my husband and wrote a guest listed about seven different times. some lists we did as a couple, and some individually. one or two we put a time limit e.g. 10 minutes to put the list together. one was based on cost. one was focusing on who shaped our relationship. each time we made a list we wouldnt look at any previous and i added it to a notebook. at the end of this excerise, which was a month later, we looked at all the lists and see who popped up every time (our core), who showed up in most (b list) and who showed up rarely (those we cut). This allowed us to go from 110 to 40 people.
I think another layer to the “would you pay $100 for their meal” statement would be “would you pay $100 for their meal - knowing you only get 5 minutes with them”.
My advice is if you’re having a small wedding guest list or know some people will be expecting an invitation who aren’t invited is not to post your engagement on social media or any wedding stuff until after you’ve gotten married. I posted when I got engaged (because I was so excited!) and that prompted tons of people to come out of the woodwork who I hadn’t spoken to in quite a while or family members we don’t see very much to call my parents asking when their save the date is coming. I expressed to some friends this regret and they took my advice. She reported that it was definitely less drama. Once she did post her wedding photos, there were only one or two people who reached out to her wondering why they weren’t invited. Everyone else simply congratulated her and moved on. They probably saw that it was a small wedding and weren’t bothered.
My fiance and I are paying for our wedding, so luckily we were the ones in charge of making the guest list. However we did have some "Must invite"s from family members. Anyway, we started with making a must have list (Who would absolutely have to be there if we had a micro wedding 50 or less). Then we made an unlimited list (Who would we invite if we could invite everyone we wanted). Once we got our 2 numbers we looked around or asked for quotes for both numbers on things like venues, food, etc. to see what price best fit our budget. We ended up noticing that most places had a food & beverage or guest count minimum and decided that if we were going to pay for a certain amount of people, then we should at least invite that many people to get our moneys worth. In other words, our must have list was under 50, but would be paying for about 70+ guests at most places, so with our unlimited list being about 200 people, we agreed on inviting about 100 guests. This actually worked out great because it fit our budget, the venue fits 100 guests (So a clear cut off & excuse to why we couldn't invite more), and it gave us each the opportunity to pick 20-30 people (40-60 total) off our unlimited list. This was also super helpful for explaining to family or others who weren't invited because by showing the two numbers and having a venue with a cut off, it appeared as "proof" to why they weren't invited over them saying "we don't want them there". Overall allowing us each to feel like the majority of people we invited was chosen and not "because we have to" mindset. Hope this helps some of ya'll!
And just as a side note, I am a little jealous of those who had their wedding during the pandemic because they had a true excuse to have a really small guest count. I also totally understand why couples elope! Guest lists and weddings can be super stressful!
We are doing a micromony at the church at 10am for family and close friends and then a meet up at a brewery later evening for his military buddies. We had to choose between 25 people or 350 at the actual ceremony, we chose 25.
I decided on a courthouse wedding with no guests because I can't stand the idea of having my dad's girlfriend at my wedding. I can't invite him and not invite her so I just told my boyfriend that we would get married the same way his parents did, courthouse Friday afternoon and back to work on Monday. His parents stayed together a lot longer than mine did.
Arrgh! We are having a private cereminy but my family is HUGE (and close, and very loving) but 17 of our 66 guests are children! I might try to negotiate cheaper for kids meals?!
Is it tacky to keep the ceremony and dinner to family only and then invite friends for drinks & dancing after? I remember as a kid often showing up to just the reception with my parents.
So im in a pickle... my finace and I were originally getting married this year and had planned on a very small wedding so we had a larger engagement party, I had some health issues so we pushed back to next year. During the engagement party I noticed half my family didn't talk with my finace or his family. I know that typically the people who are at your engagement party go to your wedding. I feel stressed on this. They acted like it was a family reunion instead of about us getting married. My finace has a very small family and my parents are both deceased so having family there is important but I also don't know what to do... please help.
