I have cried trying to get my brain to do things and it refuses. Then, people call you lazy, miss deadlines, etc. Not ti trigger people but its made me want to disappear from the Unuverse! I'm releaved to know it isnt "Just me", I'm not alone. People think we are making excuses and that just makes all the inward focused attacks "Why can't you just start, whats wrong with you"..A am happy to know we can get over the inertia!! Basically you said, we should prioritize an interest first, then, we get a boost of motivation molecules and our brain can finally say "Ok, let's get going!" Seems like solid advice!
😁 Recognizing what's going on in my brain has been so helpful. Now to work with it! I'll keep sharing my discoveries as I learn and/or figure things out.
I cried, too. It's such a revelation that I could work with my brain like this. After a lifetime of fighting it, the simple insights you share here are so profound. It triggered grief about the kind of parenting I needed and never got. Thank you so much 🙏🏼💖
The more i learn about PDA, the more I think it's a lot of the reason I cant get anything done. As soon as I write down a list or decide on a schedule for cleaning/care tasks, my brain says "nope." I'm also dealing with chronic fatigue and it's all extremely frustrating.
I totally feel You... it's weird & frustrating, but it really does seem to fit.. But I still struggle with accepting if this is real or just a made up thing for another "excuse"... It's like can I really allow myself to accept this as a reason why I don't do anything I'm supposed to do??? And then, it seems more real when it also involves all the things I actually really really want to do... But I still struggle with accepting this as an excuse and being able to give myself full compassion.. 💔❤️
you are the first person who explained what I‘ve been struggling with since school. I’ve been trying to find out what was wrong with me for like 35 years. and had no luck. found answers like two years ago in Human Design. And now finally the autism diagnosis which adds another layer to me. Homework, brain js excited, body says no. it was so frustrating. it had me so afraid what if that would happen at work 😳 and of course it did happen. it’s so stressful when someone demands something from me just can’t give when they want it. and I decided I won’t stress myself with this anymore. if I‘m blocked I accept it as is and my life became so much easier and more relaxed 😌 when I focus on an exciting topic I never get these blockages. so for month I dug deep into Human Design, until my curiosity was satisfied. now I barely look into it, I know all I want for now. so yeah, navigating a world that doesn’t understand this is hard. like „why don’t you just do it“ because for the life of me I can’t. and I‘m done stressing me out for a world that just isn’t mine. and following a path without resistance makes a life with lots of interesting stories to tell too 😂 and also: love grey hair too! but I barely have a gray hair here and there. mine is dark brown. I‘m so looking forward to being all grey at some point hopefully!
Yes, PDA profile is one of the main reasons I've never been successful working. I can't function under someone else's schedule especially. It's also frustrating because I often need direction but if it's given to me, brain says no.
needed this video. To find someone so much like me, mind blown. BTW, speaking of special interest and wanting to help and wanting to connect with others: Mine is biology & I work as an anatomy & physiology instructor (as a teacher, was JrHS/HS educator, now I work for a college) and as I've been discovering myself in the last year or so,but would LOVE to speak to you or any of you to describe/teach understand WHAT and WHY is happening physiologically during meltdowns. Oh, I also have a mess ton of autoimmunities, so those are also my 'special interests' and follows under the umbrella of biology. Anyhoo, would LOVE to talk & share with others so they can stop hating themselves, and learn to love. Love you all, and you make me feel SEEN which is first times in 52 yrs. My gratitude cannot be described, but I think you all understand.
I found a TH-cam video on the autistic burnout roller coaster that I found relatable. (I am self identified as autistic, but diagnosed as ADHD and it could apply to either construct, I think.) I don't know if autistic burnout is recognized by the professionals. Biology could be a special interest of mine, but I have always throttled it for the most part. I was heavily pushed into engineering and later moved into math when engineering seemed out of reach. I have developed psoriasis in the last few years, but it is not clear to me if it is considered auto-immune. I did take microbiology and a condensed organic chemistry class just for fun because I am weird that way. I never made the commitment to take an A and P sequence. Hmmm, perhaps I should look into that! Think I will see if I can find some journal articles on autistic burnout. Oops! I see that you are interested in meltdowns, not burnout. My bad! I have always considered my meltdowns as being part of the fight, flight, freeze, fawn response. Mine typically occur when I feel physically trapped in a confrontation. I disassociate. It is debatable whether mine are a trauma response or a meltdown.
3:43 this, oh my god. it’s exactly this, the reason i felt so different from other autistic people even after knowing that i’m autistic (self diagnosed) i still felt so out of touch with the community, other autistic people pursue their special interests and find joy and comfort in it, they do their special interest (if it was a hobby, or if it’s a game they play it constantly and maybe buy merch and things related to it) but i was never able to do that, i felt like i’m faking it?? but i knew that i couldn’t be allistic there is just no way. my problem is exactly as you described, i KNOW i want to do something that will feel special to me, i know that i want this special interest to be SPECIAL (?) and to take me if that describes it well 😂 but the whole time i just couldn’t, even if i REALLY wanted to watch and hyperfixate on a show or on a game, my brain says no because i made it a demand, my body rejects it in all ways possible even if i felt like i needed it. i just can’t. and it’s so damn hard to ‘just get over it’ or just force myself to DO whatever my body rejects. that’s why i feel like i have no “real”?special interest, i can’t get in deep in whatever interest i have, i can’t let myself enjoy things. and the same thing happens to work, to daily habits, to literally EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE!!! i realized a few months ago that i spent my whole life disassociating because i can’t have my needs met, no needs from any side of my life, and the more i try to be more mindful the more i realize how bad this pathological demand avoidance is really affecting my life, it feels like it’s the core problem, the main branch that all my life problems are caused by, that and my executive dysfunction in general, and i don’t know what to feel about this, i just feel at loss to be honest, yes it is validating to hear that this is a real problem and not something i made up in my mind, but the validation soon turns into anxiety because at the end of the day, i still have a life to live, and things that i need to do, i just feel at loss. (now that my rant is over, please ignore any grammatical errors because i’m not used to type long sentences😅 english isn’t my first language)
Omg this is so relatable I had no idea what I was feeling was pda. Just realizing that helps so much with being less annoyed and frustrated with myself because now I at least understand why I am like this. Thank you
Very interesting coping mechanism! I’m 42, diagnosed at 30. I have lots of greys and I love them, but we moved to a house with its own well, the water is full of iron and minerals that makes my greys orange!!! I really identify with a lot of what you are saying and I look forward to watching more of your content!
