Running from the past: Why I Quit YouTube For a Year +
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ก.ค. 2024
- Over 14 months ago, I suddenly quit creating content without saying a word. Why? Over a year ago, I revealed the existence of trauma I've never shared, and by doing so, I had a total collapse. But during that same time, a new mental illness finally emerged from the shadows. It's taken 14 months of effort and planning to get to this point.
In this return to TH-cam video, I discuss 3 important topics:
1. What was I running from?
2. What hidden mental illness do I suffer with?
3. Why did I come back?
I've missed my channel and my audience so much, and I am excited to be back!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapters:
0:00 - Intro
2:46 - Chapter 1: Running from the past
5:33 - Secret Struggle as a Creator
8:48 - Chapter 2: The last 14 months
11:06 - The hidden mental illness
12:52 - Chapter 3: Why I came back
18:35 - Outro and closing remarks
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Social Media:
Twitter: / east_bound_yt
Channel Instagram: / eastbound_channel
Personal Instagram: / christopher.east
Fitness Instagram: / east__bound
TH-cam Email: christophereastchannel@gmail.com
Support Me:
Patreon - / eastboundyt
paypal.me/EastBoundTH-cam?lo...
www.venmo.com/Chris-East95
** Any donations are sincerely appreciated and will strictly go towards the growth of this channel (equipment, software, etc). If you have any other question please contact me at christophereastchannel@gmail.com **
![[TH] VCT Pacific Stage 2 - Playoffs Lower Bracket Final // PRX vs DRX](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/5HwO1bQyAx4/mqdefault.jpg)
Honestly, I assumed the worst from your silence. I’m glad you’re still alive. I just want to say, at least with regards to me, that I’ll still follow your channel and eagerly await your uploads even if you take an unannounced 14 year hiatus!
I don’t want to say I’m looking forward to your content, considering the subject matter and amount of emotional strength it will require from you to open up, but I’m glad you are well enough to post again.
P.S. Short hair looks good on you. I know it has deep psychological meaning and I appreciate that, but you are rocking it from a purely aesthetic standpoint.
Yeah, I feel bad for the concern I caused with the way I disappeared, and ironically during my time away, I've been the least suicidal I have ever been in a long while. I am looking forward to the doors that open with discussing these topics!
And thank you for the compliment about the hair Tweenandcute, I'm glad it suits me!
I missed you so much East! I've been through my own isolation from the end of last year to a month ago because of major personal life changes and a mental health collapse. Everything kind of collapsed in my life at once and a lot of my friends and family didn't hear from me for months. It took me a long time before I talked about it with anyone. I'm happy to see you back and still healing. The work never really stops does it? 😅 I thought I had most of everything figured out but I realized how much I still have yet to heal from.
OhMyNykkers!!! I am sorry to hear about your own mental collapse. "I thought I had most of everything figured out, but I realized how much I still have yet to heal from." oof, this hit so close to home. There are few things as crushing as putting your hope into one thing, being the problem/solution, only to discover a whole new area to overcome. Happy to hear from you again!
So glad to see you back!
So so proud of you. Can't wait to see this next chapter unfold for you
So glad to see you again. You have been an inspiration to many. We’re here for you. ❤
Alexandra! Thank you so much for the kind words and for stopping by the stream! It means a lot
glad you are back, I had the worst year of my life, now on my new antidepressants I feel better, can't wait to see more vids from you.
Good to see you again copamatique!! I am sorry you had the worst year, anything in particular? What new antidepressant were you put on?
I feel I at least somewhat understand (as much as one human can truly ‘understand’ the mind of another human) your rationale regarding a need to establish consistency for the channel, but on a purely human level, I just want you to know that I accept you for who you are in your totality, as much as an internet stranger can- your strengths, your perceived shortcomings, the tension which might exist between these peaks and valleys… you are deserving and inherently invaluable, no matter what happens.
Of course, I too believe in your potential and hope that you are able to bring to fruition all that you envision (including what may exist for you beyond what you could possibly envision in this present moment), but I also just hope you know that even if those endeavors were all to “fail”, even if you never changed again from the person you are today… you are worthy, you were worthy, and you will always be worthy. You can never lose that, ever… your intrinsic, unconditional value as a wonderfully intricate, sentient being, full of life and the beautifully complex manifestations of its seemingly infinite facets.
Well damn, Amber, this is such a sweet comment and hard to respond to. Mainly because of the idea of "were worthy," such an idea is hard to accept. Or that if my ventures were to fail, I would still have value. My own self-worth, in general, is complex and often difficult subject for me to navigate. As much as parts of me want to reject the idea, I appreciate and value such kind works.
@@East-Bound I’m glad this could resonate with you in some way.
