This video is gold. So spot on with the symptoms and conditions of this syndrome. There needs to be a lot of education regarding this especially in the court system and for attorneys to use PAS as the means to bring justice. Thanks to the speaker
@ no, nobody understands except my cousin who lost her adult son to fentanyl. Two years later her daughter started doing to her, what my son is doing to me and she said “it’s like she died. It’s feels the same as when my son died.” That is when I realized that what we’re going through is like mourning a death. It’s that serious, so no, my family and friends don’t understand. And they never will unless it happens to them. Obviously, because my son is alive, there is hope, but I can’t hold my breath. I have to accept what it is. Besides, even if my son called tomorrow and apologized, the damage is too far done. It would take YEARS of consistent behavior for me to trust him, so we’re talking a decade of lost time going forward, and already a decade of lost time from the past. Decades of distance can’t be undone over night. And then well-intentioned people say “apologize for any hurt you may have caused him” - it’s like, “okay, like every estranged parent hasn’t ALREADY done that!!! That’s the first thing we did!!!” The truth is, I’m the one owed an apology, that’s what nobody gets!!! It’s not me, who needs to apologize and that’s why we’re where we’re at.
I'm a victim of extreme parental alienation. Since the age of 4, potentially even earlier, I was tactically used by my father as a weapon for revenge against my mom. I was brainwashed and manipulated into hating my mom, stepdad, aunt, and grandmother. I idolized my father as any young boy would and he used that to his advantage. He would plant seeds into my head to make me doubt them, he told me every negative story he could remember, he'd make fun of them, and blame them for everything and I went along with it. I didn't know any better. I remember an instance when I was 4, my father had dropped me off at my moms apartment and when we got there I ran and excitedly gave my stepdad a hug. My father called me over and scolded me saying something along the lines of "he's not your father, I am. Don't do that". This obviously left an impact on my extremely young mind and I rarely ever showed affection towards my stepdad again. Another time, my father told me a story about how my mom went to jail for shoplifting. Looking back it's obvious he's trying to paint my mom in a bad light, but as a young boy who doesn't know anything, I viewed my mom differently. These are only a couple of examples out of the literally countless times I've been told negative things about ,my mom and anyone that had to do with her. This pattern of manipulation and brainwashing happened until I was 17. As I became more aware of what was going on I finally lost it. My father dropped me off at school one day and in the middle of the office I exploded. I yelled and screamed at the top of my lungs, years and years of anger and frustration were erupting from me. Soon after that day I cut my father out of my life. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows however. Thoughts of being a bad son invaded my head of years after, I was scared to go to stores near where he lived, and he would stalk my social media accounts. Even going as far as getting his new wife and her children involved. They would all constantly try to reach out to me, it was a nightmare. I just wanted to move on with my life. The day before my 20th birthday I ran into him at a Dunkin Donuts near where he lived, my fear came true I guess. We had an exchange and one of the first things he told me was "I can't sleep because of you". I'm speechless just reliving the moment in my head. The conversation was a disaster. He gave me a few hollow apologies while I was crying a river trying to explain how bad he hurt me. It's difficult to put into words how I felt growing up and how I feel now as I'm still processing things, but I'll try my best. I was terrified of my father, terrified. I was constantly living in fear of what he'd do next. He was violently angry. I would get screamed at and scolded for little things, he would hit the table and the walls, he would throw things, and he would scream at my stepmother. I was a sensitive child and this effected me deeply. As I got older I became numb and angry. The sweet boy I used to be was gone. I was angry, depressed, anxious, lonely, and hopeless. I've never told anyone this but I had thoughts of suicide quite often. My grades suffered, my motivation suffered, my social life suffered, my self-esteem suffered and so much more. Being an only child, these experiences were amplified because I literally had nobody, this was my "normal". All of this because my father used me for his own selfish game, to get revenge on my mom. Now I'm 23 and these experiences still effect me and my relationships with family and friends. I still feel angry, depressed, anxious, lonely and I hate myself sometimes. I'm tired of feeling like this though so I'm finally looking into therapy and I really hope it helps. I see a lot of parents in the comments and I wanted to say I'm sorry this is happening to you and I truly hope it gets better for you and your child/children. A child is so fragile and it's a shame anyone would do this to one, let alone their own. Do whatever you need to do to protect them. If you're a child or young adult reading this and going through something similar, you're not alone. I hope that through reading this/watching videos you're able to understand that this behavior from a parent is not okay or normal. This is not your fault. Please feel free to talk to a teacher, a school councelor, or a friend. You have power in your voice. I love you
Thank you for posting this. On the surface this sounds kind of like what happened to me - I am a mom in that position. I had no idea my son's father would do those things to him. Of course, I didn't want us to end up divorced. His torment has been going on since he was 3 years old. I imagine my son (now 13) and how sick he must feel, having been compelled all these years to engage in bashing me, to be part of the "us against her", for him to feel loved and accepted and part of their family culture, torn apart as he comes to realize in maybe brief moments that something is badly wrong, but maybe he can't articulate what it is. I cried for my son, and all of you kids, when I read "I was a sensitive child and this effected me deeply. As I got older I became numb and angry. The sweet boy I used to be was gone. I was angry, depressed, anxious, lonely, and hopeless. I've never told anyone this but I had thoughts of suicide quite often." Those are all things I've suspected and some I've witnessed happening to him. Over and over I grieve, "what happened to my sweet boy?" He was sweet, but then, puberty, and he's trying to figure out how to become a man. For me it is faith in all that Jesus Christ spoke, for me it's turning to Him as my ultimate counselor (and as he works through different people, too, to reach me). I pray for each of us to receive healing, deep rest, deep peace, and times of joy whenever possible.
I'm sorry my darling. It's great that you are processing things. You sound self aware and realistic. Happiness is just a matter of time. Honour thyself :-) *hugs
I HOPE YOU TALK TO OTHER ALIENATED KIDS WHO NEED YOU TO ESCAPE THEIR OWN HELLS. You are stronger than most. My child was alienated from me and we are still separated - she is 100% a weaponized abused and brainwashed little kid, I tried to everything I could think of, I have had nightmares every night since the kidnapping, my papa bear DNA tells me to kill everybody involved, I fell into drugs and alcohol which I hated before this and hate once again thank the Lord! I died not eating once and was saved by another narcissist who wanted to own me, thank God no kids with her. I don;t think me and this kid will ever come back together, she is too weak to get away from her abuser and I think is more likely to become exactly here - I am the producer of a narc, my mother is a narc and her mother the worst narc in this world continues to stalk me, the narc who saved me stalks me and she cheated on me 100x even with the neighbor, and one of my previous friends, just like amber heard abused the shit me now calls me an abuser, gay, all sorts of lies defaming me - all after she asked me go back with her and I said no .... these people truly suffer, they are truly evil and we truly must separate ourselves from them no matter what it takes. Your life will be a living hell if you let a narc into it, you don't really know how much of a hell until you get out!!! Then watch it cause the other sharks see the bite marks and want to compete for title.
This was a breath of hope for me as a targeted parent. The only advice you get from law enforcement and lawyers is 'just wait until your kids are 18 and you can see them'........I have 4 children under 9yrs old. Thankyou for some hope and for validating the situation.
I waited and it got worse. I am trying to get the attention I need but it requires a specialist. My daughter has these characteristics. They target the older kid first and I am worried about losing my youngest too. I don't know who to talk to because the courts did NOTHING to stop this and cost a lot but couldn't protect them. I had to pull back to protect them from what their mom was doing, but it didn't stop it. She has a lot of abuse in her background too and hasn't healed and is now damaging the kids.
@@tuvoca825 There are online support groups on Facebook. You can also get help from Amy Baker or The Conscious Coparenting Institute, or watch 100 TH-cam videos on the subject!
Mr. Stokes, I too was told this even under an extreme magnitude of evidence proving my case when no one wanted to acknowledge it. I haven't seen my children in over 6 and 8 years. I sure do see a monthly child support expense though which just twists the knife even further into my heart. I hope your case reaches resolve in you and your children's favor, sir.
That knock on the door is such a powerful image. I’m a grown man and it made me tear up. I too was alienated by my ex. It was so hard. All I ever heard was how horrible I was. She had her attorneys send email after email, and motion after motion, all full of lies stating how harmful I was to the children. The courts believed her, and in time the kids did too. I came close to walking away so many times. I know many men who did. Unless you’ve been there you could never understand. You’re told you’re bad for the kids so many times you start to believe it might be true. You start to believe they’d be better off if you disappeared from their lives. When my oldest turned 16 he shocked me by asking if he could live with me full time. He had finally saw things for how they truly were. We’ve since grown close again, but it breaks my heart that he will hardly speak to his mom anymore. She not only robbed our son of a relationship with his father as he was growing up, but she also robbed him of a relationship with his mom for the foreseeable future. I still cry over it.
I wish we had found this many years ago! My husband was a targeted parent for many years and his kids were alienated to varying degrees. This video hits home when it says one of the most painful things for the targeted parent is that they are helpless to protect the child from the maltreatment being inflicted by their other parent. It was so heartbreaking to watch my step kids run right into the arms of the parent who was manipulating them and hurting them by telling them their dad didn’t love them and was just trying to control them. What kind of parent tries to convince their child that they are not loved by the other parent? A very insecure, immature and sick one. It’s so damaging to the child! A healthy person would never try to convince their child that they are unloved OR that the other parent is undeserving of kindness, love and common courtesy and respect. Healthy parents want their child to grow up to be a loving and respectful person. As his kids have matured and/or become adults, my husband has been able to forge better relationships with 3 of his 4 children, and it’s a testimony to the resilience of his kids, but it’s my perception that some of them still struggle sometimes with internal thoughts that he doesn’t love them or loves them only conditionally because the brainwashing was so severe for so many years. Some of his ex in-laws even seemed to buy into the lies and distortions and the kids were/are very close with them which made the alienation easier to perpetrate.
After many years, you end up emotionally disconnecting. It's a huge pain, long term .. and quite frankly there is often very little you can do about it. I have no credibility as a parent in the eyes of my children .. my son even got physical and made my nose bleed. Several years later I got into another relationship and moved, no longer having a bedroom for each of my two children. This was also following the advice of my parents who I now know did not have anybody's interest in mind. My boy was devastated, and I believe my daughter was too. These alienating parents need to go to jail
I agree! This needs to be a recognized diagnosis and this needs to be a recognized crime and I should result in the stripping of parental rights...only supervised visitations no other rights. That’s how serious and damaging it is.
Instead, the alienating parent is rewarded by the justice system and the alienated parent becomes the alienator. This is happening to me right now here in the US, Florida. The judicial system is broken: corrupted and… have no shame what’s of ever
"Unending grief" is a good explanation of what I feel. I feel like I am a grieving parent because I see parents with their kids and I cannot be happy for them. I feel like I'm grieving a child that is not dead and that this will never go away. I used to be a teacher and adored being around them and helping them as a mentor. Now I can't even look at a child without being on the brink of tears. It's a torture I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy.
Going through this now with my 15 year old daughter. Severe case and yes I feel hopeless and completely heartbroken. What’s worse is the courts don’t recognize parental alienation and appointed guardians are not trained to deal with alienation, typically making decisions without any history of the family
I agree. I'm so lost. I have no clue where to turn or what not. I don't have money to pay for attorney's and I'm being told my daughter hates me by her dad's girlfriend which she (my daughter's) call's her Mom. It's very sad and I feel helpless. Are we just fucked or what can we, us (alienated parents) do to resolve these horrible tragedies.
