How To Tell If He's An Avoidant or Secure Man?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
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Get Him To Commit Before Sleeping Together (The Dating Vow)
Have you ever heard the saying: Women are the gatekeepers of sex, and men are the gatekeepers of commitment?
The "Dating VOW" Before Sleeping Together
I ___________________ agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next 3 to 6 months.
I ___________________ agree to be monogamous sexual while we have regular sex together
I ___________________ agree to not actively seek to meet/date others while we are in this dating process (include taking down dating profile)
I ___________________ agree to speak up if this isn't working for me vs. pulling back, ghosting or disappearing
I __________________ agree to invest regular time in this process of getting to know you which looks like this ______________
90% of men will bail on this because thousands of women will have sex without any commitment/agreement whatsoever. If all women are banned together (going forward), this will change how men treat/view sex, but in the meantime, if he does agree, you have a better chance of commitment than without it.
I love your new, more mellow energy, Jonathon! You know, more than once I thought I was dating someone secure and months later he turned out to be avoidant. Avoidants can mimic secure, emotionally available/healthy human beings in the first few months, in order to get what they want and while there's not enough context or pressure in the relationship. Don't be fooled! They will bail (emotionally and then physically) as soon as things get a little more serious. 99% of them will not change, do not try to change them, your love will not change them at all, no matter how amazing you are.
Thx Amanda! This is exactly what I'm dealong with.
I think an anxious attachment style can calm down when with a secure individual. A dismissive avoidant unfortunately seems to have narcissistic traits in my opinion and that in itself keeps me running away from Dismissive Avoidants.
Exactly!
Completely agree
Ll) ll
Avoidant! Highly. It’s one of the main factors of our divorce
q⁰4
You are so right, Jonathon! My guy is secure, and has all these qualities. He is a reader, invites me into his life, such natural closeness and wants conversations about all important topics, expressing feelings, on all levels and connections. Love your ideas on these things! 😘😉👏🏻
Bro,The Boomers,they are terrible!!!All the Old guys falling apart, playing games.
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BTW Jonathon, my mother was also very self-absorbed and cold/demanding with me. And, like you, I tend to lean anxious in romantic relationships, but I have earned secure behaviour after years of therapy and inner work. I totally agree with you about avoidants having a much harder time becoming secure than anxious do, and partly it's because avoidants feel very comfortable on their own and most don't believe they even need therapy or personal development. So, mostly fixed mindsets, as opposed to growth mindsets most anxious people have.
Thank you so much Jonathan for such terrific advice! I wrote down all ten things you said are what a secure partner does and I can truthfully say my special partner is definitely a wonderful secure man who is actually doing everything you said a secure person does if they are really serious and committed. So thank you so much for helping me to confirm this in my current and new relationship. Plus he is always saying he loves me and wants to be with me forever. I took that as a sign that he really is very committed to me. Thank you again!🤗
This was yet again, another wonderful video Jonathon!
I've been dealing with an ex who popped back into my life recently.
Your videos help me to understand our behaviors better.
Avoidant. Anxious.
Not a good mix.
Thank you!
Happy to help ☺️
I really needed this. I’m seeing a very kind and considerate man. He’s a little boring, too. In addition, he’s reliable, easy to talk to, straightforward (no subtexts to decipher), generous, and I don’t know what to do next.
Very interesting video
Please, please do a video talking about personal hygiene , yes "personal hygiene "
I don't understand how a men or woman believes that this is SO IMPORTANT in a relationship, they pretend to have a close romantic response when they smell like hell, this is a HUGE no, no, in dating .....this is vomiting feelings for real !!
Thanks!
Gotcha...
Poor hygiene?! Oh...em...gee...!! That would be a deal breaker for me!! In the absence of drug/alcohol addiction or mental illness, no one should have to tell a fully grown adult to practice good personal hygiene!! Just my thoughts....😕
Jonathon, your platform is becoming a place where a Tribe of people who wants more out of life meet. I mean both men and women who do not want to die alone and die ad if they never lived. This is divine work...forget the F bomb.
Awe... thank you
Ferris !!! Love me some Bueller ♥️ ... idk what you're drinking in that mug, but I had to pause and go get mine ♡😊 .. I made some instant vanilla oats and I am sipping and listening to you ... love you ♡... and YES, 100% resonating !!!!
