"how do i fix myself, so people aren't so mean?" when you said that, it really summed up how masking feels. it's so exhausting, working to present as "normal" to society's standards, and to hide the parts of us that aren't neurotypical. and i am so proud of you for talking about it! you are going to help so many others watching this, that may relate to how you feel too. you are so inspiring Annie
yup. It's also the source of toxic relationships. You don't augment your body to fit the shirt - you cut that shirt to suit your needs - or you go get a new shirt.
You do realize autistic people can be mean as well? Having autism doesn't mean you're a different creature than a human being. It means you have a physical difference than humans that use the label normal. Mean people are mean to people even if they don't have autism.
Same also! Thank you to Jessica and to you, Annie. This video is so helpful. I feel greatly supported in your affirmation that self diagnosis is legitimate and that access to professional diagnoses is indeed a privilege. This made me feel so understood and accepted. ❤️ I feel validated by you and it is so needed and appreciated. Thank you.
also YES HELLO YOU ARE GREAT, I AM VERY LUCKY TO BE YOUR FRIEND! I talk about you and the other disney buddies so much my dad legit remembers who you are when i mention you by name and i'm pretty sure now watches your videos because i've been like "annie is so great" so often xx
@@theannieelainey for some weird reason I only found this particular video now, even though I have been watching your channel for ages. Am only at 2 minutes and change, and already going "Were we secret twins in (especially primary & middle) school?" Solidarity fist bump! Bullying in school is real trauma and a beast to deal with. Thank you for all that you do and best of luck with continuing your good work! ❤️ (heart) Added: #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyADHD
When I was 5ish my mom had me tested for autism and the dr straight up told her that "autism is a boys disease" and turned her away. Literally everyone in my family including me thinks I'm autistic af but where I live an official diagnosis means that anyone could have me institutionalized at any time without even getting a court order for it so no thanks. My parents figured out I was autistic because my dad worked professionally in a mental hospital/school for kids who were "low functioning". He was horrified by much of what he saw in there and so none of us are actually pushing to get diagnosed with autism anymore. It's just kind of a thing we've all just accepted and not really pushing to officially recognize it for safety purposes. Doesn't change the fact that I'm definitely autistic.
That sounds so, so wrong. In which country are you? I just... I can't even imagine being in that situation. Maybe the "boy's disease" bit, but not the rest
@жансу роза bold of you to assume anyone in position of hiring/schooling will willingly give accommodations to someone just cuz they need it. It's a lot easier to just look the other way and hire someone else /stick us into the special ed class that does nothing all year.
@@nunyabusiness3738 people do hire autistic people. Swing statements are wrong. I saw a video where a young woman with autism wanted to be a pilot and thought it was discrimination that she couldn't.
I always feel in this constant battle of validation where I feel too "functional" to be autistic and have heavy impostor syndrome but also feel so isolated when I exhibit my traits because I've built this version of myself that is so exhausting to maintain but have boxed myself into. Masking for your whole life feels like "coming out" with how you actually feel and perceive the world is either a betrayal or a lie, like somehow you will be seen as ignorant for even saying that you could be on the spectrum or all of a sudden you are put into a category and that's all people see of you. I feel strong and confident on good days, and feel like I can never live up to the expectation I have set for myself on bad days; and the wall that gets built because of this is so thick, it feels almost impossible to open up to people about it, and even the people who care the most about you don't understand, and it so lonely. Long story short, this video is the closest I have found that I really relate to, and makes me feel more valid and less like an impostor.
I'm in a similar boat as you. To be honest, I never considered that I could be autistic. I've always wondered what was wrong with me, and have always had a sense of "otherness" from others, but it wasn't until a friend, who is an autistic woman, asked me if I was that I realized there might be a possibility. But at first I ended up talking myself out of it, because I was worried I was jumping at the chance to have an explanation for what's "wrong" with me and because I felt like I was too good socially and didn't have some of the childhood isolation issues that others seemed to have. But after reading a few articles, and watching with video, I'm suddenly seeing confusing memories "click" and make sense. Also... while I feel like I am good at understanding/knowing people are emotions, that doesn't apply when it comes to my relations with people (or myself, I've been struggling a lot lately because i feel like I don't have an actual personality, just fake personas). I don't understand how to make friends and keep them (despite having social circles as a child), I've always doubted how people feel or think about me, I've never understood what is so weird about the things I enjoy or that make me happy but makes people look at me weird/treat me differently, and being autistic might make the issues I've had with my partner make a LOT of sense (because he doesn't communicate/emote like other people do, and so all the social cues and facial expressions I am used to reading suddenly aren't present). I'm still not 100% sure, and idk if I will ever be able to afford to get testing. But I'm more open to the possibility now, and will try to be more forgiving to myself for my struggles with being a "human".
@@merrin1341 this is so similar to my story too! I argued with doctors for a long time that I wasn't "just anxious" and I never considered autism because I felt too "socially function" and just thought I had social anxiety. I saved up for a psychologist diagnosis who then brought it up and it just made my whole life make sense. I also struggle with feeling real sometimes, like I don't know who I actually am anymore.
I'm an adult with severe social anxiety and I've been putting off filling out the assessment questionnaire for autism diagnosis for months. The assessment is a scary idea in itself. Thank you for sharing your story, I feel less alone.
I’m self diagnosed as autistic and so far I’ve only told my mom & my sister. My therapist agrees with me but we’re not sure if it’s worth an assessment or not and it’s pretty expensive. I really appreciate you speaking out it’s stories like this from AFAB people and autistic people who presented differently or who were socialized to mask is what made me realize I’m probably autistic.
ANNIE i'm literally crying 💕💕💕💕 i've had a few really bad days because nobody will accept my autism diagnosis and this feels like a sign, you, one of my favourite people on the internet...oh my god i already feel so much less alone
I was diagnosed last month!!!!!!! I'm so glad you feel comfortable talking about it!!!! I'm FTM and omg I was literally laughed out of doctors offices and left crying multiple times by male doctors who refused to listen to me!!
I had a good laugh at the "How are you?" anxiety, I hate this 'water cooler talk' so much. I want to tell the truth, and I want to know how people are really feeling. I relate a lot about the social anxiety side of autism, thank you for opening up and for this really instructive video!
Hey I am autistic too, and I’ve been subconsciously masking for forever, and I am terrified to even try to let it down, I don’t even know if I can, in front of people. It’s so exhausting to be around people, I feel broken if I am myself, people look at me weird and treat me weird, because I am myself. I trust way too much and I am often let down and abused, by people. I get the info dump thing and the fatigue thing too, there is just no energy to inflect, and it’s really hard. For me when I don’t know what the right thing to say is, I always just say okay or good good, and I know that people will take that as me not caring. I relate to a lot of this, you are worthwhile and I appreciate you.
Thank you for your vulnerability! I have many, many things in common with your story. I just started with a new therapist and when she asked if I felt my ADHD diagnosis was accurate I paused: 1) I was pleasantly surprised by the question, and 2) I'm 80% sure I have ASD, largely because of people like you who are able to communicate your experiences.
Me, an Aspie: Thinks I am too good at masking, never revealed my diagnosis at work, clearly I am so awesome at faking social stuffs, is always exhausted by the masking and often melt down by the time I get home Lady at work: I watched this video about Asperger dating that reminded me of you! Yeah. I have given up on trying to human correctly. My brother was probably on the spectrum. We also exhibited very different traits. We are all so different, and to think that factors like gender, race, and culture don't play a part in how autism is expressed is ridiculous. Thank you for this video. Awesome stuff.
Why are you calling yourself aspie? I’m only curious because my little sister has ASD and she says only people who pretend to have aspergers say that...
@@pinkqueenscookie it isn't for others to police the validity of self diagnosis or not. That's hella rude and how many of us started our journey to understanding ourselves. But I am diagnosed and the term "Aspie" has been commonly used for some time now. Some people prefer Aspergian or other variations. Or they prefer to simply go by Autustic. But universally we get pretty irritated by neurotypical people trying to police us. I'm sure your sibling can vouch for that as well.
Is pretending to be autistic even a thing? And if so, why? How would one "mask" as autistic? The idea is kind of interesting to think about even if the motivation is confusing. How would you have enough social models to look autistic without mimicking too small of a sample size to really get it? And how do you mimic a population that has to mimic you in order to get by socially? Sounds exhausting.
