I had the same experience. As a teen, I wasn't allowed to go outside without an adult but my mother would never step up for me. She rarely ever went outside so because of that, I was stuck. It's a mix of being overprotective. Selfish & therefore neglectful. My oldest sister was more of a mother to me, the youngest in the home
Same, I'd say the overprotectiveness was in regards to danger/health but there was neglect in needs (either emotional or physical). Also I never felt like my opinion had any weight so that might, in fact I stopped having opinions and wishes which also might play a part in why I feel neglected.
The feeling of having to grow up fast is definitely a thing with youngest siblings and it’s not talked about enough. As someone already said, my mom was overprotective while also being emotionally neglectful Learned helplessness was also very real for me because I was raised to doubt or second guess my ability to do things because of my disability. It took a long to stop second guessing myself and start trusting my own judgment
I have a Behavioural Science (Psychology) degree & have been doing a deep dive into a number of Psychological topics for OVER 35 years now. Topics which include: trauma; anxiety; depression; narcissism; OCPD; OCD; parental styles; dysfunctional family dynamics; etc. I come from a HIGHLY dysfunctional family. And yet, my parents say I'm the problem! I am certain my Mum has undiagnosed OCPD with comorbid Moderate Grandiose Narcissistic Traits who married a man (my Stepfather) who is a Codependent Enabler with a Fawning Trauma Response. For the 1st, 3rd of my life I was the Golden Child. So think not just overprotectiveness & micromanaging, but also Enmeshment, Parentification & Emotional Incest. But ever since I started calling my Mum out on her abusive behaviour (not a good idea btw, but I can't help it), I am now the Scapegoat. The underlying OCPD means she is a hypercontrolling perfectionist who constantly undermines her family, whilst the Narcissism means she is constantly trying to boost her own ego at the expensive of others using all the usual narcissistic tactics. On top of all the underlying Familial Psychological Comorbidities, there have been several (5+) very BIG life-changing highly impactful traumatic events, any one of which would typically result in a pretty serious trauma response. Not surprisingly, given 4.5 decades of complex trauma, this has TOTALLY derailed my life. Despite always being regarded by my peers as being highly intelligent with a very strong work ethic, chronic Pathological Perfectionism has completely crippled me. I suspect I also suffer from CPTSD, Social Anxiety, Depression, Suicidal Ideation, OCPD (with possible comorbid OCD), & maybe even Mild Vulnerable Narcissistic Traits (though I'm less sure about the narcissism part). In short, I am very broken & have pretty much given up on life now. So yes, I agree with you COMPLETELY - it is a bloody nightmare! And BTW, I'm very sorry about the LONG rant. 😢
You are not alone, dear 💜 The time for our healing on earth has come now. Your suffering will not be in vain 💚 You are one of the bravest, most persistent and most loving souls on this planet. You’re a shining star with a beautiful potential that is about to manifest itself more than ever soon. We‘ll make it 💗 There are many of us. We all are working together on a certain level, and although we often feel so disconnected, in truth we are‘nt. You will make it, I can see it... and I‘ll make it too, and many others and our life will be brighter, lighter and easier, not so exhausting anymore but more relaxed, with more life, love, joy and inner peace and freedom. ✨❣️✨❤️✨❣️✨
Agree! I have been pushed into the role of mother, caregiver, psychologist and judge by my parents. It is such a weird feeling to feel like a kid all the time and also being pushed into such adult assignments. One moment they treated you like the adult your are and the next moment they refuse to believe anything you say because "what does a kid know about anything!" They left me with a mind full of "what the f?" and a constant need to feel safe/acknowledge and gaining a "ok" from others (so #3 and#4) because even in the age of 30+ I still feel like a freaking kid.
@@carlmullerlane I am sure I got my perfectionism issue from having a narc dad. I think it is the attempt to try to be so amazing that they cannot yell at us for anything, but we all know after some time, they will always find something to yell about or pout about... Even when they are not in or life, it is a nightmare patching all the holes they left.
@@Summer_and_Rain Mental health professionals refer to this as Enmeshment, Parentification & Emotional Incest. Enmeshment is a rel'ship characterized by a LACK of health boundaries & can occur in any rel'ship, not just parent/child. Parentification is where the roles of the parent & child become reversed & the child begins to take on adult responsibilities. Emotional Incest is where you become the emotional caretaker of the parent, essentially turning you into a pseudo-spouse. Now technically, these can occur independently of one another, but are very often seen collectively, with a great deal of overlap. All are very damaging to a child & often result in a number of psychological problems in adulthood, including issues around attachment & boundaries in subsequent rel'ships, anxiety disorders, depression, & even personality disorders. All my life I have experienced all of these abuses, & it sounds to me like maybe you have too. I remember attempting to set healthy boundaries from about the age of 15 (an example of parentification), only to have them repeatedly violated. And now as an adult, when I stand up & call out abuse (whether against myself or others), I am usually told that I need to mind my own business & learn to respect boundaries. The irony of this is utterly staggering!
It was less my parents "didn't want to parent anymore" than it was "they didn't want to be married to each other anymore". "Staying together for the kids" has good intentions (I guess), but is actually damaging. It wasn't an accident that my parents' marriage fell apart in my (the youngest) last year of high school.
I had similar situation. My older siblings thought it would be better for me, if our parents didnt divorce but, all of them moved out after 2-3 years, leaving me alone with parents wrangling and arguing each other. I was still child at that time 😅
@@Bucephalus84the statistics are likely missing a critical variable: *emotional health* It does severe damage to children who learn from their parents what they are primed to believe is a loving relationship, but in reality is unloving. Really primes you for repeated failure in that critical area of life.
I think / hope / wish the mental health experts who point out that some of us who may have developed learned helplessness since others - parents and/or siblings - who DIDN'T WANT us to be able to learn how to make decisions but also refused to help us when we were faced with a problem that nobody in the family could solve while also actively discouraging us from seeking help anywhere else, could also offer some suggestions for when we now actively try to seek help but are turned down again and again and others REFUSE to help us. There's a lot of advice to "don't be afraid to ask for help" but I think what some of us really fear is asking for help with really complicated, serious "grown up" problems when all we receive after screwing up that courage is refusals and, at best, terrible "advice".
Say it louder for all the "professionals" in the front that have regurgitated this advice religiously while consistently refusing to ACTUALLY HELP people Been "seeking help" for over a decade only to be gaslit and dismissed the same way my POS family did
Oof! That opening resonated hard. I’m the youngest of six and there is a significant age gap between myself and my older siblings. Half of them were teenagers when I was born. Because of that age gap I always felt like I had traits of a youngest child but more traits of an only child since they were all out of the house before I finished elementary school. But that opener makes me realize that maybe I have more youngest child traits than I realized because every one of them, especially the not feeling like my opinions mattered and feeling like (knowing) that my parents were tired of parenting by the time I came along really, REALLY resonated.
Wow. Im the youngest of 4 with closest sibling 15 years older. Deeply resonates. Im now 55, divorced after 31 years to a bpd narc- super controlling that I now understand why I am the way I am. How to deal with the people who take advantage of this “weakness” - as perceived by the predator type who, when you need help or guidance- create dependency dynamics. It feels super vulnerable and hard to trust others. I definitely have felt like i was “in trouble”. How to overcome this?
Youngest of 7 here. Your whole comment resonates with me *completely.* For me, there were also dynamics of overprotection and always being considered “young”even though I’m decades old.
Youngest of 5 . My oldest brother is 15 years older than me. My next oldest is 6 years older. All my opinions were shut down or laughed at & consequently I am a very shy quiet,yet angry person now. By the time I was 12 the house was completely empty & I loved it. I’m the same today . Would much rather be on my own - alone. Not lonely : I prefer it. Not lonely at all ; I prefer it.
@@likeretirement3245 very similar! My oldest sibling was 16 when I was born and number five was seven when I was born. I am 50 now, and they still rarely value my opinion and usually don’t even ask for it when it comes to anything to do with the family which is super frustrating. I was extremely shy like you when I was younger and a bit of a loner but I am quite gregarious now and probably more vocal with my opinions when it comes to them than I should be lol. But I’m kind of glad of it because it has taught me to be very assertive, but also kind and diplomatic so while it’s annoying I’m glad that I have those traits.
I can relate! I'm the youngest of 4 and the oldest, my brother is 22 years older than me, oldest sister is 20 years older and my other sister is 9 years older.
I'm the youngest of three, with a fair age gap between. One of my brothers was already in his mid-teens when I was born. Much of this video rings true. I avoid responsibility, letting my husband take the lead with all bills and 'adult' tasks. I find decision making an agonising task, almost always deferring the final decision to someone else or if I have to make a decision, looking for feedback afterwards. Both of my older brothers call me 'little sis' despite being in my late 30's and it makes me feel like they don't see me as capable or that I ever will be. I would not say I'm reckless aside from my avoidance of certain things which my husband doesn't look after like car tax, MOT etc. these frequently fall behind because I can't face them and leads to me 'chancing' not being caught out. That's about as reckless as it gets, otherwise I would say I'm extremely risk-adverse. I never feel like an adult in situations, even I am the eldest in a group, I'm submissive to those around me and have a huge urge to obey anybody with more authority or even just more confidence.
As the youngest child, I connect well with fellow youngests. My friends, wife, and I share common experiences of not being overprotected but rather neglected, abandoned, and abused by our family. We were expected to match the capabilities of our older siblings without guidance, often becoming scapegoats due to our perceived weakness. Understanding each other, we find it challenging to engage with older or middle children.
Im the youngest sister, and my upbringing just blended my brain. I was treated like a child when it came to making decision, but treated like an adult when it came to taking care of my older sisters kids,(more like aa mom then an aunt), dragging my drunk/high sister out of ditches or crack houses, going for walks to buy weed with my mom and standing outside alone or inside if the dealer was more of a friend. I was an adult when having to hand over babysiting money, being ok with missing school to take care of babies. But when I asked my mother to not take back her abusive boyfriend, I was just a child and had no say. I dont feel like an adult or a child, I feel like Im forever 15 or something.
You can also feel invisible as the youngest child, & like your parents are already burdened enough by everything else. Or that your mistakes are really noticeable because you're the youngest & not as mature as everyone else yet.
And also when elder people argues or make mistake, youngest children gotta apologizes, becuase they are grown up and grown ups never makes mistakes . parents want them to be better than oldest child
@leogrrrl5876 Absolutely. I feel you on that one. I will also add that you sometimes feel labeled and conned into this manipulative, spoiled role that you don't even want. Because you come across "helpless" when you genuinely don't know how to do something, you get snarkiness from your older siblings who say, "Figure it out! Grow up! Stop expecting everyone to do everything for you! Stop acting helpless!" You aren't trying to be helpless or have people do your work for you. For me, that was the LAST thing I wanted. I wanted to take responsibility and be mature and work hard. I didn't want to be overly dependent on anyone. But whenever you mention wanting to do something out of the ordinary, you get told, verbally or nonverbally, that you can't handle it, you're too young, or that you are not responsible. Again: enter, older siblings, who see all of your flaws, mistakes, misbehavior and disorganization because Mom and Dad always gave you to them for babysitting or "second mother" duties and they are not shy on reminding you what you lack and how much they have to do for you and how much you seemingly benefit at their expense and get things they didn't get. The latter of which is not your fault, by the way. I was not a demanding kid, but it always looked that way, because people would always give me stuff and make me feel like I was silly for refusing. So, I got the all too familiar narrative that I was spoiled and I got away with murder. Very isolating. Felt misunderstood and defective.
