It’s Not Just You: No One Can Afford Kids Anymore
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 พ.ค. 2024
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In our March video essay, Chelsea explores the myriad reasons millennials are having fewer kids, having them later, or just not having them at all. Spoiler alert: a lot of it has to do with money.
Disclaimer: This video is for educational purposes only.
SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Dominque Baker: www.tiktok.com/@dominiquebake...
Dr. Amy Blackstone: werenothavingababy.com/research/
Maggie Taylor: / maggieolsontaylor
SOURCE LINKS:
www.psychologytoday.com/intl/...
fortune.com/2023/01/12/millen...
www.fox5ny.com/news/poll-mill...
www.theguardian.com/environme...
money.com/child-care-costs-de...
katiecouric.com/lifestyle/par...
www.resumebuilder.com/having-...
www.thebump.com/news/record-l...
www.pewresearch.org/short-rea... www.americanprogress.org/arti...
www.abetterbalance.org/resour...
www.marketplace.org/2022/08/1...
lbmjournal.com/home-prices-ar...
www.wsj.com/economy/child-car...
www.newsweek.com/child-care-c...
www.pbs.org/newshour/amp/nati...
itep.org/lapse-of-expanded-ch...
time.com/6488894/south-korea-...
www.nytimes.com/2022/09/14/op...
www.scientificamerican.com/ar...
www.pbs.org/newshour/economy/... www.cnn.com/2023/11/21/health...
www.bloomberg.com/opinion/art...
www.pewresearch.org/short-rea... www.who.int/news/item/04-04-2...
my.clevelandclinic.org/health...
theivfcenter.com/what-is-the-...
www.forbes.com/health/womens-...
www.nytimes.com/2022/12/23/we...
www.businessinsider.com/meet-... www.nerdwallet.com/article/fi...
www.huffpost.com/entry/why-i-...
www.businessinsider.com/tikto...
Music and sound effects by www.epidemicsound.com
00:00:00 Society Information
00:00:53 Intro
00:04:47 Ad break
00:05:42 The Childfree Movement
00:16:25 A Brief History Of Reasons For Being Childfree
00:23:04 The Village: Then vs Now
00:31:48 Ad break
00:37:02 Societal-Level Implications Of Not Having Kids
00:44:21 How Difficult It Can Actually Be To Have Children
00:48:37 The Millennial Dichotomy: DINKs vs. Tradwives
01:00:01 Motherhood: The Impossible Choice For Women
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What Maggie forgot to mention is that A LOT of men talk a big game about parenthood & then completely switch it up once the baby arrives. So this idea that you can "vet" your partner is not as cut and dry as it sounds.
One of my buddy's has 7 kids and can't even take care of himself, let alone all of them.
Each time. He promised every woman he'd be different with her and their baby. Cause she was special. Not like those other girls™.
My husband took our daughter to the bathroom one day to change her diaper, then came back extremely upset. There was no changing table, and he hurt him that he couldn’t so something as basic as give her a clean, dry bottom. And a common issue dads face is they get looked at like they must be pervs if they’re sitting at a park watching kids, even their own kids. My husband started checking bathrooms out before going out on daddy/daughter days so he could make sure he could meet her needs, and he ignored the people who thought something was wrong with him for being in kids’ places without a woman. So he always stayed hands-on, and still is.
But it all made me realize years ago that a lot of men really might intend to be involved, but then society shames them if they are involved, and wonders if they’re pervs, and it’s still common to find bathrooms without changing tables. My husband still tells me about ones he finds without them, and our daughter’s 14 now.
Of course, there are those men who think it’s all fun and game, and one poopy diaper later, and they nope out of there.
There’s also a lot of evidence that men think they’re doing more housework/child care than they really are. So even if they say they want to help and truly have the best of intentions, it may still not manifest into an equal division of labor
Better get a dog first and see if he take care of it😂
Absolutely! I was very up front with my last long term partner (now ex) that I didn't want to be pregnant/give birth for legit medical reasons. Fast forward 2.5 years into the relationship, when he starts talking about me having his children...uh, what?? When I asked him about it, he admitted to not really believing me about not wanting to birth kids, and that I would eventually change my mind. So yeah, even being very clear and upfront about expectations doesn't avoid issues later on.
A Starbucks batista told me they were jealous of me being a stay at home mom to my son and I didn't have the heart to tell them I was forced out of the workforce because childcare costs more than minimum wage in my state.
Yeah I get tone deaf commnts all the time about how nice it is that I work part-time. I'm glad I can work part-time, but it's also about no bein in a position to work full-time. Because of my country, I get heavily discounted childcare, but if my child goes to care more, that benefit ends, and I get less government help in general with healthcare and rent because my income goes up. So basically, I have the option to work part-time or work full-time. Except I don't really have that option because my child is autistic and can't handle more childcare days 🤷♀️ I'm grateful to be home a lot with my kid, but it's very tone deaf when people treat it like it's a privilege when it's actually my only option and not a very good option financially.
Yeah. I went into CC debt because childcare was 3k monthly. And my husband is a student 😢 Kids are SOOOO expensive.
You should have told her the truth.
In every state it’s crazy plus you work just for the daycare and some daycares they let kids there and places are not clean, safe or the staff prepared a complete risk poor kids they suffer too and can be dangerous, I once saw a average cost daycare with a after school program with a guy teacher and He was scary, sitting with a bored face or (on drugs) and staring to the ceiling it was so sad and worried for those kids and they safety.
You should have told them
As someone with five kids, I cannot tell you how deeply I support women that are childless by choice. And it's not because I regret having children - quite the contrary. I want this level of sacrifice and love and heartache and pride and worry to be a true choice for any person considering parenthood. The stakes are too high.
beautifully said! I'm 27 and undecided on having children one day and your words on parenthood i think capture how immense of a decision it is. children deserve SO much
So beautifully said 💕 we are privileged enough as a species at this point to want and provide better for the next generation 💕 a solid foundation is the best way to guarantee that the world we leave behind will be better equipped than what we started with. The choice to consent to the sacrifice and labor necessary to provide said foundation is critical to its success 💕 thank you so much for bringing more good people to the world 💕
I'm with you. i have 4 children, and i support the child free people. No everyone is built for this lifestyle.
No one should be forced into going through pregnancy, nevermind parenthood! 😬
I could have written this post, including the amount of children. The 2 kids who are grown don't want children and apologize I migh't not be a grandma. I told them if I needed to feel like a grandma, there are plenty of volunteer programs for that grandparent role.
I always tell myself "I'd rather regret not having children than regret having children"
Top comment ^
There are also so many kids in this world that do not get support at home because their parents regret having them. Even if you do not have kids of your own, you can show support for kiddos by getting involved in your community and being an example when their parents haven’t been. It’s why I don’t want kids of my own, but am going to dedicate my life to teaching.
Agree❤ we have to watch over our young ones, whether they're our kids or not @probablyjustsnails
Exactly
Yup!
I don’t think the people who are pushing the “everyone should have kids” policies and limiting access to contraceptives and abortions are interested in making childcare easier. They know it’s expensive, and they want people to stay poor and living in poverty. It’s easier to take advantage of people that way.
Negative 👎! The lower class aka poor are the ones having all the kids on taxpayers dime
It's the working or middle class that are smart enough not to lower the quality of their lives further by having children. 😳
@@alphaomega1351 bot 🤖
@@alphaomega1351 It's because they can't afford proper birth control I think, medical attention in the US is really expensive. They can't just abstain, that hardly ever works, people are gonna have sex no matter what. When a poorer person gets assaulted and then can't afford the medical procedure to not have a child, she's forced to have a child. There's also the issue of bad sex ed being taught in low income schools. Also, a pack of condoms is $15 four 4 in my state, and that's generic brand. Then it boils down to "do I get condoms or dinner tonight?"
They make bad choices, but they don't have the money to rectify them, and end up paying for the full consequence that normal people can afford.
Bingo! They just want worker bees and consumers at the cheapest rate possible
😊😊q😊
“It takes a village” in an era where boomer and gen x parents relied on their parents to assist with childcare, but don’t want to provide the same assistance for their children…
I know mostly millennials using the grandparents for child care.
They can’t either it’s so sad to see them work for so long 😢
1000%. And they probably are the ones pushing for their kids to have kids too 🙄
@@mamitingzyep. Some boomers that would help in a heartbeat just can’t afford retire.
My parents are boomers and are both still working full time! Not all boomers are 'spending their kids inheritance'. Some are just getting by like my folks.
New mom over here with a 7 month old. My husband and I have already had sooo many conversations about whether we can even financially consider having a second kid... and it baffles me how many family members (who had family support) tell us "oh don't wait, have another now.. you'll just figure it out"... im sorry this isn't a 6th grade math test I didn't study for. It's literally my family's financial future.
Ugh I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. You sound like a great mom for really taking the time to think through this decision. Kids shouldn’t be a decision made lightly- it’s literally a new *person* brought into this world with thoughts and feelings and dreams of their own. I get so mad at people who talk to new mothers this way.
We had a bit of a windfall in our late 30s but I was past the point of considering kids. I always find it funny that we ended up with plenty of money for a second child BUT I haven’t once regretted NOT having a second child partly for financial reasons. It was the right choice.
Our only child is 5 now and it is just getting better. We also faced heavy pressure to make siblings. My son prefers the cats and calls his bff his sister ❤
They are correct as overanalysis leads to paralysis. Having kids motivated me to work harder and advance further than I would have sitting around and worrying. Everyone is winging it.
@soil-play you've got a lot of confidence for someone who doesn't know me, my family, or my situation.
My mother straight out told me, ''I can't wait for you to have children so I can watch them ruin your life the way you ruined mine''... so that made the choice pretty clear for me!
Also you gotta love governmental outcry at how ''they worry about us and our future'' because of aging populations! If they actually ever gave a rat's arse about helping parents afford children, making sure kids and pregnant women are safe and healthy, not gutting unions and worker protections left and right, making sure salaries follow inflation and food and homes and healthcare remain affordable? They sure have a STRANGE effin way to show it!
Never mind that the model of endless population growth is literally impossible to sustain on the long term...
Your mom told you...what 😱
Omg that's horrible what your mom said to you. I'm so sorry...
@@agavictoria That's probably quite common. My mother told us that she hated kids, hated us, if she had to do it all over again she would not have kids, if you die that's one less mouth to feed. This was in Canada in the 60s.
You don't deserve this. You didn't ruin anything. Her life was shitty before you.
@@DeniseMaxwell-nb4mb Parents are the one who choose to have kids. They should take responsibility. Not put it on their kids. That's what you guys should say to your parents.
Mom here. It is so incredibly life changing that unless you whole heartedly want it, don’t become a parent. That said, for me, it was 100% the right decision.
Agreed. If you love your life without kids, don’t have them! Your life will be completely unrecognizable with kids! 😅
@@misspatvandriverlady7555 I wouldn’t want my life without my kids
Totally agreed. I have a 10 month old, i love him wholeheartly, but he has changed my life SO much more than i though he would....and childcare cost....a freeking joke
Hell yeh! Way too many people need to think much harder about having kids (my own parents as an example)
@@misspatvandriverlady7555 I don't necessarily agree with that, as a childfree person. My friends who chose to have kids already had a great and fulfilling life before having kids and they are super happy they added being a parent. If anything, if your life already sucks, maybe you should fix that before you add on the crashing burden and responsibility of having kids. Being a parent is hard work and a secrifice so if you're not in happy place now, maybe you're not ready to make your life infinitely harder on top of that.
