What Does Trauma Look Like In Relationships
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ก.ย. 2023
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Man, I feel like crying right now.
doit
We all do
Crying cleans the soul. Just let it flow
You're allowed
As long as you are able to cry you are not dead inside, good.
It means you haven't fell deep enough to the point of not being able to cry anymore.
Two traumatized people with different reactions to trauma is a riot in a relationship 😅🥲
Or a death sentence if you pick someone prone to extremely unpredictable and violent outbursts
Traumabonding sucks so hard.
@@thelordcommander5 that's not what "trauma bonding" means. it's when a victim bonds/ emphasizes with their abuser _(more similar to Stockholm Syndrome)._ what you're talking about is "bonding over trauma"
@@Heyu7her3 that is also not trauma bonding. that's not 'like stockholm', that IS stockholm.
trauma bonding is when two (or more) victim bond over shared trauma. Like for example, there was this brother/sister pair that essentially started a longstanding incestous relathionship because they both got badly SA's by their uncle, and felt like they couldn't talk to anyone about it except eachother and that escalated into a full on relationship.
it didn't end well, the family found out and tried to split them up and the brother ended up ending his own life over it. Because death was preferable to seperation for him.
@@Heyu7her3yeah no I'm not sure where you got that definition of trauma bonding from
It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy then 😅
it's so avoidable tho
@@abrahamlincoln7907 yes, for people aware of their thoughts and traumas, which a lot of them sadly aren’t 😅
@@kewoshk then those ppl prolly shouldn’t be in relationships if it’s gon be toxic, like get a therapist and fix yo own issues before you get into a relationship
@@abrahamlincoln7907 yeah, I agree 100% 👍
@@abrahamlincoln7907you can't work on relationship problems if ur not in a relationship
Worse depressions I had after a period of feeling great. I kinda dig myself into it.
Ah.
Sometimes I don't even wanna have a period of happiness bcse I know it will be worse when I'm back to sadness
Nah, 🗿
Look into bipolar man, it might help you
That's not your fault. It's not you digging yourself into a pit. be careful with that mindset man, it will drive you from happiness❤
My ex-husband would constantly tell me that he didn't think I really loved him and that our entire relationship was a prank I was pulling on him. Then he cheated on me 🙃
I am so sorry
hardest example of projecting from the husband
I'm sorry. I went through the same thing. It's weird that you use the word prank though because my ex also called it a game, and it wasn't just me in on it, he blamed everyone I knew as well
That's called schizophrenia 😮
Polsers
Me and my enormous abandonment issues in the corner: 🙂
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One of the things that is really fucked up is the fact that a lot of the time in "uneven relationships" (where one person puts in a lot more effort, money, time, etc.) The person who is *receiving* is more likely to end things.
I have a somewhat toxic tendency to always try to be the one who loves more. No matter how much you love me, I need to love *you* more because I'm afraid that if I don't give back more than I get, then you'll leave. That fucking sucks though, for the person on the receiving end, because I set this unrealistic standard that no one should ever hold themselves to (even myself)
As someone on the receiving end, thank you for justifying my overwhelmed state. I feel like I had to stay in the relationship no matter how unhappy I was cause of all the excessive gifting, servicing and hyoer obedience I was being given.
I want to be challenged and encouraged to make difficult yet rewarding life decisions. I couldn't handle his "24/7 butlering" to kill my ambition to do something myself, and enjoy the fruits of the labour. And the worst part is if I wanted to be happy with him, I'd fundamentally have to change his personality completely. Being kind, sacrificial and selfless is a huge part of his identity.
It's a really hard pill to swallow, but I had to initiate breaking things off even after being so sweet to me. I hope this helps you gain some perspective.
@@taskeen777
So many relationship problems i keep hearing about these days seem to allude to a disregard of a very basic yet very important part of any healthy dynamic between people: Communication is key.
You could just sit down with him and express all the concerns you wrote in your comment here. You say hes naturally a very providing and generous person, yes? Well then how about you make use of that in telling him how important it is for you that he gives you those very qualities, and help him understand just how important they are to you? Of course, if you've already done that and genuinely tried to make things work to no avail, then It's understandable.
