The Very Forgetful Attorney General
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 ต.ค. 2024
- The Attorney General Jeff Sessions still cannot recall all the things he can't recall.
Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel HERE: bit.ly/ColbertY...
For more content from "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert", click HERE: bit.ly/1AKISnR
Watch full episodes of "The Late Show" HERE: bit.ly/1Puei40
Like "The Late Show" on Facebook HERE: on. 1df139Y
Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter HERE: bit.ly/1dMzZzG
Follow "The Late Show" on Google+ HERE: bit.ly/1JlGgzw
Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram HERE: bit.ly/29wfREj
Follow "The Late Show" on Tumblr HERE: bit.ly/29DVvtR
Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS.
Get the CBS app for iPhone & iPad! Click HERE: bit.ly/12rLxge
Get new episodes of shows you love across devices the next day, stream live TV, and watch full seasons of CBS fan favorites anytime, anywhere with CBS All Access. Try it free! bit.ly/1OQA29B
---
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via CBS All Access, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.
Okay, if your memory is that bad, you are clearly not capable of being the Attorney General due to your senility.
David Reeder exactly, I wonder why no one at the hearing said that
I had the exact same thought!
Actually one of the Representatives DID suggest he have a brain scan! After the hearing, in an interview.
With his memory I'd make a better AG, and I'm not even qualified since I'm Canadian.
David Reeder thank you. Like...wow. just wow. Either you are lying and covering up OR...you have memory issues. Neither should afford you anymore time in this position.
But this is the era of trump. When he did recall an incident he couldn't recall the details...
Jeff Sessions saying "I don't recall" a few dozens times isn't doing him any favors.
I'd guess it's probably his only recourse at this stage, though.
Guilty
He's only going to make things worse for himself if the truth comes out later, if he ends up being guilty and he was lying this entire time, people will fuckin bury him
I am not a lawyer but it's probably a little late for that. I think that if he would have started to tell the truth at this point he'd still be, as you say, buried. The lying he (probably) did prior to this is in my opinion more than enough for that.
Literally all I could think about is this
th-cam.com/video/EYgi5MyMqCs/w-d-xo.html
i hope this whole bullshit strategy of not recalling anything somehow ends up biting him in the ass, the irony would be oh so sweet
Its obstruction of justice so he will probably face a treason trial for it, if proven guilty
No, he will face a treason trial if he is prosecuted. Then he will be proven guilty (hopefully) in the trial.
Gauss24 He says it so he can’t be called an outright liar. If he admits it, it’s bad, if he says something didn’t happen and it someone proves it did, it’s bad.
Legally it is both ironic & funny! Same Senator Elf during Sec. Clinton's Benghazi testimony also stated that she didn't recall to many questions & if the 'intent' was to mislead, HE said it would amount to a perjury charge! Well played & best new 'drinking game' yet! Peace.
What about the time Clinton said she could not recall 40 different times? th-cam.com/video/iue58UOWM6I/w-d-xo.htmlm58s
The entire Trump campaign appears to be so afflicted with amnesia that there is simply no way they can do their jobs effectively
Trump Jr has the best memory cause he keeps spilling the juice
Krombopulos Michael
Maybe we get saved by their "weird recalling" when suddenly they can't "recall" the code for the nukes.
Xeno Idaltu lmao
Good point, maybe they should retire.
Lucky we have you, Krombopulos. ;) You know what to do...
Rumor has it that if Jeff Sessions ever admits to a lie, he'll turn back into a voodoo doll
Sassy Potato That's a good one. I wonder what trump will turn back into? A toad, probably.
You have to guess his real name Shhhh it's Rumpelstiltskin
😂 (dead)
I do declare that I do not recall a worse period in American history within my lifetime...
I declare the same thing it is such a shame
really, so slavery and lynchings and civil war, not as bad?
I do not recall anyone here being alive during the time of "slavery and lynchings and civil war."
Grant Wallace 😁😁
Stein's Domain They said within their history, not all of the USA history. Duh
How did America go from Obama to this circus ?
