I see these childhood pictures of people, you, myself, friends... they all look so lovely and beautiful. I think about how cruel my parents were to me, how families disfigure the insides of their beautiful children. How could any adult see a child, a burgeoning human being, and not see how lovely they are, not want to cherish and encourage that person? How could you act harmfully toward these fragile little seedlings? It's bewildering.
the very simple answer is these people hate themselves and everyone deeply, and are in a deep-seated pain, most likely passed down from their own parents. it's very sad.
My mom used to put me and my sister in front of a full body mirror to critize every part of our bodies and compare us since I was 3 (since I can remember). At 12 she put me on a diet and started making disgusting coments about my body in a sexualizing way. I suffered from anorexia. I stopped going to the swiming pool, beach, using short sleeves, until I was 40 and started healing.
So sorry hunny. That's a terrible thing to do to a child and I can't imagine the damage it left you with. I'm so glad to hear you were able to begin to heal yourself later. People can be so fucked up
I used to be called monkeyman because of my profile- Back of my head sticks out a lot. I couldn't see it so it was others that pointed it out. It took me a long time to get over. First thing I had to do was just decide to take on the challenge of becoming OK with it. It took a few years but the sensitivity is almost gone. Biggest challenge for me nowadays is living with almost no income. I want to desensitise myself to that. I've started to deal with society's judgments about money- which are horrific- Same as society's standards for morality and truth- abysmal to put it mildly. This struggle is still ongoing. Thanks Daniel for all you do.
If its any consolation I got told I had a flat head at the back [amongst other things] It's absolutely banal irrelevance. Who the hell cares. I think it's more important to realise why they wanted to attack our actual heads in the first place, yknow? It's the very place we think from.
@@nevadatan7323Exactly. Some people project the hatred coming from their family onto others, and some project it onto themselves. Put both of those in a schoolyard and a couple decades later you have a predatory society with no trust, no love, no solidarity.
Ouch. Me too :( This is bringing back a lot for me. I hated my body starting around 4th grade and I would only wear long sleeves and pants, and that was the beginning of over a decade of hating and harming my body in different ways. I never thought of it before, but I felt loved only for 'images' of me in my family of origin as well. Really interesting.. thank you for this video.
Thank you for this video. You have a kind heart :) I had been in therapy for 2.5 years getting treatment for BDD. It did not help me one bit, or even made it worse. They did not understand me. I left therapy disillusioned. The past years been trying to heal myself, by getting more out into the world. It's still difficult but I have come a long way. The weirdest thing that helped me with my BDD was actually getting rejected by a girl. It 'killed' this internal image of myself, and suddenly I could start as a new person, free from anxiety. I feel like most of my anxieties came from the fear of having my 'fantasy self' getting destroyed (I had this paradoxical thought where I felt perfect and worthless at the same time). Or to put it differently: I feel like my BDD stems from ego, and killing my ego removed most of the BDD. I hope I describe it well. But I agree that the majority these psychological issues stem from bad relationship with parents, I am sure it was the main cause for me as well. Perhaps having this ´perfect fantasy self´ I had was a defense mechanism for the lack of love from my parents.
Thank you for sharing. I relate so deeply. I've never admitted this to anyone, but i have so much dysmorphia over myself to the point of cutting and burning myself. I can't seem to stop because certain body aspects bother me so much. You are right about lack of childhood love being the root cause.
That was a long time coming, but it paid off really nicely. Your anxiety just seems to have melted away as you started talking about it! I have felt body dismorphia throughout my childhood, my teens, and my adult life. It's when I started my grieving process that I finally found the courage and the motivation to eat, sleep, and exercise properly that my body and my expectations naturally just started overlapping. And I have to say, the big, big factor wasn't the changes in my body, but my perception and expectations. What truly worked for me is to lose the fear of inhabiting my body, of being conscious of all the tension, the pain, the injuries and weaknesses, and roll with them. It was about getting to know my body and recognizing it as mine, and mine alone, and trying doing stuff with it.
i had this thing where i was very unconfortable watching photos of me. i know that usually people look better in real life. but still i coundt look myself in the eye in the mirror. its like i have blured self image that makes me believe i am more beautiful, than what i really am!😄
ive had the exact. same. experience. its insane to see that you /get/ it and it is also profoundly comforting in a weird way. ive gone no contact w my family of origin its only been a month n i though escaping was gonna “heal” me but boy oh boy, this feels like only the first step n like im still freshly wounded off the battlefield. thank you for your honesty n authenticity i mean not even one ad! this feels like its from the heart and i love its simplicity, thank you for your vulnerability, you are not alone n many of us carry similar heavy hidden parts within is
My phone is full of pictures of me checking myself throughout the day….it makes me sick…constantly feeling I’m not enough tho still receiving compliments but not seeing it myself…
Daniel, Thanks for your video on this. I can relate to this a lot. When I was 6 I asked for a nose job for my birthday. I always had to do good at school, be a good boy. I had to be a certain way. For me, I think, This obsession was a distraction for me for the lack of love and connection I felt. To really delve into it, and make it an obsession. I too hated myself, I also had it with my ears. It still continues on this day, even that I am 35 yrs old. Watching your videos always gives me a sense of relief, and simultaneously I feel extreme anger boiling up inside of me towards my parents and I have to put something comforting up. I have a hard time dealing with these feelings.