Nicole Meil um it is. You can’t self diagnose yourself with Autism, (it is an actual neurological and developmental disorder, not just a feeling) just like people can’t say they have anything else. Relating to something doesn’t mean you are. And yes, Autism has gained a lot of popularity. Videos like this are a dime a dozen and some people are pretending. There are very sick people who think being autistic is someone a cool trend. We can see this with the numerous shows too, it’s not just about awareness.
I don’t think I’d realised how much I mask on a daily basis - even with people I trust - until I watched this. A lot of the childhood stuff you talked about was SO similar to my experiences, I can’t tell you how validating this was. I might have to show this video to people in future to explain what it was like for me. Thanks so much for posting this.
I'm not autistic, but I have ADD and I'm only now in the process of diagnosing (I'm 24), but everything you talked about resonated with me so much and really made me feel seen, so thank you! ADD/ADHD has the similar stigma of being thought to be more of a disease for young boys. I was also pretty good at school my whole childhood and didn't have the hyperactivity, so no one even suspected I had ADD. People just thought I was lazy, irresponsible and uncaring. Before this video I didn't know masking was a thing that had a name, but that's definitely what I've been doing this whole time. And when I developed anxiety in college where the responsibilities became overwhelming, I masked it too. And I'm definitely doing it too well. Everyone now has expectations that I can function like a normal person and I'm terrified of telling them about (somehow especially) my anxiety and ADD because I'm afraid they don't believe me and question me and then I have to tell them about all my symptoms, which is painful. I'm just so glad you made this video because I definitely feel a lot less alone and like imposer. Thank you!!
Thank you for using identity first language 💕 I was dx’d P.D.D autism in childhood and E.D.S *col5a2 classical type* in adulthood its interesting how much overlap there is with so many zebras also being autistic I hope we eventually see more research on it!
"How do I fix myself so people aren't___" has been a lifelong struggle for me, a constant battle of masking and hypervigilance and fear of saying the wrong thing in the wrong tone, or saying it for too long or not enough, being too specific or not specific enough and feeling as if I am - no matter what - an annoyance, a bad, broken human, a failure and not fit to do anything but disappoint people. This whole video resonates so hard with me I cried all the way through it.
I just started my channel as an autistic! I title my videos with autistic in them in hopes that other autistic adults will find them! Thank you for sharing your story! Being vulnerable is a strength, embrace it whenever you can !
My immediate response was that I genuinely thought you had already publicly said you’re autistic? Lol but I appreciate you making this video and being vulnerable about your experiences with ableism.
I could easily hear myself speaking these words. This is how I’ve felt, it’s like having my life read back to me. Thank you for sharing. Also, I love the aesthetic of that room.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 Thank you for opening up about this! It touches me to the core. I relate to so many of the feelings you talk about. I’m on my own self diagnosis journey and hope to receive official diagnosis so I don’t feel like an imposter anymore but have anxiety about the biases I may face as a female.I already followed you on Instagram a while go. I was so pleasantly surprised to see you in Jessica’s video about autism tropes. It makes me so happy to see another person in the sphere of the internet I follow is like me! Thank you for contributing real representation. I hope you’re ability to talk about it shows strength in acceptance of yourself and I hope being more open helps you on your journey 💕 I’m a new subscriber now and am so here for this!
Everything you are saying is literally my experience and feelings. I’ve masked do so long I don’t know who the “real” me is. It’s all tangled together because I even mask by myself due to internalized fear that someone would see. When you said “humaning” I FELT that because I “pretend” to be human when I feel like a poorly built robot. All solidarity and love to you ❤️
I'm in tears! You are narrating my life. In recent years, I have only understood the number of adaptation/masking skills I have created to hide all "the things." I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I masked so much through my childhood and a 21-year military career. I have tried so many times to explain this to people who care about me. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. You have helped me so much!!!!!!
Watching this is literally sending me back to my childhood. These conversations are important to have and no one I've watched so far has summed it up as well as you. These things are hard to talk about, you should be proud! Just this video is helping so many people, I can already tell.
Thank you thank you thank you! I felt so seen watching this. I've been considering that I might be autistic for a while now, and seeing this helped ease some of my anxiety and quiet down the impostor syndrome and it just helps so much. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story Annie! I’m also a nonbinary bean with anxiety who has come to terms with the fact that I’m autistic since my EDS diagnosis. This video made me feel so much less alone, and I’m sure other people feel the same way. It probably took a lot of scripting and planning and bravery to post this, but I’m incredibly grateful that you did. You’ve encouraged me to be more open about my autism & support needs online, even without a formal diagnosis.
I am so astounded by how much I related to everything you've said. Thank you, I'm gathering my bravery for seeking a diagnosis. I get a lot of anxiety thinking I wont be believed, or that I won't express myself in a way that others can understand. Thank you for helping me find my words.
I feel like the universe is calling me out rn Thank you so much for sharing this Annie 💜 A few months ago I had a friend suggest I may be autistic, I then did a deep dive into learning about the gender&research stuff, which was basically a month of repeatedly breaking down and experiencing grief and denial and it was rough. I reached out to a therapist who specialises in autism but freaked out after the consultation and totally ghosted her 🙃 It's been a couple of months now and I'm still in denial but I've been actively using information I've learnt from autistic people in order to manage better day to day, and it's helping. I feel like you almost directly explained my experiences though, and I'm literally crashed out on the sofa with a massive headache rn after a 2.5 hour call where I could feel myself masking again - I live alone so this pandemic has made socialising and masking evolve into this whole other new thing I'm struggling to figure out. Please please please share more about this 💜 I'm trying so hard to not gaslight myself about my experiences and the potential of being autistic, and hearing people's experiences that I can relate to (especially cause I relate to you on so many levels) is more helpful than I can express.
Oh my goodness, sorry for additional comment but I totally get the becoming isolated and then getting much much worse at masking! This happened to me when I got sick and just stopped seeing people and my anxiety is so Fucking overwhelming whenever doing the smallest social contact now. It sucks.
When you said when people ask "How are you" and you go into a extensional crisis thats so real for me too. I actually mean like how are you feeling, not just some script that society taught us to use. And when people dont truly say how they feel still bugs me and is confusing. Thank you for your words - you have been a mirror for me and I feel this is confirmation that I am also on the spectrum
i don't know how/why this got suggested to me but i'm so glad it did!! i have an autistic partner, and they realized that they were autistic later in life. i love them more than anything, and it's really great for us to learn about the different ways it presents. it brings them a lot of peace just identifying what's going on with them. subscribed, thank you for this video! it was amazing
Hi Annie. I also have EDS, POTS/dysautonomia, chronic fatigue, chronic pain, anxiety disorder, and autism (all VERY late diagnosed)! I'm a medical professional and, even so, it was so hard to find my diagnoses! I honestly don't know if I'd have most of them if I hadn't self-diagnosed first to be able to push for very specific testing to be done. I see a lot of myself in a lot of your videos. Sorry for the unasked-for advice, but have you ever tried watching people's mouths instead of their eyes when you're talking to them? It's what I do...no idea if it would work for other people. Eye contact is too painful to the point of being a complete distraction where I can't listen to someone talk and eventually I just break down if I can't avoid gaze after awhile. Watching people's mouths helps my auditory processing disorder to SEE what they're saying, (like lip-reading) and people usually just notice that you're looking at their faces...they don't necessarily notice you aren't looking RIGHT in their eyes.
This is the first video I've watched of yours after watching Jessica's video on autism, and WOW I relate so much to your experiences. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing 🙏
Thank you so much for sharing this, I've struggled a long time to feel valid, but you've voice exactly how I feel and what I did for YEARS (I'm in my 40s). Especially, "psychology and social etiquette became my special interest." Thank you again for sharing this.
Thank you for being open and this video. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my early 30s. I'm 37 now. It answered a lot for me which was great, but also now realising how abelist and far we have to go in autistic/disability rights. Thank you so much for the video. Oh yes masking yikes. Exhausting and yes I have that worry too about being human. I've got massive anxiety too. Oh god I feel you, about the worthless spiral. I mask it too anxiety and yes it's a catch 22 to mask. I live a quieter life in that try to manage energy in life I find it harder now than when l was younger and so I don't burn out or have a break down. I really felt this video and felt seen and so well understood. This is exactly how I feel.Yep sesitive to social interaction that's one hits the hardest for me. Thanks for articulating your journey it really, really resonated with me.
