I am just unapologetically myself and what happens, happens. If I'm hyper verbal and that gets used against me... Then thats what happens. If it earns me some spotlight... Then that's what happens. The more I try to censor myself socially... I realize I don't regret it until after. So why endure anxieties over things that have already happened? Just be yourself, everything else will fall in place.
Great analogy! Also: Do not speak to a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words (Proverbs 23:9) Don’t answer a fool according to his foolishness or you will become a fool yourself (Proverbs 26:4)
Amen!! Perfect for this I’m writing this one down. Thank you for sharing I have got to understand that not everyone is like me or as passionate about the things I am, even though I find it in my heart to care for others interest. I Can’t go back and forth with no one
I am an INFJ. Each and every sentence you say resonates with me 100%..If you become selective in choosing people, there's hardly anyone left. Nearly about a year now, I have been almost all of my time alone after applying all the principles you shared. I am just staying away from narcissists. It's peace but also very...quiet. Keeping myself a strong, whole person! Waiting for key audience in my life :)
It is sad that as INFJs we feel it’s “best” to not inform, to share our thoughts or opinions, because we know it won’t be valued. And when we do risk that with someone close to us, it hurts when we are proven right and they invalidate our perspectives and feelings. But not sharing feels like the relationship frays further, because there was an opportunity to be on the same page or to connect but it was left as a divide.
One of my favorite ways to help the "pig" who has an opinion wrapped up in identity is to ask questions in a Socratic way. This helps avoid the defensive stance. I typically ask two questions: 1.) What do you mean by that? (Let them elaborate) & a follow up 2.) How did you come to that conclusion or what reasons led you to believe that? I got this from a Christian apologist actually and it is really effective for a persons own self examination. You wouldn't believe how many people get stumped by #2. They have no reasons just rhetoric. If they realize they may have some ignorance present there is then an opportunity for you to then speak and offer a different perspective. Other times the person doubles down and in that case you move on. I really hope someone uses this!
I have listened to many INFJ, speakers. You sound like my own head, out loud!... Phew,.... Thanks. I am older than you. The older I get, combined with this mirror world,... the circle of those I speak with, openly... has shrank to so few, it causes me concern. I appreciate your exploration. I needed this.
I just found you last week and I thank God I did! I have known about INFJ for years, but not to the extent that you have taught. I’m 74 and you have helped clarify so many situations during my life. I hope to have several more years and know they will be better thanks to your sharing. Sincerely.
I've learned to be very selective with my wisdom and truth. I have learned to pick my battles and save my Pearls for people ready to be open minded, even if they don't agree.
First 40 seconds of this video described my entire life, feeling judged and misunderstood, like I needed to explain every action I took caused lots of problems when I was a child. But the rest of the video didn't really end up going where I thought it would.
For a very long time i did not know what a narcissist was. I had a person in my life (mother of my grandchildren)that did just as you mentioned and eventually I came to understand why she did what she did even when I was attempting to help her, it was interesting how she no longer wants close contact once I realised what was going on. For quite some time I wanted to explain how her actions were affecting the girls and then I realised there was no way she would care. I have backed off and feel so much relief. She no longer attempts to lie about our son. I learned so much. Thanks for your video. I have over explained this to you. I am working on slowing that down to people in general.
NO LONG MORAL JUSTIFICATION SARAH just a reminder for myself here I can’t over do it for anyone anymore because I am already justified and saved from wrath by the blood of the lamb. I do not have to over explain myself to anyone, especially not folks I don’t know. I am not obligated to impress or jump through hoops for nobody ! I am okay. All is well with me. Whoever dislikes me because of the things I like, that is their problem and I cannot fix it for them. Thanks Mr.clay got so much insight today.
Amen Clay!! I think there’s a deeper link here... between what you’re describing... and possibly why so many INFJ’s claim to be quiet/shy. I’m both quiet/shy... and prefer not to talk to people until I can no longer stand the sheer absurdities people spew out of their mouths... then I usually try to change the subject. If that doesn’t work it’s time to walk away and get some air... Sometimes “Silence is Golden”
yeah, that's a good observation actually - it's the slow build. The few times I've got myself into trouble was because it was building more and more inside me until one day I could barely contain myself anymore and had to say something.
Please do not stop making videos. Your videos are so amazing and we love it. INFJs are RARE and probably that is why you don't have as many subscribers as you deserve because I think only INFJs and other deep thinkers like yourself will become interested in such topics. But, we appreciate your videos! Thank you
Funny my sociopath of a relative asked me where I was going and what I was doing among other things constantly, and after I wised up to her motivations and defect of character (god bless maturity), when she asked again this one time I responded "It's funny you think I owe you an explanation for anything I do" ..the look on her face was priceless. It was very unexpected because I would usually pander to her emotions. Leveling up my skill set. lol
I also believe there IS a "deepness divide" - and it's good to recognize that, as well, while you're relying on your intuition and discernment in knowing when, where, how and with whom it's a good idea to share anything you truly care about.
How interesting! I watched that clip of you last week about the deepness divide video. I realized this week that people aren't interested in pearls. Especially today, they just bluntly said it's not possible so why are we talking about it? I was so disappointed with the answer. I just avoided the next thing I wanted to bring up, keeping that pearl for myself. Thank you for your video, I appreciate it! 😋
A few years ago while dating someone, I started searching why he did certain things, why I felt the way I did to find out he was a narcissist. While reading, it dawned on me that my mother's behaviors matched as well. I always knew she was mean, but thought all moms are like that once in a while. Ever since, I've realized some "strange" behaviors I have that are directly correlated to her. Thanks mom! Just recently it dawned on me why I over explain. One example, that people may think is weird, is when someone compliments me on something I'm wearing. I always say thank you and, may God strike me now, I always go into detail on when and where I bought it. Nobody asks me for that information, but I just spew it out like the trained monkey I am. Reason being - she would ask me so many questions. If I showed her a pair of shoes I just got, she'd ask "how much were they?", "Do you really need more shoes?", "Where did you get them?". Another example is when she once called me at 6:30 in the morning to ask me where I was. Confused, I said, upstairs. "Oh, I thought your car wasn't here. I didn't see it behind mine" she giggled. I was an adult. I can go out freely & come home whenever I want. If she is in my life, I'd be explaining & defending myself till she dies. Went no contact 2 years ago. I'm discovering how many INFJ's came from an abusive household & see how the pieces fit. Just breaking the ice in regards to how her actions & behaviors have truly changed me. I hate her for what she did. I'll never know who I was really supposed to be.
I never really understood the ‘INFJ attracts narcissist’ thing until this video... seems we all have ‘that uncle’. Thank you. I would like to hear a video around the topic of procrastination due to perfectionism and needing a deep purpose behind ones work.
I super relate with this. I too have found myself, on many times, taking the bait, then berating myself for letting my mouth run, and self-divulging so indiscriminately with persons who, put simply, are unduly inquisitive toward me. I do the informing thing too, and I know I do it out of an intrinsic need to be understood by others, essentially out of an altruistic drive, wanting to clear up a misunderstanding. It sounds arrogant, somewhat, but it really is not. The first type of person you described, I see it as like a good natured assumption that others would want to engage with you on the same level. For the second kind including narcissistic, parasitic types, I have learned the hard way that some people can only relate to others via interpersonal dynamics based on dominance and submission, and trying to extend a friendly hand toward these types is an exercise in futility. They don’t see you as you are and aren’t interested.
thank you for this 😊 i am trying to recover from being an overexplainer, i've read that verse multiple times already and this is the first time that I understood it clearly. Thank you for that 😊
This concept shared here with the casting pearls analogy really goes far beyond explanations and other verbal encounters with the majority swine of the earth; once you've intuited or tested the waters and have that high level of confidence you're dealing with swine, you don't have to give them anything at all. Life is far too short to waste any pearls at all. Swine are intelligent and high risk for doing harm and other malevolence; even if they are merely clueless it's a waste. Our pearls are not nothing. Pearls should be saved for when and where they may be well placed, appreciated, and maximized.