To hear this message from someone who was able to get cosmetic surgery to address their insecurity is incredibly validating. The idea of misplacing hate onto parts of us whether physical or otherwise is really insightful
great insights Daniel thanks for sharing i agree it's displacement to identfy and blame a tangible cause for our powerful negative feelings that is believable enough to self delude. it takes a lot of insight to unravel our damaged emotions - you make me more compassionate
Your videos are very insightful to watch! Thanks for speaking about the problems you have gone through and what caused them, I can just imagine how hard that must be. I too had BDD when I grew up, I didn’t like how my face looked. Now I understand that the root cause was my parents who couldn’t love me for who I am. I couldn’t comprehend that back then, so I took it out on my body, amongst other things. Now everyday is a struggle to love and look after my self, but at least I understand the situation much better and I have distanced myself from my parents.
Am I the only one that notices that most most people are not "normal" at all? I thought I was codependent growing up bc of pleople pleasing tendencies and being unable to relate to others, but now that I stopped self-gaslighting, I see that all my peers were/are so fake? Like: they weren't hypervigilant or anxious, but only called out the dysfunctuon of those who didn't matter to them, and they were friends with people that were way worse than those they judged... it's like everyone is only preocupied with their needs/people who suit their interests, and don't care about the truth. My highschool peers talk badly about me bc I was super shy and quiet but then have friends that are high on narcissim, and I was the one who was pathologized, because of hipervigillance and fear of conflict... My heart is full of love. They seem to be in relationships who lack substance. I was never the problem. The problem with the mental health field is that they pathologize scapegoats who see the truth about this world, and those who fit are 'normal'. I hate it. I was never codependent. Always called out my parents even tho one is forced to comply sometimes bc of survival obvs. My peers were the people pleasers: they got good grades to not disappoint their dumb parents, adopted their religions/politics, etc They were the problem. Not me. Glad I stopped scapegoating myself ❤
Thanks for sharing. What a powerful story! I think that it will resonate with many people and shine a light of truth on the issue. I find it so very frustrating when doctors and therapists suggest that CBT and antidepressants will fix everything. It's such a cop-out. Dealing with these issues, I can see, is hard and painful work and no pills or thinking about cognitive distortions, etc. will fix on their own.
I love your content Daniel. You agree with many of my beliefs regarding self and mental health but you also have the experience and knowledge to expand my perception and I really appreciate that🙏🙏
I had the exact same cosmetic surgery done to me. I don’t actually remember being torn up about how my ears stuck out, but my parents must have not liked it. I was 9 years old when the procedure was done to me. I’m 21 now and I still can’t make sense of it.
This is something i have struggled so hard with, im 39 now has only changed slightly. But what you said about transferring the lack of love onto some imperfection in tje body really helped me contextualize. Thank you ❤
I honor and thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable & share your wisdom & experience on this important topic. Today I had a huge amount of epiphanies/personal growth, and since then it's like my body blew a fuse , became in the freeze and anxiety resistance response . Normally in my family this kind of response to trauma or to anything has been punished shamed and demonized as "lazy". Somehow we were to force our bodies into compliance via hating our own selves. Proving our virtue by demonizing our bodies - the physical and emotional ones. Not once were we dare invited to question the "parental" or "societal" system as the source of the problem. Such questioning was seen as rebellious, disrespectful, and punishable by any violence necessary to break the "evil" in the child. Getting to listen to you, see how even the healed topic gets under your skin, even today , it's like you're being a friend with me in this dark space, sharing the light of your candle to help light my candle, so I can see better. So I can give myself a break and accept these present moments with precious me.
One thing I've never really understood about BDD, is why the therapist who work with people who have it, spend so much time trying to talk people into believing that they look normal and that there's nothing wrong with their appearance. (I'm talking about the people who have really severe cases, where they're completely obsessed with their looks and think they're grotesquely ugly, to the point of being deformed, when they actually look perfectly normal. I'm talking about the ones who have a delusional belief that they have a physical deformity that they don't really have.) I wonder if a better approach to therapy for these people would be instead of trying to talk them out of their delusional belief, accept the fact that they're always going to believe the delusion that they're ugly, and instead teach them to have the kind of self confidence to accept it and live with it, just like many people who really have physical deformities, have learned to do. Someone like Lizzy Vasquez, (I think that's her name?) is a good example of the kind of person I'm talking about. She's the TH-camr with a rare metabolic disorder that causes her to look anorexic, even though she's not, because her body doesn't absorb nutrients normally. She had a viral TED talk about how she deals with looking the way she does and how she has the confidence to love herself the way she is and deal with all her haters. I feel like with BDD, instead of the therapist telling the patients, "You're not ugly. You look fine. Stop obsessing over it. You need to think about other things." They need instead tell them, "You know what? Maybe you are ugly. Maybe you even have a hideous deformity. But so what? There are lots of other people with physical deformities in the world who are loved and have the confidence to live their lives and not care what anyone thinks. You're never going to change the way you look, so lets work on getting you to the point where you can accept yourself the way you are." (The "You're never going to change the way you look" line, should be said to patients who are wanting to get a ton of plastic surgeries, when the therapist knows they'll never be satisfied with them. They should say that instead of, "You'll never be satisfied, no matter how many surgeries you have." Because I don't think they'll listen to that.
Hey Daniel, thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts and insights about this topic and all of your videos. I recently found your channel and for me, I can't tell you what a breath of fresh air it is to hear someone experience and see the world and ourselves in alignment with the way that I have existed for my entire life. From one outsider to another, thank you for being you and for being willing to share what you know is true. It very deeply makes me feel like I'm not insane, but rather, we deeply understand what's going on and love ourselves. Thanks for being you! - Liz in CA
I used to be very self conscious about my knees and calves, after comments of my sister and brother that there is something wrong with them. I used to be ashamed of showing them. Before that I would never think about it. The other thing was the shape of my head and thighs. But the core of the problem was the same - lack of real love from my parents. Thanks.
