When Narcissists Habitually Criticize
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 ต.ค. 2023
- One primary ingredient you won't experience with a narcissist is encouragement. Their most common "psychological language" is criticism. In their view, you are either making the grade or not. Dr. Les Carter breaks down what's really at stake with their many criticisms, and you can rest assured (contrary to their protests) it says much more about them than about you.
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Criticizing is basically their preferred gaslighting method. Their message: you're the problem here and nothing else. You need me and don't ever forget, you owe me.
*everyone other than them is the problem. If only everyone did as they say (not as they actually do), all the world's problems would be solved.
@@Yarblocosifilitico I agree sir
@@Yarblocosifilitico If I had a dollar for every minute the narcs in my family spent critiquing someone for something they had no clue about or that was none of their business, I'd probably be hiring Elon Musk to do oil changes on my vehicles and bill gates owing my yard.
You never LIVED until you met Cousin Andrea K" CAROL you parted your hair different-- I do not like it!" ( I did not ask her )!
@@thecustodian1023 Love the sense of humor! The ability to step away and laugh is good medicine.
I love how calm and low key you are. It’s like having a father who is trying to tell me that everything is going to be ok. I appreciate your efforts and compassion.
Thank you. For what it's worth, you can have both calmness and firmness at the same time.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you for that.
❤❤❤❤❤
@@SurvivingNarcissismI being fallowing you 😊 for fewest years! 🙏☘🙌☘ and you had READ MY STORY LIFE I BEING THIS RELATIONSHIP FOR 34 YEARS!! HE WON'T LET GO😱 ONE DAY HE HAD TOLD ME WITH OUT ME YOU CAN MAKE IT🤔 THAT CAPTURED MY ATTENTION AND FROM THERE I WAS ANALYZING MY LIFE WITH HIM!! THANK YOU PROFESSOR FOR EDUCATING NOT ONLY ME BUT FOR OUR WORLD ❤😊 NAMASTE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL PEACEFUL SUNDAY 2023🗽🙌🗽👋🦋🦋😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
Meditation can teach you detachment
Most of us let alot of things slide. The narcissist has to comment on EVERYTHING! And its always negative!
So true😮
They can give it! …but they can’t take it!
Truth
They must be the weakest people on earth cause the throw a fit. 😅
@@stevenr6874 😊
That certainly seems to be the case generally, I suppose it depends on a scale we’re they fall. I had some bosses or men I worked with that could handle some push back, but looking back it is just plain and simple. These people are damaged and it gets old playing that abusive game. It’s much easier to have no or little contact with them for sure.
Absolutely 💯
Their immaturity is exhausting to me. I am seeking a new Tribe for a better Vibe. It is slow process.
Great slogan: "New Tribe for a better Vibe"! I am keeping this in mind, thanks!
@@barbarakelly1916 yeah, a good slogan, definitely 👌✌
I like that 👍
Narcissists not only critcize people, but they throw stones at people too as if they're perfect and never make a mistake.
Jesus talked about those people. We don’t want to be them, it will not end well for them.
So true!!!
I live in a glass house, so I don't throw stones 🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374 Reminds me of the movie "The Glass House" where 2 children literally live in a glass house with the murderer of their own parents and they get gaslighted all the time. The girl does not believe all the lies and tries to escape together with her little brother.
@@roxymovie3938 I've not seen that one 😳
Criticizing was something my ex narc did constantly. Most of the time I i just stood by and let him run his mouth, then I'd walk off. I used to get defensive and would argue with him until I realized that's what he wanted. Plus, you'd never win those arguments. He had more conversational twists and turns than a Dallas mixmaster. Some of the things he said still hurt and reverberate through my mind daily. I so wish I'd never met him.
I feel the same way about never meeting him.
If you believe in evil spirits, that's what they possess. My covert narc hub gets drunk, moves things around and later asks, how did this get here? He thinks an 'evil spirit' did it. I'm thinking to myself, you're the only evil spirit here!
Same here.. I ignored it. But it doesn't work. They just ramp it up. It's abusive.
I hear you. I was there as well.
Remember that it was all just projection ❤️🩹 as the child of narcissistic parents & the partner of still more narcissists I’m still learning to turn the criticism around to see what they were so afraid of… either their own weakness or more often my strength & ability 🥰
Narcissists will ignore excellence and genius.
My narcissistic spouse constantly criticizes me and our kids. He never talks with us, he always talks at us. It's caused us to avoid him whenever possible. He's so critical of every one around him, and he acts like a huge bully. He is about as imperfect as you can get, which makes his behavior even more infuriating.
Can you survive financially on your own? What reason do you have to stay? I’m not asking in a judge mental way… just curious
I know what you mean. This adulterous, evil, hypocritical, abusive, alcoholic smoker and womanizer sings for the church I left. He got all that going on while lying on taxes and cutting corners telling people how they should listen to God and do this or that. He thinks he sounds so wise when he is a fraud. I just so happen to pop up at the church to say Happy Pastor Appreciation Month to the Pastor and he was up there singing 🤯🤯🤯🤯 I was indeed infuriated and now it hits me I was the one who found this church. All the years there I tried to get him to come and he refused. He probably felt guilty at one point (living a double life) and started coming saying he turned over a new leaf only to get bored and leave when he didn’t get in good with the Pastor. He idolizes the Pastor because he wants to be one. Once I separated from him I found out a few months later that he was going to my church. Now I know that what he’s done all the relationship. Trying to turn people against me and steal things that were mine for himself. I let him have all mutuals and do not contact but I digress. To your point them still trying to control and talk at you while their house and soul is on fire is the most ridiculous thing. I’m learning to not get angry or shocked anymore. He will have to give an answer one day. They are very weak excuses for men.
