Empathy Paradox and Borderline Personality Disorder
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 18 ก.พ. 2019
- Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox: goo.gl/LQEgy1
There are many paradoxes associated with BPD. A paradox is something that is self-contradictory. Those who have BPD have a tendency to experience something called the empathy paradox. The empathy paradox, for individuals with BPD, is that they are good at reading emotions in others due to paying extra attention to what’s going on in their environment and the people in it, but this information gets distorted along the way causing the individual with BPD to misinterpret those emotions as negative which leads to a greater likelihood of reacting negatively in situations. Also, the greater degree of the felt need for rapid response, the greater the impairment.
Research shows that those with BPD do possess enhanced empathic skills. Individuals with BPD have an increased sensitivity to negatively perceive emotional stimuli, and that this leads to a reduced ability to stop, think, determine best outcome, and then react that impairs self-control and performance, especially in tasks requiring quick responses. It also leads to a higher tendency to feel overwhelmed, a common feeling for those with BPD.
Individuals with BPD have a tendency to perceive and respond to internal urges that are a mixture of learned distrust of others that disrupts the ability to develop lasting and stable mental pictures of how you see and evaluate people in your mind, which leads to chronic social dysfunction. This history of learned inconsistency drives individuals with BPD to react as though they're going to be disrespected, hurt, abandoned or all 3.
What can you do about it? When you recognize emotions in others, stop and remind yourself of that negative tendency, look for environmental evidence to support or disprove what you’re feeling and interpreting, then reassess, and determine best outcome.
Slow and steady wins the race here, not rapid pace to this finish. The tortoise wins, not the hare.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available May 1, 2019, but you can pre-order it now at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
TH-cam: / drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
Citation:
Dinsdale, Natalie & Crespi, Bernard. (2013). The Borderline Empathy Paradox: Evidence and Conceptual Models for Empathic Enhancements in Borderline Personality Disorder. Journal of personality disorders. 27. 172-95. 10.1521/pedi.2013.27.2.172.
Also isnt it contradictory how we think others think of us negatively and strangers do things specifically to be rude to us but at the same time we think no one cares about us and we are invisible. Interesting how we go from thinking the world rotates around us and is out to get us while also assuming no one cares at all
Sarah Blue good point I do this too
So true.
great observation!
Well those go hand in hand.
HAHA, damned.. that's a good one! I never noticed that dichotomy.
The world needs more bpd specialists. So hard to find.
@A 333 ❤
I agree 100%!
Yes...
And bad treatment can be worse than no treatment.
100%% 👍🏻
"individuals with BPD have a tendency to perceive and respond to internal urges that are a mixture of learned distrust of others that disrupts your ability to develop lasting and stable mental picture of how you see and evaluate people in your mind, which leads to this lasting dysfunction." - holy F that's so completely bang on the money.
I have learned more from a half dozen of these videos about myself, my disorder, and how to manage it, than I have from over a decade of therapy, workbooks, and independent research.
sassyslsgrl me too! And DBT groups/therapy
Pretty sad how hard it is to find a good therapist
SAME!!!! DBT courses. Groups etc.But Dr. Fox is phenom.
agreed! no therapist has ever diagnosed me, only my psychiatrist seems to think I have BPD. these videos are really changing my life and give me the language I need to describe how I am feeling. I plan on doing DBT and think these types of videos are the only reason I am able to understand myself. I've always been interested in disorders and psychology but never understood BPD even though I have it. imagine that. quiet BPD is a terrible thing.. it should really be something more talked about, everyone thinks BPD is the typical cut yourself and show your loved ones as a cry for help. Some of us cut and hide the scars. Some of us don't let our anger show, we hide everything deep down. Some of us don't do the typical acting out. These videos are literally a life saver.
please dont self diagnose
I love this guy. Unpretentious brilliant and compassionate. Much respect and many thanks sir.
This is not empathy paradox. Much ado about nothing.
@Serina Perry I was thinking the same thing! Take care x
He also never sounds like he's babying people. Like he talks to his viewers and I assume his patients like we are people and not like we are 5 year olds.
@@petert8456 so where's your TH-cam explanation of empathy paradox so we can all learn what's up from you?
And his faux focus on the pickles is a hoot. 😃
This brought tears to my eyes. It's not often I hear my internal experiences articulated so clearly, and on top of that, by someone else. The feeling that someone in the world knows what's really going on in my head makes me feel understood. And I don't get that feeling often at all. Thanks Dr Fox. I shall try to slow down next time! Also....RIP pickles
Same here.
Same here
AmeseyPop I read this before he started talking about the pickles. I THOUGH IT WAS A DOG 😭
"Drop your pickles" is my new euphemism for acting up. I don't drop my pickles so often these days, but I recognise this scenario.
I agree, I'm often the one explaining the other person's thinking pattern from my emphatic reading of them.
The grocery store example is just spot on! I've felt this way many times at checkout however I do not rage or act out. I internalize it. I have never really acted out in public.
Me too
You are a "quiet" type i'm guessing? I kinda do the same. The problem is that later we usually lash out at ourselves and just hurt and internalize all that rage/frustration. "Why did i take that long on the fkn store...? " "I should have gone there earlier..." "Why the hell i am like this god dammit."
Yeah, I deffinetly internalize the negatives. Sometimes I do blow up though.
My wife will make me go out and smoke or I will shop after work at 3am. Finally gave up my alcohol facade with the help of God and thc, which led me to these videos. They scare the crap out of me. He is talking about me! No one believes me.
