I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course For those of you who like videos like this one and want more, definitely check it out :)
felt. to be honest there were red flags at the start but i was willing to stick around to see him fix the issues, because i really loved our chemistry and i tend to give people a lot of chances. i try to see the best in people. it bit me in the ass and i found out he cheated through texting a girl flirting heavy. some people might count it as cheating, but i surely do. especially as a very loyal person. i have no eyes for anyone but who i’m with. this was after tons of instances of him lying and hiding things :/ trust ur gut folks, it’s there to protect you
As a person who was brought up in an abusive environment, the concept of boundaries and respect have always been foreign to me. This has had unfortunate consequences in my platonic and romantic relationships, as I both myself do not have any boundaries and am inconsiderate of other peoples boundaries. This is something I deeply struggle with to this day.
As my therapist says, YOU are the main character in your story -- no one else, so you should be putting yourself first always. Respect and love for others is important, but if you do not set healthy boundaries, some people get the feeling that they can walk all over you and that you'll still be happy. I have a long, long history of putting other people's needs first or just not reacting when something bad happened, whether in the environment I grew up in, or in the relationships I have had with friends and boyfriends. In my case, it always happened like this - I bottled up my negative emotions because I didn't want to ruin the dynamic or I didn't want to lose the relationship, but in doing so, I didn't understand that I was missing out on healthy relationships, with people who would have respected me and my boundaries. And like Rhett Butler, I inevitably snapped at one point and put an end to the abusive relationship... but I moved on to another abusive one. Why? Something happens to your brain when you ignore your needs time and again - you lose self esteem and self respect, so your brain tricks you into thinking you're not worthy of amazing things. And believe me, you are, because you're the main character in your story, so you deserve to be treated well by the people around you or at least as well as you treat them. Be safe and put yourself first. Lots of hugs.
I haven’t really had a point of no return in a romantic relationship, but I have had it in friendships. The biggest one is when I was talking with my best friend of two years at that point and I told her, “to me you’re like a sister,” because we had an argument and I wanted to reaffirm that my feelings towards her were positive despite that. And she responded, “To me, you’re like a punching bad,” and at that point I was just done with her. I cut ties later that night
Good for you, there obviously was no emotional equity. Now apply that to romantic relationships as well. In essence they are the same thing, your own self respect demands it.
One of my biggest friendships ended when I came to visit my friend, who happened to have 3 classmates at his house at the time (we went to different schools), and he straight up kicked me out. To add context, it wasn't unusual for me to show up at his house on weekends without notice. The realization that he probably thought I'd embarass him in front of his other friends hit me like a truck. I still remember crying outside his apartment. Barely spoke with him since.
Respect is arguably the foundation of every healthy relationship. It can take a long time to build and can all be broken in an instant. One key to gaining high levels of respect is by having emotional control and consistently showing respect to yourself and those around you.
I just broke it off with my girlfriend of 3 years and this really relatable, especially the part about the mental load. I felt like I was completely responsible for having to make all the adult decisions and thinking about where we were headed together. I tried to be patient and supportive because I know she had her own problems she was trying to work through, but every time I wanted to talk to her about serious things I was met with resentment, passive aggression and a generally dismissive attitude. it was years before I got tired enough of being unheard that i just had to accept we're not good for each other, and move on. It feels like ripping your own heart out of your chest.
My partner behaves just like that when I try to point out things we can improve, it's not all the time but happens frequently. How did you make the decision? I feel like it's irreversible at this point and I should stick with them for the rest of my life even though we have some big problems :(
@@lelemsays I wish I could tell you how I made it but I don't really know. The main thing that helped was asking myself if I could live with how I am feeling about it all, (problems going unresolved, poor communication and being unheard), for the rest of my life. I answered no.
@@ryansergas2776 I understand very well, we tend to put other people's necessities over ours and end up in this situation. Hope everything gets better for you 🙌🏻
@@chopstickpopcornhe most probably will grow to that point, but you might need to have to wait a çouple of years. I stopped being a boy only by 28-30, lol
While I get what you mean, I think this version of the 'ick' in this case is the escalated, compounded version that has built up, where even the littlest things seem bothersome for the other, in a way that no longer seems reasonable (ie 'I just don't like the way they smell/do things/walk/etc'). When you get to that point that it no longer becomes a thing that can be actually addressed (because the ick is something that clearly is just...felt because of a bigger disgust over a person), then that's the 'ick' that's considered a valid red flag In the manner in which it was discussed in this video, I think contempt comes first and the ick is something that happens after, if I understood it correctly
@@himanshusingh5214yes but the point is they didn't smell bad at the beginning so why do they smell bad now? And that's what the commenter is talking about. The ick is just the excuse and the reality is they just don't like you.
@@veryclaro My takeaway is the complete opposite. In this videos terms, you'd be describing someone feeling contempt for their partner. The ick, however, is something very sudden and visceral. For example seeing your partner mistreat a service worker and realising that they are not who you thought they were and losing all attraction.
My wife screamed at me that she hated me and wished I were dead, and she did this in front of our kids. This outburst came because she said something to me that I found hurtful and it was a response to me saying… “what you just said was hurtful.” She’s chronically ill and may have literal brain damage and because I’m the source of her health insurance and I really don’t want the mother of my children to die I just kind of accept my difficult and frequently painful existence. Every day I hope that the next surgery will allow her to be functional enough to support herself and maintain gainful employment with health benefits so we can finally end this. It’s such a sad place to be. I am, absolutely, a much better person in every way for having had her in my life. But I just can’t do this anymore.
It sounds like you’re being really brave for your children. That really takes a lot of integrity. Trying your best for the greater good is never in vain. Things have a way of working out. So I hope that happens soon for you. Make sure to let it out. Cry, when you can. You’ll feel better. And one day it will be better.
I think there's one missing from your list, which is probably fairly common in abusive relationships. That is when someone has been crushed for so long that they believe the abuser that it's all their fault, and then the abuser does something so ridiculous or horrible that the illusion is shattered and there's a sudden realisation that a whole stretch of time has been a complete lie. That realisation is a point of no return. I had it about a month ago.
It's actually scary how well timed this was. I have been grappling with the idea of removing myself from a friendship because of a lot of these things but feeling guilty because I did not vocalise my hurt and feeling of being mistreated for so long and so I surely owe it to that person to give them a chance to make it right. But in keeping quiet for so long (and I appreciate I absolutely have a major part to play in it getting to this point by bottling things up) I really do feel like certain things just cannot be undone and it's nice to see it laid out a lot more simply than the version I am overcomplicating in my mind. A sad realisation to come to, but better than the tumultuous one I was making for myself up til now.
this happened to me too! it can be difficult for people on the outside to understand but when a relationship is broken there's really no turning back. it's not a question of who is right or wrong, who has a right to leave whom. When you're done you're done. All you really owe that person is respect for them as a human being, not to continue the relationship. It took me a long time to accept this but I have come to view allowing people to flow in and out of your life, and doing the same, as an important skill to practice in maximizing your chances of finding people you have healthy, fun, satisfying relationships and allowing others to do the same
i love playing nba with friend A, he's chill. friend B cares wayyyy too much about winning the game. in fact, i never have fun playing nba with friend B. in fact, i never had fun with friend B period. in a finite life with due hardship, it is never unreasonable to stop giving time and energy to those who won't appreciate it nor return it.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. We all try to give the benefit of the doubt to people who have been good to us in the past. Learn from it, communicate early on, and stick to it no matter how much it hurts. You’ll survive it, but sometimes you gotta do the shitty things to set yourself up for success.
My sister and i have just about reached the point of no return. I’ve asked her to respect my boundaries over and over again and she hasn’t stopped gaslighting me and belittling and mocking me. It’s gone beyond normal sister teasing. It really hurts.
I used to treat my sister this way. It was because I saw myself in her, and I hated myself. Now that we're adults we have a better relationship. I'm not saying that her behaviour is justified, but if she's bullying you, she's likely using you as an outlet for her own emotional pain. Things may change and get easier as you both get older.
@@chrystals.4376it’s often taught by the parents and their dynamic with one another so it’s not stranger if it’s internalized and re enacted by the children. If they all heal and take accountability, that’s where having a relationship can start
Recently had a long-term close friend of mine reach “the point of no return” with me. He bottled up all these small things and then laid it all on me 6,7,8 months later. Some big things to him didn’t seem too big of a deal to me at the time. It’s wild having a close friend cut you out of their life over things that could’ve been communicated over time. There’s no reconciliation when someone has reached that tipping point, even if I hadn’t seen it that way at all. Last time I tried reconciling with him I realized that there was a wall. There wasn’t anything I could do to break down that wall, no matter how I approached the issues. It was his choice not to make improvements on the wall, and he ultimately decided that he wasn’t going to take the time to relieve this pressure he had with me. The only thing that bothers me is that he was able to communicate and talk through his issues with me to anyone besides me. Leaving me feeling outcasted from our mutual friends. That being said our communication patterns are different and looking back I could see that those differences were going to cause a breaking point.
Coming from a person in your friends position right now, he most likely tried, but either A.) didn’t communicate his grievances with you fully in order to not hurt your feelings, or B.) was ignored/brushed off by you in the past and felt that there would be no point in telling you. Cutting off a close friend is never easy, and it took one too many betrayals and multiple friends to finally convince me to do it. There’s no use getting caught up on what could’ve been. The best thing you keep do is to keep moving forward.
@@soapgod5554honestly i think so too. I do that with my boyfriend. I can't talk about his issues to him because when I do he always acts as if it's really silly for me to even get bothered by it or as if it's my fault and I'm not putting in an effort. that's why i stopped telling him altogether and i still don't have any issue with sharing them with someone else. from what i hear, he might have felt that too
@soapgod5554 I feel like I'm in that situation with my girlfriend, for some reason I am so afraid of talking to her about things I talk about with a close friend.
If you find yourself gossiping behind a person's back frequently- really consider just saying that stuff to the person's face. That should be the only reason for discussing personal stuff with other people- processing it enough that you can address it with them directly.
I reached this point with my ex. After 6 years and no proposal, and constant breadcrumbing about the future and lack of effort, feeling like I had to move the relationship along all by myself while he coasted, escalating arguments when I tried to speak up about my needs, and doing most of the cooking and cleaning while living together, I finally had a nervous breakdown and broke up with him in a very messy way… which I’m not proud of. We have both hurt each other beyond repair I think. Very sad because we had an incredible bond and if there had been more maturity and better communication I think we could have had a relationship that lasted a lifetime. However, it takes two people to make a relationship work and that means taking your partners needs seriously.
I wonder if the “very messy way” was in a sense why he couldn’t pull the trigger. I had to end a 5+ year relationship because I just had seen signs of who she could become when she was really angry. I had still cared about her so I didn’t want to break it off, but I also was terrified of how much power she’d have with that anger if I did marry her. What did you do…?
Sunken cost fallacy. Just because you invested lots of time and/or money into something doesn't automatically make it worth anything. Like in a poker game where you've clearly already lost, but you keep throwing money in the pot because you're hoping for a miracle that you rationally know won't happen but emotionally hope for.
You think you had an incredible bond because you see things from your perspective. Obviously this was not what he was thinking or feeling, or he wouldn't have led you on for six years and no effort. (It hurts, but it is the truth) Relationships function if both people do the work. Remember to put yourself first now that you've gotten out of this bad situation and avoid getting back with him or jumping into another similar relationship where you are not valued for your kindness and who you are.
The Netflix show “beef” reminds me a lot of this idea of resentment building up in a relationship but not wanting to let go because of what you had in the past, to the point where you can no longer go back due to the damage done
It’s amazing how similar so many of our experiences are. I’m so glad that I’m in my 30s and have pushed through the hell that was my last long-term relationship. I’ve now met someone after a couple of years of being single, who is the exact opposite of my ex, and we are clicking so beautifully. I didn’t know it was possible to be so compatible because I have always forced myself into relationships with people I was not compatible with. A little advice to anyone who is younger or feels they need love from someone to validate their life, you don’t. Find happiness inside yourself, and you’ll know true happiness. Corny as it is, it’s 100% the truth.
