Women aren't Attracted to "Nice Guys"
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 ต.ค. 2024
- • Never Date Anyone With...
I thought being a "Nice Guy" would make me more attractive, but the truth is, Women are far more attracted to authentic partners who aren't afraid to show up as their truth self. There's a big difference between being a "nice guy" and being genuinely kind and thoughtful. One of them is serving you from a place of true kindness and consideration, the other is giving from a place of insecurity OR expecting something in return because they were "nice".
Free Conflict Workshop matthiasjbarke...
#peoplepleasing #datingtips #datingadviceformen
This was a vulnerable video for me, if I'm honest, it feels like it's more likely to trigger people. It could trigger some women for thinking that I was blaming them for not being attracted to nice guys (which certainly wasn't my intent) or it could trigger men who would say I'm blaming them and placing even more shame upon them when they are clearly trying to be accommodating and kind already (which I'm certainly not trying to do). So I guess all I'm saying is I hope my intent came through on the video. I just want to make the point that we shouldn't be dating in fear, we shouldn't be giving with a bunch of expectations, and we shouldn't be suppressing who we are out of fear of being rejected or abandoned, doesn't matter if you're a "nice guy" or a "good girl", you deserve someone who wants to see the real you =) But that starts with us accepting and loving the real us. Thanks again for watching!
Brilliant 👏 👏 👏 Great advice for both men & women!
dont worry bro, ur not completely wrong!
one thing idk if u mentioned this or not probably very unrelated, but "insecure guys" are more scary to us then just not attractive.
theres this unspoken rule between me and my other frnds, that if there is an insecure man, dont cross him! especially when he's wd his friends!
idk if this comes into "nice guy", i believe it doesnt but more into insecurities.
most women who have insecurties project onto themselves, wd most men I have seen (most: keyword), they project it onto others and obv being the physically weaker gender,
thats terrifying!
Ive seen true crime documentries, so.. its just dead terrifyin for us!
so you should talk about that too if u havent already! Im sure it can help alot of people!
i understand your fear and thank you for sharing that part of yourself with us :] your point came across perfectly to me and i could honestly not agree more with everything you said in the video (coming from afab trans man, but.. yep, it's like you're inside my head at times 😂💜)
This is on the border of attachment theory... Fearful Avoidant or possibly even anxious preoccupied.
(An important part of) Selfcare is choosing not to argue with people committed to misunderstanding you.
As a guy who was the "nice guy" Jimmy is on point. Oftentimes many of these nice guys often confuse being kind with being complete doormats, we don't like being doormats but out of fear of being turned down and/or being alone we often put way more time and energy into someone who we're not even dating. And it drains you because you're only acting nice because deep down you have a selfish desire. One thing that I(and many other ex nice guys) have learned to do is to be myself and not fear being rejected. I don't have to agree with everything my crush says and I don't always have to be her yes man and spend all my time with her. A good woman will respect your boundaries and understands that you're human and that you have other priorities in life. Women value honesty and you can only be honest in front of others if you are honest with yourself. Taking time to reflect on what you value and what are your goals in life is a good start. Another thing is that you need to learn how to invest your time and effort into a relationship wisely. No point in wasting time and effort with someone who doesn't feel the same towards you. Granted Im still trying to get better but these are my two cents and any more advice would be great.
This is a great comment.
It's so nice to hear a guy explaining this to other guys.
From a female perspective, "nice" (aka treating other people generally well) is a baseline. We all want a partner with a healthy sense of self who's more than just "nice." Someone who's kind but without expectations of repayment. Generous but with healthy boundaries. Someone with hobbies, interests, passions, goals, and opinions of their own that naturally align with ours, not something manufactured to be more liked.
I hope that any guy looking for answers in this video hears your message, pursues internal peace, healthy boundaries, and confidence, and finds an honest and authentic relationship where they feel respected and valued.
@@okashi10 Here’s the etymology of “nice,” copied from AI response to search: Five hundred years ago, when nice was first used in English, it meant "foolish or stupid." This is not as surprising as it may seem, since it came through early French from the Latin nescius, meaning "ignorant." By the 16th century, the sense of being "very particular" or "finicky" had developed. In the 19th century, nice came to mean "pleasant or agreeable" and then "respectable," a sense quite unlike its original meaning.