Oh that would be frustrating to me to have my Greys turn orange. When I was a kid my blonde would turn green from chlorine in the summer pools and that was always frustrating to deal with.
This is so true! My brain often says no. It’s so frustrating, especially when a special interest is nowhere in sight. I’ve sadly just lost my special interest, and I don’t know what to do. It sucks! Thank you for making videos like this! Makes me (and most likely many others) feel less alone and weird 😊
I just subscribed and I’m absolutely obsessed and want to binge watch to understand my 19 yo son… I’m pretty sure you nailed it! I want to hear from those who are living your life rather than doctors who have to deal with putting people in a box
Thank you for your support and listening to actually Autistic voices. Keep in mind, I'm not a medical channel. I can provide insight, just not medical advice. 😁
Great video :) The way i was taught is Dopamine = Desire (D). Serotonin = Satisfaction (S). If I'm super zen, I strive for altruistic acts because the satisfaction from helping others is longer lived than an impulsive binge or something self serving....but sometimes those are needed too imo haha X
“Brain says no” that is so true! It really is annoying when it’s something you want to do, I mean, it’s understandable when it’s something you don’t actually want to do like the cat litter tray or housework when you don’t feel like it but have to. I really liked all your hair colours, especially the red. I have just recently had mine cut very short from the bob I had for more than 10 years and I’ve gone back to my natural colour - I was surprised when it really suited me and had to say to myself that’s hardly surprising given it’s my natural colour lol! But yeah, at first the change freaked me out, but I wanted a sign of my ‘new’ identity.
I wish I didn't mind dying my hair. I really want to do turquoise and more purple. But at home kits are so messy and I never get it right and salons are noisy and exhausting. Plus expensive. "Brain Says No" is a common phrase in my house with three PDA profile AuDHD people. So now when someone says "Brain Says No" we try to find strategies to get the task complete without adding stress to ourselves.
Thank you so much for making this video. I haven’t been diagnosed with Autism. Not sure if I need the diagnosis (dilemma) or if I’d be taking this opportunity away from someone in need. Although the more I look into it ,the more my life makes sense. I am 50. Have fabulous grey wavy hair and think you’ll look stunning when your hair turns..enjoy the journey. Sending kind thoughts ❤
Your comment inspired me to make a video. :) You definitely won't be taking away resources or opportunity from anyone else. th-cam.com/video/Wc-o9oqfbC8/w-d-xo.html
Interesting video. Orion Kelly also discusses demand avoidance. I think my brain does that sometimes. However, as a general rule, I think it's more of a chronic depression thing with me. I was keeping that in check better in Arizona than I have since moving to Florida. Again, that's a long story. Let's just say that it got to the point where it was either move to Florida or be homeless. I chose the former.
This is 100% my son. As he grew I was baffled that rewards of any and all kinds not only didn't work, they often threw him in the opposite direction of "bad" behavior. Disciplined and punishment also had no effect with him. I've never known how to motivate him, because nothing works! I have no idea how to help him or me. His father is so nasty to him and abusive (I'm working on it) so he refuses to do anything. Thank God I found this info on pinterest and have gone down the rabbit hole of research. They just tell me what it is, nothing though on how to actually help my son to do things to be able to function in the real world. He has to want to do it, and think that it was his idea...then he goes whole hog and then some! I can't say for certain if I do have this. I simply get frazzled when I feel like I'm being forced to do something. Mostly because the people asking me have been so abusive (family, friends, spouse, co workers) While medicated and masking I could do these things but I had zero boundaries and they all took advantage of that. Now that I am 100% unmedicated (I was on 13 types of psych meds and 16 other meds for health issues) and I'm fighting tooth and nail to set boundaries (people DO NOT like when you set boundaries after taking advantage of you for decades) so I get super stubborn even if I want to do what is being asked. My husband kind of just out of the blue said he would take me to the DMV to fix my driver's licence. I NEED to do this so I don't lose my licence and it should've been done months ago but he didn't have the energy or desire to help me. So to just say, "Get dressed we're going to the DMV." I was like the hell I am! And we didn't go. I needed to get everything together to go, as well as brush my hair and find my clothes and yadda yadda yadda. I have a massive herbal tea collection too! I love drinking herbal tea, as well as medicinal. I drink 4 types to help me sleep, I need one to go to the bathroom, and a few for calming my temper, and then a few for overall good health, and of course the yummy ones just because they taste so good! Blueberry! I was born a ginger and wanted to be a ginger my whole life because at about 13 I went dark brunette. I also began to perm my hair at 8 years old. I'm 53 now and am about 90% gray. It looks awful when I tried to let it gray naturally. I need to have it dyed to look nice. lol I'm a medium auburn now lol and I lost most of my hair after the gastric bypass, when it grew back it came back curly like yours is now!
