Why These Types Of Nice Guys ALWAYS Finish Last (How to Recover)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 พ.ค. 2024
- Are you tired of always being the nice guy but never getting the girl? Do you feel like your kindness goes unnoticed or unappreciated? You might be experiencing what's commonly known as "Nice Guy Syndrome."
In this video, we delve deep into the complexities of Nice Guy Syndrome, exploring its origins, manifestations, and the impact it can have on relationships and self-esteem. From societal expectations to personal insecurities, we uncover the underlying factors driving this phenomenon and offer practical insights on how to break free from its grip.
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It’s as if these women want to be in an abusive relationship.
That's because they DO. In their minds, the way their parents treated them is normal, the way they should be treated. So when they meet a normal guy, AKA a nice guy, a good guy, they either don't know what to do or they are totally turned off. I agree, it makes no sense. It's not logical. But it's what Sarah is saying.
I don't understand how this comment got 23 likes
Suckitup buttercup. I've given up some of my wants and needs my whole life. It's called marriage or being a good friend or neighbor. ALWAYS be nice if you can.
If you really need to not be nice make it count. One example.... Screw those bullriders. Grabbing my fiance butt at a rodeo dance didn't work out too well for him.
They love and need drama to make them tick
Challenge accepted
Sarah is wrong, like the mainstream narrative, Sarah has moved the goalposts, and changed the meaning of nice guy. Nice guy never meant manipulator, deceiver or people pleaser. It meant nice or good and in the relationship context perhaps a bit boring and lacking in outright sex appeal but otherwise a dependable nice guy. The sort of bloke who would be friend zoned immediately. He is routinely rejected by women because there is mostly no sex appeal or chemistry not because he isn't actually nice.
The female of the species doesn't like accepting responsibility for her actions, so now the nice guy so often rejected despite overall offering a better marriage prospect than the bad boys or alphas, is now no longer considered nice. Instead, he is now a manipulator, deceiver or people pleaser, now his rejection is seemingly justified as he was never a valid choice in the first place.
Reverse the genders and we see women display the same if not worse inauthenticity than men, eg promiscuous with one man and pure with another. Being inauthentic, a manipulator, deceiver or people pleaser are not traits exclusive to men and are just as common in women but rarely mentioned.
What is a bloke ?
English way of saying dude, guy.
I do have a feeling it’s better to be kind than to be nice. Nice guy often have hidden agendas in stuff they expect and are resentful when these expectations aren’t met
@@larrybrinley8222 Australian for "fella" Or see jbdsv8175's answer above.
"The female of the species?"
the more info i seek/get on this stuff, the more shit i feel, finding something new all the time thats wrong
Nice guy here. I never say no to overtime at work. That's why I have money in the bank and my house is paid for . Plus no debt . Life iss good ❤
Fellow nice guy here, I respect what you said and your point of view… at the same time from personal experience, to a degree it’s good to be able to say no occasionally and stand for what you yourself believe in
I think you’re missing the point. Money can be an external validator.
Do you do it for the $ or to suck up to Mr. Bossy-Wossy?
@@visaman for the money. I don't kiss anybody butt
@@kyleskidmore2539 balance is the key. Always
On a bike in the mountains.. he’s an hero. Sounds perfect to me too. MGTOW
I can't stand mountain bikers. Arrogant pricks. Yes, I'm a local.
As a nice guy in recovery and still learning a lot. I have a long ways to go. This is the first video where I feel seen. I also feel like I have insight now that is tangible and I can put words to express my feelings that I have been running subconsciously.
My actions are purely fear based and I do manipulate situations to make sure I'm safe or not going to feel like that 4-6 year old who can't function because of shame, embarrassment, anxiety or fear.
I'm learning a lot and didn't realize how much of my life has been didcated by these actions. It also holds me accountable for my actions which is what I appreciate and need.
Thank you so much for this video.
I just found her this weekend. Then found the book no more Mr nice guy. It is resonating with me. But it’s also really heavy. Taking it one chapter at a sitting.
I have been in therapy on and off for years. We have touched on these topics. But this brings everything together. It finally makes sense.
ahh don't listen to this garbage. Just challenge yourself.. get a good job or at least accomplish something. then only talk to extra hot chicks ...women bond with anyone. they are all wrecks ... so you know its an ego boost .. hot as in attractive and nice.. the rest who cares not worth it. she should be thin... not fat.. and angelical
Looks like the comment section didn’t go the way she wanted it to 🤣
It usually doesn't because she's full of herself half of the time
@@larrybrinley8222 She thinks because she roped an older man; she is qualified to give advice .