My favourite thing to observe in the ‘having less children’ discourse is seeing uncles who had remotely nothing to do with childcare be suddenly concerned about an ageing population that won’t help the heavy industry.
Heavy industry should be more automated so human lives are not at risk as often
When the argument for people to have kids starts going into capitalism territory I immediately discount them.
@@alexj-t2331 we don't have the tech for that yet, robotics is REALLY hard
Everyone should be concerned about an aging population -it means a gradual increasing tax burden on a smaller younger working generation. So by people not having kids, you are essentially setting yourself up for higher taxes in the future. Also, aging population means a gradual trend to population collapse. Japan for example is predicted to just have 63 million people by 2100 - 40% of this will be people who are 65+.
Higher taxes are inevitable. If 8 billion people sees us living in the most inequitable times ever when it comes to the gap between rich and poor, how is more people going to make that better? It wont! The rich will get richer and the tax burden will increase for the middle class.. as more resources are allocated to the wealthy. Don’t fall for the lies that the only way for society to succeed is to make more and more people on a planet of finite resources.
I have 2 boomer aunts who never had children, one actually makes clothes for her cats. My role models 👏👏👏
I feel like "cat lady" has very quickly these days switched from insult to compliment, and I am here for it lol because cats are awesome 😂
Honestly; goals! My bestie and I are cat ladies and aspiring old kitchen witches ~
Your aunts sound like the ladies we all aspire to be. I have a cat and often buy him outfits for special occasions. He gets Halloween costumes, Christmas outfits, a new outfit for his Birthday. It's fun to dress them up. 🐱
@@Lorraine_Pagan_ParksI'm childfree and I don't want to cohabitate with my current or any future partners and my boyfriend is 100% also a catlady in the making. Don't threaten us with a good time, dude 😅
Your boomer aunt is part of a silent minority of people in their 50s and 60s who are choosing not to have children and doing it with no regrets.
a friend recently said to me "i love being a parent but I wish I could be the dad". A lot of moms love being moms, they just resent how "having it all" seems to mean having to do all the work.
That's why women should have boundaries and insist the men step up.
This is why I would never want my daughters to be SAHM. The burden ends too uneven she usually ends with divorce..
It’s because you can’t have it all. That’s a lie they told women a long time ago. Something will always have to give. Either your job or your home life.
@@katemiller7874 that's BS. Women can have it all, especially with a partner that is an asset and not a liability.
If the man needs a lot of attention and places burdensome rules on the woman and the relationship, that's when it limits what both partners can achieve.
Think about if you have a daughter.
Your going to tell them they can't have it all?
But men can?
Statistically, moms work outside the home And do majority of household work + majority of child rearing
@@katemiller7874or men could step up and help more
In my country (Thailand) , we called the current Millennial as “Generation Sandwiched” because in Asia we have to take care of our aging parents and pay for our own children which is much more expensive compared to the past at the same time. It’s One and Done for almost every family I know.
I'm in another country but it's like that here as well. Taking care of aging parents and having one child only. Any more than one is just too much.
same, only sometimes no kids cause caring for parents is too costly in itself
The more terrible thing is that, many Thai households have kids unintentionally. Those parents don’t raise their children properly, then they become social problems instead. Other households have to pay extra for more safety environments for their kids.
This is really the Xennial generation, the youngest of Gen X and the oldest of Millennials. Xennials are that decade-or-so range where most people with kids tend to have minors, but parents are also reaching retirement. Millennials are born after 1981, meaning that, aside from the oldest of the Millennials, most of their parents are still in their 60’s or so, and far fewer have kids. And for Gen X, most of them who have kids have kids who are grown already, and their parents are easily retired. Xennials are fucked from both sides.
In my part of the United States, I've heard advertisements for years about how Baby Boomers were/are the sandwich generation, which is hilarious because our entire economic system has been designed to cater to their needs. Boomers just can't stop talking about how hard they have it.
I knew since I was 16 that I didn’t want to have children. I meet my husband when we were 21/22 and I told him that I didn’t want to have kids early on in our relationship. He was okay with that and eventually as years went on it became our decision to remain child free. He would defend me when people thought I should have a baby for him. In 2022 after over a decade together and five years of marriage my husband came to me saying he would like to have a vasectomy and make being childfree a permanent thing. We don’t regret our decision and know that it’s not a decision we came to lightly nor think is for everyone.
I always tell childfree people, if you ever want to borrow a kid, I'm sure you can kind a parent willing to loan one out 😂
@@frozenheart7133 I totally agree. I love spending time with the nieces and nephews and taking them off their parents’ hands for a few hours and the best part is at the end of the day they get to go back to their parents.
the idea of child rearing is terrifying to me, so i've no plans for kids in my future. especially because i've felt emotionally caged for much of my life by family. i hope to live for myself & make up for the despair i've been through.
however, if i manage to work a well-paying job in the future, it would be nice to help sponsor a child or children through some means. i think it's a shame how much people try convincing others to have children when so many children have been left behind in society after being orphaned. it's sad how their circumstances are often handled after they age out of the system.
The biggest reason (if not the only reason) why I'm childfree (is it really by choice then?) is money issues. If we could live comfortably on one salary (by "living comfortably", I mean having a decent place to live, a car, healthy food on the table, new clothes, money for some activities outside the home and a little bit of money on the side in case of emergencies), then I would want to stay at home and raise kids. But what is the point in both parents working full time, having to spend half a salary in childcare, only to have someone else raise your kids for you and being annoyed at them when you come home from work because you're tired? There is literally no point.
I think a lot of people feel the same way as you. I am in the same boat.
Not only do I want to be able to afford to provide the bare necessities, but I would want my kids to live a better childhood than mine. I would want to give them the world. Take them traveling, support their dreams, pay for them to be in as many extracurriculars as they want. If I can’t provide that to them, then I will not have children. Raising a child in an environment where I’d constantly have to tell them “no” and pinch pennies to afford basic care would be absolutely heartbreaking for me.
I'm sorry the world has done this to you. You've been robbed, and all so that some filthy billionaire can add another million or two to their pile by denying you your basic human rights.
Raising kids was the best time of my life, but even having them in school kind of sucked compared to when we were homescooling. Going through daycare as well would have been a nightmare.
yes
I agree. This was my stance on them for years, and I was a fenc-sitter personally. But seeing friends and family with 2 high-earning jobs working 50-60 hours a week consider adding kids made no sense to me. They would literally never see them, were already irritated with their lives, and I personally just didn't see the allure. Why put your body, your health, your finances and your marriage at risk to never even be able to get the good parts of having kids?
Well, now we're in a position that I don't have to work anymore and found out we're infertile. Sooo looks like all this extra time will be for just us anyways. Not a big deal, but I still can't imagine purposely taking on like 2-3 full-time jobs if they do add kids 🫠
@@mialovestravel this is my view as well. my family were working class and my parents worked constantly and were stressed out and emotionally unwell. my dad in particular worked nights and was always either sleeping or angry and pissed off about everything around him bc he was so exhausted. i would not want to perpetuate that cycle. i'm already stressed just from working to support myself and live paycheck to paycheck. i could not raise a child without neglecting them emotionally or materially... either i work even more and i'm not a present, mentally well parent, or we would go without basic needs. it seems insanely irresponsible to bring a child into the world. i always wanted to ask my parents wtf made them want to have kids
In Romania, which is a lesser known European country, there is a 2 year maternity leave during which the state pays 80% of your previous salary and it’s illegal for your company to fire you during your pregnancy or maternity leave and they have to welcome you back after your leave is over. Plus you have free daycare, school and university tuition. How the world’s wealthiest country doesn’t have any of these it’s just baffling.
The United States is greedy, and to busy helping other countries instead of helping their own.
I live in the US and while I can come up with 60 reasons why we ended up here they are all bullshit.
I was child-free by choice for many years, and used the excuse "I haven't met the right person yet" to stop people from telling me what a bad person I am for such a selfish decision. As of this month I am also childless for medical reasons after having my uterus and ovaries removed due to debilitating endometriosis and PCOS. I'm only 32 (still single) and not looking forward to spending the rest of my life having to answer the "why" from people who don't understand why they're not entitled to my reasons or personal medical information.
Seriously, not being prepared and bringing a child into this world for society's "you're supposed to" is selfish. Not your decision. How many children grow up neglected or abused because parents had them, just because? You don't owe anyone any explanations. And if they press on, I'd say "Why, are you going to help me take care of my child?"
I promise you that the question stops being asked by the time you are in your early 40s.
I hope you're healing well 💛 I had 2 endo lesions and a bunch of other stuff removed last year brutal surgery. My surgery was canceled the morning of surgery twice from complications 🙄 people don't realize how painful it is healing afterwards too. Wishing you all the best 💜
Same goes for infertility. My husband and I are trying to conceive but struggling for unknown reasons and it's aggravating to have people ask us when we're going to have kids. I don't want to go into personal medical details about why we still don't have children in the middle of a party with someone I barely know . When will people learn to stop asking people this? It's never okay.
People who have children give way to their natural selfish compulsion to have kids.Life is hard,cruel and a struggle to the death for many people,except for the lucky and fortunate few. In fact I believe that it selfish to bring children into this unforgiving shit world. However,as an empath, I try to assist wherever I can with children who live in poverty,and who's parents are addicts...as they are innocent and helpless as children.
My Millennial daughter has WISELY chosen to be child-free and I couldn’t be more delighted with her decision! She has sidestepped a boatload of BS attached to the failure of this country to support families, and mothers in particular. She enjoys her work, her friends, her home, her cats, her LIFE
You're a good mom xx
She’s SO lucky to have you
You sound amazing! I wish my mother would be so supportive of my choices. My mother thinks I’m an abject failure because I don’t want and will never have children.
And you have to accept that you can have a kid who may not be healthy, I have seen a neighbor struggle with a kid who got cancer as a 4 year old. It was so heartbreaking and they lost a lot of money in making choices such as staying home for a year to take him to hospital etc.
That is heart breaking. I’m over a decade older than my baby sister. Who was born profoundly death, I remember the grief that even I felt as a child that she couldn’t hear for over a year before we figured it out and the loss of what I expected having a baby sister to be. She’s a beautiful kind Mom to 3 now and I helped tutor her through highschool to earn a full diploma. But I can still feel frustration that her life is extra hard, communication in the world is hard and limiting to her, and that she doesn’t hear much.
Or even that you may have a kid who’s just not a ray of sunshine. I have a friend whose kid has issues with violent behaviour. They’ve had issues with him throwing tantrums and hurting both his older sister (who’s autistic) and his parents. They’ve been going to therapy and specialists for years but it’s still really hard going. They’re lucky in that my friend’s husband has a really high paying career so they can afford for her to stay home and take care of the kids full time, but even then they’re all constantly exhausted
Yep. When you decide to have kids, it's a gamble. You have no idea how it will turn out. You may face difficulties with them that you never envisioned. All kinds of things can happen with your kid that are some version of Not Good. You can't ever really be "ready" for that, but I do think people should at least give it a good, honest think about that possibility before diving in.
