HEALING DIARIES | lost in my 20s, thoughts on marriage, gender roles & more
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ก.ย. 2024
- welcome to my healing diaries where I will share my healing journey as a first-gen latina, living in her healing era! I will share my most vulnerable thoughts feeling lost in my 20s, thoughts on marriage expectations and more!
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I'm selena, I'm sharing my journey in my 20's-balancing a 9-5, living alone, self love, health & wellness! I'm a first-generation college-grad, I moved cross-country to Washington, D.C. after college to work for the federal government. My channel is all about finding balance and prioritizing the things, and people, we love to live a meaningful life! I hope you'll decide to stay, leave a ☕ emoji if you're a real one and you read this!
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hi friends, what is one area in your life you want to heal through? what are healthy expectations in a relationship/marriage, for you? Comment below, I'd love to see your thoughts!🤍
There are so many areas of my life that need to be healed. If I have to choose one, I will choose my people pleasing.
@@Klara_is_finding_herself I agree, SO MANY areas for me too! That’s a great start. You got this, I’m rooting for you 🫶🏽
Right now me and my therapist are working towards creating self worth and refuse feeling guilty about situations in my life where I have no control over, tough journey but so worth it!
A childhood of high pressures has turned into a very unhealthy work life balance as a adult. Often leaving myself off the to do list. Striving to find balance.
Best advice about a man, if he's not a definite yes, he's a no! Your heart and soul will know if he's the one from the start.
Selena..I am a bit older than you and am married. Your comments on marriage made me want to share my experience. I had some of the same concerns and issues that you had about marriage and gender roles. I am African American and have had similar experiences growing up. I tried to live up to those gender roles in earlier relationships, but it always felt so one-sided and, to be honest, unfair. I felt taken advantage of and resentful. I took some time to really reflect on what I wanted in a relationship and finally decided that the gender roles were not for me. I am beautiful, intelligent, caring, financially independent, etc. Why would I live by rules that were created by men during a time when women didn't have equal rights? I decided that I wanted a relationship that was reciprocal. RECIPROCITY! I wanted a partner. I was also okay that if I didn't find it that I could end up by myself. In the end, I found someone that respected my boundaries and needs. We work, take care of our household, and raise our family equally! I didn't have a role models for this but I knew what I wanted in my heart, what I was asking for was just fair, and that I had to love and not devalue my myself first. This also went for the idea that the man is rhe head of the household and I need to submit myself to him. NOPE! We are coleaders building a life together. In the end, I am so glad and proud of what we have built. I look at my daughter and am so happy that she gets to see an example of a healthy balanced relationship. A mother who is not a servant and a father who participates and is fully engaged. Final words - it seems like you know in your heart what you want... ask for it, create it, and demand it. Break the cycle.
This! This is what I want. Thanks for sharing.
This! My husband and I both wanted this, and are building it. It has created the most beautiful relationship
As a Latina married for 20 years that works full time, my husband as well, with 2 kids one with special needs I can tell you that a healthy marriage is achievable. Since I met my hubby in law school we always have worked as a team. He works with everything in the home, we simply divide and conquer. When one has a more work heavy week the other one helps a little more. It’s all about communication. We always have married dreams, parent dreams, and career dreams. We always talk about it. And with a kid with disabilities is hard. But it can’t hinder our future. Try not to think about it as trauma, think about it as past and work on a new future. Dios te bendiga.
I’m in the process of getting divorced after 5yrs of marriage. Although I didn’t initiate it and I’m devastated I know that our marriage was doomed to fail if not now then eventually because it was very one sided. I was the breadwinner, the grocery shopper, the meal prepper, the child care and so much more while still being expected to meet my husbands needs and because I couldn’t he decided he was done. As much as I hate going through this it has taught me to speak up and have reasonable expectations from my next partner. And if they can’t meet them then I’m ok to say good bye and move onto the next. And I don’t fear or have a bad taste for marriage again, sometimes things just don’t work out and that’s ok❤
Been happily married for almost 7 years to my husband. Gender roles don’t play into our marriage at all: if something needs to get done, it gets done. We tend to dole out responsibilities based on our strengths as well as how much time each has. I work from home so it’s easier for me to cook after work and he cleans up after we eat. It’s all about talking and respecting one another.
You are such a breath of fresh air Selena 🤗 You’re going to be an amazing wife and mother because of your emotional intelligence. I had the same sentiments before I got married and my biggest piece of advice would be to always be this vulnerable with your partner! Over communicate your thoughts, fears, wants and needs so you can find solutions together!!