Thank you for this video. It was a little painful to watch, but also comforting. Especially the part about friends who support and understand and accomodate you -- those are the best kinds of friends. I've had friends like that in the past (more friends NOT like that) and it gives me hope that I'll find more people like that in the future.
Thanks for making this video. It really is helpful for people who are not autistic or who don't understand much about autism to better understand it and become better allies!
This video nearly made me cry. I feel so seen and relate so much. Thank you, Annie. I want to write a more in depth comment later with a few questions for your q&a after I process everything, but just wanted to say thanks. 💕
Thank you so much for this video, I'm an autistic afab enby person, who also has EDS and a couple of autoimmune diseases, so I felt like you're talking about me too. I began searching for community a couple of months ago and it's made everything so much better. I'm considering getting a formal diagnose for autism, but I'm afraid I've masked so well I won't be diagnosed. I feel it will do more harm than good, especially after 32 years of being gaslighted by a family of medical professionals. Anyway, thank you so much for this video, I send you tons of love, understanding and food of textures you like! (I'm a crunchy kind of person)
I love crunchy (when its supposed to be there and I expect it! I CANNOT handle an unexpected eggshell in scrambled eggs!! 😫)! Crunching on thawed ice cubes is one of my stims 😬😬😬
same. in almost every aspect. working on getting a diagnosis since the start of the year. turning 30 in september. listening to you revealing your story and experience made me tear up like on many similar occasions before. thank you
I'm on a quite similar journey. Waiting for both ASD and EDS assessments. It's been quite a lot, it all come rolling the past few months, all at once. It's great to hear stories like yours! Thanks for sharing =)
Another way you can respond to how are you: Just say "I'm Awesome!". Because even if you're not feeling awesome, the saying is still true; you are awesome. So there's no lie 😂💜
You've just summed up my life so eloquently! Thank you for sharing your story. It really means a lot to hear the experiences of other autistic people. I was only diagnosed a year ago (at the age of 42) so a lifetime of doubting myself and feeling like a failure is really engrained, just as you articulated so well.
Wonderful video! Many of your experiences reminded me of some of my own and made me cry. The info dumping and not being able to stop yourself even if you do recognize someone is getting annoyed with you is a big thing I deal with too. I had somebody say to me once years ago, “If a thought comes into your head and won’t add to the conversation, then just let it go instead of talking about it.” I was crushed, in tears all that afternoon and barely spoke for two days even to my family and my depression spiraled. It was awful and definitely took me back to all the “you’re too much” comments I got in school. It’s hard for people who have never been there to understand it or how draining the masking truly is, especially on top of chronic pain :(
Looking forward to hearing more! This question (as well as the ADHD one) has been on my mind (re: myself) for a few years. My sibling is also autistic and intellectually disabled, diagnosed very young, and my idea of what autism is has definitely been shaped by what was recognized as being autism in the 90s (a very narrow view). It’s so confusing with my other conditions though... Neither I nor the professionals I’ve worked with have known how to untangle it all. I don’t have friends who’ve been diagnosed or who have a really good handle on what autism is (some who suspect it’s a possibility for them but also have these complex sets of conditions that seem impossible to tease apart). And I feel so lost when others who seem more like me (rather than like my sibling) talk about being autistic and figuring it out at an older age, and I just have no idea where to find the information I need to begin assessing for myself.
I was subscribed on a different account, and I just wanted to say I love all of your content. But this video made me cry. I wasn’t diagnosed ASD until I was 28 when I went in and also got diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and I have ADHD and cerebral palsy. I remember going in and trying to tell someone I think I have autism, and they straight up told me that I couldn’t because I’m so well spoken and convert people in the eye and I seem to have really good social skills. What they fail to realize is that it took so much effort for me to do that, that sometimes by the end of the day all I could do was lay down and stare at the ceiling. Thank you for sharing your story! Please, please keep going. Much love!
i really appreciate you talking abt this bc i heavily relate and i think its important that your followers who know your sister is autistic see two different presentatons of autism and know that theres a lot of diversity.
A friend just sent me this because I recently told her I definitely think I'm autistic...and I'm in tears because so much of what you have said lines up with how I'm feeling and what my experience has been...that I never understood through an autistic lens. Thank you
i’ve.. never related to someone so much .... i’ve been reflecting on these feelings and what that would mean for my future, looking into getting diagnosed, but i think the main thing is me becoming obsessed with realizing theres people who relate to me. i want to thank you for sharing, this made my day to know i’m not alone
I so relate with the people "studying". I loved reading teenage advice columns when I was younger, I realise now that I took a lot of the behaviours and literal scripts they provide in those magazines and applied them to my own social interactions. And yes "How are you?" always gets me too. Thank you for making this video, it's really brave of you to speak about a part of you that you felt you had to hide in the past. :)
i was crying while i watched this. ive recently started to realise i have so many autistic traits but i felt bad claiming i was autistic- i still do since ive never been officially diagnosed, but you described so many things ive gone through and still am, and it made me feel so much better. i get bad imposter syndrome because i feel like im faking everything and that i cant be autistic since ive never been diagnosed. I just wanna thank you and every other disabled/autistic creator for helping and teaching people
Thank you for posting this! I will be tested for autism in two days. I am honestly terrified because I too am very good at masking which makes me seem social and very able to function. Over all it seems that females also do not get diagnosed with autism very often. It makes me scared that they won't take me seriously and see what is really hiding behind te mask, because I am very certain I am autistic. So thank you for sharing your story and making me feel like I am not alone ❤
I appreciate your vulnerability here ❤️ Im a brown hEDS austistic queerdo 💕 feel a lot of kinship with the experiences you’ve shared. Idk if you’re on fb, but we have a group for autistic IBPOC that’s been really wonderful. DM if you want the exact name. and a tip for “I don’t know what that is”: it sounds like you’re using a script from someone who has used that phrase toxicly/abusively. try and find vids of someone saying that phrase genuinely, or find a new script to express that feeling/thought ❤️
I really appreciate you talking about the rejection-sensitivity thing. I don't THINK I'm autistic, but I also am definitely not fully neuro-typical. I have ADHD and auditory processing disorder, and it never occurred to me that rejection sensitivity might be related! I wish there were amazing holistic providers that were accessible everywhere to help us make these connections, but since there aren't, I am so grateful to the spoonie community for sharing some of the associations they've noticed or been advised about by a professional.
It’s interesting hearing someone else talk about many of the issues I have/had. The difference is that 1. I don’t have a chronic illness(and do not consider myself disabled) and 2. I was diagnosed at a young age.
You are still beautiful Annie your awesome no matter what anyone says love you Annie your perfect the way you are I have only was recently diagnosed with autism and finally my life makes sense
You are amazing. Congrats on your announcement. Appreciate you doing that. So much of what you say about your experience as autistic and masking resonates with my lived experience. I've also been diagnosed as autistic with a Generalised Anxiety Disorder (which has lowered a lot post diagnosis and with COVID)
hey!! i just wanted to say that i am also an autistic person with eds!!! it's like you were describing my ENTIRE LIFE back to me in this video, thank you for telling this story, it was INCREDIBLY affirming
I want to thank you for your openness, it sure helps a lot of undiagnosed asd people, like me, or better saying, especially like me. It is really hard to find anyone talking about autism in my country, it is really hard to find ways to proceed with a doctor when there is no one talking about it. I have both hipersensitivety with sounds/crowded spaces/light/colors and alexithymia which can make really hard for me to understand my emotions and translate them to others. When I am overloaded with information I first notice physical pain, then (after hours, days or even mouths) I realize I have been exposed to too much. Sometimes, I have full meltdowns, I throw up without being able to eat anything at all, or I sleep for days, barely been awake for more than 5 hours, before I'm able to understand that I need to preserve myself from something or someone. So I thank you for making me believe and reassuring my autism to myself.
