Thank you so much for making this video. I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself in fear that others are going to be upset with me if I tell them how I really feel about their behaviour. So I just remain silent and let them say whatever they need to. Then I carry those statements with me for days, also carrying the uneasiness of not answering assertively. I will try to put you advice into practise!
Gosh, why are we like this? And why did I marry someone who has such a strong personality? I'm glad tho because I need someone with my husband's strength. He tells me "I never know what you're thinking!!" But when I DO try to share my feelings, he somehow turns it around to me. For example "I wish you would spend more time with daughter/son" and somehow it turns out into how I spoil the kids, I never take his side when he disciplines the kids, etc ugh so this is why i just shut down and don't say anything. 😑
Identify: Describe the situation as accurately as possible without blaming or criticizing anyone. Simply describe what happened and how it made you feel. Verify: Check with the person who offended you if that was their intention. Ask them if that's what they meant or what they were going for. Accept: Once you receive their response, accept it without further explanation or justification. This puts the person on notice that their behavior has impacted you in a certain way, and it is a powerful and appropriate assertive response.
I just watched the 2nd half, too. Equally useful. I will be rehearsing and studying these lines until they become 2nd nature. Wow, you’re nice. Subscribed. Grateful. All the best, Dr. Paul.
yes, I heard this so many times. Almost nobody I know can hear that I felt disrespected or left aside by their words or actions. They snap back at me talking about how they felt, how they did so much more or so much better, how wrong are my feelings or that it has nothing to do with them. I say OK, but I feel like a loser every time, cause they load the gun again for another shot. My feelings don't seem to matter, maybe only as a supply of appreciation for what they do or are. Cause I give them that easily, but I only get the sours.
Having the choice on when to be assertive or not is the healthiest. For example for sure a person would not be wise when trying to be assertive to someone carrying a gun while waving it around. Not the time to express your snake clubbing on the head powers right away. First you have to identify the weapon being waved around carelessly. Then you have to accept that the person waving the gun around always has the advantage of surpirse over you. Then and only then after accepting reality in step 2 can you verify with someone else around who is healthy enough and with enough resources to help in the situation better than one person alone calling the counter shots.
Thanku so much for this video..would love to see more videos on assertiveness ..u mentioned the identify ,verify .accept rule when someone do potshot in front of us..but what to do if they do at the back in absence of me n later i came to know from 3rd person or get the outcome from 3rd person unhappy behaviour of this backbiting then what to do?? Plz reply
Most people do not confront the person but you can just say, very calmly and warmly, hey, I heard about this. Is this what happened? The person will either deny that it happened or they will make an excuse. Either way, you have a chance to have a conversation and they typically won't keep it up. Hope that helps, hina bilal.
What about when they respond by GASLIGHTING? They will often say that they were joking or that your just being really sensitive. Whenever I've tried to stand up for myself there is a woman who calls me a drama queen. I'm not a drama queen by any stretch of the imagination, but someone she has convinced everyone that I am.
Regina Semenenko, you are never wrong about what you feel. If you feel that something isn't right and stand up for yourself, then that is what needs to happen. Be firm in your belief, calmly and then you will be able to respond, not react, in a calm manner and everyone will see who is full of drama.
I know EXACTLY what you're experiencing. xxx I did what Paul said and told my mother ''when you did xxx, you hurt me, was that your intention'' without blame, just very factual, and she has responded by throwing herself up on the cross, minimising the hurt she caused me, maximising the ''hurt'' I caused her(telling her that she hurt me) lying to my brother telling him she'd tried to make amends. She has told him this but not DONE IT and she won't talk to me directly. So now my brother is judging me for holding a grudge because he has been told that she tried!!! I feel like assertiveness is not allowed in my family of origin. They have demonised me and mobbed me. If friends treated me like this I'd walk away.
I used this last night in a situation where an event triggered me into a feeling of powerlessness that I remember feeling when I was a child. When I used identify verify and accept I had a miraculous outcome with the person who spoke to me afterwards apologizing and explaining in a very caring way what was happening with him and thecbackground of his words. It was a very healing moment. The real healing came when I talked to my mom about it afterwards and realized the depth of what had happened and where my powerlessness feeling came from. Thank you so much for this tool. Keep doing what you're doing, it's great work!
I love to hear when people add to their toolbox. We can practice strategies and use them to help us in our relationships. Thank you for letting me know, Tia Turnbull.
This is valuable information. I read a book on a similar subject that had a lasting effect. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Identify and express your emotion after describing what triggered it. Verify with other person who offended you if that was their intention. Listen. Accept their response.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV How can i answer back when someone accuse me what i didnt do? do i as well first thank or explain what really happened in method you explained?