I have also seen “nice” meaning “cunning” or “crafty.”
I don't expect shit, I ask for it lol
I dated one of those nice guys, traumatized at childhood... It was very "nice" for the first 3 months, until I noticed that the niceness was a manipulative tool to force me to give it back too much more!! Then I had to call it quits and he is now Stalking me for the last three years ... 😮 😳😫🤒💔
I know the police are usually useless, but I would still file with them to keep up a paper trail.
Stay safe regardless!
Record and report EVERYTHING
Sounds like lovebombing to be honest, not nescessarily "nice guy" syndrome. But I hope you are okay of course
You just described a covert narcissist. Stay safe.
Yeah this is it. The ones that think their "niceness" makes them entitled to something.
Jimmy, this was so eloquent and beautiful. And it applies to women, too. My only regret is that you weren't here 10 years ago. But as a single person, I learn from you every day. And often I send your videos to my sister, who's been married for 36 years. I'm not sure if you have a degree in psychology or if this all comes from your own person journey, but I thank you for sharing your wisdom in such a genuine and heartfelt way. 💝
He said all his personal journey, he cheated on his wife and other stuff.
That’s how I feel,it pertains to women too
Who cheated? @@b2tharocksax199
✋️ From a neurobilogical standpoint, limmerence has always been an issue. It's def could be a larger cultural reflection of the childhood home, that unfortunately many people come from traumatic homes, and many have never expereinced good love, nice people, and it feels subconsciously unfamiliar and ironically "not attracted to," just means "not familiar," subconsciously, neurologically speaking.
The more both people practice awareness, sifting through the experiences, learn, and evolve, the more we will be attracted to whats right, aka healthy, for us.
Great video!You are on point with the comment about Authenticity, at least for me personally 😂❤
I had this unhealthy crush on a guy (not a bad person, just as hurt) until l realize that him feeling like home, and being so familiar, wasn't a good thing since I (and him) came from rough childhoods.
It's not acknowledged enough that a healthy family and childhood is a form of wealth some of us never experienced.
indeed, jimmy.
rejection is scary.
but losing years of your life emotionally and/or legally tied to someone that doesn't love/appreciate/see you is waaaaaaay more scary
my love was a nice guy growing up, too. i'm so proud of him for knowing his worth *now* and i am honored to reinforce that worth for him.
i am not the source of his self-worth, but instead a reflection of it. and he is the same for me. and receiving his love feels that much sweeter for it
I suggest reading a book 'Bruce Thornwood: Unveiling Your Hidden Potential' if you want to know how to man up. Just follow everything writer suggests in there, it's one of the best reads I had in a while.
This is absolutely true for men as well. “Nice girls” become a wife appliance who isn’t loved and respected because she doesn’t respect herself
I’ve seen men stay with this type of woman and cheat on her instead of leaving because men benefit more from relationships more than women do.
Women will usually reject these nice guy types of men right off the bat as opposed to settling for a relationship.
Perfect timing on this topic. I've been mulling over the difference between nice and kind. I've been looking at my past behaviors and trying to decide how to be kind moving forward, and not self sacrificing niceness out of anxiety. Thanks for the in depth discussion here.
True. It feels fake and feels insecure. Worst thing about 'nice' guys is they resent their 'sacrifices' that weren't even asked for and they turn bitter.
They expect reciprication and when it's not reciprocated they feel hurt and taken for granted so generally will (in my case) communicate intention and expectations because you can't just hold someones hand on a date without it being a big thing now so you get essentially one chance to reciprocate in a healthy way or i'm bailing. Been through enough one way relationships.
I think what they are doing is called “covert contracts “. It’s unspoken that you have to return the favour…that would make them manipulative. The “nice guy “ always makes me feel repulsion to them.
@@zealiabella8553I think you are spot on with your insight.
I agree with this but I have a counter point. Sometimes, people manipulate someone's desire to be kind and to "do the right thing" by coercing them into contracts themselves. It's easy to throw your hands in the air and say you never asked for somebody to do something, even though you already identified it as a problem that needed a solution or something similar. This can be common in workplaces where say, a manager will give a vague outline for an employee to earn a promotion just to bait them into taking on more work (like dangling a carrot on a stick), only to simply not acknowledge any of that extra hard work when it comes time to give a promotion or a raise. I've had bosses straight up lie to me about my job by telling me I needed to be doing extra work that wasn't in my "department", just to either take it for granted (that was your job to do anyways) or pretend they never asked me to do it in the first place. You have to have the wisdom to know when you're doing something for no reason, and when somebody is trying to convince you or lie to you about your responsibilities just to have you do more.