He’s avoidant somex & some of us are & he even said red flags to me a year ago so we’re had our breaks 😅🤣
The man that I am dating is definitely a fearful avoidant.He has the tendancy to present as hot and cold- the 'pull push'.As a recovering anxious attachment,initially,it made me feel very anxious as I just didn't know where I stood- I was completely bamboozled. I have now done a lot of research into this and spoken to my therapist who agreed that he was probably a fearful avoidant.Now that I am educating myself,I don't feel anxious when he pulls away as I know that this is about him and nothing to do with me.I don't take it personally but that's not to say that it doesn't hurt.I am more towards a secure attachment these days having put in a lot of inner work with the help of my therapist.When he pulls away, I focus on my self- care.I feel much more empowered as I understand more about my fearful avoidant man and how to navigate this relationship.He is so kind and caring and bloody handsome and is worth putting in the work for.I am communicating my needs to him and he is slowly opening up.I am hoping that when we have been together longer,his trust will grow and he will be more secure with my increasingly secure attachment style.We have a wonderful time together and I feel blessed to have met him even though I was very happy on my own for several years.Thanks for doing this video Jon.😊
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Cudos to being able to take care of yourself! How do you manage to not take it personally? That's very impressive! What kind of therapist do you have? I need one like that.
Deep colors are your friend, they are complimentary to your skin tone and natural hair color.
Great video!
TY 🙏
I am really enjoying your content it makes so much sense thank you
Jonathon, Sparks in Broken Lights by Angelo Caerlang is very good. Every chapter is intense in voice of anxious attachment and being ghosted, etc. I rather read one those chapters than emailing my avoidant.
I'm in the process of reading ATTACHED, and so is my 35 year old daughter. The book is so eye-opening.
I'm definitely anxious, and my ex is avoidant; the two mix like oil and water.
I've experienced one of those oil & water relationships. It'll never work.
This dating thing is complicated it takes a lifetime it seems then another one to settledown,
Love should be kind
Handsome hair! I know an 80-year-old man who both has much hair, and hair that is mostly still his original (black) colour! It must be good genes. His younger brother had black hair until about 65, but has had a demanding profession.
I don't all agree with you. I think without money, relationship will not be good. Men should work and make good money to keep women happy. I devoiced because my ex didn't want to go work.
I did not say that...
@@JonathonAslay I remember you said, nowadays, money was not important for women, I think money is number one important for woman. IF my husband has a lot of money, I do not need to go work and I will treat him like a king. Without money, I have to go work, kids have to go daycare, have to worry the bill payment, how can I have a good mood.
Met this amazing guy online, two and half months ago; he is my type of guy and I really like him. He tells me he likes me too! Been on three great dates but he has not tried to kiss me or push to do anything inappropriate. The most we have done is hug each other. Is he just being a gentleman and respecting me or is he being avoidant?
He told me on our first date that he is looking for a relationship but he is not in a rush. Then, on a phone conversation after our 3rd date, he said he believes in building a friendship first. I want us to move things and connect more with each other emotionally (not sexually). He is 55 and I'm 47.
This is just so crazy being attracted to people with negative qualities one or both parents had. Just seems really wrong
Hi how can break someone break up with you jus because your family doesn’t appreciate him for you and would never want him to be around them but you love him please advise me
Thank You. I appreciate you learn a lot through you. Most of us are damaged I think this is part of being a human and to heal is everybody's ideal but we don't recognize it .
I read Attached and loved it. I found out why my last relationship failed - I'm anxious and he is avoidant. I recommend it to everyone now.
I admit. I would love to lay back on my "feminine energy" and a prince to show up and take charge as my king. 👑
It’s not just in the USA. narcissistic behaviour
The deep emotional and physical connection yes. So important
He wanted me to meet his family, on the meantime, he had a friend with benefits and was trying to find a woman who I hear he is "keeping" her at the house he said was mine.
Dating is boring and drawn out at the end of it, to me all interest isclost
You need to clone yourself xxxxx
I like your wisdom!
I can say... Gosh 😢 I was clueless about men's insecurities.
Sometimes I wish my guy I like would just lean in... He is very reserved and has no need to bond. I'm off on my path as it seems our paths are not joining. I wish him the best
He's probably a Dismissive Avoidant
It is not even clear as to how you should behave at that time
Was this the way our Ancestors divit?
There are love attachment styles. So we actually attach to another human being and not necessarily love another human being. Imago - What is the Imago theory?
