Guilt Leaving Narcissistic Family
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 ก.ย. 2024
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Thursday, August 12 2021 8/12/21
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#narcissist #borderline #npd #bpd #ptsd #cptsd #healing #narcabuse #personalitydisorder
I GREW UP IN ONE OF THESE HOUSEHOLDS. I DIDNT KNOW I HAD WANTS, NEEDS, FEELINGS, ETC TIL MY MID 30S. I NEVER KNEW WHAT LOVE WAS LET ALONE SELF LOVE. I WAS ALWAS CRAPPED OVER BY FRIENDS, LOVERS, ETC. I DIDNT HAVE BOUNDARIES. MOW THEY ARE ALL GONE CAUSE I NOW KNOW MY WORTH AND WONT TOLERATE SUCH BS. PEACE AND BLESSINGS TO ALL.
That is self love and its beautiful, thank you for sharing Kimberly!
Same
This was a very beautiful video. Very healing and honestly emotional to just hear such a soft and gentle confirmation that we are not selfish for choosing to escape that hurtful environment and head toward the path of healing. Thank you very much for making this video! It helped me a lot in my current situation as I'm currently making the choice to relocate and leave that environment.
Thank you David, putting myself first has been a challenge. You let me know that's it's ok and healthy to do that. 2 toxic sisters that I see clearly. My mental health will come first from now on!!
And you will be successful Cynthia, enjoy your life and thank you very much!
I clicked on this b/c I went through it when I left. I was groomed to feel responsible for everyone, especially my parents. They are in thier 60's so I did have alot of mental back and forth about what's going to happen to them if they need help, if dad retires, etc? There was alot of narcissism/codependency amongst my relatives so my dad treated me like his surrogate wife and made me feel like he expected me to always stay around for him or live with me, which he blatantly asked to do before after I "made it". Right before I left, he asked so many nosy questions about where I was moving, if there was an extra room, and began even making plans of how he could stay when he chose. I had to stop him and tell him that he's not moving in and that I needed space. I moved out later in my adulthood so I wasn't interested in having him come and invade my new space, especially as broken as I was when I left.
B/c of these expectations from he and assuming role as caretaker through the years, I felt guilty for a while, even though I had had enough of being the family punching bag and otherwise toxicity. I felt guilty if I didn't answer my mom's repeated calls and oversteps to my boundaries. My heart would race if I'd see either of my parents names light up my phone. My sister, who had always been abusive and horrible to me would text to try and see what I was doing. I even prayed on it and even God advised me to "Let go", as He said I was deserving of a good life too. I went from sporadic answers to calls and texts to complete no contact months after my relocation for my own wellbeing. Eventually the guilt did subside and truth be told, I never missed them..well, except my niece and nephew whom my sister eventually blocked me from (AFTER she said she wanted me to see the kids, but 🤷♀️). I had moments where I did reconsider my decision, but God told me to think of why I left in the 1st place.
Hello and thank you for sharing. Your decision is allowing you to live and I hope the only guilt you ever feel is not giving yourself everything you need because that is what you are worthy of.
Great Advice! I am one of 10 siblings. My brother 72 years of age was recently diagnosed with lung, brain and liver cancer and is now in home hospice. If l am being honest lm not close to this sibling (my childhood abuser) However l live closer than the other siblings…therefore I stepped up to rendered assistance. But it never seems to be appreciated. The other siblings have criticized my efforts and that lm not doing enough! After repeated criticism another sibling took over the caregiving. I developed guilt and shame, questioning what l could have done better. Your video gave me peace of mind! Thank you so much!🙏🏾
Thank you David.
This is exactly my situation. I’m the bad guy in my family. My mother is one of the most toxic people I have ever met in my entire life. My sister is an alcoholic. I can’t stand being around them. I can feel it in my body when I am, I get sick. I was never taught how to feel or express. I’m 42 and I’m just getting to know myself. This entanglement with these people is over.