I have it around my mouth I think? I used to chew gum every single day in school to distract myself from it I'm now 30 and am still constantly thinking about my mouth.
Dear Daniel, thank you so much for content like this. You have given me so much insight since I watch your videos and really helped me on my own personal journal. That's why I would love to hear your perspective on DID. Maybe you could make a video on this topic?
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I think the kind of terror and disgust we can experience from looking at our bodies in a state of high emotional disregulation is something I'm familiar with as an autistic person. I don't know why other people don't talk about it because it's so interesting. I feel like this phenomena is at the root of many classic horror stories like murderous men in masks, demonic entities, and animalistic bodyqualities. It's all the manifestation of dehumanization by our families and everyone around us. It turns us into "things" rather than people then we project that onto ourselves because no one else cares. I experience it daily and it's becoming just another part of my human experience. I look at my face I'm the mirror and think "oh well my face is pleasant today" or alternatively "I look hideous today and want to hide my face." I respect your practical approach to body diamorphia- surgery. I have body diamorphia about my abs and torso and I'm able to just wear loose flowing clothes to feel "safe" from other people's perception. I don't think there's any morality involved in hiding or not hiding the parts of us that are too vulnerable to show. I think it's our choice and we can manage it however we see fit. I do wonder if the physical parts that we want to disown happen to be parta of us were we store high levels of negative energy, but I don't really understand much about that. Thank you for your thoughts and sharing your experience. Much love to you and your ears. 💕
I used to dislike my body but I have worked out alot the last 5 years so now I look like a fitness model. Just workout alot. You can eventually eat most anything and still look nearly perfect. I don't suffer anymore from any dislike of my body because if something goes wrong, I can change it in the gym. It took 30 years tho to get to this point.
I think we was building all along and just walk into who we are. Isn't it amazing being able to have what you want without permission or excuse, just as a want. Then back to being. Great work I did it too, never looked or felt better at 49, it's only to late when yer dead 😁👍
Do you ever worry in case you get mangled in a car wreck someday and can't then rely on external qualities to define your worth anymore coz I think about that a lot
Your whole reason is external. Sure do the gym, but for me it is being whole just as I am. Nothing else needed. I want to look within. Your way is looking outside for you to feel good about yourself.
But what happens if you get older and / or can't work out anymore the way you used to? This is also something that won't work for everyone. Idk if your coping strategy is as healthy as you think it is.
But what happens if you get older and / or can't work out anymore the way you used to? This is also something that won't work for everyone. Idk if your coping strategy is as healthy as you think it is.
There is an entire industry that profits from people feeling bad about themselves. I personally feel insecure about my height .There few things i can do like wearing high heels but still im 4ft11 so i wouldn't get any taller . I wish i was a normal height like 5ft5 or 5ft6
My nose---a bully kid called my "Pinocchio" and "ski slope." Never did any cosmetic procedure. I don't really like my nose but it IS the way I was created.
What do you think about the notion of rapid self exeptance when it comes to others hurting you? I always thought it was bs and that you can't just brute force the mind into forgiving people that talked/treated ya like crap.
I have been through jaw surgery in an attempt to look better and it didn't quite work. The defeat I feel from looking in the mirror is so brutal man. I just want to fit in.
When you’re young and impressionable, the inconsiderate ways of kids of that age is to mercilessly tease their peers. It’s a rite of passage. All kids do it and have done it for as long as the dark ages. My nephew had the same thing done for the same reason. He was very happy he did.
Thanks for sharing your story Daniel.. I remember being teased for my body as well.. and I'm ashamed to say that it GOT to me :( I ran on the treadmill like a maniac but only lost weight in all areas except my chest an face. during all that I avoided swimming trips, beaches etc. I even undressed in the toilet during PE class for a while until I got caught.. I ended up paying 3000 bucks to get my man-boobs removed trough chirgury because I got teased for it when I was in high-school. it didnt change much for me either except being less self-aware i guess.. I still dont associate swimming with fun anymore . I weigh around 70kg while being 38 years old.. I always have been super skinny since that day :( Now im being made fun off for being skinny.. Still beats being called fat I guess
I wish everyone who wasn't prepared to truly love their children wouldn't reproduce, but nature has other plans. Perhaps someday in the far future when humans reach higher levels of compassion and awareness... Thank you for this very raw video. With love.
We can hardly love ourselves so we can hardly truly love anyone or any"thing" else whether that be a person, a pet, a deity, nature, a car, etc. Some "things" open our hearts more like pets and infants (which will be less loved if at all when they get bigger!!!). We're a culture of knights with sharp dagger blades welded to our armor like porcupines. Of course we bear swords, shields and other weapons as well.
As a 5 year old, I use to be insecure about my eyelashes. I was a flamboyant little boy. Had been punished and shunned for it. I thought my eyelashes were too long and made me look feminine. I thought having long eyelashes would inspire family members to hurt me more. I remember asking my mom to cut them off. My mom is insecure about her eyebrows. She shaves them off. Remember watching her do it, the day I asked her to cut my eyelashes. She thought it was funny that I asked. She told me she would cut them. But she never did. When I started gaining weight at 10, my mind shifted to other parts of my body. My chest and stomach. Didn't think about the eyelashes anymore. Got made fun of for having a large chest. Made it harder to hide the fact that I was a little gay boy. living in a homophobic environment. Wore a jacket everyday. no matter how hot. To hide my body.