That’s up to your own expectations not the expectations of others. His day is about the two of you not the expectations of others. You can’t make everyone happy so just make your list. Inviting people to my first wedding that I didn’t even have much of a relationship is my regret now. This time I’m going to set boundaries.
This was right on time! I did have a question- what do you do if there’s someone you’re not comfortable with but they’re your fiancé’s good friend and your fiancé is stating that this person is a non-negotiable? We haven’t set the date as of yet, (we kind of know when we want to get married, next year or the year after), but this person & I have not had a good rapport with, but they are one of my fiancé’s good friends. Every time I think of just letting it go and letting them come, I get really anxious and just don’t feel settled by it. I know we are going to have to have this conversation again once the dates are actually set in stone, but how do you handle that? How do you have that difficult conversation without it turning into an argument or ultimatum?
I think it depends. How uncomfortable are we talking, here? Are they someone you just don't get along with? Are they a raging alcoholic and they don't know how to practice self-control with alcohol? Have they tried to hit on you or grab at you? I think if it were me, how I approach the situation might depend on what level they make me uncomfortable. Like, if the friend is trying to hit on me and grab at me, and I tell my fiancé, but they don't care. Relationship over. I need a man who will defend me in those situations. Because if my man isn't sticking up for me in those situations that's a HUGE red flag. If it's just someone I don't get along with.. would I want them to be there? No. But, I might invite them but just avoid them as much as possible. If they're a raging alcoholic, I wouldn't want them to be there, especially if i didn't get along with them even when they're sober. And if my fiancé can't accept that, it might also be a huge red flag in our relationship I would need to examine.
@@valerielinares2068 thank you so much for answering my question! I have not really gotten along with this person since the beginning of our relationship. They haven’t been violent or really mean, but these last couple of encounters haven’t been good. One of the encounters that we had, she didn’t speak to me and made two sly comments that I dismissed. However, the last two things was after we got engaged, she sent my fiancé and I a long group message “congratulating” us at the beginning, but yet the bulk of the message was geared toward him about her apologizing that their friendship wasn’t in a good place, and it saddens her because he was by her side at her wedding (which I was not invited to) and how when she reflects back on her wedding and thinks about our upcoming wedding, it makes her sad that that’s where her friendship is with him bc haven’t been talking much, etc. etc. She told him in the message that she loves him and will always love him and that she was just him nothing but the best. honestly, it felt less like a congratulations because she only said it at the beginning, and then spent the whole paragraph talking about him and her friendship, she addressed me about sorry we couldn’t be close friends, and that she’s here if “you need it or want it” and then, at the end, she said, congratulations again. The last incident that happened was that I guess he wound up talking to her and said they talked everything out, but when he came back to me to tell me what they talked about, he said that during the conversation, she pointed out to him how I haven’t reached out to her And how she’s been doing this and I haven’t been doing that, and she tried to lie and say that she texted me and I never responded… Which I showed him the message. We kind of got into an argument because I told him that I should not feel like I have to defend myself to you about her… and most importantly, why is she talking about me to you, and why are you coming back to me questioning me about why I haven’t reached out to her and what have I done for her. I also shared with him that I wanted people to be at our wedding that genuinely loved both of us and we’re happy for both of us, and that if there’s somebody that I want to invite that you are genuinely uncomfortable, then I would have that difficult conversation with them about them not coming, because it’s about us becoming one. To my knowledge, I have never made her feel uncomfortable or unwelcome, but that is how I have always felt around her. Now mind you she’s not my friend and she necessarily never has really been that welcoming to me and I always felt there was a weird vibe. I know that there’s some people you’re just not gonna deal gel with which is OK, but after these last three incidents, I don’t feel comfortable. He has known for years that I have not felt comfortable around her, and never forced the issue of me hanging out with her anymore (I did hang out with her when we first started dating), I never discouraged him from hanging out with her and her husband, but I would always tell him that I would not feel comfortable around her because I just felt this weird vibe or tension, and I didn’t wanna put my self in a space or place where I genuinely did not feel welcomed, I felt extremely uncomfortable, as that would probably ruin the mood, and I did not want to do that. I know it may not be relevant, but he did tell me when we first started dating that he and her did date, but it was for a month . of course, it made me feel uncomfortable, but it’s really these last few incidents that really bothered me. I apologize for the long message.
