My childhood friend told me she was being SA by her uncle when we were 9. She made me promise not to tell. I told my mom and told her she couldn’t tell. Luckily my mother just said “I’m sorry, that’s a promise I cannot keep”. She reported the abuse to my friend’s parents and then the police. My friend was terribly angry at me for over a year but she wrote me a letter thanking me when we were 13 and said it saved her life. Report immediately, offenders can have 20-100 victims if they are not stopped.
@@1sonia my mom is a SA abuse survivor herself, she had a terrible childhood but would die before letting another child have to go through that. Thank goodness she kept us safe with everything she could, even mistrusting 99% of males - but I can’t really blame her.
Agreed. Not only does it leave countless people (including the daughter) at risk of being also being molested or worse, but this opens the whole family up to immense guilt in addition to the pain.
@@rickjames4031You can have empathy for the parent that's torn between their child's wants and needs. They can feel bad for reporting and still report. You should always report but you need to consider your daughter's feelings while doing so.
My mom and dad insisted on going to the police the day she found out which was 11 years later. He was convicted and put in jail at the age of 72 when I was 16. As an adult I admire them for going to the police instantly.
Absolutely- and the reverse is true - the long term impact when this 13 yr old is an adult, she will be additionally be devastated her parents didn't press charges
An angry, violent dad and a parent who wont protect her from him or her molester is 100% creating a young woman who will be abused again in the future.
Yes where is the consideration for her to heal at? Focused on these peoples selves. Their own emotions. So stupid and infuriating from the outside looking in. I completely understand the husbands anger and the moms sadness but not their inaction
I can understand why no parent wants to get their child involved with an investigation and trial. GROWN WOMEN don't report a rape because of not being believed.
u@@GramCracker77exactly. The daughter is scared and embarrassed. She naturally just wants it to go away. The caller doesn't want to retraumatize the kid by forcing her to go through a police process she's upset about. It's tough
I mean, if someone forces your kid into something they didn’t want, it can be hard to convince yourself to do the same. The difference, of course, is that having a child abuser reported and sent to prison is what’s best for you, your kid, and every other kid; they just don’t realize that yet. It’s not ideal to make good things compulsory, but it’s far far worse to let bad things off the hook. The perps just take that as evidence that they can get away with even more and hurt even more people.
My biggest hesitation would be re-traumatising my child through the court/investigation process. People are pretty happy to utilise police instrumentally to enact petty retribution on their neighbours, or to dob in the local car hoon- but inviting police into your intimate lives, and entrusting them with your traumatised child is incredibly vulnerable. And unfortunately people often don’t have very high regard for the way police departments are run. Not saying that that makes it ok not to report. But I think the whole “we told the pastor” phenomenon, likely boils down to the fact that, their pastor is a figure who they are already familiar with, and presumably trust. You don’t know who you’re gonna get on any given day in a police department. It would be terrifying to invite strangers to start questioning your child about a traumatising event, in a sterile room, in a strange environment, that has deeply entrenched punitive and criminal associations, as well as a public who has a constant simmering suspicion of corruption. That’s not even to mention the entire legal process and court proceedings. Many rape victims report being more traumatised by the court proceedings, trials and cross examinations etc. than the assault itself. All that to say - I don’t think it’s weird at all. I have great empathy for these folks. Of course people should always report it. But let’s not pretend that there aren’t still huge costs, risks, and terrifying unknowns to contend with, on families who do report. Easy to sit in an ivory tower and pass judgement - not so easy to sit down w it h these victims and their families and understand all the nuances and gory details that drove their decision making - for the better or worse.
My biological father molested me at 15. I told my mother when I came back from his home after my summer stay with him. She didn't call the police she only called him and yelled at him. That was a pivotal time in my life with trusting people, I stopped trusting everyone. I'm 47 now and am in therapy once a week because I'm trapped in a 20 year abusive marriage. That's how little I thought of myself and my value with other people. Please please stand up for her and report it. Because we take it with us into adulthood....😢 But most importantly be there with her, even if to just sometimes sit in silence, it means so much more than you'll ever know just to have someone beside them without having to always use words...
I had a mom who "kinda" understood that was bad, but not in a radikal way a parent (or anyone) should. It makes the survivor "kinda" understand that the shame, worthlessness, and disgust are properties of the perpetrator, not the victim, but they can hardly have true certainty about it. It keeps the perpetrator's and the victim's person swerled together in one blob of infinite revulsion. I am living in this hell as well. Undecicive people contribute greatly to the perpetrator's work.
My abuser started molesting when he was at least 15 years old. I was 6. He was my neighbor but based on the grooming behaviors (which I now know for what they are), I was likely not his first. I didn't tell. It haunted me for decades, though, in ways that even now at 46 I am still coming to terms with and trying to understand. I always wondered where he was, if he ever got caught doing it to someone else. Then about 10 or so years ago, I did an online search (one of many) but this time on one of those mugshot sites. And there was his face staring back at me, decades older but I will never forget that face. He was in prison, arrested years prior for multiple counts of child rape. They don't stop, they escalate. This is why her parents need to tell the police. He will - HE WILL - abuse others and he will escalate.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, I am glad he was finally caught, but what a trauma for you to wonder and beat yourself up over the "what ifs". I hope you have found a trusted person you can talk to about all of this stuff. That is a lot of burden for one person to carry.
Wow. Our stories are almost the same. Mine was a neighbor, he was 16, I was 6. I was friends with his little sister who was 12. She lured me to their house for him. I’m certain he did it to her too. My parents knew and did nothing. Years later I heard his sister had a baby. I had two of my own kids by then and I just became so concerned with keeping her baby safe. I went to the police. They brought him in and he confessed to everything, even worse than I remembered. They told me there were complaints from other neighbors, even a child in his family all around the time he hurt me, but no charges were ever pressed. A week later they told me they couldn’t press charges in my case because of statute of limitations laws. So he went free. I was so angry that he knew it still bothered me. That he was free to do it again. The police told me they knew who he was now and could keep an eye out for him. But the sad thing is, he has to do it again to someone else and they have to come forward. How does that protect anyone?
I read something that said all these dads that boast "my daughter would never be a victim" are creating an environment where their daughters are ashamed and afraid to tell them. It makes sense.
@@BakoBoi it is sad but it is true. Tragedies happen to families of all types. Things that couldn't be prevented or controlled. That's why they are called a tragedy.
For real... it's not a choice to not be a victim. Sometimes it just happens. I'm a smart girl but was recently taken advantage of by someone at work. I felt so stupid that I just kept quiet and smiled while it was happening. I did research and found out it's an evolutionary response called fawning that means to keep us safe. There was a lot of shame at the time though that I didn't know how to leave the situation.
@@melissab3217when it happens, it’s almost like your brain shorts out. Like, is this really happening to me? It takes time to reconcile the events. You aren’t alone in this response. I’m the one my friends seem to look to when a guy gets handsy and they don’t know what to do. They joke that I’m outspoken guard dog. Truth is, it came from being a victim of assault, twice. I’m not a man hater, but I learned carry myself differently and react to red flags faster. Just remember, if they get away with doing it to you, they will do it to someone else. If you can’t report it for yourself, report it for the next girl who may not have your strength to deal with it. ❤
I don’t know. It’s like you can’t say anything as a parent anymore. You know every dad who has ever said that means they would protect their daughter. I don’t know why the solution is. Every parent child dynamic is different. I guess, just constantly remind them they can talk to you. But even then , some kids don’t tell.
I was in the daughter’s position, and because my parents were so emotionally immature I could never tell them. Child predators seek out victims that can’t tell. I see a lot of that here and it hurts.