It’s really hard to know what true compatibility is when you’re young. I have a bf of 2 years and for the most part we are very compatible. But then we started arguing a lot and usually we make up and find a solution but i feel like i people please a lot and he doesn’t see when he takes advantage of it. Also sexually I’ve been having issues cause I don’t think we’re truly compatible in it. Any advice?
@@mayamonth8533 if you’re unhappy, don’t be afraid of breaking things off. But also, don’t be afraid of the occasional disagreement or misunderstanding. It’s all about how you’re communicating those misunderstandings. But if you don’t feel satisfied or truly content with your partner, it may be time to reevaluate where you stand. It’s not easy when you love someone but it’s better to be alone and have the potential for a better match than to force something with someone who’s just not the one. But it sounds like you’re going to figure it out. Just remember, don’t people please so much that you give all of yourself away. 🩷
Often when reaching that threshold of disrespect,because you let so much go often the trigger could be a small thing, its met with shock and a lot of push back, which hurts even more because the fight that ensues to justify your feelings can escalate if the other person is really adamant about not seeing the issue, or brings up a bunch of things to deflect the focus of the conversation.
I'm fairly certain my ex did this. I voiced MULTIPLE times how her relationship with an old friend that recently rekindled marked a change in her behavior. "I just don't see it..." was her response. Multiple times. Having seen her suddenly have a zest for life when he was involved. Able to drag herself from her computer desk no problem. Not "I understand that you feel that way and will try to consider your feelings because you are important to me." I was crying to her, telling her how I felt alone with her. How she didn't make me feel like I was supported. Or heard. Sure cuddles are nice but so is an ounce of reassurance or consistency. When we started dating? We spent hours talking. What did she and he do? In my kitchen. Until 1 or 2 am? Drinking? OFTEN! Talked for hours. I kept telling myself i was just jealous of their friendship. So i kept letting it happen. I wanted her to have a support and friend group. After 2 years of supporting and encouraging her to take care of herself. I literally moved her home and deceased mother's belongings Multiple times. All at the very last minute because she would bottle everything. I finally hit the breaking point when she kept giving me attitude about a parking spot after our stuff was locked in her storage unit due to her nonpayment. I just wanted her to let me help. Yet I said something that couldn't be taken back when i had finally had enough and I regret it deeply. The hardest part is not knowing for sure weather or not she was emotionally cheating with him. I just hope she's safe and happy wherever she is.
The way I put it to my ex was 'There is no apology available to you, beyond a time machine, to make it to where I see you in a positive light again.' I wish I could send her this video to explain to her why I don't want to see her, but I don't want to talk to her.
Yeah this pretty much happened to me, too. My ex took no accountability for her words or actions and just expected me to be ok with it. She felt entitled to speak to me however she wanted and had very little control over her emotions. that made me lose respect for her that could never be recouped.
As many people have said, the timing of this video is impeccable. I was the one who hurt my partner (emotionally) to the point of no return. This video has been extremely helpful in my self reflection. I wish I could send this to her but we are trying to go no contact.
Last week my boyfriend called me by another woman’s name while I was upset and then said he was just joking and when I asked why he chose to “joke” like that and he said he wanted to see how upset he could make me, and i just feel like that might have been my last straw. I’m not sure what to do though.
My advice, don’t listen to the people that want you to leave the relationship because misery loves company. Wait until you’re calm, cool and collected… Weigh how long you’ve been in the relationship, if you have children, live together, etc. Why you’re with him to begin with, what’s his good qualities… Lastly what led to the disagreement or fight and what role you played in it… Be honest with yourself because you might choose to leave him now and someone might choose to leave you later…
the average person is straight up violating boundaries like it's second nature. we should teach about boundaries and harrassment etc even when it doesn't pertain to intimate relationships.
@@daviddavidd3745 police, parents vs their kids, street interviews asking what "size" to random girls, driving tailgating, standing way to close to people in lines lol, theft, harrassment of employees, the list can go on but don't take this as an attack on you. we cant normalize this and we can do better. i personally wanna be better. just cuz i dont feel it harrassment doesnt mean it isnt
We really should. Especially when you grow up around toxic parents. My sisters never got all the therapy I did and they cross boundaries all day and get angry when I try and set them as if Im the problem. They don't see how unhealthy our narcissistic mother made our boundaries.
I have experienced this “point of no return” in a relationship and that one saying is true, how it’s never truly over until It’s over. there’s a certain amount of time that you could tolerate someone coming back and letting them in up until they say something really hurtful to you, you just hit a checkpoint where it becomes a dead end. when I randomly started to realize this, I basically became tired of shifting around my values/morals all the time , knowing i did have personal morals and standards. also being attached to this person, for the validation and for the fact that I feared being alone. when you are trauma bonded to someone it seriously is no joke! It’s all mental. I feel a lot happier and less stressed as a single person now and I’m grateful that I didn’t waste any more time with this person who was just straight up disrespectful
i feel like im in the same situation ..i have hope maybe he'd get better along with me, but then again we're early 20s and im already hanging on by a thread.. do you think we stand a chance?
What bothers me is that some people will end a relationship, not because you have taken them for granted or showed a pattern of disrespectful behavior, but because you made a mistake or said the wrong thing. I'm not talking about severe mistakes, like cheating, not listening to their boundaries or going after people's insecurities, although those are just bad choices. I'm talking about people who end the relationship because you did something wrong, but they don't tell you what you did wrong. They just give you the silent treatment and let resentment build up while you don't know what you did wrong. They honestly think that they shouldn't have to tell you what you did wrong, you should just know. Those people are extremely toxic and they should be ashamed of themselves.
Those people don't really break up because you did something wrong, they break up because they're self-centered, immature and unsuited to serious relationships. Some people get over this, others find partners willing to be their doormats for the rest of their lives, and I'm sure a goodly portion of them will just complain about how they can't seem to stop dating assholes/sluts/idiots/immature people/etc and the cycle repeats.
This take is toxic. You may not consider "what you did wrong" to be a big deal, but your friend absolutely did. You continue to not respect their threshold and instead choose to place blame on them because you "did nothing wrong."
@UnBR0k3enAngel how are you supposed to know what you did wrong if your "friend" gives you the silent treatment instead of directly telling you? Giving someone the silent treatment is a form of manipulation. You're not a good friend if you do that to people. Same goes for people who would rather just spread rumours instead of confronting you.
My girlfriend of 6 years just broke up with me, and i believe I've always been honest, careful and showed her my love and appreciation, she did something unthinkable and i cant tolerate that disrespect but still love her this video may work for me because it came in the exact moment so thanks
Wait she broke up with you, but she did something "unthinkable"?! If that means what I think it means. In Biily Butchers voice: *"Have some god damn self respect!"
@@Blur2221 I suggest consulting a therapist instead of a youtube comments section if you have unresolved issues that are having a very large negative effect on your life. Respectfully.
i was actually the main reason for the breakup and the biggest one was actually contempt. It was my first relationship and one of the big mistakes i made was showing our heated moments to others. Instead of listening to her i listened to the others around me and they fed my ego. Other things like resentment and disrespect were also prevalent
I learnt that talking to someone about their behaviour depends a lot on if i think anything will improve by doing so. Too often, people are defensive and you know all that will happen is you'll regret saying anything and be the one crying and apologising. I attract those sorts of people. In the end, I just push them away instead or reduce contact. Depends on the severity of the behaviour.
If you bring up a problem you see, and end up apologizing, there's a chance you're dealing with a narcissist. (Narcissists are created by environmental factors over decades btw, it doesn't tend to be "built in" from the beginning.)
Had a friend be so resentful of me that I started having anxiety attacks when I was around her. It took one comment where she resentfully talked about potentially hating me out of jealousy. I had to get away. I did my best, I had been her friend for years. I’m in therapy now, I do struggle with setting boundaries so I’m working in that.
What I think is interesting about the point of no return is that as people change, we can come back from that point. My best friend and I reached the point of no return a while ago, and we just separated, not talking for years after. Then, life brought us together again. We started to talk a bit, and we realized how much things had changed. We never really said anything about our fight, we just grew closer again over time
While it’s fantastic that you two were able to reconnect after such a horrendous falling out, if you haven’t already, I believe it would be a good idea to address your fight- to clear the air.
I’ve been grieving my breakup on and off for over a year now. This video was super helpful in unpacking what happened between us. It honestly was probably an accumulation of almost every point, but what probably pushed him over the edge was when I said something in the heat of the moment that I’ll never be able to take back. I took him for granted. I’ve realized (much too late) that I’ll never find someone else like him. Learn from me. Don’t take your significant other for granted
To the point about the "mental load", I can sort of relate. I used to work somewhere in retail that I was constantly concerned about the "housekeeping", which meant keeping the backroom clean and organized, keeping products on the shelves in the right place, making sure metrics were green and basically, that the ship was run tight. Not having these things done gave me a sort of anxiety, since the downstream effects of little things not being addressed created a set of adverse circumstances that irritated me (like, not being able to find the item I needed to sell to a customer, or even just simply not being able to make sense of my surroundings when everything was an unkempt mess). Needless to say, it was frustrating when coworkers didn't share my sense of urgency around making sure things were taken care of. I'm fortunate enough to work somewhere now that people seem more considerate about themselves and others, and I don't feel like the "only" one who cares about things getting done. The difference is night and day.
Once you make the work to do better. People around might felt your changing behavior's that will no longer suit them. So you growing to be concern about people lack of care. While you keep level up and leaving people soo behind you on the race. OF course this will let you to better job opportunities but people around you that cant keep up, might take it with bad light. Good for you.
There's a similar concept in programming called "technical debt," where taking shortcuts and never fixing them makes it more difficult to do any related work down the road, I'd recommend searching it for those interested It can be all too easy to be short-sighted and kick the can down the road to the next coworker, shift, month, etc. Good on you to be forward-thinking that way, and it's good to hear you found a team with others who agree :)
@@supershot8335 kicking the can down the road is a great way of putting it, and it's exactly how I feel. I don't want other people to do with the consequences of my bad decisions, even if it seems like I've got the blessing of a superior to do so.
It's crazy to think how sometimes, all it takes is one sentence to destroy years upon years of an established relationship. Of course, there was this build-up of uncertainty and confusion, but at the end of it, all it took was one thing they said and in that moment, you realize whatever was between you two is beyond repair.
I had my ex say two of the most painful things I've ever heard. 1. "Love is like a power outlet. It all comes from the same place. The only difference between you and me, and me and any of my other friends, is that we have sex" - Said after being together for about 3 years. 2. "Are you just gonna follow me around like a puppy dog?!" - Said around 4 years when we were walking to class in college while were talking about moving in together. Resentment is putting it lightly.
@@ChurlzVA No doubt. Telling you that you're absolutely nothing special in her life is a less-than-subtle sign that she's ready to break it off with you.
an ex and I tried to salvage a relationship where I had made mistake that was irreconcilable for them... they no longer respected me and there were constant jabs towards me. knowing what I know now I should've recognized the respect was gone and ended the relationship sooner. I'm still sitting with alot of resentment even after the relationship has ended as I unpack all the disrespect... recognize the signs of building resentment or disrespect early and end things before they get nasty
Sins don't go away, the truth doesn't change, sounds like she got her pound of flesh. If you want someone to be considerate of how you feel give that, otherwise why would you expect to EVER get that. There is no healing or forgiveness.
it's funny cos deep down, we all kinda know about it, but refuse to put words and thoughts on it in our everyday life. then shit hits the fan, and you're like "ugh, all the signs were here' we humans truly are fascinating creatures
I will give a real example. I used to do public speaking. I had a public speaking coach. I walked up to give a big speech in front of 100 people at a hotel. As I got to the lectern I saw my coach bad mouth me to someone else and say that I was hopeless and stupid for speaking. That ended any mutual coaching relationship with him and I couldn't get motivated to give speeches after that; I know that it let him win but I couldn't continue. That was too much of a tipping point.
I have been in an abusive relationship before so I can vouch for the fact that everyone has a limit. I've been trying to get better at spotting red flags not only in others but also in myself so that I can undo those red flags and be a partner when the time arises. I've got a good feeling about you and this channel, thank you for doing what you do.
Just wanted to say I have been following your channel for a little while and just noticed you mentioning you’re a postdoc now rather than a phd candidate, so I wanted to say congratulations on finishing your phd! That is a big achievement and I can’t wait to see your work in the future 💜
Ian Fleming's short story coined the expression "quantum of solace" for something similar. When your partner has said or done something that is beyond a certain threshold of the acceptable bounds of having any regard for the your well-being.
