I have a friend who is a narcissist, but he says he's a genius and a psychopath. I have shown his wife and son so they know it's neither of those things. I've been a true friend and won't flea when his behaviors show. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist please don't allow them to hold you down with sex. It's not affection they feel. It's power they are showing. I am loyal to this family because I see his wife loves him, and so does his son, but they don't know what to do. I fully understand what they are going through because I have an uncle who showed up at my high school to kill me because he was manipulated by my mom who is a narcissist herself and her brother has a disconnec in the world because he witnessed someone kill his dad when he was young. I know what this looks like and I have to say the only true way to get through this is true faith in GOD as his child so we can be raised right. If you have gone through this I know you found and increased in faith. Thanks for posting this truth because they aren't ok to be around love or attention that's not theirs or directed towards them. His son is 11 and already punched his narcissistic dad in the back of his head. Why? Because his dad got cats for him he never asked for, and then after showing he didn't want them his dad got a puppy that he never wanted. They argued that my friend got them for his son but in front of me said he wants them himself. They are not ok to be around if it's love you are after. They are not intelligent, or open minded they argue with truth. My friend relies on TH-cam videos from open sources to gather information and I've looked up his issues in medical journals. I was in the Army national guard and my wife at that time became narcissistic in her thinking. While I was in basic training on graduation day she brought a man to stay with her from the bus trip she took. While I waited on her the cab driver called the barracks and let my drill Sergeant know that she had company. We have a son, and when he was just 13 she told my son that I might not be his dad. I had to get a home pertenity test kit that was cheap in order to get a result to tell my son. The test was crsp and come to find out through the news that it was faulty. I know he is mine and so does he but that one narcissistic comment kept my son from me for 7 years. She didn't let him call me or even take my calls. I fully understand what you went through. Thank you that you posted this video, and the fact you are a woman and not a man talking about it hopefully let's other women know they can do something about it. Atta girl from wichita falls texas
@@keithfazio6519 to catch up on this. Last night my friend showed me he hit his son in the eye after his son was told to turn off his video game and clean his room. He said his son then jumped up and began throwing himself at his dad while scratching pulling at him and trying to bite him. I asked why, and my friend looked me in the eyes and said because he's psychopath like me. I asked him if his son was ever diagnosed and he said he diagnosed him. A psychopath can now we know they have less than average intelligence than the average person can intelligently look at a person and go I see what to do to help you. He got mad and said I'll prove to you I'm a genius psychopath, he pulled his phone out and said Google can a psychopath be a genius he then looked at me like listen to this while it said he had less than average intelligence. He quickly yelled no no that's not true. I then asked where did you get your diagnosis, because if they said you are a genius psychopath they literally said it because it pacified you long enough to treat you because of your narcissism. He threw a fit calling everything he looked up a liar. I told him from everyone I know which are 4 people and 2 are in my family that it isn't genetic it's actually put into you as a small child and you have to identify as a thing to make it seem like you are receiving love, but it's not love. It's still loathing that they are here and they weren't asked to be, so they continue to use this little form to do the things they wish they did, and making them the perfect emotionally energized tool that doesn't comprehend love and will listen to their handlers. Because they now have too much fear to ask for help and can fully operate under the guis of their narcissism that is really their parent or parents self hate and resentment. When he lady night realized he was lying and he could disprove it. He stopped preaching and had to listen. He still could not answer why his son did what he did. I told him because he isn't spending time with him and teaching him. He says he does. His son reads and rights at the 3rd grade level, and he's 12 homeschooled from the start and when he's old enough he's going to send him to high school so he gets to interact with others before he stars work. Well that's what I've been witnessing. So if you know someone in one of these relationships please let them read theses posts, and get them away as fast as you can so they and the psychopath can be ok.
Yep me too. Im just leaving mine Ive been feeling so pitiful and ive been trying to leave but she kept pulling back in with lies and manipulation. I've gotten fed up and I finally found the courage to move everything out. So when she comes home tomorrow she will be alone. Breakup? No.. 😂 I'm UP and she is BROKE. Good luck to everyone in your healing process. Its doozy if in this situation
They can't let you go, but they can't treat you right either. Sometimes they doesn't even love you for real. They just know you're good person, and they would hate to see you loving another the way you loved them.
Exactly how I felt & knew that’s what it was underneath it all! & we have a child together. I’m bound to this individual for life 😮💨😔I was emotionally & mentally exhausted 🥱I fought alone for a one sided relationship for almost 7 years & the baby was my main reason i stayed & financial reasons. He went to jail & removed himself from my life temporarily!🥴😳He will be out next year & I’m afraid
They are the most manipulative people you’ll come across. They know what their doing, as long as they have you under their control, their happy. Move on people they’ll drag you down, destroy your life.
Yes some will, it's a spectrum, some folk have excessive traits, some full blown, they can use empathy as a tool kit and weapon without really feeling it as they can develop expert chameleon techniques
yes but people who are still friends with the narc are enablers and will just gather information on you tell the narc that uses it against you. so narc can be very abusive and helping their enablers while they are still in contact will surely be used against you. You must go no contact in certain situations including everyone around them. They are in on it.
Even 2 years after finally leaving my narcissistic boyfriend of 3 years; I am still working through the emotional damage that it left me. The worst and hardest part about it, is he gaslighted me so much that even now, 2 years later I find myself wondering if I was the problem. And then I watch videos like this and as my therapist says “look for the proof” and I find that he put me through every single point brought up in this video. I’m just glad to be away from him.
I call it crazy making. My daughter has been living with a narcissist for 5 years. As a mom, it is the most difficult thing to watch her detoriate, get happy and fall into dispair once again. When she talks to me, I decided to be as point blank as you and spell it out like it is. You can take the horse to the trough but you can't make them drink. All I watch is the cycle of abuse, and I told her so while I explained the cycle. "I'm going to wait until he gets better before I cut it off." I tell her, "No because everything will be fne then, you will have hope that things can change and you will stay." I like how you said, don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I will use it next times she opens up. I'm in agony and prayer for my child.
Its been 4 years. and only in the last year I can tell you 100% I wont ever get any sort of contact with that man ever again. takes time... but youll get there 😚😚
I’ve found that they do sometimes apologize, however it’s always half assed or when they’ve back so far into a corner they literally cannot escape, all though they always play the victim
this is so true! Mine would apologize, half assed like u mentioned and then say well I did this bc of you when In reality I didn't even do anything. He was the worst relationship ive ever had. Im glad i found the strength to move on. Plus we were long distance so it wasn't that hard for me to do.
me ex would cry with me and wipe my tears and hold me. the second he wasn't physically there, he was like a robot and didn't care about my emotions at all. it was all for show.
Mine would say the words “I’m sorry” (if he ever did “apologize”) as fast as possible while sounding uninterested and annoyed. He would also try to say that I’m actually the one who hurt him more and that I have to apologize for saying that I feel hurt by his words and crying ....
staying in a narcissistic romantic relationship is the most damaging thing i have ever experienced...my healing didnt even begin til i was able to identify what i was dealing with.
Couldn't of said it better myself, THANK YOU!! F**k, that bitch was crazy. How do I know? Cause a guy doesn't tell a beautiful girl "leave me alone" and walks away never to turn back. It emotionally and spiritually drains you.
I'm getting out of a 7 year relationship with someone that only just realised is a narcissist and this video made me burst into tears because I finally started to realise the extent to which I have been gaslit and manipulated. Thank you for making this in such a simple and compassionate format.
Well said, Kati! Narcissists are amazing love bombers and charmers. I notice that many of them pretend to be extremely empathic and understanding in the beginning of any relationship, too. What fascinates me is that, after a narcissist shows their true colors, their victims are often still gaslit, and still believe the narcissist is empathic, or somehow a good person who's just misunderstood. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you recognize the symptoms of a narcissist in your life...Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit! I've seen narcissists hurt not only myself, but some of my closest friends. Its devastating.
After dating and than mairrage, I thought maybe it was life circumstances at the time. Stress of school, parenthood, other things. After ten years of it I realized it wasn’t going away. That was who she was and I had to accept ending the family because no matter what she always found a reason to be mad. And fighting daily and walking on egg shells was bad for them And now she blames me for the divorce. Will say in front of my kids something I do is the reason we’re divorced. And it’s always a new thing.
They dint show who they rcus theirs big whole of emptiness in em they wish they weren't emoty but trauma killed all their hope and joy so now like a star is a black whole that died they wish tehy can feel but what u lack u kinda attack cus is lacking in u their not bad people depending cus gehris levels
I'm afraid for my safety as I'm currently in a relationship with a narcissist. When I break it off she threatens self harm or threatens to ruin my relationship with my family by making stuff up about me. She has destroyed my apartment in fits of rage on a couple of occasions. I have no choice but to call the police when this happens because I would never hurt a woman. I tried to restrain her once after she smashed the windows but she screamed out I was assaulting her so the neighbours could hear. Now I'm afraid to face them & I hide my face in shame. Because she used to work in law enforcement she can turn on a switch & knows exactly what to say to charm the officers once they arrive & lists the medication she's on as the reason. She has a son & I don't want her to lose him. She says that will be the case if I ever get a restraining order out against her. I'm so lost & dont know what to do.
After escaping a situation like this in the past, I’ve fallen into the clutches of one again and I’m financially stuck here right now. It’s killing me.
In the beginning they make you feel like you’re the perfect person for them and they love you like nothing has ever loved you before. At the end, they do everything they can to destroy, devalue and degrade you. It’s like living in a haunted house. You never know what to expect but it will terrorize you to the point to where you feel like a shell of a person and then they discard you.
As someone who was in a 9 year relationship with one, they do say sorry. But they only say sorry if they get something out of it. Not because they truly believe they were in the wrong. It also usually only comes after you apologize first. Thanks for the brief description of what it is like, hopefully people will understand how this is also a form of abuse and is not okay!
Another great quote in the topic: "You cannot change someone by loving them harder." It's not your fault. It's not your love that is not enough. You have to let it go to save yourself.
I know the feeling to never feep good enough and to keep on trying and to think if you respond different or have a different attitude more positive or lose weight or be a better housekeeper or mother etc it will be good enough and he will love me. None of it works no matter how hatd you try and no that now even though as I write this its hard to not hope for a brighter happier family with him even though it will never happen.
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 5 years. We lived together and every day felt like such a struggle. I was always wrong and imperfect to him. I wish that i could've seen something like this during that time period because it really described my relationship to a T. What rly helped me was going to therapy and talking about my trauma. It helped me get the courage the move out of the apartment we shared together and move forward with my life. Couldnt be more grateful to be in the position i am a little more than a year after breaking up with him. This video is gonna help a lot of ppl. Thank you :)
My ex-husband was a classic narcissist. He was a monster, but he wasn't always like that. He was sweet, romantic, very attentive, and I thought I knew him because we had gone to school together since we were in the first grade. He literally flipped a switch on our honeymoon, about the 2nd or 3rd day in. He just went off and started screaming and yelling at me because he got pulled over when he went out to get gas. Our marriage only lasted 18 months, and thankfully we didn't have children together. He gaslighted me constantly and was was verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive and I felt like I had to walk on egg shells in my own home. He had a daughter from a previous relationship and she was the reason I stayed as long as I did. She was so sweet and I loved her to bits. One day, I realized that his daughter was watching all of this happening and I didn't want her to think that it was normal to be treated this way by someone you were in a relationship with. She was very young, but I sat down with her to explain that her dad and I were getting a divorce and she basically told me that Prince Eric wouldn't treat Ariel the way her dad was treating me. This beautiful little girl was trying to tell me I wasn't being treated how I should be and that it was ok to leave. That hit me like a ton of bricks. The real kicker is that after he moved out of my apartment, he texted me to say that he thought that having sex with me one more time would help him get over the situation...Yeah, I don't think so!
Omg, that's exactly what my past partner did. He harassed for months after our break up because he was somehow convinced, in his own twisted way, that I owed him sex and he had to sleep with me once. It wasn't until I went cold turkey and cut him off completely by changing my number and blocking him from everywhere that the harassment stopped. It's been 2 years already, and one of my friends told me that he's still looking for a way to contact me.
I knew I wasnt crazy! Everyone was making me feel so crazy! I thought I was losing my sanity! This video made me feel like I was right, I'm not going crazy. Thank you!
Can you also add a segment or completely different video about someone with narcissistic traits who is an adoptive parents if you haven't already done that.
@@Katimorton I have found the book by Pete Walker "Complex PTSD" to be immensely (and intensely) helpful. I'm working through it with my therapist and WOW. Good stuff. Thank you for having your channel and covering these hard topics with empathy.
i’m with a narcissist right now and it’s completely destroying me.. thank you so much for sharing this video. i feel less alone.. i need to leave before it gets worse
@@sare88 Take care of YOU! I’ve been broken up from my narc bf for 2 weeks. It’s been hard cause I’m missing the good things. But I don’t miss the trauma and catering to his whims, stories, and demands. I bought him clothes, gave him collectors stuff, oohed and aahed over everything he had done. Given him 200%. He gave me very little. Took out the trash and lifted heavy things for me, cooked once a week, and was good with laundry. At first I thought he was great, because it’s been more help than previous men, but he lacks feelings, empathy, and true honesty. He drinks and becomes childlike. He was only doing the things he would do at his place anyway. Not really for me. Duh!! He got the best end of the deal and I got very little. His jabs and covert stuff was nuts. His self perceived victimhood that only he is going thru. It was all about him. I’ve just had fun doing what I want, eating what I want, and cleaning up for myself. You need to clean break. But I took mine back probably 5 times over 2 years. Don’t go that way. Don’t waste time.