You have to report it, also please don't mention to anyone that your husband might "take action". If the pervert goes missing police will go for your husband first. If your husband takes action then that's between him and God. That pervert can rot in hell
As someone who has studied psychology but not a psychologist. A lot of people and parents of minors who had this misfortune, minors do not have the innate ability or ( mastered this to an acceptable level) of perspectives. She wants to protect herself and all but she does not have the ability to place this event as a piece that is just for that moment and WONT LAST! As adults we have matured enough to have that ability to say this event is not ALL and ONLY what's in my world. As adults it is our job to try to help the maturation of that ability. So she may be mad at you now and her emotional maturity as result of this crap may be slower or stunted but at the end of it (it may be years) she will be grateful. I had a friend a year younger than me and she told me stuff like that as a teen and I didnt knew much but I had a sense to make her play the protector of futur victims so she had to tell her mom or I would to protect others and the guy was arrested a few days later. Her mom was always grateful that she had a friend she could tell (cause I felt guilt not telling her straight up and letting her daughter do what had to be done) her secrets to if it wasnt her. I look back at it 10 yrs after all that, and I think it was her way of saying thanks for that peculiar incident and what you did. As a parent, I know the most important is our loving relationship with our child(children) and we fear that being taken away more than anything, but remember that what's right and our conscience is what get us through the day! Always ! My prayers and love to your family and thanks Dr! Your advices are worth it's gold mine in goodness and times of need!!
Someone needs to tell the caller's daughter that speaking out about this will be protecting other children her age. Her siblings, friends, cousins, etc. That she will be a hero for going through with this. Whether she wants to be one or not, she will be a hero. And one day she will look back on this and realize that speaking out, as difficult as it was, was the right thing to do.
Unfortunately many times the victims don't feel this way. My daughter was molested at a licensed daycare and 12 years later she still struggles and doesn't feel like she did the right thing by telling because the court process can be more traumatic and it goes on for soon long. We just had another court hearing a mo th ago.
Gotta be careful/gentle with this mindset. I got told by multiple people that I would be responsible for future women getting assaulted after getting date raped by not opening an investigation. I met with a cop who told me my case had little chance of a legal payout, so I didn't go through with it cuz the odds were low. It doesn't make me responsible for future people this person potentially can hurt. Not that I'm saying you're wrong in it's good to put scumbags behind bars, but I think a decent amount of victims/survivors do not want to feel like they're somehow responsible for the actions of another. IDK if I made sense with that, that's just my own experience.
I totally get your sentiment for having the opinion that the daughter should be told this. However, I fully agree with what the other comments here say. When I finally went to counseling the (female) therapist did that very thing to me. And it was said in almost an accusatory way at that. Like, how could I not be ashamed of not speaking out more about what happened to me. And didn't I realize how many ppl could have been put in danger because I didnt speak up before. Even though it had been years since it happened to me, it shocked me so bad & made it feel "fresh" all over again. I felt the same shame & embarrassment as I had when the incidents happened to me. That's just too much pressure for an SA victim to process, especially a child.
It’s so hard though when you’ve been violated and then you’re forced to face your abuser. I’ve been there 😢. I never told my mom about the first one that happened from 3 to 6. I finally told her about the one that happened 11 to 13. I was threatened that my mom would be killed if I told anyone and that he would kill me. It’s so terrifying to process as a child. It’s so hard to go through it all after you’ve already been traumatized so deeply. I STILL deal with that trauma in my late 40s.😭 So many survivors do! It affects so many different areas of our lives. She’s blessed to have a good, supportive family behind her!
@@candicejohnson44that’s was so freaking tough. I hope your daughter is in therapy and healing. That trauma never goes away and follows you into your adulthood if it’s not healed.
This is the 3rd case I’ve listen to from in Idaho falls. Same thing. My husband’s family is from rexburg. They’re very good people but the vibe of where they live is so conservative, sexual abuse isn’t reported, and if it is, to the church.
@@jabc4748 Not to mention the former policy chief for Blackfoot PD publicly discussed not providing evidence kits used in sexual assault cases as he viewed them as young women “changing their minds” after a good time.
@@jabc4748 yeah, as a former ecclesiastical leader in the LDS church in Rexburg, the moment I caught wind of anything we went to the police. We were mandatory reporters, and I regularly implored the congregation that if they see something, say something. There was a lot of sexual abuse in that neck of the woods, I'm sure it's pretty similar rates in most places, there were just looser lips when it came to the rumor mill. I was blown away with how victims, parents, and teachers treated sexual assault in that area. I'm now an ecclesiastical leader in Texas and I can confidently say that those same ideas of shame and concealment are normal, but people wouldn't report in Idaho.
because its easy to say 13yo child and not think of them as a person with their own opinions, thoughts and feelings... at that age they are very emotionally delicate and being in the situation of actually having to deal with that as a parent, would have a lot of parents asking 'what do we do?'... pursuing the legal path will be traumatic in its own right for their daughter, not to mention the risk of other students at school finding out, which could lead to bullying, anxiety, depression... so depending how she feels about the actual incident, the repercussions of reporting it could be even more traumatic in ways than the act that doesn't change the fact that its the right thing to do, especially considering that the predator will continue until stopped I'll also add that here in the uk, having spoken to many women about first experiences, its not unusual for girls to lose their v between 13-15 by choice, usually with a bf around their own age around their own age or a tad older... a lot of parents have an idea this is going on, others have it happen behind their back... my point being that, depending on circumstances, her parents finding out, going to the police and going through the interviews, may genuinely hold more trauma over a longer period than the actual incident the main issue is that there was an adult involved that needs to be stopped, and unfortunately she's going to get caught up in that, even though she seemingly just wants to put it behind her
Why can’t parents just be honest and say to their daughter, after thinking about this we have realized we could not legally, ethically and or morally uphold our earlier promises.
not to justify their actions but i bet for them it feels like they will be taking authority and control away from her all over again. Also if they decide to pursue legal action, the daughter will have to go through forensics, meaning doctors will be touching and swabbing her in private places.
She is 13. She shouldn’t have a lot of authority and control. Girls and women need to realize they have to do the Adult thing and get checked by a doctor to build evidence instead of making the allegations years or decades later.
@@sococomfort22s34 This is a bit iffy for a few reasons. 1) Few people after being sexually abused then want to/are able to undergo intimidate & invasive examination. 2) You use the word ‘girls’ but then go on to say they need to do the ‘adult thing’. Most adults find reporting something terrifying & not an option. It’s even worse for kids. 3) There are a variety of strong reasons why people don’t report their abuse until much later & many of those reasons are valid. It’s not simple. But, in this case, obviously the parents need to report & it is their duty to do so. I agree on that. It’s the second half of your comment that lacks nuance.
If the daughter has to go to court then she may be further harmed. It depends on the legal consequences. Certainly if she didn't have to appear do it. If not do not do it. Your daughter comes first.
I was abused by my uncle. I told my parents when i was 17. They tried to protect me and help me at that time. But they didn't report it, we're in Canada, so i don't know what the law is. But they don't do much to these guys here. Still, I'm looking back, I'm 38 now, and i wish my parents had reported him immediately and let the cards fall where they may. I'm still standing in a demolished "house" that is my life, that I've spent a lifetime of trying to rebuild with nothing but ashes. In fact, i look back now, and i see where I've struggled so much, and always felt like i was failing at everything, now i know i just had no resources. The devastation never stopped. Even though a select few people knew and believed me, I'm still living in the shadows. I know my parents tried to honor how i felt. My sister and i were terrified, we couldn't comprehend the idea of telling anyone or being asked questions about it. But it just perpetuates the shame.
The common narrative for (adult) sa victims is that they should not be forced to report or testify against their will. Many choose not to report because the odds of being believed are not good and it would just be traumatizing to go down that road and never receive justice. I think this is why it’s even a question because the general view is that forcing someone to report is retraumatizing. HOWEVER, I think with children this whole paradigm shifts because their parents need to make that decision.
@@alessiacollia4268 This is such ridiculous nonsense. Either report it or don't expect to be believed. If you claim someone did it to you, but it's just too hard to tell the cops, but you can definitely tell me and everyone else, it's fair to call cap. The proper response is to call it regretting consensual sex at that point. Go to the cops. Report it. The first thing that has to be done to get over trauma is to face it. If you're a parent, your kid doesn't get to make the call, you do, and you better do the right thing and step up to the plate. Maybe you strike out, and the perp gets away, maybe it comes out that your kid made it up. But you have to go to bat for them either way.
@alessiacollia4268 I was sexually abused throughout my childhood and never said anything and when I did no one really cared. Everyone needs to read your comment, it's exactly why some victims never tell. I still won't to this day.