Your video really inspired me to learn more about autism. I hope to study the field of education so I can make a difference in education and make it so that every person feels welcome, represented and acommodated for, no matter their mental/physical health, sexuality, gender or ethnicity. When you explained how tiring masking is, I realized even more how important it is to have people, students and teachers, learn more about diverse people. Because I think everyone who isn't like "the norm" knows how it feels to pretend and knows how tiring it can be. I myself have had depression and still deal with dissociative symptoms sometimes and I know how hard, almost impossible, it is to fake being exited, or even have a normal conversation when your just so tired. I can't imagine what it like to have to do that all the time. But I also know that if people in the environment are taught about these things, how much easier it makes everything. It doesn't make the thing go away, but at least you don't have to tire yourself out even more to keep up the appearance of a "normal" person. So I hope to learn as much as I can about as many people as I can so I can make policies and material to make schools a more inclusive environment. That way it is set up for a more diverse group of people to thrive and educates kids who don't experience a certain reality to be more open-minded, thoughtful and set up with the knowledge and experience to help others.
Annie, thank you. I'm 73. Six, maybe 7 months ago now I discovered I am autistic. I'm a writer so once the shock calmed, I wrote about it, a 16 1/2-page article which I thought a pretty interesting case study, looking at nurturing and neurodiversity. Writing helped. But then, months later, still not 'out' yet publicly, I realized I'd only just begun with my processing (heck yeah, after 68 years of extremely effective masking), so just a few days ago I began my grieving for the autistic child, girl, self-aware wom I missed/lost of all those years. Your video came to me, randomly, as I wasn't ready yet this morning to dive into the emotions again, at least not till after I ate my bagel the way I like it, broiled with butter and garlic chunks. I am ready to get on with my processing now but first wanted to thank you for your openness. I've taken notes to remind myself, I am not alone in this. Some of your descriptions, your wording, your clarifications give me more spots to sit with as they feel so familiar, just not taking full shape in my understanding yet. I am one of those without the privilege to be able to get help in therapy. Years ago I was in therapy but the very kind wom then totally missed what seems to me now so obvious. I hope today that more tears come. 'I never cry' is something I've always said about myself, something I want to change. Yesterday a few tears came. I am aware that the many things that could be/feel so much better in my body are related to alllll I've held in and pretended against these many decades. Thanks! I'll be checking in on more of your videos. You might enjoy mine too ~ for a laugh. I didn't at all realize, until I wrote my article on being autistic, that I had started making selfie dance videos, not only to let up on my perfectionist self (setting parameters of wearing whatever was at hand, making the videos beginning to end within 24 hours so I couldn't obsess over it - until I got so fascinated with the filming that later on I allowed myelf 2 days to be able to spend more time 'playing' in the process) ... I HAD to make those videos, and got to watch them offline in copies I'd saved, Even Though my kids and family members pretty much pooh poohed my making, because I needed to be able to SEE my inner self more. And those were a number to several years before I even whispered the word autistic to myself. "Info dump" is a new term to me. Ha!! I hope you get my joke; I've just noticed, or wondered, is that what I've just done? ;-) Thanks again, Sparky aka E. Sandy Powell www.esandypowell.com or my youtube channel with the same name
Thank you for putting this into words. I especially relate to the "having to prove them wrong" part. I am working on it but I still feel so much as if I have to be twice as good at everything to basically "reclaim" my non existing worth through being autistic, and its so harmful for me.
I knew I liked you! I'm Autistic and I always seem to get on better with ND folks! I'm also chronically ill, mentally ill, multiply disabled, queer, nonbinary, etc. So obvs I was drawn to your channel for acceptance and of course solidarity for the ones we have in common. Congrats on coming out publicly as Autistic!
im autistic as well, very well practiced in masking my autistic & anxiety traits, & i wasnt diagnosed until i sought it out myself as an adult. this video is so relatable for so many reasons and i rly appreciate hearing stories from other lgbtq autistic folks! definitely makes me feel less alone and more connected to my community, thank you sm for sharing ❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing your experiences! As an afab person who grew up with a brother on the spectrum, I noticed similarities in our symptoms around the teen years and began looking back and realizing that the same was true for early childhood as well. However, my brother was badly bullied for his autistic traits when we were young, so I quickly had to learn to stick up for him and mask my own traits for both of our benefits. This compounded with adults never believing me when I told them of my struggles and symptoms, led to my brother being diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, Depression, SAD, and later Aspergers while I had very similar symptoms but was never so much as evaluated. I’ve taken the online tests based off the diagnostic criteria and always scored very highly on autistic traits, but I doubt I will ever be able to pursue a formal diagnosis which sucks because I do feel it could really help me.
That was... a lot. I’m learning from you and JKF how to relate to, and empathize with, people with differences. While I have no doubt that people with similar issues are incredibly grateful for the representation you provide; I am also incredibly grateful for opportunity to understand better. Thank you for being so open.
Despite not having autism, I can relate to so much of what you said in this video. I have osteogenesis imperfecta, oddly enough a related collagen disorder to EDS. I have chronic pain but rarely show it to my friends and colleagues. Even with my own immediate family I don’t always talk or show that I’m in pain to them, unless I need their help. I also have anxiety in social situations that I don’t think most people realize because I work really hard at acting confident and in control of situations. But it’s exhausting! I don’t think most people realize how much of a toll it is mentally and physically to overcome chronic pain and anxiety on a daily basis. Or how socially isolating these conditions are. Thank you for speaking up.
I experience all of these things and more thank you so much for helping me articulate my experiences that's invaluable to me thank you so much for being vulnerable with us! I wish I had a support system like yours.
As someone who's grown up with an autism diagnosis and received all the real-life & academic accommodations that go along with that, I get SO heated over that fact that so many are denied diagnosis. It's literally a direct barrier to happiness, success, and self-sufficiency. If I'd had to get through school or university without the benefit of my needs being understood, I'm not sure I would have made it. I CERTAINLY would not have graduated early, no matter how much I might love studying. Without extra time to put my thoughts together in silent/undisturbed solitude, the thoughts won't get out. "Functioning" looks different on everybody, but by refusing diagnosis and appropriate accommodation, the possibility of doing so diminishes. Autistic people have a right to THRIVE as we are, not just survive by the skin of our teeth. I'm sorry that your diagnosis came so late for you, and I mourn the many opportunities that you were denied because of this. Still, you have a future ahead of you that now looks just a bit brighter by understanding yourself more. I am equalparts angry and happy for you. Keep going, Annie
Thank you so much, you have just describe my 14 yr old daughter 😢 I wish I knew how to help her. I see how much she is struggling and it breaks my heart.
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"how do i fix myself, so people aren't so mean?"
when you said that, it really summed up how masking feels. it's so exhausting, working to present as "normal" to society's standards, and to hide the parts of us that aren't neurotypical.
and i am so proud of you for talking about it! you are going to help so many others watching this, that may relate to how you feel too. you are so inspiring Annie
❤🙏
yup. It's also the source of toxic relationships. You don't augment your body to fit the shirt - you cut that shirt to suit your needs - or you go get a new shirt.
OMG! The question is: how to unmask in order to live an anxiety free life? Subscribed!
I mask but am not that good at it. People ask me why I am so nervous.
You do realize autistic people can be mean as well? Having autism doesn't mean you're a different creature than a human being. It means you have a physical difference than humans that use the label normal. Mean people are mean to people even if they don't have autism.
I was today years old when I found out you can say the exact same words and depending on tone people will assume you mean different things. I'm 34.
Oh YEAH. That was a rough lesson. Acting classes really helped me with understanding things like that!
Just been directed here by Jessica K-F and am really happy to have found representation
same as me
Same also! Thank you to Jessica and to you, Annie. This video is so helpful. I feel greatly supported in your affirmation that self diagnosis is legitimate and that access to professional diagnoses is indeed a privilege. This made me feel so understood and accepted. ❤️ I feel validated by you and it is so needed and appreciated. Thank you.
Was just diagnosed at 31 a few months ago - trauma is the correct term
Same here. I just came from her channel too :)
Same! 💗
you are such a babe annie, this video is going to be so helpful and comforting and useful for so many people
also YES HELLO YOU ARE GREAT, I AM VERY LUCKY TO BE YOUR FRIEND! I talk about you and the other disney buddies so much my dad legit remembers who you are when i mention you by name and i'm pretty sure now watches your videos because i've been like "annie is so great" so often xx
LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! ❤️🙏
@@theannieelainey for some weird reason I only found this particular video now, even though I have been watching your channel for ages. Am only at 2 minutes and change, and already going "Were we secret twins in (especially primary & middle) school?"
Solidarity fist bump! Bullying in school is real trauma and a beast to deal with.