Had to get away from my parents. Suddenly the sibling rivalry went away. I realize they caused this between me and my sister for all these years. Sad thing now is ppl keep asking me when I'm going to visit them and when am I going to get over it. Other ppl just don't get it. It hurts. Thank you David for speaking on this delicate subject that speaks to the core of our lifelong insecurities.
Yeah, everyone doesn't get it. This is what makes it awkward when people ask about your family.
I think asking someone when they will get over something is not listening to you. I think better questions are how do you feel, what do you need, what do you want, what would you like to do?
@@Godlywoman88 You don't have to tell them anything you don't feel comfortable explaining. Whats most important with people you care for is how they feel and not what they do.
Was the sibling rivalry over favouritism your parents showed towards you or you sibling? That’s what happened to me and now my sister is showing strong narcissistic traits, she was the goldie.
Perfect timing, David. Thank you.
Oh good, thank you!
I just lost my dream job not due to incompetent performance but because the peer training me mirrored an abusive parent. FROM THE START SHE TRIED TO WRITE MY NARRATIVE TO OUR MANAGER & PAINT ME AS INCOMPETENT. Since I’ve been trained from childhood to put up with treatment others don’t tolerate… it gets me every time.
I had soooo much to learn & was bullied out of my last job for speaking up so this time I kept my head down & worked. Her loud mouthed talking & sabotage got worse & while my manager saw it, he was hands-off telling me I needed to “speak up”. And when I did.. he denied what was happening, said I was sensitive emotional & she had the nerve to report me to HR?!! Imagine being the source of strain & unnecessary conflict & totally playing victim. I got fired 😢& totally screwed.
Thumbs up David! Yes rid yourself free of toxic people no matter who they are. 🎀
Because you are worth more! Hi Willa!
@@daviddemars Hi David! I do love your videos on different topics about narcissistic abuse. I definitely had a narc family member. At the time i knew nothing about narc abuse. I have learned so much.
@@Willa4420 We have to learn what our family couldn't teach us and I believe that is true healing.
Thanks for this helpful and awesome 🤩 video!
Thank you for watching and commenting!
Thank you Sir for this amazing video, I am from Bangladesh and today I search on TH-cam and find this video ❤
I have done everything for my family and for my girlfriend but I am always neglected by them! They never acknowledged my efforts and contributions in life! They never count my emotions and feelings rather use me when they need me😭😭 I have decided to leave home and I say best of luck to myself....
Wow! David. It’s as if you know my mother. I am struggling with some guilt over leaving and going minimal contact.
Thank you David. You are so well spoken and a fountain of knowledge. Thanks for being you. Wish there were more like you in this broken world. X
You are kind, thank you very much Sandra. I see beautiful people everyday, thank you for being one of them!
@@daviddemars ❤️
I cut off my mother and siblings at 54..my father was killed when I was 13..I used to think my mum hated me because she was traumatised by my dad's death (she never remarried) but my mum just hates me and not my other siblings..I always seemed invisible at family gatherings even as an adult..
This is familiar!
WOW! This really spoke to me tonite, David....your message. I needed to hear this, truly. Great timing! Thank you 🙏 ❤️
How nice, thank you for telling me!!
Thank you. ♥️
Thank you!
Discovered MIL did a smear campaign about me among the in-law family that I was faking my chronic pain when I had to quit work due to extreme pain. I was later medically diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis in 2019; 7 years already into MIL smear campaign. Including shame, guilt, blame, ECT..... For example, telling me I "Can't have this much pain because she has arthritis", or "I wish you were stronger like my family." "It's just allergies" when they actually had a cold or were sick, and I would end up having a high pain flare and feeling deathly ill for a month and barely able to move..... MIL also did a smear campaign telling in-laws family my past childhood trauma and abuse "never happened" and I was faking it to get attention......
2019 I was medically diagnosed with a genetic (born with) autoimmune disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis and started immunosuppressant medication.
Then, 2020 COVID pandemic occured, they told me I was making up my medically diagnosed autoimmune disease, they told me I was faking being immunocompromised, COVID is just a cold, family can't get family sick, banging on my door and windows, etc...... I am high risk of covid, a cold can land me in the hospital.... I dont want to find out what covid would do. Biundaries. I am worthy of life, and being safe.