@Oyindasola Omole something really similar happens to me, always gotta reason with yourself
I hate how I wake up with a negative/pessimistic outlook, go through my day, have episodes, come home, watch these videos, start seeing things more positively with effort, and then calm myself down... Then I wake up the next morning and I'm negative again. This is getting exhausting.
maybe try watching these videos in the morning so your day is more positive and not just the night
This actually contributes to so much of my social anxiety which leads to agoraphobia tendencies . I don’t want this “ability” sometimes, I wish I could turn it off.
This is me. I also have bpd with social anxiety and agoraphobic tendencies. I know exactly how you feel. The social anxiety and the bpd are both telling you to be hyperaware of everyone around you. The social anxiety is telling you that everyone is judging you, and your bpd is "confirming" that everyone is judging you negatively. So you just want to stay inside away from all these horrible, judgmental people.
Me too!!
@@ryandylan8521 ive been locked in my home for months i completely understand.
Same :/
Well any empath is special to me. 100 stand deviations from the norm... this is a brilliant skill as long as you realize how special you are and begin to love yourself so that you can go out into the world and share your gift. Love your own heart , then it will be reflected back to you
I wish he could be my therapist. He seems to truly understand BPD
+Kate Dean 🦊👍
Dr. Daniel Fox you are truly a godsend. The information you give and the examples you have are articulated in a way that I’ve been searching for. 🙏🏻
Its like he's in my head. He's saying everything I feel.
LOL thank you for the “keep your borderline spidey senses out” quote I will remember this all the time 💗
Dont forget ! I'm here from the future, but now the past, to remind you :P
Sometimes my BPD spider sense detects the neighbours inside their house I think. Lol
@@notorious-00j99 Also same.
Haha yeah I need to tape that on my wall someplace
I feel your compassion for those with BPD and for those who care for those with BPD. that is so important and certainly not a universal response!
I'm 53. Never been able to hold onto a friend, a relationship or a job. Yes I'm shit at relationships that's the truth. I've done so much inner work and inner child healing but when I get triggered I become someone else. Age has not helped me. I hurting and in pain all the time
Skye. Spot on! Time just intensifies every symptom, helplessness, hopelessness, and lifelong failures. Maybe if our voices had been acknowledged decades ago the destruction wouldn't have been as painful. 51 wasted years is just another reminder of the path of destruction that is a daily reminder of wasted time. But!!! At least with such videos and self research points out we don't all SUCK purposely. TY to all the professionals out there that never listened. You all should have you license revoked. We are survivors!
Ditto. I'm 54 and moved to Nevada to try to get a better handle on my issues, try to become a better person, etc; I thought I was doing pretty good and then went home for a visit and I realized that I had simply been avoiding things that trigger me. I've made some progress but not near as much as I thought. I'm sorry you're hurting and in pain. What's helped me is to realize that I wasn't born this way. I was manufactured this way by my childhood and certain life experiences, like alcoholism (sober over 8 yrs) exasperated the already existing issues. Point is, is that if I was manufactured to be like this, I can re-build myself to be better. Not perfect. Just better. I hope you find your peace.
@@deanallen7235, yes, I won't speak w/extended family any more, due to my mother's undiagnosed issues, that have complicated every relationship w/any1 she has ever met. She IS out to get me, but then, she's out to get every1 else sooner or later 2, so I won't take it personally. But I had to decide that, for however long until I can stay who I am around them, I must stay who I am w/out them around, but I don't avoid any1 & away from extended family, I actually enjoy most other people most of the time. Who knew it wasn't me?
This comment made me realize I am not the only one of my kind I’m almost in tears
I'm 52 and thought I was doing OK until I fell in love and discovered I have BPD and its been a lifetime of letting people in and pushing them away. Friendships n relationships don't just fade out, I burn bridges every time - in work too. I'm working on being done with it all, the legacy of a traumatic childhood and waiting for trauma based therapy and DPD. We're still young, this doesn't have to be it xx
That tendency to start to develop almost a mental picture of hatred for the people whom I love the most and am also emotionally dependent on, is SO EXHAHSTING. I'm such a sensitive person and i can not stand to hate someone. Especially with having the awareness that I know its irrational. So, try that on for size I have to seriously explain to my partner that I hate them. Literally heart breaking I'm so glad they're understanding of the disorder and know that it's not true.
I also of course tell them that what I feel isnt how I actually feel.just an emotional reaction to perceived negatives which you have just taught me I have a tendency to exacerbate negatives. Especially supposed evidence that he is going to leave me or abandon me or specifically do something hurtful on purpose when I feel I need him the most... ie. having an anxious attachment based panic attack feeling ignored.
Holy shit, learning so much from you thank you. I already feel like its helping honestly
We always hurt the ones we love
This has been my tendency for many years, though I began to disentangle my BPD "tantrum" behaviour about 10 years ago, when I finally realised that my own behaviour was actually making everything WORSE for me (as well as hurting my most loved ones).
That feeling of hate...directed at the one you love most...it's really, REALLY painful to deal with. Love and hate are not opposites. You love and NEED this person...so when you perceive that they do something that's hurtful, disrespectful, careless, abandonment-related, or even hateful against you (in your mind), they suddenly become "the enemy". Suddenly you can't see them as you normally do - as your loved one. You see them as the person who is SUPPOSED to love you, who you desperately NEED right now, but who is instead not doing or saying what you need, and so they automatically appear to be against you. They can't love you! They must HATE you! And you tell them that they hate you and that they don't love you and that they want to leave you, etc etc ETC!!!!!!
You're projecting by now. You don't REALLY think they hate you deep down, but you feel SO hurt that you feel something like hate (love + hurt can = hate) towards them...the person you really love. Which just makes you feel even worse.
Sigh.
