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Oh good grief. So THAT'S why they can't ever be satisfied. It's not that you're doing anything that, if asked, they could point a finger at and logically call "wrong" (even by their own crazy standards). It's that you're being your own self, separate from them, period. You're not under their control, and they can't handle that for even a split second without acting like immature, spoiled, controlling children over it - even when you've been an adult for decades. It's not what you said "No, (fill in what you started to say to explain your 'No,' here, before they hung up on you)" to, it's the fact that you said the word "No" at all, even if all you meant was "I need to do the thing you asked in a different way, because the different way will work a thousand times better, but I will still do the thing that will help you after you asked for help." I'm sorry, but these people are just plain insane. They need mental health help that we, their adult children can't and are not responsible to give them. Honestly? Family Doctors (and judges/lawyers of all kinds too) around the country need to get educated on recognizing, diagnosing, and dealing with the symptoms of narcissism, and they need to be legally held accountable to do so, with fines and jail-time if they clearly ignore the most obvious symptoms and signs of it, after being highly trained in this. It needs to be part of their job descriptions, going forward. Time to put this cow dung to bed. So sick of the Boomer and Joneser Generations perpetually putting the rest of us through it for no actually valid reason at all. They've been doing this to us, one way or another, since the late 1960s. I say, put most of them behind bars just for being in those generations, and force them to PROVE afterwards that they don't belong there for the rest of their lives. SO DONE WITH THEM.
How can i deal with narsistic parent who try to put me down because " We all know what others think of you !" when they can no longer control me started to say this and care other peoples thougts , and who call me an idiot when I tell him to his face that he didn't do this and this as a parent to me .even if you had Opportunity but you choose not to do it, so don't tell me you did everything to me ,you didnt! ,then immediately he became to say to me İ am an idiot and attacked my brain and my achievements...😢😂
@@budeutsch No contact is the most healthy thing. If you can’t, stay away as much as you can. Don’t stay longer than one hour. Always have something planned after so you have to go. Worked for me for a long time. Get educated about narcissism and don’t ever comment to the narc. Do something you like to loose the frustration after a visit.
@@marjet2228 , that is really helpful advice, thank you. Your advice is also far more feasable for my circumstances. I'm living with (& looking after) my frail, elderly mother. She has always been my narcissistic abuser. My sister, (who) has always been my protector since I was little & the horror started. My beautiful sister died a couple of mnths ago and my darling father (who I've always felt much closer to than my mother) also just passed away. I'll stop here, or the floodgates will open. Just wanted to say thank you.
As I get older I am seeing more and more how bad both my parents were. They wanted me to just get good grades in school and do things they can then brag about. At the same time anything I expressed interests in like playing musical instruments or joining a sports team they always said I was not good enough and I should do something more productive. My father was even a coach for the local soccer team and would not allow me to even practice with the team. I always had to sneak out at night to play with other kids that my guess had similar parents.
Or they have only one ambition for you, and it isn't what you want you do, they passive aggressively sabotage what you want to do to try to force you into thier ambition for you, or you can be bloody miserable.
@@kameshiam1674 also innovative people tend to be autonomous. I started buying my own shoes when I was a little boy with my little money that I earned from my art and design and my mother did not like the fact that I was buying my own clothes and shoes. What's up with narcissists?
@@ErickSande-hb1kdThey want to control everything. My mother cried when I moved out. Then she told me how she wanted my apartment organized. Then she told me I was stupid for moving out. When I moved back, I was still stupid.
Boy, I wish I had someone to tell me these things before I was 72! One of our father’s favorite tactics was to say, “I’m so disappointed.” And, “You don’t need any outside friends, we’re family! And we stick together!”
They will be so angered when you start living your life without them, especially when they see your life is only improving. They’d much rather you to be depressed and grieving the loss of the relationship… ✌🏽
@@LindsayLoo-q5dit’s because we live in a toxic narc society. Parents can literally get away with murder in our society. Abortion is still going on today. It doesn’t make sense to us empaths, because it’s not supposed to. Hate doesn’t make sense to us loving people.
@@annaburns2865 I’ll have moments where I’m really sad about it, but then I remind myself how much peace I have now. It’s heartbreaking because we’re not supposed to have relationships like this with our own parents.
In my experience…. 1-have friends 2-develop interests 3-exert any independence 4-disagree with them 5-branch out from the family 6-make efforts to improve or educate yourself. 7-ask questions when you notice plot holes in their stories
At this stage I cut off my narc. Mother and 2 toxic brothers. No other family ( my father died) and my mother fell out with all extended family so never met them.And she no friends of course. Much better since I went no contact.
Also use their favorite hurtful words against them. Repeats home back and treat them like a child when they have a temper tantrum and get loud. Always make sure you have friends or someone in your corner, you just need one. Person who will believe you and protect you
Positive emotions. You aren't allowed to be happy with your accomplishments. If you buy a car they will just point out all of the problems come with owning a car or they will point out that their own car is much better.
@@caolanod2261 a narcissist preteen did this with his younger brother. He would get extremely nervous about money and things given to his brother. He went out of his way to block his parents decisions about nice gifts, cry that his brother shouldn’t have similar gifts since he is younger, then proceeded to becoming the one ordering his brothers bday gifts and it was mostly items he wanted himself. One day his brother said he was going to remind mom that he needs new sneakers. The narcissist brother immediately! flew up a flight of stairs to intercept his mom and told her that he was the one who needed new shoes. Then another time, they were both getting new shoes and the whole ride to the store and at the store he kept manipulating his brother into selecting a particular pair (a cheaper one) by saying how amazing those sneakers were and making it look like he too wished for them. Then he called his mom (also a narc who raised him this way) and got the budget for their shoes increased. Then he made sure the little bro chose the cheaper shoes and he, the special one, got the latest and most popular shoes. Then! once he was pleased with his scheme, on the ride back he kept telling his younger brother how his shoes were not as cool as his. He made sure that his brother has the worse pair and then made sure he is aware of his poor taste. Other times he would just make sure their mom orders even cheaper sneakers for his brother and finally the younger brother caught on to it and sadly acknowledged to me how his mom never gets hims what he asks for, but always gets the nicer stuff to the older brother, immediately upon asking. The narcissistic mom/son relationship is so weird they hate each others guts but also are obsessed with one another and favor each other over other ppl.
True. This is exactly what happens. Growing up with narcissistic parents is a disaster. It’s a challenge that will haunt you throughout your entire life.
@@pyramidion5911They say the meanest things, my husband used to say that but truth is he'll go against me with anyone, even our daughter! I'd never marry anyone without money, anyone who doesn't know marriage leads to abuse has had blinkers on!
@@joannesaltfleet2071 Expecting us to be grateful they did the bare minimum. My mom said on multiple occasions that if I called CPS on her, that I should call an ambulance, too.
My narc mother forbade me any choice (I moved out at 21, that’s when I started for the first time buying clothes of my own choice, and did my first haircut and dye), she forbade me learning life skills (she cooked, never taught me cooking, she had garden, never taught me how to take care of plants), never offered choices in food, you’ll have what you’re given, no posters on walls in my room, no personal expression in anything. When I decided to learn to play the guitar, she ordered me what songs to learn, my picks were not good enough 😅 To put it short, she was directing my life like I was a Sims character. Even though I escaped, it messed me up big time. Sorry for venting. Love your videos, even though they are hard to watch sometimes, too emotional 🫶
I definitely understand what you are saying. As my mother left my first apartment when I was 18, I remember saying "Goodbye" but fearing she would just drop in at any time. I knew I would need to quickly find a new address and not let her know what it was. She had beaten me so much during my childhood that, even when I was 15, she would greet me after school with, "We're having your favorite food for dinner! Steak!" I would act thrilled in front of my father and say "Thanks Mom!" even though I hated steak. The only reason it was "my favorite food" was because my father would grill the steaks, which got my mother out of having to cook dinner. In order to decrease my father's suspicion that my mother just wanted to make him do the work of fixing dinner, she declared steak MY favorite food, and I just didn't dare to admit I wasn't thrilled, even as a teen. I was fully 45 and visiting only because I wanted to meet my nieces and nephews (golden child's kids) when my mother told me we were again having my favorite food of steak and I dared to simply ask, "Can we have spaghetti instead? I'll make it." My mother gave my father a baffled look and said, "I guess she wants spaghetti this time!" She had done so many other worse things to me with my father's blessing that I didn't figure he deserved for me to have a fist fight with my mother over this, so I just let it go.
It's okay, we've been there. Our stories are different in detail, but the core is the same. What I hate the most about my story now, is that I became a narcissist myself, and only a couple of years ago started to do anything about it. For 35 years I lacked basic human skills, empathy, effective communication, making myself and people around me suffer. I've managed to make a good career, but my personal life was in ruin, because I was never given necessary life lessons by my narc mother, who had perverse, childish and insane perspective on the world herself. I'm glad I'm on a path to regain control over myself and to learn everything I've missed. Better late than never!
My hideous mother actually told me that I was her property. We three kids were “parasites” from the second we took our first breaths, & we were required to immediately leave the house the minute we turned 18 - yes, each of us was still in high school. I started my adult life sleeping on friends floors as their mothers were stunned to learn we were kicked out with only the clothes in our backs. In turn, we were relieved when she left this earth. She is not missed by anyone.
One time in a diner restaurant, I heard a boasting police officer talk about how he kicked out his 2 sons out of the house on their 18th birthday!!! One son said to him , but dad what about college & he said well sorry about that boy, you are now on your own!!
@@KBackStitchThey didn’t choose to have kids. They just came. Not one of the four kids was planned. We were all kicked out. At 21 or even before. That was the legal majority age then. With not a cent even though they would get allowances for us. Thank God I had a scholarship. They enriched themselves later in life. We didn’t get any support even if they would have gotten tax reduction. They prefer paying tax to helping their children. We confronted them whenever they complained about the enormous amount of incomextax they that to pay. It was not complaining, it was just showing of.
I was terrified to introduce my husband to my dad when we were dating. I literally took him on a camping trip with the rest of my extended family first.
I had experienced this exact thing and often wondered about it - like why do I do that? - and then I was labled the liar for keeping things hidden. Eventually I started to believe I was a liar and just started lying about things that didn't even require dishonesty. Anyone else? Maybe it's the shame? I know I felt guilty for doing it.
I hid my interests because if they were discovered, they would become a tool for manipulation. This eventually led to a complete lack of interest in anything, which is very bad when you become an adult. Having an interest in something leads to goals, and goals lead to success in both personal and professional life. Another interesting side effect is that at age 43 I have never taken a vacation, not even a long weekend trip. I do not even know what you are supposed to do on a holiday. When I am at home, I tend to disappear into my room. This is a default behavior of, out of sight out of mind, that I still have. The best part about this is that it's my house, I bought the dang thing; the entire house should be my safe zone, but I still retreat to one room.
I’m learning so much from these videos. Growing up with my mum was a nightmare. I remember coming back from school one day, she answered the door with tears in her eyes. So I went into panic mode. She said come in I’ve got something to tell you. So then I really started to panic. She sat me down in the living room and told me my dad was dead. She knew I idolised my dad (he didn’t live with us). I immediately broke down. She then stood up and said, just testing you. And walked out of the living room. I was about 12 or 13. I just sat there in my school blazer, shirt, tie and trousers sobbing. The thing my mum done to me we’re evil.
@@DawnClephane Yes pretty bad but there’s always someone who’s been through worse. I just don’t know why people would treat children like that. I’m grateful to my dad. He was the polar opposite. Everyone loved him. I often think my mum was jealous of my close relationship with my dad. But my mum done some pretty bad things to me. She’s also a master manipulator, except with me. I see right through her. We haven’t spoken for six years as she hates me being around. She knows I can read her like a book. I’ve met a handful of people in my life like her. They all share common core traits. Though my mum comes top still.
@@sprre3899 ok look here sprre3899, do not invalidate her emotional experience by comparing it to someone else’s experience- that’s what you did in the first line of your comment. That was her experience and her own trauma, period.
The daughter she wanted was unachievable because part of her identity was having a disappointing child. She needed the sympathy that resulted. A big fan of the show “Cheers,” not realizing she was forcing me into the roll of Cliff Claven: middle aged, living with mother, not able to do anything except work and sit at home watching tv with her. He escaped to the bar in spite of mother’s disapproval.
As my mother would remind me. 'Your happiness is not important, other peoples happiness is more important then yours. You are not important, other people are more important then you. You will at all time respect other people, but there respect you will have to earn.'
Moral of this message is to become spiritually resilient instead of trying to change the narc Become stoic and unshakable and this will get you further along your path regardless of the challenges you face and the difficult people you encounter
As a child & an adolescent I was not allowed to think for myself. I had to hear & obey all of my family members. My thoughts were considered stupid. It was hard for me to think my real thoughts instead of what I thought ppl wanted me to think. I'm so Grateful that GOD gave me his mind & his heart. Thank u so much Sir for all of your help. GOD Bless u 🙏🙏🙏
The problem I had was that my mother was genuinely hurt when I tried to resist her. This made me feel awful, upset and guilty. Even with therapy, I found hurting her, hurt me, cos of my conscience and conditioning...
A huge narcissist trait - they don't want you to have friends. They select the ones you can have. Checking to see what's in it for them first. Like the kids parents being potential flying monkeys.
My mother was similar. She would immediately introduce any friends I brought over to the "Let's all bully Dawn" game that my family so enjoyed. She eased them into it the same way she had my father and brother - by pretending she was speaking up for them, even if she was overly harsh with me in the process. For instance, I had a friend over when my mother asked, "Who wants potato chips?" while pouring them from a bag into a bowl. Both me and my friend took one, so my mom spanked me and shouted, "Save some for your friend!" My friend looked surprised, but then she laughed and said "Yeah Dawn!" while chowing down on the chips I'd just discovered I was not allowed to eat. I'm afraid far too many elementary school kids are surprised when they visit a fiend's house and discover that child's mother wants them to help her bully the child whose house they are in. Most of them jumped in with both feet and enjoyed it, which had the result my mother hoped for that I stopped inviting them over to play, but I did manage to find a few true empathic friends who stopped visiting my house and only invited me over to theirs for some egalitarian play time.
My Nmother absolutely adored her sister while she was going through a messy divorce. Once she reconciled with her husband through concerted mutual effort (which is HUGE), that love suddenly went away 🙄 They just can’t stand joy.