And also, if I may offer a small piece of (probably unsolicited) advice, I would say this- even if right now, or possibly ever, you cannot truly accept that you are worthy, then that’s okay. Stay curious, though, about your instinctual inclination to want to reject such an idea. Ponder like you would any other subject which fascinated you, and maybe ask yourself, “Why do I think I feel this way? What purpose does it serve to reject an idea of this caliber? Might my rejection perhaps be protecting me from a perceived danger or harm, and if so, what might that perceived danger or harm be?”.
It is incredibly painful and arduous and seemingly endless to navigate at times, but I have come to develop an intense fascination for disentangling what stories I tell myself about myself, and why. It can be excruciating and beautiful and horrifying all at once, to examine these narratives with such a jarring thoroughness, but I believe it is critical to do so if we ever hope to genuinely connect with the core of our being.
Even if your relationship to yourself were to never change, I say leave no stone unturned when it comes to exploring the essence of exactly who and what you are. When you allow curiosity and self-compassion to become your compass, you can never truly be lost.
As they say, “Wherever you go, there you are”. Ultimately, in the context described above, I think this perhaps one of our most precious gifts as humans… that we can never really lose ourself, so long as we are still alive. No matter how many times we’ve loathed ourself, turned against ourself, allowed the world or other people to get in between us and our own tender relationship to the self… there is always the chance to come back, to make amends with oneself, to return home (or perhaps to arrive home at last, for the very first time).
I hope this isn’t too rambling. I am just quite personally invested in this subject matter, and ultimately, I wish for you too to have the chance to return home, eventually, if you want to.
@@Amber24426 Oh, I absolutely agree with the ideas you have put forth. Especially the relentless questioning of yourself and your beliefs.
I have a personal philosophy called "The Vivisected Life," where I metaphorically cut into myself, looking for hard truths.
I am actually working on a video about why trying to believe in yourself is so agonizing. I reject my own worth because I have spent my whole life trying to accept that I was unlikeable or unworthy as a means to numb, but now I'm afraid that the second I start to believe life will come to so brutally put me in my place.
What are your personal thoughts on this topic of why trying to believe in yourself is agonizing?
So well articulated Amber😊!❤ I think the same way and the idea of COMPLETE acceptance of yourself and circumstances. Then u can understand the truth that ultimately any clear self reflection will just end up helping you identify things that need to be questioned in the first place in order 2 be worked on😊❤
We're here for you! Take your time and always do what feels right and best for your health.
I am so glad that you are back. I know how difficult it is to face the past, your responses, and the apologies needed. Keep doing what you are doing it is much appreciated....Do It Afraid
yDONNAy!!! One of the OG's, it's been so long. How have you been? What has life had in store for you these last 14 months I was gone?
Edit: I like that: "Do it afraid," there is this writing quote that I love that goes:
“The thing you are most afraid to write
Write that.”
So thank you for that powerful reminder!
So glad you're back and doing well! Congratulations on the diagnosis! while scary, it means correct treatment! And I know how life shattering BPD can be as I've seen it in the lives of friends and I've also seen how life changing treatment can be!! Excited to see what you'll do!
Erin! Nice to see your name pop up again. Luckily being diagnosed has been incredibly positive so far, and helped curb a lot of the negative parts of the disorder.
Excited to launch certain plans!
It’s great to see your face again 😊. I’m sorry you have been going through so much. Sending as much care and support to you as I can through a screen
meepmoopmeep1, it's great to be back. The support and encouragement I receive from my audience means more than you could know. I would have not come back without it!
Hey man, you are an inspiration. Good luck with everything. You have so much passion and honesty !
monaconico you are far too kind! I appreciate the comment and am glad my immense efforts to be authentic are seen!
Great to see you back! ❤
Julie! One of my original subs! Good to see your name pop up in the comments again!
You have a lot to offer. Keep growing!
Kinds words C R, trying my best ❤️
Hope your doing good man its gonna be a great vid
I’m doing much better, excited to be back!
Always great seeing you on here! I’m glad you’re in a better space and wish you all the best moving forward. Love the new setup, btw.
Awh, thank you for the compliment on the set-up, I'm moderately trying to do the whole "TH-camr thing"
I feel at some point Chris and East might meet again. A merge and synthesis of both, becoming something new. Your truest real self. My appreciation for your courage, strength and vulnerability. I know what it takes to show oneself this naked. Denisa, Romania
I'm glad you are alive and as well as you can be. You are a very articulate person, although you mentioned a wide variety of issues and feelings without going into in depth specifics, your sincerity, hope, and sadness all seemed to come together at the same time. Although I haven't experienced the vast majority of things you mentioned, I found myself getting surprisingly emotional listening to you. I suppose part of it's empathy, but I think it's more than that. You're saying things that all deep thinkers dabble with. The complexity of life. We're all a mix of light and dark, capable of great kindness and terrible cruelty. Are we bad but want to be good? I can't really pinpoint it. But it was moving. I'll check out your other videos. All you can do is try to be the best you you can, and that will always be enough!!! 🙏
Reaper! Thank you for such a vulnerable and thoughtful comment. You bring up questions/ideas that have plagued me for years. That looming question of whether we are bad or good. I agree that we are a mix of light and dark. The nature of my traumatic experiences revealed the true depths of my own darkness, and it took a long time to come to terms with what I was capable of. I have some really interesting deep dives into these topics I want to do in the future. These philosophical questions are so fascinating to me. What are some other life questions that have captured your attention in the past?