It refers specifically to an *unconscious, idealized concept of familiar love that an individual develops during childhood, and which remains unchanged in adulthood*
This happens to most everybody yourself included. We often times choose and get attached to partners that are similar in personality or actually opposite of the personality of one or both of our parents because the little child inside of us is actually seeking approval from our parent but we choose partners to re enact this scenario that didn't happen in our childhood and quite frankly you could have had an extraordinary
childhood and still experience this or you could have had a rather traumatic
and dysfunctional childhood and experience this as well. People call this love they when they're actually literally reliving a childhood trauma with some person in their life
Exactly
I like the point that they make decisions with you.
💜💜💜I so appreciated hearing this talk this evening, thank you 🙏 💜💜💜
You are so welcome
A relationship is hard work,
It is ok for him be friends with many females and ex girlfriend? Please and thank you.
If it's healthy, yes it's okay. But if it's unhealthy... probably not.
You should make a video on how to tell if a grown man is scamming women of out money by peddling bullshit courses
Will do
Thank you big brother!
For me he scores 5 out of 7...he does not consult me before making a decision he informs me about what he has decided to do and ask my inputs. ...and he does not read as much as i do. I am happy with that...
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When you’re married is it ok for him to talk w. exes?Ty!
It depends if it's healthy communication
Listening to you is learning how to not die alone
WOW! Thank you
Absolutely. I wish ide found him before the love of my life had to go . I.know he will love me like no other. Maybe one day he will come back . My beautiful soul mate .
So my EX BD was a Virgo then the last 2 guys I dated were both Virgos actually their birthdays were the same day & now I just started talking to someone about a month ago & just found out he is also a Virgo....my past history with Virgos proven to not turn out well. Should I just cut things off now or wait & see what comes to be?
Go for it... 👍🏼
Wait and see! Sun signs, even for astrologers, are not accurate predictors of someone's behaviour - there are many planet and house placements that influence behaviour even more than the sun sign. So, give it a chance.
SAVE FERRIS 🤣🤣🤣
What if a man asks your advice n seems to just want to vent
Then your his therapist...
@@JonathonAslay I don't want to be his therapist...what to do?
“Vomit my feelings”? Really? My feelings are worthy of throwing up??” Please eliminate such misogyny from your videos.
Sorry Jonathon, I have to call you on this one. I love what you’ve done to completely redo my concept of a relationship, but sticking my head into a toilet to disappear my feelings? That’s what made me single in the first place.
It's humor not misogyny
I am extremely fortunate. I met a chap last April. We are still together, and our relationing is evolving. We communicate, share activities,fun and the mundane, he makes me laugh we are vulnerable with eachother, and are able to have deep conversations.We are in each other's lives. We share a really happy fun, loving time together. He is defiitely secure, I am a little anxious in my style but we talk bout that. We are so very fortunate as we are so damn happy....full blendable lifestyles and share wondeful times. By the way I am 70mand he is 73 I wish everyone here could be even half as happy and dancing among the planets as we are!
I love you
Awe... thank you 🙏
👍
🙏
I asked him, "why did you stop sending me hearts and emojis." He said to himself, "she doesn't want stronger feelings." Then, he says to me, "It's your fault." Then, he says, "I just haven't had time." Then, I tell him, let's talk about this, and he says please go sit down with the others, I want you to enjoy yourself."
“Never ever use words, there isn’t one I haven’t heard…” Eliza Doolittle, from “My Fair Lady”.
Yes
I know his family and they love me and I them. Great family.
awe...
Jonathon, many men with dark hair look better with grey hair. It can make them look wise, evolved, super intelligent. One more way in which men age more gracefully than women.
Gotcha...
I don’t think hair color makes any difference. Wisdom is wisdom, looks having nothing to do with personality traits.
@@antihipsterboho 😂I don’t care what you think.
Men do NOT age better than women. What utter BS myth started by the patriarchy! Women take much better care of themselves!
@@glamaz0n Wow! And this is coming from someone giving out unsolicited advice. The irony...
Jonathan, your book has and continues to help me get back to ME whenever I need to. It is a great source of comfort and knowledge. Thank you for providing content that is real, gets to the heart and soul of people and relationships, and gives us hope that some day we will find a "juicy" relationship because we have done the inner and outer work! ❤📚✨🫂
Thank you 🙏