Move forward, your daughter will thank you later. If my parents had done something sooner the last 16 years of my life could’ve been a whole lot less painful.
You are incredibly brave and strong! I am sorry your parents did not meet their responsibility to you. I can understand, to an extent, if parents don’t want to put their child through the legal trauma of talking to the police, having to testify and so forth. But if the child is willing, there is no excuse. Depending on the severity ( I am not quibbling, any adult that even speaks sexually to a child is criminal, but I am talking the difference of touching vs , words fail me, penetration I guess) there should be police reporting and whatever help and support the child needs be provided.
I think you have to go to the cops and press charges. You can’t let a 13 year old make that decision. You are the parent and need to take the responsibility of that decision off of her and make it for her.
Whole lot of commenters who didn't watch the video before posting. My heart goes out to them. I know they made the promise, but some promises you just can't keep. She will understand one day.
Great advice! This happened to me as a teenager. Mom had died a year earlier. I had dad. I knew i couldn't tell him. The rage would have been unbearable. I have held this secret for 60 years. Please take your daughter in your arms and love her. Don't make her responsible for your anger, even though it comes from love.
The dad calls in later and they did report it. There were apparently other victims coming forward in that follow up call. The dad was on edge and Dr John talked him down.
You have to report it. Your daughter was not the first and won’t be the last victim. You have a chance of removing a predator off the street and preventing more harm to others.
So important what John said about kids being afraid to say things for fear of the parents’ reactions. That results in a kid who gets really good at hiding things and lying, and ending up co-dependent. Dad needs to learn to process his anger in a healthy way so that he is a safe place for his kids.
@@lorainefleeman6011it’s not empowering at this point. She’s traumatised, terrified and vulnerable. She feels embarrassed, small and ashamed. Putting the responsibility of other children’s well-being on her right now will crush her. It won’t feel noble. It will just add more confusion, disorientation and heaviness. It’s a lovely sentiment for sure. But it just doesn’t pan out that way in reality for childhood victims of sa. Her feelings need to be centred right now. Her parents need to take charge of the ship and the courts need to do the heavy lifting of making sure it doesn’t happen again.
@meghan8020 I was 7 years old and reported it. Yes, it does pan out that way. It was very empowering for me, and I'm glad I stopped someone from hurting, possibly even killing, kids again. I understood that at 7 years old. She understands that herself. The only way the courts can do that heavy lifting you talk about is by her reporting it.
A 13yr old is not capable of making this decision for her parents, it will come back to haunt them all Report this to the authorities immediately and in time the child will be glad you did
It must be emphasized that it is not the daughter's fault, and that she has nothing to be ashamed of. The person who hurt her should be embarrassed, punished, and imprisoned. My prayers are with her and her family.
Because kids blame themselves in situations like this. She is a powerless 13-year-old. She feels shame. She feels guilt. Who knows; maybe the guy threatened her in some way. He probably told her no one would believe her if she told anyone. M0lesters are cruel manipulators of their victims. She simply doesn’t have the judgment of an adult.
@@susangrande8142 In addition to this, it's possible this could have been someone like a friend's relative (and she's scared she won't get to see her friend again), or a coach (and she's scared she won't get to participate in the sport again), or someone online (and she's scared her phone would be taken away), stuff like that which result in a significant negative thing in her perspective happening in addition to the abuse. It's also possible she thought it was her fault this happened to her (which is a common manipulation tactic of predators)
"They're gonna marry guys like that." A BILLION PERCENT. It's a huge reason why I'm 36 and never married. Massive struggle to see through a different lens.
My dad was the most peaceful man you could ever meet. He showed no anger or rage when he found out about my molestation at the age of 6. No rage or anger when my sisters husband who was 11 years older than me forced himself on me. You know what I looked for? That rage and anger. I spent 17 years in an abusive relationship because I thought that control, jealousy and willingness to fight meant he would fight for me.
@vsand9798 I completely understand this. I'm sorry you had to survive that. The people who should've protected you, didn't. You didn't deserve that. 💛💛
Yes her dad going to prison would be traumatic. However whenever a molester/pedophile can abuse kids and then all they get is a few years in jail and some BS probation, what's really stopping them? I think it should be a cultural norm that if you get caught molesting kids you pay with your life, done deal, no questions asked. When molesters get the memo that they will be executed by the family for these actions I think the amount of sex offenders would go WAY down.
No abuse victim will be grateful for their parent choosing revenge over providing direct love & support. It’s tempting but you have to choose your child. They need you there for them, not locked up because getting payback was more important than being there for them.
As a victim of sa from 5 to 8 who didn't speak out. Its gard enough to speak out, but if the abuser is someone lnown by family or in the circle, the child will never speak out knowing they will be responsible for Someones death. Maybe their dad or cousins father, or mums father etc. It will also mean more adults are going to put pressure on that child to not say anything.
I think the mom if she would look into the crystal ball 10 years from now, that girl will be so thankful her parents stood up for her and reported it, whether it be an uncle, grandfather, family friend, etc. Fast forwarding realizing they saved dozens of other girls trauma at the hands of this man, but also I promise that girl will be so thankful in the long run.
@bradleymaravalli I am a private person and my private life good and bad isn’t open for discussion now or ever! Exposing trauma will only further traumatize many victims. Respect women’s wishes when it comes to private matters.
I think it's incredibly important to listen to kids & to honor as any of their wishes as possible but this is simply not one you cannot keep away from the police. you have to press charges & you need to support her & be her backbone rn. she is going to be so angry but it'll be worth it.
A friend of mine was molested by a cousin. When she told, the family was annoyed she didn't tell sooner and continued to have a relationship with the person. And I saw firsthand how that broke her. He had no consequences and went on to have a daughter who he named after my friend. When she told me this story, I wished her family had gone to police. I worried about the safety of his daughter. In my struggle of whether to call or not, her abuser got Covid and died. So at least we don't have to worry anymore.
I had a sister that was 11 years older than me. Her husband came into my room when I was 15 and got on top of me. I got groped, kissed and fondled against my will. Before that I had suffered a sexual assault at the age of 6. I thought not again, so I fought with everything I had and he eventually got off me. I told my parents, they did nothing, just like the first time. My sister blamed me because of his lies. Then I found out he did it to two of my cousins. So I told anyone in the family who would listen. Nobody seemed to care. So I separated myself from them. One of my cousins once told me I was “just so angry”. I guess that’s what happens when your blood doesn’t stand up for you.
When I was a kid my friend told me she was being SA'd by her Dad. She made me swear not to tell but I told my mom and while my friend hated me she was safe.
The daughter needs to be taught what is right and she needs to learn that regardless of her feelings, taking legal action against a criminal for heinous crimes is the right thing to do!!
Her daughter needs her dad to be strong and support her. This will be one of the biggest things that will help her have a chance at healthy male relationships in the future.
Perpetrators do not stop until arrested and jailed. Dad, your daughter needs you. You will not be there for her or your wife if you are in jail. These perpetrators have lots of practice evading. He may be out and you in! Dad, you are thinking of yourself and your anger, not your daughter’s emotional and physical needs. She needs you around and aware to feel any kind of safety.
I feel this woman's heartache and pain, but she has to be strong and be the parent. She has to report it even if her daughter does not want to. I pray they find a good therapist to work through this. And I hope the husband does not get in trouble. Nightmare!
When I told I was too young to understand what I needed and now I resent my parents for not taking care of me. A child doesn’t always know what they NEED.
I finally reported my abuser. When the investigation was going, the detective said I wasn't the first. That's what kept me from backing down, I wanted to do everything in my limited power to stop it.
The perpetrators almost always make you think you're the only one. But, it's so far from the truth. It's all about power, and not attraction or love. It's about easy access and vulnerability.
Even though it seems quite natural, that this has to be reported to protect the next victim, there is really no right way to handle this. The burden of protecting others is too big for the minor, the justice is never really being served and the court proceedings are endless and sooooooo hurtful to the victim. It's retraumatizing over and over again and there is no hero feeling involved at all. The violation ruins so many areas of their young life, the reporting ruins even many more. It so sad and angering that young females can't live in peace anywhere.