At the end of the video you say don’t get complacent, but what I think what should have been said instead is, some endings are inevitable. “Don’t let someone lose respect and attraction for you” is not something you can really control. Someone could leave you when you are depressed, out of a job, etc. and these decisions have no moral attachments.
I’m watching this because I hit this point in a past relationship and with a couple of friends. Always said it felt like a switch had been turned off, and suddenly I wanted nothing to do with them anymore because all I could see was the bullshit.
I recently broke up with my best friend because he was abusing me for quite some time. We had absolutely reached the point of no return where I got angry at the previous abuse that I let slide as well as a line that was crossed that was unacceptable period. Once you reach the point of no return, the other person needs to realize that it’s also time to give up as well because the person who has reached it now only feels indifference towards you and doesn’t have a bone in them that cares for you anymore
My most recent ex would completely disrespect me, show contentment towards me and project his insecurities onto me but will beg on his knees and cry for me not to leave. Once he saw that I was at a point of no return he then proceeded to say heinous things to me. This video’s timing was rly somethin
I experienced the ick which eventually led to my breaking up with my ex not too long ago. I knew she had things she was working on in herself, which is why i was so understanding and patient with her needs. However, it came to the point to where i noticed i started walking on eggshells around her. Any time I tried to communicate abt an issue or something that bothered me, she became so defensive that I couldn't even be honest anymore. I started protecting her from my emotions bc she had a huge victim complex and couldn’t deal with the idea that she was the cause. I realized that she wasn't as understanding and caring abt me as i thought she was, and anything she did gave me the ick and i was annoyed by it. Even on the day i talked to her abt breaking up, she came up with excuses for everything instead of truly listening when i talked abt things that hurt me and bothered me
I think the thing people don't mention when talking about contempt is that it's a moral emotion - it's a response to a perceived moral deficit on the part of the other person. Contempt usually doesn't show up out of nowhere nor can it just be repressed because it's bad; when people conduct their lives in immoral ways, contempt is the natural response. It's only really possible to respect someone who behaves in a respectable way.
Hmm, interesting but I have very different point of view on that. Exactly the opposite to be precise. My ex-wife started to display contempt for me the same time she started having affair(s) with her coworker(s). [At least this is what I've noticed backtracking what happened in our relationship and when, when I've got some evidences]. I guess what happened was that every time she saw me I was reminder to her that she is not loyal, and she knew that but wanted to supress that by belittling me. In part I agree with you, I contempted her later when I've learned what she was doing and she had no will to fix anything.
@@xxyxyxyx Wouldn't you feel contempt towards a pedophile? What about a terrorist? Recognizing something as immoral isn't immoral - just because you don't like being judged for being a bad person doesn't make those who recognize you as such bad
In my last relationship I definitely was the one who got the "ick" treatment. I have always been unmotivated, slow and quite depressed (while thin) and my ex was very hard-working, stressed and driven, with lots of work, lots of sports. Over time she hated me for the way I am and she built up a lot of contempt. Once she chastised me for my cleanliness habits (which I didn't object to, as I wanted people to tell me what I could change), pressured me to "do more" about myself, which wasn't really good for my mental health, so that created a panic attack once when she pressured me to move in with her. After she broke up with me in a somewhat nice way, I wanted to ask her one last question about the relationship, and she exploded on me with a furious rant about how much she was disgusted and ashamed of me. That probably didn't really help with my low self-esteem (which is a very "polite" way of describing how I felt). Yeah, so that's how it can feel if you are the "victim" of the "ick". And yeah, that was clearly the result of an incompatibility here.
This is such an important topic. I’m currently experiencing this and I had been wanting to understand what I’m experiencing more so I can navigate my way safely through it. I know my relationship is going to end and I want to get out of it with the tools to make sure I’m going to be okay.
I feel this way about my father. Except that when the disrespect threshold gets broken, i am too afraid to say anything and I just break a little more inside It's not in English but there's this amazing song by Cho Shu Nie called Asphyxia, it has some really strong insights like "I always believed the pain you gave me would turn to love" or "too far gone, but still you carry on. And now tou break a little more" Really captures the hopeless feeling of it
This came at a perfect time.I just ended a long term friendship. They consistently needed me but would not be there for me when I needed the,m. They’d also continuously make bad decisions in their life that would effect our friendship for example they continued dating toxic abusive men and would ask me to take part of their plan to get back with them and in a way out me in danger and recently they continuously asked for financial support to travel disregarding my finance goals. When I attempted to set a boundary they would assume I disliked them. It hurt me so I’d usually bend and disregard my own boundary to not hurt them. And recently they did just that they disrespected my boundary… I even asked for space but they didn’t want to give me space and instead said horrible things to me. She showed up a week later at my house attempting to make amends and I no longer felt the same. I became emotIonally drained. I felt at peace once I knew I could walk away knowing I at least attempted to set the boundary.
the title of this video instantly reminded me of a conversation i had during the last couple months of my last relationship. so much resentment had built up that what i was saying to them made me think "how can we come back from this?". and the fact that was an actual question i had to ask (beyond all the other violation of boundaries in this specific relationship) was such an indication that there was no return and we would have to end it.
my ex girlfriend developed all of these for me. She had a 7 month affair and essentially scammed me for a lot of money and time. The whole saga has affected my self esteem and and self worth immensely
I would say I had 2 points of no return with my mother both of which confirmed her contempt for me🤔 1- when I was 16 she told me I wasn’t suicidal and I just needed to pray more. This told me she doesn’t value my opinions and believes my feelings to be childish 2- several years later she said I only used her for money and didn’t care about anyone but myself. This confirmed that she thinks of me as a horrible person and that I was selfish and not “human” in her eyes. Frankly I’ve given up on trying to make her value or respect me in any way and simply work to make sure we have boundaries. Hopefully one day we can talk as family but for now it’s just playing with fire and me refusing to give her the reactions she wants anymore
I have a similar dynamic with my mother. People like this have an idea of you in their head; how you act and what you say doesn't change that image. So in that example, if you try to talk to her about why she thinks you're only using her for her money.. if you try to ask why, and present evidence that shows it isn't true, nothing you can do can change her mind. It's a really horrible way to be and I hope I never end up like her. I feel exhausted after years of trying to communicate with her and I can't do this anymore.
I mean she’s not wrong about prayer. You’d be surprised the movement God puts in the pieces on the board. Have faith and He will help you with a good will.
My mom told me she would value my words more if I gave her money. She has never cared for me as an individual, moreso just what I can do or be for her. It's disgusting and exhausting
I'm still waiting for an explanation for something that happened earlier this year during a falling out with a friend group. I never got an answer or explanation or anything. Just "we dont like you anymore" and then the random bullying in the group chat started when I didn't even say anything. Another "friend" who I would have called a sister just a month prior gave me the silent treatment. These weren't middle or high schoolers either, they were college students. I can't believe I wasted so much time with them.
Was there a kind of "leader" among the group? Someone that kinda felt like the center who glued everyone together? This kind of situation really sucks because even if you did do something wrong within the friendship, you dont even know what it is to be able to adress it and fix it. Just know that whether you did nothing at all or you could've been a better friend, you didn't deserve that response.
@@marsinator3675 no but there was a core group and my difficulties began with 2 people in the core group. Since I was not a part of the core and was instead a later addition to the larger group I just think people didn’t really feel the need to be loyal to me or stick up for me.
I've recently dealt with the same kind of thing with my (ex)friend group. I lost 7 people. They don't talk to me at all anymore so I dont know the exact reason. I called one of them out for emotionally abusive behavior and because I was the only one to do so I came across as the asshole of the group, I guess. I was rocking the boat and they didn't like it.
I’d love to see a video on how exactly we can avoid taking jabs at ppl we love and not snapping at them in the heat of the moment due to stress or whatever else. This is something I tend to struggle with and would love to stop pushing away the people I care about
For me, a recurring situation that preceded the breakup in some relationships was perhaps the other side of contempt; when that 'superiority' was expected from me. That I was expected to always be the 'stronger' one of the two; be it emotionally, economically, socially, in attitude / behavior, or in other aspects. And while I met that expectation, all was fine; but at the moment that for whatever reason that reversed (be it because my S.O. was better or because I was worse, on enough of those aspects), it wasn't long before the other person wanted to leave. Felt like I was not free to be weak without paying a price for it. After those, I came close to developing some toxic traits; about being desperate about avoiding any weakness showing. That felt terrible; the idea that when I was having a bad time, instead of being able to be open and share it with your S.O., I had to not only deal with whatever bad situation I was in, but also to be desperately trying to hide it, for fear of the possible consequences; which would leave me worse than I already was. Instead, now for me it has become a major red flag when I detect that type of expectations being put on me by the other person.
I recently lost someone so precious to me. I made a mistake and hurt her. She felt disrespected and heartbroken. I really do regret what I did, but I know the damage had been done. I really wish at that time I didn't get too complacent and thought of her feelings more. I really miss her and still wish things could work out between the two of us, but I shouldn't expect anything. Things just went too fast
Being the one who pushed my loving partner away even though they loved me, but i was too emotionally manipulative without even trying to be, i really appreciate this video. It is helping me learn and grow, because i grew up around these behaviors and i want to change it❤️
The last thing I remember my ex saying to me was "Just die already." That was it. It finally sunk in that he didn't love me. He didn't care about me at all. He wished I would just die.
My very first boyfriend was immature and toxic that he really suffocated me in the relationship. To top it all off, he didn't hide his interest for one of my close friends and another girl in our batch mates back in college. It literally broke me inside how he could do such a thing, but at least now I'm in a happier relationship with a guy who gives me peace.
I am someone who was brought up to be very hateful and judgemental of people who I dont understand. This has led to me not knowing what my 'true' feelings are, having my thoughts be ones of hate and truly believing it but also wishing I didnt. This makes the ick harder for me to deal with because I am aware that the things that I am getting the 'ick' about are things like thinking someone is 'cringey' which means that I am actually not able to appreciate all of the wonderful and nice things someone does for me, because what they wear is so offensive to me..Feeling this as a gut feeling and wanting to elave, but knowing that I dont want to be aomeone who judges people on their clothing choices. Yeah its fine to not like someones style but I want to be someone who loves person for how they treat me and not for something a simple as fashion sense. It makes me really torn up inside
I think what’s important here is you recognize your faults. No, you’re not where you want to be, but the fact this is tearing you up inside is good. Wanting to do good is half the battle. Wanting to change is a huge step that deserves credit. Keep going.
I think my ex had your problem..not in the clothing aspect but she sure fucking hates when someone tried to be nice to her and she was also brought up hateful and judgemental
Watching this after “the point of no return” and i’ve been waiting months even years to see a Neurologist. I have Epilepsy and it is destroying me, I try not to blame it on the seizures but this rage and burst of emotion always comes out. Especially here in the USA it is difficult having your license suspended. Having your girlfriend look at you with uneasiness whenever you go out for a drive. All i want is her back but I know she is gone and nobody will see this. I just want my life to go back to the way it was before.
for my last relationship it was resentment starting from forgetting her birthday and continuing by me not being good with planning dates. nothing we ever did could make up for forgetting in her eyes. i finally made commitments to do better after months of her asking me to take her on more dates instead of the other way around, but by that time it was too late. i don’t know if i can forgive myself for making them feel how i did.
She was already telling you what she needed and you were ignoring it. All you can do is listen better next time to the needs of your partner. Everyone is different and needs to receive love in different ways.
I know the advice is “listen better next time” but I feel like it’s not that simple? My boyfriend broke up with me for a similar reason. We hadn’t gotten into any huge fights but he definitely expressed the feeling of not being heard but I never picked up on it. He decided to break up with me to prevent himself from fostering resentment towards me (because he valued the friendship). Maybe I was too caught up in my current problems and my forgetfulness was becoming an issue. Either way, I really don’t how to be better other than to avoid relationships altogether. I try really hard to listen but it’s just not working out for me.