I think a lot comes from society standards and what kids hear in the household. For example my relative who's dad would call her big bird cuz she was tall, her ears stuck out and teased her about that, and something about her polish nose. Anyway she ended up growing up and getting everything fixed except the height, I think if she didn't have a father that pointed out these things she would've been more confident in her appearance overall.
I know this is not a political channel...but given we live in a Bizzaro world...I wonder how we went this far off the rails? To say it's disturbing is a gross understatement.
Hi Colin, Well, I did make a video on speech impediments... th-cam.com/video/VG4Khi4TaeQ/w-d-xo.html Not exactly stutters, but in the same ballpark... Greetings -- Daniel
@@dmackler58 I knew my idea was a pretty good idea for your channel, but I didn't know it was so good it already happened! Thanks for sharing the link.
I really feel your story a lot because I have big ears and they stuck out and it was often told by my older brother you look like a monkey. But I also like monkeys, now that I'm older I have a big honkin schnoz. Somebody online recently said and not in a nice way that I look like Nigel thornberry😅. And to me I'm like well I guess I got to cut my nose and ears off that's it somebody called me ugly! I am not handsome, now I'm balding so I don't even have long hair to hide that fact. Whoopty Doo basil! I like when people have to see my ugly mug.
As a transgender man, ive often looked back and wondered. Why am i this way? Both of my parents spoke openly about how they found themselves "fat" "disgusting" "grotesque", wished they could have cosmetic surgery and modeled extremely low self esteem to me. And yet, even knowing this now im in my 30s, my gender identity still remains male. Ive had almost every therapy under the sun but it seems transgenderism, for me, is simply an ingrained, immutable part of me. But, i do get very upset when others think that im simply choosing to be this way. Because i would never choose the body dysmorphia that i experienced prior to HRT and surgery and still occasionally experience. I can actually be present in social environments, look others in the eye, instead of being trapped in dysphoria.
From 8 to like 13 my dad would watch me shower and comment on my body. I was beinf told that no one would ever love me for my body. That the only good thing about me was my ass
i have BDD. it has ruined my life. it is a brain wiring related illness, and there’s lots of research to support the classification of BDD as an OCD spectrum disorder. if you have BDD and get plastic surgery, your body dysmorphia will find a new perceived flaw to attack, maybe one you never thought about before. it’s how the illness works, unfortunately. only marginally societally or environmentally influenced.
I'm so sorry. I have OCD and can relate. However as I'm trying to get better I've realized two things (if it doesn't resonate no worries) 1. OCD and related illnesses might very well be caused by trauma and emotional problems despite the research not showing it. It's just a matter of how we define trauma and what research gets funding. And the quality of that research. 2. Long term stress and trauma does physically alter the brain. So while there's evidence that OCD spectrum is a brain wiring related illness, it's not straight forward whether this wiring is innate or caused by adverse experiences. I believe in many cases the latter especially can be re-wired.
I hate it for you that your parents didn't do more to dissuade you from surgery and instead find ways to help you be comfortable in your own body. Insecurity about a physical feature and body dysmorphia seem very different to me though.
Trans people are a related topic that I can't help but think about when this is brought up. I would really love to see someone like you do some research and talk about wishing to change your gender and all of the surgical and hormonal treatments these people sometimes put themselves through. Though I suspect you'd say many of the same things that you have already said in this video.
Babe wake up this king has uploaded again
He is soo underrated
Truest comment I've seen on his page yet fr
i love ur pfp lol
he is indeed goated
This is off-topic, but I just realized Daniel never puts ads on his videos. I think it does further prove his good intentions :)
I appreciate you noticing! I strongly dislike ads... I find them disruptive to the flow of videos. So I don't monetize my channel.
I see these childhood pictures of people, you, myself, friends... they all look so lovely and beautiful. I think about how cruel my parents were to me, how families disfigure the insides of their beautiful children. How could any adult see a child, a burgeoning human being, and not see how lovely they are, not want to cherish and encourage that person? How could you act harmfully toward these fragile little seedlings? It's bewildering.
the very simple answer is these people hate themselves and everyone deeply, and are in a deep-seated pain, most likely passed down from their own parents. it's very sad.
@@pinkkmatcha I don't find it sad. I find it pathetic. They're choosing it.
@@pinkkmatcha Feeling bad for these people is part of their trap.
Yeah...a lot like IG and other social media moments of a perfect life captured for society to marvel at. Why I ended my IG and FB accounts.
There will be many people who watch this and decide not to get plastic surgery, me being one of them. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate this.
My mom used to put me and my sister in front of a full body mirror to critize every part of our bodies and compare us since I was 3 (since I can remember). At 12 she put me on a diet and started making disgusting coments about my body in a sexualizing way. I suffered from anorexia. I stopped going to the swiming pool, beach, using short sleeves, until I was 40 and started healing.
What kind of a mother fking does that... I am sure your body is completely fine by the way. Wish you luck on the healing journey! 🫶🫶😄
So sorry hunny. That's a terrible thing to do to a child and I can't imagine the damage it left you with. I'm so glad to hear you were able to begin to heal yourself later. People can be so fucked up
I am so sorry about that, eating disorders are a personal hell for one and no young girl deserves this level of sexualized body shaming.