@@victorvelasquez3719 Don't forget the disgruntled children who are in denial as to why their lives are miserable and continue to blame someone they likely also say wasn't part of their life much at all. It is twisted stuff!
The best info is deeper into the video. If they had led with their best and meatier content, it would have helped their "ratings". Some people don't stick around to find the gems.
As a longtime high school teacher, and also a victim of parental alienation, I can only give Dr Amy Baker an A+ on what a fantastic presentation she has put together... And she's got a lot of other great videos as well!
This is all true and I see it in my son and it's so sad, heartbreaking, it hurts so much he is being subjected to this abuse. It hurts and I am currently going to court for my son and daughter. It really is the worse feeling of helplessness to protect my kids. My son shows all of the behaviors, he would say "I am scared of you". I wish I knew of this years ago to be able to prevent this along time ago.
I am also. This is so heartbreaking and im so sorry that your heart feels this same pain. No one should. Its such a super sick situation. Good luck and God bless you.
@@Thepathof77 it once seemed mothers were the instigators in turning kids away from their fathers, but now I seem to be hearing of more fathers taking the kids and turning them against their mothers.
I thought this might have been possible before but after seeing this I am blown away at how many of these behaviors my children are exhibiting. This may have just saved my relationship with them and helped me understand the best approach to take moving forward. Thank you SO much!!
The “smear campaign”, began by my then husband, when my children were young. It took me far too long, to see how damaging this was to them, and also, the longterm, ongoing toll it would take on our relationship. They are adults now, but are still closer to him, and require no accountability of him, while wanting me to account for every aspect of my being. I love them, want/wish the best for them, but am more interested at this point, in my own well-being. I’m almost sixty, and it’s more than time for me to live for myself!
This video helped me so much. It let me know that I am doing the right thing by continuing to show my daughter all the love I can. The other day she was talking about not having any good memories with me so I brought out the photo albums, and left them for her to look at. She told me she only saw bad memories and didn’t remember ever having fun. A few days later I took her to school, and I always hug her and kiss her goodbye, but this time I just said I love you have a good day, and she stopped dead in her tracks and said well aren’t you gonna give me a hug and a kiss. My heart broke right then and there because I knew right then that my baby girl still needs me.
“The knock was proof that he loved her.” Oh god I’m tearing up so bad Edit: it keeps coming in waves, I can’t imagine how her dad must feel, I hope they got back together and he didn’t feel like roping himself when he learned she never expected him to stop trying
Thank you so much for this video. It helped me beyond words. I was at an all time low with being the targeted parent. I felt as if the whole world saw me the way he made my daughters see me. I social isolated myself & stoped living. I walked through motions of life but not living life’s almost 4 yrs I think I was completely numb I didn’t feel anything but shame. I battle this daily. A lot times it’s 24/7 my mind rarely stops thinking of the whole mess. What it does to the children is beyond heart breaking. With me I hurt for them. I feel their pain I would do anything to take it away and place it on myself. Then as a targeted parent I’m feeling my own pain, hurt mentally exhausted m. The targeted parent carries a lot but the child whom is affected I cannot begin to imagine how their mind is and what they are thinking. My daughter now 28 is having such difficulty she still not accepting the PA she will say it’s always about yall you talk about him he outs you down, etc. I don’t say anything at all about him I suggest reading and videos . I want them to see for theirselves. My other daughter is 21 been alienated almost 6 yrs no contact. Right now my oldest daughter is in a mental rehab for 35 days because all things coming to a head and I believe she will realize a lot and begin questioning alot now. She’s so amazingly strong. In this video you described the ways, actions and words exactly as my daughter used them. The horrible words, actions she done you described a lot of. She said alone and did a lot worse. She has actually begged me twice to kill myself. I’m just now learning that what I thought was hate by her actually wasn’t. Since she was 7 real bad since she was 22 I thought was hate I knew he was turning her against me started when she 7. I’ve thought without doubt since she was 12 she hated me hated the sight of me. I’m so thankful that I’ve now learned it wasn’t at least I hope. I’ve learned that through educating my self and support groups. Bless your work and blessings you for helping keep shining the light making a way for these precious children.
8:52-9:00 BINGO BINGO BINGO!!!!! Simple terms for simple for simple folks!!! This is my new saddest, most realest statement I will be using in the immediate future for many to try to grasp this!!!!
I appreciate the time and energy you all have devoted to providing these videos on alienation. the information you all share and present in these videos helps me find understanding and some degree of direction in finding possible resolution and resolve.
As a parent targeted the best advice I can offer is to find peace and move on knowing someday things will get better. You still have a life to live! Be happy!!
We need more of this knowledge in Colorado. Seems like a game to these alienators and that's the disturbing part. To them it's not about the kids, it's about getting revenge on the targeted parent.
And the Internet doesn’t help. These spoiled brat Alienators 👽 all use the word “Narcissist”, “Toxic” or “Controllers”to describe their parent(s). Their over-usage of these words is a full projection of their own characters. There are special sites where the Alienators👽 congregate, like. Ex: Going No Contact with mother, father, or family, etc. Be well and live your best life. Of course when Alienators 👽 read wherever I post this statement, it gets their goat @the thought of Parents moving on.❤️
I wish I would of watched this video year's ago. I at first thought it was something I was doing wrong. I couldn't understand why my kid's couldn't see how much I loved them. It's too late now my kid's are grown. But I hope this helps other's who are going through the hell of PAS.
😭😭😭😭😭 I found out about all this research the day of my last court date. Hours too late. I have no clue whats happening yet, as the case ended up going in a rare direction, where the judge decided to hold off on making a decision to review for himself all the documentations, rather than take the opinion of the Guardian ad litem (thank god). The pain of all this though, is unbearable
@@jamesroberts325 Ugh. 💔 I’ve had 2 weeks to prepare and our next date is next month and I still feel it is not enough. Keep us updated if you don’t mind sharing 😭
The time that has been taken from myself and my daughters were stolen.....it was stolen in the evilest of ways and right in front of me. Over the course of 4 years I watched as my children’s love and my role in their lives was diminished piece by piece. The legal system betrayed me in ways that I just cannot describe, my ex wife turned me into a visitor and not much else, I hope like hell that I can change something about it someday
Stay strong, and never quit Nicholas. It is ONLY your children that matter, and they are watching, weighing, and caring about your efforts. That is how they will judge you, as well as your ex. Your day will come my friend, I promise you that. DO NOT QUIT GIVING LOVE TO YOUR CHILDREN...FIND A WAY, GET CREATIVE, SHOW UP AT THEIR SCHOOL, THEIR LUNCHES, DROP THINGS OFF, LETTERS, NOTES, GIFTS, ANYTHING THAT REMINDS THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM. THEY NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER TODAY, I PROMISE YOU THAT WITH ALL OF MY HEART BROTHER.
I’ve started an email account for my daughter and I write to her everyday. Some days it just 2 lines and some days it’s paragraphs about a memory together or even the way I felt the day she was born. Hoping to give her the account info one day. 🥺 Maybe that’s something you can do too.
@@tjgallo thank you, time lost can never be replaced and it’s hard to get over just how unnecessary this all is but I have to for them and I gotta keep moving. A dad starting his battle commented on a video some time back and asked what advice anyone had and all I could say was to prepare yourself and be healthy mentally while building a good support system because without it it would be unbearable. Thank you again for the encouragement
Thank you for the wisdom and effort put into this video. I am alienated and estranged with my mother, and it's such a relief to hear a compassionate woman's perspective and expertise.
Thank you so much for this clarifying and validating presentation. I am so grateful. How I wish I'd had your coaching 40 years ago! I reacted emotionally to cruel unjust accusations and looked like the crazy one. Can't undo the past. Courage to all alienated parents!
Thank you for all your research and time in this area, alienated step mom here and it's a relief to know there are people out there who understand and care
Wow, this entire segment brought our so many emotions and I was shocked at the end when she talks about how you try to prove to your child that the college fund (I was accused of touching) was never touched was a negative aspect. I tried so hard to protect my son who is now 19 (he was 14 when the divorce started) I didn't talk about the divorce and withheld how we were losing the house etc but it made him more angry. He yelled at me saying I hide everything from him and treat him like a child where his dad shared everything with him and kept him involved in every aspect, which made him feel older and treated like an adult. I told my son that I just want him to enjoy his childhood and school/friends and that school is hard enough to deal with and that the burden of the house and bills were for the parents to worry about and take care of. But he would tell me that dad already told him this or that and it blew me away why would my ex share things like this with him. When my ex would discuss thing in front of our son I would ask him to talk to me in private but he said no and that he needed our son to be a witness as to what we discussed to it wouldn't be used against him. Meanwhile, I sat there alone with no witnesses and why do we need a witness anyways? He laughed at me and our son followed suit. If I cried they would tell me to stop that I just wanted pity-party and how disgusting and ugly I looked and they would leave. My son would get more angry if i cried, so i tried to hold it in. My EX is with LAPD so he can do whatever he wants with no repercussions.
Bryana A. ( Bree ) Peters of Arizona. Emp by the Arizona Humane Society Sunnyslope Campus. Born 10/6/96 in IND. Your real father will always "knock on your" door as mentioned in the video. I have faith in your warmth and compassion.
Join a Support Group in your area. www.familyaccessfightingforchildrensrights.org/support-groups.html# Or you could Contact William Bernet, Emeritus Professor from Vanderbilt University. Use the Contact Form on the Parental Alienation Study Group's website. It goes straight to him. www.pasg.info
@@rebeccadonaldson1464 thank you for sharing. Wish their were more local groups. I live in south Orange County, CA. the only groups in CA are in northern CA
Thank You for covering the scenario like the Dad who stopped going (no more knocking) - I've so many times thought that maybe I should just stop trying and that if I vanished from their life they'd be happy, because they swear at me, call me horrendous names, keep telling me to die and to kill myself and I have STD's and I'm not a parent, but what's hurt me beyond anything is the false accusations of abuse - that just kills me. The scenario of the Dad has given me the strength to keep trying and not give up. Even when they say those things I still always tell them that I love them and will always be there for them no matter what and unconditionally. Maybe it does mean something to them afterall
Step 2) the absence of abuse or neglect needs to be clarified. No parent is perfect and alienators will exploit, distort and exaggerate any moment like that to create justification and practitioners, as it is represented here, will rule out alienation on any basis like that. Statements of abuse need to be scrutinized fully and all of the other telltale signs of alienated and aligned child still need to be observed. Parents who are undergoing relationship difficulties will not be at their best and where there is an isolated incident, it can easily be twisted by a skilled alienator into abuse especially as they distort and exaggerate everything they can over the entire course of the targeted parents time with their children as they catalog every misstep they can use. *Edited Hopefully the differentiation of behaviours between alientated children and abused children are evaluated before step 2 is considered. Not even justified rejection takes place naturally. This statement from Understanding Parental Alienation explains that: "Children do not choose to lose one parent freely and willingly, but must be persuaded to do that over time or through serious emotional manipulation that forces compliance" Not even a truly abused child will reject a parent without manipulation. Any rejection of a parent is a red-flag that a form of alienation has occurred. Alienating parents can implant memories, distort and exaggerate actual events and otherwise align children under the guise of justification. As an empathic targeted parent with a positive relationship with my children and my realization of my wife's PTSD, from events unrelated to the marriage, which in turn exacerbated her narcissistic personality disorder, my children have been overpowered by events which, at the time, had little negative impact on them and certainly would not and did not cause any kind of rejection. Rejection of a parent should be seen automatically as parental alienation which always presents as justified.