Same, complete hypocrites. It’s sickening to the point that I don’t bother responding anymore. It’s not worth it.
Might not like this but you kinda check all the boxes of being the narcissist.
All you did was hear was tell us about your husband and how bad he is lol “as imperfect as you can get”
Ok
@@user-op6hm9tj5x as she should since this is a platform for those who have EXPERIENCED narc abuse and usually have not place else to vent or make sense of the foolery they are in. It's when I read comments like yours that I know there are many more on that spectrum. Comments that lack empathy!
My narc began the day with about 10-12 criticisms. I told him “that’s enough for today. You’d better get your workday started.” Response: “So I’m being dismissed?”
(Yes. You are.)
😂
Constantly placing blame on others because of their own deficiencies.
The worst is when they bury the criticism and it all builds up until they explode in a narcissistic rage. And u are left stunned not knowing what just happened.
Yes, I totally agree with you, this is definitely the worst.
I would always be blindsided by this. My ex would let everything fester in silence while dismissing me and then days, weeks, or months later, he would explode as if he was reacting to something that had just happened at that very moment.
I call it nit picking and like a vulture they peck and peck away at your self esteem little by little until you feel like crap about yourself. What a bunch of a holes!
It started with me having narcissistic parents. Then there was always this crowd at school that had to examine me & point out every little thing about me. Ugh!!! 😤
@@helierhefortuneteller 👌🏼🤝🏻💔🌹
🤝🏻💔😣
@@helierhefortuneteller... yep ~ then I got married at age 32, to my best friend of 12yrs. Wonderful, supportive & understanding guy! That was 33yrs ago that we wed & sadly, his mom a Narci & somehow the 2 of them turned him into Covert Narci. A mean one who thinks he's PERFECT, cuz' his mom kept telling him that he was. I got squeezed out of my own marriage by those 2 & he became SUCH A NARCISSIST!! Total opposite of the wonderful, humble, kind & honest guy he used to be! My life is hell now, at age 64 & no way out.
Can't stand Narcis!!
@@SnarkasticSunny I'm so sorry his 🎭 mask didn't fall off all that time! Definitely hoping your situation gets better.🌷💕
My narc father criticises everyone and everything. Women's clothes, men's and women's haircuts, tattoos, what people do what they don't do. When I break something, he never forgets and goes on and on as if no-one ever makes a mistake apart from me. When he does something it's forgotten immediately. Am sure the criticisms of others are made to wind me up and is a form of baiting. I am learning to not bite & acknowledge to myself that is him not me
my narc mother is the same
That's my Mum 🙃
My father is a narcissist and alcoholic, and criticism was his favorite way of interacting with his children. Unfortunately, I got fleas, and I became critical too. Eventually I learned about narcissistic and addictive behaviors, and I mostly got control of the criticism. I still struggle sometimes, especially with criticizing myself, but it is rare now. Such a relief.
Self reflection and positive personal adjustments are such beautiful traits. I sure hope you are appreciated. 🧘🏼♀️🌷
@@SamSolasdonSaol Thank you for writing that. It is ironic, but what is most important to me at this point is appreciating myself because I was raised to focus on others, to be the family emotional garbage can and support system. I still have fleas to deal with, but I am doing so much better than before. ☮️
Glad things are better for you!
Alcoholism and narcissism go hand in hand! Just like Mac & Cheese! Alcohol ruins everything.
My father was this as well. It's good that you see it & are able to work on it. Thank you for sharing.
Criticizing others is just their "true passion in life", and that's how I don't take it personally if circumstances prevent me from definitively stepping away.
My egg donor told me the other day, when I popped round to pick up a (rare) food parcel from her, that I was lucky she hadn't eaten it herself, that my sister is better than me, and that I'm just like my dad, who she divorced 43 years ago. That's when I started doing some research. Finally, at the age of 58, I've realised my female parent is a vulnerable narcissist. She has always undermined me, criticised me and emotionally neglected me, but suddenly it all makes sense. Subconsciously I have been low contact for many years, but since the last incident I have gone no contact. I am so grateful I found these videos.
You figured it out at about the same age I did... for me, it's 10 years later. I can tell you that if you want you can find an amazing amount of joy! The knowledge that it really isn't a "you" issue, but a "her" problem...it's a delight!
And I'm told that the Christian thing to do is love and pray for them. I don't have to be in relationship with them, though!!!!
So true Dr Les! There is never any discussion, it’s then TELLING you your wrong. They have never made a mistake in their lives, but you have done nothing but!
Once, as a homework, I needed to ask people who know me to list my positive traits. So, I asked my mom. She started to list everything she thinks is wrong with me. So, I had to repeat the homework question. She, this time started to list what I could have been doing that would be better 😂. That was an improvement I’d say… And was a big eye opener for me 😢
That is what I grew up in. If I got a C I should have gotten a B.
I got a B then It should have been an A,
when got an A it should have been an A+,
when it was a A+ I should have had a 4.0 GPA.
I gave up and decided that Ds and Fs were good enough for the level of work I cared to put in.
Just answer the question!
Wow. That is a tough one to take in.
I learned early on in life never to ask what my mother would think of me as a person. And sure enough, as I got older, one day someone who knew me well complimented me in my mother's presence, it just drew a blank look of disbelief on her face.
