Wow some of these guys will 100% abuse again. The denial, minimization and reversal of who is the actual victim is just so chilling. Good luck to them and even more to the families they affect.
1/3 reoffend, that’s 2/3s “success” rate. Abuse of any kind is a horrible thing. Court ordered help is probably the first time any of these people have been sat down to think about their actions. Yes, good luck to them especially their families.
I mean in the first place I disbelieve about half their stories when they say things like "the batteries hit her arm and she got bruises" or "I dumped her purse out on her and the cops classified that as an assault" bullshit.
It's supposed to be a 52-week program, that's a full year. The cases being presented here seem to be in the first classes, of course they are nowhere near to being rehabilitation. I wonder how strictly attendance is enforced, otherwise the point is moot.
I'm late to this video but have to add: i voluteered at a prison helping groups of women who'd killed their abusers. They all laughed in disgust when speaking about their abusers being mandated to intervention programs. It was a complete waste of time, made the guys angry, and taught the guys how to be more careful.
I'm late to this too but I know about being in abusive relationship and they don't change . I got 2 Pitbull puppies when I was with my ex because I thought it would be handy to have them for protection anyways he used to beat them senseless and when I tried to stop it he beat me senseless that was until they grew up and he had layed into me one night very viciously and my two dogs bailey and Bruno tore him apart almost killed him I thought they wouldn't because they where scared off him but thank god they did . I still have my two dogs but the ex is in prison now for beating up his new girlfriend he didn't learn anything from what happened to him 😂
@@ahhwe-any7434 women need to know that getting away from these men is the only solution. Women turn into 'helper' when they see these issues. You cannot help a broken man. He has to get the help himself from professionals.
They seldom change because they get something out of acting the way they do.... and are unwilling to lose that. The violence and terror is used to control
@@smallhouseinthemeadow6131 Trauma changes the brain. They can’t change unless they get shock therapy or on some kind of meds. So if they learn bad behavior in childhood and absorbed that way of life or worse they can’t change unless they do shock therapy or heavy meds to help their brain chemistry.
@@smallhouseinthemeadow6131 Yeah, they've learned that their behaviour gets them what they want on many occasions, so why would they stop? They don't' want to.
Tangible life experience and psychological research suggests change and personal growth takes time. You have some super high expectations of yourself if you believe you could change a behavioural response or you logical pathway and just one session. Anyone on a journey of self growth knows that. That’s also why at the extreme of neurological conditions and personality disorders people may need lifelong therapy because they struggle to see the world differently than their own perspective. Change is super hard. Societal programs and day-to-day conversations between friends should be like the dialogue in this video, which is one of hope. But anyone reoffending should go through the legal system and be given the appropriate punishment.
What you’ll notice in group sessions with men relating to domestic violence is that a lot of men will really struggle to actually tell the full story. This is because they still haven’t come to terms with what they’ve done and/or they’re still struggling with intense shame surrounding their actions. Not fully admitting to what happened will hinder your recovery, because to put in place real change you have to come toe to toe with the reality of your actions and the pain you caused others. It requires genuine hard look at yourself and it doesn’t happen overnight.
When I hear an abuser speak this way, I think they are still trying to control the dialogue, still controlling the image that they want to present to the world (or not), that it is somehow never their fault, and frankly, I don't care what they think, feel or want to tell to the world. All this knowledge and no change happens because they don't actually have to change.
Abusive people always do that but I disagree that it's because of guilt. It's because most of them honestly believe whatever they want to believe happened and that they are always right regardless of reality. So they will claim that the thing that clearly happened both didn't happen, and that at the same time they were right even if it's something clearly wrong, they are right in their case. It isn't because of guilt, they are just assholes who lack any self awareness or self control and live in their own made up story rather than caring about the truth
They’re masters of mental gymnastics. My ex flipped every narrative to his advantage, twisted the facts and I really think he believed his lies. It made me want to scream and pull my hair out. He was literally delusional.
He held me by my neck, threw me down and my body slid across the tiled floor. This happened 3 times in one night and for the first time ever. I had bruises on my neck, I didn’t know he had done this before to at least 2 other females until I went to the Police. He told me his Grandparents would die if I spoke to the Police and he was charged. I’m glad I spoke out. I am testifying in court in December.
I have worked with victims of domestic violence for 15 years. I also worked with perpetrators of domestic violence for a year or two. The perpetrators have "errors in thinking," and reversing the thinking and behavior takes a long time. These are not about relationships. It is about power and control, always.
*Society is about power and control... if anyone is ever being misinformed or is having information kept from them, it’s about power and control. Keeping someone unaware is about power and control. Withholding love from someone is about power and control. People do this consistently in this society...*
This is why more and more women are opting to stay single and childless. What good are children when their father might end up being like this? Better to not put yourself or your potential children through this trauma.
The sad part is that when these guys are locked up, all their labor only benefits the city, county, or state where they are incarcerated. So then, the victims, children included, are left to recover, heal, and fend for themselves while these assholes get 3 hots and a cot
Oh, the AAA BATTERY hit her arm and left a bruise....and the DA decided to proscecute. Another guy got arrested, HE SAYS, for dumping his wife's purse on her. "a little shoving...a little pushing." The biggest barrier to change, is all this denial, and minimizing of the abuse.
Look at who is mostly leading the system: the guys who don't get caught because they abuse in ways that aren't as obvious as ohysical abuse. Or they are rich enough to silence everyone. These are their role models.
@shaka mata _ African pride Talking about your feelings and problems is the mature healthy grown adult way to handle it.. and if it doesn't work after talking about it and trying, then you leave.
@HL - Hombres Libres MGTOW yes you are right, I'm sure there's other things involved. Too bad it got so bad wish they had talked it out. So sad to see relationships crumble because of alack of proper communication. They're both hurt from it 100%
I see plenty of pain and shame in these men. I have compassion for their pain.They would do well with mindfulness training: Vipassana, Insight Meditation, teachings of Eckhart Tolle. They’re wounded children who need healing from their own abuse.
@@sandrab601 read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That. The issues causing abuse aren't emotional or psychological, they are value-based and attitude based. Abusive men are entitled and misogynistic, not (statistically) any more or less psychologically troubled than the average population.
You can tell these men aren’t telling the full story of just how far their abuse went, knowing full well that they aren’t behind bars for simply “dumping a purse” on their wife or “throwing a remote across the room.” The minimizing, the denial and you can hear how much they’re trying to explain away their abuse. Until they’ve truly confronted the extent of just how bad they used to be, it’ll be difficult to get them to truly change. And, when it comes to abusers, it’s extremely difficult to get them to own up unless they’re on their deathbed or when it’s far too late to apologize.
He clearly meant for these situations only 🤦🏻♀️. After a dude hits a female, & in his case, hard, & more than once, the f is an intention? You're getting locked up. I remember being locked up w/ someone. She was a trustee & about to leave before I even got to go to court .. but she & her hubby assaulted each other so much, never pressing charges, she told me the state put them in there. I saw her go & then return back in no time. That lady had shredded ear lobes bc she just wanted cute ear rings. & He wasn't having it. She told me that story giggling. Some other 1s too but I don't remember them all
My father should be in this group but my mother never had the guts to call the cops on him. He abused 3 women in his life and still whines that he's the victim. Pathetic.
Oh yes, reverting the aggressor and the victim. He complained about me behind my back to everyone around him, making me out to be an abusive POS while he was abusing me. In hindsight, he was making sure no one would believe me if I told on him. The pinnacle was reached when he hit me, I screamed, and he called the cops on me because I screamed, to have the cops hopefully arrest me because I was keeping the neighbours from sleeping. Can you believe it?
I rescued a woman from her violent husband. Gave her one of my houses to live in, gave her a car, gave her holidays and $10,000 annually. She reconnected with her violent husband and he moved into the house. I visited and he attacked me and when I called the police to get him out of the house…my house, she took his side! I eventually got them both out. They are my parents.
@@mayagreenafricaOMG I’m so sorry. Your mom is trauma bonded and a codependent. I’m proud of you for trying to help her. I’m sorry she isn’t ready to be helped.
My stbx husband told me the other day that he is struggling with not "owning" me anymore since we separated and I filed for divorce. I made the right decision. They view their families as property 100%.
You can feel the rage from these guys when they answer the questions or discuss what brought them there. I honestly don’t think any of them are fixable.
But at the end it says only 1/3 of them re-offend, so 2/3 of those men didn't commit a violence crime again. So doing the program is probably better than just walking around with a short fuse like before
I was in an abusive relationship for over 38 years. I was 17 when I met him. He would ALWAYS blame me for triggering him to hurt me. He was also verbally and emotionally abusive to me. He grew up in an abusive family. His dad abused his mom. He was bullied in school, but then became the bully. All he did was fight. My whole life with him was about fighting. Road rage, fighting with family members. Fighting with me and our 2 boys. I fought back and left him almost 9 months ago. I now have a restraining order on him and are in the final stages of our divorce. I'm a survivor. I only pray he gets the help that he so desperately needs. I thought I could fix him, but I couldn't.
We really can not fix other people. We can fix ourselves, though. And that is what you did! Stay strong. You can pray for him to get help while you continue to move on with your life. You are a SURVIVOR.
@wintersnow she didn’t “mess up” their boys. She left, showed the boys it’s not right and got them to a safe place. It’s really not easy to leave these relationships. Your type of condemnation without understanding or realizing that people (like her boys) can affect change in their own lives despite peripheral challenges will 100% “mess up” your own kids. Do better.
I'm going to point something out. It takes 35 times for a woman to finally report an assault. And only 1-2 assaults are reported out of that 35 times. These men are far from innocent. They minimize the behavior and do not see what they did as wrong. Lundy Bancroft mentioned in his book that these men very rarely can be rehabilitated if at all. Its not to say people are hopeless, but people who are entitled to be abusive and controlling very often cannot change.
Lundy Bancroft wrote a book called "Why Does He Do That?" Showing that therapy for abusers does not work because they end up justifying themselves and becoming more entitled. Maybe classes like this are more beneficial because they encourage the men to take responsibility, but I can only hope.
That is a good point and as an abuse survivor, I share that hope. I'm also a recovering addict who is so very cognizant of the fact that if I do not desire to change and then become brutally honest with myself about the things I must change in order to live a different life that I can be proud of and thrive in, then I will only perhaps stop using for a bit but the same underlying issues will still be there waiting patiently to rear their ugly head again and ultimately drive me to make the same decisions I've always made. I truly feel that people CAN change, even in the midst of court ordered "help," but they must desire to change on the very deepest level of their souls. I hope for the sake of the people stuck on the other end of the abuse, that therapies like this can reach the abusers and spark the fire of change within them.
Actually tho one of the things lundy bancroft did and talked abt in the book is create a program to try to get abusers to come to terms w the fundamental beliefs the belie their abuse
MythicalMelodies these are the same type of classes. Even the way they describe what they did, they use words like “but”. These classes make these men better at abusing.
*There are many abusers society just allows. There are different types of abuse. They just make it seem like physical actions is the only abuse and psychological actions aren’t abuse. There’s no such thing as torturing someone’s mind... that’s all a lie (when it actually isn’t). It just has to preserved as a lie so that people can psychologically abuse - it’s all about dominance.*
if you smack your children because they are misbehaving - you are teaching the young that the use of physical violence is a method for correcting misbehaviour. Then they have been taught to hurt others to get what they want.
