50 years ago I was at my first AA conference. A man stopped at my table and looked at me and ask if he could sit down? I said yes and I unloaded on this stranger for probably 10 minutes. I have never forgotten it! I have never before or since felt so listened to. He made a difference. This Aug will be 50 years since I had a drink. The best years of my life.
I have a lot of health issues so I see a lot of doctors. I know they don’t have tons of time and I’ve gotten used to explaining why I’m there quickly and concisely, even then they may not really hear me. Then I got a new RA doctor. She came into the room, sat down, and proceeded to listen to me! I’ve never felt so heard in my life! I positively love her!
You've met a gem in your RA doctor.! Unfortunately, many doctors today lack empathy. They would blame it on technology. Yes, to a point. However, they could take a moment to read up on your chart. Then turn and look at you and listen. But they don't. Sad.. happy you finally found a dr that cares and values you as a whole person not just a number with chart on anIPad. Hopefully your doctor will offer ways to aid you in dealing with your pain. 🥰
Alex, every time I had the opportunity to talk with you, you practice what you preach. I greatly admire this from both you and your wife. I miss you guys. Keep up the great work! Mark
I have been on a quest to listen well for decades. It started when I was a teen and discovered how one single person opened up and sort of bloomed as I listened to him, then acknowledged some thing's that were said. As he continued to speak I made follow up q about his experience. The response was so positive I wanted to do it again and again. The upside was, I thoroughly enjoyed. Being genuinely interested is key.
I teach teenagers about the Bible, critical thinking, etc., and frequently I will search for a YT video that introduces or elaborates on an idea. Finding good ones, especially those that will appeal to teens, is a challenge. One thing I look for is a speaker who has a winsome personality. Someone whose presentation is easily understood and appealing. Today, I've listened to two of your videos, and I'm happy to add you to my list of favorites. Thank you.
I had a mentor named Angel who was an amazing listener. He never interrupted and always asked me follow up questions. I felt empowered and supported because he gave me space and time to express myself
Thank you for sharing your empathetic listening skills, I appreciate your presentation style. I will incorporate these three techniques into my interactions with others. I worked for 32 years as a problem solver, need to refocus on empathic listening and not solving issues. Sometimes it’s tough.
This is very helpful! Thank you, Alex! Yes, when someone really listens to me I feel affirmed and understood (we see eye to eye), and I find myself talking more than I wanted to.
OMG. You are so amazing at teaching. I learned so much in this video and I know it will help all my relationships. Your son is so lucky to have such a caring & attentive & understanding dad like you
Decision: Iam an active listener ❤️ The first rule of my speaking is: listen! "I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I'm going to learn, I must do it by listening"- Larry king
This is so helpful, thank you for sharing. In answer to your question, I remember when I was young and I had an adult really listen to me, at first I was not sure what was happening and then when this person remembered what I had said and asked me about it, it was just the best feeling ever. To this day, that individual is my favourite human being and it had everything to do with the fact that she listened to me, she asked questions, gave me options to consider and let me talk it out. I’m here listening to you now because I would like to be able to be that person for someone else, to pass on that feeling that helped me more than I can ever explain.
Listening in a way that shows a person is trying to deeply understand is a form of listening that communicates love in the best/purest sense. Being heard and seen, is the best feeling ever. It is a balm to the nervous system.
Thank you for sharing this! Yes, I must say that I really appreciate when someone is active listening to me, but unfortunately I'm not always good at it myself, as I'm unfortunately a talkative person. 😌 My hope is to become a better listener, and learn to be more quiet 🤐.
my boyfriend is the person that always listens to understand. he is absolutely the best, and because of him i want to get better at my empathic listening skills :)
Man I just want to say thank you, your videos have helped me tremendously. Enough so, that my boss has noticed and made comment of it. He told me that he really appreciated me taking the time to sharpen my communication skills. Not many people do or are aware they need Improvement in that area. My conversations have gotten clear and more productive, I can't say thank you enough. But I'll say it one more time, thank you!