Can you talk about incompatible needs and why a partner can end the relationship due to overwhelm, commitment issues, and thinking people have the same needs all the time? In my perspective, the needs change and so do we, so partners should have kind of the same vision on this topic
I prompt you with the other wheel. For me, needs dont change over time. People do. So while we need to eat, share social/talk, and sleep. We might want to eat different food over time, have different kind of talk. Or the sole wanting to change the arrangement/colours of our space. So it might be that you "want" something different, but is not the same as "need". Usually comes with the fact of some short of "taking for granted what you have" so that you no longer value the same way. Thats what I think about the whole issue.
with needs in relationships I mean seeing your partner more often, or needing more time for oneself, or prefering to see your partner twice a week instead of every day, show public affection, or be honest and communicative, etc. There are needs that change (e.g. how often you see your partner) and permanent needs (e.g. honesty, communication). The needs that change are due to contextual/external variables: is it exam season at uni? then one might *need* more alone time to focus, others *need* more partner time to feel energized for exams. Other examples include: drastic life changes (job change, family member death, etc.). However, I do agree with your point about wanting something different (meaning, another partner) because you no longer value your current partner. I think this tends to happen when couples become more stable and long-term, in which we kinda lose focus/interest because we're so used to them. But by no means I would think that as a reason to break up, it's just what the current dating culture offers. @@carlosemiralonso7997
Had this with my friend of six years after we moved in together, they refused to acknowledge that they had done things wrong and had hurt me, and I kept trying over and over to reexplain how I felt, how these things came off to me (was a very eye opening moment to reread “why does he do that” and read “the emotionally abusive relationship” and see that they were never going to get it no matter how much I explained and pleaded) and I just had a point where I told them not to talk to me unless it is pertaining to closing the lease on the apartment (which didn’t stop them from yelling at me when they felt like it) There was only so much I could take, I had to stop and say “I’ve done my best to try and mend this, and they are not willing to meet or acknowledge that effort, so we’re done” and just walk away
It's hard to get dumped but it's worse to get dumped on. I got rejected three times before I found someone that was a better match for me. I'm now living a pretty awesome life compared to what I had to put up with before. Sometimes the best thing someone can do for you is to get out of your life and make room for something/one better.
This all sounds like my ex. And I never picked up on it, after 3 years together, and 3-4 months since she just walked out, until last week when I found some things that proved my memories were real... She'd convinced me I willingly gave up some extremely important parts of myself, and that my memories around why I wasn't doing those things weren't real.
7:10 most guys are like "I don't understand why *you* are stressimg out about this, you don't need to, I am not making you, you are making you and I don't understand why you're shoving that stress on me, or acting in unreasonable ways with poor communication and poor respect for my boundaries"
I am the type with low threshold. It's not hard to be nice, it's not hard to be trustworthy. The best part about having a great career and my own home is that i do not have to tolerate mediocre people.
0:50 a much classier version of the modern “body count” debate. 4:45 reminder. This isn’t just romantic. Friends you’ve spent thousands of hours with, and thousands of times you try to enforce the same boundary, a boundary they’ve also expressed to you, and you’ve adjusted. I just stopped caring about their boundaries because it made me feel so worthless to have people who’ve been close to me for years disregard such simple shit I was already keeping in mind and putting in practice for them. It’s like playing chicken now whenever the boundary comes up. 9:37
Wow. You have just described my marriage. Me being neglected and my values being ignored lead to me feeling no respect for my wife and crossing the boundaries. We split up a couple of months ago but are still trying to get on and possibly work things out. Thanks a lot.
I have experience with this topic and I will give my view. I think the "point of no return" often happens due to a refusal to apologize in a timely manner. A genuine, heart felt apology and remorse can do wonders to mend fences between people. I think most people would be willing to forgive a loved one if they received an apology within a reasonable amount of time after the "injury" took place. If I cause someone an emotional injury this is brought to my attention, I will immediately want to apologize and restore honor and respect to that person that I hurt. If I want to be prideful and stubborn and refuse to apologize, then I have only myself to blame when time passes by and resentment sets in. By then it is too late and the relationship breaks down. Pride goes before the fall.
That is exactly the situation I am experiencing. The question is how long do I wait for an apology before telling them that the door is now closed, and no more communication is possible?
@@bunk95 Well, I think that it's very easy to tell if someone has true remorse when they apologize and also when they don't. I am never fooled by fake apologies. Even the wording is passive aggressive and manipulative.
i come back and watch this video around once a month. not because i go out of my way to, but because i think about the content of this video a lot. it explains so much about my relationship that it really hits home.
Damn. Gotta say, i haven't gotten through your whole video yet, but i can clearly see how genuine you are in your desire to simply help people. That alone, to me, is absolutely heart warming. Let alone touching on your advice. Thank you for being such a dope human being. I hope people are as good to you as you are to this world.
I experienced "the ick" with a former friend when I found out he had a particular fetish, I won't say what because even saying it might be too much for most people and possibly triggering. I know it was for me. He never partook in it, he consumed media depictions. My view of him changed instantly. Friendship ended instantly. And even though I hear he went to therapy and is no longer into that, I will never view him the same.
This reminds me of the “ick” response Rick and Jerry got from learning why “the talking cat” could talk at the end of that episode from the show Rick and Morty.
The mental load thingy blew my mind, that is exactly what is happening to my parents xd Didnt know that it was that common tho, my mom took the planning very proactively
I appreciate that these are not over pathologized ideas. I feel a lot of language people use in these types of relationship videos just create walking "coaches" that can not hold a relationship to save their life due to their "understanding." I love the simplicity. Keeping it simple is so much more relatable to most. Only people I hear Ick are from 20 somethings that haven't had serious relationships, so I always dismissed it as a silly buzzword. But now it's making more sense.
as someone who has been on the receiving end of "the points of no return"- i understand that juvenile mistakes often include replicating parental mistakes or flaws. even so, i respect myself to know that actual change in a person is only possible through actionable apologies. when people consistently show up kinder, i can find myself forgiving them easier. others? well,, i forgive them but i keep my distance, because i'm smarter than that.
This happened to me with the mother of my child , we had him at a young age and I was so immature. I was never taught about boundaries or respect. Maybe I was but I certainly wasn’t those things with her. I crossed the line too many times and she left me, I love her so much but it’s too late. Why is changing so hard ? I’m trying my best but it doesn’t feel like enough. I think I have made progress , I wish to have someone to love one day.
Keep conditioning yourself to be aware in the moment when these things happen. The more you check yourself, the less you need to do so and then one day you'll notice that you've changed a significant amount. That's how it was for me, though I'm constantly working on myself every day. Being a good person isn't a given, you need to work for it. it hurts and is harder for oneself when you hurt others. This realization helped me build discipline. You can so do this, I wish you all the luck ❤
That is why I heal, I've been in an abusive family before & it hurt physically obviously cause it showed & but most importantly mentally. Especially earlier on as a child. The older you get you'll see what it truly was & forgive just as I have for mine. But as the saying goes- "Scar's can heal but can't disappear." You just have to learn how to use those scars for good just as Do I. ❤
I wasn’t able to admit to myself how much they hurt me after they dumped me all the cruel and painful words they said echo in my soul. After a month they came back I at the time was very happy we’d been doing long distance and they dumped me 2 months before I was coming home. They told me about sleeping with someone for 3 weeks after dumping me and that destroyed me. I was willing to still love and care for them I disrespected myself. When I came back home they didn’t put in the effort I put in to see them and on the final day I realized how hurt I was and also realized they never cared for me enough. When I started becoming distant after leaving they started pushing to talk to me more and at some point I just didn’t give a damn anymore. They’re no longer in my life and I’m better for it I now am talking to someone that actually cares and actually puts in a effort in everything they do with me sometimes even if you love them with everything you have nothing will change because they just don’t feel the same way.
Yes after 8 years of push and pull , with an avoidant ex who dismissed abandoned , cheated I finally drove the line and said enough , part of me still loved him when I did but looking back some things he’s done cannot ever be undone , he left in the middle of my cancer recovery two weeks later he was with someone else’s who lost I had a mental breakdown , enough is enough , he is reaching out wanting me back , I gave him the bird !😅
About the first one: you say everyone has a tipping point, but the problem is that sometimes you can get in a position where you don’t let yourself see their disrespect as disrespect. I had a friend a few years ago who I was way too emotionally dependent on, as she had been the first person to really make me feel important. She abused me nigh constantly over the course of a year, but I just assumed she was reacting to something I was doing wrong and just hated myself for her behavior. In the end, I wasn’t the one to end the friendship. She got tired of my reactions to her abuse faster than I even realized what was going on was abuse.
Years of "gridlock", disrespect, and dismissal turned me into a person who often said cruel things during (the same) argument because it seemed like the only way to make an impact that couldn't be spun to suit her argument/shift the goalpost. You truly do hit a point where you don't care anymore and you resent the person that you're with, especially when they make no effort change their actions or understand why you feel that way. In the eyes of everyone around us the things that I said completely masked the years of disrespect I had endured and I no longer have any friends from that time in my life as a result. The shame of who I was in that relationship won't go away for a long time but thank you for laying this all out in a way I can truly listen to and reflect on.
The real point of no return is as soon as you can't be yourself around them. Ranging from simple gestures to full blown blockage of words or topics you can't say when around them. F that crap and walk away.
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What a terrible thing it is to watch something so good turn so bad, and feeling like you're powerless to stop it.
story of my life, girls always switching up on me
@@alf3071if all of them are, I’ve got some news for you
Lol
@@alf3071for me it's the guys
felt. to be honest there were red flags at the start but i was willing to stick around to see him fix the issues, because i really loved our chemistry and i tend to give people a lot of chances. i try to see the best in people. it bit me in the ass and i found out he cheated through texting a girl flirting heavy. some people might count it as cheating, but i surely do. especially as a very loyal person. i have no eyes for anyone but who i’m with. this was after tons of instances of him lying and hiding things :/ trust ur gut folks, it’s there to protect you
As a person who was brought up in an abusive environment, the concept of boundaries and respect have always been foreign to me. This has had unfortunate consequences in my platonic and romantic relationships, as I both myself do not have any boundaries and am inconsiderate of other peoples boundaries. This is something I deeply struggle with to this day.
*hug*
u not alone 🤝
As my therapist says, YOU are the main character in your story -- no one else, so you should be putting yourself first always. Respect and love for others is important, but if you do not set healthy boundaries, some people get the feeling that they can walk all over you and that you'll still be happy. I have a long, long history of putting other people's needs first or just not reacting when something bad happened, whether in the environment I grew up in, or in the relationships I have had with friends and boyfriends. In my case, it always happened like this - I bottled up my negative emotions because I didn't want to ruin the dynamic or I didn't want to lose the relationship, but in doing so, I didn't understand that I was missing out on healthy relationships, with people who would have respected me and my boundaries. And like Rhett Butler, I inevitably snapped at one point and put an end to the abusive relationship... but I moved on to another abusive one. Why?
Something happens to your brain when you ignore your needs time and again - you lose self esteem and self respect, so your brain tricks you into thinking you're not worthy of amazing things. And believe me, you are, because you're the main character in your story, so you deserve to be treated well by the people around you or at least as well as you treat them.
Be safe and put yourself first. Lots of hugs.
I relate disturbingly much to this.
Same
I haven’t really had a point of no return in a romantic relationship, but I have had it in friendships. The biggest one is when I was talking with my best friend of two years at that point and I told her, “to me you’re like a sister,” because we had an argument and I wanted to reaffirm that my feelings towards her were positive despite that. And she responded, “To me, you’re like a punching bad,” and at that point I was just done with her. I cut ties later that night
Good for you, there obviously was no emotional equity. Now apply that to romantic relationships as well. In essence they are the same thing, your own self respect demands it.
@@AshleysBrother what?
One of my biggest friendships ended when I came to visit my friend, who happened to have 3 classmates at his house at the time (we went to different schools), and he straight up kicked me out. To add context, it wasn't unusual for me to show up at his house on weekends without notice.
The realization that he probably thought I'd embarass him in front of his other friends hit me like a truck. I still remember crying outside his apartment. Barely spoke with him since.
Good for you, TBH. People should stop normalizing this "you're my bestie, so I treat you like sh!t" bs.
@@naru8898if you treat your besties like shit, you will become a lastie fast.
