The Gottman Doctors: Women Tend to Be More Unhappily Married & Non-Cuddlers Have an Awful Sex Life!
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 มิ.ย. 2024
- Drs. John and Julie Gottman are world leading relationship researchers that have been studying couples for over 40 years, publishing over 200 academic journal articles and 46 books. They are the co-founders of The Gottman Institute and Love Lab.
0:00 Intro
02:43 What mission are you on & Why study love?
07:06 Studying traits of successful couples
09:03 Link between relationships & our health
12:51 What is the love lab?
15:41 The misconceptions about relationships
17:52 How to connect with your partner
27:44 What is the 'attuned' framework?
32:46 Why does typical couples therapy often fail?
35:17 The 7 Principles of a successful marriage
38:45 Do partners' dreams need to be aligned?
40:45 69% of our problems are not solvable
48:41 What to do when your partner wants to change you
51:19 The four horsemen
58:21 What is flooding?
01:03:31 What's a 'caretaker' in a relationship
01:06:31 Conflict misunderstandings
01:08:34 How to become a master at conflict resolution
01:11:41 How to repair/fix relationship issues
01:19:22 What have you learnt about the role of kissing
01:22:25 The role of sex in a relationship
01:29:58 Our society is becoming more sexless
01:32:18 Men struggling to figure out where they fit into society
01:37:50 What do women really want in a man?
01:39:59 Talking about sex makes your sex life better
01:44:30 Betrayal in a relationship
01:45:14 The traits that show a failing relationship
01:49:20 Asking your partner their dreams
01:51:28 Advice to give a relationship its best shot
01:53:21 The most interesting conclusions from the love lab
01:55:39 What does Julie mean to you, John
01:56:36 What does John mean to you, Julie
01:58:38 Why did you write this book
01:59:54 The Last Guest's question
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This episode of The Diary Of A CEO was filmed at Gold Tree Studios, located in the heart of the Sunset Strip, West Hollywood, California
Can I ask you all a favour? If you enjoy this episode, could you please hit the like button 👍🏾 it helps us massively. Appreciate you all! 🙏🏽
Since the successful 'Torches of Freedom' mass hypnosis programs design by Edward Bernays. To focus on the female to be basically making them Sick . Now since then with refined conditioning the controllers have destroyed the ability for healthy Family and Community expression .
I will do it, if you can precise how it helps you? (i am allready a subsciber).
I wish I had this knowledge years ago...thank u
@@maverick3644 Because of youtubes algorithm.
@@LaurenButt436yeah, I noticed that she often had to request permission to contribute whereas he felt free to interject when she was speaking.
My husband and I were friends for 2 years before getting together and then married for 25 years until he so tragically and suddenly died of an anuerisom in front of me one morning. I reflect on our love often, and one thing that glued us together was yes cuddling but laughing together, esp when we first woke up. If things ever got heated we would both retreat and then come back together, look at each other's cranky face and burst out laughing. I would just cherish one smile, one more cuddle, one more cranky face lol, and to hear his big laugh again. Treasure each other. ❤
This was so sweet ❤
Hope you doing well now😊 wishing the best 🙏🏼
I wish I could of had that.
Bless you
I'm pleased you were able to have had such a good experience. Long may the memories last. I'm so sorry for your loss ❤
Aw🥰 beautiful. Thanks for sharing. May you find love again and may your hubby’s soul rest in peace.
As a single person listening to this ... I feel the smartest choice is to really only date people that have high emotional intelligence/ are interested in human psychology/ human behaviour. Otherwise, I can imagine that a lot of people listening to this are in a one-sided relationship. Where one person wants to try all these techniques and is excited about it, but the other person is incapable/ has no interest in this stuff. At least, that's the impression I get observing people and relationships.
That is definitely my experience
Amen. Also, One should date people who are happy with themselves. Most of the time people hate themselves and look constantly for love and validation from their partners.
Yep
@@wondervideos2084 ❤
Yes, you absolutely nailed it
Why Steven is a great interviewer: he does not interrupt. Very quick and to the point with questions. If he does talk about himself it isnt to brag about how much he knows but to actually admit that he needs help as well and is endlessly curious. Keeps it simple and keeps up the pace in a very fluid way. Makes him so relatable and likeable, but respected all at once. He speaks like an actual man.
Wow, great observation! 🤙🏾
People really need to ask themselves "Why am I bothered by people who share good or great things about themselves ?". Because no, it's not always bragging. I often wonder why it's socially more acceptable to talk about how you feel like a complete failure, but you can never say how amazing you think you are.
I can totally agree with this. There are some podcasts where the questions are long-winded (PBD, Impact Theory etc.) there are times the guest are lost and kills the interview for me.
Very well said! I have observed the same.
Yes, usually bad interviewers think they are more important than the interviewees. That's why they interrupt so the spotlight can't be stolen from them. Instead of "Let's hear from these amazing people.", they are like "These amazing people agreed to be on my show, so that means I'm that important"
Why is this adorable old couple making me cry lol they treat each other with so much love, respect and support. It's so refreshing!!!!
That's because they have maturity and self awareness. Which is not common. Especially among the young.
My thoughts exactly! After watching this episode, all I want is to work towards becoming like them.
It is beautiful!
I saw a bloke being told when to stop talking and when he could talk with a simple tap on the shoulder. Seems to work hehe
@@MrR40388they’re literally the experts
I think the irony of this video is that so many people responding to it are complaining about how difficult it is to date today, and the hookup culture, and the inability to make decent connections, and then they'll turn around and go right back to the terrible habits that make their lives, social interactions, and interpersonal relationships just unbearable! There's no magic from just listening to these professionals folks - you have to put in the work and realize that you can't force people to give you what you expect. Lack of self-awareness and accountability is also a huge problem! Everyone wants to blame the culture but no one wants to acknowledge how they contribute to the culture.