It's just really dissapointing for me to see how in so many relationships these days, atleast one person always has one foot out the door mentally. That hurts everyone.
I have an anxious attachment style (working on it) and the whole giving/bending over backwards for other people is a super toxic trait that I need to temper. It's weird cuz people don't really think of being overly giving and loving as toxic, but it definitely can be if you aren't emotionally equipped for dealing with that "giving" nature not being reciprocated.
There's definitely a sweet spot.
@michaelbennett6517 Something that broke my heart was that when my GF and I got close to breaking up, she said "I don't know if it's possible for me to love as much as you do". Not "love *you* as much as *you love me*", but just in general. The fact that I would bend over backwards to please her and show affection constantly made her feel guilty, not because she didn't love me, but because the standard I set was just unhealthy and unrealistic.
@@Langtw Yup totally. I made my ex my obsession, and it ended up demanding too much out of her. Love in general is a tricky thing.
I'm glad to hear you two worked it out! The definitions of love can be super tricky to agree on between two people as well which is what looks like was part of the problem between you two.
This actually understands psychology on a super intellectual level honestly, I can’t help but watch his videos and realise everything he says is so relatable, honestly I’m greatful for this guys content and it makes me feel less alone in such a big world knowing others people understand the reason we do things
Or your trauma causes you to pick someone so toxic y'all can't work it out or stay together.
Yup...I traumabonded like this.
true
Lol, Michael, is that you ex hubby of mine? 😅
It’s tough and then you feel like you’ll never really find someone or connect long term cause you can never trust and it turns into this again
Yeah...
I hid myself away from even TRYING to connect to anyone for close to six years after i thought i'd finally found someone following over a dozen rejections, only for them to blatantly use me and run away.
Nearly cost me my relationship with my unbelievably awesome fiance because even after we'd been together for over two years i used to get doubts about what if i'm not good enough, what if i drive her away... i didn't realize just how badly a 60 second short could hurt me, but here we are.
I mean, this literally happened with my ex girlfriend and myself. She would randomly send these long block texts about feeling like I was going to leave, even when things were going really well. She'd constantly ask if the was repeating the same joke too much and apologizing when she didn't need to. It really started messing me up and attraction did start being lost on my end. It feels really bad but her insecurity eventually compounded into us breaking up.
damn... i hope you expressed to her that it was her insecurity and not her
Are you sure you never did or said anything that would make her feel insecure and distrusting of you?
@@onthelam6316 @onthelam6316 it's obviously difficult to say but I'm not inclined to think so. Generally she was a much more outgoing person, more willing to speak her mind. I suppose it's possible she read in between the lines of my lack of reply / silence from me (a neutral state backed with no intent) as a hostile thing. As I'm writing this I can remember her mentioning me staring off or just listening a couple times, but that's just something I enjoy doing. I appreciate someone's company in silence and I expressed that I was listening and still engaged, not ignoring, when she brought it up. This isn't to say I'm not at fault, since clearly she was seeing or feeling something that was causing her concern. I do think something I'm good at is introspection and being aware of how every little action I make can be perceived, so I always try my best to actively prevent ambiguous statements or actions.
@@onthelam6316 damn you really blaming him there is such a distrust to men in the society
@@Tennosoul for good reason most of the time, sad to say ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I've recently left my first relationship and it was honestly painful. He would always say things like 'I look at other men' constantly and I'd be so hurt and confused. I genuinely don't have time to cheat and I couldn't take it anymore. I genuinely loved him so much but it was better if I hadn't stayed. Currently trying to recover and it's been pretty hard.
As a guy who has done this to my girlfriends in the past, that really fucking sucks and I'm sorry about that. Currently going to therapy. Learning to accept and trust unconditional love is litteraly the scariest thing for guys like us cuz in my case I was always treated like shit. "I'm good enough? Don't say that to me!!! I've never been told that, it's too unfamiliar." Get the picture? Lol
@@apsoypike1956Never use your trauma as an excuse for shitty behavior, if you want to overcome it and behave better. It's like walking in a circle. I've been beat for no reason as a child, just out of the blue, bam! I've been shunned at schools as well. I recognize that. I behave like an idiot with no regard for others and I accept it, but I also see that I cannot blame it on my PTSD.
