How To Speak Up To Get What You Want
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 พ.ค. 2018
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Ever have a hard time getting what you want because you don't know how to say what you want, think, need or feel?
Is it because you worry about putting someone off, offending them, or coming across as demanding, overly needy or selfish?
It's not always easy to speak up or stand up for ourselves and can often feel really nerve wracking or uncomfortable...
But not speaking up, not being assertive, and not expressing your wants, needs and preferences when it’s about something that's important to you is taking a toll on your happiness and self-confidence, not to mention the fact that it makes it that much harder to get what you want and need most.
In this video I teach you 4 ways to become more assertive. How to say what you want to say without second guessing yourself along the way.
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1. Use "I" statements.
2. Put yourself in somebody else's shoes.
3. Make your wants, needs and feelings clear.
4. Be aware when you're/aren't assertive, or when someone else is assertive
I have been learning to speak up for the last 4 years Julia. I am finally realizing that speaking up to narcissists is futile. They are not interested in how their rejection of my spoken needs and feelings affect me, nor are they interesting in changing. I have to DETACH and LET GO. They are who they are, it's not personal, they don't care about what ANYONE feels or needs. Thank you for your videos, I am getting there slowly, but surely. Much Love, Peace and Grace
Same path so proud of you because it is not easy ❤
"if you love them, you will tell them what you need. You won't expect other people to read your mind."
Can you please do a video on confrontation and how to stop avoiding it when you need to express yourself
I have had to learn over time how to ask for what I need. Growing up in a household where there was a lot of abuse and restrictions on speaking up, I couldn't ask or trust that my needs would be seen as important.
I can definitely understand that Kelly. Yes, let yourself take your time in building that trust to see that it's okay to openly express your wants, needs, thoughts and preferences.
You are important so are your needs
Abuse and traumas made it hard for my abilities to develope my assertive side also or even sometimes small communication extremely something as small as a glass falling over can trigger me , but im getting so much better now , never give up your personal growth,! you got this😊! 💓💛
At work I sometimes hold things to myself and not speak up for myself. If I see something that is inappropriate I want to speak up. I would like to work on that more
ever since I've been watching your videos, I've been gaining more confidence and I'm just more out there. thank you for taking your time to share these videos because without them I would still be struggling. you're an amazing person.
This is music to my ears Hiram - I'm so happy to hear it!
Sometimes I find myself apologizing after I've been assertive! That totally defeats the purpose. Ugh!
When you said the reason that we get upset when someone asks us a question is because we don't allow ourselves to say no.... I felt that
I have allow people to take advantage of me at my job. When they see me coming in they would ask me to do this and that knowing I would always said yes and everyone else they would not ask but me. I have started the trend on my own self worth. So thanks for showing me that self love and learn how to stick up for myself because nobody will. I feel horrible and self hate when i let them take advantage of me but in the end i was the one who let it happened in the first place.
when i was young, my mom always says no you cant do that, no you cant have that. well, maybe i was raise by not communicating well at home. my feelings are set aside. well, need to work that out now that i have a daughter. i hope to be a good positive mother to her.. thank you for the videos like these Julia. you are helping many people like me. :)
look out for Dr shefali tsabari on councious parenting. The concept has just blown my mind.
Oh My Goodness! I did it! I went back to my friend/tenent and said NO I need you to move out in June, and cant push it back to July. They said that is fine. Thank You Julia you are a great coach!!!
This is exactly the video I needed!
I’m always in a situation where people say things to me and I find it really difficult to speak up.
And every time I replay the incident afterwards, I start thinking about what I could have said and then get really annoyed with myself to an extent where I start clenching my teeth and flap my arms around due to regret lol!
And now at the age of 25, I finally learnt how to express my feelings after realising that I shouldn’t care how they feel and if they don’t like me saying no, that’s their problem not mine👍🏿
I have a new addiction. Your channel! Keep up the great work. Thank you!