Kirsty Forbes on TH-cam talks about raising her PDA profile kids as a mum with PDA profile herself. Also, I relate to your story about your son not responding to rewards or sanctions/discipline/punishment. I got sent to a parenting course in early 2000’s regarding my son’s ‘behaviour’ which was essentially blamed on my ‘bad parenting’. That was a lot of fun! They expected results from making him do ‘star charts’ to ‘earn’ treats etc. He thought that was utter nonsense - which it was - if you want a biscuit, you want a biscuit not a stupid gold star. Although it wasn’t easy dealing with my son’s world-champion stubbornness (more dealing with other people’s reactions actually), I must say I always had respect for his attitude and strength of mind. He is now 28 and running his own business, so there’s one in the eye for not wanting to be told what to do!
Thank you! It was a recent hyperfixation. I spent a few days, six hours a day on a previous project. Then I slowed down. I'm now enjoying it but not as focused on it.
@@i.am.mindblind I also really appreciated this video, we seem to have lots of similarities like our age! I'm a January baby what about you? I didn't realize PDA could be internal, but that's something I struggle with, so I appreciate the tip on how to approach it. Like I want to read a book, knit or play a video game, but my brain wants more input so I need audiobook, podcast or music.
It’s me again…Undiagnosed @ 52. Projects, learned how to crochet and I have half a huge afghan in a tub. I learned how to sew. I made 6 quilts spent money on fabric to make a quilt for my niece. Started it, showed her pictures and she was looking forward to it. Covid happened and I couldn’t force myself to get into it. I felt pressured that she was expecting it. I never could finish it. I learned how to make jewelry with tiny seed beads. Did the farmers market. I sold stuff and my daughter moved out. I haven’t done it since. I feel like I want to but I am afraid it is going to suck me back into it. Do you do this? Not do things because you know you will end being consumed with it.
Oh awesome! Thanks for looking for actually autistic voices. The medical community has so much wrong about us. It's all about our behaviors instead of our internal senses. We have reasons for why we do things and it's not usually what a neurotypical person thinks.
Hmmm. My issue is that I don't want people to see me do things I'm "supposed" to do or have been asked to do. My thing is I don't want to be criticized or told I'm doing it wrong. I will get up early on the weekend to clean because everyone else is still in bed. If I'm, for example, cleaning and someone comes home, I'll hide the fact I'm cleaning. 🤷 I don't think this is the same thing, tho. I think this is from the way I was raised.
I can relate. I used to feel this way around cooking, but then I started a cooking TH-cam channel and made myself get over it (not recommending that strategy necessarily! Lol) But, yeah it's not wanting to be judged by other people. I'm not sure if this is a PDA trait or not though, something for me to look into!
I'm not very familiar with PDA. My traits are a blend of neurodevelopmental disorders and some trauma from (insert sarcasm) awesome parenting. I can remember a flashbulb memory of being maybe 5 and sweeping with my toy broom and my father telling me to get out of the way. He also got really mad at me when he tried to teach me to wash dishes because I kept getting soap in the rinse water. To this day, I refuse to wash dishes. I had an apartment and I bought disposable dishes. I don't know if PDA can be acquired. My autism diagnosis was literally one session. It was supposed to be an eval for job interest and ability. The psychologist got autism and ADHD out of it. Anyway, my point there was that it didn't have a lot of details about specifics. I'll ask my therapist about PDA and if my...approach to doing things fits. It just might. A lot of times, I wonder. If one of the roommates asks me to, say, help wash the car, I don't mind. I like spending time with them. But if I was asked to do it! It's like, really? I get singled out? No idea why.
I know you're not coloring your hair anymore, but if your adhd intervened and you did, a beautiful box dye red hair is Medium Intense Auburn by Garnier Nutrisse. I used it once when I wanted a change and it was sooo gorgeous, especially on light skintones. It's developed for a naturally brunette, or any shade or darker hair and it's so pretty, even when it wears off (even though it's permanent, the red's vibrancy still washes out.) Ps the blow-out dark hair with the purple is amazing on you!
My brain's wanting to tangent - I have it all the time. How do you deal with it in casual conversation? I think it's because of Asperger's but it's really making life difficult for me. Hugs!
Just to clarify, Autism level one (my diagnosis) is now what used to be diagnosed as Aspergers used to be. In 2013 Aspergers was folded under the Autism diagnosis and removed as a separate disorder. Also, Hans Asperger who it was named for was a Nazi. I think tangents come because we are thinking many pathways at once. We also often try to answer questions before the arise due to pattern recognition. ❤️
Im late diagnosed and had no idea until recently that this is what I’ve been experiencing. When things get really bad which usually means my house is a mess which triggers me bc it’s overwhelming but also means I’m not able to do the many things I want which triggers my depression
It is hard for me who works with a PDA adult, which can be extremely triggering for me to when they bark back at me in a condescending way. They tell me one thing and then says another and then dismisses me completely. I do not know a best way to move things forward working with this person that I’m in a setting where we are set to work together.
Self awareness involves having a useful model of your own mind, in your own mind. The weird thing about this happening is that it is sort of a hall of mirrors, because if that model is detailed, it will include that it holds a model of itself, within itself, and that internal model holds a model of itself, within itself, etc., etc., . . . I suspect, since your diagnosis and conscious awareness of many new details of how your mind works, you are now living more in this somewhat distracting, but very useful hall of mirrors.