I can see how identify-verify-accept would help develop empathy. Kids & teenagers don't realize what they're doing might be less than kind unless we let them know. I'm also learning the power in saying "ok" and leaving it at that.
Yo, what’ s up Doc? Just wanted to say thank you for this video. I needed this training on how to reply to pot shots about 45 yrs. ago - I’m a magnet for abuse due to being a short white male...so anyway, yeah. Better late than never. Look out haters, I’m ready for you now, b*tches! LOL. God Bless & Peace.
Give them the three second stair. I like to think of it as a game of: chicken or a staring contest (Who blinks first). Street term grandmother's stare. Ask the question. Then hold eye contact. This is based on the "still face experiment" look it up on TH-cam.
Dear Dr Paul i want to tell you how amazing tips you gave us to everyone who listen to this video and this really helped me to think about certain things and that s why i thank our Lord for you for helping us that other can learn from you that you share your talent that others be confident may our Lord bless you and your family everyone who listen to this video by intercession of Blessed Virgin Mary and Saint Joseph help you in your work Amen I want to give some interesting bible verses about this to Judging Others 7 “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2 For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and [a]by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how [b]can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. 6 “Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. source bible getaway www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A1-6&version=NASB1995 Here explains very well about judging just as you helped us that we should avoid Romans 12:10-15 New International Version 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Proverbs 21:23 Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble. (This is good for me first then for others and as well where you talked about to make distance and stop point with words i belive this is perefect example) Next Proverbs explains about danger of our words Proverbs 12:18 ESV There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 15:1 ESV A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Here s reasons for our words why should we keep it away as you to explained why its bad to use them here bible explains its definition Ephesians 4:29 ESV Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Proverbs 18:21 ESV Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. (Great example to be carefull with our words i my self need to learn today to keep my mouth away from this and this video helped me to remember this hope that everyone who read will be helpfull to Amen) Source for bible verse www.openbible.info/topics/hurtful_words
Well you are welcome, Clover Fois, however I hope you have learned what you can do to not be a punching bag. You deserve better. Honored to have you at Live On Purpose TV.
Me, too, Clover. Somewhere along the line I stopped being able to "show my teeth". My sisters took notice and have been steamrolling me ever since. I've got to end this. I hope your situation has improved!
I am having trouble with a clinical instructor who keeps talking to my other classmates about me...she also talks about my other classmates to me. I really am not sure how to combat this. I want to talk to her about it, but I am not sure if she will receive it or if it will make the clinical experience worse. I feel if I said to her, "Did you intend to offend me" she will take me saying that, offensively. I have ten more weeks till graduation and don't want to feel like my stomach hurts even thinking about going to clinical.
I want to be more assertive, but people just keep interrupting me, and talking over me as a guy. Then I have to speak louder and interrupt them, and I feel like I'm not going anywhere with it
What do i do when that toxic person starts to "be nice to me" and i hace to talk back like nothing happened. This happened to me when i was pregnant. All of a sudden they want to be nice and think i have forgotten about all the sh!t they said to me. I f#king hate this because now im just waiting for the next insult after i gave birth and now i have to be all nice?! This toxic person is my husband's famili so i have to keep seeing it! Help i want to let it go but it keeps happening and now im like im mever getting over this!
Set your expectations. When you talk to the person you will know exactly what they are going to say and then you can say to yourself, "Yep, I knew it." Try to be amused by the person. It is not easy at first, but can become easier. Hang in there, Lola Spain.
Violette 玫瑰, it may not come as naturally to you as it seems to for others, but practice makes progress. Try to remember the steps in this video and practice whenever applicable. Thank you for watching.
This sounds good advice that could work. Very occasionally in the future, I will put somebody on notice rather than being careful to be nice(r) to them. Ha, that just sends out a doormat alert I think. I have to listen to this clip again and make notes on the order to say these things so I get it right, not half right! I read a book about assertiveness which helped me a lot. It was called ''a woman in your own right' by Anne Dickson.
Just listening to Pamela Jett now/ omg she understands female bullying very well. My colleague DOES exclude me with witnesses. So. Summing up. Make the hidden obvious. Own it. I'll say ''It sounds to me... '' (my interpretation is ...) I usen't to know how to do this without coming across paranoid or confrontational. But a yes or no question is genius. '' Am I welcome to come too?'' (yes or she exposes herself). If it's a denial of a dig, and she says ''no'', accept the answer ''ok''.
