*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
Signs it's reactive abuse: 1) You feel guilty for the way you behaved after the fact. 2) The other person knowingly set you off. 3) You're not abusive to other people.
Number three is a huge key there! But in the midst of recovering from it I found myself attacked by various flying monkeys and was almost gaslit to believe I was part of the problem to an extent
No.3 really made me think here. My partner makes me out to be an absolute monster but I don't act like this with anyone else.. like ever... in my whole life. Ever.
I won’t lie. I have taken some of my anger out on others from all the frustration. I didn’t want to and I have apologized, but I feel like I’m drowning. I have kept quiet for far too long that I am losing my sense of self. I am afraid to tell certain people what all this man did to me.
My ex is a narcissist and has even admitted to being one. He triggers me and I come back with reactive abuse and I can’t stand it. It’s not me, but I’m tired of it. He doesn’t understand this. I finally feel validated in how I’ve been feeling.
The problem with reactive abuse is that even narcissistic people who abuse you will also say that they reacted to your abuse or that you also provoqued them. So that makes it difficult to identify the real victim and the real abuser
Yes Details and the entire story matter, but good luck getting that out before the N starts fighting over examples, ppl tire of the fight and continue to treat the N w undeserved respect.
Or they use it against you and say see I can’t talk to you because you react this way and make you out to be the unhinged one.. sending you ti breaking point and when you are they love seeing it and act so calm when you are reacting to the emotional abuse and circles they put you in..
If we act like them, we engage in abusive behaviors. We have to be responsible and accountable for our behaviors. I'm dealing with reflecting on the times I have let those behaviors affect some of my most cherished relationships, and it still leaves me shaking with guilt and regret and shame.
Yes you are right ! It def should be called self defense ! I only lash out at my husband, no one else ! I’ve broke tons of things including tv’s and other items, some very expensive! I feel trapped inside myself with no way out of the intense stress and being unable to talk to him about it triggers me further, he says “ you’re trying to start a argument “ or “ you’re badgering me “.. all while he is all over me about anything and everything and he deems that to be ok, and I can’t tell him what he is / has been doing to my mental well being cause he doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to ! He can change like the weather, being more attentive to not at all, depending on what I am doing for him. I can’t even explain it cause it’s extremely complicated and confusing, which again makes me even more upset cause I can’t explain it fully. It’s subtle and has been going on for over 7 years. I feel like I have lost my mind and will never get it back !
Exactly! You read my mind. I feel guilty when I had to take stand for myself because if I starts to explain the situation you won't believe I have to go through every single day and I feel so claustrophobic living with the narcissistic family the amount of abuse I face they are after me to put their trauma in me. I will be honest that I always be silent when they do abuse because I know they want bad reaction and to provoke but when there's nothing to avoid them and I keep enduring and enduring and suppressing myself then I end up taking self defense. I won't wish the situation to anyone. Sometimes if there's god who can seeing this.
That kind of abuse is the most confusing and destructive. It left me feeling betrayed, and defenseless. Those wounds of self doubt and guilt run the deepest.
Wow I was just accused by my narcissist of being the narcissist. I have been worried all week that he was right. Look at all the crazy stuff I did. But now I know I’m not the narcissist. Thank you 🙏
Best thing to do is research the red flags of a narcissists so that no matter what someone says to you, you have facts so no one can guilt trip or gaslight you into submission. We always ask a third party and they're only going to tell us what we want to hear.
Your not the only one... He said I was gaslighting him. And after looking into videos about narcism and gaslighting. I was even doubting about maybe me being the narcissist. But now I learned I was responding harsly to him in the sense of him being unreasonable to me.
If you can run and don't look back if you can It is 20years to recover enough to realize I wasted a lot of time knowing what I knew all along. Something is not right.
My husband asked me to come out to dinner, I drove my car there, sat down, and I asked a question. He started hollering at me in the restaurant, I got up and walked out of the restaurant. Without saying a word.
This is exactly how it works. The only thing I'd add is that I don't think narcissistic people operate with a great deal of awareness, especially self-awareness, so I don't think they're generally calculating to trigger you. They're just doing them and this is how they are in the world. That's why trying to explain to them how they hurt you goes nowhere and ramps up your anger. The more you try to explain how they hurt you, the more they deny, blame-shift and scapegoat you, and the more you get triggered. The more triggered you feel, the more you react, etc. ad infinitum. The only thing that helps is prayer, space and getting around healthy people. Great video. Thanks.
I questioned my self and my intentions for so long. I felt so awful and bad, I don't normally break other people's DVD's and tell others they are dead me. I don't treat others that way. 😢 But yeah they wanted that because it made them look inoccent. I tried to help and help and help that person over and over and over again, and they just treated me like garbage everytime. And I adored them and I don't know why.
My dad is a pro at triggering this. Thankfully I learned in my 20's how to not fall for it anymore but it has left me lonely bc he convinced my entire family of his lies and I wasn't ever allowed to tell my side of the story. Such is life.
@@CommonEgo thank you for your work. I have been through decades of therapy and even majored in psychology for the short time I was able to attend college but it still helps to hear "refressers". I am so happy I found your channel. 🤗
I used to get so aggravated. “ Oh, you’re the one being rude, I’m talking in a calm tone of voice.” That was a long time ago. I don’t even respond. I get the “ Why are you being rude and ignoring me? I didn’t say or do anything to deserve that.” I used to calmly and shortly explain why when I knew they darn well knew why. On New Year’s Day 2023 a family game night. At the table “joking insults” were thrown right and left . Coming from all sides. It wasn’t even sarcastic humor, they were words deliberately meant to get a reaction. When I didn’t respond or react they went to my nephew sitting next to me. I could tell he was starting to crumble. His big sister stepped in and says why are you all being so passive aggressive? “ I was shocked I didn’t realize she’d taken my advice earlier this year and looked it up. Needless to say, the joking insults stopped. No apology. They went on playing the board game as if nothing happened those past 10 minutes. I’m proud I didn’t react . I’m proud my nephew didn’t and that my niece called out their bs.
Thank you! You just described 17 years of my marriage and now 9 years of "co-parenting". It is awful and much more heartbreaking to feel the helplessness in trying to protect your children from these abusers.
My daughter's bio mom is very hard to deal with and helping her navigate has been so challenging. Protecting the kids is borderline impossible. Good luck!
I'm sure it's not easy but try to feel thankful you're co-parenting and he didn't win cudtody. My ex had his teenage son and neglected him. He just left him gaming but i guess most kids were happy to do this. Then he left school with no results even though I tried to encourage him to study but his dad signed to say no exams. Two more years doing nothing only for his dad to throw him back to the mum when he turned 18 and child support stopped. Absolutely cruel.
@@sharonbell1094 notice the quotes around co-parenting. I fully understand the situation you describe. Prayers for your and your son's healing, as well.
Reactive abuse can also come from 'friends' or 'friend group'. After all these years i finally found the term used for it. They push exactly the right buttons to set you off, then you lash out and they remain silent. It always ends up looking like you're the one with the problem. Thank you for this video.🙏🏼
Thank you for going into reactive abuse more. I always felt like I was the abusive one for reacting to the things my ex would do to hurt or minimize me. Especially knowing that she never felt bad or took accountability for the things she did as well as her telling other people the things I did but never what she did to elicit my response. I know in the end, that was my fault exploding like I did and I still, almost a year later, feel guilty for the way I reacted. It took 2 years of her emotionally and mentally abusing me for me to reach that breaking point. I truly feel that even the healthiest of people would break when subjected to that mindf*ck on a weekly basis like I was
I relate to this so much. Zero accountability over how they trigger you for hours and never accept your accountability and role for initial issue. Then they keep looping and calling you names so you finally break and loose composure and say how you “feel” then you are a narcissist abuser. They literally are setting you up so they can see ahaaaa see I told you. You are the problem. How dare you! Devaluation/discard
She got upset when I stopped apologising for being upset and demonstrated I had no more patience for her behaviours and attitudes. She called this abuse and manipulated situations for a couple of months. I’m still thinking through everything, especially with family court for the child vastly approaching, I know I’m not an abuser, but her victim mentality seems so believable through her extreme and dramatic reactions.
Get a nanny cam and document everything with it,but not where she has any expectations of privacy ie, bathroom, bedroom.Ask a lawyer for a free consultation and document every interaction. Or she'll destroy you in court. So sorry you're going through this. This is what I had to do. I have the flash drive in a different bank that I haven't told anyone about in a safety deposit box.
7 months out of a 9 year relationship with a scary covert narc. 9 years ago I was a thriving, happy, quiet, driven person and before I finally broke free I was a constantly anxious, sad, tense, obsessive person. I would react constantly out if anxiety and was always trying to anticipate my partners next move. He constantly would do subtle horrible things to me and then I would cry or lash out and tell him to stop and he would tell me I need help. Tell me I’m not mentally stable and he needs to protect the kids from me. Eventually he couldn’t convince me things didn’t happen because he smashed my head into a wall and dented it. He wasn’t able to tell me I imagined it. I’m out of the fog now but I still struggle with questioning my own reality. Wondering how long it will be until I’m fully confident.
I am a victim of reactive abuse. Although the instigator has been convincing everyone that I am the abusive person. I even got called a liar last night by someone close to the instigator, even after showing him a video and explaining what was going on in it. Because I was reacting...and "winning", I was the abusive party. so nauseating.
Going through something very similar... unfortunately. Being threatened one way or another now just because I'm aware now and have cut all ties. It... is getting worse.. we are stronger and smarter than they want to believe.
The narcissist wants to push you to that “Reactive” state. I was ignoring a narcissist that was having a temper tantrum, and because I didn’t respond they kept saying “DO YOU HEAR ME!??! They wouldn’t stop yelling until I said “Yes”.