He was defending his chil from abusive mother and he's their because it's his own actions women slap men all the time. A slap I'd about insult then actual Injury. Sh should be. Blame yes blame that woman
@@WeatherMondacicci calm down. I was pointing out the fact that teaching children that this is the way you deal with people they will carry that on and treat people like that mainly their spouses
It’s always about what others are doing, never about themselves. They don’t take responsibility for their own behavior - which, by the way, my dad taught me was a key aspect of true masculinity. It goes with another key aspect of true masculinity: never lay a hand on a woman; only weak men do that.
If you're a true capable man, self defense is absolutely fine against a women but you don't need to pummel them, a push should be enough or restraining them in such a way
Homie must have a remote control with very very big batteries. This dude is never going to change. He can't even take responsibility after being caught for the third time.
“I threw the remote and the battery came out and hit her on the arm.” That abusive battery! Prison! 20 years! 🙄 come on guy you seriously think anyone believed that? Those guys that didn’t wanna show their faces are cowards.
I refuse to believe that he was arrested for throwing a remote and a battery from that remote hitting his wife in the arm. How stupid does he think we are?
The refrain of "I'm here because someone called the cops" illustrates to me how deeply violent our culture allows and guides people to be. I appreciate that these men are trying to change, and I wish it didn't take a court mandate to open up conversations like this about what is healthy and appropriate in interpersonal relations.
I am literally dealing with this now- pushed, pulled, throwing and breaking stuff. Bruises and bumps- not taken seriously. It’s just a step away from a punch. I don’t put my hands on my partner- even in the worst times. I feel like the rage that I see is not taken seriously Bc I am not seriously injured...
So true! I’m a survivor of domestic abuse, today I am living with Dystonia and functional Neurological Disorder as a result of my head injury 🤕 his life continues 😓🙏
I'd bet that every single one of these guys have acted like monsters behind closed doors & either they just don't realize how scary they get OR they're proud of it.
They realize what they're doing and they know the difference between right and wrong- they just don't care because they think their victim deserved it.
I want to believe some will change. People with personality disorders only change if they have extensive therapy and want to change, as a rule. The men ( and women) that have little or no ability for empathy won't change unless it meets their needs at the time.
A psychologist friend of mine said that it’s really been proven that these groups don’t work to effect change because they just “learn” from one another and they learn how to not get caught the next time around. Hope it’s not true, but..,
Yeah that would be right...Only sorry they got caught and only striving to be better at getting away with it next time. Rot is rot. I'm facing reality from now on so this never happens to me and my dog again. I don't care about my teeth, my knee and the scars on my face or the damage to my throat, mental and emotional......I am angry right now for my dog, i'm sorry
Despite being convicted, they still try to deny being abusers. This is why they will never change. They need to grow up and accept responsibility for what they do. Their immaturity is pathetic.
Some of these guys just can't understand NOT controlling their partners. They just can't wrap their heads around it - it is a personal slight and an affront in their heads for a woman to have autonomy over her own actions. If they can't control their partner, they feel like they are the victim.
Seriously they never think they do anything wrong and make all sorts of excuses or minimize anything they do. I’m sure if you talk to the wife, you’d hear a whole different story. You can’t change if you don’t take responsibility for your actions. Period.
It does constitute abuse because they see it as a threat for it escalating to something worse in future. A man doesn't have to brutalise the lady to be an abuser
Also, the guy who said he threw the remote and the batteries "fell out and left a bruise", what a POS, acting like that's all that happened as if that would leave a bruise.
Many experts actually say that you cannot reform abusive men. Abuse is not a mental illness issue it’s a culturally driven issue. These men truly believe women were put on this earth to serve men and if she steps out of line and doesn’t give them what they want they have to “put her in her place”. I firmly believe that most domestic abusers deserve a life sentence because of the fact that they cannot change and will probably just wreck havoc on other women’s lives.
I was never allowed to cry after his angry outbursts. I didn't see it at the time but it was ok for him to express his feelings in any way he chose, but not me. I was expected to remain positive at all times. The criminal justice system saved me and now I'm married to a great man and have never been happier. I suffered domestic abuse for 17 years but it has taught me to cherish the relationship I now have.
This. He told me my tears were emotionally manipulative and he would not hear my crying any more. It’s like any time I felt sad about the threats he made to me he could not handle the shame of it.
@sweetspacesessions9813 It wasn't easy for me to trust another man. After a few months of dating I told him about my past and he was understanding and empathetic. Although we are very happy I do still get triggered by things he says from time to time, although this has gotten less and less over the years since. It took a leap of faith and bravery on my part to trust again and I'm glad I did.
My Ex hit me, he accused me of amping him up, I made him hit me! According to him.... I NEVER raised a hand to him. He would go crazy over the smallest things, misunderstandings in words being said the biggest thing. 😭 If there are any woman in a relationship like that, get out 💕
I never yelled, cursed at, taunted him. If I had a question he didn’t like or wasn’t always smiling, he raged. The last rage was for a small misunderstanding. It was surreal and scary to watch.
The worst part of being in a domestic abuse relationship was the gaslighting and emotional roller coaster. The abuse started gradually. There were good times in between the bad. But, once it turned physical, it got worse each time. By then, I was so beaten down mentally that I could barely function. I also suffered from numerous licks on the head. Even mild traumatic brain injuries can make it challenging to execute a plan getaway. Coupled with PTSD and not functioning as well at your job, you have strained family relationships because you have become isolated. The low self-esteem and self-blaming became a downward spiral. The abuse was definitely cyclical. Things went well for a while; then something would trigger the abuse, then the love bombing, supposedly remorse, and things would level out until the cycle started again. I had left two prior times, the 2nd time after he shoved me down, kicked me in the ribs, then choked me. A few months later, I went back. He was willing to go to counseling and stop drinking for the whole nine yards. Plus, by this time, I was evicted from my apt. He scared the older people living g in the apartments because he would be seen stalking me and watching my apartment. ( yes, I had a restraining order) It was insane of me to go back. I just gave up. Inexplicably, I felt sorry for him also. When you are in an abusive relationship, you become emotionally ill. After going back to him for several months I thought things might be ok. But he started drinking again, and I could feel his rage building up. He was suspicious for no reason again and became controlling again. This time, I knew I might not survive another attack. I called a domestic abuse shelter and, left almost everything I owned and worked for, and lived in the shelter for several months. I may have lost my possessions, but I had my life and understood the cycle of abuse. I regained my relationships with my family. I have suffered from mild brain damage and severe PTSD. Almost ten years later, I can say I am doing well. It has taken a lot of work, but I am stronger for it. I hope this helps someone out there who is struggling in an abusive relationship. Seek help from people experienced in domestic abuse counseling.
The dude that violated the restraining order is the typical abuser. First of all, people don’t just get granted restraining orders without proof. And yet, he freaking violated a restraining order and acted violently and still thinks he did nothing wrong and blames the other person. They blame the other person, minimize their behavior and never take accountability for their actions. You can literally show them videos, photos of what they did and they would still feel that they are the victims. That is why they will never change.
Have you ever even tried to hold yourself accountable and be open abt your shortcomings? I bet you haven’t bc you seem to have absolutely no clue how difficult that can actually be.
It really is about weakness because they can control themselves in other situations. When it's a situation with someone who physically can't protect themselves they suddenly lose control? BS!!
I'm here commenting YEARS later. After a failed 9 years of marriage where I was emotionally and physically Abusing my at the time wife. Multiple jail stays and somewhere along the line I changed even just a bit. Now. About to get married again. And I have so many sleepless night. Stress filled and ridden with guilt at my past actions. Last few months I've felt myself getting that anger again. Over small stuff. Yelling and screaming. Borderline emotionally abusing. Idk what to do. I've had therapy. And I've been looking all over online for stuff gear specifically to the ABUSER THAT WANTS TO CHANGE. Be better. And there's basically nothing.
Choose your own happiness by being better. Spiral up by learning, reading, walking, exercise, breathing, etc. You don't have to forget but it is ok to forgive yourself. As hard as that might seem.
Honestly, I think your best option is to not marry again, at least not so soon and maybe live with the fact that you cannot get over your abusiveness and protect your future wife-to-be from being abused.
Maybe you need to not be in a legally binding relationship with another human being. I have paranoia, I will probably never stop having paranoia, I will NEVER bring another person into that without fully understanding they have a right to *leave* if they don't like it. There are some things we can't control about ourselves, no matter how much we try, the solution is to not then extend that control onto another human being, but to let them go. Love is not permanent, it is temporary, how temporary is up to you.
I am not an expert, but if you feel the anger then step out of that situation. Leave, go out for a walk, and walk until the anger passes. Also, if you were raised with violence, or experienced a lot of violence as a kid, go to trauma therapy. I feel like some of these guys (esp Grant) looks like he is caught in some sort of fight response and therefore lashes out in every situation. Yeah, he thinks he is the victim, because probably he has been the victim at some point and now he can't understand that he is doing the same to others. So if you want to change, you need to work on yourself and understand that, even if you feel trapped and you feel like the one who is being hurt, you are the one who is harming others.
It’s the minimizing that’s hurts the most. Acknowledge your wrong doings! My ex would look at me with my eyes black and blue. One eye had zero white, instead was red end to end due to ruptured blood vessels and would ask me to my face “ who fucked you up” Denied each time and said he would never hit a women and if anyone asks he’ll say I did it to myself. We have court coming up and they have him on 2 felony charges. He asked me to write a letter to the judge saying that I’m a drug addict (which I’m not) and that he decided to end things with me and Is the reason I beat myself black and blue.
Hey Leslie how are you? I know what you're going through and really would like to talk some more if you're comfortable? I'm on insta with the same name as my TH-cam profile name. Your comment hit so close to home.
Stay strong and keep reminding yourself that YOU know what the truth is. Stay away from ppl who try to convince you otherwise. Set yourself free. Full power to you ✊🏻👊🏻🤛🏻💃🏻
Damn honey, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm in a difficult situation myself, and all I keep thinking is how bad is it going to get before I can escape this madness!? Getting cussed at, screamed at, name-calling, and then the physical shit started... They seem to go from 0-100 TOO QUICK! I am proud of you!!! I am rooting for you in my own personal hell.... YOU HAVE THE POWER NOW!!!! Do not help that man, please burry him in court.... Do it for me, do it for us. Please. Good luck to you. 🌒🌕🌘
They hide their faces because they KNOW damn well what they do is unacceptable and wrong and yet they still blame the victim!!!!!! Failure to learn from experience is the Hallmark of the sociopath, narcissist and psychopath. They say " I was abused" Well buddy,that don't give you the right to take it out on your loving family!!!!
'I thought my mum was gonna pull my daughter's arm out her socket ' 🙄 my ex used to use outrageously dramatic language too. This guy here was trying to look like a good guy for defending his child
Yes. Exactly. Then he mentions that he has a restraining order...okay well he had to have that for a reason right? They don't give those out like candy. And he didn't even mention the slap. I was like, there it is.
not really in the case of men, I`ve seen abuse from women being more excusable than in cases of men. What we know now is that domestic violence is reciprocal in many cases, and not the stereotypical one sided we don`t see videos of women abusers explaining their actions.