Gave 18 years to a " nice " guy. A workaholic, emotionally unavailable, insecure guy. After we divorced he did something so out of character that I truly questioned who I was married to all those years. I learned so much from all of it. Thank you Jimmy for telling the truth about how a real, healthy relationship works.
I wish more men had the insight, knowledge, integrity, and confidence to speak out against the “alpha male” mentality. That way of thinking is so juvenile and sad. It takes no strength to have that type of mindset. Thank you for this.
I also want to add that guys who are unable or unwilling to speak up about their needs and set boundaries will inevitably build up so much resentment toward their partner that will cause the relationship to fall apart, usually leaving the other person wondering what in the world just happened. Even on our best days, we can’t read 100% of someone’s mind.
I hate all this Alpha Male crap. “You have to be strong, don't show weakness, don't cry, no feelings” - all that is just sad.
Men who fall for it at a difficult time in their lives, for example when they're at the bottom and let themselves be talked into something, are very difficult to get out of it. I've experienced this myself with a friend.
I, on the other hand, would also describe myself as a nice guy today, but in a slightly different way than described in the video.
Thanks to my wonderful therapist, who showed me how I can show my feelings, how I can live out my feelings and how I can stand up for myself, which wasn't possible before due to destructive thought cycles and people in my life who felt like they were pulling all the strings - since I got out of that, I know what I want, where I want to go and what I expect from life.
Since then, I've been preaching to everyone I hear about how bad they are and how good therapy has done me. I was incredibly lucky with my last therapy after many wrong ones.
It was the right person who was able to teach me exactly the things I needed to become the person I always wanted to be, but never knew how I would get there as externally controlled as I was.
Now I'm there, and the only way I could be happier is through a partnership.
@@christosius It’s so good to hear you found the right therapist and have went through so much growth! I wish you the best!!
@@christosius I'm glad you learned this! Feelings/emotions are normal and natural - for both men and women.. The dysfunctions begin when men are incorrectly told that emotions are for women... so men stuff their natural emotions. Then those emotions come out sideways in drunkenness, drug abuse, anger, gambling, fighting, depression, or other anti-social behaviors.
I think you forget left wingers exist haha, they are the alpha ones in reality (bc they use their brains and not brawn) and laugh at the hilbillies like “im so alpha that im scared of women and minorities”
"just open up"
woman before using man's emotion as a weapon against him.
Had a friend who’s abusive girl was like “im gonna break up with you unless you make way more money” so he took a second job while she sat at home with the dog, and eventually she changed it to “im breaking up with you bc you always work and i never see you”
Stay safe out there guys, theres NPD people everywhere
but this is what guys are like now
A mentor of mine died today, she was a fantastic teacher beyond just music, and I am going to miss her dearly.
I took some time to open up to some friends at work, and I just wanted to say this was a message I needed.
You're absolutely right, Jimmy! However, after experiencing a narcissistic type personality for 40 years, I long for a kind, genuine, honest, authentic, supportive partner who is able to create an intimate relationship, someone who shows you they need you and is comfortable being vulnerable. Someone who prioritizes me and the relationship, a person who accepts me for who I am.
I know i am a codependent and have worked on myself. It is a process and I'll always be working on it. Sadly, the "nice person/ guy" dows not get the respect he deserves. I don’t understand and will never understand it. But a kind , confident person who is authentic, and still able to set boundaries is rare and so refreshing when they come around. As you mentioned , it's imported to make sure we know what we want. We're always trying to make sure the other person likes us and not focus on what we like . Thank you so much. This hit home, and it's so true! ❤
I think most women are attracted to men who are a blend of masculine and feminine energy, so to speak. Someone who takes initiative and takes the lead in many ways but is also in touch with their emotions and yours. Strong but also gentle. Balance. And that’s good for women too.
Exactly.. I notice women are super attracted to what the alpha bros call; feminine/gay; because they display emotional intelligence an genuine kindness.. and of course they they groom themselves properly and have good hygiene 🤷♀️
Getting in touch with my emotions was the best thing Ive ever done. Its a shame my own mother thought of me as weak for at one point willing to show that I needed help but was completely dismissed to man up. It near destroyed my first relationship not being able to be comfortable expressing my vulnerabilities.