A person I used to consider a friend supported another woman ardently while she was ending her marriage, until she actually moved out. Then she dropped her... And began trying to destroy my marriage by telling me how good I was and how useless my husband was and she had seen him idling somewhere while I was doing errands etc etc.. They just love drama, as long as they have a leading part in it.... (Luckily, by that time I was seeing through her and did not fall for it)
I'm so grateful to have found your channel Mr Wise. My father - who I have always loved more than my mother, just passed away. I am still trying to write his eulogy. My beautiful sister (who protected me from my mother as much as she could) also passed away just 4 mnths earlier. I still love my mother, very much, but I don't like her at all, Iam stuck looking after her, at the cost of my own health and sanity. I'm being too nice because I am still in chains. Bad things began on my 5th birthday. My sister was always my protector, just before she died she told me things I'd guessed at about my mother but didn't actually know. I'll stop here. This is not quite the right time/place to try to pour everything out. I have so little energy and so much I must get done and my leukaemia is really starting to take a much bigger toll on me. No doubt the stress hasn't helped. So, yes, I'll stop here. I need food but have to wait to go into the kitchen or I'll wake mum up. Peace and love❤
Mine did everything in their power to prevent me from educating myself and having healthy friendships. They strongly encouraged unhealthy abusive relationships.
🎯 Yep, my mother encouraged and even excepted a boyfriend I was with that went to jail! He proposed she said nothing, but paid for every phone call he made and then some smh. Soon as my kid dad came around and proposed she was jealous and against it smh sad mfs
@@bella_bella85 same here. My narc mother would forbid friendships, but served me in a plate to a very trouble mind guy who almost destroyed my life Years later she would get furious when I was dating another guy, one that I really liked and wasn't dangerous for me. Even kicked him out of our house one day and didn't allowed the relationship (I was 25 at the time, but she treated me as a teenager)
@@siriasouza5264 Smh smh, tht same inmate she was gladly accepting was the same one tht gave me an STD, (I was 19 a got damn baby, like can u hop in and parent?!!) when I threatened to leave him alone he told me he would mess up my face so no one else would want me.... 😳 But thts wth they want us with 😳
I have a hard time thinking of my adoptive mum as a narc, but some of these sounds familiar. Some guy I used to see (I fancied him, but we never dated), I stopped hanging out with after I finally realised he wasn't a nice person - mum got mad about that because I was 'hurting his feelings,' in spite of the fact I told her he'd once turned his TV up so loud we couldn't talk and turned his back to me (plus other stuff she didn't know about, like trying to force me on our usual evening walk around town after I'd twisted my ankle earlier that week...). Similar with my last ex- she got angry I split with him. But me getting dumped? Even if it was devastating to me, it was a non-event for her. I didn't "enjoy" splitting up with anyone, but sometimes it's necessary and fairer on both people in the long run than staying together would be. Also my female friends were 'leading me astray' if I made decisions (by myself) she didn't like.
Having friends. Making good grades. Having an ambition for a good life. They refuse to discuss your future. Others: Ignoring your talents. Denying you opportunities. Lying about you. Destroying relationships with siblings. Destroying relationships with extended family. Telling you you're ugly, when in fact you're beautiful. Refusing to help you celebrate milestones. Being delighted when you're depressed. Savage: induced conversation. Playing favorites. The list seems endless... it's a total description of my childhood. The narc is now 99. Sometime soon, her situation will suddenly change. Then her flying monkeys can bury her. I'll know where her grave is. Maybe I'll pay a visit, bringing a little bottle of golden liquid with me... 💀
I went to her grave with a lot to say. But when I sat down, I realized I was finally free. Not one thing I came to say even mattered anymore. It was a futile moment. So I sat in the silence a while… long enough to absorb how futile it actually was. I have never been back because my grief wasn’t about losing her… it was about losing all those years I might have been something more, and if I couldn’t be that around her in life, I was not going to become that by sitting around her grassy knoll. And no, she would not have been proud of me to learn who and/or what I finally became, but I am. Let it go, my friend. Time is short.
I was forbidden 🚫 from doing anything my way. I was literally told which outfit to wear and how to wear my hair in order to project a certain image. It was control beyond belief. These videos are very eye-opening. I’ve been through my healing process, but am just now understanding why my parents acted the way they did.
My father, my 3 year old daughters only grandfather, wouldn't let her play with toys in the living room while everybody watched tv. His excuse was "people are about to come over" but actually they were coming in 6 hours. He moved all the toys to the screened in porch with concrete floor and said I could take her out there to play. It was Thanksgiving and cold.
@davidlangley1844 When they get told no you would think the sky has come crashing down when they act like spoilt children because they can't have their own way! They had done this with me and I had said the answers no and that's the end of it and I never backed down either!
According to my mother my depression as a teenager was something I was "doing to" her. It didn't seem to occur to her that my depression might be something to do with the fact that she was beating me unconscious regularly. Let alone the absolute absence of any love or affection, or attention other than yelling verbal abuse at me on a daily basis.
Apparently I was "selfish" for being suicidal at the age of 8 because the narc grandmother, the evil overlady of our family, was abusing me every time she was supposed to be watching over me, my brother and cousins, so nothing bad would happen to us before the parents come home from their workplaces. Releasing us into the wilderness would be safer.
I was told I just needed knew friends. Later I took several bottles of prescription pills and it make me really sick instead of the original intention. She told me to get over it in a whiny voice
Oh my god, I can’t even tell you how much I relate. I remember once she sat in on one of my therapy sessions, and she completely took over the entire session. I barely said anything and the therapist noticed, and tried to engage with me, but I was frustrated and stressed so I didn’t really say much. We went to the grocery store afterward and my mom stopped me in the middle of an aisle and said, “I wanna know why you’re being SO HOSTILE to me.” She was relentless, I started crying but she just wouldn’t stop guilting me and digging into me… that kind of public humiliation was a pretty regular thing when I was growing up. But the smallest hint of being unhappy with how we were being treated was perceived as a vicious attack on her as a mother.
Or, conversely, "Let me try to sell you off because I hate you so much. Oh, by the way, here's all the reasons your future spouse should hate you too." Some parents are just flat out loosers, period.
Stop I'm going to pee my pants! Mom offered me a low salary job where she used to work which meant leaving my house, husband who pays for it all and leaving my adult kids and wildlife sanctuary I created, nah!
By their behavior, they DEMONSTRATED that they hated us. BECAUSE even when we knocked ourselves out trying to comply, they invariably changed the rules and goals.
Yes, they never actually want you to meet the expectations they set out for you. They want you to miss them and are disappointed when you meet them, that's why they constantly shift the goalposts. In reality, they want your failure so that they have another reason to criticize you.
Reminds me of being 13 and going to my first concert. She wasn't happy, almost in full psycho mode but if I did the dishes I could go. 2 minutes after finishing she's beyond psycho mode. She found a spoon behind the dish rack. I don't think she actually found the spoon, I think she just grabbed one so that she can let her demon out. Always changing the rules.
Both of my parents were like this. I eventually learned to avoid sharing anything that was negitive or might upset them, because to do so would be to open life-long hazing about how wrong my life was, how badly I mis-managed my situation, etc. After a while, it was as though I could not "share" anything for fear that it would always be used against me. I actually feel better about myself because I don't share with people who can metaphorically stab me in the back.
Yes, and not only not sharing anything, but also not bringing up a topic that will trigger them. Even not ever starting a conversation, because I have no idea what mood they're in. Only talking to them if they start the conversation and it's about something neutral.
Jerry you described my nMom to the letter. Perhaps the most disgusting thing i have ever heard from my nMom was, "You don't need a girlfriend or a wife, Im all the woman you need." What made this worse is extended family co-signed on it in addition to destroying most of my relationships. It disgust me to even comment about this 🤮 . Thank you Jerry for this platform which opened my eyes to things that i thought it was normal but it wasnt.
I've a wonderful daughter in law, when my son was little I'd say "Bring me someone good, I'm not going through all this crap for nothing" and he did! He was a royal pain refusing to study but now I remind him he did listen sometimes!
The worst part is the way extended family co-signs onto that. Professionals urge you to "get support!" but it's really hard to figure out who to turn to when literally all you have around you are "crabs in the barrel" enablers And we * don’t know * it’s not normal because we’ve never been told, raised, or supported to believe anything different. I went through much the same (my mom flirted with every boy or man I brought home; my father forbade them to call the house and then said he didn’t have enough to contribute to paying for a wedding while flashing his Beamer and his black card on a full professor’s salary). Hugs. ♥
I'm sorry that happened to you. Your mom should have never said that to you. It's sick. My mother raised me pounding the idea into my head that "marriage and kids are miserable". She told me she would not ever help me with a wedding if I got married. Always had something negative to say if I were to try to have a relationship with a man. She didn't want me to leave her because then who would she get supply from? I moved to Florida when I was 19 to get away from her and guess what? Yep, she decided she wanted to live in Florida too. 🙄😪 She ruined every relationship I ever had and now here I am, 50, single and no kids...exactly what she wanted. Hope your happy mom.
As I was reafding your story, It was actually the story of my life. I am so furios! The extended family....they were part and parcel part of the creation of my downfall.
FIRST! Nah but for real, thank you so much for your work, Jerry. I think I can speak for thousands when I say that your videos are highly validating, and therefore healing, after so many years of gaslighting. 😄
My birth mother used to tell me "you're autistic, that means your brainis broken and you can't think correctly!" after I told her I got bullied by other kids for having Autism. Disgusting!
I’ve said that the theme of my childhood was “You’re not allowed”. Not allowed to be proud of my accomplishments, not allowed to be friends with the kids across the street because they’re a little too young, not allowed to spend the night with friends because I didn’t ask permission on time, not allowed to stay out with my boyfriend last 11:00 pm, not allowed to get married before I’m 25. All with an undercurrent of I’m a bitch if I dare push back, and selfish for wanting to. Thank you Jerry for making this specific video on this particular evil that has been the driving force of so much misery in my life. You make it so clear to understand.
It's an easy and convincing term when projecting their own toxic relationship on to you for being that healthly attached dotting mother. They accuse you of being what they are. Their detached demeanor is deceiving, psychologically they are enmeshed with their children (their possessions) and with the help of their narc mother, they can be quite successful in ridding you from your children's life. Narcissists breeds Narcissists. His mother was/is enmeshed with him. The signs were there.
My mother didn't want me to get a job because who would help her if I was busy with my own job? She didn't want me to go to university and the three years I was there pretended I wasn't and never mentioned it or asked me how it was going. She didn't want me to go travelling and has never asked me or shown any curiosity or interest in the 2 years I spent in South Korea. She hates that I am doing well in life and if I dare to sound at all happy with my life she reacts with a sarcastic comment like "oh well at least YOUR life is okay.. " I feel like screaming what more do you want from me?? I already sacrificed my entire childhood to you!
Hey when you told your mother you applied for a job what was her reaction like? Might be going through something similar with my birth mother? I’m still trying to gauge the situation. My boyfriend is going to help get me out of this chaotic life altering personality living situation I’ve found myself in.
I'm 53 and somehow seem to have self-differentiated in spite of my narcissistic parents and older sibling. I said a prayer that God would not allow me to grow into my mother...It worked. I am an empath...and for my own sake have had to go low contact these past three years. My parents are in ill health now and it makes me angry when people tell me ,"You'll miss them when they're gone..." and they have no idea what kind of monsters my parents really are. I just want to scream, "I WONT MISS THEM!' I will finally be free. I don't wish them harm, but I won't grieve. This is the first time I've reached out to anyone. Thanks for the safe space to vent. I needed to get this off my chest. Peace.
I'm with you 💯 % with what others say. I am always hearing...oh you're so lucky to still have your parent's. My father is the malignant narcissist. I want to SCREAM too and say, no it's a curse.
I was SO GLAD when notified that mom had died. I finally felt safe. That was in 2007. In early 2024 I found that pop died in 2010. I had a cup of tea to celebrate. It should not be this way. But it is. It's nice that others have had better experiences. Their truth is not mine. I will not argue or try to explain. I drop it, and leave if they don't stop. Simpler said than done, but it gets easier.
I am right there with you, my mother resented my marriage and my father called her crazy to me in private but never stopped her, or kept me from her telling me how strong I was for doing my best. My dad died and she went from covert narcissism to completely narcissistic and loving it. She DARVO methods all the time and began recently referring to my daughter as my mini me…is that supposed to be mean😂
i always wondered, before i learned about narcissism "if mummy is so fucking mean to me and emotionally neglectful of me, then why the hell does she always freak out when i'm not around/off being myself somewhere, and try to manipulate me into coming back????" narcissistic psycho shit was the answer.
@@こなた-m1o Ditto. I NEVER understood my psycho batshit mother. Glad I disowned her years ago. Sorry you went thru the same as I did. (And excuse my language).
- 00:44 🌱 Self-differentiation is the process of becoming and owning your true self without absorbing the negativity or problems of others. - 01:45 😡 Narcissistic parents oppose self-differentiation as it challenges their control over the child’s identity and emotions. - 02:40 🛡️ Narcissistic parents forbid inner boundaries, making emotional detachment a critical tool for self-protection. - 03:36 😤 Detachment can lead to rage from narcissistic parents, as it shows they no longer control your emotional reactions. - 04:32 🚫 Narcissistic parents prevent healthy relationships with them, viewing mature adult interactions as a threat to their authority. - 05:55 💖 Narcissistic parents see self-love as selfish or self-centered, often using religious or moral guilt to suppress it. - 06:51 🧘♂️ Non-reactivity frustrates narcissistic parents as it disrupts their ability to manipulate emotional responses. - 08:39 🔄 Expect resistance when practicing self-differentiation, as it disrupts the emotional balance in the family system. - 09:57 ⚠️ If tolerance and cordiality do not improve with a narcissistic parent, consider reducing or cutting contact. - 10:38 🎯 Work on self-differentiation by staying mature, calm, and not absorbing the parent’s negativity. - 11:08 🚪 Continuously remind yourself: "They are not me, and I am not them" to break emotional enmeshment with narcissistic parents.
Same. But I loved my normal Dad and knew his life would be hell once I left. When I did move out, his life indeed was made hell by my narc mom but I phoned him almost every day and I treasure those calls.
I did. Best decision ever. I had to go back for my senior year of HS. Then I left for college on a full scholarship across the country. Mom actually hid my admissions paperwork! Years later my Dad apologized for being her enforcer and acknowledged that I had been right about her ridiculousness all along.
I had my books taken away and was forced to sit in the living room and socialize. I could only take a shower and wash my hair once a week. Not allowed to wear mascara or lipstick or get my ears pierced until a certain age. I was a gifted child my parents had no idea what to do with me but I was badly abused.