Hey I had the same problem what works for me is every time I start trying to think like that I go “don’t flip gabby” I know it sounds retarded but you made the first step in knowing it’s irrational now the second strep is actually controlling this irrational behavior in the moment...chances are at this point they are actually being mean to you/making you hate them more bc of how you’ve been acting...it will prob take a week of you not acting out to turn it around then they’ll start being really nice again
The empathy paradox is real. It's easier to split with the empathy paradox, sometimes feeling explosive, while other times implosive. Both my husband and I suffer from PTSD and BPD symptoms, among other issues. Our relationship has grown as we focus on healing ourselves and discussing what ails us, instead of fighting and fleeing because we froze for too long. It's taken us 8 years to heal this much. We made a lot of mistakes along the way. Mistakes happen. We struggle every day. But each of us have learned to focus on what we need to, even when we need a break and binge-watch shows like Spongebob Squarepants.
Kudos to you both for openly talking about this. Most people don’t really talk about what’s going on deep down and this leads to big time problems.
You're at the top of the BPD research my man. The negative (mis-)interpretation of emotions is one of the core elements of BPD. And it's a protective reaction from a more basic fear, distrust or sometimes abandonment.
One subtle point of disagreement with the research: IMO BPD doesn't make someone "better" at reading emotions in the environment. They are, however, hypersensitive to their environment, one thing of which is emotions. But this hypersensitivity often results in mis-interpretation, e.g., perceiving emotions that aren't there, mis-interpretation of neutral emotions as negative, etc.
I think you're actually repeating much of what Fox said verbatim thruout and toward the end of the vid. There's no dispute btw you two, save that Fox concurs that BPD's read negatives more perceptively. However, he quickly adds they often take that information to another, inaccurate, level. He also says for BPD's positives and neutrals are often interpreted inaccurately, skewed toward the negative.
@@beauhauser true, we could be talking past each other. I just think it's important to distinguish between (1) being sensitive to stimuli in the environment and (2) accurate perceptions. IMO someone with BPD satisfies (1) but not (2). The implications of this is that people with BPD are not good at practicing empathy, etc., which is inconsistent with the way BPD is conventionally understood, e.g., people with BPD have high empathy, etc.
@@srmillard I think borderlines are actually accurate at picking up on negative emotions as the previous person stated...but they feel the negative more intensely than is necessary in the situation...and so there is more meaning attached to it ("He is angry..he hates me...he's going to leave') in the mind of the borderline. Then, of course, they react at a level that , again, is out-of-proportion to the reality of the situation.
@@Chels-fz5uq pwBPD absolutely have more intense feelings/emotions (this is a byproduct of emotional dysregulation). Unrelated to the intensity issue, is the issue of accurately reading peoples' emotions. There are clinical experiments that show that pwBPD are worse at reading the emotions of others than people without BPD. For example, pwBPD tend to read neutral facial expressions as negative (e.g., angry, mad, hostile, etc.) more often than people without BPD.
@@Chels-fz5uq this I feel is correct. I feel everything coming off most people. There are some individuals that give off grey slate and being around them is like a vacation and you can relax. My mind is hyperactive and I feel like a race horse that needs to be ran out. Once I reach physical exhaustion I can collapse to sleep. No sleeping leads to mental fatigue and then mania in this hyper aroused state. I have combat associated ptsd and believe I am stuck in a fight or flight state with this hyper awareness but I live trying to avoid conflict because I slipped into a berserker state and Iam always afraid of loss of control again. Is this BPD?
Being able to read emotions is a talent that comes with bpd.
Anna Mermaid reading them incorrectly is the problem
Anna Mermaid :)
Anna Mermaid how do you not let it affect how ur acting?
@@FortheBudgies
My BPD sister does this. Thinks she has profound insight into what others are thinking and feeling, but its really just projection 9 times out of 10.
@@ZekeMan62 First of all, individuals with BPD can have an intuitive sense for detecting others emotions as the research shows. Secondly, it is not 'projecting' as the common usage of the term is used to describe placing unwanted attributes onto another person. Rather, due to differences in cognitive function which means bpd individuals have a harder time understanding 'why' the person feels the way they do and might mistake others intentions. Bpd may misread others intentions incorrectly due to poorer cognitive elements associated with interpersonal functioning.
Thank you for approaching BPD without treating us like we are bad. It’s so hard to find people or even psychologists without biases against people with bpd. Or maybe that’s just my bpd talking. I don’t know. But you come across to me as someone who I would feel comfortable talking to. I have been struggling so much and it is so nice to hear an authority figure who can walk through the mental steps of bpd. I have quiet bpd, so I deeply internalize and split inwardly. I act in. It’s tough.
It feels like I am in an abusive relationship with myself. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am in counseling every week, but it’s so hard, because I want to please my therapist and I get so scared that she will be disappointed in me.
Could you maybe do a video about how to deal with acting in instead of acting out? If I was in the grocery store situation, I would leave the line and apologize, return my items and then have a panic attack in my car. I would immediately feel like I was a bad person and that I ruined those people’s day. And I would deprive myself of the items I needed and probably wouldn’t return to that store, because I would think they would remember me. Just hearing that scenario made me put myself in that hypothetical bpd person’s head and I started feeling bad about myself.
I do that with books too, especially if they are written in first person. I find it hard to separate myself from the character I am reading about. Is that a normal BPD thing?
I would react the same way too!
@@danitotdyep ditto
For me I take a lot of blame. Everything you said describes me except I internalise my feelings and feel guilt. When my husband sighs or mumbles under his breath or is annoyed by something I hate it because I always think it’s because he’s annoyed by me and he’s talking about me. If I don’t react, then idk how to act, so I ho into myself and try to process the information to work out how I feel about it. Then at some point I process it and if I feel angry about it I will try to trigger my husband into feeling annoyed so I can have a go at him for him and I’ll bring up all the other times and I’ll say “you always do it!”
