This is what my husband and I are going thru now. My husband lost his job 2 months ago and since then ive been working full time plus more, coming home and taking care of our 6 year old daughter, to a messy house that nothing is done at. My job is stressful, and then I come home and I have to worry about the house, the laundry, cooking dinner (he doesn't know how to cook) and also I'm a student taking two classes right now on top of work. I feel like my attempts to civilly discuss this completely one-sided situation, but each time I was dismissed. Now its gotten to the point where im doing everything, including trying to overcome what looks to me like contempt. For him abandoning his responsibilities, dismissing my needs as selfish via gaslighting and denial. Overcoming the contempt is such a struggle.
Thank you so much for sharing. That's extremely exhausting and a very delicate situation to navigate especially when you're in the thick of it. Contempt is all about the approach of an argument and the delivery with your partner. Here's an article that goes over how to structure conversations in a healthier way that will help lead to different outcome over timing. Check it out here: www.choosingtherapy.com/structured-conversations/
Thanks for your comment. Personality disorders in a relationship can make things a little trickier to navigate! Here's an article we published on contempt that you might find helpful: www.choosingtherapy.com/contempt-in-relationships/
What if after 20+ yrs, it’s become apparent that my partner is a high-functioning malignant narcissist. That throughout our years together the micro-disrespect that I was feeling was real. That when confronted with my feelings (w/specific instances stressed), his three responses were, first: “I never did that/or said that”, second (when I gave specific instances), “If I did do that, I didn’t mean to”, & third (worst of all): “Well, it wasn’t that big of a deal”. Not one instance of, “I’m sorry my actions/words caused you to feel that way”. Our situation is HIGHLY unusual. When we first met, he lured me in by lifting me up & encouraging me to be all that I could be. I went back to college & got my degree at 35 at his urging (he’s 20 years my senior). Then the power dynamic shifted & he refused to acknowledge who I was in our relationship. He even had the nerve to shush me in public when my comments were not only relevant they were necessary. My contempt for him grows daily but our lives are inextricably linked because of the business I started. It’s like he’s clueless.
Ive just got an orsteoarthritis diagnosis in my knee and Im a bit of a bore analysing how bad my knee is from day to day and being unable to do the daily routines that we have stuck to for years but which seem much less important to me - now they can be so hard to keep to ( Im 69. Im.trying to do my exercises and avoid going up and down stairs all the time and there is continual pain. Im going to counseling but Im appalled by the eyerolling and sarcasm I face if I tell him how much my knee hurts ... Its more painful that the knee. I feel he is contemptuous ...after meeting 50 years ago... and 47 years of marriage. I must be annoying yes ....but I try not to be and I'm still adjusting
This may sound silly but I think my wife showed contempt yesterday at a dinnerparty. I accidentely dropped noodles because im clumsy with chopsticks as a white man. She was embarrassed and put her head in her arms to show to the group that Im stupid. The group just sort of giggled. Is that contempt? It felt like she wanted to show the group: Im not part of this loser....
Hi there! Thank you for sharing. Contempt can include mocking or mean humor toward your spouse. You can read more about contempt here in an article we published: www.choosingtherapy.com/contempt-in-relationships/
It sounds like your relationship is not good. At the being of your relationship, would you just have laughed at yourself and her reaction? I’m guessing yes.
This is what my husband and I are going thru now. My husband lost his job 2 months ago and since then ive been working full time plus more, coming home and taking care of our 6 year old daughter, to a messy house that nothing is done at. My job is stressful, and then I come home and I have to worry about the house, the laundry, cooking dinner (he doesn't know how to cook) and also I'm a student taking two classes right now on top of work. I feel like my attempts to civilly discuss this completely one-sided situation, but each time I was dismissed. Now its gotten to the point where im doing everything, including trying to overcome what looks to me like contempt. For him abandoning his responsibilities, dismissing my needs as selfish via gaslighting and denial. Overcoming the contempt is such a struggle.
Thank you so much for sharing. That's extremely exhausting and a very delicate situation to navigate especially when you're in the thick of it.
Contempt is all about the approach of an argument and the delivery with your partner. Here's an article that goes over how to structure conversations in a healthier way that will help lead to different outcome over timing.
Check it out here: www.choosingtherapy.com/structured-conversations/
I read this exact example on google today
Great advice when personality disorders aren't a factor
Thanks for your comment. Personality disorders in a relationship can make things a little trickier to navigate! Here's an article we published on contempt that you might find helpful: www.choosingtherapy.com/contempt-in-relationships/
Having a personality disorder doesn't negate poor behaviour and responses
What if after 20+ yrs, it’s become apparent that my partner is a high-functioning malignant narcissist. That throughout our years together the micro-disrespect that I was feeling was real. That when confronted with my feelings (w/specific instances stressed), his three responses were, first: “I never did that/or said that”, second (when I gave specific instances), “If I did do that, I didn’t mean to”, & third (worst of all): “Well, it wasn’t that big of a deal”. Not one instance of, “I’m sorry my actions/words caused you to feel that way”. Our situation is HIGHLY unusual. When we first met, he lured me in by lifting me up & encouraging me to be all that I could be. I went back to college & got my degree at 35 at his urging (he’s 20 years my senior). Then the power dynamic shifted & he refused to acknowledge who I was in our relationship. He even had the nerve to shush me in public when my comments were not only relevant they were necessary. My contempt for him grows daily but our lives are inextricably linked because of the business I started. It’s like he’s clueless.
Ive just got an orsteoarthritis diagnosis in my knee and Im a bit of a bore analysing how bad my knee is from day to day and being unable to do the daily routines that we have stuck to for years but which seem much less important to me - now they can be so hard to keep to ( Im 69. Im.trying to do my exercises and avoid going up and down stairs all the time and there is continual pain. Im going to counseling but Im appalled by the eyerolling and sarcasm I face if I tell him how much my knee hurts ... Its more painful that the knee. I feel he is contemptuous ...after meeting 50 years ago... and 47 years of marriage. I must be annoying yes ....but I try not to be and I'm still adjusting
This may sound silly but I think my wife showed contempt yesterday at a dinnerparty. I accidentely dropped noodles because im clumsy with chopsticks as a white man. She was embarrassed and put her head in her arms to show to the group that Im stupid. The group just sort of giggled. Is that contempt? It felt like she wanted to show the group: Im not part of this loser....
Hi there! Thank you for sharing. Contempt can include mocking or mean humor toward your spouse. You can read more about contempt here in an article we published: www.choosingtherapy.com/contempt-in-relationships/
Yes it is
It sounds like your relationship is not good. At the being of your relationship, would you just have laughed at yourself and her reaction? I’m guessing yes.
Yes Johnny
Your wife doesn't love you. Married the wrong person