I definitely agree. Thanks for another great video. I'm learning a lot. It's a blessing for me to get to watch your videos. They have saved me on two very important meetings and now becoming more social.
It’s been recently revealed that my wife had endured a lot of childhood and adolescence abuse from her parents. I certainly need to be more empathetic given these revelations as we work through them and how they are effecting her.
I almost forgot how it feels to be listened and feel real human connection until a semi random guy at work showed real listening. I woke up and got up looking for empathy again. Nice to be human once again!
I have a problem with patience, so I do try hard to listen even if I think the questions or conversation is rediculous. I need to care more. I cut to the chase too much sometimes.
❤️Hi Alex, beautiful ie. habit #5 “Seek to understand” & be understood….people are clueless in my experience, so sad our education system fails us teaching this detrimental skill; I will be sharing this as a Pro tip at my Toastmaster’s meeting Sat 2/3 /24 & telling them about your TH-cam channel….😳😁….
2:48 if I’m engaged in internal dialogue while the other person is speaking, then I’m not empathically listening because I’m not fully present to their words & non-verbal cues. Instead, part of my attention is in my head, imagining being in their shoes. The focus is now predominantly on me, not them. Imagining myself in their shoes helps, but only if i’ve done it before our conversation begins, if I know (in advance) what they’d like to discuss.
🌸🌺 Great topic in a time when most people are more interested in their phone device even when in the company of others. People know you're not paying attention and that has negative effects on our relationships. We can't read the cues if we're not even invested in the conversation.
I am searching for videos on listening skills as a 45 yr old mom with a daughter whose therapist told me I need to work on this. She is 22. I struggle with recently diagnosed ADHD and I feel certain ASD like my youngest daughter. I want to learn what mistakes to correct to help her heal her eating disorder.
I have been trying to grow my empathy for a bit now and i have come to the conclusion that if you want to grow something you need a seed. Those of us with zero empathy don't even have a place to start. I man born with a bad leg can get physical therapy and strengthen that leg. If you are born without that leg you can at best learn to use a prosthetic. Likewise I can fake being empathetic but i can't feel empathy.
Im having a hardtime understanding emphatic listening. I have a friend who has anxiety and health problems and since the communication is through text only, it is difficult to express in words or am i choosing the right words to say to ease the burden she feels. She said its easy to say encouraging words but i dont exactly know the pain she feels. I answered her f theres only a way i could take the pain i would. Is my response wrong?
Yes when my husband listen to me I felt very grateful ... it feels like I am a luckiest girl to have him ... he always understand me ...also he got my my non-verbal expressions 😂
How do you empathize with TOXIC PEOPLE who are chronic complainers, perpetually angry, habitually blaming and putting others down? These people tend to drown others in their sorrows while taking little or no responsibility for their actions or the outcomes of their lives. It's very difficult to listen with interest to their woes without becoming drawn in, overwhelmed, exhausted or dragged down to their negativity. How can one listen empathically without encouraging these behaviors or getting caught up in their downward spiral. How can one respond effectively to these kinds of people?
Hi, Betty. Good question. The short answer is, there's a time for empathy and there's a time for managing healthy boundaries. For toxic people (who are committed to being toxic), it's best to manage your distance and boundaries with them. You're quite right in that when we indulge them with great listening they are very likely to just continue ranting. I will typically encourage toxic people to speak directly to the person they are ranting about (rather than talk to me), I ask them what they are going to do to make things better, I essentially push them toward developing their own solution. I don't offer solutions directly (at least I don't do it more than once). When and if they come back to me, I say something along the lines of, "Well, like I said last time we talked about this . . ." When they see that they're not going to bait us into putting gasoline on the fire, they'll see that you have your limits. So, it's really not about empathizing like I'm talking about in the video. The video assumes you're dealing with a relatively healthy and normal person and I'm assuming viewers want to work on their own listening skills. But, with less emotionally healthy people, you have to manage your own boundaries so they don't make your life worse.
Great video as always. msg's get mis-understood. Although said with good intentions, sometimes didnt land as like so to the other person. So how do we decide when to let go and when to make amends?