I once asked a friend of mine who was a woman what women are looking for in a guy. She said something I remember to this day: "We're looking for a strong poet." Love that line.
Yes!
woman say shit like this when choose a literal criminal lmao.
Honesty is the best plus yes giver and kindness plus considerate
Wow man this video changed my life. I started watching this as i was entering a relationship for the first time in 5 years and was overfilled with anxiety and different trauma responses that made me doubt whether I could do it or not. I eventually healed and started looking at this stuff healthily but after a month in we faced our first real complicated situation.
It's crazy cuz this video couldn't have had a more perfect timing. Everything you said reflected perfectly into how I was unconsciously acting. And it also made her feel like we weren't equals. I hope I can implement this and make our relationship work cuz she's really awesome, but i understand myself better now and no longer need or want to force it to work. I'll be fine regardless, and I'll always love her cuz she it doesn't mean she isn't a good person.
To have people with this level of maturity and wisdom and the ability to share it on the internet, I am truly blessed. Thanks man for changing the trajectory of my entire life.
Jimmy, I hope you read this because I truly appreciate the content you upload. I am a 54 year old dunce(not really,but I am 54)and all the subjects you talk about are exactly what I have experienced for 36 years,hence the dunce. I can't believe I have let it all go on so long but honestly I didn't know there was language for all this until a while ago. I thought it was all normal. I live with a man with a dismissive avoidant attachment style and thought it was all me. I see through your videos I am not crazy and my problems in many ways have related to being with someone who operates this way. 36 years of time has also created a monster in a way. I don't know if I have it in me to recover our relationship after all that has happened all these years,but thank you for giving language to my problems,validating them,giving solution and examples of healthy interactions. I also understand my partner better and can see through his eyes better. What you are doing is so valuable and I just wanted to let you know it has helped me feel stronger in my decisions around my relationship. I have never liked the blame game,and now have more tools to work with. Thank you! Corinne Rust Canada❤❤❤
This is such a great video- especially in light of your pinned comment explaining your intentions in creating this! I wish you could give a relationship class to all senior high school or college students! Brilliant!❤
Speaking as a former "nice guy" with some pretty toxic associated behaviours, it was only painful and extensive self-reflection that finally brought me to the point of realising that I wasn't being honest, with myself or others.
I feel you
Nice is not the same as kind. I seek kind men.
This is just a semantics
No, “nice” is people-pleasing or manipulating. It isn’t genuine or sustainable. Kindness is done with healthy boundaries.
I agree. I suppose it kind of depends on what definitions we give words.
But niceness is the lowest form of kindness in my book.
Would it be nice if you gave a drug addict money for drugs when they came and asked you for money saying that it was for xyz? Probably. Would it be kind? Absolutely not.
Being nice is telling and showing people what they want to hear and see, being kind is being authentic about who you are and what you believe is best.
@@Ash_Wen-li It's not. Subtle differences are still differences.
Great point.
My man, this was very appreciated and very needed for me.
Thank you for putting out this kind of positive content more of us need to hear
I never understood why men who treated me indifferently thought that that would make me like them. Why would I want to associate with a person who tells me that I am not as good as they are? Why would I like somebody whose behavior encourages me to think less of myself?
It's because they are grandiose and genuinely think they are God's gift to humanity and that everyone should grovel in their presence🙏common sense, right?😂
Most of these types think that women all have daddy issues and will chase a man that reminds them of their absent or aggressive father. They watch these podcasts where they invite only fans models who fit the stereotype so they can feel better about their lives.
Truth be told it's all projection; they seek promiscuous and abusive women because that's close to what their mothers are or were and they never question their attraction to toxic women nor their attachment styles.
@@lillaprofessorn it also may be that many people are taught by their families that they are not good enough. They have been taught that only when the person who judges them finally offers approval will they be OK. When a person has been subjected to this tragic form of training, they go into the world thinking that they will not be good enough unless they can find a way to convince a judgmental person to love them, and then they attract people who judge them. The judgmental person treat them indifferently, or judgmentally, and this stimulates the poorly trained person to work harder to gain the judgmental person’s love.