Literally what I think every time I go on a date with a woman with a string of past of bad relationships.
Same bullshit different decade. I have been listening to this nonsense my entire life and my parents heard it in the 1970s, the decade of free love. Its bullshit.
SAY IT AGAIN
Amen! I think I’ve contributed to the terrible culture in the past by not making my happiness my responsibility.
What does a woman's negative dating history with men have to do with hookup culture did you plow her or something ? @@whawha8043
My husband and I read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work before we got married. We read it to each other, wrote notes in the book, talked about it. 12 years later we still quote it and use the techniques. I always recommend it. I have gone back to read our notes and it always makes me smile.
that's beautiful and I hope you and your family have a wonderful day ❤
That makes me wonder why you're even here.
@@jenniehughes6927relationships take constant work, she clearly recognises this, perhaps shes just doing her homework?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
I hope to find a relationship like yours one day 🙂 your so lucky!
I love how when he pointed out his faults she immediately rushed in to explain that it didn’t come from a place of malice. It’s so kind to assume the best of your partner’s motives.
Good observation.
One of the most beautiful things about this video is their body language toward each other and how intently they listen to each other and try to understand each other on a deep level.
Yep I am studying their actions even more so than their words. Both very beneficial
not every non divorced family is an intact family. we have to make a third statistic for families where parents fight so bad they *should* be divorced but stay together
EDIT: i found a paper talking about a similar topic called "being poor doesnt have the same effect as living in chaos" (rob henderson)
It's especially bad when BOTH parents are narcissists.
I grew up in a household like that and when I read the 4 horsemen of divorce, I was like yep, I know how to do all of these perfectly. But have no idea on how to do a loving relationship despite my parents staying together until I was 25.
Yes this, seeing people who should love each other actually hate each other is so hard to be around constantly.
I say this all the time. Everyone knows 50% divorce. Of the remaining couples, probably half are staying for the kids, the finances, religious expectations, etc. If success is considered mutual happiness, the odds of success are very low. Maybe 10 to 20% at most.
@@stevend8785You are most likely correct! I stayed for my son til he turned 13. I finally left my ex spouse and am doing so much better and so is my son. We come home and live peacefully and are rarely sick now.
"Sixty-nine percent of all problems are not solvable. Once you pick somebody to have a relationship with, you've automatically inherited the problems you'll have for the next 50 years."
"Empathy is probably the most powerful tool we have to really create connection with one another."
What you've said is REALLY important. That means if you're dealing with a narcissist in your life, NO amount of love will fix that. Normal people have empathy. Normal people can have meaningful conversation. Lies, name calling, false accusations are not meaningful. You can't save everybody.Some people are such that you have to walk away simply for self preservation.
69.......
@@cindymadoreand far more often than not, it's the women that end things....but they're also the biggest ones that fail the most in having caused all the problems in most relationships having never taken any real accountabilities for any of their disrespectful selfish narcissistic actions. 💯💊😒
Yup first quote is everything
@@mizum3458 😳😅😅😅accusing women? 🙃😅😅😅
They are not only telling us about healthy relationships but they gave many demos while talking. How passionately they are listening to each other.
The more I learn about relationships, the more I’m convinced that self awareness and accountability to the needs of the relationship (both people’s needs) are key.
Both people can be as kind as they want to someone, but if they don’t have the capacity to see how they are impacting the relationship, feedback will be rejected and the other person vilified or seen as the problem. Game over.
3 takeaways for me:
1. Strive for responding to the bids for connection at least 85% of the time
2. Express your own need, wants and feelings and carefully listen for your partner's ones
3. Try not to blame, criticise, defend or stonewalling during conflicts
Not quite accurate in multiple ways, please rewatch or atleast think it over again. Still nice of you to put up a small list of some important ideas!
I think it is a nice way to start!
@@-Timur1214the list might not be complete but he perfectly resumed 3 of the most important points of this interview. Also the way you phrased your point is the literal opposite of what this couple recommands, in order to preserve healthy and loving relationships. Interesting...
This woman is AMAZING. She is specific and gives specific feedback on HOW to communicate. Effective communicator to the max. Wow.
What are you taking about, she is a witch from Salem.
Great psychologists are so good at their craft :)
She takes over from her husband, by interrupting. He let's her take the stage. If you watch he dazes out when she interrupts. I find him to be a more effective communicator. She needs to learn to better to share the stage.
@@MarysservantI guess they have worked out between themselves how they operate as a pair. John speaks up when he wants to contribute to the issue. He has mentioned how self-contained and focuss he is.
This
I love the way she praised her husband when talking about what he meant to her.
That was so beautiful to see, my favorite part of the interview.
I am a muslim man and i respect this jewish couple so much. clear and intelligent. Listened to the whole podcast and i totally agree. I am in a happy marriage with a catholic woman and i am currently fasting. And she is very understanding.We compromised in the beginning also how we would raise our kids and how to deal with our famillies. I dont know but it feels like god put us together for a reason. We are not together to hurt each other but to learn from eachother but still dont push your own beliefs or values on others. In the beginning (talking stage) you can really talk about those things and then u can decide if you can accept that. We compromise but also respect eachothers values and wanting to learn from eachother’s religion. I am algerian and my wife is croatian. Currently 15 years together ❤ always listen to your intuition
What a beautiful testimony. I've yet to listen to the video - starting with browsing comments which are very affirming. My Mother is Catholic, my Father was Muslim until he converted to Christianity later in life. From the beginning of their unlikely union, their devotion to God and willingness to submit to Him through daily prayer was their glue and foundation. Maybe you be blessed with wise beautiful children and continue to be a witness for loving God-centered couples.
