Absolutely love this video and your honesty throughout your response to the letter! It's never easy to be so fully honest with oneself after experiencing trauma, taking the time to analyze your own thoughts and emotions is so important. ❤🩹
I'm so impressed with the writer. She was so honest about something so terribly intimidating and embarrassing. Being messed up is not her fault but her maturity in facing this problem is 100% a result of her actions. What an honorable human! 💛
It can be hard sometimes to tell peoples’ intentions. Sometimes when we are so starved for connection, we mistake people just being polite and friendly as interested romantically. Been there, done that. It just made the other person uncomfortable and I was torturing myself with a limerent relationship because I didn’t feel worthy of a real connection. To the viewer who wrote in, I pray you have the strength to make it through it, because it is a form of addiction.
I think at work if a man is friendly you can think they are flirting and maybe they are but its just an ego boost for them and they want to take it no further ( esp men in relationships)
I've done this repeatedly for years. I didn't know what I was doing was taken as flirting. I finally was yelled at by a woman and she explained the different ways I could be perceived as flirting. Whoops
@@paulmryglod4802Some people are just flirty by nature, but you have to think as you say a woman has said what you were doing that maybe think what you are doing? Esp if a woman is lonely she will take it the wrong way.
I learned this years ago .. I started working somewhere and the manager was super attentive to me and would stop what he was doing to help me or come work on what I was to talk to me..I noticed though that the more personal my questions got, he would then try to include our coworkers into the convo. Since I have pretty good social skills I intuited that there was a reason he was putting space between us, and I took the hint. He then began mentioning his fiancé here and there. I realized he was just a really friendly guy and I totally misinterpreted his kindness for flirting. I don’t think he was ever flirting at all. I know men experience this with women a lot and it’s the same for women with men. Now days I don’t assume anyone is romantically interested until they make it clear.
@@thecommonsensecapricornMy ex Manager really made it plain to me ( gifts, making remarks about how he liked my figure) he was married and it was a tiny shop i worked in, when i got a boyfriend he changed and he started to bully me, he knew i was not in to him that way and he didn't like that, he started seeing another woman at our shop and left his wife but 9 years later he still jumps between the two women. You get preditors at work place also.
I experienced this at a low point in my life, BUT the guy was also a player. That happens too and I think emotionally unavailable men target women like us.
This has happened to me sooooo many times to the point I’m literally giving up on the idea of having a romantic/intimate relationship altogether. I just can’t read people. It just feels like I am here to fluff egos and nothing else.
Remember every interaction is happening between you and someone else, like a ping pong ball, the ball isn't only hitting one paddle, it is going back and forth between both. There are two egos, in every interaction.
I had awful limerance with a man I dated. We would spend hours on the phone and when our relationship became physical it was amazing. He liked me, liked the attention, liked the sex, but didn't want a relationship with me. I cut him off cold turkey and it was the best decision. He came back many times but once I decided I was done letting him use me and play with my emotions, I never engaged with him again. It was hard but WORTH IT
Well done you! I had the same but it took me almost 10 years to disentangle me from him, and I knew I knew but could not help it😢!! Now my next step is not chasing up anyone : it never works even in friendship. Trying to cool off a bit 😂
If he kept purposely bumping into her and staring at her, and slowing down the car to look at her, then he's some kind of weirdo manipulator and it was not all in her head.
Yeah, I think he was pulling some covert BS and am kinda on her side that she told him to get his married self away. Of course he would act incredulous. He was playing a stupid game.
@@thanksagainfortheteawow you’re validating something for me because I’ve always felt a bit talked down to by Anna. I’ve always liked the topics she chooses but I’d try to listen to the video and would just have to turn it off. I wondered if the issue was with me or if she really can be a bit condescending or shaming in her orientation.
As someone who works in a male dominated work place, I’ve learned to keep my distance as much as possible while still being somewhat approachable so that people aren’t necessarily afraid to talk to me. I’ve made the mistake of being too kind to nearly everyone out of some need to make everyone feel better but in the end I ended up regretting so much where I just decided to keep most male colleagues at arms length. Some people will probably say that you putting up boundaries makes you either annoying or stuck up, but if they dont respect your boundaries they probably weren’t good for you anyway.
It is not easy to navigate a male-dominated workplace, and if having boundaries at work is what makes it possible for you, so be it. The important thing would be cultivating trustworthy people outside of work. Much respect to you for finding a way to make work workable. Julie@TeamFairy
This makes so much sense of times that I thought someone was interested in me, and they acted shocked when I tried to act on it. And when I have had long-term crushes on men not daring to say anything, then find they are in a relationship already. It's always so traumatic when this happens. I just can't read romantic situations and have pretty much given up.
@ebbyc1817 I find I meet someone, interact, start having feelings, and then discover they are in a relationship. Unless someone mentions their relationship up front, it's rarely the first thing I find out about them. Often, if someone is available, I feel there's a good reason they are single and I am not attracted to them.
@@phyllidaacworth5212 I find that men often hide their relationships. It's like they want to keep their options open. I've known men who had a wife and a mistress and who were able to keep it completely secret. Their women didn't know about each other. I've never known a woman who had a husband and a lover without the lover knowing about the husband. It's weird. Maybe men are good at compartmentalizing their feelings so that they don't show.
@@ebbyc1817you don't have the best advice. We really cannot control when or who we'll be interested in. It just happens. Then you take it upon yourself to find out if they're available and go from there.
I can't tell if it is a full-blown limerence but I think that Anne is spot on. There might be some flirty energy coming from a MARRIEd guy, which does not change the fact that it is inappropriate, especially at the work place. As a single lady with a trauma/in a committed relationship you do not need to have some somebody like this near you
The first time I went through limerence, I was at a much younger age (about 22) and it was almost identical to what this woman was saying/experiencing. I was severely overweight and had 0 dating experience and thought I would never have them because of an emotional dependence on food. The guy was a "coworker", higher up than I was though and single. I was just like this woman with him, except after the fallout happened, which ended in me asking him out and him ghosting me IRL, I had a full-on psychotic break. I didn't understand how I could have imagined it. I didn't understand I was filling in meaning where there wasn't any or not the right meaning. It was humiliating. I felt completely exposed. I was labeled as completely unstable/insane and that I should have known better and I had no answers for how I got it so wrong. I couldn't trust my perceptions and that's a devastating loss to anyone who has gone through it. I thought I had been manipulated, and maybe I had, but the limerence was all mine. I looked up "erotomania" and thought that was it, but I ended up finding limerence, which was such a relief. No one I knew experienced limerence, because as mentioned in this video, being limerent is uprooting and engulfing. It's not just a "crush". The 2nd guy it happened with I could confirm was manipulative on purpose. I knew him better I had far more receipts from him. He kind of woke me up to the difference in the fantasy/vs reality, but I was still so stuck in it. I was still wishing he loved me back. Someone messing with you/playing with you to fluff their egos or get a high from temporarily deserve some of the shame limerence holds. Maybe it's an addiction for them too, just a different kind.
This letter really hit me hard. I guess I've just always had the idea that once you fund your mate, settle down and get married, that limerance situations would be less likely to happen. As a person who has never been married and hopes to marry one day, the thought that a married person could possibly feel so unhappy, or dissatisfied, or unloved in their marriage that they could develop limerance for someone else was something that was never on my radar. I know that plenty of people are unhappy in their marriages, but I guess I always had the thought in my head that once I find a good mate a get married all of my trauma issues or relationship issues would no longer be an issue and I would be happy. It's becoming obvious that I have some unrealistic expectations of marriage....and that scares me!
Definitely possible to be limerent when in a marriage or other relationship. Thank you for watching! If you want to work on stuff like this, a great place to start is Anna's DP. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Julie@TeamFairy
It is especially possible if you end up marrying someone you were limerent for, unfortunately. Someone who had red flags that you didn't see and you convinced yourself that they were the one for you only to get married and realise that you actually don't even like them. Not trying to scare you further, just saying this is definitely at play for some people who are prone to limerence.