I have the same monster of a mother. I hope we can heal
Your avatar is ironic...@@Revengestar
I absolutely love the picture of you and your duck. So representative of your sweet heart and good nature
" I had to fight for myself! " Thank you, Daniel Mackler! ❤
I used to be called monkeyman because of my profile- Back of my head sticks out a lot. I couldn't see it so it was others that pointed it out. It took me a long time to get over. First thing I had to do was just decide to take on the challenge of becoming OK with it. It took a few years but the sensitivity is almost gone. Biggest challenge for me nowadays is living with almost no income. I want to desensitise myself to that. I've started to deal with society's judgments about money- which are horrific- Same as society's standards for morality and truth- abysmal to put it mildly. This struggle is still ongoing. Thanks Daniel for all you do.
If its any consolation I got told I had a flat head at the back [amongst other things]
It's absolutely banal irrelevance. Who the hell cares.
I think it's more important to realise why they wanted to attack our actual heads in the first place, yknow?
It's the very place we think from.
@@nevadatan7323Exactly. Some people project the hatred coming from their family onto others, and some project it onto themselves. Put both of those in a schoolyard and a couple decades later you have a predatory society with no trust, no love, no solidarity.
Ouch. Me too :( This is bringing back a lot for me. I hated my body starting around 4th grade and I would only wear long sleeves and pants, and that was the beginning of over a decade of hating and harming my body in different ways. I never thought of it before, but I felt loved only for 'images' of me in my family of origin as well. Really interesting.. thank you for this video.
Daniel Mackler, thanks a lot for sharing your story. I can relate to you very much.
Thank you for this video. You have a kind heart :)
I had been in therapy for 2.5 years getting treatment for BDD. It did not help me one bit, or even made it worse. They did not understand me.
I left therapy disillusioned. The past years been trying to heal myself, by getting more out into the world. It's still difficult but I have come a long way.
The weirdest thing that helped me with my BDD was actually getting rejected by a girl. It 'killed' this internal image of myself, and suddenly I could start as a new person, free from anxiety. I feel like most of my anxieties came from the fear of having my 'fantasy self' getting destroyed (I had this paradoxical thought where I felt perfect and worthless at the same time). Or to put it differently: I feel like my BDD stems from ego, and killing my ego removed most of the BDD. I hope I describe it well.
But I agree that the majority these psychological issues stem from bad relationship with parents, I am sure it was the main cause for me as well. Perhaps having this ´perfect fantasy self´ I had was a defense mechanism for the lack of love from my parents.
Thank you for these videos they really hit the nail on it's on were these "ilnesses" come from:
Trauma
Yep. We seriously need to stop pathologizing things and teach parenting instead.
Thank you for sharing. I relate so deeply. I've never admitted this to anyone, but i have so much dysmorphia over myself to the point of cutting and burning myself. I can't seem to stop because certain body aspects bother me so much. You are right about lack of childhood love being the root cause.
Tying in parental rescue fantasy with body dismorphia is an amazing touch. It describes my own situation perfectly 😂
Parents are delighted to do "everything they can" for their sick child - except taking any blame, that's out of the question.
That was a long time coming, but it paid off really nicely. Your anxiety just seems to have melted away as you started talking about it!
I have felt body dismorphia throughout my childhood, my teens, and my adult life. It's when I started my grieving process that I finally found the courage and the motivation to eat, sleep, and exercise properly that my body and my expectations naturally just started overlapping. And I have to say, the big, big factor wasn't the changes in my body, but my perception and expectations. What truly worked for me is to lose the fear of inhabiting my body, of being conscious of all the tension, the pain, the injuries and weaknesses, and roll with them. It was about getting to know my body and recognizing it as mine, and mine alone, and trying doing stuff with it.
i had this thing where i was very unconfortable watching photos of me. i know that usually people look better in real life. but still i coundt look myself in the eye in the mirror. its like i have blured self image that makes me believe i am more beautiful, than what i really am!😄
ive had the exact. same. experience. its insane to see that you /get/ it and it is also profoundly comforting in a weird way. ive gone no contact w my family of origin its only been a month n i though escaping was gonna “heal” me but boy oh boy, this feels like only the first step n like im still freshly wounded off the battlefield.
thank you for your honesty n authenticity i mean not even one ad! this feels like its from the heart and i love its simplicity, thank you for your vulnerability, you are not alone n many of us carry similar heavy hidden parts within is
My phone is full of pictures of me checking myself throughout the day….it makes me sick…constantly feeling I’m not enough tho still receiving compliments but not seeing it myself…
Daniel,
Thanks for your video on this. I can relate to this a lot. When I was 6 I asked for a nose job for my birthday. I always had to do good at school, be a good boy. I had to be a certain way. For me, I think, This obsession was a distraction for me for the lack of love and connection I felt. To really delve into it, and make it an obsession. I too hated myself, I also had it with my ears. It still continues on this day, even that I am 35 yrs old.
Watching your videos always gives me a sense of relief, and simultaneously I feel extreme anger boiling up inside of me towards my parents and I have to put something comforting up. I have a hard time dealing with these feelings.
Daniel thank you for your strength. Thank you from the bottom of my heart because this makes us feel less alone.
That's exactly why we love you Daniel: for your truthful being.
So glad to hear from you on this subject
Thanks so much for sharing and for being brave enough to push through your anxiety!
Thank you for sharing this with us! ❤
I just found this channel yesterday and subscribed why you calling me out with the titles on the first day! Thank you, seriously! Ty
To hear this message from someone who was able to get cosmetic surgery to address their insecurity is incredibly validating. The idea of misplacing hate onto parts of us whether physical or otherwise is really insightful
Another gem. Thank you Daniel. I related to everything you said 💛
Thanks. I'm having similar realizations lately. They hit hard
great insights Daniel thanks for sharing i agree it's displacement to identfy and blame a tangible cause for our powerful negative feelings that is believable enough to self delude. it takes a lot of insight to unravel our damaged emotions - you make me more compassionate
Your videos are very insightful to watch! Thanks for speaking about the problems you have gone through and what caused them, I can just imagine how hard that must be. I too had BDD when I grew up, I didn’t like how my face looked. Now I understand that the root cause was my parents who couldn’t love me for who I am. I couldn’t comprehend that back then, so I took it out on my body, amongst other things. Now everyday is a struggle to love and look after my self, but at least I understand the situation much better and I have distanced myself from my parents.