It’s really difficult to have a parent who is a narcissist, especially in Asian culture where filial piety is valued and can be conducive to condoning narcissistic behavior
I know how you feel i am almost 100% sure that my dad is suffering from narcissist personally disorder Its hard to explain to people who didn't went threw narcissist abuse
@@NYMusic89563 (Not Asian person here) I think it's family loyalty. Putting the family first and believing your elders are right because they're older. Wiki says: "filial piety (Chinese: 孝, xiào) is a virtue of respect for one's parents, elders, and ancestors...In more general terms, filial piety means to be good to one's parents; to take care of one's parents; to engage in good conduct not just towards parents but also outside the home so as to bring a good name to one's parents and ancestors; to show love, respect and support; display courtesy; to ensure male heirs, uphold fraternity among brothers; wisely advise one's parents, including dissuading them from moral unrighteousness; display sorrow for their sickness and death; to bury them and carry out sacrifices after their death. " So I was wrong with believing your elders are right, and I'll say that "wisely advising one's parents, including dissuading them from moral unrighteousness" kind of took me by surprise. I suppose it shouldn't because it does well to warn people you care about when they're about to or a are doing something that could hurt them. I suppose (again as a Non-Asian Person) that Narcissist behavior stops the child from trying to look out for their parents which causes inner stress, and if they don't do as the Narcissist says or goes against their viewpoint can cause social stress. (If I got anything wrong, please let me know!)
My mother is narcissistic To all the daughters of narcissistic mothers you are the strongest women out there because nobody can understand you and little people can understand you have faith in your selfs you are strong and amazing
t-ara lovely thank you. One of the worst things is that the one person who is supposed to love you is your worst enemy, puts you down constantly and you just have to lie down and take the beating because we where just little kids and didn’t know better. A narcissistic mother doesn’t only break your heart, she breaks your spirit and crushes your wings before you even learn to fly.
I was married to a covert or vulnerable narcissist whose symptoms and mental health and substance abuse issues. Consumed him and my life. I left him after 7 years of wanting to get out because of 5 childrem and I Joe’s beyond measure he could return to who he was in the early years of our marriage. We lived together but separate for financial reasons and unfortunately I got into a 10:11 relationship and then had a 1much worse covert narcissist move in We worked together so I thought I knew him This was also during Covid when all of my natural resources were taken away from me. I was financially reliant as well. The relationship ended with me breaking up with him at work and him being arrested for chasing me with his car and not letting me leave work without threats. He was fired but I have been trauma bonded with him for several years. I do annoy think I am seeing how he really was. Thank you for putting videos out there like this.
Good counsel, there! All tied up under the heading of "Narcissistic ABUSE", and ABUSE they do !! YOU'D DO WELL TO GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP AS SOON AS YOU CAN..... and understand that they will do their very best to worm their way back into your life ("HOOVERING"). DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. RUN‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT... BECAUSE IT MAY.
I think this is one of the most underrated messages in the replies segment .. Getting to know these terms will oly make u realise 'Ohhh shit..i can totally relate..Almost all of these has happened to me and I couldn't explain any of these things to anyone till I found names for those behaviors..''
I've watched this video a lot of times... And it just feels better that someone understands. That i am not alone... Some one understands its hard to move on from such a person. ❤️
I literally went from living with a narcissist mother to dating narcissist girlfriends. Thank you for sharing this cause it helps me see these patterns in my relationships.
The same. I went from growing up with a narcissistic mother and narcissistic father. It took another 10 years of dating a narcissistic bf, for me to wake up.
victorn619 Well put and thanks for typing down a piece of your experience. If you’re raised to be patient with the BS you’ll be patient with it even in relationships and not even know that people you’ve welcomed into your life are corrupt and damaging, until you are educated in the personality traits of narcissism. Sounds like my story.
Spot on. I was married to and have 3 kids with someone with NPD and BPD. I bent over backwards a lot of those years, and I even did that 'wrong'. Thought I was crazy until I began to read, listen and learn about BPD and NPD. My efforts are now living my best life, setting and preserving boundaries, showing my kids an alternative way to live and to relate or engage with their dad. Thanks for putting this 'out there'!
Narcissists often have difficulty acknowledging their own faults or weaknesses, and they may struggle to answer questions that challenge their sense of superiority or control. Here are some questions that a narcissist may find difficult to answer: "Can you admit when you're wrong or when you've made a mistake?" "How do you think your actions affect others?" "Do you ever feel empathy or compassion for other people's feelings?" "What do you think are your biggest weaknesses or areas for improvement?" "How do you handle criticism or feedback from others?" "Can you describe a time when you felt genuinely humble or vulnerable?" "What do you think motivates your need for constant admiration and attention?" "How do you define a healthy relationship, and do you think you have one?" "What do you think about the concept of compromise in relationships?" "Have you ever sought professional help or therapy for your behavior?" It's important to note that narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum, and not all individuals with some narcissistic tendencies will exhibit the same behaviors or responses. It's also worth considering that engaging with a narcissist in a confrontational or accusatory manner may not always be productive, as they may react defensively or dismissively. If you must know what’s going on, with a narcissistic cheating partner who is always glued to their phone and social media, then you should hire a professional Private investigator to get you remote access to the cellphone and socials. Suggested- Hackspyhub@gmail. Com. Gave me access to my cheating partner phone got all I needed. A true Lifesaver
My first love and serious relationship was with narcissist. I'm really empathetic person and I was ready to do anything for him and I did. I realized it only after talking with many of his EX partners what he was. It blows my mind that I still after all these years I see "good" dreams about him regularly 😑
Same! Exactly the same! My first love, being sensitive and empathetic with all the love to give. Still having the occasional dream. They are cut from my life completely, but he had a good 4 years to mess with my head. I still have no idea what was true or false, real or fake. I had to move on and blocked him from ever being able to contact me in any fashion. Unless he went stalker on me. Best decision I ever made.
My relationship just ended with one after 2.5 years. I’m seriously debating reaching out to one of his ex’s that I found on Facebook. I just want to speak to someone that also dated him and that can confirm that I’m not crazy. I also wanted to know if their relationship ended the same way as ours? She just got married apparently too. I pray that she broke the cycle and has a good man now.
Omg same here! Like i also got To hear the real him from his ex(es). Tho he did reveal himself a little To me In the end when he left me. And the reason why he left me was because i wasn't perfect and my family wasn't perfect
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective MetaspyClubLLC@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
I went through this with my soon to be ex-husband! The Love bombing, manipulation, gaslighting, emotional abuse, Financial abuse. Mostly every abuse you can think of.. I’m finally out of 8 years of being with him, I was able to escape him. It was extremelyyy hard, but im out and now have been away from him for 3 months! I filed for divorce and I’m ready to find myself all over again! Love your videos Kati, super deep and to the point.♥️
@@ProjectCreativityGuy96 What popped into my mind when I saw her comment was: Poor girl has just gotten confirmation that she loves someone Narcissistic and they won't change & now she has to decide whether she stays or goes
I never would have expected that someone could summarize all the suffering and everything I had to go through in my last relationship in freaking 10 minutes. It's as if you installed a camera to watch and listen to everything happening between us and then you summarize it in 10 minutes like "that's all folks". I'm at loss of words
Narcs, the charming interrogators. One of the most important things to remember whether or not you are a target, or within the direct circle of influence is to NEVER share information with a narcissist. That's when they begin to tangle you up in emotional abuse. In war, you would never hand info over to an enemy spy. All the same if you share your preferences, peeves, likes, dislikes, work details, responsibilities, vulnerabilities, abnormalities, yes even allergies -- You MUST understand they will create the situation to use it as a weapon against you. All while playing helpless victim and brashly feigning innocence. What can you do? Change your demeanor and communication style. Be BORING. Their element is emotional manipulation. Your objective is to reduce the effectiveness of both. When they have inevitably cornered you into interro- um, conversation.. use these tips to survive; 1.) Be purposefully vague, or simply say "I've got to go, goodbye!" 2.) Direct them to another information source (chances are they wont even look into it) 3.) Strip any emotion or opinion from conversation 4.) Ramble inanely. Narrate making a pot of coffee that morning, or tell them about the gum you found on your shoe. It's probably mint. ...Or is it? 5.) Speak as fast as you can withouttakingabreath so they can't get a word in edgewise 6.) Use as many numbers and data points in conversation is as humanly possible. 7.) Ask them to do something for you (or with you if it's not their idea). Ideally it will be something requiring effort on their part "because it's a great opportunity". They will run from responsibility like the plague. For best the effect, use a combination of the above tips. Do not be helpful. Ever. Not only will it keep their innate do-nothingness from being exposed, but before you know it you'll be doing THEIR work! The cherry on top? Instead of a "thank you", you WILL be staunchly criticized in front of the (manipulated) audience of their choosing. Is this good advice, but too late? It's not too late to make your own decisions. Instead of taking the narc's lead, shore up your initiative and ready your resolution. Tell them what you intend to do and then do it. That's it. Stick to your guns. When they criticize or question your decision, just shrug and say the magic words: "We'll see." "Whatever happens I'm confident in my decision" "I planned to ___. So right now I'm going to do that." "I understand that you feel that way." "My plans remain the same." There you have it. Now you know how to disarm the narc, and defend yourself against some forms of narc manipulation. Share what methods you've used to deal with the narcs in your life, below.
THIS!! This sums up pretty much everything I went through in relationships with narcissistic douchebags.. Thanks to them I have PTSD from seven years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse and I struggle to this day to trust anyone.. So thank you so much for making this video. It really helped to validate my experiences ❤️ - Evelyn
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that, but I am glad you found my channel and know that you are not alone. You now have an entire community to help listen and support you as you heal :) xoxo
When I pointed out my ex's gaslighting he claimed I was gaslighting him about him gaslighting me. No matter how much evidence I presented he always tried to make me feel like I was a horrible, abusive person. He even told me that it's why I was abused in the past. Any time I brought up his lies or cheating he told me about something traumatic in his childhood, which was apparently why I wasn't allowed to talk about those things. My mom accused my dad of cheating when he wasn't, and therefore if you bring up my secret accounts, sexual conversations with girls from the area, and me constantly turning my location off and disappearing for half a day I will have a panic attack. He also compared my childhood trauma to his ex girlfriend's and told me it didn't matter because she had it much worse. So glad I was able to leave within the first few months.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I really hope that you are healing and in a better place. I experienced the same thing with my ex, I tried to say that he is possibly gaslighting me “without being aware of it” or “unintentionally” (just to try and tell him gently), and he would fire right back telling me that I am a horrible abuser and gaslighter. He also said it’s why I was abused in the past. If I brought up his dishonesty or unfaithfulness he would tell me that I am taking out my past trauma on him and that I am “stuck in high school” and “need to grow up.” And if I were to ask any question, such as “Are you being honest with me?” Or even a basic “Where are you?” he would blow up. I was never “allowed” to ask questions of ANY sort. He would tell me that I am “looking for the bad,” that “people have it much worse” than me so I should be “grateful,” and that he is “doing me a solid” by being with someone as negative as me.
Never let them know you're onto them and what they really are. It's just giving them more narcissistic fuel. Gray rock is the best thing you can do if you cannot get away.
You have the power to leave the room. You need to always realize you have the power to take any action. You can stay in a relationship but never lose the power to take action.
Heres my story with a narcissistic papa i live with im his granddaughter he called me names he told me i act like trump he called me bully and i called him the bullya nd he screamed for grandma as if he was screaming for his mommy He acted like hes the victim sometimes he acts creepy he said i might take off your clothes im only 12 years old i catched him looking at porn and talking about pedophilia im worried he might abuse a little girl or even me he uses Christianity as an excuse for everything im a Christian too and it annoys me you cant be a Christian and pedophile at the same time and a little girl lives next door i get worried whenever he talks to one uts because i have this feeling in my gut that hes gonna do something like r*pe or abuse
@ fluffywolf, pls you need to report to a trusted adult. Anyone who watches pornography and manifests pedophilia traits is not a Christian because Jesus christ in the bible didnt behave like that, pls do everything possible to protect yourself and the innocent children around you, always remember that Jesus loves you and will always stand by you.
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
You speak so much truth here... I was in a three year relationship with one. Tried breaking up several times yet he was so creative and could talk his way back in. Once I finally could escape, had to completely cut him out. Block him from all social media, cut ties with his friends, asked my housemates not to let him in. Tell my work colleagues to tell him I’m not in if he comes to my work. It was difficult yet I’m so much better for it. Had to have over a year of therapy to unravel the web he put on my mind on those three years. I don’t like thinking back on it but it is nice to see videos like this to remind myself I’m not crazy like he loved telling me I was.
Ex husband was a narcissist. He was so charming! Swept me off my feet but he was demonic when he did not get what he wanted. He only charmed me to get what he wanted. Like move away from my family and run a business for him. If you think you are in a relationship with a narcissist. Run. They will destroy your life and never own it.
Laura Lawrence omg! I just got out of a relationship with a narc and he tried to do this to me too! We live in Maryland, and he kept trying to convince me to move with him to Colorado or Montana to help him start up his, “business.” Where of course I would’ve done all the work.
@@ashleysartattack5600 @Ashleysart Attack yes, they're golddiggers in a special way, in disguise, with making people around them work slaves. that's how entitled they are. and making their work slaves never see any money, controlling anything themselves and making sure you never get any praise for the started business, only them. and a patriarchal society supports this too. they're often complete misogynists. and society and many men never talk about how often men are real parasitic golddiggers. using others for money, stealing, deceiving, even with girlfriends much younger than them. they exploit the lack of experience young women have with such evil. I speak from experience, they also steal your biz ideas. and know many other cases where this happened, scamming young women out of their heard earned money with lies, from paying for laptops to "leasing" 2k or 10k which the women never get back, as well as all the other exploitation. loverboys and such pimp human traffickers - when I just hear the wrong stereotype that mainly women are golddigers just one more time... I'm gonna loose it. and since it's rarely talked about, young women can hardly be well prepared to see what happens until it's too late. just because of old clichees.