Yes. My good friend and his wife had 2 boys who were born with severe autism and they were both in their early 20s when their kids were born! All these years later, it really affected their lives financially and certainly travel-wise as their boys had and have issues with changing of their routines. It's sad because prior to their having children, my friend thought he and his wife would spend his 20s traveling but it never really happened. He's told me he is tired of living his whole life in disability world but what can he do? I must add he adores his "boys" who are men now.
This and the fact that they may be mentally handicapped. I watched my uncles family deal with a profoundly handicapped child. It was heartbreaking. They both turned to alcohol and drugs to deal with it. Their other kids were neglected due to the demand of caring for that child. These are real possibilities that people need to be ready for.
I figured I wouldn't have kids unless I had the ability to raise them entirely on my own or with a man and paid help. My income and energy levels/free time never reached that bar. I couldn't trust a man to make it easier for me. Also, frankly, my mom made it look like the worst thing that could happen to a person.
yep...
This is me.
Feel this 100%!
Unfortunately nothing in the world is guaranteed. I have family who waited to have kids until they were stable and prepared, then a stroke an early age put the mom on disability and completely changed the stability they thought they had. For these reasons, I think you should only have kids if you really want them in sickness and health in prosperity and when not so much. The first few years are so important though so I encourage people to wait until they are relatively stable.
But why did I immediately tear up reading that last sentence; I feel your pain.
Every mother I've ever talked to has told me that if I'm even a little bit on the fence about kids, DON'T HAVE THEM. They've all said it's ONLY worth it if you're absolutely in love with and crazy about the idea of parenthood, which I'm not and never have been, and neither has my partner. We will be enjoying our childfree lives, happily!
I was one of the people that HATED kids until I had my own. So I guess it depends lol! Now I love kids but I have only one though, I dont know about multiples that may be too much😂
Wouldnt it be naive to be crazy in love with the idea of having kids doesnt every one know it isnt all fun.
@@pinaymom1984 kinda rude to rude to say "you're probably enjoying childfree life but that will change" then saying "enjoy being child free!"
passive aggressive much? lol
just because you have kids, doesn't mean they will give you company or take care of you in old age.
my mom is extremely abusive, i cut her off years ago. i won't be there in her old age, i won't take care of her. i won't even speak to her.
if you don't want kids & parenthood as your ENTIRE life goal, don't have kids.
ah yes, another mother claiming that people who dont have children will never experience what true love feels like. thanks! i wonder if you even watched the video if youre still communicating in such a condescending way yikes @@pinaymom1984
@@pinaymom1984 Wow, this is very condescending! I won't be lonely because I don't rely on others to fulfill me or provide me happiness. I have a wonderful, loving partner, lots of hobbies that bring me great joy, a job I love, and a robust social circle (friends AND family). Having children will not be missed in my life personally. And yes, I do think you should 100% want your kids, and be excited about them and parenthood. The alternative is resenting your children because you didn't really want them, which....how selfish is that? It happens all the time and the children are the ones who pay the price for it. THEY are the ones who become traumatized. Also, nursing homes are filled with people with children who never visit them. You can 100% be lonely no matter what your life circumstance is. It's about perspective and doing what's right for you. :)
"The whole world is your oyster." It might seem crazy but that's how I've been feeling since having kids. Especially after the baby-toddler stage. Motherhood made everything seem possible for me. BUT that's only true because it's the right choice for me. A child free person will feel that opening and liberation through NOT having kids. I want to live in a world where we all understand that different people need radically different life choices to be happy.
I genuinely enjoyed raising my child. He’s about to move out in Aug to pursue a PhD in Physics and he’s kind. I helped to form an entire adult person, I still find it so cool. That said I fully understand people who genuinely enjoy their careers or their travel. I can even see how I may have followed a different path had I not become pregnant when I was young and engaged. And I’ve never found it difficult to understand people find fulfillment in many varied ways.
In my 20s I was overmedicated and unemployed and my life had come to a halt. I couldn't do anything but sit around on the computer all day.
Took a long time but I finally got off my meds and "suddenly" a friend of mine admitted he had the hots for me, and had since we were very young We got married and had a kid.
Having seen myself go through pregnancy, buy a house, take care of a newborn, fix up a house, and try new hobbies, I REALLY feel like the world is my oyster. I feel more capable than when I was riding my highest highs in my youth. I had no idea what I was capable of! I can even multitask with a kid around!
When you make the right choice, your life is more fulfilling ❤️❤️ Love that for you and everyone that commented
Same! I do enjoy my career as well and we travel a lot with our kids. 🩷 But I totally get other walks of life.
YES!!!! My 30's turned out so much better than my 20's.
For me, financial and health reasons. My mental health is shit and I don't trust my family because of history of child abuse and others being hush hush about it. I feel like a lot of people are seeing things for what they are, we're too realistic 😂
It's really true, how delusional are people who overlook those things. It's difficult with zero acceptable relatives on the maternal or paternal side, let alone any custody battles in divorce or if toxic relatives slander and try to take their daughters kids away. It's just zero benefits, only negatives and doom for women. One of the first generations who have a choice, it's almost a duty to stay away from it. If at all, I can adopt older foster kids when feel the need once older, but I doubt it'll happen.
@@bluu389 same, I might adopt one day but with very strict boundaries in place when it comes to my fam or go no contact all together!
@@bluu389I just wanted to add that you can hire a lawyer to legally stipulate that a trusted friend gets your kids if you die rather than your next of kin. I know that's not the purpose of your comment but I grew up with a legal godfather so I just thought I'd add that.
@@holigatis7588 Yes that's a smart way to go about it. It doesn't make life automatically completely perfect but I'm much better being no contact with all biological relatives, it's just not worth the issues they cause. Sad for them, they're missing out on a good person, but we are allowed to do whatever necessary to ensure our own safety and sanity. Hugs to you, you got this 💙
You took the exact words out of my mouth. In my case, my physical health is also bad and I have a hysterectomy. So that's that anyway.
Honestly the only people I know who have children are those who are wealthy enough to afford it with ease or those who are only able to afford it with government aid. Everyone else in the middle is struggling.
As someone trying to break the cycle of poverty, I already feel priced out of being a mother. It’s one thing to make the personal decision not to have children, it’s another to feel like that choice was FOR me. I wouldn’t describe myself as childfree but childless.
Agree. It's harder to break the cycle of poverty when you have kids.
What's "struggling" exactly? My family have young 3 children. Lower middle class, no government aid. Dad works at UPS, long-time, low-level warehouse position. I have a steady but low paying office job. We are far from well off but I'd never 1) label us as "struggling" and 2) use financial hardship as a reason to have zero kids. The word "struggling" for middle, low middle class families seems excessive. Like the word "trauma" attached to near-everything. Maybe this "struggle" ties into the conversation about that "young people these days" have minimal resilience. Adjust your expectations and move on with your life. Missing out on having children you want because concerns about struggling seems like a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
That childfree vs childless dichotomy is such an important distinction. I’ve always been child free-just never wanted to have kids-and so it’s a very different discussion. To be childless because you know you don’t have the resources to give a kid what they need to thrive in this world is a whole other (and entirely systemic) issue.
But a gentle note on wording-the poor are still struggling, even with subsidized childcare. They’re just struggling to afford other things instead.
@@olgab.3961 The main thing I see when I describe someone to be struggling is the fact that many people in that middle era are having children instead of putting money aside for retirement or other major goals. My mother is an example as she viewed having children as her ENTIRE retirement plan. I love her to death but she has placed a burden on me as I and my siblings don’t want her to be homeless in her later years so we have to put money of ours aside that would be used to prepare for our retirement/raise future children of our own to take care of her. I have friends of mine who don’t have that burden and they only have themselves to worry about. They’re able to move farther from home without familial guilt, they can pick “okay” paying careers they genuinely enjoy instead of higher income ones they hate and are just truly “free” from their parents in a way I’m not.
@@TheJlennick I’ll agree with you on the second point. A lot of my mom friends who are on government assistance are in a set of golden handcuffs. They get a very decent amount of aid compared to most states due to the high cost of living but the moment they make above the limits, they can have everything snatched from them. The gap between “making little enough money to get aid” and “making enough to keep our lifestyle the same without aid” is so large that they can’t switch jobs for higher pay or pursue higher education. They’re stuck where they are for years and years on end so I don’t envy them.
I used to watch cleaning videos to motivate myself and get ideas for ways to clean more efficiently. I quickly grew exhausted with it because all the women were basically the same person. They used all the same products, had the same big gray and white houses, used the same lingo, talked the same way, had the same ridiculous names for their children. It felt so unrealistic and fake and I just couldn't do it anymore. I see these huge houses and 12 kids and I am just like... who the hell can afford this? Who can possible keep this massive home clean??
Also, just a fun story. I used to work at a corporation in the office and remember the General Manager going on a rant about being required to pay for maternity leave. It's not required in our state, and he was clearly against the idea of changing that. I distinctly remember him turning to me, the only woman in sight and at my time at typical child bearing age, to angrily point and say "Why should I pay for you to have a baby!?" I was caught of guard, and just stared back at him, but I remember thinking "Because otherwise I wouldn't be able to have children?" of course he was a wealthy Boomer who had two kids so he couldn't empathize with why his office staff couldn't afford the entire burden of children and child care on their own and that meant the fertility rate would inevitably plummet. I don't work there anymore, but I bet he is now complaining about how no one wants to have kids anymore.
I bet he didn’t even raise his kids, it was the wife or nanny. Btw, I like Clean My Space for cleaning guidance
Why should he pay for maternity leave? Because he directly benefitted from the lowered wages that result from the entire population having to work instead of half. More workers = business owners can set lower wages.
@@liathselkie7052 He would also benefit from enough young people to continue working there (it was a very labor intensive job and they target young workers) and a severe drop in birth rates will not help him when he is older and there is no care workers left to care for him.
Try Aurikatarina. She doesn’t have kids and cleans for free people with mental health issues and let their home go big time.
She is also from Scandinavia so her personality is different than the typical US homemaker content creator. She just moved to Florida.
I like her old content a bit more because it doesn’t have bugs… Florida has bugs lol
Before even watching: yeah kids are stupid expensive.
Daycare for us is $1770 a month, or 42% of our net income.
😮wow the US is a scam
Wow, I am really happy to live in Germany… I only pay a contribution to lunch. It varies from city to city but mostly childcare is not expensive and we even have 14 month of paid parental leave. Because we did not earn much money daycare was free for us and kindergarten is, too.
@@SiuresYeah, In Finland unless you and your partner, or the other parent, get paid over median, you have to pay like 25-75€ a month for full time daycare. And the maximum price is something like 280-330€ a month, even if you are like CEO of some tech giant. Also the more kids you have in the childcare, the cheaper per kid it gets (I think around 30-45% for each).
Some private companies have larger prices, but not by large margin. We however have some other issues like requiring masters level education for the responsible teacher, but paying (even substantially) less than 3000€ (gross, around median) a month to the majority of childcare teachers and workers.
Raising children is a incredibly difficult choice for many living in the 2020s. Childcare cost are outrageous and the community of families that would've help support the raising of a child in.the past, is slowly dwindling and non existence for many today.