These may seem like old cliche’s, but they always ring true, and may be relevant here: 1) There’s a time & a place for everything. 2) Know how/when to pick your battles and when to just turn the other cheek and walk away.
Oh, yes. I've learned to be selective of what discussions I have with people and with whom. If they ask questions or have some curiosity, we can go there. If I know it's a touchy subject that is close to the person and I know how they react, I won't go forward. For me, I'll try to listen to what people have to say and try to analyze it and see where they're coming from. I personally don't want to be close-minded, but if the comment is coming from subjective opinions, I might not hold it in higher regard. It really depends. I might like something but I know people aren't into it, so I won't bring it up. I just really don't have energy to argue. If we can have a discussion and a relaxed exchange, then it can work. I just gotta see initiative and genuine interest
I totally get this. I’ve been trauma over explaining and oversharing for years, and in general trying to have conversations with people that are like birds trying to talk to fish like you say.
Answer: Yes I was at a medical school in the cafeteria with other students when a professor over heard our conversation. I turn and debated her non stop. When I turned back the entire cafeteria of departments heads and students were standing around. One departments head asked me to give a lecture to his class on the topic I debated the professor on. I told him I was a first year student. He said I couldn't be a first year student at my level of know and my ability to quote research. The professor I had the debate with was angry and stormed out. She later tried to get me kick out of the program because I was despectful thinking I could debate a professor outside of the classroom. She wasn't my professor at the time. Luckily many other professors and department heads came to my defense without me asking and champaigned against her. After that experience learned to STFU and be very selective to whom I over explain. I usually ask if they want the details on the subject. Many people ask how can hold so much information in my brain and access it at will. My answer is shoulders up in the air, I can't explain that.
I think this video answer my question on why people start good conversation first and once we are inside the story they pull us down.. it’s disappointing that people love us to feel bad and unworthy. Thank you ❣️
So timely. I’m catching myself a lot at work doing this. I’ve finally woken up to it as many people don’t appreciate the explanation. And I’ve found it makes me look hesitant & flailing to some. As opposed to confident and thoughtful. My narc mom had a hand in my developing this wiring and I’m learning to change it & to truly be secure with myself.
I came across this video today because I thought I was an over-explainer. And I certainly was in the past, but your video made me aware of how much progress I have made already. Sometimes in the progress of learning we can lose a bit of clearity of what we learned already, holding on to that vision where we once started, having something to resonate with and to reflect on can help to see clearly in how much progress we made already. Your video provided that for me, thank you! Though I want to say, somewhere in the beginning you where saying that you made the mistake to engage in conversations you shouldn't. May I remind you that we dont learn to sail on smooth waters. If you did not had those conversations you would not have learned to make better choices. Or you would not have learned to reconize the difference. Give yourself some appreciation for that, you deserve that! Mistakes are only mistakes if we don't learn from them.
Thank you thank you thank you. I didn’t know why I always felt so powerless and helpless whenever someone didn’t have my same views (that in my mind, are what are morally correct) and now I can finally feel I could breathe and get rid of my anxiety and unnecessary rage. I will def use this analogy in the near future.
Thanks for bringing this topic up. It is comforting to know I am not alone out there- This is most definitely something I used to do, and especially when triggered (usually by family). I also do my best to no longer feel the need to ‘JADE’ Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain my feelings or actions. Just venting here… I have a particular issue I am struggling with that wraps into this topic. I have some chronic health issues (a result from effects of cancer treatment 15 years ago) I have a sister who just either refuses to understand, but who always seems to have much advise for me… ‘just do blah, blah, blah…’ or many other suggestions that she feels would get rid of my health problem. She is very dismissive towards my issues. I have tried to explain to her what happened inside my body and my journey to acceptance but she gets uncomfortable, eyes glaze over then she walks away. I repress the need I feel to over explain or educate her. Teaching her about what has happened to me. I know ultimately I need to just walk away and let it go. I can not make her understand or even truly care. I do struggle with in my mind coming up with ways I can educate her so she might better understand- a compulsion that I have to make sure she understands. Thanks for reading…☺️
That deepness divide video was the first of yours I seen some months ago. I've had hard lessons learned in this department, believe me. Thankfully I am now winning at this and learning to control my mouth. In fact I just passed a major test 2 weeks ago where a supposed friend did something pretty distasteful on social media. My reaction? No reaction. Plus forgiveness. Did I want to forgive? Nope. But I am also not willing to hold onto that poison either. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and do not cast your pearls before swine.
“Is the person prepared to hear this?” God bless you Mr.Clay! You truly have a gift for teaching I enjoy how you help/speak This is the nicest way I’ve ever been told I talk too much 😂🙌🏾 paying attention to who I’m speaking too, and making it a goal to INSPIRE and not INFORM If they did not ask me and I can hush up. Assuming that they care !! How dare I actually. I cannot assume everyone cares about what I care about, as though we’re all the same. Even though my intentions are pure it comes across as rude/harsh/forceful and that’s not at all how I’d like to be or come across
Yessss!!!! The pearls and pigs is something that always manifests itself when I find myself realising that I may have misplaced my pearls. Thank you for the great material you have been sharing.
Many a time I've been tempted to install it as a dp, but have not because I have been reluctant to hurt peoples' feelings, so instead I try to be aware as possible of who I share with
There are many INFJs in the world but i just relate to how you phrase words and how you process things. I also over explain things with analogies but I do it to explain my intentions if my loved one is not getting me. Today morning I found your videos and it made my day because someone is there who I can relate to at more deeper level. You are doing amazing work....👍
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. The parable of the pigs and the pearl was really good and lead me to a further thought: it is not inherent to the pearl that it has great value, it’s just that I give this pearl some value. Maybe I also can acknowledge that my thoughts are not as I important as I tend to value them and try to protect them, because, when it’s only me that values it and there is no value inherent than I don’t have to guard them. It only begins to change when I think that my “pearl” has universal value ... don’t know if it is just weird brain acrobatics or comprehensible!?
Very nicely explained - even though you didn’t necessarily have to explain yourself 😂❤ Great video man, I’ve struggled with this for a good chunk of my life, this video puts things into perspective. Cheers man
My gosh I relate to all of this once again. Feeling judged gahh. Thank you so much for sharing- it makes so much sense! I'm usually the quiet one, but but sometimes I can't hold back something I'm passionate about and realize too late that I went too deep! Over-explaining happens and I'm sinking quickly and it's awful! So many narcissist encounters have led to this! I'm learning! Thank you for highlighting this phenomenon!!!
This is a problem I think I've finally mastered. I don't explain myself unless I WANT to. It's hard applying this to my parents though because they're both narcissists and constantly want me to explain myself but I refuse to now. I'm over it lol. I've been trying to get them to understand me my whole life and I'm finally giving up on them and I feel free. Emotional abuse is hard regardless but it's even harder when the abusers are narcissists
Did I make an account called Terri Johnson and comment on this video without having any recollection of it? Because what you said is exactly how it is for me, word for word.