I heart this. All my life I’ve struggled to say no. Not so much my family, but other people like friends, colleagues etc. Ever since elementary I was labeled the “good kid”. I was always the nice one who never said no. Always leant other kids pencils etc. And when I got older, it just made life more difficult because suddenly it was way more serious than a simple pencil. Especially if in a group setting. I think my issue is that I said yes to going to go places, events etc. when I didn’t really want to, or felt like it, but I thought as the good person I was taught to be, to not let other people down, disappoint etc. I had to say yes. Like the fear of rejection or not being liked. But people also knew how to take advantage and exploit that. And too often I complained to my boyfriend: “I don’t wanna do it/go”, and he’d respond: “then just say no, or that you can’t?”, then you felt that you had buried your self too deep. Time had gone by, and the thing you had said yes to was right around the corner, and you felt it was way too late to go back on your word. And often it led to bad excuses and white mies just to get out the last minute, which of course lead to resentment and lingering drama. Now as a 30 year old, I have finally started to say no, instead of making promises I can’t or won’t keep. Feels so good. Still, it’s hard, but it works. One just needs to realise that ones needs are as important as the next person’s, and that you saying no doesn’t make you a bad person, or less likeable. Same goes for letting people know your needs, preferences and fears, instead of expecting others to understand, without you talking them, because they should know, or else they don’t know you, love you etc. A sinner of that. I am very verbal, and opinionated, so most of the time people will quite quickly get a sense of who I am and my values, but it’s also often easy to be misread, misunderstood, or perceived as a bitch, when I am not. I hated the innocent, and kind label as a kid, because it didn’t mean that I couldn’t be all those things, but as my own person, and individual, it’s way more to me than that. Like this was very visible if I did something wrong. People would say: “I didn’t think you would do such a thing, or I didn’t expect this of you”, when I never said that I was the innocent kind kid who never did wrong. I’m also a people pleaser, so it has been hard to break away from all these bad habits. Luckily besides being a verbal and opinionated bitch, I am also very transparent. I will let you know if I don’t like you, or things lol.
I relate so much to this. All my life i've been way too kind to poeple especially my friends whom I put in the first place trying to please them and satisfy their needs even if they don't seem to have any. it was just my way of having the feeling of being accepted because deep down I struggled with huge lack of self-esteem. I thought maybe by being too nice they won't realise how much i'm a boring /depressed/shy etc girl..I just hated the idea of disappointing somebody or appearing selfish and unkind but yes in fact my personality was evaporating in the process .... And many of my so called friends at that period ended up not only abusing me ln an indirect way but hurting me even verbally and mistreating me,bullying me .. I was the only one to blame because I didnt know how to make others respect me. I didn't love myself enough for that. I was losing myself and watched everybody around me move on with their lives when I was just struggling to be simply ME and believe in ME.. So yes it's very difficult and this realisation hurts sometimes especially when you realise you're the one who gotta get yourself up and be stronger because you're all alone and nobody can help you but you. Everyday is a new challenge for me to just think about myself more and compliment myself internally "you're doing great today, you're fine, everything is ok.." 😊even if I fail I keep telling myself this and reminding myself of my worth
Amyna Lehouimel Thank you for sharing your story. I root for you. I root for us❤️❤️❤️ To love anyone else, we first have to love our selves, which is really hard when you hear the opposite from other people. But I’ve started to listen more to my inner voice, and dare to say no. Make boundaries. And I feel people respect me more. Doesn’t mean we have to be mean or unkind, but there’s always a limit. Now I have real friends. Few, but it’s enough. And I don’t have to please them because I know they are friends with me for the right reasons. Especially now that I’m depressed and unemployed lol. Before anything we need to respect out selves so that in turn we can respect others, and vise versa. It’s all connected and it all starts with us.
Enjoyed the video.... I think for me personally...when I don’t speak up it causes resentments.... I think learning how to speak without being upset in important...I will definitely try these in the future:)
Yes! This is so so true - we need to speak up for the sake of our relationship with ourselves and others.