@@CommonEgo I've accepted the fact that not only is my husband a covert narcissist, but I've labeled him a "toddler." He acts just like you'd expect a 2 yo to act. Since you don't "react" to a 2 yo (at least, you shouldn't), I simply don't react to him. I keep remembering my mom saying, "You don't argue with your children. The minute you do, you've lost."
Yup, my narcissist just burst out attacking me one day, accusing me of something I clearly wasn’t doing, I tried to laugh it off and make light of the situation, then she accused me of laughing at her and got even madder, you can’t reason with people like that
Yup. I was not only the bullied kid at school, had it at home too. Standing up for yourself is right, sometimes the only way to stop an abuser is to hit them back. Fighting back is a natural response, ask any living animal.
It was months of her being the sweetest person to me in private, telling me she likes me, and then ignoring me in public while being nice to everyone else. I confronted her about it in a way I regret. I didn't insult her or anything but I was very direct and cold. This then evolved into a phase where she continued to gaslight me. I broke things off completely and I feel free. It will take time to heal, but I am glad I experienced all of this because it made me into a better person
thank you so much for this video. She told everyone i was abusif because i would raise or yell during an argument when she was always pushing my buttons to make me yell and blame me being abusif. my anger always came out as a trigger. been with her for 15 years....between June and August 2023, she tried to have me arrested 5 times on fake domestic violence complaints because i would yell. she was so playing the victim with them excepted the 5th time, the police warned her to stop calling for arguments. all this because she knows by divorcing i get 50% of the house and all. she was trying to have me arrested, once i have criminal charges, i lose access to the house. now she loved bring her family over to try to trigger me, 2 times now i warned her to not too...now i am just waiting to see if she's going to test me a 3rd time...next time she does bring someone else, i am not saying a word and im dialing 911 for tresspassing. fuck around, you;ll find out.
honestly i felt like crying hearing you put all this into words that i cant describe myself. my wife is a horrible person who triggers me regularly with her controlling ways and word salads and talks behind my back like i treat her bad. and makes out to everyone she see like she dows everything at home and for the kids (which is absolute gargage, when im not working 40hrs a week im always at home and with the kids taking care of them and doing chores around the house) i use all my will power everyday to not react to her crap and just try to grey rock her, but even then, she will even have a go at me as well for not answering her at all. Im really over it but i cant leave her yet, our very young kids both under 2 need their parents.
Bro.. I have had six children.. 30 year Marriage.. 63 soon.. you must get out Now... you will find a way! for your OWN Personal Mental Health... Got the T SHIRT!
If you can pull it off financially, leave her. Its better for the kids, so long as you can afford it of course. I know the economy is bad right now. But i would rather leave my abusive mom than stay.
Wow, this completely describes the dynamic between myself and my (now) ex-wife. I would spend ages feeling overwhelming guilt for the things I was pushed to. I would always tearfully apologise. But then I realised it was a reaction to emotional abuse and gaslighting. I went down the narcissism rabitt-hole in part to prove to myself that I was being delusional and hypersensitive, that the woman I loved for 26 years was a little narcissistic but wasn't NPD. But the more I read and watched, the more I realised I had been with a covert narcissist for a quarter of a century. I even defended her to my friends after she discarded me. I discounted the opinion of our youngest daughter when she expressed her suspicion that her mother was a narc. But I'd like to say healing is possible and you can can become so, so, much stronger after being re-forged in the fire of narcissistic abuse. Find your happiness and validation within yourself, it takes a lot of work and courage but is worth every second.
Amen... been there, done that and didn't realize the underpinnings to what was going on. My eyes are open now and she no longer has that kind of control over me.
I definitely needed somebody to put all of this into words. I didn't think I'd ever find the right words explaining exactly that... I keep being told I'm not taking accountability for being so angry and having these lash out moments with this specific individual.. and only him.. I knew deep down they just don't get it... and when that comes from family just thinking I have anger problems now... it hurts and I don't even want to prove myself to them either. I am so drained to prove my heart to anybody..
I’m going through my recovery now, I literally was asking myself the same question. Thought I may have been going crazy. He would antagonize for days, any avenue that he could. Finally when I responded he would show everyone the texts that I sent in response, trying to smear me. Thank you so much for this video 😢😊
This happened to me too. After putting up with years of a whole bunch of abuse that was on another level,I snapped.Then he set me up online,to talk dirty to him exactly the way he likes/ asked for,then turned around,shared our private sects publicly and now literally everyone hates me! They all think I'm a monster, and they aren't aware that he specifically ASKED to be spoken to like that,it's his own kink. Smdh.
Wow, somehow I got this video with perfect timing. Just an hour or two ago my wife asked me if I knew how my daughter and her boyfriend would get home from the airport tomorrow and I answered that I did not know (they are very self sufficient and had not asked me for any help). She turned that around and said something like "So you don't care about how she gets home?" After years of this kind of thing I got bent out of shape and said "Did I say I didn't care? Did I say that? Or did I say I don't know?" Anyway, I got unusually annoyed by that and this video identifies the problem exactly.
@@choochtrain just don't be hard on yourself. Next time calmly say ,"That is not what I said, I merely informed you that I did not know" "Please don't put words in my mouth,it's disrespectful and you clearly seem to have the need to say very hurtful things,"Why is that?" Then leave the ball to drop flat. Walk away. Also see yt videos about comebacks to narcissistic people, and write them down, and memorize them. Stay calm and detached if you can. They thrive on reaction. Don't give her what she wants,hold back your reactions. I hope everything get better soon for you. I'm sorry that this happened to you 💛.
She’s wrong at 1:17, that punch is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. What needs to happen is for God to get involved so the abused gets help as clearly the abused is not equipped to help themselves (whether they don’t know HOW, are afraid, feel stuck, confused, etc) , and the TRUTH needs to come out!!!! Please may the truth come out about the abuser so the world can see and call their ugly a** out!
Omg, tysm. I was literally thinking am I the covert narc? I broke down and cried when you pointed the last 3 examples. Esp the question of: is this ur only relationship with this problem? Are you 'abusive' on your other relationships. This has been torture enough but to think you are the main source of the problem is a nit scary. Either answer will need therapy but idk thinking ur the problem and being that horrible was a sad and scary thought. Ty for providing guidance and clarity 🙏
Omg!!! Thank you so much for this! I have been dealing with so much pain and trauma. Can’t hold back tears of relief! Here is yet another moment of healing. It’s so good to know that others have experience in this too. I can’t say thank you enough!!!
This is the only thing I am guilty of is "Reactive abuse" with my ex of 9 years that kicked me out over a heated argument. I used to apologize when she would stone wall me. It's so unfair that I tried to live a good life with someone and this is what they do to me? Discard is extremely painful.
I have felt for years that my sister's narc ex (but forever "friend") has been grooming her to be a narc. She used to be the sweetest, most empathetic person. Now she is a full blown narc. It took me awhile to even pin point that she is a narc, because I just always knew her as being so sweet. He broke her and programmed her, I think, and continues to do so to this day. There is not much out there about this subject, but in her case, I think it is far beyond reactive abuse, especially because it extends to others who are not her abusers. Narcs intentionally making more narcs. Thanks for reading.
He stonewalled, gave me the silent treatment & blocked me. Then when I kept trying to reach him to ask what I had done, he called me a stalker & said he was going to put a restraining order on me. I will NEVER contact him again.
So, I feel like narcissism is highly discussed and sometimes the label is thrown out too easily, when allegedly only a small part of the population is truly narcissistic. That said, I just dealt with someone who sounds more and more like they fit this bill and it really got me thinking about it. Because she habitually makes friends and forms relationships and then "drops" people the exact moment they no longer serve a purpose to her life or "make" her happy, and somehow nothing is ever her fault, despite all of the decisions she makes that contributes to her own self sabotage. She got fired for drinking on the job? Not her fault. She got chewed out by an employer for not doing what she was supposed to? Also not her fault. She cheated on a guy because she was bored? Definitely not her fault. She yelled at me, one of her only close friends, in public, over basically nothing? Definitely not her fault. And it took me way too long to see the writing on the wall and bail out, but thank goodness I did.
From what I read in a book, there is a theoretical spectrum of narcissism. Pretty much all of us have narcissistic tendencies, but some people are much more methodical/intentionally manipulative. The person isn't always a malignant narcissist where if you spend 5 minutes with them it's clear what kind of person they are. Lots of narcs are a lot more covert to the point where their loved ones don't even realize who they truly are.
Oh my God I saw the title and it screwed me up. Thank you for putting it up there! I legit got so confused for a few days, googling and watching videos and wondering if I was the real narc. Thanks again!
I had an ex colleague instigating me all the time and once I lost it infront of everybody but luckily everybody knew who she was and what she was playing at so her games did not work. I did not feel guilty not 1bit but I kind of regret yelling at her, not because of the yelling but because I gave her what I wanted, my reaction...but the way I see it, I am only human.
Yep I thought I was the bad crazy awful person and I tried and tried and tried to change Then slowly I started to realise it wasn’t all my fault Then I realised it was probably 50-50 Then I realised it wasn’t my fault When I changed my behaviour and managed to do what he had done for hours to me to break me before I did, he cracked far sooner and went faar more “crazy” than I had ever He threw me under the bus so many times it’s astounding
I do have some narc traits that really bother me. When I was with the narcissist, my traits got worse. While I am not a full blown narc, I do have tendencies that stemmed from being in a toxic family.
At first, this was a trendy thing then I looked into it now I can verify one of the signs is that a narcissist would never wonder if they are the narcissist and actually do research to verify themselves. This is scary because I know many people that are like this and will never look at these videos so it safe to say that it is accountability that drives us to videos like this. Thank you.❤
Definitely self-defense & they know this.. they are the immature ones for deliberately targeting a vulnerable or empathic person who just wants peace for all
Signs I wasn’t the abuser: I wasn’t smearing them I wasn’t stalking them I wasn’t provoking them I wasn’t bugging their car The delusion they can have is unbelievable sometimes.