Eddy CHERESTAL It literally drove those racist bastards crazy that an African American was President.
Crystal Meth is cheap.
#Racism !
+Rob Vollat
Obama did not simply choose not to try for single payer because his "donors" didn't want it. That reveals a lack of understanding of what was going on during his first term. He knew the republicans would never go along with it, because they practice sabotage politics. The entire theme of the Obama presidency was about reaching across the aisle and building bipartisan support for programs that can help all Americans. He consistently worked towards that for 8 years, ironically, to the detriment of the left. You can't build bridges with people who want to burn it all down. The 2016 election was proof of that.
Things are significantly better under Democratic control vs Republican. Even the thing they try to tout as the feather in the their cap - the economy - has done objectively better by EVERY measure under every single democratic president since WW2. The republicans have not practiced fiscal conservatism for years.
Eddy CHERESTAL Half of Americans voted for it. Simple.
Senator: Mr Sessions, who do you work for?
Sessions: It's 'whom', and I don't recall.
It is? Man, I can't for the life of me ever know how to use whom or even whose.
Cop: Santa was attacked with a sharpened spoon in his workshop.
Sessions: I don't recall that.
Cop:He says you were working there at the time.
Sessions: I don't recall.
Cop: Santa said the attacker was one of the elves in the room with you two.
Sessions: I don't recall that.
Cop: He says one of the elves there chased the attacker away and saved his life.
Sessions: Now that I've had time to think on it I have a recollection of the event where I pulled the assailant of Santa and I also stopped the bleeding.
Eddie Panedi it made perfect sense and its funny
Eddie Panedi - having listened to this testimony it does make sense - and it is funny -
Sessions - I don't recall - - I don't recall - - I don't recall - - I don't recall - - I don't recall - - I don't recall - - I don't recall - - I don't recall - - I don't recall
then re: papadopoulos - oh I recall being very clear with him...
*off
I'm gonna read this again on Christmas morning
or too much time on reddit - isn't that what they do - upvote?
Its like catching a kindergartner in a lie, all they can think of to get out of trouble is to say they don't know.
I've seen 8yo kids better liars than Session.
Jerricola 🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏
Wow, Beauregard Sessions is even creepier when he smiles! 😝 If his memory is so impaired, he's unfit for office.
Selective memory? AKA lying.
miapdx I agree. If a math teacher forgets how to do addition, subtraction, multiplication, division ect. That teacher is clearly unfit for the job. Sessions is clearly unfit to hold such a high position if he can't remember. He's lying. And we all know this
miapdx aka you can't trip up an attorney general
It takes so much to send these people to jail where they belong, but anyone else would be rotting in jail right now
SuperXrunner You are correct Sir! And I am being serious, unlike Stephen’s funny bit.
What did we expect? They put special rules for themselves specifically to protect them from consequences, and made sure it comes out of tax payers' pockets if they ever needed a bail out.
This means only two things: either he’s lying out his backside or he’s grossly incompetent. Regardless of which, he should resign immediately!
It is both.
The "Good day, Sir!" part was very John Oliverish :D
Ironically Sessions has "Honorable" abbreviated before his name in front of him
That's pretty ironic for sure, he has no honor at all, neither is he able, whatever the F
"What's that abbreviation before your name stand for?" "I don't recall."
markyncole Orris Is it a typo for Hun?
I can't recall what I was going to comment.
Where are we? What are we doing here? And why is Matlock no longer on tv?
I don't recall what my reply was, but to the best of my recollection I told you the exact right thing. That's for sure. Good day sir!
You made my day Hahahahah
Cool new meme, but I can't recall what it was.
Ben Laurance me all the time ....exept i cant recall most of them...i cant recall why im typing
From being _a house elf,_ to becoming _US' Attorney General,_ Dobby has come a long way.
if only he didn't again fall in with a wrong crowd...
does that make him... the white house elf?