Am I the only one that notices that most most people are not "normal" at all? I thought I was codependent growing up bc of pleople pleasing tendencies and being unable to relate to others, but now that I stopped self-gaslighting, I see that all my peers were/are so fake? Like: they weren't hypervigilant or anxious, but only called out the dysfunctuon of those who didn't matter to them, and they were friends with people that were way worse than those they judged... it's like everyone is only preocupied with their needs/people who suit their interests, and don't care about the truth.
My highschool peers talk badly about me bc I was super shy and quiet but then have friends that are high on narcissim, and I was the one who was pathologized, because of hipervigillance and fear of conflict...
My heart is full of love. They seem to be in relationships who lack substance. I was never the problem.
The problem with the mental health field is that they pathologize scapegoats who see the truth about this world, and those who fit are 'normal'. I hate it. I was never codependent. Always called out my parents even tho one is forced to comply sometimes bc of survival obvs.
My peers were the people pleasers: they got good grades to not disappoint their dumb parents, adopted their religions/politics, etc
They were the problem. Not me.
Glad I stopped scapegoating myself ❤
Thank you so much for the work you do!!
Thank you as ever, Daniel.
Thanks for sharing. What a powerful story! I think that it will resonate with many people and shine a light of truth on the issue.
I find it so very frustrating when doctors and therapists suggest that CBT and antidepressants will fix everything. It's such a cop-out. Dealing with these issues, I can see, is hard and painful work and no pills or thinking about cognitive distortions, etc. will fix on their own.
I love your content Daniel. You agree with many of my beliefs regarding self and mental health but you also have the experience and knowledge to expand my perception and I really appreciate that🙏🙏
Very insightful and great video as always, Daniel. Thank you for these gifts, you've been a friend to me going through my journey!
big ears = great listener = big heart, that's your gift, use it wisely
I had the exact same cosmetic surgery done to me. I don’t actually remember being torn up about how my ears stuck out, but my parents must have not liked it. I was 9 years old when the procedure was done to me. I’m 21 now and I still can’t make sense of it.
This is something i have struggled so hard with, im 39 now has only changed slightly. But what you said about transferring the lack of love onto some imperfection in tje body really helped me contextualize. Thank you ❤
I honor and thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable & share your wisdom & experience on this important topic. Today I had a huge amount of epiphanies/personal growth, and since then it's like my body blew a fuse , became in the freeze and anxiety resistance response . Normally in my family this kind of response to trauma or to anything has been punished shamed and demonized as "lazy". Somehow we were to force our bodies into compliance via hating our own selves. Proving our virtue by demonizing our bodies - the physical and emotional ones. Not once were we dare invited to question the "parental" or "societal" system as the source of the problem. Such questioning was seen as rebellious, disrespectful, and punishable by any violence necessary to break the "evil" in the child. Getting to listen to you, see how even the healed topic gets under your skin, even today , it's like you're being a friend with me in this dark space, sharing the light of your candle to help light my candle, so I can see better. So I can give myself a break and accept these present moments with precious me.
One thing I've never really understood about BDD, is why the therapist who work with people who have it, spend so much time trying to talk people into believing that they look normal and that there's nothing wrong with their appearance. (I'm talking about the people who have really severe cases, where they're completely obsessed with their looks and think they're grotesquely ugly, to the point of being deformed, when they actually look perfectly normal. I'm talking about the ones who have a delusional belief that they have a physical deformity that they don't really have.) I wonder if a better approach to therapy for these people would be instead of trying to talk them out of their delusional belief, accept the fact that they're always going to believe the delusion that they're ugly, and instead teach them to have the kind of self confidence to accept it and live with it, just like many people who really have physical deformities, have learned to do. Someone like Lizzy Vasquez, (I think that's her name?) is a good example of the kind of person I'm talking about. She's the TH-camr with a rare metabolic disorder that causes her to look anorexic, even though she's not, because her body doesn't absorb nutrients normally. She had a viral TED talk about how she deals with looking the way she does and how she has the confidence to love herself the way she is and deal with all her haters. I feel like with BDD, instead of the therapist telling the patients, "You're not ugly. You look fine. Stop obsessing over it. You need to think about other things." They need instead tell them, "You know what? Maybe you are ugly. Maybe you even have a hideous deformity. But so what? There are lots of other people with physical deformities in the world who are loved and have the confidence to live their lives and not care what anyone thinks. You're never going to change the way you look, so lets work on getting you to the point where you can accept yourself the way you are." (The "You're never going to change the way you look" line, should be said to patients who are wanting to get a ton of plastic surgeries, when the therapist knows they'll never be satisfied with them. They should say that instead of, "You'll never be satisfied, no matter how many surgeries you have." Because I don't think they'll listen to that.