I understand this is one of the most difficult things a parent can go through, especially thinking you will hurt your daughter by promising to respect her wishes, however you are the parent and john is 100% right you have to report this.
Dr. Delony...you are the man! I haven't watched one of your segments where your advice is off. How do we laypeople find help as sound and earnest as yours?
There is no "honoring a 13 year old's wishes to not do anything about the person that molested her" so not sure why she had to struggle with something when it was SUPER obvious what she had to do.
It’s obvious to you; it’s NOT obvious to the kid. She’s embarrassed; humiliated; she thinks it’s her fault at some level. You’re not thinking like a 13-year-old girl. She is a child. Children believe they cause stuff to happen.
I am crying watching this. And I’m 55. Experienced inappropriate sexual contact from those I should have trusted. Told mom. Yet….those reactions from parents are almost as detrimental to your long term emotional and mental health as the acts themselves. Dr John you are spot on as always. I pray for this family! ❤
Victims, especially children, think it's their fault. If dad shows his anger, she's going to think it's her fault. She'll regret telling him. If he expresses it in front of her, which he should in a healthy way so she knows dad loves her and wants to protect her, he must explain he isn't mad at her, he's mad that someone did this to his baby girl. 😭😭😭
I wish when my dad found out about what happened to me I would have seen him show anger. I wish I could have seen something out of him. I thought he never cared about what happened to me.
Very very powerful ending. You made me cry! The story with your child was incredible. We need more moments like this. I shared this. I think now days we lack communication within our families as much as in the everyday day to day activities. Have we lost compassion or understanding. You took the time with your child showed you loved her and were there no matter what happened. I really love your show.
If I were a parent, the daughter being a minor.....and other minors might be affected after this....I have to report. To save her and her her justice and to save other kids. Minors don't get to drive this train.
You should empower her, she needs to know that her abuser is not in control and will not keep her silent. You know what is best even though fear is keeping her from knowing that.
Overall great advice. Most think it’s obvious but it’s also how you communicate it and you did it. I will say idk how I feel about going in on the father like that. Obviously (and based on some of the comments maybe not so obvious) he shouldn’t go out and hurt the guy risking being taken from his daughter. But it’s so easy to say (simplifying), “the father is acting like a toddler for wanting to hurt the man who molested his 13 year old daughter” from an outside view. Especially if you’ve never experienced something that traumatic first hand. I have a daughter myself and it’s so easy to hear what John is saying about keeping composure for the sake of your child (which of course is right) while not knowing at all how I would react if something like this happened to my daughter. Again, don’t condone violence. But acting like he is just overreacting is a bit of a stretch.
I don’t disagree with you but I think the real reason John was going in on the father was because his rage filled reactions to things are probably one of the reasons why the kid didn’t want to tell the parents or report it. If I were a child and I thought my father might totally blow a gasket and even physically hurt someone who hurt me, I would probably hesitate to say anything
I can understand why the daughter doesn't want to report it. As confusing as this may be for anyone to understand, she doesn't want the person to "get in trouble". I know it doesn't make sense but that how victims thinks. The mother needs to explain this to her child and tell her that she didn't do anything wrong and that it wasn't her fault.
I think maybe she doesn't want to get into trouble herself. Interrogations by the police, gynecological examinations, other people get to know - including very likely people from school. It can be a total nightmare and possibly even worse in the beginning than what happened. But it's a right thing to do to stop the pedophile and probably good for her in the long run.
I’m a mandated reporter. If she is not 18 then you don’t really have a choice. She may be upset. She probably will. But she is a child so when do you plan to report?
Rhe predator probably threatened this child. She's scared. She's only 13. She's the child. I'm sorry, this should have been taken to the law, immediately. This mother sounds like she is numb, and she should be in protect mode for this child. The child doesnt even need to know. The school has a mandatory responsibility to report this. I would ask the school to step up, and call.
My childhood friend told me she was being SA by her uncle when we were 9. She made me promise not to tell. I told my mom and told her she couldn’t tell. Luckily my mother just said “I’m sorry, that’s a promise I cannot keep”. She reported the abuse to my friend’s parents and then the police. My friend was terribly angry at me for over a year but she wrote me a letter thanking me when we were 13 and said it saved her life. Report immediately, offenders can have 20-100 victims if they are not stopped.
Wow. Your mom is a hero. Calling the police apart ❤
@@1sonia my mom is a SA abuse survivor herself, she had a terrible childhood but would die before letting another child have to go through that. Thank goodness she kept us safe with everything she could, even mistrusting 99% of males - but I can’t really blame her.
Your mom is a bad ass.
Thank you for saying something. You’re very strong and your mom is amazing
You're awesome.
SHES 13!! It’s not HER DECISION!!!
THANK YOU !!!
I am a survivor. You are so correct. She doesn’t understand how horribly it will affect her in the future if the police aren’t notified.
I yelled this at least 4x throughout this episode!! Omfg PLEASE protect this child.
The husband’s rage would be mitigated if a report was made.
Agreed. Not only does it leave countless people (including the daughter) at risk of being also being molested or worse, but this opens the whole family up to immense guilt in addition to the pain.
to even think about not notifying the police is absolutely insane and reckless
have some empathy for their situation dude. Its wrong to not notify yes ofc.
@@CapeEniEer no empathy for those that don’t protect their own. If you wont protect your own children, you won’t protect any children.
I’d agree but a lot of parents don’t report it.
Unless you're gonna fix the problem yourself, always call law enforcement.
@@rickjames4031You can have empathy for the parent that's torn between their child's wants and needs. They can feel bad for reporting and still report. You should always report but you need to consider your daughter's feelings while doing so.
My mom and dad insisted on going to the police the day she found out which was 11 years later. He was convicted and put in jail at the age of 72 when I was 16. As an adult I admire them for going to the police instantly.
Absolutely- and the reverse is true - the long term impact when this 13 yr old is an adult, she will be additionally be devastated her parents didn't press charges
An angry, violent dad and a parent who wont protect her from him or her molester is 100% creating a young woman who will be abused again in the future.
This enabler mom is the problem.
Yes where is the consideration for her to heal at? Focused on these peoples selves. Their own emotions. So stupid and infuriating from the outside looking in. I completely understand the husbands anger and the moms sadness but not their inaction
@@MoneyMoneyMoney-wv4fh wellnot everyone knows how to process these things. chill out
that's a bit dramatic and, frankly, way too harsh.
Wouldn't it be weird if the dad didn't want to kill the person. Still can't believe two adults are not reporting this.
Same. It's normal for him to feel this way but they have to take it to the police about the abuser
They reported it. Father called in aswell . So sad hé is soo troubled by all this
Exactly. If this was my daughter, (and I didn’t have anything left to live for worth staying out of prison) I would go FERAL.
I can understand why no parent wants to get their child involved with an investigation and trial. GROWN WOMEN don't report a rape because of not being believed.
u@@GramCracker77exactly. The daughter is scared and embarrassed. She naturally just wants it to go away. The caller doesn't want to retraumatize the kid by forcing her to go through a police process she's upset about. It's tough
They won't stop molesting.... You have to press charges.... How many kids is he going to to mess up before he is stopped....
The title just threw me off. Why do people call the cops on everything else but to help protect kids. Weirdos
What's the deal with tell the pastor instead of the cops?
@Keke Jefferson: I definitely agree. The pastor is not going to get the justice needed in these types of situations.
Embarrassed or financial ties
I mean, if someone forces your kid into something they didn’t want, it can be hard to convince yourself to do the same.
The difference, of course, is that having a child abuser reported and sent to prison is what’s best for you, your kid, and every other kid; they just don’t realize that yet.
It’s not ideal to make good things compulsory, but it’s far far worse to let bad things off the hook. The perps just take that as evidence that they can get away with even more and hurt even more people.
My biggest hesitation would be re-traumatising my child through the court/investigation process.
People are pretty happy to utilise police instrumentally to enact petty retribution on their neighbours, or to dob in the local car hoon- but inviting police into your intimate lives, and entrusting them with your traumatised child is incredibly vulnerable. And unfortunately people often don’t have very high regard for the way police departments are run.