I have been in almost exclusive narcissistic and toxic relationships, and I know I’m a partial cause of things getting bad. I was abused as a kid by the neighbor, for years, I was abandoned by my family systematically over my life, lost my only singling to a car crash, etc. I hate talking about my story because it isn’t supposed to be a contest. It’s just life. I have carved out happiness, and joy, and made friendships and had romances that were healthy, I believed. But I would always be cast out. Too poor, too ugly, too annoying, too emotional. These are things I’ve heard, not assume. I watched as friends opinions and views changed as we aged and new people and judgements were cast. All the while, I kept quiet my abuse at the neighbors hands, i had my own physical trauma and multiple broken bones and injuries from many near fatal and brutal events. I still smiled with hope I would find my people. And when I found my adult romantic relationships. I sought out people who made me feel needed. Who didn’t want me to leave who shared my every passion and whim; who were sexually stimulating and at my much faster pace thanks to my own sexual education. I found though, as I attempted to lock up my insecurities and be the hero, and savior. Be the man, the caretaker and still have time for being myself, o was always conflicted and confused about why, the same things I enjoyed before I was suddenly resented for doing, and why i felt the need and pressure to keep the peace and cut out healthy friends and family and attack those closest to me, who disagreed. I have amazing children with my 3 longest relationships. But each one, has faced me with new issues, new things to research, new therapy topics, each one has been so vastly different but all End the same. I am Left to rebuild my life from the ground up, next to broke, and help support my children in homes with new step dads in and out of the door(one of the reasons I know I’m Not the complete problem) and somehow be the best co parent dad I can be, and be manipulated one way or another, or depending on the situations stonewalled, ghosted, ignored, or even dragged through courts. The thing about me is my traumas made me unbearably empathic to trauma victim survivors, and the poor and downtrodden. I’ve literally given the jacket off my back, and money I don’t have. Couches, the lot, I’ve offered my time, energy and efforts to be supportive, to show a vision that we can go through it and smile about something. And that light in me is so dim. That energy to dive into my passions is low. Frankly I spend so much time, watching videos and reading things like this, and distracting my heartbreak and loneliness via tiktok or games rather than continue my life of promiscuity, and commitment cycles. I want to find the energy and passion to chase my dream business, and give my kids a ranch to come visit all as getting all my kids together, and seeing them smile and laugh, making memories, fishing campfires. That’s the goal. Hard to reach that in my position, but I’m Not dead yet, and I will figure it out or die trying. Vent over
My problem is that we have a child together! How do u maintain a distance from someone u have a child with? I finally had enough of the constant belittling and Iam so tired of being blamed for things I know he caused! You are so right the guilt u feel even though you know it wasn’t you can really bother you! I’ve been married to a narcissist for 13 years and the damage done is absolutely devastating! How can someone do you so wrong and u still can find yourself giving excuses for there behavior when you know they was the one who was in the wrong! Ugh the pain and damage is so bad! I’m starting counseling and really need to find the best ways to heal from all of this!
This is how I feel at 60 years old (male) for all of my life, as far as I can remember. But I can only escape the relationship am in now, which is my marriage of near 35 years. After watching a video of yours posted before this one, although 2-3 years ago, these are still valid today. And the last, plus this one described our relationship perfectly. Am tired of being someone else's punching bag & having nothing & did leave during the 2021 Thanksgiving holidays, her sister tricked me back. Thing of it was, she gave me the courage to leave. Anyway, anytime I threaten to leave, since we're both disabled & she draws less of a benefit than myself, threatens me with having to pay alimony. That is her main magic bullet, the other being "you'll do no better than me".🤣 Probably can get another woman who at my age, can start a family with, maybe mid 30's or so. So how do I pull this off again? And not have to sleep in the cold for 4-5 nights like last year. BTW, I love your videos!😀
You won't have to pay much alimony if you can show you barely have anything for yourself. Show your rent costs,food costs etc. Even receipt of food costs. To the judge. Call her bluff. But not until you can find a place,oh and drain the battery on all your devices when you go see a lawyer, just in case she's monitoring your device. Best of luck.
My mom did this to me everyday once she found what my triggers are. Which I have many because I'm what she calls a "germaphobe" I love to clean. I used to be a kleptomaniac and a hoarder when I was to younger, hence to cleaning habit I've decided to keep. struggled with many things like pica (eating disorder) she would constantly humiliate me and belittle me. I was to not allowed to be myself unless she was sleeping or not home.
I really want to get out but idk how anymore. I can busy myself with work and focusing on my goals, but even that is exhausting... you can speak all you want with family and friends, but no one truly gets it + they get sick of hearing about it
My partner has just left me for this after a year of going through this cycle, he has turned everything against me, anxiety, trust, past trauma, financial decisions, things I should’ve done for him by now etc. He describes it as me ‘popping off’ whenever I raise my voice in the slightest and we’ve been over the reasons about me wanting to feel heard a million times, it’s never acknowledged. He’s now left me because I refused to let him manipulate me further, he came back twice to try to turn it around again and left both times, knowing I have abandonment issues I’m guessing this was another move to get me to react to this one but I have been taking this time to breathe, learn as much as I can and to get over the horrid heartbreak. I’m so confused, angry, guilty but also like a weight has been lifted. He said he felt like he was walking on egg shells but I can see how he set it up to be, in conversations he’d prod and poke me and repeat the things that trigger me and ask me why until I couldn’t make sense of it anymore, he’d ask me questions that would make us go around in circles about a topic until the answer changed into his, when I got tired and angry of over explaining each time he’d sit there so chilled almost smirking at me waiting for my reaction to get worse, I’d feel cornered and I’d try to leave the room, he’d laugh at me for trying to diffuse the situation or to stick up for myself in anyway. He knows absolutely everything, because he asked me to tell him and all he was ever doing was building some kind of itinerary of things to use against me. It was me walking on egg shells, as I’m typing this it’s like another level of realisation has dropped down I feel like such an idiot. I’ve done a hell of a lot of work in the past I’ve been abused physically and mentally before but this is another world, I was adamant I wouldn’t put my trust in someone again, how did he break past that. He really fooled me. I really fooled myself
Try explaining this to my exes family. She claims i abused her in every way possible. She used to pick fights. I tried to make her aware of her fight picking behavior. It does leave me wondering at times if i was cruel. I did feel like i was taking blow after blow
This was every moment with my older sister growing up. She's always been like a sick little cult leader, as long as I can remember. She used to be able to make me say or do whatever she wanted without saying a thing. Now I see her for who she is. The thing is, all I ever wanted was to be closer to her. Now that I've accepted that she's a sociopath or something, I've never felt closer to her. Because I've never seen her more clearly. And I've never wanted to be farther away from her.
😢 Thank you. I held a lot of of shame and guilt. I believed the narcissistic label that was slapped on me. I believed I was a terrible person. My actions were definitely bad. No doubt about it. I still think some of my behaviors were terrible. But that's not who I am. I was pushed. With constant taunts, demeaning, belittling, deflective remarks. I reached a point where I completely lost myself, I was completely in their control, I was reacting to the emotional strings being pulled. But believed it was my fault.
Or “self defense” as someone else said -- shame on us for not allowing them to treat us like their doormats 24/7 So frustrating that they’ll never be emotionally mature enough to even process their own strategies they use to control the relationship If they would just put a fraction of the efforts into doing things that promote stronger healthy bonds. They false sense of control they get from this abuse never holds for longer than a few hours I would think it’s exhausting to create these situations just to have mutual hurt and false hopes of sustaining a relationship I used to wonder why she was always so tired and appeared mentally drained at certain stages during our cycles, what a damn waste of time, passion….life. For both
Hi, I'd like to share my experience. After the divorce my former partner started a smear campaign and also online he makes me look bad. His followers have burglarized my house for 20 times! His followers keep stalking me when I go outside. This goes on for 30 years! His relatives have power in this town and they have manipulated also the police and my landlord. Also my neighbours, the same. This is already 30 years like this!!! I divorced 30 yrs ago. I had to install safety systems at home. This is not normal!! This is not a normal reaction, this is disturbed of him to do all this after the divorce. Why not move on?? I have moved on with my life but he wants to destroy me after 30 years after the break up!
Never heard about reactive abouse; thank you for opening my eyes. My wife will tell me I look overwhelmed ir in disarray (gaslighting) specially in front of guests or my kids, for instance when I am cooking, to get a reaction from me
Narc says.... whine them up!! Whine them up!!! Once his successful at the reaction he wants, he sits back and laughs!!! Like he says... You will never win this!!!
You have a great manner at explaining things like this. I never watch these sort of videos. Mainly crafts and such. This is relevant as I've dealt with this since childhood. What you said, I can confirm as true. Thank you for your eloquent explanation. Easy to understand.
I wish I could explain these things to the people around me. Over 16 years of abuse. Law enforcement involved. Non stop defamation, slander, surveillance, betrayal, flat out lies, destruction of everything. Trapped by lies. Words cannot describe, but this video does a good job of explaining a few things. It' s worse when it s a loved one. Decades of this crap and being on the edge of the breaking point and passing the breaking point then having your reactions used against you to continue trying to justify the abuse. You lose everything.
This is the story of my marriage. I raised two kids in this environment, unfortunately. I tried to shield them, but unfortunately, my daughter saw my behavior as the problem. My son, who is almost 7 years her junior, saw a different side of his father and a more "aware" me. (I became more able to keep my mouth shut and provoke an attack)my daughter doesn't talk to me anymore because she is convinced that I am the problem/ narcissist. My son has seen the real face of his father but at least he knows the real me and we are very close. I don't try to drive him away from his father. I guide him to cope with his dad "the way he is" and never to expect anything more.