@@ClayArnall omg how much time do you have? My dad is the more dominant narcissist of the family and very proud of it. He literally knows! Anyways the traits include 1- apathy towards OTHER'S. Couldn't care less about if they hurt you but if you hurt them you're literally evil. Example: I didn't say hi to my dad the other day and he literally threatened to kick me out the house (I've been 18 for 4 months) 2- GASLIGHTING, GASLIGHTING, GASLIGHTING. I mean I can't even count how many times I questions my own sanity when my parents have ganged up on me telling me I need therapy and I'm a physcopath. 3 - god complex.. this one just applies to my dad outwardly. He can do no wrong basically. 4 - every outburst, tantrum, argument is everyone else's fault. To quote my dad "How I treat you and how our relationship turns out is completely based off of you.." And what he meant was if I get yelled at by him randomly I still have to apologize or I get kicked out the house. 5- passive aggressive punishments... if my mom or dad is mad at me and THEY KNOW it's illogical. Instead of yelling at me and fucking with my brain directly they'll do it indirectly by randomly making me drop everything I'm doing to clean the ENTIRE HOUSE even if me or a sibling of mine did just the night before (granted it's small but still). 6- genuine disinterest in your well being - I don't have a room. My brother doesn't either. We both sleep on mattresses on the floor. He sleeps in the living room and I sleep in my dad's "tv room". He could very well make it our bedroom but in his eyes it's his place and we're unwanted guests not his kids
INFP's and INFJ's seem to have the same kind of social problems. I think however that INFP's tend to be a little more unapologetically weird, and perhaps a little more jaded. But the 'overaccountability' trait rings very true to me, it's something I've tried to untrain myself from doing. It's not easy work, though.
I really enjoy that you are candid about wrestling with all of these thoughts in your head. They are the same as mine and other's commenters. We all struggle and think about these topics. I'm glad we are all here for each other because no one else that I know really thinks about this stuff like we all do. They just don't care...
This was a very insightful and inspiring video. Thank you very much for sharing your experience with us. I would indeed like to see much more content similar to this kind of topic
I recently discovered My tendency to over explain Bc I want to clarify - the confusion around me. > When I was a child, I thought I wanted to be a tv news reporter 👀 > The truth is - nobody wants to know what any body thinks ! They just want to hold tight to their own personal beliefs bc - they over identify w. it .. > I have worked long & hard to develop my language skills. And I’m proud to be able to express myself w. the precision of a surgeon. How ever - I do understand- Silence is golden 🌞
Another awesome video! You really catch on deep topics I rarely find open reflections on. I really appreciate it. Only last week I had this issue that I shared my current feelings/ issues with someone I intuitively knew beforehand they couldn't hold space for and had been sad and angry afterwards, when they prooved me right. It's almost always that I find myself in those situations 'testing' the people around me, but going too far just because I want to give them another chance to proove me wrong. My struggle with this actually is, that I have the inner feeling that I want to have nothing to do with people I can't be completely open with. It's black and white thinking but I can't help it somehow. Sure, if it's only my neighbour or collegue it's not a big deal, but I don't want to actively engage with people I can only talk to casually, because I know they can't hold space for my emotions or passions. My emotions and passions represent myself in such a big way that I then have the feeling I can't be really myself around those people. It's a struggle. But I think you are right in saying that it is our fault when we 'throw our pearls at the pigs'... It's just so hard to realize that some people around me can't hold space, can't cope with my emotions or simply don't want to. Because then I have to take action somehow by cutting them out of my deeper world or completely out of my life.
The "casting pearls before swine" analogy is excellent. This has happened to me all too often and I've actually thought of that analogy after the fact, when it was too late. As an INFJ, this caution is particularly important for me to heed. I've never thought of the "choking on the pearls" and then blaming us, but OMG yes. The narcissist does look for a "rise" out of people close to them - and I've been caught by that. Your eloquent explanation is exactly what I needed to hear, as it applies to so many situations and these type of people aren't going to just go away. We have to adjust in how we respond to their pathological behavior.
It’s interesting that you deal with over explaining by recognizing when not to speak. Yet I’m opposite and have been this silent being most of my life. Which may have resulted in me chronically over explaining because it’s not easy for me to think of things to talk about. (Even though I am a deep thinker.) So any chance I get to talk to someone, and not feel awkward that I’m just “silent”, the one thing I’ve been known for, I unconsciously just over explain everything. A simple yes or no question will get someone a lengthy answer as to why before they even get the yes or no. But everything you said in the beginning is me, I constantly feel so misunderstood. I hope that you have continued your growth, and being a year later, you are the best you! Thank you for sharing!
My own analogy i use to remember this and stop over explaining is, "People won't ever truly understand something unless they've been through it themselves or they have the ability to put themselves in the shoes of others. That's like asking somone what it's like to dive in the deep, when they've only ever treaded water."
What’s sad is when a child as young as 8 talks like this all the time. All because of a narc mother who is void of connection so the child is constantly trying to prove herself.
Like pearls before swine...... Pearls represent wisdom. Wisdom is precious. Especially to an INFJ. But we must also share the wisdom we gain. Especially with those we care about. As an INFJ, and a Pisces... I find it extremely frustrating when I take the time to share something with someone, in hopes that it will enlighten them to whatever it is that would benefit them, our relationship, or lives in general. Only to be treated like the bad guy, scoffed at, written off as "unintelligent," or worse... Ignored completely. It’s like that other story about the 12 children of God that represent each of the Zodiac signs, and the jobs and gifts he bestowed upon each of them. When he gets to Pisces, I tend to get all up in my feels. FO REAL! It does a wicked great job of "explaining" (pun only half intended) this whole thing, and connects these various constructs together. Which INFJs love. Because we strive to create meaningful relationships through the sharing of things we discover along the way, which are shared to help others better circumnavigate the trial’s and tribulations of this life. I just wonder if the analogy of "Pearls before Swine" creates bigger divides, by making the one who uses it sound arrogant, or "Above" the ones we're trying to enlighten. Which is a common theme I've noticed gets associated with the way INFJs are viewed and can work against us, if we’re not fully aware of our tendency to come off that way. Ooooooo something shiny! BRB!
@Clay Arnall I discovered your channel at the peak of a metamorphic stage in my life. I especially appreciate this video since you let me hear what I needed to hear. It would be great to chat sometimes. I really have to get the wheels turning with some things.
I’ve always loved that illustration from the Bible. I never applied it the way you did here, but it is so very true. Thank you for this beautiful pearl of wisdom, I appreciate it!!!
I’m an INFJ and can relate to all of this throughout my life, BUT I am very passionate about politics and find the other side to be under Mass Formation and have insane views. I actually welcome conversations on this topic because I can see zero common sense from the other side. I am passionate and want to talk to anyone about it because the world needs saving and we can’t do that if we’re divided. It’s not time to be silent. It’s time to stand up and speak your mind. Bad things happen when Good people do nothing. My pleas are more about educating people on what is true and what is propaganda. There has never been a time like this on earth where we are so close to total destruction. We’re on the eve of having a few Elites who have decided they are the new gods, devour us along with our souls. To me this makes it worth talking about. Yes I’m trying to show people the truth of what they’re doing to us and evidence is all around us. And although I sometimes throw my pearls before swine, I don’t care when it comes to world dominance by evil forces. We must take a stand and speak it out to everyone who can hear. I actually have influenced and shown the light on certain issues and caused some people from the opposing party to rethink things. So it is well worth it even if there are also swine who I I speak to. If I can change the mind of just one human being, I feel I’ve helped the world in my own small way. If we all did this, perhaps we’d still have a chance. Politics are not just politics as usual. They are consuming everything in our lives. So in this, things are at a major crossroads that we cannot ignore and believe they will just continue as usual. There’s nothing usual about this critical time. I’m not even certain that I believe in the whole God /Bible thing at this point but I definitely believe that this fight is between Good and Evil. I see no other logical explanation. Besides this particular topic of enormous consequence, I relate to your assessment here. I struggled with this my whole life but while I used to be more silent about my thoughts, I feel I’ve made progress by doing the opposite. I’m speaking out more and sort of blurring out certain thoughts and beliefs even when I know it may raise some eyebrows and receive criticism. I’m ready for what May come at me. It still feels good to share my truth and not just stand there silently. But Clay, I find your videos to be extremely enlightening and intelligently articulate. You have an uncanny ability to simplify the complex things INFJs deal with and I thank you. You do an excellent job. I’ve been watching you for a couple of years now and think you’re the best podcaster on the INFJ. And I’ve listened to many. Congrats on your success.
yes. 100000% I used to be that to the extreme now it's just not bad, but because I'm mostly alone all day every day, and when with people- the right people tell me they get me and they engage in the conversation ... and the wrong people it's just obvious they don't understand and can't relate to what I'm about.