My pre-cognitive intuition that I was delivered by an unnurturing mother was sadly confirmed.
@@SurvivingNarcissism see, it’s above their heads…! They have nothing to say on that matter. So, they can’t even comprehend the question!
The saddest part is that my “sweet neighbor friend” was there too and she went along with my mom jumping on to the bandwagon of criticizing me. I was thinking that she was liking me and was a good friend. Months later, when I moved out of that neighborhood, she stopped talking to me!
What baffles me is their level of hypocrisy ! Don’t mean to insult the animals but, often I feel like watching the animals in the zoo! 🥺
Good thing, I don’t take these things personally anymore thanks to people like you with all the service to humanity that you provide. I’m in much gratitude to you 🙏🏻✨💖
My dad hates when I ask questions, even if they're necessary or would help someone. So, he turned this into a fault of mine. Constantly criticized when I ask anything. He just wants me to listen, shut up, do what I'm told.
They also don't see their criticism at all. They will deny it. You can do something right 99 times but the one time you make a mistake they'll criticize you for weeks. WEEKS! But to them, it's no big deal.
Yes they expect nothing less than pure obedience and surrender to their will. It really is gross, and a perversion of what parenting is.
I get this. Mine almost ruined my last birthday; I rarely deal with him: I am happy!
There's a lot of these types of people who work in management. You can do really great work, but one mistake, and you're called on the carpet. They treat you like one of their children.
I 100% relate to that whole thing!
Yep. My narc father does that too. He did it to my blessed mother and now that she has died he does it to me. He's about to turn 94 and I wish daily that he won't.
I used to envy my cousin for having been taken in by our grandparents - but they made my mother into what she is. I now see what kind of man my cousin is and I know that I dodged a bullet even tho I got it really bad. I am ashamed of ever laughing at the way my grandfather would tear down my grandmother in front of all the grandkids like a comedy show. I didnt know any better then.
aww man that's sad, and at the time you saw things one way and now it's like how and why he did that to your grandmother? well don't be too hard on yourself, you were young like you said you didn't know better so don't carry that weight. I am sure your grandmother doesn't blame you, If I had a guess, she was just thinking about how insensitive your grandfather was being.
@@priscillacraft4155 I was just really glad to not be the target for once. It never occurred to me he was being abusive. that was my every day from my mom. Ijust thought it was life. GLad to know better now - 💙
When we come from a toxic family we think bad behaviors are normal & we do not know it's abuse because it's been normalized to us.
"You know better and you will do better."
We are all just learning & growing.❤
You are open to knowing better . That is everything.
Criticize when? Only on days ending in “y.”
But other than that...
My heart goes out to all those who have a narcissistic parent, or parents. These people destroy the mental health, well being, and identities of their children. They should not be allowed to have children in a just world.
They are not entitled to you and I hope you do what is best by going no contact. You deserve better than they ever will be.
Funny thing, they're capable of treating the golden child well.🤔
@@helierhefortuneteller perhaps on a surface level, but there is no care for that child’s well being. The golden child is there to make the narcissist feel better about themself. They are still nothing but narcissistic supply to them at the end of it. They only create trauma bonds. Conditional love is not love; it is control.
@@DonkThikkness you're absolutely correct, & I should have said the narc "appears" to......
@@helierhefortunetellerit’s all good, I hope you have a great day, helierhefortuneteller.
This is my opinion of these Nar I don't have to have any dealings with you better for us all no contact is the best method keep your distance
Grieving the loss of my siblings who have followed in our narcissistic father’s footsteps. A narcissistic family system is a powerful force. The blessing of being the scapegoat is being the only one receiving all of the projection. This forced me to go to therapy and heal. I will continue on the path to heal all the trauma my siblings and I endured. They have rejected me and become more abusive now that we are in our fifties. Instead of healing and wanting better than what we came from they are repeating the generational trauma.
There is “strength” in numbers. I hear you and completely relate. My heart goes out to you. Keep healing ❤🙏
That's a sad situation! Often the rejection is because they do not want to (or are afraid to) look at unhealthy dynamics, OR because they are so set in the dysfunctional ways that these seem "normal" and "right". I hope that you can step away politely and peacefully, and continue to enjoy the life you are building for yourself. They are responsible for tending theirs.
I am the family scapegoat. Narcissists will never stop abusing the scapegoat. I had to leave the entire toxic family system behind to save my mental and physical health.
And yet look how often narcissists are the butt of the joke in TV & Movies...
My X Mother in law...the Large an Incharge Narcissist always had a critical comment about everything.
Over time , just listening to her made me realize how inept she was, just can't fix Stupid. Always asking questions with a critical tone. I got to the place where I just ignored her, and she would always repeat herself. I still ignored.....it was the best option because no matter the answer you would give......criticism would ensue .....You just can't fix Stupid!!!! Thanks Dr.C.!!! Hugs for Guss!!😊
they are in fight mode all the time - that sounds very stressfull
My husband habitually criticizes me everyday. It never ends. He blames the coffee I drink is bad for me (it has NO alcohol, just carnation milk) I am allergic to milk so my tummy can tolerate this. He criticizes everything about me. Then later acts like he NEVER stated it. I don't make the grade. I get this feeling I just want to leave everything behind a go start all over. Two loving dogs prevent me from that, especially puppies.
Being constantly criticized erodes one‘s sense of worth and is terrible for emotional, psychological and physical health. Although loving puppies are a delight and a responsibility, isn’t it true that one‘s own health and well-being are the priority? I hope you find a healthy way forward. Best wishes.