@@SuspensionTruth thank you for the beautiful comment
Wow it's heartwarming reading your story❤ I am 29, from India, I love a man. I really do want to work on myself and on our relationship. He's the most kind and understanding man I have ever met. Reading how couples like you evolved together for decades despite many differences really makes my heart happy and grateful. Thank you so much for sharing this here.
With all due respect you shouldn’t been be together if you followed your religion and she did well enough.
Wow!!! This is amazing I’m so happy for you and happy to hear this!!So inspiring! This is proof not all couples need to have aligned religious views to be happy!
No relationship is better than a bad one. I've tried, without success, so being in no relationship works for me. People are that basis of all my stress. I'm 76 and in perfect health...no meds, no pain, no past or present illnesses. I love and treat myself the way I've wanted others to treat me, and it works well.
Bravo!
Not everyone can be in a relationship just by the law of averages. For some it's just not in the cards, whether it's from past relationships they can't heal from, personal issues they can't fix, or standards they're deluded by. Love's a true gamble of an investment and most people lose in the market. Actually I'll even include that more and more people lie to themselves and say they don't want one anyway because they only look at the negatives and say, "this is why it's not for me" taking themselves off the market.
At 61, my status is - Intentionally non committed😊
Yes we are supposed to treat ourselves the way we desire to be treated, and as long as we are living with no expectations to outcome.... what's meant for us will never pass us by❤
It's no one else's job to give us validation accolades acceptance or unconditional love..... that's what we were seeking from childhood that hasn't been healed yet..... that we subconsciously carry into adulthood.. once we do that inner child healing add our own shadow work.. by loving and accepting and getting to know the parts of ourselves that others told us were not lovable.... which was all illusion anyway..... that is how we become healed and whole❤ attract those who are also emotionally unavailable.... we are the ones that bring to us everything in our reality and we create our reality❤
Good for you but sorry for your negative experiences.
Dude here. I can't imagine having a relationship without cuddles. It's gotta be my #1 way of building a strong connection and making my girl feel safe and loved. It also just feels right to hold the person you love, even if it's not directly sexual.
Beautiful
This. I wonder why society only talks about sex in relashionships when cuddle is actually proven way more important and necessary for health. Most mammals show an extreme need for it.
If a woman wants that,she should make it known BEFORE there is a commitment.
Well, if that's what you want get yourself a dog. My dog is great cuddler.
😂
If soul mates truly exist, this couple is the perfect example! Just watching how they talk, look at each other, support, add their knowledge - so much love, respect, understanding clearly visible! The end the way they describe what they mean to each other made me cry. As world is changing so much, so beautiful and rare to see it. That gives me a hope that my decision to wait for partner who is emotionally available, aware and conscious about their own issues as well as having willingness to work together as a team might still come true one day! Thank you for amazing episode - this was both informative and heart warming at the same time.
(39:30) I am so grateful Julie mentioned that there are times when dreams are incompatible and can't be negotiated or compromised. Coming to that truth and reality that a relationship won't work is so very painful. Let's not shame people who have to end relationships, even long-term ones. They are not failures. I see the emotional toll this takes on individuals and their families, especially religious traditions that teach you stay together no matter what. I think with the divorce rates the way they are, there should also be a conversation about breaking up in a healthier, more wise-minded way.
I just love the way John looked at Julie whenever she talked. He admired and appreciated her so much and it showed in his gaze.
yeah, obviously they submit with each other.
It's one of their rules for success ❤
@@Missjiji33you're smart ❤
That's my the very first thought!❤
🤦♂️
Most issues really aren’t worth fighting over…laughter helps a lot… two bathrooms help too😂 Married 33 years, one short argument. I owe that to a calm, loving husband.😊
We went through the loss of 4 parents, 3 to cancer and my husband is year 6 clear of stage 3 cancer. You better get things right before the really tough times hit.
Here's to your husband's and your health 🥂
@@rampagesmackssons508 Ty😊
Men are simple creatures. Very easy to please. You being appreciative makes it easy for him to be calm and loving.
♥️
Now how I find a calm loving husband..
@@user-lt1jd1ye3v I wasn’t looking for one😊
Stephen, this may be your best podcast ever. And one of the reasons is your willingness to be vulnerable for all the world to hear, so that we can learn together. Thank you. This video is priceless.
I didn’t get Mother’s Day card or even a happy Mother’s Day acknowledgment from my children’s father today. I was deeply hurt and feeling under appreciated and rejected…and then this interview popped up and it made me feel so inspired by all the kind people in the comments. Thank you all for being loving people and expressing appreciation for this interview. It was so insightful.
I hope you have a support group to care about you and can heal your relationships with family ❤️
That breaks my heart, I’m 32 and my hubs is 34 and we are so apart it’s not even funny, and we’re way too young for this. He sees nothing wrong and I see it all wrong. We don’t even have sex. It’s so sad if I could financially I’d walk away in a heartbeat . He does the same on holidays - he runs out that morning , like literally 8-9am and goes to Walmart for trash flowers ;and no it’s not the Walmart flowers it’s the 5 mins of running out prior cause it means nothing to him. He knows I can’t leave so he doesn’t even try. But boy when I worked before having our last baby he was soooooooo different.