@@hatbat1234 Agreed. Feminism gave women the shield that they are angels and can do no wrong. Some of those who are abused can be reactively abusive as well. Cheating, and rubbing it in your partners face is invalidation. Which is emotional abuse, which doesn't leave marks and the pain and trauma can last for a long time. Is reactive abuse okay? No of course not, but someone who is being devalued or is being sadistically abused will want to defend themselves. Sometimes people don't have the right tools to cope. I found it funny, though. "She was cheating." Right, lets see Corey Anderson have a show of good faith and support her in that decision. LOL Ridiculous. My ex, on 2 different occasions _ASKED_ me to hit her. Of course I didn't, she was a fucking nut case. And.. She was cheating! She wanted me to hit her so she could file charges on me for retaliation because I made her feel so shitty about it. And RIGHTLY SO! No, I'm NOT gonna support her in _that kind_ of a decision. I left the emotional abuser, who, was a woman. On multiple occasions, I would tell her how the cheating made me feel like I was worthless. You'd think that the person would show compassion instead of smiling with glee knowing that it was hurting me. Or on other occasions she would ask about my mother who she knows is dying from ALS, who also knew I didn't like to talk about it because I told her _not_ to bring it up and again, _smiling_ because it made her happy that it was hurting me. Its sadistic and its sick. Was it okay that I would yell and scream at her and call her nasty names? Of course not, but reactive abuse is one way of trying to defend what little you have left of your self-esteem and self-worth. Its dysfunctional, just like she was, and it brought the worst out in me.
Mr Twister i totally agree with what you are saying, but it is never an excuse for physical abuse. You need to step back and let it go in those situations. Yelling gives them what they want, a reaction. you need to be calm, assertive and cold. Throwing hands or anything else physical, is a weakness and shows lack of self restraint.
@V.B Well, this is patently false and not backed by any current statistic. www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/in_brief_domestic_violence_not_always_one_sided
All of these men were once innocent children. I hope our society can improve by raising children to take responsibility for their actions, and to teach that showing sadness or openness to emotions is strength, not weakness.
Most people that commit abuse were already abused or come from abusive parents, abusers are like a disease if you make a relationship with one and they abuse you they may turn you into an abuser as well this is not the fault of masculinity indeed most domestic violence is reciprocal and in no reciprocal the women are the abuser besides women are far more likely to abuse their children in neglect and emotionally, this particularly affects boys who are more likely to die for it, don't give me wrong i agree with you our society should be more open towards listening to male regardless is it view as weakness or not.
*No child is innocent. Everyone is born evil and only the best get away with it and are smart enough to abuse in subtle ways that can’t be perceived (psychologically) and end up being the same ones screaming “ABUSE!!! ABUSE!!! ABUSE!!!!” collectively with a group that knows no violence, but magically knows how to be violent. It seems like everyone’s an abuser. Everyone uses force - it’s just that most people get away with it because they ACT polite. Also, intuition is a lie because nobody has a baby and thinks, “This one’s going to be an abuser... I knew it the moment it came out of my belly”.*
@@mrtwister9002 One thing I have come to realize is that the internet, smartphones and social media have made it very easy for a partner to hook up with someone else (even while she claims to be with you). The second she is dissatisfied, she has immediate access to millions of thirsty willing guys and gals who will tell her whatever she wants to hear. I don't even take relationships seriously anymore these days.
These men seem immensely unhappy. It seems to me that they just want to release all that negative energy on someone, and they will target the closest and most vulnerable person near them.
You nailed it. For generations, society accepted angry men releasing their anger and disappointment on women and their families. Now women don't have to date/marry these trash-bag men and you're seeing an epidemic of single men and men releasing violence onto society. Women/children aren't taking the role of punching bags any more and these low-quality men need to find ways to handle their disappointment/anger
They are perfectly happy when their victims comply. They abuse because it gets them what they want. When they face real consequences, and when they lose their supply of victims, things change.
I am a former Physical Abuser. The hardest part is forgiving yourself, and I don't think I ever will. The change inside my heart only happened once I took full responsibility for my actions, and stopped trying to explain the context. Everyone has a choice, and hurting someone else has consequences. Staying single for the rest of my life, and humbling myself enough to listen and learn, is where I am at right now. My name is in the dirt, and somehow that feels right. I know what I have done, and I regret it every day.
Hey, both of you.... that’s big, to fully own it. It’s grown. Rarely do people fully own their own issues, not just abusers. A man I love but had to let go, and keep distance from has owned his actions. Fully. Is in therapy. Dedicated to it. He was verbally abusive, also stalked me, gaslit. He left big wounds. I’m healing but scarred. It made me more aware of how I hurt people when I was younger. Stick to your wisdom now, I wish you both well from here.
Both of you men, as a child I was going after someone who put hands on me. As an adult, I changed. But I feel like people go to my past, but I am different now. I have trouble believing that you were not abused after seeing guys get abused in my life. Like you guys are not allowed to speak up for yourselves. Maybe there is such thing as sexism against men. Personally, I don’t know you. My experiences are different. We are all unique. I am sorry. You seem to believe you are angry
Really important what the facilitator said about minimising. Hearing these guys say "I just threw a remote" makes the behaviour sound isolated and one-off. When I was abused those things would happen, but they were part of a larger cycle and set of beliefs and behaviours.
Sounds like they all understate the physical contact. "Oh I grabbed her arm oh the batteries fell out and hit her arm" right you are not real violence.
@DJ Warning Look behind his words. Why was grandma dragging the child? Because he was trying to snatch the child when he had a restraining order against him. They only tell a little portion of the story, to gain sympathy .
I would be dead if i left both nights & he thankfully moved out and left. Now his actions are coming back around on him from other people’a reports of him and I feel wrecked because he might get put away & I’m just really sad about that. It’s not up to me. He tells people im crazy and lying. For mad I may be, but I will never again be convenient. Love what is eternal in them and work to become unavailable to the behavior. My head & heart is really messed up months later still. I just want to be well again. I’m leaning into the experience of it and trying not to repress it. Trying to be honest with myself. It’s very hard.
my partner acknowledges his bad behavior and says he’s sorry for everything that happened but after a whole year of giving chances the damage is already done. I can no longer trust him.
i was in the same boat. stayed too long, he almost killed me earlier this year. fucking heartbreaking and demonic. they literally don't care or love anyone.
That's sad that you had to deal with that and that they were not actually ready to be a healthy person for your relationship. I hope that you were able to move on from that and are able to find someone that treats you better.
Man these guys are liars. Ill tell the truth of my wrongs. I punched her in the face and I scratched her and she packed her stuff up and left. I went to rehab and changed my situation. I proved to her that I would never take a drink again. Now we are happier than we've ever been because I don't drink and smoke hard drugs anymore. These guys are weak own up brothers who are I. The same situations as these guys. God bless.
After I was accused and charged it is hard to own it, appreciate you shining the light on what is possible to move forward. I'm sober, attending counseling, got a better job, and happier. Owning it is difficult but definitely necessary.
Hey -- good on you and your partner! When my then-boyfriend got sentenced to a year of DV counseling, I realized I needed to recognize my part in all of it, too it was really hard, but seeing him go to class and sharing what he was learning helped me, too. We both had a lit to change but we made it. No more violence. We've been married going on 3 years now. He graduated the class in 2018.
8:24 he talks about how much he 'cared about the child' but wheres his respect for the WOMAN WHO USED HER BODY TO CREATE A CHILD FOR 9 MONTHS. hes okay beating up the woman
Abusers often use the children to hurt the victim or threaten to take the child to have more control over the victim. Truly evil to use children as pawns.
Grant talks about his case and you can see the injustice he feels and the anger he feels about it, and as the cocunsler gives him the tools, he softens, his face changes, and his tense body relaxes. He then starts to understand its starts with him.
What the teacher should have said was, you can't force your wife to stay if she decides to leave for the weekend with her bad friend, even if you disagree. You can take other actions like talking to her when she comes back or going to counselling or breaking up lol.
i liked what the counselor said about minimizing because sometimes people don't realize how quickly the smaller things become dangerous or potentially fatal because of accidents etc.
Yup, just never ever ever ever ever ever wanna be hit again by a narcassist. i almost brutally killed myself. after being attacked so many fucking times you begin to attack yourself, trusting no one not even yourself as a victim its really hard for "normal" people to understand. it is beyond what words can describe, an absolute nightmare to be abused by someone you loved, and would have NEVER EVER EVER in a million years done that to them
These abusers often minimize the level of abuse. My friend was choked and dragged by her hair, but according to her husband , all he did was touch her shoulder.🙄
I'm in the same boat. "Oh at least he only slapped her. Or threw something at her. Or screamed at them. Or intimidated them." and then I realized exactly what I felt. Its sad. Abuse is never okay.
Sounds like the only first step that could matter. But when they have manipulative personalities, they first start trying manipulate the therapist or the people in the group sessions. Others are in denial.
men: 'we protect women, we earn the money and we're providers' also men: 'i may have GENTLY tapped her on the shoulder, i dont really KNOW why i did that haha'
We should ALL be protecting each other, regardless of gender, women are NOT more special than men, men built society and died in wars to protect us, start respecting men!
Abusers do not change to non abusers A person born without an arm, or lost their arm in an accident....... Is NEVER going to grow an arm. Once the first abuse takes place? The arm is gone. It's that blank and white. It's the abuse that makes them believe they are " real men" . It's never the target, or victims fault. Never.
I am 1 minute in and can't help but comment: these men are speaking of the ONE incident that lead them to arrest. I have a very hard time believing that there weren't prior incidents leading up to the one in which police were involved. I also have a hard time believing the offense was a simple as "grabbing her arm" or "dumping her purse on her." Also, the casual nature in which these offences are disclosed is ALARMING.
none of them take accountability or feel bad, downplaying their actions. My ex partner jyst got sentenced to nearly 4 years, he strangled me unconcious and smashed my head on walls, threw a 10kg weight at my head, told me to hold my arms up so he could punch my stomach. And i loved him, but i chose my life. Men like this basically never change, my ex partner didnt even say sorry or feel bad, just blamed me.
It wasn’t until I was 39 years old and entered my first AA meeting when I learned two valuable lessons. First, I must learn to unlearn. And number two is it is not them, it is me! Both of those lessons have brought sobriety to my addictive self and my deep anger. Thanks be to God, I can now step back and see my fear that cowers behind my reactionary anger. Also, I can look at ME first and not what the other person is doing when my anger rises. I have not mastered this, but it comes to mind faster than before my first AA meeting. I now examine why the issue is making me mad and upset; what is it touching that causes internal pain? Life is a work in progress, which we have to work at to actually enjoy life, in my opinion.
The way they tell the story of the abuses are so minimal it makes you question if they even feel guilty or emotions. If there’s a police report there is clearly a HUGE incident they don’t arrest people and report things for fun or make belief.So why can’t these men see their problem of violence.
They also need men who abuse their wife emotionally, verbally, psychologically, legally, financially etc to also do this classes. It seems that society is still only focused on physical abuse as if someone has been a victim when in fact all of the rest of the abuse is just horrific if not more horrific then physical abuse. Coercive control needs to be looked at more seriously. In Australia it has just come into law and will not be implemented until 2025 for it to be a serious crime, yet there are hundreds of thousands women experiencing this abuse right now without any leg to stand on legally.b
You articulated my experience. These are the aspects that people, even trained professionals in the field don't realize... I'm two years out of it. And everyday I choose to act - to live in defiance of his dictates... I tremble each time, but I *BOLDLY* force myself into the waging battle of reversing the brainwashing that leached my soul.
@@bloodonmytongue5408 a woman I know was sitting in the backseat of her and her husband's SUV with their daughter who was an infant at the time. They had a disagreement about some trivial matter and while the father was driving on the interstate she took her foot and kicked him in the back of the head while he was driving at probably 65 mph.
@@MichaelBrown-zp1sfthis video covers men’s involvement in DV. Idk why there are so many guys here who refuse to focus on the topic and deflect with the “What about women??” statement.
@@EH_888I agree. They used to call it Whataboutism. More men abuse women than women abuse men. Women abusing men is a different subject for a different time.