It's a hard question but an important one. For me, when I can tell that the other person really does *_want_* to understand and genuinely respects me, I'll work on making amends or letting them make amends. If I can tell that they desire conflict in some way, I'll put distance between us.
I hear you. I often feel the same way. I don't have any easy answers for you. Sometimes, people _do_ want their problems fixed and fixed fast. But, that's not what empathy is about. Many times, we just want somebody to be there for us. And, some problems aren't so easily fixed. Many times, advice can sound pretty generic and almost cheap. Advice doesn't communicate much about the relationship. Really listening and empathizing makes a bigger investment in the other person. But, I really do hear you, P. I have heard many problems that had obvious answers that the other person just didn't want to talk about.
Interestingly, I'm a natural at empathetic listening. I can mirror and connect emotionally with others easily. My challenge is to actively listen without interrupting them or trying to make them feel better. I want to track better and stay quiet so that they get the air time they need.
what if putting yourself in their shoes does not result in the same emotion? for example, what if you both play a sport and you don't care so much if you lose but they do. they come to you and are really bummed, "we lost, I'm so so upset"... but for you, it doesn't matter at all. so what, you lost a game? how do you "empathize" when putting yourself in their shoes does not mean the same thing. other examples might be a trigger for someone might not create any emotion for me, or vice versa...what do you do then? That's the part of empathy I've always struggled with...
Good question. In that case, I would try to remember an experience where it did matter to me that I'd lost something. Or I'd think about a time when I didn't get something that was important to me. I have a video titled _What is Empathy?_ that might be helpful.
I’m having a hard time understanding empathy. My fiancé told me about a loss on a particular day recently that’s been bothering him & my response was, “ya that can bring up emotions for sure. My mom’s passing of 4 years is 9/8 so I know how that is”. He said I didn’t empathize but to me, I did cus I related so I’m confused. Did I over empathize? I don’t get it 😩
Hi, Kyia. You're asking an excellent question. I honestly should make a brief video about this topic because I've done it like that as well. I don't have all of the details and all of the moment-to-moment timing of your conversation but it sounded like it might have been a time to just continue in more of a pure listening mode for a while and wait a lot longer before bringing up your mom's passing. You could have, for example, briefly remembered what it was like to lose your mom but not yet mention it aloud yet in the conversation. Internally, that would have helped you put yourself in his shoes emotionally. You'd _relate_ to his loss in your head but not in the conversation (just yet). Maybe ask more follow up questions/prompts like "Tell me more," or "What other feelings does that bring up?" or other brief prompts like that. Sometimes, that can be accomplished with just "uh huh," or "I hear you" and some genuine empathetic eye contact that'll allow them to keep talking as long as they need to. Essentially, just listen and empathize until it's getting clear that he's processed it all for a good long while. It can feel to others as if we've jumped into the conversation too soon or as if we have changed the subject if we share our experience before the other person is all done sharing theirs. If it were me, I'd even then double-check, before putting the attention on me. "Do you want to keep talking about it?" or, "I have something to share that this is bringing up for me but I want to be sure you keep listening to you until you're ready." Or, "Would it be too soon if I talked about what this is bringing up for me?" And, then, just make sure the conversation still essentially sticks to what he's been sharing. So, keep your talking turn brief and then relate back to his experience. Like, "I'm not sure if this relates but when my mom passed, I felt a deep sense of loss that . . .[details go here] . . . is that how your situation feels for you right now?" It might, in other words, be an issue of listening and empathizing longer (possibly a lot longer) without yet sharing your story until he's truly done sharing and processing. It's a bit like therapy, really. A therapist listens 95% of the time and his/her prompts and questions are short and the conversation is virtually always about the client. Sorry for the long answer. This is all a really really important aspect of empathy.
@@alexanderlyon no worries about the long reply. It was thorough & I understood. It was difficult cus it was over text but in the future, in person I will take note of what you have suggested. Thank you so much! I have checked out your empathy & listening videos too. I appreciate what you’re doing. God bless you!