Wow... so much the same as me. I've had to do much the same... and even cut back what I want to say. I have to keep it very light and simple... one person is my dad. I have found the easiest way is to make a joke about myself in a way that relates to what I want to say... right at the start. It seems to set a good tone for the rest of what I have to say, people are more receptive and less threatened.
brilliant. God's been developing this in me, also... one big thing that has tripped me up in toxic relationships is thinking "well, if I can just get them to understand, it'll be okay" so I spent hours and hours and hours pouring my heart out (often while sobbing because I allowed it to get to me so deeply), just to realize they still don't get it and probably will NEVER get it and don't even care... so the swine analogy is a great one to keep in mind... and I, too, am learning to be a lot more selective who I talk to... thanks.
The part about people running off of your negative energy and getting pissed off when you don't give in and defend yourself really hit me. This has been happening to me with two coworkers. I've noticed that since I've started not reacting in a defensive way to their pasive agressive comments it really drives them insane.
it gets even better when you are genuinely happy around them and they are trying gaslight or trigger your emotions.. they will outright have a meltdown right there. >_< The best way to guard against them is to bolster your self identity and not give a damn about what they think. It's tricky for an INFJ but definitely possible.
@@BindingTheYoke that's so true! It takes practice and patience, but I've definitely been seeing improvements since I decided to approach these kind of situations with this mindset
@@MissWhoopsiDaisyYep! I still slip up and fall for the Narcs and fools every now and then, but once you learn that lesson there's no going back. :) right!?
I needed to be reminded of this verse. Just threw my peals to the pigs on fb and they mocked them due to their own troubled mind. My personality represents everything that they are not and it threatened them so much that they felt the need to get ugly. So sad. This video had some gems in them. Thank you. The strange thing is i felt it before i even answered them. Their dark energy was even felt through the device and i should not have ignored my intuition. However after it happened i decided to use the sword of the spirit of truth and call it out for what it was. Raw truth about their motives. Not pretty, but nessecary. Yes, they do it on purpose. They hate the light in others.
"Become more selective Avoid being defensive Be wary of interrogation ... stop, and don't get caught up in trying to correct them Don't say anything if their stance is their identity (their mind is made up) Be aware of informing vs answering and limit jumping in to inform. Rather, say one or two small things and see if they respond. If not, stop Don't assume they're interested Don't JADE (justifying, arguing, defending and explaining
This is an important lesson not to throw the pearls to the pigs. I had to learn it too. Meanwhile I am very selective with people. As you say Clay you've got to learn what to say to whom on which occasion. Life is a never ending school. Greetings from Germany*)
I always warn people that I have a serious problem with making disclaimers 😆 It's that introverted thinking rabbit hole of justification. One of my biggest frustrations is that I often figure out what I think by expressing it out loud but so many people respond to expression as though it's a final declaration 🙄 For me personally, the key to harnessing the power of my intuition is knowing when not to act. It's the silence in-between that accentuates the beat and gives it power. I totally agree about making an effort not to be defensive 🎯 that is crucial for IXFJ types. I also can't deny that I get some pleasure out of the way some people can't handle my stoic nature 😏 not reacting truly is the greatest position of power. I'm curious if you've touched on the INFJ doorslam. I've only just discovered you so I don't quite have a handle on your work as a whole. I've experienced a severely life altering one and I think that many INFJs don't really know what it truly means (and I hope they never do). I'm always curious about people's perspective on and experience with this issue. Great video 😊😊
you experienced one from somebody else door slamming you, or you did the door slamming? But yes I know what you mean about talking around an issue. I will often play devils advocate a bit and look at an issue from a different side, but while I'm doing that, people can get confused and think I'm against them.
@@ClayArnall Well, I was forced into door slamming someone. That's part of the rub of it... a real one isn't a choice at all. The only way I can describe it is as an absolute last resort when you finally realize that someone's limitations will only result in toxicity for everyone involved. Unfortunately, I had to do it to my mother 8 years ago and the sad part is that I feel little resentment because there were never overtly bad intentions involved. The strange part is how it feels afterwards... or doesn't.
I came to realise this very thing about my self a little while back and me being the type of person i am i reflected on this untill i it made sense to me that the strong feeling i always felt to explain myself derived from the strong feeling I felt my whole life that no one really understood me and on top of that being the deep intelligent thinker that i am only made it that much harder to stay along the lines of short and sweet...
Unfortunately i learn things the hard way. Appreciate your awesome work in this video and others to clearly state your observations and reflections that help many infjs who come across your videos. I appreciate your effort and i subscribed, commented and liked your video.
Video Idea: What to do when your parent(s) is a narcissist. -Explain what to do when they don't care about your opinion, and they also think that you sharing your opinion is disrespectful. -Etc.
thanks for the idea. I want to do some videos on narcissism actually. It's a daunting topic because it's so complicated, but I've been researching it extensively lately, so it's on the list.
Felicia W Hey friend. My mom is a narc too. Check out the book “Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers”. I heard about it in a great TH-cam video from Meredith of Inner Integration. Check it out. It helped me a lot. th-cam.com/video/5oGdY9MqISw/w-d-xo.html Looking forward to @Clay Arnall’s future content on this too. 🙂
I think we project our own deepness and intellect onto others -- we think other people think like us because, well, it's so natural for us. Selectivity of conversation is very important. I think we need to practice this and have levels of conversation that we're used to.
"Never explain yourself, your friends won't need it and your enemies won't believe it"
-Hazrat Ali karam Allahu Wajhu
Amen.
Love this one
“Tis better to remain Silent, and Appear a Fool, than to Open your mouth, and Remove All Doubt”.
Agreed 👍
I am just unapologetically myself and what happens, happens. If I'm hyper verbal and that gets used against me... Then thats what happens. If it earns me some spotlight... Then that's what happens. The more I try to censor myself socially... I realize I don't regret it until after. So why endure anxieties over things that have already happened? Just be yourself, everything else will fall in place.
This is exactly why i am "the quiet one" in my family
You deserve way more subs and views man
thanks for the encouragement.
Great analogy! Also:
Do not speak to a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words (Proverbs 23:9)
Don’t answer a fool according to his foolishness or you will become a fool yourself (Proverbs 26:4)
Pamela Couvrette , that is great! love it!
Amen!!
Perfect for this I’m writing this one down. Thank you for sharing
I have got to understand that not everyone is like me or as passionate about the things I am, even though I find it in my heart to care for others interest.
I Can’t go back and forth with no one
@@sarahkay830 Yes, it’s heartbreaking. God bless you in this journey
I used to throw pearls...now I'm older and wiser and I'm making myself a necklace instead 🙂
ha nice.
Haha 😏
Reminds me of a ZZ TOP song lol
Love that
I am an INFJ. Each and every sentence you say resonates with me 100%..If you become selective in choosing people, there's hardly anyone left. Nearly about a year now, I have been almost all of my time alone after applying all the principles you shared. I am just staying away from narcissists. It's peace but also very...quiet. Keeping myself a strong, whole person! Waiting for key audience in my life :)
It is sad that as INFJs we feel it’s “best” to not inform, to share our thoughts or opinions, because we know it won’t be valued. And when we do risk that with someone close to us, it hurts when we are proven right and they invalidate our perspectives and feelings. But not sharing feels like the relationship frays further, because there was an opportunity to be on the same page or to connect but it was left as a divide.
"Going on the defensive" and "Having deep conversations with inappropriate people". I act like this all the time!
I really needed this video. Thanks!
""Cos i like it" "cos i want to " cos i can" is my go-to response when anyone tries to get me to explain my decisions.