Wow, it resonates with my situation. My son, who is not his son, is open to seeing who he is. We manage around him, but my daughter being 6 she struggles immensely not only because of her age but because it's her beloved "daddy." It's painful knowing this truth and living first hand how it affects a whole family. I do pray every day, and my prayer is"please Lord bring your light into my house. Bright everything to your light." That's my only hope that he will give understanding to my daughter as well, at the right time. Not mine but rather his perfect time. I try not to lie to my children, I don't sugarcoat wrong behavior. That includes accountability from my side. This is the hardest topic for me, but I have learned to mature and know myself a lot more than I thought was possible.
Wow. Thank you for this break down. I feel so bad for exploding. And the flip of the script is the worst. I keep feeling like I need to learn to be more assertive but honestly I just need to get away. I've explained myself so many times, at this point it just feels like talking to a wall. Like why do I even need to explain what I've gone through. You'd think they would just be more understanding and sympathetic but NO. Not with vulnerable narcs or alcoholics. I am learning. UGH.. Family is so fun😊💜
Thank you for this. I've been ruminating on this for months because my toxic older brother (I don't think he's a narcissist but boy, he ain't good) started claiming that I used to "beat him up every day" when we were kids. While this is absolutely false, I do feel guilty that I definitely did sometimes hit him, and it's had me questioning myself. But like you point out, it was only when he had verbally bullied me to my absolute breaking point. Thank you for helping me to work this out!
Reactive abuse is one of the most gaslighty terms out there. "You don't get to treat me like garbage and you're going to hear about it. Like, now. Like, stop talking." I'll sing it all day long. And I do.
I catch myself screaming at him, mainly because he won’t tell the truth, he won’t even talk to address any of the things that hurts me…. The more I scream, the calmer he is…… he is now saying I must have a drug problem because I’m not acting normal….. I’m responding to the 21/2 year relationship he’s been having on the side that he’s lying about
My god. Two decades of living in fight or flight mode. And i kept coming back for more. All that shame and guilt. I came here wondering if i might have been the narcissist. I had given up chasing this person two years ago and was doing just fine. She contacted me and i was delighted to hear from her. I thought she might have forgiven me for the way i treated her and i wanted to make amends. But all i got messages with words that looked as if they were my own, and i was talking to myself. My body started hurting, I did'nt want to eat, sleep, and was already starting to feel disconnected from people in my life. Lucky the two years of no contact, and some high quality self care, allowed me to resolve what i had been triggered by when i got caught in that web, and i feel myself unsticking fairly quick. this was instant help. I feel sorry for her now. What a hell that must be
I responded this way for 28 years, three months, and 11 days. It was Hell. But I'm a better person today because of it. I owned my reactive abuse and took responsibility for it.
Thank you for this video! My ex insists I am a narcissist, I keep telling her my therapist diagnosed my as fearful avoidant, she says her therapist (who I never met) diagnosed me as narcissist and she entered a support group for narcissistic abuse, which I find surreal. Videos like this puts matters into perspective 🙏
There's no winning. If you withdraw and don't give them the reaction or, god forbid, leave to cool down the situation you're a "pos" for "ignoring the person's emotional needs". If you engage and let the emotions boil after being pushed to your breaking point and react you're an "abusive pos".
I've always felt guilty. . . I no deep dwn all I've done is say truths and literally wot was going on. . . I do u no wot I realised the more I sed the more I was jus hurting myself. . .
0:07 ⚠🤔 In my case, I have to disagree: Conflict NEVER happened in front of another person! In fact EVERY disagreement, argument or 'fight' was behind 'closed doors' or while isolated away from others. - Why? So that _everyone else_ would only _ever_ see the 'bright and shiny' side of her! 🚩Like the MOON: Only those that get close enough will see the TRUE 'cluster-B darkness'.
When I removed myself from this person and cut them off, they found a way to get to me and make me feel guilty. Then when I stuck around to try to fix things, they still made me feel guilty and like a bad person for literally everything. Even down to the way I breathed. Even down to not speaking but just sitting on the phone line because I was forced to via guilt trips. They pushed and pushed me into a corner. I lashed out. It was the nastiest behavior I have ever had in my life. It's been over a year since then and it is still eating me alive. I don't know how to recover. I have never started a fight in my life. I was literally in a hospital bed after having such a severe headache that I went to the E.R and found out I had a stroke and I have a brain aneurysm, I reached out to them because I literally had nobody else(or at least felt like I didn't); They started an argument and nitpicking within a minute. They said I was lying about my diagnosis I just received until I sent them proof, then still later did again. Scariest moment of my life and that was my support system. I was in shock for so many reasons. I am not the same person I was before I met them. I had a very tough life, struggled through all of it- but always positive and recovered in the end. I can't overcome this, and I don't know what to do anymore. They really won.
Took me years but when I hit my breaking point, I reacted. I wasn’t even violent, I just sent paragraphs of texts explaining how I felt and asked him why he kept hurting me (he wouldn’t talk so text was my only option). The only response I got was him accusing me of being abusive and tormenting him. The guilt I felt for sending those texts explaining my emotional pain is something I’ve NEVER experienced in my life. I felt terrible. I thought he was right, I was abusive. I started questioning my whole reality, believing I was someone I knew I wasn’t. And it that nearly took me down. I beat myself up and ignored everything he did to me. All I thought was, he’s right, I deserve this, I’m a horrible human. Took months of therapy to break free from that. This is so well explained. Now I know no doubt, my ex is a narcissist. The years of abuse is clear to me now and I never saw it as abuse. I just thought I was being too sensitive. I wish I could go back to the day I met him and turn the other way - but then I wouldn’t have my son (his child who he won’t acknowledge). To anyone going through this, sending so much love and prayers. I can testify, you WILL heal and come out better. Go no contact and focus on yourself ❤
Ty for this video. Its validating. When she would push me to the meltdowns i became someone i couldnt stand. I said and did terrible things. She was so calm and quiet while i was coming unglued. Every single time she remained silent and just watch me crying and begging and ranting. My god? What kind of a woman could just stand there and calmly watch another human suffer like that? I swear she was enjoying it. I began to think i was losing my sanity. When she exited my life that bad behavior left me. Until her i never behaved like that. I was becoming violent. I truly believe she is sadistic and evil.
It took me 3 years to understand and accept that I married a covert narcissist. I used to hold my tongue when my husband would lash out at simple questions or requests--in order to keep the peace--but once we had kids that was my breaking point. My husband can no longer walk all over me, he has responsibilities, and should he ever harm the kids he'll be a bachelor again. And we all know narcissists fear abandonment.
This is such a wonderful short video that I found by accident really. I've had these kind of instances with two women that I was in relationships with. I didn't have an answer as to why I reacted the way that I did, although at the time I did solve the problem and I moved into a space where I could respond to the abuse in a mature manner, which I think only made them more upset LOL. But nonetheless, it's good to have a name for this. We can always change our reaction to a response. A response is something that you give when you are mature (in control of feelings/emotions), when you are reactive there might be a little bit of immaturity there. Thank you for the video!!!
It has taken me 10 years to put a name to what has been happening to me. Currently working on extricating myself from this situation. Now that I see it I can't unsee it.
I was sexually assaulted a few times in my 20s. My current boyfriend acts like women ask for it & men aren’t at fault. This came up last night(again) & I didn’t react. He became so angry he totally up-threw our home & then got my reaction. He’s going in longer bouts with not doing this, but I feel like I should apologize
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*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
“Don’t wrestle with a pig in the mud, you both get dirty and the pig likes it” 💯
Damn that’s deep
Truth.
A narcissist has a "warring spirit".
Conflict doesn't tire them out, it invigorates them. It makes them happy, happy, happy!
So profound 🔥
Signs it's reactive abuse:
1) You feel guilty for the way you behaved after the fact.
2) The other person knowingly set you off.
3) You're not abusive to other people.
Number three is a huge key there! But in the midst of recovering from it I found myself attacked by various flying monkeys and was almost gaslit to believe I was part of the problem to an extent
No.3 really made me think here. My partner makes me out to be an absolute monster but I don't act like this with anyone else.. like ever... in my whole life. Ever.
I won’t lie. I have taken some of my anger out on others from all the frustration. I didn’t want to and I have apologized, but I feel like I’m drowning. I have kept quiet for far too long that I am losing my sense of self. I am afraid to tell certain people what all this man did to me.
1. You feel guilty for the way you behave after
2.other person knowingly set you off.
3.your not abusive to others.
❤
I don’t feel guilty for fighting back. No one should. If you’ve been constantly abused by someone, you have the right to protect yourself.
Alabama doesn't recognize self defense.
my own neglectful narcissistic mother.
My ex is a narcissist and has even admitted to being one. He triggers me and I come back with reactive abuse and I can’t stand it. It’s not me, but I’m tired of it. He doesn’t understand this. I finally feel validated in how I’ve been feeling.
The problem with reactive abuse is that even narcissistic people who abuse you will also say that they reacted to your abuse or that you also provoqued them. So that makes it difficult to identify the real victim and the real abuser
💯
Yes
Details and the entire story matter, but good luck getting that out before the N starts fighting over examples, ppl tire of the fight and continue to treat the N w undeserved respect.
Literally multiple men in this comment section lol
Or they use it against you and say see I can’t talk to you because you react this way and make you out to be the unhinged one.. sending you ti breaking point and when you are they love seeing it and act so calm when you are reacting to the emotional abuse and circles they put you in..
No, it doesn't. All you have to do is go back to the history of the behavior of both people. It's very easy and simple to figure out.
We shouldn't call it reactive "abuse", but self-defense. The words are very important.
I feel that the term reactive abuse more refers to the abuser and not the victim
I think it can be reactive abuse because we can be abusive when we are triggered, unfortunately. It's not on purpose like narcissists do, of course.
If we act like them, we engage in abusive behaviors. We have to be responsible and accountable for our behaviors.
I'm dealing with reflecting on the times I have let those behaviors affect some of my most cherished relationships, and it still leaves me shaking with guilt and regret and shame.