Are vendors typically included as a part of the guest list count? We want to invite the officiant, wedding ceremony/cocktail hour band, dj, photographers and day of coordinator.
Most venues would count them if you are feeding them so best to check with the venue and inquire about vendor meals as a separate thing if you don’t want them included in your guest number
Guests only count as far as to sit down and get a chair pretty much. I am a event coordinator. Usually everyone will include extra food for the vendors. We do 16 hour shifts and we usually eat if they allow us to eat from the same food. We use disposable plates though. And we are very thankful 😊
My fiance's family has SEVERAL people who have been generally awful to both of us. If I had final say almost none of them would be invited. Any thoughts on navigating this situation? My fiance would like to invite more of them than I would more out of him feeling obligated rather than actually wanting them there.
There are cousins I’m not close to that I don’t want to invite, yet my whole family will notice and think I’m shunning those people I’m not inviting when I’m not. I don’t know some of my first cousins that well and I don’t feel comfortable having them there. What should I do? I have the same issue with some of my siblings. We get along, but they are teens and younger and I don’t feel comfortable inviting them. Thoughts would be appreciated, thank you! :)
What if you and your partner are splitting the cost and together decided the number of guests based on the budget. After regrouping to share lists, your partner has more than the agreed amount and refuses to cut. You don't want to increase your budget for your own loved ones, let alone your partner's. Is it okay to say they'll just have to pay for their own guests beyond the agreed amount?
I am watching this video because I don’t want to disappoint my cousins and should I consider having a wedding close to my cousin or stay local where I am . Thinking about staying local . But I still want my cousins to be apart of this should I cut my guest list it will be hard for travel wise Jamie wolfer
One of the easiest way to cut your guest list... Consider not reminding people what the deadline for the RSVP is. Half of the people are going to forget about it. But you risk that the half that forgets about RSVPing is the half of the guest list that you want at the wedding so... whoops!
Sensitive subject. Trigger warning for parent passing away. I need other people’s opinions. My mum passed away last year on the day i went in to be induced with my fourth baby and my uncle found her at home after me asking him to go and tell her i was having my baby. An hour later my brother went around to her house and my uncle and aunties and cousins were all routing under her couch and behind radiators etc. for money(she was an alcoholic and hid her money around the house, everyone knew this) while my mum was still there in the room that they were searching. Would you invite them to your wedding? I really dont feel comfortable having them there after that but i know my mum would have wanted them there 😢 i need honest opinions please im so torn on what to do. Thank you.
We only invited people that have been in our lives in the duration of us being a couple and close family. No cousins we don't really talk to or coworkers just because.
We've invited 91...and our venue holds 60...I'm absolutely terrified enough people WON'T come...but then I'm terrified if I invite 60 people then we won't have enough guests to make it feel like a party! Argh!
I can relate! We are planning our wedding in less than 3 months with a limit of 50 people and since it’s such short notice the number is getting lower and lower 😅
Thank you for responding. I’m trying to plan now and the venue we love holds 50 but we have a list of about 75. If everyone says yes, we will have to upgrade to the bigger venue which is way too big. Then we will need more “stuff” to take up space. You have given me hope.
I met my boyfriend’s mom on her wedding day. 🩷 So sweet of her to include me bc I definitely see why I could have been excluded. Made sure to send her a nice gift!
my husband and wrote a guest listed about seven different times. some lists we did as a couple, and some individually. one or two we put a time limit e.g. 10 minutes to put the list together. one was based on cost. one was focusing on who shaped our relationship. each time we made a list we wouldnt look at any previous and i added it to a notebook. at the end of this excerise, which was a month later, we looked at all the lists and see who popped up every time (our core), who showed up in most (b list) and who showed up rarely (those we cut). This allowed us to go from 110 to 40 people.
Love this!