ABSOLUTELY AGREED! I all of a sudden after 12.9 years of a wonderful relationship with my daughter am suddenly making her feel unsafe and she’ll kill herself if she is made to return home to me, (I never monitored her conversations with Dad as I wanted them to have a healthy relationship) now the one time I yelled at her for not doing hw 9 months ago is why she states she’s saying all this. Absolutely ridiculous.
@@87Strong I can relate 9.5yrs and after months of no contact, me knocking on the front door now makes my daughter feel 'threatened' so police are called. I wish the most painful drawn out torturous death for the mother. Beyond evil.
Thank you for so many points of clarity , and I will now be able to practice to over ride/ let things pass bye not be wounded and I will feel and deal with opportunity's with compassion thank you
I wonder if there is another word/term for this when sibilings have alienated a sibling from the rest of the family? A dominant sibling alienating another sibling and over time ostracization even into adulthood.
After listening to this I can’t believe there is a consistent science to this abuse; I got the 8 behavioural manifestations. All. And had my own terms to explain it but wow. 😢
Thank you finally someone frickin understand me . I am finally being heard nobody ever explain PA from a real victim perspective. It makes me feel so much hurt for my child . I tried on deaf ears to beg her dad stop abusing our child. His response I don’t need help he said f therapist shit. It’s destroying me and I feel like it’s slowly taking years off my life. I can hear the pain in my daughter voice and a part of me dies when I hear her talking but what she really wants to say I love you mom and I wanna go home. I just pray for a miracle my ex wakes up before he completely destroy our little girl
This is similar to my situation. Ex narcissist- both daughters turned into him with me pretty quickly. My oldest told me crying in fetal position, if she loves me, he won’t love her anymore.. she cuts, had an Ed - which all she said was to make him see her. I haven’t spoken to either of my daughters in 3 years. My oldest will be 18 next year.. I hope she comes back. Good luck to you - as if we haven’t been through enough with these monster ex’s
I wonder how many children and parents out there go thru this. And what's worse, if the kid is so badly brainwashed that they accuse the targeted parent of abuse when it's not true. How could anyone know if the kid is being alienated or not in this case? And what exactly constitutes abuse? Who gets to decide whether a stressed out parent that occasionally snaps at their bratty kid is being abusive or not? If I'm standing in a crowded elevator and somebody farts could I then say that the person committed abuse to my olfactory receptors? So many questions....
I am happy to see that this professor understands that we must first rule out estrangement before we can call it alienation. This is extremely important, because its often the case that the child has a very legitimate reason for rejecting a parent that has nothing to do with being coached. However, what we are seeing in courts is that they are generally terrible at making this distinction. In practice, what is happening is that the abusive party claims that the protective parent is "alienating" the child and that this is an explanation for the Childs negative behavior. Rather than the abusive parent's own behavior. And in many cases, judges are awarding custody to the abusive party under the pretense that they are protecting the child from alienation, when there was never alienation going on in the first place. It's absolutely crucial that judges are not overlooking perfectly valid explanations for why a child is a rejecting a parent - whether that be abuse or prolonged absence from the home. Alienation should be the absolute last resort from a diagnostic standpoint, but unfortunately many courtrooms are overlooking evidence that would disprove alienation.
I believe this happened with my husband being alienated. It’s my personal belief that his ex was emotionally abusive to their kids and when they went to live with her, it seemed they were parentified and they were the ones meeting her needs instead of the other way around. She’s very hostile and cruel when she feels threatened at all (which happened so easily and you never knew what would provoke her.) But if my husband sought to do anything to protect the kids, they would protect her by saying they didn’t feel safe at our house. My husband would find out terrible things that happened much later that the kids and his ex’s parents would keep from him….like her telling their struggling daughter to just go kill herself and how the kids would move to the grandparents for a week or so because of their mom’s freaking out. I just felt so bad for him, and tried to support him the best I could, but my girls and I had to also detach from the drama for our own mental health.
This is a wonderful video - thank you. Too late for my children, perhaps. But so much validation and clarification on my experience. Thank you for posting!
Thank you very much for your video. I am the alienated father of three. Girl boy girl. Through false claims my Wife who I am separated from right now. On top of alienating me. Has told my oldest daughter that I was going to rape her. That is so not me. Thoughts of even looking at her in that way never crossed my mind. But in my mind that seems to be a big form of child abuse. Like others I feel the courts are failing me. I have just hired a forensic psychiatrist to help me in this matter. One of the first things she did was put a restraining order on me. Accuse me of fooling around on her. Which never happened. She is hiding with her new lever behind the restraining order. I will watch this video a few more times. To get my mind totally wrapped around all of the information you have laid out. Thank you very much
This content makes a lot of sense, and I'm sure it resonates with many targeted parents, most likely fathers. Glad someone really smart like Dr. Baker studies this subject and coaches people in the hope families can find some relief in such a tragic situation that often flies under the radar. Men, primarily, should drop the fairytale version of marriage they grew up with, and instead, really study what it means to get married (in an age when women don't seem to need men) and have children before they “pop the question,” take their marriage vows, and soon thereafter end up as a targeted parent -- and then likely get fleeced in every possible way in divorce court. Consider staying single and celibate, and enjoy your life as a bachelor through wise career choices; making, inventing, and building things; obeying the law; and helping deserving/trustworthy people less fortunate than you.
Omg….my son accused me of stealing his college money because his narcissistic step father planted that seed. My son began alienating me in 2015 when I left his abusive step father. My son was 20 years old at the time. Everything you discussed in the video is exactly how my son treats me the only difference is my son was a young adult when he cut me out of his life. Now my son is 27 and still has such hatred towards me. I’m heart broken. My son has done awful things to me just like his abusive step dad. He denies any abuse even though the step,father was violent with my son on numerous occasions. Thank you for this important video.
The biggest and most important thing I teach my child is to be considerate, and show empathy, but,without being alienated by a manipulative parent, how can this benefit their future? How to prepare them for these ppl? It is the most heartbreaking experience and I’m currently finding my independent self from the same abuse from an ex. It has motivated me to be ready for court and my requests, I always consider both my child and the father, to enable a healthy relationship for the future and compromise when I feel best, But when they don’t consider vice versa, I have to show evidence but request fare outcomes hoping I am at advantage from having evidence and making my child’s benefit at the no.1 priority.
In what ways does the model make sense of children who have a narcissistic parent and that child’s aversion towards that parent for reasons of the emotional and psychological neglect? I can see a healthy child responding as an alienated child would towards a narcissist parent. Whats the research show regarding this mental health disordered relationship? Thank you.
I wish I had found this earlier my ex had done this twice and the first one oil blamed my daughter for and now the second daughter I’m seeing what he has done! Where can I find help I know this is a really old post but I need help asap.
Wow the part where you talk about how they come over and apend the entire time in there room talking to the other parent. I didnt know that was a common thing she definitely did do that the last few times she was here!
And it spills over into the next generation, with abuse to the targeted parent from a grandchild too. The signs and bad treatment are the same in a grandchild as with a child. I am living this nightmare of extreme alienation and it is so painful especially as my ex is the ex step parent. Unfortunately in my country parental alienation isn't recognised and it is enabled by the courts. You morn the loss of that child or children. 😢
Of the "frivolous" complaints, does that take into consideration that the child doesn't have words as to how the parent the "hate" mistreats them? As a mid-teen, I had no words to describe how one parent twisted my words and kept demeaning me. Although this parent was abusive to me, I later learned that the other parent I was alienated from was also abusive. Decades later, I still see no signs of abuse from either parent in my pre-teen years. (Now that I know all the signs, I see tiny, minor markers from one parent.)
College bound adult kids still stuck in the alienation. Thought as adults they’d be more independent but regardless location still extreme emotional attached. Rekindled relationships during monetary offerings to ghost the next with excuses the other parent schedule of events keeping any breaks or open opportunities for visiting impossible. Convenient right before court dates offering to see me regularly too no consistency to the communications at all
I am going thru this right now with my 16 year-old daughter. She fits almost all of the criteria mentioned here regarding brainwashing ETC. She remembers NOTHING about all of the good times we had together and makes up reasons to hate me and adore her step mother, who got custody of my Daughter by lying to the court and manipulating my daughter! I am out of steam and out of money to fight. I had a TERRIBLE lawyer that cost me tens of thousands$$ and did nothing for me. Now my ex-wife is working her magic parental alienation skills on my other daughter. The courts are a crap shoot. Truth does not seem to matter
Do you do one on one counsel regarding parental alienation? I have an epic case that started when my son was young. He is now 32. I really, really need help.
My grandmother tried not only to make my mom hate her dad (my grandpa), but when I was being babysat she'd try to make ME hate Grandpa, too. She told me he was doing black magic, that he was a r4p1st, that he was a p3d0, and that he was a bad man. He was a wonderful grandpa though. I used to sit on the couch with him while he would watch baseball and try to explain to me how to game works. He'd always have a big bowl of peanuts and taught me how to break the shells. He'd buy jumbo marshmallows and make hot cocoa. Showed me how to balance my checkbook. He took us to Disney and had all us and the cousins over every Wednesday night for a pizza party. She hated him so much, anything she could make up about him to stop us from liking him, she'd say. He had a storm closet in the basement with canned goods, candles, matches, and other survival stuff. She told me he did witch craft in that closet, and that he was hiding Satanic stuff in there. 😢 Curious, my sister and I snuck into the closet and found the candles and noticed a packet on exacto knife blades. We wondered if he was using the candles and blades to do some evil animal sacrifice ritual or something 😂. I never fully believed the scary Halloween stories my Grandmother said to me when it was late at night and she had been drinking. If I ever doubted her stories she'd get mad and say I was an evil child. Say awful things about how she saw demons looking out of my eyes. She was always lying to everyone about everyone else. Saying nasty things behind everyone's back. I was scared she'd tell everyone I was demonic. So I loved my grandpa but when she was around I would try not to say nice things about him. She was a good grandma too. But she had such a nasty side. Even till the end of her life, my Mom and her sisters were still scared of her.