Update:
Free Class and Resources: www.alexanderlyon.com/free-resources
Other Classes from Alex: www.alexanderlyon.com
50 years ago I was at my first AA conference. A man stopped at my table and looked at me and ask if he could sit down? I said yes and I unloaded on this stranger for probably 10 minutes. I have never forgotten it! I have never before or since felt so listened to. He made a difference. This Aug will be 50 years since I had a drink. The best years of my life.
Thanks for sharing, Lionel. Congratulations on 50 years without a drink! That's epic.
I have a lot of health issues so I see a lot of doctors. I know they don’t have tons of time and I’ve gotten used to explaining why I’m there quickly and concisely, even then they may not really hear me. Then I got a new RA doctor. She came into the room, sat down, and proceeded to listen to me! I’ve never felt so heard in my life! I positively love her!
That's a great example, Creative Spaces. Great listening makes such a difference. Excellent example. Thank you for sharing that.
My RA sat next to me, not facing me, and listened to what I was saying. I miss him so.
You've met a gem in your RA doctor.! Unfortunately, many doctors today lack empathy. They would blame it on technology. Yes, to a point. However, they could take a moment to read up on your chart. Then turn and look at you and listen. But they don't. Sad.. happy you finally found a dr that cares and values you as a whole person not just a number with chart on anIPad. Hopefully your doctor will offer ways to aid you in dealing with your pain. 🥰
Love from FEA ❣️
Alex, every time I had the opportunity to talk with you, you practice what you preach. I greatly admire this from both you and your wife. I miss you guys. Keep up the great work! Mark
Thanks, Mark. Miss you, too, man.
I have been on a quest to listen well for decades. It started when I was a teen and discovered how one single person opened up and sort of bloomed as I listened to him, then acknowledged some thing's that were said. As he continued to speak I made follow up q about his experience.
The response was so positive I wanted to do it again and again. The upside was, I thoroughly enjoyed.
Being genuinely interested is key.
I teach teenagers about the Bible, critical thinking, etc., and frequently I will search for a YT video that introduces or elaborates on an idea. Finding good ones, especially those that will appeal to teens, is a challenge. One thing I look for is a speaker who has a winsome personality. Someone whose presentation is easily understood and appealing. Today, I've listened to two of your videos, and I'm happy to add you to my list of favorites. Thank you.
I had a mentor named Angel who was an amazing listener. He never interrupted and always asked me follow up questions. I felt empowered and supported because he gave me space and time to express myself
Great comments and examples, Michele. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your empathetic listening skills, I appreciate your presentation style. I will incorporate these three techniques into my interactions with others. I worked for 32 years as a problem solver, need to refocus on empathic listening and not solving issues. Sometimes it’s tough.
This is very helpful! Thank you, Alex! Yes, when someone really listens to me I feel affirmed and understood (we see eye to eye), and I find myself talking more than I wanted to.
OMG. You are so amazing at teaching. I learned so much in this video and I know it will help all my relationships. Your son is so lucky to have such a caring & attentive & understanding dad like you
Decision: Iam an active listener ❤️
The first rule of my speaking is: listen!
"I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I'm going to learn, I must do it by listening"- Larry king
Thanks for uploading these videos as someone who is autistic and struggles in talking with people this helps me understand more about communication.
People from FEA like 👍
❤Love from FEA palam branch
Yssssssssssss
Bhajanpura branch 😅
Patna
Baigan🍆
This is so helpful, thank you for sharing.
In answer to your question, I remember when I was young and I had an adult really listen to me, at first I was not sure what was happening and then when this person remembered what I had said and asked me about it, it was just the best feeling ever. To this day, that individual is my favourite human being and it had everything to do with the fact that she listened to me, she asked questions, gave me options to consider and let me talk it out. I’m here listening to you now because I would like to be able to be that person for someone else, to pass on that feeling that helped me more than I can ever explain.
Listening in a way that shows a person is trying to deeply understand is a form of listening that communicates love in the best/purest sense.