I went no contact with them November 2023. They cannot take no for an answer and don't respect my boundaries. My mistake being, I should have went no contact long ago, like 10+ years..... Been married for 24 years, and I was not scapegoated until my off and on pain became chronic, and I no longer could work.
I am grateful my husband is also on a healing journey of his own, as well as both healing in marriage. Our grown son is also super supportive. My husband was the scapegoat of his family. I was the scapegoat of my original family..... Our son felt like we are the scapegoat family on my husband's side. My mom's side, we have been doing the work..... I am currently in therapy, and have C-PTSD.
I have been No Contact with stepdad since I was age 23, which was 2000, have a manageable relationship with my mom. Survived childhood trauma and abuse, moved out at age 17, oit of state by age 19. My husband, never moved away from his hometown or family.... My husband was homeless when we first met..... His family wanted his help now, and he would cancle our stuff to help his kom or others in his family; placing our son and I on the back burner.... Which says a lot about his family..... By the time I was medically diagnosed, husbamd started noticing his families toxic ways. He still struggles with guilt from his family, yet I see he is progressing in healing.
Thank You for your videos.
3 years no contact
Hi , thank you for this video! Very insightful. My narcissistic brother along with my alcoholic mother mentally abused me. My mom was even worse because she loved to kick the crap out of me. So I never saw that what my brother did to me was abuse. He didn’t hit me, but he yelled and screamed and bullied me every single day. I worked for him and I was even grateful for it. But I was the one that kept everything going so that he could act like the boss with lots of money . Friends pointed out that he treated me bad. But I was grateful , because every day he said : you must be grateful because I pay your salary. I cut off contact 3 years ago and quit my job. Now he’s severly psychotic, and people call me and tell me that I have to step up and help him. I just can’t anymore. I took him into my home for so many times, that I can’t even count them anymore. But the guilt that I’m feeling is eating me. Hearing he’s psychotic and roaming the streets. At the same time I realize that I’m not an psychologist nor am i his mother. I know he’ll rob me of my sanity and freedom if I take him in again, and it will undo all years of therapy that I’m in now. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt. Thank you you are a gem with this video
Awesome video David! AWESOME!
I feel that teaching myself what my narcissistic parents and family didn't makes me now, truly, a full adult. I've made money and found shelter since I was 16. Is this the phase of self-realization in Maslow's hierarchy? Does that mean that all narcissists are NOT self realized?
In reality, my life was screwed from the get go because I was born to people who did not know/how to love?! Sheesh,...this is how powerful LOVE is....it determines lives.🤔❤
Hi Maya! Good to see you again and thank you for sharing. I believe true healing form childhood trauma is teaching ourselves what our family failed to do and understanding why and how this happened with empathy and compassion. We are not here to learn about others but to discover who we are and your life was never ruined, its not behind you, its right in front of you. You are now becoming the beautiful person you have always meant to be but not allowed to express and its beautiful to watch. Thank you for showing us!
❤️ incisive profound simple words can only come from first hand experience. Thank you again. And yes of course to be selfless it's recipe for a total disaster. Its equal to walk naked and in slow motion inside a dark lion den. Who would be so crazy to do it... Well apparently so many of us are programmed to feed themselves to a lion, or call it self destruction.
Thank you, child programming is tough to break!