@@brooklin_bernek You are being cheated on. Don't be naive
@@SmarterTebyawhy cheating ? I’m curious your thoughts
@@brooklin_bernek men that age really reluctant to give up sex life for no reason.
It’s going to sound weird but once I started thinking “what do I want from this” in an argument.. I started taking the steps to fixing issues, not being right to be right. Even now, when my wife and I fight… after cooling off I ask her what she wants from this. Sometimes it’s to stop fighting. Sometimes it’s to understand her. Just get to the point. We beat around the bush too much when we are angry/hurt/offended. What do I truly want from this? It’s to to get over this misunderstanding and to move on. Whether we realize it at the moment or not, it is our goal.
Oh wow I love this ❤
Love that question!
Thank you for sharing this. I once heard from a book that males look for solutions. Females look for validation. This question would likely shed much clarity in an argument.
@@911awakening I think understanding is a better word for it.
cuddles run dry when you are not heard in a relationship! Listening and acknowledging that something is not right has to come from both the party for things to work
they also run dry when you start having kids and both parents go to the bottom rung of the sleep ladder for at least 2 years with the arrival of each child, when each parent is working and increasingly constantly tired from sleep deprivation and cuddling and calming the kids, not each other.
@@user-gp7jl8mm2f I think the problem arises when most parents put their children above their relationship, and everything they do is for the child. One thing I noticed is we often give our spouse priority over what's going on in. our lives, we have work, children, ourselves and too often we forget about our partner. and we get mad at our partner because they didn't sacrifice more for us, but forget we didn't sacrifice for them either
Maybe you need to find out why there’s no listening
Some people do not like to cuddle. They aren't affectionate in that way, and show it in other ways.
@@g.d.2059then the relationship is doomed. The person not getting the NEEDED affection will feel alone and unloved and will eventually have to make decisions for their own well being
Work is never ending. A little coffee time when the spouse comes in from work helps a lot.
If someone can’t or won’t work with you to resolve conflict, you don’t have a relationship. If anyone has to resort to the Four Horsemen to get their point across, it’s already over.
The 4 horsemen
May i ask what that refers too ?
@@momaey24this couple has a synopsis called the 4 horsemen that demonstrate that a relationship is essentially doomed
John mentioned his parents didn't treat him and his sister the same. He was raised with love and support but in the same household his sister was treated opposite. Many daughters have been in your sister's position, thank you for speaking on it John. More sons need to speak out on the favoritism they experienced growing up at the expense of their own female siblings!!
I am certain that sometimes it is the girl that is favored and raised with kindness and the boys who are not.
@@SorbusAucubariaLol
What the mother fails to realize is that if the daughter wins, the mother wins! The daughter is usually the one who becomes the caretaker and often is the more responsible one. Daughters are a gift and blessing!!!
@@SorbusAucubaria Not often, the exception doesn't make the rule. Where do you think male mentality of feeling superior to women stems from? It often starts at home, where the boy not only observes how his mother gets treated by his father, but also how his mother turns around and uses his sister as a punching bag and an escape goat, yet showers him with praise for just existing. The ultimate golden child. The boy grows up expecting this royal treatment from other women.
The 'male entitlement' which 'boy mothers' had a hand in creating, is no longer tolerated like before which is creating a crisis within male- female relationship dynamics.
@@ohanaohana8844 Exactly! There is a saying my own mother used to say : 'Boys are loved and daughters are raised'.
The mother intends to sabotage the future wife who will inherit a grown man child. Some women are so desperate for male validation they seek it even in their sons and discard their daughters like trash. Then as you said expect help later on. Sad
Steven, my hat off to you; you keep raising the bar. Your interaction with your guests is spot on. You’ve grown so much as an interviewer. Congratulations!
🎉
Hear, hear! You ask such interesting and inciteful questions, Steven. And it's clear that you've done a lot of research beforehand so that you're able to draw out interesting information from all your guests.
No, he hasn't grown that much. He should stop talking too much about himself in his interviews. The world doesn't revolve around him
@@edwardowusuwiredu646I'm pretty sure he just brings something up and act like his experience to get guests to address potential fixes/solutions for people who are watching with those issues
There's no way he's got all these issues insecurities problems etc because he says something with almost every guest.
That's such a lovely thing to say. I have to say this is a supportive good community.
OMG STEVEN, I have seen other interviews of the Gottmans, and those were mostly incoherent messes. But here, you asked such structured, incisive, simple yet profound questions that you really brought out their outright brilliance and genius on so many levels, and you DID NOT INTERRUPT…your ability to to interview with intelligence, sensitivity, and vulnerability is setting a new paradigm for the medium. This interview is one of the best on TH-cam, a classic for the ages. Congratulations.
I am 71 divorced 2 times. In a relationship with a wonderful man I’m in love with him. I’m trying to improve myself in every area I am the happiest Ive ever have been. We are working on making our relationship work and it’s up to us as individuals and not to blamed each other or change the other. Love this program and am learning so much thank you
My husband and I cuddle every single night 😍 The oxytocin wave is glorious! He never thought he'd be a cuddler, but here we are!
We also laugh often, kiss often, and validating each others feelings.
It's a game-changer.
When we bring up an issue or hurt feelings, the other will validate the feelings (empathy) and then we talk it through because we love each other and we see ourselves as on the same team, striving towards the same goal: connection. ❤
It's the simple things you know. Cherish this union, sounds like bliss ✨️
Men need training to do this.
@@theresetibbitswe have to train them to do everything.