Being heard and seen, is the best feeling ever. It is a balm to the nervous system.
Thank you for sharing this! Yes, I must say that I really appreciate when someone is active listening to me, but unfortunately I'm not always good at it myself, as I'm unfortunately a talkative person. 😌 My hope is to become a better listener, and learn to be more quiet 🤐.
FEA guys present here 🤘
my boyfriend is the person that always listens to understand. he is absolutely the best, and because of him i want to get better at my empathic listening skills :)
That's awesome. You've got a good one! :-)
Man I just want to say thank you, your videos have helped me tremendously. Enough so, that my boss has noticed and made comment of it. He told me that he really appreciated me taking the time to sharpen my communication skills. Not many people do or are aware they need Improvement in that area. My conversations have gotten clear and more productive, I can't say thank you enough. But I'll say it one more time, thank you!
Your comment made my day! Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
I definitely agree. Thanks for another great video. I'm learning a lot. It's a blessing for me to get to watch your videos. They have saved me on two very important meetings and now becoming more social.
Yep, my friend and brother in Christ, Kwazi. He's a really good listener. I can talk to him about almost anything.
Yes we are the FEA students
Such great tips Alex! Much appreciated! You're amazing in EVERYTHING you present. Thank YOU.
You're so welcome, Ernesto. I appreciate your kindness and I'm glad the videos are helpful.
It’s been recently revealed that my wife had endured a lot of childhood and adolescence abuse from her parents. I certainly need to be more empathetic given these revelations as we work through them and how they are effecting her.
I almost forgot how it feels to be listened and feel real human connection until a semi random guy at work showed real listening. I woke up and got up looking for empathy again. Nice to be human once again!
Hello there , its was really helpful. Do you have written script of this video. I would really appreciate if you could share it.
Delhi FEA wale like ❤
Came here from FEA
GREAT THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL THOSE TIPS , NEED SO MUCH TO LEARN , i AVING PROBLEMS WITH MY TEAM AND I WANT TO BE COME A BETTER LEADER
Thank you for your help
I'm so glad I stumbled to your channel...I was listening to Dolly Parton.
You are best speaker.
Thank you!
I have a problem with patience, so I do try hard to listen even if I think the questions or conversation is rediculous. I need to care more. I cut to the chase too much sometimes.
who came here from FEA 😙
Rohit is here.
Saad is here
I came here from fea 🤣
Which branch?
Me 🙋♂️
❤️Hi Alex, beautiful ie. habit #5 “Seek to understand” & be understood….people are clueless in my experience, so sad our education system fails us teaching this detrimental skill; I will be sharing this as a Pro tip at my Toastmaster’s meeting Sat 2/3 /24 & telling them about your TH-cam channel….😳😁….
2:48 if I’m engaged in internal dialogue while the other person is speaking, then I’m not empathically listening because I’m not fully present to their words & non-verbal cues. Instead, part of my attention is in my head, imagining being in their shoes. The focus is now predominantly on me, not them. Imagining myself in their shoes helps, but only if i’ve done it before our conversation begins, if I know (in advance) what they’d like to discuss.
People from FEA Please mark your attendance
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🌸🌺 Great topic in a time when most people are more interested in their phone device even when in the company of others. People know you're not paying attention and that has negative effects on our relationships. We can't read the cues if we're not even invested in the conversation.
Ah, yes. The distractions really do harm our connections. Good point. It takes an investment to connect well with others.
6:13 Yes and I felt no different. But I still appreciated it.
Yes my friend Swati listen me by empathy 😊
I am searching for videos on listening skills as a 45 yr old mom with a daughter whose therapist told me I need to work on this. She is 22. I struggle with recently diagnosed ADHD and I feel certain ASD like my youngest daughter. I want to learn what mistakes to correct to help her heal her eating disorder.
Who come here from varanasi (FEA)?
I'm come from Varanasi (FEA) 😊
I am from the FEA sigra branch 😅
Thank you so much sir , this video is really helpful for me. It will help me to listening 🎧 someone perfectly.