I am the youngest of six. My mother had five children close together, waited five years, then had me. I had the experience of being lied to by my siblings and then laughed at for my gullibility, having all worthless and silly opinions, physically thrown around like a football, treated as a germ ("Don't make us take her, we don't want to babysit!") and then resented for basic good things that came my way (as if they were never indulged as young children.) Objectively speaking my siblings were better dressed and better cared for when they were young, it's evident in the family pictures. I wore their hand-me-downs and played with their broken toys and was scorned as the spoiled princess. I love my family and I've forgiven most of it. But having such a low pecking order in the family set me up for believing I should also be the most rejected person in my class at school, and I should tolerate all kinds of ill treatment from others almost as a matter of course....it snowballed.
Younger siblings are never recognized as actually having problems. As always. It’s a shame. We’re always overlooked as being babies. I also didn’t like the usage of “happy” home or being “well-liked.” Not all younger siblings have that.
I know my parents did the best they could with me and my older sister, but I relate to a lot of this stuff too. One of the things I find rather hurtful is if I offer an opinion/advice it is not really taken unless my older sister echoes it. My mum will say of ("sis's name said such and such and I'm going to go with that or that it's a good idea" and then I say "That is exactly what I said to you earlier!" I guess it is not surprising that I am not good at trusting my own judgement a lot of the time.
As an adult I can tell you that being the youngest was a very lonely place. I had to figure things out on my own and the world seems scarier because I didn't have instruction or encouragement. I'm expected to be someone that is based on assumptions from the older members. I love my family but I didn't feel accepted and as an adult I got tired of feeling like I have no voice. I felt like I was looked down upon and it made me feel alone far longer. Honestly I didn't feel safe in my environment and it shows still. I definitely can relate to this video. I was given stuff but I still felt empty so that why I don't ask for presents on my birthday anymore. I've had enough and now I get frustrated with being a member of a family now
Very relatable to this youngest one left alone at home numbly watching TV for comfort while the single parent was at the bar. Years of no encouragement followed by confusion and impatience at my hesitation to execute plans, expecting spontaneous ambition and confidence. *Presence>>>>>>>>Presents*
@@Haley_Halo Parents need to understand what is required in order to really be there for their kids. Kids have needs that when neglected could result in difficult adult development. I had a recent flashback that had me crying immediately. As the youngest it hard to believe you have a voice so you hesitate to speak up or ask for certain things. I went to a summer camp at Sunkist in Miami. Because I didn't have an allowance and before I was 13 believed no would want to hear from me, when I went to David & Busters as a summer camp trip, I didn't ask for money for food or to play games..so for a few hours I watched kids play and enjoy the games while being hungry amd lonely. I had issues with social anxiety since I was a kid so it was rough memory. I have grown up and learned to approach social situations but haven't to figure out how to function in society and survive emotionally can overwhelm any kid. I was that kid and it still bothers me a lot but it doesn't define who I am and who I am still growing to be. Maturity is continuous and though I'm 28 years old, I have a hard time relating to people my age. Mentally I can display childlike qualities but then in some situations think I an elderly experienced person. It feels weird but I know I'm a blessing. Anyone who can relate with this. Just know that you can feel safe again and you are loved. Your valuable. Everything will be okay. Somethings make take time but you will learn to be more than okay. I was angry but I forgive my parents and I understand what was going on while I was a kid so I don't want anything of ill will to happen to them. I love my parents but I understand that they are not perfect and they tried their best. I'm am the same. Imperfect and trying to do my best. Being a positive influence is more important and valuable than fame or recognition. That's just facts. Fame and stuff doesn't satisfy. Letting God use me to lift someone else up, I cherish. God bless you all and Jesus Christ loves you :)
@@Haley_Halo A repressed memory came back that proves that my parents didn't always know what I needed. So I went to a summer camp in North Miami called Sunkist. I didn't get an allowance so when I took a trip to Dave & Busters with the summer camp, I didn't have money to but food or play video games. I watched other kids enjoying the games while I was hungry, waiting to return to the location where the buidling was located. Once this memory came to mind, I started crying. In my case, I understand that my parents had a lot on their plate but I honestly think that parents who are incompetent in the needs of their kids need to educate themselves before having kids. I love my parents but my childhood still troubles me. I believe it is possible to overcome but many side affects of my upbringing make interacting in public harder for me. Time doesn't heal but healing takes time. God can heal me but I know I still need help to really let it go. God bless you guys :) , I hope you have found strategies for how to overcome your difficult childhood
Also, I always did/do EVERYTHING on my own and learnt everything on my own. I got hand-me-downs from a sibling who was three sizes larger than me. No one cared.
@@bumblebee_ms parents divorced when I was 15 years-old. My father was using me as his therapist. He's a narcissist and wanted to keep me down in life so he could always feel superior. I had to go no contact with him when I was 35 years-old because I couldn't take his abuse anymore. I was talking to a therapist about 5 years ago who wasn't very good. He actually blamed me for my father not feeling wanted anymore. My father was divorced 3 times and has 8 children. I was the youngest child. How would it be my fault that he doesn't feel wanted anymore? That's why I'm cautious around therapist now too.
Your videos often pierce my heart. I am the youngest of two daughters. For me the experience wasn’t that of overprotection or spoiling; it was neglect and non-appreciation. My sister was very much longed for after a miscarriage. I was an unwelcome surprise. My sister was the extrovert; the chatty, the fun one. My own personality and talents were never given credit for. She was the one to achieve milestones first; by the time I came around there was no interest. My own feelings and plans had no validation and no support. I grew up very independent but also very lonely, and believing some experiences were out of my reach. As an adult I keep my mother (and sister) in the dark about quite serious health and personal issues. Frankly I do not expect her to care or support in any way so I just give up. I literally act as my own issues aren’t relevant; that’s what I have been taught after all. In my job I do struggle to advocate for myself and I definitely see my boss (who is an older woman) as an un-appreciative figure I struggle to get validation from. Thank you for shedding a light on the youngest siblings issues, these are very rarely addressed.
Another thing I experienced being the youngest was being called out for acting my age when I was younger. My older, more developed siblings had less tolerance for me being childish even when I was, indeed, a child. I got little for being a kid.
I think my Mom didn't want to parent any of her children beyond their preschool ages. She also kept adding my name (her youngest child) to cards she sent to relatives, even when I was an adult and no longer living with her. She seemed to view me as an extension of herself instead of a distinct individual.
I am a youngest child and I some of those things rang close to home. What I deduct, is that I have often troubles making big decisions by myself. I need affirmation by someone else. And sometimes I feel like a child again, when the others try to go over me, because I am the youngest. This does not sit well with me. Great video, as always!
I used to struggle a lot with most of these except maybe Recklessness (outside of maybe procrastination) & the identity confusion wasn't so much needing others to tell me who I was, more of just thought my purpose was to feel like crap to make others feel better. Though not from per se neglect or overprotection, but from toxic mom that I had a fawn response to that led to people pleasing. It's kinda hard to make a decision when your mom pretty much instilled the idea that some decisions are going to get you in trouble even if you followed her chore list properly. But yeah, between some self work (that helped the dread induced procrastination especially) & eventually finding a fantastic therapist, I've been slowing down the people pleasing & finding things a lot less daunting.
Wow... this one hit close to home. All of it really spoke into how I felt, and I've always felt like I was a child... even now at 46 I still struggle making decisions for my kids and I because I don't think that I'm capable. I'm the youngest twin, and my sister has always been the model child. And I was the "crazy" and "unpredictable" child. Thank you for this!! I'm sending this one to my therapist :)
I'm the youngest of 5. There's a 12 year age difference between the oldest and me--that dynamic played into it. I also lost my father to a heart attack just before I turned 10, so my mother shut down and didn't know how to handle it. Also, my entire family was athletic except me. I was the "smart one," so I never fit in. As an adult, I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I'm fairly certain I have CPTSD as well. I do everything alone--travel, movies, meals, hanging out at home, because I never got a vote in what the family did so now I want to do things my way. It's interesting how people's lives are impacted by so many factors. As always, love your video!
I have learned helplessness, my sister is 5 years older than me and my brother is 7 years older than me. Always felt everything you have said about the topic. I moved out and started a new life away from my parents and siblings where i could finally be independant
I am the 5th daughter and my only brother was the only boy I got completely lost in the mix. It took a long time for me to adjust as an adult. But now I am stable and strong.
I'm a youngest child and honestly didn't relate to most of this 😅 When I was born was when the family fell apart so I was always expected to handle my own problems and also be a support for those around me, including adults. I never experienced that sheltered youngest child stuff. I looked out for myself and nobody was babying me.
My mom was the youngest of seven with divorced parents. The parents were totally checked out before my mom came along and her siblings terrorized her. She looked out for herself from the beginning and is practically the opposite of this. I really don't believe in these birth order stereotypes.
@TGCuz they're less stereotypes and more common patterns. Note that I said *common* not universal. Of course birth order does not solely determine one's life, but the patterns seem to be commom enough that people who relate might find healing in understanding what caused them to be a part of that pattern.
@@FirstnameLastnames i'm also a bit sensitive about it because i'm an only child and the stereotypes i dealt with as a kid were HORRIBLE. i think there were a lot of positives to it, and i wish they would get the same attention as the negative stereotypes. i can entertain myself better than anyone i know and am super observant, because i was always making things up and observing the world alone as a kid. but i almost never tell anyone i was an only kid, and if i do, i also mention my two step-siblings, because i am still hurt by the things i was called as an only child and even now i think that having step-siblings (even though we hardly knew each other) makes people less likely to see it in such a negative way.
It was weird dynamic. On one hand at age 19 my parents got a divorce and all my siblings were gone. I was finishing highschool while also working and paying part of moms mortgage. But if I looked to siblings for help or even emotional support I was “spoiled baby” that was getting something by “living at home” ... Same when she got cancer and needed help. … I am finding my own stability and assured ness many years down the line. But doing it .. and I just wished that it happened while she was still alive.
This is me, and I used to be sad about the years I’d spent being dependent on others’ opinions about me and external validation, and the opportunities lost to learnt helplessness. Now, I’ve accepted my need for external approval and learnt to surround myself with supportive people who also respect my boundaries, and steer clear of people who undermine me. If this is the way I function, I’ll be aware of it and use it to my advantage! Same about idealising “adult” authority figures: I remind myself I won’t see this person through rose-tinted glasses forever, as sooner or later they, too, will show some character flaws. I also remind myself that any and every decision I will make will be flawed - and that it’s okay and I will deal with the aftermath. But yes, when I’m stressed or upset, the pesky youngest child programming does rear its ugly head. It’s a process, and it never ends. Thanks for the informative video :)
So how would one transition from feeling like being in child-adult relations to actually feeling like being in proper adult-adult relations? Or how to feel less childlike because just pretending to feel like an adult doesn't sound like a solution that way one might feel like an imposter under the adults 🤔
I plan on writing a book about my life as the youngest sibling and about the challenges of hyper self awareness. I have a plethera of information and questions with answers about "why's, how's", "why does each sibling have certain conditions?". I want to cure the hardship that families face when it comes to trust in each other. I think this series of syndromes, from youngest to oldest, influences the thought process of families drastically. I believe these syndromes stem from insecurities and confusion on the fundamental values of each member's core.