So how do I get my 23 year old to see this? So much I understand know and know. But because I'm finally understanding I'm trying to help her heal. And also myself. I definitely need your help. I am seeing my daughter after 2 years of barely any contact and I know this is why. I am so thankful for this video. Makes me cry and feel finally heard and understood. I have been in a lot of pain since I was trick into giving custody to her father when she was 9 years old I was told verbally we can always change this but all that was was the nail in my coffin. I know this was done for so long I knew something wasn't right. The was she treats me, looks at me everything. Even messed with my time talking to her at home. So now the normal is not talking much. Waiting until we were together. Then she grew up and the child I once knew is barely there. I want her to see what I see. It's many other things I experienced. Plus now I share trama with my daughter enherited some how. We both really lost a parent at 9. My parent is still alive but dead to me. But I just want more than anything for my daughter and I to heal. I have barely seen her in 3 years. I can tell they use her to hurt me. I realized is this year and deleted everyone that is associated with them. Because I saw they were using my daughter to hurt me. Why it took so long to understand it all. It took me understanding my abuse and where narcissism fell in my family. I have no one these days because if narcissism. It took everything I live from me. Almost 50 and it took that long to understand. It breaks my heart with tears streaming down my face of all the hurt I have been through. The fact that I'm still here is a miracle. I never go anywhere without my dog. Because I have been highly suicidal over everything. I'm learning to open these wounds and try to understand and heal them. Been learning psychology and it helps some. But the hole in my heart has only room for my dog. And he keeps me grounded. I gained 150 lbs when I had to coparent with that monster. It about killed me. But I lost some if it after the last time in a abusive relationship. That where my path of learning of Narcissistism took me. Well as long as I have my sweet dog I keep breathing. You can't begin to understand the hurt they inflicted on my daughter and myself. But most of all our relationship. Which killed her spirit, so now she is in continuous bad narcissist relationships too. So my question is how do I begin to talk to her. She is aware if Narcissistism. But I think they made her think it's me. So I have been waiting years to talk to her. Her healing is all I'm worried about. Thank you for this video it really helped a lot.
Thank you for this video. This confirms what I already knew to be true. I hope I can make this info work on my family's behalf. I need any other resources available on this topic. I just found out that their is a law called Coercive Control in UK. And we don't have this law yet. But this law could change the pattern of abused victims if we can Identify and bring it under the scrutiny of the Law.
When Dad was Alienated the children ended with the Stockholm Syndrome and could not leave the abuser side. Even when they turn 30 they all live with the abductor never able to see Dad. 15 years later the one son shows up to talk and I ask him if he was to tell the others he seen Dad. Answer was NO F------- Way as he to would be ostracized and put out on the street just like Dad was. Wonderful!
Some amazingly insightful sharings here - thank you for posting this! Some thoughts / questions … 1/ how do you tell if a rejecting child is doing this for legitimate reasons vs PA? - i.e. I have a friend who thinks there is "nothing" her mother could do to make up for what they've done. But in her instance, her mother WAS screwing around behind her Dad's back. (We kicked the Mother and the Ski Club Captain out of the Ski Club because of what they were doing - NOT an easy call in that we all know that life isn't perfect but easy when you consider the ethics and where your moral values lie). 2/ a lot of the examples given are about quite excessive anger / animousity. But what about the insidious aspects that can lead to an injured sense of self-esteem for the child or lead to slight personality disorders later in life? (This is from the perspective of "to raise a happy and healthy adult, raise a happy and healthy child") 3/ How do we deal with a parent who ever-so-subtly degrades the relationship with the other parent? For example: a child given the option to spend time with the non-primary-care parent doing activities that the child loves (drum lessons, archery, mountain biking) and they chose not to because they know that the other parent won't be happy about it. BUT WON'T SAY THIS (possibly because they're unaware that their feelings have been manipulated or that they don't want to get the alienating parent into trouble). 4/ how do we call out the subtle manipulation that leads to children feeling the need to chose between parents? i.e. how do we identify that a parent's behaviour might be preventing a child from making a truly honest personal choice because they intrinsically know that there are expectations from a specific parent? 5/ how do we deal with the underlying (adult / parent) insecurities that result in PA behaviour such as "hey sweetie, it's ok - I'll see you again in a few days" … as if to suggest that going to the other parent is a bad thing. Nothing DIRECT has been stated but there has been a very strong indirect suggestion that going to the other parent is a bad thing. Otherwise, why the need to reinsure the child? Why not just say "hey - you're going to have so much fun! Have a GREAT time and I'll see you on blah-blah"
Went through this with my daughter, I guess she would have been considered a moderate. I went through this for 12 years and finally gave up and that’s when my child started reaching out to me. My daughter and I have since forged a pretty good relationship, but I do notice as an adult she seems to be very secretive (at 32) and she only communicates with people when she wants to and seem oblivious to her friends and family when they reach out to her if she does not feel like talking. I really wish I could forge a closer relationship, the only thing I can say is it takes time to work through these issues.
How can I determine if it's parental alienation or my child being angry with me about the divorce? We had an EXCELLENT relationship before the divorce. It's already been 2-3 years and my child continues to ignore me, doesn't talk to me when here, Is here "in body" only like you say.
I'm dealing with this right now as we speak my daughter is displaying every one of these characteristics I've been completely alienated by her mother it needs to be pointed out how this is prevalent in the black community
I agree, Mr. Smith ! Alienation is indeed more prevalent in the black community. I'm currently going through this with my daughters. It sucks not having resources rapidly available for men like they are for women. I believe most non-custodial parents should come together and start rewriting the nasty biased literature in family law by forming support groups.
I'm an alienated black mother and I've been on a two day binge with doing research on how impactful it is to our communities. My ex husband is a covert narcissist and he is a complete evil genius surrounding abusing me since I served him legal separate and support papers. Alienating my child from me was his last ditch effort to completely disable my motherhood. I cannot even express how I'm deathly afraid of family court and judges because of what he's done to me. My mother supports my ex and I'm an only child. The only way I could save myself was by secretly selling my home and moving out of the country this was after her being gone for almost two years. I continue to stay in therapy and text my daughter. When I return to the states I got one sleepover and I was there for 3 weeks. The hardest part is to continue to pull from my empty emotional pocket in my heart and continue to write her loving and compassionate text messages. I pray for you and just know that there are black men alienating their children as well from their mothers. You are not alone and I pray that you can find some healing and support. I need more of it and TH-cam has been a great help. God Bless 💜
I can’t talk or see my daughter the courts left it up to her. Which was the courts worst decision because now she won’t see me at all she has the say she doesn’t want her dad mad at her or her step mom I just want to hug her and kiss her and tell her I’m always here for her. I know she know that but will she use it if needed I don’t think so because she’s afraid of her dad! Please god give me the strength to get through this !!
I've been wondering how I was going to word everything that you just said in Court representing myself during the custody modification trial coming up. The judge is starting to see that my ex is very good at lying and makes it sound so sweet with her silver tongue, but something just doesn't add up, most things just don't add up . I definitely have the judges attention with all the therapist reports and the fact that during September, October, November and December my boys age 15 and 17 sat in the backseat of my car during my entire Parent Time. Up to 11. 5 hours at a time for a total of over a hundred 130 hours acting catatonic whenever I was in the car with them. After an emergency temporary restraining order asking the court to force mom to allow them to get out of the car oh, now they can come in the house but they still don't acknowledge me most of the time.
owen parry wow dad heartbreaking! So confusing! Worst part is, you are the victim, being punished as the villain! Brutal! I hope it gets better! I am the child of a mother that did this, and I eventually cut them both off & moved across the country. After many years of staying distant and not allowing myself to be manipulated by either one of them, and dad treating me like the prodigal child, never mad or angry or loud when I came home. I always thought there would be some sort of scene, or angry attacks, but he was always loving and welcoming back. Helped tremendously in helping me not want to avoid him or punish him, because I did not want to face the blowback for being gone so long. Anyway, just some insight from an alienated child now adult. I still suffer with what I call glitching, or my friends and family call a tick, that I sometimes disappear and don’t answer or return calls or texts, and then a whole dread cycle ensues where I think about it daily, but get stuck in analysis paralysis of what to do about it. It’s almost like I’ve gone mute. Eventually they keep trying and I feel bad enough to answer. Usually the most innocent and loving people in my life, get the cold shoulder bc I don’t want to bother them with my problems. I’m upset about another person, and freeze loved ones out. Thank God they understand that it is not them, but my issue. And I do feel bad for hurting and rejecting people who are simply trying to connect with me, I care for them, and feel bad I have distressed them. It seems like a simple issue to resolve, just answer or respond, but it is almost involuntary, a triggered disassociation. I have felt like I was floating, upside down, in space, in a desert. And I am very detached. (And sober.). Anyway, maybe my perspective will help cope. My mother still rages about my dad, and borderline ruins weddings & funerals they both have to attend, but for me? 23 years after the divorce, I am sick to death of her blaming my dad and still bringing shit up from 40 years ago!! And acting like a total raving lunatic, at weddings & funerals, bc he “gave her a look”! And my dad will say, “I told y’all she is crazy. She keeps proving my point.” I hope your kids can remove the poison, just be kind as you can.💛
I have been an “erased Mom” for almost 13 years and it’s killing me! It’s all so wrong and I feel for my children who are now adults. They have all 8 behaviors 😢 Is it wrong to forward this video to them?
I went through this married 27yrs filed for divorced my ex husband lawyer did this and he went and convinced even family, friends. He distroyed my life it's way to late ages 50, 42, 37 and my 35 yr old son that passed at 21yrs old. My ex has passed away 8yrs ago and my kids blame me for his death!!!! Left a family in turmoil.💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
This video is gold. So spot on with the symptoms and conditions of this syndrome. There needs to be a lot of education regarding this especially in the court system and for attorneys to use PAS as the means to bring justice. Thanks to the speaker
Thank you!! I’ve been telling people this about my son! His hatred for me isn’t even normal for an abused child!
Do you find people understand ing you as I can't even get my own family to believe me I hope you get your child back
@ no, nobody understands except my cousin who lost her adult son to fentanyl. Two years later her daughter started doing to her, what my son is doing to me and she said “it’s like she died. It’s feels the same as when my son died.” That is when I realized that what we’re going through is like mourning a death. It’s that serious, so no, my family and friends don’t understand. And they never will unless it happens to them. Obviously, because my son is alive, there is hope, but I can’t hold my breath. I have to accept what it is. Besides, even if my son called tomorrow and apologized, the damage is too far done. It would take YEARS of consistent behavior for me to trust him, so we’re talking a decade of lost time going forward, and already a decade of lost time from the past. Decades of distance can’t be undone over night. And then well-intentioned people say “apologize for any hurt you may have caused him” - it’s like, “okay, like every estranged parent hasn’t ALREADY done that!!! That’s the first thing we did!!!” The truth is, I’m the one owed an apology, that’s what nobody gets!!! It’s not me, who needs to apologize and that’s why we’re where we’re at.
I'm a victim of extreme parental alienation.
Since the age of 4, potentially even earlier, I was tactically used by my father as a weapon for revenge against my mom. I was brainwashed and manipulated into hating my mom, stepdad, aunt, and grandmother. I idolized my father as any young boy would and he used that to his advantage. He would plant seeds into my head to make me doubt them, he told me every negative story he could remember, he'd make fun of them, and blame them for everything and I went along with it. I didn't know any better. I remember an instance when I was 4, my father had dropped me off at my moms apartment and when we got there I ran and excitedly gave my stepdad a hug. My father called me over and scolded me saying something along the lines of "he's not your father, I am. Don't do that". This obviously left an impact on my extremely young mind and I rarely ever showed affection towards my stepdad again. Another time, my father told me a story about how my mom went to jail for shoplifting. Looking back it's obvious he's trying to paint my mom in a bad light, but as a young boy who doesn't know anything, I viewed my mom differently. These are only a couple of examples out of the literally countless times I've been told negative things about ,my mom and anyone that had to do with her. This pattern of manipulation and brainwashing happened until I was 17.