Please go before children get into the picture
Why do you value dogs more than your own health and safety?
I had trouble leaving because of my cat. I feel that pain for sure. Please know many women's shelters have spaces for animals now. And many people will gladly take a dog or two for a short while. It won't seem like it because when you are with a narc, it seems like everyone in the world is unkind and unjust. But you ask around enough, and many people will be very happy to help.
Joanna Johnson, I understand completely-2 dogs (1 almost 14), 3 cats (2 attached to me, and pictures, jewelry, etc. from my deceased grandmother. These + being disabled and on his healthcare plan, prevents me from leaving.
Much prayers! 🙏😢💔🙏😢💔
Nail on head, Doc! As always!!
I realized near the end of my relationship that when we were speaking about almost anything, even day to day normal things, she had 3 responses to anything I said. Correcting, condescending, or contrary. EVERYTHING! It wears you down and makes you doubt yourself. And it’s exhausting.
Oh my God!!! YES!!! Always the opposite of anything you think, choose etc
I started referring to my Narc Husband as "Contrary Larry"(not his actual name.😂) because he would criticize or contradict everything said to him and towards others.
With him, not a day goes by that he doesn't have something negative to say about Everything and Everybody.🤦🏻♀️😣💔
@@sparklecanada0112 EXACTLY! It never stops, everything you say they contradict, put down, or just plain suck the life out of. Once you see it for what it is, you can’t unsee it!
No doubt being super nice to their faces.
I've found it ironic that some of those who were criticized and ridiculed the most behind their backs are the staunchest supporters in their smear campaign - unwilling to hear a bad word about the long-suffering saint.
@@Gneiss365 indeed! Her family and any mutual friends we had went dark after I ended the relationship. Smear campaign I’m sure, and expected collateral damage.
I’m just glad I’m free and the fog is lifting every day
I just realize that my mother never had one nice thing to say about anyone. How sad! Yes, she was a narcissist.
This is exactly what I have been experiencing all my life as the scapegoat. My narcissistic family hates it when I accomplish something. They never complimented me, they even demeaned as though I did something wrong when I have shared good things. When I have withdrawn from them they show up months later to start a problem over nothing. They will ask my thoughts on something and then act like my answer was stupid. I think more in a "good-sense" way while they think entirely according to their personal feelings that are based on how they wish to think about me rather than what I actually said or did. They interpret everything about me as negative all the time in everything. They are always judging the smallest matters. I told one of them who challenged my disappearance for a time, that "we just think so different from one another that it's not a good fit for us to be friends. They never stop bullying, its like an addictive bad habit. I feel sorry for them because they are always upset and always angry. They hate that I am happy and steady in my confidence.
Yes, sadly this is so true with my family of origin.
Oh do I hear you. I wish it wasn’t this way. Sometimes families are stuck in a pattern that has been passed on from generations. We did the best we could. ❤️🩹
Fellow scapegoat here, I feel your pain ❤️
@@kaynock1585... I see there are a few of us who grew up in that "dysfunction junction". And narcissism is all around us now -- was more rare back in 70's. Now, seems can hardly walk around in public w/o tripping over them!
I've had this from co-workers who not only judged what I was thinking, but also assigned motives for those thoughts. They didn't ask me what I think first, they just assumed and, in their heads, that became facts to criticize. Much later, I realized that this was part projection, part lies to support their narrative, and part paranoia.
My mother and sister have been my lifelong critics. When I got into my teens/adulthood, I focused on my education, career choices, travel and experiences. Years later, my mum wants to benefit from all my accomplishments, whilst my sister is dedicated to diminishing them. I feel like I've grown leaps and bounds but they are still stuck in the same place. They were way more invested in my downfall than their own progress. So sad.
This was such a crucial topic for me. My 80 year old narcissistic father is constantly moaning, negative and criticises everything, from what I eat, what time I get up, which way I drive to work, how I spend my free time, how much I weigh, how I deal with shit at work, where I get my groceries, how I sit on the sofa (I sit differently to him as I have a bad back) what colour I paint the walls of MY home, my God I could continue on.
I have been the scapegoat and there is absolutely nothing I do that is right. He has an opinion on everything in my life and it’s never positive.
I was no contact for 6 years but stupidly went back and I’m really struggling to spend any time with him now. I dread it actually. I do stick to my boundaries but that just makes him hate me all the more.
I’m not sure I’ll be upset when he dies. And I feel guilty for that.
I didn't care when my mother died as she had already died long long ago.
Don’t feel guilty, it’s not your fault. Feeling sorry for them is enough, then move on. Be well❤️
It is very difficult to accept that a parent can be so constantly toxic to be around but I think that no one has the right to abuse another. Period. What you described sounds like constant bullying and, hard as it is, it sounds like you were happier when you had no contact with him. I hope you can find a way to be yourself and feel joy in that. Best wishes.
@@elayned6147 Thank you 🙏🏻
@@joannahediger7820 Thank you 🙏🏻
It's a pitiful way to live; all of it! Putting other people down just to make yourself feel good. My narc was famous for saying something nice to me and then almost in the same breath put me down or tell me how what I'm doing is never going to work. Personally, I'd rather have had my narc not speak to me at all. How can you talk to anybody anyway when they know it all and nothing you say is of any value?
That's a good question you are asking.
Unfortunately I also have no answer on that.
Yes, the backhanded compliments and non-apologies are infuriating!