I was a gifted child with a very high IQ. Consequently, I was bored to death in school (until university) with the constant repetition of everything. I didn't learn from my mother until I was well into adult life that my school had held a meeting with my parents and wanted to let me skip a grade. My mother refused, on the grounds that she didn't want me to "get a fat head" and think that I was better than anyone. That hurt. She KNEW how much I hated school and needed to be challenged more. I later made it a point to enroll in a university far from home. It was great.
I am so amazed how many of us are going to be and were happy to see them die! How sad is that!! My main goal in raising my child was for him not to seek out these Videos and discuss his horrible childhood with his friends like I do
A light bulb went off when listening to this. You mentioned absorbing. One thing I’m trying to unpack and work through as an adult is how my mother dumped all of her emotional baggage onto me my entire life even as a child. I grew depressed and sad every time she’d do this because I could feel myself taking on those burdens. To this day I still remember my mother talking about my parents divorce and what went on in the court (I was around 8-9) my moms sex life, worried about where we would find a place to live, all of the drama of family arguing, her entire past and mistreatment she endured etc. I took on much of those feelings and garbage. But, I’m learning to purge and let it go. It’s no longer mine and I don’t have to carry it anymore.
If I did any push back, I was being "disrespectful" in her eyes and my sibling's eyes. I really struggled over the years on how to deal with the "honor your father and mother" because it would end up being "run over" if you didn't let them say or do whatever.
Exactly this! "You don't need to go out with your friends, you can hang out with your sister." For whatever reason, my sisters didn't get this. You'd think that a parent would be happy that their friendless child was managing to make friends for once and actually getting invited to something. Even a solitary soul needs a friend or two.
My mom would tell me this all the time growing up. She was so suffocating. I recently cut off most of my friends and my parents almost looked like they wanted to celebrate. They weren’t the types of friends I didn’t want around anymore either, don’t get me wrong because they were toxic too. However, after sometime now I see why my narc parents were so happy. In their twisted view they had me all to themselves again. Such BS
@@Chrysaetos3 If you have NParents and NSiblings, you as the non-N who sees this will be made responsible for the NSiblings' happiness and be on 24hour call for whatever the NParent or NSibling wants.
I went no contact with my parents over a year ago. I still feel guilty about it. Often i think "well it wasn't that bad really" or even still blame myself. This list that you gave.. my mother ticks of several of those. It was bad, it was bad enough that i went no contact because she will not change. Thank you for this. When i have a hard time it's good to see that i'm not crazy and i should not be treated the way i was.
That’s normal. You’ll start feeling better as you heal and self-differentiate. I’m still 4 years in, and the change/growth is slow & steady at times, but it’s change and growth nonetheless.
I did that. Then the guilt was too much because they are in their 80's that I broke down and went to see them. Of course, it was all me and they did absolutely nothing wrong. So, then I ventured into low contact. Well, that's not working out either. I went the other day, with one of my children. I do that because usually it's safe. They won't criticize me and go off on me when my children are with me. They broke that on Sunday. Totally went off on me, even at one point yelling at me to shut up and that they provided for me. Which I guess means I owe them. They are mad that I set boundaries with my sisters. And I guess now with them. My daughter, for the first time ever, witnessed their behavior towards me. The real them. She felt sad for me. I felt sad for her. They totally tried to gaslight her like they are the good guys too. So, I'm back to no contact again. And utterly heartbroken about it. And I sent a message to my mother letting her know to not expect me to show up, if ever again. They won't respond because that's how my family handles things. Ignores it and pretends like it never happened. And according to them, 'stop living in the past'. Essentially, allow the abusive tactics to continue because that's just how they are. But it's extremely abusive towards oneself to keep going back to the behavior. There will never be any healing by doing that.
I went no contact at age 58. I should have done it at 18. Yes, I have waves of guilt( I’m selfish, etc). But as years pass, the waves turn to mere ripples.
@SJ-km4db almost exactly the same story here.... And they had a rage in front of my wonderful grown up son... He was horrified as I'd tried to protect the grandkids... But they have now exposed themselves but are now lying & gaslighting about what actually happened finally no contact for good this time.... They've used up too much of my good, empathetic nature. It's them not us!
@@bevkaveri3916 I thought I could hold out until they passed away. Knowing that I would eventually stop talking to my sisters once they were both gone. But I usually felt worse about myself after a visit because of the constant criticism. I could do nothing right. After an episode with my husband and them once again siding with my older sister instead of staying out of it, it just became too much. And I know they expected me to side with them and can not see their fault in it. They don't like my husband anyways. No surprise there. But I'm completely heartbroken. My daughter has something coming up and I asked her if she wanted to invite them. She said only if they apologize to me. I told her, it won't happen. They will never apologize because they don't believe they did anything wrong. Her view about them has changed considerably. She graduates high school this year. It will be up to her to invite them. It's sad all around. I always did my best to make sure my kids didn't see they way they could be.
I don't like allowing the deliberately destructive narcissist to rest comfortably in their lies, so when I hear their projection, I often reply with, "That's you, not me." Then I simply left, without another word.
Dear Jerry, how perfect the match today. I was waking back from the store to my place and Had the Realization, the feeling in the body, that I was not Allowed to Have boundaries in my own body, in my Own energy field. All the horrible things that happened to me, because of such Basic thing. IN SA NE. Never stop sharing dear, may lots of energy and strength be with you. You are saving lives. Love from Perú 🙌🏼💪🏼
As the adult (60) daughter of a narc mom, I can relate to everything you talk about. Between you and Dr. Ramani, I am finally aware and healing from a lifetime of abuse. It explains so much about the childhood nervous habits I used to have, and why a dear friend of mine used to call me a little co-dependent. Thank you for all you do.
As a victim of a narcissistic dad, I wonder how is it possible that these people are copy paste of each other. In all cultures, countries if a person has narcissistic disorder, they behave the same. How is that possible?
Wow, you just defined my childhood, adolescence and into adulthood! I’m much older now, and my mother is gone to her “reward”, but I will always be healing from the experience. I have lived my own life my way for many years, but I don’t think healing is ever a done thing, because the narcissist parent(s) drilled their toxic lessons so deep into your psyche for so many years that we have to keep on purging it and continuously getting better for the rest of our lives.
As someone who is completely blind, on the autism spectrum and has CPTSD, my narcissistic stepmom would forbid me from using accommodations that I truly needed and the accommodations that truly benefit me. I had to fit in with the rest of society’s norms and rules. Loving myself for who I am was also not allowed. I work each and every day to heal and accept myself and not mask mainly my emotions and my CPTSD and the things that benefit my blindness. I don’t mask my autism that much because I feel like I have overcame that in many ways.
@@LindsayLoo-q5d I am now living with my biological mom. Who loves me unconditionally. She also accepts me for who I am. And she also understands my blindness, autism, and CPTSD. I also have a husband who is completely blind and autistic. And he loves me and accepts me for who I am. He also understands my CPTSD
In my experience, they will be very explicit in making exactly these kinds of ridiculous demands, just once they have one alone so that there are no other witnesses. Because, as well as abusive bullies, they are also cowards who fully understand that other people, such as one's spouse, would be abhorred if they saw them unmasked.
My parents know that my husband will stand up for me. Because he did when my older sister physically attacked me. They were so pissed off that I told him what happened. Because he ended up calling my brother in law to discuss it. Both brother in laws stayed out of it. Despite the fact that it happened at another sister's house. Where the one that attacked me was driven there by her husband and he dropped her off and left!!! My parents response was why did I tell my husband. It was 'between the sisters' Gutless, all of them. So, they would criticize or go off on me without my children or husband around. Only, this past weekend, they broke that code and totally went off on me in front of my child. My mother saying, what if I said all that you did when you were a teenager, but I won't because my daughter was there. Essentially, saying I was a horrible person when I wasn't. I obeyed until I was in my 20's and had enough. She gave my daughter the impression that I did some horrific things. And when I defended myself, my mother told me to shut up more than once. They broke the rule of trying to be well behaved in front of my kids. Never again will I allow them to disrespect me like that in front of my children. My husband is on the brink to tell them off. But I told him, I will handle it for right now. However, should he ever be in the same area as him, I won't hold him back from saying something. It's why they hate him though. Because there ONE person in my life that will stick up for me. And it's neither of my siblings.
I wasn't allowed to date- even at age 30 or look at bridal magazines I had to sneak them while caring for my narc bio mother. I wasn't allowed to drink coffee even as an adult, take aspirin even during the most painful cramps growing up. I was relieved when she finally passed away age 70 in 2016
In 2006 was informed that my mom had died, in another state than I thought she lived in. My main feeling was simply relief. I was finally safe. In early 2024 I found that the old man had died in early 2010. Yay some more. Some people say NO contact isn't good. I say that THEY broke the family contract. All I did, was survive. Which enraged them, but not a problem at 1,000 miles away. Never easy, it's been incredibly difficult. But easier than living in their insanity. I survived. Which is something people should not have to say about "family." But it is true.
u were an adult, your mother could not have stopped you from drinking coffee or finding a relationship, that was a choice you made - to obey, and that's on you. Why didn't you move out and stand on your own feet, sounds like you chose to remain in the family home Take some responsibility for your own actions, having a narc parent is horrible but it doesn't excuse you from any responsibility for the choices you made.
As trauma informed, let me leave this lawful and humane statement. Being an adult chronologically, your gender, ethnicity, etc has no more protection than a restraining order, drivers license, insurance or even the keys to your home or car. Its a flagged alert or memo at best. Its not deployment of or access to freedoms. Exploitation from child to seniors exist. It not that easy or more accurate NOT SAFE. Thats why theres crimes, statues, jail, adult custody, etc. There's a thing of criminal psychological abuse and restraint of a person & felonious if against a vulnerable person. A person who qualifies under your adult clause. Theres spiritual, mental, financial and physical criminal acts. Grooming and cohersion, Stockholm, etc all landing into more physical disability and deteriorating. Punishable by imprisonment and civil liability. Such dismissive incomplete, subjective & narrow attitudes paralyze you. Its in the mind of all survivors mostly anyway. Its heightened for those dealt to narcissists. Allstate doesn't give you permission to drive away from impact because you have a freedom pass in hand/glovebox. You are still on a highway at the moment of another. Insured or not, impact is life changing & ending. You can stay parked, or access the highway. For some, the option of staying parked, isn't an option. In narcissists web, not only do you rarely get to drive, they are driving with safety years and pedals in the passenger seat like a driving coach except you are always the passenger but because you're in the driver seat they make sure you are the blame for whatever impact That's a real conundrum and true cause of anxiety and triggered pathological effect. So no you can't just leave. No "this too won't pass" so easily. Our society back from even enslavement has validated all stated here. Walking around with freedom papers so to speak, insurance, adult identification etc. will never cheat the opportunity of oppression by another. Be mindful to not accidentally discount the encouragement of anothers hope forward. They're not suffering because they lack anything. Thanks
@@RiverGirl-u8hchildhood trauma changes the way your brain develops. It’s harder than you make it sound. MFG. I came home from my first date. It was a day-date. Broad daylight to an amusement park. I had asked permission and was told no. I decided that at my age, I didn’t need permission and went anyway. I came home to someone sitting alone, in a chair, no tv, no book, no phone. Waiting for me. I got a very angry lecture about my disobedience, the stress I inflicted on her because of the dangers I subjected myself to. She talked about how worried and frightened I made her. I was told I WOULD NEVER DO THIS AGAIN, Holy crap. I was 19. My curfew was “when the streetlights come on.” She would actually come outside and take me by the arm and guide me back inside. I was two years older than I had been when she had last hired a babysitter for me. Really. It changes your brain. The responses are fight, flight, or freeze. It’s not a choice. Some of us freeze.
I genuinely used to believe that if I ever disagreed with my mother it was a sign of my immaturity and one day I would grow up and have all the same views on everything as her - that’s how much she put me down if I ever had a different opinion to her on anything
Sounds like my parents, sadly they are both gone now. It crippled me in being able be independant and feeling ok to do for myself. I never felt I had the right to be or do anything they disaproved of. I lost so many years of my life being what I thought they wanted I dont know who I am or what I want. Whenever I rebelled I always had hell to pay. Never physical, mind you, but it was the snide remarks, silent treatment, treated as if I wasnt even there, being talked over. If I interupted I was screamed at as if I had no right. So now I still feel this deep conflict, I can still hear them in my head. Funny thing is I still love them more now than I did then, I still miss them. How do you let go and move on? I was full of rage for years after my Mom passed, my Dad passed early this year and it was like my eyes were opened. Part of me thinks it was because they were afraid to lose me, could not let me go and be myself, imperfect but true to myself. Mabe it retarded my maturity, feeling that at 48 I still never grew up. Anger at myself for not being able to stand up to them, frustrated that whenever I had tried growing up it was somehow wrong. If that was wrong what was right? Now that I've gotten perspective, I know what I need to be doing but why do I feel so "locked up" about moving forward? To put it simply it's silly to inwardly feel like an awkward scared teenager facing the world, again. Im older than that, I shouldnt feel that way. It's embarrising, humilating. I dont entirely blame my parents, Equally Im at fault for not learning from it years ago. They did the best they could with what they each experienced growing up. I could just never see it, let alone accept it till lately.
My mother didn’t want me to get married or have children! And she expected complete obedience. It was like being raised in a cult. She was angry if we didn’t like what she liked, even food. Or Lawrence Welk 😂. I was lucky to have a great psychologist and finally got married and had a baby. Neither of my siblings had children. Im grateful that narcissism is better understood now. ❤
Thank you for the teachings i was married with a narcissistic man for a little over a decade...I am learning how to deal with this for the love I have for my daughter. But wow, how sad must be to be raised by a narcissistic parent. Thankfully I was raised by a wonderful Mother who respected me in all the ways. Unfortunately she passed and my life became very difficult...
Telling my mom no with a little chuckle when she asked for a photo together at a recent family baby shower was super empowering for me. I haven't talked or texted her in over 3 years. I was shocked at her audacity. I'm pretty sure she figured I would say yes because my aunts were around, but I didn't care. Why would I take a photo with someone I literally cut off contact with?
My narc mom bought a house and 3 of her adult children live with her. This is strange. My sister who is 45, my 37 year old brother and my 31 year old brother. She loves it. She wants all of her children living with her. It’s weirdddddd. I’m 34, moved out at 18 for college and never moved back to my hometown. I never looked back because I saw the trap my mother mentally creates
The narcissistic grown child also can impact their parent. Great info. It should help me deal more effectively with that situation with my son and his wife. Simply put I don’t have to allow them to abuse me and them be disrespectful.