As I became more aware of what was going on I finally lost it. My father dropped me off at school one day and in the middle of the office I exploded. I yelled and screamed at the top of my lungs, years and years of anger and frustration were erupting from me. Soon after that day I cut my father out of my life. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows however. Thoughts of being a bad son invaded my head of years after, I was scared to go to stores near where he lived, and he would stalk my social media accounts. Even going as far as getting his new wife and her children involved. They would all constantly try to reach out to me, it was a nightmare. I just wanted to move on with my life. The day before my 20th birthday I ran into him at a Dunkin Donuts near where he lived, my fear came true I guess. We had an exchange and one of the first things he told me was "I can't sleep because of you". I'm speechless just reliving the moment in my head. The conversation was a disaster. He gave me a few hollow apologies while I was crying a river trying to explain how bad he hurt me.
It's difficult to put into words how I felt growing up and how I feel now as I'm still processing things, but I'll try my best. I was terrified of my father, terrified. I was constantly living in fear of what he'd do next. He was violently angry. I would get screamed at and scolded for little things, he would hit the table and the walls, he would throw things, and he would scream at my stepmother. I was a sensitive child and this effected me deeply. As I got older I became numb and angry. The sweet boy I used to be was gone. I was angry, depressed, anxious, lonely, and hopeless. I've never told anyone this but I had thoughts of suicide quite often. My grades suffered, my motivation suffered, my social life suffered, my self-esteem suffered and so much more. Being an only child, these experiences were amplified because I literally had nobody, this was my "normal". All of this because my father used me for his own selfish game, to get revenge on my mom.
Now I'm 23 and these experiences still effect me and my relationships with family and friends. I still feel angry, depressed, anxious, lonely and I hate myself sometimes. I'm tired of feeling like this though so I'm finally looking into therapy and I really hope it helps.
I see a lot of parents in the comments and I wanted to say I'm sorry this is happening to you and I truly hope it gets better for you and your child/children. A child is so fragile and it's a shame anyone would do this to one, let alone their own. Do whatever you need to do to protect them.
If you're a child or young adult reading this and going through something similar, you're not alone. I hope that through reading this/watching videos you're able to understand that this behavior from a parent is not okay or normal. This is not your fault. Please feel free to talk to a teacher, a school councelor, or a friend. You have power in your voice. I love you
Thank you for posting this. On the surface this sounds kind of like what happened to me - I am a mom in that position. I had no idea my son's father would do those things to him. Of course, I didn't want us to end up divorced. His torment has been going on since he was 3 years old. I imagine my son (now 13) and how sick he must feel, having been compelled all these years to engage in bashing me, to be part of the "us against her", for him to feel loved and accepted and part of their family culture, torn apart as he comes to realize in maybe brief moments that something is badly wrong, but maybe he can't articulate what it is.
I cried for my son, and all of you kids, when I read "I was a sensitive child and this effected me deeply. As I got older I became numb and angry. The sweet boy I used to be was gone. I was angry, depressed, anxious, lonely, and hopeless. I've never told anyone this but I had thoughts of suicide quite often." Those are all things I've suspected and some I've witnessed happening to him. Over and over I grieve, "what happened to my sweet boy?" He was sweet, but then, puberty, and he's trying to figure out how to become a man.
For me it is faith in all that Jesus Christ spoke, for me it's turning to Him as my ultimate counselor (and as he works through different people, too, to reach me). I pray for each of us to receive healing, deep rest, deep peace, and times of joy whenever possible.
I'm sorry my darling. It's great that you are processing things. You sound self aware and realistic. Happiness is just a matter of time. Honour thyself :-) *hugs
I wish I could hug you. I have a 20 year old son who I believe will come home to me one day. Call your mom, love, if you can ❤
❤
I HOPE YOU TALK TO OTHER ALIENATED KIDS WHO NEED YOU TO ESCAPE THEIR OWN HELLS. You are stronger than most. My child was alienated from me and we are still separated - she is 100% a weaponized abused and brainwashed little kid, I tried to everything I could think of, I have had nightmares every night since the kidnapping, my papa bear DNA tells me to kill everybody involved, I fell into drugs and alcohol which I hated before this and hate once again thank the Lord! I died not eating once and was saved by another narcissist who wanted to own me, thank God no kids with her. I don;t think me and this kid will ever come back together, she is too weak to get away from her abuser and I think is more likely to become exactly here - I am the producer of a narc, my mother is a narc and her mother the worst narc in this world continues to stalk me, the narc who saved me stalks me and she cheated on me 100x even with the neighbor, and one of my previous friends, just like amber heard abused the shit me now calls me an abuser, gay, all sorts of lies defaming me - all after she asked me go back with her and I said no .... these people truly suffer, they are truly evil and we truly must separate ourselves from them no matter what it takes. Your life will be a living hell if you let a narc into it, you don't really know how much of a hell until you get out!!! Then watch it cause the other sharks see the bite marks and want to compete for title.
I can’t think of too many hells worse than the hell of parental alienation. It’s absolutely devastating. 😢💔
This was a breath of hope for me as a targeted parent. The only advice you get from law enforcement and lawyers is 'just wait until your kids are 18 and you can see them'........I have 4 children under 9yrs old.
Thankyou for some hope and for validating the situation.
I waited and it got worse. I am trying to get the attention I need but it requires a specialist. My daughter has these characteristics. They target the older kid first and I am worried about losing my youngest too. I don't know who to talk to because the courts did NOTHING to stop this and cost a lot but couldn't protect them. I had to pull back to protect them from what their mom was doing, but it didn't stop it. She has a lot of abuse in her background too and hasn't healed and is now damaging the kids.
@@tuvoca825 There are online support groups on Facebook. You can also get help from Amy Baker or The Conscious Coparenting Institute, or watch 100 TH-cam videos on the subject!
I am experiencing this situation and it is heart breaking .
Mr. Stokes, I too was told this even under an extreme magnitude of evidence proving my case when no one wanted to acknowledge it. I haven't seen my children in over 6 and 8 years. I sure do see a monthly child support expense though which just twists the knife even further into my heart. I hope your case reaches resolve in you and your children's favor, sir.
@@JohnJTymn my heart is with you mate. keep your head up
That knock on the door is such a powerful image. I’m a grown man and it made me tear up. I too was alienated by my ex. It was so hard. All I ever heard was how horrible I was. She had her attorneys send email after email, and motion after motion, all full of lies stating how harmful I was to the children. The courts believed her, and in time the kids did too. I came close to walking away so many times. I know many men who did. Unless you’ve been there you could never understand. You’re told you’re bad for the kids so many times you start to believe it might be true. You start to believe they’d be better off if you disappeared from their lives.
When my oldest turned 16 he shocked me by asking if he could live with me full time. He had finally saw things for how they truly were. We’ve since grown close again, but it breaks my heart that he will hardly speak to his mom anymore. She not only robbed our son of a relationship with his father as he was growing up, but she also robbed him of a relationship with his mom for the foreseeable future. I still cry over it.
I wish we had found this many years ago! My husband was a targeted parent for many years and his kids were alienated to varying degrees. This video hits home when it says one of the most painful things for the targeted parent is that they are helpless to protect the child from the maltreatment being inflicted by their other parent. It was so heartbreaking to watch my step kids run right into the arms of the parent who was manipulating them and hurting them by telling them their dad didn’t love them and was just trying to control them. What kind of parent tries to convince their child that they are not loved by the other parent? A very insecure, immature and sick one. It’s so damaging to the child! A healthy person would never try to convince their child that they are unloved OR that the other parent is undeserving of kindness, love and common courtesy and respect. Healthy parents want their child to grow up to be a loving and respectful person. As his kids have matured and/or become adults, my husband has been able to forge better relationships with 3 of his 4 children, and it’s a testimony to the resilience of his kids, but it’s my perception that some of them still struggle sometimes with internal thoughts that he doesn’t love them or loves them only conditionally because the brainwashing was so severe for so many years. Some of his ex in-laws even seemed to buy into the lies and distortions and the kids were/are very close with them which made the alienation easier to perpetrate.
After many years, you end up emotionally disconnecting. It's a huge pain, long term .. and quite frankly there is often very little you can do about it. I have no credibility as a parent in the eyes of my children .. my son even got physical and made my nose bleed. Several years later I got into another relationship and moved, no longer having a bedroom for each of my two children. This was also following the advice of my parents who I now know did not have anybody's interest in mind. My boy was devastated, and I believe my daughter was too. These alienating parents need to go to jail
Yes my husband is doing sane.It’s been two years.
@@singingwithsammy7659 I'm so sorry. You know the truth. I really am sorry.
I agree! This needs to be a recognized diagnosis and this needs to be a recognized crime and I should result in the stripping of parental rights...only supervised visitations no other rights. That’s how serious and damaging it is.
Sorry for your loss. I am in the same boat.
Instead, the alienating parent is rewarded by the justice system and the alienated parent becomes the alienator. This is happening to me right now here in the US, Florida. The judicial system is broken: corrupted and… have no shame what’s of ever
"Unending grief" is a good explanation of what I feel.
I feel like I am a grieving parent because I see parents with their kids and I cannot be happy for them. I feel like I'm grieving a child that is not dead and that this will never go away.
I used to be a teacher and adored being around them and helping them as a mentor. Now I can't even look at a child without being on the brink of tears.
It's a torture I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy.
Hang in there! I’m a teacher. The experience has profoundly changed the way I think about kids. 😢
Going through this now with my 15 year old daughter. Severe case and yes I feel hopeless and completely heartbroken. What’s worse is the courts don’t recognize parental alienation and appointed guardians are not trained to deal with alienation, typically making decisions without any history of the family
I agree. I'm so lost. I have no clue where to turn or what not. I don't have money to pay for attorney's and I'm being told my daughter hates me by her dad's girlfriend which she (my daughter's) call's her Mom. It's very sad and I feel helpless. Are we just fucked or what can we, us (alienated parents) do to resolve these horrible tragedies.
Daughter** not plural.
Shey Hines I am so sorry. All 3 of my children are affected. 15, 14 and 27 year old. It’s heartbreaking 💔
same here...
Ive been through this-- always remember what she says about the knock. I hope the best for you and your children.
Five alienating parents disliked this video. 🤦🏽♀️
I do give it a great Like 👍🏼
oh we have now 2 more likes from alienating parents. Fortunately caring parents are the majority!
@@victorvelasquez3719 Don't forget the disgruntled children who are in denial as to why their lives are miserable and continue to blame someone they likely also say wasn't part of their life much at all. It is twisted stuff!
The best info is deeper into the video. If they had led with their best and meatier content, it would have helped their "ratings". Some people don't stick around to find the gems.
As a longtime high school teacher, and also a victim of parental alienation, I can only give Dr Amy Baker an A+ on what a fantastic presentation she has put together... And she's got a lot of other great videos as well!
This is all true and I see it in my son and it's so sad, heartbreaking, it hurts so much he is being subjected to this abuse. It hurts and I am currently going to court for my son and daughter. It really is the worse feeling of helplessness to protect my kids. My son shows all of the behaviors, he would say "I am scared of you". I wish I knew of this years ago to be able to prevent this along time ago.