One of my favorite ways to help the "pig" who has an opinion wrapped up in identity is to ask questions in a Socratic way. This helps avoid the defensive stance. I typically ask two questions: 1.) What do you mean by that? (Let them elaborate) & a follow up 2.) How did you come to that conclusion or what reasons led you to believe that? I got this from a Christian apologist actually and it is really effective for a persons own self examination. You wouldn't believe how many people get stumped by #2. They have no reasons just rhetoric. If they realize they may have some ignorance present there is then an opportunity for you to then speak and offer a different perspective. Other times the person doubles down and in that case you move on. I really hope someone uses this!
Really good. I wish I saw this a couple of days ago.
I did. Thank you.
I have listened to many INFJ, speakers. You sound like my own head, out loud!... Phew,.... Thanks. I am older than you. The older I get, combined with this mirror world,... the circle of those I speak with, openly... has shrank to so few, it causes me concern. I appreciate your exploration. I needed this.
I just found you last week and I thank God I did! I have known about INFJ for years, but not to the extent that you have taught. I’m 74 and you have helped clarify so many situations during my life. I hope to have several more years and know they will be better thanks to your sharing. Sincerely.
I've learned to be very selective with my wisdom and truth. I have learned to pick my battles and save my Pearls for people ready to be open minded, even if they don't agree.
First 40 seconds of this video described my entire life, feeling judged and misunderstood, like I needed to explain every action I took caused lots of problems when I was a child. But the rest of the video didn't really end up going where I thought it would.
For a very long time i did not know what a narcissist was. I had a person in my life (mother of my grandchildren)that did just as you mentioned and eventually I came to understand why she did what she did even when I was attempting to help her, it was interesting how she no longer wants close contact once I realised what was going on. For quite some time I wanted to explain how her actions were affecting the girls and then I realised there was no way she would care. I have backed off and feel so much relief. She no longer attempts to lie about our son. I learned so much. Thanks for your video. I have over explained this to you. I am working on slowing that down to people in general.
NO LONG MORAL JUSTIFICATION SARAH
just a reminder for myself here
I can’t over do it for anyone anymore because I am already justified and saved from wrath by the blood of the lamb. I do not have to over explain myself to anyone, especially not folks I don’t know. I am not obligated to impress or jump through hoops for nobody !
I am okay. All is well with me. Whoever dislikes me because of the things I like, that is their problem and I cannot fix it for them. Thanks Mr.clay got so much insight today.
Amen Clay!! I think there’s a deeper link here... between what you’re describing... and possibly why so many INFJ’s claim to be quiet/shy. I’m both quiet/shy... and prefer not to talk to people until I can no longer stand the sheer absurdities people spew out of their mouths... then I usually try to change the subject. If that doesn’t work it’s time to walk away and get some air... Sometimes “Silence is Golden”
yeah, that's a good observation actually - it's the slow build. The few times I've got myself into trouble was because it was building more and more inside me until one day I could barely contain myself anymore and had to say something.
Please do not stop making videos. Your videos are so amazing and we love it. INFJs are RARE and probably that is why you don't have as many subscribers as you deserve because I think only INFJs and other deep thinkers like yourself will become interested in such topics. But, we appreciate your videos! Thank you
thanks :)
Funny my sociopath of a relative asked me where I was going and what I was doing among other things constantly, and after I wised up to her motivations and defect of character (god bless maturity), when she asked again this one time I responded "It's funny you think I owe you an explanation for anything I do" ..the look on her face was priceless. It was very unexpected because I would usually pander to her emotions. Leveling up my skill set. lol
Nice one.
I also believe there IS a "deepness divide" - and it's good to recognize that, as well, while you're relying on your intuition and discernment in knowing when, where, how and with whom it's a good idea to share anything you truly care about.
I totally agree ~ keep those pearls for those who want/need them 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
"You can be some things to some people...but not all things to all people".
How interesting!
I watched that clip of you last week about the deepness divide video.
I realized this week that people aren't interested in pearls. Especially today, they just bluntly said it's not possible so why are we talking about it? I was so disappointed with the answer. I just avoided the next thing I wanted to bring up, keeping that pearl for myself.
Thank you for your video, I appreciate it! 😋
Omg I never understood and have been completely disappointed with that same response.....
I appreciate you man.. I'm dealing with this and I'm trying to not be embarrassed about
I'm so guilty on this one 😔. Thank you for giving me insight. Again you're a star thank you for the difference you make
More of this series, please.
A few years ago while dating someone, I started searching why he did certain things, why I felt the way I did to find out he was a narcissist. While reading, it dawned on me that my mother's behaviors matched as well. I always knew she was mean, but thought all moms are like that once in a while. Ever since, I've realized some "strange" behaviors I have that are directly correlated to her. Thanks mom!
Just recently it dawned on me why I over explain. One example, that people may think is weird, is when someone compliments me on something I'm wearing. I always say thank you and, may God strike me now, I always go into detail on when and where I bought it. Nobody asks me for that information, but I just spew it out like the trained monkey I am. Reason being - she would ask me so many questions. If I showed her a pair of shoes I just got, she'd ask "how much were they?", "Do you really need more shoes?", "Where did you get them?". Another example is when she once called me at 6:30 in the morning to ask me where I was. Confused, I said, upstairs. "Oh, I thought your car wasn't here. I didn't see it behind mine" she giggled. I was an adult. I can go out freely & come home whenever I want. If she is in my life, I'd be explaining & defending myself till she dies. Went no contact 2 years ago. I'm discovering how many INFJ's came from an abusive household & see how the pieces fit.
Just breaking the ice in regards to how her actions & behaviors have truly changed me. I hate her for what she did. I'll never know who I was really supposed to be.
I never really understood the ‘INFJ attracts narcissist’ thing until this video... seems we all have ‘that uncle’. Thank you.
I would like to hear a video around the topic of procrastination due to perfectionism and needing a deep purpose behind ones work.
good idea, I'll add it to my list of topics :)
I super relate with this. I too have found myself, on many times, taking the bait, then berating myself for letting my mouth run, and self-divulging so indiscriminately with persons who, put simply, are unduly inquisitive toward me. I do the informing thing too, and I know I do it out of an intrinsic need to be understood by others, essentially out of an altruistic drive, wanting to clear up a misunderstanding. It sounds arrogant, somewhat, but it really is not. The first type of person you described, I see it as like a good natured assumption that others would want to engage with you on the same level. For the second kind including narcissistic, parasitic types, I have learned the hard way that some people can only relate to others via interpersonal dynamics based on dominance and submission, and trying to extend a friendly hand toward these types is an exercise in futility. They don’t see you as you are and aren’t interested.
How dare you reveal my inner most thoughts and feelings? 😭 thanks for putting it in words..
no problem, thanks for watching!
thank you for this 😊 i am trying to recover from being an overexplainer, i've read that verse multiple times already and this is the first time that I understood it clearly. Thank you for that 😊
This concept shared here with the casting pearls analogy really goes far beyond explanations and other verbal encounters with the majority swine of the earth; once you've intuited or tested the waters and have that high level of confidence you're dealing with swine, you don't have to give them anything at all. Life is far too short to waste any pearls at all. Swine are intelligent and high risk for doing harm and other malevolence; even if they are merely clueless it's a waste. Our pearls are not nothing. Pearls should be saved for when and where they may be well placed, appreciated, and maximized.
Yes good point, thanks for pointing out that the swine can be very smart :)
"Hey thats like, your opinion man" -the dude
These may seem like old cliche’s, but they always ring true, and may be relevant here: 1) There’s a time & a place for everything. 2) Know how/when to pick your battles and when to just turn the other cheek and walk away.
Oh, yes. I've learned to be selective of what discussions I have with people and with whom. If they ask questions or have some curiosity, we can go there. If I know it's a touchy subject that is close to the person and I know how they react, I won't go forward. For me, I'll try to listen to what people have to say and try to analyze it and see where they're coming from. I personally don't want to be close-minded, but if the comment is coming from subjective opinions, I might not hold it in higher regard. It really depends. I might like something but I know people aren't into it, so I won't bring it up. I just really don't have energy to argue. If we can have a discussion and a relaxed exchange, then it can work. I just gotta see initiative and genuine interest
Omg this is so me, so I often skip topics that I can actually discuss but chose not to...