Although I am the middle kid in my family, because of my heart condition and some cognitive differences affected by surgies and physical development, I have been treated like the youngest sibling. So because my Parents sometimes assumed that I couldn't do things or because I didn't get as much verbal encouragement and validation (perhaps I learned this verbal validation from medical professionals?) I haven't felt confident enough to launch out and do things myself. I do tend to look for help from others and have either felt like I don't care about trying or that I'm not sure how to begin with becoming more proactive, even when I've graduated from highschool and a few associates degrees from a local college. Thanks for taking time to help me and others understand this subject. 👍
I was never the baby... I was the unwanted one. The oldest was dead, and the middle was an introvert. She was the quiet one that did as she was told. I had behavioral problems and my parents couldn't/wouldn't handle it. I was the problem, I ruined our family.
This sounds like my situation growing up. My brother, older and had "behavioral issues" and me the youngest introverted and "didn't cause any issues". Survival traits are/were present for both of us though. His were easily visible, why he continued being the scapegoat and mascot of the family. Yet, I wish I could have been more like him. Mine were internal. Depression, not feeling good enough, no sense of self, suicidal ideation, and ultimately addiction. The last part led me on a continual journey still part of today which changed my life. Idk what my brother thinks or even feels these days, he pulled away almost 2 decades ago. I've tried to reach out, but if he's not ready...he's not ready. I know our parents did the best they could, but how we grew up affected me and could be today. With therapy and ACA I found a way to break those roles. I was hero and lost child. Also just learning about eldest daughter and youngest child (me as well). Took some time but was well worth it. I was observing him from the outside and making judgements. Honestly, I wish I could've have been more like him..he was popular, funny, jokester. What I know now, we were both asking for help just in our own ways.
Youngest of 3 here (2 older sisters )& DEFINITELY related to most of these , especially to hierarchy structures & the anxiety of getting “in trouble” & paying unexpected bills /doing my taxes 😬
I can definitely relate to the feeling of being unable to feel like an adult. My oldest sibling is 22 years older than me! I moved out when i was 20 and was in a few toxic relationships for 10 years and now I've moved back home. I've isolated myself and feel like im going backwards. I want to find a good therapist but I'm unemployed. Looking for a job has always been extremely hard. I did it for 10 years however the last two jobs i had were very toxic and abusive so I have a little ptsd. I would love it if anyone knows how to find a good therapist that is affordable, much love to everyone! Thank you Katie for all you do❤
I am SOO Grateful for this video Kati This sooo ACCURATE and SUCH an eye-opener I was wondering how do I take action next? ( I want a video THIS meaningful to be incorporated in my life but I don't know how).
Oh my god I relate to #4 so hard, I struggle to comprehend that there are people younger than me and I’m 23 😂. I’ve always had older friends and I have one older sibling. I qualify as a paramedic in a couple of months and we do placement (UK here). It was the end of a night shift in resus and I dared to walk through the ED to make some relatives some cups of tea, and this guy in the waiting room made eye contact & I just knew he was gonna do some weird shiz (the hospital/location is notorious). As I got closer, and whilst attached to his IV, he just launched himself onto the ground in front of me. Now I’m very much a fan of minding my own business, and very unfazed by things, so I stepped over and took a few more steps wondering who was gonna deal with him before realising ‘oh it’s me’. I remember the couple of seconds of realisation being very confusing like I’m literally a child and this is a grown man? I did then return and some real grown ups came over, but they were being too nice and soft and I now had some newfound assertiveness because I have my ‘adult licence’ (and was tired). So I sorted it and got him back in his chair. But it stays with me and I realise I’m not the youngest anymore and I am, in fact, an adult. Wild.
Thank you for acknowledging other factors influencing different behavioral outcomes. I think birth order can still play a role, but it is important to examine the way a family functions as well as larger age gaps between siblings can influence different (or even completely opposite) outcomes such as this. What if the youngest is born when the second youngest is just a couple or a few years away from legal adulthood (even a 6 year age gap is pretty big)? What if the parents work excessively and then spend more of their leisure time with other adults than their own children and the older siblings, more often than not, exclude the youngest from their activities (unless they're bored enough to decide to bully the youngest)? In that note, could the youngest have learned toxic independence in a family system that neglected them or devalued them? Could the youngest also seek external validation to counter chronic invalidation if they happen to be the scapegoat? Another thought to chew on is "what if the person was an only child until almost adulthood (4 or fewer years from 18)?" If they still have only child behaviors, why would acquiring oldest child status so late invalidate that?
My mother was very physically and emotionally neglectful. My sister was a nasty jealous bully. Neither of them wanted me to succeed. My alcoholic sister is still the same bully. Some of us never had a chance, did we?
I'm the youngest of 5. I'm 31 now there still are good and bad things😢 just to add my oldest brother is 18 years older than me, and the 4th sibling is 6 years older than me, I've always been the "baby"
1. I'm given the chance to be independent and I'm the eldest of the family as well. Although, I'm really bad at making decisions and being independent even though my father wants me to be so. This especially increased after the climax of my mental health issues. I've increased sense of Anxiety. Why do you think that happened to me Kati? 2. I'm highly asocial and neglected by the society. They stigmatize me and I'm not good at getting friends even though I want sometimes. I also feel like I don't deserve friends. Although I'm currently not diagnosed with Depression or PTSD or BPD. (Diagnosed with Schizophrenia and OCD) 3. I always expect my father when I face challenging conversation. I start them like I'm someone incapable of handling complex conversations. Complexity means, something like steps of growing a plant, giving medications to an animal, Inquiring about electronic item etc. 4. I'm the quite opposite of recklessness. I feel the depth more than I should feel but super super incapable. Why? 5. Also what's the difference between Dependent Personality Disorder and Youngest Daughter Syndrome?
My second mom locked me up too I'm gonna do the same but the states won't let me retilate legally so I got too find a work around an accident something time will catch up though I'm coming for ya ...I still remember...I was a gold fish I don't know what I am now .
I was born when my parents were 45, and my three older brothers were about 12-14 years older than me. My parents were also both alcoholics (they drank EVERY night), and in an unhappy marriage. Hence, I experienced both neglect (by my parents) and overindulgence (by my brothers). This gave me both a sense of growing up too fast and entitlement. I think I felt sorry for myself, so I didn't think I "deserved" any more hardship--even when I engaged in reckless, irresponsible behavior. I was also relatively unassertive, having learned that no amount of assertiveness would change ny parents' behavior, and instead kind of just "went along for the ride" with my older brothers. I think there were still other complicating factors, but suffice to say, the consequences have been significant.
Wow pretty much all of this is so me! I am the youngest of three sisters but I'm also the only disabled one in the family which also adds a different element to the situation. I still feel like the child although I'm in my 40s. I've never felt confident about any decisions I make and often feel like I have to ask others for reassurance as if I'm still the child and others are the adult. It's almost as if I haven't grown up yet and I know that's not good. How do you even get unstuck from this and progress on from it? Making wrong decisions feels almost devastating and can be embarrassing sometimes.
Not the middle child (youngest) but made the same observation; I wanted to learn what it's like. We're sorry our existence erases yours, we wish we weren't so coddled. Also, the eldest got a section dedicated to guidance on how to address their traits and that also tracks.
Total opposite in my family- youngest is the shining star, most confident and did her own thing in the best way! Now at 63 she’s doing retirement her way. I the middle child was invisible and took on all the roles of scapegoat etc. While she could do no wrong- all wrong was assigned to me by the adults ‘why did you do XXXX when it was the youngest all along. She and I are good friends now but we had our struggles in our youth for sure.
As the youngest of 3 girls, this resonates with me... especially number 4... I'm generally rebellious and a little irresponsible socially but when it comes to work...even as a manager i hate to question my boss too much, want them to gjve payrises by noticing my work, rather than asking... everytime they want a 'talk' I fear im going to be 'told off'.... it's confusing being both resentful yet fearful of authority
Add to this the fact that I was diagnosed with ADHD well before it was even called adhd. In fact the doctors use the term "minimal brain damage", apparently thinking it was caused by the numerous accidents I had from climbing trees and such. One "Professional" actually told my parents cannot make me do it sure if I threw a fit because it would cause me psychological damage. And it turns out one of my brothers has harbored intense resentment of me all these years.
Everyone telling you what to do But not helping you out And parents r just done parenting and wanna take a break , so no one is their to care about you Yes that's the youngest child
My parents had four kids and thought they were done, but then they had me. So, I was the “baby” in addition to the other baby. There was also an age gap between me and the next youngest. I always say it’s like having extra moms who were more strict than your mom. Thanks for this! ❤
It certainly sounds familiar. And those dynamics are forever i can tell you. I am the youngest sister, now an old lady. My oldest brother sadly died a couple of years ago. Ofcourse it saddened me to the core, but at the same time there was a kind of relief! I finally felt i could freely make my choices without the fear of being judged. My friends, my taste in clothes, or music, or politics.... Always in the back of my head there was this insecurity: what would he think about this? Now i'm free.
Wow 6:46 Can't wait for the end of this "?" It's true that the youngest sibling faces as much bs as the eldest as society loves to dictate your role, duties, feeling and understanding of the world and your very self. The biggest struggle i found is being accepted for me, in the now and not the machinations of others. I used to tell people, im the eldest, middle child and inevitably proved people's perceptions were in fact bias and their needs for role play in place of life. Try it, its very freeing! 11:26
i definitely think the gender of the siblings can add different dynamics as well. ie I have two older brothers and am the youngest child who is a girl and was super overprotected by my parents
My oldest sister has dementia. She never made any contigencies for herself. She was diagnosed with early onset dementia while she still had a mind. When she was removed from her house because of hoarding, she was dumped on me. I spent two years trying to get her situated with very little help from anyone (despite me asking).
and in true middle child fashion, we are left to watch others be addressed while struggling to simultaneously care for the younger (who rats on us and takes our toys and our share of attention and praise) when the older falls short, while trying to respect and learn from the older (who dismisses and belittles the shit out of us), and patch up our own shit, on our-childish-undeveloped-own, ending up without a self or specialty or a role since everyone in the hierarchy feels it's the norm to dismiss and belittle the middle child i know i am being bitter
Youngest of 3 !! One elder half brother who is 15 years older than me, an elder sister who’s about 10 years older than me, and they always resented how my parents let me get away with so much. I had better stuff than them when they were growing up, and they complained about that too !! I just feel left out and mistreated !! I feel like I have to do the best at everything, especially since our father died over a year ago. My brother went to college when I was 3, then my sister at 9, and it was just a lot !! I guess you can say I felt abandoned or something. I’m much closer to my sister and I was with my brother, but it’s like everything became weird as we got older.
I was also younger by a couple years than my primary friend group growing up, so I think I was affected by sometimes being treated as "annoying little sibling" even by the kids who were supposed to be my peers.
I always heard my siblings talk about their childhood before me and how our mom was a stay-at-home-mom. They always had access to her. However after I was born my mom went back to work and I remember her always being busy. My sister is 9 years older than me, so I couldn’t play with her either. I often felt like I came too late and that I was a bother… I knew I was loved but I felt like I had to hurry and grow up, so that I could catch up. Turns out it backfired as I got severe anxiety and depression and am not able to live a normal life.