The grandiose person preys upon poorly trained person’s insecurities because they (the grandiose person) have insecurities of their own, which they project onto the persons whom they judge. And the judged person colludes with the grandiose person’s judgements of them.
The poorly trained person has an advantage over the grandiose person, and that’s that the poorly trained person is willing to receive support. With support, the poorly trained person can learn to take a step back and witness the mechanics of their self-defeating behavior. They can see that their attempt at trying to “get” a judgmental person to love them is only playing into a vicious cycle. They can learn to recognize how they have colluded with the judgmental person in judging themselves. And they can begin to see that the judgmental person has found that “being the judge” offers them temporary relief for their insecurities. When a person sees these things, they can break the cycle.
With support, empathy, and help, the poorly trained person can train themself into becoming a wise person. They can start to see the fruitlessness of their own behavior. They can begin to recognize that the world is filled with people who are sincerely trying to grow and learn, and they will begin to prefer to associate with them.
*Insert slow clap*👏👏👏👏 Sir, this was SPOT ON! Thank you!
Preach!!! I have to be honest I feel like I’m also listening to this from a woman’s perspective too. Like am I a “Nice Girl” 😬 Thank you Jimmy!
guys and girls are not the same and we don't want the same things; being nice as a girl is a plus and we like it
My ex covert narc is a “nice guy narc” he pretends to be giving and caring so you are obligated to him for 1000 times anything he ever did for you. He’s a full blown pathological liar and psychopath under the mask. He used to say out loud I’m a great husband and stellar father, which could not be further from the truth.
I could be wrong, but I don’t think that’s really who we’re talking about here. It’s the other side of the coin from the narcissist.
Both the nice guy and the narcissist are liars, but the nice guy is going to let you walk all over them and let you make everything their fault. The nice guy is the emasculated male who lets you get away with too much.
The nice guy often attracts the narcissist because of this, because the nice guy thinks that they have no value, and the narcissist sees an infinite source of supply on demand.
What you are describing seems to me at least to be a covert, narcissist, or somebody who has a cluster b personality
Thank you for countering the negative dating and relationship content that has become popular among some people.
You are right, it was not my fault.
It is still my responsibilty to change it, to be better. ... still working on that.
My current "project": Do not see others as a means to an end. (Kant ^^) May take the rest of my life ...
I've watched a lot of "self-help" videos on how to find love and navigate romance, as well as deal with seemingly difficult people in relationships.
I've watched a lot of videos teachin me how to deal with and handle my own insecurities.
But this has so far shown me the bigger picture. Yes, the individual issues need to be addressed. But thank you for showing me how those individual issues are actually intertwined with each other.
I have never realised until now that I was not really being kind to the person I liked. I understand now. Even if I don't feel resentful towards said person for not giving me a chance, I understand now that pulling away and sulking to tend to my wounds of being rejected wasn't the best course of action.
I think I will still have that 'nice guy' part of me moving forward. But now I know how to fight it and work on having the courage to push it down.
Thank you, Jimmy.
I love who you are, the way you think, how you expressing it and your generosity toward everyone of us. Thank you a lot!
brilliant! love the show! and love the funny shorts you do! amd huge congrats for getting to the million subscribers!! well deserved!!
External validation is the key. I struggle with that since my childhood. I am working on fixing it right now, as it caused me many troubles.
I resonate with this, I showed up this way for the majority of my life.
A great read is ‘no more mr nice guy’.
Helps to open your eyes to the paradigms adopted in childhood and cemented in adulthood.
Change starts within, see the role you play in your own story and choose to take the lead
I love how you give us the words to say - sometimes I need to practice this ahead of time, hear myself saying the words so I can utter them authentically in the actual moment without fear or angst.
The perks of going your own way, you aren’t really obligated to care about who’s attracted to who.
We love you Jimmy, this is awesome - gonna have to watch a couple times to divide the flips, but well worth listening to many times. Great goals. love the comparisonn !!!!
Thank you for your videos - your tone is so consistently compassionate and encouraging. It's beautiful to see this.
Your analysis of the taker abandoning you in the day to day… hit home. So true
I wish I would have had this kind of information 50 years ago. My life would have been so different!
Thank you for putting this out there!
❤❤❤❤ My daddy was always wonderfully kind gentle and sweet.