I’ve only been married for a year, so I can’t give too much advice on how to sustain a long lasting marriage lol but I know you’re going to be just fine because you’re taking the steps to work on yourself before!! ♥️
This is spot on! Selena you're so emotionally mature and insightful. The fact you're thinking about marriage in this mindset is already a blessing. I think Janet nailed it. Your partner is your teammate. That's the biggest thing I can say. We celebrated 10 years this last year and it hasn't been easy. Once I remind myself my husband is my teammate and not my enemy it has changed the dynamic of our relationship. The only expectations that matter are the ones that you and your husband put in place for your relationship. I almost said you and David because I love seeing you two together and I'm a romantic at heart lol. Something I need to work on is my physical health journey and my relationship with food. It's a constant battle. Thanks for being an inspiration!
I love how vulnerable you were in this video. You definitely asked good questions about life, healing, and relationships. The marriage conversation was so real and you are miles ahead of where I was before I got married. I wish I would have asked myself these kinds of questions before I got married, but one piece of advice I would offer as someone who's been married for almost 10 years is, if you decide that marriage is something you want to do, you get to define how marriage looks for you and your partner. Ignore any expectations or ideals someone has tried to suggest to you about what a marriage is "supposed" to look or feel like. Also, the needs or wants in a marriage are allowed to change as many times as necessary to make sure that both people are feeling fulfilled in the relationship. It took me so long to unlearn all of the "traditional" values that society and even my family placed on me when it came to being married.
Wishing you so much joy and peace as your continue along your healing journey and I'm cheering you on along the way ❤
Thank you so much for the advice/suggestion! I think that’s amazing. I also have a lot to unlearn and hopefully my partner will work to do the same. That’s thee thing about marriage and relationships, if both people don’t put in the work it likely won’t be a happy marriage and that’s something that scares me so much… congrats on 10 years of marriage, BRW!! Marriage seems so hard but I’m sure for many it’s 1000% worth it, I hope you have a beautiful week. 💗
Agree one hundred percent
I’ve been married for 15 years. First I wouldn’t base my expectations of marriage from anyone on SM and to be quite honest anyone else. The biggest lesson I’ve learned over the years was to drop my expectation of how my marriage should be and reflect on who we are and work from there. You and your partner have to talk about what is working and not working and make adjustments as you go. Each of you are people who are growing and changing over the years and you will make your marriage adjust with you. No one has to fall into an expected role, you both have to discuss what works for each of you. My other big lesson was that it isn’t just about what I want and need, I really have to consider and make decisions based on my partner as well.
As someone who was in an unhealthy relationship for 3 years to now being in a healthy one is like a breath of fresh air. One of the biggest things is to get in tune with your love languages. How do you express love? How do you like to receive love? Does it align with how your partner gives or likes to receive love? The next thing would be to communicate! Set up boundaries, express what you need. Having real, honest conversations about what you expect and to help you both get on the same page. If the core of what you want in relationship does not align or you guys cannot meet each other's needs after trying to do so, you will most likely not be happy further along in the marriage or relationship. Do not settle! I grew up as an only child and learned to be very independent. I do not rely on anyone and usually do everything and often do it alone. It has been a huge process of allowing my boyfriend to do things for me, pay for me, etc. You do not need to do it all! A relationship is a partnership, rely on each other. One thing I took from my parents' marriage is when my mom cooked, my dad cleaned the dishes and vice versa. Also, do not let social media or others vision of what a "healthy" relationship mean for them. Everyone has different needs and as long as yours are being met that is all that matters. Comparing to other people is a detriment to a lot of things in life, especially relationships.
I understand your POV about marriage. My husband did not want to be married due to trauma from his parents marriage and I understood and respected it. And as a Latina growing up I always heard “you need to clean and cook otherwise you won’t get a husband.” It was annoying for sure, luckily it didn’t scare me away from marriage. My husband is an amazing partner. We’re both first generation born in USA and our POV of who does what is different from our parents. We communicate and support each other. Still lots of growing to do. Communication is key. And no rush! We were together 15 years before marriage.
I love this series! I can't tell you how much I relate to you talking about your experience with depression and anxiety, disordered eating, growing up first gen Mexican-American and cooking diverse foods you didn't experience in your childhood, thoughts on marriage roles, all of it! Just wanted to comment so you know you're not alone in these thoughts and many of us are on similar healing journeys, and I'm wishing you the best on it ✨💖
Thank you so much for sharing, for your support, all of it! I feel so seen and validated, I’m rooting for you too!!💗
A healthy marriage is honesty & both partners taking care of each other AND the home. The roles of the home are shared bc we BOTH live in the same home and we BOTH need to take care of it and each other. Being honest and communicating what each will/wants to do and helping each other out is important bc we are a life long team. Also laughing and having fun is key!
First off, I love this series already! I love hearing you open up and be more vulnerable. Second, I’m a fellow Latina who has fear/anxiety around marriage. I’m currently engaged and in a happy and very healthy relationship but I still have that family trauma that lives in the back of my mind. It’s tough but I’m working through it! So no, you’re not alone!