I should've been more assertive with my boss when she belittled me. She was upset I had signed up for a one-person shift because, to be honest, I'm kind of a slow learner who does much better with a helping hand. She said she didn't think I could manage alone and was all "I've told you not to sign up for shifts by yourself, I've been very clear about that, I don't know how much clearer I can get for you to listen" (something like, that, so I'm not perfectly quoting her), and she told me I need someone there to give me instructions and guide me. Her stern condescension really upset me, and I'm mad at myself for not saying something to show her how I felt. I should've said, A. "Well, the thing is, if we keep me away from a shift just because of an _assumption_ about me, we won't know what I'm capable of, and that's just not practical thinking. You know the old saying, _You never know till you try_ B. "Well...don't you think if you're gonna say something like that, you might as well just say I'm incompetent and unintelligent?" (In a mellow voice to avoid sounding rude or passive-aggressive.) C. "My family always taught me to be self-confident and believe in my abilities." Can't argue with that, unless you want to tell the person you disagree and _don't_ think they have it in them. Maybe I _should_ show her signs of self-doubt, to show her I've accepted defeat and given up. Maybe she deserves that feeling of guilt.
John, I'm not sure what to say here, you admit you are a slow learner and had been told not to sign up for shifts by yourself. Do you think she may have been a little frustrated or feel that you weren't listening to her and the experience she has acquired? Think about it for a minute from her point of view. Her tone might not have been kind and this could be a learning experience for you both. Next time, tell her you think you can handle it and ask what she thinks.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Think about her point of view? She didn't think about _my_ point of view when she belittled me. She didn't come to me to apologize for hurting my feelings. And that's why I am NOT letting her near ANY of the Special Ed kids we're serving next week; the university's Disability Services is using our ballroom to educate potential enrollers, and I don't think I should let my manager talk to them, after what she said to me. She had no faith in my abilities, and now I have no faith in her respect for people in my position. We gotta stick together; bigots who don't understand or believe in us are the common enemy.
Hello Dr.Paul, I really like this one. Tried to practice the assertiveness, but got the expected responds: ME: you know, X, when you say _____ to me, I feel really disrespected. Is that your intends? X: and how about you? You think YOU are being respectful to me? When I get things projected on me, should I say..............."thank you for your feedback, X" ????? Thanks.
In Pamela Jett's model, the response would simply be "Okay". In this context, it would be a way to acknowledge that they didn't really answer you. That's probably going to puzzle them and they will insist that you answer, whereupon you could say, "X, I shared with you that when you say ____ I feel disrespected, I simply want to know if that was your intention." Broken record (for those who even remember what that means).
People like my husband and my daughter probably laugh at these kinds of videos. Like, they probably think "you just say it and that's it!!" LOL they both have very strong personalities, very assertive, quite overbearing. They're good hearted and kind when they want to be. But boy, don't get into an argument with them. I try to say how I feel and it ends up back to me, like it's all my fault. GRRRRRRRR
Love this! It is much better than the typical DESC script because it eliminates the need for thinking about an appropriate "consequence" and follow up. This is simple and it can be done on the spot, without having to plan or ruminate about the "best" way to approach an intimidation tactic. Thank you for this.
Oops, wait.... I spoke too soon. You later describe explaining the "desired outcome". That amounts to "consequence". Nonetheless, I still like the approach you present here because it breaks up the technique. This is good. I will keep watching your channel for sure. Hope to find something for teens/ children in school who are dealing with MUCH! The "system" is really not helping the victims to reduce the conditions of victimization.
I don’t know...in my culture who states their feelings is seen as week, “I feel disrespected “ answer: who cares?” Did you really mean that?” Answer: of course, why would I say that for? . Ok ( if it’s ok , next time it will be worse :(. )
M aD, maybe there is another way you can communicate this, that fits within your culture? It's important to stand up for yourself and be firm, all while being forgiving of others' imperfections. Thank you for being here on the channel. We do have more videos that you may find useful in the Positive Relationship Resources playlist: th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPA410uJ9woXx9B9WiPyM7fX.html.
Another great video! Oh how I wish I'd been assertive with one certain person almost nine years ago exactly, it would've changed so many things about her and my lives. Thank you!
3:00 rolling the eyes is a micro expression of contempt in America. Contempt is when the muscle next to one or the other nostril twitches upward. In America is usually a company with an eye roll.. this is according to you Dr.John Gottman of University of Washington love lab Fame
'This made me feel X. Is this what you intended?' Now imagine your narcissistic semi-psychopathic boss tries to bully you. They want to make me feel X. I won't let them have it. However, I got a good piece of advice once - try to point out, how their behaviour makes them look in eyes of rest of the workplace. I think your formula might work if you say it in front of other people.
Start with appreciative statement. I appreciate that... Acknowledge the status quo. I am grateful for... Say the desired outcome. Would you consider/ would you
I loved this and actually tried it with my teenage daughter - but when I got to the part of acceptance- and i accepted she then accused me of being passive aggressive - lol- now what? 🤪 I just left it . I hope that was the right response.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV People love to make you feel guilty. If it was your job to make dinner, and you made it, then that should be the end of it. If the other person complains, that is their problem, not yours. Ley them make their own.