What is limerence? GPT-4: Limerence is a term that was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book "Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love." It describes a complex set of feelings and experiences associated with deep romantic attraction and obsessive thinking about another person. Limerence is more than just a crush or infatuation. It is characterized by intrusive and obsessive thoughts about the limerent object (the person for whom one feels limerence), a desperate need for reciprocation, idealization of the limerent object, an inability to focus on anything else, emotional dependency, and extreme sensitivity to the limerent object's actions and behaviors. Limerence can also include a fear of rejection and a sense of euphoria in response to real or perceived signs of reciprocation. These feelings can last for weeks or months, or in some cases, years. It's important to note that while limerence can be intensely pleasurable when feelings are reciprocated, it can also cause significant distress when they are not. However, limerence is not universally recognized by all psychologists and is not an official diagnosis in any medical or psychological manual, such as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). It's a more subjective concept used to describe a particular range of emotions and thoughts related to romantic attraction.
I can imagine being shocked if there was no talking and suddenly one says "no contact". I would think "we never had contact"... But I understand your dilema honey and oh what you went through I know how hard that is. Loves, hugs and prayers dear soul.
I cannot thank you enough, through all these stories you are helping more people, you are definitely helping me. I'm a 26 years old woman with CPTSD who is from Latin America and cannot afford therapy right now. I just found out what is making me feel more miserable, it feels like putting on glasses for the first time and finally being able to see it as what it is, just a terrible distraction I imagined as an escape from my reality and my failed marriage.
I didn't know there was a term for this... I always put it down to my ADHD and OCD and how I can become obsessive. I have wasted years on obsessing over people with the idea that there was even some form of hope that they may like me back - when in reality it wasn't the case at all. The older I've gotten the more I've learned too and come to realise how trauma can have a great impact on your perception. We crave so much the things we were neglected as children that it becomes a drug almost to find it in anyone who shows us any little inkling of hope or love.
....and consider this, if you don't really know the person, enough to know their name or what their availability is, then you're not obsessed with them, you're obsessed with the "idea" of them.
I’m a member and I’ve been following all of Anna‘s videos. The problem with our maladaption to being attracted to unavailable people is that we are not attracted two people who are available. The limerance part of us is what’s looking to be lit up because we have a crack in our attraction /attachment process. So if a person is available, and is nice, we tend not to be attracted to them. I don’t know how to heal that but I’m working on it.
I had the need to say something about Mirandas story.. Yes maybe her abuse created it in her mind, but i want to warn women that there are men that do what that guy did, just see from Mirandas eyes for a minute, and dont think about her traumas. There are personality traits of men who do act like that, those personality traits include, men who are used to the attention from women, they are kind of men that have been getting attention from women, so they automatically think that all women are interested in them, and this turns them a subconscious flirters with age. They are so addicted to attention that when they see a woman like them, even a woman stops he acts, pushes and does certain things to get what he wants. She described a lot of men with certain personality when she said, he feeds on her for his ego, there are men who are aware of it, but most are unaware. Just saying, she didnt make it up in her mind,
This hits so hard after reconnecting with my high school crush 10 years later, who I liked secretly while I was caught in an abusive teenage relationship with someone else back then and the crush is now married. It’s been genuine hell trying to heal since the old crush reached out to me - thank you for sharing this, this helped me not feel so alone ❤
One of my favourite movies is "He's just not that into you!". 😂 one of the worst things is when people who have good intentions give you bad advice as well. Thank you for keeping it real! ❤
At 46 I have stood back now and observed myself and realised what is and what isn't. I try to retain myself and allow things to be seen for what they are. In my 20s and 30s I being codependent and empathic was very limerance led. I now feel more self assured in my 40s and men are not even a factor at all. If a goodman comes be that may it's a maybe but not a definite in my life. I come first.
When you talk my heart is smiling. You are a wonderful human being…… ❤❤❤ I have learned my self through your videos, I know my self now what I want and what I have to do. Thank you from my heart.
wrong to do is right -- re attention /interest toward married people. brings on a curse. hard pain later!!! excellent, as always, CCF. (Only 18 likes so far?!). the bartender-alcoholic analogy makes so much sense
That guy knew what he was doing. she didnt imagine his actions and he was definitely bullshitting her. Some men deflect or act surprised when called out. he knew. It wasnt imagined. I even think it was good for her to say something. It sounds like he was super obvious.. slowing the car down; him still looking after she passes and turns around.
Or it was all in her head. You do not know this person, her or him. The story is told from her point of view. The only part that sounded real to me, is the part where she actually said something and describes his reaction, the rest sounds like something out of....I don't know, some kind of weird romance novel.
@@ebbyc1817you have no way of knowing if what she described is real. Some people really do act the way she said he did. So none of us should be jumping to conclusions. Both scenarios are possible.
I don’t care he was into me or no. I haven’t chased him. I felt something special and evolved as a result of that experience ad that is all that matters.
I don’t think she read it wrong, he was just in denial. So his response was genuine - he could not acknowledge what he had been doing so he seemed surprised. I get it. I have it too. I exhaust potential partners but not as much as I exhaust myself.
The thing you write about getting exhausted by yourself , I suddenly see myself. Thank you for sharing. I have some work to do. Thank you for showing me ❤
I actually think the guy was trying to seduce her or get off on knowing he had her attention. She may be limerant, but she didn’t get there in this case on her own - he lured her. Just my opinion. I hope she heals!
Could've been an incorrect reading of his behaviour, could've been him denying the "accusations" because realistically, no one could prove anything (since it's not illegal to make eye contact and greet a coworker in a friendly way). Either way, since they really don't know each other and aren't friends or anything, there's no harm done in "scaring him off for good", if that was actually a misreading, so I guess as far as protecting her energy goes, that was the right thing to do even though it might feel embarrassing at first. Either he thinks that he should keep his distance because his behaviour came across wrong, or he thinks "hmm, she's interested, let me stay close" and then you know you were right and should really steer clear of him. Although that is easier said than done, I think it's better to know you were right...
I'm currently going through limerence with a chap at work. Newly found the CCF and already Anne has helped me see what is happening with me and how I get obsessive about guys. Only recently started having little chats after smiling and saying good morning. I was amazed this week when he called my name. I work in a very large male dominant plant. I wondered how he found out, then a colleague said he was asking her about me but he already knew my name. It has made me happy, but I'm going to shut it down as I'm building my hopes too high. I'm presuming he is with a partner? So I'm currently going through a glow up for myself. Hair and make up, eat better, but still drinking too much. I just want to be mentally healthy. I'm 54 single female. This game never seems to end as I've got hurt so many times, never married. I am craving love and it hurts. Good luck to All. ❤
Good luck to you! Turning your attention to yourself with kindness and making a better life is the right move. You've heard it before if you watch the channel, but Daily Practice can help! bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Julie@TeamFairy
❤ Thank You Anna! You, Anna brighten my women cave world! ❤ Not just the pain of injecting yourself to a destructive situation, what about the other people. The wife to that man. I'm sure if we add the wife's face to every interaction, could go a long ways. Stopping the worst that WILL happen. People; ! If you find yourself daydreaming about someone or lose your self in trying to make them notice how lovable you are, how about writing copious letters that you never give or regret giving. Or pushing your needs aside, or pushing even potential healthy partners aside, spend all your money and give valuables to buy their love, only to see a hand reaching for more, and your portion to survive is handed over. Chances are you struggle with limerence.