Thank you for all that you do and best of luck with continuing your good work! ❤️ (heart)
Added: #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyADHD
When I was 5ish my mom had me tested for autism and the dr straight up told her that "autism is a boys disease" and turned her away. Literally everyone in my family including me thinks I'm autistic af but where I live an official diagnosis means that anyone could have me institutionalized at any time without even getting a court order for it so no thanks. My parents figured out I was autistic because my dad worked professionally in a mental hospital/school for kids who were "low functioning". He was horrified by much of what he saw in there and so none of us are actually pushing to get diagnosed with autism anymore. It's just kind of a thing we've all just accepted and not really pushing to officially recognize it for safety purposes. Doesn't change the fact that I'm definitely autistic.
That sounds so, so wrong. In which country are you? I just... I can't even imagine being in that situation. Maybe the "boy's disease" bit, but not the rest
Everyone knows I have it but I can't get diagnosed because it will stunt my ability to get jobs and go to schools
@жансу роза bold of you to assume anyone in position of hiring/schooling will willingly give accommodations to someone just cuz they need it. It's a lot easier to just look the other way and hire someone else /stick us into the special ed class that does nothing all year.
@жансу роза because no one will employ someone with autism because of the stigma around it it just makes it harder to live life
@@nunyabusiness3738 people do hire autistic people. Swing statements are wrong. I saw a video where a young woman with autism wanted to be a pilot and thought it was discrimination that she couldn't.
I always feel in this constant battle of validation where I feel too "functional" to be autistic and have heavy impostor syndrome but also feel so isolated when I exhibit my traits because I've built this version of myself that is so exhausting to maintain but have boxed myself into. Masking for your whole life feels like "coming out" with how you actually feel and perceive the world is either a betrayal or a lie, like somehow you will be seen as ignorant for even saying that you could be on the spectrum or all of a sudden you are put into a category and that's all people see of you. I feel strong and confident on good days, and feel like I can never live up to the expectation I have set for myself on bad days; and the wall that gets built because of this is so thick, it feels almost impossible to open up to people about it, and even the people who care the most about you don't understand, and it so lonely.
Long story short, this video is the closest I have found that I really relate to, and makes me feel more valid and less like an impostor.
🙏🙏🙏🙏
I'm in a similar boat as you. To be honest, I never considered that I could be autistic. I've always wondered what was wrong with me, and have always had a sense of "otherness" from others, but it wasn't until a friend, who is an autistic woman, asked me if I was that I realized there might be a possibility. But at first I ended up talking myself out of it, because I was worried I was jumping at the chance to have an explanation for what's "wrong" with me and because I felt like I was too good socially and didn't have some of the childhood isolation issues that others seemed to have. But after reading a few articles, and watching with video, I'm suddenly seeing confusing memories "click" and make sense. Also... while I feel like I am good at understanding/knowing people are emotions, that doesn't apply when it comes to my relations with people (or myself, I've been struggling a lot lately because i feel like I don't have an actual personality, just fake personas). I don't understand how to make friends and keep them (despite having social circles as a child), I've always doubted how people feel or think about me, I've never understood what is so weird about the things I enjoy or that make me happy but makes people look at me weird/treat me differently, and being autistic might make the issues I've had with my partner make a LOT of sense (because he doesn't communicate/emote like other people do, and so all the social cues and facial expressions I am used to reading suddenly aren't present). I'm still not 100% sure, and idk if I will ever be able to afford to get testing. But I'm more open to the possibility now, and will try to be more forgiving to myself for my struggles with being a "human".
@@merrin1341 this is so similar to my story too! I argued with doctors for a long time that I wasn't "just anxious" and I never considered autism because I felt too "socially function" and just thought I had social anxiety. I saved up for a psychologist diagnosis who then brought it up and it just made my whole life make sense. I also struggle with feeling real sometimes, like I don't know who I actually am anymore.
Same. :(
I'm an adult with severe social anxiety and I've been putting off filling out the assessment questionnaire for autism diagnosis for months. The assessment is a scary idea in itself. Thank you for sharing your story, I feel less alone.
good luck! (trying not to project flat affect but words...?)
Victoria Brain I’ve been put on the waiting list! I finally found the strength to do it T_T
@@jlam5737 well done! stay strong
I’m self diagnosed as autistic and so far I’ve only told my mom & my sister. My therapist agrees with me but we’re not sure if it’s worth an assessment or not and it’s pretty expensive. I really appreciate you speaking out it’s stories like this from AFAB people and autistic people who presented differently or who were socialized to mask is what made me realize I’m probably autistic.
ANNIE i'm literally crying 💕💕💕💕 i've had a few really bad days because nobody will accept my autism diagnosis and this feels like a sign, you, one of my favourite people on the internet...oh my god i already feel so much less alone
✨✨❤️❤️
sending you a big hug 💛💛💛
Yo! I think you're awesome, and valid, and I support you
❤️❤️❤️❤️!!!
you are valid, i have been there with people not accepting my diagnosis and relate
I was diagnosed last month!!!!!!! I'm so glad you feel comfortable talking about it!!!! I'm FTM and omg I was literally laughed out of doctors offices and left crying multiple times by male doctors who refused to listen to me!!
I had a good laugh at the "How are you?" anxiety, I hate this 'water cooler talk' so much. I want to tell the truth, and I want to know how people are really feeling. I relate a lot about the social anxiety side of autism, thank you for opening up and for this really instructive video!
I really relate to this, thank you so much for sharing.
I recently learned that I have autism and it has been such life altering information that I am so so grateful for.
Hey I am autistic too, and I’ve been subconsciously masking for forever, and I am terrified to even try to let it down, I don’t even know if I can, in front of people. It’s so exhausting to be around people, I feel broken if I am myself, people look at me weird and treat me weird, because I am myself. I trust way too much and I am often let down and abused, by people. I get the info dump thing and the fatigue thing too, there is just no energy to inflect, and it’s really hard. For me when I don’t know what the right thing to say is, I always just say okay or good good, and I know that people will take that as me not caring. I relate to a lot of this, you are worthwhile and I appreciate you.
Thank you for your vulnerability! I have many, many things in common with your story. I just started with a new therapist and when she asked if I felt my ADHD diagnosis was accurate I paused: 1) I was pleasantly surprised by the question, and 2) I'm 80% sure I have ASD, largely because of people like you who are able to communicate your experiences.
Me, an Aspie: Thinks I am too good at masking, never revealed my diagnosis at work, clearly I am so awesome at faking social stuffs, is always exhausted by the masking and often melt down by the time I get home
Lady at work: I watched this video about Asperger dating that reminded me of you!
Yeah. I have given up on trying to human correctly.
My brother was probably on the spectrum. We also exhibited very different traits. We are all so different, and to think that factors like gender, race, and culture don't play a part in how autism is expressed is ridiculous. Thank you for this video. Awesome stuff.
Nicole Meil Oooof!
Why are you calling yourself aspie? I’m only curious because my little sister has ASD and she says only people who pretend to have aspergers say that...
@@pinkqueenscookie it isn't for others to police the validity of self diagnosis or not. That's hella rude and how many of us started our journey to understanding ourselves. But I am diagnosed and the term "Aspie" has been commonly used for some time now. Some people prefer Aspergian or other variations. Or they prefer to simply go by Autustic. But universally we get pretty irritated by neurotypical people trying to police us. I'm sure your sibling can vouch for that as well.
Is pretending to be autistic even a thing? And if so, why? How would one "mask" as autistic? The idea is kind of interesting to think about even if the motivation is confusing. How would you have enough social models to look autistic without mimicking too small of a sample size to really get it? And how do you mimic a population that has to mimic you in order to get by socially? Sounds exhausting.
Nicole Meil um it is. You can’t self diagnose yourself with Autism, (it is an actual neurological and developmental disorder, not just a feeling) just like people can’t say they have anything else. Relating to something doesn’t mean you are. And yes, Autism has gained a lot of popularity. Videos like this are a dime a dozen and some people are pretending. There are very sick people who think being autistic is someone a cool trend. We can see this with the numerous shows too, it’s not just about awareness.
I don’t think I’d realised how much I mask on a daily basis - even with people I trust - until I watched this. A lot of the childhood stuff you talked about was SO similar to my experiences, I can’t tell you how validating this was. I might have to show this video to people in future to explain what it was like for me. Thanks so much for posting this.
I’ve been following you for years, and it’s so great to see your journey. I appreciate you sharing your truth!