Not saying that that makes it ok not to report. But I think the whole “we told the pastor” phenomenon, likely boils down to the fact that, their pastor is a figure who they are already familiar with, and presumably trust. You don’t know who you’re gonna get on any given day in a police department. It would be terrifying to invite strangers to start questioning your child about a traumatising event, in a sterile room, in a strange environment, that has deeply entrenched punitive and criminal associations, as well as a public who has a constant simmering suspicion of corruption.
That’s not even to mention the entire legal process and court proceedings. Many rape victims report being more traumatised by the court proceedings, trials and cross examinations etc. than the assault itself.
All that to say - I don’t think it’s weird at all. I have great empathy for these folks. Of course people should always report it. But let’s not pretend that there aren’t still huge costs, risks, and terrifying unknowns to contend with, on families who do report.
Easy to sit in an ivory tower and pass judgement - not so easy to sit down w it h these victims and their families and understand all the nuances and gory details that drove their decision making - for the better or worse.
My biological father molested me at 15. I told my mother when I came back from his home after my summer stay with him. She didn't call the police she only called him and yelled at him. That was a pivotal time in my life with trusting people, I stopped trusting everyone. I'm 47 now and am in therapy once a week because I'm trapped in a 20 year abusive marriage. That's how little I thought of myself and my value with other people. Please please stand up for her and report it. Because we take it with us into adulthood....😢 But most importantly be there with her, even if to just sometimes sit in silence, it means so much more than you'll ever know just to have someone beside them without having to always use words...
Your mother was probably worried about losing her child support. Not that it is a good excuse. So sorry this happened.
Mom wasn't receiving child support. My dad avoided paying that like the plague.
I had a mom who "kinda" understood that was bad, but not in a radikal way a parent (or anyone) should. It makes the survivor "kinda" understand that the shame, worthlessness, and disgust are properties of the perpetrator, not the victim, but they can hardly have true certainty about it. It keeps the perpetrator's and the victim's person swerled together in one blob of infinite revulsion. I am living in this hell as well. Undecicive people contribute greatly to the perpetrator's work.
@@elneia_artThat last line is so profound.
All it takes is for good men to do nothing, doing nothing shows what side they pick.
My uncle. I'm sorry for the devastation you are still facing.
Daughter is too young to see alll the moving parts. Perpetrator WILL move on to his next victim. STOP the cycle!!!
That's what the parents need to impress on the daughter. Cycle needs to stop!
13 year old does not get to decide. This has to be reported.
Duh. Pathetic "parents"
Robert morris pastor story now. Victim is 54 now and was 12 when it started. Parents found out when she was 16. They never reported it to police.
My abuser started molesting when he was at least 15 years old. I was 6. He was my neighbor but based on the grooming behaviors (which I now know for what they are), I was likely not his first. I didn't tell. It haunted me for decades, though, in ways that even now at 46 I am still coming to terms with and trying to understand. I always wondered where he was, if he ever got caught doing it to someone else. Then about 10 or so years ago, I did an online search (one of many) but this time on one of those mugshot sites. And there was his face staring back at me, decades older but I will never forget that face. He was in prison, arrested years prior for multiple counts of child rape. They don't stop, they escalate. This is why her parents need to tell the police. He will - HE WILL - abuse others and he will escalate.
😭😭😭
Truth.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, I am glad he was finally caught, but what a trauma for you to wonder and beat yourself up over the "what ifs". I hope you have found a trusted person you can talk to about all of this stuff. That is a lot of burden for one person to carry.
Wow. Our stories are almost the same. Mine was a neighbor, he was 16, I was 6. I was friends with his little sister who was 12. She lured me to their house for him. I’m certain he did it to her too. My parents knew and did nothing. Years later I heard his sister had a baby. I had two of my own kids by then and I just became so concerned with keeping her baby safe. I went to the police. They brought him in and he confessed to everything, even worse than I remembered. They told me there were complaints from other neighbors, even a child in his family all around the time he hurt me, but no charges were ever pressed. A week later they told me they couldn’t press charges in my case because of statute of limitations laws. So he went free. I was so angry that he knew it still bothered me. That he was free to do it again. The police told me they knew who he was now and could keep an eye out for him. But the sad thing is, he has to do it again to someone else and they have to come forward. How does that protect anyone?
Sorry for what happened to you it really drives it home and I wish someone reported it before it happened to you or anyone else
I read something that said all these dads that boast "my daughter would never be a victim" are creating an environment where their daughters are ashamed and afraid to tell them. It makes sense.
@@BakoBoi it is sad but it is true. Tragedies happen to families of all types. Things that couldn't be prevented or controlled. That's why they are called a tragedy.
For real... it's not a choice to not be a victim. Sometimes it just happens. I'm a smart girl but was recently taken advantage of by someone at work. I felt so stupid that I just kept quiet and smiled while it was happening. I did research and found out it's an evolutionary response called fawning that means to keep us safe. There was a lot of shame at the time though that I didn't know how to leave the situation.
@@melissab3217 it isn’t too late to tell but be careful
@@melissab3217when it happens, it’s almost like your brain shorts out. Like, is this really happening to me? It takes time to reconcile the events. You aren’t alone in this response. I’m the one my friends seem to look to when a guy gets handsy and they don’t know what to do. They joke that I’m outspoken guard dog. Truth is, it came from being a victim of assault, twice. I’m not a man hater, but I learned carry myself differently and react to red flags faster. Just remember, if they get away with doing it to you, they will do it to someone else. If you can’t report it for yourself, report it for the next girl who may not have your strength to deal with it. ❤
I don’t know. It’s like you can’t say anything as a parent anymore. You know every dad who has ever said that means they would protect their daughter. I don’t know why the solution is. Every parent child dynamic is different. I guess, just constantly remind them they can talk to you. But even then , some kids don’t tell.
I was in the daughter’s position, and because my parents were so emotionally immature I could never tell them. Child predators seek out victims that can’t tell. I see a lot of that here and it hurts.
You have to report it, also please don't mention to anyone that your husband might "take action". If the pervert goes missing police will go for your husband first. If your husband takes action then that's between him and God. That pervert can rot in hell
Yes 100% this.
As someone who has studied psychology but not a psychologist. A lot of people and parents of minors who had this misfortune, minors do not have the innate ability or ( mastered this to an acceptable level) of perspectives. She wants to protect herself and all but she does not have the ability to place this event as a piece that is just for that moment and WONT LAST! As adults we have matured enough to have that ability to say this event is not ALL and ONLY what's in my world. As adults it is our job to try to help the maturation of that ability. So she may be mad at you now and her emotional maturity as result of this crap may be slower or stunted but at the end of it (it may be years) she will be grateful. I had a friend a year younger than me and she told me stuff like that as a teen and I didnt knew much but I had a sense to make her play the protector of futur victims so she had to tell her mom or I would to protect others and the guy was arrested a few days later. Her mom was always grateful that she had a friend she could tell (cause I felt guilt not telling her straight up and letting her daughter do what had to be done) her secrets to if it wasnt her. I look back at it 10 yrs after all that, and I think it was her way of saying thanks for that peculiar incident and what you did. As a parent, I know the most important is our loving relationship with our child(children) and we fear that being taken away more than anything, but remember that what's right and our conscience is what get us through the day! Always ! My prayers and love to your family and thanks Dr! Your advices are worth it's gold mine in goodness and times of need!!
Have the Pervert lose his Manhood.
Great advice!
Someone needs to tell the caller's daughter that speaking out about this will be protecting other children her age. Her siblings, friends, cousins, etc. That she will be a hero for going through with this. Whether she wants to be one or not, she will be a hero. And one day she will look back on this and realize that speaking out, as difficult as it was, was the right thing to do.
Unfortunately many times the victims don't feel this way. My daughter was molested at a licensed daycare and 12 years later she still struggles and doesn't feel like she did the right thing by telling because the court process can be more traumatic and it goes on for soon long. We just had another court hearing a mo th ago.
Gotta be careful/gentle with this mindset. I got told by multiple people that I would be responsible for future women getting assaulted after getting date raped by not opening an investigation. I met with a cop who told me my case had little chance of a legal payout, so I didn't go through with it cuz the odds were low. It doesn't make me responsible for future people this person potentially can hurt. Not that I'm saying you're wrong in it's good to put scumbags behind bars, but I think a decent amount of victims/survivors do not want to feel like they're somehow responsible for the actions of another. IDK if I made sense with that, that's just my own experience.