I'm sorry that this happend to you. Glad you got on the path of recovery, may you heal and feel life.
Have been on both sides of the coin. Traumabonding sucks. Now on the road of recovery as well.
I wish you strength, peace and love.
@@thelordcommander5 Thank you so much
My gorgeous psychologist sister has overlooked red flags in every relationship because she’s too empathetic, and it breaks my heart for both of them (sometimes.)
Sometimes she will pick someone who’s just genuinely a hurtful and selfish person, but there’s been times that it was clear that whoever she was dating was just hurting.
I’ll never forget one man in particular. He likes playing cards and lost his pack when someone stole his suitcase. She saw a cool (very nice) pack she thought he’d really like and got it for him. He loved it… and almost immediately started questioning her. Is she being nice because she’s leaving him? What does she want in return? Is she pretending to care? When she going to start being mean? It didn’t enter his mind that a gf is supposed to do nice things for no other reason then caring for him. He was never mean, but he couldn’t get over it. He ended up breaking up with her, and I felt so bad for both of them because I knew she was falling for him (from what I saw and heard, he was a very sweet, intelligent man), and she genuinely cared. He simply couldn’t accept or see why “someone like her” would care about him.
I also knew a girl who thought that if a man doesn’t get possessive and controlling, he doesn’t truly love her. She told me “he’s never even hit me!” I stared at her in silence for what felt like a full minute. “J… That’s a GOOD THING!” She replied “No because that means he doesn’t have strong feelings for me.” Like… wtf. That’s how her dad and ex-bf showed “love,” so that’s how it’s supposed to be, right? No one but her can break that thought process; her friends and kind, caring bf couldn’t convince her otherwise.
It’s such a vicious cycle, and it’s so hard to break free. It’s really sad to watch too.
I hope both of them are in a better place now!
ufff, wish U all the best
@FlyingMonkies325 how is it baffling? It's honestly quite sadly normal to expect to be treated the way your parents treated you/modeled treating each other.
As a guy, I still have hope that unconditional love for me exists, but I become more unconvinced as time goes on. So God bless your sister and thanks for sharing.
That said, I genuinely do feel like women like your sister are becoming more and more rare. They're becoming very hard to find.
It breaks my heart that someone would expect to be abused when they're loved.
"IT'S THE GOOD STUFF THAT HURTS IN LIFE".
This is why I don't even bother with relationships in the first place. I'm just too broken, and I know I'd end up being a shitty partner for this very reason. The amount of loss I've experienced as a kid has just made accepting love not even worth it to me anymore. Better to have not loved at all than to have loved and lost
Better to stay alone rather than with wrong person
Boy, this sounds like me when I was young. I'm not about to feed you toxic positivity, just here to say that recognizing your behavior patterns is a HUGE step. Don't discount that. It took me til my 40s to find someone who supports me, but also to become wise enough to be in a relationship without freaking out and letting the abandonment issues take over. Do they still happen? Yes, in the oddest of ways. But I recognize them, I talk it out with my boyfriend, and he's infinitely patient and supportive and we work it out. And in the meantime I keep moving toward working myself out.
This clip is talking about people who keep repeating the same patterns without recognizing or trying to fix themselves. You're neither of those. If you were, you wouldn't be here. The relationship part? Bah. We feel like we're supposed to follow some kind of timeline, and feel shame when we "fail" at some milestone. You don't need to be perfect to be loved by people, you don't need to be perfect...and if you don't feel ready to love or be loved? Whole life ahead of you, and the blessing of it is, you NEVER know what's gonna happen.
