Daniel, I hope you'll read this. I'm in awe about your insights in pretty much every video. I deeply feel the same. I wished so badly my caregivers, or many parents for that matter, would have had a fraction of your wisdom, love and empathy for their children and people around them. Thank you for your videos. They help me so much to heal the sociatal and parental gaslighting
About bullying, there's also the fact that bullies are all too often rewarded for their actions - they end up having a family and being respected while the bullied ones are traumatized and left behind by society. It's not even exactly a human thing - in all species, bullies can reap rewards and sometimes that's the primary focus of mate selection. Some bullies - especially the ones who aren't psychopathic - really do act out trauma though.
Absolutely! The boys will bully others in front of girls and the girls love it and want to date them. People would purposefully do this at the summer camp, school and on a college bus tour I went to. A young therapist guy slapped my butt in front of girls in order to look look like he was dominating and bullying me because he wanted them to like him. Girls literally get turned on when they see a guy bully another guy or two guys fight.
My golden child brother was extremely calm and agreeable as a child. I, the scapegoat of the family, was constantly "acting out". I think I might have been autistic, too, and with severe ADHD as I couldn't sit still, focus on one sentence in a book, and with time, as I was observing my parents' attitude towards me and unequal treatment of me and my brother I started to be more and more aggressive. Recently, I also thought a lot about an event which, considering regular abuse I experienced later in life, never occurred to me as extremely important or serious and I can't imagine why. When I was 2 years old my parents decided to send me to a medical centre situated in the mountains, far away from home, as I supposedly had pneumonia so severe that I had to be treated in a specialist facility. I have this picture in my head where my mother gives me a blanket, a lady I'm not familiar with holds my hand, and my parents are walking away to their car waving me goodbye. The thing I remember very clearly about this event is fear equal to that of dying, my heart in pieces, panic attack and pain of being abandoned. I was right to feel that way. My parents never visited me in that place, not once. I have no memory of 2 months I spent there and, God only knows what happened to me , as I was never the same afterwards. I was despised and unwanted by my parents so I acted accordingly. I was never calm or peaceful ever since; my life, until I was 19-20, was pain and pain alone. A therapist asked me when I first went out to seek help at 26 years old, if I could give an example of one event that would involve me and my parents and that I'd consider a happy one. I spent 10 minutes but couldn't recall one such moment. She told me that normally the brain remembers good things but tries to erase bad memories so it's unusual that I don't have ANY good memory that would involve my parents. She said that I might not remember much of my childhood but it must have been a very dark one. That woman helped me understand my position in a family system and, even though it was 22 years ago and Poland was a lot different than the US back than, she was the only person to advise me to go 'no contact' to save myself. She also spent first two hours with me free of charge. I left Poland soon afterwards and have never seen her again, but I'm pretty sure she saved many women. Thank you, Daniel for all you do.
Gosh that whole story is heartbreaking. I hope you're in a better place now. That's great that you started seeking help, and at a fairly young age. Some traumatized people never work on themselves or get help for some reason. My last boyfriend said he couldn't remember his childhood; he only knew he experienced trauma. I thought he was exaggerating at first, but he stuck with this statement throughout our two year relationship and never had any stories from childhood. He would get really quiet any time I had a problem with him and had a hard time with my anger even though I never yelled or got disrespectful. Unfortunately I needed more communication than he was willing to engage in and it led to us breaking up.
@@AgeismGoesBothWays people with CPTSD have no memories, they have symptoms. I don't remember most of the first 19 years of my life. It's a survival mechanism which developed to protect the brain from a complete shut down. Your ex-boyfriend was not capable of giving you what he didn't have, and men are much less willing to face their pain and work on it because everybody expects them to be strong. It's taken me decades to start healing but at 48 I feel like I haven't done much in this department except I understand trauma and see it so clearly in the majority of people. I survived all kinds of abuse but I don't agree with the claim that time heals. I think I'm much more fragile and depressed now, but I'm not dying yet (hopefully!), so I'm still work in progress. Thank you for taking the time to comment :)
@@Rose_OuTime only heals inner wounds when that time is used constructively and with proper guidance, whether from an experienced person or yourself once you're in a position to do so. I think that's the nuance to "time heals all wounds" that gets lost. It's kind of like the "eye for an eye" thing people parrot mindlessly. The full quote is actually "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."
There is way too much leniency with parents. A woman was on a forum complaining she couldn't stop yelling at her kids and feeling guilty for it. I just asked her if she would yell at a cop or manager when she's stressed out, someone who could actually bring her consequences. I'm sure she finds control then.
I wish you were my therapist. I needed you then, and I need you now. Thank you for your videos. I feel like my child self has been seen and heard and cared for.
Yes, just look at the family system, look at the family system, look at the family system. It never fails. Amazing how many generations the same issue has been spewing out.
My own father was a narcissistic sociopath, raised by horrible parents and I was his perpetual scapegoat. Constant bullying, sexual predation. Fortunately I escaped into reading fiction and learned about other ways of living and empathy via that imaginary route. He made my life a living hell until the day he died. I was so grateful when he finally passed. Unfortunately he managed to destroy so much in my life.
@@transformationtimenow3321 I can't imagine what it would be like having a sociopath as a parent. My heart goes out to you. My older brother had ASPD. I just remember feeling dread whenever I had to return home from somewhere. It's unfair that people are forced to to live with monsters.
Daniel, i just want you to know that you are very much valued. Imagine how the mental health landscape would be if practitioners are like you. But we have too many of them in the healthcare and criminal systems who are eager to pathologize and blame people who are so traumatized beyond belief, and then guiltlessly drug them into oblivion.
I acted out this week. Lost control of my emotions after being verbally abused by my mother and flipped a table over in rage! It felt cathartic in the moment but afterwards I felt really intense shame. I knew the whole time what I was doing and I knew it wasn’t going to make things better, and yet I allowed myself to do it anyway. Afterwards I finally stopped procrastinating and have decided to move out the house, I’ll be in new digs next week. Shame is a healing tool that takes me to places I don’t want to go to, but need to go in order to heal. I think every time I abused drugs and alcohol as a teenager I was really just acting out the pain without being able to consciously access it and ignoring the consequences of my actions, refusing to take responsibility just like my parents. It’s really very simple when you put it that way.
congrats, dunno if you know of the term 'reactive abuse' its when someone antagonises the victim into losing it. the channel Surviving Narcissism has a great video on it. Peace.