@@jpopelish pardon the intrusion, please. Perhaps an analogy we've all experienced that might give one a feeling of the tip of that whole pda iceberg. Approaching a potential date or partner for the first time. We are of two minds often on this: Go for it and shaking in your boots. Simultaniously there is an urge to go forward and also to hide or run. It's not exactly the same... but I think most people have experienced that kind of self imposed duality of mind. for myself, I paint like she cross-stitches. Sometimes I want to paint, I'm happy, nothing standing in my way. I just can't. She's right, not until I take care of some subconscious problem that is preventing me from doing something I enjoy.
@@humanbeing4995 Thank you. My point is, that the more detailed and accurate your mental model of yourself (your own mind) is, the more of your subconscious becomes conscious. Introspection is wonderfully useful, if sometimes a bit scary.
Just a warning that all neurodivergent folk can also get burned out of their special interest. Especially when you have autism and ADHD (or just ADHD) you can keep rotating between special interests, getting tired of your old ones and replacing them with new ones, instead of having longer-lasting special interests like in pure autism. People with ADHD or auDHD also tend to have a bigger amount of special interests they focus on at a given time so that they can rotate between them. It's our brain's way of trying to find a balance between the "I want routine" from autism and the "I crave novelty" from ADHD. I know that Olivia Hopps has (at least) one video where she talks about getting immersed in her special interest so intensely and for so long that, all of a sudden, she wasn't interested in it anymore. I am wondering if I'm currently experiencing something similar or if I'm just in the middle of autistic burnout right now because I haven't been able to engage in my special interest (writing TTRG) for almost a year now.
The first time I saw ‘autistic PDA’ I was so confused for a moment and was like ‘huh? Is this about how autistic people display affection differently?’ But then I googled it and was like ‘oh shit no that’s me’
Wow, we looked very alike at a young age, and I had the same experience with needing my hair to stay blonde until I was in my 30s! So weird to see someone else expressing this!
Maybe since you started out as blonde, that as you age the grey hairs will be blondish. That is what happened to me. My hair was blonde until going to light brown in my 40's. Then after a while I coloured my hair blonde for over 10 years. Then for the past several years I've let it go. I'm rather pleased that my grey hairs started to go blondish. Either way, your brown hair suits you. In my case it never looked good.
Thank you, it was hard getting used to brown but I like it now. Interesting about blondish Greys. I'll have to study the couple I have and see if I can tell. Haha!
Endorphins? Oh yeah, Dopamine snd Serotonin. I have too many interests, to where i can't give any the focus that is needed. I want to be more creative But the last time i drew a picture, yes i felt happy and satisfied. But then i looked up an old friend online, because i was in a good mood and... I found a memorial. What? He died? I didn't get to say goodbye? And it was from 2019. I was just numb at first, like well sure , THAT may as well happen on top of the complete crapshow my life has become . But after a day or two the tears came. And a few months later i looked him up again. This time i found an obituary, and learned there had been a memorial/celebration of life in December. Which i also missed. Well shit. Im almost afraid to look up anyone anymore. I guess the delay from the pandemic not allowing normal life to happen. And what I SHOULD be working on i absolutely HATE. It's NOT fun. It's tedious, time consuming, i don't know what I'm doing. I need help and no one is really helping me. Its hard work that i don't get paid for, but is needed to ever push my life forward. I wonder if life is even worth living if everyone i care about is dying off. I frel like i should only allow myself to do something i enjoy after the work is done. But this project is going on 13 years i think. I need it to be over. I want it behind me and don't see a pathway out. The other side has deliberately dragged it out snd made a mountain of paperwork knowing i cant stand it. I just want to thank you for your channel. It is becoming one of my favorites because your detailed examples really resonate with me. Short vudeos are fine, but i need the details to understand the thought process. Does a neurotypical person ever describe their thought process? That might be interesting to hear how they arrive at an answer given the same input as one of us.
I have cried trying to get my brain to do things and it refuses. Then, people call you lazy, miss deadlines, etc. Not ti trigger people but its made me want to disappear from the Unuverse! I'm releaved to know it isnt "Just me", I'm not alone. People think we are making excuses and that just makes all the inward focused attacks "Why can't you just start, whats wrong with you"..A am happy to know we can get over the inertia!! Basically you said, we should prioritize an interest first, then, we get a boost of motivation molecules and our brain can finally say "Ok, let's get going!" Seems like solid advice!
Bring on the PDA videos. More more, please. My eyes teared up so much here, feeling very not alone. This old chick thanks you so much.
😁 Recognizing what's going on in my brain has been so helpful. Now to work with it! I'll keep sharing my discoveries as I learn and/or figure things out.
I cried, too. It's such a revelation that I could work with my brain like this. After a lifetime of fighting it, the simple insights you share here are so profound. It triggered grief about the kind of parenting I needed and never got. Thank you so much 🙏🏼💖
The more i learn about PDA, the more I think it's a lot of the reason I cant get anything done. As soon as I write down a list or decide on a schedule for cleaning/care tasks, my brain says "nope." I'm also dealing with chronic fatigue and it's all extremely frustrating.
Yep, totally relate.
I totally feel You... it's weird & frustrating, but it really does seem to fit.. But I still struggle with accepting if this is real or just a made up thing for another "excuse"... It's like can I really allow myself to accept this as a reason why I don't do anything I'm supposed to do??? And then, it seems more real when it also involves all the things I actually really really want to do... But I still struggle with accepting this as an excuse and being able to give myself full compassion.. 💔❤️
you are the first person who explained what I‘ve been struggling with since school. I’ve been trying to find out what was wrong with me for like 35 years. and had no luck. found answers like two years ago in Human Design. And now finally the autism diagnosis which adds another layer to me.