😢
Being childfree is allowing me to finally pay for medical care I need and take a *gasp* vacation, which is very much needed because I have felt burnt out since high school. I lost the first 2 decades of my life to child abuse. Now I live for me. I can’t pour from an empty cup. Now, true, I can’t comfortably afford kids (although without kids I am very comfortable financially.) True that I simply don’t want them. But I think another key of this puzzle is how prevalent child abuse has been and how kids suffering it had no resources or help and were left for dead by society. Now mental healthcare is more accessible (and even if you don’t see a therapist personally there is a plethora of resources available) and we realize that the abuse and neglect we suffered was intolerable and wrong. Now when we’re trying to fix the damage and recover our lives, they want us to turn around and sacrifice ourselves to have kids. Nah.
So those who suffered from bad parents are taking the time to repair the damage in their adulthood. And my point is that if society was so concerned about birth rates they should have stepped in far, far earlier and done something to ensure kids were provided for and not being traumatized and suffering through poverty. When someone grows up in poverty and manages to escape, they don’t want to pop out kids and send themselves back to poverty. If they want more kids in society, they should have given a damn. Also, things like labor laws, job security, social safety nets, a reduction in crime, affordable housing, affordable medical care, feeling secure that social security won’t be yoinked away from us after paying in (by force) all our lives, pensions, etc would go pretty far to encourage women to have kids/have more kids.
But no. None of that. No concessions, just coercion and moral outrage shame campaigns. F them. I’ll take this birthrate to 0. America has chosen to be all take no give. We pay the same taxes as Europeans but get NOTHING in return. We don’t even have decent public transit. If they want a bump in the birth rate, the easiest way would be to forgive the student loans. But they won’t even do that. So how much do they really care about solving the problem instead of yapping and whining and shaming women?
And regarding male partners, I can’t even trust my bf to cook dinner. He wanted swedish meatballs and I told him it was his turn to manage the meal. He had to text me multiple times confirming what he needed to get, and he still left the store without the meat! Instead of having 20 classes of american history by the time we reach 12th grade, maybe we should replace them with home economics. And he’s the best guy I’ve ever met… If we had kids it would be 100% on me, while I also have to work fulltime… F that. Everyone blames women for the birth rate decline but no one wants to mention how worthless the men are. Lazy, whiny, entitled, weaponized incompetence, useless, braindead, broke, unambitious, irresponsible mantoddlers. Who tf would want to have kids with modern men? I can barely tolerate a man in a childfree relationship, and he’s a feminist who hates the Tate. This is the best that’s out there, a man who doesn’t know you need meat to make meatballs.
And to be clear, my parents were neglectful and didn’t teach me anything. The reason I know how to rent an apartment, do laundry, cook, pay taxes, etc is because I taught myself using the internet. But men just say “my mommy never taught me,” and that’s that, they will never take the initiative to learn for themselves. And when women outperform men in every metric, the men cry and whine that they’re oppressed. Make it make sense. But men will never listen to women, they’ll just make up whatever truth they want to believe (women are selfish wh----) and won’t listen to reason. So whatever. Let this society rot.
I won’t get into medical misogyny. So, tl;dr, I agree with what your videos have touched on.
We pay all those taxes with no return because the government uses that money to fund proxy wars. Constantly.
Wow! well said girl!
Oh my goodness yes to all of this. You put it so eloquently. Truly good men are impossible to find these days- by that I mean men willing to be active fathers, active homemakers, active emotional support, men willing to provide more to the relationship than a paycheck.
Women are expected to provide that same paycheck AND do the brunt of the domestic labor. Even if they’re not doing every chore they’re almost certainly organizing the work for their man toddler, making the list for him so he remembers to do the chores he should’ve been doing all along. I have girlfriends always complaining that their men don’t take the trash out when it’s overflowing or clean the bathroom when it’s obviously dirty, blaming the girlfriend who didn’t remind them??? It’s absurd what women are expected to do in comparison to men, and the main reason I'll never trust a man enough to make a human with.
Great comment!
English is not my native language, so I can’t articulate my thoughts as well as you - but this comment is spot on!
We are taking the time to repair all the damages that have been done to us (and they mostly are trans-generational, so there is this extra burden to figure it all out, so the healing, feeling rage, grieving, forgiving and not-forgiving etc.) We kind of need to re-parent ourselves and clean up the mess that has been going on for generations. This is a full time job in itself, requires a lot of sacrifices and leaves little resources to raise a child.
Still, I want so stay optimistic. Healing is possible, and will free up a lot of energy that we can invest in whatever dreams and wishes we have. For some it can include children, for some it will be different things. I respect any person who is consciously asking these questions ans is willing to put in the work to find answers.
I'm 27 and every friend of mine has opted to remain childless. I already work 3 jobs and can barely stay afloat. The physical toll of having kids, the risk of having them with the current state of health care, the cost it has to your career and wallet- none of that seems worth it what-so-ever. Plus you hear of all these men leaving after having kids.. no thank you
You definitely hit the nail on the head........ Especially the last part. Men are not holding up their part of child care and it makes having children, a single parent affair. Have them at your own cost.
They want kids only to resent you and cheat because you're now a mom and can't give him all the attention, so he looks elsewhere. Also the madonna/wh*re complex is real. I've heard wayyyy too many stories. They only want the status of being a dad but can't play the part.
I genuinely don’t understand the people who think every single person (namely women) on earth should have kids. Have y’all watched the news?! You seriously think “EVERY” person on earth would make a good parent? Ya I don’t think so. 🙅♀️
There are people who think that???
Literally just read that two separate moms left their babies to starve alone while they went on vacation
Like Ruby Franke.
Every mean and nasty person you meet in life, is probably the same way to their kids; Inflicting trauma that can become generational on that child. Just because a person is a mom, does not make her a good mom or blessed. So I am so in favor of abortion and birthcontrol........ Also there are too many men who do not take care of their children as well. They even outnumber the moms who dont.
@@moremiaj4786no they don't, if that was the case then there would be no foster or adoptions.
The word afford typically applies to finance and physical dollars, but there are plenty of hidden costs with having a child.
The lack of sleep doesn't show up on a bank statement, but it is absolutely a cost. In the US where we don't have any paternity leave or guaranteed maternity leave, this is a huge factor. Going to work on 4 hours of intermittent Broken sleep isn't fun.
Sleep deprivation is a type of pain, it could be used in prisons and to torture people.
Yea I think U.S is one of the worst places to have kids if you're just a person with a regular job. Can't believe you guys don't have any mat leave. Imagine physically as a woman having to go to work while you're still physically recovering. Just to afford to feed and house your baby.
@@carrino15it is. Extensive prevention of sleep is considered a method of torture by the UN.
@@adiastar9815 yes, sleep deprivation is a common form of torture
@@pinkbug8u where do you live? do you live in the US?
My mom has worked as a daycare provider my whole life. We lived in poverty. I’m not having kids.
I think it's so much harder to raise a family now than it was when I was born in the 90s. I'd like a family, but growing up my grandparents took care of me while my parents worked. We lived on the same street as them. When I got a bit older, my dad made enough that my mom could afford to work part time and be home with me. But my partner and I would have zero help. My dad lives in another state and is too busy to help, and my mom still works full time. Not to mention, my family is toxic and trashy and I wouldn't even want my child around them.
This is the only way I've seen women really make it work - they have heavy involvement from parents/grandparents, where the grandparents of the child see them/care for them almost daily.
i understand you. I live in another country and i cannot grant them a visa. Also, my family is shitty, my dad has significant health issue and my mom doesn't work, has no pension, does not want to re-learn how to drive and expects me to take care of her when she's older when both my dad and her had money when younger to pay for their mothers full time carers. On top of that, my partner only has his mom and she's dying of stage 4 kidney cancer and we do 2 normal jobs, he's admin in the hospital and i'm a nurse practitioner in the UK so we dont make a great deal of a salary.
Another related topic that I would love to see covered here: the push to return to office (RTO) by many companies and how it disproportionately affects women, who carry more household duties.
RTO is a net positive.
For whom?
@@sonderexpeditions Exec bootlicker detected.
I'm childfree, but not by choice. I would love to have kids of my own in the future. But with my financial situation, and my health, I don't think I can raise kids in the best environment. 😢
I'm sorry, you can maybe mentor, tutor, or guide in ways that don't require having your own children. But good luck though, I'm not trying to diminish your pain
Same 😔
That's ok, you're working hard to pay taxes to subsidize immigrants and their children - giving them the opportunities they could never afford on their own.
Life is going to be harder for most of these children than it is for us. If you look up overshoot and peak oil, you might understand why the media doesn’t talk about it. It’s too big to deal with and there’s not much we can do to avoid it.
@@soil-play I'm really happy to help restore to my migrant neighbors some of what the US government and US companies robbed them of in their native lands. They likely never would have left if the US hadn't meddled and stolen and propped up awful dictators, and overall made it untenable for them to work and live where they would much rather be. Recommended reading: Harvest of Empire by Juan Gonzalez.
I have wanted to be a mother my entire life; it's the only thing I have ever known for sure. But there is still a good chance that I will end up child free because while I absolutely want to parent, I super don't want to parent in this society.
Ditto. Like, maybe one day I'll be stable enough to be a foster parent or something, but with the ways things are looking? Not good odds.
Same. I feel this. And it's like grieving a death.
Consider leaving the US, it's one of the worst places in the world to start a family. I have school aged children and I don't want to disrupt their lives at this point but if I could do it all over again I would have settled down in Europe before becoming a mother.
I don't understand this. Do you have a partner where the love is strong and mutual? Then the babies! You'll sort out the hard parts together as they come.
41% of adults have medical debt they cant pay already! 60% of Americans are one missed paycheck away from homelessness as is! If you have a baby it's $100,000s+, and if you become homeless they will take your kids away from you! and sometimes- charge you! you don't live in the America we do
the new mom interviewed here has that type of voice that kinda sounds like she's on the brink of tears. It's just how she sounds, but it represents the theme of this vid very well lol
Maybe she was just nervous knowing that this interview would be put on a channel with over one million subs, that's a lot of potential eyes looking at you. I know if it were me, I'd be nervous as heck and probably might actually cry, lol
@@EVBell-gz8iv agreed. I just thought she sounded nervous.
That’s why she’s on here. Video creator picked it lol
She might just not have a radio voice 🤷🏼♀️
Being a parent never appealed to me since I was 10 years old. Looks exhausting and stressful asf. I already work a stressful job (which I love, big difference), I don't need one that's 24/7 365 days a year, I'm good. Fortunately, it's a choice not an obligation anymore.
My 9 year old daughter as told me many times already that when she grows up she doesn’t want to have children. And although I know she has plenty of time to go back and forth with that. I’m content with her not having children or having them. Either way, I don’t care. I want her to do what’s best for her!
Just wish I wasn’t brought up in an environment like that. I felt pressured and like having a child/children was a right of passage as woman.
Now that I’m a mature adult, I’m in the place of “girl do what’s best FOR YOU!”
That's why everyone should pay attention to politics, they are slowly stripping away women's rights, and it's no accident, rights are hard won, easily lost.