Thank you so much for making this video. I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself in fear that others are going to be upset with me if I tell them how I really feel about their behaviour. So I just remain silent and let them say whatever they need to. Then I carry those statements with me for days, also carrying the uneasiness of not answering assertively. I will try to put you advice into practise!
Please put them into practice, Hermetic Kitten ASMR, you don't need to carry things around for days. Deal with them and move on, you got this.
Gosh, why are we like this? And why did I marry someone who has such a strong personality? I'm glad tho because I need someone with my husband's strength. He tells me "I never know what you're thinking!!" But when I DO try to share my feelings, he somehow turns it around to me. For example "I wish you would spend more time with daughter/son" and somehow it turns out into how I spoil the kids, I never take his side when he disciplines the kids, etc ugh so this is why i just shut down and don't say anything. 😑
@@texastea5686 I can identify, maybe not exactly but my husband has a strong personality too. It takes practice to speak our minds! Good luck 👍🏻
hope your doing great now
Identify: Describe the situation as accurately as possible without blaming or criticizing anyone. Simply describe what happened and how it made you feel.
Verify: Check with the person who offended you if that was their intention. Ask them if that's what they meant or what they were going for.
Accept: Once you receive their response, accept it without further explanation or justification. This puts the person on notice that their behavior has impacted you in a certain way, and it is a powerful and appropriate assertive response.
Good recap. Going through the steps puts a whole new spin on the situation.
I just watched the 2nd half, too. Equally useful. I will be rehearsing and studying these lines until they become 2nd nature. Wow, you’re nice. Subscribed. Grateful. All the best, Dr. Paul.
Thank you for subscribing, Robby Earl. I have thoroughly enjoyed connecting with people in the TH-cam Community.
If I try this approach ,The first thing that the other person would probably say is: you're too sensitive. You get offended so easily...
bluebird, that is avoiding the topic and I would point that out.
yes, I heard this so many times. Almost nobody I know can hear that I felt disrespected or left aside by their words or actions.
They snap back at me talking about how they felt, how they did so much more or so much better, how wrong are my feelings or that it has nothing to do with them.
I say OK, but I feel like a loser every time, cause they load the gun again for another shot. My feelings don't seem to matter, maybe only as a supply of appreciation for what they do or are. Cause I give them that easily, but I only get the sours.
Thank you so much!
You are welcome, Liz S.
More people need to see this is good!
Tony Moze, I agree, please share with others you think would benefit.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV *salutes*
"What kind of person does that?"
My mother in law 🤨
I will try this method !
Umm Osayd, hope it helps.
Umm Osayd the real reason I’m here listening to this video lol
I like this method, however, I'm confused because disrespected is not a feeling. It's a perception.
We get our emotions from our perception so we want to change that.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV so maybe I can go straight to the question and ask if their intent was to be disrespectful?
Having the choice on when to be assertive or not is the healthiest. For example for sure a person would not be wise when trying to be assertive to someone carrying a gun while waving it around. Not the time to express your snake clubbing on the head powers right away. First you have to identify the weapon being waved around carelessly. Then you have to accept that the person waving the gun around always has the advantage of surpirse over you. Then and only then after accepting reality in step 2 can you verify with someone else around who is healthy enough and with enough resources to help in the situation better than one person alone calling the counter shots.
Frances Bernard, thanks for watching.
This is awesome!
Thank you, Michael Zhuang. Glad you enjoyed the video.
Thanku so much for this video..would love to see more videos on assertiveness ..u mentioned the identify ,verify .accept rule when someone do potshot in front of us..but what to do if they do at the back in absence of me n later i came to know from 3rd person or get the outcome from 3rd person unhappy behaviour of this backbiting then what to do?? Plz reply
Most people do not confront the person but you can just say, very calmly and warmly, hey, I heard about this. Is this what happened? The person will either deny that it happened or they will make an excuse. Either way, you have a chance to have a conversation and they typically won't keep it up. Hope that helps, hina bilal.
What a fantastic video.🙏
Thanks S P - glad you're here. DrPaul
What about when they respond by GASLIGHTING? They will often say that they were joking or that your just being really sensitive. Whenever I've tried to stand up for myself there is a woman who calls me a drama queen. I'm not a drama queen by any stretch of the imagination, but someone she has convinced everyone that I am.
Regina Semenenko, you are never wrong about what you feel. If you feel that something isn't right and stand up for yourself, then that is what needs to happen. Be firm in your belief, calmly and then you will be able to respond, not react, in a calm manner and everyone will see who is full of drama.
Gaslighting! Toxic, get away from that person asap and a other job.
At 6:35 in the video "mom you're so sensitive..." sounds like what you are describing. Seems to have worked out well in this example.