I totally get your sentiment for having the opinion that the daughter should be told this. However, I fully agree with what the other comments here say. When I finally went to counseling the (female) therapist did that very thing to me. And it was said in almost an accusatory way at that. Like, how could I not be ashamed of not speaking out more about what happened to me. And didn't I realize how many ppl could have been put in danger because I didnt speak up before. Even though it had been years since it happened to me, it shocked me so bad & made it feel "fresh" all over again. I felt the same shame & embarrassment as I had when the incidents happened to me. That's just too much pressure for an SA victim to process, especially a child.
It’s so hard though when you’ve been violated and then you’re forced to face your abuser. I’ve been there 😢. I never told my mom about the first one that happened from 3 to 6. I finally told her about the one that happened 11 to 13. I was threatened that my mom would be killed if I told anyone and that he would kill me. It’s so terrifying to process as a child. It’s so hard to go through it all after you’ve already been traumatized so deeply. I STILL deal with that trauma in my late 40s.😭 So many survivors do! It affects so many different areas of our lives. She’s blessed to have a good, supportive family behind her!
@@candicejohnson44that’s was so freaking tough. I hope your daughter is in therapy and healing. That trauma never goes away and follows you into your adulthood if it’s not healed.
As a fellow Idahoan, I was not shocked to hear where this call was coming from. Small town minded folk have small town minded beliefs.
This is the 3rd case I’ve listen to from in Idaho falls. Same thing. My husband’s family is from rexburg. They’re very good people but the vibe of where they live is so conservative, sexual abuse isn’t reported, and if it is, to the church.
@@jabc4748 Not to mention the former policy chief for Blackfoot PD publicly discussed not providing evidence kits used in sexual assault cases as he viewed them as young women “changing their minds” after a good time.
@jabc4748 people that sit back while children are abused, molested, and raped are not good people. They are compliant to terrible people, at best.
@@jabc4748 yeah, as a former ecclesiastical leader in the LDS church in Rexburg, the moment I caught wind of anything we went to the police. We were mandatory reporters, and I regularly implored the congregation that if they see something, say something. There was a lot of sexual abuse in that neck of the woods, I'm sure it's pretty similar rates in most places, there were just looser lips when it came to the rumor mill. I was blown away with how victims, parents, and teachers treated sexual assault in that area. I'm now an ecclesiastical leader in Texas and I can confidently say that those same ideas of shame and concealment are normal, but people wouldn't report in Idaho.
Often the Mormon Church (& a lot of them in Idaho!) discourages any reporting of sexual abuse.
Why would you even need to ask if you should call the police??????
because its easy to say 13yo child and not think of them as a person with their own opinions, thoughts and feelings... at that age they are very emotionally delicate and being in the situation of actually having to deal with that as a parent, would have a lot of parents asking 'what do we do?'... pursuing the legal path will be traumatic in its own right for their daughter, not to mention the risk of other students at school finding out, which could lead to bullying, anxiety, depression... so depending how she feels about the actual incident, the repercussions of reporting it could be even more traumatic in ways than the act
that doesn't change the fact that its the right thing to do, especially considering that the predator will continue until stopped
I'll also add that here in the uk, having spoken to many women about first experiences, its not unusual for girls to lose their v between 13-15 by choice, usually with a bf around their own age around their own age or a tad older... a lot of parents have an idea this is going on, others have it happen behind their back... my point being that, depending on circumstances, her parents finding out, going to the police and going through the interviews, may genuinely hold more trauma over a longer period than the actual incident
the main issue is that there was an adult involved that needs to be stopped, and unfortunately she's going to get caught up in that, even though she seemingly just wants to put it behind her
Why can’t parents just be honest and say to their daughter, after thinking about this we have realized we could not legally, ethically and or morally uphold our earlier promises.
not to justify their actions but i bet for them it feels like they will be taking authority and control away from her all over again. Also if they decide to pursue legal action, the daughter will have to go through forensics, meaning doctors will be touching and swabbing her in private places.
She is 13. She shouldn’t have a lot of authority and control. Girls and women need to realize they have to do the Adult thing and get checked by a doctor to build evidence instead of making the allegations years or decades later.
@@sococomfort22s34
This is a bit iffy for a few reasons.
1) Few people after being sexually abused then want to/are able to undergo intimidate & invasive examination.
2) You use the word ‘girls’ but then go on to say they need to do the ‘adult thing’. Most adults find reporting something terrifying & not an option. It’s even worse for kids.
3) There are a variety of strong reasons why people don’t report their abuse until much later & many of those reasons are valid. It’s not simple.
But, in this case, obviously the parents need to report & it is their duty to do so. I agree on that. It’s the second half of your comment that lacks nuance.
If the daughter has to go to court then she may be further harmed. It depends on the legal consequences. Certainly if she didn't have to appear do it. If not do not do it. Your daughter comes first.
They know their daughter and she knows what happened, somethings off.
I was abused by my uncle. I told my parents when i was 17. They tried to protect me and help me at that time. But they didn't report it, we're in Canada, so i don't know what the law is. But they don't do much to these guys here. Still, I'm looking back, I'm 38 now, and i wish my parents had reported him immediately and let the cards fall where they may. I'm still standing in a demolished "house" that is my life, that I've spent a lifetime of trying to rebuild with nothing but ashes. In fact, i look back now, and i see where I've struggled so much, and always felt like i was failing at everything, now i know i just had no resources. The devastation never stopped. Even though a select few people knew and believed me, I'm still living in the shadows. I know my parents tried to honor how i felt. My sister and i were terrified, we couldn't comprehend the idea of telling anyone or being asked questions about it. But it just perpetuates the shame.
It should have already been reported .
The school counselor has to report this
Everybody keeps skipping over the part where she said that they've already reported it.
They just haven't told their daughter that they reported it.
I am beyond upset for the caller. My heart breaks for her. This a parent’s worst nightmare.
How is this even a question.
It’s just the title
The common narrative for (adult) sa victims is that they should not be forced to report or testify against their will. Many choose not to report because the odds of being believed are not good and it would just be traumatizing to go down that road and never receive justice.
I think this is why it’s even a question because the general view is that forcing someone to report is retraumatizing.
HOWEVER, I think with children this whole paradigm shifts because their parents need to make that decision.
@@alessiacollia4268 This is such ridiculous nonsense. Either report it or don't expect to be believed. If you claim someone did it to you, but it's just too hard to tell the cops, but you can definitely tell me and everyone else, it's fair to call cap. The proper response is to call it regretting consensual sex at that point.
Go to the cops. Report it. The first thing that has to be done to get over trauma is to face it. If you're a parent, your kid doesn't get to make the call, you do, and you better do the right thing and step up to the plate. Maybe you strike out, and the perp gets away, maybe it comes out that your kid made it up. But you have to go to bat for them either way.
@alessiacollia4268 I was sexually abused throughout my childhood and never said anything and when I did no one really cared. Everyone needs to read your comment, it's exactly why some victims never tell. I still won't to this day.
Move forward, your daughter will thank you later. If my parents had done something sooner the last 16 years of my life could’ve been a whole lot less painful.
You are incredibly brave and strong! I am sorry your parents did not meet their responsibility to you. I can understand, to an extent, if parents don’t want to put their child through the legal trauma of talking to the police, having to testify and so forth. But if the child is willing, there is no excuse. Depending on the severity ( I am not quibbling, any adult that even speaks sexually to a child is criminal, but I am talking the difference of touching vs , words fail me, penetration I guess) there should be police reporting and whatever help and support the child needs be provided.
No one cares.
@@firefly9838 Considering you're the only one who doesn't care, you're right- no one cares 👍🏼
Yeah. Please report it for all the other children. Your daughter will come to an understanding of why you had to report it.
I think you have to go to the cops and press charges. You can’t let a 13 year old make that decision. You are the parent and need to take the responsibility of that decision off of her and make it for her.
Whole lot of commenters who didn't watch the video before posting. My heart goes out to them. I know they made the promise, but some promises you just can't keep. She will understand one day.