Homework, brain js excited, body says no. it was so frustrating. it had me so afraid what if that would happen at work 😳
and of course it did happen. it’s so stressful when someone demands something from me just can’t give when they want it. and I decided I won’t stress myself with this anymore. if I‘m blocked I accept it as is and my life became so much easier and more relaxed 😌
when I focus on an exciting topic I never get these blockages. so for month I dug deep into Human Design, until my curiosity was satisfied. now I barely look into it, I know all I want for now.
so yeah, navigating a world that doesn’t understand this is hard. like „why don’t you just do it“ because for the life of me I can’t. and I‘m done stressing me out for a world that just isn’t mine. and following a path without resistance makes a life with lots of interesting stories to tell too 😂
and also: love grey hair too! but I barely have a gray hair here and there. mine is dark brown. I‘m so looking forward to being all grey at some point hopefully!
Yes, PDA profile is one of the main reasons I've never been successful working. I can't function under someone else's schedule especially. It's also frustrating because I often need direction but if it's given to me, brain says no.
Wow this is unbelievably helpful advice. PDA has really gotten me into shitty situations and it hurts so much bc I want to do the things
Yes, wanting to do something and brain saying No is a frustration that non-pda people just aren't going to understand, I think.
needed this video. To find someone so much like me, mind blown. BTW, speaking of special interest and wanting to help and wanting to connect with others: Mine is biology & I work as an anatomy & physiology instructor (as a teacher, was JrHS/HS educator, now I work for a college) and as I've been discovering myself in the last year or so,but would LOVE to speak to you or any of you to describe/teach understand WHAT and WHY is happening physiologically during meltdowns. Oh, I also have a mess ton of autoimmunities, so those are also my 'special interests' and follows under the umbrella of biology. Anyhoo, would LOVE to talk & share with others so they can stop hating themselves, and learn to love. Love you all, and you make me feel SEEN which is first times in 52 yrs. My gratitude cannot be described, but I think you all understand.
Oh! Hopefully you'll connect with someone else who enjoys these things. I'm glad this video was relatable! 😁
I found a TH-cam video on the autistic burnout roller coaster that I found relatable. (I am self identified as autistic, but diagnosed as ADHD and it could apply to either construct, I think.) I don't know if autistic burnout is recognized by the professionals. Biology could be a special interest of mine, but I have always throttled it for the most part. I was heavily pushed into engineering and later moved into math when engineering seemed out of reach.
I have developed psoriasis in the last few years, but it is not clear to me if it is considered auto-immune.
I did take microbiology and a condensed organic chemistry class just for fun because I am weird that way. I never made the commitment to take an A and P sequence.
Hmmm, perhaps I should look into that! Think I will see if I can find some journal articles on autistic burnout.
Oops! I see that you are interested in meltdowns, not burnout. My bad! I have always considered my meltdowns as being part of the fight, flight, freeze, fawn response. Mine typically occur when I feel physically trapped in a confrontation. I disassociate. It is debatable whether mine are a trauma response or a meltdown.
3:43 this, oh my god. it’s exactly this, the reason i felt so different from other autistic people even after knowing that i’m autistic (self diagnosed) i still felt so out of touch with the community, other autistic people pursue their special interests and find joy and comfort in it, they do their special interest (if it was a hobby, or if it’s a game they play it constantly and maybe buy merch and things related to it) but i was never able to do that, i felt like i’m faking it?? but i knew that i couldn’t be allistic there is just no way. my problem is exactly as you described, i KNOW i want to do something that will feel special to me, i know that i want this special interest to be SPECIAL (?) and to take me if that describes it well 😂 but the whole time i just couldn’t, even if i REALLY wanted to watch and hyperfixate on a show or on a game, my brain says no because i made it a demand, my body rejects it in all ways possible even if i felt like i needed it. i just can’t. and it’s so damn hard to ‘just get over it’ or just force myself to DO whatever my body rejects. that’s why i feel like i have no “real”?special interest, i can’t get in deep in whatever interest i have, i can’t let myself enjoy things. and the same thing happens to work, to daily habits, to literally EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE!!! i realized a few months ago that i spent my whole life disassociating because i can’t have my needs met, no needs from any side of my life, and the more i try to be more mindful the more i realize how bad this pathological demand avoidance is really affecting my life, it feels like it’s the core problem, the main branch that all my life problems are caused by, that and my executive dysfunction in general, and i don’t know what to feel about this, i just feel at loss to be honest, yes it is validating to hear that this is a real problem and not something i made up in my mind, but the validation soon turns into anxiety because at the end of the day, i still have a life to live, and things that i need to do, i just feel at loss.
(now that my rant is over, please ignore any grammatical errors because i’m not used to type long sentences😅 english isn’t my first language)
anyway i wanted to say i’m super proud of you!! your embroidery project looks amazing ❤
PDA is so tricky to navigate. Glad to have provided some insight 😊
Omg this is so relatable I had no idea what I was feeling was pda. Just realizing that helps so much with being less annoyed and frustrated with myself because now I at least understand why I am like this. Thank you
Very interesting coping mechanism! I’m 42, diagnosed at 30. I have lots of greys and I love them, but we moved to a house with its own well, the water is full of iron and minerals that makes my greys orange!!! I really identify with a lot of what you are saying and I look forward to watching more of your content!