I'm not autistic, but I have ADD and I'm only now in the process of diagnosing (I'm 24), but everything you talked about resonated with me so much and really made me feel seen, so thank you! ADD/ADHD has the similar stigma of being thought to be more of a disease for young boys. I was also pretty good at school my whole childhood and didn't have the hyperactivity, so no one even suspected I had ADD. People just thought I was lazy, irresponsible and uncaring. Before this video I didn't know masking was a thing that had a name, but that's definitely what I've been doing this whole time. And when I developed anxiety in college where the responsibilities became overwhelming, I masked it too. And I'm definitely doing it too well. Everyone now has expectations that I can function like a normal person and I'm terrified of telling them about (somehow especially) my anxiety and ADD because I'm afraid they don't believe me and question me and then I have to tell them about all my symptoms, which is painful. I'm just so glad you made this video because I definitely feel a lot less alone and like imposer. Thank you!!
Thank you for using identity first language 💕 I was dx’d P.D.D autism in childhood and E.D.S *col5a2 classical type* in adulthood its interesting how much overlap there is with so many zebras also being autistic I hope we eventually see more research on it!
There is quite a bit so far but likely we hit a stopping point because of how much more we ned to learn about autism as well!
"How do I fix myself so people aren't___" has been a lifelong struggle for me, a constant battle of masking and hypervigilance and fear of saying the wrong thing in the wrong tone, or saying it for too long or not enough, being too specific or not specific enough and feeling as if I am - no matter what - an annoyance, a bad, broken human, a failure and not fit to do anything but disappoint people. This whole video resonates so hard with me I cried all the way through it.
I just started my channel as an autistic! I title my videos with autistic in them in hopes that other autistic adults will find them!
Thank you for sharing your story! Being vulnerable is a strength, embrace it whenever you can !
I was close to tears the entire video, your story sound alot like mine. Thank you for sharing 💕
❤️❤️❤️
My immediate response was that I genuinely thought you had already publicly said you’re autistic? Lol but I appreciate you making this video and being vulnerable about your experiences with ableism.
Haha! Definitely expected some folks to say that! Love you, appreciate YOU!!! ❤️🙏
I could easily hear myself speaking these words. This is how I’ve felt, it’s like having my life read back to me. Thank you for sharing. Also, I love the aesthetic of that room.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 Thank you for opening up about this! It touches me to the core. I relate to so many of the feelings you talk about. I’m on my own self diagnosis journey and hope to receive official diagnosis so I don’t feel like an imposter anymore but have anxiety about the biases I may face as a female.I already followed you on Instagram a while go. I was so pleasantly surprised to see you in Jessica’s video about autism tropes. It makes me so happy to see another person in the sphere of the internet I follow is like me! Thank you for contributing real representation. I hope you’re ability to talk about it shows strength in acceptance of yourself and I hope being more open helps you on your journey 💕 I’m a new subscriber now and am so here for this!
Everything you are saying is literally my experience and feelings. I’ve masked do so long I don’t know who the “real” me is. It’s all tangled together because I even mask by myself due to internalized fear that someone would see. When you said “humaning” I FELT that because I “pretend” to be human when I feel like a poorly built robot. All solidarity and love to you ❤️
I'm in tears! You are narrating my life. In recent years, I have only understood the number of adaptation/masking skills I have created to hide all "the things." I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I masked so much through my childhood and a 21-year military career. I have tried so many times to explain this to people who care about me. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. You have helped me so much!!!!!!
Watching this is literally sending me back to my childhood. These conversations are important to have and no one I've watched so far has summed it up as well as you. These things are hard to talk about, you should be proud! Just this video is helping so many people, I can already tell.
Thank you thank you thank you! I felt so seen watching this. I've been considering that I might be autistic for a while now, and seeing this helped ease some of my anxiety and quiet down the impostor syndrome and it just helps so much. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story Annie! I’m also a nonbinary bean with anxiety who has come to terms with the fact that I’m autistic since my EDS diagnosis. This video made me feel so much less alone, and I’m sure other people feel the same way. It probably took a lot of scripting and planning and bravery to post this, but I’m incredibly grateful that you did. You’ve encouraged me to be more open about my autism & support needs online, even without a formal diagnosis.
I am so astounded by how much I related to everything you've said. Thank you, I'm gathering my bravery for seeking a diagnosis. I get a lot of anxiety thinking I wont be believed, or that I won't express myself in a way that others can understand. Thank you for helping me find my words.
I feel like the universe is calling me out rn
Thank you so much for sharing this Annie 💜
A few months ago I had a friend suggest I may be autistic, I then did a deep dive into learning about the gender&research stuff, which was basically a month of repeatedly breaking down and experiencing grief and denial and it was rough. I reached out to a therapist who specialises in autism but freaked out after the consultation and totally ghosted her 🙃
It's been a couple of months now and I'm still in denial but I've been actively using information I've learnt from autistic people in order to manage better day to day, and it's helping. I feel like you almost directly explained my experiences though, and I'm literally crashed out on the sofa with a massive headache rn after a 2.5 hour call where I could feel myself masking again - I live alone so this pandemic has made socialising and masking evolve into this whole other new thing I'm struggling to figure out. Please please please share more about this 💜 I'm trying so hard to not gaslight myself about my experiences and the potential of being autistic, and hearing people's experiences that I can relate to (especially cause I relate to you on so many levels) is more helpful than I can express.
Oh my goodness, sorry for additional comment but I totally get the becoming isolated and then getting much much worse at masking! This happened to me when I got sick and just stopped seeing people and my anxiety is so Fucking overwhelming whenever doing the smallest social contact now. It sucks.
Quarantine did this to me. I'm less anxious on a daily basis (because less people), but when there's people suddenly..oof.
@@allyas Big same!
Thank you so much for this. I'm trying to get my diagnosis now. Being a poor female, it's been very hard.
When you said when people ask "How are you" and you go into a extensional crisis thats so real for me too. I actually mean like how are you feeling, not just some script that society taught us to use. And when people dont truly say how they feel still bugs me and is confusing. Thank you for your words - you have been a mirror for me and I feel this is confirmation that I am also on the spectrum
Thank you. This all resonates so very deeply and I feel the gratitude to you for sharing your experience in my bones. Thank you.
Oh wow, what you said about "how are you?" hit me so hard. I am the same way. So glad to hear I am not alone.
The biases in the system prevent me from getting a diagnosis. As a trans man, they expect me to behave like the stereotypes, but I just don't.
i don't know how/why this got suggested to me but i'm so glad it did!! i have an autistic partner, and they realized that they were autistic later in life. i love them more than anything, and it's really great for us to learn about the different ways it presents. it brings them a lot of peace just identifying what's going on with them. subscribed, thank you for this video! it was amazing
Hi Annie. I also have EDS, POTS/dysautonomia, chronic fatigue, chronic pain, anxiety disorder, and autism (all VERY late diagnosed)! I'm a medical professional and, even so, it was so hard to find my diagnoses! I honestly don't know if I'd have most of them if I hadn't self-diagnosed first to be able to push for very specific testing to be done. I see a lot of myself in a lot of your videos.
Sorry for the unasked-for advice, but have you ever tried watching people's mouths instead of their eyes when you're talking to them? It's what I do...no idea if it would work for other people. Eye contact is too painful to the point of being a complete distraction where I can't listen to someone talk and eventually I just break down if I can't avoid gaze after awhile. Watching people's mouths helps my auditory processing disorder to SEE what they're saying, (like lip-reading) and people usually just notice that you're looking at their faces...they don't necessarily notice you aren't looking RIGHT in their eyes.
I do this all the time. It really helps block out all the other noise and focus. Also, you’re looking at their face, which is apparently important.
This is the first video I've watched of yours after watching Jessica's video on autism, and WOW I relate so much to your experiences. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing 🙏
Thank you so much for sharing this, I've struggled a long time to feel valid, but you've voice exactly how I feel and what I did for YEARS (I'm in my 40s). Especially, "psychology and social etiquette became my special interest." Thank you again for sharing this.