I’m the oldest and my parents were most strict on me. My younger sister was able to do whatever she wanted. Although I was the oldest, I never made the decision for the family. My dad who is a high functioning autistic person made all the decisions. None of us had independence. We were always given commands, never asked how we felt. All decisions were made by our parents. It didn’t matter what age we were. Honestly, at age 10 I was watching Barney with my youngest sister because my parents thought it was most appropriate. However, they were so wrong. I should have had the opportunity to watch something for my age group but everything was led by the youngest.
Hi, I think birthorder matters to a certain degree. But I think the personality we are born with is very important, because I guess it has a big influence on how we are perceived and treated by our parents. I am the youngest of two daughters, but the age gap between us is only 19 months. I can relate way more to traits from "the oldest child syndrome". I guess I could even explain the reason at least for some of it. But concerning this video, all in all I retaher relate to the feeling of having had to grow up faster. We both somehow did have to a certain degree, growing up in a toxic family and having our fair share of ace's (adverse childhood experiences) But as we were so close in age, since I can think the same level of "maturity" was expected from me compared to my sister. Like my mother makes her do exercises as preparation for graduating from primary to high school (after 6th grade where I live) and I HAVE TO participate (even if I'm "only" 4th grade). Just one random example. Also feeling like in order to "protect" mother (from stress) I can't be needy. I feel like my sister often was way more. But that's a story I could fill whole novely with. I just vividly remember one situation in 8th grade that made me feel pretty awkward. It was in french literature class where the teacher was discussing a story we were just reading and in which one of the characters was an youngest "spoiled-type" sibling. So the teacher went for the stereotype how the "baby of the family" get less stricter treatment etc. This totally triggered me. I raised my hand and argued how that was an unfair trope since in reality it could also mean that the youngest have to grow up faster because they are judged the same as their siblings, expected the same level of maturity. I stated this with so much emotional load that I almost teared up. All my peers were looking at me weird, even the teacher was a little taken aback at first, but agreed that there sure could be families like this too. As I rsaid, I felt very awkward for my impulsive reaction. Sorry for the long comment. But I wanted to share this little story. I have severe mental health issues and shortly after that incident, my parents divorced and I developed anorexia. This incident for me was one of the key moments that made me realize that something is "wrong", that it's not just me "overreacting (and the like), bat that there's something abnormal about the dynamic of my family.
I want to thank you immensely, Kati, for highlighting something I have been in a ruminative query over. In the next instant,, I’m looking at this presentation and wondering, “well, who doesn’t struggle with at least half of these things at some time in their life?”. As the youngest of a super-large family, there were several formative dynamics in play throughout my early life. I think it would be rather foolhardy for me to think that none of those headings represent my character, but other than #5, I don’t see myself squarely under those filters. Blind spots in play? Perhaps, yet at that, I reiterate my opening question-see that above☺️
I am the youngest of 3 girls and though I had a good Mother she was very overprotective of me,I didn't grow up with self confidence or good self esteem. I was almost 14 yrs old before I actually stopped sucking my bottle. I've lived with anxiety all of my life and while being a 56 almost 57 yr old woman,inside I'm still a child.
Wow I’m getting tired of finding out more and more things that are wrong with me… CSA, abusive older sister, alcoholic dad, dad and sis also highly likely narcissistic, emotionally immature codependent mom, adhd, and now there’s this. On the one hand it helps explain things, and helps me have self compassion for my struggles but it’s all piling up and starting to look insurmountable.
Hi Katy Morton, I’m an oldest daughter. With a younger brother & sister. But, instead of relating to the oldest child, I relate more with the youngest child. My Mom was the head of the household & she did everything. Rarely were we allowed to even help. When I became an adult I had to learn everything from scratch. Cooking, laundry, house cleaning, etc. Anyway, after watching your videos, I’m lost.
7 yrs between myself and my older sister, no abuse or violence at home, but definitely felt i was neglected, as if my parents had got over the thrill of being parents, my mum suffered with depression most of her life, there was no fun at home and mum was always angry with me, i now have lots of mental issues in my older life.
So I saw you have this video for the family littles and I saw you have one for the eldest daughters. But I'm hoping us middle and onlys get a video. (I was raised as the middle child through elementary and middle school, then lived as an only child with my grandparents in high school, so I'm sure I've got a mix of both lol)
I identify with most of what you described. However, far from feeling that I needed to grow up faster, I felt like I was not being allowed to grow up at all. This made it more difficult to make my own decisions when I needed to. Being overprotective feels good for the rest of the family, just not for the victim, the youngest child. Cultural influence was a factor for me. As in previous generations in some cultures, Hispanic included, the youngest daughter is expected to put her life on hold to be the only one responsible for parents. I believe that everyone, especially youngest children, should be in therapy at some point, or points, in their lives in order to not miss out on the best life they can experience.
For me I'm only 13 turning 14 tomorrow but all my siblings are adults besides one who's 17. I'm the youngest of 5 kids and ever since I was 10 and 11 I've always felt like I act way too young or way too old for my age. Sometimes I feel way too mature for my age and i feel like an adult. Other times I feel way too childish and immature for my age and feel like I act like a little kid. Idk if this is the result of being the youngest or if it's normal teenage development or both.
As far as rebellious goes, would that also include destroying your work if it does not succeed the way you wanted it to, say it be a you tube video or art work you post online or even that story you are trying to write?
My identity confusion stems from the fact that my identity traits were never appreciated, nurtured, supported, instead I was pushed to conform to the more generic and appreciated traits of my older sister. The result is a feeling of frustration and self doubt that never leaves me, no matter my achievements.
My great-grandfather on my father's side was 14 years-old when his father died and he was the youngest child. He didn't get any inheritance because he had about 4 older siblings from my great-grandfather's 2nd wife. His first wife had 6 kids too. He became a laborer and suddenly died in 1927 while looking for work in Oklahoma. My grandfather was born in 1927, so he didn't even get to know his father. In 1945 when my grandfather turned 18 years-old he was drafter into World War 2. He got married and in 1952 one of his oldest children was my father. He didn't get any inheritance too because he was the youngest child and both his parents died by the age of 40. My father was going to be drafter into the Vietnam war, but instead of getting drafted he enlisted in the US Navy. After the US Navy he got married and had me in 1981. Since he was a raging alcoholic Baby Boomer, I got put into a foster home when I was 2 years-old. I got adopted into a family with 3 other kids when I was 5 years-old and was the youngest child. I think I'm suffering from over 100 years of Youngest Child Syndrome combined with decades of narcissistic abuse from Baby Boomer parents and Baby Boomer managers at the various jobs I've had. I've healed a lot because I went no contact with all the narcissists in my life, but I'm still wondering where the adults are in the world thanks to Boomers who should have been my role models, not there to dominate me and keep me down in life.
I'm the youngest of three girls. I disagree with most of what you said. I've always been in charge of my life. I took my own path, made my own decisions. I was not so much spoiled as I grew up under conditions much different than my siblings. My oldest sister didn't get as much I did because she had newly married, limited income parents. Some of the rules changed as I grew up because my parents were more experienced, income had improved. Even social mores had changed. My oldest sister complained that she never got to drive mother's car and I did. Well, when she was a teen, mother didn't drive or have a car. I think you missed a big component in your analysis. The baby boomers have probably gone through more social change than any other generation. My older sister is at the beginning of the boom and I'm at the end. That's a lot of social change. Go back to the drawing board.
I’m the oldest and have one other sibling. But I am a mother of 3. My youngest is 16 and the last one left at home. I want to learn how to understand him better so I can be a better mom to him. This is why I’m watching the video 😊 0:42
I'm the youngest of six and was very ill as a child. As an adult I asked my parents what I was like as a child, and my father said, 'you never caused us any trouble', and my mother said, 'yes she did, she was always sick.' Which I interpreted to mean that I was invisible to my father and a patient to my mother. No wonder I struggle with identity.
I'm the only child and I relate to all of these things, but I definitely wasn't coddled or even protected, while also being refused any kind of guidance to becoming independent
It's even worse when there's a big age gap between the youngest and the rest. I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. The nearest sibling to my age is 9 years older. The eldest is 20 years older.
I'm the youngest of two siblings , an older brother and sister. My older brother is 6 years older and my sister is 12 years older. I was born two and a half months premature and soon afterwords I developed a seizure disorder, that I outgrew so from that point on to about maybe when I was about 12 when the seizures stopped I was watched like a hawk. There are times where I feel like I'm being watched,but I tend to ignore it or attempt to ignore it. I do feel like I don't get taken seriously or my words don't carry that much weight,even with other adults. I do have identity confusion just beacause of how much I was watched over, and I'm currently in therapy to investigate that along with other things.
Also youngest usually are the jesters in the home because it's a means to speaking truths without challenging family roles. You can speak your mind without challenging an older sibling's authority.
25yo girl here my mom put pressure on us to find jobs my sister are 28 and 33 and didn't experience all the preasure i have when they were my age at a point that i even think about pro*s*titution (to pay my student loan ) but I'll just try starting another business hope it won't fail again😅
My biggest default behaviour is to 'GET OUT OF THE WAY!' I have an awful time making decisions. I often have no idea what I want to do. Made for a bad relationship when I was married to someone who tended to be controlling.
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It's weird, in many ways my mother was overprotective but at the same time she was neglectful.
I had the same experience. As a teen, I wasn't allowed to go outside without an adult but my mother would never step up for me. She rarely ever went outside so because of that, I was stuck. It's a mix of being overprotective. Selfish & therefore neglectful.
My oldest sister was more of a mother to me, the youngest in the home
true for me too and my father was always critical.
I experienced the same thing
Same, I'd say the overprotectiveness was in regards to danger/health but there was neglect in needs (either emotional or physical). Also I never felt like my opinion had any weight so that might, in fact I stopped having opinions and wishes which also might play a part in why I feel neglected.
Ditto 💯
The feeling of having to grow up fast is definitely a thing with youngest siblings and it’s not talked about enough. As someone already said, my mom was overprotective while also being emotionally neglectful
Learned helplessness was also very real for me because I was raised to doubt or second guess my ability to do things because of my disability. It took a long to stop second guessing myself and start trusting my own judgment
SAME !!!!! My mom is also overprotective and emotionally neglectful. Glad you start to trust your own judgment ❤
This, combined with a narcissistic parent and all the messed up family dynamics they tend to create, is what I call a bloody nightmare.
I have a Behavioural Science (Psychology) degree & have been doing a deep dive into a number of Psychological topics for OVER 35 years now. Topics which include: trauma; anxiety; depression; narcissism; OCPD; OCD; parental styles; dysfunctional family dynamics; etc. I come from a HIGHLY dysfunctional family. And yet, my parents say I'm the problem!
I am certain my Mum has undiagnosed OCPD with comorbid Moderate Grandiose Narcissistic Traits who married a man (my Stepfather) who is a Codependent Enabler with a Fawning Trauma Response. For the 1st, 3rd of my life I was the Golden Child. So think not just overprotectiveness & micromanaging, but also Enmeshment, Parentification & Emotional Incest.
But ever since I started calling my Mum out on her abusive behaviour (not a good idea btw, but I can't help it), I am now the Scapegoat. The underlying OCPD means she is a hypercontrolling perfectionist who constantly undermines her family, whilst the Narcissism means she is constantly trying to boost her own ego at the expensive of others using all the usual narcissistic tactics.