I'm a female with a temper, and I can only imagine what I would be like if I were a male with the same temperment, just a more powerful body and voice. I don't physically act out when angered; I scream/yell/. I think these groups as shown in this video are interesting because there are so many of the men who can't/won't even admit they have a problem. Even If I try and tell myself to control my yelling/shouting it happens so quickly like a switch without an "in between" spot. Even though I can recognize when it might be likely to happen and try to either end the conversation or de-escalate my feelings, it still happens once in a while. I don't think most of these men will ever change without intense therapy and medication, which I am getting for myself because I realize my behavior is not normal, acceptable, or conducive to happy living .
*People do that all the time and get away with it; they even promote violence and engrain into the minds of youth that have never been exposed to violence before. Nobody is violent by nature. Nobody is born violent. There are no violent babies.*
The ego defenses of these guys is strong. They can't be wrong or admit fault or mistakes. They rage and use violence to compensate for tbe shame and sadness they're stuck in from childhood. My mother and two exes were this way. It really is tragic but they can't be "loved" better
They deserve none of this sympathy You don't get to hurt people and try to make people feel sorry for you They need to experience 1 for 1 the pain they cause
I appreciated how the counselor said don’t minimize it.. even small acts of anger and violence. Something I noticed about my Dad and brother is neither of them take accountability for things. There is always an excuse or blame on the other person to validate their actions.
I hear no emotion or remorse in any of their voices.The only reason they are there is because they have no choice and who they feel sorry for is themselves.
Why do so many guys refuse to take responsibility for their actions? Stop making yourself into the victim. I believe people can change but you have to want to. I wish the very best to all the guys in the program. Utilize your tools that you learned in the class. You can do it guys. Peace.
The tools I've learned after owning it and going through counseling is this: The counselor knows the victim is hurt but the aggressor cannot shoulder all the blame, that's because there are many forms of abuse. The victim is usually verbally or mentally abusive to the physical abuser. This doesn't constitute hitting one another but it also speaks to the victim isn't allowed to get away with verbal/mental abuse either. It is next to impossible for the victim to realize this because the courts are certainly not going the help the physical abuser. Both parties need counseling, usually anger management. Shining light on the issues with the 2 people together get the most positive results. Hence why you get counselors involved, trained professionals.
That's weak... I didn't even start talking as much ish until I gave up on the idea. Not just him either. The Idea of him, us... Cutesy time over! & According to some comments, or just truthfully, everywhere... Looks like some females def put up w/ more. But for their cases, 🤔💡 somehow getting more abused, while those females are even doing less. Regardless, that's really what's not fair. I'm gonna fight dirty or they could just simply walk away@@kuhlman76
I was never physically abused by my partner and the father of my son. But the mental and emotional abuse inflicted on us both was terrible. If the car got a flat tyre, he wouldn’t speak to either of us for 3 days, I remember he mucked up a recipe for carbonara, same result. His moods were unbearable. He rarely helped to care for our then two year old. We both worked full time for the police in Australia and one morning he flatly refused to get up to look after our son who I had bathed, fed and dressed before I went to work. So that was it for me. I lost my effing mind! Told him to be out when I got home from work the next day and I had our son minded by his Nan and after work he and I stayed with my mum. I came home the next day and he was gone, but then the stalking began. It got so bad one night that I had to ring work ( the local police station) and they physically ordered him out of town and followed him. It was embarrassing because of course everyone knew but they were all on my side as no one liked him. He has been a crap father and it has been 9 yrs since he has bothered with his only child. Just thinking of him makes my skin crawl to this day and it been over 32yrs. I have since learnt that he was gaslighting me but I didn’t know what it was called then. I actually detested him at the end, before I made him go. And he knew that he could lose his job as a copper, and that everyone knew what he had been doing to my son and I. He makes me sick!
That’s all they will ever say... abusers only have excuses for their behavior and even blame the victim, they don’t want to take responsibility for what they did and when you stand up for yourself, they get offended.
I wish this was a series. I think the families input and account of the men's behavior should be highlighted and taken seriously, to emphasize that you can't trust an abusers account of their abuse. I would also like to see more exposure on how men treat women outside of their family, especially at work.
I'm an adult woman (27 years old) and i grew up with a emotional and physical abusive father and until this day he keeps being abusive. When i visit home he behaves the same way he use to when i was a little girl.Impulsive,aggressive and raging, capable of exploding on any moment. Last time i was there he almost throw a broom at me.I have very little hope(almost none) about him being able to change his behaviour. Is saddest me to say this but i think my father is going to die as an angry and ranging man,he just doesn't want to give off the fight.
I'm sure Grant's story went more like: he had a restraining order, he showed up and tried/threatened to take the child, his mother tried to drag her to safety and he beat her up. Nice try though, pal.
it's incredible to see how some of these men blatantly twist not only what they did but also the words that the counselor said, it took less than 10 min of this documentary for that to be shown. You can also clearly see how the counselor is exhausted of repeating the same thing over and over again, that guy only "understood" what was said after another abuser said the same thing to him.
![Caged In [Extended Version] - Award winning Domestic Violence short film (2016)](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/iiF9ays47EI/mqdefault.jpg)
![Caged In [Extended Version] - Award winning Domestic Violence short film (2016)](/img/tr.png)
Watching a roomful of bullies deflect and avoid responsibility.
Watching a roomful of cowards deflect and avoid responsibility.
Morality is a constant. It shouldn't change due to time passing. Culture will change with time. We need a clear and abiding morality.
@@sandrasaturley9646 their problems are much much emotionally deeper than simplifying it to an issue solely based in morality
The first few minutes in even minimizing that he’s in jail for dumping a purse out. Herein lies the problem.
@@sandrasaturley9646
Bs
Of course it changes
We very rarely crucify people nowadays 😂
Wow some of these guys will 100% abuse again. The denial, minimization and reversal of who is the actual victim is just so chilling. Good luck to them and even more to the families they affect.
They all will. They'll just share stories and learn ways to be more careful next time.
1/3 reoffend, that’s 2/3s “success” rate. Abuse of any kind is a horrible thing. Court ordered help is probably the first time any of these people have been sat down to think about their actions.
Yes, good luck to them especially their families.
I mean in the first place I disbelieve about half their stories when they say things like "the batteries hit her arm and she got bruises" or "I dumped her purse out on her and the cops classified that as an assault" bullshit.
It's supposed to be a 52-week program, that's a full year. The cases being presented here seem to be in the first classes, of course they are nowhere near to being rehabilitation. I wonder how strictly attendance is enforced, otherwise the point is moot.
@@sunnykobe3210 1/3 reoffend that we know of.
I'm late to this video but have to add: i voluteered at a prison helping groups of women who'd killed their abusers. They all laughed in disgust when speaking about their abusers being mandated to intervention programs. It was a complete waste of time, made the guys angry, and taught the guys how to be more careful.
I'm late to this too but I know about being in abusive relationship and they don't change . I got 2 Pitbull puppies when I was with my ex because I thought it would be handy to have them for protection anyways he used to beat them senseless and when I tried to stop it he beat me senseless that was until they grew up and he had layed into me one night very viciously and my two dogs bailey and Bruno tore him apart almost killed him I thought they wouldn't because they where scared off him but thank god they did . I still have my two dogs but the ex is in prison now for beating up his new girlfriend he didn't learn anything from what happened to him 😂
Well then what would you suggest? I think this 1 of the most honest vids I've seen on yt in the longest time
@@ahhwe-any7434 women need to know that getting away from these men is the only solution. Women turn into 'helper' when they see these issues. You cannot help a broken man. He has to get the help himself from professionals.
It is a shame that women who kill their abusers have to do time in prison.
@@gloriaf6971 Ah yes, the solution to violence is... even greater violence?
My ex went through DV classes twice. He is currently serving a 7 year stay in prison for DV against his new girlfriend.
They can't change unless they really want to and they are often abusive because they learned it at home.
They seldom change because they do what they do because they get something out of it ...
They seldom change because they get something out of acting the way they do.... and are unwilling to lose that. The violence and terror is used to control
@@smallhouseinthemeadow6131 Trauma changes the brain. They can’t change unless they get shock therapy or on some kind of meds. So if they learn bad behavior in childhood and absorbed that way of life or worse they can’t change unless they do shock therapy or heavy meds to help their brain chemistry.
@@smallhouseinthemeadow6131 Yeah, they've learned that their behaviour gets them what they want on many occasions, so why would they stop? They don't' want to.
Once they do this class ONCE and offend again they should not get the opportunity to repeat it. They should go straight to prison for violent assault
Absolutely agree.
Totally agree
Why do they get a chance when their victims who fight back get stuck in prison
They should stay in prison now.
Tangible life experience and psychological research suggests change and personal growth takes time. You have some super high expectations of yourself if you believe you could change a behavioural response or you logical pathway and just one session. Anyone on a journey of self growth knows that. That’s also why at the extreme of neurological conditions and personality disorders people may need lifelong therapy because they struggle to see the world differently than their own perspective. Change is super hard. Societal programs and day-to-day conversations between friends should be like the dialogue in this video, which is one of hope. But anyone reoffending should go through the legal system and be given the appropriate punishment.
What you’ll notice in group sessions with men relating to domestic violence is that a lot of men will really struggle to actually tell the full story. This is because they still haven’t come to terms with what they’ve done and/or they’re still struggling with intense shame surrounding their actions. Not fully admitting to what happened will hinder your recovery, because to put in place real change you have to come toe to toe with the reality of your actions and the pain you caused others. It requires genuine hard look at yourself and it doesn’t happen overnight.
When I hear an abuser speak this way, I think they are still trying to control the dialogue, still controlling the image that they want to present to the world (or not), that it is somehow never their fault, and frankly, I don't care what they think, feel or want to tell to the world. All this knowledge and no change happens because they don't actually have to change.
They don’t have shame. It was the women who made them do this. There is no shame in what they did.
If you think they feel anything similar to "shame" then you're more delusional than them
Abusive people always do that but I disagree that it's because of guilt. It's because most of them honestly believe whatever they want to believe happened and that they are always right regardless of reality. So they will claim that the thing that clearly happened both didn't happen, and that at the same time they were right even if it's something clearly wrong, they are right in their case. It isn't because of guilt, they are just assholes who lack any self awareness or self control and live in their own made up story rather than caring about the truth
They’re masters of mental gymnastics. My ex flipped every narrative to his advantage, twisted the facts and I really think he believed his lies. It made me want to scream and pull my hair out. He was literally delusional.
He held me by my neck, threw me down and my body slid across the tiled floor. This happened 3 times in one night and for the first time ever. I had bruises on my neck, I didn’t know he had done this before to at least 2 other females until I went to the Police. He told me his Grandparents would die if I spoke to the Police and he was charged. I’m glad I spoke out. I am testifying in court in December.
I’m so proud of you I hope you’re doing well ❤️
@@Adri_Unsung thanks I’m processing still, takes a while but I’m doing well. Thanks again. ☺️
Dang. You are a brave woman. And he is fubar’d.
@@aliciascat9433 seek out professional help, you're brave! thanks for speak up!
God bless you. I hope you're in a safe place now. Much love!
I have worked with victims of domestic violence for 15 years. I also worked with perpetrators of domestic violence for a year or two. The perpetrators have "errors in thinking," and reversing the thinking and behavior takes a long time. These are not about relationships. It is about power and control, always.
*Society is about power and control... if anyone is ever being misinformed or is having information kept from them, it’s about power and control. Keeping someone unaware is about power and control. Withholding love from someone is about power and control. People do this consistently in this society...*
BINGO🏆
I agree my husband abused me but really wanted to abuse his step father.