It is much easier to be assertive when you don't have any vulnerabilities aka weaknesses. The times I was not able to assert myself are times that under the circumstances, I was in difficult positions/situations and was not able to push back. When I am in a good place in life, it is not that difficult to say no. The result, I end up being manipulated.
I'm constantly expected to:
-put in work that is way above my pay grade,
-put in time that is not compensated for.
-make sacrifices as an employee with no compensation like giving up my paid 20 minute break for no reason.
-train new workers to a high standard without calling myself a manager/someone with authority.
...and who expects me to do this? My mother in law and my brother in law...I work for my brother in laws business and I basically have to do all of these things and say yes to everything because I've lived in my mother in laws house for about a year and a half now and she has not asked my fiance and I for a single bill. Although I am eternally grateful to my mother in law, I can't help but feel so incredibly frustrated at how she treats me...
[backstory: my fiance and I went through a very rough time and we made some mistakes in our lives and she took us in and provided for us financially to a degree]
Thank you so much! This video helped me so much just today. I've work hard on this, but recently have a situation that tripped me up. Your video helped me realise I was still devaluing my needs and feeling unworthy of asking for much needed help. Your guidance gave me the confidence to speak up politely and have positive results.
Your videos have helped my personal growth tremendously. I have struggled mightily with boundaries and assertiveness. You have opened up new ways of thinking that have made a great impact, thank you so much. Thanks for the ah-ha moment today too today on why I have resented requests in the past; It’s cause I didn’t know how to say no! Ha
Julia, you hit the nail on the head with me on that one. When I say no to someone in my life I feel and tend to overcompensate by over explaining my reasons for saying no in the first place! :( I'm going to take your advice & learn yo verbalize empathy.
I gravitated to your page somehow and I'm mind-blown. I've been searching for answers to my gut feelings and things I've been seeing. I believe I had been gaslighted. Been watching signs and actions...mostly listening as well. And we figure it out I end up forgetting becuz the gaslighting happened again and I slip back. It feels like I was under a spell but I strategize so much unconsciously that my mind figures things out on point by just tunning in. I realised I have set boundaries over the past year but realised I allowed one person to continuously break through becuz of love/spiritual connections. I am goin to apply your work and see if it helps my relationship. Thank you!
Thank you for the helpful teachings. I am working on implementing these tools currently in my life.
I love this channel ... great advice and positive comments. .. Thank you to everyone and especially Julia . Much love from India !
I truly appreciate your videos!!! I woke up at 4am with anxiety because I didn’t speak up for myself today. And this video helped me understand how I need to communicate. Thank you for sharing this video.
This is a beautiful video. I would definitely share so others can learn from it too.
Julia Kristina, you are soooooooo right when you say "if we love people we will tell them what we need." I love the points you make about this at 8:38 - 9:10. My wife listens to you all the time and encouraged me to do the same. I started and am so glad I did. I would like more information about the Shift Society. I don't have facebook but am considering getting it just for your boot camps. Please keep up the good work and thank you so much for providing this resource for individuals like me that have gaps in my emotional processing abilities due to my upbringing. Again thank you.
#3 I wish I couldn't tell how people feel. Most people don't feel very good. I mean about there self and I can feel there feel. Its very nice at times though when I'm around people who really are happy inside. : )
You are a strong foothold in a slippery world. I really like your personality. Thank you
Thnkw dr julia. I listen to ur videos n it inspire me alot. I prefee other befire me but u will not put them ahead of v. Thnxx alot n i will speak up for sure
How do u deal with a family member who use guilt an shame to get their way? I stated my feelings twice,finally I had to cut off contact.
Holy moly this is well done. Thank you
Hi Julia most of my struggles are at work because they want me to speak up. And I have been feeling angry and frustrated.
Thanks was great Maria
I lost a job by not speaking up. I let a manager I looked up to give me multiple assignments other than what I was hired to do primarily. I let him control my career by not standing up and saying hey shouldn’t I be doing this or that, instead of this. In the end, that same manager turned on me when the heat came down on him. Instead of him saying I had him doing this, he made me look like I was not trying. But it’s my fault for not stepping up.