I know EXACTLY what you're experiencing. xxx I did what Paul said and told my mother ''when you did xxx, you hurt me, was that your intention'' without blame, just very factual, and she has responded by throwing herself up on the cross, minimising the hurt she caused me, maximising the ''hurt'' I caused her(telling her that she hurt me) lying to my brother telling him she'd tried to make amends. She has told him this but not DONE IT and she won't talk to me directly. So now my brother is judging me for holding a grudge because he has been told that she tried!!! I feel like assertiveness is not allowed in my family of origin. They have demonised me and mobbed me. If friends treated me like this I'd walk away.
I used this last night in a situation where an event triggered me into a feeling of powerlessness that I remember feeling when I was a child. When I used identify verify and accept I had a miraculous outcome with the person who spoke to me afterwards apologizing and explaining in a very caring way what was happening with him and thecbackground of his words. It was a very healing moment. The real healing came when I talked to my mom about it afterwards and realized the depth of what had happened and where my powerlessness feeling came from. Thank you so much for this tool. Keep doing what you're doing, it's great work!
I love to hear when people add to their toolbox. We can practice strategies and use them to help us in our relationships. Thank you for letting me know, Tia Turnbull.
I have plenty of opportunities daily to practice these techniques 😆! Thanks so much for giving us these tools!
You're welcome Aim B'Yisrael - so honored to be on your team! DrPaul
Yeah, we are lucky to practice this fine art !
🤣🤣🤣
'Oh so we're going to eat again the them thing than last week.'
'You're right !'
End of the problem !
Aquarius, lucky they get to eat every week.
I’m tired of being mocked at and being a laughing stock to my family. Thank you for the tips, I’ll be using them in my next confrontation.
I sincerely hope they work for you, _ Malkn. You deserve respect. Thanks for watching Live On Purpose TV.
So how did it go?
I would have said that If my son had said that how about you cook for the next month If you think you can do better?
Puts them on the spot?
Andrew Dodds, probably would create some gratefulness. Love it.
This is valuable information. I read a book on a similar subject that had a lasting effect. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Thank you for sharing.
Identify and express your emotion after describing what triggered it.
Verify with other person who offended you if that was their intention.
Listen.
Accept their response.
mikespace RS, sounds simple, but simple is not always easy.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV How can i answer back when someone accuse me what i didnt do? do i as well first thank or explain what really happened in method you explained?
I can see how identify-verify-accept would help develop empathy. Kids & teenagers don't realize what they're doing might be less than kind unless we let them know. I'm also learning the power in saying "ok" and leaving it at that.
Agreed, it can be very powerful.
Yo, what’ s up Doc? Just wanted to say thank you for this video. I needed this training on how to reply to pot shots about 45 yrs. ago - I’m a magnet for abuse due to being a short white male...so anyway, yeah. Better late than never. Look out haters, I’m ready for you now, b*tches! LOL. God Bless & Peace.
It is never too late, Robby Earl. Thank for watching and being open to the message. You rock.
This sounds great IF you remember the right words to say at the time. It dosnt come easy when you feel Tence.
Jean Placanica, you are right, it takes practice.
Brother Jenkins! You are absolutely amazing and so loved! ❤
Thanks, A Tiny Spark. Glad to have you at the channel.
Give them the three second stair. I like to think of it as a game of: chicken or a staring contest (Who blinks first). Street term grandmother's stare. Ask the question. Then hold eye contact. This is based on the "still face experiment" look it up on TH-cam.
It can be very effective.
Dear Dr Paul i want to tell you how amazing tips you gave us to everyone who listen to this video and this really helped me to think about certain things and that s why i thank our Lord for you for helping us that other can learn from you that you share your talent that others be confident may our Lord bless you and your family everyone who listen to this video by intercession of Blessed Virgin Mary and Saint Joseph help you in your work Amen I want to give some interesting bible verses about this to Judging Others
7 “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2 For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and [a]by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how [b]can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
6 “Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
source bible getaway www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A1-6&version=NASB1995
Here explains very well about judging just as you helped us that we should avoid
Romans 12:10-15
New International Version
10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Proverbs 21:23 Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.
(This is good for me first then for others and as well where you talked about to make distance and stop point with words i belive this is perefect example)
Next Proverbs explains about danger of our words
Proverbs 12:18 ESV
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 15:1 ESV
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Here s reasons for our words why should we keep it away as you to explained why its bad to use them here bible explains its definition
Ephesians 4:29 ESV
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Proverbs 18:21 ESV
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. (Great example to be carefull with our words i my self need to learn today to keep my mouth away from this and this video helped me to remember this hope that everyone who read will be helpfull to Amen) Source for bible verse www.openbible.info/topics/hurtful_words
sebo3e, thank you for taking the time to comment.
tx for adding tools to my toolbox, i’m a nice, gentle person and make an amazing punching bag for bullies, family members or otherwise
Well you are welcome, Clover Fois, however I hope you have learned what you can do to not be a punching bag. You deserve better. Honored to have you at Live On Purpose TV.