Being raised by 2 narcc parents, i do the opposite. My students get enthusiastic support, uplifted, encouragement, praise. I give them confidence to think for themselves, using reason and compassion as the foundation.
I know the pain from abuse so i turn that trauma, sadness, rage, and grief into motivation to better.
My ex was a constant criticizer. When I finally left and had to stop by the house to pick up things, he followed me, criticizing what door I came in, what was I was wearing, anything he could think of. And yes, I paid for 2/3 of the mortgage even though he earned more.
In my absence he had built up all this need to control and he couldn’t stop himself from criticizing and questioning everything I was doing. So glad I don’t have to see him again! It’s like escaping a malevolent, petty, yapping , sometimes threatening and scary overlord.
Yep
Yes they are. It is hard for them to address their shortcomings due to being prideful, arrogant, immature, and they don't want to bruise their ego. Anyone who chooses to function like this whether they have NPD or not don't realize they are only hurting themselves.
Perfect, succinct summary.
Alleged "constructive" criticism is really just DESTRUCTIVE criticism. Just make an EXIT STRATEGY after one too many times
They are full of praise to begin with. Complementary overload in fact. But, lets no get ahead of ourselves. We need bringing in to line and chopping down to size. Throw in some gaslighting confusion to which keeps us in our place!!!
Yes, they have to praise you at the beginning because then your downfall by humiliation and devaluation gives them more emotional supply and feeds them also with sadistic pleasure. And then all the other things you mentioned keep you like in a straitjacket. 🙄 For in fact they need this straitjacket to protect others 😁
Wishing you a sunny ☀️ & peaceful 🕊Sunday 🤗❣
@roxymovie3938 Thank you, Roxy 😊 🙏
I hope you're having a peaceful weekend 🫂❤️
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thank you - I am at work but until now it is quite peaceful😊🤗❣
@@roxymovie3938 🤗🫂💕
@@roxymovie3938They need to turn us into scapegoats and villians so they can play bully, hero and victim all day! 😩
Performance is the best description of their behavior😢
And the Oscar goes to.....🙄
And poor performance! I've left narc and I've learnt to laugh at all the evil pathetic behaviour! God saved me and we have to remember god is more powerful than these miserable evil entities! Prayers that us survivors heal in Jesus Christ's name!👑👑👑👑🙏🙏🙏🙏♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Narcissist's are emotionally immature people who refuse to grow up because that means they would have to be responsible and accountable for any mistakes they make. They throw 2yr old tantrums to get their way anytime they feel challenged and blame you for causing trouble to take the heat off themselves. The child's rhyme "I'm the King of the Castle and you are the dirty rascal" is how the moody, childlike narcissist must think.
You get it.
@@SurvivingNarcissism 🕊🧸🌻
Criticism vs analysis.
_"A critic is a master of imperfection."_
cc. 2005
That made me grin.
Being the daughter of a narc mom, very aestethically obsessive, (but not only that) I can tell you how soul-crashing is living every day having to listen to this constant attack, not only towards yourself, the awful daughter, but also directed towards other people, expecially women. This constant torture is destructive of every single drop of joy you have inside, and yet I managed to save some drops, and I cherish them. Cultivate you inner joy, and humor, and learn to pity their behavior.
Yes..only daughters of cold superficial narc mothers get this 🫂
God Bless You.
Living a similar existence.
@@user-wz4bz2fn6s God bless you too 💌💞
The final discard of the Sociopath wasn't that hurtful anymore because I had already been fed up with so many micro-bullying, which I now can recognize as a street paved with humiliation and devaluation, the path of which can go downhill anyway.
Yes the last ditch effort digs
My narcissistic ex-coworker was like that, he didn’t know when to stop and this included criticism of other people. When you mentioned psychological stench, yeah, that thought came to me too. He looked like he stunk, and his attitude stunk too 😬
I am going through this now
This describes my late stepfather. He minded my personal business all the time instead minding his own business.
My dad is that one. His second wife, the step moron, is his useful idiot flying monkey that goes along with it.
The criticizing and nit-picking is one of the most corrosive and draining things about being around this type of person. Soul sucking.
Like the death eaters in Harry Potter.
this is so my situation with my old mum. when i hear that angry voice it makes me feel terrible i mean it is almost unbearable , yet i feel sorry for her , i have two current defences , silence or anger .
My mother prides herself on the look she gives that drives people away.
I felt so sorry for her and felt it was my job to fix her. You can't make a person trust others.
Visually, my mother at her worst times cannot hide her anger (for lack of a better word). Her mouth and tongue move like she is in the middle of an argument or waiting to assault. I feel as she loses her sight she seems less aware of how she appears.
They'll be the first to say they aren't criticizing. They're "helping you".
Oh my goodness, yes! They're concerned or helping! My mother interferes with everything and is a total pain and extremely critical. If I ever have an opinion that's not glowing about someone she jumps down my throat! 2 faced people.
Sounds exactly like my brother. I learned to ignore his constant and persistent criticisms and lies that he used to cover up his insecurities. But he never stops.
They butter you up because you're toast!
Emotional damage!
My mother is of such kind. Funny thing is, she seems to have internalized the idea that when she constantly criticizes you (by also just projecting), she will get admiration and affection back for it. I finally told her from Proverbs 1:31 to eat the fruit of her own ways and leave me alone.
This is spot on!
I finally decided to refuse to acknowledge any way of speaking to me that isn't cordial and friendly.
There's been enough scolding, criticizing, and verbal abuse to last me a lifetime.