(This is coming from someone who "foresaw" at 14 that she'd be alone forever, and fully believed it for decades. But whatever stage you're at, no shame and no comparing! ❤)
@@veryberry39 I agree with you a lot, having had my first relationship be with someone with serious abandonment issues and bipolarity, it was a struggle. At 17, i got to feel and learn so many new sensations and things, i became so much better, but the tug on my sanity and the obsession we developed for each other turned so strong it was self destructive and destructive for the other person at the same time. And we didn't even get to have a proper break-up, because she couldn't face me saying something like that, she eventually figured out, during one of her depressive states which switch around every few months, that if she tried and we got together again after having caused the most traumatic sequence of events for me, even if we both wanted to, which we did, it would eventually fall apart fundamentally and it wasn't possible. No amount of love for eachother would generate the self-love we both needed, it was horryfing to settle with the idea that she never said "i don't love you anymore", rather, it was a slow burn of silence that churned my anxious mind and destabilized me in a way it would make me be happy because as she said she was just going through a difficult time with her mental health and we'd be back together soon, and other times i would feel so anguished because maybe i was living a lie and pretending that it's all good and we are getting back together eventually. In the span of more than a year, i got to conclusions, i changed perspectives, i cried so many different times having so many different views on the situation. 3+ years later, i finally broke up with her, not in real life, but in my mind. I made peace with the fact that we couldn't work it out no matter how much i wanted to, and that was okay. I never developed hate for her, just frustration. I just wish she would've confronted me and told me we can't be. Anyways, just wanted to say that i resonated with your words.
Giving up will always be an option, but trying to find something that is a basic human need is worth trying maybe.
@@veryberry39 they're going to cheat and leave, you're just delusional. We aren't.
These Dr. K shorts always seem to come at the worst times 😭😭 very much appreciated though!
“It’s the good stuff that hurts in life” That line hit harder than it should’ve
This guts me... I don't mean to be so insecure in my relationships I just get so scared and when things feel like they're going "too well" it feels like, without fail, something bad always happens. Especially with my deep fear of rejection and abandonment issues I got from my mom. I start feeling like I'm being eaten alive from the inside and if I don't express those feelings, I start getting "unstable" by crying and detaching myself from my loved ones. I end up sharing that I feel like people will be better off without me, they can be happier with someone else who doesn't think these thoughts. That everyone in my life deserves someone better than me. Maybe it's also an inferiority complex I have. I don't know. All my friends are so kind and nice to me, I feel as if I don't deserve that. A reason for this could be I was in a horribly abusive romantic relationship at one point in my life and I thought everything of them and that I deserved the mistreatment because they're better than me. More attractive, had more friends, and was so talented, yet was so horrible to me and isolated me a lot then. They ended up cheating and even though that ended it, it felt deserved then... Gross.
I would suggest looking into fearful avoidant, or disorganized attachment style.
no tldr?
man just exlpained how my last relationship ended perfectly, I've now avoided seeking a partner for 8 years because I hate the person I become when I'm with someone -.- just an irrational jealous delusional mess
Theres another psychologist i follow...okay pardon the total lack of capitalization and punctuation. This app is so screwed up on my phone and im tired of correcting. I promise im actually literate, im just also really tired. ><
Anyway. Shes brought up several times how our abandonment wounds get most activated when we become intimate with someone, and it was the first time i realized i wasnt just a nutcase. Because yeah, im 100% okay with my friends. But the minute id start dating someone, i turned into an absolute train wreck and i could not figure out WHY. Jealousy, fear, anger...all of it subconscious self-sabotage because im so terrified of being abandoned that if i catch it first, somehow thats supposed to make it easier.
You can heal your attachment style. It takes work, but you can do it. Please look into attachment theory. It'll help not just your ability to relate romantically if you ever wqnt to again, but will help change how you see and relate to yourself.