Me, too, Clover. Somewhere along the line I stopped being able to "show my teeth". My sisters took notice and have been steamrolling me ever since. I've got to end this. I hope your situation has improved!
I am having trouble with a clinical instructor who keeps talking to my other classmates about me...she also talks about my other classmates to me. I really am not sure how to combat this. I want to talk to her about it, but I am not sure if she will receive it or if it will make the clinical experience worse. I feel if I said to her, "Did you intend to offend me" she will take me saying that, offensively. I have ten more weeks till graduation and don't want to feel like my stomach hurts even thinking about going to clinical.
Sabrina, you can start by not listening to her when she talks about others. If you all did it, she would be the message.
I want to be more assertive, but people just keep interrupting me, and talking over me as a guy. Then I have to speak louder and interrupt them, and I feel like I'm not going anywhere with it
FTheLeo, consider expanding your friends as people should be giving one another give and take in a conversation.
Everything isn 't disrespect just because we don't like it.? One can feel slighted, dismissed or offended.
Thank you. What we choose to do with the feeling is what makes the difference.
What? Saying “okay” doesn’t convey to the other person how their behavior affected us.
It is a way to get there.
"you're a jerk"
'when you called me a jerk, I was upset'
'Good, that's what I wanted...you jerk'
Hmmm, there are some other videos you can watch in addition to this one to help with that.
What do i do when that toxic person starts to "be nice to me" and i hace to talk back like nothing happened. This happened to me when i was pregnant. All of a sudden they want to be nice and think i have forgotten about all the sh!t they said to me. I f#king hate this because now im just waiting for the next insult after i gave birth and now i have to be all nice?! This toxic person is my husband's famili so i have to keep seeing it! Help i want to let it go but it keeps happening and now im like im mever getting over this!
Set your expectations. When you talk to the person you will know exactly what they are going to say and then you can say to yourself, "Yep, I knew it." Try to be amused by the person. It is not easy at first, but can become easier. Hang in there, Lola Spain.
Man, if I was a natural at this I could've avoided alot of misery on my end..
Violette 玫瑰, it may not come as naturally to you as it seems to for others, but practice makes progress. Try to remember the steps in this video and practice whenever applicable. Thank you for watching.
This sounds good advice that could work. Very occasionally in the future, I will put somebody on notice rather than being careful to be nice(r) to them. Ha, that just sends out a doormat alert I think. I have to listen to this clip again and make notes on the order to say these things so I get it right, not half right!
I read a book about assertiveness which helped me a lot. It was called ''a woman in your own right' by Anne Dickson.
Just listening to Pamela Jett now/ omg she understands female bullying very well. My colleague DOES exclude me with witnesses. So. Summing up. Make the hidden obvious. Own it. I'll say ''It sounds to me... '' (my interpretation is ...) I usen't to know how to do this without coming across paranoid or confrontational. But a yes or no question is genius. '' Am I welcome to come too?'' (yes or she exposes herself). If it's a denial of a dig, and she says ''no'', accept the answer ''ok''.
AS Stanley, I will have to add that to the list.
I should've been more assertive with my boss when she belittled me. She was upset I had signed up for a one-person shift because, to be honest, I'm kind of a slow learner who does much better with a helping hand. She said she didn't think I could manage alone and was all "I've told you not to sign up for shifts by yourself, I've been very clear about that, I don't know how much clearer I can get for you to listen" (something like, that, so I'm not perfectly quoting her), and she told me I need someone there to give me instructions and guide me. Her stern condescension really upset me, and I'm mad at myself for not saying something to show her how I felt. I should've said,
A. "Well, the thing is, if we keep me away from a shift just because of an _assumption_ about me, we won't know what I'm capable of, and that's just not practical thinking. You know the old saying, _You never know till you try_
B. "Well...don't you think if you're gonna say something like that, you might as well just say I'm incompetent and unintelligent?" (In a mellow voice to avoid sounding rude or passive-aggressive.)
C. "My family always taught me to be self-confident and believe in my abilities." Can't argue with that, unless you want to tell the person you disagree and _don't_ think they have it in them.
Maybe I _should_ show her signs of self-doubt, to show her I've accepted defeat and given up. Maybe she deserves that feeling of guilt.