Dear Doc C., I want to share a wonderful moment that happened. I came upon some journaling from 20 years ago. Because of all I have learned about narcissism, suddenly I could validate my long ago feelings! I could see clearly those experiences & finally know what was happening! It felt like deep peace. I can't wait to read some more long ago journals now. It seems that for a scapegoat child, journals do hold you in a safe place, until you are able to reconnect with your lost, harmed self. Very Dear Doctor C., thank you for helping me understand. 🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
That had to be very validating and therapeutic for you! I know you've been figuring this out, and I'm so encouraged for your progress!
Thank you Dr C-I can tell you, there’s not much in life that is more exhausting than truly trying to be your best self just for the sake of being the best person you can be & a blessing to those around you-only to be subjected to a constant barrage of criticism -it’s so discouraging & depleting of all your energy, as I am sure it is meant to be (hi sweet Gus❤)
Remember it’s just their projection & that’s great insight into what they’re really telling you
I've learned so much from TH-cam about narcissism. My mother was terrible, mean and critical. She died over a decade ago and I'm still trying to process her abuse. Now I have to deal with my brother. I do limit my time with him because he's so negative and judging. My brother has stated that my husband isn't too bright LOL. What he means is that he doesn't have a university degree. If he had a degree, my brother would judge him based on which university he attended. Truth of the matter is that my brother does has a degree and a not so great job that doesn't pay well. My husband was (now retired) a well trained professional firefighter who made double the salary of my brother. Can we just stop these petty comparisons and judgements and live life already? We're all happy at our place, then brother comes over to pick us apart. >sigh
Well said...the criticisms start small and infrequent and as time goes on, they just get to be constant. Nothing worse than someone telling that you cut a carrot the wrong way 🤭
YEAH!!!
I was brought up with criticism and put downs, I was told ‘I’m joking, you’re too sensitive, I didn’t mean it the way you interpreted it…’. Criticism was ingrained in me, a social norm.
I made a concerted effort to change my behaviour. I no longer criticise my thinking is if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all. When you’re aware of it you can change it.
It's extremely demoralizing to have a heartless monster as a parent. All you can do is be the change you want to see in the world, be the best person you can be in each moment
The chronic criticisms are the cuts and stings when we say "Death by 10,000..." They slowly cut away our identity and self-worth with their stinging words.
So true!!! 🎯
I grew up knowing so many synonyms for criticism, because my father was always complaining about my female narc parent doing it: backbiting, nitpicking, fault-finding... "Bitching" was a frequent term used.
I was told I was always nagging.
Another is NEGGING which is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and attempt to engender in them a need for the manipulator's approval. The term was coined and prescribed by pickup artists.
@@louisegarner8888revelatory… seems there could be a systemic element to this by corporations especially to their staff. Its a veiled contempt.
@@rubijenn 💯 it's all about control and if they had a healthy internal locus of control they wouldn't need to devalue, minimise, undermine or devalue others.
Nailed it!! & Thank you for the cathartic lesson! -
What do you do when you live w/ them? What are some responses or non-responses to get away from it?
Their constant micro-bullying, competition thru critical 1-up, incessant control attempts thru disdain & then narcissistic rage if you counter their criticism... it's draining, ugly...it's repulsive.
Learn some techniques that Dr C talks about, grey rock is a good one. Basically they want to pull you into their arguments it’s kind of a supply thing. Keep your distance if you can, find other dreams to pursue but don’t explain the details just continue to improve yourself whatever that looks like for you. It is not easy. Find some good like minded friendships. And if you have faith in the Almighty, trust Him as you work through the bumpy bits of life. Shalom
Also very demotivating!
If I don't meet your expectations, please don't expect me. Adios 👋
Thanks again for these videos.
They truly enjoy it. One of the best early red flags! How can we deal with their constant negativity and criticism if it feels oppressive? Grey rock is hard to keep up.
Go no contact
@@charingcross7945 Or a middle step to "no contact"..Be in contact with them less often; be less accessible to them.
Ain’t that the truth, it can get depressing. You have to work on your dreams goals and aspirations for you life, independent of the Narc
I try yellow rock with acquaintances, but I also love deeply family members who are disordered,...very sad. @@barbarakelly1916
Schadenfruede: taking pleasure or joy in other people's misfortune. My narc sister takes it just a little further because she wants to make sure you know that she orchestrated your misfortune. She likes to see suffering but it becomes an extra special treat for her if she knows she is the cause.
It’s always our fault… regardless
Thank you, this video was so reassuring. Im recovering from having my self-esteem almost destroyed. It took a lot of strength to be where I am now but am eternally grateful for going no contact. ❤ much health and self-love to you all
They dont want to talk it out since they have no argument. 😂. I was too invested but when I divested---the way I felt about their whole production became absolutely hilarious. I still stay safe though! I am unaccessible. Its just me, myself and with my laughter. 😂
Being over critical, over correction towards children breaks the child's spirit & if the witnesses weren't so afraid of the Narcissist, they would call 'em out on it.
So true, both my parents were my biggest critics. Horrible to treaty our own kids that way
I remember my narcissistic ex frequently proclaiming that he is shocked that I could be happy just being mediocre.
I know a narcissist who thinks his ongoing monolog is "having a conversation." When I try to contribute something, he acts irritated. The implication is "how dare you interrupt me."
...HOW DARE U HAVE A THOUGHT!!