I view her as a low key grifter,borderline predator . … I’ve even seen her tell the men in her comments to “ calm down “ 🤣
No one’s advice is right for everyone. Some of our work is to “remove the log from our eye before telling someone to remove the speck from theirs.”
@@SeekerGoOn2013 hmmm totally out of context and a bit passive agresiva
I resent the nice guy label but I will protect myself at all costs even if it means being alone. If you show attention to women they own that power over you and I refuse to give it to them.
Yep lol .
And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make
How much money and how many years will it take for me to be or feel normal. So far I have chosen to be myself by myself and I’m more than okay with being avoidant .
This is spot on. Until I did a deep dive into why I felt a "hole in my heart" and why I was such a people pleaser, I was not attractive to women, unless they wanted a man they could dominate and control. Since I have developed a stronger self acceptance and respect, things have changed. I had to learn that speaking about my needs and not catering to another without question, was what was missing and made me more attractive.
Why do millions of women say they're looking for nice guys, then reject all of them who show an interest in them?
Not necessarily true ✨
Because they don't know what they want, will never know what they want, and can change their mind at the drop of a dime! 🫢🤷
@@PredatoryTeeth
Well if you say SO 💯
They don't want the type of guys who'll do anything to please (due to problem parents), making the women they feel they can walk all over them, as one woman told me.
@@PredatoryTeeth They must know they don't want nice guys.
Thanks, Sarah for putting this together. This is a tough subject for me. Extremely triggering, but it’s something that all men need to listen to. It’s like taking your medicine. You have to do it. Our mothers do tell us to just be a good boy and everything will work out. It doesn’t. I found that people actually reject you because it’s unnatural to be a nice guy people pleaser.
You can also end up that way from a narcissistic relationship, it's not always upbringing.
Thats what happened to me
I'm wary of people who claim to have "done the work" in therapy, and are now all better. There's a telltale smugness in that that gives it away. Sometimes, what passes for healing at first, turns out to be little more than the replacement of one defensive belief system for another. But nonetheless, I like your advice to drop the facade when we notice it, venture into the resulting discomfort and slow down and experience it with patience and curiosity. But we will never fully be that which we could not be in the formative years. So please set expectations accordingly.
Women want the finished product in men, without walking with him through his process of becoming his inner and outer potential. "The Nice Guy" is a process (( grant you, not all men make it through this process)) of growing into his mature self, and women hate this process. Simply because you love the energy of the young man, SO you want to change them. And what I hear is shame.
If they are teenagers it's fine, but if the guy is in his 50s and acting immature, it's a problem.
@@visaman This covers quite the range of women, and sadly, you won't know until you've been in it for a while.
I love how much compassion do you have for the nice guys.
I have a valid passport and I will put it to good use
When one reaches 70 one no longer gives a fxxk.
Now hold on there partner...I'm years beyond 70, and though things are different, I try to live by the motto "Keep an open mind and act like an artist (which I am) BUT think, fail, and learn like a scientist." That my friend will get you through a lot of life's challenges!
Recovering Nice guy here. Thank you for your videos Sarah. You tell some hard to hear but necessary truths
Loved your interview with Robert Glover. Reading the book for the second time now.
I started doing trauma work a little over 3 years ago and I notice that it becomes easier to set boundaries and being more comfortable with conflict.
Now find ways to do away with the validation seeking. That’s challenging.
Very good insightful video Sarah.
Love your work! Thank you!
Thank you for your insight.
That was the Gulf War, Iraq, and Afghanistan. Did not really want to go but the chaplain said I had to. Thank you for your service.
You are so right! You described my life, I didn't grow up with my biological father, and my mom was always occupied with my older sisters' lives. I avoided conflicts like the plague. I'm married to a woman who has been diagnosed with anxiety disorder.
Well said❤❤❤
Congratulations on a half a million subs on YT 👍
Good review of my life. It does take some time, but attachment style can become secure and healthy. Replace boundaries with the need to have to say yes.
Spot on
I do not recognise these men she is talking about.
I work with men I would describe as nice guys. They lack self confidence. They do not ask for much, and work for the benefit of others. They have no hidden agenda, and are great team players. Many are single.
Absolutely. 2 ex wives had these qualities or defects. Didn't want me to be with any of my friends. Didn't want me to do my hobbies. I.e. my love of cars. After years of counseling realized both women suffered from BPD.. Am single again and happy. I date when it suits me.
Toxic shame is so true.. I coined the phrase ..It's all my fault will clean it up !
I tried to always keep the peace in relationships..it always backfired.
Not knowing how to say no, you learn that pretty fast,. I loaned my car to a friend for a date because I couldn't say no. He wrecked it and later other guys asked me to sign out a rental car so they could drive it. Now, saying no came very easy.