John, I'm not sure what to say here, you admit you are a slow learner and had been told not to sign up for shifts by yourself. Do you think she may have been a little frustrated or feel that you weren't listening to her and the experience she has acquired? Think about it for a minute from her point of view. Her tone might not have been kind and this could be a learning experience for you both. Next time, tell her you think you can handle it and ask what she thinks.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Think about her point of view? She didn't think about _my_ point of view when she belittled me. She didn't come to me to apologize for hurting my feelings. And that's why I am NOT letting her near ANY of the Special Ed kids we're serving next week; the university's Disability Services is using our ballroom to educate potential enrollers, and I don't think I should let my manager talk to them, after what she said to me. She had no faith in my abilities, and now I have no faith in her respect for people in my position. We gotta stick together; bigots who don't understand or believe in us are the common enemy.
Don't J.A.D.E Justify Argue Defend Explain
I like that.
Hello Dr.Paul, I really like this one. Tried to practice the assertiveness, but got the expected responds:
ME: you know, X, when you say _____ to me, I feel really disrespected. Is that your intends?
X: and how about you? You think YOU are being respectful to me?
When I get things projected on me, should I say..............."thank you for your feedback, X" ?????
Thanks.
In Pamela Jett's model, the response would simply be "Okay". In this context, it would be a way to acknowledge that they didn't really answer you. That's probably going to puzzle them and they will insist that you answer, whereupon you could say, "X, I shared with you that when you say ____ I feel disrespected, I simply want to know if that was your intention." Broken record (for those who even remember what that means).
How are my fellow pychopaths doing? Will try to implement this next time I meet another normal human
alwaysflexed, haha, glad you are willing to try. Thank you for watching.
Identity, Verify and Accept. Great video
Thanks Katrina - glad you found it helpful. DrPaul
People like my husband and my daughter probably laugh at these kinds of videos. Like, they probably think "you just say it and that's it!!" LOL
they both have very strong personalities, very assertive, quite overbearing. They're good hearted and kind when they want to be. But boy, don't get into an argument with them. I try to say how I feel and it ends up back to me, like it's all my fault. GRRRRRRRR
Texas Tea, you are never wrong about how you fell.
I was expecting to hate this video but it’s great.
Thank you, please share any videos you think could help another person. We want to keep the videos coming.
We're having this again
Me: I won't get offended if you leave my house this instant.
curiosity 2019, thanks for watching.
is THAT what you intended? what does THAT refer to?
Whatever it was they said or did.
Love this! It is much better than the typical DESC script because it eliminates the need for thinking about an appropriate "consequence" and follow up. This is simple and it can be done on the spot, without having to plan or ruminate about the "best" way to approach an intimidation tactic. Thank you for this.
Oops, wait.... I spoke too soon. You later describe explaining the "desired outcome". That amounts to "consequence". Nonetheless, I still like the approach you present here because it breaks up the technique. This is good. I will keep watching your channel for sure. Hope to find something for teens/ children in school who are dealing with MUCH! The "system" is really not helping the victims to reduce the conditions of victimization.
Glad to have you at Live On Purpose, Butterfly Magic with Hot Tea.
I don’t know...in my culture who states their feelings is seen as week, “I feel disrespected “ answer: who cares?” Did you really mean that?” Answer: of course, why would I say that for? . Ok ( if it’s ok , next time it will be worse :(. )
M aD, maybe there is another way you can communicate this, that fits within your culture? It's important to stand up for yourself and be firm, all while being forgiving of others' imperfections. Thank you for being here on the channel. We do have more videos that you may find useful in the Positive Relationship Resources playlist: th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPA410uJ9woXx9B9WiPyM7fX.html.
Live On Purpose TV thanks! I think I must challenge my culture, indeed because many people think they have a big personality but are just being rude
This is gold. Just found this channel. Love all the contents!
Tiny T, Welcome to Live On Purpose TV.
Another great video! Oh how I wish I'd been assertive with one certain person almost nine years ago exactly, it would've changed so many things about her and my lives. Thank you!
Glad you are adding the assertive skill to your tool box, Kitty Walker. Thanks for watching.
you cant do all three steps in a second and keep momentum
Thank you for watching.
What if they still say tht we wont do the work tht u want ?
Figure out what you control and what you don't, stay in the realm of your control.
This is the true way of putting the other cheek. I love your advice. Thank youuu
You're so welcome!
loveeeee the way you explain this. thank you
You're so welcome!
To be honest, in reality the way he speaks makes youngsters yawn.. though it has a lot of value to it
Human, try speeding up the setting.
This was so good & necessary in my life!
Thanks, Tecumseh.
Thank you Dr. Paul for your videos. They help me tremendously.
So gratified to hear, Monterrey Williams. Glad to have you at the channel.
Thank you for your awesome explanation 🙏🏻
Thanks sir I am hard to control.. On certain thing. Yes.. After I saw this video I am OK.
Edwin Yeong, thank you for watching. I am glad you found value in the video.
Coz i am not assertive enough..a bit passive
Great video, thank you
Our pleasure.