Oh that would be frustrating to me to have my Greys turn orange. When I was a kid my blonde would turn green from chlorine in the summer pools and that was always frustrating to deal with.
This is so true! My brain often says no. It’s so frustrating, especially when a special interest is nowhere in sight. I’ve sadly just lost my special interest, and I don’t know what to do. It sucks!
Thank you for making videos like this! Makes me (and most likely many others) feel less alone and weird 😊
The time between special interests is so frustrating. Hopefully something will grab your attention soon. ❤️
That was great and effective when you added the text for additional info and the audio info to clarify “burnout”.
I just subscribed and I’m absolutely obsessed and want to binge watch to understand my 19 yo son… I’m pretty sure you nailed it! I want to hear from those who are living your life rather than doctors who have to deal with putting people in a box
Thank you for your support and listening to actually Autistic voices. Keep in mind, I'm not a medical channel. I can provide insight, just not medical advice. 😁
Great video :) The way i was taught is Dopamine = Desire (D). Serotonin = Satisfaction (S).
If I'm super zen, I strive for altruistic acts because the satisfaction from helping others is longer lived than an impulsive binge or something self serving....but sometimes those are needed too imo haha X
“Brain says no” that is so true! It really is annoying when it’s something you want to do, I mean, it’s understandable when it’s something you don’t actually want to do like the cat litter tray or housework when you don’t feel like it but have to.
I really liked all your hair colours, especially the red. I have just recently had mine cut very short from the bob I had for more than 10 years and I’ve gone back to my natural colour - I was surprised when it really suited me and had to say to myself that’s hardly surprising given it’s my natural colour lol! But yeah, at first the change freaked me out, but I wanted a sign of my ‘new’ identity.
I wish I didn't mind dying my hair. I really want to do turquoise and more purple. But at home kits are so messy and I never get it right and salons are noisy and exhausting. Plus expensive.
"Brain Says No" is a common phrase in my house with three PDA profile AuDHD people. So now when someone says "Brain Says No" we try to find strategies to get the task complete without adding stress to ourselves.
Thank you so much for making this video.
I haven’t been diagnosed with Autism. Not sure if I need the diagnosis (dilemma) or if I’d be taking this opportunity away from someone in need.
Although the more I look into it ,the more my life makes sense.
I am 50. Have fabulous grey wavy hair and think you’ll look stunning when your hair turns..enjoy the journey. Sending kind thoughts ❤
Your comment inspired me to make a video. :) You definitely won't be taking away resources or opportunity from anyone else.
th-cam.com/video/Wc-o9oqfbC8/w-d-xo.html
Interesting video. Orion Kelly also discusses demand avoidance. I think my brain does that sometimes. However, as a general rule, I think it's more of a chronic depression thing with me. I was keeping that in check better in Arizona than I have since moving to Florida. Again, that's a long story. Let's just say that it got to the point where it was either move to Florida or be homeless. I chose the former.
Just found you and I’m lovin your videos!! Love your nails!!
Thank you on both accounts! 😊
This is 100% my son. As he grew I was baffled that rewards of any and all kinds not only didn't work, they often threw him in the opposite direction of "bad" behavior. Disciplined and punishment also had no effect with him. I've never known how to motivate him, because nothing works! I have no idea how to help him or me. His father is so nasty to him and abusive (I'm working on it) so he refuses to do anything. Thank God I found this info on pinterest and have gone down the rabbit hole of research. They just tell me what it is, nothing though on how to actually help my son to do things to be able to function in the real world.
He has to want to do it, and think that it was his idea...then he goes whole hog and then some!
I can't say for certain if I do have this. I simply get frazzled when I feel like I'm being forced to do something. Mostly because the people asking me have been so abusive (family, friends, spouse, co workers) While medicated and masking I could do these things but I had zero boundaries and they all took advantage of that.
Now that I am 100% unmedicated (I was on 13 types of psych meds and 16 other meds for health issues) and I'm fighting tooth and nail to set boundaries (people DO NOT like when you set boundaries after taking advantage of you for decades) so I get super stubborn even if I want to do what is being asked.
My husband kind of just out of the blue said he would take me to the DMV to fix my driver's licence. I NEED to do this so I don't lose my licence and it should've been done months ago but he didn't have the energy or desire to help me. So to just say, "Get dressed we're going to the DMV." I was like the hell I am! And we didn't go. I needed to get everything together to go, as well as brush my hair and find my clothes and yadda yadda yadda.
I have a massive herbal tea collection too! I love drinking herbal tea, as well as medicinal. I drink 4 types to help me sleep, I need one to go to the bathroom, and a few for calming my temper, and then a few for overall good health, and of course the yummy ones just because they taste so good! Blueberry!
I was born a ginger and wanted to be a ginger my whole life because at about 13 I went dark brunette. I also began to perm my hair at 8 years old. I'm 53 now and am about 90% gray. It looks awful when I tried to let it gray naturally. I need to have it dyed to look nice. lol I'm a medium auburn now lol and I lost most of my hair after the gastric bypass, when it grew back it came back curly like yours is now!
Sending hugs. Glad you are working on learning more to be supportive for you and your son. Sorry his father isn't someone you can count on.