Your videos are revolutionary. The way you speak honestly about your own history and provide insight into general dynamics. There is no one close to doing that to such a degree. Thank you. Bottom line: look at your own and others behaviour and try to figure out what you are trying to tell yourself about your own history, what others are telling you about their history.
What’s really hitting me is the fact that you can never know what is at work inside of someone, even people who you believe you know. It’s humbling, and humility is radically needed in this world so I endeavor to embrace that point of view. Nothing else makes sense anyway, that’s how complicated trauma and all the implications of it are. We have to pause and step back and listen and observe and preserve our own sense of wellbeing first, then we may find opportunities to help others in a more skillful and effective way. The suffering of life is profound.
The department of justice doesn't want to hear this message, but it definitely NEEDS to. Another example of when what you want is different from what you need.
Recently read For Your Own Good and The History of Childhood. Both are fascinating and horrifying. When I was training to be a therapist I was a crisis counsellor for 15-16 year olds at risk of exclusion from school. They were all 'acting out' apparently and disruptive. They were smart, sensitive and fantastic young people. I remember a conversation with my supervisor at the time. He said "we all know these kids are here instead of the people who should actually be here". He was right; the parents were a mess, barely had the time or inclination to care about their kids. I remember how sad that felt and how completely unfair it is too. I hope those kids are thriving now and far, far away from their parents.
@@lorenehogan7139 it's the one by Lloyd de Mause. It's quite dry in places and it's written by a number of different people over different chapters, not just him, but it's worth a read. I had to dip in and out because I found it so depressing and horrifying!
@@lorenehogan7139 I can't see my reply to you so I'll reply again. It's the Lloyd de Mause title you're looking for. I got a second hand book because it's a bit pricey!
This was one of the most insightful videos you've ever posted. It seems acting out is an opiate rather than an attempted resolution of trauma. By keeping ourselves in the initial traumatic dynamic, it sorta acts as a suppressant to grieving.
Agreed, there needs to be a insightful witness at some point to even grasp the opportunity to grow from acting out. Someone who doesn't react in the usual confrontational/victimized way, takes a step back, and ask questions candidly. Someone who cares but knows how to set boundaries. Since I've started therapy and stumbled upon Daniel's channel, I think I was able to gradually take that role for people around me - a lot of them have deeper traumas than me, some had bullied me repeatedly. I feel this tiny but growing connection now with some of them that I never dreamed of a couple years ago, I even had given up on some of those relationships.
can confirm .....went the first 27 years of my life feeling completely helpless with extreme levels of shame (never even thought to ask for help, as it was nonstop self blame). it was so confusing...thankfully someone gave me a book on childhood trauma, and it was the first time i ever understood the phrase "its not your fault" - this led to painful grieving almost nonstop for over a year. i now actually feel pretty hopeful about myself and life......crazy stuff
I acted out as a child and no one listened…. I was bullied as a child and no one listened… I was sexually abused as a child and know one acknowledged it. I acted out sexually very young as a consequence So there for I have learnt to act in!… blame myself for everything!! It must be me! As an adult even to do this day…if someone is abusive/ unavailable/ unacceptable- I came to the same conclusion! I then learnt empathy & compassion - but it was skewed.. I could see both sides. More focus on the other than to myself… why? Because I craved the love I never received as a child! I am now 42.. and very aware of my patterns… I have been on this healing path now for 5 years and still slip back all the time… but I see it now.. and can pull myself out of it! I now see how we are all connected… and so disconnected at the same time! ❤️ Thank you for videos xxx
Another deeply informative video with lots of compassion for both sides. I would actually go as far as to say that the majority of problems in the world are cause by deeply traumatized adult children who have no awareness and/or who have done zero work to heal themselves. When we're unaware of our "shadow", we can't help but eventually project it unto random strangers and harm them, and ourselves, in the process. Freedom through awareness!
Fantastic post. The ripest time to process/learn/grieve an episode of acting out is to catch at between the point where one recognizes that it's happening or happened and right before shame sets in. Once the shame arrives, you can pretty much be sure the whole show gets shoved down into the repression/depression archives--and so the series continues . . . .
Thank you for helping me ❤ Last year i quit drinking and started working on myself - all the therapists ive met are more just shells than actual humans with experiences. But it seems both of us have had similair childhood trauma and i connect with the way you speak about the world and humanity 🌎 thank you
I have a belief that will not change as it comes from realistic observation and inner reflection. Barring kids with known neurological or validated physical intellectual development problem, kids misbehaving or throwing a tantrum is ALWAYS, the parent(s)' fault. I have yet to see (okay maybe once I might have seen) a parent not behave like negligent or authoritative ahole in relating to their children. I despise and cringe when people use expressions like "like five year old" to describe deplorable behavior of adults. Seriously, 5 year olds are behaving according to their age and are innocent. Adults behaving so are not. The reason a 5 year behaves poorly is 100% an adult's fault in the first place, anyway. Screww anyone that maligns children.