I have watched 3 of your videos and I want to thank you…I finally not only know what the problem is in my marriage … I also understand 3 generations of my wife’s family…I thought I was going crazy
What timing to see this. I went to visit my parents the other day with my oldest child. I went a full year of no contact, but the guilt got the best of me and I finally reached out. All of it was of course, my fault and they did nothing wrong. I then went low contact. It had been a little bit and decided to stop by for a visit for like an hour. Within 5 minutes, BOTH of my parents started in on me. One of my sisters moved and when my father mentioned it, I just shrugged. It set them off. My older sister stopped talking to me over a year ago for a stupid reason, once again, and I flat out told my parents that she will never not, not talk to me because I will never engage with her again. It was the last time she would pull that. Anyways, they went off about my husband, my child's father, threatened to tell of my behavior when I was young, over 30 years ago. Told me to shut up at one point. My daughter felt pulled into it and the cause of the rift. And after they were done and it was off their chest, thought I would hang around to chit chat. Well, needless to say, we left within 30 minutes of showing up. My mother didn't hear me say goodbye and was surprised and said something. But my oldest told her I said goodbye. I sent a message today, letting my mother know that I would not be showing up anytime soon. She would never disrespect me in front of my children again. Their behavior was disgusting and shameful and for the first time, their grandchild saw their behavior firsthand. I told her that I will defend myself and my husband, especially in front of our children. They broke the rule of decency when I was with my children and can no longer trust that they wouldn't do it again. I think I am finally done for good now. With my entire family. They think because they 'provided' for me that I owe them. Regardless that even at 54 years old, they criticize every decision I make. Continue to compare me, not just to others, but also to both of my siblings. And of course, coming up short against any of them. They are both in their 80's now. I thought I could deal with it until their deaths. But all it's done is put me in a deep depression. I hate going to visit and always made to feel worthless when I leave their house. My sanity is being affected by it. They will, of course, make sure that any monies will not come to me. And quite frankly, that's fine. It's not about the money. I make my own. They can't hold that over me because I don't care. It's conditional with them and I'm no longer interested in participating in their dysfunction. I KNOW they are pissed that I set a boundary with my sister(s). Because all I hear from them is, well you know how they are. And so, essentially, ignore what they do to me because it's family and it's how they are. But because I said I will not tolerate their abusive tactics anymore, it's my fault that the family doesn't all get together. "I live in the past and should move forward". I am moving forward by not allowing myself to be emotionally abused by my siblings over and over again. But they don't like that. And now, I'm moving forward from my parents emotionally abusing me. And yet, I'm completely heartbroken and sad. I will never be part of the family again and it greatly saddens me. But for my sake and that of my children, I can't continue to expose them to that behavior as normal. So, it will just be my immediate family and we will have to build a new way of doing things and changing the future.
@@youcanstickit My sister DID NOT go no contact me with a$$hole. I went no contact with her! And no, I'm am not narcissist. Because I have NEVER treated my sister in the same manner she has treated me. You have NO idea how she has been throughout my entire life and each time she ignores me for months, then she comes back to talk me, I accept it. This last time is THE LAST TIME she will ignore me. So, if putting up a boundary with my siblings and parents make a narcissist, so be it. For every person that points the finger at someone, there are 3 pointing back.
@@SJ-km4db lol, so f'king what if your sister doesn't always talk to you? Maybe she has a life and can't be at your beck and call? Grow up and get a life.
My mother went into a full on rage when she saw me look at her and raise one eyebrow at what she had said that was totally nuts to me . I was preteen at the time. She said not another word but came and slapped me so hard in the face that it knocked me down onto the floor . I learned to hide my dissociation from then on … I’m a great poker player .
Breathing wrong, I was incapable of breathing without instruction from a semi literate idiot who thought humans had two different pipes in your throat and two different stomachs, one for solids and one for liquids. This instruction by an individual without knowledge of even basic human anatomy could go on for hours. The best part is we had two complete sets of encyclopaedias, the local library only had three. They were so arrogant and determined their stupidity was right they never bothered to look in those encyclopaedias once.
I had constant ear nose & throat infections growing up from narc moms chain smoking- I would get curtains of phlegm closing up my throat causing me to constantly clear it. Narc mother (who also did that) cruelly mocked me for doing it as a teenager. It wasn't till years later I found out I had a serious gastrointestinal issue that caused it. She was truly harmful to my health
Mine got mad at me for using the wrong size spoon to eat cereal. Kicked and screamed at me for not placing my housekeys where she wanted me to. Screamed at me for bringing home frozen tomatoes; gee, maybe expecting me to bring home ten bags of groceries in the middle of a blizzard is why the tomatoes froze? No no, all my fault for not placing those in a pocket, never hers for thinking anybody with ten bags of groceries walking in a blizzard can manage that without items freezing!
Holy hell if this is isnt everything I have to deal with on a regular basis. Just being a person is offensive to my family and they ALL go out of their way to punish me for trying to do normal things like working, or trying to clean the house. They talk so much crap about me being around but make it impossible to move out. Anytime I try not to react or keep to myself they will pick fights and create issues just to drag me back into the mess.
Get the f*ck out of there no matter the cost to you right now! Just pack up and leave even if you have to be homeless for a week or two. You will feel much better right away! I went no contact 30 years ago. If you stay there or keep in contact after you leave it will kill you!
Make an exit plan. It doesn't have to be perfect, nor do you need to know all the details, just as long as you're moving toward a future that you want. You can figure out the details when you get there.
Thank you Jerry. I find your videos extremely informative and find myself nodding along to them. I am an only child to a narcissistic mother and a bully for a father. My father doesn’t want to hear what I have to say he just wants to vent and shout. Several years ago after much soul searching I went NC and contact is now limited to Christmas and Birthday cards for both parents, who separated many years ago. I don’t wish my parents any ill will but I have moved on with my life. I am happily married. Am content for the first time in years and I don’t have time for toxic people in my life. End of.
Exactly right! My parents and siblings had a sort of 'cult of personality' going on and because I didn't follow along I was abused and ostracised. I was 'constantly argumentative' because I had a different opinion on even trivial things. I refused to backstab and gossip, therefore I was nasty and self-important, or not being loyal! My brother and sister actively sabotaged my career, being in the same field, by spreading slander and abuse. It lead to a bad marriage with a narcissistic religious husband who fooled me into thinking that because he was religious he was a nice person. Once I had kids, my parents would use my kids to 'rebel against me' by letting my children do things that were not good for them, like letting my 3 yo son play 18+ violent computer games. Despite my protests, my ex-husband would insist we still visit them. He was abusive and controlling so I had no choice. I'm divorced now and my parents have passed away and it has taken decades of my life to be able to live in peace. My siblings try to carry on the family 'tradition' but are now outnumbered and my kids are too smart for their BS, thankfully.
My mother was damaged by narcissistic parents, and so became a cowardly one; my father was an abusive alcoholic. I never analyzed him enough to figure him out. My husband had narcissistic parents;m we were not great parents, but grew and are better parents and pretty good grandparents. We are supportive now, but can let go, which has to be the hardest part of having a family.I wish I had known all of this and known what to do for both of us long ago. (We may not even have gotten together had we been emotionally healthier.)
Right on time! Thank you for stopping me from making a very bad decision to renew contact with my narc mom who has had her 3rd stroke. That would replay the last stroke she had and she was very well set up with one of my sisters....the best one for this task. Last time I went to spend the day with Mom so my sister took a break resulting in Mom becoming addiment/rebelious to come home with me. "She's mine! She belongs to me!" was her rant and she went into a rage, forcing my sister to send her back home...under my care...and, again, she tried to take over my life. "You're mine! You belong to me!"she'd scream at me. NOT going to let that happen again.
I’m the scapegoat of my narcissistic family. Been learning about narcissism for a few years now, but have only recently found your channel and learned about self-differentiation.
I lived through everything you described as an only child of a single narcissistic mother and did not fully unmesh from her until I was in my 60’s. She passed away at 100 years old four years ago, and I am now totally free to be me and live my remaining years in peace. I wish I knew all you described when I was young. I had to figure it all out on my own. But, I got there in the end.
"Just make your mom happy". I was told that by my workaholic narc dad about my mentally unstable mother when I was eight and asking wtf about her behavior.
Thank you…this was my life with my family. This was the information I needed to hear today on my journey of healing. Couldn’t understand why the flying monkeys always wanted me to return (mom is the salt of the earth)…I feel truly vindicated in my decision to moving out of the country. Thank you again.
Terrific video! Very helpful. After sixty plus years, with the help of these lectures, I simply cut them off. It was very weird at first. I made sure I kept listening to lectures. That kept me strong. Now I look back and can't believe I didn't do it decades ago. Second best thing I did in life. The best thing I did in life was leave the USA for good. It's angry, predatory, drugged, gluttonous, narcissistic, sociopathic, expensive... That was the best decision of my life!
This was exactly how my parents were to me. Took me to have a severe breakdown at 40 realizing all of this, and how much I hated who I had become because of it, to rebuild myself from nothing.
this is so true. god forbid you set healthy boundaries--it feels so wrong, like you're going to get in trouble because you're a bad person! god forbid you experience and express true joy--it feels like you'll be struck by lightning for not being miserable at best and blank at worst. god forbid you love yourself and live a happy life and catch yourself randomly smiling as you walk past a mirror--you must be doing something evil and wrong!
“…becoming and owning your true self.” This happened for me at the age of 40, when I got myself a tattoo for my birthday, knowing full well the reaction I would get from my narcissist Mom. To me, that finally said, “This is MY body.” 😊👍
My parents hated my friends and couldn't stand that i married someone who they didnt approve of. Turns out they didnt actually care about my well being. It was about losing control of me
![เปิด อาณาจักร หมื่นล้าน "สาระตั้ม" l [Nickynachat]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/3XE0nPF4YkQ/mqdefault.jpg)
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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Oh good grief. So THAT'S why they can't ever be satisfied. It's not that you're doing anything that, if asked, they could point a finger at and logically call "wrong" (even by their own crazy standards). It's that you're being your own self, separate from them, period. You're not under their control, and they can't handle that for even a split second without acting like immature, spoiled, controlling children over it - even when you've been an adult for decades.
It's not what you said "No, (fill in what you started to say to explain your 'No,' here, before they hung up on you)" to, it's the fact that you said the word "No" at all, even if all you meant was "I need to do the thing you asked in a different way, because the different way will work a thousand times better, but I will still do the thing that will help you after you asked for help."
I'm sorry, but these people are just plain insane. They need mental health help that we, their adult children can't and are not responsible to give them. Honestly? Family Doctors (and judges/lawyers of all kinds too) around the country need to get educated on recognizing, diagnosing, and dealing with the symptoms of narcissism, and they need to be legally held accountable to do so, with fines and jail-time if they clearly ignore the most obvious symptoms and signs of it, after being highly trained in this. It needs to be part of their job descriptions, going forward.
Time to put this cow dung to bed. So sick of the Boomer and Joneser Generations perpetually putting the rest of us through it for no actually valid reason at all. They've been doing this to us, one way or another, since the late 1960s. I say, put most of them behind bars just for being in those generations, and force them to PROVE afterwards that they don't belong there for the rest of their lives. SO DONE WITH THEM.
Thanks for making things free for those who can't support themselves yet
How can i deal with narsistic parent who try to put me down because " We all know what others think of you !" when they can no longer control me started to say this and care other peoples thougts , and who call me an idiot when I tell him to his face that he didn't do this and this as a parent to me .even if you had Opportunity but you choose not to do it, so don't tell me you did everything to me ,you didnt! ,then immediately he became to say to me İ am an idiot and attacked my brain and my achievements...😢😂
@@budeutsch No contact is the most healthy thing. If you can’t, stay away as much as you can. Don’t stay longer than one hour. Always have something planned after so you have to go. Worked for me for a long time. Get educated about narcissism and don’t ever comment to the narc. Do something you like to loose the frustration after a visit.
@@marjet2228 , that is really helpful advice, thank you. Your advice is also far more feasable for my circumstances. I'm living with (& looking after) my frail, elderly mother. She has always been my narcissistic abuser. My sister, (who) has always been my protector since I was little & the horror started. My beautiful sister died a couple of mnths ago and my darling father (who I've always felt much closer to than my mother) also just passed away. I'll stop here, or the floodgates will open.
Just wanted to say thank you.
They interpret any expression of individuality as “disrespect”. Don’t listen.
Aw Im so sorry you had to go through that!
Sounds almost as if you've met my dad.
As I get older I am seeing more and more how bad both my parents were.
They wanted me to just get good grades in school and do things they can then brag about. At the same time anything I expressed interests in like playing musical instruments or joining a sports team they always said I was not good enough and I should do something more productive.
My father was even a coach for the local soccer team and would not allow me to even practice with the team. I always had to sneak out at night to play with other kids that my guess had similar parents.
Yes!!
Well my mother tries to emasculate me with the phrase "be yourself" when I knew I have problems like degeneracy
They forbid you from being better, more successful, more grounded, more wise, or more insightful than them.
Yeah they really hate that.
They envy, backbite, demean, oppose, and gaslight whenever you have different ideas, shine, win praise from others.
Yup
They're enraged that you might be your authentic self.
Or they have only one ambition for you, and it isn't what you want you do, they passive aggressively sabotage what you want to do
to try to force you into thier ambition for you, or you can be bloody miserable.
My mother constantly told me I was selfish when I was growing up. It took decades of work to learn to be authentic without feeling ashamed.
My mom called us “ungrateful wretches”
Narcissist parent is terrified by that child that is innovative at an early age because innovative people are hard to manipulate
Oooo. Good one
@@kameshiam1674 also innovative people tend to be autonomous. I started buying my own shoes when I was a little boy with my little money that I earned from my art and design and my mother did not like the fact that I was buying my own clothes and shoes. What's up with narcissists?
@@ErickSande-hb1kdThey want to control everything. My mother cried when I moved out. Then she told me how she wanted my apartment organized. Then she told me I was stupid for moving out. When I moved back, I was still stupid.
@@kameshiam1674 that's a typical narcissist. She wants to micromanage her child
This is so very, very true. It's what saved me!
Boy, I wish I had someone to tell me these things before I was 72!
One of our father’s favorite tactics was to say, “I’m so disappointed.”