Kirsty Forbes on TH-cam talks about raising her PDA profile kids as a mum with PDA profile herself. Also, I relate to your story about your son not responding to rewards or sanctions/discipline/punishment. I got sent to a parenting course in early 2000’s regarding my son’s ‘behaviour’ which was essentially blamed on my ‘bad parenting’. That was a lot of fun! They expected results from making him do ‘star charts’ to ‘earn’ treats etc. He thought that was utter nonsense - which it was - if you want a biscuit, you want a biscuit not a stupid gold star. Although it wasn’t easy dealing with my son’s world-champion stubbornness (more dealing with other people’s reactions actually), I must say I always had respect for his attitude and strength of mind. He is now 28 and running his own business, so there’s one in the eye for not wanting to be told what to do!
I love the embroidery! I just started doing it myself this year, you are very talented!
Thank you! It was a recent hyperfixation. I spent a few days, six hours a day on a previous project. Then I slowed down. I'm now enjoying it but not as focused on it.
@@i.am.mindblind I also really appreciated this video, we seem to have lots of similarities like our age! I'm a January baby what about you?
I didn't realize PDA could be internal, but that's something I struggle with, so I appreciate the tip on how to approach it. Like I want to read a book, knit or play a video game, but my brain wants more input so I need audiobook, podcast or music.
@@WynterDragon I was born end of December. Hopefully some of these ways of listening to your brain will help! 😊
Just found this video. Looking forward to learning more about PDA. Thanks.
It’s me again…Undiagnosed @ 52. Projects, learned how to crochet and I have half a huge afghan in a tub. I learned how to sew. I made 6 quilts spent money on fabric to make a quilt for my niece. Started it, showed her pictures and she was looking forward to it. Covid happened and I couldn’t force myself to get into it. I felt pressured that she was expecting it. I never could finish it. I learned how to make jewelry with tiny seed beads. Did the farmers market. I sold stuff and my daughter moved out. I haven’t done it since. I feel like I want to but I am afraid it is going to suck me back into it. Do you do this? Not do things because you know you will end being consumed with it.
Sometimes. But special interests or hyperfocuses help regulate me too, so they aren't all bad.
Thanks for teaching me new things. I’m going to start watching a 19 year old autistic young man so your video is the first I came across.
Oh awesome! Thanks for looking for actually autistic voices. The medical community has so much wrong about us. It's all about our behaviors instead of our internal senses. We have reasons for why we do things and it's not usually what a neurotypical person thinks.
The PDA element of my diagnosis explained so much about who I am, where I am and why.
Thanks for your awesome videos. Keep posting whenever you are inspired. I am so in awe of how well you understood your own mind 💜
Hmmm. My issue is that I don't want people to see me do things I'm "supposed" to do or have been asked to do.
My thing is I don't want to be criticized or told I'm doing it wrong.
I will get up early on the weekend to clean because everyone else is still in bed.
If I'm, for example, cleaning and someone comes home, I'll hide the fact I'm cleaning. 🤷
I don't think this is the same thing, tho. I think this is from the way I was raised.
I can relate. I used to feel this way around cooking, but then I started a cooking TH-cam channel and made myself get over it (not recommending that strategy necessarily! Lol) But, yeah it's not wanting to be judged by other people. I'm not sure if this is a PDA trait or not though, something for me to look into!
I'm not very familiar with PDA. My traits are a blend of neurodevelopmental disorders and some trauma from (insert sarcasm) awesome parenting.
I can remember a flashbulb memory of being maybe 5 and sweeping with my toy broom and my father telling me to get out of the way. He also got really mad at me when he tried to teach me to wash dishes because I kept getting soap in the rinse water.
To this day, I refuse to wash dishes. I had an apartment and I bought disposable dishes.
I don't know if PDA can be acquired. My autism diagnosis was literally one session. It was supposed to be an eval for job interest and ability. The psychologist got autism and ADHD out of it. Anyway, my point there was that it didn't have a lot of details about specifics. I'll ask my therapist about PDA and if my...approach to doing things fits. It just might.
A lot of times, I wonder. If one of the roommates asks me to, say, help wash the car, I don't mind. I like spending time with them. But if I was asked to do it! It's like, really? I get singled out? No idea why.
I know you're not coloring your hair anymore, but if your adhd intervened and you did, a beautiful box dye red hair is Medium Intense Auburn by Garnier Nutrisse. I used it once when I wanted a change and it was sooo gorgeous, especially on light skintones. It's developed for a naturally brunette, or any shade or darker hair and it's so pretty, even when it wears off (even though it's permanent, the red's vibrancy still washes out.) Ps the blow-out dark hair with the purple is amazing on you!
I did auburn for awhile and loved it on me! But the maintence & cost of dyeing hair is just too much for me.
Your hair is gorgeous!!
Thank you! 😍😁
My brain's wanting to tangent - I have it all the time. How do you deal with it in casual conversation? I think it's because of Asperger's but it's really making life difficult for me. Hugs!
Just to clarify, Autism level one (my diagnosis) is now what used to be diagnosed as Aspergers used to be. In 2013 Aspergers was folded under the Autism diagnosis and removed as a separate disorder. Also, Hans Asperger who it was named for was a Nazi.
I think tangents come because we are thinking many pathways at once. We also often try to answer questions before the arise due to pattern recognition. ❤️
The kitty is so cute.
Im late diagnosed and had no idea until recently that this is what I’ve been experiencing. When things get really bad which usually means my house is a mess which triggers me bc it’s overwhelming but also means I’m not able to do the many things I want which triggers my depression
It is hard for me who works with a PDA adult, which can be extremely triggering for me to when they bark back at me in a condescending way. They tell me one thing and then says another and then dismisses me completely. I do not know a best way to move things forward working with this person that I’m in a setting where we are set to work together.