Revelations! we desire to gain mastery over the abuses we suffered as children. Thank you!!! as an analogy, my desire to gain mastery over the abusive experiences I have suffered from government authority figures, has led me to study equity law to finally find the remedy for such abusive government systems
The argument for storytelling as attempts to process trauma, especially horror stories, hit a note with me. I remember as a pre-teen when The Grudge (movie) came out, they ran advertisements for it on TV and I remember how it scared the daylights out of me. I didn't understand how an undead child with an unnaturally big mouth was so scary to me. I wanted to understand yet couldn't help but avert my gaze every time I tried to look, really primordial aversion. I have later understood the resemblance of that story with mine, and why I couldn't bear to watch it. It was metaphorically about being force-fed with the massive and disfiguring wrath of my parents, having their voices repurposed as my own, while killing mine. For many years I could not retrieve words that I certainly knew, blocked out, in circumstances where I was pressed to self-advocate swiftly. The loss of my voice culminated in entirely forgetting who and what I am until I moved out and started recovering. I do believe most adults these days have forgotten. Interestingly, patiently and compassionately taking my time to recall that one word I couldn't retrieve from memory, seemed to have puzzled me back together. And this issue has improved dramatically since I took my parents to the court of justice in my heart and sided unconditionally with myself. I concluded the reason I couldn't even watch it back then was because the plot perfectly represented the most life-threatening reality I found myself in. Having acknowledged it would have been the end of what little composure I had and a disintegration in a far too hostile and punitive environment. When I stood alone face to face with my traumatic past at 20 I was shaken to my core. I got out,just barely but they're still trying to capture me again over 10 years later.
But hurting people even if you understand why the bullies do that, should not be accepted. I'm an adult with childhood trauma, and I can't accept bully or violence in a workplace. I can't take it. And children can be destroy by being bully. I posted 2 comments as they probably don't match.
Daniel, this is so darn good! You put out a video describing exactly what I have realized caused so much of my "bad" behaviours as a teen over the past month. I've been calling it "childhood 2.0; the hellish sequel", where adults recreate their abusive childhood environments, except for the fact that they now hold the role of the traumatizer and others are the traumatized. You are so smart, insightful, and an amazing role model for hopeless young people like myself. Thank you, Daniel, for all the hard work you do to get these videos out there. It's greatly appreciated ❤️
Much "acting out" is not theatrical, but instead takes the forms such as substance abuse, overeating, oversleeping, video gane addiction, pornography obsession, to name a few.
Hey brother you come off as a strong minded man, don't let this world corrupt you and remember to strive for your health and well-being both physically and mentally. All love for what you're teaching, some need to be their own therapist at times. The sad reality of us trying to figure things out together does bring us closer in the end, thank you for this brother, truly.
You may want to do some research into his back story… he was a psychologist/ psychoanalyst for 10 years in New York U. S. A if I remember rightly. Probably a good 5 to 10 thousand hours in hearing peoples traumatic stories from their lives. May explain his passion and abundance in wanting people to be aware of their mental health and what damage can be caused.
@@sharynmain2432 I haven't studied too much but he's definitely more useful than doctors or parents trying to calm me. Thank you for letting me know I'll definitely give it a look.
Childhood pervasive unmet needs. Spend adult meeting others needs and dysfunctional enabling, caretaker role, giver role. Took a tremendous amount of psycho education to break out of that box.
When we think that Daniel has said it all... a video like this comes out! It makes so much sense for the children who act out, but what about the adults who act out in the same way? Can we help them if they do not want to see the horrors of their life?
this is so true......when i was 3.....5....and 9 my father was hurting me and shouting at me......and my mother was hurting me with a big stick.......now im 28 and im so angry all the time that i keep shouting to my parents and saying bad words to them....my trauma is so big i dont know what to do....i need help but my parents cannot see that...no one can see that
Learning some about developmental psychology, I realized I had abandonment issues. I've been able to resolve them without needing someone to be a "mom" in adulthood. Narcissists don't seem to understand the kinds of demands they make on others, and they will virtually never admit they do wrong. I guess because they are trying to work out what's missing from their upbringing, so it seems natural for their development to behave that way. No excuse for their behavior, but they should recognize how much they need others for their temporary satisfaction and realize that they shouldn't need anyone that much and in a way that is detrimental to others. Had I had a better understanding of narcissists and how they are made, maybe I wouldn't have pushed back the way I did. All I knew is that I got the creeps from their stealthy, manipulative behavior. Then it was a stealth fight for a decade+. One where I felt like I couldn't stop fighting, even if I more recently understood how narcissists are made. I have bills to pay, and they're trying to force me down through the cracks, possibly with the intent of offering to be my savior (more creepy shit). I still feel like they're trying to hang onto me.
Daniel thank you for this video it’s a gift to those of us on a healing journey. Thank you for sharing these incredible insights. Most of all thank you for sharing your personal story. For those of who have suffered trauma and abuse it’s deeply encouraging to know we can make meaningful changes in our lives. Through understanding our own personal dramas.
Would you share an example of your own acting out and how you realized you act out and how you used it for healing?! I learn the best way though examples. Thanks for all you do ❤
I'm not sure if you've ever dived into the concept of the double bind, but many of your videos, particularly relating to parental trauma make me think of it a lot. I would love to hear your thoughts and analysis of the concept.
At 4:59 you said the child needs compassion. I totally agree with you, but I'm curious to know how that compassion looks like. If punishing or medication is the wrong way to go, then what is the right way? Because to me the former method has a clear picture in my mind, but the recommendation of "just have compassion" is a little vague and confusing to me; is it just about NOT punishing and having patience? This blind spot probably has to do with me only having experienced the former as a child. I know this is a big question that one can write many books about, but can you maybe point me to the right direction? Maybe recommend a book that has the right child raising philosophy? I dont have children myself, but I really want to know this.
@@user-xr7ts1cw8s Thanks I'll certainly look into that. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this looks like a philosophy of how to raise babies the right way from birth. It's not about how to heal a child who has unresolved trauma and is "acting out." Because that's what I'm really looking for right now. But maybe attachment theory can lead me to that cure?
I agree and can relate to a lot of what you went through, I am 50 years old, but I still get triggered and acted out a few months back and am so ashamed of it. How can I leave my past behind and move on? I tried everything and did everything I could think of, but I still act out from time to time. What is the solution? Feel it, become aware of it and work through it? No shortcuts?
I’m not fully through the video but I have a question, if this theory was true then how come all abused people don’t eventually become bullie,because some heal quicker than others or maybe eventually does everyone act out?
Acted out on animals, too. Maybe moreso since there's even less accountability. Growing up on the [pre-industrial] farm the dogs, cats, pigs, ducks, geese, birds, and chickens were the recipients from the young farm boys. Especially geese since their natural behavior comes off as a-holes.
