How to Work with Someone You Can't Stand: The Harvard Business Review Guide
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 มิ.ย. 2024
- Sure, you could just argue with them. But if you have to work together, here are more productive ways for everyone to win.
00:00 Let me guess: you argue with someone you don't like, or complain about them, or ignore them, right?
00:26 I have a magic trick that will make that annoying co-worker ... less annoying.
01:22 Ask: How am I reacting?
01:40 What exactly is it that's bothering me, and why?
02:40 Separate behaviors from traits.
03:00 Is it really so bad to not like each other?
03:20 What DO I like about this person?
04:00 What might happen if I spent more time with this person? (Yes, this is a hard one!)
04:40 Can we talk about it?
06:15 Ok, nothing else works. What if I just ignore them?
06:55 Let's review!
Reading list:
hbr.org/2012/01/how-to-work-w...
hbr.org/2021/11/how-to-work-w...
hbr.org/2018/12/how-to-collab...
hbr.org/2018/04/how-to-develo...
hbr.org/2013/08/how-to-manage...
Produced by Amy Gallo, Jessica Gidal, and Scott LaPierre
Video by Andy Robinson
Edited by Jessica Gidal
Design by Riko Cribbs, Karen Player, and Jessica Gidal
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I honestly feel that most people don't dislike work it's self. It's the being forced to be around people we don't like that is the hardest part of work life. Working from home has been a dream.
Even WFH, I feel like I don't want to communicate by message or email with my co-workers 😢
I totally agree - remote work was amazing. I didn't know all the craziness and unnecessary things from the office. You do your job, switch yourself later on and that's it. In the office, you have to be a psychologist 24/7.
So many gamer-players!! What frequently ends up happening is the competent people move on and the percent of incompetent (usually a big overlap with the obnoxious) grows and grows until the department or company is completely dysfunctional. Then the owners wonder how it happened.
Most companies employ those people best qualified to perform the tasks or roles needed by the organisation. Whether they will get on with their co-workers comes quite low down on the list. There are some who will always disrupt any cohesive pattern turning a workplace into something quite toxic emotionally, mentally and physically. Sadly this makes work intolerable and the turnover in companies a regular occurrence
Disgusting. Go clock and work in person.
I appreciate the caveat at the beginning. Dealing with actual clinically verified narcissists isn’t something you can just “adapt to”. Good video.
Totally agree
I would say, keep your interaction to a minimum to absolutely what is required. Don't hope to make personal connections especially if they are the Machiavellian games playing sort. You will know that in a few weeks time.
Mind your own business, do your allotted work and report to your boss. Keep your boss in the loop about what's happening. If your boss is the jerk, you can try the above methods or ask for a change of team or find a more conducive workplace...
I think one can always work with people they dislike as long as both parties know how to handle their dislike but that is seldom the case. There will always be one jerk in the equation.
As I always say, friends in the workplace are a bonus. Being civil to everyone is work ethics. Don't know why that's so hard for people to understand.
Perfeito
When the boss IS the problem then you have a tricky situation on your hands
I work with someone who has a photographic memory- they often have unrealistic expectations of others, assuming (probably unconsciously) that everyone can do what they can. I’ve found the best way to deal with that is to be extremely clear about what I need from them in order for me to make good use of the info they share with me. I also ask that they send all communication through me when they have feedback about or tasks for a member of my team, in order to shield my team from their very blunt communication style. It’s a bit of work, but it prevents lots of misunderstandings and drama.
"What If I ignore them" - that is the one effective option with some personalities. Nevertheless in that case you are not working anymore with them, the relationship is already "broken". Nobody wants to spend time with someone they can't stand.
My boss cusses at me eg. Foff, then turns back and tries to make small talk and expects me to laugh at his jokes. It's so annoying, stressful & toxic. He doesn't cuss at others though. I dread going to work daily. Trying hard to find another job.
I'm sorry to hear that your boss is mistreating you. You do not deserve it. I'd let him know how his behavior affects the working relationship. It's risky, but if you just want out of the toxic working relationship. As you mentioned, find another job where you will be respected. Best of luck to you.
Try telling your boss, No, you foff....then laugh. If you laugh every time he does it, he'll get tired. I think your face may give away your feelings and he likes needling you.
Just know that he is a piece of shit and how he behaves shows who he is , not who you are , keep reminding yourself this again and again ,with time you will get detached and free from his nonsense.
Some relationships are just toxic. We live in a toxic abusive world and advice has not caught up to this reality.
ikr. these all tips are not working if that person is your boss. period.
recently i ask for transfer to other dept and she gaslights me lmao. said that i won't have the chance bcs the new job is for entry level, lower than my current job. i can't stand her anymore.