I agree, thank you for sharing Daniel. 🙂
Hey Daniel, thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts and insights about this topic and all of your videos. I recently found your channel and for me, I can't tell you what a breath of fresh air it is to hear someone experience and see the world and ourselves in alignment with the way that I have existed for my entire life. From one outsider to another, thank you for being you and for being willing to share what you know is true. It very deeply makes me feel like I'm not insane, but rather, we deeply understand what's going on and love ourselves. Thanks for being you! - Liz in CA
I used to be very self conscious about my knees and calves, after comments of my sister and brother that there is something wrong with them. I used to be ashamed of showing them. Before that I would never think about it. The other thing was the shape of my head and thighs. But the core of the problem was the same - lack of real love from my parents. Thanks.
What an insightful contribution. Thank you 🙏
YESSS!!! Amen. Thank you for sharing.
I have it around my mouth I think? I used to chew gum every single day in school to distract myself from it I'm now 30 and am still constantly thinking about my mouth.
Dear Daniel,
thank you so much for content like this. You have given me so much insight since I watch your videos and really helped me on my own personal journal. That's why I would love to hear your perspective on DID. Maybe you could make a video on this topic?
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I think the kind of terror and disgust we can experience from looking at our bodies in a state of high emotional disregulation is something I'm familiar with as an autistic person. I don't know why other people don't talk about it because it's so interesting. I feel like this phenomena is at the root of many classic horror stories like murderous men in masks, demonic entities, and animalistic bodyqualities. It's all the manifestation of dehumanization by our families and everyone around us. It turns us into "things" rather than people then we project that onto ourselves because no one else cares. I experience it daily and it's becoming just another part of my human experience. I look at my face I'm the mirror and think "oh well my face is pleasant today" or alternatively "I look hideous today and want to hide my face."
I respect your practical approach to body diamorphia- surgery. I have body diamorphia about my abs and torso and I'm able to just wear loose flowing clothes to feel "safe" from other people's perception. I don't think there's any morality involved in hiding or not hiding the parts of us that are too vulnerable to show. I think it's our choice and we can manage it however we see fit.
I do wonder if the physical parts that we want to disown happen to be parta of us were we store high levels of negative energy, but I don't really understand much about that.
Thank you for your thoughts and sharing your experience. Much love to you and your ears. 💕
I wish it was only one part of my body I hate. My whole being is ugly. I just learned to live with this reality.
I used to dislike my body but I have worked out alot the last 5 years so now I look like a fitness model. Just workout alot. You can eventually eat most anything and still look nearly perfect. I don't suffer anymore from any dislike of my body because if something goes wrong, I can change it in the gym. It took 30 years tho to get to this point.
I think we was building all along and just walk into who we are. Isn't it amazing being able to have what you want without permission or excuse, just as a want. Then back to being. Great work I did it too, never looked or felt better at 49, it's only to late when yer dead 😁👍
Do you ever worry in case you get mangled in a car wreck someday and can't then rely on external qualities to define your worth anymore coz I think about that a lot
Your whole reason is external. Sure do the gym, but for me it is being whole just as I am. Nothing else needed. I want to look within. Your way is looking outside for you to feel good about yourself.
But what happens if you get older and / or can't work out anymore the way you used to? This is also something that won't work for everyone.
Idk if your coping strategy is as healthy as you think it is.
But what happens if you get older and / or can't work out anymore the way you used to? This is also something that won't work for everyone.
Idk if your coping strategy is as healthy as you think it is.
A welll timed vulnerability is a powerful teacher, it alows others the permission to feel.
yep i had bdd since ~7 or 8. always moving to a different body part throughout the years
There is an entire industry that profits from people feeling bad about themselves. I personally feel insecure about my height .There few things i can do like wearing high heels but still im 4ft11 so i wouldn't get any taller . I wish i was a normal height like 5ft5 or 5ft6
I went through a similar thing, and yes it just brought up all the suppressed emotions.
So timely! ❤😊
Thank you Daniel
My nose---a bully kid called my "Pinocchio" and "ski slope." Never did any cosmetic procedure. I don't really like my nose but it IS the way I was created.
What do you think about the notion of rapid self exeptance when it comes to others hurting you? I always thought it was bs and that you can't just brute force the mind into forgiving people that talked/treated ya like crap.
7:15 cluster of traumas
I have been through jaw surgery in an attempt to look better and it didn't quite work. The defeat I feel from looking in the mirror is so brutal man. I just want to fit in.
When you’re young and impressionable, the inconsiderate ways of kids of that age is to mercilessly tease their peers. It’s a rite of passage. All kids do it and have done it for as long as the dark ages. My nephew had the same thing done for the same reason. He was very happy he did.
A good video Daniel.
People should accept themselves for the ones who they are, I agree.
Thanks for sharing your story Daniel.. I remember being teased for my body as well.. and I'm ashamed to say that it GOT to me :(
I ran on the treadmill like a maniac but only lost weight in all areas except my chest an face. during all that I avoided swimming trips, beaches etc.
I even undressed in the toilet during PE class for a while until I got caught..
I ended up paying 3000 bucks to get my man-boobs removed trough chirgury because I got teased for it when I was in high-school.
it didnt change much for me either except being less self-aware i guess.. I still dont associate swimming with fun anymore .
I weigh around 70kg while being 38 years old.. I always have been super skinny since that day :(
Now im being made fun off for being skinny..
Still beats being called fat I guess
I appreciate this
It was safe for me to hate parts of myself yeah it's sad when you realize this
I wish everyone who wasn't prepared to truly love their children wouldn't reproduce, but nature has other plans. Perhaps someday in the far future when humans reach higher levels of compassion and awareness... Thank you for this very raw video. With love.
Thank you for saying, "what a load of bullshit," with regard to "a chemical imbalance in the brain."