Hi David, I’m Brendan from Australia. if you get a chance to read this I’d love to hear your opinion on my story. I just turned 36, growing up my parents treated me like trash - they’re middle class, no substance abuse issues - essentially “normal” from the outside looking in. However my sister has been pampered her whole life ( financially, all the ❤️) and I’ve been largely neglected, I don’t want money from them, however it’s clearly obvious from adolescence until now she’s the golden child. I was kicked out onto the street several times as a teenager (for smoking weed and swearing) and now being a father I cannot imagine kicking my daughter out for ANY reason. They refused to teach me how to drive, but bought my sister a brand new car as soon as she could get her licence, bought her a house, pay for holidays…I got nothing. Is this narcissistic behaviour? It’s truly damaged me. My mother told me several times as a teen “ we always knew something was wrong with you, ever since you were a little boy” when I’d ask what was wrong with me she had no answer. They even went as far as going behind my back to a GP, who after one appointment without meeting me was “diagnosed “ with a personality disorder. After seeing therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists throughout the years and being open with them - anxiety and depression is what I’ve been actually diagnosed with. The scary thing is that they lack ANY insight to the impact on me, they’re completely oblivious. I’m the problem in their eyes, with age I’ve been able to reflect on things and slowly start to put the pieces together…but I’m still broken, even with my success, my beautiful partner and daughter - it’s scarred me deeply. They lack love, empathy…when I’ve had illnesses, injuries (broken bones, surgery etc) they just…didn’t care. It’s crazy to think so many people in the world are like this? Your videos help a lot of people man, so thank you.
Love your neighbour (and familly) as yourself.... not more not less 😉 👍
Good one Anna
Thank you for making this video. My grandmother is aging, but she has financial means that she uses to control the people in her life. I tried to take her in, but she made my life a living hell and gave me chest pains. I had to send her back to her friends house, the only person who is fooled by her behavior. I wanted to help her age and pass, but she would not have any joy around her, nor would she allow anyone else to live our lives without being her slave. I feel badly, but cannot be in the same room with her for very long. Blessings.
❤
Man thank you for this cause I’m struggling with this now . Im in therapy working on childhood trauma after narc relationship.. I’m
The scapegoat of narcissistic family who was molested for years. I’m a gay black man with absentee father as well. I got a lot of wounds to heal at 40 years old but I’m getting there
Thank you Chris, you are young because your life begins now and will be what you want. Keep taking guidance form people who have succeeded in relationships and just make yourself feel better and learn everything your family failed to teach you, this is true healing.
Thank you so very much for this video, Sir.
It (and your channel in general) have been keeping me on the more positive, hopeful side when I feel so drained from these people that have made me a suicidal, stressed out basket case.
Now my overt narc father is dying (for real this time) and I’ve been drowning in sorrow and guilt, and come to think about it, in shame too. Some cousins are now trying to get to me just to curse me and call me a ‘selfish little b’.
I feel so worthless right now I want to crawl under a rock and stay there for the rest of my meaningless life.
I just want this pain to stop 😔.
But your videos are keeping me on the safe side!!!
THANK YOU!!! 🙏 ☺️🤗🎁🎉🌯🍪
From Ohio! Will really think about this! I grew up with a Family of 9 kids and two parents. All of us kids still talk about this, that Mom and Dad were always happy when one more left the nest! We said they were probably clapping! I think the longest any one stayed was til they were 23/24. We all were ready to go, it was expected, but not pushed to do so! I think most of us had had enough of each other! 9 kids under one roof! Yikes!
Hi Rory, I remember you telling me. I truly believe 9 children is impossible for two caretakers to meet all their needs. Also, favoritism is prevalent and profound with that many children. What do you think?
@@daviddemars Mom and Dad treated us equally! They hated us all! LOL! I think they did the best they could, way better than their own parents treated them. Their parents came over from Hungary and Germany on ships. They were old school, boys needed education, girls didn’t cuz they were gonna just get married and have kids. Both my parents weren’t huggers with us kids, so emotionally with me, I did notice That I wanted to choose affection towards our kids. We were all pretty self reliant, and Mom was always home. No one had to tell us to do our homework. The older ones always did theirs, so we thought that’s what you did! Dad wasn’t home much. Wow, I just changed my mind! I’m starting to agree that they couldn’t meet all our needs emotionally! How did you do that!!
@@rorywright5692 lol some neglect makes us more self sufficient but too much hinders self awareness.
@@daviddemars How does being self sufficient hinder self awareness? Maybe cuz you’re doing everything and don’t have time to introspect?
@@daviddemars So true. Only 2 of us in our home and the favoritism was so destructive.