Borderline Rat Lady yep!! Same here!!
i felt this!!!!!
Omg.. Im like that with my friends. If they upset about something i automatically take it personal. And lli tell her" If you don't want me to be around you I'll leave" . Her response to me" Millie What are you talking about"? and Ill Said to her " Hypocrite, fake" etc.. just because idk the reason why she looks upset" i made it all about me. Reason why I have no friends left. I stressed them out when they dont answer my calls And response to my text. Ill get super frustrated And also hate to see my friends hanging out with other People when im around or not. Ill automatically feel unwanted, im not fun. I'am bored person Etc
.. I'll play all these scenarios in my head. Like " No one care about me cause im stupid,🤦♀️🤦♀️ It feels so good to be around my community. I never knew I have BPD Till i get therapy. It feels good that I'am now understand myself and how to control my emotions, My frustration. I used to see this world as cruel like everyone hates me Nd i don't belong to stay here. No one will never understand me. I'D SOMETIMES HAVE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS 😭 This channel is helping me alot.
@@milliedamus888
I think suicidal thoughts are part of the profile of most bpd sufferers.
Our emotions are so intense and mostly slanting towards the negative.
Is it any wonder we'd often like to 'get out' ie DIE BY OUR OWN HANDS?
This is all me lol! I can laugh about it now but it’s not really funny ( if you know, you know ).
I am a bpd since childhood and a psychic (past/future) empath. I had all of 6 weeks of therapy for bpd in my 62 years. I know I am impulsive. I can feel the emotions of others, therefore I tend to keep to myself. Thanks for making this topic easy to relate to.
I am very much a Christ follower but I am an empath, but what I really don't get is why I feel at home and safe in or around buildings and things from 5he 1800s. Its weird but it's almost like I was there but I do not believe that stuff
I'm BPD and have had psychic premonitions, in dreams and awake, so accurate and bizarre I prefer to pretend they were coincidence to avoid going completely psychotic.
I thought I was crazy thinking I can feel what others feel but I guess this might be a case. Also BPD. I've been avoiding people as much as I could since I turned 40. I'm 44 now and more depressed than ever seeing my life as one big failure. I'm tired of trying to understand people, tired of trying to be accepted, tired of pretending, tired of smiling, laughing with everybody not to be labeled as weirdo. I cannot afford therapy. I'm a single mother. What can you do...
Rachela Ou - What makes you believe you have BPD?
Thank you for this comment. I too am diagnosed BPD and I am a psychic medium with acuity for telepathy and medical intuition/ energy healing. Also an empath. I have not been able to discuss this with anyone who understands in my 24 years of life. I have had so much trouble carrying this incredible emotional and psychic weight... but I am working to be of help to others and make a positive impact with these Spirit given proclivities.
Also just like we can visibly tell when someone is frustrated we can visibly tell when someone is in a hurry so we conclude that all people have this ability and can then visibly tell when we are in a hurry.
When I was a teen I noticed I went out of my way to make sure I was liked by all and when I found out that one person may not like me it seriously fucked me up. I was left in a spiral of trying to figure out what I did wrong...
Later on in life that confusion manifested into anger.
My anger has subsided although can surface under the right stressors or triggers..
I now feel alone in a room full of friends, and the this is the paradox, I want to be alone. My illness tells me that I deserve to be alone and the more I'm alone the more depressed I become, on the flip side if someone noticed I've become isolated and inserts themselves as the person that's going to show affection the more I self sabatoge.
This might be only the beginning of “acting out”...I might end up reckless drive to calm myself down (police?!, speeding), I might end up thinking “why my life is so f*ck*d up?!”, “it only happens to me”, “why I need to suffer so much?!”, “why everyone hates me?!”, so I end my day drinking because of my life is a failure, and goes on and on........blah blah, make a half day, big elephant over an ant....😕😣
Zsuzsanna Molnar you sound just like me 1 ½ years ago! Things are still pretty much the same for me, but I have quit drinking and that’s decreased the negative drama in my life quite a lot. Drinking always seemed to help, but that was an illusion and it actually made things worse.
I hope you find someone great to help you and that things get better for you. ❤️
I hope you are able to break the cycle. I think it is an important step that you have identified it!!
I can relate! Domino effect of negative thinking always seems to lead to drinking for me too 😅
Be careful with the speeding. I know you aren't on a bike but my cousin did the exact same thing last summer on his motorcycle at the end of a night. He went through the red light but could not go through the back of the van that stood in his way, and that was it for him, the end 26 years old. I gave up driving twenty years ago because I was having accident after accident after accident... anger, distraction, or being in a rush. When I was triggered I'd drive dangerously almost hoping to have an accident and die. Today i don't even go into another persons car.. I have become completely car-phobic.. too many car-accident gore videos... no way am I putting my life in the hands of someone else even but for a second. I stay within 3 miles of my house, walking. I gave up my bike for the same reason... I would ride much too fast, dangerous and do all sort of risky insane tricks. My head cannot handle one more trauma, god knows what I would become.
The Narcissist Scape Goat - sounds like you found your circle of peace. I admire you for it. Perhaps those around you might try to shame you for it, but I think it took a lot of courage and wisdom to recognize the risks, figure out a way to mitigate them, and sticking to it. Way to go! You inspire me because I know I lack the courage to live in my circle of peace. Thank you so much for sharing your story so eloquently and with such genuineness. Best wishes to you. Perhaps you could comment if your circle of peace has grown a little? Do you intend to expand the 3-mile radius to maybe 3 1/2? Just curious to learn from you. Thank you.