Narcissists are controlling, manipulative, egotistical and are liars! They will try to prevent you from having friends, enjoying yourself, and finding peace. This is because narcissists are very insecure and they have no soul, so they will try everything in their power to destroy yours. If you even suspect these types of traits, get out before it's too late! Your Relationship Coach TH-camr 💙
Both my father and brother are out and out narcissist ! I struggle with romantic relationships because of their negative input in my life . I have had to distance myself from them , to be able to heal and grow , and I'm 46 years old . It's not a joke , I can tell you that
Hi Katie, This video came at the most perfect timing, as I just broke up with my boyfriend who my therapist believes has npd. In the beginning of our relationship it was a whirlwind and now I see that as “love bombing”. I was so head over heels so fast because he said he understood my anxiety disorders and things were perfect for months. His narcissism always came out during arguments, which were always ~my fault~ and he would always say “imagine how I feel, put yourself in MY shoes”. Every argument was based around his jealousy. He would continuously say he’d get help during our relationship of almost a year, but never did. Eventually he would start yelling and it would always take for me to start crying for him to realize how he was treating me, every-time. When I broke up with him he told me he hated me a million times and told me how he was gonna kill himself and it was MY fault. He talked about self harming and saying he was gonna go sleep with a bunch of girls because i’m “selfish”. a couple of days later he called to apologize and i mentioned the things he had said to me and told me i didn’t remember them right, those weren’t his ~exact~ words, even though i’m 99% sure I would never misinterpret hurtful things like that. Needless to say I had to block him on everything and I messaged his ex to see how things went with them, and interestingly enough it was the exact same thing.
Keep working with your therapist, it will get better. I'm sorry you had to go through it. I was with one for 3 years, amongst the lies and cheating, I felt horrible at the breakup when I couldn't take it anymore. I genuinely thought it would never get better, it was like getting off the most addicting drug, but 2 years later, I feel amazing. And it's all thanks to time, counseling, and trying my best to be kind to myself. Eventually, it all clicked :) and I know it will for you too someday!
I went through the same thing with my ex. Was constantly finding ways to put me down after we broke up and then saying I was imagining it or misunderstanding.
Ymi can relate. Mine threatens homocidal/psychotic tendencies if i were to ever leave. And we have children and are low income. So my choices are limited. I am so happy for you to be finally free. I wish you peace and love and healing. 💜
Being in a relationship with narcissistic people be like "I love you, please don't leave me" but they put no effort to maintain and continuously care about themselves instead of the relationship. Based on my experience, they tend to neglect our needs and emotions and we have to be the ones who struggle A LOT. I would say its more than just being traumatized, its pretty much daunting being in relationship with these people.
I love how you pointed out that if a narcissist notices his/her NPD themself and go seek help they can make things work through therapy - even though it is rare. That small piece is missing in most videos I've seen on this topic and makes me sad as it puts an entire group of people down. You were very discerning in that and I appreciate it!
This video was extremely helpful. I just recently got out of a 7 year relationship with someone who was a narcissist. He made me feel like everything was my fault and that I’m the crazy one. He was mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually abusive. I’m still trying to process all of the trauma and hurt. and he tells me constantly about all of the things he did for me like I owe him things.
I just got out of a relationship with a narcissist and it sounds like you're describing my ex with a lot of precision. The super strong selfishness, the controlling, the manipulation, the being right all the time, the verbal abuse and physical abuse, the trying to destroy your self-esteem everyday. I have a lot of traumas from this experience and I'm still trying to get through them, especially because I am a very caring and giving person. The emotional abuse leaves a mark on you for a very very long time. Hard to trust people after this experience
Thank you so much for this video Kati. I will be passing it along to a friend of mine who has been in this kind of a relationship for YEARS! She watches your videos when I tell her that she can directly benefit from them. This video spoke volumes to me and it will speak to her as well. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I would love to see a follow up video of how to move forward in finding relationships after being in a narcissistic one....I cannot ever see myself being totally comfortable and trusting with anyone ever again!
The problem is that narcissism is a cult of feelgood and irresponsibility. The reason people are attracted to them is that this thinking is contagious. The reason why they are abusive is that sometimes things malfunction and the responsibility must be pushed onto someone else. When the danger is over, the shared feelgood and irresponsibility continues. What people fear in narcissists are their crises, because then they will push guilt and shame like a grenade. And why people find hard to find healthy relationships is because the irresponsibility is addictive. Narcissists use other people as drugs while being their drug at the same time.
This hit hard.. ‘you are a terrible person, you are seeing things, you are lazy, why didn’t you do that thing’.. when literally all you’ve done is done is try and cater to them and neglect your body, mind and dreams. Eventually you are so worn down you have zero self confidence left.
I had to cut off my own dad because he's a narcissist. I have never regretted it. Not even once. I regret not having a normal dad, someone I could call Dad. But I do not regret cutting him out of my life. He doesn't behave like a human being.
I hear your pain and understand how it is. I can say the same of my father, unfortunately. He is not able to express compassion or uninterested love, he does not seem human to me. I chose to let him outside my life too. But I am living a happier and more stable life :)
All of this is accurate to what I had to go through. I used to be in a relationship with someone with NPD... It was terrible. We got engaged and apparently it was actually fake. He blamed me for everything or gaslighted me into blaming myself and I built up an unhealthy habit of it. He would love me and give me so much attention and call our love "transcendent", and then he would have this sudden switch moment and then blame me for making our relationship "not 'transcendent' enough". And emotional blackmail came into play as well... My mental health crashed within a few months. He refused to get help, I was the one who decided to get help for myself with mental health professionals. It has taken me over 2 years to recover from that relationship, but I'm a lot better now in my new life without him.
Hey Katie, I just wanna thank you for hour videos. They helped me realize that i may have depression and seek help. I also had suicidal thoughts and spent three weeks in a mental hospital. Your videos helped me a lot during recovery:) So thank you for creating such helpful content. Have a great day! Edit: sorry for possible mistakes, i'm not from english speaking country
@@Katimorton hey Kati I've been struggling with being in a relationship with narcissists which are some of my family members, some of their friends, and some people outside like school teachers and I'm always getting judged about my wrongdoings, getting blamed for a lot of things, having to be projected, having to be characterized with negative traits I don't pocess, they been picking two of my cousins over me saying they are better than I am than make up excuses to my face about it, and they also tell my cousin that he/she is their favorite like "for real?!" No one's not supposed to have a favorite family member
The last part hit hard for me. When you said that you believe in communicating before ending a relationship. I’ve expressed so many things my husband has done that made me feel small and watched him put me down and compare me to his twin sister and in reverse put her down and make me look better making her feel bad. He doesn’t listen to my needs and I’ve tried for years to talk to him. He changes for a little while then goes back. That was such a helpful thing to hear. I appreciate you making these videos.
I dated an addict/narcissist and one of the BIGGEST manipulation moments he ever did was tell me, “I love you so much I don’t care about your past- no one else would want you because you slept with so many people, but I don’t care because I love you.” I mean just wow. Trying to make it sound like he loved me some crazy amount to overlook such a “shameful” quality.
Yo. I thought I was a narcissist because I grew up in an extremely toxic household and was acting out my toxic shame to cope. What the fuck is that though? Do not deal with that in any form.
I can’t believe I lived through this for so many years. glad to be out of it but three years later still dealing with the trauma of years of manipulation.
I just found out my sister is a narcissist like two days ago, and I haven't been able to sleep without nightmares. The timing of the topic of this video is spot on. Thanks Kati!!!
Same with me, it was also my sister who made me seek out the answer to "what's wrong with me," only to find out that all along, the answer was "there's something wrong with THEM." Then I saw the movie Bird Box and it all just clicked-that movie is a metaphor for conditions like narcissism and the devastation they cause to the people around them. It especially hit me hard when Sandra Bullock's sister "saw" whatever that thing outside was, said "mom" (who was probably a narcissist based from context clues), and proceeded to kill herself. Finding out for the first time that you'd been blind your whole life feels like that. I had been hurt again and again because I kept expecting to be loved and shown love but people like this have zero intention to do so. Now I just manage my expectations, I've cut off other people like her from my life, and I've stopped investing emotionally in those I can't get away from. Sad reality, but galvanizing. I feel like I've become the person I was always meant to be, which had been suppressed before by the people who raised me.
Been married to a narcissist for 40 odd years, She only abuses me, you say just leave but she said “ if you leave I’ll make sure your never see grandchildren again” she does all there ironing, cleaning, I’ve had stroke because she drove me to drink which coursed the stroke. I’m between rock and hard place. The kids now adults when I said “I should have left your mum but I stayed for you kids my daughters reply was “ you should have left dad” wasted 40 years of my life. After She’s had I call them “ turns” she will say “ I Apologise” but in real Stern tone.
So accurate! Thanks so much for posting this Kati! I’m still recovering from being in an on-again-off-again relationship with a narcissist. It was so toxic but as you said, they’re so charming. I’m an intelligent person, yet I was definitely manipulated and drained. Heartbroken time and time again by the same person. I’m glad we’re finally over & have cut contact.
Justine Giles Same here, they target the strongest people and chip them away until you can’t remember who you are. You are left asking yourself how you allowed someone to wee in your hand and make you believe it is holy water .
Please, do not fool yourself. The narcissist offers something not dishonestly but something that is dishonest in itself. The lack of personal responsibility is literally the thing that their victims find charming, welcoming and empowering, also too good to be true.
Kati your videos are always one of the best parts of my week!! 💝 I used to have a narcissistic best friend, and letting go of her was the best thing I could’ve done for me! The friendship became super draining, even though I did my best to make it work
True true true. At first I thought it is just the lack of communication. Each conversation lead to questions from my partner like "Looks like I am the problem", or "Let's have a break and see if we wanna be together" or "I did this only once and I didn't mean it anyway".
2 years with an alcoholic junkie (said he was in recovery for the first 6 months) and I think he ticked every single quality in this video. Totally agree with the advice given here - get out as soon as you can!! They won't change. As soon as you leave, they'll move onto someone else. Do what's best for YOU and move on.
@@Katimorton oh my god, thank you for replying. I hope if anyone is in the same position that they'll see this video and have the courage to leave :) your videos are amazing xx
@@notfunny1410 did you not read the part where it says 2 YEARS? I went to AddAction appointments, hospital admissions and benefits assessments with him. I gave him somewhere to live when he lost his house because he couldn't get it together to pay rent. I mediated with his landlord so he didn't get taken to court over it. I made sure he ate every day, cleaned up his cuts when he got into fights and injured himself when he was out of it. I tried to calm him when the anger took over, I listened to him when he was low and I held him and I FUCKING LOVED HIM. I told him that. I told him as long as he wanted to get clean, I'd be there for him. Do you know what I got back? I got gaslighted, lied to, stolen from (money, things I'd saved up to buy, personal stuff), holes punched in my walls, cupboard doors torn off, police at my door at 2am, friends who wouldn't come round any more, people avoiding me in the street because of him. I took it all, I found ways to cope so I could still support him, because I always believed he could get clean if I did more to help. It turns out, there was nothing I could do. Nothing I had done had helped at all, he was drinking more than when we met and using anything he could find. He cheated twice (that I know of), and yet when I wanted to go for a weekend away with a group of friends, one of whom was male, he screamed in my face that he couldn't trust me around other guys. I don't know if I could have done more or done anything better, but I know I only ever tried to fucking help. Good luck on your journey. It's got nothing to do with other people and everything to do with YOU.
Not Funny Don’t let someone’s comment stop you from wanting to change. Im a recovered alcoholic “junkie” who celebrated 5 years sober this year. It is sad that a therapist would “like” someones comment referring to people struggling with the disease that way, but I try to have compassion for what they went through. Active alcoholism/addiction can look a lot like narcissistic personality disorder. It doesn’t always, but we usually come in with some of these character defects. If we devote ourselves to it, we can change, but it takes a lot of humbling work. It also took time for me.
This is an excellent video! you hit the nail right on its rigid, self centered, arrogant little narcissistic head! This is my most recent ex boyfriend. We broke up for the billionth time yesterday. I like what you have to say about how it’s very difficult to leave, but you just gotta do it because they simply will not change. You cannot make them. Even though I have no bigger burning obsessive desire than to force this mo fo to change his ways, aside from turning completely evil myself and torturing him in a basement dungeon somewhere in order to brainwash the narcissist behavior away, I need to accept the fact that I cannot force him to change... 🤷🏼♀️ He can only change if he wants to, and he definitely doesn’t. In his words “I have nothing to change, I’m normal. You’re the dumb one sarah who needs to be fixed, and I’m gonna fix you!” Yikes 😳 omg he makes me so angry 😤 the most controlling person I have ever met in my life! And the least accountable. These kinds of videos will help me from going back (I hope) 🙏🏻during his next Hoover attempt.
the last three minutes of the video was the most profound truth/advise. Regardless if another person has NPD or not or whatever traumas or insecurities they have, you only have control on yourself, your choices, and your happiness. Everybody else has a choice what to do and chose to be.
Great video. They will sell you a dream to deliver you a living nightmare, and they can be extremely dangerous. Most people walk away from a narcissistic relationship with nothing, there's always a way back up, and always a way to find a SAFE way out. They idolise, to devalue to intermittent idolise, to devalue, to discard to hoover. Abuse is abuse no excuses. You deserve better.
Best example of future faking I experienced: "When I feel safe with you, I'll share info about my mental health/life". After over a year and a half, it never happened. I had to discover, and put the pieces of the puzzle together of my ex's BPD/covert NPD completely on my own. If you've decided to be exclusive with someone and they withhold information about their mental health *that can affect your wellbeing* (I ended up with CPTSD) either walk away or be realistic about why they're not sharing essential info about themselves, e.g, don't get attached, establish and maintain boundaries, know what your dealbreakers are, etc.
Thank you for this video. I recently discovered what a narcissist was by watching video like this on youtube. I was shocked and couldn't believe what i was hearing. I stumble back down the rabbit hole and have to remind myself to get out. I find that watching these informative videos helps me keep on track of the end goal. To end my 10yr relationship. I recently told a friend. I have turned on the lights and I can now see!
