Most Books on Grief Feel Irrelevant to This LGBTQ Widower, Zero Overnight Guests.

I realize these journal entries become repetitive. I've been trying to understand why I feel I've been falling backwards recently. I had a visitor and even an invitation to lunch yesterday and today I fell worse, why? And I discuss with myself why I believe the daily meditations on grief do not represent John or myself and it's no surprise when historical quotes on grief don't include people like us. We have been either never mentioned in history or only mentioned as something to be reviled. It's not anger I feel it's just feeling more profoundly alone and isolated. The contrast of very infrequent human contact compared to the long stretches of isolation I believe is why my sadness gets magnified.
I don't know why I'm falling backwards but I do ask my John for help and I am trying to keep going forward.
Don't think of this as complaining think of this as my trying to understand what is happening to my heart and my heart as I forever morn my sweet husband John's death.