Yes you are right ! It def should be called self defense ! I only lash out at my husband, no one else ! I’ve broke tons of things including tv’s and other items, some very expensive! I feel trapped inside myself with no way out of the intense stress and being unable to talk to him about it triggers me further, he says “ you’re trying to start a argument “ or “ you’re badgering me “.. all while he is all over me about anything and everything and he deems that to be ok, and I can’t tell him what he is / has been doing to my mental well being cause he doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to ! He can change like the weather, being more attentive to not at all, depending on what I am doing for him. I can’t even explain it cause it’s extremely complicated and confusing, which again makes me even more upset cause I can’t explain it fully. It’s subtle and has been going on for over 7 years. I feel like I have lost my mind and will never get it back !
Exactly! You read my mind. I feel guilty when I had to take stand for myself because if I starts to explain the situation you won't believe I have to go through every single day and I feel so claustrophobic living with the narcissistic family the amount of abuse I face they are after me to put their trauma in me. I will be honest that I always be silent when they do abuse because I know they want bad reaction and to provoke but when there's nothing to avoid them and I keep enduring and enduring and suppressing myself then I end up taking self defense. I won't wish the situation to anyone. Sometimes if there's god who can seeing this.
That kind of abuse is the most confusing and destructive. It left me feeling betrayed, and defenseless. Those wounds of self doubt and guilt run the deepest.
Wow I was just accused by my narcissist of being the narcissist. I have been worried all week that he was right. Look at all the crazy stuff I did. But now I know I’m not the narcissist. Thank you 🙏
The narcissists will project their insecurities all the time.
This is so disturbing
Best thing to do is research the red flags of a narcissists so that no matter what someone says to you, you have facts so no one can guilt trip or gaslight you into submission. We always ask a third party and they're only going to tell us what we want to hear.
Your not the only one... He said I was gaslighting him. And after looking into videos about narcism and gaslighting. I was even doubting about maybe me being the narcissist. But now I learned I was responding harsly to him in the sense of him being unreasonable to me.
If you can run and don't look back if you can
It is 20years to recover enough to realize I wasted a lot of time knowing what I knew all along.
Something is not right.
My husband asked me to come out to dinner, I drove my car there, sat down, and I asked a question. He started hollering at me in the restaurant, I got up and walked out of the restaurant. Without saying a word.
what do you mean by hollering cursing?
This is exactly how it works. The only thing I'd add is that I don't think narcissistic people operate with a great deal of awareness, especially self-awareness, so I don't think they're generally calculating to trigger you. They're just doing them and this is how they are in the world. That's why trying to explain to them how they hurt you goes nowhere and ramps up your anger. The more you try to explain how they hurt you, the more they deny, blame-shift and scapegoat you, and the more you get triggered. The more triggered you feel, the more you react, etc. ad infinitum. The only thing that helps is prayer, space and getting around healthy people. Great video. Thanks.
I questioned my self and my intentions for so long. I felt so awful and bad, I don't normally break other people's DVD's and tell others they are dead me. I don't treat others that way. 😢 But yeah they wanted that because it made them look inoccent. I tried to help and help and help that person over and over and over again, and they just treated me like garbage everytime. And I adored them and I don't know why.
Hugs. You're all good, love. I know this because you wouldn't be HERE if you didn't feel empathy. It's not you, trust me.
My dad is a pro at triggering this. Thankfully I learned in my 20's how to not fall for it anymore but it has left me lonely bc he convinced my entire family of his lies and I wasn't ever allowed to tell my side of the story. Such is life.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that 🙏❤️
Also realising this in my 20s, what pains me even more is what i had to go through in my childhood.
@@CommonEgo thank you for your work. I have been through decades of therapy and even majored in psychology for the short time I was able to attend college but it still helps to hear "refressers". I am so happy I found your channel. 🤗
Same.
The you are not allowed to tell your side of the story i know so well.
It took me til being 40 to step up for myself and say no more.
I used to get so aggravated. “ Oh, you’re the one being rude, I’m talking in a calm tone of voice.” That was a long time ago. I don’t even respond. I get the “ Why are you being rude and ignoring me? I didn’t say or do anything to deserve that.” I used to calmly and shortly explain why when I knew they darn well knew why. On New Year’s Day 2023 a family game night. At the table “joking insults” were thrown right and left . Coming from all sides. It wasn’t even sarcastic humor, they were words deliberately meant to get a reaction. When I didn’t respond or react they went to my nephew sitting next to me. I could tell he was starting to crumble. His big sister stepped in and says why are you all being so passive aggressive? “ I was shocked I didn’t realize she’d taken my advice earlier this year and looked it up. Needless to say, the joking insults stopped. No apology. They went on playing the board game as if nothing happened those past 10 minutes. I’m proud I didn’t react . I’m proud my nephew didn’t and that my niece called out their bs.
Thank you! You just described 17 years of my marriage and now 9 years of "co-parenting". It is awful and much more heartbreaking to feel the helplessness in trying to protect your children from these abusers.
My daughter's bio mom is very hard to deal with and helping her navigate has been so challenging. Protecting the kids is borderline impossible. Good luck!
I'm sure it's not easy but try to feel thankful you're co-parenting and he didn't win cudtody. My ex had his teenage son and neglected him. He just left him gaming but i guess most kids were happy to do this. Then he left school with no results even though I tried to encourage him to study but his dad signed to say no exams. Two more years doing nothing only for his dad to throw him back to the mum when he turned 18 and child support stopped. Absolutely cruel.
@@sharonbell1094 notice the quotes around co-parenting. I fully understand the situation you describe. Prayers for your and your son's healing, as well.
Reactive abuse can also come from 'friends' or 'friend group'. After all these years i finally found the term used for it. They push exactly the right buttons to set you off, then you lash out and they remain silent. It always ends up looking like you're the one with the problem. Thank you for this video.🙏🏼
Thank you for going into reactive abuse more. I always felt like I was the abusive one for reacting to the things my ex would do to hurt or minimize me. Especially knowing that she never felt bad or took accountability for the things she did as well as her telling other people the things I did but never what she did to elicit my response. I know in the end, that was my fault exploding like I did and I still, almost a year later, feel guilty for the way I reacted. It took 2 years of her emotionally and mentally abusing me for me to reach that breaking point. I truly feel that even the healthiest of people would break when subjected to that mindf*ck on a weekly basis like I was
I relate to this so much. Zero accountability over how they trigger you for hours and never accept your accountability and role for initial issue. Then they keep looping and calling you names so you finally break and loose composure and say how you “feel” then you are a narcissist abuser. They literally are setting you up so they can see ahaaaa see I told you. You are the problem. How dare you! Devaluation/discard
Ty, I struggle with the question most days.
She got upset when I stopped apologising for being upset and demonstrated I had no more patience for her behaviours and attitudes. She called this abuse and manipulated situations for a couple of months. I’m still thinking through everything, especially with family court for the child vastly approaching, I know I’m not an abuser, but her victim mentality seems so believable through her extreme and dramatic reactions.
Get a nanny cam and document everything with it,but not where she has any expectations of privacy ie, bathroom, bedroom.Ask a lawyer for a free consultation and document every interaction. Or she'll destroy you in court. So sorry you're going through this. This is what I had to do. I have the flash drive in a different bank that I haven't told anyone about in a safety deposit box.
Projection, definitely trying to project her behaviours onto you.
Your missus sounds like Amber Heard in that she wants to blame & make the victim seem like the abuser when it's her that's the toxic one
They are accomplished actors.
7 months out of a 9 year relationship with a scary covert narc. 9 years ago I was a thriving, happy, quiet, driven person and before I finally broke free I was a constantly anxious, sad, tense, obsessive person. I would react constantly out if anxiety and was always trying to anticipate my partners next move. He constantly would do subtle horrible things to me and then I would cry or lash out and tell him to stop and he would tell me I need help. Tell me I’m not mentally stable and he needs to protect the kids from me. Eventually he couldn’t convince me things didn’t happen because he smashed my head into a wall and dented it. He wasn’t able to tell me I imagined it. I’m out of the fog now but I still struggle with questioning my own reality. Wondering how long it will be until I’m fully confident.
I am a victim of reactive abuse. Although the instigator has been convincing everyone that I am the abusive person. I even got called a liar last night by someone close to the instigator, even after showing him a video and explaining what was going on in it. Because I was reacting...and "winning", I was the abusive party. so nauseating.
Really is nauseating
Sorry you’re going through that, pray for their souls, and forgive them, it’s easier said than done but holding on will eat you from the inside out
When you defend yourself you’re always the bad guy in the situation.
Going through something very similar... unfortunately. Being threatened one way or another now just because I'm aware now and have cut all ties. It... is getting worse.. we are stronger and smarter than they want to believe.
@@AA90Amen!
The narcissist wants to push you to that “Reactive” state. I was ignoring a narcissist that was having a temper tantrum, and because I didn’t respond they kept saying “DO YOU HEAR ME!??!
They wouldn’t stop yelling until I said “Yes”.
They can be very much like small children when they don’t get their way 🙏❤️
@@CommonEgo I've accepted the fact that not only is my husband a covert narcissist, but I've labeled him a "toddler." He acts just like you'd expect a 2 yo to act. Since you don't "react" to a 2 yo (at least, you shouldn't), I simply don't react to him. I keep remembering my mom saying, "You don't argue with your children. The minute you do, you've lost."
Yeaa the calmer you are, the more angry they get. Whereas with a regular person, your calmness can help calm the situation down.
Yup, my narcissist just burst out attacking me one day, accusing me of something I clearly wasn’t doing, I tried to laugh it off and make light of the situation, then she accused me of laughing at her and got even madder, you can’t reason with people like that
Yup. I was not only the bullied kid at school, had it at home too.
