Why People Choose Someone ‘Lesser’
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 ก.ย. 2024
- Were you replaced by someone ‘lesser?’ Love Advice shares the payoffs (and tragedies) of trading down in romance and life: #ChoosingLess #TheLesser #Insecurity #Control #BreakUps #PartnerSelection #DatingAdvice
Vera writes, “Hi Susan! Thank you for all wisdom and clarity you bring. I would love it if there was a live show on why people choose someone lesser. You did a brilliant video on that and it would be awesome to hear you speak about it more with q and a. All the best!”
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Susan Winter is a leading relationship expert and love coach who has helped over 5,000 people find, and keep, love. She’s a bestselling author (Older Women/Younger Men, Allowing Magnificence, and Breakup Triage) specializing in evolutionary forms of loving partnership and higher thinking. Susan writes, speaks and coaches on dating issues, relationship challenges, and personal empowerment.
Internationally recognized as a thought leader in her field, Susan’s 950+ top tier media credits include:THE OPRAH SHOW, THE NEW YORK TIMES, THE TODAY SHOW, GOOD MORNING AMERICA, ABC EVENING NEWS, THE LIST SHOW, BBC NEWS, ITV NEWS, TALKTV LONDON, CNN HEADLINE NEWS, ABC EVENING NEWS, FOX NEWS, CNBC, COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE, HARPERS BAZAAR, MEN'S HEALTH, FORTUNE, FORBES, BUSINESS INSIDER, PEOPLE MAGAZINE, NEW YORK MAGAZINE, EL MUNDO, THE LONDON TIMES, MUMBAI MIRROR, IRISH TIMES, THE TIMES OF INDIA, and the THE IRISH EXAMINER. In radio, Susan is a frequent guest on NPR, ABC, BBC, and CBS NEWS RADIO. Public speaking includes keynotes at the WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM, THE INTERNATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH FESTIVAL, and the CORE CLUB NYC. Her Podcast, 'The Susan Winter Show,' can be heard on Spotify, Apple Music, and Amazon Prime. www.susanwinter.net
They choose someone who can't see their bullshit.
I strongly believe this is the mindset of severe avoidants. And it's not even just about your looks, personality, achievements etc... It's about your emotional depth, capacity to be vulnerable and emotionally intimate. That terrifies them because they know they aren't on the same level, and being with you comes with the unspoken pressure to actually show up in a real way, which many of them either aren't willing to do, or don't know how
A gorgeous man who was smart and emotionally balanced pursued me. I was intimidated by the fact that I didn't think I could keep up with him. Therefore, I thought that he would eventually leave me. Then I saw the woman he married. I know her from my past and she is a little less than I am. Still pretty nice though. That's when I knew that I should stop sabotaging myself and went for my husband when he pursued me. So yes, it's true. Sometimes we choose someone else who we think will be a safer choice.
My mother found a wonderful man at age 62. My dad passed 17 years ago, my mom thought she'd be alone for the rest of her life, she did not look for a new relationship. It happened that her colleague in the office liked her for years (same age)! Long story short, they are like teenagers now (pink cloud), moving in together, travelling together, being their for each other... my mom said she would never, in million, have thought it could ever happen to her. :)
But even when we have the conversation upfront about what we’re looking for, and they agreed they want the same thing, values, blendable lifestyles, schedules, etc., I always find there’s a current girlfriend that was on her way out or an old girlfriend that’s still in touch that I’m never told about. I don’t know how many different ways to ask if there’s still somebody in their life. So disappointing to be eight months into a relationship, on both counts, only to find out both still had somebody they were either still living with or talking to every other day.
Yes, and if you encounter a sociopath narcissist, they will use the data you share to mirror and fool you (happened to me). My way around this will be to be acquaintances for a long time.
That’s why you have to do like you would if you wanted to try a new restaurant , buy a used car , or hiring someone to do a job for you. You find out about them before you invest.
Yes. That is exactly how this guy was, too. Current girlfriend on way out and old girlfriend that was still in touch. Also mirroring me.
I think no matter how "perfect" or much of a good catch you are/think you are, it doesn't mean that person has to be with/wants you.
I totally agree. Not every match is in the same place in their lives to have a relationship.
This is why you go with the person who thinks you're a catch and stop wasting time with those who don't appreciate the great things you offer. Meeting my husband taught me to never want anybody who doesn't want me back. If I even get an inkling that something is off, then he is "out". The man who wants you will never put you in a confused state.
This is true. Years later when I saw the woman whom he was in a relationship with for years after me - albeit it was miserable and he finally broke it off - she was much, much, much less than I was. It also turned out that he wasn't quite in the league that I thought either. When I knew him, he had just graduated law school. He was a respected public figure in the community. His first girlfriend was known to be physically attractive, although the town slut (not my label, the town's label - I never knew this woman). I really thought that I didn't match him. Anyways, 20 years later now I find out that he never had much of a law career - actually not very good at all. He was never financially stable or even had a home, etc. Meanwhile, I totally blossomed. I got married, had beautiful children, bought a gorgeous home in an upscale neighborhood, am highly-respected in my community, and not to mention, HELL YEAH I AGED SUPER WELL. People think I'm 20 years younger than my real age. When we were together, I was only 22 years old and he was 31. I was still in college and working a dead end job just to make ends meet. I was broke, basically just a kid with no wisdom, etc. My husband saw me for who I was and the potential I had. I am the woman I am today because of my husband, who is also the same age as this man. My husband is more stable than this guy though. More mature, more financially secure, more emotionally balanced, etc. Also more handy, wiser, educated, technologically savvy, etc. Everything! So yes, this man ghosted me for someone much less because his first girlfriend cheated on him and with me being 2 steps above that woman sans cheating, he was too vulnerable.