And, “You don’t need any outside friends, we’re family! And we stick together!”
Because he couldn’t maintain friends
They will be so angered when you start living your life without them, especially when they see your life is only improving. They’d much rather you to be depressed and grieving the loss of the relationship… ✌🏽
Unfortunately it's true...
Yes it’s really backwards. Society can’t “see” parents as anything but “good” it seems.
I have been depressed and grieving the relationship.
@@LindsayLoo-q5dit’s because we live in a toxic narc society. Parents can literally get away with murder in our society. Abortion is still going on today. It doesn’t make sense to us empaths, because it’s not supposed to. Hate doesn’t make sense to us loving people.
@@annaburns2865 I’ll have moments where I’m really sad about it, but then I remind myself how much peace I have now. It’s heartbreaking because we’re not supposed to have relationships like this with our own parents.
In my experience….
1-have friends
2-develop interests
3-exert any independence
4-disagree with them
5-branch out from the family
6-make efforts to improve or educate yourself.
7-ask questions when you notice plot holes in their stories
Thanks! For stating what to do.
At this stage I cut off my narc. Mother and 2 toxic brothers. No other family ( my father died) and my mother fell out with all extended family so never met them.And she no friends of course. Much better since I went no contact.
"You're so rebellious!" "You're embarrassing me!" etc. etc. 😑
Also use their favorite hurtful words against them. Repeats home back and treat them like a child when they have a temper tantrum and get loud.
Always make sure you have friends or someone in your corner, you just need one. Person who will believe you and protect you
Positive emotions. You aren't allowed to be happy with your accomplishments. If you buy a car they will just point out all of the problems come with owning a car or they will point out that their own car is much better.
Whenever I bought something my dad wad interested in he would immediately go out and buy a better one.
"their own car is much better"
I've heard this referred to as black catting (origin: my black cat is blacker than your black cat).
@@caolanod2261 a narcissist preteen did this with his younger brother. He would get extremely nervous about money and things given to his brother. He went out of his way to block his parents decisions about nice gifts, cry that his brother shouldn’t have similar gifts since he is younger, then proceeded to becoming the one ordering his brothers bday gifts and it was mostly items he wanted himself.
One day his brother said he was going to remind mom that he needs new sneakers. The narcissist brother immediately! flew up a flight of stairs to intercept his mom and told her that he was the one who needed new shoes. Then another time, they were both getting new shoes and the whole ride to the store and at the store he kept manipulating his brother into selecting a particular pair (a cheaper one) by saying how amazing those sneakers were and making it look like he too wished for them. Then he called his mom (also a narc who raised him this way) and got the budget for their shoes increased. Then he made sure the little bro chose the cheaper shoes and he, the special one, got the latest and most popular shoes. Then! once he was pleased with his scheme, on the ride back he kept telling his younger brother how his shoes were not as cool as his. He made sure that his brother has the worse pair and then made sure he is aware of his poor taste. Other times he would just make sure their mom orders even cheaper sneakers for his brother and finally the younger brother caught on to it and sadly acknowledged to me how his mom never gets hims what he asks for, but always gets the nicer stuff to the older brother, immediately upon asking. The narcissistic mom/son relationship is so weird they hate each others guts but also are obsessed with one another and favor each other over other ppl.
True. This is exactly what happens. Growing up with narcissistic parents is a disaster. It’s a challenge that will haunt you throughout your entire life.
Get them out of your life for good!
I understand how and why you say this! I feel and know this disaster! It is a challenge for us but we can win! Thank you for posting!
It’s best to go no contact and stay no contact narcissist parents don’t respect boundaries or feelings at all
@@Missjone87💯 they try so hard to portray a positive image outside but indoors never the case
@@lespaul1755I did!!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 😊 totally fine with it, and I hope I never ever hear either of their voices again!
Narc parents forbid you relationships... indirectly of course but message is clear, friends forbidden, difference of opinion to them is forbidden🎉🎉🎉
Isnt that the truth. My family makes it impossible to bring anyone around them and then tells me it's proof that no one likes me.
And we learn later it's because they feel threatened by it, how abnormal is that!😊
@@pyramidion5911They say the meanest things, my husband used to say that but truth is he'll go against me with anyone, even our daughter! I'd never marry anyone without money, anyone who doesn't know marriage leads to abuse has had blinkers on!
Their relationship is okay of course.. just ours is a problem
My mother told me in front of my wife, “We didn’t tell you we didn’t want you to get married!”
I grew up in the House of No. I learned to never ask because I already knew the answer.
I could have written this.
@@estellepatella2520 same with myself as well!
same here
i never bothered asking any more ... always a no
Me too. I still have a panic attack every time I have to ask for something
Your comment has made me realize that I also rarely ask, expecting the answer to be no. ❤
Narcissists accuse YOU of everything that THEY are doing. Thanks Jerry, you're a godsend.
Like the ungrateful label they put on young children!
@@joannesaltfleet2071 Expecting us to be grateful they did the bare minimum. My mom said on multiple occasions that if I called CPS on her, that I should call an ambulance, too.
@@joannesaltfleet2071 Lol. That makes sense. They are truly ungrateful people.
My narc mother forbade me any choice (I moved out at 21, that’s when I started for the first time buying clothes of my own choice, and did my first haircut and dye), she forbade me learning life skills (she cooked, never taught me cooking, she had garden, never taught me how to take care of plants), never offered choices in food, you’ll have what you’re given, no posters on walls in my room, no personal expression in anything. When I decided to learn to play the guitar, she ordered me what songs to learn, my picks were not good enough 😅 To put it short, she was directing my life like I was a Sims character. Even though I escaped, it messed me up big time. Sorry for venting. Love your videos, even though they are hard to watch sometimes, too emotional 🫶
Vent away! What things did you discover about yourself?
Sure hope you are picking & singing your OWN songs now!❤
I definitely understand what you are saying. As my mother left my first apartment when I was 18, I remember saying "Goodbye" but fearing she would just drop in at any time. I knew I would need to quickly find a new address and not let her know what it was. She had beaten me so much during my childhood that, even when I was 15, she would greet me after school with, "We're having your favorite food for dinner! Steak!" I would act thrilled in front of my father and say "Thanks Mom!" even though I hated steak. The only reason it was "my favorite food" was because my father would grill the steaks, which got my mother out of having to cook dinner. In order to decrease my father's suspicion that my mother just wanted to make him do the work of fixing dinner, she declared steak MY favorite food, and I just didn't dare to admit I wasn't thrilled, even as a teen. I was fully 45 and visiting only because I wanted to meet my nieces and nephews (golden child's kids) when my mother told me we were again having my favorite food of steak and I dared to simply ask, "Can we have spaghetti instead? I'll make it." My mother gave my father a baffled look and said, "I guess she wants spaghetti this time!" She had done so many other worse things to me with my father's blessing that I didn't figure he deserved for me to have a fist fight with my mother over this, so I just let it go.
It's okay, we've been there. Our stories are different in detail, but the core is the same. What I hate the most about my story now, is that I became a narcissist myself, and only a couple of years ago started to do anything about it. For 35 years I lacked basic human skills, empathy, effective communication, making myself and people around me suffer. I've managed to make a good career, but my personal life was in ruin, because I was never given necessary life lessons by my narc mother, who had perverse, childish and insane perspective on the world herself. I'm glad I'm on a path to regain control over myself and to learn everything I've missed. Better late than never!
My hideous mother actually told me that I was her property. We three kids were “parasites” from the second we took our first breaths, & we were required to immediately leave the house the minute we turned 18 - yes, each of us was still in high school. I started my adult life sleeping on friends floors as their mothers were stunned to learn we were kicked out with only the clothes in our backs. In turn, we were relieved when she left this earth. She is not missed by anyone.
Can't believe this, stay blessed.
It is true. My father is near death. He won‘t be missed.
One time in a diner restaurant, I heard a boasting police officer talk about how he kicked out his 2 sons out of the house on their 18th birthday!!! One son said to him , but dad what about college & he said well sorry about that boy, you are now on your own!!
@@RonSafreed You wonder why they even bothered to have kids SMH
@@KBackStitchThey didn’t choose to have kids. They just came. Not one of the four kids was planned. We were all kicked out. At 21 or even before. That was the legal majority age then. With not a cent even though they would get allowances for us. Thank God I had a scholarship. They enriched themselves later in life. We didn’t get any support even if they would have gotten tax reduction. They prefer paying tax to helping their children. We confronted them whenever they complained about the enormous amount of incomextax they that to pay. It was not complaining, it was just showing of.
Is this why I hide everything from them? Everything I did was a problem.
I do this too hmm
I was terrified to introduce my husband to my dad when we were dating. I literally took him on a camping trip with the rest of my extended family first.
@@writer_jane4912 I just eloped, they never met him.
I had experienced this exact thing and often wondered about it - like why do I do that? - and then I was labled the liar for keeping things hidden. Eventually I started to believe I was a liar and just started lying about things that didn't even require dishonesty. Anyone else? Maybe it's the shame? I know I felt guilty for doing it.
I hid my interests because if they were discovered, they would become a tool for manipulation. This eventually led to a complete lack of interest in anything, which is very bad when you become an adult. Having an interest in something leads to goals, and goals lead to success in both personal and professional life. Another interesting side effect is that at age 43 I have never taken a vacation, not even a long weekend trip. I do not even know what you are supposed to do on a holiday. When I am at home, I tend to disappear into my room. This is a default behavior of, out of sight out of mind, that I still have. The best part about this is that it's my house, I bought the dang thing; the entire house should be my safe zone, but I still retreat to one room.
I’m learning so much from these videos. Growing up with my mum was a nightmare. I remember coming back from school one day, she answered the door with tears in her eyes. So I went into panic mode. She said come in I’ve got something to tell you. So then I really started to panic. She sat me down in the living room and told me my dad was dead. She knew I idolised my dad (he didn’t live with us). I immediately broke down. She then stood up and said, just testing you. And walked out of the living room. I was about 12 or 13. I just sat there in my school blazer, shirt, tie and trousers sobbing. The thing my mum done to me we’re evil.
That is so cruel and brutal of her! My blood is boiling! I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
@@DawnClephane Yes pretty bad but there’s always someone who’s been through worse. I just don’t know why people would treat children like that. I’m grateful to my dad. He was the polar opposite. Everyone loved him. I often think my mum was jealous of my close relationship with my dad. But my mum done some pretty bad things to me. She’s also a master manipulator, except with me. I see right through her. We haven’t spoken for six years as she hates me being around. She knows I can read her like a book. I’ve met a handful of people in my life like her. They all share common core traits. Though my mum comes top still.
Wow 😢😢
Your right! So evil. Sorry that awful thing happened to you.❤
@@sprre3899 ok look here sprre3899, do not invalidate her emotional experience by comparing it to someone else’s experience- that’s what you did in the first line of your comment. That was her experience and her own trauma, period.
I twisted myself into a pretzel in order to be the daughter they wanted. Nothing could fix this short of running away.
The daughter she wanted was unachievable because part of her identity was having a disappointing child. She needed the sympathy that resulted. A big fan of the show “Cheers,” not realizing she was forcing me into the roll of Cliff Claven: middle aged, living with mother, not able to do anything except work and sit at home watching tv with her. He escaped to the bar in spite of mother’s disapproval.
I should have run away. It would have been difficult, not the impossible that I already had.
@@silverlagomorpha3177thank you for that comment. Eye opening. I wish you well.
It is difficult.. No where near as difficult as staying.
It´s like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Nothing will ever be enough.
As my mother would remind me. 'Your happiness is not important, other peoples happiness is more important then yours. You are not important, other people are more important then you. You will at all time respect other people, but there respect you will have to earn.'
Wow, this cannot be
Moral of this message is to become spiritually resilient instead of trying to change the narc
Become stoic and unshakable and this will get you further along your path regardless of the challenges you face and the difficult people you encounter
Yes this is what I've found to be true
As a child & an adolescent I was not allowed to think for myself. I had to hear & obey all of my family members. My thoughts were considered stupid. It was hard for me to think my real thoughts instead of what I thought ppl wanted me to think. I'm so Grateful that GOD gave me his mind & his heart. Thank u so much Sir for all of your help. GOD Bless u 🙏🙏🙏
The problem I had was that my mother was genuinely hurt when I tried to resist her. This made me feel awful, upset and guilty. Even with therapy, I found hurting her, hurt me, cos of my conscience and conditioning...
Mine refused to let us bring any friend over to the house. And really discouraged any friendships anyway.
A huge narcissist trait - they don't want you to have friends. They select the ones you can have. Checking to see what's in it for them first. Like the kids parents being potential flying monkeys.
My mother was similar. She would immediately introduce any friends I brought over to the "Let's all bully Dawn" game that my family so enjoyed. She eased them into it the same way she had my father and brother - by pretending she was speaking up for them, even if she was overly harsh with me in the process. For instance, I had a friend over when my mother asked, "Who wants potato chips?" while pouring them from a bag into a bowl. Both me and my friend took one, so my mom spanked me and shouted, "Save some for your friend!" My friend looked surprised, but then she laughed and said "Yeah Dawn!" while chowing down on the chips I'd just discovered I was not allowed to eat. I'm afraid far too many elementary school kids are surprised when they visit a fiend's house and discover that child's mother wants them to help her bully the child whose house they are in. Most of them jumped in with both feet and enjoyed it, which had the result my mother hoped for that I stopped inviting them over to play, but I did manage to find a few true empathic friends who stopped visiting my house and only invited me over to theirs for some egalitarian play time.
My Nmother absolutely adored her sister while she was going through a messy divorce. Once she reconciled with her husband through concerted mutual effort (which is HUGE), that love suddenly went away 🙄 They just can’t stand joy.
My mother's family seem to be misery addicts. Of course everybody else was labeled a narcissist.
A person I used to consider a friend supported another woman ardently while she was ending her marriage, until she actually moved out. Then she dropped her... And began trying to destroy my marriage by telling me how good I was and how useless my husband was and she had seen him idling somewhere while I was doing errands etc etc..
They just love drama, as long as they have a leading part in it.... (Luckily, by that time I was seeing through her and did not fall for it)
they can't stand joy. Nailed it.