He was never mean nor abusive in any way.
Why I miss my daddy and still single
As someone who’s seen so many videos titled the same as this i normally would have written it off… however i appreciate this one because it felt different listening to, it felt more genuine and relatable
I'm retired at 47. went from Grass to Grace. This video here reminds me of my transformation from a nobody to good home, honest wife, $75K biweekly and a good daughter full of love God bless America🇺🇲❤️
Hello, how do you achieve such biweekly returns? As a single parent i haven't been able to get my own house due to financial struggles, but my faith in God remains strong.
I'm inspired.
Please spill some sugar about the biweekly stuff you mentioned
This is a definition of God's unending provisions for his people. God remains faithful to his words. 🙏 I receive this for my household
I raised 75k and Kate Elizabeth Becherer is to be thanked. I got my self my dream car 🚗 just last weekend, My journey with her started after my best friend came back from New York and saw me suffering in dept then told me about her and how to change my life through her.Kate Elizabeth Becherer is the kind of person one needs in his or her life! I got a home, a good wife, and a beautiful daughter. Note: this is not a promotion but me trying to make a point that no matter what happens, always have faith and keep living!
I started with a miserly $1500. The results have been mind blowing I must say TBH
I agree. But I think women often confuse flexibility with doormat behaviour too. Wise people know not every fight is worth picking. It is unwise women who like being disagreed with specifically because they are being disagreed with.
Jimmy. This was hard to watch and know you were talking directly to me! I will re-watch it many times because it’s so important. Thank you for probably the best guidance I’ve ever heard, as it relates to relationships
Jimmy this is is one of your best!! You've hit the nail on the head!! 👏👏👏
"Nice" like that means manipulation. He's overdoing it because he wants something in return, and if he doesn't get it he'll lash out, because he feels entitled to it.
You’re awesome, Jimmy! I love your videos; entertaining & informative. Thanks!
Thanks so much! This finally explains to me why I have liked men in the past that weren’t the best for me. It was their genuineness that I loved and their transparency. Now I look for both genuineness and their ability to look after my best interests. I also have had many friendships with men who were so kind to me but I wasn’t attracted to them. Like you said, being overly apologetic was a key trait and I never liked that because I had to carry both their self esteem and mine. Which I didn’t want. Thank you again for your well said thoughts.
Truthfully I passed up a nice guy when I was 19 / 20 for all the bad guys. They ruined my life and sadly he passed away 8 yrs ago and I bet he would have loved me as deep as I loved those bad guys.
Understand that the bad guy looks like the good guy at first.
Be kind. Not nice. The one who has the monster within that can be kept under control. Element of mystery, sexiness without manipulation and control. Have confidence and have gotten over and worked through issues, hang-ups, insecurities. Unpredictable and spontaneous. I could go on.
Very well put sir, as always. Healing and getting to know ourselves is so important. Figuring out our needs, wants, and desires and then when another healed person comes along they become a power couple. Hopefully I'll have that chance some day.
Thanks for this video. I've met men who want to be the nice guy, and men who believe that they can't be vulnerable or women will leave them. Both are wrong. Men who know what they want, have boundaries and confidence, and who can be vulnerable as well, is the thing healthy women want. You nailed it.
I am this guy. I am always too quick to express my feelings. I try to avoid conflict, and I end up in relationships that do not satisfy me , because I haven’t put myself first until the relationship is predicated on the subordinacy of my feelings and needs. I am aware that I do this. And I do it because I don’t believe that women will want me if I am more selfish. So I know what I do and why, but not how to fix it.
This video is incredibly helpful to me and I think you approached this topic from a well balanced perspective. Thank you for sharing!
Key words, confident and assertive .
Thank you Jimmy, right to the point as always! I was that nice girl and raised by narcissistic parents. I thought I had to give up my true self to have a man who wanted to marry me. I married a narcissist. 9.5 years later, I’m here
If he can't express his needs, he won't honor mine either.
Thank you for sharing this content. Youre timing is impeccable also
I like to use the word “ kind “ that’s attractive but “ nice” sometimes means you have no boundaries and won’t stand up for yourself
Yep. Boundaries. Authenticity. Groovy.
Good advice and very well explained. Thanks.