Really great and very helpful, thanks Julia
Love this it makes so much sense I’ve just got to follow the advice 🙏
I am in a unhealthy relationship with a member of my family where I've attempted to speak up and express how I am feeling only to be critized for expressing feelings and told I am selfish and oversensitive and no real acknowledgment or recognition that some of his comments can be hurtful and upsetting it doesn't feel as though it is a very equal relationship and I don't feel that good about myself being around him so I am thinking it's better to leave in time
My whole family treats me like this. I was completely estranged for 15 years and then came back to try again but they are worse than ever and I've pulled completely away again. Things don't improve. Once you get used to not having a decent family and see how many people are in the same boat, it's much happier to be away from them than enduring constant mistreatment.
Great advice!
This is spot on!
Invaluable points 👍👍
So Cool with that talking from you. Thank you so much.
I am getting the hang of saying no. Not adding or taking anything away.
In the top 3 best videos I've see from you.. nice!
Great videos !!!
This is great thanks!!! I'm definitely going to use it when I ask my guy friend if he wants to give us a chance romantically
Julia, you are a finding!
I feel your read my mind
Yes.
An example in my life where I struggled to speak up is at my work. For years I've been scheduled 8 hour shifts and have not received the 10 minute breaks and lunch breaks entitled to me by state law because I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. It took a lot of time, but I've began to stand up for myself, and the boss took me back to the office for a private talk, he made me feel like he cared about the situation I was in and about the labor laws of the state; however, some time later he told a team leader to tell me to throw a box full of stuff away, and inside there was a rolled up labor law poster. I made sure that there was another poster in the break room that was rolled up like the first, so I allowed myself to throw away the spare that the workplace didn't need; unfortunately, it turns out what I really did was allow myself to throw away the English labor law poster while the Spanish one was never placed on the wall. It's been a few years ago, and it's made me dislike my boss quite a bit, but I don't have the courage to confront him about it, and I continue to struggle for standing up for myself around him regarding all things because of it. It doesn't help that I have a strong addiction to victim mentality and multiple insecurities, which gives me anxiety that I'm perceiving my situation in a distorted way against myself, but I'm trying harder to get out of that mindset that I've had for so long. I understand that I've not spoke up up for myself, and my struggles are from my own problems. Recently, I'm able to stand up and speak up for myself with most of the team leaders, but I don't know how to break out of the weakness that I show to my boss, and the fact that I have so many insecurities that I'm never sure about myself anymore. I am anxious about the possibilities of my future - that I may never grow up, pointlessly struggling to know how I know, failing to find a woman to love and be loved from not being good enough, painfully reaching to the stars for any comfort in all the fears and despair, all because of the fact that I have a fair knowledge in what's wrong with myself, but I'm not willing to blame myself long enough to stop the victim mentality and pull myself out of my own drunkenness and defecation.
Yikes! Try to not be so hard on yourself. I need to try to not be so hard on myself.
This is something I need to learn.
I used to be more shy when i was a kid. I find I'm not that shy like i used to be. Even those sometimes I do get shy. so don't like bossy people.
I do speak up for myself but so work on it more to say its better way.
I agree people should put themselves in other person shoes. Be more understanding empathy
I agree it's good to have time for yourself when you need it.
Make clear wants, needs. Lay hits.
Tell people how you feel to.
Force on yourself to.
What if you get attacked verbally or even physically and then humiliated? This is probably the biggest reason why no one speaks up, fear of getting hurt .
I like your name exactly how I feel
It's like we don't want to rock the boat lest we all fall overboard ! Rock anyway .... but gently !
And all the very best. ..
Keep rocking !!
Life is CHOICE, even when you don't make one.
Remember this, being bullied comes in many forms. Recognize.
It seems like you do coaching more with women, but I feel more secure with your advice. Thank you so much :)
Hello Julia, and thank you for your videos. They are so clear and helpful. My question is, what do we do if we own up to a feeling about the way someone is treating us, but they don't want to change their approach?