I thought I had found the love of my life and deep down I know he loved me to the moon and back but anytime ai tried to discuss the relationship issues I was met with silent treatment and the only chat I would ever get back was 'I don't know what you want me to say' or 'ok'. I tried tirelessly to ask him what he wanted in the relationship, what his needs, dreams, goals were but he never opened up. I always tried using 'I' statements to find out why he was withdrawing. Only after I broke up with him he told me what was wrong and then refused to let us work on it and get back together and he literally discarded me. Today I finally lost my shit and became someone I am not and turnt nasty towards him and I feel awful but he has literally drove me to insanity. That's no excuse for my behaviour and I will always regret it but I feel so lost and so broken right now. The grief I am processing is unreal.
Hayley - your description is like reading my own story! It's really hard not to lose your cool. I know it's really hard not to beat yourself up about it because you feel guilty but that is exactly what he has conditioned you to do. Remember Kati's words - you can only change yourself! Cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to grieve for what might have been but also know that you're taking care of yourself by not tolerating the emotional abuse. Be kind to yourself and please find people who can support you on your journey. Much strength!
You have one of the most informative videos on their behaviors, its perfect. I can't wait for my next appointment with my amazing therapist who taught me some techniques how to deal with my wife... She threatened me several times of destroying me, taking everything away from me (its half hers anyway), and in the past told me: "she would have killed herself if she had not me". I was in such a bad shape then, i believed i could only get her as a partner.......... Now i've been going to new therapist (left the previous therapy, had not figure out her behavior yet sadly), she tells me i'm becoming someone else........
Its been almost 5 years ive been with him. This is to a T how my life has been and i am DONE with it all. Been thinking about moving to my sisters across the country. Its been a really tiring 5 years. Obviously looked up this video at 8 in the morning to remind myself im not the crazy one. Thank you for sharing and once again putting my mind in perspective or what i need to do.
This is a great video for anyone who is not married but if you marry the narcissist, you’re F$& and it’s true, they won’t go see Kelly but I’m finding figuring out to do a narcissist 11 years hopefully most people can do better than that
That hit pretty hard, although I started realising that my partner might be like this couple of months ago! I was working so much before the quarantine, so I thought he is just upset I’m not spending more time with him. He was always complaining that all I do is work and I never heard one word of appreciation from him. Then slowly, he began manipulating me to the point I started believing that all my friends were calling me just because they need something from me, and not because of who I am... now I see it was all a master plan to be his broken doll fulfilling all wishes... with no friends... it’s always been a problem for him if I go out with a friend... so I stopped, because the drama was too much. Even today after 2 months sitting at home with him, it became great problem that I wanted to see a friend in the park for 1 hour. He gave me the usual look and asked me the same question 3 times “are you going to be with just her or she is with more friends” “what the hell will you do with her when you know she is not a real friend of yours?” And so much more... he has made me look crazy, putting words in my mouth that I didn’t say, treats me horrible in front of his friends, it’s like I don’t exist. No matter what I say or do, he always knows best... and I’m the unworthy plebe that knows nothing...
Very well done Kati. My experience has been that I forgot, or unlearned, that I have a the right to exist, the right to protect myself and the right to live free of someone else's struggles. Period. I lost too much time trying to justify other people's bad behaviour towards me...hard childhood, hard job, hard whatever. No more. It's about my experience now. If I'm feeling invalidated I say so. If its dismissed then I do what needs to be done to take care of myself. I will no longer set myself on fire to keep someone else warm. Thank you for all that you do 👍
when you said the thing about not reminding them of their appointments.. my jaw dropped! I was dating a narc for 8 years... and I never realized that would be a trait!!! thanks for this video
Still watching the video. But. The core of narcissism is the rejection of personal responsibility. So when you remind them of something, they feel like you were pushing responsibility onto them. Pushing responsibility onto others is what they do most of the time. Also, when they remind you of your responsibilities, they don't want to inform you but to get a reaction out of you as a sign that they've succeeded.
You are absolutely correct. Narcissistic relationships also exist between relatives examples: toxic mother-daughter relationships. Thank you for the video. It truly opened my eyes and helped me reflect on past relationships. Thank you, thank you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Was I too harsh?" Lol Kati...for someone who was subjected to this kind of person from the age of 11 to 23...you weren't nearly harsh enough. But I thank you for this video. It really made me feel I wasn't crazy, that I was manipulated and I shouldn't be too hard on myself.
Sitting here listening to this is making me think of my ex. The way he showered me with affection only to become cold and angry when I did something that didn't make him happy. How he'd blame all his problems on others whilst doing nothing to rectify the situation. How he threatened to hurt himself if I didn't do what he wanted. I'm just now seeing it and realising how damaging he was for me.
I just came across this video because I was told I am dating a narcissistic guy and it has been really hard with him this because I found out he was cheating on me and his excuse was that I didn’t give him the attention he needs and that he supposedly he has told me what he needs from me but in a mean and emotionally abusing way and also blaming me for how he feels which not happy with me and himself. we have baby together and makes more hard for me because he tells me he is sorry and that he wants to change but for to see someone change is by actions not words or promises and he hasn’t showed me what I want from him. All he does is leave for the whole day and tells me he has been having anxiety so that’s why he is not home to be with our baby and me. His excuse to also to be away from all day is because he doesn’t want to abuse me emotionally and verbally like he how he always does when he gets mad. Watching this video now has me thinking more about what I should do to either stay or just definitely end this relationship. When I actually do say I am done with the relationship he manipulates me and makes think he wants to continue being with me but in reality his actions are way different from he supposedly wants with me.
It's hard but you have to lead by example for that beautiful baby. He won't change and even if by some miracle he works on himself you'll always have the emotional scars of what he's done to you.
7:30 is what I told my therapist when we first met. "I realize that I can not control others, so I need you to help me develop tools to ....." She was really happy that I realized I can't control others.
"NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, The word it self says I'M POSSIBLE". I think you were a little harsh when you said that one thing. Everything else describes it perfectly. You do an amazing job! Thank you
Learning how to set boundaries is vital. It gets them to leave us alone as we are undesirable. No contact if possible, else learning to grey rock till contact can be severed. Breaking isolation and reaching out for therapy or spiritual help. A good dose of self love. It's a slow process and different for each person. There will be a bit of back and forth, no healing is linear. The idea is break the trauma bond, handle any cognitive dissonance, address what makes us accept being treated that way, unlearn any patterns that accept toxic people into our lives. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, I can't say it enough. Important to advocate for ourselves and find our voice after losing ourselves in relationships with them.
Thank you for this video. You hit every nail on the head. I've been dealing with 1 for the past 4 yrs & unfortunately I have nowhere to go. It's at the point where my safety & health are being jeopardized but I don't have any options at this time because I'm disabled. Thanks to this video, I have a ray of hope that maybe 1 day I can make it out. In the meantime he's gone overboard to hurt me & make my life miserable. Hindsight is 20/20
Narcissism is an escape from personal responsibility. It is addictive and their behavior tends to attract and convert people for this very reason. It works like a drug and recovery means willingly taking responsibility when it would feel so good not to.
You're so right! Most of them think they're superficial people. I lived in a family of complete narcissists. It was horrible. All of them thought only about themselves. At one point of my life I decided that that my family is my fault. So I started thinking that I could change it by serving them. And in parallel I tried to build my own life. I made them relaxed, I did stuff, I solved my own problems. I tried to fix disfunctional relationships between them. They all cared about themselves. It just didn't happen. Words, support, money, doing stuff for them never got valued. I tried all the time to build my own life. But in time they just got abusive, physically abusive. Everything they wanted is that I served them. They never appreciated what I did. They all said I did nothing. They never cared about my feelings. They thought my feelings are something stupid. Because they lack empathy and they don't feel it. Some of them are really dangerous. I do agree that it just impossible to prove something to them. And if you try to fight back they may commit a crime. Be aware!
ONE MONTH WITHOUT THE NARCISSIST!!! Sorry, Im yelling it from the rooftops these days, Im so happy. Ive totally bounced back, feeling great. Ive accepted my ex is a lost cause, I think thats helped a great deal. Accepted there is no closure, Ive created my own.
I needed to hear this thank you. I was feeling this exact feeling few weeks back when was broken up with narcissist, then he came back and him back and now I’m back to square one unable to let him go, especially when he tells me he will treat next girl differently, I trauma bonded but when I watch these videos it’s helping.
Selena Jet it took me 12 times to leave the narc- seriously. 12 times! Each time he wouldn’t accept it or we would break up and get back together and I instantly regretted it. It’s a horrible loop to break. Stay strong. You know what to do. Not saying it’s easy, by any stretch, it’s so hard. I’m sad at times but it’s easier everyday. Not sure who I loved, he was someone entirely different at the end of it. Ps. I heard the “treat a girl differently” speech too, I doubt my ex will. He can’t. He’s incapable of it. They all are.
This is so spot on. I lived this sort of abuse for 12 years and I feel sooo free that I left. However I am dealing with the MOST acrimonious divorce dragging on for Nearly 3 years now. The intimidation and abuse still carry on but leaving was the best thing I ever did in my life!! There is NO hope of change they will NOT change just leave don’t waste your lives on these people!!
thank you for posting this when you did. I just ended my 20-year relationship with my narcissist father after 20 years of abuse and selfishness and hurt and blaming me for all his issues. Its been hard dealing with the fallout but I'm so much happier without him.
Narcissists can be friends too! I was in a 25 year friendship that was unhealthy from almost the beginning. I saw the behaviors, others would tell me the same but I felt trapped, and felt that I could help her somehow. When I set boundaries in place and realized that she was dead set to break through, I started researching, and realized the dangerous narc friend had to be removed from my life. She had enmeshed herself in my family, but we ALL were ready to break free. It was hard, because I don’t like to give up. But my stress from being in the friendship was so high, it could start affecting my health and sanity. The pathological lies that she can tell were so egregious and dangerous that i felt unsafe. Katie said it well. We can’t change others, we can only change our responses and behaviors. Nothing I could say or do could change her. Love that final quote “Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm!”.
"Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
The epitome of self-love.
fцику мцику I remember hearing this from the little shaman on YT. Excellent saying.
Tru story
That's was me
Side note, I really like your username how you mixed the English and Russian alphabet. I’m learning Russian right now.!
Hmm.... So there's another way to fix a problem than sacrificing oneself.
Being in a narcissist relationship was by far the hardest and most mind screwing thing I’ve been through.
SHIT I COULD NOT BELIEVE I HAD 2 FEMALE COVERTS.I WANT TO SEE THEM DEAD
I have a friend who is a narcissist, but he says he's a genius and a psychopath. I have shown his wife and son so they know it's neither of those things. I've been a true friend and won't flea when his behaviors show. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist please don't allow them to hold you down with sex. It's not affection they feel. It's power they are showing. I am loyal to this family because I see his wife loves him, and so does his son, but they don't know what to do. I fully understand what they are going through because I have an uncle who showed up at my high school to kill me because he was manipulated by my mom who is a narcissist herself and her brother has a disconnec in the world because he witnessed someone kill his dad when he was young. I know what this looks like and I have to say the only true way to get through this is true faith in GOD as his child so we can be raised right. If you have gone through this I know you found and increased in faith. Thanks for posting this truth because they aren't ok to be around love or attention that's not theirs or directed towards them. His son is 11 and already punched his narcissistic dad in the back of his head. Why? Because his dad got cats for him he never asked for, and then after showing he didn't want them his dad got a puppy that he never wanted. They argued that my friend got them for his son but in front of me said he wants them himself. They are not ok to be around if it's love you are after. They are not intelligent, or open minded they argue with truth. My friend relies on TH-cam videos from open sources to gather information and I've looked up his issues in medical journals. I was in the Army national guard and my wife at that time became narcissistic in her thinking. While I was in basic training on graduation day she brought a man to stay with her from the bus trip she took. While I waited on her the cab driver called the barracks and let my drill Sergeant know that she had company. We have a son, and when he was just 13 she told my son that I might not be his dad. I had to get a home pertenity test kit that was cheap in order to get a result to tell my son. The test was crsp and come to find out through the news that it was faulty. I know he is mine and so does he but that one narcissistic comment kept my son from me for 7 years. She didn't let him call me or even take my calls. I fully understand what you went through. Thank you that you posted this video, and the fact you are a woman and not a man talking about it hopefully let's other women know they can do something about it. Atta girl from wichita falls texas
Me too. I wish I knew this sooner in life.
@@keithfazio6519 to catch up on this. Last night my friend showed me he hit his son in the eye after his son was told to turn off his video game and clean his room. He said his son then jumped up and began throwing himself at his dad while scratching pulling at him and trying to bite him. I asked why, and my friend looked me in the eyes and said because he's psychopath like me. I asked him if his son was ever diagnosed and he said he diagnosed him. A psychopath can now we know they have less than average intelligence than the average person can intelligently look at a person and go I see what to do to help you. He got mad and said I'll prove to you I'm a genius psychopath, he pulled his phone out and said Google can a psychopath be a genius he then looked at me like listen to this while it said he had less than average intelligence. He quickly yelled no no that's not true. I then asked where did you get your diagnosis, because if they said you are a genius psychopath they literally said it because it pacified you long enough to treat you because of your narcissism. He threw a fit calling everything he looked up a liar. I told him from everyone I know which are 4 people and 2 are in my family that it isn't genetic it's actually put into you as a small child and you have to identify as a thing to make it seem like you are receiving love, but it's not love. It's still loathing that they are here and they weren't asked to be, so they continue to use this little form to do the things they wish they did, and making them the perfect emotionally energized tool that doesn't comprehend love and will listen to their handlers. Because they now have too much fear to ask for help and can fully operate under the guis of their narcissism that is really their parent or parents self hate and resentment. When he lady night realized he was lying and he could disprove it. He stopped preaching and had to listen. He still could not answer why his son did what he did. I told him because he isn't spending time with him and teaching him. He says he does. His son reads and rights at the 3rd grade level, and he's 12 homeschooled from the start and when he's old enough he's going to send him to high school so he gets to interact with others before he stars work. Well that's what I've been witnessing. So if you know someone in one of these relationships please let them read theses posts, and get them away as fast as you can so they and the psychopath can be ok.