I'm so grateful to have found your channel Mr Wise. My father - who I have always loved more than my mother, just passed away. I am still trying to write his eulogy. My beautiful sister (who protected me from my mother as much as she could) also passed away just 4 mnths earlier. I still love my mother, very much, but I don't like her at all, Iam stuck looking after her, at the cost of my own health and sanity. I'm being too nice because I am still in chains. Bad things began on my 5th birthday. My sister was always my protector, just before she died she told me things I'd guessed at about my mother but didn't actually know. I'll stop here. This is not quite the right time/place to try to pour everything out. I have so little energy and so much I must get done and my leukaemia is really starting to take a much bigger toll on me. No doubt the stress hasn't helped. So, yes, I'll stop here. I need food but have to wait to go into the kitchen or I'll wake mum up. Peace and love❤
Mine did everything in their power to prevent me from educating myself and having healthy friendships. They strongly encouraged unhealthy abusive relationships.
🎯 Yep, my mother encouraged and even excepted a boyfriend I was with that went to jail! He proposed she said nothing, but paid for every phone call he made and then some smh. Soon as my kid dad came around and proposed she was jealous and against it smh sad mfs
@@bella_bella85 same here. My narc mother would forbid friendships, but served me in a plate to a very trouble mind guy who almost destroyed my life
Years later she would get furious when I was dating another guy, one that I really liked and wasn't dangerous for me. Even kicked him out of our house one day and didn't allowed the relationship (I was 25 at the time, but she treated me as a teenager)
@@siriasouza5264 Smh smh, tht same inmate she was gladly accepting was the same one tht gave me an STD, (I was 19 a got damn baby, like can u hop in and parent?!!) when I threatened to leave him alone he told me he would mess up my face so no one else would want me.... 😳 But thts wth they want us with 😳
I have a hard time thinking of my adoptive mum as a narc, but some of these sounds familiar. Some guy I used to see (I fancied him, but we never dated), I stopped hanging out with after I finally realised he wasn't a nice person - mum got mad about that because I was 'hurting his feelings,' in spite of the fact I told her he'd once turned his TV up so loud we couldn't talk and turned his back to me (plus other stuff she didn't know about, like trying to force me on our usual evening walk around town after I'd twisted my ankle earlier that week...).
Similar with my last ex- she got angry I split with him.
But me getting dumped? Even if it was devastating to me, it was a non-event for her. I didn't "enjoy" splitting up with anyone, but sometimes it's necessary and fairer on both people in the long run than staying together would be.
Also my female friends were 'leading me astray' if I made decisions (by myself) she didn't like.
Having friends. Making good grades. Having an ambition for a good life. They refuse to discuss your future. Others: Ignoring your talents. Denying you opportunities. Lying about you. Destroying relationships with siblings. Destroying relationships with extended family. Telling you you're ugly, when in fact you're beautiful. Refusing to help you celebrate milestones. Being delighted when you're depressed. Savage: induced conversation. Playing favorites. The list seems endless... it's a total description of my childhood.
The narc is now 99. Sometime soon, her situation will suddenly change. Then her flying monkeys can bury her. I'll know where her grave is. Maybe I'll pay a visit, bringing a little bottle of golden liquid with me... 💀
Her reward is waiting for her on the other side. Just keep moving forward.
I went to her grave with a lot to say. But when I sat down, I realized I was finally free. Not one thing I came to say even mattered anymore. It was a futile moment. So I sat in the silence a while… long enough to absorb how futile it actually was. I have never been back because my grief wasn’t about losing her… it was about losing all those years I might have been something more, and if I couldn’t be that around her in life, I was not going to become that by sitting around her grassy knoll.
And no, she would not have been proud of me to learn who and/or what I finally became, but I am.
Let it go, my friend. Time is short.
I look at the work l have had to put into my life to learn some even some of the most basic things one needs to know to get by in life
This is so true
With respect ugly is a child's insult!
Never knew "Self-Differentiation" was even a possibility at 59. I'm learning, Thank u 💓
You're so welcome!
I was forbidden 🚫 from doing anything my way. I was literally told which outfit to wear and how to wear my hair in order to project a certain image. It was control beyond belief. These videos are very eye-opening. I’ve been through my healing process, but am just now understanding why my parents acted the way they did.
Play. They forbid play.
My father, my 3 year old daughters only grandfather, wouldn't let her play with toys in the living room while everybody watched tv. His excuse was "people are about to come over" but actually they were coming in 6 hours. He moved all the toys to the screened in porch with concrete floor and said I could take her out there to play. It was Thanksgiving and cold.
Monster grandpa
It's always about the control and what they are doing
If they lose control they will become really weird.
@davidlangley1844 When they get told no you would think the sky has come crashing down when they act like spoilt children because they can't have their own way!
They had done this with me and I had said the answers no and that's the end of it and I never backed down either!
According to my mother my depression as a teenager was something I was "doing to" her. It didn't seem to occur to her that my depression might be something to do with the fact that she was beating me unconscious regularly. Let alone the absolute absence of any love or affection, or attention other than yelling verbal abuse at me on a daily basis.
What a terrible childhood experience. Makes my dad look like a teddy bear
Apparently I was "selfish" for being suicidal at the age of 8 because the narc grandmother, the evil overlady of our family, was abusing me every time she was supposed to be watching over me, my brother and cousins, so nothing bad would happen to us before the parents come home from their workplaces.
Releasing us into the wilderness would be safer.
I was told I just needed knew friends. Later I took several bottles of prescription pills and it make me really sick instead of the original intention. She told me to get over it in a whiny voice
Oh my god, I can’t even tell you how much I relate. I remember once she sat in on one of my therapy sessions, and she completely took over the entire session. I barely said anything and the therapist noticed, and tried to engage with me, but I was frustrated and stressed so I didn’t really say much. We went to the grocery store afterward and my mom stopped me in the middle of an aisle and said, “I wanna know why you’re being SO HOSTILE to me.” She was relentless, I started crying but she just wouldn’t stop guilting me and digging into me… that kind of public humiliation was a pretty regular thing when I was growing up. But the smallest hint of being unhappy with how we were being treated was perceived as a vicious attack on her as a mother.
It was like I was a criminal.. it reflected on her well being not my own.
How about "you have no right to get married. Your responsibility is to take care of me."
They say men are terrible, men are bad, will treat you bad etc etc 🙄
Or, conversely, "Let me try to sell you off because I hate you so much. Oh, by the way, here's all the reasons your future spouse should hate you too." Some parents are just flat out loosers, period.
Keep them away from anyone and anything you love. They hate to see you happy.
This!!! 💯 narc dad and brother
Stop I'm going to pee my pants! Mom offered me a low salary job where she used to work which meant leaving my house, husband who pays for it all and leaving my adult kids and wildlife sanctuary I created, nah!
I understand my father a lot better now. He called the things you call "toxicity", "parenting".
By their behavior, they DEMONSTRATED that they hated us. BECAUSE even when we knocked ourselves out trying to comply, they invariably changed the rules and goals.
And then, you are useless since you refuse to make the slightest effort.
Yes, they never actually want you to meet the expectations they set out for you. They want you to miss them and are disappointed when you meet them, that's why they constantly shift the goalposts. In reality, they want your failure so that they have another reason to criticize you.
Sounds like our government in the US...
Reminds me of being 13 and going to my first concert. She wasn't happy, almost in full psycho mode but if I did the dishes I could go. 2 minutes after finishing she's beyond psycho mode. She found a spoon behind the dish rack. I don't think she actually found the spoon, I think she just grabbed one so that she can let her demon out. Always changing the rules.
Both of my parents were like this. I eventually learned to avoid sharing anything that was negitive or might upset them, because to do so would be to open life-long hazing about how wrong my life was, how badly I mis-managed my situation, etc. After a while, it was as though I could not "share" anything for fear that it would always be used against me. I actually feel better about myself because I don't share with people who can metaphorically stab me in the back.
Yes, and not only not sharing anything, but also not bringing up a topic that will trigger them. Even not ever starting a conversation, because I have no idea what mood they're in. Only talking to them if they start the conversation and it's about something neutral.
Jerry you described my nMom to the letter. Perhaps the most disgusting thing i have ever heard from my nMom was, "You don't need a girlfriend or a wife, Im all the woman you need." What made this worse is extended family co-signed on it in addition to destroying most of my relationships. It disgust me to even comment about this 🤮 .
Thank you Jerry for this platform which opened my eyes to things that i thought it was normal but it wasnt.
I've a wonderful daughter in law, when my son was little I'd say "Bring me someone good, I'm not going through all this crap for nothing" and he did! He was a royal pain refusing to study but now I remind him he did listen sometimes!
The worst part is the way extended family co-signs onto that. Professionals urge you to "get support!" but it's really hard to figure out who to turn to when literally all you have around you are "crabs in the barrel" enablers
And we * don’t know * it’s not normal because we’ve never been told, raised, or supported to believe anything different.
I went through much the same (my mom flirted with every boy or man I brought home; my father forbade them to call the house and then said he didn’t have enough to contribute to paying for a wedding while flashing his Beamer and his black card on a full professor’s salary). Hugs. ♥
I'm sorry that happened to you. Your mom should have never said that to you. It's sick. My mother raised me pounding the idea into my head that "marriage and kids are miserable". She told me she would not ever help me with a wedding if I got married. Always had something negative to say if I were to try to have a relationship with a man. She didn't want me to leave her because then who would she get supply from? I moved to Florida when I was 19 to get away from her and guess what? Yep, she decided she wanted to live in Florida too. 🙄😪 She ruined every relationship I ever had and now here I am, 50, single and no kids...exactly what she wanted. Hope your happy mom.
As I was reafding your story, It was actually the story of my life. I am so furios! The extended family....they were part and parcel part of the creation of my downfall.
I can really relate to the disgust you feel. I think your natural reaction of feeling disgusted is a very healthy one!
FIRST! Nah but for real, thank you so much for your work, Jerry. I think I can speak for thousands when I say that your videos are highly validating, and therefore healing, after so many years of gaslighting. 😄
My birth mother used to tell me "you're autistic, that means your brainis broken and you can't think correctly!" after I told her I got bullied by other kids for having Autism. Disgusting!
Feeling like property is exactly how i described my mother
I’ve said that the theme of my childhood was “You’re not allowed”. Not allowed to be proud of my accomplishments, not allowed to be friends with the kids across the street because they’re a little too young, not allowed to spend the night with friends because I didn’t ask permission on time, not allowed to stay out with my boyfriend last 11:00 pm, not allowed to get married before I’m 25. All with an undercurrent of I’m a bitch if I dare push back, and selfish for wanting to. Thank you Jerry for making this specific video on this particular evil that has been the driving force of so much misery in my life. You make it so clear to understand.
Same with myself!
Enmeshed looks close on the outside but suffocating on the inside
Bingo!!
It's an easy and convincing term when projecting their own toxic relationship on to you for being that healthly attached dotting mother. They accuse you of being what they are. Their detached demeanor is deceiving, psychologically they are enmeshed with their children (their possessions) and with the help of their narc mother, they can be quite successful in ridding you from your children's life. Narcissists breeds Narcissists. His mother was/is enmeshed with him. The signs were there.
Oh yes, everyone thinks we have such a close, loving family.
My mother didn't want me to get a job because who would help her if I was busy with my own job? She didn't want me to go to university and the three years I was there pretended I wasn't and never mentioned it or asked me how it was going. She didn't want me to go travelling and has never asked me or shown any curiosity or interest in the 2 years I spent in South Korea. She hates that I am doing well in life and if I dare to sound at all happy with my life she reacts with a sarcastic comment like "oh well at least YOUR life is okay.. " I feel like screaming what more do you want from me?? I already sacrificed my entire childhood to you!
Hey when you told your mother you applied for a job what was her reaction like? Might be going through something similar with my birth mother? I’m still trying to gauge the situation. My boyfriend is going to help get me out of this chaotic life altering personality living situation I’ve found myself in.
I'm 53 and somehow seem to have self-differentiated in spite of my narcissistic parents and older sibling. I said a prayer that God would not allow me to grow into my mother...It worked. I am an empath...and for my own sake have had to go low contact these past three years. My parents are in ill health now and it makes me angry when people tell me ,"You'll miss them when they're gone..." and they have no idea what kind of monsters my parents really are. I just want to scream, "I WONT MISS THEM!' I will finally be free. I don't wish them harm, but I won't grieve. This is the first time I've reached out to anyone. Thanks for the safe space to vent. I needed to get this off my chest. Peace.
I'm with you 💯 % with what others say. I am always hearing...oh you're so lucky to still have your parent's. My father is the malignant narcissist. I want to SCREAM too and say, no it's a curse.
I said a prayer too, and it worked❤️🙏🏿
Peace to you and I know your story. Blessings and blessings upon your entire well being. Love and Light and Truth
I was SO GLAD when notified that mom had died. I finally felt safe. That was in 2007.
In early 2024 I found that pop died in 2010. I had a cup of tea to celebrate.
It should not be this way. But it is. It's nice that others have had better experiences. Their truth is not mine. I will not argue or try to explain. I drop it, and leave if they don't stop. Simpler said than done, but it gets easier.
I am right there with you, my mother resented my marriage and my father called her crazy to me in private but never stopped her, or kept me from her telling me how strong I was for doing my best. My dad died and she went from covert narcissism to completely narcissistic and loving it. She DARVO methods all the time and began recently referring to my daughter as my mini me…is that supposed to be mean😂
It's sad that it always has been this way, the old kill the young or drive them to the point they do it themselves
For people who HATE their children, it is ironic that we are not allowed to be an individual.
i always wondered, before i learned about narcissism "if mummy is so fucking mean to me and emotionally neglectful of me, then why the hell does she always freak out when i'm not around/off being myself somewhere, and try to manipulate me into coming back????" narcissistic psycho shit was the answer.
@@こなた-m1o Ditto. I NEVER understood my psycho batshit mother. Glad I disowned her years ago. Sorry you went thru the same as I did. (And excuse my language).
- 00:44 🌱 Self-differentiation is the process of becoming and owning your true self without absorbing the negativity or problems of others.
- 01:45 😡 Narcissistic parents oppose self-differentiation as it challenges their control over the child’s identity and emotions.
- 02:40 🛡️ Narcissistic parents forbid inner boundaries, making emotional detachment a critical tool for self-protection.
- 03:36 😤 Detachment can lead to rage from narcissistic parents, as it shows they no longer control your emotional reactions.
- 04:32 🚫 Narcissistic parents prevent healthy relationships with them, viewing mature adult interactions as a threat to their authority.
- 05:55 💖 Narcissistic parents see self-love as selfish or self-centered, often using religious or moral guilt to suppress it.
- 06:51 🧘♂️ Non-reactivity frustrates narcissistic parents as it disrupts their ability to manipulate emotional responses.