The amount of people lve been rejected from, by letting them know my feelings (after following others advice) has been every single time. So the people lve actually had relationships with, are the ones that approach me, and l dont really find attractive. Smh
I really feel like I’m in a similar situation if not exact same. I always appreciate your videos. Especially the ones on limerence they’ve really helped me realize that almost all of my attractions have been just mere limerence and have been able to start working on myself
Being in love. Is the not right working of the mind. All early unfortunately bad experience in ones youth if not addressed properly unfortunately is inveterate and will always come and visit depending on situations. It's a great step to seeing the truth by pointing how you feel and speak to someone rationally about these things. Basically therapy helps us see we are wounded survivors. This is an accomplishment in itself. Whoever this woman is? We have you covered here. Thanks for making me think of my own in a manner that I haven't. All the Best!!!
I really needed to hear this today. My husband of 12 years was really good at future faking in our marriage. He recently blindsided me with a very brutal discard. Hes now shacked up with the secretary from his work. I need major healing because he fooled me good
Consider it a blessing. Your best life is about to start. Feel empathy for that woman because he will abuse her emotionally as well. That future you want, you can have it, and you can build it all on your own.
I wrote a letter which I guess hasn’t been chosen to be addressed on here. That’s fine, but it follows this same theme, only in the situation I referenced, other people told me this person was into me because of how much he talked about me - to them and to people I didn’t even know, he asked me out and we went out on a date and all the while, he was simply biding his time until the person he really had feelings for was available. There were no hints or red flags, and in all of our many conversations, there was no hint that his heart was elsewhere. So, I didn’t miss any “signs” and I wasn’t going after someone I knew was unavailable. I was asking in the letter for clarity on how limerance can be so insidious that even when someone professes interest and asks you out, one can STILL be so wrong about the other person’s intentions, and STILL attract those with no genuine intention towards you. I just don’t get it. It is what makes me believe there is no healing because even when you do the exact opposite of what you had always done intending to get different results, you get the same results.
Hey! First of all, I'm sorry you experienced this. From what i'm getting, I think the guy was very unclear and dishonest towards you about what he really wants from you. Remember that that is not your fault at all. We need to let go of control because we can't control what other people should think or feel towards us. We can control our own feelings and emotions. :))
Women aren't the only ones. I’ve suffered from it at a very early age. I fell out of love with my mother because of her work; she was a smeo. I then fell in love with singers and actresses from age 8. I've had so many limerent crushes. In the real world I've been rejected 25/25 times in the past 11 years. I was married and I projected my remote mother onto my then wife. Prior to marrying her l never had a girlfriend despite trying so hard.
Happened to me for far too long after I lost my stepdad last October and having vented to a friend from work. I regret so badly how treated her. It’s like I put myself in auto pilot and let the loneliness and sadness take control. I didn’t once think of how she felt until it was too late.
Wow, this helped me a lot. I’ve been like this before with a person I thought was very narcissistic and felt addicted to him and thought he was into me because he’d text me all the time and come over nearly every day but after eight months and knowing that I felt close to him by then he turned around and told me that he wasn’t that into me and he’d had better, there were better women and he deserved better??? The guy had no personality and was grossly overweight but thought he was a prize 🏆 He sexually assaulted me three times and gaslit me relentlessly when I held him accountable for those things and it was such an odd mismatch but I hadn’t heard about limerence before and that also makes sense because I was neglected and abused emotions a child and teenager! I haven’t had contact with any of my family for ten years as I was trying to heal and they just made everything worse and so much damage. I was so lonely and felt worthless and unlovable when I met this guy and minimised what he did to have someone there to cuddle me, which is so sad but I was in a really bad way and had been homeless prior to him crossing paths with me. He really took advantage of my vulnerability but somehow I was addicted to him??? So messed up and confusing
I'm so sorry you went through all that. It sounds like a bad situation indeed. As you heal, you might like Anna's Daily Practice. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Julie@TeamFairy
After a lifetime of overt sexual harassment, it turned covert. Every make friend I would have eventually asked for sex. I would have pleasant conversations with colleagues or classmates and, yup, turned to asking for sex. I became so untrusting. Then, Mr. Limerance appeared in an old Beau that reconnected. I misread the flirting, the sex and time spent together. I asked where is this relationship going and he said what relationship? He said I made it all up, but he led me on. I cannot ever be with a man again. It crushed my nearing recovery CPSTD soul. Now, I 😊 keep to myself. It's lonely. Can't trust again.
Listening to what was said in the letter it made me wonder if this man was looking more than she expected just because she reminded him of someone, if you see someone who looks familiar it’s more likely you look at them more to figure out what differences they might have or even trying to figure out if it’s someone you really know. If he is generally a nice and friendly person he might have smiled to her with no intentions of any kind other than seeming polite and kind. I really hope she can find a way to feel all the love she needs in the relationship she already has or at least find the help she needs
I need help y’all :( I dm’d my crush a question about a show we like…he’s left me on read for two weeks :( He’s never done this before and would usually respond the next day or two at the latest. During school my friends even asked me if I caught him flirting with me one night. They don’t know I have a crush on him. They said he kept complimenting me and staring me down a lot to the point where it got awkward😅 I just kept shyly saying thank you and told them I thought he was being nice. I didn’t want to give my hopes up. After that I assumed he was interested in me so I started messaging him once a week mid semester. But he never texted me first. Yet in person he would make an effort to sit very close to me. Like our legs touching close. When hanging out with friends he always would pass the blunt to me after he took a hit and would light it for me. Though that time I fell for him but he never opened up. I’m just confused and don’t know what to do.
If a guy is interested in you, he’ll let you know in obvious ways. There won’t be anything subtle about it. Based on what you’ve written here, he sees you as just a friend. I’m sorry to be blunt, but it’s what I wish others would’ve done for me when I was in your situation. Look for someone who values you for you and never settle for scraps.🥰
@@TeamCat1128 yeah it just sucks when all I want is love. I do kind of find it rude he left me on read like that though. I just asked him a question about a show he liked and don’t think it warranted that response. I think he noticed I wanted to know more about him and decided to let me know how he feels this way :/ I asked my friends and therapist and they said he could be going through something, busy, or forgot to reply by accident and suggest I send a simple message asking if he’s okay. Part of me wants to do that but another part of me wants to jump ship all together and not send him anything. After all, it’s pretty evident he doesn’t care and no response is a response. I just hate we fell out like this because we share mutual friends that I super close with.
I would say, there are always two sides to every interaction, he's reacting to you, just as you are reacting to him. Do you respond to him in person ? If you don't , and you only DM him, then he might be wondering what that means. Is she interested ? or not. Always think like that, that there's you, and there's the other person,..two parts, to every interaction. Whatever you're doing or not doing, affects the other person, and their actions towards you, and what they do affects you. The question now is, what do you want. All your actions should be consistent with what you want. If you want someone to be consistent with you, you have to be consistent with them. Good luck.
I've been limerent over the same person for over a year now...there was intense flirting on her side, but when I reached out she proceeded to block me..I'll never see her again so I can't get any clarity..I think there are too many people 'looking for attention' out there...being a gay woman doesn't make it any easier..I wish I knew of a way to get over limerence for good
Dont get me wrong i totally am messed up, but when they text you often, send photos and then just stopped in the middle of a conversation that is truly confusing. Its someone i just spent a few hours with but i had a crush. He asked for my number. So i just have been silent. If he wants to continue he will have to reach out. I dont see much hope so i just move on now. Years ago i would have thought it was no big deal to abruptly ignore me in the middle of a texting conversation but now i do. Thankfully.
The moment you show interest is the moment they lose interest. Women are never supposed to chase men or show any attraction to them. The man should always chase you. Even if they're really into you at first, you will push them away by showing interest. It emasculates them. They need to feel like they're conquering something. Edit: I made this comment before listening to the entire letter. Just stay away from men, period. Nothing good will come of it.