I'm not finish yet the video but a study i've seen was how to solve bully and it's quiet simple. you have to take time to talk to the bully and make him empathise with the person he's bullying ( for this is to have the 2 kids together and an adult and make the bully understand the pain the other one endure by his reaction. And it was proven very effective. And go with what you say: he's a way to empathise to himself.
I was acting out anger towards my therapist because I felt imvalidated by him. I was storming out from the office and clap the door. We didnt menage to resolve my anger. So I just didnt came back. And I can't get over it. It feels uncomple 😢
Vocabulary is known to go far beyond words. It's said that 75% of language is physical. Acting out is communicating the result of what is happening with them.
What about acting out being destructive to yourself and others by breaching your previous boundaries because you just experienced a psychopath therapist or a psychopath breach your boundaries? You do this almost to make everything match.
When I read the comment about Hitler on Alice Miller's book I was also stunned. How much suffering would these hypothetical kids of his have to endure to compensate for his Trauma? Then, the 2n World Word could have been avoided, but we would have as many new Hitlers to keep up the good work... And one of them may not have kids... Does that mean that he would cause less harm to the world ???
I would really love if you could talk about people saying stop romanticizing your mental disorders or sadness in general. Because when i look at something sad be it a work of kafka (my fav being his letters to his father) a piece of art with sad woman or lamb or listening to mitski or music of that sort. And most importantly when i just understand bojack horseman. And i find peace. Does it count in the process of grieving? Or am i trying to act cool? Because the inner critic is like you're just fake and trying to do this for attention. When i completely hate being in limelight Andgetting attention. Is romanticizing some way related to grieving process. Is it even that word? romanticism? What is this. I mostly find peace with my sadness and appreciating what i went through and made myself out of it (not always). I think my comment clearly shows my confusion with this gen z narrative.
Also coming to this the question that keeps haunting me is the statement we read that if the xyz artist wasn't troubled or traumatized or suffered the said disorders we wouldn't have the art the creative work they left at the first place. Is it really the existential dread that is essential for the activation of creative mind and existence of the art?
I think it was Schopenhauer who said that, as well as "all things are like puppets set in motion by internal clockwork", albeit you cannot go far out of the same predeterminism when quoting Freud or Nietzsche, for that matter, either. I'm not saying that there's no truth in the ultimate postulate these eminent (and not at all silly!) thinkers put forward that "compassion is the spurce of action possessing moral worth", oh no no, I agree, it's just the moral gymnastics and cartwheeling I'm called to do in burying the damages under the carpet while I redeem or rehabilitate one person or the other, that irk my soul. I am also to compare and contrast the reactionary response of the victim's inner child and the abusers' inner child, and I'm called to level the field - I am called to do that, the beaten to pulp one! Well no, Daniel, as much as you can love and honour any pleasant memories of your parents, or indeed anyone who you feel harmed you enough to remember, from a safe distance, so can I say that no one can ask ME to attend to the broken inner child of my former abusers. Some other therapist /coach/shaman/whomever can, but I can distance myself, cut out all attempts to contact me, and let them access other resources they can afford to heal. It's not cognitive behavioural practices that are silly, but the presumptions that one cannot apply consequentialism, moral absolutism, or indeed deontology in its many facets to the various experiences one goes through the lifespan. I can. I'm flexible like that. ❤
I think a big block to what you're advocating here (of using this as an opportunity to heal0 is that society basically sees this as enabling. If you don't just treat the acting out kid like a criminal and hurt them back, then you're just encouraging them. I think that could be called poisonous pedagogy, but I'm not sure.
Daniel, I hope you'll read this. I'm in awe about your insights in pretty much every video. I deeply feel the same. I wished so badly my caregivers, or many parents for that matter, would have had a fraction of your wisdom, love and empathy for their children and people around them. Thank you for your videos. They help me so much to heal the sociatal and parental gaslighting
Agreed
Here here
Same here
About bullying, there's also the fact that bullies are all too often rewarded for their actions - they end up having a family and being respected while the bullied ones are traumatized and left behind by society. It's not even exactly a human thing - in all species, bullies can reap rewards and sometimes that's the primary focus of mate selection. Some bullies - especially the ones who aren't psychopathic - really do act out trauma though.
Absolutely! The boys will bully others in front of girls and the girls love it and want to date them. People would purposefully do this at the summer camp, school and on a college bus tour I went to. A young therapist guy slapped my butt in front of girls in order to look look like he was dominating and bullying me because he wanted them to like him. Girls literally get turned on when they see a guy bully another guy or two guys fight.
Capitalism rewards bullying for sure.
Children are not the only ones that act out
This video is priceless
Thank you deeply.
My golden child brother was extremely calm and agreeable as a child. I, the scapegoat of the family, was constantly "acting out". I think I might have been autistic, too, and with severe ADHD as I couldn't sit still, focus on one sentence in a book, and with time, as I was observing my parents' attitude towards me and unequal treatment of me and my brother I started to be more and more aggressive. Recently, I also thought a lot about an event which, considering regular abuse I experienced later in life, never occurred to me as extremely important or serious and I can't imagine why. When I was 2 years old my parents decided to send me to a medical centre situated in the mountains, far away from home, as I supposedly had pneumonia so severe that I had to be treated in a specialist facility. I have this picture in my head where my mother gives me a blanket, a lady I'm not familiar with holds my hand, and my parents are walking away to their car waving me goodbye. The thing I remember very clearly about this event is fear equal to that of dying, my heart in pieces, panic attack and pain of being abandoned. I was right to feel that way. My parents never visited me in that place, not once. I have no memory of 2 months I spent there and, God only knows what happened to me , as I was never the same afterwards. I was despised and unwanted by my parents so I acted accordingly. I was never calm or peaceful ever since; my life, until I was 19-20, was pain and pain alone. A therapist asked me when I first went out to seek help at 26 years old, if I could give an example of one event that would involve me and my parents and that I'd consider a happy one. I spent 10 minutes but couldn't recall one such moment. She told me that normally the brain remembers good things but tries to erase bad memories so it's unusual that I don't have ANY good memory that would involve my parents. She said that I might not remember much of my childhood but it must have been a very dark one. That woman helped me understand my position in a family system and, even though it was 22 years ago and Poland was a lot different than the US back than, she was the only person to advise me to go 'no contact' to save myself. She also spent first two hours with me free of charge. I left Poland soon afterwards and have never seen her again, but I'm pretty sure she saved many women.