This is genius
I think another layer to the “would you pay $100 for their meal” statement would be “would you pay $100 for their meal - knowing you only get 5 minutes with them”.
My advice is if you’re having a small wedding guest list or know some people will be expecting an invitation who aren’t invited is not to post your engagement on social media or any wedding stuff until after you’ve gotten married. I posted when I got engaged (because I was so excited!) and that prompted tons of people to come out of the woodwork who I hadn’t spoken to in quite a while or family members we don’t see very much to call my parents asking when their save the date is coming. I expressed to some friends this regret and they took my advice. She reported that it was definitely less drama. Once she did post her wedding photos, there were only one or two people who reached out to her wondering why they weren’t invited. Everyone else simply congratulated her and moved on. They probably saw that it was a small wedding and weren’t bothered.
Tip #8: if they missed the rsvp deadline after several reminders… cut cut cut lol
My fiance and I are paying for our wedding, so luckily we were the ones in charge of making the guest list. However we did have some "Must invite"s from family members. Anyway, we started with making a must have list (Who would absolutely have to be there if we had a micro wedding 50 or less). Then we made an unlimited list (Who would we invite if we could invite everyone we wanted). Once we got our 2 numbers we looked around or asked for quotes for both numbers on things like venues, food, etc. to see what price best fit our budget. We ended up noticing that most places had a food & beverage or guest count minimum and decided that if we were going to pay for a certain amount of people, then we should at least invite that many people to get our moneys worth. In other words, our must have list was under 50, but would be paying for about 70+ guests at most places, so with our unlimited list being about 200 people, we agreed on inviting about 100 guests. This actually worked out great because it fit our budget, the venue fits 100 guests (So a clear cut off & excuse to why we couldn't invite more), and it gave us each the opportunity to pick 20-30 people (40-60 total) off our unlimited list. This was also super helpful for explaining to family or others who weren't invited because by showing the two numbers and having a venue with a cut off, it appeared as "proof" to why they weren't invited over them saying "we don't want them there". Overall allowing us each to feel like the majority of people we invited was chosen and not "because we have to" mindset. Hope this helps some of ya'll!
And just as a side note, I am a little jealous of those who had their wedding during the pandemic because they had a true excuse to have a really small guest count. I also totally understand why couples elope! Guest lists and weddings can be super stressful!
We are doing a micromony at the church at 10am for family and close friends and then a meet up at a brewery later evening for his military buddies. We had to choose between 25 people or 350 at the actual ceremony, we chose 25.
The A-list for wedding guests..lol. Funny but seems effective!
I decided on a courthouse wedding with no guests because I can't stand the idea of having my dad's girlfriend at my wedding. I can't invite him and not invite her so I just told my boyfriend that we would get married the same way his parents did, courthouse Friday afternoon and back to work on Monday. His parents stayed together a lot longer than mine did.
For us, at about $300 per person made it VERY easy to not include everyone and not feel bad about it whatsoever.
I'm letting my dream venue determine my guest list.
Arrgh! We are having a private cereminy but my family is HUGE (and close, and very loving) but 17 of our 66 guests are children! I might try to negotiate cheaper for kids meals?!
Is it tacky to keep the ceremony and dinner to family only and then invite friends for drinks & dancing after? I remember as a kid often showing up to just the reception with my parents.
So im in a pickle... my finace and I were originally getting married this year and had planned on a very small wedding so we had a larger engagement party, I had some health issues so we pushed back to next year. During the engagement party I noticed half my family didn't talk with my finace or his family. I know that typically the people who are at your engagement party go to your wedding. I feel stressed on this. They acted like it was a family reunion instead of about us getting married. My finace has a very small family and my parents are both deceased so having family there is important but I also don't know what to do... please help.
That’s up to your own expectations not the expectations of others. His day is about the two of you not the expectations of others. You can’t make everyone happy so just make your list. Inviting people to my first wedding that I didn’t even have much of a relationship is my regret now. This time I’m going to set boundaries.