@@earlaweese "withholding love from someone" or sex. Those are two different things.
Wow. All I did was......minimize. I just dumped her purse, just bruised her arm, just grabbed her arm....... they forget to add the " and then I....."
This is why more and more women are opting to stay single and childless. What good are children when their father might end up being like this? Better to not put yourself or your potential children through this trauma.
It's why I don't date 📅 to dangerous these days in Australia 🦘🌏
Yep. Men create loneliness for themselves
This is why we choose the bear.
The sad part is that when these guys are locked up, all their labor only benefits the city, county, or state where they are incarcerated. So then, the victims, children included, are left to recover, heal, and fend for themselves while these assholes get 3 hots and a cot
4B 🖤
Oh, the AAA BATTERY hit her arm and left a bruise....and the DA decided to proscecute. Another guy got arrested, HE SAYS, for dumping his wife's purse on her. "a little shoving...a little pushing." The biggest barrier to change, is all this denial, and minimizing of the abuse.
Truth. It starts with the dumping of the purse. It disrespectful. And it ends with physical abuse.
I’m so glad that this is the direction your comment took. For a second, I was scared it was going to be “he got charges for THAT?!”
@@snicksabea Constant, unrelenting coercive control.
Yeah, denial is a river in Egypt
Look at who is mostly leading the system: the guys who don't get caught because they abuse in ways that aren't as obvious as ohysical abuse. Or they are rich enough to silence everyone. These are their role models.
The excuses and minimizing is why they don't change... they're not fully admitting
It's a running theme in this type of interview. Kinda sorta did it...
At least its good they speak about it maybe they can learn to control themselves..
@shaka mata _ African pride very true
@shaka mata _ African pride Talking about your feelings and problems is the mature healthy grown adult way to handle it.. and if it doesn't work after talking about it and trying, then you leave.
@HL - Hombres Libres MGTOW yes you are right, I'm sure there's other things involved. Too bad it got so bad wish they had talked it out. So sad to see relationships crumble because of alack of proper communication. They're both hurt from it 100%
You can tell every man in that room has a problem with anger, ego, being overly confrontational and control issues
Exactly
I see plenty of pain and shame in these men. I have compassion for their pain.They would do well with mindfulness training: Vipassana, Insight Meditation, teachings of Eckhart Tolle. They’re wounded children who need healing from their own abuse.
@@sandrab601 read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That. The issues causing abuse aren't emotional or psychological, they are value-based and attitude based. Abusive men are entitled and misogynistic, not (statistically) any more or less psychologically troubled than the average population.
Yes and that’s toxic masculinity for you.
Mander’s, I am confused by your statement. It sounds like you don’t understand men. Why do you think that boys never get abused?
You can tell these men aren’t telling the full story of just how far their abuse went, knowing full well that they aren’t behind bars for simply “dumping a purse” on their wife or “throwing a remote across the room.” The minimizing, the denial and you can hear how much they’re trying to explain away their abuse. Until they’ve truly confronted the extent of just how bad they used to be, it’ll be difficult to get them to truly change. And, when it comes to abusers, it’s extremely difficult to get them to own up unless they’re on their deathbed or when it’s far too late to apologize.
“Intentions are irrelevant“ and stop minimizing what you did. 100% 4:00
He clearly meant for these situations only 🤦🏻♀️. After a dude hits a female, & in his case, hard, & more than once, the f is an intention? You're getting locked up. I remember being locked up w/ someone. She was a trustee & about to leave before I even got to go to court .. but she & her hubby assaulted each other so much, never pressing charges, she told me the state put them in there. I saw her go & then return back in no time. That lady had shredded ear lobes bc she just wanted cute ear rings. & He wasn't having it. She told me that story giggling. Some other 1s too but I don't remember them all
My father should be in this group but my mother never had the guts to call the cops on him. He abused 3 women in his life and still whines that he's the victim. Pathetic.
Why dont you call them?
typical narcissisist
Oh yes, reverting the aggressor and the victim. He complained about me behind my back to everyone around him, making me out to be an abusive POS while he was abusing me. In hindsight, he was making sure no one would believe me if I told on him. The pinnacle was reached when he hit me, I screamed, and he called the cops on me because I screamed, to have the cops hopefully arrest me because I was keeping the neighbours from sleeping. Can you believe it?
I rescued a woman from her violent husband. Gave her one of my houses to live in, gave her a car, gave her holidays and $10,000 annually. She reconnected with her violent husband and he moved into the house. I visited and he attacked me and when I called the police to get him out of the house…my house, she took his side! I eventually got them both out. They are my parents.
@@mayagreenafricaOMG I’m so sorry. Your mom is trauma bonded and a codependent. I’m proud of you for trying to help her. I’m sorry she isn’t ready to be helped.
These men think they own their families. They don't see people. They see their property.
Exactly.
Exactly
My stbx husband told me the other day that he is struggling with not "owning" me anymore since we separated and I filed for divorce. I made the right decision. They view their families as property 100%.
Slavery is illegal
That's been banned 🚫
I left an abuser last year and this is hard to watch. It’s like talking to a bunch of fully grown 11 year old angry boys.
Yep, this is exactly what it is.
You can feel the rage from these guys when they answer the questions or discuss what brought them there. I honestly don’t think any of them are fixable.
I thought the same thing as I watched this video. They're twisted.
They’re mostly not.
They're set in their ways. And they have leart that they can control others like this. I don't feel sorry for them at all.
They all minimize the crimes that put them there. They see the assaults and abuse as no big deal.
But at the end it says only 1/3 of them re-offend, so 2/3 of those men didn't commit a violence crime again. So doing the program is probably better than just walking around with a short fuse like before
I was in an abusive relationship for over 38 years. I was 17 when I met him. He would ALWAYS blame me for triggering him to hurt me. He was also verbally and emotionally abusive to me. He grew up in an abusive family. His dad abused his mom. He was bullied in school, but then became the bully. All he did was fight. My whole life with him was about fighting. Road rage, fighting with family members. Fighting with me and our 2 boys. I fought back and left him almost 9 months ago. I now have a restraining order on him and are in the final stages of our divorce. I'm a survivor. I only pray he gets the help that he so desperately needs. I thought I could fix him, but I couldn't.
We really can not fix other people. We can fix ourselves, though. And that is what you did! Stay strong. You can pray for him to get help while you continue to move on with your life. You are a SURVIVOR.
Sadly u messed up ur boys tho. At least get them therapy
@Wintersnow889 but at the end of the day....she did leave him🧡
Bless you sis, for all those tears that had fallen like rain...may the sun bring you rays of healing, peace & joy.
You made it🙌🌱🌿🕊
@wintersnow she didn’t “mess up” their boys. She left, showed the boys it’s not right and got them to a safe place. It’s really not easy to leave these relationships. Your type of condemnation without understanding or realizing that people (like her boys) can affect change in their own lives despite peripheral challenges will 100% “mess up” your own kids. Do better.
The facilitator is an extremely patient person. That would be a very hard conversation to guide. Kudos, guy.
David
David is doing good work.
Is he a eunuch?
Pointless. Utterly pointless. This type of man NEVER changes. Perpetual excuse making and framing as self as victim. Pointless.
I'm going to point something out.
It takes 35 times for a woman to finally report an assault. And only 1-2 assaults are reported out of that 35 times.
These men are far from innocent. They minimize the behavior and do not see what they did as wrong. Lundy Bancroft mentioned in his book that these men very rarely can be rehabilitated if at all. Its not to say people are hopeless, but people who are entitled to be abusive and controlling very often cannot change.
Wow...sad
Not true. My dad stopped abusing my mom in 1979. Never hit her again.
Flora Stewart Your one positive experience does not change a statistic. i’m glad that he stopped being an abusive husband/parent though.
Do u think it was minimalized b4 normalized
@@Splatria what stats are you referring to? Please be specific on what stats you're talking about.
it’s truly sad to see the lack of maturity and undeveloped minds of these mens
*That happens because of a lack of love.*
Men not mens
Grammar error but i agree.
@@alessandrorighetti21 more like boys, not men
@@themonicameza ok i agree
@@earlaweese wrong
Lundy Bancroft wrote a book called "Why Does He Do That?" Showing that therapy for abusers does not work because they end up justifying themselves and becoming more entitled. Maybe classes like this are more beneficial because they encourage the men to take responsibility, but I can only hope.
That is a good point and as an abuse survivor, I share that hope. I'm also a recovering addict who is so very cognizant of the fact that if I do not desire to change and then become brutally honest with myself about the things I must change in order to live a different life that I can be proud of and thrive in, then I will only perhaps stop using for a bit but the same underlying issues will still be there waiting patiently to rear their ugly head again and ultimately drive me to make the same decisions I've always made. I truly feel that people CAN change, even in the midst of court ordered "help," but they must desire to change on the very deepest level of their souls. I hope for the sake of the people stuck on the other end of the abuse, that therapies like this can reach the abusers and spark the fire of change within them.
Actually tho one of the things lundy bancroft did and talked abt in the book is create a program to try to get abusers to come to terms w the fundamental beliefs the belie their abuse
@@chloe7059 that is true. Maybe I should've been more clear, in saying that conventional therapy does not work
MythicalMelodies these are the same type of classes. Even the way they describe what they did, they use words like “but”. These classes make these men better at abusing.
ugh this book is good
These guys are only there because they HAVE to be , very different from seeking help because you WANT to change. They're just sorry they got caught
Some of them are there and they shouldn't be, such as the dad protecting his daughter from her grandmother.
*There are many abusers society just allows. There are different types of abuse. They just make it seem like physical actions is the only abuse and psychological actions aren’t abuse. There’s no such thing as torturing someone’s mind... that’s all a lie (when it actually isn’t). It just has to preserved as a lie so that people can psychologically abuse - it’s all about dominance.*
@@robc. well, take that story with a grain of salt. Abusive people have an alternate reality they operate from.
exactly
Omg, throw a remote, dump purse, wtf, this is bs
The cowardice, the lying and the denials of the woman beater is mind blowing.
Solange Boudreau till your woman starts abusing you and you can’t talk about it
@@harleywilliams6657 and when we do no one believes it, or takes it seriously
@@Acord718 , we need equality, I agree.
This misandry, misogyny is harming both men and women. Both have to be taken seriously
They don't change.
But do people really want to admit that
if you smack your children because they are misbehaving - you are teaching the young that the use of physical violence is a method for correcting misbehaviour. Then they have been taught to hurt others to get what they want.
He was defending his chil from abusive mother and he's their because it's his own actions women slap men all the time. A slap I'd about insult then actual Injury. Sh should be. Blame yes blame that woman
WHAT??? THAT MAKES 0 SENSE... IF AN ADULT SPANK A CHILD, THEYLL KNOW, IF THEY DO IT AGAIN, THEYLL HAVE TO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES...
@@paulsharp7857 right same thing to do to a wife. If she acts up just hit her and she won't do it again because she'll have to suffer the consequences
@@grndragon7777777 Someone should hit you to correct you and that thinking of yours. Hmmm I wonder when you will end up in prison?
@@WeatherMondacicci calm down. I was pointing out the fact that teaching children that this is the way you deal with people they will carry that on and treat people like that mainly their spouses
It’s always about what others are doing, never about themselves. They don’t take responsibility for their own behavior - which, by the way, my dad taught me was a key aspect of true masculinity. It goes with another key aspect of true masculinity: never lay a hand on a woman; only weak men do that.
Not even if she's killing your child or trying to kill your parents?
Don't lay hands on anyone unless they are laying hands on you
Self-defense is neccasary
@Alex Green , yeah.