Lucky lol
Exactly ❤
16:38 the "bid for connection" is huge! I underestimated it for so long whenever my husband would want to show me a news article, a dumb meme, or something he found interesting online. I used to disregard them as interruptions and annoyances - huge mistake!! Until I read Gottman's work and realized those little, tiny moments were my husband's way of trying to find connection with me throughout the day. We were so foolish in our early years of marriage, made many mistakes - some little, some big. But we committed to being honest about even "the little dumb things" that might bother or hurt us
Nip it in the bud, so to speak. We're really enjoying marriage now.
They obviously like each other. Love how they gaze at each other and how she touches him. They exude so much love. They act exactly like the genuinely happy couples i meet that have been together for 60 years and still devoted to each other.
I get lambasted when I say my first criteria of a partner is emotional maturity / stability. But I stand by that. My parents had a relationship riddled with 4 horsemen and it was so tiring to mediate growing up. But I love content like these, invaluable in our journey to reparent ourselves and managing future relationships. Thanks DOAC.
Julie gottman is an absolute sweetheart and im just cheesing hearing them as they talk with each other. Relationship goals and I just love her
September we will celebrate 50 yrs Married, lived together 1yr prior! Always growing our appreciation for each other.
😱 Lived together unmarried for a year in 1973? Scandalous! 😁
This is super inspiring and amazing! Happy anniversary for when September hits ! That's a big one
Beautiful 😍! Wishing you 50 more years of happiness!
The way they were expressing their love to each other made me cry😢 like a baby! Gosh! What a beautiful love they have❤...
This last part where they praise each other is so heartwarming 🥺🥺🥺🥺❤❤❤
I very quickly noticed a correlation between speaking with strangers and trying to make them smile And make their day better make me in a much better mood
That reminds me of a note that was on our staff bulletin board at work. It said something like, giving someone else a compliment or helping make another person's day brighter will bring you happiness and satisfaction too. This is so true!
It's because when you're focused in on someone else, it's the exact opposite of self consciousness which is where the emotion of anxiety is birthed. Not my idea. I heard JBP explain that once and it really rang true. If you are anxious about attending a party, you walk in there with the aim to make someone else as comfortable - and at ease - as possible. Doing so makes it impossible to obsess about yourself or your feelings. Maybe that is a metaphor for how humans are supposed to commune with others. The feeling after having a pleasant interaction with a stranger, therefore, makes perfect sense.
It activates the happy chemicals love hormone oxytocin
Many religions preach this. Being in service of other brings one joy
I love that you do this. Your comment was warm and welcoming, especially with so many others being so truly awful. Be well! 🫶🏻💕
As an experienced older person - I would recommend pre-marital counselling to any couple about to live together or get married.
Amen and also individual therapy.
Not bullet proof , we did it and start got divorced. Our story is different, no cheating, and no kind of abused. I know crazy right?!!! He had an addiction to alcohol and pain killers.
@@peacelove7437But for the most part it’s beneficial to couples planning to marry.
@@peacelove7437 Hey Peace was the addiction there before you got married or did it come later?
yeh, how did you observe the addiction? You are so strong
As a marriage/ family therapist of 53 years, I found this interview with the Gottmans fantastic! So much invaluable info!! Please have them back! Thank you so much!
The difference between my partner and I is I would actively watch this video while he would find it rediculous
Dear one, I understand. I would encourage you to look into Donna Eden's 'Energies of Love,' videos available on TH-cam. She helps people understand relationship styles in a very practical way based on how different 'energy types' handle stress differently. Keep in mind that as much as you might want someone to grow and meet you, being in an unhappy relationship that shows little improvement can be very stifling. It's also hard to grow - as you're seeking knowledge - if the person closest to you finds you efforts 'ridiculous.' God bless and guide you.
Give him time. Figure out his communication style. No one wants to feel judged and rejected and if you're sharing something like this video with the intent to change him, he's going to feel rejected and disrespected.
If you want him to watch this video, send it to him with the message and intent of just hearing what he has to say; this will help you figure out where his headspace is at.
I said to my partner in the morning, 3 years ago I would never expect my self to ever watch a video like this. Now I’m watching this and taking notes. People can change over time !
For me too but I am the male.
Why did he make me cry at the end ? He said his parents should have loved his sister better, and it's like i heard my brother say it. He was the only one loved in the family and it shows because he is successful and I'm a bit of a failure for lack of love growing up 😢😢
I think maybe your parents were ill equipped to understand what they did to you regarding lack of love. You're not a failure because of their choices. Chances are you have inner strength beyond comprehension. Believe in that!!
I agree with you. It’s likely that “lack of love” affected you in a negative way and your parents are responsible for that harm. They contributed to some of the poor outcomes in your life.
However, it’s never too late to try to do something about it. Look at your internal and external resources, allocate them appropriately, and plan your next moves.
In most cases, the people who cause the harm can’t fix it, don’t know how to fix it, or don’t want to fix it.
it’s usually up to us to fix it to the best of our abilities. Good luck.🍀
❤️🙏🏾
You’re not a failure ❤❤❤
Cheer up. You're not alone. You've most likely overcome many such challenges in your life and will continue to learn and grow stronger. You are a winner and always have been. Give yourself credit.❤ I like you already. 😍
Ahhh the GOATS of successful marriages! ❤❤❤ I love the Gottmans. Their advice over the years helped me bring my marriage back from the brink of disaster!
The GOTTS
I wish they stuck to what they kbow and didn't get off in the weeds with their false feminist nonsense about gender pay gaps and "lack of opportunities" for women. This is where the disconnect of modern problems is lost on older individuals. It's no longer the society that existed when they were 25. Women are beginning to our earn men, our graduate men, and gain more promotional advancements than men in many white collar fields. If those women are feeling sexually uninspired it's not because they feel societal oppression because of their genitals, it's because they can't find anyone who matches or exceeds them as a provider to make them feel safe and secure and aroused
@@Paul-ke2hgbeat me to it 😊
Yes! So right, The G.O.A.T's of successful marriages!