Standing up for yourself is right, sometimes the only way to stop an abuser is to hit them back. Fighting back is a natural response, ask any living animal.
It was months of her being the sweetest person to me in private, telling me she likes me, and then ignoring me in public while being nice to everyone else. I confronted her about it in a way I regret. I didn't insult her or anything but I was very direct and cold. This then evolved into a phase where she continued to gaslight me.
I broke things off completely and I feel free. It will take time to heal, but I am glad I experienced all of this because it made me into a better person
thank you so much for this video. She told everyone i was abusif because i would raise or yell during an argument when she was always pushing my buttons to make me yell and blame me being abusif. my anger always came out as a trigger. been with her for 15 years....between June and August 2023, she tried to have me arrested 5 times on fake domestic violence complaints because i would yell. she was so playing the victim with them excepted the 5th time, the police warned her to stop calling for arguments. all this because she knows by divorcing i get 50% of the house and all. she was trying to have me arrested, once i have criminal charges, i lose access to the house. now she loved bring her family over to try to trigger me, 2 times now i warned her to not too...now i am just waiting to see if she's going to test me a 3rd time...next time she does bring someone else, i am not saying a word and im dialing 911 for tresspassing. fuck around, you;ll find out.
I know this is late but please try and get away from this actual ogre in silence
honestly i felt like crying hearing you put all this into words that i cant describe myself.
my wife is a horrible person who triggers me regularly with her controlling ways and word salads and talks behind my back like i treat her bad. and makes out to everyone she see like she dows everything at home and for the kids (which is absolute gargage, when im not working 40hrs a week im always at home and with the kids taking care of them and doing chores around the house)
i use all my will power everyday to not react to her crap and just try to grey rock her, but even then, she will even have a go at me as well for not answering her at all. Im really over it but i cant leave her yet, our very young kids both under 2 need their parents.
Bro.. I have had six children.. 30 year Marriage.. 63 soon.. you must get out Now... you will find a way! for your OWN Personal Mental Health... Got the T SHIRT!
If you can pull it off financially, leave her. Its better for the kids, so long as you can afford it of course. I know the economy is bad right now. But i would rather leave my abusive mom than stay.
Wow, this completely describes the dynamic between myself and my (now) ex-wife. I would spend ages feeling overwhelming guilt for the things I was pushed to. I would always tearfully apologise. But then I realised it was a reaction to emotional abuse and gaslighting. I went down the narcissism rabitt-hole in part to prove to myself that I was being delusional and hypersensitive, that the woman I loved for 26 years was a little narcissistic but wasn't NPD. But the more I read and watched, the more I realised I had been with a covert narcissist for a quarter of a century. I even defended her to my friends after she discarded me. I discounted the opinion of our youngest daughter when she expressed her suspicion that her mother was a narc. But I'd like to say healing is possible and you can can become so, so, much stronger after being re-forged in the fire of narcissistic abuse. Find your happiness and validation within yourself, it takes a lot of work and courage but is worth every second.
💯
Yes.. me 2
Amen... been there, done that and didn't realize the underpinnings to what was going on. My eyes are open now and she no longer has that kind of control over me.
I definitely needed somebody to put all of this into words. I didn't think I'd ever find the right words explaining exactly that... I keep being told I'm not taking accountability for being so angry and having these lash out moments with this specific individual.. and only him.. I knew deep down they just don't get it... and when that comes from family just thinking I have anger problems now... it hurts and I don't even want to prove myself to them either. I am so drained to prove my heart to anybody..
I’m going through my recovery now, I literally was asking myself the same question. Thought I may have been going crazy. He would antagonize for days, any avenue that he could. Finally when I responded he would show everyone the texts that I sent in response, trying to smear me. Thank you so much for this video 😢😊
This happened to me too. After putting up with years of a whole bunch of abuse that was on another level,I snapped.Then he set me up online,to talk dirty to him exactly the way he likes/ asked for,then turned around,shared our private sects publicly and now literally everyone hates me! They all think I'm a monster, and they aren't aware that he specifically ASKED to be spoken to like that,it's his own kink. Smdh.
Wow, somehow I got this video with perfect timing.
Just an hour or two ago my wife asked me if I knew how my daughter and her boyfriend would get home from the airport tomorrow and I answered that I did not know (they are very self sufficient and had not asked me for any help). She turned that around and said something like "So you don't care about how she gets home?" After years of this kind of thing I got bent out of shape and said "Did I say I didn't care? Did I say that? Or did I say I don't know?" Anyway, I got unusually annoyed by that and this video identifies the problem exactly.
And yes, she did do this with an audience.
@@choochtrain just don't be hard on yourself. Next time calmly say ,"That is not what I said, I merely informed you that I did not know" "Please don't put words in my mouth,it's disrespectful and you clearly seem to have the need to say very hurtful things,"Why is that?" Then leave the ball to drop flat. Walk away. Also see yt videos about comebacks to narcissistic people, and write them down, and memorize them. Stay calm and detached if you can. They thrive on reaction. Don't give her what she wants,hold back your reactions. I hope everything get better soon for you. I'm sorry that this happened to you 💛.
It sounds like she resents you for not doing any of the mental labor.
You gave her want she wanted and nurtured her pathological needs
She’s wrong at 1:17, that punch is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. What needs to happen is for God to get involved so the abused gets help as clearly the abused is not equipped to help themselves (whether they don’t know HOW, are afraid, feel stuck, confused, etc) , and the TRUTH needs to come out!!!! Please may the truth come out about the abuser so the world can see and call their ugly a** out!
Tsk. No one helps even if you walk up to them and ask
No wonder so many people end up harming them or themselves. It's horrible
God either doesn’t care about the truth or he is not real
Omg, tysm. I was literally thinking am I the covert narc? I broke down and cried when you pointed the last 3 examples. Esp the question of: is this ur only relationship with this problem? Are you 'abusive' on your other relationships. This has been torture enough but to think you are the main source of the problem is a nit scary. Either answer will need therapy but idk thinking ur the problem and being that horrible was a sad and scary thought. Ty for providing guidance and clarity 🙏
* a bit scary
You made great points on reactive abuse. Yes, if it was mostly a single person that made you reactive that way, it was reactive abuse most likely.
Omg!!! Thank you so much for this! I have been dealing with so much pain and trauma. Can’t hold back tears of relief! Here is yet another moment of healing. It’s so good to know that others have experience in this too. I can’t say thank you enough!!!
This is the only thing I am guilty of is "Reactive abuse" with my ex of 9 years that kicked me out over a heated argument. I used to apologize when she would stone wall me. It's so unfair that I tried to live a good life with someone and this is what they do to me? Discard is extremely painful.
I have felt for years that my sister's narc ex (but forever "friend") has been grooming her to be a narc. She used to be the sweetest, most empathetic person. Now she is a full blown narc. It took me awhile to even pin point that she is a narc, because I just always knew her as being so sweet. He broke her and programmed her, I think, and continues to do so to this day. There is not much out there about this subject, but in her case, I think it is far beyond reactive abuse, especially because it extends to others who are not her abusers. Narcs intentionally making more narcs. Thanks for reading.
He stonewalled, gave me the silent treatment & blocked me. Then when I kept trying to reach him to ask what I had done, he called me a stalker & said he was going to put a restraining order on me. I will NEVER contact him again.
She did that to me exactly
So, I feel like narcissism is highly discussed and sometimes the label is thrown out too easily, when allegedly only a small part of the population is truly narcissistic. That said, I just dealt with someone who sounds more and more like they fit this bill and it really got me thinking about it. Because she habitually makes friends and forms relationships and then "drops" people the exact moment they no longer serve a purpose to her life or "make" her happy, and somehow nothing is ever her fault, despite all of the decisions she makes that contributes to her own self sabotage. She got fired for drinking on the job? Not her fault. She got chewed out by an employer for not doing what she was supposed to? Also not her fault. She cheated on a guy because she was bored? Definitely not her fault. She yelled at me, one of her only close friends, in public, over basically nothing? Definitely not her fault. And it took me way too long to see the writing on the wall and bail out, but thank goodness I did.
From what I read in a book, there is a theoretical spectrum of narcissism. Pretty much all of us have narcissistic tendencies, but some people are much more methodical/intentionally manipulative. The person isn't always a malignant narcissist where if you spend 5 minutes with them it's clear what kind of person they are. Lots of narcs are a lot more covert to the point where their loved ones don't even realize who they truly are.
@@ExceptionalLex do u think covert narcissists are tactfully abusive or do not realise they’re narcissistic?
@@ExceptionalLex yesyesyeys
They never take responsibility!!!
I actually think narcissism is rampant these days.
This happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I was definitely made to look like the bad guy.
Same.
Oh my God I saw the title and it screwed me up. Thank you for putting it up there! I legit got so confused for a few days, googling and watching videos and wondering if I was the real narc. Thanks again!
I had an ex colleague instigating me all the time and once I lost it infront of everybody but luckily everybody knew who she was and what she was playing at so her games did not work. I did not feel guilty not 1bit but I kind of regret yelling at her, not because of the yelling but because I gave her what I wanted, my reaction...but the way I see it, I am only human.
Yep I thought I was the bad crazy awful person and I tried and tried and tried to change
Then slowly I started to realise it wasn’t all my fault
Then I realised it was probably 50-50
Then I realised it wasn’t my fault
When I changed my behaviour and managed to do what he had done for hours to me to break me before I did, he cracked far sooner and went faar more “crazy” than I had ever
He threw me under the bus so many times it’s astounding
Narcissism, the behavior is contagious even if the disorder isn't
Sad but true 🙏❤️
I do have some narc traits that really bother me. When I was with the narcissist, my traits got worse. While I am not a full blown narc, I do have tendencies that stemmed from being in a toxic family.