Self awareness involves having a useful model of your own mind, in your own mind. The weird thing about this happening is that it is sort of a hall of mirrors, because if that model is detailed, it will include that it holds a model of itself, within itself, and that internal model holds a model of itself, within itself, etc., etc., . . .
I suspect, since your diagnosis and conscious awareness of many new details of how your mind works, you are now living more in this somewhat distracting, but very useful hall of mirrors.
Sounds very complicated! 😬
@@i.am.mindblind You are describing using your awareness of how your mind works (using your mental model of you own mind) in this video.
@@jpopelish pardon the intrusion, please. Perhaps an analogy we've all experienced that might give one a feeling of the tip of that whole pda iceberg. Approaching a potential date or partner for the first time. We are of two minds often on this: Go for it and shaking in your boots. Simultaniously there is an urge to go forward and also to hide or run. It's not exactly the same... but I think most people have experienced that kind of self imposed duality of mind.
for myself, I paint like she cross-stitches. Sometimes I want to paint, I'm happy, nothing standing in my way. I just can't. She's right, not until I take care of some subconscious problem that is preventing me from doing something I enjoy.
@@humanbeing4995 Thank you. My point is, that the more detailed and accurate your mental model of yourself (your own mind) is, the more of your subconscious becomes conscious. Introspection is wonderfully useful, if sometimes a bit scary.
@@jpopelish indeed it can
Just a warning that all neurodivergent folk can also get burned out of their special interest. Especially when you have autism and ADHD (or just ADHD) you can keep rotating between special interests, getting tired of your old ones and replacing them with new ones, instead of having longer-lasting special interests like in pure autism. People with ADHD or auDHD also tend to have a bigger amount of special interests they focus on at a given time so that they can rotate between them. It's our brain's way of trying to find a balance between the "I want routine" from autism and the "I crave novelty" from ADHD. I know that Olivia Hopps has (at least) one video where she talks about getting immersed in her special interest so intensely and for so long that, all of a sudden, she wasn't interested in it anymore. I am wondering if I'm currently experiencing something similar or if I'm just in the middle of autistic burnout right now because I haven't been able to engage in my special interest (writing TTRG) for almost a year now.
Oh yes, I rotate, get burned out and add new special interests all the time! Lol. A lot of my SpIn revolve around certain themes, but not always.
I have trouble using my mind's eye these days. I think I used to do it but either age or meds seem to have taken it away.
That's how Aphantasia was discovered. Someone who could see and then lost it and started asking questions.
@@i.am.mindblind Thanks. I'll talk to my doctor about it.
can you make a video on how people without PDA should talk to someone with PDA, for example parents?
That's a good idea. I'll add it to my list for an upcoming video!
I saw PDA and thought that was Public Displays of Affection
Often acronyms have more than one use. In Autistic circles PDA is Pathological Demand Avoidance.
The first time I saw ‘autistic PDA’ I was so confused for a moment and was like ‘huh? Is this about how autistic people display affection differently?’ But then I googled it and was like ‘oh shit no that’s me’
Wow, we looked very alike at a young age, and I had the same experience with needing my hair to stay blonde until I was in my 30s! So weird to see someone else expressing this!
Oh that's interesting! At the time, I know it was upsetting to not be blonde anymore but I also knew I wanted to be brunette. The change was hard. 💜
Love your eyes, you are so beautiful. Wish you luck
I’m henceforth calling my mental health meds my “brain goies” and no one can stop me! 😂
😁😁😁
Dopamine ???
I don't understand your question, can you provide more context? Thank you.
@@i.am.mindblind Was listening and trying to answer the question as dopamine (brain revver ?)
Ah, yes. I did add that as words on the screen during editing.
Maybe since you started out as blonde, that as you age the grey hairs will be blondish. That is what happened to me. My hair was blonde until going to light brown in my 40's. Then after a while I coloured my hair blonde for over 10 years. Then for the past several years I've let it go. I'm rather pleased that my grey hairs started to go blondish. Either way, your brown hair suits you. In my case it never looked good.
Thank you, it was hard getting used to brown but I like it now. Interesting about blondish Greys. I'll have to study the couple I have and see if I can tell. Haha!
Endorphins? Oh yeah, Dopamine snd Serotonin.
I have too many interests, to where i can't give any the focus that is needed. I want to be more creative
But the last time i drew a picture, yes i felt happy and satisfied. But then i looked up an old friend online, because i was in a good mood and... I found a memorial. What? He died? I didn't get to say goodbye? And it was from 2019.
I was just numb at first, like well sure , THAT may as well happen on top of the complete crapshow my life has become . But after a day or two the tears came.
And a few months later i looked him up again. This time i found an obituary, and learned there had been a memorial/celebration of life in December. Which i also missed. Well shit. Im almost afraid to look up anyone anymore. I guess the delay from the pandemic not allowing normal life to happen.
And what I SHOULD be working on i absolutely HATE. It's NOT fun. It's tedious, time consuming, i don't know what I'm doing. I need help and no one is really helping me. Its hard work that i don't get paid for, but is needed to ever push my life forward.
I wonder if life is even worth living if everyone i care about is dying off.
I frel like i should only allow myself to do something i enjoy after the work is done. But this project is going on 13 years i think. I need it to be over. I want it behind me and don't see a pathway out. The other side has deliberately dragged it out snd made a mountain of paperwork knowing i cant stand it.
I just want to thank you for your channel. It is becoming one of my favorites because your detailed examples really resonate with me. Short vudeos are fine, but i need the details to understand the thought process.
Does a neurotypical person ever describe their thought process? That might be interesting to hear how they arrive at an answer given the same input as one of us.
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