I just listened to this twice and I have to say points were made respectfully...
thanks for your thoughts, very helpful, much appreciated
Ive been through a couple of transitionary periods in my life where Im desperately lonely and when trying to integrate get aggressively nice trying to make anyone like me. It tends to cause problems, especially with women. I genuinely expect nothing in return and eventually figure that out but it always comes from a place of such darkness that im desperately grasping for any connection
It's similar to having a strong father figure who teaches you and keeps you safe by establishing clear boundaries and enforcing them in a fair & just way. Women want a man who is protective in all ways.
Your timing on releasing this video is almost creepy 😂
I started therapy after my wife set her boundaries. This is exactly what I was doing and I felt like a shell of a person. Thank you for getting this knowledge out there.
I needed to hear this honestly.
The kind of nice that you describe is not selfless. The avoidance of confrontation and wanting to be liked is not selfless. It`s a manipulation of the world around you to avoid uncomfortable situations like confrontations and not being liked. I am not blaming, often it`s people with agressive or violent parents who behave like that. In contrast a kind person will not avoid confrontation if it is necessary and will hold their own boundaries. Holding your own boundaries is the only way to not getting resentful and actually staying a kind person.
Would this apply to people pleasers as well? That they had very controlling and aggressive parents that taught them not to voice their own needs so they try to manipulate situations and people around them because that was how they were taught to be liked?
@@ajregalia1334 Yes, it`s people pleasers,. It happens exactly how you described it. That also goes for (mostly women) who got conditioned by church congregations and society to never make anybody uncomfortable and to "be humble" and "be modest", to not have needs and boundaries.
I feel like this is perfect to help men understand that them being who they are is perfectly ok they dont have to be angry or depressed because they push themselves down they can be who they are and heal and grow with a woman or by themselves and maybe they drift apart but they can take that knowledge and help others or take time to themselves to understand more
That was awesome. Thanks.
And communicate. So important. Ppl arent mind readers. Whats important to one person isnt so much to the next person.
And dont expect her to be a doormat, either. I know this isn't that topic, but it needs to be said. Sorry, that's narcissistic abuse, another topic, not for the group this is directed at.
This was good. Assuming all parties want a healthy relationship. And mature enough to own their own stuff. Alot to unpack. I really appreciated this.
Means a lot to hear it from a centered, male figure.
Especially on how being the nice guy can be seen as, or is actively a form of manipulation.
Its tough sometimes to know what you want and what you want for them. Especially when you both like the same things. This was a trap i was stuck in, i would exhibit nice guy tendencies and when i would do something for me it was seen as appeasement. When I finally did the right thing and was assertive about us separating suddenly Im attractive again and she’s questioning herself. Woof was that a toxic situation.
I think most of the guys I’ve dated share the same quality - they’re nice, caring and accommodating - including my current one - they’ve strong values but they’re just kind and I found out this quality is what most of my (successful and confident) women friends like.
Same with women's neediness. Be you!!
Haven't watched the full video yet, but it took me a while to realize that being nice should just be the base line.
Story of my 'old life' of 21yrs until I finally stood up for myself and in a fit of NPD rage, because she was losing control, stabbed me in the kitchen. That breakup was the best thing that happened to me as far as relationships go. I was 59 at the time. It's 7 yrs ago now & I'm still learning how NOT to be a nice guy but be a kind guy. Read Robert Glover's 'no more Mr.Nice guy. Changed my life. Great video Brother, thankyou.
This is 100% accurate! That’s what women do want!
Pleasantly surprised, I thought this was going to be a rant but it was intelligent, insightful and just really good advice. As a woman if I had seen more of this maturity I might have been more positive about dating.
Thank you! this video has given me some clarity.
After 35 years of trying to find a relationship with a woman, I decided to quit dating. I wasted too much time, and money on a hopeless pursuit. I failed. I'm going to concentrate on living alone.
You are great Jimmy, I love your videos 💯
Thanks for this video ❤
I have been a "Nice Guy" for so long 😢
It always feels suspect when I’m around “nice” guys. Though they are really nice, i don’t really know them bc they don’t genuinely share their likes and dislikes. They are easy to leave bc i don’t feel attached. I don’t want to date a mirror. I like individuality.