It's not always criticism. Sometimes it's withholding praise or encouragement, walking around grumpy, slamming doors, making a ruckus early in the morning to wake you up, coming in your room without asking or waiting for a response, not having patience... But yes, being very critical over every step you take such as in cooking or cutting vegetables, it has to be this way, and this way only. They are in fear of being criticised, so they go overboard on you, and if you cut it the right size, then it's not fast enough, or it's how you're standing or holding the knife or anything to make you hyper self-conscience and insecure. You can't be secure, because then they're not needed. They need to be the one giving orders or they feel like they are no longer the boss. Crazy. Sad.
They have all their enablers 💩that are just gullible. Makes me sick !
I noticed a pattern that’s hard for me to believe: criticism begins first thing in the morning. It continues as soon as we both get home from work.
Hard for me to believe, but that’s what’s been happening.
Its a real challenge when the mother criticizes and dominates the father. Then, the father turns to the children for unmet needs (oversharing marital problems, dumping emotions, etc). The father feels humiliated, therefore he humiliates and mocks the scapegoat/confidant for relief.
Or ends up ending himself, like mine did. At least I've learnt the lesson. He didn't use me for emotional regulation, but that left him all alone in the world. Covert narcs are the worst :/
@@YarblocosifiliticoMy heart goes out to you. Suffering in silence takes so much strength. I am very deeply sorry for your loss. ❤️
@@Yarblocosifilitico So sorry!
My father always talked himself down.
🙏💕
Hello Gus .
Woof!
This is how it is in one of my workplaces. And it's off course aimed at me. And this is not about me not beeing able to get feedback or accept critics, it's about me not accepting abuse, overwhelming negativity, controll and a feeling of constantly beeing surveiled. I can see it. I can feel it. Because it happens when I am there. I notice the comments, and they can be well disguised! And even though people around don't/enable or questions the experience I'm having of beeing dictated. I know what I'm experiencing. I know what I'm seeing. And it's difficult for me to see how others don't see....
Siri🌟
It’s frustrating when you see it and other don’t isn’t it?!
Others see, but often turn a blind eye, so as not to become a target. Basically go along to get along.
@@upliftingsounds2300 yes. I think so. And also because it becomes difficult to find someone who understands the frustration. So thank you.
@@Cekatu that may also be the case sometimes.
Exactly Siri! It is crazy making I know, but once we are aware it gets easier. May you find good friends that encourage you in this already difficult world. Jesus said, “ in this world you will have trouble but take heart I have overcome the world”
You and your team help me so much! Thank you, Dr. C.
Great to hear!
I remember one thing in response to my toxic family..."Contructive criticism" ISN'T!
Wow! Did you meet my brother yesterday? Seriously though. This was his way my entire life.
What I find interesting is that the very same qualities that my former manager used to criticize, berate, and shame me for having, my current supervisors will compliment and praise. For example, if I notice something that I feel is unjust or unfair, I will bring it up, while still being professional or respectful. My former manager would either ignore me completely or she would threaten to report me for insubordination. My current bosses will at least take it into consideration. And occasionally, there are moments that are frustrating, but also ridiculous, so I'll make a little joke to ease the tension. My former manager HATED that and would often confront me later (when no one else was around) and have screaming fits! My current supervisors will laugh and say Thank you! We needed a good laugh! We all appreciate that we work for people with a sense of humor. There is such a huge difference in the overall work environment now that I don't have to deal with Critical Control Freaks! And it has been such a blessing for my mental and physical health! Thank you for the ongoing support and information, Dr. C!
I'm happy you have better supervisors now. 💞💕
@@t_nels Yes! Thank you! A better job AND much better supervisors! Hope you're having a great weekend!
The ambushing and screaming intimidation stuff is classic, and not fun at all
They always get you on your own with no witnesses!
@@amandaliverpool3374 Yes, and ppl believe because they seem so nice. Finding her using 'her kids' as a reason she can't have Healthcare was my final straw with her.
Please stay away from narcissists as much as you possibly can
Thanks very much, I feel seen. The truth of my past life is acknowledged. I'm healing and working.
🎯 they'll even call us narcissists 🤔
💯 %facts. What we have to learn is how to respond or not respond to a narcissist. They are everywhere. My suggestion is walk away and pray for their soul and you keeping your sanity from dealing with them.
When do narcissist not criticize😅
When they need something from you, they might for a second forget to criticize you😅
Gus is so cute! Thanks for all the information. What a world we live in.
I had to ban my sister from my car because she would start criticising my driving as soon as i turned the key in the ignition. Then she made jokes about my driving at other times. I had to tell her she was never to mention my driving ever again. No one else has ever had bad things to say about how i drive.
My mother was a constant criticizing narcissist. I heard nothing but complaints my entire life. Unfortunately I find myself doing the very same thing. I hate it and I hate myself. Can't seem to stop it!!
I dreaded long rides with my mother when we would need to go to an appt. She would use this time to criticize my father. Then she probably turned around and said these were my thoughts. Who knows. She really did a number on everyone. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't an perfect. We all have our faults. She just used everything to her advantage.
The last family gathering we had my younger brother couldn't make it cause he was on the road trucking etc ! This was the first time I heard my dad and my sister talking bad about my brother cause he couldn't make it . I thought to myself wow this is how they are when I can't make it to gatherings.
You can learn to stop it. Your awareness that you are doing it is the hardest step, and you have already taken it. Keep going. Own it. When you recognize you have been or are doing it, stop yourself. Ask people you trust to help you stop by letting you know you are being critical. You can learn to focus on yourself. You will feel so much better.