YOU SEE HOW HE WATCHES HER WHEN SHE TALKS?? HOW SHE WATCHES HIM WHEN HE TALKS? My goodness…this is exactly step one to engaging
Today is our 28th anniversary & I think I'm the luckiest woman in the world. He's my hero.
I find using Non-Violent Communication helps resolve conflict. Also, validating your partner's feelings and needs even if you don't agree with them often makes them feel seen, heard, understood and deescalates the conflit.
Sometimes, I start a potentially fraught conversation with either I'm proud of you for something, an apology for something I did that's a little off subject of what may turn into a fight. If I'm too tired for that I ask "Hey, why did this happen?" Usually, it brings a different energy to the convo.
@@rayf6126twas happened that you're not in the same path. I know that it's tiring to adjust.
I had an ex that studied non-violent communication.
She was hideously awful at using it. She was just a manipulative gaslighting and deceitful bitch with zero ability to be accountable for her actions.
In her case, the criticism is 100% deserved.
Calm, compassionate, understanding, vulnerable and empathetic communication only got me manipulated and taken advantage of. My trust abused.
I even convinced her to go to a Gottman Therapist with me. It achieved nothing. The therapists talked 90% of the time, gave us no tools to use and did not spot my exes covert narcissism.
I left her, went no contact. My life improved significantly.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 I have met people who use it that way, just like any tool can be misused. I'm sorry that happened.
I mean, you should make it known that you don't agree with them and have a discussion about that.
This episode is so needed in this fast-food hookup generation with low attention span and digital loneliness…
Then pack it in 60 Seconds
Yeah because they’re constantly got their heads stuck in their smartphones 🙄
It's not just one generation. It's all generations.
@@janinekay ironic, eh?mine was just stuck in mine for 2 hours!
@@grantperkins368 nooooo … don’t do it! 😉
Omggg the way they look at each other at the end, just absolutely fills me with hope and joy. ❤
Johns attention to Julie when she speaks is precious.
Steve is super good at his job, he is open, personal and asks the right questions. Kudos to you.
In July 2023, my 6 year trauma relationship ended and I went on a quest to heal myself and love myself. My journey has been nothing like the traditional self-help world but I learned a LOT.
In the process, I had to come to terms with the fact that both my parents never loved me but just used me. I had to choose myself over them, over everyone else. Now, people who used to f*** me over can't even come near me. I see through thier deceptions. I naturally avoid any woman who don't have self love.
At the end of the day, we are all with ourselves and I'm so happy and proud that I'm comfortable with myself and I love myself deeper and deeper each day.
All I ever wanted was me and I have me now!!
Dude your podcast is getting more crisp each day! ❤
After hearing this lady speak for less than a minute, I liked this video immediately. What an amazing lady.
Most of the behaviors they recommend are a symptom of having a healthy calm well-regulated nervous system and having dealt with your traumas.
Right.
That is a very good point. It's very difficult to have a happy healthy relationship while walking around traumatized.
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD
Just told my husband this! A person with unhealed trauma is primarily concerned with self protection, its going to be hard for them to have these conversations. Ask me how I know 😅
@@ketket0725 Yeah. Can't perceive or communicate correctly when in fight or flight mode.
I love this couple , im 24 im about to get married. Im honestly happy because i can feel and appreciate what they are talking about. Thank you for your wisdom , much love and respect.
The BEST interview of the Gottmans I have ever seen!! 🙏💌😘❤ Steven really did his homework on this one. I have never seen Julie Gottman so humored and engaged, you really brought out a connection that breathed personal resonance into their work with personal stories (their's and your's).
Combined experience, wisdom, & extended research into sustaining a successful romantic relationship! Absolutely terrific! This is who the younger generations should be listening to!
that is 'old book of rules' craep. non-viable these days, with global www, globalised SMP, globalised gyn.fasc cancer + metastasing. younger gen.s won't listen (as xx.s) and BETTER shouldn't have selves gaslit (as gents) relatedly.
Yet relationships were not based on romance before the 1900s. Its a modern concept that stems from romance novels, movies and TV.
@@thomasjones4570so?
@@thomasjones4570 a modern Western luxury? In many parts of the world (I'm in Asia) you'll find that they still aren't, but are based more on the need to continue the family line (still a lot of pressure on couples) and to gain full status in society.
Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet over 400 years ago, ... now I'm tempted to research the history of love and romance in Asian culture and literature
@@grantperkins368The hell are you even talking about? Who said anything about modern or luxury? Who implied there were ZERO cases of people falling in love before it?
Romeo and Juliet was a story about 2 people from FEUDING families falling in love, marrying IN SECRET with the entire story about how their families refuse to allow the marriage. Its a story that backs my point and does not refute it.
Marriage was almost always either 2 families joining to increase their power or support themselves. Many cultures had or even still have arranged marriages. Those without it had long "courting" of the couple with the female being escorted leaving no real private time between them. The idea of romance as we no it today was "almost" non-existent 200 years ago.
Their modeling is exceptional. Watch them in each other's presence in addition to what they say 🥰
I was thinking the same. They teach /model by example! I loved how she was touching his hand before jumping in the conversation , looking at him carefully/ attentively , etc ❤
Love has illuded me so far 59 years old. It's nice to see that some have found it and work on keeping it. The Gottmans do amazing work.