Thank you for being open and this video. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my early 30s. I'm 37 now. It answered a lot for me which was great, but also now realising how abelist and far we have to go in autistic/disability rights. Thank you so much for the video. Oh yes masking yikes. Exhausting and yes I have that worry too about being human. I've got massive anxiety too. Oh god I feel you, about the worthless spiral. I mask it too anxiety and yes it's a catch 22 to mask. I live a quieter life in that try to manage energy in life I find it harder now than when l was younger and so I don't burn out or have a break down. I really felt this video and felt seen and so well understood. This is exactly how I feel.Yep sesitive to social interaction that's one hits the hardest for me. Thanks for articulating your journey it really, really resonated with me.
I wish I could have articulated it all so well and understood myself much younger! Sending you lots of respect and love.. x
Thank you for this video. It was a little painful to watch, but also comforting. Especially the part about friends who support and understand and accomodate you -- those are the best kinds of friends. I've had friends like that in the past (more friends NOT like that) and it gives me hope that I'll find more people like that in the future.
Thanks for making this video. It really is helpful for people who are not autistic or who don't understand much about autism to better understand it and become better allies!
Thank you!
I would love to hear your full story. Thank you for sharing something so personal ❤ it has helped me see myself properly.
I'm autistic too and have EDS.
This video nearly made me cry. I feel so seen and relate so much. Thank you, Annie. I want to write a more in depth comment later with a few questions for your q&a after I process everything, but just wanted to say thanks. 💕
Thank you so much for this video, I'm an autistic afab enby person, who also has EDS and a couple of autoimmune diseases, so I felt like you're talking about me too. I began searching for community a couple of months ago and it's made everything so much better.
I'm considering getting a formal diagnose for autism, but I'm afraid I've masked so well I won't be diagnosed. I feel it will do more harm than good, especially after 32 years of being gaslighted by a family of medical professionals.
Anyway, thank you so much for this video, I send you tons of love, understanding and food of textures you like! (I'm a crunchy kind of person)
I love crunchy (when its supposed to be there and I expect it! I CANNOT handle an unexpected eggshell in scrambled eggs!! 😫)! Crunching on thawed ice cubes is one of my stims 😬😬😬
same. in almost every aspect. working on getting a diagnosis since the start of the year. turning 30 in september. listening to you revealing your story and experience made me tear up like on many similar occasions before. thank you
I'm on a quite similar journey. Waiting for both ASD and EDS assessments. It's been quite a lot, it all come rolling the past few months, all at once. It's great to hear stories like yours! Thanks for sharing =)
WHY WOULD ANYONE DISLIKE THIS VIDEO... they must have misclicked, surely.
Congrats on a diagnosis, friend!
I just came to the realization I am autistic a few months ago and here I am sobbing because I don't feel alone or broken. Thank you.
Another way you can respond to how are you: Just say "I'm Awesome!". Because even if you're not feeling awesome, the saying is still true; you are awesome. So there's no lie 😂💜
😂❤
This was unbelievably validating; thank you so much.
You've just summed up my life so eloquently! Thank you for sharing your story. It really means a lot to hear the experiences of other autistic people. I was only diagnosed a year ago (at the age of 42) so a lifetime of doubting myself and feeling like a failure is really engrained, just as you articulated so well.
Wonderful video! Many of your experiences reminded me of some of my own and made me cry. The info dumping and not being able to stop yourself even if you do recognize someone is getting annoyed with you is a big thing I deal with too. I had somebody say to me once years ago, “If a thought comes into your head and won’t add to the conversation, then just let it go instead of talking about it.” I was crushed, in tears all that afternoon and barely spoke for two days even to my family and my depression spiraled. It was awful and definitely took me back to all the “you’re too much” comments I got in school. It’s hard for people who have never been there to understand it or how draining the masking truly is, especially on top of chronic pain :(
Looking forward to hearing more! This question (as well as the ADHD one) has been on my mind (re: myself) for a few years. My sibling is also autistic and intellectually disabled, diagnosed very young, and my idea of what autism is has definitely been shaped by what was recognized as being autism in the 90s (a very narrow view). It’s so confusing with my other conditions though... Neither I nor the professionals I’ve worked with have known how to untangle it all. I don’t have friends who’ve been diagnosed or who have a really good handle on what autism is (some who suspect it’s a possibility for them but also have these complex sets of conditions that seem impossible to tease apart). And I feel so lost when others who seem more like me (rather than like my sibling) talk about being autistic and figuring it out at an older age, and I just have no idea where to find the information I need to begin assessing for myself.
I found the Samantha Craft autism checklist via the aspergirls subreddit - a quite helpful place to start
I was subscribed on a different account, and I just wanted to say I love all of your content. But this video made me cry. I wasn’t diagnosed ASD until I was 28 when I went in and also got diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and I have ADHD and cerebral palsy. I remember going in and trying to tell someone I think I have autism, and they straight up told me that I couldn’t because I’m so well spoken and convert people in the eye and I seem to have really good social skills. What they fail to realize is that it took so much effort for me to do that, that sometimes by the end of the day all I could do was lay down and stare at the ceiling. Thank you for sharing your story! Please, please keep going. Much love!
i really appreciate you talking abt this bc i heavily relate and i think its important that your followers who know your sister is autistic see two different presentatons of autism and know that theres a lot of diversity.
You are sooooo articulate about this. I'm going to use a lot of your analogies, thank you ❤
Glad it was helpful!
A friend just sent me this because I recently told her I definitely think I'm autistic...and I'm in tears because so much of what you have said lines up with how I'm feeling and what my experience has been...that I never understood through an autistic lens. Thank you
i’ve.. never related to someone so much .... i’ve been reflecting on these feelings and what that would mean for my future, looking into getting diagnosed, but i think the main thing is me becoming obsessed with realizing theres people who relate to me. i want to thank you for sharing, this made my day to know i’m not alone
I so relate with the people "studying". I loved reading teenage advice columns when I was younger, I realise now that I took a lot of the behaviours and literal scripts they provide in those magazines and applied them to my own social interactions. And yes "How are you?" always gets me too.
Thank you for making this video, it's really brave of you to speak about a part of you that you felt you had to hide in the past. :)
Yay! I'm autistic too! I'm glad you have decided to share with us!
❤💛💚💙💜💙💚💛❤
i was crying while i watched this. ive recently started to realise i have so many autistic traits but i felt bad claiming i was autistic- i still do since ive never been officially diagnosed, but you described so many things ive gone through and still am, and it made me feel so much better. i get bad imposter syndrome because i feel like im faking everything and that i cant be autistic since ive never been diagnosed. I just wanna thank you and every other disabled/autistic creator for helping and teaching people
Thank you for posting this! I will be tested for autism in two days. I am honestly terrified because I too am very good at masking which makes me seem social and very able to function. Over all it seems that females also do not get diagnosed with autism very often. It makes me scared that they won't take me seriously and see what is really hiding behind te mask, because I am very certain I am autistic. So thank you for sharing your story and making me feel like I am not alone ❤
I appreciate your vulnerability here ❤️ Im a brown hEDS austistic queerdo 💕 feel a lot of kinship with the experiences you’ve shared. Idk if you’re on fb, but we have a group for autistic IBPOC that’s been really wonderful. DM if you want the exact name. and a tip for “I don’t know what that is”: it sounds like you’re using a script from someone who has used that phrase toxicly/abusively. try and find vids of someone saying that phrase genuinely, or find a new script to express that feeling/thought ❤️
I really appreciate you talking about the rejection-sensitivity thing. I don't THINK I'm autistic, but I also am definitely not fully neuro-typical. I have ADHD and auditory processing disorder, and it never occurred to me that rejection sensitivity might be related! I wish there were amazing holistic providers that were accessible everywhere to help us make these connections, but since there aren't, I am so grateful to the spoonie community for sharing some of the associations they've noticed or been advised about by a professional.
It’s interesting hearing someone else talk about many of the issues I have/had. The difference is that 1. I don’t have a chronic illness(and do not consider myself disabled) and 2. I was diagnosed at a young age.
You are still beautiful Annie your awesome no matter what anyone says love you Annie your perfect the way you are I have only was recently diagnosed with autism and finally my life makes sense
You are amazing. Congrats on your announcement. Appreciate you doing that.
So much of what you say about your experience as autistic and masking resonates with my lived experience.