- 08:39 🔄 Expect resistance when practicing self-differentiation, as it disrupts the emotional balance in the family system.
- 09:57 ⚠️ If tolerance and cordiality do not improve with a narcissistic parent, consider reducing or cutting contact.
- 10:38 🎯 Work on self-differentiation by staying mature, calm, and not absorbing the parent’s negativity.
- 11:08 🚪 Continuously remind yourself: "They are not me, and I am not them" to break emotional enmeshment with narcissistic parents.
Thanks!
Amen!
Thank you. I'm autistic w/ an auditory processing disorder, & this is very helpful.
Thank you 🤗🤗
I wish I would have ran away from home at 16
Same. But I loved my normal Dad and knew his life would be hell once I left. When I did move out, his life indeed was made hell by my narc mom but I phoned him almost every day and I treasure those calls.
I did. But it still was hard and i had to go back for awhile.....she treated me like a child again after I was divorced.
I did. Best decision ever. I had to go back for my senior year of HS. Then I left for college on a full scholarship across the country. Mom actually hid my admissions paperwork! Years later my Dad apologized for being her enforcer and acknowledged that I had been right about her ridiculousness all along.
Yes!
Same but I had no money
They suck the life out of you!
They deny you basic socialization and do not teach you skill sets needed to be independent.
I had my books taken away and was forced to sit in the living room and socialize. I could only take a shower and wash my hair once a week. Not allowed to wear mascara or lipstick or get my ears pierced until a certain age. I was a gifted child my parents had no idea what to do with me but I was badly abused.
I was a gifted child with a very high IQ. Consequently, I was bored to death in school (until university) with the constant repetition of everything. I didn't learn from my mother until I was well into adult life that my school had held a meeting with my parents and wanted to let me skip a grade. My mother refused, on the grounds that she didn't want me to "get a fat head" and think that I was better than anyone. That hurt. She KNEW how much I hated school and needed to be challenged more. I later made it a point to enroll in a university far from home. It was great.
Both my parents were narcissist. I didn't shed one tear for either when they died. I felt only an overwhelming sense of relief.
Same here.
I am so amazed how many of us are going to be and were happy to see them die! How sad is that!! My main goal in raising my child was for him not to seek out these Videos and discuss his horrible childhood with his friends like I do
A light bulb went off when listening to this.
You mentioned absorbing. One thing I’m trying to unpack and work through as an adult is how my mother dumped all of her emotional baggage onto me my entire life even as a child.
I grew depressed and sad every time she’d do this because I could feel myself taking on those burdens. To this day I still remember my mother talking about my parents divorce and what went on in the court (I was around 8-9) my moms sex life, worried about where we would find a place to live, all of the drama of family arguing, her entire past and mistreatment she endured etc.
I took on much of those feelings and garbage. But, I’m learning to purge and let it go. It’s no longer mine and I don’t have to carry it anymore.
If I did any push back, I was being "disrespectful" in her eyes and my sibling's eyes. I really struggled over the years on how to deal with the "honor your father and mother" because it would end up being "run over" if you didn't let them say or do whatever.
‘Play with your sister and brother. You don’t need any friends’.
Exactly this! "You don't need to go out with your friends, you can hang out with your sister." For whatever reason, my sisters didn't get this. You'd think that a parent would be happy that their friendless child was managing to make friends for once and actually getting invited to something. Even a solitary soul needs a friend or two.
😂😂😂 they want you to frolic with their flying monkeys!
My mom would tell me this all the time growing up. She was so suffocating. I recently cut off most of my friends and my parents almost looked like they wanted to celebrate. They weren’t the types of friends I didn’t want around anymore either, don’t get me wrong because they were toxic too. However, after sometime now I see why my narc parents were so happy. In their twisted view they had me all to themselves again. Such BS
@@Chrysaetos3 If you have NParents and NSiblings, you as the non-N who sees this will be made responsible for the NSiblings' happiness and be on 24hour call for whatever the NParent or NSibling wants.
I went no contact with my parents over a year ago. I still feel guilty about it. Often i think "well it wasn't that bad really" or even still blame myself.
This list that you gave.. my mother ticks of several of those. It was bad, it was bad enough that i went no contact because she will not change. Thank you for this. When i have a hard time it's good to see that i'm not crazy and i should not be treated the way i was.
That’s normal. You’ll start feeling better as you heal and self-differentiate. I’m still 4 years in, and the change/growth is slow & steady at times, but it’s change and growth nonetheless.
I did that. Then the guilt was too much because they are in their 80's that I broke down and went to see them. Of course, it was all me and they did absolutely nothing wrong. So, then I ventured into low contact. Well, that's not working out either. I went the other day, with one of my children. I do that because usually it's safe. They won't criticize me and go off on me when my children are with me. They broke that on Sunday. Totally went off on me, even at one point yelling at me to shut up and that they provided for me. Which I guess means I owe them. They are mad that I set boundaries with my sisters. And I guess now with them. My daughter, for the first time ever, witnessed their behavior towards me. The real them. She felt sad for me. I felt sad for her. They totally tried to gaslight her like they are the good guys too. So, I'm back to no contact again. And utterly heartbroken about it. And I sent a message to my mother letting her know to not expect me to show up, if ever again. They won't respond because that's how my family handles things. Ignores it and pretends like it never happened. And according to them, 'stop living in the past'. Essentially, allow the abusive tactics to continue because that's just how they are. But it's extremely abusive towards oneself to keep going back to the behavior. There will never be any healing by doing that.
I went no contact at age 58. I should have done it at 18. Yes, I have waves of guilt( I’m selfish, etc). But as years pass, the waves turn to mere ripples.
@SJ-km4db almost exactly the same story here....
And they had a rage in front of my wonderful grown up son...
He was horrified as I'd tried to protect the grandkids...
But they have now exposed themselves but are now lying & gaslighting about what actually happened
finally no contact for good this time....
They've used up too much of my good, empathetic nature.
It's them not us!
@@bevkaveri3916 I thought I could hold out until they passed away. Knowing that I would eventually stop talking to my sisters once they were both gone. But I usually felt worse about myself after a visit because of the constant criticism. I could do nothing right. After an episode with my husband and them once again siding with my older sister instead of staying out of it, it just became too much. And I know they expected me to side with them and can not see their fault in it. They don't like my husband anyways. No surprise there. But I'm completely heartbroken. My daughter has something coming up and I asked her if she wanted to invite them. She said only if they apologize to me. I told her, it won't happen. They will never apologize because they don't believe they did anything wrong. Her view about them has changed considerably. She graduates high school this year. It will be up to her to invite them. It's sad all around. I always did my best to make sure my kids didn't see they way they could be.
I don't like allowing the deliberately destructive narcissist to rest comfortably in their lies, so when I hear their projection, I often reply with, "That's you, not me."
Then I simply left, without another word.
Dear Jerry, how perfect the match today. I was waking back from the store to my place and Had the Realization, the feeling in the body, that I was not Allowed to Have boundaries in my own body, in my Own energy field. All the horrible things that happened to me, because of such Basic thing. IN SA NE.
Never stop sharing dear, may lots of energy and strength be with you. You are saving lives.
Love from Perú 🙌🏼💪🏼
I am the 53 year old daughter of a narcissistic mother. This video describes perfectly by experiences from childhood to now.
As the adult (60) daughter of a narc mom, I can relate to everything you talk about. Between you and Dr. Ramani, I am finally aware and healing from a lifetime of abuse. It explains so much about the childhood nervous habits I used to have, and why a dear friend of mine used to call me a little co-dependent. Thank you for all you do.
As a victim of a narcissistic dad, I wonder how is it possible that these people are copy paste of each other. In all cultures, countries if a person has narcissistic disorder, they behave the same. How is that possible?
All made in the same faulty factory. I hope things are better for you now, btw.
It's a spiritual issue so it cuts across all cultural lines, but at least it makes them easier to recognize so you can act accordingly.
@@Groundwater24 much better due to “no contact” in the last two years. Thanks
@@watcheroftheskies805 its easier to recognise only if you have some knowledge about narcissism. Otherwise I would say only “another sick person”
T1000 line is working.
Wow, you just defined my childhood, adolescence and into adulthood! I’m much older now, and my mother is gone to her “reward”, but I will always be healing from the experience. I have lived my own life my way for many years, but I don’t think healing is ever a done thing, because the narcissist parent(s) drilled their toxic lessons so deep into your psyche for so many years that we have to keep on purging it and continuously getting better for the rest of our lives.
As someone who is completely blind, on the autism spectrum and has CPTSD, my narcissistic stepmom would forbid me from using accommodations that I truly needed and the accommodations that truly benefit me. I had to fit in with the rest of society’s norms and rules. Loving myself for who I am was also not allowed. I work each and every day to heal and accept myself and not mask mainly my emotions and my CPTSD and the things that benefit my blindness. I don’t mask my autism that much because I feel like I have overcame that in many ways.
Going through similar things over here. I'm with you.
Very admirable. I’m sorry you went through this. You deserved a home with a family that honored and respected and valued your uniqueness.
@@LindsayLoo-q5d I am now living with my biological mom. Who loves me unconditionally. She also accepts me for who I am. And she also understands my blindness, autism, and CPTSD. I also have a husband who is completely blind and autistic. And he loves me and accepts me for who I am. He also understands my CPTSD
In my experience, they will be very explicit in making exactly these kinds of ridiculous demands, just once they have one alone so that there are no other witnesses. Because, as well as abusive bullies, they are also cowards who fully understand that other people, such as one's spouse, would be abhorred if they saw them unmasked.
My parents know that my husband will stand up for me. Because he did when my older sister physically attacked me. They were so pissed off that I told him what happened. Because he ended up calling my brother in law to discuss it. Both brother in laws stayed out of it. Despite the fact that it happened at another sister's house. Where the one that attacked me was driven there by her husband and he dropped her off and left!!! My parents response was why did I tell my husband. It was 'between the sisters' Gutless, all of them. So, they would criticize or go off on me without my children or husband around. Only, this past weekend, they broke that code and totally went off on me in front of my child. My mother saying, what if I said all that you did when you were a teenager, but I won't because my daughter was there. Essentially, saying I was a horrible person when I wasn't. I obeyed until I was in my 20's and had enough. She gave my daughter the impression that I did some horrific things. And when I defended myself, my mother told me to shut up more than once. They broke the rule of trying to be well behaved in front of my kids. Never again will I allow them to disrespect me like that in front of my children. My husband is on the brink to tell them off. But I told him, I will handle it for right now. However, should he ever be in the same area as him, I won't hold him back from saying something. It's why they hate him though. Because there ONE person in my life that will stick up for me. And it's neither of my siblings.
I wasn't allowed to date- even at age 30 or look at bridal magazines I had to sneak them while caring for my narc bio mother. I wasn't allowed to drink coffee even as an adult, take aspirin even during the most painful cramps growing up. I was relieved when she finally passed away age 70 in 2016
Mines is 69 and it's ridiculous! I always say tht she's going to have a funeral w/no one there... I KNOW you're at peace. 💜
In 2006 was informed that my mom had died, in another state than I thought she lived in. My main feeling was simply relief. I was finally safe.
In early 2024 I found that the old man had died in early 2010. Yay some more.
Some people say NO contact isn't good. I say that THEY broke the family contract. All I did, was survive. Which enraged them, but not a problem at 1,000 miles away. Never easy, it's been incredibly difficult. But easier than living in their insanity. I survived. Which is something people should not have to say about "family." But it is true.
u were an adult, your mother could not have stopped you from drinking coffee or finding a relationship, that was a choice you made - to obey, and that's on you. Why didn't you move out and stand on your own feet, sounds like you chose to remain in the family home Take some responsibility for your own actions, having a narc parent is horrible but it doesn't excuse you from any responsibility for the choices you made.
As trauma informed, let me leave this lawful and humane statement. Being an adult chronologically, your gender, ethnicity, etc has no more protection than a restraining order, drivers license, insurance or even the keys to your home or car. Its a flagged alert or memo at best. Its not deployment of or access to freedoms. Exploitation from child to seniors exist. It not that easy or more accurate NOT SAFE. Thats why theres crimes, statues, jail, adult custody, etc. There's a thing of criminal psychological abuse and restraint of a person & felonious if against a vulnerable person. A person who qualifies under your adult clause. Theres spiritual, mental, financial and physical criminal acts. Grooming and cohersion, Stockholm, etc all landing into more physical disability and deteriorating. Punishable by imprisonment and civil liability. Such dismissive incomplete, subjective & narrow attitudes paralyze you. Its in the mind of all survivors mostly anyway. Its heightened for those dealt to narcissists.
Allstate doesn't give you permission to drive away from impact because you have a freedom pass in hand/glovebox. You are still on a highway at the moment of another.
Insured or not, impact is life changing & ending. You can stay parked, or access the highway. For some, the option of staying parked, isn't an option. In narcissists web, not only do you rarely get to drive, they are driving with safety years and pedals in the passenger seat like a driving coach except you are always the passenger but because you're in the driver seat they make sure you are the blame for whatever impact That's a real conundrum and true cause of anxiety and triggered pathological effect.
So no you can't just leave. No "this too won't pass" so easily.
Our society back from even enslavement has validated all stated here. Walking around with freedom papers so to speak, insurance, adult identification etc. will never cheat the opportunity of oppression by another.
Be mindful to not accidentally discount the encouragement of anothers hope forward. They're not suffering because they lack anything. Thanks
@@RiverGirl-u8hchildhood trauma changes the way your brain develops. It’s harder than you make it sound. MFG. I came home from my first date. It was a day-date. Broad daylight to an amusement park. I had asked permission and was told no. I decided that at my age, I didn’t need permission and went anyway. I came home to someone sitting alone, in a chair, no tv, no book, no phone. Waiting for me. I got a very angry lecture about my disobedience, the stress I inflicted on her because of the dangers I subjected myself to. She talked about how worried and frightened I made her. I was told I WOULD NEVER DO THIS AGAIN, Holy crap. I was 19. My curfew was “when the streetlights come on.” She would actually come outside and take me by the arm and guide me back inside. I was two years older than I had been when she had last hired a babysitter for me. Really. It changes your brain. The responses are fight, flight, or freeze. It’s not a choice. Some of us freeze.
Their interpretation of things are so different to yours on so many levels.
Drama drama drama and your achievements squashed!