Tamantha LeCu Godspeed and good luck
I am also. This is so heartbreaking and im so sorry that your heart feels this same pain. No one should. Its such a super sick situation. Good luck and God bless you.
@@Thepathof77 it once seemed mothers were the instigators in turning kids away from their fathers, but now I seem to be hearing of more fathers taking the kids and turning them against their mothers.
Thank you Dr Baker for all of your hard work, dedication and research. Every family law attorney and therapist needs to see this.
tottaly.
Sadly the legal profession no nothing about psychology. I agree with you.
I thought this might have been possible before but after seeing this I am blown away at how many of these behaviors my children are exhibiting. This may have just saved my relationship with them and helped me understand the best approach to take moving forward. Thank you SO much!!
You have to deprogram them which is VERY difficult.
The “smear campaign”, began by my then husband, when my children were young. It took me far too long, to see how damaging this was to them, and also, the longterm, ongoing toll it would take on our relationship. They are adults now, but are still closer to him, and require no accountability of him, while wanting me to account for every aspect of my being. I love them, want/wish the best for them, but am more interested at this point, in my own well-being. I’m almost sixty, and it’s more than time for me to live for myself!
Me to
This video helped me so much. It let me know that I am doing the right thing by continuing to show my daughter all the love I can. The other day she was talking about not having any good memories with me so I brought out the photo albums, and left them for her to look at. She told me she only saw bad memories and didn’t remember ever having fun. A few days later I took her to school, and I always hug her and kiss her goodbye, but this time I just said I love you have a good day, and she stopped dead in her tracks and said well aren’t you gonna give me a hug and a kiss. My heart broke right then and there because I knew right then that my baby girl still needs me.
😥
“The knock was proof that he loved her.”
Oh god I’m tearing up so bad
Edit: it keeps coming in waves, I can’t imagine how her dad must feel, I hope they got back together and he didn’t feel like roping himself when he learned she never expected him to stop trying
Thank you Dr. Amy. I can't thank you enough. I have been living with this for years. Praying for a relationship again with my adult children.
Thank you so much for this video. It helped me beyond words. I was at an all time low with being the targeted parent. I felt as if the whole world saw me the way he made my daughters see me. I social isolated myself & stoped living. I walked through motions of life but not living life’s almost 4 yrs I think I was completely numb I didn’t feel anything but shame. I battle this daily. A lot times it’s 24/7 my mind rarely stops thinking of the whole mess. What it does to the children is beyond heart breaking. With me I hurt for them. I feel their pain I would do anything to take it away and place it on myself. Then as a targeted parent I’m feeling my own pain, hurt mentally exhausted m. The targeted parent carries a lot but the child whom is affected I cannot begin to imagine how their mind is and what they are thinking. My daughter now 28 is having such difficulty she still not accepting the PA she will say it’s always about yall you talk about him he outs you down, etc. I don’t say anything at all about him I suggest reading and videos . I want them to see for theirselves. My other daughter is 21 been alienated almost 6 yrs no contact. Right now my oldest daughter is in a mental rehab for 35 days because all things coming to a head and I believe she will realize a lot and begin questioning alot now. She’s so amazingly strong. In this video you described the ways, actions and words exactly as my daughter used them. The horrible words, actions she done you described a lot of. She said alone and did a lot worse. She has actually begged me twice to kill myself. I’m just now learning that what I thought was hate by her actually wasn’t. Since she was 7 real bad since she was 22 I thought was hate I knew he was turning her against me started when she 7. I’ve thought without doubt since she was 12 she hated me hated the sight of me. I’m so thankful that I’ve now learned it wasn’t at least I hope. I’ve learned that through educating my self and support groups. Bless your work and blessings you for helping keep shining the light making a way for these precious children.
8:52-9:00 BINGO BINGO BINGO!!!!!
Simple terms for simple for simple folks!!!
This is my new saddest, most realest statement I will be using in the immediate future for many to try to grasp this!!!!
UK social workers need to watch this!
they are hopelessly useless
I appreciate the time and energy you all have devoted to providing these videos on alienation. the information you all share and present in these videos helps me find understanding and some degree of direction in finding possible resolution and resolve.
As a parent targeted the best advice I can offer is to find peace and move on knowing someday things will get better. You still have a life to live! Be happy!!
Thank you Amy for your clarity and engaged research for all these years !!
We need more of this knowledge in Colorado. Seems like a game to these alienators and that's the disturbing part. To them it's not about the kids, it's about getting revenge on the targeted parent.
And the Internet doesn’t help.
These spoiled brat Alienators 👽
all use the word “Narcissist”, “Toxic” or “Controllers”to describe their parent(s).
Their over-usage of these words is a full projection of their own characters. There are special sites where the Alienators👽 congregate, like. Ex: Going No Contact with mother, father, or family, etc.
Be well and live your best life.
Of course when Alienators 👽 read wherever I post this statement, it gets their goat @the thought of Parents moving on.❤️
Exactly
I wish I would of watched this video year's ago. I at first thought it was something I was doing wrong. I couldn't understand why my kid's couldn't see how much I loved them. It's too late now my kid's are grown. But I hope this helps other's who are going through the hell of PAS.
Each and every one of these describe my son who has been alienated from me x 2 years so accurately, it’s scary.
Agree
Thank you! 😭 This was hard to listen to but it sadly rings true. C19 has definitely made this even more difficult. I just miss my kiddos.
😭😭😭😭😭 I found out about all this research the day of my last court date. Hours too late.
I have no clue whats happening yet, as the case ended up going in a rare direction, where the judge decided to hold off on making a decision to review for himself all the documentations, rather than take the opinion of the Guardian ad litem (thank god).
The pain of all this though, is unbearable
@@jamesroberts325 Ugh. 💔 I’ve had 2 weeks to prepare and our next date is next month and I still feel it is not enough. Keep us updated if you don’t mind sharing 😭
@@jamesroberts325 so sorry my daughter is almost 30 now.
The time that has been taken from myself and my daughters were stolen.....it was stolen in the evilest of ways and right in front of me.
Over the course of 4 years I watched as my children’s love and my role in their lives was diminished piece by piece. The legal system betrayed me in ways that I just cannot describe, my ex wife turned me into a visitor and not much else, I hope like hell that I can change something about it someday
Stay strong, and never quit Nicholas. It is ONLY your children that matter, and they are watching, weighing, and caring about your efforts. That is how they will judge you, as well as your ex. Your day will come my friend, I promise you that. DO NOT QUIT GIVING LOVE TO YOUR CHILDREN...FIND A WAY, GET CREATIVE, SHOW UP AT THEIR SCHOOL, THEIR LUNCHES, DROP THINGS OFF, LETTERS, NOTES, GIFTS, ANYTHING THAT REMINDS THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM. THEY NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER TODAY, I PROMISE YOU THAT WITH ALL OF MY HEART BROTHER.
I’ve started an email account for my daughter and I write to her everyday. Some days it just 2 lines and some days it’s paragraphs about a memory together or even the way I felt the day she was born. Hoping to give her the account info one day. 🥺 Maybe that’s something you can do too.
@@tjgallo thank you, time lost can never be replaced and it’s hard to get over just how unnecessary this all is but I have to for them and I gotta keep moving. A dad starting his battle commented on a video some time back and asked what advice anyone had and all I could say was to prepare yourself and be healthy mentally while building a good support system because without it it would be unbearable. Thank you again for the encouragement
@@87Strong I started that a while back but I’ve been slacking, thanks for the reminder!
I have a plan. It is called "if I get a terminal illness, you're going out before I do."
Thank you for the wisdom and effort put into this video. I am alienated and estranged with my mother, and it's such a relief to hear a compassionate woman's perspective and expertise.
Thank you so much for this clarifying and validating presentation. I am so grateful.
How I wish I'd had your coaching 40 years ago! I reacted emotionally to cruel unjust accusations and looked like the crazy one. Can't undo the past. Courage to all alienated parents!
Thank you for all your research and time in this area, alienated step mom here and it's a relief to know there are people out there who understand and care
I use this video now all the time if I have to explain Parental Alienation to someone. Thanks Amy!!!
Wow, this entire segment brought our so many emotions and I was shocked at the end when she talks about how you try to prove to your child that the college fund (I was accused of touching) was never touched was a negative aspect. I tried so hard to protect my son who is now 19 (he was 14 when the divorce started) I didn't talk about the divorce and withheld how we were losing the house etc but it made him more angry. He yelled at me saying I hide everything from him and treat him like a child where his dad shared everything with him and kept him involved in every aspect, which made him feel older and treated like an adult. I told my son that I just want him to enjoy his childhood and school/friends and that school is hard enough to deal with and that the burden of the house and bills were for the parents to worry about and take care of. But he would tell me that dad already told him this or that and it blew me away why would my ex share things like this with him. When my ex would discuss thing in front of our son I would ask him to talk to me in private but he said no and that he needed our son to be a witness as to what we discussed to it wouldn't be used against him. Meanwhile, I sat there alone with no witnesses and why do we need a witness anyways? He laughed at me and our son followed suit. If I cried they would tell me to stop that I just wanted pity-party and how disgusting and ugly I looked and they would leave. My son would get more angry if i cried, so i tried to hold it in. My EX is with LAPD so he can do whatever he wants with no repercussions.
I spoke with Dr. Baker today, thank you for posting this.
Bryana A. ( Bree ) Peters of Arizona. Emp by the Arizona Humane Society Sunnyslope Campus. Born 10/6/96 in IND. Your real father will always "knock on your" door as mentioned in the video. I have faith in your warmth and compassion.
You described my daughter in some of your descriptions. How do I find someone like her with her expertise?
Join a Support Group in your area.
www.familyaccessfightingforchildrensrights.org/support-groups.html#
Or you could Contact William Bernet, Emeritus Professor from Vanderbilt University. Use the Contact Form on the Parental Alienation Study Group's website. It goes straight to him.
www.pasg.info
@@rebeccadonaldson1464 thank you for sharing. Wish their were more local groups. I live in south Orange County, CA. the only groups in CA are in northern CA
you are an angel . keep doing help fot this cause .
Thank You for covering the scenario like the Dad who stopped going (no more knocking) - I've so many times thought that maybe I should just stop trying and that if I vanished from their life they'd be happy, because they swear at me, call me horrendous names, keep telling me to die and to kill myself and I have STD's and I'm not a parent, but what's hurt me beyond anything is the false accusations of abuse - that just kills me.
The scenario of the Dad has given me the strength to keep trying and not give up. Even when they say those things I still always tell them that I love them and will always be there for them no matter what and unconditionally. Maybe it does mean something to them afterall
Step 2) the absence of abuse or neglect needs to be clarified. No parent is perfect and alienators will exploit, distort and exaggerate any moment like that to create justification and practitioners, as it is represented here, will rule out alienation on any basis like that. Statements of abuse need to be scrutinized fully and all of the other telltale signs of alienated and aligned child still need to be observed.
Parents who are undergoing relationship difficulties will not be at their best and where there is an isolated incident, it can easily be twisted by a skilled alienator into abuse especially as they distort and exaggerate everything they can over the entire course of the targeted parents time with their children as they catalog every misstep they can use.
*Edited Hopefully the differentiation of behaviours between alientated children and abused children are evaluated before step 2 is considered.