Yes you can. 12 step meetings, all the self help books on the net, the library, videos like this one, comments sections especially, and never, ever stop. It's something to work on every day. Also look into Buddhism. You'd be surprised I think. Don't forget: every day! We all have to work on it.
You can with prayer.
Boy do I relate to this my gosh...thanks for covering this topic. It's so important!
Wow! This is so spot on. Why do they choose this way of life when it could be so much better? I don't understand why they wouldn’t want to thrive.
That’s such a natural and healthy question! I think maybe those who cannot create choose to destroy because of the dark power they feel. Jealousy, rage, hatred, violence all have an attraction to those who for whatever reasons feel unable to feel and share love and make positive connections with others. An eternal question.
Yes it is a question raised by healthy people only and narcissists would not understand it. Criticizing everyone is the way they believe they thrive and it is no use asking them why they behave like that. They are set up like an appliance and if you look at them from a distance, you realise they work like an appliance, there is no surprise, you always know what to expect , an appliance does not choose a way of life, it can't thrive, it can't change, challenge themselves and you don't talk to an appliance.
My elderly mother is like that, she has always been like that. It seems Dr Carter knows her better than me.
These people abuse their power as parents and destroy their children's lives.
Pardon my English, it is not my first language.
@@elisabethledez2081
Well said and great illustration about an appliance!
I tend to error more around them sometimes because there is pressure! Once they are gone, I am fine 😊
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from the Pacific. Seeing someone happy or being kind just gets to them and they have to speak negatively to that person to bring them down and they can continue to control and feel superior. Don't let them know you love something because they will destroy it as soon as they can. Thank you so much for this video Dr. Carter.
This is depressing. True and familiar, but depressing when you’re in a close relationship with someone with NPD.
It can, don’t give up. Find some dreams to pursue, changes you want for you. Keep them close but don’t reveal to many details. Change comes in time slow steps. Trust God if you have faith. Find some good friends that encourage you in your pursuits. Practice forgiveness, move on. Practice some of the techniques Dr C talks about. I know how difficult it can be non of us are perfect but if we learn to practice some of these things we will find joy from time to time in the mids of the trouble. Shalom and blessings
Wow, thank you so much for your thoughtful and considerate reply, I left a comment, not expecting a reply, but it really does help. As it happens, I’m actually a psychologist, although this relationship began when I was newly practicing, and didn’t understand as much about the subject. The more you learn though, and as you start to see yourself in these stories of idealization, devaluation, and discard, on the one hand, it’s helpful to have your feelings and experience is normalized, on the other hand it’s devastating, because a resolution or change is essentially hopeless. So the only choices are radical acceptance, or leaving the relationship, both of which are devastating.
Knowledge is empowerment 🙏
This particular broadcast hits all the key points. When we learn why and how they operate, we can understand and meander through and around...with a healthy attitude.
Dad nitpicks at me. His attitude his problem; I am not dealing with him. "Freedom" for me!
"Beat people into submission... " Holy Toledo, yes. In my experience it was a total compulsion for them. They couldn't speak without criticizing or being a contratarian. Thanks for addressing this, Dr. C.. It was a huge component in the relationship: controlling the narrative, wearing you down to a pulp, and keeping them dominate.
I've always be taught I'm a liar that mouth is going to get you in trouble some day, you have low self esteem. Now only learning No these people were projecting and trying to silence me. I have fire in my belly and I call out people and then yes I feel like crap and think yep I'm definitely part a hole. I should try curb that. Approach things assertively rather than reactively so glad I found this channel I'm learning 🎉
Sounds like gaslighting!
I was doing this and tweaked it. First off observe don't absorb, respond don't react to get a good feel for what's happening from all perspectives. Listen more than talk. Talk in other's interests. Never interrupt, especially when the enemy is making mistakes. Know how to exit conversations in a timely and respectful manner.
Realise you won't win all battles if you want to win the war you'll need to let a few discerningly slip, turn a blind eye to the lesser to allow them room to ahow their true colours and hang themselves here and there. They'll relax and do the work for you if you let them be, others will pick uo the slack and they'll fall in the holes they're busy digging for others all by themselves.
My latest ephiphany is to stop focussing on, reflecting, mirroring, analysing and projecting other's stuff and just focus on bringing more of my whole self calmly and confidently to any interaction. Others come and go, we stay. Use your gut intuition discerningly, it never lies.
Don't take anything personally.
Don't make assumptions.
Be true to your word and walk your talk.
Ask good open ended questions and listen, deeply.
Be sceptical.
Know yourself well. 🗝👂👂💕✌️ Avagooday!
When you turn the tables on them and criticize them, he'll hath no fury, especially for the narcissist with anger issues.
And it's sucks that they always target the most kind hearted people a the dupes.
Thank you dear Dr Carter for the weekly Newsletter. Beautiful autumn day here in Essex UK.
I do apply your DCV (strange words for me, but i know exactly what you mean). I must not feel sorry when emails come from my Narc1 accusing being the victim, and, that we as a family, ostracised her. She cannot say anything pleasant, decent. I won't stand for it anymore but do write my learned wisdom..... I will not let her down if she ASKS for help. She will never go that low. Thanks Dr C for being there.
Thanks, Trudi. Glad to be with you there in Essex.
Thanks for your wisdom on this Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. I always appreciate your tune ups. I think with God’s grace and mercy, and your help we are all each day starting to get this thing! Shalom Dr C. I give thanks in remembrance of you.
Thanks, MasterDave. Shalom.