My mom had cancer earlier this year. She beat it thankfully, definitely didn’t want to see her die or struggle but she was a mess through the whole thing and caused a lot of pain for me and my siblings. She is super codependent and now we are grown she assumes we are here to take care of her, asks for expensive gifts, throws fits and guilt trips when we draw boundaries. I feel bad for my older brother because he gets the worst of it, she expects him to step in like a husband would. My sister and I are both moving to different states next year, and it sounds harsh but I don’t feel all that bad. Gotta protect my peace and grow into my own person, build my own life, and there is nothing wrong with that ❤️🩹
Do you have an email address to send a private question concerning this subject?
Since i moved out of my family house my narcissistic and controlling mother has been on a mission to make me feel guilty and manipulate my emotions . She keeps sending me pictures of me when i was a kid and she has changed her tactic to being very sweet and she always talks about the wonderful past she also sends me pictures of my baby sister and tell me don't you miss her . I want to point out she's not like that at all
Hi David
I don’t really know hot to say this in the right words but I haven’t been physically abused and my mom did give me attention growing up so I feel ashamed feeling bad about it, I’m scared that somehow it is all my fault or all the pain and emotional neglect I think I experienced didn’t have to cause me such pain, I’m still looking for a psychologist, and I’m going to feel better, whatever the case how my parents sometimes treat me well and other times just ignore or minimize my feelings is unexplainable, I’m tired of what they are doing to me and all their crap excuses.
As soon as I get the vaccine, I’m going to the internship job, they are really nice and they don’t suddenly change and have mood swings.
What does a family and people look like that isn’t toxic?
My mom gave up her whole life for my dad.
I'm sorry Emile, guilt is something we can always heal from with good friends, talking, and time. Keeping people in our life that makes us feel guilty will never go away. I believe the guilt of placing people before us and not giving us what we need is much more difficult to heal from.
@@daviddemars thank you David.
@@daviddemars I don’t want to try to fix people anymore, I’m bloody done with that. I don’t care what they do. Do you might have an idea why my mom changes in mood so drastically every second week? She goes out of her way to invalidate me and make me feel bad, she initiate arguments for no reason or argues about unimportant things or deliberately slower in answering or playing dumb just to get me angry and then says she didn’t do anything. and I can see she is enjoying it, or she would call my dad while talking to me, just give him the attention and half ignore me. I don’t know what is happening, it all makes me feel unimportant and small.
Sure you want to put another poison in your body?
The children are parentified to love the parents and be loyal to them, instead of the other way around. These parents are like Cult Leaders - they call the shots, and you'd better go by their rules or else. Coming out of these kind of Family Cults is like coming out of a Maze of Guilt, Fear, Confusion, Rage and Sadness, which is traumatizing in addition to the trauma a person endured growing up. What a Mess. This is Absolute Child Abuse and it's Insidious, and it makes me Mad as Hell!
Great! You are healing, process this anger and use it to learn what they failed to teach you and be the beautiful person you have always been but not allowed to show.
@@daviddemars David, I'm not angry for myself, I'm angry about what these people do to people. So many people's lives get destroyed from the abuse. So much Potential just thrown away. It is Maddening.
This is such a great video David - it tied some things up for me so thank you! Man this is a hard mountain to climb.
Love this thanks
Needed these reminders, thank you
Thank you very much.
thank you for this video, i’m going to bookmark it. i have this looming guilt of leaving my parents house and going low or no contact with my narcissistic father.
i never noticed his tendencies until i began working for him as a teen. he would always promise to pay me and help me learn how to be an adult. i would work all summer long and on weekends starting at 14 and have barely anything to show for it financially. anytime i would ask for money for doing work he would call me selfish and say i’m only helping him to benefit myself and how i do not care about him. the past 3 years i’ve worked full time for him. i begged him for an hourly wage and i would pay my share of rent, utilities, and so on until i saved up enough to get my own place. he never followed through to this day. working 60 hour weeks at 19 years old and when i ask for a simple $15/hr he always has an excuse how he’s broke or needs to pay some bill. funny thing is i do 90% of the billing for his company too and i know how much money he has coming in. he has enough to pay me $70/hr and not feel it. it makes me sick when i see him always buying some new toy or gadget knowing that’s my paycheck.