On top of all the underlying Familial Psychological Comorbidities, there have been several (5+) very BIG life-changing highly impactful traumatic events, any one of which would typically result in a pretty serious trauma response. Not surprisingly, given 4.5 decades of complex trauma, this has TOTALLY derailed my life. Despite always being regarded by my peers as being highly intelligent with a very strong work ethic, chronic Pathological Perfectionism has completely crippled me.
I suspect I also suffer from CPTSD, Social Anxiety, Depression, Suicidal Ideation, OCPD (with possible comorbid OCD), & maybe even Mild Vulnerable Narcissistic Traits (though I'm less sure about the narcissism part). In short, I am very broken & have pretty much given up on life now. So yes, I agree with you COMPLETELY - it is a bloody nightmare! And BTW, I'm very sorry about the LONG rant. 😢
You are not alone, dear 💜
The time for our healing on earth has come now. Your suffering will not be in vain 💚 You are one of the bravest, most persistent and most loving souls on this planet. You’re a shining star with a beautiful potential that is about to manifest itself more than ever soon. We‘ll make it 💗 There are many of us. We all are working together on a certain level, and although we often feel so disconnected, in truth we are‘nt. You will make it, I can see it... and I‘ll make it too, and many others and our life will be brighter, lighter and easier, not so exhausting anymore but more relaxed, with more life, love, joy and inner peace and freedom.
✨❣️✨❤️✨❣️✨
Agree! I have been pushed into the role of mother, caregiver, psychologist and judge by my parents. It is such a weird feeling to feel like a kid all the time and also being pushed into such adult assignments. One moment they treated you like the adult your are and the next moment they refuse to believe anything you say because "what does a kid know about anything!"
They left me with a mind full of "what the f?" and a constant need to feel safe/acknowledge and gaining a "ok" from others (so #3 and#4) because even in the age of 30+ I still feel like a freaking kid.
@@carlmullerlane I am sure I got my perfectionism issue from having a narc dad. I think it is the attempt to try to be so amazing that they cannot yell at us for anything, but we all know after some time, they will always find something to yell about or pout about... Even when they are not in or life, it is a nightmare patching all the holes they left.
@@Summer_and_Rain Mental health professionals refer to this as Enmeshment, Parentification & Emotional Incest. Enmeshment is a rel'ship characterized by a LACK of health boundaries & can occur in any rel'ship, not just parent/child. Parentification is where the roles of the parent & child become reversed & the child begins to take on adult responsibilities. Emotional Incest is where you become the emotional caretaker of the parent, essentially turning you into a pseudo-spouse. Now technically, these can occur independently of one another, but are very often seen collectively, with a great deal of overlap.
All are very damaging to a child & often result in a number of psychological problems in adulthood, including issues around attachment & boundaries in subsequent rel'ships, anxiety disorders, depression, & even personality disorders. All my life I have experienced all of these abuses, & it sounds to me like maybe you have too. I remember attempting to set healthy boundaries from about the age of 15 (an example of parentification), only to have them repeatedly violated. And now as an adult, when I stand up & call out abuse (whether against myself or others), I am usually told that I need to mind my own business & learn to respect boundaries. The irony of this is utterly staggering!
It was less my parents "didn't want to parent anymore" than it was "they didn't want to be married to each other anymore". "Staying together for the kids" has good intentions (I guess), but is actually damaging. It wasn't an accident that my parents' marriage fell apart in my (the youngest) last year of high school.
Still better than the alternative according to statistics
I had similar situation. My older siblings thought it would be better for me, if our parents didnt divorce but, all of them moved out after 2-3 years, leaving me alone with parents wrangling and arguing each other. I was still child at that time 😅
@@Bucephalus84the statistics are likely missing a critical variable: *emotional health*
It does severe damage to children who learn from their parents what they are primed to believe is a loving relationship, but in reality is unloving. Really primes you for repeated failure in that critical area of life.
I think / hope / wish the mental health experts who point out that some of us who may have developed learned helplessness since others - parents and/or siblings - who DIDN'T WANT us to be able to learn how to make decisions but also refused to help us when we were faced with a problem that nobody in the family could solve while also actively discouraging us from seeking help anywhere else, could also offer some suggestions for when we now actively try to seek help but are turned down again and again and others REFUSE to help us. There's a lot of advice to "don't be afraid to ask for help" but I think what some of us really fear is asking for help with really complicated, serious "grown up" problems when all we receive after screwing up that courage is refusals and, at best, terrible "advice".
Great point.
Say it louder for all the "professionals" in the front that have regurgitated this advice religiously while consistently refusing to ACTUALLY HELP people
Been "seeking help" for over a decade only to be gaslit and dismissed the same way my POS family did
Everything that you said!!!!!! I couldn’t even say it better omg. I just feel you ❤️
Oof! That opening resonated hard. I’m the youngest of six and there is a significant age gap between myself and my older siblings. Half of them were teenagers when I was born. Because of that age gap I always felt like I had traits of a youngest child but more traits of an only child since they were all out of the house before I finished elementary school.
But that opener makes me realize that maybe I have more youngest child traits than I realized because every one of them, especially the not feeling like my opinions mattered and feeling like (knowing) that my parents were tired of parenting by the time I came along really, REALLY resonated.
Wow. Im the youngest of 4 with closest sibling 15 years older. Deeply resonates. Im now 55, divorced after 31 years to a bpd narc- super controlling that I now understand why I am the way I am. How to deal with the people who take advantage of this “weakness” - as perceived by the predator type who, when you need help or guidance- create dependency dynamics. It feels super vulnerable and hard to trust others. I definitely have felt like i was “in trouble”. How to overcome this?
Youngest of 7 here. Your whole comment resonates with me *completely.* For me, there were also dynamics of overprotection and always being considered “young”even though I’m decades old.
Youngest of 5 . My oldest brother is 15 years older than me. My next oldest is 6 years older. All my opinions were shut down or laughed at & consequently I am a very shy quiet,yet angry person now.
By the time I was 12 the house was completely empty & I loved it. I’m the same today . Would much rather be on my own - alone. Not lonely : I prefer it.
Not lonely at all ; I prefer it.
@@likeretirement3245 very similar! My oldest sibling was 16 when I was born and number five was seven when I was born. I am 50 now, and they still rarely value my opinion and usually don’t even ask for it when it comes to anything to do with the family which is super frustrating. I was extremely shy like you when I was younger and a bit of a loner but I am quite gregarious now and probably more vocal with my opinions when it comes to them than I should be lol. But I’m kind of glad of it because it has taught me to be very assertive, but also kind and diplomatic so while it’s annoying I’m glad that I have those traits.
I can relate! I'm the youngest of 4 and the oldest, my brother is 22 years older than me, oldest sister is 20 years older and my other sister is 9 years older.
I'm the youngest of three, with a fair age gap between. One of my brothers was already in his mid-teens when I was born. Much of this video rings true. I avoid responsibility, letting my husband take the lead with all bills and 'adult' tasks. I find decision making an agonising task, almost always deferring the final decision to someone else or if I have to make a decision, looking for feedback afterwards. Both of my older brothers call me 'little sis' despite being in my late 30's and it makes me feel like they don't see me as capable or that I ever will be. I would not say I'm reckless aside from my avoidance of certain things which my husband doesn't look after like car tax, MOT etc. these frequently fall behind because I can't face them and leads to me 'chancing' not being caught out. That's about as reckless as it gets, otherwise I would say I'm extremely risk-adverse. I never feel like an adult in situations, even I am the eldest in a group, I'm submissive to those around me and have a huge urge to obey anybody with more authority or even just more confidence.
As the youngest child, I connect well with fellow youngests. My friends, wife, and I share common experiences of not being overprotected but rather neglected, abandoned, and abused by our family. We were expected to match the capabilities of our older siblings without guidance, often becoming scapegoats due to our perceived weakness. Understanding each other, we find it challenging to engage with older or middle children.
60yo still looking for the adult in the room.
Im the youngest sister, and my upbringing just blended my brain. I was treated like a child when it came to making decision, but treated like an adult when it came to taking care of my older sisters kids,(more like aa mom then an aunt), dragging my drunk/high sister out of ditches or crack houses, going for walks to buy weed with my mom and standing outside alone or inside if the dealer was more of a friend. I was an adult when having to hand over babysiting money, being ok with missing school to take care of babies. But when I asked my mother to not take back her abusive boyfriend, I was just a child and had no say.
I dont feel like an adult or a child, I feel like Im forever 15 or something.
Wow, that was a lot to deal with.
Really relatable. I'm so sorry.
You can also feel invisible as the youngest child, & like your parents are already burdened enough by everything else.
Or that your mistakes are really noticeable because you're the youngest & not as mature as everyone else yet.
Ohhh exactly! More like we try to be invisible since our parents got enough burden by everything else so we don't want to put more into it
And also when elder people argues or make mistake, youngest children gotta apologizes, becuase they are grown up
and grown ups never makes mistakes .
parents want them to be better than oldest child
Exactly. Why is it that my oldest sister throws all her problems on my mother and I keep mine to myself?
Yes!!
@leogrrrl5876 Absolutely. I feel you on that one. I will also add that you sometimes feel labeled and conned into this manipulative, spoiled role that you don't even want. Because you come across "helpless" when you genuinely don't know how to do something, you get snarkiness from your older siblings who say, "Figure it out! Grow up! Stop expecting everyone to do everything for you! Stop acting helpless!" You aren't trying to be helpless or have people do your work for you. For me, that was the LAST thing I wanted. I wanted to take responsibility and be mature and work hard. I didn't want to be overly dependent on anyone. But whenever you mention wanting to do something out of the ordinary, you get told, verbally or nonverbally, that you can't handle it, you're too young, or that you are not responsible. Again: enter, older siblings, who see all of your flaws, mistakes, misbehavior and disorganization because Mom and Dad always gave you to them for babysitting or "second mother" duties and they are not shy on reminding you what you lack and how much they have to do for you and how much you seemingly benefit at their expense and get things they didn't get. The latter of which is not your fault, by the way. I was not a demanding kid, but it always looked that way, because people would always give me stuff and make me feel like I was silly for refusing. So, I got the all too familiar narrative that I was spoiled and I got away with murder. Very isolating. Felt misunderstood and defective.
I am the youngest of six. My mother had five children close together, waited five years, then had me. I had the experience of being lied to by my siblings and then laughed at for my gullibility, having all worthless and silly opinions, physically thrown around like a football, treated as a germ ("Don't make us take her, we don't want to babysit!") and then resented for basic good things that came my way (as if they were never indulged as young children.) Objectively speaking my siblings were better dressed and better cared for when they were young, it's evident in the family pictures. I wore their hand-me-downs and played with their broken toys and was scorned as the spoiled princess. I love my family and I've forgiven most of it. But having such a low pecking order in the family set me up for believing I should also be the most rejected person in my class at school, and I should tolerate all kinds of ill treatment from others almost as a matter of course....it snowballed.
Same but only my siblings and I have a 10 year age gap.
Younger siblings are never recognized as actually having problems. As always. It’s a shame. We’re always overlooked as being babies. I also didn’t like the usage of “happy” home or being “well-liked.” Not all younger siblings have that.