Thank you, Daniel for all you do.
Gosh that whole story is heartbreaking. I hope you're in a better place now. That's great that you started seeking help, and at a fairly young age. Some traumatized people never work on themselves or get help for some reason.
My last boyfriend said he couldn't remember his childhood; he only knew he experienced trauma.
I thought he was exaggerating at first, but he stuck with this statement throughout our two year relationship and never had any stories from childhood.
He would get really quiet any time I had a problem with him and had a hard time with my anger even though I never yelled or got disrespectful.
Unfortunately I needed more communication than he was willing to engage in and it led to us breaking up.
@@AgeismGoesBothWays people with CPTSD have no memories, they have symptoms. I don't remember most of the first 19 years of my life. It's a survival mechanism which developed to protect the brain from a complete shut down. Your ex-boyfriend was not capable of giving you what he didn't have, and men are much less willing to face their pain and work on it because everybody expects them to be strong. It's taken me decades to start healing but at 48 I feel like I haven't done much in this department except I understand trauma and see it so clearly in the majority of people. I survived all kinds of abuse but I don't agree with the claim that time heals. I think I'm much more fragile and depressed now, but I'm not dying yet (hopefully!), so I'm still work in progress. Thank you for taking the time to comment :)
@@Rose_OuTime only heals inner wounds when that time is used constructively and with proper guidance, whether from an experienced person or yourself once you're in a position to do so. I think that's the nuance to "time heals all wounds" that gets lost. It's kind of like the "eye for an eye" thing people parrot mindlessly. The full quote is actually "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."
There is way too much leniency with parents. A woman was on a forum complaining she couldn't stop yelling at her kids and feeling guilty for it. I just asked her if she would yell at a cop or manager when she's stressed out, someone who could actually bring her consequences. I'm sure she finds control then.
Yeah.... she "can't" stop. People make so many excuses for their bad behavior.
I just saw my own sister do that too many times, and my father as well. Yelling then apologizing but never changing. For years.
To paraphrase Mike Tyson, everyone feels free to act out until they get punched in the mouth.
I wish you were my therapist. I needed you then, and I need you now. Thank you for your videos. I feel like my child self has been seen and heard and cared for.
Yes, just look at the family system, look at the family system, look at the family system. It never fails. Amazing how many generations the same issue has been spewing out.
My own father was a narcissistic sociopath, raised by horrible parents and I was his perpetual scapegoat. Constant bullying, sexual predation. Fortunately I escaped into reading fiction and learned about other ways of living and empathy via that imaginary route. He made my life a living hell until the day he died. I was so grateful when he finally passed. Unfortunately he managed to destroy so much in my life.
@@transformationtimenow3321 I can't imagine what it would be like having a sociopath as a parent. My heart goes out to you. My older brother had ASPD. I just remember feeling dread whenever I had to return home from somewhere. It's unfair that people are forced to to live with monsters.
Every behavior satisfies a need. Maybe when people realize this they will stop judging others for their behavior
@@be.prepared.to.do.that. of course. But a lot of times we stop at the level of behavior and don’t ask what somebody’s intention was
Daniel, i just want you to know that you are very much valued. Imagine how the mental health landscape would be if practitioners are like you. But we have too many of them in the healthcare and criminal systems who are eager to pathologize and blame people who are so traumatized beyond belief, and then guiltlessly drug them into oblivion.
I acted out this week. Lost control of my emotions after being verbally abused by my mother and flipped a table over in rage! It felt cathartic in the moment but afterwards I felt really intense shame. I knew the whole time what I was doing and I knew it wasn’t going to make things better, and yet I allowed myself to do it anyway. Afterwards I finally stopped procrastinating and have decided to move out the house, I’ll be in new digs next week. Shame is a healing tool that takes me to places I don’t want to go to, but need to go in order to heal. I think every time I abused drugs and alcohol as a teenager I was really just acting out the pain without being able to consciously access it and ignoring the consequences of my actions, refusing to take responsibility just like my parents. It’s really very simple when you put it that way.
Congrats on getting out of there
@@be.prepared.to.do.that.Thank you
congrats, dunno if you know of the term 'reactive abuse' its when someone antagonises the victim into losing it. the channel Surviving Narcissism has a great video on it. Peace.
Your videos are revolutionary. The way you speak honestly about your own history and provide insight into general dynamics. There is no one close to doing that to such a degree. Thank you.
Bottom line: look at your own and others behaviour and try to figure out what you are trying to tell yourself about your own history, what others are telling you about their history.
What’s really hitting me is the fact that you can never know what is at work inside of someone, even people who you believe you know. It’s humbling, and humility is radically needed in this world so I endeavor to embrace that point of view. Nothing else makes sense anyway, that’s how complicated trauma and all the implications of it are. We have to pause and step back and listen and observe and preserve our own sense of wellbeing first, then we may find opportunities to help others in a more skillful and effective way. The suffering of life is profound.
The department of justice doesn't want to hear this message, but it definitely NEEDS to. Another example of when what you want is different from what you need.
The department of justice is corrupt at the core. Like pretty much all our other major organizations.
Recently read For Your Own Good and The History of Childhood. Both are fascinating and horrifying. When I was training to be a therapist I was a crisis counsellor for 15-16 year olds at risk of exclusion from school. They were all 'acting out' apparently and disruptive. They were smart, sensitive and fantastic young people. I remember a conversation with my supervisor at the time. He said "we all know these kids are here instead of the people who should actually be here". He was right; the parents were a mess, barely had the time or inclination to care about their kids. I remember how sad that felt and how completely unfair it is too. I hope those kids are thriving now and far, far away from their parents.