Great advice! This happened to me as a teenager. Mom had died a year earlier. I had dad. I knew i couldn't tell him. The rage would have been unbearable. I have held this secret for 60 years. Please take your daughter in your arms and love her. Don't make her responsible for your anger, even though it comes from love.
The dad calls in later and they did report it. There were apparently other victims coming forward in that follow up call. The dad was on edge and Dr John talked him down.
You have to report it. Your daughter was not the first and won’t be the last victim. You have a chance of removing a predator off the street and preventing more harm to others.
In Canada where I live it's against the law not to report any suspected or actual abuse of any vulnerable person.
So important what John said about kids being afraid to say things for fear of the parents’ reactions. That results in a kid who gets really good at hiding things and lying, and ending up co-dependent. Dad needs to learn to process his anger in a healthy way so that he is a safe place for his kids.
If you don't do anything she will hate you for it when shes older.
That’s for sure
Parents trying to be a friend always goes terribly wrong 🙄 “but we pinky sweared on it” stupid.
Your daughter must be made to understand she will not be his last victim.
The daughter has been traumatised so putting the welfare of other children on HER is traumatising her again.
@John-bg2jl But it can be empowering for her. She isn't stupid, and will understand that she has the power to stop him, and save many kids
@@lorainefleeman6011it’s not empowering at this point. She’s traumatised, terrified and vulnerable. She feels embarrassed, small and ashamed. Putting the responsibility of other children’s well-being on her right now will crush her. It won’t feel noble. It will just add more confusion, disorientation and heaviness.
It’s a lovely sentiment for sure. But it just doesn’t pan out that way in reality for childhood victims of sa.
Her feelings need to be centred right now. Her parents need to take charge of the ship and the courts need to do the heavy lifting of making sure it doesn’t happen again.
@meghan8020 I was 7 years old and reported it. Yes, it does pan out that way. It was very empowering for me, and I'm glad I stopped someone from hurting, possibly even killing, kids again. I understood that at 7 years old. She understands that herself. The only way the courts can do that heavy lifting you talk about is by her reporting it.
@@lorainefleeman6011 I’m really glad it worked out for you that way. But you don’t get to decide that for every other child victim.
A 13yr old is not capable of making this decision for her parents, it will come back to haunt them all
Report this to the authorities immediately and in time the child will be glad you did
It must be emphasized that it is not the daughter's fault, and that she has nothing to be ashamed of. The person who hurt her should be embarrassed, punished, and imprisoned. My prayers are with her and her family.
Why wouldn't she want her molestor to be reported? Taking him in will get her daughter justice and prevent the creep from molesting other kids.
Because kids blame themselves in situations like this. She is a powerless 13-year-old. She feels shame. She feels guilt. Who knows; maybe the guy threatened her in some way. He probably told her no one would believe her if she told anyone. M0lesters are cruel manipulators of their victims. She simply doesn’t have the judgment of an adult.
@@susangrande8142 In addition to this, it's possible this could have been someone like a friend's relative (and she's scared she won't get to see her friend again), or a coach (and she's scared she won't get to participate in the sport again), or someone online (and she's scared her phone would be taken away), stuff like that which result in a significant negative thing in her perspective happening in addition to the abuse. It's also possible she thought it was her fault this happened to her (which is a common manipulation tactic of predators)
Kid: I was m... don't tell anyone.
Parents: okay.
SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!
Imagine saying this out loud that you don’t know if you should report your teenage daughters rape. Shame on you lady
"They're gonna marry guys like that." A BILLION PERCENT. It's a huge reason why I'm 36 and never married. Massive struggle to see through a different lens.
34 and a voice/music teacher also with the same thoughts!
My dad was the most peaceful man you could ever meet. He showed no anger or rage when he found out about my molestation at the age of 6. No rage or anger when my sisters husband who was 11 years older than me forced himself on me. You know what I looked for? That rage and anger. I spent 17 years in an abusive relationship because I thought that control, jealousy and willingness to fight meant he would fight for me.
@vsand9798 I completely understand this. I'm sorry you had to survive that. The people who should've protected you, didn't. You didn't deserve that. 💛💛
Child molester should get a long prison sentence
Yes her dad going to prison would be traumatic. However whenever a molester/pedophile can abuse kids and then all they get is a few years in jail and some BS probation, what's really stopping them? I think it should be a cultural norm that if you get caught molesting kids you pay with your life, done deal, no questions asked. When molesters get the memo that they will be executed by the family for these actions I think the amount of sex offenders would go WAY down.
Agreed. Some parts of the old wild west I miss. Speedy trial, admission of guilt with evidence and testimony and thrown over a cliff.
Exactly.
Lock up the dad. Can't have angry lunatics roaming the streets.
No abuse victim will be grateful for their parent choosing revenge over providing direct love & support. It’s tempting but you have to choose your child. They need you there for them, not locked up because getting payback was more important than being there for them.
As a victim of sa from 5 to 8 who didn't speak out. Its gard enough to speak out, but if the abuser is someone lnown by family or in the circle, the child will never speak out knowing they will be responsible for
Someones death. Maybe their dad or cousins father, or mums father etc. It will also mean more adults are going to put pressure on that child to not say anything.
I totally get the idea of worrying about how your parents will feel. I didn't want to tell them because i knew it would hurt them.
I think the mom if she would look into the crystal ball 10 years from now, that girl will be so thankful her parents stood up for her and reported it, whether it be an uncle, grandfather, family friend, etc. Fast forwarding realizing they saved dozens of other girls trauma at the hands of this man, but also I promise that girl will be so thankful in the long run.
Unpopular opinion but I am glad my parents respected my wishes.I am in my 40’s now and still feel that was the best decision.
@@aimeemarsh37 why?
@@aimeemarsh37, why do you feel that was the best decision?
@bradleymaravalli I am a private person and my private life good and bad isn’t open for discussion now or ever! Exposing trauma will only further traumatize many victims. Respect women’s wishes when it comes to private matters.
@@aimeemarsh37 however, she’s a girl. Not a woman. Parents moral integrity and safety of their children and others is above what a little girl wants.
I think it's incredibly important to listen to kids & to honor as any of their wishes as possible but this is simply not one you cannot keep away from the police. you have to press charges & you need to support her & be her backbone rn. she is going to be so angry but it'll be worth it.
You should be in jail for even asking this question. Your daughter is a minor and it is your duty to protect them. They are dependent on you!!!
Theres a little something called jury nullification and people like myself and others would give the dad a pass. Just food for thought
A friend of mine was molested by a cousin. When she told, the family was annoyed she didn't tell sooner and continued to have a relationship with the person. And I saw firsthand how that broke her. He had no consequences and went on to have a daughter who he named after my friend. When she told me this story, I wished her family had gone to police. I worried about the safety of his daughter. In my struggle of whether to call or not, her abuser got Covid and died. So at least we don't have to worry anymore.
I had a sister that was 11 years older than me. Her husband came into my room when I was 15 and got on top of me. I got groped, kissed and fondled against my will. Before that I had suffered a sexual assault at the age of 6. I thought not again, so I fought with everything I had and he eventually got off me. I told my parents, they did nothing, just like the first time. My sister blamed me because of his lies. Then I found out he did it to two of my cousins. So I told anyone in the family who would listen. Nobody seemed to care. So I separated myself from them. One of my cousins once told me I was “just so angry”. I guess that’s what happens when your blood doesn’t stand up for you.
The cousin reaped what he sowed
@@vsand9798 sorry that happened to you...
Oh darn
@@vsand9798I'm sorry
When I was a kid my friend told me she was being SA'd by her Dad. She made me swear not to tell but I told my mom and while my friend hated me she was safe.
Yes yes yes...she's a victim and a child, you're the parent, who needs to do the RIGHT THING, teach her how to stand up
Imagine not reporting this.
They did report it, she already mentioned it. She’s just struggling on how to tell the daughter they did, after they promised her they wouldn’t
The daughter needs to be taught what is right and she needs to learn that regardless of her feelings, taking legal action against a criminal for heinous crimes is the right thing to do!!
Oh that poor child. This is so heartbreaking. I pray that all of them make it through this well and safe.