The second I learned about how babies were born in elementary I was like “yeah no we’re not doing that. Something that large is not meant to come out of a hole that small.” For a long time I thought I’d adopt, but then I realized that I really only wanted kids so I could enact my opinions on parenting philosophy. I realized that what I wanted was The Sims, not a human child. I used to work with kids, and really love them. But I also love giving them back to their parents at the end of the day and having nights and weekends to myself. You can’t take PTO from your own kids
That freedom to choose you’ve spoken of is under attack in the US.
Not to mention when I finally reached an age where I feel financially secure to consider having a child, our parents reach the age where they become our children due to aging. This is regardless of socioeconomic class. It’s selfish to assume that grandparents are able AND willing to help with childcare (either financially or physically) when they are having trouble caring for themselves. I don’t have children myself but I’m starting to feel like my parents (and my husband parents) are becoming more dependent on us whether it being financially or emotionally or physically- whether we or they like it or not
In actual societies housing being multigenerational is totally normal and good.
In the U.S where I live. The option is ship the parents off to corporate senior center gulag for the price of an international vacation. Or let parents stay in my already crowded place with children so I can watch them all. While my wife and I get endless grief because we "still live with my parents".
Good point! Hang in there
The older generation who want grandkids need to make that possible by using their own wealth to create their kids' economic security while their kids are at a good age to be having those grandkids. But as "prospective grandparents" shifts from boomers to gen X, more and more won't be financially secure themselves, let alone being in a position to help their kids.
Not selfish. It's not bad to inconvenience family. That's what community is about. Plenty of cultures are multigenerational.
I think this depends on the community. Some communities are set up to support multigenerational households and to support older adults aging in place (i.e. at home). But take two adults who were largely separated from their family relationships (wether abuse or distance or whatever) then it's not so accessible or even safe.
While I'd be happy to support my parents if I could afford to do so (or with my time), my partner's dad was quite abusive for most of his childhood and that's not something which would be desirable.
My husband and I are in our mid 20’s and we’ve always wanted kids, always talked about kids, having kids has always been a dream of mine since I was one myself. But we’re gay men. We can’t just lay down and do it and pop out a baby. It’s so much work to get a kid, let alone to foster which is also a dream of mine. When we look at our finances I always feel like that dream slips further and further away. I hope one day it’ll really be possible, but until I exist in a world where I’m not living paycheck to paycheck, which has been my reality for the past decade, I just don’t see how it’ll happen
I hope it will all work out for you two!
Try fostering older children when you get a chance. Alot of people forget that having a baby is just the beginning. Caring for an older kid might give your more insight 😊
I hope you get there. We did raise a child pay check to pay check for a good long time and while I don’t advise it, it didn’t lessen the love or the fulfillment. Good-luck to you.
I hope that it does work out for y’all.
I wish you all the best!!
I had an unplanned pregnancy and was overwhelmed with the amount of work that comes with being pregnant, let alone parenting. I live in MA, so I did received the 12 weeks, but also an additional paid 12 weeks through the state. When I went back to work, I was hit with the reality that parenting is ALL the time. She is on my mind all day. Every single decision I make is for her- that includes being a happy, mentally and emotionally stable person.
Fortunately for us, her dad works from home, so we’ve been able to curb childcare costs for the past 18 months. I’m also try to convince my mom to move 😂. But I also made risky career moves in order to position myself to make more money so I can give/do the things my parents couldn’t/didn’t when I was growing up
Part of the issue is the delayed progress of Millennials through life stages due to graduating into the Great Recession. If you only manage to achieve some measure of economic stability (enough that you feel safe having kids) by the time you're 39, you've nearly been pushed all the way into timing out and risking recessive genetic disorders.
You can buy healthy eggs and semen at a fertility clinic.
@@CordeliaWagner1999Why would you want to do that if you can have your own children??
supposedly you can. Those facilities are NOTORIOUSLY unregulated - especially in the USA (pls look up some of the sperm bank crimes, they get wild). Not to mention eggs are expensive and would require IVF. Sperm is less expensive but you would still need to physically be capable of carrying a child or have the additional funding to afford a surrogate. Essentially, not only would you need to be financially stable, you would need to qualify as rich to have children at 39yo+ @@CordeliaWagner1999
@@CordeliaWagner1999 I didn't have the money to freeze my eggs when I was younger. In the US it's not guaranteed to be covered by health insurance and can thus be on the order of $20k+. If you mean paying for IVF with another woman's eggs and thus have a baby that isn't my DNA at all, I guess I could now that I could afford those kinds of things, but in my case I'd rather just adopt.
42 yo here, still no financial stability
I’m childless and dealing with my elderly parents plus a full time job has come close to killing me. I cannot imagine adding kids to that mix and refuse to feel bad for not reproducing!
I gave birth to my son 3 months ago. He was born 6 weeks premature and was hospitalized twice in his first two months of life and just had a surgery. Luckily my husband and I have a strong emergency fund, good insurance, and work in a state with paid family leave. But we’ve already paid nearly $6,000 between his delivery and medical bills (which doesn’t even include his NICU stay). Being a parent is incredibly rewarding but also so unpredictable and so costly.
Just wanted to add that gender reveal parties are a 100% american construct. Nowhere else in the world do people obsess over such silliness. It's just another way to get people to throw big parties and spend more money (preferably using credit cards). American culture is weird but fascinating to watch and meme about.
America is where traditions are replaced by irrational money wasting.
American culture is rooted in capitalism so 😪
This tradition has migrated to Russia, but it’s rather poor country😀 so only riches do this stupid egocentric shit
India is missing several million women because parents would abort girls when they found out the baby's gender.
Only influencers and mommy bloggers do this shit. The rest of us (the majority) think it’s stupid. American culture is not a monolith.
my family is hispanic - the reason we have so many kids is because everyone contributes and grandparents are the care takers. i help my sister , she helps me. me and my siblings can travel and work as we need. If we had any other way we would have NEVER had kids. we have a village plus we have all had child care / baby sitters / nanny. you have to have all the help in this modern world.
This is the way families should be - all working together and helping/supporting one another. Unfortunately, this got lost somewhere along the way in white middle class US. Now it's like every one for themselves. I wish multigenerational family living would make a comeback. My 92y/o grandmother and I live together and it works out well for both of us. We're able to live relatively comfortably bc we share expenses, plus get to enjoy spending time together in her twilight years.
I feel very fortunate to live in norway where both parents get paid leave, childcare is heavily subsided and we have universal health care and education is free to the parents. I'm very happy to pay taxes even though I don't have kids.
Omg, bless your heart. I live in NL and I am a bit upset at how much money parents get when the cost of having a child is available online and you can make the decision if you can afford one or not. It's like me buying a car or getting a dog and expecting someone else to pay for it (the vet bills can be quite spicy...). I knoooow... The comparison between dogs and children is not fair but objectively, it's still a choice one makes and then expects a lot of benefits based on that choice. If my dog gets sick I have to take a day out of my vacation days. If the child gets sick parents have special free days for that. I don't think it's fair. Especially nowadays when family means more than mama, papa and 1,5 children. I am more upset at those who drop tens (if not hundreds ) of thousands of Euros for infertility treatments and then they say they can't afford 1k for kindergarten. I don't say (!) that parents should not get benefits but I think that those benefits should translate into something else for those who are childfree. Maybe more vacation days? Instead of mama day to have a partner day? Something like that...
@@curtalaura796 I just think society is better if kids and parents are supported. That's the benefit I get from it. Living in a country where all humans have choices and agency and can get education. 😊 But I also think pets owners should have some support. 😊
@@SamarkandChan indeed, having so much support is a blessing. Especially compared with countries like USA. But I wish there was also support for those who choose a different kind of family. And also, parenthood planning and sexual education should be a must before we even start talking about wanting to be a parent.
I wouldn't have a kid even if it came with 10 years of parental leave and a $1,000,000 signing bonus. I enjoy the financial benefits of being childfree by choice, but I simply don't want a child under any circumstances.
Snip snip then
Same! There is no amount of money you could pay me to want to become a parental figure to anyone.
This is exactly how I feel. I wouldn't change my childfree life for anything.
What financial benefits are you talking about?
My mother told me motherhood was overrated.🙂
My dad looked me right in the eye at 14 and said "I don't want kids."
Not kids. Kid. One child is so much easier than any more.
I really enjoy all the topics on this channel as a stay-at-home Dad with 3 teenage boys. Lots of conversations with them that I wouldn't normally know how to approach and research.
Ezra Klein had an excellent podcast interview about the societal level impact of not having kids, and they spoke at length about how no developed country has ever managed to increase the fertility rate with policies or incentives. Obviously parental support is ethical and fair but not an effective lever on fertility.
They ended by pointing at religious and immigrant communities with networks of mutual support and emphasizing how a culture of valuing parenthood raises birth rates.
Governments also can start valuing parenthood. They just can't quite get there because someone has to pay for it and they don't want it to be them.
Even immigrants and the developing world are having less kids. We are at breaking point.. the world doesn’t need more people and this is being reflected globally. SE Asia is seeing some of the sharpest declines in fertility/birth rates and this is a region that the west sees as ‘having family and community values’. Mother Earth and its non human inhabitants need a break!
That is not quite true. Some EU countries have higher birth rates, after introducing better policies (for example Germany). One also doesn't know how far the birth rates would have plummeted without those policies, as contraception and alternative lifestyle options for women improved. Over the last 20 years the birthrate per woman over the whole EU is pretty stable. It is hard to imagine people choosing to have as many children if the policy/worker rights/financial situation was as nightmarish as in the US.
Began the work of acceptance around this exact issue this week. Not easy or nice, but necessary.
Best way to have kids is to time travel to the past and kidnap your younger self
I'd raise me right. Until I grew and resented myself.
If only😂
I love this comment haha! It's true that getting in touch with your inner child is a great experience. You can enjoy all the childlike things parents get to.enjoy with kids without, ya know, actually having the kids lol.
As a 52-year old who knew she didn't want children from her early teens, this is such an interesting video. The majority of my friends have children, but my not having children has never been a big deal.
I've had people I know less well say "Oh, you'll change your mind," but as an only child with no children in my extended family, interacting with babies and children had never been on my radar and I had no interest. My parents never brought up the subject and my mum was very much of the opinion it was my choice and no-one had any right to influence me or pressurise me to go into parenting when it wasn't something I wished to do.
The worst comments I ever had were from a man I worked with who gave me tips on how and when to freeze my eggs, as I wasn't getting any younger. He did survive - I was on my best behaviour that day.
I know I would've regretted having children. I'm convinced I wouldn't have been a good parent. It was never something I seriously considered.
Thanks again, Chelsea.
I think a lot of people genuinely don't realize how much responsibility raising a human actually is. I admire everyone who at some point in their life faced themselves and concluded that they probably wouldn't be a good parent so they're not having a kid and that's it. It's for some reason very controversial to admit that you have simply too many flaws that tend to make the kind of parent who gives their kid trauma. Some of us are simply not made for this and that's ok. That's a responsible decision.
So funny to me how the child free lady interviewed looks so peaceful and composed while the mom looks constantly on the verge of tears 😅 parenting is hard!
Chelsea is firmly in the camp of wanting-nothing-to-do-with-kids. Not showing that there are also happy parents so that you only get the idea that parenthood is misery while having no kids is always happy is intentional slanting.