Respect is arguably the foundation of every healthy relationship. It can take a long time to build and can all be broken in an instant. One key to gaining high levels of respect is by having emotional control and consistently showing respect to yourself and those around you.
this is gold
Sounds tiring, I’d rather believe in something with a lower enforcement cost
@@etagged Once you make it a habit it becomes a lot easier.
@@etagged Try working on what's making the "enforcement cost" so high.
A lot of people hate themselves and take it out on everyone around them. See: Elon Musk.
I just broke it off with my girlfriend of 3 years and this really relatable, especially the part about the mental load. I felt like I was completely responsible for having to make all the adult decisions and thinking about where we were headed together. I tried to be patient and supportive because I know she had her own problems she was trying to work through, but every time I wanted to talk to her about serious things I was met with resentment, passive aggression and a generally dismissive attitude. it was years before I got tired enough of being unheard that i just had to accept we're not good for each other, and move on. It feels like ripping your own heart out of your chest.
My partner behaves just like that when I try to point out things we can improve, it's not all the time but happens frequently. How did you make the decision? I feel like it's irreversible at this point and I should stick with them for the rest of my life even though we have some big problems :(
@@lelemsays I wish I could tell you how I made it but I don't really know. The main thing that helped was asking myself if I could live with how I am feeling about it all, (problems going unresolved, poor communication and being unheard), for the rest of my life. I answered no.
@@ryansergas2776 I understand very well, we tend to put other people's necessities over ours and end up in this situation. Hope everything gets better for you 🙌🏻
@@chopstickpopcornhe most probably will grow to that point, but you might need to have to wait a çouple of years. I stopped being a boy only by 28-30, lol
@@PenStockdon't give her false hope...
What I don't like about the "ick" is that it's often such a small thing that gets a too huge value in my opinion.
While I get what you mean, I think this version of the 'ick' in this case is the escalated, compounded version that has built up, where even the littlest things seem bothersome for the other, in a way that no longer seems reasonable (ie 'I just don't like the way they smell/do things/walk/etc'). When you get to that point that it no longer becomes a thing that can be actually addressed (because the ick is something that clearly is just...felt because of a bigger disgust over a person), then that's the 'ick' that's considered a valid red flag
In the manner in which it was discussed in this video, I think contempt comes first and the ick is something that happens after, if I understood it correctly
Bad smell is not an ick. You have to force yourself against your subconscious mind to be with a bad smell.
@@himanshusingh5214yes but the point is they didn't smell bad at the beginning so why do they smell bad now? And that's what the commenter is talking about. The ick is just the excuse and the reality is they just don't like you.
@@veryclaro My takeaway is the complete opposite. In this videos terms, you'd be describing someone feeling contempt for their partner. The ick, however, is something very sudden and visceral. For example seeing your partner mistreat a service worker and realising that they are not who you thought they were and losing all attraction.
Yeah.@@robertblume2951
My wife screamed at me that she hated me and wished I were dead, and she did this in front of our kids. This outburst came because she said something to me that I found hurtful and it was a response to me saying… “what you just said was hurtful.”
She’s chronically ill and may have literal brain damage and because I’m the source of her health insurance and I really don’t want the mother of my children to die I just kind of accept my difficult and frequently painful existence. Every day I hope that the next surgery will allow her to be functional enough to support herself and maintain gainful employment with health benefits so we can finally end this.
It’s such a sad place to be. I am, absolutely, a much better person in every way for having had her in my life. But I just can’t do this anymore.
It sounds like you’re being really brave for your children. That really takes a lot of integrity. Trying your best for the greater good is never in vain. Things have a way of working out. So I hope that happens soon for you. Make sure to let it out. Cry, when you can. You’ll feel better. And one day it will be better.
I don't have a girlfriend Idk what to say.
Damn.. i pray for you
sending you love 🫶 you are very brave
I hope things get better Michael
I think there's one missing from your list, which is probably fairly common in abusive relationships. That is when someone has been crushed for so long that they believe the abuser that it's all their fault, and then the abuser does something so ridiculous or horrible that the illusion is shattered and there's a sudden realisation that a whole stretch of time has been a complete lie. That realisation is a point of no return. I had it about a month ago.
Who gaf
Sounds like you have a "fearful-avoidant attachment style"
I had it as well. Often it feels like I’m the world’s biggest clown for having wasted so much time and energy on them.
It's actually scary how well timed this was. I have been grappling with the idea of removing myself from a friendship because of a lot of these things but feeling guilty because I did not vocalise my hurt and feeling of being mistreated for so long and so I surely owe it to that person to give them a chance to make it right. But in keeping quiet for so long (and I appreciate I absolutely have a major part to play in it getting to this point by bottling things up) I really do feel like certain things just cannot be undone and it's nice to see it laid out a lot more simply than the version I am overcomplicating in my mind. A sad realisation to come to, but better than the tumultuous one I was making for myself up til now.
This is so real
this happened to me too! it can be difficult for people on the outside to understand but when a relationship is broken there's really no turning back. it's not a question of who is right or wrong, who has a right to leave whom. When you're done you're done. All you really owe that person is respect for them as a human being, not to continue the relationship. It took me a long time to accept this but I have come to view allowing people to flow in and out of your life, and doing the same, as an important skill to practice in maximizing your chances of finding people you have healthy, fun, satisfying relationships and allowing others to do the same
i love playing nba with friend A, he's chill. friend B cares wayyyy too much about winning the game. in fact, i never have fun playing nba with friend B. in fact, i never had fun with friend B period.
in a finite life with due hardship, it is never unreasonable to stop giving time and energy to those who won't appreciate it nor return it.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. We all try to give the benefit of the doubt to people who have been good to us in the past. Learn from it, communicate early on, and stick to it no matter how much it hurts. You’ll survive it, but sometimes you gotta do the shitty things to set yourself up for success.
Wow I can relate. Feels like I could’ve written this.
My sister and i have just about reached the point of no return. I’ve asked her to respect my boundaries over and over again and she hasn’t stopped gaslighting me and belittling and mocking me. It’s gone beyond normal sister teasing. It really hurts.
I used to treat my sister this way. It was because I saw myself in her, and I hated myself. Now that we're adults we have a better relationship. I'm not saying that her behaviour is justified, but if she's bullying you, she's likely using you as an outlet for her own emotional pain. Things may change and get easier as you both get older.
Try to say it without too much emotion and consistency. If you lash out every other time you are no different than your sister
@@WillowMallabarI’ve got a very low threshold for this shit, so if I was treated like that it’s over, period, regardless of reasons why.
Family, especially siblings are sometimes the worst. You have to do what needs to be done to protect yourself.
@@chrystals.4376it’s often taught by the parents and their dynamic with one another so it’s not stranger if it’s internalized and re enacted by the children. If they all heal and take accountability, that’s where having a relationship can start
Recently had a long-term close friend of mine reach “the point of no return” with me. He bottled up all these small things and then laid it all on me 6,7,8 months later. Some big things to him didn’t seem too big of a deal to me at the time. It’s wild having a close friend cut you out of their life over things that could’ve been communicated over time. There’s no reconciliation when someone has reached that tipping point, even if I hadn’t seen it that way at all.
Last time I tried reconciling with him I realized that there was a wall. There wasn’t anything I could do to break down that wall, no matter how I approached the issues. It was his choice not to make improvements on the wall, and he ultimately decided that he wasn’t going to take the time to relieve this pressure he had with me.
The only thing that bothers me is that he was able to communicate and talk through his issues with me to anyone besides me. Leaving me feeling outcasted from our mutual friends.
That being said our communication patterns are different and looking back I could see that those differences were going to cause a breaking point.
Coming from a person in your friends position right now, he most likely tried, but either A.) didn’t communicate his grievances with you fully in order to not hurt your feelings, or B.) was ignored/brushed off by you in the past and felt that there would be no point in telling you. Cutting off a close friend is never easy, and it took one too many betrayals and multiple friends to finally convince me to do it. There’s no use getting caught up on what could’ve been. The best thing you keep do is to keep moving forward.
@@soapgod5554honestly i think so too. I do that with my boyfriend. I can't talk about his issues to him because when I do he always acts as if it's really silly for me to even get bothered by it or as if it's my fault and I'm not putting in an effort. that's why i stopped telling him altogether and i still don't have any issue with sharing them with someone else. from what i hear, he might have felt that too
@soapgod5554 I feel like I'm in that situation with my girlfriend, for some reason I am so afraid of talking to her about things I talk about with a close friend.
Wow, i am in this exact position right now, except i don't even know what i did wrong bc they never communicated it with me
If you find yourself gossiping behind a person's back frequently- really consider just saying that stuff to the person's face. That should be the only reason for discussing personal stuff with other people- processing it enough that you can address it with them directly.
I reached this point with my ex. After 6 years and no proposal, and constant breadcrumbing about the future and lack of effort, feeling like I had to move the relationship along all by myself while he coasted, escalating arguments when I tried to speak up about my needs, and doing most of the cooking and cleaning while living together, I finally had a nervous breakdown and broke up with him in a very messy way… which I’m not proud of. We have both hurt each other beyond repair I think. Very sad because we had an incredible bond and if there had been more maturity and better communication I think we could have had a relationship that lasted a lifetime. However, it takes two people to make a relationship work and that means taking your partners needs seriously.
I wonder if the “very messy way” was in a sense why he couldn’t pull the trigger. I had to end a 5+ year relationship because I just had seen signs of who she could become when she was really angry. I had still cared about her so I didn’t want to break it off, but I also was terrified of how much power she’d have with that anger if I did marry her.
What did you do…?
Sounds like he wasn’t excited to marry you
@@etagged clearly not!
Sunken cost fallacy. Just because you invested lots of time and/or money into something doesn't automatically make it worth anything.
Like in a poker game where you've clearly already lost, but you keep throwing money in the pot because you're hoping for a miracle that you rationally know won't happen but emotionally hope for.
You think you had an incredible bond because you see things from your perspective. Obviously this was not what he was thinking or feeling, or he wouldn't have led you on for six years and no effort. (It hurts, but it is the truth) Relationships function if both people do the work. Remember to put yourself first now that you've gotten out of this bad situation and avoid getting back with him or jumping into another similar relationship where you are not valued for your kindness and who you are.
The Netflix show “beef” reminds me a lot of this idea of resentment building up in a relationship but not wanting to let go because of what you had in the past, to the point where you can no longer go back due to the damage done
They were very dramatic about it, haha, but yeah. Love to see appreciation for “beef”.
Hated that show, dysfunction personified.
Resentment is fictional. You think and act like thats untrue?
It’s amazing how similar so many of our experiences are. I’m so glad that I’m in my 30s and have pushed through the hell that was my last long-term relationship. I’ve now met someone after a couple of years of being single, who is the exact opposite of my ex, and we are clicking so beautifully. I didn’t know it was possible to be so compatible because I have always forced myself into relationships with people I was not compatible with. A little advice to anyone who is younger or feels they need love from someone to validate their life, you don’t. Find happiness inside yourself, and you’ll know true happiness. Corny as it is, it’s 100% the truth.
It’s really hard to know what true compatibility is when you’re young. I have a bf of 2 years and for the most part we are very compatible. But then we started arguing a lot and usually we make up and find a solution but i feel like i people please a lot and he doesn’t see when he takes advantage of it. Also sexually I’ve been having issues cause I don’t think we’re truly compatible in it. Any advice?
Wise words.
@@mayamonth8533 if you’re unhappy, don’t be afraid of breaking things off. But also, don’t be afraid of the occasional disagreement or misunderstanding. It’s all about how you’re communicating those misunderstandings. But if you don’t feel satisfied or truly content with your partner, it may be time to reevaluate where you stand. It’s not easy when you love someone but it’s better to be alone and have the potential for a better match than to force something with someone who’s just not the one. But it sounds like you’re going to figure it out. Just remember, don’t people please so much that you give all of yourself away. 🩷
Often when reaching that threshold of disrespect,because you let so much go often the trigger could be a small thing, its met with shock and a lot of push back, which hurts even more because the fight that ensues to justify your feelings can escalate if the other person is really adamant about not seeing the issue, or brings up a bunch of things to deflect the focus of the conversation.