I think your shows are great! You are such a great host… polite humble and kind… super refreshing to watch and listen to… thank you 🙏 😊
So glad to hear you love the show! What's been your favourite episode so far?? ❤️❤️
I’ve never clicked so fast. These two are the true relationship experts out there!
That is no one has ever heard of them...
Women have, us guys. We dgaf. I like having money in my bank and absolutely zero problems in my life.
Me too. I’ve heard about the Gotmans but never heard an interview.
Absolutely agree.
The best ones!
Love the episode and the insights, I think the main challenge today is finding someone who is willing to work through the difficulties of a relationship. It is true, that there's more pain than you would have on your own, but there's more love, too.
1 in 4 women have s t d s. There will be lots of pain if they don't start taking better care of themselves and showing respect to those around them, their own bodies, other people's bodies and the society they live in.
@wadoneniwho1880 seems unrelated but ok
that's like purposefully injuring yourself so you can legally take heroin.
Not sure where the smart decision was.
@caitlinnnnnnnnnnnnnn pain in relationships. You think these women are being tested? No, they are passing it around. Recklessly.
well... the main challenge (for self-respecting, rational gents, that is) is to recognise and mitigate any urge into xx.s that would imply pursuing utmost likely detriment to them and their lives if indeed committing. put bluntly: 1st marrg. divorce likelihood is 50+%, 2nd marrg. 66%+, 3rd about 80%+, with divorces triggered by xx.s in 70..90% of cases (depending on 'education'). with 25% of gay marriages liekely to divorce vs 75% of laesb. ones.
If you husband yells at you everyday it can be very stressful .
Get a divorce
@@wyleecoyotee4252 Good point
One of the absolute best Diary entries yet. The research is intuitive but so valuable.
We spend years learning increasingly abstract topics in school and the system COMPLETELY IGNORES the subject matter that most heavily influences our happiness and our ability to adapt in relationships.
Cannot believe you got these two on! Heard so much of them from many different relationship coaches but never actually seen them in the skin! Bravo DOAC
My Grandmother explained this to me. “ We are all human, we all need leaders, but Marriage is a suppresor. No spirit wants to be bound down. Somewhere in history, Men decided to limit a woman ability to live as freely as we were bound to live. A woman’s spirit is broken while a man continues to raise his. Woman are treated as second class citizens, not worthy of a voice. It is a man that breaks a woman’s spirit, when a woman’s raises his.” My Grandfather never treated her less, she worked if she wanted, went on trips, but she took care of him. They had 9 children together and he helped her with every single child. They adored and loved one another. He always said.. “ Your Grandmother has the happiest soul a human could ever have.” That’s because he did not try to suppress it.
Thank you for writing these words of wisdom. They are unfortunately, all too often true. I needed to read this!
Your grandmother had a lot of insight and wisdom. Hit the nail on the head .
Really beautiful!!
amazing, they have lowly in spirit. human are defiled, but I believe that when we choose the moral compass nothing is hard.
What a beautiful account of your grandparents. Have me goosebumps all the way thank you so much. I felt it deeply. I am a married woman and have on many occasions felt my spirit had dipped over the mnay years . I can now feel my spirit is raising and taking wings. ❤❤
This is a extremely amazing conversation. So easy to listen to, bc people don’t interrupt, Steven (as always) is an amazing interviewer as well as the Gottmans seem so easy and effortlessly to talk to as they respect the conversation, listen, hear and ask. This may just be an interview that is a 12/10
It's such a beautiful thing how the couple behaves and treats each other. And, they never interrupt. Never. And they always try to be positive rather than negative.
Interesting re: talking to strangers, I've been single, but I find joy in talking to new people strangers during my day it does bring me joy and connection.
I can’t escape the feeling the host is trying to do the right thing but his relationship with his partner is definitely rowing upstream
I thought I was the only one, I'd be surprised if they marry.
He has said before that she once left him, saying she didn't find him sexually attractive. But she came back, who knows why?
I think now though, he's resentful for that and isn't willing to put in work to make her happy. And she's the one chasing him. 💔
@@riri1718she didn't find him attractive? He's hot! He's also financially a catch. Doesn't mean they make it, but it might well explain (at least in part) why she came back.
@@k.h.6991 He looks good, but if I'm honest, he wouldn't make me wet. He's not my type. And the episode where he shared about the breakup was about sex in relationships, so I sympathised with the gf (although her breakup words, as told by him, were too harsh for my liking).
And he says she came back of her own will, which leaves a lot to speculation.
Thought the same thing
I love that he is so vulnerable in the conversation and asks from his own life. It is very clear that he loves his wife and wants to understand what is best for them and her.
If I get too many rejections in a bid for connection… I stop bidding… not going to beg.
This couple is goals. And it's only the beginning of the interview.
How she touches him every time, so cute 🥹
It's called manipulation, women are the first manipulaters.
I have mixed feelings about it…it feels a bit patronizing to me. Maybe it is the amount of times makes a difference.
@@lindachallenger1554she's definitely dominating him it's gross.
A lot of men actually like that 😂
I found it ultra dominating . Football coaches and politicians do it when they handshake to assert dominance over the person they are speaking to
As a single man who wants to buid a family, i appreciate this advice, helps me to be a better lover
Being in a marriage that has been through ups and downs and continues to be challenging. The thing that give me power to keep turning towards the relationships and making the effort to improve it is reminding myself of the vows that I wrote when we got married and that those were my words and my promise that I made voluntarily and is my responsibility to uphold.
Same (well I didn't take any vows, we went to courthouse on his lunch break 😂). I just remind myself marriage is for life.