We can hardly love ourselves so we can hardly truly love anyone or any"thing" else whether that be a person, a pet, a deity, nature, a car, etc. Some "things" open our hearts more like pets and infants (which will be less loved if at all when they get bigger!!!). We're a culture of knights with sharp dagger blades welded to our armor like porcupines. Of course we bear swords, shields and other weapons as well.
boosting the youtube algorithm
As a 5 year old, I use to be insecure about my eyelashes. I was a flamboyant little boy. Had been punished and shunned for it. I thought my eyelashes were too long and made me look feminine. I thought having long eyelashes would inspire family members to hurt me more. I remember asking my mom to cut them off. My mom is insecure about her eyebrows. She shaves them off. Remember watching her do it, the day I asked her to cut my eyelashes. She thought it was funny that I asked. She told me she would cut them. But she never did. When I started gaining weight at 10, my mind shifted to other parts of my body. My chest and stomach. Didn't think about the eyelashes anymore. Got made fun of for having a large chest. Made it harder to hide the fact that I was a little gay boy. living in a homophobic environment. Wore a jacket everyday. no matter how hot. To hide my body.
🫂 I feel you.
Wow. you're describing my experience.
I think a lot comes from society standards and what kids hear in the household. For example my relative who's dad would call her big bird cuz she was tall, her ears stuck out and teased her about that, and something about her polish nose.
Anyway she ended up growing up and getting everything fixed except the height, I think if she didn't have a father that pointed out these things she would've been more confident in her appearance overall.
Your parents must have loved you enough to recognize your pain to arrange for you to have this surgery. You have to give them credit for that…
I know this is not a political channel...but given we live in a Bizzaro world...I wonder how we went this far off the rails? To say it's disturbing is a gross understatement.
Would love to hear your thoughts on stutters and their psychological background.
Hi Colin, Well, I did make a video on speech impediments... th-cam.com/video/VG4Khi4TaeQ/w-d-xo.html Not exactly stutters, but in the same ballpark... Greetings -- Daniel
@@dmackler58 I knew my idea was a pretty good idea for your channel, but I didn't know it was so good it already happened! Thanks for sharing the link.
@@finegoldstones You're welcome!!!
9:03 I think you're 1000% correct about what causes BDD 😭 BDD is a way to scapegoat the body in order to save the psyche 💔
I really feel your story a lot because I have big ears and they stuck out and it was often told by my older brother you look like a monkey. But I also like monkeys, now that I'm older I have a big honkin schnoz. Somebody online recently said and not in a nice way that I look like Nigel thornberry😅. And to me I'm like well I guess I got to cut my nose and ears off that's it somebody called me ugly! I am not handsome, now I'm balding so I don't even have long hair to hide that fact. Whoopty Doo basil! I like when people have to see my ugly mug.
As a transgender man, ive often looked back and wondered. Why am i this way? Both of my parents spoke openly about how they found themselves "fat" "disgusting" "grotesque", wished they could have cosmetic surgery and modeled extremely low self esteem to me.
And yet, even knowing this now im in my 30s, my gender identity still remains male. Ive had almost every therapy under the sun but it seems transgenderism, for me, is simply an ingrained, immutable part of me.
But, i do get very upset when others think that im simply choosing to be this way. Because i would never choose the body dysmorphia that i experienced prior to HRT and surgery and still occasionally experience. I can actually be present in social environments, look others in the eye, instead of being trapped in dysphoria.
Hello Daniel I need to gift you my poetry book but I didn't find an email for you I have sent a comment on your blog
❤ 100%
From 8 to like 13 my dad would watch me shower and comment on my body. I was beinf told that no one would ever love me for my body. That the only good thing about me was my ass
How cute it would be if Daniel still had these big ears.
Would he be an even better listener??
13:19 thats funny
I love youuuuuuuuuuuu ❤
Did fixing your ears let you focus on your deeper trauma? My fixation of a specific part of my body is a severe problem for me.
❤❤❤
😭❤️
It seems that the root of body-shaming is body-idealizing - wishing it was different instead of just embracing it.
Are you accepting clients?
i have BDD. it has ruined my life. it is a brain wiring related illness, and there’s lots of research to support the classification of BDD as an OCD spectrum disorder. if you have BDD and get plastic surgery, your body dysmorphia will find a new perceived flaw to attack, maybe one you never thought about before. it’s how the illness works, unfortunately. only marginally societally or environmentally influenced.
I'm so sorry. I have OCD and can relate. However as I'm trying to get better I've realized two things (if it doesn't resonate no worries)
1. OCD and related illnesses might very well be caused by trauma and emotional problems despite the research not showing it. It's just a matter of how we define trauma and what research gets funding. And the quality of that research.
2. Long term stress and trauma does physically alter the brain. So while there's evidence that OCD spectrum is a brain wiring related illness, it's not straight forward whether this wiring is innate or caused by adverse experiences. I believe in many cases the latter especially can be re-wired.
I wish you had uploaded this some years ago haha..
It's politically incorrect but I believe this is the case for a lot of trans people. Probably not all of them but certainly some.
💜📚💜
I identify as Transgender and I look to young for my age
you can imagine
I hate it for you that your parents didn't do more to dissuade you from surgery and instead find ways to help you be comfortable in your own body. Insecurity about a physical feature and body dysmorphia seem very different to me though.
Wiw good vid
its totally modern penomena
Trans people are a related topic that I can't help but think about when this is brought up. I would really love to see someone like you do some research and talk about wishing to change your gender and all of the surgical and hormonal treatments these people sometimes put themselves through. Though I suspect you'd say many of the same things that you have already said in this video.
Hi Daniel!