This was right on time! I did have a question- what do you do if there’s someone you’re not comfortable with but they’re your fiancé’s good friend and your fiancé is stating that this person is a non-negotiable? We haven’t set the date as of yet, (we kind of know when we want to get married, next year or the year after), but this person & I have not had a good rapport with, but they are one of my fiancé’s good friends. Every time I think of just letting it go and letting them come, I get really anxious and just don’t feel settled by it. I know we are going to have to have this conversation again once the dates are actually set in stone, but how do you handle that? How do you have that difficult conversation without it turning into an argument or ultimatum?
I think it depends. How uncomfortable are we talking, here? Are they someone you just don't get along with? Are they a raging alcoholic and they don't know how to practice self-control with alcohol? Have they tried to hit on you or grab at you?
I think if it were me, how I approach the situation might depend on what level they make me uncomfortable. Like, if the friend is trying to hit on me and grab at me, and I tell my fiancé, but they don't care. Relationship over. I need a man who will defend me in those situations. Because if my man isn't sticking up for me in those situations that's a HUGE red flag. If it's just someone I don't get along with.. would I want them to be there? No. But, I might invite them but just avoid them as much as possible. If they're a raging alcoholic, I wouldn't want them to be there, especially if i didn't get along with them even when they're sober. And if my fiancé can't accept that, it might also be a huge red flag in our relationship I would need to examine.
@@valerielinares2068 thank you so much for answering my question! I have not really gotten along with this person since the beginning of our relationship. They haven’t been violent or really mean, but these last couple of encounters haven’t been good.
One of the encounters that we had, she didn’t speak to me and made two sly comments that I dismissed. However, the last two things was after we got engaged, she sent my fiancé and I a long group message “congratulating” us at the beginning, but yet the bulk of the message was geared toward him about her apologizing that their friendship wasn’t in a good place, and it saddens her because he was by her side at her wedding (which I was not invited to) and how when she reflects back on her wedding and thinks about our upcoming wedding, it makes her sad that that’s where her friendship is with him bc haven’t been talking much, etc. etc. She told him in the message that she loves him and will always love him and that she was just him nothing but the best.
honestly, it felt less like a congratulations because she only said it at the beginning, and then spent the whole paragraph talking about him and her friendship, she addressed me about sorry we couldn’t be close friends, and that she’s here if “you need it or want it” and then, at the end, she said, congratulations again.
The last incident that happened was that I guess he wound up talking to her and said they talked everything out, but when he came back to me to tell me what they talked about, he said that during the conversation, she pointed out to him how I haven’t reached out to her And how she’s been doing this and I haven’t been doing that, and she tried to lie and say that she texted me and I never responded… Which I showed him the message. We kind of got into an argument because I told him that I should not feel like I have to defend myself to you about her… and most importantly, why is she talking about me to you, and why are you coming back to me questioning me about why I haven’t reached out to her and what have I done for her. I also shared with him that I wanted people to be at our wedding that genuinely loved both of us and we’re happy for both of us, and that if there’s somebody that I want to invite that you are genuinely uncomfortable, then I would have that difficult conversation with them about them not coming, because it’s about us becoming one. To my knowledge, I have never made her feel uncomfortable or unwelcome, but that is how I have always felt around her.
Now mind you she’s not my friend and she necessarily never has really been that welcoming to me and I always felt there was a weird vibe. I know that there’s some people you’re just not gonna deal gel with which is OK, but after these last three incidents, I don’t feel comfortable. He has known for years that I have not felt comfortable around her, and never forced the issue of me hanging out with her anymore (I did hang out with her when we first started dating), I never discouraged him from hanging out with her and her husband, but I would always tell him that I would not feel comfortable around her because I just felt this weird vibe or tension, and I didn’t wanna put my self in a space or place where I genuinely did not feel welcomed, I felt extremely uncomfortable, as that would probably ruin the mood, and I did not want to do that.
I know it may not be relevant, but he did tell me when we first started dating that he and her did date, but it was for a month . of course, it made me feel uncomfortable, but it’s really these last few incidents that really bothered me. I apologize for the long message.