Same. Only self defense and others' defense is allowed.
Let's not make this shallow and too extreme on one side
If you're a true capable man, self defense is absolutely fine against a women but you don't need to pummel them, a push should be enough or restraining them in such a way
💯 weak niigaz do tht shit
Homie must have a remote control with very very big batteries.
This dude is never going to change. He can't even take responsibility after being caught for the third time.
Such a bs story or his wife bruises extremely easy
I can tell he's a predicate violent offender. It's obvious as hell.
That's obviously not the whole story, or he wouldn't be in there.
“I threw the remote and the battery came out and hit her on the arm.” That abusive battery! Prison! 20 years! 🙄 come on guy you seriously think anyone believed that? Those guys that didn’t wanna show their faces are cowards.
It’s his third class for dv. He’ll never learn.
I know can someone explain the physics and angles of the remote, the battery, and the arm. Lol
@@Mimi-cq4bg negativity breeds the same behavior.
I refuse to believe that he was arrested for throwing a remote and a battery from that remote hitting his wife in the arm. How stupid does he think we are?
He thinks people will believe an AAA battery falling out of a remote caused a bruise.
The refrain of "I'm here because someone called the cops" illustrates to me how deeply violent our culture allows and guides people to be. I appreciate that these men are trying to change, and I wish it didn't take a court mandate to open up conversations like this about what is healthy and appropriate in interpersonal relations.
They're not trying to change.
Some are
I am literally dealing with this now- pushed, pulled, throwing and breaking stuff. Bruises and bumps- not taken seriously. It’s just a step away from a punch. I don’t put my hands on my partner- even in the worst times. I feel like the rage that I see is not taken seriously Bc I am not seriously injured...
So true! I’m a survivor of domestic abuse, today I am living with Dystonia and functional Neurological Disorder as a result of my head injury 🤕 his life continues 😓🙏
@@leahwarrior9753 i am sorry you're going through that
Some are too damaged to ever be able to recover.
I'd bet that every single one of these guys have acted like monsters behind closed doors & either they just don't realize how scary they get OR they're proud of it.
It's the only way they're able to feel powerful - by attacking someone physically weaker.
They realize what they're doing and they know the difference between right and wrong- they just don't care because they think their victim deserved it.
They're proud of it.
I want to believe some will change. People with personality disorders only change if they have extensive therapy and want to change, as a rule. The men ( and women) that have little or no ability for empathy won't change unless it meets their needs at the time.
@@bonnie3232 They don't change.
A psychologist friend of mine said that it’s really been proven that these groups don’t work to effect change because they just “learn” from one another and they learn how to not get caught the next time around. Hope it’s not true, but..,
Yeah that would be right...Only sorry they got caught and only striving to be better at getting away with it next time. Rot is rot. I'm facing reality from now on so this never happens to me and my dog again. I don't care about my teeth, my knee and the scars on my face or the damage to my throat, mental and emotional......I am angry right now for my dog, i'm sorry
Sorry that I ever tried to see the good in a rotten individual and it cost this much
Yep. They meet their soulmate at these things. I swear to God 👍😎
Abusers tend to like to hang out with abusers
yes, good point
The facilitator has the patience of a saint. It’s like watching a kindergarten class on “now kids, we don’t bully each other”.
😂 Amen a bunch of nutty kids lol 😂
Despite being convicted, they still try to deny being abusers. This is why they will never change. They need to grow up and accept responsibility for what they do. Their immaturity is pathetic.
But society is against personal responsibility. Why should this topic be an exception?
Seems like they need to figure out how to live a life of loneliness because they shouldn’t be trusted. They can’t trust themselves!
@@NanasRanch can't. That's anti human and defies basic instincts of need for socializing.
Some of these guys just can't understand NOT controlling their partners. They just can't wrap their heads around it - it is a personal slight and an affront in their heads for a woman to have autonomy over her own actions. If they can't control their partner, they feel like they are the victim.
I was abused raped abused all my life i refuse to do that to others stop the cycle
Grabbed her arm? Dumped her purse on her? Yeah… I’m sure that’s the reason you were arrested🤦🏻♀️
My exact thoughts!! Ffs they are lying! 😂
"violated a restraining order"... What was that for? Nothing?
Seriously they never think they do anything wrong and make all sorts of excuses or minimize anything they do. I’m sure if you talk to the wife, you’d hear a whole different story. You can’t change if you don’t take responsibility for your actions. Period.
It does constitute abuse because they see it as a threat for it escalating to something worse in future. A man doesn't have to brutalise the lady to be an abuser
A cop will take you to jail based off of a womans word 90%
Also, the guy who said he threw the remote and the batteries "fell out and left a bruise", what a POS, acting like that's all that happened as if that would leave a bruise.
I just don't think you can read away delusion, sociopathy, misogyny...
i think everyone is capable of change. no one is born evil.
@divyanshu pandey , it is included.
You really can't ignore it.
And yeah, male victims count as well
Many experts actually say that you cannot reform abusive men. Abuse is not a mental illness issue it’s a culturally driven issue. These men truly believe women were put on this earth to serve men and if she steps out of line and doesn’t give them what they want they have to “put her in her place”. I firmly believe that most domestic abusers deserve a life sentence because of the fact that they cannot change and will probably just wreck havoc on other women’s lives.
*No one hates women. The only people who hate women are single or sexless or oppressed gay men.*
@@rhsdevils1993 You're wrong.
I was never allowed to cry after his angry outbursts. I didn't see it at the time but it was ok for him to express his feelings in any way he chose, but not me. I was expected to remain positive at all times. The criminal justice system saved me and now I'm married to a great man and have never been happier. I suffered domestic abuse for 17 years but it has taught me to cherish the relationship I now have.
I was never allowed to cry either. I was trying to spin things and be the “victim”
This. He told me my tears were emotionally manipulative and he would not hear my crying any more. It’s like any time I felt sad about the threats he made to me he could not handle the shame of it.
How did you meet your partner? After that many years how did you build the sense and awareness to attract a healthy and loving partner?
@sweetspacesessions9813 It wasn't easy for me to trust another man. After a few months of dating I told him about my past and he was understanding and empathetic. Although we are very happy I do still get triggered by things he says from time to time, although this has gotten less and less over the years since. It took a leap of faith and bravery on my part to trust again and I'm glad I did.
I'm impressed the criminal justice system helped you at all.
My Ex hit me, he accused me of amping him up, I made him hit me! According to him.... I NEVER raised a hand to him. He would go crazy over the smallest things, misunderstandings in words being said the biggest thing. 😭 If there are any woman in a relationship like that, get out 💕
If there are any men in abusive relationships with women, GET OUT!
I needed this today. 😢 Thankyou so much. 💓
I never yelled, cursed at, taunted him. If I had a question he didn’t like or wasn’t always smiling, he raged. The last rage was for a small misunderstanding. It was surreal and scary to watch.
The worst part of being in a domestic abuse relationship was the gaslighting and emotional roller coaster. The abuse started gradually. There were good times in between the bad. But, once it turned physical, it got worse each time. By then, I was so beaten down mentally that I could barely function. I also suffered from numerous licks on the head. Even mild traumatic brain injuries can make it challenging to execute a plan getaway. Coupled with PTSD and not functioning as well at your job, you have strained family relationships because you have become isolated. The low self-esteem and self-blaming became a downward spiral. The abuse was definitely cyclical. Things went well for a while; then something would trigger the abuse, then the love bombing, supposedly remorse, and things would level out until the cycle started again.
I had left two prior times, the 2nd time after he shoved me down, kicked me in the ribs, then choked me. A few months later, I went back. He was willing to go to counseling and stop drinking for the whole nine yards. Plus, by this time, I was evicted from my apt. He scared the older people living g in the apartments because he would be seen stalking me and watching my apartment. ( yes, I had a restraining order) It was insane of me to go back. I just gave up. Inexplicably, I felt sorry for him also. When you are in an abusive relationship, you become emotionally ill. After going back to him for several months I thought things might be ok. But he started drinking again, and I could feel his rage building up. He was suspicious for no reason again and became controlling again. This time, I knew I might not survive another attack. I called a domestic abuse shelter and, left almost everything I owned and worked for, and lived in the shelter for several months. I may have lost my possessions, but I had my life and understood the cycle of abuse. I regained my relationships with my family. I have suffered from mild brain damage and severe PTSD. Almost ten years later, I can say I am doing well. It has taken a lot of work, but I am stronger for it. I hope this helps someone out there who is struggling in an abusive relationship. Seek help from people experienced in domestic abuse counseling.
The dude that violated the restraining order is the typical abuser. First of all, people don’t just get granted restraining orders without proof. And yet, he freaking violated a restraining order and acted violently and still thinks he did nothing wrong and blames the other person. They blame the other person, minimize their behavior and never take accountability for their actions. You can literally show them videos, photos of what they did and they would still feel that they are the victims. That is why they will never change.
They are literally so weak, you can see it on their face. They are so insecure with their fragile personas they can't even face their own emotions
Have you ever even tried to hold yourself accountable and be open abt your shortcomings? I bet you haven’t bc you seem to have absolutely no clue how difficult that can actually be.
@@Jakuboooooooooo truth
@@Jakuboooooooooothose are some major assumptions that you’ve made about OP.
@@JakubooooooooooI can list you all my shortcomings, it's really not hard at all unless, like OP said, you are very insecure and weak lol
It really is about weakness because they can control themselves in other situations. When it's a situation with someone who physically can't protect themselves they suddenly lose control? BS!!
I'm here commenting YEARS later. After a failed 9 years of marriage where I was emotionally and physically Abusing my at the time wife. Multiple jail stays and somewhere along the line I changed even just a bit. Now. About to get married again. And I have so many sleepless night. Stress filled and ridden with guilt at my past actions. Last few months I've felt myself getting that anger again. Over small stuff. Yelling and screaming. Borderline emotionally abusing. Idk what to do. I've had therapy. And I've been looking all over online for stuff gear specifically to the ABUSER THAT WANTS TO CHANGE. Be better. And there's basically nothing.
Choose your own happiness by being better. Spiral up by learning, reading, walking, exercise, breathing, etc. You don't have to forget but it is ok to forgive yourself. As hard as that might seem.
Honestly, I think your best option is to not marry again, at least not so soon and maybe live with the fact that you cannot get over your abusiveness and protect your future wife-to-be from being abused.
you go alone to the dessert without food or water, and stay there.
Maybe you need to not be in a legally binding relationship with another human being. I have paranoia, I will probably never stop having paranoia, I will NEVER bring another person into that without fully understanding they have a right to *leave* if they don't like it. There are some things we can't control about ourselves, no matter how much we try, the solution is to not then extend that control onto another human being, but to let them go. Love is not permanent, it is temporary, how temporary is up to you.
I am not an expert, but if you feel the anger then step out of that situation. Leave, go out for a walk, and walk until the anger passes. Also, if you were raised with violence, or experienced a lot of violence as a kid, go to trauma therapy. I feel like some of these guys (esp Grant) looks like he is caught in some sort of fight response and therefore lashes out in every situation. Yeah, he thinks he is the victim, because probably he has been the victim at some point and now he can't understand that he is doing the same to others. So if you want to change, you need to work on yourself and understand that, even if you feel trapped and you feel like the one who is being hurt, you are the one who is harming others.
It’s the minimizing that’s hurts the most. Acknowledge your wrong doings! My ex would look at me with my eyes black and blue. One eye had zero white, instead was red end to end due to ruptured blood vessels and would ask me to my face “ who fucked you up” Denied each time and said he would never hit a women and if anyone asks he’ll say I did it to myself. We have court coming up and they have him on 2 felony charges. He asked me to write a letter to the judge saying that I’m a drug addict (which I’m not) and that he decided to end things with me and Is the reason I beat myself black and blue.