Oh, I’ve missed you so much Christopher! 💜 Elated you’re back & that you’ve found clarity. Good on you for deciding to give it another shot. You are meant to do this. We haven’t gone anywhere and don’t plan on it and I’m just so grateful that you were taking that time to do the hard work.
Layla the OG, OG. Thank you so much for your support and for being a friend.
Glad to see you again!
Likewise Job! I appreciate the support and comment!
Glad you're back and hope you well on your journey.
Despite the challenges ahead, I am the most stable and prepared I have ever been. Which is hopefully enough to carry me forward. I hope things are well with you too StarPanda!
Welcome back, glad to see you again :). I have strong mental health, and sadly cutting out toxic people come so easy to me, this is because I realized that toxic people just break me down and cause problems in my marriage. Mostly my in-laws. My MIL is a very toxic personality. I've recently cut her out my life and sadly for her, my unborn daughters life too, I just feel like it is not worth putting this innocent child through her drama. I made it clear when she wanted a relationship that I don't do drama, she is DRAMA. It is very important for mental health that you work on you and try to be fine with being alone and happy. There is no room for toxic personalities, especially if you struggle with metal health. Stay strong and proud of you for taking care of you :)
RPGlove!! An OG sub, how's life? You're expecting a daughter?! Congratulations! Although I am sad to hear that you had to cut out your MIL (proud of you for setting boundaries), I still want to celebrate that great news! The person I cut out hurt because I knew part of the reason things were toxic was my own fault, but I couldn't seem to make things better and felt the need to cut things off. A year + later and I am happy I did, despite missing them.
@@East-Bound Life is good thanks, glad to see you be so active again. Cutting out a person doesn't mean it was all bad, you might have such great times together, but in the end, not all in your life is meant to stay forever. Some is just part of the journey and help with growth. It seems you are at a great place for self growth. :)
I stop talking to people and let them go very easily so I understand you going away and doing what you did. It’s cool you’re here now though. Looking forward to your future vids.
I can relate to you a lot.
I am both happy and sometimes sad that people can relate. I often talk about heavy topics that were really hard to live with. I hope you are doing well, Danielle!
Okay, first of all, *welcome back!!!*
Secondly, it's funny you released this video, considering I've also been dealing with having disappeared from all my social media pages too for more than a year after a difficult time (been gone since late 2021), and on top of that have been really confused on what direction to take things with my creative path. That clip you included in the video was just what I needed to hear for where I'm at right now, and it actually made me tear up when you mentioned how your absence has impacted your friends, since you said everything I'd like to say so perfectly that I might just send them the link to this video instead of directly saying anything. I'm not the best with words, but just wanted to share an overall appreciation for your candor and vulnerability in the video and say welcome back! Excited to see what's in store for the channel, peace!
The Les Brown clip gets me every time and makes me feel so convicted. I really appreciate the kind and vulnerable comment Axeslinger!
Glad you’re back!
Thank you Sara, strange to be back after all this time but looking forward to the future
Glad to see you're still here brother, glad you felt comfy having the chat with us - really appreciate your candour. Thanks mate xo (I got a BP diagnosis after I turned 50, seems so obvious now but my oath how liberating it's been having those words on paper, hey)
Any words of reassurance from the other side of the diagnosis? Also, completely agree, so obvious in retrospect haha like blindly so
I would not say I've changed, though perhaps others would, but I feel far more empowered to be the bits of me I truly like and like being around. I identified what was causing the most grief and stress in my life, and cut it. I now have a new job and career where I get to help hundreds of people a day. I won't say the new career is all roses, but my oath I'm a lot less stressed about my life now than I have ever been before and am super looking forward to the rest of it instead of dreading waking up each day. I won't say there is joy on the other side for you, because I cannot know your journey. I will say that by taking an approach of managing one's own mental health is a job in itself and from that it's entirely possible to achieve, and I would like you to hang on to that possibility. I hope you understand what I mean.
@@relwalretep I completely understand what you mean! Many of my life experiences have aligned with what you said about "managing one's own mental health is a job itself," the more time and effort I've put into that, the better my life has become. Btw congrats on finding a job that makes you happier to the point where you no longer dread waking up!