Dr. Fox you are a genius..im constantly repairing..you have talked about things no therapist has ever talked about ...i want to hug u ..you describe me perfectly. Why do people think BPD is so terrible like Narcissists..😪 we are not evil...we're scared
Brilliant wording ❤ Great comment,Tabby
Slow down, process and reason. This has absolutely saved me, IDK how I came to this on my own but I can 100% attest to the fact that this is a key to dealing with things better. When I forget everything is so bad!
Thank you yet again Dr. Fox!
When I was riding the bus sometimes a person would look at me. I would feel they hated me and didn't know why. So then I felt irritated and probably did the "huff and puff" and then the person would smile at me😳😳😔😔😔 and I'd be "oh"!😂 and feel like a gluteus maximus.
This was brilliant. My mother is BPD and your example is one she's repeated a million times. I used to get angry. Now I just feel bad for her. She's not evil. She's just inept at dealing with these types of situations and it ends up screwing her up even more afterwards. Thank you for this. You explained this so well.
Thank you for this. I have been on the receiving end of familial abuse at the hands of a person who has claimed to be an “empath” and “hypersensitive person” but can also show no empathy for anyone or anything that might oppose their worldview.
Omg! Lol! Get out of my head! Hahahhaa! I have NEVER in my 50 something years on this earth ever met anyone that knows this much about BPD. The accuracy is scary but a relief at the same time.
Because of my MH issues including BPD I've felt misunderstood throughout my life, but I can sit down, watch your videos and know there's at least one person in the world who understands. I always feel less like a lonely alien after I've watched one of your videos. Thank you Dr Fox.
The TH-cam algorithm needs to recommend these mental health channels to more people
It's strange but true that the more repetitively I listen to Dr Fox's messages the more I get from them. I have listened to this presentation at least twice previously and thought I understood, I have become much slower to react in situations such as the one given here. On this listening I have HEARD for what seems like the first time exactly WHY I need to practice reasoning and patience.
You're so right Daniel... recovery is not an overnight fix.
Having a sister with BPD has hurt me so much to the point of wondering if I am as bad and selfish as she has said so many times. I struggle with doing things for me because I feel like I don't deserve them. She is not the only reason I feel this way but her actions throughout my childhood hace affected my lack of self worth.
People within the interpersonal system are likely to experience issues as well. This is not uncommon. I wish you well.
How many years older than you is she? BPD doesn’t start until adolescence. What were your parents like?
I have an abusive BPD sister who has displayed these behaviors my entire life. Including throughout childhood and now into adulthood. It has severely impacted my sense of self worth and safety.
Sometimes it helps to try to process the insults by imagining that’s the inner dialogue the BPD person is having with themselves, and you’re not the actual recipient- just a bystander who bears witness.
I'm sure you are selfish and not a good sister.
Thank you so much for your time! I know you probably have a full practice every day and a family and everything and you still pour your knowledge and personal way of understanding BPD into these videos and we who are aware and have found your channel are given renewed hope! I just hope you understand how vital everything you teach really is. Thank you!
SaRa W well put!.
Wow ...i have never heard my mental illness discussed this way. ...everything u said is so so true for us. I'm the one (at the grocery store) that thinks everyone is looking at me thinking I look like a criminal/bitch/or just don't like me. I'm the one that thinks everyone is pissed at me and I tell some one to fuck off, embarrass myself and leave. Then don't wanna ever go there again lol..
But all I ever hear, all the BPD videos are about how terribly we treat our S/O or how manipulative we are how we devalue and discard..how WE lack empathy. I just got out of a 3 year relationship with a Narcissist. I got discarded btw...but BPD and Narcissists couldn't be more different.
I care TOO much. My life is based on my fears. The overwhelmed status? Called "unrelenting crisis" ...story of my life...i seem to have 3 upheavals/ tragedy to normal people's 1...lol..and I am a true BPD ..all traits and environment as a child that Marsha Linehan suggested in her study...chemical imbalance/genetic emotional disregulation/ abuse/neglect/ invalidating environment...
Wish I could figure out how to calm down lol
Gabor MATE is your man Mr fox is reading of a cue board no compassion
Lol....no wonder I was such a bad waitress!!!
I felt like you were talking about me. I never had someone understand and describe how I feel so well. I laughed. I cried. I felt understood. Thank you.
I'm actually more likely to get mad at the person in line for being impatient. Haha but I have this awful paradox where I love my inlaws and want to spend time with them and they want me to bring the kids over but I'm terrified of being annoying or saying the wrong thing so I avoid them. Then I feel guilty and anxious bc I'm being avoidant. Is it better to make an effort and ignore those anxieties? Is it unreasonable to feel unwanted around?
I would go over with the kids... And "measure" my socialising until I feel safer and safer, more comfortable in increments. Do more listening...
This is me in all my relationships... 😕
Every effort is definitely worth it. And yes it is unreasonable that you feel unwanted. You should keep questioning your negative emotions like you do now, so whenever you feel unwanted, try to find evidence for and against it rather than blindly accepting it. You'll find that they don't hold water.
Don’t smash your pickles
I would feel bad for the person writing the check. I think I am kinder to others than I am myself. I understand being self-conscious and not wanting to annoy my in laws so I avoid then feel guilty! I have found if I focus on being genuinely interested in them it takes my focus off my own self consciousness. Shorter visits more often may help too.
Don't destroy my pickles!!
Thanx for such an intuitive video. I really appreciate your work and compassion.
and from now on, my inner mantra to chill myself out, shall be "don't drop your pickles" lol
@@sassyslsgrl lol
Your content is incredible. Thank you so much for everything you post here! It's all been so helpful.