I know my parents did the best they could with me and my older sister, but I relate to a lot of this stuff too. One of the things I find rather hurtful is if I offer an opinion/advice it is not really taken unless my older sister echoes it. My mum will say of ("sis's name said such and such and I'm going to go with that or that it's a good idea" and then I say "That is exactly what I said to you earlier!" I guess it is not surprising that I am not good at trusting my own judgement a lot of the time.
As an adult I can tell you that being the youngest was a very lonely place. I had to figure things out on my own and the world seems scarier because I didn't have instruction or encouragement. I'm expected to be someone that is based on assumptions from the older members. I love my family but I didn't feel accepted and as an adult I got tired of feeling like I have no voice. I felt like I was looked down upon and it made me feel alone far longer. Honestly I didn't feel safe in my environment and it shows still. I definitely can relate to this video. I was given stuff but I still felt empty so that why I don't ask for presents on my birthday anymore. I've had enough and now I get frustrated with being a member of a family now
Very relatable to this youngest one left alone at home numbly watching TV for comfort while the single parent was at the bar. Years of no encouragement followed by confusion and impatience at my hesitation to execute plans, expecting spontaneous ambition and confidence. *Presence>>>>>>>>Presents*
@@Haley_Halo Parents need to understand what is required in order to really be there for their kids. Kids have needs that when neglected could result in difficult adult development. I had a recent flashback that had me crying immediately. As the youngest it hard to believe you have a voice so you hesitate to speak up or ask for certain things. I went to a summer camp at Sunkist in Miami. Because I didn't have an allowance and before I was 13 believed no would want to hear from me, when I went to David & Busters as a summer camp trip, I didn't ask for money for food or to play games..so for a few hours I watched kids play and enjoy the games while being hungry amd lonely. I had issues with social anxiety since I was a kid so it was rough memory. I have grown up and learned to approach social situations but haven't to figure out how to function in society and survive emotionally can overwhelm any kid. I was that kid and it still bothers me a lot but it doesn't define who I am and who I am still growing to be. Maturity is continuous and though I'm 28 years old, I have a hard time relating to people my age. Mentally I can display childlike qualities but then in some situations think I an elderly experienced person. It feels weird but I know I'm a blessing. Anyone who can relate with this. Just know that you can feel safe again and you are loved. Your valuable. Everything will be okay. Somethings make take time but you will learn to be more than okay. I was angry but I forgive my parents and I understand what was going on while I was a kid so I don't want anything of ill will to happen to them. I love my parents but I understand that they are not perfect and they tried their best. I'm am the same. Imperfect and trying to do my best. Being a positive influence is more important and valuable than fame or recognition. That's just facts. Fame and stuff doesn't satisfy. Letting God use me to lift someone else up, I cherish. God bless you all and Jesus Christ loves you :)
You are a blessing. You are valuable. You are important. Always were and always will be. =>@@christopherrosado8420
@@Haley_Halo A repressed memory came back that proves that my parents didn't always know what I needed. So I went to a summer camp in North Miami called Sunkist. I didn't get an allowance so when I took a trip to Dave & Busters with the summer camp, I didn't have money to but food or play video games. I watched other kids enjoying the games while I was hungry, waiting to return to the location where the buidling was located. Once this memory came to mind, I started crying. In my case, I understand that my parents had a lot on their plate but I honestly think that parents who are incompetent in the needs of their kids need to educate themselves before having kids. I love my parents but my childhood still troubles me. I believe it is possible to overcome but many side affects of my upbringing make interacting in public harder for me. Time doesn't heal but healing takes time. God can heal me but I know I still need help to really let it go. God bless you guys :) , I hope you have found strategies for how to overcome your difficult childhood
The Baby Boomers created this environment in the family. These narcissists have destroyed society.
As the youngest I was the scapegoat and family therapist and punching bag. I had NO childhood.
Also, I always did/do EVERYTHING on my own and learnt everything on my own.
I got hand-me-downs from a sibling who was three sizes larger than me. No one cared.
And I paid my own way my whole life, even paying for everyone else. But no more!
You were raised by narcissists that used the therapist to abuse you more?
@@rwdchannel2901 No, they used ME as their therapist. As if I was qualified to be one. I am not one.
@@bumblebee_ms parents divorced when I was 15 years-old. My father was using me as his therapist. He's a narcissist and wanted to keep me down in life so he could always feel superior. I had to go no contact with him when I was 35 years-old because I couldn't take his abuse anymore.
I was talking to a therapist about 5 years ago who wasn't very good. He actually blamed me for my father not feeling wanted anymore. My father was divorced 3 times and has 8 children. I was the youngest child. How would it be my fault that he doesn't feel wanted anymore? That's why I'm cautious around therapist now too.
Your videos often pierce my heart. I am the youngest of two daughters. For me the experience wasn’t that of overprotection or spoiling; it was neglect and non-appreciation. My sister was very much longed for after a miscarriage. I was an unwelcome surprise. My sister was the extrovert; the chatty, the fun one. My own personality and talents were never given credit for. She was the one to achieve milestones first; by the time I came around there was no interest. My own feelings and plans had no validation and no support. I grew up very independent but also very lonely, and believing some experiences were out of my reach. As an adult I keep my mother (and sister) in the dark about quite serious health and personal issues. Frankly I do not expect her to care or support in any way so I just give up. I literally act as my own issues aren’t relevant; that’s what I have been taught after all. In my job I do struggle to advocate for myself and I definitely see my boss (who is an older woman) as an un-appreciative figure I struggle to get validation from. Thank you for shedding a light on the youngest siblings issues, these are very rarely addressed.
Another thing I experienced being the youngest was being called out for acting my age when I was younger. My older, more developed siblings had less tolerance for me being childish even when I was, indeed, a child. I got little for being a kid.
I think my Mom didn't want to parent any of her children beyond their preschool ages. She also kept adding my name (her youngest child) to cards she sent to relatives, even when I was an adult and no longer living with her. She seemed to view me as an extension of herself instead of a distinct individual.
I'd like to see an exploration of the issues around being an only child.
YES
THIS! Why do I relate to all of these when I was expected to be a little adult with no actual autonomy practically since the second I popped out?
m m
Being the youngest and the only girl is really a mixed blessing.
I am a youngest child and I some of those things rang close to home. What I deduct, is that I have often troubles making big decisions by myself. I need affirmation by someone else. And sometimes I feel like a child again, when the others try to go over me, because I am the youngest. This does not sit well with me.
Great video, as always!
I feel this so badly...
I used to struggle a lot with most of these except maybe Recklessness (outside of maybe procrastination) & the identity confusion wasn't so much needing others to tell me who I was, more of just thought my purpose was to feel like crap to make others feel better. Though not from per se neglect or overprotection, but from toxic mom that I had a fawn response to that led to people pleasing. It's kinda hard to make a decision when your mom pretty much instilled the idea that some decisions are going to get you in trouble even if you followed her chore list properly. But yeah, between some self work (that helped the dread induced procrastination especially) & eventually finding a fantastic therapist, I've been slowing down the people pleasing & finding things a lot less daunting.
Wow... this one hit close to home. All of it really spoke into how I felt, and I've always felt like I was a child... even now at 46 I still struggle making decisions for my kids and I because I don't think that I'm capable. I'm the youngest twin, and my sister has always been the model child. And I was the "crazy" and "unpredictable" child. Thank you for this!! I'm sending this one to my therapist :)
I'm the youngest of 5. There's a 12 year age difference between the oldest and me--that dynamic played into it. I also lost my father to a heart attack just before I turned 10, so my mother shut down and didn't know how to handle it. Also, my entire family was athletic except me. I was the "smart one," so I never fit in. As an adult, I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I'm fairly certain I have CPTSD as well. I do everything alone--travel, movies, meals, hanging out at home, because I never got a vote in what the family did so now I want to do things my way. It's interesting how people's lives are impacted by so many factors.
As always, love your video!
I have learned helplessness, my sister is 5 years older than me and my brother is 7 years older than me. Always felt everything you have said about the topic. I moved out and started a new life away from my parents and siblings where i could finally be independant
I am the 5th daughter and my only brother was the only boy
I got completely lost in the mix. It took a long time for me to adjust as an adult. But now I am stable and strong.
I'm a youngest child and honestly didn't relate to most of this 😅 When I was born was when the family fell apart so I was always expected to handle my own problems and also be a support for those around me, including adults. I never experienced that sheltered youngest child stuff. I looked out for myself and nobody was babying me.
good for you. the epidemic of adults with learned helplessness drives me nuts.
My mom was the youngest of seven with divorced parents. The parents were totally checked out before my mom came along and her siblings terrorized her. She looked out for herself from the beginning and is practically the opposite of this. I really don't believe in these birth order stereotypes.
@TGCuz they're less stereotypes and more common patterns.
Note that I said *common* not universal. Of course birth order does not solely determine one's life, but the patterns seem to be commom enough that people who relate might find healing in understanding what caused them to be a part of that pattern.
@@FirstnameLastnames i'm also a bit sensitive about it because i'm an only child and the stereotypes i dealt with as a kid were HORRIBLE. i think there were a lot of positives to it, and i wish they would get the same attention as the negative stereotypes. i can entertain myself better than anyone i know and am super observant, because i was always making things up and observing the world alone as a kid. but i almost never tell anyone i was an only kid, and if i do, i also mention my two step-siblings, because i am still hurt by the things i was called as an only child and even now i think that having step-siblings (even though we hardly knew each other) makes people less likely to see it in such a negative way.
Your parents are supposed to be role models for you. You had to get mentorship from somewhere to learn to take care of yourself.
It was weird dynamic. On one hand at age 19 my parents got a divorce and all my siblings were gone. I was finishing highschool while also working and paying part of moms mortgage. But if I looked to siblings for help or even emotional support I was “spoiled baby” that was getting something by “living at home” ... Same when she got cancer and needed help. … I am finding my own stability and assured ness many years down the line. But doing it .. and I just wished that it happened while she was still alive.
This is me, and I used to be sad about the years I’d spent being dependent on others’ opinions about me and external validation, and the opportunities lost to learnt helplessness. Now, I’ve accepted my need for external approval and learnt to surround myself with supportive people who also respect my boundaries, and steer clear of people who undermine me. If this is the way I function, I’ll be aware of it and use it to my advantage! Same about idealising “adult” authority figures: I remind myself I won’t see this person through rose-tinted glasses forever, as sooner or later they, too, will show some character flaws. I also remind myself that any and every decision I will make will be flawed - and that it’s okay and I will deal with the aftermath. But yes, when I’m stressed or upset, the pesky youngest child programming does rear its ugly head. It’s a process, and it never ends. Thanks for the informative video :)
So how would one transition from feeling like being in child-adult relations to actually feeling like being in proper adult-adult relations?
Or how to feel less childlike because just pretending to feel like an adult doesn't sound like a solution that way one might feel like an imposter under the adults 🤔
I plan on writing a book about my life as the youngest sibling and about the challenges of hyper self awareness. I have a plethera of information and questions with answers about "why's, how's", "why does each sibling have certain conditions?". I want to cure the hardship that families face when it comes to trust in each other. I think this series of syndromes, from youngest to oldest, influences the thought process of families drastically. I believe these syndromes stem from insecurities and confusion on the fundamental values of each member's core.
Oldest daughter here looking to better understand what the youngest sister may have felt our entire lives. Thank you for these videos.