I got married when I was 29. I have been married for almost 4 years. I am the main breadwinner. We don’t have children. Focusing on buying a house. Honestly it can can be challenging at times, but we make our own expectations of each other through communication. I think the key toward a successful relationship of any kind is relationship is communication and being open to compromise. Please don’t base what an ideal relationship or marriage to model because your marriage and expectations will be unique. What works for you and your future husband is all that matters. You build your own ideal relationship and marriage. 💕 thank you for being vulnerable.
This was so raw and real and vulnerable and brave and I genuinely loved and appreciated it so much. I was telling my therapist the other day that I realized my love for self-improvement/lifestyle TH-cam is because it's the first time I've ever had healthy, happy living modeled for me. Childhood was hiiighly traumatic, and then I spent the following several years neck-deep in various addictions. Your healing diaries series feels like the part I have to "manually" remind myself exists - where obviously the final-edit of most lifestyle content isn't what people's lives look like all the time. Listening to you work through the gritty, real-life parts just felt so...moving, I guess. I dunno - I'm always cheering for you, and I hope this is always a safe space for you and you're able to find some solace and respite in your lil community out here. Also, as a guy who struggled with disordered eating for most of his life (we stan a visible ED king, right?), I relate so hard on all your food-related frustrations. That app sounds like a neat way to track your eating without it triggering or reinstating old habits though! Personally, I've just tried to make sure I'm largely buying raw ingredients (since I have time to cook and meal prep) and just focus on colors, versus calories or vitamin content. I just try to eat all the colors! Weird system, ik, but it works for me. Anyway, just wanted to say: love this series, love your stuff, and I'm alwaysalwaysalways rooting for you ❤.
As a first generation latina, I can say the pressure to break the trauma cycle is very hard at times. I am like you and suffer from depression and anxiety. The gender roles imposed on us by our cultural are still so sexist. I want to raise my kids to be different.
Your marriage talk is something I talk to my friends about on a regular basis. I am married with a baby and I also work full time. My husband recently took on more financial responsibility in our family, but I get so frustrated that his job always takes priority over mine, even though I work full time too. Like if the baby has to stay out of daycare I am always the one having to figure it out without question.
He always gets to win the “I’m more tired game” and gets to rest at home whereas I’m the one doing chores, usually cooking and taking care of the baby after work. He helps, but it’s exactly that; helping…
It’s a lot and definitely brings up some hard conversations to have with your partner before entering a marriage and having children (if that’s something you want. )
Selena, every time I watch your videos it feels like we're on a very similar path trying to figure ourselves out as a first gen Mexican American in all aspects of life... I relate to you so much. I just got married earlier this year, and my husband and I had a conversation early on about what the expectations were for when we got married. We both see each other as equals and both clean and cook (heck, we enjoy cooking and cleaning together!), and want that same level of responsibility for raising our future kids. Our relationship has been nothing but kindness, respect, and support for one another and having an honest and loving line of communication has been the key thus far. I always knew growing up that I didn't want to fall into hard set "traditional roles" (don't even get me started on that "sírve a tu marido" ideology... we serve each other out of love and not obligation). I always knew that I wanted to get married and have kids, but I also always wanted to go to college and have a successful career. There are lots of women at my work who are living proof that it's certainly possible for us to have the "golden trio". I can go on for days on this topic but to sum it up, it all boils down to sit down and have and a conversation and set expectations before getting engaged and/or married, as that one conversation can set yourselves up for a successful marriage on the same page. You are not alone in this journey of breaking generational curses. You got this, mujer! ❤
i think that marriage is forever evolving when youre with the right person. if your routine is not making you happy or fulfilling you, you should be able to talk to your partner and shuffle out the roles in order to suit you guys better. and also, i dont think it matters who works or makes more money. if youre both home with the kids, youre both equally responsible as parents. thats how it is with my significant other. he works way more than me, but when hes home we’re equal. and if some days he just needs a break, of course i’ll step in and let him rest and vice versa. its all partnership and understanding.
I know you will get through this, no matter how long it takes, you inspire me, and I love how you are being true to yourself. I am also going through my own healing journey; I am broken due to childhood trauma and came from a family of brokenness so I can relate to you Selena. My story change about two years ago when God just pulled me back from a dark hole. I am here by God's grace, and He will continue to help us and guide the brokenhearted to the whole-hearted. 💞💞❤
Hi, Selena (: I’m a first-gen Mexican American woman pursuing a career in criminal justice/ social work! I understand everything you said about the generational trauma that we must carry in our daily lives. I'm the oldest of 5 girls, and I resonate so hard with your conversation on marriage. I haven't seen a healthy marriage in my life either that isn't consumed by stereotypical gender roles. I remember being in my teens and learning how to cook my favorite meal, and I felt so accomplished, and all my family said was, “Ya te puedes casar” because I learned how to cook. It was diminishing my accomplishment that I was very proud of and sickly stereotyped. And I was a TEEN. Thank you for talking about it. I’m almost 24 and have been healing every day since I was 18 and left my home and will probably heal every day for the rest of my life. I try to remind myself that I can create that change in my life to break that cycle, and I know you have the power and strength to do that, too. ❤️ wish you the best of luck in your journey, and thank you for letting us be a part of it!