I've also been diagnosed as autistic with a Generalised Anxiety Disorder (which has lowered a lot post diagnosis and with COVID)
hey!! i just wanted to say that i am also an autistic person with eds!!! it's like you were describing my ENTIRE LIFE back to me in this video, thank you for telling this story, it was INCREDIBLY affirming
THANK YOU
I want to thank you for your openness, it sure helps a lot of undiagnosed asd people, like me, or better saying, especially like me. It is really hard to find anyone talking about autism in my country, it is really hard to find ways to proceed with a doctor when there is no one talking about it. I have both hipersensitivety with sounds/crowded spaces/light/colors and alexithymia which can make really hard for me to understand my emotions and translate them to others. When I am overloaded with information I first notice physical pain, then (after hours, days or even mouths) I realize I have been exposed to too much. Sometimes, I have full meltdowns, I throw up without being able to eat anything at all, or I sleep for days, barely been awake for more than 5 hours, before I'm able to understand that I need to preserve myself from something or someone. So I thank you for making me believe and reassuring my autism to myself.
Its amazing how insightful you are. Most people aren't nearly as aware as you of their own condition.
Your video really inspired me to learn more about autism. I hope to study the field of education so I can make a difference in education and make it so that every person feels welcome, represented and acommodated for, no matter their mental/physical health, sexuality, gender or ethnicity. When you explained how tiring masking is, I realized even more how important it is to have people, students and teachers, learn more about diverse people. Because I think everyone who isn't like "the norm" knows how it feels to pretend and knows how tiring it can be. I myself have had depression and still deal with dissociative symptoms sometimes and I know how hard, almost impossible, it is to fake being exited, or even have a normal conversation when your just so tired. I can't imagine what it like to have to do that all the time. But I also know that if people in the environment are taught about these things, how much easier it makes everything. It doesn't make the thing go away, but at least you don't have to tire yourself out even more to keep up the appearance of a "normal" person. So I hope to learn as much as I can about as many people as I can so I can make policies and material to make schools a more inclusive environment. That way it is set up for a more diverse group of people to thrive and educates kids who don't experience a certain reality to be more open-minded, thoughtful and set up with the knowledge and experience to help others.
Annie, thank you. I'm 73. Six, maybe 7 months ago now I discovered I am autistic. I'm a writer so once the shock calmed, I wrote about it, a 16 1/2-page article which I thought a pretty interesting case study, looking at nurturing and neurodiversity. Writing helped. But then, months later, still not 'out' yet publicly, I realized I'd only just begun with my processing (heck yeah, after 68 years of extremely effective masking), so just a few days ago I began my grieving for the autistic child, girl, self-aware wom I missed/lost of all those years. Your video came to me, randomly, as I wasn't ready yet this morning to dive into the emotions again, at least not till after I ate my bagel the way I like it, broiled with butter and garlic chunks. I am ready to get on with my processing now but first wanted to thank you for your openness. I've taken notes to remind myself, I am not alone in this. Some of your descriptions, your wording, your clarifications give me more spots to sit with as they feel so familiar, just not taking full shape in my understanding yet.
I am one of those without the privilege to be able to get help in therapy. Years ago I was in therapy but the very kind wom then totally missed what seems to me now so obvious. I hope today that more tears come. 'I never cry' is something I've always said about myself, something I want to change. Yesterday a few tears came. I am aware that the many things that could be/feel so much better in my body are related to alllll I've held in and pretended against these many decades.
Thanks! I'll be checking in on more of your videos. You might enjoy mine too ~ for a laugh. I didn't at all realize, until I wrote my article on being autistic, that I had started making selfie dance videos, not only to let up on my perfectionist self (setting parameters of wearing whatever was at hand, making the videos beginning to end within 24 hours so I couldn't obsess over it - until I got so fascinated with the filming that later on I allowed myelf 2 days to be able to spend more time 'playing' in the process) ... I HAD to make those videos, and got to watch them offline in copies I'd saved, Even Though my kids and family members pretty much pooh poohed my making, because I needed to be able to SEE my inner self more. And those were a number to several years before I even whispered the word autistic to myself.
"Info dump" is a new term to me. Ha!! I hope you get my joke; I've just noticed, or wondered, is that what I've just done? ;-)
Thanks again, Sparky aka E. Sandy Powell
www.esandypowell.com or my youtube channel with the same name
Thank you for putting this into words. I especially relate to the "having to prove them wrong" part. I am working on it but I still feel so much as if I have to be twice as good at everything to basically "reclaim" my non existing worth through being autistic, and its so harmful for me.
Welcome to the community! 😊❤️
Good for you! I’m also autistic and it’s great to see other autistic people talking about it.
Holy shit, I didn’t know how much I needed this video. Thanks a lot for explaining things and being this vulnerable!
I knew I liked you! I'm Autistic and I always seem to get on better with ND folks! I'm also chronically ill, mentally ill, multiply disabled, queer, nonbinary, etc. So obvs I was drawn to your channel for acceptance and of course solidarity for the ones we have in common. Congrats on coming out publicly as Autistic!
im autistic as well, very well practiced in masking my autistic & anxiety traits, & i wasnt diagnosed until i sought it out myself as an adult. this video is so relatable for so many reasons and i rly appreciate hearing stories from other lgbtq autistic folks! definitely makes me feel less alone and more connected to my community, thank you sm for sharing ❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing your experiences! As an afab person who grew up with a brother on the spectrum, I noticed similarities in our symptoms around the teen years and began looking back and realizing that the same was true for early childhood as well. However, my brother was badly bullied for his autistic traits when we were young, so I quickly had to learn to stick up for him and mask my own traits for both of our benefits. This compounded with adults never believing me when I told them of my struggles and symptoms, led to my brother being diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, Depression, SAD, and later Aspergers while I had very similar symptoms but was never so much as evaluated. I’ve taken the online tests based off the diagnostic criteria and always scored very highly on autistic traits, but I doubt I will ever be able to pursue a formal diagnosis which sucks because I do feel it could really help me.
the analogy you gave for tone!!! holy cow never thought about it like that. and i just asked my partner about it and they agreed right away.
😂 yes yes! I love that!
I'm autistic and I've been dealing with high functioning autism for 27 years. I was diagnosed when I was only 2 and now I'm 29.
you are telling my story, word for word, except for the marginalization. This is really helping me, thank you so much.
Great video Annie - you have helped me so much - can't wait to see your update - you look amazing 💕
You're brilliant, and I think you're "humaning" just fine!
That was... a lot. I’m learning from you and JKF how to relate to, and empathize with, people with differences. While I have no doubt that people with similar issues are incredibly grateful for the representation you provide; I am also incredibly grateful for opportunity to understand better. Thank you for being so open.
Thank you so much!! ❤️🙏
Despite not having autism, I can relate to so much of what you said in this video. I have osteogenesis imperfecta, oddly enough a related collagen disorder to EDS. I have chronic pain but rarely show it to my friends and colleagues. Even with my own immediate family I don’t always talk or show that I’m in pain to them, unless I need their help. I also have anxiety in social situations that I don’t think most people realize because I work really hard at acting confident and in control of situations. But it’s exhausting! I don’t think most people realize how much of a toll it is mentally and physically to overcome chronic pain and anxiety on a daily basis. Or how socially isolating these conditions are. Thank you for speaking up.
I love this video. I want to share it with my entire family. I have an autistic son and your video gave me more perspective. Thank you for sharing
I experience all of these things and more thank you so much for helping me articulate my experiences that's invaluable to me thank you so much for being vulnerable with us! I wish I had a support system like yours.
As someone who's grown up with an autism diagnosis and received all the real-life & academic accommodations that go along with that, I get SO heated over that fact that so many are denied diagnosis. It's literally a direct barrier to happiness, success, and self-sufficiency. If I'd had to get through school or university without the benefit of my needs being understood, I'm not sure I would have made it. I CERTAINLY would not have graduated early, no matter how much I might love studying. Without extra time to put my thoughts together in silent/undisturbed solitude, the thoughts won't get out. "Functioning" looks different on everybody, but by refusing diagnosis and appropriate accommodation, the possibility of doing so diminishes. Autistic people have a right to THRIVE as we are, not just survive by the skin of our teeth. I'm sorry that your diagnosis came so late for you, and I mourn the many opportunities that you were denied because of this. Still, you have a future ahead of you that now looks just a bit brighter by understanding yourself more. I am equalparts angry and happy for you. Keep going, Annie
Thank you so much, you have just describe my 14 yr old daughter 😢 I wish I knew how to help her. I see how much she is struggling and it breaks my heart.
I love this video because I feel like this is the most genuine one you’ve done ✅