I genuinely used to believe that if I ever disagreed with my mother it was a sign of my immaturity and one day I would grow up and have all the same views on everything as her - that’s how much she put me down if I ever had a different opinion to her on anything
Sounds like my parents, sadly they are both gone now. It crippled me in being able be independant and feeling ok to do for myself. I never felt I had the right to be or do anything they disaproved of. I lost so many years of my life being what I thought they wanted I dont know who I am or what I want. Whenever I rebelled I always had hell to pay. Never physical, mind you, but it was the snide remarks, silent treatment, treated as if I wasnt even there, being talked over. If I interupted I was screamed at as if I had no right. So now I still feel this deep conflict, I can still hear them in my head. Funny thing is I still love them more now than I did then, I still miss them. How do you let go and move on? I was full of rage for years after my Mom passed, my Dad passed early this year and it was like my eyes were opened. Part of me thinks it was because they were afraid to lose me, could not let me go and be myself, imperfect but true to myself. Mabe it retarded my maturity, feeling that at 48 I still never grew up. Anger at myself for not being able to stand up to them, frustrated that whenever I had tried growing up it was somehow wrong. If that was wrong what was right? Now that I've gotten perspective, I know what I need to be doing but why do I feel so "locked up" about moving forward? To put it simply it's silly to inwardly feel like an awkward scared teenager facing the world, again. Im older than that, I shouldnt feel that way. It's embarrising, humilating. I dont entirely blame my parents, Equally Im at fault for not learning from it years ago. They did the best they could with what they each experienced growing up. I could just never see it, let alone accept it till lately.
I don't think you can be unaffected if you're a highly sensitive person
You learn to hide it well, even as a child (knowing nothing about narcissism) you learn to hide your emotions.
@@stolensilver6963 did you ever get swatted for saying something in the wrong tone
@@naturelover1284 I was never physically abused, I never stepped out of line, one look was enough to stop me in my tracks.
@@stolensilver6963 I hid it well, turned it inward, and got a massive hemorrhaging stomach ulcer.
A highly sensitive person is a result of childhood trauma. You need to reclaim your center and be an observer
My mother didn’t want me to get married or have children! And she expected complete obedience. It was like being raised in a cult. She was angry if we didn’t like what she liked, even food. Or Lawrence Welk 😂. I was lucky to have a great psychologist and finally got married and had a baby. Neither of my siblings had children. Im grateful that narcissism is better understood now. ❤
Thank you for the teachings i was married with a narcissistic man for a little over a decade...I am learning how to deal with this for the love I have for my daughter. But wow, how sad must be to be raised by a narcissistic parent. Thankfully I was raised by a wonderful Mother who respected me in all the ways.
Unfortunately she passed and my life became very difficult...
Telling my mom no with a little chuckle when she asked for a photo together at a recent family baby shower was super empowering for me. I haven't talked or texted her in over 3 years. I was shocked at her audacity. I'm pretty sure she figured I would say yes because my aunts were around, but I didn't care. Why would I take a photo with someone I literally cut off contact with?
My narc mom bought a house and 3 of her adult children live with her. This is strange. My sister who is 45, my 37 year old brother and my 31 year old brother. She loves it. She wants all of her children living with her. It’s weirdddddd. I’m 34, moved out at 18 for college and never moved back to my hometown. I never looked back because I saw the trap my mother mentally creates
What in hells angels..
@@coffeepot3123 I can’t make this stuff up
@@coffeepot3123 can’t make this stuff up
It's so hard to escape, especially when they sabotage everything from self worth and motivation to leave.
She is a tyrant bully & she programmed them to be this way when they were growing up!!
The narcissistic grown child also can impact their parent. Great info. It should help me deal more effectively with that situation with my son and his wife. Simply put I don’t have to allow them to abuse me and them be disrespectful.
I have watched 3 of your videos and I want to thank you…I finally not only know what the problem is in my marriage … I also understand 3 generations of my wife’s family…I thought I was going crazy
Wonderful!
What timing to see this. I went to visit my parents the other day with my oldest child. I went a full year of no contact, but the guilt got the best of me and I finally reached out. All of it was of course, my fault and they did nothing wrong. I then went low contact. It had been a little bit and decided to stop by for a visit for like an hour. Within 5 minutes, BOTH of my parents started in on me. One of my sisters moved and when my father mentioned it, I just shrugged. It set them off. My older sister stopped talking to me over a year ago for a stupid reason, once again, and I flat out told my parents that she will never not, not talk to me because I will never engage with her again. It was the last time she would pull that. Anyways, they went off about my husband, my child's father, threatened to tell of my behavior when I was young, over 30 years ago. Told me to shut up at one point. My daughter felt pulled into it and the cause of the rift. And after they were done and it was off their chest, thought I would hang around to chit chat. Well, needless to say, we left within 30 minutes of showing up. My mother didn't hear me say goodbye and was surprised and said something. But my oldest told her I said goodbye. I sent a message today, letting my mother know that I would not be showing up anytime soon. She would never disrespect me in front of my children again. Their behavior was disgusting and shameful and for the first time, their grandchild saw their behavior firsthand. I told her that I will defend myself and my husband, especially in front of our children. They broke the rule of decency when I was with my children and can no longer trust that they wouldn't do it again. I think I am finally done for good now. With my entire family. They think because they 'provided' for me that I owe them. Regardless that even at 54 years old, they criticize every decision I make. Continue to compare me, not just to others, but also to both of my siblings. And of course, coming up short against any of them. They are both in their 80's now. I thought I could deal with it until their deaths. But all it's done is put me in a deep depression. I hate going to visit and always made to feel worthless when I leave their house. My sanity is being affected by it. They will, of course, make sure that any monies will not come to me. And quite frankly, that's fine. It's not about the money. I make my own. They can't hold that over me because I don't care. It's conditional with them and I'm no longer interested in participating in their dysfunction. I KNOW they are pissed that I set a boundary with my sister(s). Because all I hear from them is, well you know how they are. And so, essentially, ignore what they do to me because it's family and it's how they are. But because I said I will not tolerate their abusive tactics anymore, it's my fault that the family doesn't all get together. "I live in the past and should move forward". I am moving forward by not allowing myself to be emotionally abused by my siblings over and over again. But they don't like that. And now, I'm moving forward from my parents emotionally abusing me. And yet, I'm completely heartbroken and sad. I will never be part of the family again and it greatly saddens me. But for my sake and that of my children, I can't continue to expose them to that behavior as normal. So, it will just be my immediate family and we will have to build a new way of doing things and changing the future.
And yet your sister went no contact with you. Maybe you're the narcissist and just don't see it?
@@youcanstickit My sister DID NOT go no contact me with a$$hole. I went no contact with her! And no, I'm am not narcissist. Because I have NEVER treated my sister in the same manner she has treated me. You have NO idea how she has been throughout my entire life and each time she ignores me for months, then she comes back to talk me, I accept it. This last time is THE LAST TIME she will ignore me. So, if putting up a boundary with my siblings and parents make a narcissist, so be it. For every person that points the finger at someone, there are 3 pointing back.
@@SJ-km4db lol, so f'king what if your sister doesn't always talk to you? Maybe she has a life and can't be at your beck and call? Grow up and get a life.
@@SJ-km4db❤
My mother went into a full on rage when she saw me look at her and raise one eyebrow at what she had said that was totally nuts to me . I was preteen at the time. She said not another word but came and slapped me so hard in the face that it knocked me down onto the floor . I learned to hide my dissociation from then on … I’m a great poker player .
Subscribed. These videos describe my father 100%. Wow.
This could apply to many narcissistic family relationships, adult children, in-laws, etc. I thank you for the info.
Good Sunday morning Jerry, you have been such a blessing ❤
When I was a kid I was frequency yelled at for breathing too loud.
I was told to stop doing nothing when I replied that that's what I was doing, her fun thing to say!
Breathing wrong, I was incapable of breathing without instruction from a semi literate idiot who thought humans had two different pipes in your throat and two different stomachs, one for solids and one for liquids. This instruction by an individual without knowledge of even basic human anatomy could go on for hours. The best part is we had two complete sets of encyclopaedias, the local library only had three. They were so arrogant and determined their stupidity was right they never bothered to look in those encyclopaedias once.
I had constant ear nose & throat infections growing up from narc moms chain smoking- I would get curtains of phlegm closing up my throat causing me to constantly clear it. Narc mother (who also did that) cruelly mocked me for doing it as a teenager. It wasn't till years later I found out I had a serious gastrointestinal issue that caused it. She was truly harmful to my health
Mine got mad at me for using the wrong size spoon to eat cereal.
Kicked and screamed at me for not placing my housekeys where she wanted me to.
Screamed at me for bringing home frozen tomatoes; gee, maybe expecting me to bring home ten bags of groceries in the middle of a blizzard is why the tomatoes froze?
No no, all my fault for not placing those in a pocket, never hers for thinking anybody with ten bags of groceries walking in a blizzard can manage that without items freezing!
Sorry to hear this guys.
May God heal you all.
Holy hell if this is isnt everything I have to deal with on a regular basis. Just being a person is offensive to my family and they ALL go out of their way to punish me for trying to do normal things like working, or trying to clean the house. They talk so much crap about me being around but make it impossible to move out. Anytime I try not to react or keep to myself they will pick fights and create issues just to drag me back into the mess.
Get the f*ck out of there no matter the cost to you right now!
Just pack up and leave even if you have to be homeless for a week or two.
You will feel much better right away!
I went no contact 30 years ago.
If you stay there or keep in contact after you leave it will kill you!
I’m in this exact situation right now. You’re not alone!
Make an exit plan. It doesn't have to be perfect, nor do you need to know all the details, just as long as you're moving toward a future that you want. You can figure out the details when you get there.
Thank you Jerry. I find your videos extremely informative and find myself nodding along to them. I am an only child to a narcissistic mother and a bully for a father. My father doesn’t want to hear what I have to say he just wants to vent and shout. Several years ago after much soul searching I went NC and contact is now limited to Christmas and Birthday cards for both parents, who separated many years ago. I don’t wish my parents any ill will but I have moved on with my life. I am happily married. Am content for the first time in years and I don’t have time for toxic people in my life. End of.
The word, No - forbidden. Any sign of anger - forbidden.
@lesliedunn985 Yes I had received many tellings off even as an adult for daring to tell them no or show anger!
This whole thing hits home hard. 😢
Exactly right! My parents and siblings had a sort of 'cult of personality' going on and because I didn't follow along I was abused and ostracised. I was 'constantly argumentative' because I had a different opinion on even trivial things. I refused to backstab and gossip, therefore I was nasty and self-important, or not being loyal! My brother and sister actively sabotaged my career, being in the same field, by spreading slander and abuse. It lead to a bad marriage with a narcissistic religious husband who fooled me into thinking that because he was religious he was a nice person. Once I had kids, my parents would use my kids to 'rebel against me' by letting my children do things that were not good for them, like letting my 3 yo son play 18+ violent computer games. Despite my protests, my ex-husband would insist we still visit them. He was abusive and controlling so I had no choice. I'm divorced now and my parents have passed away and it has taken decades of my life to be able to live in peace. My siblings try to carry on the family 'tradition' but are now outnumbered and my kids are too smart for their BS, thankfully.
My mother was damaged by narcissistic parents, and so became a cowardly one; my father was an abusive alcoholic. I never analyzed him enough to figure him out. My husband had narcissistic parents;m we were not great parents, but grew and are better parents and pretty good grandparents. We are supportive now, but can let go, which has to be the hardest part of having a family.I wish I had known all of this and known what to do for both of us long ago. (We may not even have gotten together had we been emotionally healthier.)
Right on time! Thank you for stopping me from making a very bad decision to renew contact with my narc mom who has had her 3rd stroke. That would replay the last stroke she had and she was very well set up with one of my sisters....the best one for this task. Last time I went to spend the day with Mom so my sister took a break resulting in Mom becoming addiment/rebelious to come home with me. "She's mine! She belongs to me!" was her rant and she went into a rage, forcing my sister to send her back home...under my care...and, again, she tried to take over my life. "You're mine! You belong to me!"she'd scream at me. NOT going to let that happen again.
Ah-ha! “If you don’t react then they will react “ and here we are…
I’m the scapegoat of my narcissistic family. Been learning about narcissism for a few years now, but have only recently found your channel and learned about self-differentiation.
I lived through everything you described as an only child of a single narcissistic mother and did not fully unmesh from her until I was in my 60’s. She passed away at 100 years old four years ago, and I am now totally free to be me and live my remaining years in peace. I wish I knew all you described when I was young. I had to figure it all out on my own. But, I got there in the end.
"Just make your mom happy". I was told that by my workaholic narc dad about my mentally unstable mother when I was eight and asking wtf about her behavior.
Thank you…this was my life with my family. This was the information I needed to hear today on my journey of healing. Couldn’t understand why the flying monkeys always wanted me to return (mom is the salt of the earth)…I feel truly vindicated in my decision to moving out of the country. Thank you again.
Terrific video! Very helpful. After sixty plus years, with the help of these lectures, I simply cut them off. It was very weird at first. I made sure I kept listening to lectures. That kept me strong. Now I look back and can't believe I didn't do it decades ago. Second best thing I did in life.
The best thing I did in life was leave the USA for good. It's angry, predatory, drugged, gluttonous, narcissistic, sociopathic, expensive... That was the best decision of my life!
Does three-year-old me shouting "Doesn't hurt! Doesn't hurt!" while my father is hitting me, count as non-reaction? I do hope so!
So painfully true.
This was exactly how my parents were to me. Took me to have a severe breakdown at 40 realizing all of this, and how much I hated who I had become because of it, to rebuild myself from nothing.
this is so true. god forbid you set healthy boundaries--it feels so wrong, like you're going to get in trouble because you're a bad person! god forbid you experience and express true joy--it feels like you'll be struck by lightning for not being miserable at best and blank at worst. god forbid you love yourself and live a happy life and catch yourself randomly smiling as you walk past a mirror--you must be doing something evil and wrong!
“…becoming and owning your true self.”
This happened for me at the age of 40, when I got myself a tattoo for my birthday, knowing full well the reaction I would get from my narcissist Mom. To me, that finally said, “This is MY body.” 😊👍
My parents hated my friends and couldn't stand that i married someone who they didnt approve of. Turns out they didnt actually care about my well being. It was about losing control of me
We were also deprived of any individual interests - had to have the same ones “the girls will have …..” at a restaurant. Plus same hobbies, if any.
Being close to a narc is a nightmare and extremely destructive against who you are as a human being 😊
Very true. Go no contact, you deserve better. Find people who appreciate and support you and don't settle for anything less.