Good stuff, Susan. Haven't listened in awhile since I've been enjoying the single life. But this was a nice reminder of how much wisdom gets crammed into these live streams.
How sweet of you! I’m happy to hear that you’re enjoying your single life! That’s simply fantastic!!
My ex told me he had to think a lot more (than with his other exes) but on the other hand, he told me I was the shortest person he'd been out with and also I should dye my hair. Certainly learnt some lessons here 🙄 In the end, I chose me!
Someone dictating to you, is controlling.
This comparison to exes isn't healthy. Good decision to choose you. Quality, the pickings are slim.
I’m so glad that he is your ex now. No person should try to shape you into something you’re not or made you feel invaluable. Your worth way more! ❤
@SusanWinter Love you Susan 😙
I've heard they choose lesser so they don't feel so bad about leaving that person later. Or if it doesn't work out, they feel they wouldn't lose much.
There are many reasons but it ultimately comes down to how you value yourself and your worth
I always always chose men i thought wouldn't leave me and every single one has left me in the dirt! Im into fitness and dance and i always chose drinkers for some reason😂And reflecting back i probably never showed my best side or made a proper effort. This is valuable stuff susan, thank you!! ❤🙏
Is this about ladueschoosing men ir both sexes...i think traditionally a man chooses someone lesser most rimes but fate eg qh8le at school or wirhin a workplace u could find someobe eirher od same cakibre atteactive..mens ego means its very hard gling for someobe hifher but qhere tbe age dispaeuties sometimes a ykunger pwrson is ibtrifued by someone okser ie highwr up in lifee...what do u think??
It seems that you have identified a pattern even if you don’t know the reason for it just yet. Thank you for watching and I’m glad that you found it helpful! ⭐️
Off topic I know, but I love your eye makeup here Susan, and the pink colouring is just so good!
That’s so sweet! Thanks for noticing!
OMG! You’re so funny! “Disposable like a razor blade. Use it 10 times…”
Thank you for watching!
I love this live!! :* First time on your channel, it was so beautiful!
Thank you for joining!!! And welcome! ❤❤❤❤
Love this episode, full of such great advice and talk scripts!! Thanks Susan ❤
Thank you for watching and for your kind words!
Thanks Susan, just seeing this. Bravo 👏. I so appreciate this video.
Thank you for watching!
58:25 can you do a video about when you find out someone is just not that in to you, but you thought/feel there was a sincere meaningful connection? When your stuck ruminating while the other has moved on without looking back? When you can’t get over the disconnect between what you felt there was, and what there actually was or might have been?
First red flag was that I was asked if I was a “player.” They came on very quickly and heavy handed, but I am someone who values consistency, authenticity, and character. Someone who can show up again and again and remain present and honest with themselves and choose to share their presence. Not someone who crafts and puts up a beautifully ornamented facade that is going to crumble down the second they begin to lose interest, energy, or change their mind. Turns out they were much more of a player, because despite me being very slow, careful, and attentive I developed intense feelings, while they moved on mostly unaffected.
Choose because you want somebody. Thank you.
Good paint job. Sending you a big hug.
I know exactly what I want in a relationship (exactly Susan: write what we didn't like in a relationship and make a list of "wants" by stating the opposite). Yet, I'm aiming for acquaintanceship. At minimum, I want someone who has plenty of time to engage with me and who has a high need for discussions.
If I meet such an acquaintance, there's no need to hurry for a relationship. I will have plenty of time to see who this person is and what makes them tick.
(I was fooled by a covert narcissist / sociopath by my tolerating lack of truthful, transparent, deep, meaningful, interesting *two-way* discussions.)
It’s great that you can identify exactly what you currently want and need ❤
This is what I'm trying to avoid. He want to rush things but I'm 60 so.......just not wanting another failure.
@@SharlaMontgomery What is he trying to rush?
@@coach_amy marriage but I strongly suspect sex is the goal. I don't think he's been with a woman 20 years.
@@SharlaMontgomery Wow, that's a long time (did he tell you why he hadn't had a relationship for that long?). If you hadn't met him, how long would be your ideal time frame to "court" before getting married?
Missed the live. Having difficulty in a current relationship and not sure if this happens to everyone or not. Early on he said he wanted a relationship and now we are living together. I feel he would spend more time communicating early on - more effort. He is away for work most of the week. He says the change I'm sensing has nothing to do with me, he's trying to work on certain things for our future. He does communicate every day but some days it seems more connected and other days more distant. I can't put my finger on a specific issue. Therefore I don't have a specific conversation I feel we should have. I'm doing some relationship coaching because I know I have some issues from past relationships that were toxic, narcissistic and dysfunctional. Some days it feels like the greatest relationship ever and sometimes I'm not so sure. Anyone go through this. We've been having sex and living together for a year.
Fantastic subject matter, I've been on both sides of the perceived power struggle.
❤
Excellent podcast, Susan.
thank u dear Susan.
You’re so welcome!
💯💯💯
Great theme, Susan! Yaaaay
❤❤❤❤❤ thanks!!
It's only too late to date or find love when your dead!
Missed the live. Love to paint. Looks like you did an awesome job, Susan! Why do people choose lesser…. I can only assume because the “pickins” are slim. 😂
The pickings are slim for quality.
People choose lesser for a variety of reasons but more often than not, it’s because they don’t see their own worth ❤
Lol I'm 60 the picking are SLIM 😂
Ok, off to the player videos I go
Susan's Player videos are excellent! Defines them accurately.
This deserves way more likes and view
❤❤❤ Thank you! Feel free to share!
I have met a nice man. However im not in the least physically attracted to him. I'm 60 should i just go for it since I'm so old?