Pretty sure he’s Kreacher, not Dobby
Sidd Joshi Hey!! Don’t disrespect Dobby! That’s Kreacher. Not all house elves look alike you know!😂😂
Sidd Joshi and we all know what happened to Dobby he ended up buried in the dunes
Is there any legal consequence for doing that? Like obstruction of justice or something? It's just ridiculous
Gleb, to find him in contempt would be a good start. Somebody else here mentioned perjury. That also fits.
On Trump and Jeff Session I quote "The trouble with lying and deceiving is that their efficiency depends entirely upon a clear notion of the truth that the liar and deceiver wishes to hide." - Hannah Arendt
" No man has a good enough memory to be a good liar". - Abraham Lincoln
“Are you an Elf, Mr. Sessions”
“I do not recall”
Its all that cocaine on the Northpole
Konstantin Krastev I don’t recall *sniff loudly*
He and Trump must have been sharing a batch during the election.
It has made them forget a lot of stuff. I demand we start a war on the Northpole and the elves, it's obvious that they are junkies, drug dealers, and bad ombres.
Crooks and criminals, the whole rotten bunch
What do you do with a guy like this? Are the committee members just going to hear all that BS and do nothing about it?
Saddest children's book ever: "The Elf Who Had Alzheimers"
"I don't recall having a brain, I just do what my master recalls me to do while calling me to recall"
Remember Sessions' previous Senate hearing? Went exactly the same. Bloody liar.
Lynxpoot tt
No wonder he isn´t recalling so much...
...a evening with russian Wodka is a hell to remember...
Greetings from Germany dear Americans, don´t give up! Idiocracy will go by!
Keep smiling;)
by the way: No humor included...i´m German, i´m not used to it!
I had a period of struggling with alcohol abuse drinking way too much vodka every evening, also work in the night life and each work night meet plenty of people but I can recall each such night and the people I meet just fine, let alone if they were to be foreign dignitaries or otherwise people of wealth and means.
As far as I understand my contemporary American politics this is just the sneakier version of pleading the 5th.
sevenprovinces Die you ever spend some time with russians drinking? Believe me, they know how to make real Party...i visited St. Petersburg twice and Moskau once...and I'm pretty sure i would have colluded, awesome Party.
But i would have also married a Dog, saled my kidneys, would have danced with the Bolschoi and so on.
And Look at Sessions...He could swim in a Wodka shotglass. Poor tiny Fella...
Actually yeah, been to both St. Petersburg and Moscow once, incidentally in 2000 when Putin just got into power and that was that whole disastrous year with the burning TV tower, the dramatic hostage situation in that Moscow theater and the sinking of the Kursk.
I ended up having one night of heavy drinking with a deserter of the, at the time, Yugoslavian army under Milosevic and for sure couldn't keep up. Had some practice since though :s
sevenprovinces So do you have all your kidneys left :p
Russia, lovely people, horrorbil country...
KumaBran 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
'Alternate Total Recall' A facetious remake , starring Jeff Sessions.
Monologue Order:
1. The Very Forgetful Attorney General
2. Donald Trump Jr. Wiki-Slides Into The DMs
It's lying without outright lying and we still haven't found a meaningful way to make politicians honest. Testifying under oath just makes their lack of recollection legitimate non-answers.
trefod It is up to the committee chair to compel Sessions to answer questions. Republicans are complicit and hope they pay at the ballot box next November, but not holding my breath.
In the distant future:
Teacher: Alright class, who remembers how the Trump campaign was able to get away with colluding with Russia? No one? Alright, I'll have to pick someone to answer. You, what's the answer?
Student: I do not recall
Teacher: That is correct
...
Sessions was really pathetic during this hearing, instead of giving an answer he was all "I don't recall" which later on he can bend all he wants into a "now I recall!" to serve him or his master better.
and that ladies and gentlemen is a modern first world country *sigh*.
Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't get the note?
USA is not considered a developed country any more.
I laughed so hard!!!! Stephen you're killing me. This old dude needs to retire. If he is senile I don't see how he can be Attorney General. He is a liar and a bad liar at that.