I'm fairly certain my ex did this. I voiced MULTIPLE times how her relationship with an old friend that recently rekindled marked a change in her behavior. "I just don't see it..." was her response. Multiple times. Having seen her suddenly have a zest for life when he was involved. Able to drag herself from her computer desk no problem. Not "I understand that you feel that way and will try to consider your feelings because you are important to me." I was crying to her, telling her how I felt alone with her. How she didn't make me feel like I was supported. Or heard. Sure cuddles are nice but so is an ounce of reassurance or consistency. When we started dating? We spent hours talking. What did she and he do? In my kitchen. Until 1 or 2 am? Drinking? OFTEN! Talked for hours. I kept telling myself i was just jealous of their friendship. So i kept letting it happen. I wanted her to have a support and friend group. After 2 years of supporting and encouraging her to take care of herself. I literally moved her home and deceased mother's belongings Multiple times. All at the very last minute because she would bottle everything. I finally hit the breaking point when she kept giving me attitude about a parking spot after our stuff was locked in her storage unit due to her nonpayment. I just wanted her to let me help.
Yet I said something that couldn't be taken back when i had finally had enough and I regret it deeply. The hardest part is not knowing for sure weather or not she was emotionally cheating with him. I just hope she's safe and happy wherever she is.
Well said
The way I put it to my ex was 'There is no apology available to you, beyond a time machine, to make it to where I see you in a positive light again.'
I wish I could send her this video to explain to her why I don't want to see her, but I don't want to talk to her.
Yeah this pretty much happened to me, too. My ex took no accountability for her words or actions and just expected me to be ok with it. She felt entitled to speak to me however she wanted and had very little control over her emotions. that made me lose respect for her that could never be recouped.
Ask someone else to do it for you?
@@jamespostle6894 one-sided relationships...we learn, and hopefully do not repeat...life is too short.
As many people have said, the timing of this video is impeccable. I was the one who hurt my partner (emotionally) to the point of no return. This video has been extremely helpful in my self reflection. I wish I could send this to her but we are trying to go no contact.
This is so true that once you break the trust, there’s no way you can restore it. People really should perceive it as a fragile precious vase.
Break trust? Did a human slave/other animal break your trust at any point of time?
Last week my boyfriend called me by another woman’s name while I was upset and then said he was just joking and when I asked why he chose to “joke” like that and he said he wanted to see how upset he could make me, and i just feel like that might have been my last straw. I’m not sure what to do though.
Sounds like a narcissist, leave for your own sanity 🙏
No girl. You like drama. This is not normal dude behavior
My advice, don’t listen to the people that want you to leave the relationship because misery loves company. Wait until you’re calm, cool and collected… Weigh how long you’ve been in the relationship, if you have children, live together, etc. Why you’re with him to begin with, what’s his good qualities… Lastly what led to the disagreement or fight and what role you played in it… Be honest with yourself because you might choose to leave him now and someone might choose to leave you later…
The behaviour you describe is straight up emotional abuse and cruel, and it is not right to treat you that way.
break up immediately
the average person is straight up violating boundaries like it's second nature. we should teach about boundaries and harrassment etc even when it doesn't pertain to intimate relationships.
I consider myself to be the average person, so please enlighten me.
Do you consider yourself average, above average, or below average?
If you think that then you don’t get it yet I was like you too
You need to work on yourself
@@daviddavidd3745 police, parents vs their kids, street interviews asking what "size" to random girls, driving tailgating, standing way to close to people in lines lol, theft, harrassment of employees, the list can go on but don't take this as an attack on you. we cant normalize this and we can do better. i personally wanna be better. just cuz i dont feel it harrassment doesnt mean it isnt
We really should. Especially when you grow up around toxic parents. My sisters never got all the therapy I did and they cross boundaries all day and get angry when I try and set them as if Im the problem. They don't see how unhealthy our narcissistic mother made our boundaries.
Having authentic takes has always been a strong suit of yours. I like that you blend in your lived experiences into the video's.
I have experienced this “point of no return” in a relationship and that one saying is true, how it’s never truly over until It’s over. there’s a certain amount of time that you could tolerate someone coming back and letting them in up until they say something really hurtful to you, you just hit a checkpoint where it becomes a dead end. when I randomly started to realize this, I basically became tired of shifting around my values/morals all the time , knowing i did have personal morals and standards. also being attached to this person, for the validation and for the fact that I feared being alone. when you are trauma bonded to someone it seriously is no joke! It’s all mental. I feel a lot happier and less stressed as a single person now and I’m grateful that I didn’t waste any more time with this person who was just straight up disrespectful
i feel like im in the same situation ..i have hope maybe he'd get better along with me, but then again we're early 20s and im already hanging on by a thread.. do you think we stand a chance?
What bothers me is that some people will end a relationship, not because you have taken them for granted or showed a pattern of disrespectful behavior, but because you made a mistake or said the wrong thing.
I'm not talking about severe mistakes, like cheating, not listening to their boundaries or going after people's insecurities, although those are just bad choices. I'm talking about people who end the relationship because you did something wrong, but they don't tell you what you did wrong. They just give you the silent treatment and let resentment build up while you don't know what you did wrong. They honestly think that they shouldn't have to tell you what you did wrong, you should just know. Those people are extremely toxic and they should be ashamed of themselves.
Those people don't really break up because you did something wrong, they break up because they're self-centered, immature and unsuited to serious relationships. Some people get over this, others find partners willing to be their doormats for the rest of their lives, and I'm sure a goodly portion of them will just complain about how they can't seem to stop dating assholes/sluts/idiots/immature people/etc and the cycle repeats.
Sometimes the mistake is just an excuse, not the real reason
Those people are manipulative. It's definitely better if they break up with you, at least they leave you alone
This take is toxic. You may not consider "what you did wrong" to be a big deal, but your friend absolutely did.
You continue to not respect their threshold and instead choose to place blame on them because you "did nothing wrong."
@UnBR0k3enAngel how are you supposed to know what you did wrong if your "friend" gives you the silent treatment instead of directly telling you? Giving someone the silent treatment is a form of manipulation. You're not a good friend if you do that to people. Same goes for people who would rather just spread rumours instead of confronting you.
My girlfriend of 6 years just broke up with me, and i believe I've always been honest, careful and showed her my love and appreciation, she did something unthinkable and i cant tolerate that disrespect but still love her this video may work for me because it came in the exact moment so thanks
Was it something just between the two of you only?
Wait she broke up with you, but she did something "unthinkable"?! If that means what I think it means. In Biily Butchers voice: *"Have some god damn self respect!"
Syke, i feel like shit once again fellas
@@Blur2221
I suggest consulting a therapist instead of a youtube comments section if you have unresolved issues that are having a very large negative effect on your life. Respectfully.
i was actually the main reason for the breakup and the biggest one was actually contempt. It was my first relationship and one of the big mistakes i made was showing our heated moments to others. Instead of listening to her i listened to the others around me and they fed my ego. Other things like resentment and disrespect were also prevalent
You're learning and growing and trying to be a better version of yourself. Keep that energy! 👍
same, he had broken my trust and resentment had started building up
I learnt that talking to someone about their behaviour depends a lot on if i think anything will improve by doing so. Too often, people are defensive and you know all that will happen is you'll regret saying anything and be the one crying and apologising. I attract those sorts of people. In the end, I just push them away instead or reduce contact. Depends on the severity of the behaviour.
If you bring up a problem you see, and end up apologizing, there's a chance you're dealing with a narcissist. (Narcissists are created by environmental factors over decades btw, it doesn't tend to be "built in" from the beginning.)
Had a friend be so resentful of me that I started having anxiety attacks when I was around her. It took one comment where she resentfully talked about potentially hating me out of jealousy. I had to get away. I did my best, I had been her friend for years. I’m in therapy now, I do struggle with setting boundaries so I’m working in that.
Set them the beginning is difficult then it gets easy
What I think is interesting about the point of no return is that as people change, we can come back from that point. My best friend and I reached the point of no return a while ago, and we just separated, not talking for years after. Then, life brought us together again. We started to talk a bit, and we realized how much things had changed. We never really said anything about our fight, we just grew closer again over time
While it’s fantastic that you two were able to reconnect after such a horrendous falling out, if you haven’t already, I believe it would be a good idea to address your fight- to clear the air.
I’ve been grieving my breakup on and off for over a year now. This video was super helpful in unpacking what happened between us. It honestly was probably an accumulation of almost every point, but what probably pushed him over the edge was when I said something in the heat of the moment that I’ll never be able to take back. I took him for granted. I’ve realized (much too late) that I’ll never find someone else like him. Learn from me. Don’t take your significant other for granted
girl im the same position as you. yes breakups suck, but when yk it was your fault, you are just never able to let go :(
To the point about the "mental load", I can sort of relate. I used to work somewhere in retail that I was constantly concerned about the "housekeeping", which meant keeping the backroom clean and organized, keeping products on the shelves in the right place, making sure metrics were green and basically, that the ship was run tight. Not having these things done gave me a sort of anxiety, since the downstream effects of little things not being addressed created a set of adverse circumstances that irritated me (like, not being able to find the item I needed to sell to a customer, or even just simply not being able to make sense of my surroundings when everything was an unkempt mess). Needless to say, it was frustrating when coworkers didn't share my sense of urgency around making sure things were taken care of. I'm fortunate enough to work somewhere now that people seem more considerate about themselves and others, and I don't feel like the "only" one who cares about things getting done. The difference is night and day.
Once you make the work to do better. People around might felt your changing behavior's that will no longer suit them. So you growing to be concern about people lack of care. While you keep level up and leaving people soo behind you on the race.
OF course this will let you to better job opportunities but people around you that cant keep up, might take it with bad light.
Good for you.
This is how I feel about the people I live with 😭
There's a similar concept in programming called "technical debt," where taking shortcuts and never fixing them makes it more difficult to do any related work down the road, I'd recommend searching it for those interested
It can be all too easy to be short-sighted and kick the can down the road to the next coworker, shift, month, etc. Good on you to be forward-thinking that way, and it's good to hear you found a team with others who agree :)
@@supershot8335 kicking the can down the road is a great way of putting it, and it's exactly how I feel. I don't want other people to do with the consequences of my bad decisions, even if it seems like I've got the blessing of a superior to do so.
It's crazy to think how sometimes, all it takes is one sentence to destroy years upon years of an established relationship. Of course, there was this build-up of uncertainty and confusion, but at the end of it, all it took was one thing they said and in that moment, you realize whatever was between you two is beyond repair.
I had my ex say two of the most painful things I've ever heard.
1. "Love is like a power outlet. It all comes from the same place. The only difference between you and me, and me and any of my other friends, is that we have sex" - Said after being together for about 3 years.
2. "Are you just gonna follow me around like a puppy dog?!" - Said around 4 years when we were walking to class in college while were talking about moving in together.
Resentment is putting it lightly.
Should of left him after the first thing tbh.
@@ChurlzVA
No doubt. Telling you that you're absolutely nothing special in her life is a less-than-subtle sign that she's ready to break it off with you.
an ex and I tried to salvage a relationship where I had made mistake that was irreconcilable for them... they no longer respected me and there were constant jabs towards me. knowing what I know now I should've recognized the respect was gone and ended the relationship sooner. I'm still sitting with alot of resentment even after the relationship has ended as I unpack all the disrespect... recognize the signs of building resentment or disrespect early and end things before they get nasty
Sins don't go away, the truth doesn't change, sounds like she got her pound of flesh. If you want someone to be considerate of how you feel give that, otherwise why would you expect to EVER get that. There is no healing or forgiveness.
it's funny cos deep down, we all kinda know about it, but refuse to put words and thoughts on it in our everyday life. then shit hits the fan, and you're like "ugh, all the signs were here'
we humans truly are fascinating creatures
I will give a real example. I used to do public speaking. I had a public speaking coach. I walked up to give a big speech in front of 100 people at a hotel. As I got to the lectern I saw my coach bad mouth me to someone else and say that I was hopeless and stupid for speaking. That ended any mutual coaching relationship with him and I couldn't get motivated to give speeches after that; I know that it let him win but I couldn't continue. That was too much of a tipping point.
I have been in an abusive relationship before so I can vouch for the fact that everyone has a limit. I've been trying to get better at spotting red flags not only in others but also in myself so that I can undo those red flags and be a partner when the time arises. I've got a good feeling about you and this channel, thank you for doing what you do.
Are you being kept as a slave?