I’m only recently married but my husband and I have been together for 8 years and I think at the end of the day you are the only one who can tell yourself what a healthy marriage should look like. Make a list of all of the things you would want in a marriage, and also what you don’t want. My parents divorced when I was young and it was a nasty mess for 15 years but my grandparents were incredible role models and examples for me, which I was blessed to have been able to experience. My must haves were finding someone who was going to treat me (and others) with kindness and someone who I would be proud to have as the father of my children and that would set a good example for them. We don’t really follow gender roles, but I hate doing dirty dishes so he always makes sure to do them and he hates doing laundry so that’s usually my chore. Everything else we split as either of us sees it needs done and based on who has the availability, but the majority of everything we do is done together as a team. Marriage (or any relationship) to me isn’t 50/50 because sometimes one of us is going through harder times than the other so I think it’s important to step up when your partner needs you to make life whole again and vice versa!
Also don’t let marriage scare you too much because officially starting my own family (even though it’s just the 2 of us for now) is the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced 😌
I really love being married! I married my high school sweetheart after we graduated college and it truly has been great. I am grateful that we have examples of healthy marriages in our life through both sets of parents but I think church can be a great place to find examples of healthy marriages too! (I know you mentioned getting involved in church as a goal in previous vlogs) For us, marriage is less about roles (while we found which tasks work for us) it's really more about serving one another and working toward a shared goal. Loving this series so far!
I support you in however you choose to present yourself! Love your authenticity ❤❤❤❤
Thank you Dominique, appreciate your support ❤
I’ve been working on healing from the “primal wound”, which was being adopted as a baby from another country. Lots of control issues manifested from that. I love this vlog and your authenticity. We also need more more of this in the Latine community!!!! Love ya girl!
Selena I wanted to share that i am currently learning the same lessons as you - it takes work; and I give you grace as I give myself. 🤗 ❤ wishing you the best 🇨🇦
I absolutely enjoyed this series. Thank you for your openness. As another first-gen, ambitious Latina, I've struggled a lot with gender roles and marriage expectations.
It felt good to see you vulnerable like this. Not that I'm happy to hear you talk about your struggles obviously, but because you're more relatable than I thought. I already love this new series
I just got married 6 months ago! I had your same thoughts when I first got engaged. And the answer I’ve realized for having a healthy happy marriage is literally whatever you want it to be. You don’t have to mirror others’ relationship. You and your spouse get to decide what marriage is supposed to look like. The important part is just that you two are on the same page as each other.
And no you don’t have to settle for doing housework as the woman, that’s the patriarchy talking, and you can decide to split housework 50/50. My husband and I turn gender roles on its head cuz he likes to cook and I like to do the handy work around the house. I think neither of us enjoy cleaning, but we split chores down the middle. Again, it’ll be up to you two to create happiness in your partnership even if that looks way different than what other people think marriage should look like.
My one area to heal through. Not having my mom growing up. She passed when I was 5 and to have two children of my own, I fear… dying and leaving them as broken as I am.
wow that is tough, I can't even imagine. sending you love on your own healing journey! remember we can't fix or heal on our own. I hope you're getting the help that you need 💖
Girly I'm relating to this so much ❤ I have a 9-5 and trying to work on other income sources. I am living with my boyfriend parents because they are having financial problems and our lease ended. I am having mental health problems from it and I am in school. Seeing your video makes me motivated to go back to therapy. I would recommend journaling/ praying because it helps show gratitude and positivity. Also MEAL PREPPING, which is the best!
There's already so much good advice here about marriage and managing expectations, and I think you're ultimately coming at it from a good perspective. It sounds like you want to make sure before you marry that you and your partner are on the same wavelength when it comes to what your idea of the ideal marriage is. It's all about communication, communication, communication! Couple's therapy is great for good and bad times to help build healthy communication habits.