I hope the tips are helpful, Anjali.
Yes my ❤ listen to me very empathically.
We all are from Lucknow, FEA institute
AWESOME video! Thanks!
Glad you liked it, Lisa. Thanks for your encouragement.
I appreciate your so so sooooo clear English man 🤠👍
Very effective and good.
I did a gig on fiverr to become an empathetic listener, but I am getting no traffic what would you suggest I do to get more traffic
wow!remarkable speech.
Thank you!
Cna you please upload any live example clip or video related to empathetic listening it would help me a lot.
It's a good idea but I don't have my own clip of that to upload. I'm guessing that there are other videos on TH-cam that show a live sample.
Okay thank skills for my Students
I have been trying to grow my empathy for a bit now and i have come to the conclusion that if you want to grow something you need a seed. Those of us with zero empathy don't even have a place to start. I man born with a bad leg can get physical therapy and strengthen that leg. If you are born without that leg you can at best learn to use a prosthetic. Likewise I can fake being empathetic but i can't feel empathy.
Nice video 🎥🎥🎥🎥🎥 it's very important
Thank you so much
Kon se fea branch se ho
Excellent stuff 👍🏼
Im having a hardtime understanding emphatic listening. I have a friend who has anxiety and health problems and since the communication is through text only, it is difficult to express in words or am i choosing the right words to say to ease the burden she feels. She said its easy to say encouraging words but i dont exactly know the pain she feels. I answered her f theres only a way i could take the pain i would. Is my response wrong?
I have a more recent and related video, "What Is Empathy" that might help.
Thank you!!
Welcome🎉
I have an important idea, how can I reach you coach?
This tips are important
I’m struggling with this in my relationship
Yes when my husband listen to me I felt very grateful ... it feels like I am a luckiest girl to have him ... he always understand me ...also he got my my non-verbal expressions 😂
My wife does the same for me. She's an amazing listener.
@@alexanderlyon glad to know this
Thank you
You're welcome. Glad it was helpful.
How do you empathize with TOXIC PEOPLE who are chronic complainers, perpetually angry, habitually blaming and putting others down? These people tend to drown others in their sorrows while taking little or no responsibility for their actions or the outcomes of their lives. It's very difficult to listen with interest to their woes without becoming drawn in, overwhelmed, exhausted or dragged down to their negativity. How can one listen empathically without encouraging these behaviors or getting caught up in their downward spiral. How can one respond effectively to these kinds of people?
Hi, Betty. Good question. The short answer is, there's a time for empathy and there's a time for managing healthy boundaries. For toxic people (who are committed to being toxic), it's best to manage your distance and boundaries with them. You're quite right in that when we indulge them with great listening they are very likely to just continue ranting. I will typically encourage toxic people to speak directly to the person they are ranting about (rather than talk to me), I ask them what they are going to do to make things better, I essentially push them toward developing their own solution. I don't offer solutions directly (at least I don't do it more than once). When and if they come back to me, I say something along the lines of, "Well, like I said last time we talked about this . . ." When they see that they're not going to bait us into putting gasoline on the fire, they'll see that you have your limits. So, it's really not about empathizing like I'm talking about in the video. The video assumes you're dealing with a relatively healthy and normal person and I'm assuming viewers want to work on their own listening skills. But, with less emotionally healthy people, you have to manage your own boundaries so they don't make your life worse.
Great question and great response here!
Great video as always. msg's get mis-understood. Although said with good intentions, sometimes didnt land as like so to the other person. So how do we decide when to let go and when to make amends?
It's a hard question but an important one. For me, when I can tell that the other person really does *_want_* to understand and genuinely respects me, I'll work on making amends or letting them make amends. If I can tell that they desire conflict in some way, I'll put distance between us.