WoW 😮 that explains why my ex narcissist hubby pursued me so hard for months even after I kept rejecting a date with him because he smoked! He just had to conquer me for sure! To win his desires. I was a target he used to get himself a better life!
This only applies to two types of men. The first is disingenuous men with issues that use women romantically to make themselves feel better. They either use the woman for sex or if they have at least a shred of integrity, they just back off when they realize they've taken it too far when the woman begins to show interest. The second type of men want drama and stress because thats what they are used to seeing around them while growing up and probably how they were treated. It feels natural to them. So when they continue to persist and chase like stalkers when no interest is shown, this fulfills some type of emptiness and their belief of unworthiness they have about themselves inside. Thats why they feel like they have to "conquer" and then back off when you show interest. It's basically an insecurity manifesting as being controlling in order to temporarily quell their own insecurity. If they back off, this means it was simply to quell their insecurity, and they weren't truly interested. If they continue on in a relationship with you, they often end up being super controlling and potentially narcissistic. So having this type of guy lose interest is actually in your favor. Healthy men don't feel the need to "conquer" anyone because they are already secure and confident in themselves. They have nothing to prove to themselves or anyone else. They stop all pursuit and stop showing interest in a woman if the woman does not reciprocate interest. They are direct and decisive. They leave no room for doubt about their interest by exhibiting passive behavior. They PREFER when the woman they show interest in actually reciprocates interest in return. They like things to go easily and peacefully. They ONLY show interest in a woman they really like. There are fewer healthy men out there, and you can find them by learning to spot them, which helps you turn away the unhealthy men.
@@Leoo117thank you for this much-needed level-headed pushback on the original comment which I think a lot of us women have heard repeatedly & which just confuses & discourages us.
Hey, I attract Narcissists. It was a joke they me and an ex boyfriend had one ☝️ thing in common- we both liked him! 😂 Not really that funny. 😢 There are givers in the world and takers. Maybe you can do a video on if someone gets you a 1, you respond with a 1. Not to give a 5 or 10 to someone giving a one. 😢
I'm thinking of all the times I've smiled at someone for no reason, just a pure social gesture, at work, on the street, maybe even cracked a joke, and then walked away without a second thought. This is what happens, in some people's minds ? Wow. Imagine if a man told this story, about a woman who smiled at him. That's how I feel listening to this letter. So scary. The guy in the story must have been thrown for a complete loop.
The fact he slowed his car to stare her down is creepy. I'm sure there is info out there to help people who don't have an idea of proper conduct boundaries, or what constitutes sexual innuendo at the office. Many of us have had to sit through training of this nature. So if one still has questions, there are plenty of resources to help.
@@Rut-vi7iz We hear the story from her point of view, and she was limerent. He may have been looking at her wondering why she is looking at him. Thank god she said something or he would not have known what was going on in her mind. Looking at her like she had three heads sounds about right. That part at least, she saw clearly.
@@ebbyc1817you’re completely taking his side and assuming she was wrong. You don’t know these people and weren’t there. You should have more doubt that what she’s saying might have been true. Yes she was limerent, but he could have been messing with her too. There are very flirty men like that. People of similar mental health levels tend to attract each other
@@penyarol83 There's a saying "History is told by the winners". I was actually looking at it from my point of view. If someone reacted that way to me, I would be totally freaked out. She did both of them a favour by saying something, it protects her, and him. This way, he knows to stay away from her, too.
@@ebbyc1817yeah but your initial comment described one-off interactions. The woman writing was describing a repetitive situation. Where this man stares her down, slows his car to look at her, and when she walks away and turns back he’s still looking at her. From an outside perspective this guy sounds creepy and gives off a predatory vibe.
Been here. Started a job in 2019 his blue eyes were mesmerizing. I would be cleaning doing dishes mopping then look up and hed be staring at me. I went to the bathroom one day walked past him and our hands touched and i felt lighting strike. Hed get off be off on weekends and just show up. One day he asks me repeatedly if my jacket was the blue jacket well yes apparently hed put his phone number in my jacket. Eventually it led to meeting in motel rooms and it was mind blowing i cried and after he would call me leave me sexy voicemails. It went on for over a year with the last 6 months of catching him a 57 yesr old man messing with all the new gurls at work id catch him doing it with different ones every day it got to where he broke all of our dates and ghosted me 2 times coming back I eventually quit my job I couldn’t take it anymore watching him mess with other women in front of me lied said he dropped his phone in the pool at work yea right . We tried again but he had no intention of having a relationship with me and his love for me was nothing but lust best sex ever and i had to cord cut for months to get over him to fall right into the arms of a past boyfriend that wasnt the same guy i knew 25 years ago he used me for money and when i got hurt and sick he told me i was not well enough and not able to wotk enough to take care of him snd he blocked me ghosted me after a 2 year kong relationship Now i hope to get single stay single
Like 9 1/2 weeks by Micky Rourke and Kim Basinger loved that movie limerents crumbs lol worshiped this movie for years use to watch it all the time just like I couldn’t be intimate neither all my men were like this movie but working on no heavy flirtations that’s what A is annoyed I allow this to happened for 58 years lol 😮@lorraineamicothemakeupartist
I will never go with some other peoples men nope never will disgusting I wouldn’t want this to happen to me so onto others as you want them to do to you ❤@lorraineamicothemakeupartist
Yep A limerint all my life in and out no more can’t take it it’s like a drug addict can’t do it anymore yep Anna you hit the nail on the head I’m working on it the hardest thing to do 😢@lorraineamicothemakeupartist
![ไข้ขึ้นเลย! เมื่อแฝดโดนจัดเต็มวัคซีนครบ2เดือน🤒 [cc] แดนแพทตี้ SS2 | EP.54 |](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/z2VHItnyyvY/mqdefault.jpg)
Absolutely love this video and your honesty throughout your response to the letter! It's never easy to be so fully honest with oneself after experiencing trauma, taking the time to analyze your own thoughts and emotions is so important. ❤🩹
I'm so impressed with the writer. She was so honest about something so terribly intimidating and embarrassing. Being messed up is not her fault but her maturity in facing this problem is 100% a result of her actions. What an honorable human! 💛
It can be hard sometimes to tell peoples’ intentions. Sometimes when we are so starved for connection, we mistake people just being polite and friendly as interested romantically. Been there, done that. It just made the other person uncomfortable and I was torturing myself with a limerent relationship because I didn’t feel worthy of a real connection. To the viewer who wrote in, I pray you have the strength to make it through it, because it is a form of addiction.
I think at work if a man is friendly you can think they are flirting and maybe they are but its just an ego boost for them and they want to take it no further ( esp men in relationships)
I've done this repeatedly for years. I didn't know what I was doing was taken as flirting. I finally was yelled at by a woman and she explained the different ways I could be perceived as flirting. Whoops
@@paulmryglod4802Some people are just flirty by nature, but you have to think as you say a woman has said what you were doing that maybe think what you are doing? Esp if a woman is lonely she will take it the wrong way.
I learned this years ago .. I started working somewhere and the manager was super attentive to me and would stop what he was doing to help me or come work on what I was to talk to me..I noticed though that the more personal my questions got, he would then try to include our coworkers into the convo. Since I have pretty good social skills I intuited that there was a reason he was putting space between us, and I took the hint. He then began mentioning his fiancé here and there. I realized he was just a really friendly guy and I totally misinterpreted his kindness for flirting. I don’t think he was ever flirting at all. I know men experience this with women a lot and it’s the same for women with men. Now days I don’t assume anyone is romantically interested until they make it clear.
@@thecommonsensecapricornMy ex Manager really made it plain to me ( gifts, making remarks about how he liked my figure) he was married and it was a tiny shop i worked in, when i got a boyfriend he changed and he started to bully me, he knew i was not in to him that way and he didn't like that, he started seeing another woman at our shop and left his wife but 9 years later he still jumps between the two women. You get preditors at work place also.