Total don't Recall - starring Jeff Sessions
Secretary of mischief! 😂😂😂
Honesty has become an endangered species
Isn't he under oath? So much for perjury.....
Unfortunately, it is only perjury is it can be proven that he does actually recall and intentionally stated otherwise.
@finris1 Damn these legal loopholes these assholes get away with.
he's under oath.. which is the reason he cannot recall
Exactly. Politicians learned that you can't simply deny things anymore after Bill "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" Clinton. It comes back to bite them when the truth comes out.
I think he's choosing the least liability he can get.... He prefers to damage his reputation than to later be found guilty of perjury (but this course of action also implies that the allegations are dangerous enough for him to do this kind of thing).
Tony Rebel said it best in his song I Can't Recall.
"Well ah new fi lie when question ah ask,
Bawl out, I can't recall!
Memory move out down south for a walk,
Bawl out, I can't recall! "
Just incase someone doesn't understand because of the patois.
"Well a new way to lie when questions are being asked,
Cry out, I can't recall!
Memory move out down south for a walk,
Cry out, I can't recall!"
Does no one recall IRAN/CONTRA? That tactic has worked before, if I recall.
Eddie Panedi --- Sessions is F'ing lying, and his and Trump's lies will catch up to them, eventually.
Unless the thieves and scoundrels of the GOP Congress shield them, like they have been.
Love the homage to John Oliver at the end.. "GOOD DAY, SIR!!!"
"I do not recall, I dont even know you people... where am I?" - Jeff Sessions
Immediately after Colbert says "collusion confusion", Jon plays the riff for Stevie Wonder's "Contusion" on the piano. Noice.
Secretery of *mischief* OHMYGOD I'M WHEEZING 😂😂😂
I do declare!! This is one of Stephen's best!
Total "I do not" Recall...
Oh what a tangled web we weave when at first we practice to deceive.
Don’t be too tough on Jeff Sessions, memory loss is a well known issue with elfes.
wooster "Elves" Spelling is a thing you know
I am not a lawyer but clearly from this session we have learned that is wise and legal to say "I don't recall or I don't remember" certain events in your life to spare you from any type of legal prosecution.
Thank you for the tips and tricks Jeff Sessions!
"ANSWER MY RIDDLES THREE!"- Jeff Sessions
SNL is gonna have fun with this one
A good day when regular people can use lines like that and get away with it! Can't wait for that day to come.
I love you man, Stephen Colbert
Colbert makes a really good point at the end.
I don’t recall is and always has been their answer.
If you're sat before congress, and you say "I don't recall" twenty nine times. You've clearly done something wrong.
I cannot say I can recall or have any recollection of how many times I can't recall.
Clearly this man is suffering from the beginning stages of unspecified dementia. Someone get him a CNA and a geriatric neurodegenerative disease specialist
I don't recall what I remember to not remember of that recall
Funny, when I was an executive, and now as a small business person, I always took careful notes in meetings, and I would fire anyone who "couldn't recall" and did not have notes to refresh their memory of what went on in meetings.
"Glenn, our biggest client says you promised to sell him seat licenses for our software at 50% off in your last meeting. Did you do that?"
"Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Doyle, but at the moment I do not recollect if I ever made such a statement."
"Check your notes."
"As a rule, I don't keep any records of the goins' on in meetins'. I hate to git tied down thataway."
"You're fired."
I don't recall being able to recall much of anything but I assure you that I can recall most things unless I can't recall.
Stevie Wonder “Sir Duke” lick at the end there. In the right key too.
'I do sincerely believe...I say, I say I believe...' People actually talk this way? I'd be hard-pressed to withhold my laughter in the vicinity of such company. Doesn't Roy Moore speak this way too?! What's up with these people?
The man sitting behind Attorney General is soo confused, was he thinking "who farted¿?"
You can tell Colbert loves the opportunity to imitate a fellow Southerner. He loves his Southern culture and is secretly fond of Sessions
LOL - Love the eye-roll the woman behind him does at 2:22! ;D
The looks on the faces of the people behind him are JUST HILARIOUS. No one can believe this load of BS.