Hey Leslie how are you? I know what you're going through and really would like to talk some more if you're comfortable? I'm on insta with the same name as my TH-cam profile name. Your comment hit so close to home.
pray that you are safe and stay away from him and such like him
NOBODY should hit ANYBODY, woman OR MAN, stay away from abusive men, you CAN'T change them, and the same goes for men who are with abusive women!
Stay strong and keep reminding yourself that YOU know what the truth is. Stay away from ppl who try to convince you otherwise. Set yourself free. Full power to you ✊🏻👊🏻🤛🏻💃🏻
Damn honey, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm in a difficult situation myself, and all I keep thinking is how bad is it going to get before I can escape this madness!? Getting cussed at, screamed at, name-calling, and then the physical shit started... They seem to go from 0-100 TOO QUICK! I am proud of you!!! I am rooting for you in my own personal hell.... YOU HAVE THE POWER NOW!!!! Do not help that man, please burry him in court.... Do it for me, do it for us. Please. Good luck to you. 🌒🌕🌘
They hide their faces because they KNOW damn well what they do is unacceptable and wrong and yet they still blame the victim!!!!!! Failure to learn from experience is the Hallmark of the sociopath, narcissist and psychopath. They say " I was abused" Well buddy,that don't give you the right to take it out on your loving family!!!!
Not the right, but it does explain a lot.
What they see is what they do
OP, well said. It’s like trying to talk to a wall because their brains are wired differently.
'I thought my mum was gonna pull my daughter's arm out her socket ' 🙄 my ex used to use outrageously dramatic language too. This guy here was trying to look like a good guy for defending his child
Yes. Exactly. Then he mentions that he has a restraining order...okay well he had to have that for a reason right? They don't give those out like candy. And he didn't even mention the slap. I was like, there it is.
All she does is... or, she was cheating...I think that people often think that abuse is excusable if the woman supposedly does certain things.
not really in the case of men, I`ve seen abuse from women being more excusable than in cases of men. What we know now is that domestic violence is reciprocal in many cases, and not the stereotypical one sided we don`t see videos of women abusers explaining their actions.
@@hatbat1234
Agreed. Feminism gave women the shield that they are angels and can do no wrong.
Some of those who are abused can be reactively abusive as well. Cheating, and rubbing it in your partners face is invalidation. Which is emotional abuse, which doesn't leave marks and the pain and trauma can last for a long time. Is reactive abuse okay? No of course not, but someone who is being devalued or is being sadistically abused will want to defend themselves. Sometimes people don't have the right tools to cope.
I found it funny, though. "She was cheating." Right, lets see Corey Anderson have a show of good faith and support her in that decision. LOL Ridiculous. My ex, on 2 different occasions _ASKED_ me to hit her. Of course I didn't, she was a fucking nut case. And.. She was cheating! She wanted me to hit her so she could file charges on me for retaliation because I made her feel so shitty about it. And RIGHTLY SO! No, I'm NOT gonna support her in _that kind_ of a decision. I left the emotional abuser, who, was a woman. On multiple occasions, I would tell her how the cheating made me feel like I was worthless. You'd think that the person would show compassion instead of smiling with glee knowing that it was hurting me. Or on other occasions she would ask about my mother who she knows is dying from ALS, who also knew I didn't like to talk about it because I told her _not_ to bring it up and again, _smiling_ because it made her happy that it was hurting me. Its sadistic and its sick. Was it okay that I would yell and scream at her and call her nasty names? Of course not, but reactive abuse is one way of trying to defend what little you have left of your self-esteem and self-worth. Its dysfunctional, just like she was, and it brought the worst out in me.
How about we not say that junk and give people the benefit of the doubt.
Feminism gave women a shield FINALLY after years of abuse with no action.
Mr Twister i totally agree with what you are saying, but it is never an excuse for physical abuse. You need to step back and let it go in those situations. Yelling gives them what they want, a reaction. you need to be calm, assertive and cold. Throwing hands or anything else physical, is a weakness and shows lack of self restraint.
@V.B Well, this is patently false and not backed by any current statistic.
www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/in_brief_domestic_violence_not_always_one_sided
How to know love vs abuse?
Love always respects the answer NO.
Control never respects the answer " NO"
Spot on
Consent is only valid if refusal is safe and accepted.
Abusers say NO when you ask them to behave better. They pride themselves on not being YES men.
All of these men were once innocent children. I hope our society can improve by raising children to take responsibility for their actions, and to teach that showing sadness or openness to emotions is strength, not weakness.
Most people that commit abuse were already abused or come from abusive parents, abusers are like a disease if you make a relationship with one and they abuse you they may turn you into an abuser as well this is not the fault of masculinity indeed most domestic violence is reciprocal and in no reciprocal the women are the abuser besides women are far more likely to abuse their children in neglect and emotionally, this particularly affects boys who are more likely to die for it, don't give me wrong i agree with you our society should be more open towards listening to male regardless is it view as weakness or not.
Society? Improving? Bwahaha get real
*No child is innocent. Everyone is born evil and only the best get away with it and are smart enough to abuse in subtle ways that can’t be perceived (psychologically) and end up being the same ones screaming “ABUSE!!! ABUSE!!! ABUSE!!!!” collectively with a group that knows no violence, but magically knows how to be violent. It seems like everyone’s an abuser. Everyone uses force - it’s just that most people get away with it because they ACT polite. Also, intuition is a lie because nobody has a baby and thinks, “This one’s going to be an abuser... I knew it the moment it came out of my belly”.*
Right. ONCE were innocent...
I promise to NEVER repeat the violence done to me
The amount of pure intelligence you have to have to manage this kind of group work I'm so impressed...
If you want a punching bag, BUY ONE. Don't get married!
wisdom!
Facts
@@mrtwister9002 One thing I have come to realize is that the internet, smartphones and social media have made it very easy for a partner to hook up with someone else (even while she claims to be with you). The second she is dissatisfied, she has immediate access to millions of thirsty willing guys and gals who will tell her whatever she wants to hear. I don't even take relationships seriously anymore these days.
Definitely cheaper to just buy a punching bag lol
Infinite IQ
These men seem immensely unhappy. It seems to me that they just want to release all that negative energy on someone, and they will target the closest and most vulnerable person near them.
You nailed it. For generations, society accepted angry men releasing their anger and disappointment on women and their families. Now women don't have to date/marry these trash-bag men and you're seeing an epidemic of single men and men releasing violence onto society. Women/children aren't taking the role of punching bags any more and these low-quality men need to find ways to handle their disappointment/anger
They are perfectly happy when their victims comply. They abuse because it gets them what they want. When they face real consequences, and when they lose their supply of victims, things change.
I hope that's not what you tell victims
I am a former Physical Abuser. The hardest part is forgiving yourself, and I don't think I ever will. The change inside my heart only happened once I took full responsibility for my actions, and stopped trying to explain the context. Everyone has a choice, and hurting someone else has consequences. Staying single for the rest of my life, and humbling myself enough to listen and learn, is where I am at right now. My name is in the dirt, and somehow that feels right. I know what I have done, and I regret it every day.
Hey, both of you.... that’s big, to fully own it. It’s grown. Rarely do people fully own their own issues, not just abusers.
A man I love but had to let go, and keep distance from has owned his actions. Fully. Is in therapy. Dedicated to it.
He was verbally abusive, also stalked me, gaslit. He left big wounds.
I’m healing but scarred. It made me more aware of how I hurt people when I was younger.
Stick to your wisdom now, I wish you both well from here.
Why were you abusing women?
@@God.sDaughter Because his life path differs from yours
Both of you men, as a child I was going after someone who put hands on me. As an adult, I changed. But I feel like people go to my past, but I am different now. I have trouble believing that you were not abused after seeing guys get abused in my life. Like you guys are not allowed to speak up for yourselves. Maybe there is such thing as sexism against men. Personally, I don’t know you. My experiences are different. We are all unique. I am sorry. You seem to believe you are angry
@@ericarice4588 Thanks Erica, I'm sorry for what you went through.
Really important what the facilitator said about minimising. Hearing these guys say "I just threw a remote" makes the behaviour sound isolated and one-off. When I was abused those things would happen, but they were part of a larger cycle and set of beliefs and behaviours.
Sounds like they all understate the physical contact. "Oh I grabbed her arm oh the batteries fell out and hit her arm" right you are not real violence.
Maybe they really did just do something small like that.
It is all it takes to commit a crime.
@DJ Warning Look behind his words. Why was grandma dragging the child? Because he was trying to snatch the child when he had a restraining order against him. They only tell a little portion of the story, to gain sympathy .
It probably came in more of a whipping speed
Grabbing somebody's arm can leave bruises & be very painful if arm is twisted behind ur back
“I’m not perfect” -Every abusive man
Leave before you resort to violence.
Some times they dont let you leave
Great comment, Carolyne!
They don’t want to. They want to be in control.
I would be dead if i left both nights & he thankfully moved out and left.
Now his actions are coming back around on him from other people’a reports of him and I feel wrecked because he might get put away & I’m just really sad about that. It’s not up to me. He tells people im crazy and lying.
For mad I may be, but I will never again be convenient.
Love what is eternal in them and work to become unavailable to the behavior.
My head & heart is really messed up months later still. I just want to be well again.
I’m leaning into the experience of it and trying not to repress it. Trying to be honest with myself. It’s very hard.
my partner acknowledges his bad behavior and says he’s sorry for everything that happened but after a whole year of giving chances the damage is already done. I can no longer trust him.
i was in the same boat. stayed too long, he almost killed me earlier this year. fucking heartbreaking and demonic. they literally don't care or love anyone.
That's sad that you had to deal with that and that they were not actually ready to be a healthy person for your relationship. I hope that you were able to move on from that and are able to find someone that treats you better.
Leave him.
Man these guys are liars. Ill tell the truth of my wrongs. I punched her in the face and I scratched her and she packed her stuff up and left. I went to rehab and changed my situation. I proved to her that I would never take a drink again. Now we are happier than we've ever been because I don't drink and smoke hard drugs anymore. These guys are weak own up brothers who are I. The same situations as these guys. God bless.
you a real man's man. Admitting your wrongs and correcting them big up yourself
God bless you dude I'm so happy that you changed not only for yourself but also for her
Wow. So it is possible. Thank you. Bless.
After I was accused and charged it is hard to own it, appreciate you shining the light on what is possible to move forward. I'm sober, attending counseling, got a better job, and happier. Owning it is difficult but definitely necessary.
Hey -- good on you and your partner! When my then-boyfriend got sentenced to a year of DV counseling, I realized I needed to recognize my part in all of it, too it was really hard, but seeing him go to class and sharing what he was learning helped me, too. We both had a lit to change but we made it. No more violence. We've been married going on 3 years now. He graduated the class in 2018.
8:24 he talks about how much he 'cared about the child' but wheres his respect for the WOMAN WHO USED HER BODY TO CREATE A CHILD FOR 9 MONTHS. hes okay beating up the woman
Abusers often use the children to hurt the victim or threaten to take the child to have more control over the victim. Truly evil to use children as pawns.
Grant talks about his case and you can see the injustice he feels and the anger he feels about it, and as the cocunsler gives him the tools, he softens, his face changes, and his tense body relaxes. He then starts to understand its starts with him.
What the teacher should have said was, you can't force your wife to stay if she decides to leave for the weekend with her bad friend, even if you disagree. You can take other actions like talking to her when she comes back or going to counselling or breaking up lol.