Yep me too. Im just leaving mine Ive been feeling so pitiful and ive been trying to leave but she kept pulling back in with lies and manipulation. I've gotten fed up and I finally found the courage to move everything out. So when she comes home tomorrow she will be alone. Breakup? No.. 😂 I'm UP and she is BROKE.
Good luck to everyone in your healing process. Its doozy if in this situation
They can't let you go, but they can't treat you right either. Sometimes they doesn't even love you for real. They just know you're good person, and they would hate to see you loving another the way you loved them.
Exactly how I felt & knew that’s what it was underneath it all! & we have a child together. I’m bound to this individual for life 😮💨😔I was emotionally & mentally exhausted 🥱I fought alone for a one sided relationship for almost 7 years & the baby was my main reason i stayed & financial reasons. He went to jail & removed himself from my life temporarily!🥴😳He will be out next year & I’m afraid
True, so true. It was my story like that.
@@LaGranTerca hope you are doing well
This hit deep af my girl said this exactly to me word from word
They are the most manipulative people you’ll come across. They know what their doing, as long as they have you under their control, their happy. Move on people they’ll drag you down, destroy your life.
I've heard plenty of sobbing pleading crying out of narcissists but it's all for show. They do say I'm sorry they just don't mean it.
Yes some will, it's a spectrum, some folk have excessive traits, some full blown, they can use empathy as a tool kit and weapon without really feeling it as they can develop expert chameleon techniques
They do it. Do things to us and then tell us that it meant nothing
jelwell87 ehm I definitely acknowledge that I fucked up some things and I apologized. I did really mean it.
oh my god tell me about it. it’s always “i’m sorry” then some bullshit defense that completely validated all the things they just “apologized” for
is it a bad idea to send this video to a narcissist? lol
Just sending so much love and strength to anyone going through this. May you find inner peace and healing. It’s NOT your fault. ♥️🦋
Yes!! Agreed! xoxo
Kati Morton you are amazing, Kati!! ♥️
yes but people who are still friends with the narc are enablers and will just gather information on you tell the narc that uses it against you. so narc can be very abusive and helping their enablers while they are still in contact will surely be used against you. You must go no contact in certain situations including everyone around them. They are in on it.
Even 2 years after finally leaving my narcissistic boyfriend of 3 years; I am still working through the emotional damage that it left me.
The worst and hardest part about it, is he gaslighted me so much that even now, 2 years later I find myself wondering if I was the problem. And then I watch videos like this and as my therapist says “look for the proof” and I find that he put me through every single point brought up in this video.
I’m just glad to be away from him.
Thank you!
I call it crazy making. My daughter has been living with a narcissist for 5 years. As a mom, it is the most difficult thing to watch her detoriate, get happy and fall into dispair once again. When she talks to me, I decided to be as point blank as you and spell it out like it is. You can take the horse to the trough but you can't make them drink. All I watch is the cycle of abuse, and I told her so while I explained the cycle. "I'm going to wait until he gets better before I cut it off." I tell her, "No because everything will be fne then, you will have hope that things can change and you will stay." I like how you said, don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I will use it next times she opens up. I'm in agony and prayer for my child.
I was in a short relationship with a narcissist about a year ago, and I’m still healing from the trauma.
Me too..Be Strong💙
Its been 4 years. and only in the last year I can tell you 100% I wont ever get any sort of contact with that man ever again. takes time... but youll get there 😚😚
Same. Wish the best. It is hard recover.
It’s been almost 4 years and the trauma hasn’t healed....
Same here
I’ve found that they do sometimes apologize, however it’s always half assed or when they’ve back so far into a corner they literally cannot escape, all though they always play the victim
this is so true! Mine would apologize, half assed like u mentioned and then say well I did this bc of you when In reality I didn't even do anything. He was the worst relationship ive ever had. Im glad i found the strength to move on. Plus we were long distance so it wasn't that hard for me to do.
Narcissist Apology:
I'm sorry.....But.....
me ex would cry with me and wipe my tears and hold me. the second he wasn't physically there, he was like a robot and didn't care about my emotions at all. it was all for show.
Yes!! And nornally its thrown in there...well you did this or if you hadnt done then then I wouldnt have ______ fill in the blank 🙄
Mine would say the words “I’m sorry” (if he ever did “apologize”) as fast as possible while sounding uninterested and annoyed. He would also try to say that I’m actually the one who hurt him more and that I have to apologize for saying that I feel hurt by his words and crying ....
staying in a narcissistic romantic relationship is the most damaging thing i have ever experienced...my healing didnt even begin til i was able to identify what i was dealing with.
Janella Moala Langi their like little children you will find yourself constantly repeating same crap over and over. Which is draining as hell
Janella Moala Langi me too.
Same here
Couldn't of said it better myself, THANK YOU!! F**k, that bitch was crazy. How do I know? Cause a guy doesn't tell a beautiful girl "leave me alone" and walks away never to turn back. It emotionally and spiritually drains you.
How did you go through the healing? I just realized that the man I love is Narcissistic and it is difficult for me to leave BUT I have to.
I'm getting out of a 7 year relationship with someone that only just realised is a narcissist and this video made me burst into tears because I finally started to realise the extent to which I have been gaslit and manipulated. Thank you for making this in such a simple and compassionate format.
Well said, Kati! Narcissists are amazing love bombers and charmers. I notice that many of them pretend to be extremely empathic and understanding in the beginning of any relationship, too. What fascinates me is that, after a narcissist shows their true colors, their victims are often still gaslit, and still believe the narcissist is empathic, or somehow a good person who's just misunderstood. Nothing could be further from the truth.
If you recognize the symptoms of a narcissist in your life...Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit! I've seen narcissists hurt not only myself, but some of my closest friends. Its devastating.
Guiding Echoes not all narcissists are like that
I absolutely agree..that's exactly my experience too.
After dating and than mairrage, I thought maybe it was life circumstances at the time. Stress of school, parenthood, other things.
After ten years of it I realized it wasn’t going away. That was who she was and I had to accept ending the family because no matter what she always found a reason to be mad. And fighting daily and walking on egg shells was bad for them
And now she blames me for the divorce. Will say in front of my kids something I do is the reason we’re divorced. And it’s always a new thing.
They dint show who they rcus theirs big whole of emptiness in em they wish they weren't emoty but trauma killed all their hope and joy so now like a star is a black whole that died they wish tehy can feel but what u lack u kinda attack cus is lacking in u their not bad people depending cus gehris levels
I'm afraid for my safety as I'm currently in a relationship with a narcissist. When I break it off she threatens self harm or threatens to ruin my relationship with my family by making stuff up about me. She has destroyed my apartment in fits of rage on a couple of occasions. I have no choice but to call the police when this happens because I would never hurt a woman. I tried to restrain her once after she smashed the windows but she screamed out I was assaulting her so the neighbours could hear. Now I'm afraid to face them & I hide my face in shame. Because she used to work in law enforcement she can turn on a switch & knows exactly what to say to charm the officers once they arrive & lists the medication she's on as the reason. She has a son & I don't want her to lose him. She says that will be the case if I ever get a restraining order out against her. I'm so lost & dont know what to do.
After escaping a situation like this in the past, I’ve fallen into the clutches of one again and I’m financially stuck here right now. It’s killing me.
I can relate
Me too😢
In the beginning they make you feel like you’re the perfect person for them and they love you like nothing has ever loved you before. At the end, they do everything they can to destroy, devalue and degrade you. It’s like living in a haunted house. You never know what to expect but it will terrorize you to the point to where you feel like a shell of a person and then they discard you.
you are describing my lifr for 22 years
100% accurate
Wow, this hit me.
I feel like a shell of myself. It's heartbreaking and paralyzing.
OH MY…..THIS is IT right here.
As someone who was in a 9 year relationship with one, they do say sorry. But they only say sorry if they get something out of it. Not because they truly believe they were in the wrong. It also usually only comes after you apologize first. Thanks for the brief description of what it is like, hopefully people will understand how this is also a form of abuse and is not okay!
Another great quote in the topic: "You cannot change someone by loving them harder." It's not your fault. It's not your love that is not enough. You have to let it go to save yourself.
I know the feeling to never feep good enough and to keep on trying and to think if you respond different or have a different attitude more positive or lose weight or be a better housekeeper or mother etc it will be good enough and he will love me. None of it works no matter how hatd you try and no that now even though as I write this its hard to not hope for a brighter happier family with him even though it will never happen.
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 5 years. We lived together and every day felt like such a struggle. I was always wrong and imperfect to him. I wish that i could've seen something like this during that time period because it really described my relationship to a T. What rly helped me was going to therapy and talking about my trauma. It helped me get the courage the move out of the apartment we shared together and move forward with my life. Couldnt be more grateful to be in the position i am a little more than a year after breaking up with him. This video is gonna help a lot of ppl. Thank you :)
My ex-husband was a classic narcissist. He was a monster, but he wasn't always like that. He was sweet, romantic, very attentive, and I thought I knew him because we had gone to school together since we were in the first grade. He literally flipped a switch on our honeymoon, about the 2nd or 3rd day in. He just went off and started screaming and yelling at me because he got pulled over when he went out to get gas. Our marriage only lasted 18 months, and thankfully we didn't have children together. He gaslighted me constantly and was was verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive and I felt like I had to walk on egg shells in my own home.
He had a daughter from a previous relationship and she was the reason I stayed as long as I did. She was so sweet and I loved her to bits. One day, I realized that his daughter was watching all of this happening and I didn't want her to think that it was normal to be treated this way by someone you were in a relationship with. She was very young, but I sat down with her to explain that her dad and I were getting a divorce and she basically told me that Prince Eric wouldn't treat Ariel the way her dad was treating me. This beautiful little girl was trying to tell me I wasn't being treated how I should be and that it was ok to leave. That hit me like a ton of bricks.
The real kicker is that after he moved out of my apartment, he texted me to say that he thought that having sex with me one more time would help him get over the situation...Yeah, I don't think so!
My heart is breaking for the little girl who had to stay back with him. I'm so glad you are out. Being raised by a narcissist is hard to recover from.
Omg, that's exactly what my past partner did. He harassed for months after our break up because he was somehow convinced, in his own twisted way, that I owed him sex and he had to sleep with me once. It wasn't until I went cold turkey and cut him off completely by changing my number and blocking him from everywhere that the harassment stopped. It's been 2 years already, and one of my friends told me that he's still looking for a way to contact me.
That was tough
Birds of the same feather flock together.
Sarah Lynn he was always like that, he just kept it hidden until you were "trapped". It's part of the sick game of a narcissist.
I knew I wasnt crazy! Everyone was making me feel so crazy! I thought I was losing my sanity! This video made me feel like I was right, I'm not going crazy. Thank you!
Can you do a piece on how to deal with a parent who is a narcissist? Please!!
Of course!! I added it to my list :) xxoo
Can you also add a segment or completely different video about someone with narcissistic traits who is an adoptive parents if you haven't already done that.
YAS PLEASE!!!
@@Katimorton I have found the book by Pete Walker "Complex PTSD" to be immensely (and intensely) helpful. I'm working through it with my therapist and WOW. Good stuff. Thank you for having your channel and covering these hard topics with empathy.
Can you explain how both parents can be narcissistic?
i’m with a narcissist right now and it’s completely destroying me.. thank you so much for sharing this video. i feel less alone.. i need to leave before it gets worse
@@sare88 Take care of YOU! I’ve been broken up from my narc bf for 2 weeks. It’s been hard cause I’m missing the good things. But I don’t miss the trauma and catering to his whims, stories, and demands. I bought him clothes, gave him collectors stuff, oohed and aahed over everything he had done. Given him 200%. He gave me very little. Took out the trash and lifted heavy things for me, cooked once a week, and was good with laundry. At first I thought he was great, because it’s been more help than previous men, but he lacks feelings, empathy, and true honesty. He drinks and becomes childlike. He was only doing the things he would do at his place anyway. Not really for me. Duh!! He got the best end of the deal and I got very little. His jabs and covert stuff was nuts. His self perceived victimhood that only he is going thru. It was all about him. I’ve just had fun doing what I want, eating what I want, and cleaning up for myself. You need to clean break. But I took mine back probably 5 times over 2 years. Don’t go that way. Don’t waste time.
@@sare88 sorry. I just noticed your post was 3 years ago. I hope things are better now?
It’s really difficult to have a parent who is a narcissist, especially in Asian culture where filial piety is valued and can be conducive to condoning narcissistic behavior
I know how you feel i am almost 100% sure that my dad is suffering from narcissist personally disorder
Its hard to explain to people who didn't went threw narcissist abuse
Cindy Chang what’s filial piety?
@@NYMusic89563 (Not Asian person here) I think it's family loyalty. Putting the family first and believing your elders are right because they're older.
Wiki says: "filial piety (Chinese: 孝, xiào) is a virtue of respect for one's parents, elders, and ancestors...In more general terms, filial piety means to be good to one's parents; to take care of one's parents; to engage in good conduct not just towards parents but also outside the home so as to bring a good name to one's parents and ancestors; to show love, respect and support; display courtesy; to ensure male heirs, uphold fraternity among brothers; wisely advise one's parents, including dissuading them from moral unrighteousness; display sorrow for their sickness and death; to bury them and carry out sacrifices after their death.
"
So I was wrong with believing your elders are right, and I'll say that "wisely advising one's parents, including dissuading them from moral unrighteousness" kind of took me by surprise. I suppose it shouldn't because it does well to warn people you care about when they're about to or a are doing something that could hurt them.
I suppose (again as a Non-Asian Person) that Narcissist behavior stops the child from trying to look out for their parents which causes inner stress, and if they don't do as the Narcissist says or goes against their viewpoint can cause social stress.
(If I got anything wrong, please let me know!)
@@NYMusic89563 Honoring your parents (obedience).
Highly recommend the video Kati did on this subject: th-cam.com/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/w-d-xo.html
"You're imagining things. Look what you made me do. It's all your fault. You're crazy."