Oh Sheesh! Just ignore them. If they aren't actively trying to harm you or the business, it's best to just minimize contact. My biggest workplace bug-a-boo is when someone is hired for the job who is woefully unqualified. They are miserable because they aren't skilled enough for the position, and they tend to make everyone else miserable, too.
I tried to quit my job last fall, but my boss offered me a counter offer to be able to work from home. I'm so happy that my workplace is without the stressors of colleagues who are just too much. We communicate via company chat or email, and that's just perfect! I'm much more productive and make way fewer mistakes now that I'm working from home vs. in a busy office setting.
Minimizing contact is a terrible method when the co-worker will be on 100 percent of your projects, or is your first level supervisor.
Oh that's good! Glad to hear it!
In an ideal world. These are great tips but a lot of people aren’t mature enough for this. On both ends.
Some people don't bring any value to the team.You don't like them because they're not doing their job or they're not doing it properly. They have no standards and think they should be paid for just being present at work. They are not helpful and create chaos instead of doing what they're supposed to do. They have excuses and bring nothing to the table.
Not only do they do their job poorly, YOU have to spend extra time fixing it, in addition to your own work, or the project will fail or be delayed, jeopardizing the jobs of everyone on the team. And in the US, certain categories of salaried workers aren't paid for overtime work.
So this. They just complain, critize and bring (their) problems for you and the team to solve but never make any effort of proposing a solution. If there is a solution, then it's never them. It's always other people who are the problem who needs to change.
A former coworker was like this. She was retiring after many years and seemed to believe that her presence and experience was enough of a contribution but she did very little work. It was very frustrating because there was so much to do and she obviously didn't care. A coworker and I decided to just ignore her. We learned that she just couldn't be counted on and learned to work around her.
1. I assume it’s not me they don’t like.
2. I disliked and complained about a colleague not pulling his weight, ends up he is battling cancer
3. I disliked a colleague I thought was unknowledgeable for the position, he’s just older and I found he has great historic insights I applied to present projects.
4. I can be annoying, and I’m working on it.
Right. So it's all your fault. How convenient
I love your responses, @AbsurdCats! There’s always more than one side to a story.
@@JanisOnTheFarmette the older I get, the more I have to learn.
I focus on the work not the person. I try not to mix personal matters with work. Whether I personally like them or not, can get along or can't, that doesn't matter. They are not paying me. I'm loyal to the salary I receive. I'm assigned and paid to do the job. That is what I always remind myself. Actually, I don't have anybody like that at work. They all are more hardworking than me. I know sometimes they try to create misunderstandings. I just ignore it and learn how to deal with the situation and the person for my peace of mind. I tell myself, your mental health is more important than messing up with this person.
Toxic people must be fired. And narcissists are deadly dangerous.
Agree wholeheartedly. It's normally narcissists that people "can't stand". They are definitely dangerous because they drive good people away but they continue to get management's support because they are "charming and strategic thinkers".
But they never are. The decent people who can't stand being around them just leave. New person, new target.
New Manager has come in from a different field and made many many changes before learning the job, I feel exhausted knowing we will have to change everything back when it all goes wrong, I feel annoyed that even tho we have told her things are done this way for a reason - she's ignored us. It's also insulting that she thinks she knows better. 😢 I don't know what to do, many people have tried talking to her - she knows best.
The key is understanding people. The pressures they are under, their backgrounds, their family situations etc. Even if you don't talk to them, you can understand them.
I can understand these theories but I can’t change them nor myself. My coworkers have anxiousness / anxiety issues. They have the habit of overwhelming people around them. As soon as they see that you are willing to listen, they emotionally drain you. None of these advices help. The only way is to save myself and run away. Or I might just die from emotionally drained. Haha
A job is a job. Not an opportunity to play psychologist. Empathy is a fine thing, but folks need to make money and get on w/ their lives.
@DynamicLearning4u I am 100% in the same situation. Good luck to us.
So glad that I am at the age and life position when I don't have to keep job if I do not like it or feel intoxicated by unhealthy environment, created by some folks who are drama and toxic, and not professional enough to keep it to themselves.
Great video and good to include the disclaimer of when to practice these strategies. It's a completely different scenario if the person has a noticeably higher level of power than you and the organization condones said behaviors.
Maturity is to realize this video is not about how to deal with 'annoying co-workers' , but instead to have a better look at yourself and understand your own emotions.