Pam you seem cool 😀 hope you are having a good day 😊
I experienced this at a low point in my life, BUT the guy was also a player. That happens too and I think emotionally unavailable men target women like us.
Yes!🎯
This has happened to me sooooo many times to the point I’m literally giving up on the idea of having a romantic/intimate relationship altogether. I just can’t read people. It just feels like I am here to fluff egos and nothing else.
Same. I think I’m never gonna find anyone.
Remember every interaction is happening between you and someone else, like a ping pong ball, the ball isn't only hitting one paddle, it is going back and forth between both. There are two egos, in every interaction.
I feel the same way too.
@@thanksagainforthetea the point was, be aware of your own ego, in a situation.
@@ebbyc1817what the hell
I had awful limerance with a man I dated. We would spend hours on the phone and when our relationship became physical it was amazing. He liked me, liked the attention, liked the sex, but didn't want a relationship with me. I cut him off cold turkey and it was the best decision. He came back many times but once I decided I was done letting him use me and play with my emotions, I never engaged with him again. It was hard but WORTH IT
Well done you! I had the same but it took me almost 10 years to disentangle me from him, and I knew I knew but could not help it😢!! Now my next step is not chasing up anyone : it never works even in friendship. Trying to cool off a bit 😂
If he kept purposely bumping into her and staring at her, and slowing down the car to look at her, then he's some kind of weirdo manipulator and it was not all in her head.
Yep. That’s what I was thinking
Yeah, I think he was pulling some covert BS and am kinda on her side that she told him to get his married self away. Of course he would act incredulous. He was playing a stupid game.
@@thanksagainfortheteawow you’re validating something for me because I’ve always felt a bit talked down to by Anna. I’ve always liked the topics she chooses but I’d try to listen to the video and would just have to turn it off. I wondered if the issue was with me or if she really can be a bit condescending or shaming in her orientation.
As someone who works in a male dominated work place, I’ve learned to keep my distance as much as possible while still being somewhat approachable so that people aren’t necessarily afraid to talk to me. I’ve made the mistake of being too kind to nearly everyone out of some need to make everyone feel better but in the end I ended up regretting so much where I just decided to keep most male colleagues at arms length. Some people will probably say that you putting up boundaries makes you either annoying or stuck up, but if they dont respect your boundaries they probably weren’t good for you anyway.
It is not easy to navigate a male-dominated workplace, and if having boundaries at work is what makes it possible for you, so be it. The important thing would be cultivating trustworthy people outside of work. Much respect to you for finding a way to make work workable.
Julie@TeamFairy
This makes so much sense of times that I thought someone was interested in me, and they acted shocked when I tried to act on it. And when I have had long-term crushes on men not daring to say anything, then find they are in a relationship already. It's always so traumatic when this happens. I just can't read romantic situations and have pretty much given up.
It should be the other way round, you discover they are available, you interact with them, they show interest, and then you start to develop feelings.
@ebbyc1817 I find I meet someone, interact, start having feelings, and then discover they are in a relationship. Unless someone mentions their relationship up front, it's rarely the first thing I find out about them. Often, if someone is available, I feel there's a good reason they are single and I am not attracted to them.
@@phyllidaacworth5212 I find that men often hide their relationships. It's like they want to keep their options open. I've known men who had a wife and a mistress and who were able to keep it completely secret. Their women didn't know about each other. I've never known a woman who had a husband and a lover without the lover knowing about the husband. It's weird. Maybe men are good at compartmentalizing their feelings so that they don't show.
@@ebbyc1817you don't have the best advice. We really cannot control when or who we'll be interested in. It just happens. Then you take it upon yourself to find out if they're available and go from there.
@@sophiareed8266men like that don't respect women and dont know how to connect to women. Stay away from them.
I can't tell if it is a full-blown limerence but I think that Anne is spot on. There might be some flirty energy coming from a MARRIEd guy, which does not change the fact that it is inappropriate, especially at the work place. As a single lady with a trauma/in a committed relationship you do not need to have some somebody like this near you
The first time I went through limerence, I was at a much younger age (about 22) and it was almost identical to what this woman was saying/experiencing. I was severely overweight and had 0 dating experience and thought I would never have them because of an emotional dependence on food. The guy was a "coworker", higher up than I was though and single. I was just like this woman with him, except after the fallout happened, which ended in me asking him out and him ghosting me IRL, I had a full-on psychotic break. I didn't understand how I could have imagined it. I didn't understand I was filling in meaning where there wasn't any or not the right meaning. It was humiliating. I felt completely exposed. I was labeled as completely unstable/insane and that I should have known better and I had no answers for how I got it so wrong. I couldn't trust my perceptions and that's a devastating loss to anyone who has gone through it. I thought I had been manipulated, and maybe I had, but the limerence was all mine. I looked up "erotomania" and thought that was it, but I ended up finding limerence, which was such a relief. No one I knew experienced limerence, because as mentioned in this video, being limerent is uprooting and engulfing. It's not just a "crush". The 2nd guy it happened with I could confirm was manipulative on purpose. I knew him better I had far more receipts from him. He kind of woke me up to the difference in the fantasy/vs reality, but I was still so stuck in it. I was still wishing he loved me back. Someone messing with you/playing with you to fluff their egos or get a high from temporarily deserve some of the shame limerence holds. Maybe it's an addiction for them too, just a different kind.
Strong suspicion that this guy did indeed use her as a little ego boost.
This letter really hit me hard. I guess I've just always had the idea that once you fund your mate, settle down and get married, that limerance situations would be less likely to happen. As a person who has never been married and hopes to marry one day, the thought that a married person could possibly feel so unhappy, or dissatisfied, or unloved in their marriage that they could develop limerance for someone else was something that was never on my radar. I know that plenty of people are unhappy in their marriages, but I guess I always had the thought in my head that once I find a good mate a get married all of my trauma issues or relationship issues would no longer be an issue and I would be happy. It's becoming obvious that I have some unrealistic expectations of marriage....and that scares me!
Definitely possible to be limerent when in a marriage or other relationship. Thank you for watching! If you want to work on stuff like this, a great place to start is Anna's DP. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Julie@TeamFairy
It is especially possible if you end up marrying someone you were limerent for, unfortunately. Someone who had red flags that you didn't see and you convinced yourself that they were the one for you only to get married and realise that you actually don't even like them. Not trying to scare you further, just saying this is definitely at play for some people who are prone to limerence.
What is limerence? GPT-4: Limerence is a term that was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book "Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love." It describes a complex set of feelings and experiences associated with deep romantic attraction and obsessive thinking about another person.
Limerence is more than just a crush or infatuation. It is characterized by intrusive and obsessive thoughts about the limerent object (the person for whom one feels limerence), a desperate need for reciprocation, idealization of the limerent object, an inability to focus on anything else, emotional dependency, and extreme sensitivity to the limerent object's actions and behaviors.
Limerence can also include a fear of rejection and a sense of euphoria in response to real or perceived signs of reciprocation. These feelings can last for weeks or months, or in some cases, years. It's important to note that while limerence can be intensely pleasurable when feelings are reciprocated, it can also cause significant distress when they are not.
However, limerence is not universally recognized by all psychologists and is not an official diagnosis in any medical or psychological manual, such as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). It's a more subjective concept used to describe a particular range of emotions and thoughts related to romantic attraction.
I can imagine being shocked if there was no talking and suddenly one says "no contact". I would think "we never had contact"...
But I understand your dilema honey and oh what you went through I know how hard that is. Loves, hugs and prayers dear soul.
I would have just walked by him and ignored him when I saw him rather than confront him and make an as@ out of myself.
@@deeandrews7051 everyone does themselves in these situations. She likely wished she COULD do that but couldn't in that moment.