At first, this was a trendy thing then I looked into it now I can verify one of the signs is that a narcissist would never wonder if they are the narcissist and actually do research to verify themselves. This is scary because I know many people that are like this and will never look at these videos so it safe to say that it is accountability that drives us to videos like this. Thank you.❤
Definitely self-defense & they know this.. they are the immature ones for deliberately targeting a vulnerable or empathic person who just wants peace for all
Thank you so much for this. I'm dealing with the end of a relationship with a narcissist and this helped me so much right now.
Signs I wasn’t the abuser:
I wasn’t smearing them
I wasn’t stalking them
I wasn’t provoking them
I wasn’t bugging their car
The delusion they can have is unbelievable sometimes.
I have been in almost exclusive narcissistic and toxic relationships, and I know I’m a partial cause of things getting bad. I was abused as a kid by the neighbor, for years, I was abandoned by my family systematically over my life, lost my only singling to a car crash, etc. I hate talking about my story because it isn’t supposed to be a contest. It’s just life. I have carved out happiness, and joy, and made friendships and had romances that were healthy, I believed. But I would always be cast out. Too poor, too ugly, too annoying, too emotional. These are things I’ve heard, not assume. I watched as friends opinions and views changed as we aged and new people and judgements were cast. All the while, I kept quiet my abuse at the neighbors hands, i had my own physical trauma and multiple broken bones and injuries from many near fatal and brutal events. I still smiled with hope I would find my people. And when I found my adult romantic relationships. I sought out people who made me feel needed. Who didn’t want me to leave who shared my every passion and whim; who were sexually stimulating and at my much faster pace thanks to my own sexual education. I found though, as I attempted to lock up my insecurities and be the hero, and savior. Be the man, the caretaker and still have time for being myself, o was always conflicted and confused about why, the same things I enjoyed before I was suddenly resented for doing, and why i felt the need and pressure to keep the peace and cut out healthy friends and family and attack those closest to me, who disagreed. I have amazing children with my 3 longest relationships. But each one, has faced me with new issues, new things to research, new therapy topics, each one has been so vastly different but all
End the same. I am
Left to rebuild my life from the ground up, next to broke, and help support my children in homes with new step dads in and out of the door(one of the reasons I know I’m
Not the complete problem) and somehow be the best co parent dad I can be, and be manipulated one way or another, or depending on the situations stonewalled, ghosted, ignored, or even dragged through courts. The thing about me is my traumas made me unbearably empathic to trauma victim survivors, and the poor and downtrodden. I’ve literally given the jacket off my back, and money I don’t have. Couches, the lot, I’ve offered my time, energy and efforts to be supportive, to show a vision that we can go through it and smile about something. And that light in me is so dim. That energy to dive into my passions is low. Frankly I spend so much time, watching videos and reading things like this, and distracting my heartbreak and loneliness via tiktok or games rather than continue my life of promiscuity, and commitment cycles. I want to find the energy and passion to chase my dream business, and give my kids a ranch to come visit all as getting all my kids together, and seeing them smile and laugh, making memories, fishing campfires. That’s the goal. Hard to reach that in my position, but I’m
Not dead yet, and I will figure it out or die trying. Vent over
Thanks for posting this as this is basically my life story...due to narcissists and difficult personalities.
My problem is that we have a child together! How do u maintain a distance from someone u have a child with? I finally had enough of the constant belittling and Iam so tired of being blamed for things I know he caused! You are so right the guilt u feel even though you know it wasn’t you can really bother you! I’ve been married to a narcissist for 13 years and the damage done is absolutely devastating! How can someone do you so wrong and u still can find yourself giving excuses for there behavior when you know they was the one who was in the wrong! Ugh the pain and damage is so bad! I’m starting counseling and really need to find the best ways to heal from all of this!
This is how I feel at 60 years old (male) for all of my life, as far as I can remember. But I can only escape the relationship am in now, which is my marriage of near 35 years. After watching a video of yours posted before this one, although 2-3 years ago, these are still valid today. And the last, plus this one described our relationship perfectly. Am tired of being someone else's punching bag & having nothing & did leave during the 2021 Thanksgiving holidays, her sister tricked me back. Thing of it was, she gave me the courage to leave.
Anyway, anytime I threaten to leave, since we're both disabled & she draws less of a benefit than myself, threatens me with having to pay alimony. That is her main magic bullet, the other being "you'll do no better than me".🤣 Probably can get another woman who at my age, can start a family with, maybe mid 30's or so.
So how do I pull this off again? And not have to sleep in the cold for 4-5 nights like last year.
BTW, I love your videos!😀
You won't have to pay much alimony if you can show you barely have anything for yourself. Show your rent costs,food costs etc. Even receipt of food costs. To the judge. Call her bluff. But not until you can find a place,oh and drain the battery on all your devices when you go see a lawyer, just in case she's monitoring your device. Best of luck.
Bro.. Just Tell Her to F@#$ off! you will be ok.. Hindsight a WONDERFUL thing!
My mom did this to me everyday once she found what my triggers are. Which I have many because I'm what she calls a "germaphobe" I love to clean. I used to be a kleptomaniac and a hoarder when I was to younger, hence to cleaning habit I've decided to keep. struggled with many things like pica (eating disorder) she would constantly humiliate me and belittle me. I was to not allowed to be myself unless she was sleeping or not home.
Same that’s why I only try to be up at night where she sleeps. I am destroyed
@@N0N4M30 I'm sorry you're struggling, I understand it's very difficult but do you have a friend or family member you can talk to about this?
I really want to get out but idk how anymore. I can busy myself with work and focusing on my goals, but even that is exhausting... you can speak all you want with family and friends, but no one truly gets it + they get sick of hearing about it
My partner has just left me for this after a year of going through this cycle, he has turned everything against me, anxiety, trust, past trauma, financial decisions, things I should’ve done for him by now etc. He describes it as me ‘popping off’ whenever I raise my voice in the slightest and we’ve been over the reasons about me wanting to feel heard a million times, it’s never acknowledged. He’s now left me because I refused to let him manipulate me further, he came back twice to try to turn it around again and left both times, knowing I have abandonment issues I’m guessing this was another move to get me to react to this one but I have been taking this time to breathe, learn as much as I can and to get over the horrid heartbreak. I’m so confused, angry, guilty but also like a weight has been lifted. He said he felt like he was walking on egg shells but I can see how he set it up to be, in conversations he’d prod and poke me and repeat the things that trigger me and ask me why until I couldn’t make sense of it anymore, he’d ask me questions that would make us go around in circles about a topic until the answer changed into his, when I got tired and angry of over explaining each time he’d sit there so chilled almost smirking at me waiting for my reaction to get worse, I’d feel cornered and I’d try to leave the room, he’d laugh at me for trying to diffuse the situation or to stick up for myself in anyway. He knows absolutely everything, because he asked me to tell him and all he was ever doing was building some kind of itinerary of things to use against me. It was me walking on egg shells, as I’m typing this it’s like another level of realisation has dropped down I feel like such an idiot. I’ve done a hell of a lot of work in the past I’ve been abused physically and mentally before but this is another world, I was adamant I wouldn’t put my trust in someone again, how did he break past that. He really fooled me. I really fooled myself
I feel you, I read everything and I relate so much to your story.
Try explaining this to my exes family. She claims i abused her in every way possible.
She used to pick fights. I tried to make her aware of her fight picking behavior.
It does leave me wondering at times if i was cruel. I did feel like i was taking blow after blow
This was every moment with my older sister growing up. She's always been like a sick little cult leader, as long as I can remember. She used to be able to make me say or do whatever she wanted without saying a thing. Now I see her for who she is. The thing is, all I ever wanted was to be closer to her. Now that I've accepted that she's a sociopath or something, I've never felt closer to her. Because I've never seen her more clearly. And I've never wanted to be farther away from her.
😢 Thank you. I held a lot of of shame and guilt. I believed the narcissistic label that was slapped on me. I believed I was a terrible person. My actions were definitely bad. No doubt about it. I still think some of my behaviors were terrible. But that's not who I am. I was pushed. With constant taunts, demeaning, belittling, deflective remarks. I reached a point where I completely lost myself, I was completely in their control, I was reacting to the emotional strings being pulled. But believed it was my fault.
@Common Ego
youre video literally just saved my life, youre a genius. thank you❤
The same with silent treatment, you ask & ask & ask…at some point you escalate 😢
Or “self defense” as someone else said -- shame on us for not allowing them to treat us like their doormats 24/7
So frustrating that they’ll never be emotionally mature enough to even process their own strategies they use to control the relationship
If they would just put a fraction of the efforts into doing things that promote stronger healthy bonds.
They false sense of control they get from this abuse never holds for longer than a few hours I would think it’s exhausting to create these situations just to have mutual hurt and false hopes of sustaining a relationship
I used to wonder why she was always so tired and appeared mentally drained at certain stages during our cycles, what a damn waste of time, passion….life.
For both
Thank you! I really, really need this right now. Gonna listen again. 💔❤
How does the universe know when i need a message... thank you.... also your hair is so beautiful in this video. Happy holidays ♡
Hi, I'd like to share my experience. After the divorce my former partner started a smear campaign and also online he makes me look bad. His followers have burglarized my house for 20 times! His followers keep stalking me when I go outside. This goes on for 30 years! His relatives have power in this town and they have manipulated also the police and my landlord. Also my neighbours, the same.
This is already 30 years like this!!! I divorced 30 yrs ago.
I had to install safety systems at home.
This is not normal!!
This is not a normal reaction, this is disturbed of him to do all this after the divorce.
Why not move on??
I have moved on with my life but he wants to destroy me after 30 years after the break up!
Never heard about reactive abouse; thank you for opening my eyes. My wife will tell me I look overwhelmed ir in disarray (gaslighting) specially in front of guests or my kids, for instance when I am cooking, to get a reaction from me
When I reached my breaking point he would call me a borderline
You explained this very very well. I felt huge relief when you talked about feeling guilty as a sign that you are not the abuser.