Very very useful vidéo ❤❤❤❤❤
Use the 3DS Differ Denied Delay
That can be helpful.
Subscribed and will watch your videos! Thank you for making them. Made my awful day somehow meaningful ✨
Thank you for subscribing, Mitchelle S. It helps the channel to keep moving forward.
3:00 rolling the eyes is a micro expression of contempt in America. Contempt is when the muscle next to one or the other nostril twitches upward. In America is usually a company with an eye roll.. this is according to you Dr.John Gottman of University of Washington love lab Fame
I love Dr. Gottman's work.
Great video thank you
muccia, honored to be on your team.
'This made me feel X. Is this what you intended?'
Now imagine your narcissistic semi-psychopathic boss tries to bully you.
They want to make me feel X. I won't let them have it. However, I got a good piece of advice once - try to point out, how their behaviour makes them look in eyes of rest of the workplace. I think your formula might work if you say it in front of other people.
Shinrin Yoku, it has worked for some people.
8:27 job interview opener
Hope it works for you.
Great Video !!! Thank you for sharing. Is Assertiveness the same with Gravitas? Thank you
It certainly can be used in that context.
Great video! What about if the response to the verify question is passive aggressive, I.e. no answer?
Good question! It is giving you information about the person and you can proceed from there with the contact you have with the person.
Start with appreciative statement.
I appreciate that...
Acknowledge the status quo.
I am grateful for...
Say the desired outcome.
Would you consider/ would you
mikespace RS, yes, sounds like you have it.
Well presented, going to Wright it down and practice this wisdom, thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
Wow this is a good lesson, will definitely use it when needed, THANK YOU
You are welcome, ShineBrightly. Isn't it great to have tools and strategies ready to use?
Thank you so much for this video...
You're so welcome! Honored to be on your team. DrPaul
7:27
Thank you.
1:59
Thank you.
Weak
Thank you.
Maybe this is a bad thing to say but if you can make me more assertive I think you could make anyone. if you can get me to be more assertive
Frank Symes, Try out the suggestions, I am sure you can do it.
So useful, thank you!
Glad you enjoyed the video, Irene H. Thank you for watching.
Sorry was looking up how to be “insertive “ 🤷🏻♂️
Jonathan Yuvienco, thank you for watching.
What if the person ignores you out of disrespect when you try to verify in step 2 ?
Clarine Chai, you might need to set some boundaries if the person is not willing to engage to work on the problem.
This was very clear information. Thank you.
You are welcome, thanks for stopping by.
I love this guy .... subbed!
BeautyLilyaa, thank you!!! Glad to have you at the channel.
I loved this and actually tried it with my teenage daughter - but when I got to the part of acceptance- and i accepted she then accused me of being passive aggressive - lol- now what? 🤪 I just left it . I hope that was the right response.
Dawn Falvey, sounds like it was. Don't engage in an argument, it will only make things worse.
Live On Purpose TV thank you . 😁
@@LiveOnPurposeTV but what if we want to argue? Not to be mean, but to assert our boundaries? How do we assert ourselves then?
Great video thanks
Thanks Chelsea - honored to be on your team. DrPaul
I took your advice, this really works !!!!!!!
Thank you for letting me know it helped.
Very educational video, thanks for sharing.
Hazel Hazelnut, you are very welcome.
Great information! Thank you for sharing!
Margaret Judice, my pleasure.
This is insanely good, so much thank you doctor :)
You're most welcome!
How to be assertive also ask did you actually mean it
bhrugurajsinh jhala, yes, get clarification. So powerful.
This is great! Thank you!
You're so welcome! Thanks for watching. DrPaul
Great advice, Thank you.
Iza, you are welcome.
❤️
Thanks, Johnnie O. Honored to be on your team.
Thank you
You are welcome.
"There's the stove, there's the refrigerator. Live it up.
Tim Buktu, very clear.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV People love to make you feel guilty. If it was your job to make dinner, and you made it, then that should be the end of it.
If the other person complains, that is their problem, not yours. Ley them make their own.
Thank you
My pleasure - thanks for watching! DrPaul
Can we change the okay, with noted or point taken?
dad dada, sure.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV noted. Tnx
This is top class psychology
Fredo O, thank you, honored to be on your team.
I’ll try it. I’ll let you know if it works.
Please do.
I tried it when my wife used hurtful words. She interrupted me and I couldn’t finish. She escalated and I walked out of the room.
Thank you so much!
My pleasure.
Can't wait to try this one out many thanks
Mary Hamilton, thank you for watching and being willing to try something new.
3 posts /topic of yours I watched consecutively after another. So on the point . So helpful and informative. Love it. Want more. Thanks.
Yolanda Mallari, more content coming soon. Check out the podcast. Live On Purpose Radio.
Brilliant! Especially nr 1
Drikus Diamond, thank you.