Well explained
I would like to know why someone wouldn’t want to fix the situation I have a hard problem understanding that
I hear you. I often feel the same way. I don't have any easy answers for you. Sometimes, people _do_ want their problems fixed and fixed fast. But, that's not what empathy is about. Many times, we just want somebody to be there for us. And, some problems aren't so easily fixed. Many times, advice can sound pretty generic and almost cheap. Advice doesn't communicate much about the relationship. Really listening and empathizing makes a bigger investment in the other person. But, I really do hear you, P. I have heard many problems that had obvious answers that the other person just didn't want to talk about.
Interestingly, I'm a natural at empathetic listening. I can mirror and connect emotionally with others easily. My challenge is to actively listen without interrupting them or trying to make them feel better. I want to track better and stay quiet so that they get the air time they need.
Thanks sir
Welcome student
Yea I'm also from FEA
what if putting yourself in their shoes does not result in the same emotion? for example, what if you both play a sport and you don't care so much if you lose but they do. they come to you and are really bummed, "we lost, I'm so so upset"... but for you, it doesn't matter at all. so what, you lost a game? how do you "empathize" when putting yourself in their shoes does not mean the same thing. other examples might be a trigger for someone might not create any emotion for me, or vice versa...what do you do then? That's the part of empathy I've always struggled with...
Good question. In that case, I would try to remember an experience where it did matter to me that I'd lost something. Or I'd think about a time when I didn't get something that was important to me. I have a video titled _What is Empathy?_ that might be helpful.
FEA Attendance 😁✌️
I listen carefully but some barrear, s I listen something else . Só how to listen carefully. Distraction.
Adarsh sir ❣️
Great teaching
Thank you, D. I appreciate that. :-)
Thanks
I’m having a hard time understanding empathy. My fiancé told me about a loss on a particular day recently that’s been bothering him & my response was, “ya that can bring up emotions for sure. My mom’s passing of 4 years is 9/8 so I know how that is”. He said I didn’t empathize but to me, I did cus I related so I’m confused. Did I over empathize? I don’t get it 😩
Hi, Kyia. You're asking an excellent question. I honestly should make a brief video about this topic because I've done it like that as well. I don't have all of the details and all of the moment-to-moment timing of your conversation but it sounded like it might have been a time to just continue in more of a pure listening mode for a while and wait a lot longer before bringing up your mom's passing. You could have, for example, briefly remembered what it was like to lose your mom but not yet mention it aloud yet in the conversation. Internally, that would have helped you put yourself in his shoes emotionally. You'd _relate_ to his loss in your head but not in the conversation (just yet). Maybe ask more follow up questions/prompts like "Tell me more," or "What other feelings does that bring up?" or other brief prompts like that. Sometimes, that can be accomplished with just "uh huh," or "I hear you" and some genuine empathetic eye contact that'll allow them to keep talking as long as they need to. Essentially, just listen and empathize until it's getting clear that he's processed it all for a good long while. It can feel to others as if we've jumped into the conversation too soon or as if we have changed the subject if we share our experience before the other person is all done sharing theirs. If it were me, I'd even then double-check, before putting the attention on me. "Do you want to keep talking about it?" or, "I have something to share that this is bringing up for me but I want to be sure you keep listening to you until you're ready." Or, "Would it be too soon if I talked about what this is bringing up for me?" And, then, just make sure the conversation still essentially sticks to what he's been sharing. So, keep your talking turn brief and then relate back to his experience. Like, "I'm not sure if this relates but when my mom passed, I felt a deep sense of loss that . . .[details go here] . . . is that how your situation feels for you right now?" It might, in other words, be an issue of listening and empathizing longer (possibly a lot longer) without yet sharing your story until he's truly done sharing and processing. It's a bit like therapy, really. A therapist listens 95% of the time and his/her prompts and questions are short and the conversation is virtually always about the client. Sorry for the long answer. This is all a really really important aspect of empathy.
@@alexanderlyon no worries about the long reply. It was thorough & I understood. It was difficult cus it was over text but in the future, in person I will take note of what you have suggested. Thank you so much! I have checked out your empathy & listening videos too. I appreciate what you’re doing. God bless you!
Ah, over text. That does change the dynamics even more. God bless you too.
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