@@veryberry39 the self-sabotage yes! I am extremely prone to that too I'm glad I'm not the only one I'll search around for the video you mentioned thanks :)
@@ItsAsparageese I will also look into this thanks for your comment :)
This. I usually never care, probably happy go lucky 90% of the time but, it was very different when I was in a relationship. To the point it was too much even for myself. Both me and my girlfriend messed up in many ways and when everything was said and done, I felt replused to how emotional I was when I was never that way.
imagine being like this and meeting a great guy giving u love unconditionally, treating you right and shit , only for him to turn toxic 5 months in because he "got bored" (as in his previous relationshipsk. can't decide between trauma or narcissistm, I'll take both 🤠
I was exactly this and I still feel so much guilt, shame and grief for hurting my former partners. I was an Asshole. I did not know love and it still feels unreal. I feel afraid to give myself in a relationship and I feel afraid that I end up hurting and hurting another person again like I did when I was younger. I feel afraid of myself so I drove them away or I left and locked myself away. I can hardly imagine me loving someone unconditionally or receiving love because of my past. If someone does treat me normal, I feel like: what's the catch? Where is the other shoe? You're lying. This cannot be because I have not received it in the past, I won't receive it now or in the future. This is trauma and trauma lies. I know this rationally, but telling that to my inner child takes time and work. I try to ask myself what-if-questions, like: What if I am able to heal? What if I'm able to love and accept love? What if, despite my past, I AM loveable? Because I am not the same person of 4/5 years ago.
This same feeling but in reverse for me. I felt all those "unconditional love can't be for me" and "she's gunna leave" so instead of committing, I just got what I could and ran before they had the chance to hurt me.
I used to have feelings and insecurities like this in relationships and it became so annoying that I just did a 180 and went from being constantly afraid that my partner was going to leave, to picking partners (unconsciously) that I knew I was going to leave eventually. It was just easier to accept it that way and go out with people I didn't like enough to ever want to stay with them so when they left, it was almost a relief for me.
I could never get over my abatement issues, and that mixed with clingyness and pour comunaction ended it, and I've been alone for almost seven years.
I find myself subconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop. I got really lucky with my second partner and also lots of talks, explaining and time on my own to try and figure the feelings out.
They aren’t completely gone for sure but it’s so much better than it used to be.
The same can apply to friendships. I've tried to support people who would turn almost every conversation into how terrible they are and how they drive people away. I've tried to prove them wrong but it's difficult to maintain a relationship that is constantly draining you, and they see the one time you don't invite them along as more evidence they're right than all the times you did. I want to support them, because they suffer more from it than me, but I have no idea how.
the worst emotional crashes I've had is when I've been broken up with. Been out of my last relationship for the last 3 and a half years and I'm still trying to get myself back to that level of not hating myself before that relationship.
sadly why i left my last girlfriend and i loved her
😊
You’re not alone I just did the same about a week ago:( I’m sad as hell rn but I’m sure I’ll get through it. So will you buddy:)
@@foofoocuddlyphoo7232 im over it more so still comes back but its bittersweet when i think on it its been lil over a year i’m better today then i ever couldve been we all make choice we just pray their right
Good for you
Tell her this. Even send her the video. Shit, I send videos of Dr.K to my husband all the time lol
Having this happen to me and watching it play out in real time and hearing you say this is just so much
"It's the good stuff that hurts in life" ~ Dr. K
It’s unreal how true this is. Even in my own relationship this is a problem even I have to personally work through with my partner because, it’s a mechanism that has been built in place to protect you mentally but because you become so unfamiliar with genuine love and care that it also becomes self destructive because you are constantly thinking something bad is going to happen, you read into every detail of what they are doing and it very is a big challenge to face that constantly, for both parties.
Also communication is key as while your own mindset is always looking for issues sometimes the partner is unaware of certain triggers that can cause such thoughts to spiral and they get put in that line of fire.
I’ve personally used a certain line in my head to personally help me when I start spiralling is “benefit of a doubt” which in on itself doesn’t help it’s the way you have to look at it, this isn’t professional advice but simply what has worked for me.
Benefit of a doubt. Always give the person a benefit of a doubt as they may not be aware or have good intentions. Stuff happens but it’s how you deal with the lows that matters.
This dynamic is one of the main themes in Good Will Hunting and it made me cry
It's happening to me right now.
I just simply to refuse to believe in real love because I'm constanly scared of the catch that may occur later.