I cannot thank you enough, through all these stories you are helping more people, you are definitely helping me. I'm a 26 years old woman with CPTSD who is from Latin America and cannot afford therapy right now. I just found out what is making me feel more miserable, it feels like putting on glasses for the first time and finally being able to see it as what it is, just a terrible distraction I imagined as an escape from my reality and my failed marriage.
So glad you found us and are finding it helpful!
TeamFairy
I didn't know there was a term for this... I always put it down to my ADHD and OCD and how I can become obsessive.
I have wasted years on obsessing over people with the idea that there was even some form of hope that they may like me back - when in reality it wasn't the case at all.
The older I've gotten the more I've learned too and come to realise how trauma can have a great impact on your perception. We crave so much the things we were neglected as children that it becomes a drug almost to find it in anyone who shows us any little inkling of hope or love.
....and consider this, if you don't really know the person, enough to know their name or what their availability is, then you're not obsessed with them, you're obsessed with the "idea" of them.
I have ADHD as well. I think neurodivergence might be more vulnerable to "limerence", but I may be wrong. I thought they might be related.
@@leemeyers5335DHD & neurodivergence are caused by trauma as well, so yes, they can be all wrapped up together.
Kudos to Miranda the letter writer for working so hard to exit the limerent state and get free. That takes courage.
I’m a member and I’ve been following all of Anna‘s videos. The problem with our maladaption to being attracted to unavailable people is that we are not attracted two people who are available. The limerance part of us is what’s looking to be lit up because we have a crack in our attraction /attachment process. So if a person is available, and is nice, we tend not to be attracted to them. I don’t know how to heal that but I’m working on it.
Sounds like you are getting some insights, and great job working on your healing. Thank you for being part of our community!
Julie@TeamFairy
I had the need to say something about Mirandas story.. Yes maybe her abuse created it in her mind, but i want to warn women that there are men that do what that guy did, just see from Mirandas eyes for a minute, and dont think about her traumas. There are personality traits of men who do act like that, those personality traits include, men who are used to the attention from women, they are kind of men that have been getting attention from women, so they automatically think that all women are interested in them, and this turns them a subconscious flirters with age. They are so addicted to attention that when they see a woman like them, even a woman stops he acts, pushes and does certain things to get what he wants. She described a lot of men with certain personality when she said, he feeds on her for his ego, there are men who are aware of it, but most are unaware. Just saying, she didnt make it up in her mind,
Absolutely agree!🎯
This hits so hard after reconnecting with my high school crush 10 years later, who I liked secretly while I was caught in an abusive teenage relationship with someone else back then and the crush is now married. It’s been genuine hell trying to heal since the old crush reached out to me - thank you for sharing this, this helped me not feel so alone ❤
One of my favourite movies is "He's just not that into you!". 😂 one of the worst things is when people who have good intentions give you bad advice as well. Thank you for keeping it real! ❤
It's s terrible movie
Thank you once again for answering the question that has been in mind for so long. Some things just need to be let go.
At 46 I have stood back now and observed myself and realised what is and what isn't. I try to retain myself and allow things to be seen for what they are. In my 20s and 30s I being codependent and empathic was very limerance led. I now feel more self assured in my 40s and men are not even a factor at all. If a goodman comes be that may it's a maybe but not a definite in my life. I come first.
I'm glad you are feeling more self-assured now. That's the right place to start from. :) Thanks for your comment.
Julie@TeamFairy
When you talk my heart is smiling. You are a wonderful human being…… ❤❤❤ I have learned my self through your videos, I know my self now what I want and what I have to do. Thank you from my heart.
wrong to do is right -- re attention /interest toward married people. brings on a curse. hard pain later!!!
excellent, as always, CCF. (Only 18 likes so far?!). the bartender-alcoholic analogy makes so much sense
I am dealing with this right now. I know that my friend is not into me, but am struggling to let it go. Goodness, it's time to move on.
That guy knew what he was doing. she didnt imagine his actions and he was definitely bullshitting her. Some men deflect or act surprised when called out. he knew. It wasnt imagined. I even think it was good for her to say something. It sounds like he was super obvious.. slowing the car down; him still looking after she passes and turns around.
Or it was all in her head. You do not know this person, her or him. The story is told from her point of view. The only part that sounded real to me, is the part where she actually said something and describes his reaction, the rest sounds like something out of....I don't know, some kind of weird romance novel.
@@ebbyc1817just because it’s from her perspective, doesn’t mean her perspective is warped though..
@@ebbyc1817you have no way of knowing if what she described is real. Some people really do act the way she said he did. So none of us should be jumping to conclusions. Both scenarios are possible.
@@penyarol83 "you have no way of knowing if what she described is real "
is actually quite accurate.
@@ebbyc1817 right. So don't assume it's not.
I don’t care he was into me or no. I haven’t chased him. I felt something special and evolved as a result of that experience ad that is all that matters.
I don’t think she read it wrong, he was just in denial. So his response was genuine - he could not acknowledge what he had been doing so he seemed surprised.
I get it. I have it too. I exhaust potential partners but not as much as I exhaust myself.
The thing you write about getting exhausted by yourself , I suddenly see myself. Thank you for sharing. I have some work to do. Thank you for showing me ❤
I actually think the guy was trying to seduce her or get off on knowing he had her attention. She may be limerant, but she didn’t get there in this case on her own - he lured her. Just my opinion. I hope she heals!
I agree with you 100%.
Could've been an incorrect reading of his behaviour, could've been him denying the "accusations" because realistically, no one could prove anything (since it's not illegal to make eye contact and greet a coworker in a friendly way). Either way, since they really don't know each other and aren't friends or anything, there's no harm done in "scaring him off for good", if that was actually a misreading, so I guess as far as protecting her energy goes, that was the right thing to do even though it might feel embarrassing at first. Either he thinks that he should keep his distance because his behaviour came across wrong, or he thinks "hmm, she's interested, let me stay close" and then you know you were right and should really steer clear of him. Although that is easier said than done, I think it's better to know you were right...
Yeah, it's true that some people don't care about the subjective disturbance they're causing in your life if they're getting something out of it.
I'm currently going through limerence with a chap at work. Newly found the CCF and already Anne has helped me see what is happening with me and how I get obsessive about guys. Only recently started having little chats after smiling and saying good morning. I was amazed this week when he called my name. I work in a very large male dominant plant. I wondered how he found out, then a colleague said he was asking her about me but he already knew my name. It has made me happy, but I'm going to shut it down as I'm building my hopes too high. I'm presuming he is with a partner? So I'm currently going through a glow up for myself. Hair and make up, eat better, but still drinking too much. I just want to be mentally healthy. I'm 54 single female. This game never seems to end as I've got hurt so many times, never married. I am craving love and it hurts. Good luck to All. ❤
Good luck to you! Turning your attention to yourself with kindness and making a better life is the right move. You've heard it before if you watch the channel, but Daily Practice can help! bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Julie@TeamFairy
Thank you Julie, I am starting the Daily Practice today ❤️
I've learned and right now I can read the signs much, much better
❤ Thank You Anna! You, Anna brighten my women cave world! ❤ Not just the pain of injecting yourself to a destructive situation, what about the other people. The wife to that man. I'm sure if we add the wife's face to every interaction, could go a long ways. Stopping the worst that WILL happen. People; ! If you find yourself daydreaming about someone or lose your self in trying to make them notice how lovable you are, how about writing copious letters that you never give or regret giving. Or pushing your needs aside, or pushing even potential healthy partners aside, spend all your money and give valuables to buy their love, only to see a hand reaching for more, and your portion to survive is handed over. Chances are you struggle with limerence.