Most of the men I know are nice guys. *For the past century, a nice guy was a man with good social skills.* If you suspect men with good social skills, that is your prerogative, but it is dysfunctional.
yes, exactly - there’s a difference between niceness and goodness. if someone will sacrifice their dignity for approval, they’ll probably sacrifice YOU just as easily
Thanks a lot for this nice and informative video. "Nice", "kind" or whatever it is called, does not matter. A person who wants to be there for his partner no matter what and gives everything for her happiness cannot be a bad or a manipulative one. The problem comes, as mentioned in the first few minutes of this video, when he sacrifices himself and his needs and that is the point where he looses respect,especially if trapped in a covert narc. relationship!!! I think I am gaining it back (at least trying), by being a nice guy but not TOO NICE and putting MY NEEDs as my first priority. Lessons-learned from 15 years of relationship is, being too nice means more susceptible to being manipulated.
I have always been attracted to nice and good guys! I mean the type who have a good heart ❤️ and help people when they need it. The ones who try do the right thing have morals and show they care.
I love your podcast today covering so much truth and vulnerability is a strength thks🎉
After i became single again after 12 years I realised I was a nice guy. I told myself that I'm just that kind, or i sacrifice my needs for my partner, children etc. Now i try to fill my own cup and it works like magic, I still have insecurities, I go back to old patterns. But for the first time Im actually putting my foot down, I've told girls that if they don't meet me halfway I'm out, and sticking to that. Telling family members what my boundaries are and withdrawing my attention if those are not respected. It's scary, but I'm finally getting to know myself. There are parts I don't love, I'm working on those, but hiding them, builds up pressure and that comes out sooner than later, so if I'm angry, sad, happy, whatever I'm just that instead of being this chameleon of sorts.
Care-TAKING and "sacrifice" vs care-GIVING are two very different energies. Care-taking is often what "nice" partners offer with the intention (subconscious or otherwise) of attracting someone with whom they'll feel loved back for the person/attributes they're not able to love about themselves. It's a subconscious intention to control/manipulate another to fill the hole in their heart that they can't fill until they take the time to really know and love themselves. "Nice" energy may work at the outset of a relationship but eventually begins to feel sticky and full of expectations one never would've signed up for if they'd known. It's co-dependent control. And, eventually, it becomes off-putting enough to bring out avoidant behavior in anyone. Just a matter of time. Then there's care-GIVING which can only be offered freely to another because the giver's heart is full. Boundaries are known and can be communicated and held with respect. It feels wonderful to be able to offer love without strings! Acting loving to another to feel loved back is depleting and angsty to both sides. Knowing and loving who we are so we can share that love with another creates intimacy.
I followed this, or rather, I was pushed into this, now the nice guy in me is angry, bitter, and alone.
Good one Jimmy!!!!
I'm not a dude, but this healed me a little bit in a way I didn't know I needed. Blessings.
Great video! I truly appreciate it. I wish I would have had this years ago.
Thank you!!!!! I keep trying to explain this to ppl and I'm judged for it. "NiceGuys" are people pleasers. We just call it out in woman, then call men "nice" lol.
I often feel like I can’t win. My parents were both narcissistic and in my youth I sometimes imitated their behavior and was rewarded for it. I so much despised these traits that I would try to be a good person but then I would suffer the consequences.
Right now I feel that overall our society has become very narcissistic. So being good isn’t valued or respected. I don’t need anyone’s validation at this point. But finding people that want to have healthy relationships has become scarce.
In my experience, there's the "nice guy" and the good man. I want the good man because he's not always "nice," but he's always a good man. The "nice guy" has an agenda and is only "nice" to get something.
I hear what you’re saying and I agree with most of it.
And, everybody enters into a relationship with an agenda.
If you didn’t have a reason to enter into a relationship… Why are you in it at all - that just doesn’t make any sense.
Relationships form in order to accomplish goals or to exchange value. The more reciprocal the exchange overtime, the healthier the relationship.
This isn’t just true for interpersonal relationships, it’s also true for business and national relationships.
I agree there’s a difference between a competent man/woman and an insecure doormat, and also an insecure narcissist at the other extreme from being a doormat.
The competent person lives closest to reality and in alignment with their true authentic self.
The narcissistic person lives in an inflated positively prideful delusion, and the doormat lives in a deflated negatively prideful delusion.
What has the world become
Don't be nice. Don't be mean. Got it
So relatable and true 💯
Thank you for all your videos. I am a woman, but this was so helpful. God bless you.