There is no such a thing as unconditional love lol
Not even I have been able to explain my relationship like the Dr just did. That “role play” he did by himself was on point damn
This came up in fights with my wife the first couple of years. She would say “your going to leave me”
me: No I’m not
Her: then I might leave you
Me: Ok then I will have to stock you for the rest of your life. I will be outside your house when you leave in the morning and I will go to the same restaurants you do every day.
We eventually got over that and now have been happily married for 28 years.
Tbh, I know you meant that in a kind if loving way, but I would have left you for the stalking comments. That shit is not funny nor romantic, it's just frightening.
@skarbuskreska I can say after the conversation I knew I got my point across that I would not be the one leaving the relationship. But it was obvious that it could have been done in a better way.
@@skarbuskreskalmao you have no context to the situation, but hey you keep telling people what to do on your high horse
@@JayCantSwimyou get it
@@ecospider5 Naw, you did the right thing. I'm not one for confirmation bias but...I mean you have been married for 28 years. Meanwhile that person is afraid of their own shadow.
As someone with BPD... this is like fear of abandonment, being paranoic and impulsive feels like...
Have had friends like that before. Can only hope they got better.
"All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss." - _Last Kiss_ (Swift, Taylor)
That's why I've never been in an actual romantic relationship. When I gave my own to my family and my friends, they abandoned me literally or metaphorically. I'm too easy to leave, and I've been so burned out by the people in my live that I don't see the point of personal relationships in general.
I think "I love you" with no "because" attached is true beauty. Still can't believe it myself sometimes.
My ex did that.
He destroyed his opportunity at a better life.
The worst thing is that he was so abusive and blamed me for it all.
He literally yelled at me that i "ruin everything" & proceeded to destroy it all himself...
I feel like I did this with my ex...I gave him unconditional love and he trusted me, but then when he gave the same thing to me I couldn't believe it. Although he liked he best friend and me at the same time, so I always felt like he would leave eventually and that he didn't really love me and that I wasn't what he wanted, although he stayed with me for so long. I'm still confused. I know I pushed him away, but I'm trying to figure out if he was actually trying to work on making me secure, or was just half-assing it and I was gaslit or something...
When this Man speaks, other man start to tear up, it kinda hurts and feels good to be understand...
Yeah that’s basically me. It’s hard but I’ve been working on it.
This is too real for XQC
I love it when it's projection... My ex kept saying I would cheat eventually, while I am the most loyal mf to exist. She ended up cheating on me, so her fear existed because she knew people were capable of that shit because SHE was capable of doing it.
I don't know how I am going to trust someone in my next relationship... I know I can trust myself, I know someone else can trust me. Why can't I just fucking trust someone?
SO ON POINT!!!!!, This strucked so close to home is scary.
It actually loops pretty good too
All is about trust. Be open at the very beginning and be spoken.
Sometimes, I remember that everything that happened was all my fault, and then it becomes clear why I'm alone.
That's betrayal of trust. Worst thing you can do.
Best clip from that whole session❕
I feel like I don't want to be with anyone anymore, losing her is the most painful stuff I've ever experienced
that's just 💯 truee goddamm😭
Had an ex like that. The constant insecurity was completely draining so I eventually left. I am now trying to overcome my own paranoia because I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells and overexplain things. I became conditioned to worry about what people might think or misinterpret. She's convinced I used her and never loved her, which is a shame. I hope she gets better and has a great life.
If you told her that her insecurity won't push you away from her then I understand why she might think those things. I'm having a hard time being able to recognize if my ex ever loved me since she said I was never too much for her, until one day I was.
It's why I don't know if I even believe in long-term promises or contracts.
@@diego032912 Oof, I hear you. Trouble is , when insecurity leads people to feel the need to ask "do you promise to never leave" or "are you cheating" or "how can I trust you will be loyal" or something like that. It puts the other person in an impossible spot because an honest person is going to give the same answer as a dishonest person. So no answer is going to satisfy, it's only going to breed further paranoia.
No one wants to say to that person, "I might end up leaving you, hard to tell what the future holds". You may as well have said "I don't like the idea of loyalty" even though that's not at all what's meant.