Then who cares about how I feel???
My mother is narcissistic
To all the daughters of narcissistic mothers you are the strongest women out there because nobody can understand you and little people can understand you have faith in your selfs you are strong and amazing
Amen to that! ❤️😉
Thank you for this 🌻
t-ara lovely thank you. One of the worst things is that the one person who is supposed to love you is your worst enemy, puts you down constantly and you just have to lie down and take the beating because we where just little kids and didn’t know better. A narcissistic mother doesn’t only break your heart, she breaks your spirit and crushes your wings before you even learn to fly.
so sons of narcissistic mothers dont exist?
I needed to hear this so much right now thank you 😢
I was married to a covert or vulnerable narcissist whose symptoms and mental health and substance abuse issues. Consumed him and my life. I left him after 7 years of wanting to get out because of 5 childrem and I Joe’s beyond measure he could return to who he was in the early years of our marriage. We lived together but separate for financial reasons and unfortunately I got into a 10:11 relationship and then had a 1much worse covert narcissist move in We worked together so I thought I knew him This was also during Covid when all of my natural resources were taken away from me. I was financially reliant as well. The relationship ended with me breaking up with him at work and him being arrested for chasing me with his car and not letting me leave work without threats. He was fired but I have been trauma bonded with him for several years. I do annoy think I am seeing how he really was. Thank you for putting videos out there like this.
If you're in a relationship with a narc please look up the terms grey rock, love bombing, flying monkeys, and gaslighting. It will save you time.
Thank you so much for sharing!! xoxo
Good counsel, there!
All tied up under the heading of "Narcissistic ABUSE", and ABUSE they do
!!
YOU'D DO WELL TO GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP AS SOON AS YOU CAN..... and understand that they will do their very best to worm their way back into your life ("HOOVERING").
DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT.
RUN‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT... BECAUSE IT MAY.
❤️
I think this is one of the most underrated messages in the replies segment .. Getting to know these terms will oly make u realise 'Ohhh shit..i can totally relate..Almost all of these has happened to me and I couldn't explain any of these things to anyone till I found names for those behaviors..''
Thanks for this, do you have a link by any chance for the grey rock, love bombing, flying monkeys, and gaslighting?
I've watched this video a lot of times... And it just feels better that someone understands. That i am not alone... Some one understands its hard to move on from such a person. ❤️
I literally went from living with a narcissist mother to dating narcissist girlfriends. Thank you for sharing this cause it helps me see these patterns in my relationships.
victorn619 u may find this video helpful! th-cam.com/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/w-d-xo.html
And I went from growing up with a narcissist father to having a narcissist boyfriend for 9 months. Childhood trauma really messes us up.
The same. I went from growing up with a narcissistic mother and narcissistic father. It took another 10 years of dating a narcissistic bf, for me to wake up.
victorn619
Well put and thanks for typing down a piece of your experience. If you’re raised to be patient with the BS you’ll be patient with it even in relationships and not even know that people you’ve welcomed into your life are corrupt and damaging, until you are educated in the personality traits of narcissism. Sounds like my story.
a narc doesnt know what real love is. she or he will readily leave you when they think you are no longer useful to them.
Spot on. I was married to and have 3 kids with someone with NPD and BPD. I bent over backwards a lot of those years, and I even did that 'wrong'. Thought I was crazy until I began to read, listen and learn about BPD and NPD. My efforts are now living my best life, setting and preserving boundaries, showing my kids an alternative way to live and to relate or engage with their dad. Thanks for putting this 'out there'!
Oh, I was in a scary relationship with a narcissist. She could charm the birds out of the trees...and then kill all the birds as slowly as possible.
OMG, yessss!
Thats what they do
Perfect description of a narcissist
No one could have put it better
Wow! Lmao
Narcissists often have difficulty acknowledging their own faults or weaknesses, and they may struggle to answer questions that challenge their sense of superiority or control. Here are some questions that a narcissist may find difficult to answer:
"Can you admit when you're wrong or when you've made a mistake?"
"How do you think your actions affect others?"
"Do you ever feel empathy or compassion for other people's feelings?"
"What do you think are your biggest weaknesses or areas for improvement?"
"How do you handle criticism or feedback from others?"
"Can you describe a time when you felt genuinely humble or vulnerable?"
"What do you think motivates your need for constant admiration and attention?"
"How do you define a healthy relationship, and do you think you have one?"
"What do you think about the concept of compromise in relationships?"
"Have you ever sought professional help or therapy for your behavior?"
It's important to note that narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum, and not all individuals with some narcissistic tendencies will exhibit the same behaviors or responses. It's also worth considering that engaging with a narcissist in a confrontational or accusatory manner may not always be productive, as they may react defensively or dismissively.
If you must know what’s going on, with a narcissistic cheating partner who is always glued to their phone and social media, then you should hire a professional Private investigator to get you remote access to the cellphone and socials. Suggested- Hackspyhub@gmail. Com. Gave me access to my cheating partner phone got all I needed. A true Lifesaver
My first love and serious relationship was with narcissist. I'm really empathetic person and I was ready to do anything for him and I did. I realized it only after talking with many of his EX partners what he was. It blows my mind that I still after all these years I see "good" dreams about him regularly 😑
kukkajukkanen I feel you, especially the dream part. It's like our minds are trying to find Order in Chaos, don't ever feel guilty over these dreams.
Same! Exactly the same! My first love, being sensitive and empathetic with all the love to give. Still having the occasional dream. They are cut from my life completely, but he had a good 4 years to mess with my head. I still have no idea what was true or false, real or fake. I had to move on and blocked him from ever being able to contact me in any fashion. Unless he went stalker on me.
Best decision I ever made.
My relationship just ended with one after 2.5 years. I’m seriously debating reaching out to one of his ex’s that I found on Facebook. I just want to speak to someone that also dated him and that can confirm that I’m not crazy. I also wanted to know if their relationship ended the same way as ours? She just got married apparently too. I pray that she broke the cycle and has a good man now.
He was my first too.
Omg same here! Like i also got To hear the real him from his ex(es). Tho he did reveal himself a little To me In the end when he left me. And the reason why he left me was because i wasn't perfect and my family wasn't perfect
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing.
My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’.
Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :)
Additionally I hired a private detective MetaspyClubLLC@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
I went through this with my soon to be ex-husband! The Love bombing, manipulation, gaslighting, emotional abuse, Financial abuse. Mostly every abuse you can think of.. I’m finally out of 8 years of being with him, I was able to escape him. It was extremelyyy hard, but im out and now have been away from him for 3 months! I filed for divorce and I’m ready to find myself all over again! Love your videos Kati, super deep and to the point.♥️
I hope your doing well! I experienced all of that except the financial abuse! It gets better stay strong
Everything plus physical abuse.
Narcissistic Father.
well... this hit hard. lol
What's that supposed to mean?
@@ProjectCreativityGuy96 What popped into my mind when I saw her comment was: Poor girl has just gotten confirmation that she loves someone Narcissistic and they won't change & now she has to decide whether she stays or goes
Fucking same
I’m here for the same reason :/
I know right for me also
I never would have expected that someone could summarize all the suffering and everything I had to go through in my last relationship in freaking 10 minutes. It's as if you installed a camera to watch and listen to everything happening between us and then you summarize it in 10 minutes like "that's all folks". I'm at loss of words
Narcs, the charming interrogators.
One of the most important things to remember whether or not you are a target, or within the direct circle of influence is to NEVER share information with a narcissist. That's when they begin to tangle you up in emotional abuse. In war, you would never hand info over to an enemy spy. All the same if you share your preferences, peeves, likes, dislikes, work details, responsibilities, vulnerabilities, abnormalities, yes even allergies -- You MUST understand they will create the situation to use it as a weapon against you.
All while playing helpless victim and brashly feigning innocence.
What can you do?
Change your demeanor and communication style. Be BORING. Their element is emotional manipulation. Your objective is to reduce the effectiveness of both. When they have inevitably cornered you into interro- um, conversation..
use these tips to survive;
1.) Be purposefully vague, or simply say "I've got to go, goodbye!"
2.) Direct them to another information source (chances are they wont even look into it)
3.) Strip any emotion or opinion from conversation
4.) Ramble inanely. Narrate making a pot of coffee that morning, or tell them about the gum you found on your shoe. It's probably mint. ...Or is it?
5.) Speak as fast as you can withouttakingabreath so they can't get a word in edgewise
6.) Use as many numbers and data points in conversation is as humanly possible.
7.) Ask them to do something for you (or with you if it's not their idea). Ideally it will be something requiring effort on their part "because it's a great opportunity".
They will run from responsibility like the plague.
For best the effect, use a combination of the above tips.
Do not be helpful. Ever.
Not only will it keep their innate do-nothingness from being exposed, but before you know it you'll be doing THEIR work! The cherry on top? Instead of a "thank you", you WILL be staunchly criticized in front of the (manipulated) audience of their choosing.
Is this good advice, but too late?
It's not too late to make your own decisions. Instead of taking the narc's lead, shore up your initiative and ready your resolution. Tell them what you intend to do and then do it. That's it. Stick to your guns. When they criticize or question your decision, just shrug and say the magic words:
"We'll see."
"Whatever happens I'm confident in my decision"
"I planned to ___. So right now I'm going to do that."
"I understand that you feel that way."
"My plans remain the same."
There you have it. Now you know how to disarm the narc, and defend yourself against some forms of narc manipulation.
Share what methods you've used to deal with the narcs in your life, below.
THIS!! This sums up pretty much everything I went through in relationships with narcissistic douchebags.. Thanks to them I have PTSD from seven years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse and I struggle to this day to trust anyone.. So thank you so much for making this video. It really helped to validate my experiences ❤️ - Evelyn
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that, but I am glad you found my channel and know that you are not alone. You now have an entire community to help listen and support you as you heal :) xoxo
When I pointed out my ex's gaslighting he claimed I was gaslighting him about him gaslighting me. No matter how much evidence I presented he always tried to make me feel like I was a horrible, abusive person. He even told me that it's why I was abused in the past.
Any time I brought up his lies or cheating he told me about something traumatic in his childhood, which was apparently why I wasn't allowed to talk about those things. My mom accused my dad of cheating when he wasn't, and therefore if you bring up my secret accounts, sexual conversations with girls from the area, and me constantly turning my location off and disappearing for half a day I will have a panic attack.
He also compared my childhood trauma to his ex girlfriend's and told me it didn't matter because she had it much worse. So glad I was able to leave within the first few months.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I really hope that you are healing and in a better place.
I experienced the same thing with my ex, I tried to say that he is possibly gaslighting me “without being aware of it” or “unintentionally” (just to try and tell him gently), and he would fire right back telling me that I am a horrible abuser and gaslighter. He also said it’s why I was abused in the past.
If I brought up his dishonesty or unfaithfulness he would tell me that I am taking out my past trauma on him and that I am “stuck in high school” and “need to grow up.” And if I were to ask any question, such as “Are you being honest with me?” Or even a basic “Where are you?” he would blow up. I was never “allowed” to ask questions of ANY sort.
He would tell me that I am “looking for the bad,” that “people have it much worse” than me so I should be “grateful,” and that he is “doing me a solid” by being with someone as negative as me.
I have this same experience with my partner, I told him he has been gaslighting me and he turned it around on me in the same way
Never let them know you're onto them and what they really are. It's just giving them more narcissistic fuel. Gray rock is the best thing you can do if you cannot get away.
Mine called me a "runner" when I left him or when I left the room while he screamed at me.
My dad did that more than once.
@@j.3722 Sounds like border line disorder. I think there might be some similarities..
You have the power to leave the room. You need to always realize you have the power to take any action. You can stay in a relationship but never lose the power to take action.
Heres my story with a narcissistic papa i live with im his granddaughter he called me names he told me i act like trump he called me bully and i called him the bullya nd he screamed for grandma as if he was screaming for his mommy He acted like hes the victim sometimes he acts creepy he said i might take off your clothes im only 12 years old i catched him looking at porn and talking about pedophilia im worried he might abuse a little girl or even me he uses Christianity as an excuse for everything im a Christian too and it annoys me you cant be a Christian and pedophile at the same time and a little girl lives next door i get worried whenever he talks to one uts because i have this feeling in my gut that hes gonna do something like r*pe or abuse
@ fluffywolf, pls you need to report to a trusted adult. Anyone who watches pornography and manifests pedophilia traits is not a Christian because Jesus christ in the bible didnt behave like that, pls do everything possible to protect yourself and the innocent children around you, always remember that Jesus loves you and will always stand by you.
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
Books about healing: mothers who can't love, disarming the narcissist, co dependent no more, don't you know who I am
thank you so much for sharing!! xoxo
I also find "The Narcissist in Your Life" by Julie Hall very helpful. :)
UHG! co dependent no more was huge for me :)
Thank you!
Don’t you know who I am 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 helped me tremendously
You speak so much truth here... I was in a three year relationship with one. Tried breaking up several times yet he was so creative and could talk his way back in. Once I finally could escape, had to completely cut him out. Block him from all social media, cut ties with his friends, asked my housemates not to let him in. Tell my work colleagues to tell him I’m not in if he comes to my work. It was difficult yet I’m so much better for it. Had to have over a year of therapy to unravel the web he put on my mind on those three years. I don’t like thinking back on it but it is nice to see videos like this to remind myself I’m not crazy like he loved telling me I was.
Ex husband was a narcissist. He was so charming! Swept me off my feet but he was demonic when he did not get what he wanted. He only charmed me to get what he wanted. Like move away from my family and run a business for him. If you think you are in a relationship with a narcissist. Run. They will destroy your life and never own it.
Laura Lawrence omg! I just got out of a relationship with a narc and he tried to do this to me too! We live in Maryland, and he kept trying to convince me to move with him to Colorado or Montana to help him start up his, “business.” Where of course I would’ve done all the work.