@@bunk95 Thankfully no, and I've been cut off from that person so they can't continue to cause me direct problems.
Just wanted to say I have been following your channel for a little while and just noticed you mentioning you’re a postdoc now rather than a phd candidate, so I wanted to say congratulations on finishing your phd! That is a big achievement and I can’t wait to see your work in the future 💜
Ian Fleming's short story coined the expression "quantum of solace" for something similar.
When your partner has said or done something that is beyond a certain threshold of the acceptable bounds of having any regard for the your well-being.
At the end of the video you say don’t get complacent, but what I think what should have been said instead is, some endings are inevitable. “Don’t let someone lose respect and attraction for you” is not something you can really control. Someone could leave you when you are depressed, out of a job, etc. and these decisions have no moral attachments.
I’m watching this because I hit this point in a past relationship and with a couple of friends. Always said it felt like a switch had been turned off, and suddenly I wanted nothing to do with them anymore because all I could see was the bullshit.
I recently broke up with my best friend because he was abusing me for quite some time. We had absolutely reached the point of no return where I got angry at the previous abuse that I let slide as well as a line that was crossed that was unacceptable period. Once you reach the point of no return, the other person needs to realize that it’s also time to give up as well because the person who has reached it now only feels indifference towards you and doesn’t have a bone in them that cares for you anymore
My most recent ex would completely disrespect me, show contentment towards me and project his insecurities onto me but will beg on his knees and cry for me not to leave. Once he saw that I was at a point of no return he then proceeded to say heinous things to me. This video’s timing was rly somethin
Like what things ?
I experienced the ick which eventually led to my breaking up with my ex not too long ago. I knew she had things she was working on in herself, which is why i was so understanding and patient with her needs. However, it came to the point to where i noticed i started walking on eggshells around her. Any time I tried to communicate abt an issue or something that bothered me, she became so defensive that I couldn't even be honest anymore. I started protecting her from my emotions bc she had a huge victim complex and couldn’t deal with the idea that she was the cause. I realized that she wasn't as understanding and caring abt me as i thought she was, and anything she did gave me the ick and i was annoyed by it. Even on the day i talked to her abt breaking up, she came up with excuses for everything instead of truly listening when i talked abt things that hurt me and bothered me
I think the thing people don't mention when talking about contempt is that it's a moral emotion - it's a response to a perceived moral deficit on the part of the other person. Contempt usually doesn't show up out of nowhere nor can it just be repressed because it's bad; when people conduct their lives in immoral ways, contempt is the natural response. It's only really possible to respect someone who behaves in a respectable way.
Hmm, interesting but I have very different point of view on that. Exactly the opposite to be precise. My ex-wife started to display contempt for me the same time she started having affair(s) with her coworker(s). [At least this is what I've noticed backtracking what happened in our relationship and when, when I've got some evidences]. I guess what happened was that every time she saw me I was reminder to her that she is not loyal, and she knew that but wanted to supress that by belittling me. In part I agree with you, I contempted her later when I've learned what she was doing and she had no will to fix anything.
agreee
Contempt is not immoral or moral. You can't box it in like that because it's more general.
@@xxyxyxyx Wouldn't you feel contempt towards a pedophile? What about a terrorist? Recognizing something as immoral isn't immoral - just because you don't like being judged for being a bad person doesn't make those who recognize you as such bad
I dont agree with that, I think feeling and holding onto contempt is as "immoral".
In my last relationship I definitely was the one who got the "ick" treatment. I have always been unmotivated, slow and quite depressed (while thin) and my ex was very hard-working, stressed and driven, with lots of work, lots of sports. Over time she hated me for the way I am and she built up a lot of contempt. Once she chastised me for my cleanliness habits (which I didn't object to, as I wanted people to tell me what I could change), pressured me to "do more" about myself, which wasn't really good for my mental health, so that created a panic attack once when she pressured me to move in with her. After she broke up with me in a somewhat nice way, I wanted to ask her one last question about the relationship, and she exploded on me with a furious rant about how much she was disgusted and ashamed of me. That probably didn't really help with my low self-esteem (which is a very "polite" way of describing how I felt).
Yeah, so that's how it can feel if you are the "victim" of the "ick". And yeah, that was clearly the result of an incompatibility here.
My thing is, why did she take it further when she knew she had issues with you?
@@TheNinja94a "I can fix them"
Yeah that's the thing people don't seem to get about the ick, it's that you're not compatible, not that ones the goodie and ones the baddie
I didnt hear any redeeming qualities of her, why did you even stay bro? You can do better
@@TheNinja94apeople are too scared to do what they already know they want to do and wait until they can do it.
This is such an important topic.
I’m currently experiencing this and I had been wanting to understand what I’m experiencing more so I can navigate my way safely through it.
I know my relationship is going to end and I want to get out of it with the tools to make sure I’m going to be okay.
I feel this way about my father. Except that when the disrespect threshold gets broken, i am too afraid to say anything and I just break a little more inside
It's not in English but there's this amazing song by Cho Shu Nie called Asphyxia, it has some really strong insights like "I always believed the pain you gave me would turn to love" or "too far gone, but still you carry on. And now tou break a little more"
Really captures the hopeless feeling of it
This came at a perfect time.I just ended a long term friendship. They consistently needed me but would not be there for me when I needed the,m. They’d also continuously make bad decisions in their life that would effect our friendship for example they continued dating toxic abusive men and would ask me to take part of their plan to get back with them and in a way out me in danger and recently they continuously asked for financial support to travel disregarding my finance goals. When I attempted to set a boundary they would assume I disliked them. It hurt me so I’d usually bend and disregard my own boundary to not hurt them. And recently they did just that they disrespected my boundary… I even asked for space but they didn’t want to give me space and instead said horrible things to me. She showed up a week later at my house attempting to make amends and I no longer felt the same. I became emotIonally drained. I felt at peace once I knew I could walk away knowing I at least attempted to set the boundary.
the title of this video instantly reminded me of a conversation i had during the last couple months of my last relationship. so much resentment had built up that what i was saying to them made me think "how can we come back from this?". and the fact that was an actual question i had to ask (beyond all the other violation of boundaries in this specific relationship) was such an indication that there was no return and we would have to end it.
my ex girlfriend developed all of these for me. She had a 7 month affair and essentially scammed me for a lot of money and time. The whole saga has affected my self esteem and and self worth immensely
Im not saying 187……but damn
Become Sigma male
whats 187?@@jaealexander403
I would say I had 2 points of no return with my mother both of which confirmed her contempt for me🤔 1- when I was 16 she told me I wasn’t suicidal and I just needed to pray more. This told me she doesn’t value my opinions and believes my feelings to be childish 2- several years later she said I only used her for money and didn’t care about anyone but myself. This confirmed that she thinks of me as a horrible person and that I was selfish and not “human” in her eyes. Frankly I’ve given up on trying to make her value or respect me in any way and simply work to make sure we have boundaries. Hopefully one day we can talk as family but for now it’s just playing with fire and me refusing to give her the reactions she wants anymore
I have a similar dynamic with my mother. People like this have an idea of you in their head; how you act and what you say doesn't change that image. So in that example, if you try to talk to her about why she thinks you're only using her for her money.. if you try to ask why, and present evidence that shows it isn't true, nothing you can do can change her mind. It's a really horrible way to be and I hope I never end up like her. I feel exhausted after years of trying to communicate with her and I can't do this anymore.
I mean she’s not wrong about prayer. You’d be surprised the movement God puts in the pieces on the board. Have faith and He will help you with a good will.
Your parent will never see you as anything more than their child. No matter how much you've grown, what you've accomplished or how much they've aged.
@@LifestriderXstop, just stop. Talking to yourself wont fix suicidal ideation.
My mom told me she would value my words more if I gave her money. She has never cared for me as an individual, moreso just what I can do or be for her. It's disgusting and exhausting
I wasted 7 years, don't let yourself get comfortable
Heavy 😇
I clicked on this thinking it was about the point of no return when starting/building a relationship but Im not disappointed at all. I loved it
I'm still waiting for an explanation for something that happened earlier this year during a falling out with a friend group. I never got an answer or explanation or anything. Just "we dont like you anymore" and then the random bullying in the group chat started when I didn't even say anything. Another "friend" who I would have called a sister just a month prior gave me the silent treatment. These weren't middle or high schoolers either, they were college students. I can't believe I wasted so much time with them.
This happened to me at 21. 💔❤️🩹 I'm 32 now and never think about them if it helps.
Was there a kind of "leader" among the group? Someone that kinda felt like the center who glued everyone together? This kind of situation really sucks because even if you did do something wrong within the friendship, you dont even know what it is to be able to adress it and fix it. Just know that whether you did nothing at all or you could've been a better friend, you didn't deserve that response.
@@marsinator3675 no but there was a core group and my difficulties began with 2 people in the core group. Since I was not a part of the core and was instead a later addition to the larger group I just think people didn’t really feel the need to be loyal to me or stick up for me.
I've recently dealt with the same kind of thing with my (ex)friend group. I lost 7 people. They don't talk to me at all anymore so I dont know the exact reason. I called one of them out for emotionally abusive behavior and because I was the only one to do so I came across as the asshole of the group, I guess. I was rocking the boat and they didn't like it.
I’d love to see a video on how exactly we can avoid taking jabs at ppl we love and not snapping at them in the heat of the moment due to stress or whatever else. This is something I tend to struggle with and would love to stop pushing away the people I care about
For me, a recurring situation that preceded the breakup in some relationships was perhaps the other side of contempt; when that 'superiority' was expected from me. That I was expected to always be the 'stronger' one of the two; be it emotionally, economically, socially, in attitude / behavior, or in other aspects. And while I met that expectation, all was fine; but at the moment that for whatever reason that reversed (be it because my S.O. was better or because I was worse, on enough of those aspects), it wasn't long before the other person wanted to leave. Felt like I was not free to be weak without paying a price for it.
After those, I came close to developing some toxic traits; about being desperate about avoiding any weakness showing. That felt terrible; the idea that when I was having a bad time, instead of being able to be open and share it with your S.O., I had to not only deal with whatever bad situation I was in, but also to be desperately trying to hide it, for fear of the possible consequences; which would leave me worse than I already was.
Instead, now for me it has become a major red flag when I detect that type of expectations being put on me by the other person.
It isn't just romantic relationships guys!!! I got the ick in a job interview or meeting someone at a party. I was right - we weren't compatible!
Me too, in a job interview
I recently lost someone so precious to me. I made a mistake and hurt her. She felt disrespected and heartbroken. I really do regret what I did, but I know the damage had been done. I really wish at that time I didn't get too complacent and thought of her feelings more. I really miss her and still wish things could work out between the two of us, but I shouldn't expect anything. Things just went too fast
Being the one who pushed my loving partner away even though they loved me, but i was too emotionally manipulative without even trying to be, i really appreciate this video. It is helping me learn and grow, because i grew up around these behaviors and i want to change it❤️
The last thing I remember my ex saying to me was "Just die already." That was it. It finally sunk in that he didn't love me. He didn't care about me at all. He wished I would just die.
My very first boyfriend was immature and toxic that he really suffocated me in the relationship. To top it all off, he didn't hide his interest for one of my close friends and another girl in our batch mates back in college. It literally broke me inside how he could do such a thing, but at least now I'm in a happier relationship with a guy who gives me peace.
I am someone who was brought up to be very hateful and judgemental of people who I dont understand. This has led to me not knowing what my 'true' feelings are, having my thoughts be ones of hate and truly believing it but also wishing I didnt.
This makes the ick harder for me to deal with because I am aware that the things that I am getting the 'ick' about are things like thinking someone is 'cringey' which means that I am actually not able to appreciate all of the wonderful and nice things someone does for me, because what they wear is so offensive to me..Feeling this as a gut feeling and wanting to elave, but knowing that I dont want to be aomeone who judges people on their clothing choices. Yeah its fine to not like someones style but I want to be someone who loves person for how they treat me and not for something a simple as fashion sense. It makes me really torn up inside
I think what’s important here is you recognize your faults. No, you’re not where you want to be, but the fact this is tearing you up inside is good. Wanting to do good is half the battle. Wanting to change is a huge step that deserves credit. Keep going.
My ex was like this. Miserable way to live honestly, I mean that very sympathetically. It's not fun.