I totally get this. I’ve been trauma over explaining and oversharing for years, and in general trying to have conversations with people that are like birds trying to talk to fish like you say.
Answer: Yes
I was at a medical school in the cafeteria with other students when a professor over heard our conversation. I turn and debated her non stop. When I turned back the entire cafeteria of departments heads and students were standing around. One departments head asked me to give a lecture to his class on the topic I debated the professor on. I told him I was a first year student. He said I couldn't be a first year student at my level of know and my ability to quote research. The professor I had the debate with was angry and stormed out. She later tried to get me kick out of the program because I was despectful thinking I could debate a professor outside of the classroom. She wasn't my professor at the time. Luckily many other professors and department heads came to my defense without me asking and champaigned against her.
After that experience learned to STFU and be very selective to whom I over explain. I usually ask if they want the details on the subject. Many people ask how can hold so much information in my brain and access it at will. My answer is shoulders up in the air, I can't explain that.
I think this video answer my question on why people start good conversation first and once we are inside the story they pull us down.. it’s disappointing that people love us to feel bad and unworthy.
Thank you ❣️
So timely. I’m catching myself a lot at work doing this. I’ve finally woken up to it as many people don’t appreciate the explanation. And I’ve found it makes me look hesitant & flailing to some. As opposed to confident and thoughtful. My narc mom had a hand in my developing this wiring and I’m learning to change it & to truly be secure with myself.
-Thanks for the book suggestion! -I'll be sure to look into it :)
Felicia W No prob. 🙂
@@fluffyclouds555 x)
OMG I have been feeling guilty for having that "pearls to swine" thought going through by head regarding a relationship that is going downhill.
I'm an over explainer and your video really hit home. Thanks. I needed it ✌️❤️😄
Thank you Clay...You explain and confirm and affirm my own conclusions..I so appreciate your commentaries.
I came across this video today because I thought I was an over-explainer. And I certainly was in the past, but your video made me aware of how much progress I have made already. Sometimes in the progress of learning we can lose a bit of clearity of what we learned already, holding on to that vision where we once started, having something to resonate with and to reflect on can help to see clearly in how much progress we made already. Your video provided that for me, thank you!
Though I want to say, somewhere in the beginning you where saying that you made the mistake to engage in conversations you shouldn't. May I remind you that we dont learn to sail on smooth waters. If you did not had those conversations you would not have learned to make better choices. Or you would not have learned to reconize the difference. Give yourself some appreciation for that, you deserve that! Mistakes are only mistakes if we don't learn from them.
Thank you thank you thank you. I didn’t know why I always felt so powerless and helpless whenever someone didn’t have my same views (that in my mind, are what are morally correct) and now I can finally feel I could breathe and get rid of my anxiety and unnecessary rage. I will def use this analogy in the near future.
Your honestly one of the best info you tuber that explains infjs well. I have learned so much ! Much appreciation from another fellow infj!!!!
I'm always explaining or trying to explain myself. I always feel like I need to and it drives me crazy!
Thank you! I needed this!🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️
Wisdom!!. I just subscribed. I have watched several of your videos today I have finally found someone who understands me to a T
Thanks for bringing this topic up. It is comforting to know I am not alone out there-
This is most definitely something I used to do, and especially when triggered (usually by family). I also do my best to no longer feel the need to ‘JADE’ Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain my feelings or actions.
Just venting here…
I have a particular issue I am struggling with that wraps into this topic. I have some chronic health issues (a result from effects of cancer treatment 15 years ago) I have a sister who just either refuses to understand, but who always seems to have much advise for me… ‘just do blah, blah, blah…’ or many other suggestions that she feels would get rid of my health problem. She is very dismissive towards my issues. I have tried to explain to her what happened inside my body and my journey to acceptance but she gets uncomfortable, eyes glaze over then she walks away. I repress the need I feel to over explain or educate her. Teaching her about what has happened to me.
I know ultimately I need to just walk away and let it go. I can not make her understand or even truly care. I do struggle with in my mind coming up with ways I can educate her so she might better understand- a compulsion that I have to make sure she understands.
Thanks for reading…☺️
That deepness divide video was the first of yours I seen some months ago.
I've had hard lessons learned in this department, believe me. Thankfully I am now winning at this and learning to control my mouth. In fact I just passed a major test 2 weeks ago where a supposed friend did something pretty distasteful on social media. My reaction? No reaction. Plus forgiveness. Did I want to forgive? Nope. But I am also not willing to hold onto that poison either.
Be quick to listen, slow to speak and do not cast your pearls before swine.
good words thanks :)
you are making so much sense. thank you so much. i really resonate with the pearl and the pig anology.
So well said! Best video I've seen on this. Thank you Clay!
“Is the person prepared to hear this?”
God bless you Mr.Clay! You truly have a gift for teaching I enjoy how you help/speak
This is the nicest way I’ve ever been told I talk too much 😂🙌🏾 paying attention to who I’m speaking too, and making it a goal to INSPIRE and not INFORM
If they did not ask me and I can hush up. Assuming that they care !! How dare I actually.
I cannot assume everyone cares about what I care about, as though we’re all the same. Even though my intentions are pure it comes across as rude/harsh/forceful and that’s not at all how I’d like to be or come across
Yessss!!!! The pearls and pigs is something that always manifests itself when I find myself realising that I may have misplaced my pearls. Thank you for the great material you have been sharing.
Many a time I've been tempted to install it as a dp, but have not because I have been reluctant to hurt peoples' feelings, so instead I try to be aware as possible of who I share with
There are many INFJs in the world but i just relate to how you phrase words and how you process things. I also over explain things with analogies but I do it to explain my intentions if my loved one is not getting me. Today morning I found your videos and it made my day because someone is there who I can relate to at more deeper level. You are doing amazing work....👍
thanks for the encouragement, glad you get something out of the videos :)
As a Christian your analogy was really good. Helped me a lot! It actually helped me understand the scripture better too. Thanks 😁👍
Thank you so much for this video. Just observed this over the weekend where I felt kind of beat up especially in the political realm.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. The parable of the pigs and the pearl was really good and lead me to a further thought: it is not inherent to the pearl that it has great value, it’s just that I give this pearl some value. Maybe I also can acknowledge that my thoughts are not as I important as I tend to value them and try to protect them, because, when it’s only me that values it and there is no value inherent than I don’t have to guard them. It only begins to change when I think that my “pearl” has universal value ... don’t know if it is just weird brain acrobatics or comprehensible!?
Very nicely explained - even though you didn’t necessarily have to explain yourself 😂❤
Great video man, I’ve struggled with this for a good chunk of my life, this video puts things into perspective. Cheers man
My gosh I relate to all of this once again. Feeling judged gahh. Thank you so much for sharing- it makes so much sense! I'm usually the quiet one, but but sometimes I can't hold back something I'm passionate about and realize too late that I went too deep! Over-explaining happens and I'm sinking quickly and it's awful! So many narcissist encounters have led to this! I'm learning! Thank you for highlighting this phenomenon!!!
This is a problem I think I've finally mastered. I don't explain myself unless I WANT to. It's hard applying this to my parents though because they're both narcissists and constantly want me to explain myself but I refuse to now. I'm over it lol. I've been trying to get them to understand me my whole life and I'm finally giving up on them and I feel free. Emotional abuse is hard regardless but it's even harder when the abusers are narcissists
Did I make an account called Terri Johnson and comment on this video without having any recollection of it? Because what you said is exactly how it is for me, word for word.
glad to hear you're doing well with it. Just curious: which qualities of your parents make you believe they're both narcissists?