I am just seeing your video and may I say you are truly a breath of fresh air. Your transparency makes watching your videos worth watching. I have been working since I was 16 and WFH since 2021 and your routine is helping me get my life together. Keep doing what you are doing and Be Patient With Yourself!😊
Wow, this video is awesome. As a first gen latina, I felt like you were speaking directly to me. I'm grateful that my parents insisted I learned to clean and cook but the framing surrounding those skills was never based around my own personal self care. It was always about what I could do for others. And although I love to be a public servant, I don't have to get married and have children and sacrifice my whole life to that because I am a woman. I clean, purge and organize because the end result is calming and it helps me function and it's beautiful but that was not the framing with which I was taught those things and I want a literal PARTNER in life who can access what needs done and jumps in with me and battles in the trenches with me. Not a by-stander, supervisor or absent even though we are "together".
Thank you so much for sharing this! As a first gen as well i relate to everything u talked about to the disordered eating to the thoughts on marriage. I am currently on my own healing journey and in therapy, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way!
I believe if both partners work, then both share all of the responsibilities of the home and children. My husband and I sat down and talked about our expectations for our marriage BEFORE we got married. Every single thing. Money, time, kids, chores, everything. We've been married 21 years. We have 4 daughters that have been married for years in healthy marriages. As far as childhood trauma in a Latin culture, I chose to write my own story. The cycle ended with me. I chose to be a survivor and not a victim of my past. If I wanted to write a book, I wouldn't pick up a book my Mother started writing and try to finish it by writing my thoughts in it. I would start with a blank page and write my own story from beginning to end with a fresh start. My family's experiences and what they projected onto me has nothing to do with what I chose to do for myself. I think you reflecting on it all is a healthy way to start. Good luck on your journey and God bless ❤
I’m loving this series, and a lot of us first gen girls are healing with you.
Totally understand your thoughts on marriage and I didn’t want to get married until I met my partner.
I think being able to work out my fears and be honest with my husband when I feel like I’m taking on too much.
Before I got married I wanted to fill in that role of “wife” by cooking and cleaning everything mostly but I grew resentful quick.
But being honest with my husband and we do everything together and split everything mostly 50/50.
He grew up the youngest boy so he was used to his mom doing everything so it has been a learning curve for both of us. But he wants to learn and he always wants to help. And that’s important to me.
I’m definitely happy that I’m 27 and married to my best friend. We’re just two first gen Mexican Americans healing from our trauma and doing life together trying to figure it out. It’s great having his support and us making our own little family.
Also along the way family has thrown regular stereotypes at us like I have to learn to cook and we always say “yeah WE are going to learn”
Both of us want to ignore those stereotypes and verbally be against them.
absolutely love everything about this vlog, Selena. i know you've been open and transparent about your mental health struggles, but from the outside looking in, there was definitely a disconnect (until now). like... she has this great life! awesome job! beautiful home! sweet boyfriend! and she's gorgeous! living the influencer life! it almost made me question what could possibly be causing your anxiety + depression. and i know there are more than external factors that influence our mental health - chemical imbalances do not discriminate - but the perspective you've shared here def helps break things down for us faithful viewers. and you don't even owe us an explanation, so thank you for being so vulnerable. i hope you're encouraged to share more about this part of your journey. it's so very relatable!
I am so glad I found your channel. I am also a first gen Mexican American and I definitely relate to that generational trauma, depression, etc. Thank you for being open and honest🤍
I LOVE these videos. It truly makes me feel like i am not alone with my thoughts and feelings. It feels like two friends just venting to eachother lol but please keep making these. You’re doing amazing!❤️
Another great video Selena! You are definitely not alone in these thoughts - I've been there too, and still have a lot of the same questions you have, and I will be 32 this year. I think the best advice I can give, is that within your relationship, it is up to you and your partner to decide what "healthy" feels like to both of you. Every relationship will be different, and within each one the couple should define what their "normal" is. You are such a smart woman, you will certainly make the right choices for yourself, and even if you don't - you will get through whatever life throws at you. I love this series - I love Janay also - her videos are incredible. Can't wait to see more from you and from this series. 💗💗💗
LOVE LOVE LOVE this healing diaries 💕 also loved all of these amazing yummy and nutritious meals and snacks, greek yogurt is KING for protein🤪 with some granola, mmmmm. you always inspire me with how vulnerable, honest, and authentic you are in your videos and this series is no different 💖
This is a lovely video, I find it touching how vulnerable you are with us. I know there are many of us who feel the same way and feel connected to your emotions and journey, me included, I realize that there is force in numbers and i love this community you are creating
I like to think that I am in a healthy marriage :) We both work full time and have kids and have been married 6 years. At the end of the day it comes down to not keeping score. Not all days, not all weeks, not all seasons are 50/50. There are times where I need more support and he carries more of our life load and times where I do the carrying. Don't keep score, give your partner grace, communicate.