I'm diagnosed with BPd.. this is correct in how my mind tends to work up to the point of the outburst. I tend to start having a panic attack instead. So in your grocery store example I can feel the frustration coming off the other people and I start sweating and shaking then my mind starts shuting down.
This is a game-changer for me. I've never heard anyone articulate my emotions before, and how they compound out of control, overwhelm me and shut me down. In the process of watching all your videos and they are incredible. Thank you so much from my heart.
I’ve been watching your TH-cam videos on bpd and other personality disorders and I must thank you because your info has shed so much light on this illness that not even my therapists have been able to give me. I felt the need to thank you for helping me have a better understanding of what I can expect and what I can do in regards to my bpd. I hope that you keep doing stuff like this because it is a real blessing. You touch on so many things that I personally struggle with and never knew that it was because of my bpd. So once again thank you and hope you have a nice day.
One of the few Doctors I've seen on YT that doesn't make you feel like a monster
Thank you for the very professional opinion. No fluff, straight to the point
Holy COW!!!! Thank you so very much. I just can't tell you how much this helped me. It explained things I have never understood about myself with a lifetime of therapy, and years with a psychiatrist, all resulting in complete collapse into major depression as my life has spun out of control. Thank you so very much!
You’re welcome.
The finest video about BPD that I ever viewed on TH-cam.
Thank you!
here's me: feel like everyone is annoyed and i have to make up for the time the checkwriter took up and then get rushed and hurried myself; then, that's when i fumble my pickles and cause a bigger problem and embarrass myself without even initially being involved; no more saving the other people's feelings... :)
I sometimes do get that misperception of what people are thinking, but even if it is negative thought I sometimes take it internally as, "they don't like me and i probably deserve it". I never get angry at them, just myself. My type of borderline is not represented, quiet, empathetic for others. I feel so much compassion for others that I can get very sad.
I like your techniques for getting out of dissasociating. The grounding is something I will try.
Thanks for your videos. You are one of my favorite you tube providers.
Goodness me! The example of a supermarket is so incredibly accurate! I still really struggle with this process. I tend to lash out and express it, usually accompanied with thoughts along the line of 'they hate me, they're thinking horrible things about me, and want to hurt me anyway so I might as well get in there first and tell them what I think' or I think those things, internalise it, rush to get out of the situation and then take it out on myself in the form of self harm.
I don't know if it would be helpful to anyone else but I have a keyring with lots of different textures on and I find that if i squeeze it, feel it, I get a few minutes thinking time to try and work out a plan of action. It's not uncommon for the 'problem' to resolve itself whilst I'm concentrating on playing with my keyring.
Thank you for another wonderfully helpful and informative video.
Thank you for being so kind and uplifting, and genuinely helpful. So many people will ditch us with BPD or automatically label us as bad, and I've heard that I am lucky I found a counselor who didn't drop me as soon as she found out my diagnosis. There isn't much compassion or support for us, so videos like this are really important and helpful.
I love your videos so much. I've been struggling with almost everything you explain for a long time and I've started to win the fights against my BPD having absolutely no resources on BPD, not to mention I got the exact diagnosis a few months ago, though I'm suffering from this for years. And now I can see things clearly explained, and I'm starting to understand how I can improve all the coping strategies that I use and new areas which I couldn't see that were affected by the BPD. It is also absolutely empowering to get a well structured understanding of the processes that are happening inside my head. Thanks for being there for us.
Definitely a great video to go back to -- in my favorite's bar folder of BPD!! Just got the workbook and can't even express how amazing it is from the very beginning and throughout.
This is so concise and accurate. Thank you yet again for fairly representing the condition ❤️
Thanks for all your videos and your empathy. Your kind words and understanding are so helpful and soothing and I can't stress enough about how good you're making to people with BPD
I am proud of myself. I have worked hard on this tendency and i have a mental checklist i go through before i react. Getting enough sleep. Setging realistic boundaries and surrounding myself with empathetic people and cutting out toxic people has helped tremendously!
This explains a lot about my last relationship with someone who suffers at her own hands with BPD. I wish I could share the information but, the train has left the building.
I like this content but I feel like what's missing is that the person experiencing BPD in the scenario has a fundamental inability to intuit self-interest when feeling trapped, stressed, or on the spot. It's not just about slowing down - we have to build the muscle of choice - to be able to say to ourselves in the moment, 'Hey self, this is a stressful, super triggering situation but my self interest/best way to accomplish my needs/safest way to exit is to buy my groceries, not to drop have a reaction that drops my needs like dominos.'
Dude right on like I say to myself “gabby don’t split” and it works when this is happening
Hamish McGlashan dont I know I actually use root chakra affirmations in the morning if you’re into that stuff
This is something my therapist has been teaching me in DBT. She recommended I put ice on my chest or the back of my neck when having an episode. It's supposed to shock the nervous system out of that moment of blind panic so you can realize that hey, I'm panicking, I should calm down and not give into my dangerous impulses.
I describe it as a fight-or-flight response. It's like a flashback, but without a flashback, but for me, triggers often remind me of negative situations that happened in the past. To get away from the intense, negative emotions they cause me, I either fight or flight, fight being to throw a fit in a borderline typical fashion, flight to cut all contact so I can avoid being hurt.
I learn so much from his videos. When he explains the traits of BPD or situations, I almost feel I’m sitting in front of him as my therapist. I find him to so much connected to BPD patients than other therapist.He is knowledgeable, compassionate and understanding. He really helps me understand my BPD.
I have complex ptsd, which in many ways mimicks the symptoms of BPD. I'm not sure how I stumbled across this channel, but it has been so enlightening. There isn't enough good, practical information out there for people struggling with these issues to use in their day to day recovery, so I'm very grateful for Dr. Fox for taking the time to share his knowledge.