Not even justified rejection takes place naturally. This statement from Understanding Parental Alienation explains that:
"Children do not choose to lose one parent freely and willingly, but must be persuaded to do that over time or through serious emotional manipulation that forces compliance"
Not even a truly abused child will reject a parent without manipulation. Any rejection of a parent is a red-flag that a form of alienation has occurred. Alienating parents can implant memories, distort and exaggerate actual events and otherwise align children under the guise of justification.
As an empathic targeted parent with a positive relationship with my children and my realization of my wife's PTSD, from events unrelated to the marriage, which in turn exacerbated her narcissistic personality disorder, my children have been overpowered by events which, at the time, had little negative impact on them and certainly would not and did not cause any kind of rejection.
Rejection of a parent should be seen automatically as parental alienation which always presents as justified.
ABSOLUTELY AGREED! I all of a sudden after 12.9 years of a wonderful relationship with my daughter am suddenly making her feel unsafe and she’ll kill herself if she is made to return home to me, (I never monitored her conversations with Dad as I wanted them to have a healthy relationship) now the one time I yelled at her for not doing hw 9 months ago is why she states she’s saying all this. Absolutely ridiculous.
Yes! Very accurately articulated.
@@87Strong
I can relate
9.5yrs and after months of no contact, me knocking on the front door now makes my daughter feel 'threatened' so police are called.
I wish the most painful drawn out torturous death for the mother. Beyond evil.
Living this. After divorce with a covert narc/narc in-laws. Your work is helpful. Thank you.
Thank you for so many points of clarity , and I will now be able to practice to over ride/ let things pass bye not be wounded and I will feel and deal with opportunity's with compassion thank you
I wonder if there is another word/term for this when sibilings have alienated a sibling from the rest of the family? A dominant sibling alienating another sibling and over time ostracization even into adulthood.
Very helpful as a Healing Parent and also as a Therapist helping others in this situation.
Thank you so much for this super useful information.
How many of the 17 primary parental alienation strategies is the minimum number to be defined as parental alienation?
thank you, dear Amy
After listening to this I can’t believe there is a consistent science to this abuse; I got the 8 behavioural manifestations. All. And had my own terms to explain it but wow. 😢
Thank you so much for this information.
Excellent, 🌺👏🌺
thank you so very much for sharing your invaluable insight. 🌺👏🌺
Thank you finally someone frickin understand me . I am finally being heard nobody ever explain PA from a real victim perspective. It makes me feel so much hurt for my child . I tried on deaf ears to beg her dad stop abusing our child. His response I don’t need help he said f therapist shit. It’s destroying me and I feel like it’s slowly taking years off my life. I can hear the pain in my daughter voice and a part of me dies when I hear her talking but what she really wants to say I love you mom and I wanna go home. I just pray for a miracle my ex wakes up before he completely destroy our little girl
This is similar to my situation. Ex narcissist- both daughters turned into him with me pretty quickly. My oldest told me crying in fetal position, if she loves me, he won’t love her anymore.. she cuts, had an Ed - which all she said was to make him see her.
I haven’t spoken to either of my daughters in 3 years. My oldest will be 18 next year.. I hope she comes back.
Good luck to you - as if we haven’t been through enough with these monster ex’s
@@Somebodysomewheresometime I am so sorry love 💕💕 sending hugs
I wonder how many children and parents out there go thru this. And what's worse, if the kid is so badly brainwashed that they accuse the targeted parent of abuse when it's not true. How could anyone know if the kid is being alienated or not in this case? And what exactly constitutes abuse? Who gets to decide whether a stressed out parent that occasionally snaps at their bratty kid is being abusive or not? If I'm standing in a crowded elevator and somebody farts could I then say that the person committed abuse to my olfactory receptors? So many questions....
I am happy to see that this professor understands that we must first rule out estrangement before we can call it alienation. This is extremely important, because its often the case that the child has a very legitimate reason for rejecting a parent that has nothing to do with being coached. However, what we are seeing in courts is that they are generally terrible at making this distinction. In practice, what is happening is that the abusive party claims that the protective parent is "alienating" the child and that this is an explanation for the Childs negative behavior. Rather than the abusive parent's own behavior. And in many cases, judges are awarding custody to the abusive party under the pretense that they are protecting the child from alienation, when there was never alienation going on in the first place. It's absolutely crucial that judges are not overlooking perfectly valid explanations for why a child is a rejecting a parent - whether that be abuse or prolonged absence from the home. Alienation should be the absolute last resort from a diagnostic standpoint, but unfortunately many courtrooms are overlooking evidence that would disprove alienation.
Outstanding! Thank you for posting.
Been living through all of this with partners children. It is pure hell.
What about alienation occuring as a result of narcsisstic abuse where one parent alienates the other parent to conceal abuse????
Living it
I believe this happened with my husband being alienated. It’s my personal belief that his ex was emotionally abusive to their kids and when they went to live with her, it seemed they were parentified and they were the ones meeting her needs instead of the other way around. She’s very hostile and cruel when she feels threatened at all (which happened so easily and you never knew what would provoke her.) But if my husband sought to do anything to protect the kids, they would protect her by saying they didn’t feel safe at our house. My husband would find out terrible things that happened much later that the kids and his ex’s parents would keep from him….like her telling their struggling daughter to just go kill herself and how the kids would move to the grandparents for a week or so because of their mom’s freaking out. I just felt so bad for him, and tried to support him the best I could, but my girls and I had to also detach from the drama for our own mental health.
This is a wonderful video - thank you. Too late for my children, perhaps. But so much validation and clarification on my experience. Thank you for posting!
amazing and incredible watch, thankyou Amy, knocking story beautiful
Thank you very much for your video. I am the alienated father of three. Girl boy girl. Through false claims my Wife who I am separated from right now. On top of alienating me. Has told my oldest daughter that I was going to rape her. That is so not me. Thoughts of even looking at her in that way never crossed my mind. But in my mind that seems to be a big form of child abuse. Like others I feel the courts are failing me. I have just hired a forensic psychiatrist to help me in this matter. One of the first things she did was put a restraining order on me. Accuse me of fooling around on her. Which never happened. She is hiding with her new lever behind the restraining order. I will watch this video a few more times. To get my mind totally wrapped around all of the information you have laid out. Thank you very much
where are You located Stephen? I may be able to help You. What do Yo do for a living?
Thank you for this , it's answered so many of my questions and thoughts . I hope that my daughter comes back to me
This content makes a lot of sense, and I'm sure it resonates with many targeted parents, most likely fathers. Glad someone really smart like Dr. Baker studies this subject and coaches people in the hope families can find some relief in such a tragic situation that often flies under the radar. Men, primarily, should drop the fairytale version of marriage they grew up with, and instead, really study what it means to get married (in an age when women don't seem to need men) and have children before they “pop the question,” take their marriage vows, and soon thereafter end up as a targeted parent -- and then likely get fleeced in every possible way in divorce court. Consider staying single and celibate, and enjoy your life as a bachelor through wise career choices; making, inventing, and building things; obeying the law; and helping deserving/trustworthy people less fortunate than you.
Omg….my son accused me of stealing his college money because his narcissistic step father planted that seed. My son began alienating me in 2015 when I left his abusive step father. My son was 20 years old at the time. Everything you discussed in the video is exactly how my son treats me the only difference is my son was a young adult when he cut me out of his life. Now my son is 27 and still has such hatred towards me. I’m heart broken. My son has done awful things to me just like his abusive step dad. He denies any abuse even though the step,father was violent with my son on numerous occasions. Thank you for this important video.
Where can I get this specialist to treat my kids? I’d love her to evaluate mines
How can we used this with a 4yr old child?
What can I do to help my son and myself before it is to late?
Wow, that 'knock' story!!!! Heartbreaking. How can parents be expected to keep knocking without breaking down themselves?!
The biggest and most important thing I teach my child is to be considerate, and show empathy, but,without being alienated by a manipulative parent, how can this benefit their future?
How to prepare them for these ppl? It is the most heartbreaking experience and I’m currently finding my independent self from the same abuse from an ex.
It has motivated me to be ready for court and my requests, I always consider both my child and the father, to enable a healthy relationship for the future and compromise when I feel best, But when they don’t consider vice versa, I have to show evidence but request fare outcomes hoping I am at advantage from having evidence and making my child’s benefit at the no.1 priority.
In what ways does the model make sense of children who have a narcissistic parent and that child’s aversion towards that parent for reasons of the emotional and psychological neglect? I can see a healthy child responding as an alienated child would towards a narcissist parent. Whats the research show regarding this mental health disordered relationship? Thank you.
Best presentation about parent alienation that I have ever listened to. Thank You so much
Take care of yourselves targeted Parents, you're not alone
Yup. My son is a victim of this. I have absolutely no doubt after this video.
I wish I had found this earlier my ex had done this twice and the first one oil blamed my daughter for and now the second daughter I’m seeing what he has done! Where can I find help I know this is a really old post but I need help asap.
Wow the part where you talk about how they come over and apend the entire time in there room talking to the other parent. I didnt know that was a common thing she definitely did do that the last few times she was here!
And it spills over into the next generation, with abuse to the targeted parent from a grandchild too. The signs and bad treatment are the same in a grandchild as with a child. I am living this nightmare of extreme alienation and it is so painful especially as my ex is the ex step parent. Unfortunately in my country parental alienation isn't recognised and it is enabled by the courts. You morn the loss of that child or children. 😢
Hi Amy, how can I do your coaching (online / remotely)? Many thanks
Of the "frivolous" complaints, does that take into consideration that the child doesn't have words as to how the parent the "hate" mistreats them? As a mid-teen, I had no words to describe how one parent twisted my words and kept demeaning me. Although this parent was abusive to me, I later learned that the other parent I was alienated from was also abusive.
Decades later, I still see no signs of abuse from either parent in my pre-teen years. (Now that I know all the signs, I see tiny, minor markers from one parent.)
Are there any experts in Australia?
Thank you
College bound adult kids still stuck in the alienation. Thought as adults they’d be more independent but regardless location still extreme emotional attached. Rekindled relationships during monetary offerings to ghost the next with excuses the other parent schedule of events keeping any breaks or open opportunities for visiting impossible. Convenient right before court dates offering to see me regularly too no consistency to the communications at all
I am going thru this right now with my 16 year-old daughter. She fits almost all of the criteria mentioned here regarding brainwashing ETC. She remembers NOTHING about all of the good times we had together and makes up reasons to hate me and adore her step mother, who got custody of my Daughter by lying to the court and manipulating my daughter! I am out of steam and out of money to fight. I had a TERRIBLE lawyer that cost me tens of thousands$$ and did nothing for me. Now my ex-wife is working her magic parental alienation skills on my other daughter. The courts are a crap shoot. Truth does not seem to matter
Out of steam. I feel that in my soul. This is an exhaustion that cannot be explained.
Yep
The truth absolutely does not matter in court
Feel like I'm learning this all too late.
Long line up forming behind you
Do you do one on one counsel regarding parental alienation? I have an epic case that started when my son was young. He is now 32. I really, really need help.
How can I get help for this???
My grandmother tried not only to make my mom hate her dad (my grandpa), but when I was being babysat she'd try to make ME hate Grandpa, too.
She told me he was doing black magic, that he was a r4p1st, that he was a p3d0, and that he was a bad man.