i’m about to turn 20 and i want to start this new decade off on a productive note. i finally for the first time ever have snuck away and gotten a support system outside of my family and of people who are willing to help me by any means to gain independence.
although, i still struggle with the guilt of leaving him behind. i feel like he’s this helpless foal who cannot live without me despite him being 55 years old. because he acts the way narcissistic people do, he will say the most vile and disgusting things about you to your face, then be nice and caring the next day. he expects you to forget what he said and even does forget the hurt he caused because if you ask him it’s like he had no clue. never received an apology for anything he’s ever done or said to me ever -and neither has he to my mother. impossible to have a conversation about his ways because he believes he is “the king of this castle” and never makes a mistake. it’s hard because i want to have him around when he is in a good mood, however he goes ballistic in an instant. this leaves me with constant anxiety and stress anytime anything happens. it has sent me into numerous depressive episodes.
his unpredictable behavior is not something that is pleasant for me or my mother to be around. every day is walking on eggshells, being talked down to, every achievement is part his and every fail means i am a waste of a human being.
i yearn to gain independence from his iron grip that he has upon me and be able to do things in life without feeling judged, guilty or selfish for doing so. life is too short to waste it away doing everything for everyone else and nothing for you. if the roles were reversed i’m sure he wouldn’t hesitate to leave me.
again, thanks for the video, i am going to watch it again now.
HI DAVID. I FIND STUDYING NARCISSISM FASCINATING. NO NARCS IN MY FAMILY, BUT I LIKE TO BE AWARE SO I CAN DEAL WITH THEM IN OTHER VENUES LIKE WORK, ETC.
Narcissistic parenting may be easier to identify?
Love This.
Thank you!
Hello David. I was with two back to back most likely aspd (tick all the boxes) the first one I couldn't keep outta jail and from scheming and conning but he got sick. I have my own mental health issues and I harbour alot of guilt for getting so angry at him for getting sick. He had back surgery so to get the meds after ward, but the surgery lead to a massive mrsa infection a type called VRE... Long story short I watched him slowly die and suffer over a period of 9 mos. I was all he had. Literally all he had, and he had us living in a state not close to either of our families. I did the best I could. The worst and most precious time in my life were those last few months. He became totally dependant on me which I resented him for. But I stayed and cared for him. Thru becoming wheel chair bound, spending months in and out of hospitals, emergency surgery, and deliriums. I love you cared for your mother, it's so tough. So tough in fact, I got sick, my late fiance made ME feel guilty and didn't want me going to er. I ran a 106 fever for 3 days, hardly able to breath. I finally got him to be ok with me going to er (codependent, putting others needs above our own ) my oxygen was 72% when I arrived. I spent 10 days on life support, fighting for my life from severe pneumonia. I lost 48 lbs in that 10 days. This is how sick toxic ppl make you. Also he wasn't in the hospital at the time, although rapid declining health. But while I was on life support, he got women's phone numbers(was this because he was being told I wasn't expected to make it, needed a replacement, idk) but... Yeah true story. I won't discuss how I reacted when I found out .. but I stayed he was so sick. At the very end, his lungs filled with clots, he signed out a.m.a. from hospital and he spent his last 12 hours on this earth with me. Calm. He had a good night that last night . But.. I don't want to ever be with someone like those two ex's again, so started my journey of recovery from my mental health issues and addiction. The 19 mental health facilities and rehabs I've been to in my life didn't work because I never really pointed the finger at me.
Thanks for the topic. Did everything I could to support and encourage adult daughters but their Dad died, with whom they had superficial relationships with, at best. They're angry, mean women whom I know wish I were dead, instead. I'm so tired of the anger. Recent health issues made me realize I would not have emotional/physical support so I choose not to go thru the testing, and cutting chasing a diagnosis. This is my truth because having cancer is bad enough. Without an emotional support system I won't continue. Family suck and he fed our daughters lies and poison till the end.