Yes! Not ever feeling like you can make and learn from your own decisions...afraid of making mistakes and failing...etc etc etc.
Although I am the middle kid in my family, because of my heart condition and some cognitive differences affected by surgies and physical development, I have been treated like the youngest sibling.
So because my Parents sometimes assumed that I couldn't do things or because I didn't get as much verbal encouragement and validation (perhaps I learned this verbal validation from medical professionals?) I haven't felt confident enough to launch out and do things myself.
I do tend to look for help from others and have either felt like I don't care about trying or that I'm not sure how to begin with becoming more proactive, even when I've graduated from highschool and a few associates degrees from a local college.
Thanks for taking time to help me and others understand this subject. 👍
I was never the baby... I was the unwanted one. The oldest was dead, and the middle was an introvert. She was the quiet one that did as she was told. I had behavioral problems and my parents couldn't/wouldn't handle it. I was the problem, I ruined our family.
This sounds like my situation growing up. My brother, older and had "behavioral issues" and me the youngest introverted and "didn't cause any issues". Survival traits are/were present for both of us though. His were easily visible, why he continued being the scapegoat and mascot of the family. Yet, I wish I could have been more like him. Mine were internal. Depression, not feeling good enough, no sense of self, suicidal ideation, and ultimately addiction. The last part led me on a continual journey still part of today which changed my life.
Idk what my brother thinks or even feels these days, he pulled away almost 2 decades ago. I've tried to reach out, but if he's not ready...he's not ready. I know our parents did the best they could, but how we grew up affected me and could be today. With therapy and ACA I found a way to break those roles. I was hero and lost child. Also just learning about eldest daughter and youngest child (me as well). Took some time but was well worth it.
I was observing him from the outside and making judgements. Honestly, I wish I could've have been more like him..he was popular, funny, jokester. What I know now, we were both asking for help just in our own ways.
Eldest child syndrome? Let’s find out more: th-cam.com/video/GkddXAf-578/w-d-xo.htmlsi=sBVL-nYiSH9Lnqfu
Do you have a video about middle children?
@@emilyneuls Of course, not! Middle children are ignored or left for last... once again.
Youngest of 3 here (2 older sisters )& DEFINITELY related to most of these , especially to hierarchy structures & the anxiety of getting “in trouble” & paying unexpected bills /doing my taxes 😬
This was the best, most affirming, most helpful video that I have ever watched. Thank you.
I can definitely relate to the feeling of being unable to feel like an adult. My oldest sibling is 22 years older than me! I moved out when i was 20 and was in a few toxic relationships for 10 years and now I've moved back home. I've isolated myself and feel like im going backwards. I want to find a good therapist but I'm unemployed. Looking for a job has always been extremely hard. I did it for 10 years however the last two jobs i had were very toxic and abusive so I have a little ptsd. I would love it if anyone knows how to find a good therapist that is affordable, much love to everyone! Thank you Katie for all you do❤
I am SOO Grateful for this video Kati
This sooo ACCURATE and SUCH an eye-opener
I was wondering how do I take action next? ( I want a video THIS meaningful to be incorporated in my life but I don't know how).
Oh my god I relate to #4 so hard, I struggle to comprehend that there are people younger than me and I’m 23 😂. I’ve always had older friends and I have one older sibling. I qualify as a paramedic in a couple of months and we do placement (UK here). It was the end of a night shift in resus and I dared to walk through the ED to make some relatives some cups of tea, and this guy in the waiting room made eye contact & I just knew he was gonna do some weird shiz (the hospital/location is notorious). As I got closer, and whilst attached to his IV, he just launched himself onto the ground in front of me. Now I’m very much a fan of minding my own business, and very unfazed by things, so I stepped over and took a few more steps wondering who was gonna deal with him before realising ‘oh it’s me’. I remember the couple of seconds of realisation being very confusing like I’m literally a child and this is a grown man? I did then return and some real grown ups came over, but they were being too nice and soft and I now had some newfound assertiveness because I have my ‘adult licence’ (and was tired). So I sorted it and got him back in his chair. But it stays with me and I realise I’m not the youngest anymore and I am, in fact, an adult. Wild.
Thank you for acknowledging other factors influencing different behavioral outcomes. I think birth order can still play a role, but it is important to examine the way a family functions as well as larger age gaps between siblings can influence different (or even completely opposite) outcomes such as this.
What if the youngest is born when the second youngest is just a couple or a few years away from legal adulthood (even a 6 year age gap is pretty big)? What if the parents work excessively and then spend more of their leisure time with other adults than their own children and the older siblings, more often than not, exclude the youngest from their activities (unless they're bored enough to decide to bully the youngest)? In that note, could the youngest have learned toxic independence in a family system that neglected them or devalued them?
Could the youngest also seek external validation to counter chronic invalidation if they happen to be the scapegoat?
Another thought to chew on is "what if the person was an only child until almost adulthood (4 or fewer years from 18)?" If they still have only child behaviors, why would acquiring oldest child status so late invalidate that?
My mother was very physically and emotionally neglectful. My sister was a nasty jealous bully. Neither of them wanted me to succeed. My alcoholic sister is still the same bully.
Some of us never had a chance, did we?
I'm the youngest of 5. I'm 31 now there still are good and bad things😢 just to add my oldest brother is 18 years older than me, and the 4th sibling is 6 years older than me, I've always been the "baby"
Snap!
I can relate to much of this. But my learned helplessness as a younger sibling comes from being the only one left in a home with an addict.
1. I'm given the chance to be independent and I'm the eldest of the family as well. Although, I'm really bad at making decisions and being independent even though my father wants me to be so. This especially increased after the climax of my mental health issues. I've increased sense of Anxiety. Why do you think that happened to me Kati?
2. I'm highly asocial and neglected by the society. They stigmatize me and I'm not good at getting friends even though I want sometimes. I also feel like I don't deserve friends. Although I'm currently not diagnosed with Depression or PTSD or BPD. (Diagnosed with Schizophrenia and OCD)
3. I always expect my father when I face challenging conversation. I start them like I'm someone incapable of handling complex conversations. Complexity means, something like steps of growing a plant, giving medications to an animal, Inquiring about electronic item etc.
4. I'm the quite opposite of recklessness. I feel the depth more than I should feel but super super incapable. Why?
5. Also what's the difference between Dependent Personality Disorder and Youngest Daughter Syndrome?
My parents locked me in a room to keep others away. My siblings resented this and kept calling me Queen Elizabeth and selfish and spoiled.
My second mom locked me up too I'm gonna do the same but the states won't let me retilate legally so I got too find a work around an accident something time will catch up though I'm coming for ya ...I still remember...I was a gold fish I don't know what I am now .
I was born when my parents were 45, and my three older brothers were about 12-14 years older than me. My parents were also both alcoholics (they drank EVERY night), and in an unhappy marriage. Hence, I experienced both neglect (by my parents) and overindulgence (by my brothers). This gave me both a sense of growing up too fast and entitlement. I think I felt sorry for myself, so I didn't think I "deserved" any more hardship--even when I engaged in reckless, irresponsible behavior. I was also relatively unassertive, having learned that no amount of assertiveness would change ny parents' behavior, and instead kind of just "went along for the ride" with my older brothers. I think there were still other complicating factors, but suffice to say, the consequences have been significant.
Wow pretty much all of this is so me! I am the youngest of three sisters but I'm also the only disabled one in the family which also adds a different element to the situation. I still feel like the child although I'm in my 40s. I've never felt confident about any decisions I make and often feel like I have to ask others for reassurance as if I'm still the child and others are the adult. It's almost as if I haven't grown up yet and I know that's not good. How do you even get unstuck from this and progress on from it? Making wrong decisions feels almost devastating and can be embarrassing sometimes.
Most middle child thing ever is having no video on the middle child
There are absolutely no photographs of me as a baby. I was the 4th child out of 5.
LOL I just realized this after looking for it
Not the middle child (youngest) but made the same observation; I wanted to learn what it's like. We're sorry our existence erases yours, we wish we weren't so coddled.
Also, the eldest got a section dedicated to guidance on how to address their traits and that also tracks.
Total opposite in my family- youngest is the shining star, most confident and did her own thing in the best way! Now at 63 she’s doing retirement her way. I the middle child was invisible and took on all the roles of scapegoat etc. While she could do no wrong- all wrong was assigned to me by the adults ‘why did you do XXXX when it was the youngest all along. She and I are good friends now but we had our struggles in our youth for sure.
As the youngest of 3 girls, this resonates with me... especially number 4... I'm generally rebellious and a little irresponsible socially but when it comes to work...even as a manager i hate to question my boss too much, want them to gjve payrises by noticing my work, rather than asking... everytime they want a 'talk' I fear im going to be 'told off'.... it's confusing being both resentful yet fearful of authority
Add to this the fact that I was diagnosed with ADHD well before it was even called adhd. In fact the doctors use the term "minimal brain damage", apparently thinking it was caused by the numerous accidents I had from climbing trees and such.
One "Professional" actually told my parents cannot make me do it sure if I threw a fit because it would cause me psychological damage.
And it turns out one of my brothers has harbored intense resentment of me all these years.
Everyone telling you what to do
But not helping you out
And parents r just done parenting and wanna take a break , so no one is their to care about you
Yes that's the youngest child
Youngest child with autism here. Hit the nail on the head wity pretty much all of these, and I'm only the second of two siblings in my home...
I feel like when my parent got to me they were done with parenting . I was very sick as a new born and through elementary school.
My parents had four kids and thought they were done, but then they had me. So, I was the “baby” in addition to the other baby. There was also an age gap between me and the next youngest. I always say it’s like having extra moms who were more strict than your mom. Thanks for this! ❤
We constantly get told we’re an adult yet get treated like we’re a child. If they wanna tell us to grow up, LET US GROW UP
Hello Kati, keep up the good work. Love the hair btw.👍🏾
It certainly sounds familiar. And those dynamics are forever i can tell you. I am the youngest sister, now an old lady. My oldest brother sadly died a couple of years ago. Ofcourse it saddened me to the core, but at the same time there was a kind of relief! I finally felt i could freely make my choices without the fear of being judged. My friends, my taste in clothes, or music, or politics.... Always in the back of my head there was this insecurity: what would he think about this? Now i'm free.
Wow
6:46
Can't wait for the end of this "?"
It's true that the youngest sibling faces as much bs as the eldest as society loves to dictate your role, duties, feeling and understanding of the world and your very self.
The biggest struggle i found is being accepted for me, in the now and not the machinations of others.
I used to tell people, im the eldest, middle child and inevitably proved people's perceptions were in fact bias and their needs for role play in place of life.
Try it, its very freeing!
11:26
i definitely think the gender of the siblings can add different dynamics as well. ie I have two older brothers and am the youngest child who is a girl and was super overprotected by my parents
My oldest sister has dementia. She never made any contigencies for herself. She was diagnosed with early onset dementia while she still had a mind. When she was removed from her house because of hoarding, she was dumped on me. I spent two years trying to get her situated with very little help from anyone (despite me asking).
