanding. Truly. However, there are people so much worse off. I find it therapeutic/balancing to learn about those individuals. Some things I’ve studied: victims of islamic extremists, “Foxe’s Book of Martyrs,” homeopathic medicine journals, history.
It's really not true that current discomfort isn't coming from the past. This is all associated with the way our brains were wired as kids and embedded trauma. Sure, it's not 1965 anymore but to those parts of me, it absolutely is. Healing is about changing that, but please don't diminish this - it sounds like you're in the camp of "make a good choice!"
1:20:14 - Sabelle, you are not alone! And your finally recognizing how your "friend" was abusing you after only 5 or 10 years? Lighting-fast, IMO, as it took me literally decades to recognize and withdraw from "loving" abuse of a family member last summer. CCF is right: we were primed for this in childhood. Bottom-line is that we escape, no matter how long it takes! BRAVA! 💓💐🌸💮🏵🌹🥀🌺🌻🌼🌷💗 a Freedom Bouquet!
There is a man that is an expert in how cults function and he developed a thing called the B.I.T.E. model for how they function, it's interesting to see that end so you know how they trigger you to do what they want. Anything, even a family can function in that model. It's worth learning about.
Hi Anna as I am in the mental health field, people with borderline personality disorder has the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. As explained personality disorder is equal to narcissistic traits in them. They are almost the same