@@ashleysartattack5600 @Ashleysart Attack yes, they're golddiggers in a special way, in disguise, with making people around them work slaves. that's how entitled they are. and making their work slaves never see any money, controlling anything themselves and making sure you never get any praise for the started business, only them. and a patriarchal society supports this too. they're often complete misogynists. and society and many men never talk about how often men are real parasitic golddiggers. using others for money, stealing, deceiving, even with girlfriends much younger than them. they exploit the lack of experience young women have with such evil. I speak from experience, they also steal your biz ideas. and know many other cases where this happened, scamming young women out of their heard earned money with lies, from paying for laptops to "leasing" 2k or 10k which the women never get back, as well as all the other exploitation. loverboys and such pimp human traffickers - when I just hear the wrong stereotype that mainly women are golddigers just one more time... I'm gonna loose it. and since it's rarely talked about, young women can hardly be well prepared to see what happens until it's too late. just because of old clichees.
Oh god they are demons SMH I hate it I swear no one understands
Narcissists are controlling, manipulative, egotistical and are liars! They will try to prevent you from having friends, enjoying yourself, and finding peace. This is because narcissists are very insecure and they have no soul, so they will try everything in their power to destroy yours. If you even suspect these types of traits, get out before it's too late!
Your Relationship Coach TH-camr 💙
Both my father and brother are out and out narcissist !
I struggle with romantic relationships because of their negative input in my life .
I have had to distance myself from them , to be able to heal and grow , and I'm 46 years old .
It's not a joke , I can tell you that
Good job. My dad is a narccicist. He asks for money, if he doesn't get it, he starts threatening to kill himself.
Angelo Bertolani u may find this video helpful! th-cam.com/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/w-d-xo.html
My older brother gave me poor advice for women too at a crucial age
These type of people live in fairy tale land u cant help them
42 years.
Same both.
So effing accurate.
The examples you used are literally what I (and thousands of others) experienced.
Hi Katie,
This video came at the most perfect timing, as I just broke up with my boyfriend who my therapist believes has npd. In the beginning of our relationship it was a whirlwind and now I see that as “love bombing”. I was so head over heels so fast because he said he understood my anxiety disorders and things were perfect for months. His narcissism always came out during arguments, which were always ~my fault~ and he would always say “imagine how I feel, put yourself in MY shoes”. Every argument was based around his jealousy. He would continuously say he’d get help during our relationship of almost a year, but never did. Eventually he would start yelling and it would always take for me to start crying for him to realize how he was treating me, every-time. When I broke up with him he told me he hated me a million times and told me how he was gonna kill himself and it was MY fault. He talked about self harming and saying he was gonna go sleep with a bunch of girls because i’m “selfish”. a couple of days later he called to apologize and i mentioned the things he had said to me and told me i didn’t remember them right, those weren’t his ~exact~ words, even though i’m 99% sure I would never misinterpret hurtful things like that. Needless to say I had to block him on everything and I messaged his ex to see how things went with them, and interestingly enough it was the exact same thing.
Keep working with your therapist, it will get better. I'm sorry you had to go through it. I was with one for 3 years, amongst the lies and cheating, I felt horrible at the breakup when I couldn't take it anymore. I genuinely thought it would never get better, it was like getting off the most addicting drug, but 2 years later, I feel amazing. And it's all thanks to time, counseling, and trying my best to be kind to myself. Eventually, it all clicked :) and I know it will for you too someday!
I went through the same thing with my ex. Was constantly finding ways to put me down after we broke up and then saying I was imagining it or misunderstanding.
Ymi can relate. Mine threatens homocidal/psychotic tendencies if i were to ever leave. And we have children and are low income. So my choices are limited.
I am so happy for you to be finally free. I wish you peace and love and healing. 💜
Allison I hope you too find that strength & peace
Ya, "i am the one with the communication problems" . I am the one whose fault it is that he had secret affairs. And i never seen them coming. No idea.
Being in a relationship with narcissistic people be like "I love you, please don't leave me" but they put no effort to maintain and continuously care about themselves instead of the relationship. Based on my experience, they tend to neglect our needs and emotions and we have to be the ones who struggle A LOT. I would say its more than just being traumatized, its pretty much daunting being in relationship with these people.
I love how you pointed out that if a narcissist notices his/her NPD themself and go seek help they can make things work through therapy - even though it is rare. That small piece is missing in most videos I've seen on this topic and makes me sad as it puts an entire group of people down. You were very discerning in that and I appreciate it!
Out of most of the videos ive seen this one hit home the most to what I've experienced
This video was extremely helpful. I just recently got out of a 7 year relationship with someone who was a narcissist. He made me feel like everything was my fault and that I’m the crazy one. He was mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually abusive. I’m still trying to process all of the trauma and hurt. and he tells me constantly about all of the things he did for me like I owe him things.
That's manipulation 101
I just got out of a relationship with a narcissist and it sounds like you're describing my ex with a lot of precision. The super strong selfishness, the controlling, the manipulation, the being right all the time, the verbal abuse and physical abuse, the trying to destroy your self-esteem everyday. I have a lot of traumas from this experience and I'm still trying to get through them, especially because I am a very caring and giving person. The emotional abuse leaves a mark on you for a very very long time. Hard to trust people after this experience
Thank you so much for this video Kati. I will be passing it along to a friend of mine who has been in this kind of a relationship for YEARS! She watches your videos when I tell her that she can directly benefit from them. This video spoke volumes to me and it will speak to her as well. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Of course!! I hope it's helpful for her!! xoxo
Oh! I like that saying! "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm! "
Great video.
I would love to see a follow up video of how to move forward in finding relationships after being in a narcissistic one....I cannot ever see myself being totally comfortable and trusting with anyone ever again!
The problem is that narcissism is a cult of feelgood and irresponsibility. The reason people are attracted to them is that this thinking is contagious. The reason why they are abusive is that sometimes things malfunction and the responsibility must be pushed onto someone else. When the danger is over, the shared feelgood and irresponsibility continues. What people fear in narcissists are their crises, because then they will push guilt and shame like a grenade. And why people find hard to find healthy relationships is because the irresponsibility is addictive. Narcissists use other people as drugs while being their drug at the same time.
This hit hard.. ‘you are a terrible person, you are seeing things, you are lazy, why didn’t you do that thing’.. when literally all you’ve done is done is try and cater to them and neglect your body, mind and dreams. Eventually you are so worn down you have zero self confidence left.
I had to cut off my own dad because he's a narcissist. I have never regretted it. Not even once. I regret not having a normal dad, someone I could call Dad. But I do not regret cutting him out of my life. He doesn't behave like a human being.
I hear your pain and understand how it is. I can say the same of my father, unfortunately. He is not able to express compassion or uninterested love, he does not seem human to me. I chose to let him outside my life too. But I am living a happier and more stable life :)
I feel you. I miss having a mother, but I don't miss my bio mom. She has too many narcissistic tendencies :/
I did the same with my mother. It's so tough, but worth it.
theedgeofoblivious u may find this video helpful! th-cam.com/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/w-d-xo.html
I am proud of you! Maybe I can do it one day too
All of this is accurate to what I had to go through. I used to be in a relationship with someone with NPD... It was terrible. We got engaged and apparently it was actually fake. He blamed me for everything or gaslighted me into blaming myself and I built up an unhealthy habit of it. He would love me and give me so much attention and call our love "transcendent", and then he would have this sudden switch moment and then blame me for making our relationship "not 'transcendent' enough". And emotional blackmail came into play as well... My mental health crashed within a few months. He refused to get help, I was the one who decided to get help for myself with mental health professionals. It has taken me over 2 years to recover from that relationship, but I'm a lot better now in my new life without him.
Hey Katie, I just wanna thank you for hour videos. They helped me realize that i may have depression and seek help. I also had suicidal thoughts and spent three weeks in a mental hospital. Your videos helped me a lot during recovery:) So thank you for creating such helpful content. Have a great day!
Edit: sorry for possible mistakes, i'm not from english speaking country
a So glad ur in a better place now! ❤️
I am so glad you found my channel and it's been helpful for you!! yay!! xoxo
@@Katimorton hey Kati I've been struggling with being in a relationship with narcissists which are some of my family members, some of their friends, and some people outside like school teachers and I'm always getting judged about my wrongdoings, getting blamed for a lot of things, having to be projected, having to be characterized with negative traits I don't pocess, they been picking two of my cousins over me saying they are better than I am than make up excuses to my face about it, and they also tell my cousin that he/she is their favorite like "for real?!" No one's not supposed to have a favorite family member
The last part hit hard for me. When you said that you believe in communicating before ending a relationship. I’ve expressed so many things my husband has done that made me feel small and watched him put me down and compare me to his twin sister and in reverse put her down and make me look better making her feel bad. He doesn’t listen to my needs and I’ve tried for years to talk to him. He changes for a little while then goes back. That was such a helpful thing to hear. I appreciate you making these videos.
I dated an addict/narcissist and one of the BIGGEST manipulation moments he ever did was tell me, “I love you so much I don’t care about your past- no one else would want you because you slept with so many people, but I don’t care because I love you.” I mean just wow. Trying to make it sound like he loved me some crazy amount to overlook such a “shameful” quality.
Yo. I thought I was a narcissist because I grew up in an extremely toxic household and was acting out my toxic shame to cope. What the fuck is that though? Do not deal with that in any form.
I can’t believe I lived through this for so many years. glad to be out of it but three years later still dealing with the trauma of years of manipulation.
I just found out my sister is a narcissist like two days ago, and I haven't been able to sleep without nightmares. The timing of the topic of this video is spot on. Thanks Kati!!!
I have other videos with more info about NPD, but I hope this video was helpful too. xoxo
Same with me, it was also my sister who made me seek out the answer to "what's wrong with me," only to find out that all along, the answer was "there's something wrong with THEM." Then I saw the movie Bird Box and it all just clicked-that movie is a metaphor for conditions like narcissism and the devastation they cause to the people around them. It especially hit me hard when Sandra Bullock's sister "saw" whatever that thing outside was, said "mom" (who was probably a narcissist based from context clues), and proceeded to kill herself. Finding out for the first time that you'd been blind your whole life feels like that. I had been hurt again and again because I kept expecting to be loved and shown love but people like this have zero intention to do so. Now I just manage my expectations, I've cut off other people like her from my life, and I've stopped investing emotionally in those I can't get away from. Sad reality, but galvanizing. I feel like I've become the person I was always meant to be, which had been suppressed before by the people who raised me.
Charlie Hunt that isn’t true. Having NPD doesn’t make you a bad person
You don’t have to fear her. Shame on you. Learn about NPD. Don’t believe everything people tell you
Been married to a narcissist for 40 odd years, She only abuses me, you say just leave but she said “ if you leave I’ll make sure your never see grandchildren again” she does all there ironing, cleaning, I’ve had stroke because she drove me to drink which coursed the stroke. I’m between rock and hard place. The kids now adults when I said “I should have left your mum but I stayed for you kids my daughters reply was “ you should have left dad” wasted 40 years of my life. After She’s had I call them “ turns” she will say “ I Apologise” but in real Stern tone.
So accurate! Thanks so much for posting this Kati! I’m still recovering from being in an on-again-off-again relationship with a narcissist. It was so toxic but as you said, they’re so charming. I’m an intelligent person, yet I was definitely manipulated and drained. Heartbroken time and time again by the same person. I’m glad we’re finally over & have cut contact.
Justine Giles
Same here, they target the strongest people and chip them away until you can’t remember who you are. You are left asking yourself how you allowed someone to wee in your hand and make you believe it is holy water .
Feels like we’re dealing with the same man 😢
Please, do not fool yourself. The narcissist offers something not dishonestly but something that is dishonest in itself. The lack of personal responsibility is literally the thing that their victims find charming, welcoming and empowering, also too good to be true.
This help so much. This give me strength to get out of my physical, mental, and narcissist relationship and trying to stay out!
Kati your videos are always one of the best parts of my week!! 💝 I used to have a narcissistic best friend, and letting go of her was the best thing I could’ve done for me! The friendship became super draining, even though I did my best to make it work
Thank you for sharing your insight and experience. I am so glad you are enjoying the videos!! xoxo
Kati Morton You are absolutely welcome!! Thanks so much, I truly am grateful for your channel and wonderful content. :)
True true true. At first I thought it is just the lack of communication. Each conversation lead to questions from my partner like "Looks like I am the problem", or "Let's have a break and see if we wanna be together" or "I did this only once and I didn't mean it anyway".
2 years with an alcoholic junkie (said he was in recovery for the first 6 months) and I think he ticked every single quality in this video.
Totally agree with the advice given here - get out as soon as you can!! They won't change. As soon as you leave, they'll move onto someone else. Do what's best for YOU and move on.
I am so sorry you had to go through that.. but I am glad you are free of that now. xxoxo
@@Katimorton oh my god, thank you for replying. I hope if anyone is in the same position that they'll see this video and have the courage to leave :) your videos are amazing xx
Kiz Nibbs dude, it's people like you who continue to hate us that make me not want to change.
@@notfunny1410 did you not read the part where it says 2 YEARS? I went to AddAction appointments, hospital admissions and benefits assessments with him. I gave him somewhere to live when he lost his house because he couldn't get it together to pay rent. I mediated with his landlord so he didn't get taken to court over it. I made sure he ate every day, cleaned up his cuts when he got into fights and injured himself when he was out of it. I tried to calm him when the anger took over, I listened to him when he was low and I held him and I FUCKING LOVED HIM. I told him that. I told him as long as he wanted to get clean, I'd be there for him.
Do you know what I got back? I got gaslighted, lied to, stolen from (money, things I'd saved up to buy, personal stuff), holes punched in my walls, cupboard doors torn off, police at my door at 2am, friends who wouldn't come round any more, people avoiding me in the street because of him. I took it all, I found ways to cope so I could still support him, because I always believed he could get clean if I did more to help. It turns out, there was nothing I could do.
Nothing I had done had helped at all, he was drinking more than when we met and using anything he could find. He cheated twice (that I know of), and yet when I wanted to go for a weekend away with a group of friends, one of whom was male, he screamed in my face that he couldn't trust me around other guys. I don't know if I could have done more or done anything better, but I know I only ever tried to fucking help.