I am the oldest child, but still feel a lot of this.
and in true middle child fashion, we are left to watch others be addressed while struggling to simultaneously care for the younger (who rats on us and takes our toys and our share of attention and praise) when the older falls short, while trying to respect and learn from the older (who dismisses and belittles the shit out of us), and patch up our own shit, on our-childish-undeveloped-own, ending up without a self or specialty or a role since everyone in the hierarchy feels it's the norm to dismiss and belittle the middle child
i know i am being bitter
This is insanely correct. As the youngest child this is so true. I still deal with this stuff at 30
Youngest of 3 !! One elder half brother who is 15 years older than me, an elder sister who’s about 10 years older than me, and they always resented how my parents let me get away with so much. I had better stuff than them when they were growing up, and they complained about that too !! I just feel left out and mistreated !! I feel like I have to do the best at everything, especially since our father died over a year ago. My brother went to college when I was 3, then my sister at 9, and it was just a lot !! I guess you can say I felt abandoned or something. I’m much closer to my sister and I was with my brother, but it’s like everything became weird as we got older.
I was also younger by a couple years than my primary friend group growing up, so I think I was affected by sometimes being treated as "annoying little sibling" even by the kids who were supposed to be my peers.
now we just need the video on the middle child
I always heard my siblings talk about their childhood before me and how our mom was a stay-at-home-mom. They always had access to her. However after I was born my mom went back to work and I remember her always being busy. My sister is 9 years older than me, so I couldn’t play with her either.
I often felt like I came too late and that I was a bother… I knew I was loved but I felt like I had to hurry and grow up, so that I could catch up. Turns out it backfired as I got severe anxiety and depression and am not able to live a normal life.
I’m the oldest and my parents were most strict on me.
My younger sister was able to do whatever she wanted.
Although I was the oldest, I never made the decision for the family. My dad who is a high functioning autistic person made all the decisions. None of us had independence. We were always given commands, never asked how we felt. All decisions were made by our parents. It didn’t matter what age we were. Honestly, at age 10 I was watching Barney with my youngest sister because my parents thought it was most appropriate. However, they were so wrong. I should have had the opportunity to watch something for my age group but everything was led by the youngest.
Thanks for drawing on your training on Bowen systems family therapy this week, Kati! Have a good one.
@tatiannalloyd8053 What is your role in the business?
Hi, I think birthorder matters to a certain degree.
But I think the personality we are born with is very important, because I guess it has a big influence on how we are perceived and treated by our parents.
I am the youngest of two daughters, but the age gap between us is only 19 months.
I can relate way more to traits from "the oldest child syndrome". I guess I could even explain the reason at least for some of it.
But concerning this video, all in all I retaher relate to the feeling of having had to grow up faster. We both somehow did have to a certain degree, growing up in a toxic family and having our fair share of ace's (adverse childhood experiences)
But as we were so close in age, since I can think the same level of "maturity" was expected from me compared to my sister. Like my mother makes her do exercises as preparation for graduating from primary to high school (after 6th grade where I live) and I HAVE TO participate (even if I'm "only" 4th grade). Just one random example.
Also feeling like in order to "protect" mother (from stress) I can't be needy. I feel like my sister often was way more. But that's a story I could fill whole novely with.
I just vividly remember one situation in 8th grade that made me feel pretty awkward.
It was in french literature class where the teacher was discussing a story we were just reading and in which one of the characters was an youngest "spoiled-type" sibling. So the teacher went for the stereotype how the "baby of the family" get less stricter treatment etc.
This totally triggered me. I raised my hand and argued how that was an unfair trope since in reality it could also mean that the youngest have to grow up faster because they are judged the same as their siblings, expected the same level of maturity.
I stated this with so much emotional load that I almost teared up. All my peers were looking at me weird, even the teacher was a little taken aback at first, but agreed that there sure could be families like this too. As I rsaid, I felt very awkward for my impulsive reaction.
Sorry for the long comment. But I wanted to share this little story. I have severe mental health issues and shortly after that incident, my parents divorced and I developed anorexia.
This incident for me was one of the key moments that made me realize that something is "wrong", that it's not just me "overreacting (and the like), bat that there's something abnormal about the dynamic of my family.
That stuff happened to me and as a result I hated when people would help me with anything 1:51
I want to thank you immensely, Kati, for highlighting something I have been in a ruminative query over. In the next instant,, I’m looking at this presentation and wondering, “well, who doesn’t struggle with at least half of these things at some time in their life?”. As the youngest of a super-large family, there were several formative dynamics in play throughout my early life. I think it would be rather foolhardy for me to think that none of those headings represent my character, but other than #5, I don’t see myself squarely under those filters. Blind spots in play? Perhaps, yet at that, I reiterate my opening question-see that above☺️
I am the youngest of 3 girls and though I had a good Mother she was very overprotective of me,I didn't grow up with self confidence or good self esteem. I was almost 14 yrs old before I actually stopped sucking my bottle. I've lived with anxiety all of my life and while being a 56 almost 57 yr old woman,inside I'm still a child.
Wow I’m getting tired of finding out more and more things that are wrong with me… CSA, abusive older sister, alcoholic dad, dad and sis also highly likely narcissistic, emotionally immature codependent mom, adhd, and now there’s this. On the one hand it helps explain things, and helps me have self compassion for my struggles but it’s all piling up and starting to look insurmountable.
There is a lot of info about how parenting can affect us but not much about siblings... this really helps ❤
Hi Katy Morton, I’m an oldest daughter. With a younger brother & sister. But, instead of relating to the oldest child, I relate more with the youngest child. My Mom was the head of the household & she did everything. Rarely were we allowed to even help. When I became an adult I had to learn everything from scratch. Cooking, laundry, house cleaning, etc. Anyway, after watching your videos, I’m lost.
7 yrs between myself and my older sister, no abuse or violence at home, but definitely felt i was neglected, as if my parents had got over the thrill of being parents, my mum suffered with depression most of her life, there was no fun at home and mum was always angry with me, i now have lots of mental issues in my older life.
So I saw you have this video for the family littles and I saw you have one for the eldest daughters. But I'm hoping us middle and onlys get a video. (I was raised as the middle child through elementary and middle school, then lived as an only child with my grandparents in high school, so I'm sure I've got a mix of both lol)
I identify with most of what you described. However, far from feeling that I needed to grow up faster, I felt like I was not being allowed to grow up at all. This made it more difficult to make my own decisions when I needed to. Being overprotective feels good for the rest of the family, just not for the victim, the youngest child. Cultural influence was a factor for me. As in previous generations in some cultures, Hispanic included, the youngest daughter is expected to put her life on hold to be the only one responsible for parents. I believe that everyone, especially youngest children, should be in therapy at some point, or points, in their lives in order to not miss out on the best life they can experience.
For me I'm only 13 turning 14 tomorrow but all my siblings are adults besides one who's 17. I'm the youngest of 5 kids and ever since I was 10 and 11 I've always felt like I act way too young or way too old for my age. Sometimes I feel way too mature for my age and i feel like an adult. Other times I feel way too childish and immature for my age and feel like I act like a little kid. Idk if this is the result of being the youngest or if it's normal teenage development or both.
As far as rebellious goes, would that also include destroying your work if it does not succeed the way you wanted it to, say it be a you tube video or art work you post online or even that story you are trying to write?
My identity confusion stems from the fact that my identity traits were never appreciated, nurtured, supported, instead I was pushed to conform to the more generic and appreciated traits of my older sister. The result is a feeling of frustration and self doubt that never leaves me, no matter my achievements.
Oh man so much of this was me to a T. Thank you, Kati, for informing us so we can better understand ourselves and can ask for the right kind of help.
My great-grandfather on my father's side was 14 years-old when his father died and he was the youngest child. He didn't get any inheritance because he had about 4 older siblings from my great-grandfather's 2nd wife. His first wife had 6 kids too. He became a laborer and suddenly died in 1927 while looking for work in Oklahoma.
My grandfather was born in 1927, so he didn't even get to know his father. In 1945 when my grandfather turned 18 years-old he was drafter into World War 2. He got married and in 1952 one of his oldest children was my father. He didn't get any inheritance too because he was the youngest child and both his parents died by the age of 40.
My father was going to be drafter into the Vietnam war, but instead of getting drafted he enlisted in the US Navy. After the US Navy he got married and had me in 1981. Since he was a raging alcoholic Baby Boomer, I got put into a foster home when I was 2 years-old. I got adopted into a family with 3 other kids when I was 5 years-old and was the youngest child.
I think I'm suffering from over 100 years of Youngest Child Syndrome combined with decades of narcissistic abuse from Baby Boomer parents and Baby Boomer managers at the various jobs I've had. I've healed a lot because I went no contact with all the narcissists in my life, but I'm still wondering where the adults are in the world thanks to Boomers who should have been my role models, not there to dominate me and keep me down in life.
As a youngest I relate to almost all of these points! Never realized how much these things forge who you are. Great vid! 🥂👍💪
I'm the youngest of three girls. I disagree with most of what you said. I've always been in charge of my life. I took my own path, made my own decisions. I was not so much spoiled as I grew up under conditions much different than my siblings. My oldest sister didn't get as much I did because she had newly married, limited income parents. Some of the rules changed as I grew up because my parents were more experienced, income had improved. Even social mores had changed. My oldest sister complained that she never got to drive mother's car and I did. Well, when she was a teen, mother didn't drive or have a car. I think you missed a big component in your analysis. The baby boomers have probably gone through more social change than any other generation. My older sister is at the beginning of the boom and I'm at the end. That's a lot of social change. Go back to the drawing board.
I’m the oldest and have one other sibling. But I am a mother of 3. My youngest is 16 and the last one left at home. I want to learn how to understand him better so I can be a better mom to him. This is why I’m watching the video 😊 0:42
I'm the youngest of six and was very ill as a child. As an adult I asked my parents what I was like as a child, and my father said, 'you never caused us any trouble', and my mother said, 'yes she did, she was always sick.' Which I interpreted to mean that I was invisible to my father and a patient to my mother. No wonder I struggle with identity.
I'm the only child and I relate to all of these things, but I definitely wasn't coddled or even protected, while also being refused any kind of guidance to becoming independent
As the youngest of six, I honestly just feel really down after watching this. 💀
It's even worse when there's a big age gap between the youngest and the rest. I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. The nearest sibling to my age is 9 years older. The eldest is 20 years older.
Oh my word. I’m a 44 year old guy and I regularly find myself deferring to everyone else. Being overwhelmed by modest tasks
I'm the youngest of two siblings , an older brother and sister. My older brother is 6 years older and my sister is 12 years older. I was born two and a half months premature and soon afterwords I developed a seizure disorder, that I outgrew so from that point on to about maybe when I was about 12 when the seizures stopped I was watched like a hawk. There are times where I feel like I'm being watched,but I tend to ignore it or attempt to ignore it. I do feel like I don't get taken seriously or my words don't carry that much weight,even with other adults. I do have identity confusion just beacause of how much I was watched over, and I'm currently in therapy to investigate that along with other things.
Also youngest usually are the jesters in the home because it's a means to speaking truths without challenging family roles. You can speak your mind without challenging an older sibling's authority.
25yo girl here my mom put pressure on us to find jobs my sister are 28 and 33 and didn't experience all the preasure i have when they were my age at a point that i even think about pro*s*titution (to pay my student loan ) but I'll just try starting another business hope it won't fail again😅
My biggest default behaviour is to 'GET OUT OF THE WAY!' I have an awful time making decisions. I often have no idea what I want to do. Made for a bad relationship when I was married to someone who tended to be controlling.