Are vendors typically included as a part of the guest list count? We want to invite the officiant, wedding ceremony/cocktail hour band, dj, photographers and day of coordinator.
Most venues would count them if you are feeding them so best to check with the venue and inquire about vendor meals as a separate thing if you don’t want them included in your guest number
Ooohhh good question I didn't think of this!
Guests only count as far as to sit down and get a chair pretty much. I am a event coordinator. Usually everyone will include extra food for the vendors. We do 16 hour shifts and we usually eat if they allow us to eat from the same food. We use disposable plates though. And we are very thankful 😊
My fiance's family has SEVERAL people who have been generally awful to both of us. If I had final say almost none of them would be invited. Any thoughts on navigating this situation? My fiance would like to invite more of them than I would more out of him feeling obligated rather than actually wanting them there.
There are cousins I’m not close to that I don’t want to invite, yet my whole family will notice and think I’m shunning those people I’m not inviting when I’m not. I don’t know some of my first cousins that well and I don’t feel comfortable having them there. What should I do? I have the same issue with some of my siblings. We get along, but they are teens and younger and I don’t feel comfortable inviting them. Thoughts would be appreciated, thank you! :)
What if you and your partner are splitting the cost and together decided the number of guests based on the budget. After regrouping to share lists, your partner has more than the agreed amount and refuses to cut. You don't want to increase your budget for your own loved ones, let alone your partner's.
Is it okay to say they'll just have to pay for their own guests beyond the agreed amount?
I am watching this video because I don’t want to disappoint my cousins and should I consider having a wedding close to my cousin or stay local where I am . Thinking about staying local . But I still want my cousins to be apart of this should I cut my guest list it will be hard for travel wise Jamie wolfer
One of the easiest way to cut your guest list... Consider not reminding people what the deadline for the RSVP is. Half of the people are going to forget about it. But you risk that the half that forgets about RSVPing is the half of the guest list that you want at the wedding so... whoops!
I think it's pretty unrealistic to think guests will not bring a plus 1. I would plan that all singles are bringing a plus 1.
Best way to cut guests from your guest list: get married during a global pandemic 😂
Sensitive subject. Trigger warning for parent passing away.
I need other people’s opinions. My mum passed away last year on the day i went in to be induced with my fourth baby and my uncle found her at home after me asking him to go and tell her i was having my baby. An hour later my brother went around to her house and my uncle and aunties and cousins were all routing under her couch and behind radiators etc. for money(she was an alcoholic and hid her money around the house, everyone knew this) while my mum was still there in the room that they were searching. Would you invite them to your wedding? I really dont feel comfortable having them there after that but i know my mum would have wanted them there 😢 i need honest opinions please im so torn on what to do. Thank you.
If you don’t feel comfortable don’t do it.There are other ways to honour your mother on the day
@@La_belleT yeah i suppose you’re right, thankyou for replying x
@@beckielivingstone9642 wishing you all the best x
We only invited people that have been in our lives in the duration of us being a couple and close family. No cousins we don't really talk to or coworkers just because.
We've invited 91...and our venue holds 60...I'm absolutely terrified enough people WON'T come...but then I'm terrified if I invite 60 people then we won't have enough guests to make it feel like a party! Argh!
I can relate! We are planning our wedding in less than 3 months with a limit of 50 people and since it’s such short notice the number is getting lower and lower 😅
I’m interested to know, what was the outcome?
@@nanao.3101 54 people total came including us :) thank god not all 60 showed up because 54 was tight.
Thank you for responding. I’m trying to plan now and the venue we love holds 50 but we have a list of about 75. If everyone says yes, we will have to upgrade to the bigger venue which is way too big. Then we will need more “stuff” to take up space. You have given me hope.
@@nanao.3101 I'd say keep ur venue...we had a massive balcony for the dance floor and a side room for the photo booth so it depends on the extras...
I met my boyfriend’s mom on her wedding day. 🩷 So sweet of her to include me bc I definitely see why I could have been excluded. Made sure to send her a nice gift!