I’m glad you’re still here. ❤
I’m happy to be back, I appreciate and value your support Jamie!
So good to see your face again!
Rosanna!!! So good to see you in the comments again, how's life been?
Life has been lifing 😊. Things are good in my life, with even better stuff on the horizon. I have genuinely felt your absence on this platform, glad to have you back.❤
Ahhh, so happy you‘re back, Christopher!
Changeophil!!! It's been so long, how are things?
@@East-Bound Right?? Getting more resilient and confident with every challenge life throws at me.💫 And finally starting to embrace that overcoming those challenges is a core part of life rather than an unfortunate inconvenience😁. Feeling present and grateful 🙏🏻✨
I am glad to see you are still around you are a special person. I use to have mania episodes aswell when I was younger life was not easy. Now in my mid 30s I no longer have them but there are no longer abusive manipulative people in my life, I have more control of my life then when I was younger. Sometimes I miss the mania due to energy bursts but this way of living is healthier. With mental emotional issues with continued perseverance you can chip away at them, to the point you can be a different man 10 years down the road. I know you are not the only man who has experienced SA in a romantic relationship once you put that out there it could end up helping quite a few process what happened to them aswell. Men need a platform to be able to talk about things like this more openly.
I completely get missing mania, now that I am medicated I don’t have manic (or depressive episodes). I definitely miss being manic, especially when I would trigger episodes with the abuse of nicotine (which I quit out right). I also agree with your thoughts on having perseverance being key!
I would really like to create a platform for men who are abuse victims or struggle with eating disorders to feel more comfortable opening up about those kinds of hardships.
I'm glad to see you
Joel Ripke himself! Thank you for the support ❤️
Totally unrelated to this video but your voice is gorgeous. You’d make a great audiobook reader.
Such a kind compliment Cee Bee! I often feel like my voice is overdramatic but I can't help my reading voice haha
Sorry I'm late!😂🎉 sooo good 2c u! Chris❤😊
Eleisa! No such thing as being late! It's so good to be back!
Missed you bro
MASon!!! It's been a while. Thank you so much for dropping in the live stream. It means a lot!
@@East-Bound Your welcome!! also thanks for reading off some of my questions. I will for sure reach out on instagram, to let you know what I've been experiencing this past year with my struggles & encourage everyone else to do the same. Thanks!!
So pleased to see you! Sending love and healing, I've walked in SA shoes, your words resonated with me. It does such damage to the soul! No one needs to know details other than SA! Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, honour yourself and heal ❤🩹 you don't owe anyone a damn thing! You are loved xx
I want to express my condolences that you too have experienced some form of SA. Although I know no one is entitle to details or to know in general, I do hope that by opening up about those experiences and why they lead to things like self-hate or self-destruction I can help others have a better understanding of themselves.
I sincerely appreciate such a lovely comment Axeslinger94!
The future never comes because it will just be now when it comes
you don't know how happy I was to see your face again! proud of you for the progress you've made over the last 14 months and looking forward to everything that's coming ヾ(•ω•`)o
Maru! Long time no see haha 😅 I adore seeing familiar names pop up in comments!
S•xual abuse really f•cks you up. ❤ You're brave.
I don't really talk about mine, partly b/c it doesn't seem to help the PTSD any.
SA does quite the number on the way you view yourself, Idk about brave I did abandon everything for over a year because I was so afraid, but I appreciate the compliment. And I agree I found talking about it didn’t really help my C-PTSD either, only a lot of painful introspection has helped me largely get on the other side
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
❤️
Longer hair like yours might sometimes hide. How bald people might be
Haha luckily not balding quite yet
It’s good to see you again! Watching now!
I was previously “moonchildjace”
Yes, of course, I recognize the photo! Thank you for pointing out the name change Bella!
@@East-Bound Awh yay, my heart. No problem. I still have you on twitter and my name on there has also changed to this. If you ever need an outside voice to talk to I’m always willing to listen. I’ve gone through a tremendous amount of trauma, and healing, so I understand so much of what you say. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
@@bellafaery Haha, I still have no idea how to use Twitter to this day. I would love to reach out Bella, it is really helpful to bounce ideas off other people that have serious trauma, but are in a place where discussing it isn't triggering!
@@East-Bound oh I understand! There’s a messenger on there where we could chat or we could use this for now? Whatever makes you feel okay! And yes, i know it can feel very lonely when there are so many things that have happened to you and others can’t quite comprehend all of the layers of healing and trauma that’s taken place. 🙏🏻
@@bellafaery Yeah, Twitter Dm's work for me!
Välkommen tillbaka! 😊🫶
Missed you, man!
I appreciate all the supportive messages along the way Erika!