Who's the author of The History of Childhood? There are 3 books with the same title in Amazon. Thank you.
@@lorenehogan7139 it's the one by Lloyd de Mause. It's quite dry in places and it's written by a number of different people over different chapters, not just him, but it's worth a read. I had to dip in and out because I found it so depressing and horrifying!
@@lorenehogan7139 I can't see my reply to you so I'll reply again. It's the Lloyd de Mause title you're looking for. I got a second hand book because it's a bit pricey!
Ill have another go! Trying to reply to give you the author name but yt keeps deleting my comment. Lloyd de Mause.
This was one of the most insightful videos you've ever posted.
It seems acting out is an opiate rather than an attempted resolution of trauma. By keeping ourselves in the initial traumatic dynamic, it sorta acts as a suppressant to grieving.
Agreed, there needs to be a insightful witness at some point to even grasp the opportunity to grow from acting out. Someone who doesn't react in the usual confrontational/victimized way, takes a step back, and ask questions candidly. Someone who cares but knows how to set boundaries. Since I've started therapy and stumbled upon Daniel's channel, I think I was able to gradually take that role for people around me - a lot of them have deeper traumas than me, some had bullied me repeatedly. I feel this tiny but growing connection now with some of them that I never dreamed of a couple years ago, I even had given up on some of those relationships.
can confirm .....went the first 27 years of my life feeling completely helpless with extreme levels of shame (never even thought to ask for help, as it was nonstop self blame). it was so confusing...thankfully someone gave me a book on childhood trauma, and it was the first time i ever understood the phrase "its not your fault" - this led to painful grieving almost nonstop for over a year. i now actually feel pretty hopeful about myself and life......crazy stuff
@@paulbrown2439I hope one day to be in that position of post-grieving like yourself.
I acted out as a child and no one listened….
I was bullied as a child and no one listened…
I was sexually abused as a child and know one acknowledged it.
I acted out sexually very young as a consequence
So there for I have learnt to act in!… blame myself for everything!! It must be me!
As an adult even to do this day…if someone is abusive/ unavailable/ unacceptable- I came to the same conclusion!
I then learnt empathy & compassion - but it was skewed.. I could see both sides. More focus on the other than to myself… why? Because I craved the love I never received as a child!
I am now 42.. and very aware of my patterns…
I have been on this healing path now for 5 years and still slip back all the time… but I see it now.. and can pull myself out of it!
I now see how we are all connected… and so disconnected at the same time! ❤️
Thank you for videos xxx
You are a beautiful human being x
Another deeply informative video with lots of compassion for both sides. I would actually go as far as to say that the majority of problems in the world are cause by deeply traumatized adult children who have no awareness and/or who have done zero work to heal themselves. When we're unaware of our "shadow", we can't help but eventually project it unto random strangers and harm them, and ourselves, in the process. Freedom through awareness!
This has to be the most most valuable TH-cam channel I’ve ever come across. I mean I can’t even believe this is free. ❤
There is Patreon so you can support him, if you want!! I agree with you btw😃
Fantastic post. The ripest time to process/learn/grieve an episode of acting out is to catch at between the point where one recognizes that it's happening or happened and right before shame sets in. Once the shame arrives, you can pretty much be sure the whole show gets shoved down into the repression/depression archives--and so the series continues . . . .
Thank you for helping me ❤
Last year i quit drinking and started working on myself - all the therapists ive met are more just shells than actual humans with experiences. But it seems both of us have had similair childhood trauma and i connect with the way you speak about the world and humanity 🌎 thank you
At the age of 39 this is what I’m going thru and I’m over it. You’re seriously such a blessing in my life wish I could meet you one day.
this is like free therapy
I do it most of the time. It's better than keeping it in.
I currently work in a school, and I see it. I agree with you. It's a cry for help.
And god forbid anyone shows anger anywhere they go.
Because it is always self inflicted right? It is never to be BLAMED ON RIGHT??? Just smile it of wouldyaaa
When people see someone get angry, they get scared. They feel the angry person might hurt them.
Having just moved to a strange and foreign land (and feeling my inner child needing to ‘act outm)- I need this right now rn more than you know!!
I have a belief that will not change as it comes from realistic observation and inner reflection. Barring kids with known neurological or validated physical intellectual development problem, kids misbehaving or throwing a tantrum is ALWAYS, the parent(s)' fault. I have yet to see (okay maybe once I might have seen) a parent not behave like negligent or authoritative ahole in relating to their children. I despise and cringe when people use expressions like "like five year old" to describe deplorable behavior of adults. Seriously, 5 year olds are behaving according to their age and are innocent. Adults behaving so are not. The reason a 5 year behaves poorly is 100% an adult's fault in the first place, anyway. Screww anyone that maligns children.
Revelations! we desire to gain mastery over the abuses we suffered as children. Thank you!!!
as an analogy, my desire to gain mastery over the abusive experiences I have suffered from government authority figures, has led me to study equity law to finally find the remedy for such abusive government systems
The argument for storytelling as attempts to process trauma, especially horror stories, hit a note with me.
I remember as a pre-teen when The Grudge (movie) came out, they ran advertisements for it on TV and I remember how it scared the daylights out of me. I didn't understand how an undead child with an unnaturally big mouth was so scary to me. I wanted to understand yet couldn't help but avert my gaze every time I tried to look, really primordial aversion.
I have later understood the resemblance of that story with mine, and why I couldn't bear to watch it.
It was metaphorically about being force-fed with the massive and disfiguring wrath of my parents, having their voices repurposed as my own, while killing mine. For many years I could not retrieve words that I certainly knew, blocked out, in circumstances where I was pressed to self-advocate swiftly. The loss of my voice culminated in entirely forgetting who and what I am until I moved out and started recovering. I do believe most adults these days have forgotten. Interestingly, patiently and compassionately taking my time to recall that one word I couldn't retrieve from memory, seemed to have puzzled me back together. And this issue has improved dramatically since I took my parents to the court of justice in my heart and sided unconditionally with myself.