@@kcoolkittie you sure fucking did ;)
@@ClayArnall omg how much time do you have? My dad is the more dominant narcissist of the family and very proud of it. He literally knows! Anyways the traits include 1- apathy towards OTHER'S. Couldn't care less about if they hurt you but if you hurt them you're literally evil. Example: I didn't say hi to my dad the other day and he literally threatened to kick me out the house (I've been 18 for 4 months)
2- GASLIGHTING, GASLIGHTING, GASLIGHTING. I mean I can't even count how many times I questions my own sanity when my parents have ganged up on me telling me I need therapy and I'm a physcopath.
3 - god complex.. this one just applies to my dad outwardly. He can do no wrong basically.
4 - every outburst, tantrum, argument is everyone else's fault. To quote my dad "How I treat you and how our relationship turns out is completely based off of you.." And what he meant was if I get yelled at by him randomly I still have to apologize or I get kicked out the house.
5- passive aggressive punishments... if my mom or dad is mad at me and THEY KNOW it's illogical. Instead of yelling at me and fucking with my brain directly they'll do it indirectly by randomly making me drop everything I'm doing to clean the ENTIRE HOUSE even if me or a sibling of mine did just the night before (granted it's small but still).
6- genuine disinterest in your well being - I don't have a room. My brother doesn't either. We both sleep on mattresses on the floor. He sleeps in the living room and I sleep in my dad's "tv room". He could very well make it our bedroom but in his eyes it's his place and we're unwanted guests not his kids
@@ClayArnall and honestly so much more but I have to get to class rn lol.
Your videos really resonate with me. Even more insightful than any therapy!
Don't be afraid of conflict,It's truths purest form.
I have experienced this so much and I love that Seth Godin quote.
A narcissist gets a twisted thrill out of working someone up. Don’t “feed” them.
INFP's and INFJ's seem to have the same kind of social problems. I think however that INFP's tend to be a little more unapologetically weird, and perhaps a little more jaded. But the 'overaccountability' trait rings very true to me, it's something I've tried to untrain myself from doing. It's not easy work, though.
✝️🌹☕🙏 God Bless you brother. Very informative. INFJ here too.
I really enjoy that you are candid about wrestling with all of these thoughts in your head. They are the same as mine and other's commenters. We all struggle and think about these topics. I'm glad we are all here for each other because no one else that I know really thinks about this stuff like we all do. They just don't care...
This was a very insightful and inspiring video. Thank you very much for sharing your experience with us. I would indeed like to see much more content similar to this kind of topic
thanks for the feedback :)
Helpful!!!! Thanks! Love the pigs pearls analogy. ❤😊
I recently discovered
My tendency to over explain
Bc I want to clarify - the confusion around me.
> When I was a child, I thought I wanted to be a tv news reporter 👀
> The truth is - nobody wants to know what any body thinks !
They just want to hold tight to their own personal beliefs bc - they over identify w. it ..
> I have worked long & hard to develop my language skills. And I’m proud to be able to express myself w. the precision of a surgeon.
How ever - I do understand-
Silence is golden 🌞
Another awesome video! You really catch on deep topics I rarely find open reflections on. I really appreciate it.
Only last week I had this issue that I shared my current feelings/ issues with someone I intuitively knew beforehand they couldn't hold space for and had been sad and angry afterwards, when they prooved me right. It's almost always that I find myself in those situations 'testing' the people around me, but going too far just because I want to give them another chance to proove me wrong. My struggle with this actually is, that I have the inner feeling that I want to have nothing to do with people I can't be completely open with. It's black and white thinking but I can't help it somehow. Sure, if it's only my neighbour or collegue it's not a big deal, but I don't want to actively engage with people I can only talk to casually, because I know they can't hold space for my emotions or passions. My emotions and passions represent myself in such a big way that I then have the feeling I can't be really myself around those people. It's a struggle. But I think you are right in saying that it is our fault when we 'throw our pearls at the pigs'... It's just so hard to realize that some people around me can't hold space, can't cope with my emotions or simply don't want to. Because then I have to take action somehow by cutting them out of my deeper world or completely out of my life.
Yes I know what you mean :)
Great points!
Thank you!
🙏🌞🙏
The "casting pearls before swine" analogy is excellent. This has happened to me all too often and I've actually thought of that analogy after the fact, when it was too late. As an INFJ, this caution is particularly important for me to heed. I've never thought of the "choking on the pearls" and then blaming us, but OMG yes. The narcissist does look for a "rise" out of people close to them - and I've been caught by that. Your eloquent explanation is exactly what I needed to hear, as it applies to so many situations and these type of people aren't going to just go away. We have to adjust in how we respond to their pathological behavior.
It’s interesting that you deal with over explaining by recognizing when not to speak. Yet I’m opposite and have been this silent being most of my life. Which may have resulted in me chronically over explaining because it’s not easy for me to think of things to talk about. (Even though I am a deep thinker.) So any chance I get to talk to someone, and not feel awkward that I’m just “silent”, the one thing I’ve been known for, I unconsciously just over explain everything. A simple yes or no question will get someone a lengthy answer as to why before they even get the yes or no. But everything you said in the beginning is me, I constantly feel so misunderstood. I hope that you have continued your growth, and being a year later, you are the best you! Thank you for sharing!
My own analogy i use to remember this and stop over explaining is, "People won't ever truly understand something unless they've been through it themselves or they have the ability to put themselves in the shoes of others.
That's like asking somone what it's like to dive in the deep, when they've only ever treaded water."
"Let people be wrong about you. You don't need to defend yourself." Elliot Hulse
What’s sad is when a child as young as 8 talks like this all the time. All because of a narc mother who is void of connection so the child is constantly trying to prove herself.
Like pearls before swine......
Pearls represent wisdom. Wisdom is precious. Especially to an INFJ.
But we must also share the wisdom we gain. Especially with those we care about.
As an INFJ, and a Pisces... I find it extremely frustrating when I take the time to share something with someone, in hopes that it will enlighten them to whatever it is that would benefit them, our relationship, or lives in general. Only to be treated like the bad guy, scoffed at, written off as "unintelligent," or worse... Ignored completely.
It’s like that other story about the 12 children of God that represent each of the Zodiac signs, and the jobs and gifts he bestowed upon each of them. When he gets to Pisces, I tend to get all up in my feels. FO REAL!
It does a wicked great job of "explaining" (pun only half intended) this whole thing, and connects these various constructs together. Which INFJs love. Because we strive to create meaningful relationships through the sharing of things we discover along the way, which are shared to help others better circumnavigate the trial’s and tribulations of this life.
I just wonder if the analogy of "Pearls before Swine" creates bigger divides, by making the one who uses it sound arrogant, or "Above" the ones we're trying to enlighten. Which is a common theme I've noticed gets associated with the way INFJs are viewed and can work against us, if we’re not fully aware of our tendency to come off that way.
Ooooooo something shiny! BRB!
@Clay Arnall I discovered your channel at the peak of a metamorphic stage in my life. I especially appreciate this video since you let me hear what I needed to hear. It would be great to chat sometimes. I really have to get the wheels turning with some things.
I need one of these videos that is 2 minutes long. So far this is the shortest one I've found so i might come back later and watch it.
I’ve always loved that illustration from the Bible. I never applied it the way you did here, but it is so very true. Thank you for this beautiful pearl of wisdom, I appreciate it!!!