I have been married for almost 2 years and I am in my 20s. I got married at 27 and will be 29 next month. My husband and I met on a dating app and at our cores we have shared values, culture and beliefs. We are Mexican American, born and raised Catholic and have the same vision and goals for our lives. From my life experience, the beauty of a healthy relationship or marriage is going to look different from couple to couple but for us it ultimately it comes down to communication, shared joys and when conflicts arise we come from a standpoint as a team and not against each other. Additionally, before we got married we agreed that we would have a 50/50 type of marriage and not the type of marriage where I am expected to do all cooking, cleaning and raising our future children.
I was struggling with my mental health so I began going to therapy in August of last year. It has transformed me as a person which also benefited my marriage. Prior to therapy I was critical, not taking care of myself emotionally and was stuck in a cycle of people pleasing. There's so much I can say but feel free to ask any questions that you have.
Thank you for the "realness" of this vlog. Therapy has made me realize we don't have to go through life pretending everything is perfect if it's not. I love seeing your videos and thank you for being a Latina content creator!
your best video so far imo! as a young mexican american woman in the semi-professional workforce in my 20s, this video really spoke to my inner self :))))
I love this series. Thank you for sharing, and for being so incredibly vulnerable. You’re an inspiration as always ❤
"that stuff only feels like self care when I have time to do it" GIRRRL you finally put into words my reality. I love cooking and honestly if I didn't work 9-6 I'd bee cleaning every inch of my apartment and making the most delicious homemade meals. PREACH! Love your channel btw. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but the reason I started watching was because I was trying to find a channel from someone who wasn't this perfect, skinny, model-type girl. I'm so glad you are sharing your life with us. Thank you!
Love this series! I am currently single because I kept finding myself in relationships where I was doing everything. Cooking, cleaning, and worked full time + had to pay for the majority of things. It was exhuasting. I don't want any kids, let alone taking care of someone my age that can do it themselves lol.
I do have friends that are married or have been in a long-term relationship with someone and they split everything. If one person isn't super into cooking, they'll help with the prep and do the cleanup while the other person cooks. No one has to tell the other person what to do, it's just done. This is what I hope to find one day lol. But if I don't, that's okay too.
Love this, I’m 40 and the healing still continues, definitely will tuning into this series. Much love Selena ❤️
You just voiced something that I’ve never been comfortable to say out loud. THANK YOU! I know that was very vulnerable to share, but I need you to know that was so helpful to know another woman thinks the same thing. ❤️
This was such a great video Selena. I have been in a 5 year relationship that has been going downhill over the last few months. My partner expects me to fulfill both roles. I’m a full time grad student and only work once a week. He believes that because he makes the money that I should be the one to clean up after him. I feel more like a maid than I do a partner and feel like I am a roommate. I want someone who wants to put in the work WITH me. I think it’s not so much about gender roles but about wanting to help your partner and work together to build a home and life together. The last thing I want is to be in a miserable marriage like my parents
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts and experiences.
i'm excited to see how this series progresses! I'm glad that you're taking the time to heal; it's definitely a difficult journey. I'm not married, but I've been living with my partner for almost 2 years, and I've learned that finding happiness in the balance of work/chores isn't so much about how much your adhere to gender roles or switch between masculine and feminine roles; it's more about sitting down with your partner and setting expectations for what chores will get done, how much each other's needs/moods are the other's priorities, and how you'll handle conflict. You mentioned potentially getting individual therapy, but it might be useful to do some couple's counseling if you don't feel like you and your partner are able to do that alone.
I love this new series! I feel the exact same way about marriage. I've never seen a happy and healthy marriage within my family. I only have what books, movies/TV, and the media show. And we all know life does not mirror that. I want to get married, but I'm not in a rush at all. I think what's most important is having that open communication with a partner about what to expect in this new journey. Know what each other can bring to the table because, if we're being real, it takes a lot more than just love. You hit the nail on the head with the marriage talk. I never really thought about it, but what you said made me realize my thoughts on the subject.
I have all of the same questions you do when it comes to a marriage/husband. Glad I am not alone
This was the best video ever and It happen to be at the right timing for me. I just started self healing /self care this week and proud of myself for making this step. Thank you for putting yourself out there and making this video, I look forward to many more healing diaries, you give me the desire to make TH-cam Vids as well about my life journey to just share with the world. Thank You Selena and please take all the time you need during this time. Look forward to seeing more videos soon :)
Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest! A lot of what you said about generational trauma resonates with me. Watching your videos makes me feel less alone ❤
In a journey to heal ED and my relationship with food. Learning that sometimes not doing nothing is ok ☺️
I love healing diaries ❤ thank u for Ep. 01❤ I can't wait to watch more❤
All of the Mexican American things you talk about in your vlog is so relatable! I love your channel and always look forward to your videos. Tu puedes girlie, stay strong❤
Thoroughly enjoyed this! And I definitely want to heal through my childhood traumas. But it’s an ongoing process for sure. Healthy Expectations in my marriage: honesty, communication, understanding, healing, and continuous growth.