I concluded the reason I couldn't even watch it back then was because the plot perfectly represented the most life-threatening reality I found myself in. Having acknowledged it would have been the end of what little composure I had and a disintegration in a far too hostile and punitive environment. When I stood alone face to face with my traumatic past at 20 I was shaken to my core. I got out,just barely but they're still trying to capture me again over 10 years later.
This is beautifully written. Your soul is untouched.
I agree with you. The best explanation I have ever heard❤. Thank you.
Can I just say thank you, Daniel. You are out here saving lives and don't even know it. I wish you nothing but peace and goodness in this world.
But hurting people even if you understand why the bullies do that, should not be accepted. I'm an adult with childhood trauma, and I can't accept bully or violence in a workplace. I can't take it. And children can be destroy by being bully. I posted 2 comments as they probably don't match.
Daniel, this is so darn good! You put out a video describing exactly what I have realized caused so much of my "bad" behaviours as a teen over the past month. I've been calling it "childhood 2.0; the hellish sequel", where adults recreate their abusive childhood environments, except for the fact that they now hold the role of the traumatizer and others are the traumatized. You are so smart, insightful, and an amazing role model for hopeless young people like myself. Thank you, Daniel, for all the hard work you do to get these videos out there. It's greatly appreciated ❤️
Much "acting out" is not theatrical, but instead takes the forms such as substance abuse, overeating, oversleeping, video gane addiction, pornography obsession, to name a few.
You give me an impression of what safety could look like in male form. I appreciate your videos.
He is so safe, it's crazy. Restoring my faith in men.
Hey brother you come off as a strong minded man, don't let this world corrupt you and remember to strive for your health and well-being both physically and mentally. All love for what you're teaching, some need to be their own therapist at times. The sad reality of us trying to figure things out together does bring us closer in the end, thank you for this brother, truly.
You may want to do some research into his back story… he was a psychologist/ psychoanalyst for 10 years in New York U. S. A if I remember rightly. Probably a good 5 to 10 thousand hours in hearing peoples traumatic stories from their lives. May explain his passion and abundance in wanting people to be aware of their mental health and what damage can be caused.
@@sharynmain2432 I haven't studied too much but he's definitely more useful than doctors or parents trying to calm me. Thank you for letting me know I'll definitely give it a look.
I feel your "sighs", i really do. You are so brave to talk about so painful things. You help us a lot, thank you.
Childhood pervasive unmet needs. Spend adult meeting others needs and dysfunctional enabling, caretaker role, giver role.
Took a tremendous amount of psycho education to break out of that box.
When we think that Daniel has said it all... a video like this comes out!
It makes so much sense for the children who act out, but what about the adults who act out in the same way? Can we help them if they do not want to see the horrors of their life?
Very interesting insights. Thank you.
this is so true......when i was 3.....5....and 9 my father was hurting me and shouting at me......and my mother was hurting me with a big stick.......now im 28 and im so angry all the time that i keep shouting to my parents and saying bad words to them....my trauma is so big i dont know what to do....i need help but my parents cannot see that...no one can see that
I’ve read your book and now I’m obsessed with gaining your wisdom
Very interesting and incisive
Exorcist director William Friedkin once said "If I wasn't making films, I might have become a serial killer"
So glad to listen to a new video! Keep posting!
Beautifully said. Healing insights and compassion. Daniel you are helping me gain self awareness and growth. Thank you so much.
How about someone who fathered between 20-26 children? Couldn't they have taken out their drama on one of them, instead of on New York and Washington?
You said it so well, Daniel, about Hitler having kids. What a true deep thought about what’s going on in many families, unfortunately.
Yes and yes.
Everything that we have in the world is our intellect.
That is consciousness
thank you
This man is pure wisdom. From a happy follower
Nobody asks why? Maybe nobody wants to know why.... Thank you gratefully for your videos!
Well said....people and kids get blamed....we need to move from whats wrong with you, to as you said, what happened to you
Just brilliant. Helped me alot to understand myself during primary school especially. Thank you Daniel. Keep up the good work.
Thank you from India.
Incredible incite brother. Thanks for sharing. 🙏🏻
You are helping my patients so much. Thank you.
This is so helpful in my parenting
Learning some about developmental psychology, I realized I had abandonment issues. I've been able to resolve them without needing someone to be a "mom" in adulthood.
Narcissists don't seem to understand the kinds of demands they make on others, and they will virtually never admit they do wrong. I guess because they are trying to work out what's missing from their upbringing, so it seems natural for their development to behave that way. No excuse for their behavior, but they should recognize how much they need others for their temporary satisfaction and realize that they shouldn't need anyone that much and in a way that is detrimental to others.
Had I had a better understanding of narcissists and how they are made, maybe I wouldn't have pushed back the way I did. All I knew is that I got the creeps from their stealthy, manipulative behavior. Then it was a stealth fight for a decade+. One where I felt like I couldn't stop fighting, even if I more recently understood how narcissists are made. I have bills to pay, and they're trying to force me down through the cracks, possibly with the intent of offering to be my savior (more creepy shit). I still feel like they're trying to hang onto me.
"Acting out" is "acting out one's suppressed trauma and ptsd after being shamed into silenced for far too long.
Hey Daniel will you write an autobiographie one day?? I would love to read it
Daniel thank you for this video it’s a gift to those of us on a healing journey. Thank you for sharing these incredible insights. Most of all thank you for sharing your personal story. For those of who have suffered trauma and abuse it’s deeply encouraging to know we can make meaningful changes in our lives. Through understanding our own personal dramas.
That blue shirt looks nice and professional on you!
Thank you Daniel ❤ relevant for me currently
Always incisive and fascinating
Can really relate to this, Daniel! Thank you!
Would you share an example of your own acting out and how you realized you act out and how you used it for healing?! I learn the best way though examples. Thanks for all you do ❤
very well observed and thought provoking take. thank you for sharing!
I love you
Love your videos thank you
I'm not sure if you've ever dived into the concept of the double bind, but many of your videos, particularly relating to parental trauma make me think of it a lot. I would love to hear your thoughts and analysis of the concept.