Steven can you please bring in someone who educates on motivation and why some smart ambitious people fail to reach their goals
Naw. you trying to get justification for your laziness. Its called life
Watch dr.k interview, I think there is something about that there.
If it's related to a lack of discipline then you can train that by finishing your tasks.
eg: cooking = preparing food and eating BUT also doing the dishes/ cleaning up the kitchen.
Why ?
Why we feel kind of happy when a rich person loose everything, like " let him learn to be humble or learn to be poor ( we are helping him to go heaven ) .
Probably we should do the opposite : " I wish you have money" .
If you have money or something you must not speak because people have gelozie and they can do something bad energetically, like make you loose what you have.
Plus we are in a lower dimensions, people don't have the bigger and the first power : love .
WATCH MEL ROBBINS.
You hit on a subject that was such a sore spot in our 50 year marriage. In our 30’s my husband couldn’t turn off from working. I read this one sentence in a self help book, “when you come home leave your work in the mailbox “ pick it up when you leave.
That helped so much, and the reality of the need to work at home sometimes. Is be available when you come home and connect with your spouse and children, eat a meal. Then take the time to do some work. Listen to your partner and trust is huge in a relationship. Cuddle ❤👍
I am so jealous you got to interview the Gottmans. Bravo sir.
Everytime when Julie speaks and John just looks at her so intently, I literally tear up! I have no idea why but it makes me want to cry because although that is such a small act of love, it is so big because people don't do these smalls things for their loved ones. And it's so simple and easy and we just don't do it often or at all
I love how Julie turns and connects with John when talking about him.
I don’t have my own love story yet, but my abuelita and my grandpa were happily married for 50 years. She’s a Nicaraguan immigrant who moved to San Francisco when she was a teenager with her mom. She dated a lot of guys, got close to marrying one, but her friend took her (I think she was 32) to a cookout one day and she says as soon as she saw my grandpa flipping burgers, she was done looking. They hit it off but I guess he played cat & mouse with her for a few months (he was a Casanova) and then they ran into each other again and he took it seriously. They both loved to travel, both loved socializing/having fun, both worked for the government. But my abuelita is the super talkative one and my grandpa was always more of the charming but silent type. My grandpa barely got a word in around my abuelita, but it didn’t bother him. My grandpa was a huge flirt and had a temper, but my abuelita didn’t let it get to her. In fact she would laugh when he got worked up. She found all his “flaws” endearing. And he found hers the same.
My parents were never in love, (my mom tells me that a lot) and they’ve been separated 10 years. But at least I know real love exists with my grandparents. My grandpa died 7 years ago and my abuelita, at 86, has a new “companion” as of a year… but she still says she misses him so much. He will never be replaced to her.
There's a lot of life to summarize in just a few lines and you sure shared the flavour of each person. Two people who really have fun together - is there anything better? When we have great examples of deep love it helps us discern with whom to engage. Thanks for sharing, commonsensecappy.
My parents kissed every day when Dad left for work and when he came home. They were happily married for 52 years. My husband refused to do this when we first married. It’s been a cold marriage.
That is incredibly sad. It is a basic, primitive need. Don’t live in the cold forever❤
I was moved and touched by how both of them lovingly and genuinely answered Steven's question of what they mean or like about each other. I love that moment. ❤ Thank you for this amazing, helpful episode!
“We’re not attracted to people like us.” And that’s why I didn’t find true compatibility until I was 49. True compatibility is something you may think is unimportant until you find someone like yourself and it changes your whole worldview. That is when you truly understand Resonance.
Conversations people... are so important. I love the emphasis on having meaningful conversations.
I always say, be willing to do this, even the tough convos. Have them. Don't shy away from them.
I believe this is the most important way to build intimacy. Meaningful conversations with tough subjects and situations as well. Communication means everything.
I just love Steven’s way of doing these podcasts. His vulnerability is precious, and questions just amazing. I loved every single minute of this podcast and Gottmans and their energy, the way they are with each other is so beautiful. What an inspiration ❤
You see how John always looks at her. It’s so sweet. That “what does she mean to you” response made me cry
This was a wonderful episode! Thank you so much for interviewing both of them. The work they're doing is amazing, and it was nice seeing a healthy couple modeled. They very clearly love and respect each other. I loved that Julie asked John if she could add something rather than simply jumping in and adding what she felt needed to be said or explained. That takes practice! Hoping my library has their books and looking forward to sharing the information with my partner.
I love the Gottmans. Their research is an invaluable gift to humanity. If only more people knew about it and listened to it.
Steven seemed very relaxed and open and present in this interview. Body language wise, I never saw him spread out his arms like that and doing such large hand gestures. The couple is such a delight as well. However, I really enjoy when the host knows how to adapt his energy to the guest's and the topic discussed. Steven does that perfectly.
It’s so refreshing seeing a couple sharing from experience, data and work in partnership and Love. I enjoying the contribution you, all are❤️ Thanks
The last couple of minutes impacted the most.. the way they described what they mean to each other 💙❤️
I love the Gottmans! I followed their advice and although I got a lot of pushback, I found a very loving partner. We even did the Eight Dates from their book and I really recommend regardless where you are on your journey with your partner.
Excellent book!
Oh my God! When you asked them what they mean to each other i think I actually cried! Such tenderness and truth. I love love it! No way would I take them seriously if I didn’t see this from them. That was the clincher for me! ❤
This was unique, soothing and touching to see even almost 4 decades into the relationship between a woman in her 70s and man in his 80s there still giving eye contact and fondness to eachother on the podcast