I feel you on the cooking and cleaning trauma being from a first gen immigrant household and being told I won't ever be able to have a healthy marriage if I don't cook etc- I think its actually fueld some disordered eating habits and "cooking anxiety" for me- So relatable, thanks for sharing your experience!
This is so needed! The convo and train of thought while you prepared dinner is exactly what is needed! Thank you for sharing and being transparent.
Wow Selena! It was a great insight to hear about your life and you opening up to your viewers. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to the "thoughts going through your head". I can't wait for the next HEALING DIARIES episode
Hey girl. Wish you alll the luck on your healing journey. I just wanted to let you know that I think it is really awesome that you are pursuing both a 9to5 career as well as using youtube for a creative outlet as wellas a source of income. A 9to 5 job is hard enough as it is. I can only imagine how much dedication it would take to upload to youtube so regularly. Its def okay to take breaks and be nice to yourself about stuff! But i think it is def worth pursuing both avenues. It will def give you more opportunities in he future and i really enjoy seeing your life as a working person. Best wishes♡
I don’t normally comment but really enjoyed your openness on marriage & gender roles. I’ve been married for 5 years and firstly, no, women should not be doing the 9-5, cleaning, and raising kids on their own. Truthfully, that conversation starts before marriage with your SO. My husband and I have opposite gender roles. And that’s what makes it work but we understand fully that marriage is a partnership - not only with each other but with God so contributing equally is for the benefit of the home. These conversations are so so so important to have with your partner before. Because their reactions and answers will say a lot of what the future can look like. Much love ❤
I’m not married (yet) but in a committed partnership- and for us we both equally do the things. We both work full time, we both clean, we both cook, and we agreed to be financially independent and take care of our own stuff. For instance I paid for my car maintenance recently and made the decision to pay for new home stuff. He agreed to pay four our new couch. It’s an agreement at the end of the day with very clear expectations. Can’t comment on kids as we are planning on a kid free life. But we both take care of our dogs.
feel for you and right with you on the depression. struggled all my life. childhood trauma also started the ball rolling. in my mid 60's and just dealing with it better. had therapy off and on my whole adult life. on meds since my 20's till about 2 years ago. weaned off and find the depression is controllable most days. but get the help, take the meds, whatever helps.
Thank you for sharing the Ate app. I too struggle with my relationship with food and just downloaded it :) Also, I'm so proud of you for being gentle with yourself and finding another solution for dinner. Sending love and light!
Love how vulnerable you are! Thank you for sharing such important content. You kept saying you suffer from depression but we have a lot on common and I think I have ADHD… so that definitely was something that caught my attention! Also pls pls pls a video of you cooking your crispy tofu with peanut sauce ❤
This video felt more real, it's like I am seing you as you are so that I can relate to your journey more in a way
I will say being aware of your needs (what makes you feel safe and stable) and advocating for them in your relationship to then have them met by your partner and vice versa is a healthy and normal expectation. As women, we are so comfortable doing this with our friends from a young age, yet we seem to be hesitant and awkward about doing this with our romantic relationships.
I thought this vlog flowed amazingly well. Life isn’t edited! I have many of the same thoughts and questions you have even though I’m older. I really appreciate and admire your vulnerability. 💗 I cannot wait to see more of your healing journey!
Making your bed first thing in the morning really is a mental game changer! Just sets the day right for a tidy mind...It's a whole must in my book, no exceptions for that "chore". And we are all so broken, that's sin and we all have it!! LOL Good luck on your journey especially with the thoughts on marriage. It's hard but it's so beautiful; and as Jesus said two are better than one. Don't let fear stop you, but fuel you. :) xoxox
Hola hermanita! ❤
Thank you for sharing this. I am also Mexican-American, and a YT influencer. I gotta say that I’m so thankful to have found You, Jenna & Rachel… y’all are my ✨Strong Female Content Creator Tribe!!✨💃
aww yay I'm so glad you foind us too!!
Hey girl I just wanted to say that I LOVE LOVE LOVE this video and am here for every moment of it
Hey girl, your video is so sweet and I am so grateful to have found it during the beginning of the day. I couldn’t watch it without advising you a book that changed my life (well, mostly the author with his others wonderful books). But, you HAVE to read these books if you want to learn more about what a healthy relationship looks like :
- The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz
I would advise you to first read his book The Four Agreements. But hearing you talk about wondering what a healthy relationship looks like and what a healthy expectation looks like, I had to recommend The Mastery of Love. As a person who grew up in a traumatizing and unhealthy family, this book helped me A LOT to visualize and understand what love really looks like.