Your amazing!!!! I wish you where here in Washington DC I would defiantly be a Patient of yours.....oh and I’m Canadian yay!!!
You are so kind Monique - thank you so much for your support! Love my fellow Canadians!!
Julia Kristina is Canadian as well- in spirit ;)
Things that happen when you don’t say NO: pregnancy, liver damage, STDs, lung cancer, throat cancer, gambling debt, narcissistic abuse syndrome, sunburn,
Life pretty much boils down to two things: 1. what goes into your mouth and 2. what comes out of your mouth. Dr Kevon Arthurs, NMD
Its great♥️Love you mam!
So glad you liked it!
Julia is lovely
Thank you for the videos. I have problems saying no. Sometimes I am too direct when talking to people and they get offended. But I like people that are honest and do not hide behind fake excuses. Am I wrong in thinking this? Where is the link for the 25 ways of saying no? Thank you
I would like you to show me where you've put my life, online. There's gold in that there content!!!!!!!
10 months ago I should have said no to preparing my niece for a state exam of English. I spent most of my precious little free time teaching her instead of being with my son who is and should be my first priority always. My niece passed the exam, but I never once got a Thank you from her family for giving her dozens and dozens of free lessons. I feel like my sister doesn't respect me one bit, and it ruined our relationship.
I have a “friend” who says she can’t be in class (we co-teach a class together) and gives no explanation. I respect that, but I feel super uncomfortable because she’s so secretive. What can I do? It would be different if it wasn’t that we were team members.
I became meek mild shy submissive an obeient when I started being submissive to many narcissist since 13...I do seek your approval maam
I just determined this has been my problem.
Love the black and white...focuses on effective presentation
I'm extremely assertive gaslighting n stonewalling is no longer a issue all under contract court now. Reliving over n over n over is the issue truly in a continuous assertive pattern is weathering on ones whole being
Many times when we can't say no is because saying yes will get approval from the person asking. For a people pleaser this is the objective, to get approval and to be liked and avoid disappointing the asker which in the mind of the people pleaser the person asking might not like us if we say no.
what if you use "I" statements and relate your experience and the person you're talking to still takes it personally as an attack and gets defensive? From my experience it perpetuates a feeling of not being heard or worth it to try speaking up again.
Like your hair
Fear of being punished for asking for assistance to aid to get through my own crisis. Traumas. Accidents that left me alone. Needed to be rescued.
Can’t get the 25 to say no, couldn’t downloaded it
I love your channel and your page! Thank you! I was date raped because of my inability to say "No" that's extreme but true! That was 2017 Then last year I fell in love with someone who tricked me into thinking he loved and cared about me- I believe he just wanted his green card! I'm finally getting it! Bettter late than never though! And again THANK YOU FOR ALL THE GREAT RESOURCES!
When you use an "I" statement (i.e. "I don't like when...") and the person responds with, "I'm sorry you feel that way," how do you respond?
"DNT be sorry help me solve the problem so I won't feel this way" I feel this way because a problem exist saying sorry doesn't fix the problem addressing the problem, dissecting the problem and solving the problem gets rid of the problem. Not apologizing for how I feel about the problem to me that saying makes me feel worse. It almost sounds like "I'm sorry you feel that way but there is nothing we can do to change your feelings"
I've found that people who respond that way are usually narcissists and don't care about your feelings. Unlikely you will get through to them.
I'm residential student of my varsity..my roommate is a senior who always watches videos in loud speaker and keeps on notification sound of messenger ..being an HSP I don't like the noise..so told her very respectfully that the sound bothers me ..but shey refused to use headphone or silent the phone..now how can i handle this situation?
I should speak up
Sometimes, I already told them what I want, then they forget and do it again - so I have to tell them again, it's kinda annoying xD"
If it's a normal day then I'm fine but if I'm overwhelmed, it's really irritating
We cannot always say no, can we now?
We HAVE to say yes sometimes even though we don't like it.
Or we'll be a selfish and terriable person.