Grew up with four sisters. Mom said that I never asked for anything. I asked. Nobody heard. When i was brought home by the priest and police, she was shocked. I was never the nice guy.
The Dishes… please 😂
Gsus, it's like you read me like book. I was (am?) that 50y old "nice guy"...
Been married 3 times each went down in flames for different reasons. Now I'm faced with being labeled by my new partner as anti-social? Why because I'm supposed to happy to be around her family at events i do not care to attend. We argue about about it and I awful that I stand up for myself to her and say, these are not my people, and just because I don't go out of my way to socialize with them at dinners, I'm the bad person? Sometimes, i just want to leave her, but I don't want to lose this person. Any insight?
I find it very confusing that women would want a lot of "princess treatment" flowers, dates, doing sweet things for them. Only for that to be something that would make them think you are needy or that you need their validation.
That is true for me. I'd really like to be validated and also do those sorts of things for a woman.
So I guess today I don't get to do that.
To be secure I should be not doing any "nice" thing for a woman. I shouldn't look to be the "loudest" in the room. I guess I wouldn't know how else to attract a women. If that was even an option.
Sarah, video is very helpful. I am mid-age, 3 years after divorce. In my professional life, I never had problems to have my opinion, share it and fight for it, if necessary, also loud. Say since 6 years ago I am on the way out of this "syndrome", which mostly showed up in my private relationships, but still having problems with emotional control when getting to know interesting people, especially women. I learned to reject women I do not like, but I have the feeling I am still a bit rude then - a bit of gaslighting instead of more open comms. At the same time, many-many women do it as well - this is the usual "stops responding" "pulls away" etc. Which is of course no excuse for it.
Lol I wouldn’t take anything Sarah says seriously
@@panchopistola8298 The question is, if it resonates, or not. For me, it does.
@@spxram4793 Not everyone can be a real man. It’s okay.
@@panchopistola8298 be welcome to your world of illusions.
Okay,I previously thought I was a nice guy but I now know that I'm not, however I do suffer from some of the symptoms
Yeah, me too. I'm just confused now. The lack of examples whenever this topic is discussed drives me up the wall.
"You need to set boundaries."
I know I am able to say no, if that's all it means. Should I close the video now, it's not really relevant to me then?
The part about needing people to like you sounds bizarre. People are social animals, of course we need to be liked, just not by every single stranger, that's obviously unhealthy and impossible. So what's healthy then?
Damn! U just described me. I am that people pleaser that thinks just like that. If I make her happy I mite b of value to her n maybe she'll love me. But no matter how hard I try or how happy I think I make her, it never seems 2 work out that way. It's so messed up n I'm the 1 that keeps this cycle going. What really suck is I can usually see when people r taking advantage of me, I can see when sum1 is walking all over me. I see when the bullshit is happening but I allow it 2 happen anyways. I get used n toyed with b women all the time. Especially the ones I've known n dated 4 a while. They are the ones that really know how I am n they take full advantage of that n basically treat me like shit. N I continue 2 take it cuz I want to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. I want to feel I'm of sum kind of worth to sum1.
Sarah, you totally lost me somewhere along the way. You make it sound so easy but I’ve come to the point that I’m going to be myself and if they don’t like me, oh well. It is what it is.
OK ,Professor, whatever ! How lonĝ has it taken you to figure out all this?
Some does seem applicable, and I've found that forgiveness goes a long ways toward peace of mind. For self & others.
2:04 What kid has the self-awareness to know he needs his parents’ support and can ask them for it?
6:55 You are spot on SDM!
20:21 How about resurrecting the young child’s response “I don’t feel like it”?
Beaver Cleaver?
Understood facts game which I define simultaneously as knowledge on specific topics and skills and strategies to achieve goals from that aspect in terms of men and women actually dealin with each other non platonically there's different strategies and those strategies can either be to play games or to simply apply advanced game skillfully in order to actually achieve any desired goals
Ouch!🎯🥴🖤
Sarah, I’ve wondered in some of your videos; if the roles might be reversed between men and women with the given topic. Never more so than in this video on this topic. From my perspective it could just as easily been about “Nice women”.
I would rather die that become something I wont recognise.
Did you watch the Time Travelers Wife yet? What did you think of that relationship?
If you can get past all the psychobabble she is spewing to try and justify what she is saying, the point is it's okay to want a woman, just don't need her. If you don't need her you can have clear boundaries with her, can take charge and walk away when she is a net negative. You also won't be a doormat for her to step on and disrespect.
Well that the story of my life....
❤it 😍
Damn I need a lot of work🤫
in my experience of having met dozens of attractive women almost all after age 25 are train wrecks the hotter the more carnage. If you are a nice guy put your energy into as young as you can find - a lot easier. Birth control causes as much brain damage as heavy drug or alcohol usage avoid those ones as well as ones that have spent up their sexuality.