The collusion confusion! priceless!
All the good that we had in your memories,
What ch'yah say, I don't recall
I don't quite understand what his "mother" seems to be doing. She's like his puppeteer hovering in the background everywhere he goes?
and why does he look the same age as his "mother" was she 12 when she had him?!
In his defense, the closer it gets to December 25th, the harder the instinct to travel north to his polar homeland to make toys is to fight... and that effects his concentration.
New Message Are these toys filled with nails?
Rumor has it that Jeff Sessions auditioned for the lead part in the movie Total Recall but was turned down for the part because he couldn't remember his lines.
Your congressmen are incredibly patient. About after the 10th "I do not recall," I would have ordered him to be put under a concussion protocol, such as what the NHL and NFL have. No more Mr. Attorney General until the symptoms disappear.
You have to applaud the committee members for keeping so calm; I am afraid I do not have that kind of patience. I would have called sessions a liar to his face and demanded his resignation. How some of this administration can look at themselves in the mirror is beyond me.
Stephennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!! I'm over here holleringgggg! I love you! I'm ROTFL! "Secretary of Mischief!" "I don't recall." Not write them on his hand! Stop this madnesssssssssssssssssssssssss! LOL LOL LOL I'm about to pee my pants! LOL LOL
"Guy who knows a guy." That accent was hilarioussssssssssss! LOL LOL LOL LOL
It makes me fondly remember Oliver North testimony. He also had no recollection of events. Funny how that happens so often in these investigations.
I like the lil Sir Duke that John threw in there
Sessions literally said he doesn't recall the meeting he had with Papadopolous but he does recall telling him not to represent the campaign like that because of that meeting.
Holy Hell it makes me head spin thinking about it.
Getting old doesn't look like too much fun but I believe I'll enjoy the hell out of saying whatever I want and blaming it on my bad memory.
reminds me of "clear and present danger" where ritter teaches jack ryan the correct phrase to use in the congressional hearing: i don't recall, senator
Anyone remember Alberto Gonzalez? Dubya’s Attorney General said the EXACT SAME THING to Congress about 10 years ago and totally got away with it. 😵
I love Stephen's Sessions impression 😂
Sessions sounds like a Peter Gabriel song lyric: "I don't remember, I don't recall, I have no memory of anything at all."
Total Recall
The Colbert Game: Trying to guess the order of the monologue just from the titles of the videos
Give that man a CAT scan! 😂😂😂
“Good day sir” at 3:38 🤣🤣🤣
2:11 Cracked me up so bad when he forgot to go back to being himself
"I don't recall" classic Jeff Sessions
"Sir, does that piece of paper on your desk have 'I don't recall' written on hit numerous times?"
"I...uh... **glances at paper** I don't recall"
The Sessions Identity
The Sessions Supremacy
The Sessions Ultimatum
The Sessions Legacy (played by Prison Jeff)
I DO recall: Stephen Colbert is the super smart, super smart King of late night! And Stephen grew up in South Carolina as I recall, so he's well familiar with southern politics :p
Session being briefed by is team prior to the hearing:
"If telling the truth would be harmful to you or the GOP you must reply with the statement 'I Do Not Recall', people will clearly see your lying but in legal terms you'll be covered".
2:12 when Stephen almost forgot to bury his SC accent XD
Can’t believe these people are “running” our country! Sad state we live and accept in.
This... how the fuck is all of this even real?
Bad stuff happening, sure, that's unfortunately normal. But this just seems like an unrealistic, over the top movie that doesn't take itself too seriously. It's laughable until you realise that it's real.
2 Stevie Wonder musical references! Priceless.
Jeff Sessions in -Totaly No Recall.
Colbert is just nutty.
I love it!
"I don't recall" and "Not that I'm aware of" are code for "I'm guilty as hell and lying my ass off"
"I got collusion confusion!" LMFAO
A southern man mimicking the southern accent..that's a new thing.