The amount of people lve been rejected from, by letting them know my feelings (after following others advice) has been every single time. So the people lve actually had relationships with, are the ones that approach me, and l dont really find attractive. Smh
Same
I have been there, maybe not as intense. I do know when to stop semi flirting, and certainly stop it in my head...completely
I really feel like I’m in a similar situation if not exact same. I always appreciate your videos. Especially the ones on limerence they’ve really helped me realize that almost all of my attractions have been just mere limerence and have been able to start working on myself
Thank you for watching and for your comment. Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
Being in love. Is the not right working of the mind. All early unfortunately bad experience in ones youth if not addressed properly unfortunately is inveterate and will always come and visit depending on situations.
It's a great step to seeing the truth by pointing how you feel and speak to someone rationally about these things. Basically therapy helps us see we are wounded survivors. This is an accomplishment in itself. Whoever this woman is? We have you covered here. Thanks for making me think of my own in a manner that I haven't.
All the Best!!!
I really needed to hear this today. My husband of 12 years was really good at future faking in our marriage. He recently blindsided me with a very brutal discard. Hes now shacked up with the secretary from his work. I need major healing because he fooled me good
You can get that major healing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@CrappyChildhoodFairy ty♥️✨️🙏many Lows right now but im on the narrow path gladly
Consider it a blessing. Your best life is about to start. Feel empathy for that woman because he will abuse her emotionally as well. That future you want, you can have it, and you can build it all on your own.
I wrote a letter which I guess hasn’t been chosen to be addressed on here. That’s fine, but it follows this same theme, only in the situation I referenced, other people told me this person was into me because of how much he talked about me - to them and to people I didn’t even know, he asked me out and we went out on a date and all the while, he was simply biding his time until the person he really had feelings for was available. There were no hints or red flags, and in all of our many conversations, there was no hint that his heart was elsewhere. So, I didn’t miss any “signs” and I wasn’t going after someone I knew was unavailable. I was asking in the letter for clarity on how limerance can be so insidious that even when someone professes interest and asks you out, one can STILL be so wrong about the other person’s intentions, and STILL attract those with no genuine intention towards you. I just don’t get it. It is what makes me believe there is no healing because even when you do the exact opposite of what you had always done intending to get different results, you get the same results.
Hey! First of all, I'm sorry you experienced this. From what i'm getting, I think the guy was very unclear and dishonest towards you about what he really wants from you. Remember that that is not your fault at all. We need to let go of control because we can't control what other people should think or feel towards us. We can control our own feelings and emotions. :))
Women aren't the only ones.
I’ve suffered from it at a very early age. I fell out of love with my mother because of her work; she was a smeo.
I then fell in love with singers and actresses from age 8. I've had so many limerent crushes. In the real world I've been rejected 25/25 times in the past 11 years. I was married and I projected my remote mother onto my then wife. Prior to marrying her l never had a girlfriend despite trying so hard.
This is a horrifying story. The married guy behaved so inappropriately.
Happened to me for far too long after I lost my stepdad last October and having vented to a friend from work. I regret so badly how treated her. It’s like I put myself in auto pilot and let the loneliness and sadness take control. I didn’t once think of how she felt until it was too late.
Glad you mentioned SLAA. It helped immensely along with your channel. Thank you👏👏
Thank you for sharing that!
Julie@TeamFairy
My hobby of Model Car Building helps me with my limerence a lot... Keeps my brain focused...
Wow, this helped me a lot. I’ve been like this before with a person I thought was very narcissistic and felt addicted to him and thought he was into me because he’d text me all the time and come over nearly every day but after eight months and knowing that I felt close to him by then he turned around and told me that he wasn’t that into me and he’d had better, there were better women and he deserved better??? The guy had no personality and was grossly overweight but thought he was a prize 🏆 He sexually assaulted me three times and gaslit me relentlessly when I held him accountable for those things and it was such an odd mismatch but I hadn’t heard about limerence before and that also makes sense because I was neglected and abused emotions a child and teenager! I haven’t had contact with any of my family for ten years as I was trying to heal and they just made everything worse and so much damage. I was so lonely and felt worthless and unlovable when I met this guy and minimised what he did to have someone there to cuddle me, which is so sad but I was in a really bad way and had been homeless prior to him crossing paths with me.
He really took advantage of my vulnerability but somehow I was addicted to him??? So messed up and confusing
I'm so sorry you went through all that. It sounds like a bad situation indeed. As you heal, you might like Anna's Daily Practice. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Julie@TeamFairy
Limerence.. ABSOLUTELY SUCKS!!
I can relate... And I stay away from relationships due to me being molested by a "friend" at age 12...
After a lifetime of overt sexual harassment, it turned covert. Every make friend I would have eventually asked for sex. I would have pleasant conversations with colleagues or classmates and, yup, turned to asking for sex. I became so untrusting. Then, Mr. Limerance appeared in an old Beau that reconnected. I misread the flirting, the sex and time spent together. I asked where is this relationship going and he said what relationship? He said I made it all up, but he led me on. I cannot ever be with a man again. It crushed my nearing recovery CPSTD soul. Now, I 😊 keep to myself. It's lonely. Can't trust again.
@@hddh8974even worse to get stuck in a marriage. You gave terrible advice.
He sounds like an energy vampire..
Therapy and CODA might be helpful too...
Limerence really sucks. Especially sucks when you are limerent who is highly narcissistic.
I'm going through that rn any tips to get over him🥲
How did she know he's married but not his name? That's my curiosity.
A ring on his left hand maybe? 🤷🏼♀️
Listening to what was said in the letter it made me wonder if this man was looking more than she expected just because she reminded him of someone, if you see someone who looks familiar it’s more likely you look at them more to figure out what differences they might have or even trying to figure out if it’s someone you really know. If he is generally a nice and friendly person he might have smiled to her with no intentions of any kind other than seeming polite and kind. I really hope she can find a way to feel all the love she needs in the relationship she already has or at least find the help she needs
11:13 “… and the _cruel_ thing about limerence is that it almost guarantees you _won’t_ find someone suitable.”
Not _“almost.”_
Ice spice should’ve collabed on this video
You are available for sessions?
What if the guy is aware that it's limerence and totally going after contact and playing with your emotions??
I need help y’all :( I dm’d my crush a question about a show we like…he’s left me on read for two weeks :( He’s never done this before and would usually respond the next day or two at the latest. During school my friends even asked me if I caught him flirting with me one night. They don’t know I have a crush on him. They said he kept complimenting me and staring me down a lot to the point where it got awkward😅 I just kept shyly saying thank you and told them I thought he was being nice. I didn’t want to give my hopes up. After that I assumed he was interested in me so I started messaging him once a week mid semester. But he never texted me first. Yet in person he would make an effort to sit very close to me. Like our legs touching close. When hanging out with friends he always would pass the blunt to me after he took a hit and would light it for me. Though that time I fell for him but he never opened up. I’m just confused and don’t know what to do.
If a guy is interested in you, he’ll let you know in obvious ways. There won’t be anything subtle about it. Based on what you’ve written here, he sees you as just a friend.
I’m sorry to be blunt, but it’s what I wish others would’ve done for me when I was in your situation. Look for someone who values you for you and never settle for scraps.🥰
@@TeamCat1128 yeah it just sucks when all I want is love. I do kind of find it rude he left me on read like that though. I just asked him a question about a show he liked and don’t think it warranted that response. I think he noticed I wanted to know more about him and decided to let me know how he feels this way :/ I asked my friends and therapist and they said he could be going through something, busy, or forgot to reply by accident and suggest I send a simple message asking if he’s okay. Part of me wants to do that but another part of me wants to jump ship all together and not send him anything. After all, it’s pretty evident he doesn’t care and no response is a response. I just hate we fell out like this because we share mutual friends that I super close with.
I would say, there are always two sides to every interaction, he's reacting to you, just as you are reacting to him.
Do you respond to him in person ? If you don't , and you only DM him, then he might be wondering what that means. Is she interested ? or not.