Always try to be a nice guy.
Especially if you have a pair.
It’s tragic. Came from a narcissistic FATHER. Not my mother. And narcissistic, not codependent. Seems to be crossing over both conditions here.
" Finish" what last ?
I really don't know, just what they mean by, Nice guys always finish Last?!
Oh dam I'm late for my date....with myself
She makes some decent points but she's making a lot of assumptions about how nice guys are. There's a lot of women who complain about the men they've dated and want someone nice then cut things off quickly. There isn't a one size fits all approach.
Hmm, that’s never been my understanding of what it means to be “a nice guy who finishes last” (with women).
I have always taken that to mean beta males who lack self confidence so they try to win a woman by bending themselves into a CB pretzel trying to figure out what she wants so she’ll sleep with him.
But, I’m not a female life coach, so maybe there’s another interpretation of this concept.
That being said, I can find no greater feeling than do super deep meditations. I highly recommend Caroline McCready’s channel where one of her videos is entitled *Bone Deep Meditation.*
By the time someone has done this meditation about 20 times, they’ll be absolutely certain they don’t need validation from anyone.
If you ask a woman how her date went, and she answers,
"He's a nice guy, but..."
That's a problem that the guy has to address
Its the word "nice". The entertainment industry has made it anathema & vilified it. I prefer to use "cool". If i dont like you, i wont be "cool". Heck, i wont even talk to you lol.
Love bomber here.
What will you do when you're out of bombs?
@@jimiMachendrix Well, now that realize it I think I'm about out of bombs.
...more like... if you think I'm doing it wrong, maybe you should do it ur self.
Anyways... I think our idea of nice guy is not the same... you're describing a doormat. Like that Geno guy in that TLC show.
Wouldn’t it just be easier to be the bad boy? If this is what women want, give it to them. Then just move on to the next one. My life. My choice? Drizzle drizzle.
My personal issue with what you suggest is if I treated women the same way the last 3 treated me, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
@@JedEkert I’m not suggesting it’s right. You’re a moral guy. I’m suggesting that if all you’re looking for is short term relationships where you aren’t hurt, it could very well be the way. I stopped being a bad boy in my first marriage. My life went south, and I’m recovering from that mess currently.
ℍ𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕠👋🌸
Dont bother with these women. You'll never be good enough
Get into therapy together, especially if you have children involved.
I cannot stop my nice guy behavior and will take my own life. If I spend any more time alone you’ll know what’s on my mind, because it will be all over the walls, I have already read Dr.Glovers book, 3 times. Nice Guys can’t be trusted, trust this, I’m used to being alone, used to being being hated, feared, people look at nice guys like monsters. I guess I am not a human being. People cross the street when they see me, I’m embracing being the bad guy. How many? How many more years do I have to be isolated and alone? It’s been 8 years
Hey now. There is no need to harm yourself or die. How old are you? Regardless of age, there is someone out there. Are you in therapy? Also, keep in mind people might not be intentionally ignoring you but they are probably going about their own lives. It's perfectly valid to feel how you feel. I would encourage you to call a hotline for suicide prevention or seek professional help. Its not to late to find someone.
HEY, YOU -- CALL 988. RIGHT NOW. Do not be flippant about taking your own life.
Get some help please!
I Agree with the others! Call 988 right now. Right Now. I’ve been divorced for about 14 years and I’m really struggling.
You Are Worth Saving! I know you feel trapped. Practice little ways of rewarding yourself.
I found out that going for a walk actually helps my brain. There is a natural buzz for about an hour or two.
You're not alone. Lot's of men have been there, some didn't come back. You can't change your mind, recover, or live the better life after that decision. Your happiness, your feeling "complete" is something you should never ever put on another person. They will fail you. I've been binge watching a TH-cam series called "Mayday Air Disasters." (Ironic, at how I would also describe my relationships) but my takeaway is not the crashes, but the meticulous way they sift through all the debris and recordings to find the cause, and fix the problems so it never happens again. The question of self deletion: Keep it a question, it's not really an answer.
Some women prefer doormats... to wipe their shoes. Don't be that guy, and you shouldn't have to lie to your partner. You also don't need to tell her everything. I know " nice guys " that were friends of mine that were control freaks, while being led around by a nose ring by their wife or girlfriend while constantly cheating on them and lying some more!
What a waste of yours and her life and time. Be true to yourself, and her too, or move on and get over the hurt and pain of the breakup.
Then try and do it better next time or get comfortable being alone.
There is also no nose ring pain.
She'll get over you. You'll get over her. Unless your a doormat.