I think my ex had your problem..not in the clothing aspect but she sure fucking hates when someone tried to be nice to her and she was also brought up hateful and judgemental
I commend you for turning yourself in a new direction, well done. Wishing you the best
Watching this after “the point of no return” and i’ve been waiting months even years to see a Neurologist. I have Epilepsy and it is destroying me, I try not to blame it on the seizures but this rage and burst of emotion always comes out. Especially here in the USA it is difficult having your license suspended. Having your girlfriend look at you with uneasiness whenever you go out for a drive. All i want is her back but I know she is gone and nobody will see this. I just want my life to go back to the way it was before.
“Don’t get complacent in relationships”
Best advice you’ve ever given. I think this deserves its own video.
for my last relationship it was resentment starting from forgetting her birthday and continuing by me not being good with planning dates. nothing we ever did could make up for forgetting in her eyes. i finally made commitments to do better after months of her asking me to take her on more dates instead of the other way around, but by that time it was too late. i don’t know if i can forgive myself for making them feel how i did.
Forgive yourself and do better next time. That's all you can do.
I second raven's point
Just do better next time.
She was already telling you what she needed and you were ignoring it. All you can do is listen better next time to the needs of your partner. Everyone is different and needs to receive love in different ways.
I know the advice is “listen better next time” but I feel like it’s not that simple? My boyfriend broke up with me for a similar reason. We hadn’t gotten into any huge fights but he definitely expressed the feeling of not being heard but I never picked up on it. He decided to break up with me to prevent himself from fostering resentment towards me (because he valued the friendship). Maybe I was too caught up in my current problems and my forgetfulness was becoming an issue. Either way, I really don’t how to be better other than to avoid relationships altogether. I try really hard to listen but it’s just not working out for me.
Can you talk about incompatible needs and why a partner can end the relationship due to overwhelm, commitment issues, and thinking people have the same needs all the time? In my perspective, the needs change and so do we, so partners should have kind of the same vision on this topic
I prompt you with the other wheel. For me, needs dont change over time. People do. So while we need to eat, share social/talk, and sleep. We might want to eat different food over time, have different kind of talk. Or the sole wanting to change the arrangement/colours of our space.
So it might be that you "want" something different, but is not the same as "need".
Usually comes with the fact of some short of "taking for granted what you have" so that you no longer value the same way.
Thats what I think about the whole issue.
with needs in relationships I mean seeing your partner more often, or needing more time for oneself, or prefering to see your partner twice a week instead of every day, show public affection, or be honest and communicative, etc.
There are needs that change (e.g. how often you see your partner) and permanent needs (e.g. honesty, communication).
The needs that change are due to contextual/external variables: is it exam season at uni? then one might *need* more alone time to focus, others *need* more partner time to feel energized for exams. Other examples include: drastic life changes (job change, family member death, etc.).
However, I do agree with your point about wanting something different (meaning, another partner) because you no longer value your current partner. I think this tends to happen when couples become more stable and long-term, in which we kinda lose focus/interest because we're so used to them. But by no means I would think that as a reason to break up, it's just what the current dating culture offers. @@carlosemiralonso7997
I haven't watched your recent videos in a while, so this is the first time I've heard you introduce yourself as "Dr.". Congratulations🥳✨
Had this with my friend of six years after we moved in together, they refused to acknowledge that they had done things wrong and had hurt me, and I kept trying over and over to reexplain how I felt, how these things came off to me (was a very eye opening moment to reread “why does he do that” and read “the emotionally abusive relationship” and see that they were never going to get it no matter how much I explained and pleaded) and I just had a point where I told them not to talk to me unless it is pertaining to closing the lease on the apartment (which didn’t stop them from yelling at me when they felt like it)
There was only so much I could take, I had to stop and say “I’ve done my best to try and mend this, and they are not willing to meet or acknowledge that effort, so we’re done” and just walk away
I just realized that the gone with the wind title is related to that lost love that endured hardship and finally was blown away
It's hard to get dumped but it's worse to get dumped on. I got rejected three times before I found someone that was a better match for me. I'm now living a pretty awesome life compared to what I had to put up with before. Sometimes the best thing someone can do for you is to get out of your life and make room for something/one better.
Better things are coming lets gooo
This all sounds like my ex.
And I never picked up on it, after 3 years together, and 3-4 months since she just walked out, until last week when I found some things that proved my memories were real... She'd convinced me I willingly gave up some extremely important parts of myself, and that my memories around why I wasn't doing those things weren't real.
0:00 Yes! That’s one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIES!! 👍
my last relationship ended because of the ick. The reaction indeed is visceral and feels out of control, although I tried to fight it a long time...
7:10 most guys are like "I don't understand why *you* are stressimg out about this, you don't need to, I am not making you, you are making you and I don't understand why you're shoving that stress on me, or acting in unreasonable ways with poor communication and poor respect for my boundaries"
I know I'm never going to date anyone again but this is still good information for me to reflect on the past.
I am the type with low threshold. It's not hard to be nice, it's not hard to be trustworthy. The best part about having a great career and my own home is that i do not have to tolerate mediocre people.
0:50 a much classier version of the modern “body count” debate. 4:45 reminder. This isn’t just romantic. Friends you’ve spent thousands of hours with, and thousands of times you try to enforce the same boundary, a boundary they’ve also expressed to you, and you’ve adjusted. I just stopped caring about their boundaries because it made me feel so worthless to have people who’ve been close to me for years disregard such simple shit I was already keeping in mind and putting in practice for them. It’s like playing chicken now whenever the boundary comes up. 9:37
It's so refreshing to hear an expert talking about relationships in general, rather than those short videos with imo often hazardous content.
Wow. You have just described my marriage. Me being neglected and my values being ignored lead to me feeling no respect for my wife and crossing the boundaries. We split up a couple of months ago but are still trying to get on and possibly work things out.
Thanks a lot.
Or just don't
This is the most helpful and validating there’s no going back “it’s time to break up” video I’ve ever ever seen Ty so much
I have experience with this topic and I will give my view. I think the "point of no return" often happens due to a refusal to apologize in a timely manner. A genuine, heart felt apology and remorse can do wonders to mend fences between people. I think most people would be willing to forgive a loved one if they received an apology within a reasonable amount of time after the "injury" took place. If I cause someone an emotional injury this is brought to my attention, I will immediately want to apologize and restore honor and respect to that person that I hurt. If I want to be prideful and stubborn and refuse to apologize, then I have only myself to blame when time passes by and resentment sets in. By then it is too late and the relationship breaks down. Pride goes before the fall.
That is exactly the situation I am experiencing. The question is how long do I wait for an apology before telling them that the door is now closed, and no more communication is possible?
Apologize or fake an apology?
@@bunk95 Well, I think that it's very easy to tell if someone has true remorse when they apologize and also when they don't. I am never fooled by fake apologies. Even the wording is passive aggressive and manipulative.
i come back and watch this video around once a month. not because i go out of my way to, but because i think about the content of this video a lot. it explains so much about my relationship that it really hits home.
Damn. Gotta say, i haven't gotten through your whole video yet, but i can clearly see how genuine you are in your desire to simply help people. That alone, to me, is absolutely heart warming. Let alone touching on your advice.
Thank you for being such a dope human being. I hope people are as good to you as you are to this world.
Anna, the timing of this video is impeccable
I experienced "the ick" with a former friend when I found out he had a particular fetish, I won't say what because even saying it might be too much for most people and possibly triggering. I know it was for me. He never partook in it, he consumed media depictions. My view of him changed instantly. Friendship ended instantly. And even though I hear he went to therapy and is no longer into that, I will never view him the same.
This reminds me of the “ick” response Rick and Jerry got from learning why “the talking cat” could talk at the end of that episode from the show Rick and Morty.
It me be something really disgusting
This channel is perfect. Her videos should always be on my recommended page.
The mental load thingy blew my mind, that is exactly what is happening to my parents xd Didnt know that it was that common tho, my mom took the planning very proactively
I appreciate that these are not over pathologized ideas. I feel a lot of language people use in these types of relationship videos just create walking "coaches" that can not hold a relationship to save their life due to their "understanding." I love the simplicity. Keeping it simple is so much more relatable to most.
Only people I hear Ick are from 20 somethings that haven't had serious relationships, so I always dismissed it as a silly buzzword. But now it's making more sense.
as someone who has been on the receiving end of "the points of no return"- i understand that juvenile mistakes often include replicating parental mistakes or flaws. even so, i respect myself to know that actual change in a person is only possible through actionable apologies. when people consistently show up kinder, i can find myself forgiving them easier. others? well,, i forgive them but i keep my distance, because i'm smarter than that.
This happened to me with the mother of my child , we had him at a young age and I was so immature. I was never taught about boundaries or respect. Maybe I was but I certainly wasn’t those things with her. I crossed the line too many times and she left me, I love her so much but it’s too late. Why is changing so hard ? I’m trying my best but it doesn’t feel like enough. I think I have made progress , I wish to have someone to love one day.
keep trying, you will be better everyday and get what you want. hope everything goes well for you :)
Keep conditioning yourself to be aware in the moment when these things happen. The more you check yourself, the less you need to do so and then one day you'll notice that you've changed a significant amount. That's how it was for me, though I'm constantly working on myself every day. Being a good person isn't a given, you need to work for it. it hurts and is harder for oneself when you hurt others. This realization helped me build discipline. You can so do this, I wish you all the luck ❤
This video made me feel insanely depressed
same
This has really helped me with a relationship I'm trying to prematurely end right now! Thanks!
That is why I heal, I've been in an abusive family before & it hurt physically obviously cause it showed & but most importantly mentally. Especially earlier on as a child. The older you get you'll see what it truly was & forgive just as I have for mine. But as the saying goes- "Scar's can heal but can't disappear." You just have to learn how to use those scars for good just as Do I. ❤
I wasn’t able to admit to myself how much they hurt me after they dumped me all the cruel and painful words they said echo in my soul. After a month they came back I at the time was very happy we’d been doing long distance and they dumped me 2 months before I was coming home. They told me about sleeping with someone for 3 weeks after dumping me and that destroyed me. I was willing to still love and care for them I disrespected myself. When I came back home they didn’t put in the effort I put in to see them and on the final day I realized how hurt I was and also realized they never cared for me enough. When I started becoming distant after leaving they started pushing to talk to me more and at some point I just didn’t give a damn anymore. They’re no longer in my life and I’m better for it I now am talking to someone that actually cares and actually puts in a effort in everything they do with me sometimes even if you love them with everything you have nothing will change because they just don’t feel the same way.
One of your best videos so far, breaking your msg down clearly! Thank you!
Yes after 8 years of push and pull , with an avoidant ex who dismissed abandoned , cheated I finally drove the line and said enough , part of me still loved him when I did but looking back some things he’s done cannot ever be undone , he left in the middle of my cancer recovery two weeks later he was with someone else’s who lost I had a mental breakdown , enough is enough , he is reaching out wanting me back , I gave him the bird !😅
About the first one: you say everyone has a tipping point, but the problem is that sometimes you can get in a position where you don’t let yourself see their disrespect as disrespect. I had a friend a few years ago who I was way too emotionally dependent on, as she had been the first person to really make me feel important. She abused me nigh constantly over the course of a year, but I just assumed she was reacting to something I was doing wrong and just hated myself for her behavior. In the end, I wasn’t the one to end the friendship. She got tired of my reactions to her abuse faster than I even realized what was going on was abuse.
Abuse is abuse dont tolerate that
@@ΑντρέαςΣωτηρίου-π8γ ...What did you mean by this? Do you think I did it on purpose?
Years of "gridlock", disrespect, and dismissal turned me into a person who often said cruel things during (the same) argument because it seemed like the only way to make an impact that couldn't be spun to suit her argument/shift the goalpost. You truly do hit a point where you don't care anymore and you resent the person that you're with, especially when they make no effort change their actions or understand why you feel that way. In the eyes of everyone around us the things that I said completely masked the years of disrespect I had endured and I no longer have any friends from that time in my life as a result. The shame of who I was in that relationship won't go away for a long time but thank you for laying this all out in a way I can truly listen to and reflect on.
The real point of no return is as soon as you can't be yourself around them. Ranging from simple gestures to full blown blockage of words or topics you can't say when around them. F that crap and walk away.