Perhaps a better answer (just thought of this while typing) would be "I am not one for cheating, I find my own integrity and loyalty important for my own sense of self-respect. I also have no intension of leaving you. I'm here now because I want to be hear. If I didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't be with you. So as long as you don't keep overstepping boundaries of mine, learn to trust my honour and recognise when I tell you you're triggered, so you can give us both space until we can be in a better, loving frame of mind and have a mature conversation about it, then I shall stay with you."
That way you've said I'll stay if you respect my boundaries, then if they are having a constantly hard time and leave, it can be because you overstepped boundaries, not because they were lying.
I’ve been waiting years to hear this explained directly. Thanks doc 🤘🏽😔
Bro just explained my current situation and I should just stop
Mad respect to this man for seeking out the audience that needs to hear the things he says. Keep 'er going brother
Hmmm, I love this guy :). Suddenly starting popping up like half. Year ago or so. Good stuff.
Dammit Dr k. I'm a loving and respectful person and I refuse to be treated with any less respect than I give. 90% of people range from horrible to opportunists and just plain dumb, blind followers of others. Especially, one part of society that is absolutely neurotic in needing to play some due to societal pressures. It is very hard to even consider letting people in.
This is why I have so much apprehension to date again. Despite having only been cheated on in relationships I still have the notion in my heart that they were just bad and not the one for me... but the trauma makes me fearful that I'll just be widly suspicious and jealous in my future relationships. The feeling of hurting someone I love is paralyzing me, despite the fact that I desire connection but fervently avoid serious relationships
Three decades of my life right here
That's a self fulfilling prophecy.
I wish I could forget the feeling of abandonment. That devalued feeling. It’s life altering in the worst ways. I used to wake up and want to rule the world just for her. Now I wonder if I will even have a family. Now I wonder what I am doing with my life because I made many important decisions with her in mind. In fact I made all my decisions with her in mind. I experienced much of my life with her.
Now it’s just me and since everything had her influence, her being gone caused so much pain. It made life seem meaningless. I’ve become judgmental towards women. I don’t want to be. I no longer believe that there is a good woman out there for me. I know these are just my thoughts hurting me and not her and not anyone else. I’m trying. But it doesn’t end.
I ended things with her. I couldn’t take feeling second anymore. I started to believe that I just loved her more than she loved me. I still do. But I still have dreams about her. About a family. About a future. Rekindling. I’ll never unsee what I have seen. These once called dreams are now my nightmares. They only make me sad when I wake up in the morning. I remember I think I went 4 months straight without a full nights rest. Only time I slept was when I dreamed of her. Some were good and some were bad. They all made me sad.
All because I loved someone more than they loved me. How foolish of me
So so real life is too complicated but the unknown of death and the possibility of an afterlife instills too much fear for me to end it
Legit one of the deepest realisations I had and what helped a lot with my abandonment issues was that, at least when it comes to a relationship, no matter how hard you believe you try, or how badly you want to make something work, how much you are willing to sacrifice, in the end of it all, if someone wants to leave, then they will leave. And there is nothing you can do about it. Once I saw this reality stare at me right in the eyes, while I sat in the mental hospital, it fundamentally changed how I see relationships. In an odd way it was freeing. I was able to let go of the games, or trying to get someone to want or love me.
Main point is everybody: if someone wants to be in your life, be apart of your life, they will be. If someone doesn’t, then they won’t.
Do the things you love doing on your own. you’ll always have that as a certainty.
can't have a broken heart if you live life without one
I've been on the receiving emd of that behaviour, twice. Amd it goes exactly like that: at some point I try to show them what they're doing, but they get defensive and tell me I'm just leaving them. If no proof whatsoever would be enough, there's no reason to insist, so yeah, I leave, because at some point that behaviour, that mindset, it becomes an EXCUSE to not give me love and care in returj but to only ask for more. They become a black hole
Good things hurts the most
Goes hard
Healing from multiple childhood traumas is a long and difficult process. It takes a lot of work to not be what he is describing. Good communication and the ability to apologise is positive in the relationship.