If the comments on his videos are an accurate representation, he is doing much good to many people. 🙏🏻
This applies to me. I've noticed it a while ago, but realizing it actually made me doubt in the validy of my own feelings- every time I'm angry I ask myself do I have a valid reason to be angry and the worst thing is I never know... and it feels so bad.
The other thing is that although I pick too much of others emotions, behaviours, I can feel the vibe in the room, I get into situations where people are upset with me for something I did and didn't realize could get someone upset. I realize it only after and I get so angry at myself, loose any sense of worth. And I feel like I have no social skills, no sense of what's ok and what's not. This makes me want to stay at home and never have contact with others so that I dont embarrass myself or be disliked by others. Eh.
I ordered a taxi yesterday and was almost there when I got offered a lift which I said “sure” to and then the taxi showed up and the lady said “whatever you want to do” etc and I got emotional and took that as rejection and said “I can’t make a decision about this now” and hopped in the taxi. Due to the overwhelm I assumed negativity
Great and true example. I hope the ride wasn't with a stranger (I'm not making a joke). Safety is important.
Some time s sarcasm and people joking can be confusing , Al so the tone of the voice , Context and situation , All can be blurred ,This usually is perceived negativity,And taken Personally .
I absolutely love your videos. I have BPD, ADHD, MDD, and CPTSD. These videos have really given me more awareness of myself that I never received. I've been in therapy since I was 12 and am now 30. Thank you so so so much! Now I know what to look for in a good psychologist.
So grateful for you doc!! You are the only one I have seen that gives us credit enough to see that we can get better. I've attended anger management and learned to watch my thoughts so I haven't had a tantrum in quite a while now lol. I care about people and never set out to hurt anyone. Not malicious or revengeful and I often think of what I can do to help others. Yet they say Borderlines are self-centered and worse. You explain the background reasons why we have certain behaviors and I truly appreciate someone, especially a dr, who can and does TAKE THE TIME TO FIGURE US OUT instead of just going by what a college taught etc. BY THE WAY, after 26 years of trying to fix me I have gotten a better grip on my issues BUT I'm hitting a wall with some things. Mty case is pretty severe with the neglect and first foster home at 3-4 years old for 2 years then another at 10.... ANYWAY I am looking for someone to allow me to be a study case so I can finally get some medicine and further help. I FEEL SO ALONE and I am. Mom and little sister is all I have had beside a few visits in my younger years by moms side of family. Dad was injured in military I was told then died when I was like 8. Literally no family, no ins. My story is wild and a book could definitely happen SO HELP A GIRL OUT. I have proof of all my attempts on my own to fix me or at least not attempt suicide again. I havent tried in like 10 years now BUT THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. Thank you.
This explains so much about my ex husband. Thank you for bringing clarity to me. We have two children and I’m seeing some of these tendencies show up in our oldest child who’s 11. I don’t know what to do to help them see things from a different perspective. Everything is taken so personal and the push back is too much for me to handle some days.
This is the second video I’ve seen of yours and can’t wait to dive into more. Thank you for your insight.
Great, thanks I like the stories you use to illustrate the point you are making, makes me re examine events in the past, very helpful.
Never, have I heard someone describe the way I feel so succinctly than in the way you just did in this 15 minute video. I didn't even know it had a name, for this frustration I feel - Empathy Paradox. Absolutely amazing. Thank you so much
This video and a bunch of your other videos have been so helpful for me!! I have been practicing slowing down my response times and that has helped me so much in my relationships and my sense of control over a situation. Thank you again for your content ❤️❤️
Another great explanation in helping bpd sufferers and non-bpd suffers understand behaviours associated with the condition. Thank you!😉
I got misdiagnosed with BPD once due to self harm, but listening to all the symptoms it just confuses me how that psychiatrist could ignore everything else and jump to a conclusion due to self harm (I specifically mentioned my trauma and that that's what makes me self harm) and give me a label and treatment that made things worse (antipsychotics made my dissociation so bad I became even more dysfunctional than I was before, memory gaps became worse and worse etc) In the example I wouldn't say anything cause I would be too anxious to ever bring attention to myself and would wait no matter how long it takes just to avoid attention. I once waited in the waiting room of another psychiatrist for an hour too scared to knock and ask if they forgot about my appointment until they asked me why I was sitting there and I mentioned it and yes turns out they did forget
Regretfully, many mental health provider use what I call Golden Criteria, which is one single criteria and give the full diagnosis. This is unprofessional and inappropriate. I'm sorry you had that experience.
The way he just explained my whole existence 😭❤️
Thank you for the neutral way you explain the experiences, perspectives, and characteristics of BPD. This gives me hope when I hear BPD explained in ways like this.
I've listened to this several times. 8t is so crucial to fully understand in order to get better.
Really helpful. I have been through the grocery scene myself and other shops. Thank you so much, I now feel like I know what to do.
Thank you for a positive and kind look at BPD. I learned something about myself today.
I’m 25. I was in the mental heath system for 13 years and I’ve pretty been told they can’t do anything else for me.
I’ve always thought i was just incredibly empathetic. I’ve never been told about warped empathy and how it can mix with rejection. It makes so much sense! It’s like powering up and then pulled so fast back to Earth, very fast. Wow you have no idea how grateful I am for this!
Your so brilliant! I could never thank you enough for sharing these videos! ❤️
+jessica blackaller-kidd 🦊👍
Could you please do a video about how to find the right therapist for us? What traits to look for.
He has a video about this :) it's called Finding a Therapist to Help You ... or something close to that
Liane Cox oooh thank you !!