Good luck on your journey. It's got nothing to do with other people and everything to do with YOU.
Not Funny Don’t let someone’s comment stop you from wanting to change. Im a recovered alcoholic “junkie” who celebrated 5 years sober this year. It is sad that a therapist would “like” someones comment referring to people struggling with the disease that way, but I try to have compassion for what they went through. Active alcoholism/addiction can look a lot like narcissistic personality disorder. It doesn’t always, but we usually come in with some of these character defects. If we devote ourselves to it, we can change, but it takes a lot of humbling work. It also took time for me.
This is an excellent video! you hit the nail right on its rigid, self centered, arrogant little narcissistic head!
This is my most recent ex boyfriend. We broke up for the billionth time yesterday. I like what you have to say about how it’s very difficult to leave, but you just gotta do it because they simply will not change. You cannot make them. Even though I have no bigger burning obsessive desire than to force this mo fo to change his ways, aside from turning completely evil myself and torturing him in a basement dungeon somewhere in order to brainwash the narcissist behavior away, I need to accept the fact that I cannot force him to change... 🤷🏼♀️
He can only change if he wants to, and he definitely doesn’t. In his words “I have nothing to change, I’m normal. You’re the dumb one sarah who needs to be fixed, and I’m gonna fix you!” Yikes 😳 omg he makes me so angry 😤 the most controlling person I have ever met in my life! And the least accountable. These kinds of videos will help me from going back (I hope) 🙏🏻during his next Hoover attempt.
Yeah, that's how we end up when we dealing with this kind, we end up being evil, to just cope and fight back all of their bad abuse and manner....
Love the production quality!
Thanks!! xoxo
the last three minutes of the video was the most profound truth/advise. Regardless if another person has NPD or not or whatever traumas or insecurities they have, you only have control on yourself, your choices, and your happiness. Everybody else has a choice what to do and chose to be.
Long time Kati! Excellent video especially when the narcissistic person is in denial!
Hi Sandra :) I am so glad you liked it! xoxo
Sandra Nelli yes!
@@Katimorton hey Kati I'm still going through the same thing
Great video. They will sell you a dream to deliver you a living nightmare, and they can be extremely dangerous. Most people walk away from a narcissistic relationship with nothing, there's always a way back up, and always a way to find a SAFE way out. They idolise, to devalue to intermittent idolise, to devalue, to discard to hoover. Abuse is abuse no excuses. You deserve better.
Best example of future faking I experienced: "When I feel safe with you, I'll share info about my mental health/life". After over a year and a half, it never happened. I had to discover, and put the pieces of the puzzle together of my ex's BPD/covert NPD completely on my own. If you've decided to be exclusive with someone and they withhold information about their mental health *that can affect your wellbeing* (I ended up with CPTSD) either walk away or be realistic about why they're not sharing essential info about themselves, e.g, don't get attached, establish and maintain boundaries, know what your dealbreakers are, etc.
Thank you for this video. I recently discovered what a narcissist was by watching video like this on youtube. I was shocked and couldn't believe what i was hearing. I stumble back down the rabbit hole and have to remind myself to get out. I find that watching these informative videos helps me keep on track of the end goal. To end my 10yr relationship.
I recently told a friend. I have turned on the lights and I can now see!
I thought I had found the love of my life and deep down I know he loved me to the moon and back but anytime ai tried to discuss the relationship issues I was met with silent treatment and the only chat I would ever get back was 'I don't know what you want me to say' or 'ok'. I tried tirelessly to ask him what he wanted in the relationship, what his needs, dreams, goals were but he never opened up. I always tried using 'I' statements to find out why he was withdrawing. Only after I broke up with him he told me what was wrong and then refused to let us work on it and get back together and he literally discarded me. Today I finally lost my shit and became someone I am not and turnt nasty towards him and I feel awful but he has literally drove me to insanity. That's no excuse for my behaviour and I will always regret it but I feel so lost and so broken right now. The grief I am processing is unreal.
Hayley - your description is like reading my own story! It's really hard not to lose your cool. I know it's really hard not to beat yourself up about it because you feel guilty but that is exactly what he has conditioned you to do. Remember Kati's words - you can only change yourself! Cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to grieve for what might have been but also know that you're taking care of yourself by not tolerating the emotional abuse. Be kind to yourself and please find people who can support you on your journey. Much strength!
I am in the same situation right now holy shit
You have one of the most informative videos on their behaviors, its perfect. I can't wait for my next appointment with my amazing therapist who taught me some techniques how to deal with my wife...
She threatened me several times of destroying me, taking everything away from me (its half hers anyway), and in the past told me: "she would have killed herself if she had not me". I was in such a bad shape then, i believed i could only get her as a partner..........
Now i've been going to new therapist (left the previous therapy, had not figure out her behavior yet sadly), she tells me i'm becoming someone else........
Kati, you are a beautiful soul and I’m so grateful for you
Awe thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a kind comment. I am so thankful for you :) xoxo
Its been almost 5 years ive been with him. This is to a T how my life has been and i am DONE with it all. Been thinking about moving to my sisters across the country. Its been a really tiring 5 years. Obviously looked up this video at 8 in the morning to remind myself im not the crazy one. Thank you for sharing and once again putting my mind in perspective or what i need to do.
Omg it is so hard and depressing dealing with people like this ! It’s very sad !
This is a great video for anyone who is not married but if you marry the narcissist, you’re F$& and it’s true, they won’t go see Kelly but I’m finding figuring out to do a narcissist 11 years hopefully most people can do better than that
That hit pretty hard, although I started realising that my partner might be like this couple of months ago! I was working so much before the quarantine, so I thought he is just upset I’m not spending more time with him. He was always complaining that all I do is work and I never heard one word of appreciation from him. Then slowly, he began manipulating me to the point I started believing that all my friends were calling me just because they need something from me, and not because of who I am... now I see it was all a master plan to be his broken doll fulfilling all wishes... with no friends... it’s always been a problem for him if I go out with a friend... so I stopped, because the drama was too much. Even today after 2 months sitting at home with him, it became great problem that I wanted to see a friend in the park for 1 hour. He gave me the usual look and asked me the same question 3 times “are you going to be with just her or she is with more friends” “what the hell will you do with her when you know she is not a real friend of yours?” And so much more... he has made me look crazy, putting words in my mouth that I didn’t say, treats me horrible in front of his friends, it’s like I don’t exist. No matter what I say or do, he always knows best... and I’m the unworthy plebe that knows nothing...
Very well done Kati. My experience has been that I forgot, or unlearned, that I have a the right to exist, the right to protect myself and the right to live free of someone else's struggles. Period. I lost too much time trying to justify other people's bad behaviour towards me...hard childhood, hard job, hard whatever. No more. It's about my experience now. If I'm feeling invalidated I say so. If its dismissed then I do what needs to be done to take care of myself. I will no longer set myself on fire to keep someone else warm. Thank you for all that you do 👍
when you said the thing about not reminding them of their appointments.. my jaw dropped! I was dating a narc for 8 years... and I never realized that would be a trait!!! thanks for this video
Still watching the video. But. The core of narcissism is the rejection of personal responsibility. So when you remind them of something, they feel like you were pushing responsibility onto them. Pushing responsibility onto others is what they do most of the time. Also, when they remind you of your responsibilities, they don't want to inform you but to get a reaction out of you as a sign that they've succeeded.
You are absolutely correct. Narcissistic relationships also exist between relatives examples: toxic mother-daughter relationships. Thank you for the video. It truly opened my eyes and helped me reflect on past relationships. Thank you, thank you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Was I too harsh?" Lol Kati...for someone who was subjected to this kind of person from the age of 11 to 23...you weren't nearly harsh enough. But I thank you for this video. It really made me feel I wasn't crazy, that I was manipulated and I shouldn't be too hard on myself.
Best description I've heard from a professional. Thank you for posting this. This is a disgusting way of life. 💜
Sitting here listening to this is making me think of my ex. The way he showered me with affection only to become cold and angry when I did something that didn't make him happy. How he'd blame all his problems on others whilst doing nothing to rectify the situation. How he threatened to hurt himself if I didn't do what he wanted. I'm just now seeing it and realising how damaging he was for me.
I just came across this video because I was told I am dating a narcissistic guy and it has been really hard with him this because I found out he was cheating on me and his excuse was that I didn’t give him the attention he needs and that he supposedly he has told me what he needs from me but in a mean and emotionally abusing way and also blaming me for how he feels which not happy with me and himself. we have baby together and makes more hard for me because he tells me he is sorry and that he wants to change but for to see someone change is by actions not words or promises and he hasn’t showed me what I want from him. All he does is leave for the whole day and tells me he has been having anxiety so that’s why he is not home to be with our baby and me. His excuse to also to be away from all day is because he doesn’t want to abuse me emotionally and verbally like he how he always does when he gets mad. Watching this video now has me thinking more about what I should do to either stay or just definitely end this relationship. When I actually do say I am done with the relationship he manipulates me and makes think he wants to continue being with me but in reality his actions are way different from he supposedly wants with me.
It's hard but you have to lead by example for that beautiful baby. He won't change and even if by some miracle he works on himself you'll always have the emotional scars of what he's done to you.
7:30 is what I told my therapist when we first met. "I realize that I can not control others, so I need you to help me develop tools to ....." She was really happy that I realized I can't control others.
"NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, The word it self says I'M POSSIBLE". I think you were a little harsh when you said that one thing. Everything else describes it perfectly. You do an amazing job! Thank you
you forgot to tell how you recover from a relationship with a narcissist
Learning how to set boundaries is vital. It gets them to leave us alone as we are undesirable. No contact if possible, else learning to grey rock till contact can be severed. Breaking isolation and reaching out for therapy or spiritual help. A good dose of self love. It's a slow process and different for each person. There will be a bit of back and forth, no healing is linear. The idea is break the trauma bond, handle any cognitive dissonance, address what makes us accept being treated that way, unlearn any patterns that accept toxic people into our lives. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, I can't say it enough. Important to advocate for ourselves and find our voice after losing ourselves in relationships with them.
Probably worth an entire video on that topic, tbh!
Lots and lots of talk therapy. And being kind to yourself.
Thank you for this video. You hit every nail on the head. I've been dealing with 1 for the past 4 yrs & unfortunately I have nowhere to go. It's at the point where my safety & health are being jeopardized but I don't have any options at this time because I'm disabled. Thanks to this video, I have a ray of hope that maybe 1 day I can make it out. In the meantime he's gone overboard to hurt me & make my life miserable. Hindsight is 20/20
I dealt with so many narcisists over the years that I have a feeling that everyone is narcistic or can be at points.
yoooyoyooo definitely. Human nature...
It’s this culture
Narcissism is an escape from personal responsibility. It is addictive and their behavior tends to attract and convert people for this very reason. It works like a drug and recovery means willingly taking responsibility when it would feel so good not to.
You're so right! Most of them think they're superficial people. I lived in a family of complete narcissists. It was horrible. All of them thought only about themselves. At one point of my life I decided that that my family is my fault. So I started thinking that I could change it by serving them. And in parallel I tried to build my own life. I made them relaxed, I did stuff, I solved my own problems. I tried to fix disfunctional relationships between them. They all cared about themselves. It just didn't happen. Words, support, money, doing stuff for them never got valued. I tried all the time to build my own life. But in time they just got abusive, physically abusive. Everything they wanted is that I served them. They never appreciated what I did. They all said I did nothing. They never cared about my feelings. They thought my feelings are something stupid. Because they lack empathy and they don't feel it. Some of them are really dangerous. I do agree that it just impossible to prove something to them. And if you try to fight back they may commit a crime. Be aware!
ONE MONTH WITHOUT THE NARCISSIST!!! Sorry, Im yelling it from the rooftops these days, Im so happy. Ive totally bounced back, feeling great. Ive accepted my ex is a lost cause, I think thats helped a great deal. Accepted there is no closure, Ive created my own.
I needed to hear this thank you. I was feeling this exact feeling few weeks back when was broken up with narcissist, then he came back and him back and now I’m back to square one unable to let him go, especially when he tells me he will treat next girl differently, I trauma bonded but when I watch these videos it’s helping.
Selena Jet it took me 12 times to leave the narc- seriously. 12 times! Each time he wouldn’t accept it or we would break up and get back together and I instantly regretted it. It’s a horrible loop to break. Stay strong. You know what to do.
Not saying it’s easy, by any stretch, it’s so hard. I’m sad at times but it’s easier everyday. Not sure who I loved, he was someone entirely different at the end of it. Ps. I heard the “treat a girl differently” speech too, I doubt my ex will. He can’t. He’s incapable of it. They all are.
This is so spot on. I lived this sort of abuse for 12 years and I feel sooo free that I left. However I am dealing with the MOST acrimonious divorce dragging on for Nearly 3 years now. The intimidation and abuse still carry on but leaving was the best thing I ever did in my life!!
There is NO hope of change they will NOT change just leave don’t waste your lives on these people!!
thank you for posting this when you did. I just ended my 20-year relationship with my narcissist father after 20 years of abuse and selfishness and hurt and blaming me for all his issues. Its been hard dealing with the fallout but I'm so much happier without him.
Zildjian 65 th-cam.com/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/w-d-xo.html
Narcissists can be friends too! I was in a 25 year friendship that was unhealthy from almost the beginning. I saw the behaviors, others would tell me the same but I felt trapped, and felt that I could help her somehow. When I set boundaries in place and realized that she was dead set to break through, I started researching, and realized the dangerous narc friend had to be removed from my life. She had enmeshed herself in my family, but we ALL were ready to break free. It was hard, because I don’t like to give up. But my stress from being in the friendship was so high, it could start affecting my health and sanity. The pathological lies that she can tell were so egregious and dangerous that i felt unsafe. Katie said it well. We can’t change others, we can only change our responses and behaviors. Nothing I could say or do could change her. Love that final quote “Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm!”.