God, xQc really contributed a ton to this conversation. Deep, meaningful, thoughtprovoking insight into the nature of love and life. Truly inspirational.
This was sarcasm he's an emotionless pit.
😂 if it was anybody else, you wouldnt care
Pretty much sums up what having BPD is like
Exactly what I'm going through right now!!!
My mother in law has a habit of hitting the kids or pets often. When I asked my husband he said that's how she showed her affection.. 😢
I'm so afraid of what I'll become, because I was in a relationship I loved so much for almost 6 years and he cheated on me and left me almost two months ago. This person was the first person in my life who gave me unconditional love and support and now I'm left in this mess. I'm scared this will scar me for life, I'm so disappointed in him, I'm sad for the life we were planning and have to leave behind now and on top of that I just miss and love him wholeheartedly
I have never cried in 10 years ever since my grandma passed away. Then, it happened.
This is soo me. Also i don't know why i need appreciation in a relationship. Like if i help them i don't want them to praise but remember it, sometimes saying genuinely nice stuff that no one cared otherwise i get paranoid and that's when i feel like they don't love me aymore and boom self sabotage. Also i literally like people who doesn't like me idk why. Maybe i don't wanna commit to them?🤔
I went through the opposite. Put up with sm but have no one so I accepted it. Then drove her away by being a pos because I was incapable of coming to terms with the fact the only person in my life gave no shits abt me. Clarity is a breath of fresh air.
I will probably always feel this way. When I am waiting on the other shoe to drop, it seems like it never does. Maybe because I am always focusing my attention on it so it will tread water. But the MOMENT I let my guard down, boom problem. And its not even JUST with relationships. It's everything. The second I get even slightly comfortable, something bad happens... every... single... time.
XQC just sitting there in silence like most of his react “content”.
Not the time or the place.
This is so true...
"Can we say I _have_ self-fulfilling prophecy?"
this is so true fr
Damn, that was totally a toxicity I've done
The other shoe anxiety is real, same way working somewhere that is not run like a toxic family.
Oh man. Finally someone is talking about this
Well said
Nothing is unconditional though. If I cheat, you leave, well fidelity looks to be a condition😅
I hear you.
I believe love is unconditional but relationships (people with access to you enough to hurt you) are not.
Those relationships need a majority of shared values & decisions made together on a vision of a life together.
If those ideals are breached, often the access has to end. The tough part is that the love can still be there. That’s the unconditional part of love that can really hurt.
I’ve had to leave more people that I’ve loved in life, than I was able to stay with.
I feel personally attacked
Him thinking about treating Sammy like shit and realizing he’s a monster lol
But how can we deal with someone like that?
I would love to have a conversation with Dr K!
You say ‘hey’ one time and boom- escalation station 😂
This one cuts deep 😬
My last relationship was like that she said I'm gonna leave her as early as our first week and after a year i just couldn't keep on with it....and now i truly can't comprehend a relationship anymore
Where is the full interview!?
I'm not sure how to help but he's called xQc, like on the label below him.
Ya, from my experience from my father agree. He has trauma gave me trama. Now he go ha son is overreacting i always knew he didn't love. My father was even semi aware of it admitted to pushing people away. He never had the strength to stop.
Haven't hat the courage to go up and talk yo a woman in 3 years.
I thought he'll say, "Well, Santa has limitations.. Santa only give gifts at night."😅
Words of truth. Dating as a divorcee at 43, I meet alot of mid-30 year old ladies. To put it bluntly, alot of them are broken souls. They have been hurt and traumatized and don't dare love someone so deep again. And when they don't love so deep, I get the idea they're disinterested until they message me days later asking me why I'm not asking them out.
The best love I got was actually from this babe who might be an 8.5 or 9. She has never been hurt or dumped. Only she gives guys the boot. So it never crossed her mind she'd be dumped or be cheated on. It lasted 1.5 years and let me tell you, it was the best feeling being loved with a hot woman unreservedly. You won't know it until you've tried it.