Dr. Fox Thank you for all you do for the Cluster B community. I personally only do this with regard to loved ones. I can see a clearer mental picture with regard to people I have no attachments to. I would see that the cashier would be irritated with the guy with the checkbook, but if this was loved one, I would think everyone was angry at me and I was doing something wrong.
Same,which then leads to me intentionally not making connections with people because I really dislike the feeling, I've found that I have greater /better relationships with people before I have an emotional attachment, once I do it all begins to go 👎
Wow, i love you. Watching your videos gives me the rare joy of feeling truly understood. Thank you so much for everything you do
Wowser! This is me, I can remember numerous examples of just the shopping incident alone. Thank you so much Dr Fox for describing it all so clearly and straightforwardly. I always thought I was a complete freak to feel and react like this..but now I understand more why.
Your videos really do teach me so much about what it means to live with BPD.
You are awesome. Thank you. 🙂
TY Dr. Fox. I am guilty of this empathy paradox and similar situations.
I will be more careful and be slow and steady instead of the Roadrunner(beep beep) I am so often.
Finally! Thank you so much for bringing Sensitivity and the Empath to the forefront. My life has been a living hell and most therapist are not versed in HSPs. I implore you to also consider CPTSD as Sensitives are in a constant state of fight or flight coupled with one misunderstanding after another. I will be 60 in December and just a few years ago discovered the knowledge of who and why I am. We struggle so much in life, only to be labeled in a negative manner. Again, thank you and I do hope and pray you might perhaps do a complete series on helping Sensitives and Empaths use their gift for the greater good. God Bless.
Do you feel like you have BPD? I'm definitely HSP and an empath, I was raised by a narcissistic mother so BPD would fit me but I'm not sure. I do have major abandonment issues but I'm also very spirituality aware and psychic like you. I feel like an outsider as I can read people so well that I feel drained and overwhelmed interacting with them. I do get very depressed but I feel that comes from feeling an outsider and alone. Its a paradox as I feel I would love nothing more than to be close to someone and feel loved. It's tough!
Sorry it wasn't you that mentioned being being psychic but I relate so much to everything else you said
Thank you for this, this came at a very good time. I appreciate your videos Dr. Fox.
Dr. Fox you are so amazing. Where have you been all my life. How refreshing to listen to you. Thank you.
you are like the king of bpd knowledge. I always feel heard and seen on your videos explaining the various forms and things of bpd, it’s helped me a lot these past few years you’re doing great sir! do you have any books out?
Yes. Check my website. Thanks
u got the nail on the head so uncannily it's almost freaky
Kim Stange right
Thank you so much! You are a gem. I was recently diagnosed and I didn't even know it existed.
Excellent presentation! The example in the grocery store was so real for me as I am a cashier at my local co-op and can relate to that story pretty much to the exact detail!
Plus we have our share of BPD customers as well as other psychotics and JPN folks.
Totally this is why i can't deal with my cousin no contact always disorted thinking
Thank you for explaining this... I have a hard time explaining it to people who dont understand my disorder.... it's like, REALLY HARD. They think I dont have empathy or that I am attention seeking, but that's just not the case.
Thank you SO MUCH!!
You are an amazing gift to the clinical social work community. I appreciate you so much.
Wow, can this man be my therapist? I am very aware and always went to therapy. Stopped whenever I was 17 because my therapist thought I was fine, and I was then. Now I am seeking for ways to be more aware and understand my BPD further and I am so grateful to come across his channel. Seriously amazing human with so much knowledge. Thank you for being there and informing/educating!! 💜
Hi Dr. Fox, are you into the concept of HSP (highly sensitive person) as well? I would be really interested in a video regarding the overlap of HSP and BPD.
This!!!
This makes sense I often wonder if I can trust my instincts and it makes me so sad to think I might not be able to. I just feel like when it’s not about me they can be so accurate and I always thought I was perceptive but then I go and mess things up with an overreaction and feel like crap later it’s so disempowering to feel like you aren’t able to trust yourself. Which just feeds the need for validation from others on what to do or how to react and feel :( but I think I can trust what I pick up I just can’t necessarily trust the reason that pops in my head to explain the shift in behavior and if I can I should just ask that person why they were acting that way. And I’m really gonna try delaying my actions, last time I made a pro and con list and let it sit for a few hours before I compared it and decided what to do I think that helped
This is the best video on BPD that I have seen in my career thus far.
I'm so grateful to have found this channel. So appreciative of your labor and sharing your knowledge, gracias
10:20 --> so perfectly explained, thank you.
Speaking for myself and others in similar circumstances when I was young it was critical to read the emotions in the environment. We tried to stay invisible but that wasn't always possible. By learning to pick up on various emotions and what actions they might lead to we planned how we might prevent or lessen an attack. It was necessary to survival. Those were the coping skills that so-called normal people never had to learn. Now we have to unlearn them and replace them with positive things. If we don't we will always be paying a debt we never owed. We will never be anything close to balanced in the eyes of the world or in our own eyes.
I had an extremely verbally abusive mother and a succession of pedophile stepfathers. I'm 71 years old and I've avoided doing any healing because I was afraid of the emotions that I felt, except in the last 2 years. Does Dr Fox do any videos on why we borderline personality disorder people can be so hypersexual? My theory is that it floods us with endorphins which make us feel good. Feeling good is not easy with this illness.
Thanks so much for making these videos, they really are helping my life a lot right now. I hope you continue making them, they are very insightful! Wish I still lived in Texas so I could see you as my therapist haha! 😊
Wow. I have been thinking about the ideas you have shared in this video for the past few days, and they are eye-opening. The way you have understood the nature of BPD is incredible.
You are so welcome!