Sending you live & light ✨❤️
Thank you so much for sharing your experience!! I struggle with depression and generational trauma myself and it was so relatable to watch you thrive! I, too am on a healing journey and you're absolutely right that there is no endpoint for these things. I love that I'd want to be friends with you, you're killing it, girlie!!!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I enjoyed this vlog a lot! ❤
BABEEEEEEE. HONEY. You're doing your absolute best and you've made a new subscriber out of me! Keep doing you and don't second guess yourself too much
This was such an awesome vlog! It's amazing to see you get back into the swing of things after having such a rough start to the year! I know I've been feeling really rough this year so far, but things are looking up and it's inspiring to see you be so vulnerable and honest in your videos. It's definitely what drew me to your channel in the first place! I have similar fears about marriage, even with my parents as a good example to mirror (which I'm so grateful for!), because it's so hard to move from independence to interdependence in a healthy way. I really look forward to more of this series following your journey!
I am catching up on videos now I felt like I was lost without you. But good news is I moved, I am still moving stuff into my house but I am so happy and using some of your style for my room too. Of course love your videos as always
From Alaska, there is nothing regular about your vlog, we had another snow storm yesterday, thank you for sharing your snow-free life 😊
I have never seen a perfect marrige, But I think I have seen what not to do :P Have no idea what to expect but I think the most important to me is that we can talk about things and not let everything become a problem, that we have something that we like to do together, and that we show eachother as often as possible that we appreciate eachother and not take someone for granted. Much love from Norway
So proud of you! Thank you for sharing your story. ❤ Being vulnerable takes great courage.
I am so here for this series. I am going through a similar transition myself so seeing someone else do this level of reflection and healing feels comforting. Thank you for being vulnerable ❤️
I'm still going to therapy in my late 20s and something really hit me hard that made me fear marriages and relationships. Henceforth, why I decided to go to therapy because I've heard of sooo many people's mental health stories by now.
oh and i forgot to say i got out of a toxic marriage of over 19 yrs, and in my mid 60's. you have a great head on your shoulders, don't ever doubt yourself. if any hesitation about marriage WAIT.
I actually prefer this style vlog over the other one. This is so refreshing. I appreciate you opening up. As someone who struggles with anxiety & depression, I felt so seen ❤❤ I felt like I was just hanging with a friend 😊 so thank you, friend! ❤😊🤗
I am a bit older than you, but I have been married for 8 years now. My husband and I split all responsibilities. For instance: I will gather the trash and he takes it out. He will do the laundry and I food and put it away. I vacuum and he sweeps and mops… we work it out so neither of us feel like we are overwhelmed. With your maturity, I know you will work through it to find what works best for you.
Please could you do ‘what I eat in a week’ or meal planning? I’m struggling so much with food and you inspire me so much
I love this series (might copy tbh lol) but totally agree, we'll probably forever have healing phases - I'm much older and in another healing era after losing my father - and I think it's good to process and heal throughout our lives so that we don't hold things inside and find solutions that work for us in order to move forward ❤
this video was so, so needed. it felt like listening to myself/a friend! it's hard to pick one thing as i'm truly just trying to healthily grow into myself and figure out what that even looks like. however, feeeel you on the whole marriage/relationship thing. as someone who is on the aplatonic, aroace spectrum while also being both Black and Christian, i struggle to balance wanting a marriage that is God-honoring and God-centered with knowing and pursuing what i desire and deserve. i'm not saying that these things are necessarily opposed, but it seems that Christian men aren't often as progressive as i would hope. yet, at the same time, i don't want to compromise and marry someone that is "unequally yoked" either. so much to consider haha! guess i have more to talk about in therapy lol. --- once again i appreciate your vulnerability. it is truly nice to know i am not alone.
I loved this style of video and hope we get to see more of the diaries!
Hi Selena! I think it depends on your relationship. Everyone’s will look differently and you have to find what resonates within you, feels authentic, and peaceful to you, and your partner! Instead of looking outwardly to others, we should instead focus and reflect on what feels true to us ❤️ thank you for sharing your vulnerability, you’re such a sweet soul and I’m sending you all the love!!!
This really is such a healing video Selena🥺 thank you so much for being open to starting this series and your honesty and vulnerability on these sensitive topics, it’s very much needed and so appreciated🫶🏾
Yes! I think this is gonna be a great topic… I’m honestly getting tired of all the TH-cam videos of everyone’s morning routine and night routine
😂😂😂😝
Can’t wait to see more from this series! I admire your career ambition and hope to one day get to that same level in my own professional life. One thing I will say is that you can have it all, a career, marriage, and anything else you want as long as you create space for yourself ❤️
Heyy I’m not married but I love listening to the Dear Future Wifey podcast to hear from couples about marriage ❤
I love your vlogs! ❤ Thank you for being real! I can totally relate to your anxiety. I tend to overthink often, which affects every aspect of my life. I’m glad you’ve included us in your journey of self healing. From one Latina to another, “You’ve got this 💪🏼!”