Your gorgeous as heck
SOUTHERN simp
@@abigmla complement ain't bad I was begging for her attention ect
Yes
I couldn’t listen to their lame excuses. I am a victim of DV. Those men in the video will never change.
i liked what the counselor said about minimizing because sometimes people don't realize how quickly the smaller things become dangerous or potentially fatal because of accidents etc.
Yup, just never ever ever ever ever ever wanna be hit again by a narcassist. i almost brutally killed myself. after being attacked so many fucking times you begin to attack yourself, trusting no one not even yourself as a victim its really hard for "normal" people to understand. it is beyond what words can describe, an absolute nightmare
to be abused by someone you loved, and would have NEVER EVER EVER in a million years done that to them
These abusers often minimize the level of abuse. My friend was choked and dragged by her hair, but according to her husband , all he did was touch her shoulder.🙄
5:30 we get to witness an abuser working himself up based on his own assumptions. Thinking stops.
Minimising what they truly did,they will never change.
Honestly these men look fairly reasonable to me, which tells me I’ve been in worse abuse than I realized.
Was thinking the same thing
I'm in the same boat. "Oh at least he only slapped her. Or threw something at her. Or screamed at them. Or intimidated them." and then I realized exactly what I felt. Its sad. Abuse is never okay.
Abuse can easily be normalized esp if it started in childhood
Keep in mind they are probably minimizing and not being honest about the real things they’ve done.
Yes- you have normalized it in order to cope
When these men cease diminishing their abusive acts-only then can they possibly change,and be redeemed
Sounds like the only first step that could matter. But when they have manipulative personalities, they first start trying manipulate the therapist or the people in the group sessions. Others are in denial.
men: 'we protect women, we earn the money and we're providers'
also men: 'i may have GENTLY tapped her on the shoulder, i dont really KNOW why i did that haha'
THIS!!!!
@@kirstendessner-sweeney5823 it these are certain people not Everyone does it
Doesn’t make it okay but doesn’t make it okay to generalize people
*Society: sexist on both sides. Society: loves to misinform.*
We should ALL be protecting each other, regardless of gender, women are NOT more special than men, men built society and died in wars to protect us, start respecting men!
Abusers do not change to non abusers
A person born without an arm, or lost their arm in an accident....... Is NEVER going to grow an arm. Once the first abuse takes place?
The arm is gone. It's that blank and white.
It's the abuse that makes them believe they are " real men" . It's never the target, or victims fault.
Never.
Remember, Men have their violence under voluntary control
I am 1 minute in and can't help but comment: these men are speaking of the ONE incident that lead them to arrest. I have a very hard time believing that there weren't prior incidents leading up to the one in which police were involved. I also have a hard time believing the offense was a simple as "grabbing her arm" or "dumping her purse on her." Also, the casual nature in which these offences are disclosed is ALARMING.
None of them are admitting to what they really did... or taking responsibility... so frustrating... Just like my dad. They're all like this... Ugh.
Yeah it’s the absolute worst. I’m so sorry.,
Grant seems about to lose his temper in this session too. His whole demeanor shows the fact that he kind of disagrees with his therapists.
none of them take accountability or feel bad, downplaying their actions. My ex partner jyst got sentenced to nearly 4 years, he strangled me unconcious and smashed my head on walls, threw a 10kg weight at my head, told me to hold my arms up so he could punch my stomach. And i loved him, but i chose my life. Men like this basically never change, my ex partner didnt even say sorry or feel bad, just blamed me.
It wasn’t until I was 39 years old and entered my first AA meeting when I learned two valuable lessons. First, I must learn to unlearn. And number two is it is not them, it is me!
Both of those lessons have brought sobriety to my addictive self and my deep anger. Thanks be to God, I can now step back and see my fear that cowers behind my reactionary anger. Also, I can look at ME first and not what the other person is doing when my anger rises. I have not mastered this, but it comes to mind faster than before my first AA meeting. I now examine why the issue is making me mad and upset; what is it touching that causes internal pain?
Life is a work in progress, which we have to work at to actually enjoy life, in my opinion.
"A battery fell out and bruised her arm."
Ok mate.
The way they tell the story of the abuses are so minimal it makes you question if they even feel guilty or emotions. If there’s a police report there is clearly a HUGE incident they don’t arrest people and report things for fun or make belief.So why can’t these men see their problem of violence.
Not true remorse anyway.
They truly don’t care that’s why.
@@CatgirlWinegirl I agree with you. Also love your profile pic, your cats are so cute ❤
Everyone is allergic to accountability...
They also need men who abuse their wife emotionally, verbally, psychologically, legally, financially etc to also do this classes. It seems that society is still only focused on physical abuse as if someone has been a victim when in fact all of the rest of the abuse is just horrific if not more horrific then physical abuse. Coercive control needs to be looked at more seriously. In Australia it has just come into law and will not be implemented until 2025 for it to be a serious crime, yet there are hundreds of thousands women experiencing this abuse right now without any leg to stand on legally.b
You articulated my experience. These are the aspects that people, even trained professionals in the field don't realize...
I'm two years out of it. And everyday I choose to act - to live in defiance of his dictates... I tremble each time, but I *BOLDLY* force myself into the waging battle of reversing the brainwashing that leached my soul.
Men need to stop the violence against women. Y'all really need to stop and hold yourselves accountable!
Women need to stop the violence against men as well. But you're not ready for that conversation yet.
@@MichaelBrown-zp1sf I agree with you totally but this was not the place to comment that
@@bloodonmytongue5408 a woman I know was sitting in the backseat of her and her husband's SUV with their daughter who was an infant at the time. They had a disagreement about some trivial matter and while the father was driving on the interstate she took her foot and kicked him in the back of the head while he was driving at probably 65 mph.
@@MichaelBrown-zp1sfthis video covers men’s involvement in DV. Idk why there are so many guys here who refuse to focus on the topic and deflect with the “What about women??” statement.
@@EH_888I agree. They used to call it Whataboutism. More men abuse women than women abuse men. Women abusing men is a different subject for a different time.
I'm a female with a temper, and I can only imagine what I would be like if I were a male with the same temperment, just a more powerful body and voice. I don't physically act out when angered; I scream/yell/. I think these groups as shown in this video are interesting because there are so many of the men who can't/won't even admit they have a problem.
Even If I try and tell myself to control my yelling/shouting it happens so quickly like a switch without an "in between" spot. Even though I can recognize when it might be likely to happen and try to either end the conversation or de-escalate my feelings, it still happens once in a while. I don't think most of these men will ever change without intense therapy and medication, which I am getting for myself because I realize my behavior is not normal, acceptable, or conducive to happy living .
That guy is mad about his wife smoking pot but he’s not mad at himself for abusing her. What an idiot
Using Violence on someone definitely is NOT cool.
@Nether Bound , why?
Really the government uses violence on people every day.
I mean if its in self defense it should be fine
*People do that all the time and get away with it; they even promote violence and engrain into the minds of youth that have never been exposed to violence before. Nobody is violent by nature. Nobody is born violent. There are no violent babies.*
@@earlaweese you'd be suprised
We need more men of integrity in this society.
Abusers know abuse is wrong, they just don't think they are abusive
The ego defenses of these guys is strong. They can't be wrong or admit fault or mistakes. They rage and use violence to compensate for tbe shame and sadness they're stuck in from childhood. My mother and two exes were this way. It really is tragic but they can't be "loved" better
They deserve none of this sympathy
You don't get to hurt people and try to make people feel sorry for you
They need to experience 1 for 1 the pain they cause
It’s called prison
Maybe they have.
They're typical narcissists. They hurt others and then they act like the victim.
I appreciated how the counselor said don’t minimize it.. even small acts of anger and violence. Something I noticed about my Dad and brother is neither of them take accountability for things. There is always an excuse or blame on the other person to validate their actions.
I hear no emotion or remorse in any of their voices.The only reason they are there is because they have no choice and who they feel sorry for is themselves.
Why do so many guys refuse to take responsibility for their actions? Stop making yourself into the victim. I believe people can change but you have to want to.
I wish the very best to all the guys in the program. Utilize your tools that you learned in the class. You can do it guys. Peace.
*They don’t have to take responsibility for their actions.*
The tools I've learned after owning it and going through counseling is this: The counselor knows the victim is hurt but the aggressor cannot shoulder all the blame, that's because there are many forms of abuse. The victim is usually verbally or mentally abusive to the physical abuser. This doesn't constitute hitting one another but it also speaks to the victim isn't allowed to get away with verbal/mental abuse either. It is next to impossible for the victim to realize this because the courts are certainly not going the help the physical abuser. Both parties need counseling, usually anger management. Shining light on the issues with the 2 people together get the most positive results. Hence why you get counselors involved, trained professionals.
That's weak... I didn't even start talking as much ish until I gave up on the idea. Not just him either. The Idea of him, us... Cutesy time over! & According to some comments, or just truthfully, everywhere... Looks like some females def put up w/ more. But for their cases, 🤔💡 somehow getting more abused, while those females are even doing less. Regardless, that's really what's not fair. I'm gonna fight dirty or they could just simply walk away@@kuhlman76
I was never physically abused by my partner and the father of my son. But the mental and emotional abuse inflicted on us both was terrible. If the car got a flat tyre, he wouldn’t speak to either of us for 3 days, I remember he mucked up a recipe for carbonara, same result. His moods were unbearable. He rarely helped to care for our then two year old. We both worked full time for the police in Australia and one morning he flatly refused to get up to look after our son who I had bathed, fed and dressed before I went to work. So that was it for me. I lost my effing mind! Told him to be out when I got home from work the next day and I had our son minded by his Nan and after work he and I stayed with my mum. I came home the next day and he was gone, but then the stalking began. It got so bad one night that I had to ring work ( the local police station) and they physically ordered him out of town and followed him. It was embarrassing because of course everyone knew but they were all on my side as no one liked him. He has been a crap father and it has been 9 yrs since he has bothered with his only child. Just thinking of him makes my skin crawl to this day and it been over 32yrs. I have since learnt that he was gaslighting me but I didn’t know what it was called then. I actually detested him at the end, before I made him go. And he knew that he could lose his job as a copper, and that everyone knew what he had been doing to my son and I. He makes me sick!
I’m only 30 seconds in; all I’m hearing is a bunch of excuses 🤦♀️
That’s all they will ever say... abusers only have excuses for their behavior and even blame the victim, they don’t want to take responsibility for what they did and when you stand up for yourself, they get offended.
I’m sure female offenders say the same thing.
I wish this was a series. I think the families input and account of the men's behavior should be highlighted and taken seriously, to emphasize that you can't trust an abusers account of their abuse. I would also like to see more exposure on how men treat women outside of their family, especially at work.
I'm an adult woman (27 years old) and i grew up with a emotional and physical abusive father and until this day he keeps being abusive.
When i visit home he behaves the same way he use to when i was a little girl.Impulsive,aggressive and raging, capable of exploding on any moment.
Last time i was there he almost throw a broom at me.I have very little hope(almost none) about him being able to change his behaviour.
Is saddest me to say this but i think my father is going to die as an angry and ranging man,he just doesn't want to give off the fight.
I'm sure Grant's story went more like: he had a restraining order, he showed up and tried/threatened to take the child, his mother tried to drag her to safety and he beat her up.
Nice try though, pal.
it's incredible to see how some of these men blatantly twist not only what they did but also the words that the counselor said, it took less than 10 min of this documentary for that to be shown. You can also clearly see how the counselor is exhausted of repeating the same thing over and over again, that guy only "understood" what was said after another abuser said the same thing to him.