Always think like that, that there's you, and there's the other person,..two parts, to every interaction. Whatever you're doing or not doing, affects the other person, and their actions towards you, and what they do affects you.
The question now is, what do you want.
All your actions should be consistent with what you want. If you want someone to be consistent with you, you have to be consistent with them.
Good luck.
I've had limerence since early childhood.... hows this even a possibility?
What about when its the other way around? Flirt and then when the person starts to recipricate and get feelings you lose complète interest.
Could be avoidant attachment pattern? Just maybe, if that resonates with you.
Julie@TeamFairy
I've been limerent over the same person for over a year now...there was intense flirting on her side, but when I reached out she proceeded to block me..I'll never see her again so I can't get any clarity..I think there are too many people 'looking for attention' out there...being a gay woman doesn't make it any easier..I wish I knew of a way to get over limerence for good
Fairy... sorry but she said she is MARRIED ... it seems you missed that bit!!
Dont get me wrong i totally am messed up, but when they text you often, send photos and then just stopped in the middle of a conversation that is truly confusing. Its someone i just spent a few hours with but i had a crush. He asked for my number. So i just have been silent. If he wants to continue he will have to reach out. I dont see much hope so i just move on now. Years ago i would have thought it was no big deal to abruptly ignore me in the middle of a texting conversation but now i do. Thankfully.
The moment you show interest is the moment they lose interest. Women are never supposed to chase men or show any attraction to them. The man should always chase you. Even if they're really into you at first, you will push them away by showing interest. It emasculates them. They need to feel like they're conquering something. Edit: I made this comment before listening to the entire letter. Just stay away from men, period. Nothing good will come of it.
WoW 😮 that explains why my ex narcissist hubby pursued me so hard for months even after I kept rejecting a date with him because he smoked! He just had to conquer me for sure! To win his desires. I was a target he used to get himself a better life!
This only applies to two types of men. The first is disingenuous men with issues that use women romantically to make themselves feel better. They either use the woman for sex or if they have at least a shred of integrity, they just back off when they realize they've taken it too far when the woman begins to show interest.
The second type of men want drama and stress because thats what they are used to seeing around them while growing up and probably how they were treated. It feels natural to them. So when they continue to persist and chase like stalkers when no interest is shown, this fulfills some type of emptiness and their belief of unworthiness they have about themselves inside. Thats why they feel like they have to "conquer" and then back off when you show interest. It's basically an insecurity manifesting as being controlling in order to temporarily quell their own insecurity. If they back off, this means it was simply to quell their insecurity, and they weren't truly interested. If they continue on in a relationship with you, they often end up being super controlling and potentially narcissistic. So having this type of guy lose interest is actually in your favor.
Healthy men don't feel the need to "conquer" anyone because they are already secure and confident in themselves. They have nothing to prove to themselves or anyone else. They stop all pursuit and stop showing interest in a woman if the woman does not reciprocate interest. They are direct and decisive. They leave no room for doubt about their interest by exhibiting passive behavior. They PREFER when the woman they show interest in actually reciprocates interest in return. They like things to go easily and peacefully. They ONLY show interest in a woman they really like. There are fewer healthy men out there, and you can find them by learning to spot them, which helps you turn away the unhealthy men.
@@Leoo117 This was so well written. Thank you.
@@Leoo117thank you for this much-needed level-headed pushback on the original comment which I think a lot of us women have heard repeatedly & which just confuses & discourages us.
@@Leoo117I loved this comment, a very leveling statement which made perfect sense. Thank you, I feel less confused now 🌼
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If she must she can go on unemployment while she works on her marriage...
When Anna circles ... its like ohh ...😂
Hey, I attract Narcissists. It was a joke they me and an ex boyfriend had one ☝️ thing in common- we both liked him! 😂
Not really that funny. 😢
There are givers in the world and takers.
Maybe you can do a video on if someone gets you a 1, you respond with a 1. Not to give a 5 or 10 to someone giving a one. 😢
Only women gets affected by limerence?
Men can be limerent as well.
@@Leoo117yes, but not nearly as much as women do. No doubt about that. In s men are more socialized to "Not" show feelings.😢
I'm thinking of all the times I've smiled at someone for no reason, just a pure social gesture, at work, on the street, maybe even cracked a joke, and then walked away without a second thought. This is what happens, in some people's minds ? Wow.
Imagine if a man told this story, about a woman who smiled at him. That's how I feel listening to this letter.
So scary.
The guy in the story must have been thrown for a complete loop.
The fact he slowed his car to stare her down is creepy. I'm sure there is info out there to help people who don't have an idea of proper conduct boundaries, or what constitutes sexual innuendo at the office. Many of us have had to sit through training of this nature. So if one still has questions, there are plenty of resources to help.
@@Rut-vi7iz We hear the story from her point of view, and she was limerent. He may have been looking at her wondering why she is looking at him. Thank god she said something or he would not have known what was going on in her mind. Looking at her like she had three heads sounds about right. That part at least, she saw clearly.
@@ebbyc1817you’re completely taking his side and assuming she was wrong. You don’t know these people and weren’t there. You should have more doubt that what she’s saying might have been true. Yes she was limerent, but he could have been messing with her too. There are very flirty men like that. People of similar mental health levels tend to attract each other
@@penyarol83 There's a saying "History is told by the winners". I was actually looking at it from my point of view. If someone reacted that way to me, I would be totally freaked out. She did both of them a favour by saying something, it protects her, and him. This way, he knows to stay away from her, too.
@@ebbyc1817yeah but your initial comment described one-off interactions. The woman writing was describing a repetitive situation. Where this man stares her down, slows his car to look at her, and when she walks away and turns back he’s still looking at her. From an outside perspective this guy sounds creepy and gives off a predatory vibe.
Or maybe the person you love is a narcissist who is gaslighting you.
Been here. Started a job in 2019 his blue eyes were mesmerizing. I would be cleaning doing dishes mopping then look up and hed be staring at me. I went to the bathroom one day walked past him and our hands touched and i felt lighting strike. Hed get off be off on weekends and just show up. One day he asks me repeatedly if my jacket was the blue jacket well yes apparently hed put his phone number in my jacket. Eventually it led to meeting in motel rooms and it was mind blowing i cried and after he would call me leave me sexy voicemails. It went on for over a year with the last 6 months of catching him a 57 yesr old man messing with all the new gurls at work id catch him doing it with different ones every day it got to where he broke all of our dates and ghosted me 2 times coming back I eventually quit my job I couldn’t take it anymore watching him mess with other women in front of me lied said he dropped his phone in the pool at work yea right . We tried again but he had no intention of having a relationship with me and his love for me was nothing but lust best sex ever and i had to cord cut for months to get over him to fall right into the arms of a past boyfriend that wasnt the same guy i knew 25 years ago he used me for money and when i got hurt and sick he told me i was not well enough and not able to wotk enough to take care of him snd he blocked me ghosted me after a 2 year kong relationship
Now i hope to get single stay single
Like 9 1/2 weeks by Micky Rourke and Kim Basinger loved that movie limerents crumbs lol worshiped this movie for years use to watch it all the time just like I couldn’t be intimate neither all my men were like this movie but working on no heavy flirtations that’s what A is annoyed I allow this to happened for 58 years lol 😮@lorraineamicothemakeupartist
Limerent only A no one else I will never make Limerent again ❤@lorraineamicothemakeupartist
I will never go with some other peoples men nope never will disgusting I wouldn’t want this to happen to me so onto others as you want them to do to you ❤@lorraineamicothemakeupartist
Yep A limerint all my life in and out no more can’t take it it’s like a drug addict can’t do it anymore yep Anna you hit the nail on the head I’m working on it the hardest thing to do 😢@lorraineamicothemakeupartist