Luca Drogonthis this is true. However I believe there is a balance and the inner self knows when your not balanced by not ever standing up for your self, which is a lot of peoples cases. There has to be give and take of coarse. keep the balance, lol peace
(. REHAB TIME! ). . MOST OF hOUR LIVES WEE STRIVE TO DO WATTS REIGHT. THE QUESTION TO ASK URSELF IS REIGHT ACCORDING TO WHOM. FACTS OVA FEELINGS!
You know i went to a salon and it made me so angry that I couldnt assert myself, even if I do speak up they did not respect my opinion so I decided to not go back.
I struggle to say no and I resent itx
I need a o consult u on something important
HELLO
And sometimes we don't allow ourselves to ask, that's why we don't like to be asked.
What if me speaking up would cause more problems than keeping my mouth shut? For instance, my wife is not happy with my job and I don't make much money. She wants me to be like everyone else and keep trying to get more money. How do I just tell her I don't care about money, I don't want responsibilities. I'm happier being nobody, making little money.
Dave this woman is awesome. I just read your comment and would like to say that, when she is on you about anything, do the grey rock method. Which is basically not giving any expression at these times. This will probably make her mad and now she is giving you emotion. Don't let it get you and this will lead to the next time you talk, much more respect to you.. but you have to keep strong now. its worth it next week, month, year.
Its working for me. peace..
I've spoken up they still ignore so now I have to scream
Don't !
i seem to speak up too much...
"Just say no" is an eighties campaign
People aren't mind readers.. right..
I'm in a serious abusive marriage with a covert narcissist, due to that I decided not to give in for his swingers perverse I'm married for 21years, and several years ago I came to the conclusion he is a narcissist that wanted to control my life, a lose my family and children because of his demands, I'm became a born again Christian and there the fireworks start, I refuse to wear clothes on his demands that show my breast, he beg me to settle and I must help him, because it let him feel so good, to see other men look at my breast, he admitted that it gives him power, he wanted to get me pregnant by his closes friend, to dominate me, if I'm not cooperate with his fantasies, please pray for me, I'm isolated for 7 years in a lapa this to escape the rage, I'm a highly sensitive person, and worsen the situation, have no place to go,, please pray, I'm so confused and so drained emotionally, love for you all, that fight a battle, I know God's plan is peace love and harmony, and he doesn't what anything to know about Christ, I need pray please love Nicolien nicolienpoolman.np@gmail.com
Well said JK
I have trouble asking women out on a date
Maybe it could be an idea to make friends in a hobby group and then take it from there ?
Not everyone is comfortable in a social setting .
@@maureensamson4863 Thanks for your advice
Very nice of you to send it to me Thankyou
@@tmayor1949 You're most welcome ! Wishing you all the very best !
Excuse my language
Too much explanation. I don't have a need to justify myself to people, I say, "I'm sorry i can't make it but let's reschedule for..."
I'm in a serious abusive marriage with a covert narcissist, due to that I decided not to give in for his swingers perverse I'm married for 21years, and several years ago I came to the conclusion he is a narcissist that wanted to control my life, a lose my family and children because of his demands, I'm became a born again Christian and there the fireworks start, I refuse to wear clothes on his demands that show my breast, he beg me to settle and I must help him, because it let him feel so good, to see other men look at my breast, he admitted that it gives him power, he wanted to get me pregnant by his closes friend, to dominate me, if I'm not cooperate with his fantasies, please pray for me, I'm isolated for 7 years in a lapa this to escape the rage, I'm a highly sensitive person, and worsen the situation, have no place to go,, please pray, I'm so confused and so drained emotionally, love for you all, that fight a battle, I know God's plan is peace love and harmony, and he doesn't what anything to know about Christ, I need pray please love Nicolien nicolienpoolman.np@gmail.com
Just wondering if you ever considered leaving him as an option?
If you ever do , leave quietly in his absence, without telling him and move as far away as you can , with absolutely no contact . Take essentials and leave the rest ! God Bless and all the very best from someone who has been there , done that .