Parenting is hard, but a lot of things in life are hard. Being a parent is also very rewarding and fulfilling.
I have 3 kids. I have to budget tightly and would have way more money if I did not - heck, my spouse and i had a higher combined income with just one child because we could both work easily during the early daycare years.
But I wouldn't trade the joy and challenges of having children for dinners out, more vacations, or more clothes. When i had more discretionary income and free time, i felt unsatisfied in a way that i just don't having a happy marriage and kids.
Just wanted to add this because i think so many moms have been honest about negative parts of being a parent, labor, pregnancy but actively downplay the joy to avoid making people feel bad.
Thank You. So true!
I'm with you. Mom of three young kids in my late 30s, and we sacrifice for the good of our kids, and I love being part of a stable marriage with great kids. Childless/free people may think that your life ends when you have kids, but I feel like my life BEGAN when I became a mom.
I have found the opposite to be true especially when looking at social media from my experience. The concept of motherhood has been so over romanticized IMO and I find lot of moms only show the cuddly part and gloss over all the sleepless nights, financial costs, illness, etc, etc. I am so glad people are finally speaking out more about the cons of parenthood as this has been so taboo up until recently. People deserve to hear all sides up the story before they make a decision.
@@nataliealex597100%! For decades having children was romanticised, yet a century ago in all parts of the world having children was quite frankly a death sentence yet it was an expectation. I think everyone needs to get both pros and cons of having kids including potential risks.
@@nataliealex597this! Coming from a family where every woman glamorizes being a mother despite the mental health issues that the children suffered from it (hey, it’s me!), I am so happy to KNOW what I might get myself into. And that it IS cuddling and playing and endless love and pride in your children. But that it is a lot of work, sleepless nights, worry, stress, fights, and so much money spent on just keeping the child alive or watched over, too. I like being realistic about a choice that will make my whole life different from now. I‘m turning 30 in May and seriously having problems finding an answer to the question if I even want or can afford children.
I feel like I will be missing something, but at the same time I know that I need to improve on my mental health first before I can be a responsible and calm mother to potential children. I really don’t want to make them feel like they have to give me something back for being born to me or that they owe me anything. They don’t have the choice in this decision so I need to make a responsible choice for them.
Let's see 👀, the powers that be:
1. Want everybody dedicated to a toxic corporate job nearly 24/7.
2. Wages for these toxic unfulfilling jobs, or careers, as they call them, haven't kept up with inflation.
3. The price of real-estate and just about everything else has doubled in only a few years.
4. This debt driven economic system means most will never outright own homes 🏡 and maybe even a car 🚗.
Where's the money 💰 and time ⏲️ to properly raise a kid, and goodness forbid, two or more children, gonna come from? 😳
Right - so knowing that, the thing to do is to side with the powers that be. "You win. I'll give up on the most basic facts of life, which is to have a family." Where's the money and the time going to come from? Meet a loving partner. Share the burdens. That way, you can still live a decent life amid the dystopia.
@@olgab.3961anyone who calls the world dystopian yet still brings a kid into it probably wouldn’t be a very good parent tho
@@RedWestern793 I don't believe that it's dystopian. My family lived through communist revolution, WWI, WWII, Stalinism, etc etc. The sun still shines and we're all okay. I think the current state of bad events is just par for the course of human history.
@@olgab.3961 that doesn’t mean it’s not valid for people to decide they aren’t comfortable with the state of the world (or the increasingly likely climate crisis) and choose to not bring children into it.
@@RedWestern793then again if only the sheep who haven't woken up have children, then the world will become more distopian- that is the dilemma
I have one child I adore her! Could never be happier yet I do not want another one its too expensive and I have a lot of health issues so I do not want to be pregnant and go through that process again, I just don’t want another one. But the amount of times people sometimes strangers tell me I MUST have another one is infuriating, “No you NEED to have another one!” Noo I do not!
One is the very best ❤ my 5yo falls asleep next to me most nights. I couldn’t do that with a toddler/newborn.
Yes, I am in this boat. My 6 year old son is my world! I definitely am not having another.
Yes! Another single child mom here! My family understands our choice and are all for it. My mom has actually said there are a lot of things that she loves doing with my daughter that she couldn’t do if there were 2 kids. Strangers tho! I actually had one boomer guy tell me my husband and I shouldn’t give up and keep trying to give her a sibling (my daughter is clearly adopted when you see our family). I bluntly told him that I had my tubes tied before she was born because it was too dangerous for me to get pregnant and we are very happy with our one kid.
Now, hear me out. I think having kids is/will become a privilege only affordable by the ultra wealthy. This is what's going on. Right now the middle class is disintegrating. Most of the arguments I hear from child free people (I am one lol), are completely non-existant when you add a hundred thousands in the bank. It takes a village to raise a kid and maintain your sanity. Rich people can hire nannies, chauffeurs, tutors and send their kids to university without ever compromising on their quality of life. They get all the advantages of parenting, without the hassles. All those millionaires and billionaires are still having multiple kids. Soon, having kids will be a status symbol, a way to say "look, I got what it takes to be a parent" and I don't know how to feel about it.
True, but there are famous and wealthy people who don't do it out of principle or circumstance.
Pair this with the pressure in the US to make sex ed, abortion, contraception, and even the right to say no to sex an inaccessible luxury for most young women. They still want poor people to have kids - they just want them raised in Dickensian levels of poverty and desperation, with no access to education and no rights. Then they'll have their submissive terrified factory workforce back!
financial problems + impossible to find a partner who earns the same or more
...and wants children!
@@naobe5 or wants to actually do parenting instead of giving the task mostly to the mother.
@@jellyrollyok because I’m married to a good man who wanted to be a parent. He does some of the work but it pales in comparison to the amount of work I put in for the child. He thinks he’s going a great job lol, which is actually sad.
This. The patriarchy comes out in full force when men realize the work that comes with fatherhood @@jellyrolly
@@sarahlo4661I think you’re just underestimating how much he does
I married in 1995 and it never ONCE occurred to me that I could choose not to be a mother. Well done millennials. Parenthood should absolutely be a conscious choice!!!
Anybody else switch from "I want kids" to "I no longer want kids, thank God it didn't happen"?
Great video! I used to not want children because I was scared that I would lose all sense of myself to motherhood. After seeing my sisters become mothers and still be themselves, but with another dimension added to the them, it made me more comfortable to the idea of having children. Then, I met my husband, S, and got married at 28. We received a lot of questions and pressure about having kids, but we waited until we felt like we were in a good place.
I'm currently pregnant with my first at the age of 34 and a big reason why I felt "ready" to a certain extent was because S and I have built up a solid partnership over the years. I also have a slightly spiritual reason, we have a male dog and I kept having this vision of saying "my boys" for my husband, child, and dog. Guess what we're having :) (Btw, would've been thrilled to have a girl too.)
Even as someone who is pregnant, the pressure from older generations is mind boggling to me. For example, we had dinner the other night with my grandmother-in-law (who's a sweet woman but very pushy about kids) and she was going on about how she doesn't understand why people these days don't want children. We explained to her reasons why: it's expensive, desire for freedom, etc. She still wasn't getting it and S replies, "Well, they probably don't understand why you do." Her stunned reaction was priceless lol.
Congrats on your impending arrival!! I always say this: if you and and your partner work well together as a team and survive the hectic (yet rewarding!) blur of infancy/toddler hood, then you're set. Your relationship is solid 👌 Babies are the absolute best, but the reality is that they temporarily revolutionize your life and it takes about a year or so for things to "settle", if that makes sense. Once it does, though - you won't for a single moment regret any of those tough infancy moments. I have two boys myself, and they are such a blast. You get to relive your childhood with your little ones. Making memories with them is my absolute favorite. ❤
@@Gobble_de_Goop having children really was the best team building experience with my husband. It brought us back together even more that the experience of long distance relationship for 6 months.
Congratulations! Thank you for sharing your story and thought process 😊
Hand her your **first bill for daycare, her mouth will audibly snap shut 😂😂
**you could even print off the cost in your area, it’s an expense most parents have even if you personally stay home with your child
Idk why it’s such a conundrum! People like to sleep and having a baby is exhausting
one of the economic reasons some people are worried about millennials not having children is that in the future there won't be enough low-wage workers. that is also one of the reasons why anti-abortion legislature has been gaining power around the world for the first time in a long time. it was partially a response to population loss during the pandemic, particularly one of the worries expressed by people with the most power and wealth is that there might not be enough workers to exploit in the future.
Never wanted to be a mother, seeing my family struggle so much, when I was little (now I'm almost 32). I also don't particularly like children, they are okay, but being around a child 24/7 seems like a nightmare to me. Not to mention a huge financial burden and the child bearing and giving birth process, something I am fairly certain I don't want to go through.
I love seeing these videos where women of different opinions discuss this topic. In my country, a child free woman is seen in a negative way for the most part. I got a lot of comments (not very nice ones) about me being child free from other people and even doctors.. there is certainly not enough discussion about that, and not enough acceptance.
The nice thing about having kids the bad thing about having kids. They grow up.
Being from Italy, my mom was the youngest of her friends to have her first child- being 29 years old. Most her classmates had their kids in their later 30s- and its a reflection of economy and a culture change that focused more on pleasure. I think its prepared me for the shock my fellow Americans, whove always married young, are experiencing now. My mom always said she’d be happy for me if I never married or had children, that it was a freedom. But I do want kids, Im 24, and single and happy to be right now- but between affordability and lesbianism who knows.
The issue of expensive childcare is even more insane in the Midwest/rural areas -- for all other purposes, $75,000-$100,000 a year for a couple is pretty comfortable most places in my state. You can have a classic middle-class lifestyle: afford a decent small house or townhome, take a yearly trip to a different state, and never worry about having enough money for groceries if you're even remotely financially responsible. But despite the rest of the cost of living being much lower, daycare is often within spitting distance of huge urban centers like NYC. My sister-in-law's salary as a teacher (with a Master's degree) was about equal to the cost of daycare for their two kids. My brother is a high enough earner to pay the rest of their bills on his salary, but it was tough for them to decide between daycare and my sister-in-law staying home until the kids were school age. Most working parents around here at least partially rely on childcare help from their parents. Childcare costs are making places previous seen as "great for raising kids" even harder to do so in, as wages are not scaled to handle paying $30,000+ for daycare.
I currently have two kids, I would love to have another child. But the financials are holding up back big time. Namely the fact that we have two small paid for vechiles. We cannot afford larger cars/Suv and we cannot fit 3 car seats in our vechiles. There are other considerations as well, like saving for education, our desire to take our children on vacation and our house only have two bedrooms. Our children will already have to share a room I don't think having a 3rd child in the same room is a great plan.
Absolutely same. We want a third kid as well, but at this point in time, we simply cannot afford it for the exact reasons you listed and more. I’d regret it if we didn’t have a third, but I don’t know how to make it work with our economy being what it is.