I’m an INFJ and can relate to all of this throughout my life, BUT I am very passionate about politics and find the other side to be under Mass Formation and have insane views. I actually welcome conversations on this topic because I can see zero common sense from the other side. I am passionate and want to talk to anyone about it because the world needs saving and we can’t do that if we’re divided. It’s not time to be silent. It’s time to stand up and speak your mind. Bad things happen when Good people do nothing. My pleas are more about educating people on what is true and what is propaganda. There has never been a time like this on earth where we are so close to total destruction. We’re on the eve of having a few Elites who have decided they are the new gods, devour us along with our souls. To me this makes it worth talking about. Yes I’m trying to show people the truth of what they’re doing to us and evidence is all around us. And although I sometimes throw my pearls before swine, I don’t care when it comes to world dominance by evil forces. We must take a stand and speak it out to everyone who can hear. I actually have influenced and shown the light on certain issues and caused some people from the opposing party to rethink things. So it is well worth it even if there are also swine who I I speak to. If I can change the mind of just one human being, I feel I’ve helped the world in my own small way. If we all did this, perhaps we’d still have a chance. Politics are not just politics as usual. They are consuming everything in our lives. So in this, things are at a major crossroads that we cannot ignore and believe they will just continue as usual. There’s nothing usual about this critical time. I’m not even certain that I believe in the whole God /Bible thing at this point but I definitely believe that this fight is between Good and Evil. I see no other logical explanation. Besides this particular topic of enormous consequence, I relate to your assessment here. I struggled with this my whole life but while I used to be more silent about my thoughts, I feel I’ve made progress by doing the opposite. I’m speaking out more and sort of blurring out certain thoughts and beliefs even when I know it may raise some eyebrows and receive criticism. I’m ready for what May come at me. It still feels good to share my truth and not just stand there silently. But Clay, I find your videos to be extremely enlightening and intelligently articulate. You have an uncanny ability to simplify the complex things INFJs deal with and I thank you. You do an excellent job. I’ve been watching you for a couple of years now and think you’re the best podcaster on the INFJ. And I’ve listened to many. Congrats on your success.
yes. 100000% I used to be that to the extreme now it's just not bad, but because I'm mostly alone all day every day, and when with people- the right people tell me they get me and they engage in the conversation ... and the wrong people it's just obvious they don't understand and can't relate to what I'm about.
Yeeeeesss! I agree. I've come to the EXACT same conclusion. Don't bother with certain folks.
Wow... so much the same as me. I've had to do much the same... and even cut back what I want to say. I have to keep it very light and simple... one person is my dad. I have found the easiest way is to make a joke about myself in a way that relates to what I want to say... right at the start. It seems to set a good tone for the rest of what I have to say, people are more receptive and less threatened.
This used to be me many years ago. No more! This video is dope.
Thanks for making this video! It was just what I needed to hear today!
no prob, thanks for the comment
brilliant. God's been developing this in me, also... one big thing that has tripped me up in toxic relationships is thinking "well, if I can just get them to understand, it'll be okay" so I spent hours and hours and hours pouring my heart out (often while sobbing because I allowed it to get to me so deeply), just to realize they still don't get it and probably will NEVER get it and don't even care... so the swine analogy is a great one to keep in mind... and I, too, am learning to be a lot more selective who I talk to... thanks.
The part about people running off of your negative energy and getting pissed off when you don't give in and defend yourself really hit me.
This has been happening to me with two coworkers. I've noticed that since I've started not reacting in a defensive way to their pasive agressive comments it really drives them insane.
it gets even better when you are genuinely happy around them and they are trying gaslight or trigger your emotions.. they will outright have a meltdown right there. >_< The best way to guard against them is to bolster your self identity and not give a damn about what they think. It's tricky for an INFJ but definitely possible.
@@BindingTheYoke that's so true! It takes practice and patience, but I've definitely been seeing improvements since I decided to approach these kind of situations with this mindset
@@MissWhoopsiDaisyYep! I still slip up and fall for the Narcs and fools every now and then, but once you learn that lesson there's no going back. :) right!?
@@BindingTheYoke I agree completely :)
Love this! Thank you for sharing this❤️
I needed to be reminded of this verse. Just threw my peals to the pigs on fb and they mocked them due to their own troubled mind. My personality represents everything that they are not and it threatened them so much that they felt the need to get ugly. So sad. This video had some gems in them. Thank you.
The strange thing is i felt it before i even answered them. Their dark energy was even felt through the device and i should not have ignored my intuition. However after it happened i decided to use the sword of the spirit of truth and call it out for what it was. Raw truth about their motives. Not pretty, but nessecary.
Yes, they do it on purpose. They hate the light in others.
"Become more selective
Avoid being defensive
Be wary of interrogation ... stop, and don't get caught up in trying to correct them
Don't say anything if their stance is their identity (their mind is made up)
Be aware of informing vs answering and limit jumping in to inform.
Rather, say one or two small things and see if they respond. If not, stop
Don't assume they're interested
Don't JADE (justifying, arguing, defending and explaining
This is an important lesson not to throw the pearls to the pigs. I had to learn it too. Meanwhile I am very selective with people. As you say Clay you've got to learn what to say to whom on which occasion. Life is a never ending school. Greetings from Germany*)
I always warn people that I have a serious problem with making disclaimers 😆 It's that introverted thinking rabbit hole of justification. One of my biggest frustrations is that I often figure out what I think by expressing it out loud but so many people respond to expression as though it's a final declaration 🙄
For me personally, the key to harnessing the power of my intuition is knowing when not to act. It's the silence in-between that accentuates the beat and gives it power.
I totally agree about making an effort not to be defensive 🎯 that is crucial for IXFJ types. I also can't deny that I get some pleasure out of the way some people can't handle my stoic nature 😏 not reacting truly is the greatest position of power.
I'm curious if you've touched on the INFJ doorslam. I've only just discovered you so I don't quite have a handle on your work as a whole. I've experienced a severely life altering one and I think that many INFJs don't really know what it truly means (and I hope they never do). I'm always curious about people's perspective on and experience with this issue.
Great video 😊😊
you experienced one from somebody else door slamming you, or you did the door slamming? But yes I know what you mean about talking around an issue. I will often play devils advocate a bit and look at an issue from a different side, but while I'm doing that, people can get confused and think I'm against them.
@@ClayArnall Well, I was forced into door slamming someone. That's part of the rub of it... a real one isn't a choice at all. The only way I can describe it is as an absolute last resort when you finally realize that someone's limitations will only result in toxicity for everyone involved. Unfortunately, I had to do it to my mother 8 years ago and the sad part is that I feel little resentment because there were never overtly bad intentions involved. The strange part is how it feels afterwards... or doesn't.
Clay, these videos are coming at such a perfectly significant time for me. This brought me immense amounts of clarity. Thank you so much.
thanks for the encouragement
@@ClayArnall of course!
I came to realise this very thing about my self a little while back and me being the type of person i am i reflected on this untill i it made sense to me that the strong feeling i always felt to explain myself derived from the strong feeling I felt my whole life that no one really understood me and on top of that being the deep intelligent thinker that i am only made it that much harder to stay along the lines of short and sweet...
Unfortunately i learn things the hard way. Appreciate your awesome work in this video and others to clearly state your observations and reflections that help many infjs who come across your videos. I appreciate your effort and i subscribed, commented and liked your video.
Video Idea: What to do when your parent(s) is a narcissist. -Explain what to do when they don't care about your opinion, and they also think that you sharing your opinion is disrespectful. -Etc.
thanks for the idea. I want to do some videos on narcissism actually. It's a daunting topic because it's so complicated, but I've been researching it extensively lately, so it's on the list.
@@ClayArnall You're welcome :) ---And awesome, I'd love to learn more about it through your videos. :)
Felicia W Hey friend. My mom is a narc too. Check out the book “Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers”. I heard about it in a great TH-cam video from Meredith of Inner Integration. Check it out. It helped me a lot.
th-cam.com/video/5oGdY9MqISw/w-d-xo.html
Looking forward to @Clay Arnall’s future content on this too. 🙂
Thank you, very insightful.
I think we project our own deepness and intellect onto others -- we think other people think like us because, well, it's so natural for us. Selectivity of conversation is very important. I think we need to practice this and have levels of conversation that we're used to.
Earlier generations had rules of conversational etiquette that put certain topics off limits -- politics, religion and the other person's spouse.