Narc says.... whine them up!! Whine them up!!! Once his successful at the reaction he wants, he sits back and laughs!!! Like he says... You will never win this!!!
Yep
You have a great manner at explaining things like this. I never watch these sort of videos. Mainly crafts and such.
This is relevant as I've dealt with this since childhood. What you said, I can confirm as true. Thank you for your eloquent explanation. Easy to understand.
I wish I could explain these things to the people around me. Over 16 years of abuse. Law enforcement involved. Non stop defamation, slander, surveillance, betrayal, flat out lies, destruction of everything. Trapped by lies. Words cannot describe, but this video does a good job of explaining a few things. It' s worse when it s a loved one. Decades of this crap and being on the edge of the breaking point and passing the breaking point then having your reactions used against you to continue trying to justify the abuse. You lose everything.
This is the story of my marriage. I raised two kids in this environment, unfortunately. I tried to shield them, but unfortunately, my daughter saw my behavior as the problem. My son, who is almost 7 years her junior, saw a different side of his father and a more "aware" me. (I became more able to keep my mouth shut and provoke an attack)my daughter doesn't talk to me anymore because she is convinced that I am the problem/ narcissist. My son has seen the real face of his father but at least he knows the real me and we are very close. I don't try to drive him away from his father. I guide him to cope with his dad "the way he is" and never to expect anything more.
Wow, it resonates with my situation. My son, who is not his son, is open to seeing who he is. We manage around him, but my daughter being 6 she struggles immensely not only because of her age but because it's her beloved "daddy." It's painful knowing this truth and living first hand how it affects a whole family. I do pray every day, and my prayer is"please Lord bring your light into my house. Bright everything to your light." That's my only hope that he will give understanding to my daughter as well, at the right time. Not mine but rather his perfect time. I try not to lie to my children, I don't sugarcoat wrong behavior. That includes accountability from my side. This is the hardest topic for me, but I have learned to mature and know myself a lot more than I thought was possible.
Wow. Thank you for this break down. I feel so bad for exploding. And the flip of the script is the worst. I keep feeling like I need to learn to be more assertive but honestly I just need to get away. I've explained myself so many times, at this point it just feels like talking to a wall. Like why do I even need to explain what I've gone through. You'd think they would just be more understanding and sympathetic but NO. Not with vulnerable narcs or alcoholics. I am learning. UGH.. Family is so fun😊💜
Those are narcissistic fleas.........
I have too many after all that
Collective madness.........
Thanks for your videos !!!
Thank you for this. I've been ruminating on this for months because my toxic older brother (I don't think he's a narcissist but boy, he ain't good) started claiming that I used to "beat him up every day" when we were kids. While this is absolutely false, I do feel guilty that I definitely did sometimes hit him, and it's had me questioning myself. But like you point out, it was only when he had verbally bullied me to my absolute breaking point. Thank you for helping me to work this out!
Everything you have said it's correct 😭
Reactive abuse is one of the most gaslighty terms out there.
"You don't get to treat me like garbage and you're going to hear about it. Like, now. Like, stop talking."
I'll sing it all day long.
And I do.
I catch myself screaming at him, mainly because he won’t tell the truth, he won’t even talk to address any of the things that hurts me…. The more I scream, the calmer he is…… he is now saying I must have a drug problem because I’m not acting normal….. I’m responding to the 21/2 year relationship he’s been having on the side that he’s lying about
My god. Two decades of living in fight or flight mode. And i kept coming back for more. All that shame and guilt. I came here wondering if i might have been the narcissist. I had given up chasing this person two years ago and was doing just fine. She contacted me and i was delighted to hear from her. I thought she might have forgiven me for the way i treated her and i wanted to make amends. But all i got messages with words that looked as if they were my own, and i was talking to myself. My body started hurting, I did'nt want to eat, sleep, and was already starting to feel disconnected from people in my life. Lucky the two years of no contact, and some high quality self care, allowed me to resolve what i had been triggered by when i got caught in that web, and i feel myself unsticking fairly quick. this was instant help. I feel sorry for her now. What a hell that must be
Ruminating is where I'm stuck. If only I had...would anything have ever changed? How to move on past this?
I question myself all the time. This is why I’m looking at this video up.
This was very validating, thanks!
I responded this way for 28 years, three months, and 11 days. It was Hell. But I'm a better person today because of it. I owned my reactive abuse and took responsibility for it.
Yes...lately everyday.
Thank you for this video! My ex insists I am a narcissist, I keep telling her my therapist diagnosed my as fearful avoidant, she says her therapist (who I never met) diagnosed me as narcissist and she entered a support group for narcissistic abuse, which I find surreal. Videos like this puts matters into perspective 🙏
I have gone through this for years with my mother an recently I'm seeing a therapist because of it.
I’m sorry to hear that… hope therapy is helping 🙏❤️
There's no winning. If you withdraw and don't give them the reaction or, god forbid, leave to cool down the situation you're a "pos" for "ignoring the person's emotional needs". If you engage and let the emotions boil after being pushed to your breaking point and react you're an "abusive pos".
I have been thinking it must be me!!! You have helped me so much
I've always felt guilty. . . I no deep dwn all I've done is say truths and literally wot was going on. . .
I do u no wot I realised the more I sed the more I was jus hurting myself. . .
Hey Christina!! I hope you’re well! Early Merry Christmas! Lol 🎄♥️
Hi Pete! Merry Christmas to you too!🎄🎁
0:07 ⚠🤔 In my case, I have to disagree:
Conflict NEVER happened in front of another person! In fact EVERY disagreement, argument or 'fight' was behind 'closed doors' or while isolated away from others.
- Why? So that _everyone else_ would only _ever_ see the 'bright and shiny' side of her!
🚩Like the MOON: Only those that get close enough will see the TRUE 'cluster-B darkness'.
When I removed myself from this person and cut them off, they found a way to get to me and make me feel guilty. Then when I stuck around to try to fix things, they still made me feel guilty and like a bad person for literally everything. Even down to the way I breathed. Even down to not speaking but just sitting on the phone line because I was forced to via guilt trips.
They pushed and pushed me into a corner. I lashed out. It was the nastiest behavior I have ever had in my life. It's been over a year since then and it is still eating me alive. I don't know how to recover. I have never started a fight in my life.
I was literally in a hospital bed after having such a severe headache that I went to the E.R and found out I had a stroke and I have a brain aneurysm, I reached out to them because I literally had nobody else(or at least felt like I didn't); They started an argument and nitpicking within a minute. They said I was lying about my diagnosis I just received until I sent them proof, then still later did again. Scariest moment of my life and that was my support system. I was in shock for so many reasons. I am not the same person I was before I met them. I had a very tough life, struggled through all of it- but always positive and recovered in the end. I can't overcome this, and I don't know what to do anymore. They really won.
Took me years but when I hit my breaking point, I reacted. I wasn’t even violent, I just sent paragraphs of texts explaining how I felt and asked him why he kept hurting me (he wouldn’t talk so text was my only option). The only response I got was him accusing me of being abusive and tormenting him. The guilt I felt for sending those texts explaining my emotional pain is something I’ve NEVER experienced in my life. I felt terrible. I thought he was right, I was abusive. I started questioning my whole reality, believing I was someone I knew I wasn’t. And it that nearly took me down. I beat myself up and ignored everything he did to me. All I thought was, he’s right, I deserve this, I’m a horrible human. Took months of therapy to break free from that. This is so well explained. Now I know no doubt, my ex is a narcissist. The years of abuse is clear to me now and I never saw it as abuse. I just thought I was being too sensitive. I wish I could go back to the day I met him and turn the other way - but then I wouldn’t have my son (his child who he won’t acknowledge). To anyone going through this, sending so much love and prayers. I can testify, you WILL heal and come out better. Go no contact and focus on yourself ❤
Ty for this video. Its validating. When she would push me to the meltdowns i became someone i couldnt stand.
I said and did terrible things. She was so calm and quiet while i was coming unglued.
Every single time she remained silent and just watch me crying and begging and ranting.
My god? What kind of a woman could just stand there and calmly watch another human suffer like that?
I swear she was enjoying it. I began to think i was losing my sanity.
When she exited my life that bad behavior left me.
Until her i never behaved like that. I was becoming violent.
I truly believe she is sadistic and evil.
It took me 3 years to understand and accept that I married a covert narcissist. I used to hold my tongue when my husband would lash out at simple questions or requests--in order to keep the peace--but once we had kids that was my breaking point. My husband can no longer walk all over me, he has responsibilities, and should he ever harm the kids he'll be a bachelor again. And we all know narcissists fear abandonment.
This is such a wonderful short video that I found by accident really. I've had these kind of instances with two women that I was in relationships with. I didn't have an answer as to why I reacted the way that I did, although at the time I did solve the problem and I moved into a space where I could respond to the abuse in a mature manner, which I think only made them more upset LOL. But nonetheless, it's good to have a name for this.
We can always change our reaction to a response. A response is something that you give when you are mature (in control of feelings/emotions), when you are reactive there might be a little bit of immaturity there.
Thank you for the video!!!
It has taken me 10 years to put a name to what has been happening to me. Currently working on extricating myself from this situation. Now that I see it I can't unsee it.
It's been a week I ended my relationship. It feels like I'm going insane. I feel confused and guilty.
Thanks a lot, interesting subject. My experience with my narcissistic ppl around me, who are really smart manipulators.
I've only made it a few words in and I can already tell this is exactly what I needed to hear right now
❓ Can you please go into great detail in the different kinds of reactive abuse PLEASE 🥺
I was sexually assaulted a few times in my 20s. My current boyfriend acts like women ask for it & men aren’t at fault. This came up last night(again) & I didn’t react. He became so angry he totally up-threw our home & then got my reaction. He’s going in longer bouts with not doing this, but I feel like I should apologize
What you need to do is leave him not apologise