I can’t understand why people choosing to be child free is so terrible! Society needs to chill out a bit and mind their own business. Just like any major decision in life, you have to know what’s best for you. If you’re afraid of heights you wouldn’t work as a window washer for a 20 level building, if you’re afraid of flying why become a pilot? I personally hate blood, vomit, needles etc so I would NEVER become a nurse, doctor or anyone in the medical field! You just have to know what’s right for you! Same thing applies to children and your life! You don’t have the finances, time, family support, physical space or patience for kids DON’T HAVE THEM! Why does society get to dictate what we should and shouldn’t do with our personal lives? I wish more people would stop and think before they leaped into parenthood. That’s a mature and wise thing to do.
People should 100% be making their own choices about these things. But when someone who wants kids is choosing not to have them because they can't afford that, this is entirely society's fault. In a civilised country, NOBODY would be making that choice for that reason, because nobody would be that poor.
@@tealkerberus748someone who really wants children will have them. Its not societies fault. These people are unstable and will pay for vet bills and other crap but complain they can't afford a child. They are irresponsible. No use in saying but they are poor.lol. Let's go see how many people you consider poor indeed have children and how many who are not poor but unwise are complaining about what they can't afford.
I'm 25, so the oldest end of Gen Z. I was raised in a single-income family where my parents had kids because they thought that was what they were supposed to do once reaching adulthood, not realizing how expensive we were. And we struggled A LOT- I'm talking no air conditioning and no electricity in the house for months at a time, no internet or TV (in the day and age of internet and TV), no car for years (in an American suburb where we had to depend on individual transportation), and having to rely on food banks.
I like the idea of having children of my own, I recognize some very motherly qualities in myself, but I absolutely refuse to have children that I cannot afford. When I express this, people from my generation label me as "classist" while people from older generations deem it a "dumb" reason for not having kids (because apparently the immense motherly love you have for your children will automatically combat any and every possibly financial issue that comes with raising them).
I hope you get to a place where you can afford kids. Your observations and decisions are wise, I have siblings in economic poverty and while I do what I can to help provide for them and we are fortunate that our mother is more financially stable than when we were little that they don’t experience such extremes as you did. It is hard for them and it is hard for me to see it impact the kids knowing my help only goes so far to offset financial hardships.
No air con isn’t the worst thing in the world. We’re decently well off, and haven’t bothered with it yet, though summers get hot. We also don’t do Tv or cable, and as for internet videos, don’t do much of that AT ALL. We have other activities to keep us busy.
A few thoughts from a "childfree by choice" 35yo Brazilian who has lived in Denmark for the last 5 years:
1 - daycare is NOT FREE in Scandinavia, at least not in Denmark. The government will support very low income families, but middle class pays for it. And it's not cheap. From kindergarten onwards it is free (until 3:30pm, I think)
2 - I disagree with Dominique about the house, the 2 kids being only a dream in the US. Maybe the SUV haha, sure, but everything else I have heard from most men I've met both in Brazil and in Denmark. I don't doubt it's something exported from the US ("the American dream"), but certainly not exclusive from there. More of an exception where it isn't.
3 - About lack of children in Brazil, there's also an element of strong emigration. SO MANY young adults have left the country in the last 5-8 years due to political or economical reasons. Most of the people I have worked with in Tech 10 years ago have left the country (!!!).
4 - About not wanting children and then deciding to have them, every single case I have seen close to me was that these women met men who really wanted children and got convinced that this is what they really wanted. I almost fell for this trap myself. I think the question women need to ask themselves is: if this man leaves, will I still want to be a mother? Because an alarming number of marriages end in the first 2 years of a child. And many men are excited to be hands-on but don't understand what this really means in practice, the enormous amount of work that it is. I think Dominique talked really well about this.
5 - YES CHILDREN OF MEN IS AN AMAZING MOVIE ❤️
I think the "American dream" of 2.5 kids, house, 2 cars, was a tool to push capitalism/consumerism. Especially with the expansion of the suburbs in the mid-20th century (in America). This was likely exported from the US to other parts of the world, but it is interested to see now how other parts of the world seem to more quickly push back on this notion. I'm thinking of Asian countries, where women are opting out of marriage and children, and some European countries, where single motherhood appears to be more social acceptable and marriage isn't this huge industrial complex like in America. But my view is limited from the USA.
As a child of one of those brazilians who emigrated for better wages (in the early 1990s tho), i think (anedoctal evidence) that it set back that population career-wise once they came back. My mother once mentioned how postponing her college degree for her late 30s and then reentering the brazilian work force delayed her retirement. And she got a higher education at all! My father hasn't even considered this possibility... I wonder how many dekaseguis from those first waves end up in a similar position
Point 4 is a big one. Concordo muito! A lot of women wouldn’t choose to do it alone if it came down to it.
Com a pool masculina disponível no BR, n ter filhos ta é sendo livramento. Deus de dibre.
Not all women in the past had kids. People tend to focus on women in the past that had kids to make a point about having kids.
Growing up I don’t think I ever played house or dreamed about getting Married and having kids. As a kid I don’t think I thought about the dream wedding. I did not like dressing as girly girl as a child. And I still don’t.
I grew up with my brother and my dad who was a single father after my brother and I’s mom and dad got divorced.
My dad had help raising us because he worked a lot and still does. He still made time for brother and I.
People are not weak for needing people to help raise their kids. People know what their weaknesses are when raising kids so they try to find people who have the child raising strength they don’t have. Like time and money.
I remember times when my brother and Is dad took us to work with him. I’m glad he did.
I'm from the UK and there's very little pressure to have children. I'm going to be 30 in August. Everyone I went to university and school with, it's rare to see them have kids already. Also, none of my close friends want them. Im the anomaly, as I change my mind a lot on it! But I'm 70% certain it's not for me. Whereas they're certain xx
28 and also UK here. Most of the people I know my age either have kids already or don't but want them but can't, be it for fertility issues or because they struggle with attracting women. It's still a rarity I find someone who says they don't want kids. There also seems to be quite a lot of benefits available that makes having kids less difficult, especially if you are or pretend to be a single mum, which I know of many young girls who are doing this.
I’m about to be 28 and American and I only have one friend from university who wants kids. Everyone else is very set on not having them. Even among people I vaguely know from uni, only one has a kid. On the flip side good number of folks I went to high school with have kids now, but I’m also from the South. I think even within a country there can be regional/class/micro-generational (most of the people interviewed are mid 30s - 40s) difference in how people feel about kids
As someone about to have a hysterectomy, I have no choice but to come to terms I wont have biological kids. But even before that, my physical, mental, and financial health has not been the best. I worked in Education for years, and I was exhausted from it. I realized then that kids and parenting weren't for me. My mother and grandma both had horrible pregnancies. I carry the same medical history, so it would have probably not gone well for me anyway.
I knew that I didn’t want kids from a very young age. Growing up and seeing the physical and financial costs of pregnancy and childcare only solidified my decision even more. If I ever change my mind I’d adopt an older child, but only if I knew I could truly afford to give them the care they deserved.
I stopped this video at 13.40 because I think it's true: this idea of motherhood and family is strictly North American. To the point you even need a "childfree community"! As a European, as an Italian, I don't understand anything of this, I don't really get the point in declaring (at 25!!) if you want children or not. In Italy many people don't have children at all or have them after 35, nobody can really afford a family unless we have support from our parents, but we don't rely solely on private schools or private health care , so maybe that's a reason why we don't need to cultivate the "dream" of the perfect family having it all: at one point some of us simply take the last chance to build a family and manage to make it work. I personally never thought much about children and now I'm 39, many of my friends had them less than 5/4 years ago and some didn't. never felt the pressure, but maybe not every background here is the same.
I feel that the expectations for what makes a good parent has never been higher. The financial, emotional, and time burdens are all consuming. We also live in a time where parents take the blame for poor choices their children make. My parents left me alone for hours everyday to wander feral for miles around my home, I was a latch key kid, they never put me in extra curricular activities, they yelled when they were angry. My family never thought of paying for my college, we were expected to shoulder that burden alone. I'm honestly not reliving the glory days, but I think understanding the different expectations on parents now a days goes a long way to explaining why people are looking at parenthood and opting out. I do think that people when considering whether or not they want to be parents think only of what it's like to have young children. However, that stage of diapers and sleepless nights is actually over fairly quickly, especially if you only have one or two kids. Most of your time as a parent will be when your kids are adults. Kind of mind blowing.
Father changes diapers for three days, she give him a bluddy medal!! Pitiful. 53 and so happy to be child free!!!
It's interesting that you pointed out that it's almost always men who try to sell you on the idea of having kids - not something I had fully registered has also been my experience. It's pretty rare I've met a woman who tries to change my mind - I can count the number on one hand. It never feels great, but the tone is very different when a man does it than a woman; women often feel like they want to share an experience they've enjoyed, but men often come across as less about what a wonderful experience it would be, but rather as if my primary purpose in life aught to be childbearing because I am a woman. What other purpose could there possibly be for me, is often the feel of the undertone, never spoken with the intent of insult, but rather with a staggering deafness to why it's unwelcome.
On a less serious note - what's the little static guy in the bottom left who appeared off and on for part of the video??
Yeah ,the mansplainers love this topic
Speaking as a mother of 5, if you're not committed to this enough to read up on the things pregnancy and labour can do to you and say "yeah, but it's worth it" then parenting probably isn't for you. Nearly a decade after the last time I gave birth I still have persistent pain and debility from what that labour did to me. 100% worth it to me. Wouldn't wish it on anyone who wasn't fully willing.
And that's just pregnancy and labour. Then the real work starts. Again, 100% worth it to me, wouldn't wish it on anyone who wasn't fully willing.
I've known since my teenage years (I grew up in the south and was already being asked if I wanted to have a family before I hit 18, but that's a different concern lol) that I didn't want children. I just turned 30 and that has never changed, and I think one of the things that has always bothered me is that people think I hate kids. I really enjoy kids, and I started saying that I wanted to be the "cool aunt" and that I hoped if I got married, my husband might have siblings who had children so I could be involved in their lives. But it was this weird assumption that either 1) I couldn't have children, 2) I would change my mind, or 3) I hated kids.
But surprise! It's actually secret option number 4) it's none of ya business, but I just don't want to have my own 😆
The only thing i disagree with is the fact that it was said that having kids and the nuclear family dream isnt heavily pushed in Europe. I cant speak for all of Europe because the countries are diverse but trust me as someone living in France being childfree in France is a no no. Though things have gotten better over the years. French society heavily pushes for couples to have kids.
Nevertheless, i loved the video!
But then in France people don't expect you to drop everything to have kids and helicopter parenting is quite frowned upon. We have much more help including a lot of financial help from the States for childcare
@marinepaulhiac-pison2972 I was referencing the point that the speaker made in regard to there being less pressure to have kids in europe.
Like I said I can't speak for all of Europe but in France it is definitely taboo to be childfree and although they don't expect you to stop everything to start popping out kids there is the expectation that you will have a child. France like most countries across the globe being childfree is not the norm and going against the norm comes with criticism, especially in a country where the government helps with childcare people don't understand why someone would not want to have kids.
@@tylermarie1371 you are right. In France it would be more difficult to be child free because you don't have this excuse of having abandonned your career. And this is why France has one of the highest birth rate in Europe (although it has significantly dropped)
And you can not put all european countries together. I am French, both of my kids were born in Germamy and I live in the States. For ex in Germany there is so much pressure to be a perfect mother that woman don't have as much kids as in France.