Ask your daughter to be brave and save other little girls that he will hurt in the future by stopping this bad guy.
Maybe if it was presented to her in a way where she’d understand that it’s a way to take her power back. Not as a responsibility.
@@aprilgonzalez7893 Yes, she has to do it willingly. She can't put the burden on her to save society while she is a victim herself.
Her daughter needs her dad to be strong and support her. This will be one of the biggest things that will help her have a chance at healthy male relationships in the future.
Perpetrators do not stop until arrested and jailed.
Dad, your daughter needs you. You will not be there for her or your wife if you are in jail. These perpetrators have lots of practice evading. He may be out and you in!
Dad, you are thinking of yourself and your anger, not your daughter’s emotional and physical needs. She needs you around and aware to feel any kind of safety.
Why is that even a question? It’s like asking, “Should we oppose torturing puppies?” Of course you oppose that!
I feel this woman's heartache and pain, but she has to be strong and be the parent. She has to report it even if her daughter does not want to. I pray they find a good therapist to work through this. And I hope the husband does not get in trouble. Nightmare!
When I told I was too young to understand what I needed and now I resent my parents for not taking care of me. A child doesn’t always know what they NEED.
I finally reported my abuser. When the investigation was going, the detective said I wasn't the first. That's what kept me from backing down, I wanted to do everything in my limited power to stop it.
The perpetrators almost always make you think you're the only one. But, it's so far from the truth. It's all about power, and not attraction or love. It's about easy access and vulnerability.
This person needs accountability right away before he makes a new victim.
Even though it seems quite natural, that this has to be reported to protect the next victim, there is really no right way to handle this. The burden of protecting others is too big for the minor, the justice is never really being served and the court proceedings are endless and sooooooo hurtful to the victim. It's retraumatizing over and over again and there is no hero feeling involved at all. The violation ruins so many areas of their young life, the reporting ruins even many more. It so sad and angering that young females can't live in peace anywhere.
I understand this is one of the most difficult things a parent can go through, especially thinking you will hurt your daughter by promising to respect her wishes, however you are the parent and john is 100% right you have to report this.
2 years late to this but the fact that there are parents that even have to ask this question is disturbing beyond comprehension.
Dr. Delony...you are the man! I haven't watched one of your segments where your advice is off. How do we laypeople find help as sound and earnest as yours?
I never realized until now that I was responsible for both of my parents emotional regulation.
Spot on Dr John. I was 12. Now I am 50. You got all the advice right.
May Allah help you and guide you❤❤❤
If she doesn't report it he will hurt another child!!!! She needs to report it!
They will regret this if they don’t call police and daughter will BLAME THEM
I hope the show reported this abuse.
There is no "honoring a 13 year old's wishes to not do anything about the person that molested her" so not sure why she had to struggle with something when it was SUPER obvious what she had to do.
It’s obvious to you; it’s NOT obvious to the kid. She’s embarrassed; humiliated; she thinks it’s her fault at some level. You’re not thinking like a 13-year-old girl. She is a child. Children believe they cause stuff to happen.
I am crying watching this. And I’m 55. Experienced inappropriate sexual contact from those I should have trusted. Told mom. Yet….those reactions from parents are almost as detrimental to your long term emotional and mental health as the acts themselves. Dr John you are spot on as always. I pray for this family! ❤
Our church didn't tell me of my daughters abuse on Weds. On Friday, the school reported it. It was tough going through that.
If you have to ask, then there’s a problem.
In what world would you not report this
Victims, especially children, think it's their fault. If dad shows his anger, she's going to think it's her fault. She'll regret telling him. If he expresses it in front of her, which he should in a healthy way so she knows dad loves her and wants to protect her, he must explain he isn't mad at her, he's mad that someone did this to his baby girl. 😭😭😭
I wish when my dad found out about what happened to me I would have seen him show anger. I wish I could have seen something out of him. I thought he never cared about what happened to me.
Very very powerful ending. You made me cry! The story with your child was incredible. We need more moments like this. I shared this. I think now days we lack communication within our families as much as in the everyday day to day activities. Have we lost compassion or understanding. You took the time with your child showed you loved her and were there no matter what happened. I really love your show.
We are getting pretty bad as a society when we have to go to someone online, to ASK if we should go to the police when a child is molested.
Because in the past almost nobody reported it.
@@stampandscrap7494 Our world is in pitiful shape.
@@stampandscrap7494 bingo.
May Allah help us.❤
@@Ayesha______ Yes, Ayesha, may God help us. What a perverted world we live in.
If I were a parent, the daughter being a minor.....and other minors might be affected after this....I have to report. To save her and her her justice and to save other kids. Minors don't get to drive this train.
Once it's reported it's out of her and your control. The state will look into it.
If this happens to your daughter and you promise to "respect her wishes" you are not fit to be a parent and your kid should be taken away from you.
I didn't know there was any other option that can cross your mind other than going to the police.
People call the cops because their hamburger order isn't right, yet are conflicted in reporting abuse. Amazing
Dr John, your family is so lucky to have you in their life. I wish my children had a wonderful dad like you in their life😢
You should empower her, she needs to know that her abuser is not in control and will not keep her silent. You know what is best even though fear is keeping her from knowing that.
Not only fear, but also the reality of being revictimized by the legal process.
Amazing session for everyone, not just parents . People, please listen. Take notes. Protecting and saving our kids is so important.
Crazy to think the Mum hadnt thought of any of this.....
Overall great advice. Most think it’s obvious but it’s also how you communicate it and you did it.
I will say idk how I feel about going in on the father like that. Obviously (and based on some of the comments maybe not so obvious) he shouldn’t go out and hurt the guy risking being taken from his daughter. But it’s so easy to say (simplifying), “the father is acting like a toddler for wanting to hurt the man who molested his 13 year old daughter” from an outside view. Especially if you’ve never experienced something that traumatic first hand. I have a daughter myself and it’s so easy to hear what John is saying about keeping composure for the sake of your child (which of course is right) while not knowing at all how I would react if something like this happened to my daughter.
Again, don’t condone violence. But acting like he is just overreacting is a bit of a stretch.
I agree. ♥️
I don’t disagree with you but I think the real reason John was going in on the father was because his rage filled reactions to things are probably one of the reasons why the kid didn’t want to tell the parents or report it. If I were a child and I thought my father might totally blow a gasket and even physically hurt someone who hurt me, I would probably hesitate to say anything
In our country the perpetrator can be convicted now without the minor having to attend any legal proceedings. This has been a gamechanger.
A parents role is to protect their kids and prioritize their safety even from themselves. She needs to do the right thing for other kids and herself
Well Dr. John you got me here crying in the van while I'm supposed to be working. Thank you
God I hope I never have this issue with my future child. How heartbreaking. I hope this poor girl and this family can find healing and peace.
Why would it even be a question? Thats crazy
I can understand why the daughter doesn't want to report it. As confusing as this may be for anyone to understand, she doesn't want the person to "get in trouble". I know it doesn't make sense but that how victims thinks. The mother needs to explain this to her child and tell her that she didn't do anything wrong and that it wasn't her fault.
And that when this person gets in trouble, it's not HER fault.
It's the ABUSERS fault for making THEIR OWN CHOICE to abuse!!!!!
I think maybe she doesn't want to get into trouble herself. Interrogations by the police, gynecological examinations, other people get to know - including very likely people from school. It can be a total nightmare and possibly even worse in the beginning than what happened. But it's a right thing to do to stop the pedophile and probably good for her in the long run.
Excellent response John. Caller...you already know the right thing to do. Now, go and do it.
I’m a mandated reporter. If she is not 18 then you don’t really have a choice. She may be upset. She probably will. But she is a child so when do you plan to report?
My father sexually molested my sister from age 2-14. She doesn’t want to press charges. Can I press charges for her? She’s 30 now.
Oh heck how can that even be a question.
Rhe predator probably threatened this child. She's scared. She's only 13. She's the child.
I'm sorry, this should have been taken to the law, immediately. This mother sounds like she is numb, and she should be in protect mode for this child. The child doesnt even need to know. The school has a mandatory responsibility to report this. I would ask the school to step up, and call.