At 4:59 you said the child needs compassion. I totally agree with you, but I'm curious to know how that compassion looks like. If punishing or medication is the wrong way to go, then what is the right way? Because to me the former method has a clear picture in my mind, but the recommendation of "just have compassion" is a little vague and confusing to me; is it just about NOT punishing and having patience? This blind spot probably has to do with me only having experienced the former as a child. I know this is a big question that one can write many books about, but can you maybe point me to the right direction? Maybe recommend a book that has the right child raising philosophy? I dont have children myself, but I really want to know this.
Look up attachment theory in babies
@@user-xr7ts1cw8s Thanks I'll certainly look into that. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this looks like a philosophy of how to raise babies the right way from birth. It's not about how to heal a child who has unresolved trauma and is "acting out." Because that's what I'm really looking for right now. But maybe attachment theory can lead me to that cure?
explained well, very nice.
I really enjoyed this, thank you
Asé, reflection has to be consistent thank you , very inspired to change with more acceptance, aséx3 🙏🏾
Sitting! 🤍
Amazing video!
I agree and can relate to a lot of what you went through, I am 50 years old, but I still get triggered and acted out a few months back and am so ashamed of it. How can I leave my past behind and move on? I tried everything and did everything I could think of, but I still act out from time to time. What is the solution? Feel it, become aware of it and work through it? No shortcuts?
Damnn, therapy is really important.
I’m not fully through the video but I have a question, if this theory was true then how come all abused people don’t eventually become bullie,because some heal quicker than others or maybe eventually does everyone act out?
Acted out on animals, too. Maybe moreso since there's even less accountability. Growing up on the [pre-industrial] farm the dogs, cats, pigs, ducks, geese, birds, and chickens were the recipients from the young farm boys. Especially geese since their natural behavior comes off as a-holes.
I'm not finish yet the video but a study i've seen was how to solve bully and it's quiet simple. you have to take time to talk to the bully and make him empathise with the person he's bullying ( for this is to have the 2 kids together and an adult and make the bully understand the pain the other one endure by his reaction. And it was proven very effective. And go with what you say: he's a way to empathise to himself.
I wish you can talk about repetition compulsion
Thats right.
I was acting out anger towards my therapist because I felt imvalidated by him. I was storming out from the office and clap the door.
We didnt menage to resolve my anger. So I just didnt came back. And I can't get over it. It feels uncomple 😢
Well I’m gonna be acting out on my wife a lot less… I’m very disappointed in myself.
Thank you Daniel for this eye opening information.
Vocabulary is known to go far beyond words. It's said that 75% of language is physical. Acting out is communicating the result of what is happening with them.
What about acting out being destructive to yourself and others by breaching your previous boundaries because you just experienced a psychopath therapist or a psychopath breach your boundaries? You do this almost to make everything match.
When I read the comment about Hitler on Alice Miller's book I was also stunned. How much suffering would these hypothetical kids of his have to endure to compensate for his Trauma? Then, the 2n World Word could have been avoided, but we would have as many new Hitlers to keep up the good work... And one of them may not have kids... Does that mean that he would cause less harm to the world ???
How can I stop acting these scenarios out on my 13 year old daughter?
I am desperately trying to control my rage.
Shadow work. Get to know your emotions. Learn to hold space for your daughter to be a KID.
My child was taken away from me and he gets orders from my parents and other people.
Hitchcock, same story in every movie for 50 years.
💜
I would really love if you could talk about people saying stop romanticizing your mental disorders or sadness in general. Because when i look at something sad be it a work of kafka (my fav being his letters to his father) a piece of art with sad woman or lamb or listening to mitski or music of that sort. And most importantly when i just understand bojack horseman. And i find peace. Does it count in the process of grieving? Or am i trying to act cool? Because the inner critic is like you're just fake and trying to do this for attention. When i completely hate being in limelight Andgetting attention. Is romanticizing some way related to grieving process. Is it even that word? romanticism? What is this. I mostly find peace with my sadness and appreciating what i went through and made myself out of it (not always). I think my comment clearly shows my confusion with this gen z narrative.
Also coming to this the question that keeps haunting me is the statement we read that if the xyz artist wasn't troubled or traumatized or suffered the said disorders we wouldn't have the art the creative work they left at the first place. Is it really the existential dread that is essential for the activation of creative mind and existence of the art?
What's in the box?!
I think it was Schopenhauer who said that, as well as "all things are like puppets set in motion by internal clockwork", albeit you cannot go far out of the same predeterminism when quoting Freud or Nietzsche, for that matter, either. I'm not saying that there's no truth in the ultimate postulate these eminent (and not at all silly!) thinkers put forward that "compassion is the spurce of action possessing moral worth", oh no no, I agree, it's just the moral gymnastics and cartwheeling I'm called to do in burying the damages under the carpet while I redeem or rehabilitate one person or the other, that irk my soul. I am also to compare and contrast the reactionary response of the victim's inner child and the abusers' inner child, and I'm called to level the field - I am called to do that, the beaten to pulp one! Well no, Daniel, as much as you can love and honour any pleasant memories of your parents, or indeed anyone who you feel harmed you enough to remember, from a safe distance, so can I say that no one can ask ME to attend to the broken inner child of my former abusers. Some other therapist /coach/shaman/whomever can, but I can distance myself, cut out all attempts to contact me, and let them access other resources they can afford to heal. It's not cognitive behavioural practices that are silly, but the presumptions that one cannot apply consequentialism, moral absolutism, or indeed deontology in its many facets to the various experiences one goes through the lifespan. I can. I'm flexible like that. ❤
❤
also acting out by proxy - when child saw abuse of one parent.... think of Dexter Morgan
You ever see Yellowjackets? If that's not a study of trauma acting out, I don't know what is.
💎💚
I think a big block to what you're advocating here (of using this as an opportunity to heal0 is that society basically sees this as enabling. If you don't just treat the acting out kid like a criminal and hurt them back, then you're just encouraging them. I think that could be called poisonous pedagogy, but I'm not sure.