He was a wonderful grandpa though. I used to sit on the couch with him while he would watch baseball and try to explain to me how to game works. He'd always have a big bowl of peanuts and taught me how to break the shells. He'd buy jumbo marshmallows and make hot cocoa. Showed me how to balance my checkbook. He took us to Disney and had all us and the cousins over every Wednesday night for a pizza party.
She hated him so much, anything she could make up about him to stop us from liking him, she'd say. He had a storm closet in the basement with canned goods, candles, matches, and other survival stuff. She told me he did witch craft in that closet, and that he was hiding Satanic stuff in there. 😢
Curious, my sister and I snuck into the closet and found the candles and noticed a packet on exacto knife blades. We wondered if he was using the candles and blades to do some evil animal sacrifice ritual or something 😂.
I never fully believed the scary Halloween stories my Grandmother said to me when it was late at night and she had been drinking. If I ever doubted her stories she'd get mad and say I was an evil child. Say awful things about how she saw demons looking out of my eyes.
She was always lying to everyone about everyone else. Saying nasty things behind everyone's back. I was scared she'd tell everyone I was demonic.
So I loved my grandpa but when she was around I would try not to say nice things about him. She was a good grandma too. But she had such a nasty side. Even till the end of her life, my Mom and her sisters were still scared of her.
So how do I get my 23 year old to see this? So much I understand know and know. But because I'm finally understanding I'm trying to help her heal. And also myself. I definitely need your help. I am seeing my daughter after 2 years of barely any contact and I know this is why. I am so thankful for this video. Makes me cry and feel finally heard and understood. I have been in a lot of pain since I was trick into giving custody to her father when she was 9 years old I was told verbally we can always change this but all that was was the nail in my coffin. I know this was done for so long I knew something wasn't right. The was she treats me, looks at me everything. Even messed with my time talking to her at home. So now the normal is not talking much. Waiting until we were together. Then she grew up and the child I once knew is barely there. I want her to see what I see. It's many other things I experienced. Plus now I share trama with my daughter enherited some how. We both really lost a parent at 9. My parent is still alive but dead to me. But I just want more than anything for my daughter and I to heal. I have barely seen her in 3 years. I can tell they use her to hurt me. I realized is this year and deleted everyone that is associated with them. Because I saw they were using my daughter to hurt me. Why it took so long to understand it all. It took me understanding my abuse and where narcissism fell in my family. I have no one these days because if narcissism. It took everything I live from me. Almost 50 and it took that long to understand. It breaks my heart with tears streaming down my face of all the hurt I have been through. The fact that I'm still here is a miracle. I never go anywhere without my dog. Because I have been highly suicidal over everything. I'm learning to open these wounds and try to understand and heal them. Been learning psychology and it helps some. But the hole in my heart has only room for my dog. And he keeps me grounded. I gained 150 lbs when I had to coparent with that monster. It about killed me. But I lost some if it after the last time in a abusive relationship. That where my path of learning of Narcissistism took me. Well as long as I have my sweet dog I keep breathing. You can't begin to understand the hurt they inflicted on my daughter and myself. But most of all our relationship. Which killed her spirit, so now she is in continuous bad narcissist relationships too. So my question is how do I begin to talk to her. She is aware if Narcissistism. But I think they made her think it's me. So I have been waiting years to talk to her. Her healing is all I'm worried about. Thank you for this video it really helped a lot.
Thank you for this video. This confirms what I already knew to be true. I hope I can make this info work on my family's behalf. I need any other resources available on this topic. I just found out that their is a law called Coercive Control in UK. And we don't have this law yet. But this law could change the pattern of abused victims if we can Identify and bring it under the scrutiny of the Law.
When Dad was Alienated the children ended with the Stockholm Syndrome and could not leave the abuser side. Even when they turn 30 they all live with the abductor never able to see Dad. 15 years later the one son shows up to talk and I ask him if he was to tell the others he seen Dad. Answer was NO F------- Way as he to would be ostracized and put out on the street just like Dad was. Wonderful!
Ok so how can we help, heal treat this???
Some amazingly insightful sharings here - thank you for posting this!
Some thoughts / questions …
1/ how do you tell if a rejecting child is doing this for legitimate reasons vs PA? - i.e. I have a friend who thinks there is "nothing" her mother could do to make up for what they've done. But in her instance, her mother WAS screwing around behind her Dad's back. (We kicked the Mother and the Ski Club Captain out of the Ski Club because of what they were doing - NOT an easy call in that we all know that life isn't perfect but easy when you consider the ethics and where your moral values lie).
2/ a lot of the examples given are about quite excessive anger / animousity. But what about the insidious aspects that can lead to an injured sense of self-esteem for the child or lead to slight personality disorders later in life? (This is from the perspective of "to raise a happy and healthy adult, raise a happy and healthy child")
3/ How do we deal with a parent who ever-so-subtly degrades the relationship with the other parent? For example: a child given the option to spend time with the non-primary-care parent doing activities that the child loves (drum lessons, archery, mountain biking) and they chose not to because they know that the other parent won't be happy about it. BUT WON'T SAY THIS (possibly because they're unaware that their feelings have been manipulated or that they don't want to get the alienating parent into trouble).
4/ how do we call out the subtle manipulation that leads to children feeling the need to chose between parents? i.e. how do we identify that a parent's behaviour might be preventing a child from making a truly honest personal choice because they intrinsically know that there are expectations from a specific parent?
5/ how do we deal with the underlying (adult / parent) insecurities that result in PA behaviour such as "hey sweetie, it's ok - I'll see you again in a few days" … as if to suggest that going to the other parent is a bad thing. Nothing DIRECT has been stated but there has been a very strong indirect suggestion that going to the other parent is a bad thing. Otherwise, why the need to reinsure the child? Why not just say "hey - you're going to have so much fun! Have a GREAT time and I'll see you on blah-blah"
So very very very sad........
Thank you so much 😇
Went through this with my daughter, I guess she would have been considered a moderate. I went through this for 12 years and finally gave up and that’s when my child started reaching out to me. My daughter and I have since forged a pretty good relationship, but I do notice as an adult she seems to be very secretive (at 32) and she only communicates with people when she wants to and seem oblivious to her friends and family when they reach out to her if she does not feel like talking. I really wish I could forge a closer relationship, the only thing I can say is it takes time to work through these issues.
Thank you for the info
Is it possible for a step mom to alienate a child?
what if you are the targeted parent and being accused of physical abuse by the other parent of the child. and the child?
How can I determine if it's parental alienation or my child being angry with me about the divorce? We had an EXCELLENT relationship before the divorce. It's already been 2-3 years and my child continues to ignore me, doesn't talk to me when here, Is here "in body" only like you say.
I'm dealing with this right now as we speak my daughter is displaying every one of these characteristics I've been completely alienated by her mother it needs to be pointed out how this is prevalent in the black community
I agree, Mr. Smith ! Alienation is indeed more prevalent in the black community. I'm currently going through this with my daughters. It sucks not having resources rapidly available for men like they are for women. I believe most non-custodial parents should come together and start rewriting the nasty biased literature in family law by forming support groups.
It’s actually prevalent in all communities. We aren’t unique with this.
I'm an alienated black mother and I've been on a two day binge with doing research on how impactful it is to our communities. My ex husband is a covert narcissist and he is a complete evil genius surrounding abusing me since I served him legal separate and support papers. Alienating my child from me was his last ditch effort to completely disable my motherhood. I cannot even express how I'm deathly afraid of family court and judges because of what he's done to me. My mother supports my ex and I'm an only child. The only way I could save myself was by secretly selling my home and moving out of the country this was after her being gone for almost two years. I continue to stay in therapy and text my daughter. When I return to the states I got one sleepover and I was there for 3 weeks. The hardest part is to continue to pull from my empty emotional pocket in my heart and continue to write her loving and compassionate text messages. I pray for you and just know that there are black men alienating their children as well from their mothers. You are not alone and I pray that you can find some healing and support. I need more of it and TH-cam has been a great help. God Bless 💜
I can’t talk or see my daughter the courts left it up to her. Which was the courts worst decision because now she won’t see me at all she has the say she doesn’t want her dad mad at her or her step mom I just want to hug her and kiss her and tell her I’m always here for her. I know she know that but will she use it if needed I don’t think so because she’s afraid of her dad! Please god give me the strength to get through this !!
I've been wondering how I was going to word everything that you just said in Court representing myself during the custody modification trial coming up. The judge is starting to see that my ex is very good at lying and makes it sound so sweet with her silver tongue, but something just doesn't add up, most things just don't add up . I definitely have the judges attention with all the therapist reports and the fact that during September, October, November and December my boys age 15 and 17 sat in the backseat of my car during my entire Parent Time. Up to 11. 5 hours at a time for a total of over a hundred 130 hours acting catatonic whenever I was in the car with them. After an emergency temporary restraining order asking the court to force mom to allow them to get out of the car oh, now they can come in the house but they still don't acknowledge me most of the time.
owen parry wow dad heartbreaking! So confusing! Worst part is, you are the victim, being punished as the villain! Brutal! I hope it gets better! I am the child of a mother that did this, and I eventually cut them both off & moved across the country. After many years of staying distant and not allowing myself to be manipulated by either one of them, and dad treating me like the prodigal child, never mad or angry or loud when I came home. I always thought there would be some sort of scene, or angry attacks, but he was always loving and welcoming back. Helped tremendously in helping me not want to avoid him or punish him, because I did not want to face the blowback for being gone so long. Anyway, just some insight from an alienated child now adult. I still suffer with what I call glitching, or my friends and family call a tick, that I sometimes disappear and don’t answer or return calls or texts, and then a whole dread cycle ensues where I think about it daily, but get stuck in analysis paralysis of what to do about it. It’s almost like I’ve gone mute. Eventually they keep trying and I feel bad enough to answer. Usually the most innocent and loving people in my life, get the cold shoulder bc I don’t want to bother them with my problems. I’m upset about another person, and freeze loved ones out. Thank God they understand that it is not them, but my issue. And I do feel bad for hurting and rejecting people who are simply trying to connect with me, I care for them, and feel bad I have distressed them. It seems like a simple issue to resolve, just answer or respond, but it is almost involuntary, a triggered disassociation. I have felt like I was floating, upside down, in space, in a desert. And I am very detached. (And sober.). Anyway, maybe my perspective will help cope. My mother still rages about my dad, and borderline ruins weddings & funerals they both have to attend, but for me? 23 years after the divorce, I am sick to death of her blaming my dad and still bringing shit up from 40 years ago!! And acting like a total raving lunatic, at weddings & funerals, bc he “gave her a look”! And my dad will say, “I told y’all she is crazy. She keeps proving my point.” I hope your kids can remove the poison, just be kind as you can.💛
I have been an “erased Mom” for almost 13 years and it’s killing me! It’s all so wrong and I feel for my children who are now adults. They have all 8 behaviors 😢 Is it wrong to forward this video to them?
I went through this married 27yrs filed for divorced my ex husband lawyer did this and he went and convinced even family, friends. He distroyed my life it's way to late ages 50, 42, 37 and my 35 yr old son that passed at 21yrs old. My ex has passed away 8yrs ago and my kids blame me for his death!!!! Left a family in turmoil.💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
What's the piece of music?