I'll just make a quick note here.
It was mentioned that childcare was free in Scandinavia. This is not true, at least not in Denmark and I'm pretty sure it's paid in Sweden as well.
Im a child free by choice male from Denmark working in childcare.
Denmarks healthcare and childcare system is under alot of pressure here aswell.
Keep up the great work! Love these videos 😊
But how much are you paying?
@@Ashni1 Depends on the age of the Child. If you have a todler its more expensive. Thats around 3.5 - 4000 Dkk a month.
I have a standart decent paying job and earn 20.000 after taxes. So its quite a sum, especially for lower income people.
@@casperm513 it’s still way less than we pay. We have plenty of parents that leave the work force because they will pay more in childcare for 2 kids than they make. Is it subsidized?
@@Ashni1 Oh yeh im not saying the danish system is not way better, even though it has alot of problems.
Its obviosly way cheaper here.
My point is just that its not free :)
yes, the goverment pays for alot of the expenses. Part of why we have so high taxes.
@@casperm513 oh, yeah. I’m not arguing it was free. Just the scale of difference. I’d love for that to be the case here. The closest my family has to subsidized is that we can use a certain type of account to avoid taxes on the money we use to pay for child care. If you are low income you might qualify for some child care, but that is state controlled and not federal, so it varies a lot. And some states have free pre-k. But that is just the year before the kid starts kindergarten and is only a few hours a day or a few days a week.
I know several people who want to have another child but have had only one because of financial/ health reasons and less support for childcare.
when you included a quick plug for “the society at TFD” i heard “the asylum of TFD” 😂
which….honestly also sounds like fun
I see so many reasons why having children is unaffordable. I don't see a lot of talk about how aging alone is unaffordable. So many kids take care of their parents in their old age. I genuinely don't think my grandma would have been alive for the past ten years if not for her kids' care / assistance, financial assistance (including financial fluency) and medical advocacy. It comes back around in the other unfair system of elder care. The kids who burden us as parents become the caretakers we burden as their parents.
As someone firmly in the sandwich (one kid, one parent headed towards needing full-time care soon) - it’s really hitting home for me how if you can’t afford a child, you also can’t afford to do eldercare. My siblings are spread out geographically for work and none of us can afford to quit our jobs to provide high level care ourselves, but we also would really struggle to pay for good quality care from someone else. (This is for the exact same reason: care work is a market failure because it requires too many skilled workers per cared-for person to be affordable to the middle class and still profitable). I know so many women who’ve wound up in trouble at work for taking too much time off/being too harried and distracted from doing aging parents’ medical management.
But the danger is that children are not a retirement plan. Plenty of families become fractured and the kids leave, or maybe the kids can't afford or are otherwise unable to care for parents. Some parents have medical issues that require professional care. It's not fair to place that burden on their kids. A baby is honestly easier and cheaper than an elder with medical issues. We're taking the failure of the healthcare system and relying on burdening individuals as a bandaid instead of addressing the systemic failure.
@@user-rc2yf8kt7i I agree, they're not a retirement plan. But even if not financial, again that advocacy and logistics thing. Like my grandma would not in a million years have been able to arrange the caregivers she has and pays for (grandma's money but my mom runs the actual logistics of getting the caregivers paid) and no case manager was going to help her the way her kids have. She'd likely have been ushered into state care and not healed well from her various falls and wounds without her kids' monitoring and care. Loneliness is another factor I think about. I just think I'd be really lonely once I'm older if my spouse passes on, and my parents are gone, and I have no kids. Loneliness literally is a killer. It's no small factor in my opinion and should be weighed. What it looks like to not have kids at 30, 40, 50, and 60 becomes a pretty different picture at 70, 80, 90 and I think it's hard for us to imagine a projection of ourselves in the future where we have a significantly more limited capacity (physically, intellectually), when that's the age when kids become a MAJOR lifesaving asset for so many people.
It’s pretty fucked up to have kids with the intention that they’ll support you when you’re old. How the hell are they supposed to raise their own kids? Part of why a lot of people now aren’t having kids is because they can’t afford them after supporting their own parents. If you see the kids you CHOSE to have as them burdening you by existing, then don’t have kids. That’s sick.
@@noelletakesthesky3977 Everyone burdens other people sometimes. No one is an island. This is a more traditional and culturally-specific view of social reciprocity. It also works best when the generation gap is smaller and people are less geographically disbursed. In a reciprocal parenting-eldercare culture, your parents are typically about 40-50 when you start having kids, and are concretely helpful until your kids are older, at which point you have more leeway to take care of your parents. This system has huge flaws: it limits personal autonomy, it strands people without support when there's alienation or someone passes away unexpectedly, and it tends to fall heavily on women working for free. Our current US viewpoints about parenting are also culturally specific and also follow the economic setting in which parenting happens. (As children became more and more of a perceived luxury, "ideal" parenting became more and more intensive and unattainable, and parents and children occupy a smaller and smaller part of society. This also strands many elderly people, parents, and children without adequate support) These are questions of setting and social and economic context. Different values function better in different contexts. I don't think our current parenting values are working well in the US context, and god knows I don't want the old ones back, so idk what comes next.
Currently without children but I promised I would have a mortgage before I ever have kids. Its tricky trying to solve the housing piece in this economy. Since we were fortunate enough to keep our debt WAY low, we are looking into FHA and USDA, but I understand those loans aren't really accessible for folks with high DTI ratio and college loans in general.
We managed to get a USDA loan for our home. With some credit debt and student debt and only a moderate income at the time. We did technically have a great credit score. My little sister and her husband managed to secure it too once he bumped up his credit to the requirement with the advice of his loan advisor. Don’t rule it out to quickly. Good luck!
Hi! Childfree Gen X'er here. 😊
When you mentioned being part of the first generation getting all that parenting social media stuff, I suddenly thought of all the magazines that my mom subscribed to in the 80s. They would fit right into the trad wife scene - Parents, Parenting, Good Housekeeping, and Better Homes and Gardens. I guess they were a little like to the social media that you experienced, just way less pushy.
I -- having absolutely *zero* interest in having kids from as early as I can remember -- was reading those magazines every month in my preteen and early teen years. I got some sort of humor out of the parenting ones in particular, as I never saw myself in the kids described in their pages.
Yeah, I was a *weird* kid. 😆😆 😆
Just want to add that childcare is not free in Scandinavia, but it's highly subsidized. In Copenhagen I think it maxes out at ~8700 USD/year, unless you're in international or private care
‘’I don’t see this in Europe” Europe is not a country. We all have different cultures and different types of misogyny, so yes, that lifestyle is still pushed here too. More often in poor countries than in developed ones, but it is still an issue for women everywhere, not just in the US.
I agree completely with Maggie who changed her mind, same exact reasons for me! Of course, I still 100% believe children should be well thought out and no one should be forced to be a parent, ever. Do it ONLY if YOU really want to AND can afford it mentally and financially!
I changed a cousin’s diaper when I was 8 and I knew then and there I wanted to be CF.
Thankfully my relatives left me alone about that but men I dated tried to change my mind. But they waited until a year or two into the relationship to tell me that. “You’d be a beautiful pregnant woman!”
YUCK!!!! I never even pictured myself pregnant and these idiots (four or five and they seemed to have the same script) were!!!!
Anyways so grateful to my younger self for dumping them and just living life.
Why the premier so far awayyyy 😩 it’s my pet peeve!
Just like our financial stability, this too is far away.
Ya just post the video. I can't deal with the preview with my ADHD. Just post it!
Like I’m excited when I first see the title/thumbnail, but by the time the video actually releases, it feels like old news
I've gotten anti-abortion advocates to take a pause by saying "parenthood should be something people freely embrace, not something they're forced into," and "parenthood should be a blessing, not a punishment"
As someone who's anti abortion I agree, but since abortion is murdering an innocent human being it can't be the method to to avoid parenthood.
@@rebeccahicks2392an innocent fleck of cells? Don’t play dense
As a forty year old who lives a frugal lifestyle and still can not afford a home, it makes sense. Why bring a child into this world when you can barely secure a roof over your own head? Are you that desperate for kids to suffer?
I am gay, 50's, no kids, no husband so I dont have a dog in this hunt. I do feel like so many younger folks see having kids as an aspirational thing. Once the career, the spouse, the mortgage, the book club, hiking in the Cascades happens then its time to start planning a kid. Then you need twice as much house with a yard and a bigger car, the best school, playdates, etc.
Hello, fellow Pacific Northwesterner!
PNW represent! My preschooler asked to go camping today, we just finished the ski season!
I am and have always been childfree by choice. However, I am super supportive if you want to have kids. And I love my friend’s kids. I have other reasons for ensuring I never got pregnant. But I don’t really talk about it unless someone asks. Cause it is just what I wanted or didn’t want. About 5 years ago at the age on 37, I had a hysterectomy and then people in my life would tell me, “it’s okay, you can still adopt.” Ummm…I don’t want them, why would I adopt. But I am an over educated single childfree woman in Texas, so it is regularly implied I am an enemy of the state. Though I would argue I add much more to society by my work as a professor and therapist in a mental healthcare facility. But…
My gawd, everything about this! Motherhood was something I never aspired to in my 20s for a number of reasons but a big (if not the main) part being the American motherhood experience. Mommy and me classes, the perfect 2.5 children, SUV taxi life, and just general stereotypical soccer mom vibe was NOT going to do it for me. But as I traveled through my 20s and saw different ways other cultures parent, I warmed to the idea. It's not that I never wanted kids, I just wanted to mother differently. Now as a soon-to-be mom I feel equipped to shape motherhood how I see fit and will lay down the law against anyone who tells me differently.
I ended up being a stay at home mom, which I didn’t want to do, because childcare cost more than our rent. Childcare for 2 days a week. It also cost more than I could make working full or part time. On top of that we didn’t have any help from family members that had told us that they would help us (funny thing is that they have my husbands brothers kids almost every weekend overnight). Then add to everything that both of my kids have some special needs. I was incredible burned out for about 23 years. Now I can’t find a job outside of the home as a middle aged woman with a huge employment gap. My kids need less support now but my elderly mother lives with us and needs more support. This was not what I chose for myself but it was what received. No parental support, special needs kids with no support, nothing for myself. Now here I am with nothing for myself.
I am one of those who chose to be child-free because of childhood trauma. I had an abusive childhood, and I still have a lot of baggage from that and I have a deep fear of passing it on my future child/abusing them the same way I was abused. I also look at the state of the world with our human rights being threatened to be taken away, corruption in the government, late-stage capitalism, global warming, the rise of f**cism and n*zism, etc. And I realize that I would never want to subject my future child to any of that.
Sad but true. I figured it out by the age of 13. Women lose a lot of power when they have children. The thought of raising a child by myself in a world that discriminates against single moms all while paying a fortune for daycare is extremely unappealing. Also the pool of good partners available to single moms is extremely rough. I’ve never had romantic ideas of marriage and children. I think I’d like my child until about age 2. After that I’d be drunk every day. Also I love your comments about folks generally dating within their class. I find it hilarious that so many folks fall for the idea that a millionaire or someone with 10/10 looks would fall for them when they’re a 4/10 and have have a negative net worth. Scammers laugh all the way to the bank on this fantasy.