That's what's truly important, no one can make you angry if you are happy within ! So just love yourself and it'll all be good 😊
What if the workplace excludes you, for no reason. E.g. avoids eye contact, never ask about you and your day, notice you, make decisions without you, and just treat you like you dont matter.
Ive noticed this pattern in my life with many people and experiences.
Take it as a cue to do some introspection to discover what’s turning them off. Good luck.
@@libbylandscape3560 well when it's only coworkers, and the clients respect you and talk to you and are friendly, I dont know? I think theyre cliquey and Im not.
@@thinkforyourself518 well then maybe it’s them.
Working from home neutralized most of the annoyance to me. I think it's related to people simply getting irritated from having to go somewhere she being stuck together.
I had a passive-aggressive assistant in the years before I retired. She was power hungry and just miserable to be around. The professional who preceded me in the job had had problems with her and allowed the assistant to pretend she was the boss. She bullied my intern. No support from admin. I retired. A couple of years later, the assistant actually died on the job.
What an ending, omg.
Oh shit.
I can understand these theories but I can’t change them nor myself. My coworkers have anxiousness / anxiety issues. They have the habit of overwhelming people around them. As soon as they see that you are willing to listen, they emotionally drain you. None of these advices help. The only way is to save myself and run away. Or I might just die from emotionally drained. Haha
Yes. Thank you. @@Li-rg5il
Dear Amy, I beg to differ. I tried ALL of these methods and honestly some people are just too comfortable with their insecurities instead of addressing them. Change is up to each and everyone of us. I am just happy I can detach myself and strive to become better. 😊🌸🌼
I agree, Fati. There are some people who aren't interested in changing and the best approach in those scenarios is to disengage as best you can. There's only so much we can control in these dynamics!
Totally agree
so true, I already tried everything with this coworker, she just has no interest in improving the work environment. She openly said she's painfully shy and avoids conversation at all costs, every possible conversation, short, long, w coworkers, patients etc. of course she's not shy about throwing ppl under the bus and i kindly already asked her several times to tell me when she thinks something is wrong, but she prefers to keep escalating things for no reason, I guess just to avoid a human interaction
every day they have to wake up
as their misreable self
and every day I wake up
as a better self
This corporate speak will kill us all
I really enjoyed thinking about this topic. I am not perfect by far, but what about taking command of your work life? If you can be honest about yourself and the situation, what about going to the boss and saying: "I'm not working with this person." I did it. I was professional, unapologetic, and, didn't get fired. They were shocked but just moved me to a different project. From this unorthodox approach, I believe that having to diagnose another person at that level of specificity is a negative draw on energy and overall productivity. If everyone is on board we leave egos at the door and focus all effort on the work. I work in construction and there just isn't time to think about how to say things. This needs to happen, do it, done.
It's a good aproach if it works.But it depends on the working situation, the boss and the practicability.
Sometimes, there isn't a chance for that to happen.Not everybody can or will be moved to a different project. If you're unlucky, you end up being perceived as a trouble- maker with poor social skills.Some bosses will demand that you deal with your frustration in private, telling you you're not in charge to make the decision who's hired and who isn't.
@@charlottepeukert9095 I presume I was a bit lucky. 👍🏽
@@albewillbuild
Yes, that's true.
some people are so nasty there is no repair
The annoyance is the fact that they don't to their job and I get to fix it for them. Oh wait that's my terms of reference.
#FACTS
Lol😂 yes facts...
TOTALLY IGNORE THAT PERSON FOR AS LONG AS U WORK WITH THAT PERSON.
I've experienced this and often had no knowledge of why I was disliked. sometimes a different world view turns others against a person. I don't miss the corporate world. Envy, smallness of mind, ambition. ugh
Maturity is needed.
I work in retail. Full stop. The people being hired are useless and lazy and the people doing the hiring have no business being managers. This creates the perfect shit storm. I'm retiring for good in a few months and it can't come soon enough, I've had enough of the BS...its exhausting.
Well put. Most advice given seems to ignore job settings where one deals w/ the general public, or the hired staff is of low quality.
I am going through this right now with a co worker who is so lazy and looks offended when he’s asked to help out. I work in retail. This caused me a significant burn out as I have been picking up his slack. I’ve spoken with management but nothing changes and he’s still on the roster getting his weekend penalty rates whilst not doing his share. There will be a confrontation this week I can feel it.
And if it's your boss who abuses you without any reason
Great video. I've followed a few of the steps mentioned and only engage with the coworker(s) if I have to. Thanks for posting!
Lady, you are a saint! Bless your heart. I want to be like you when I grow up (it's never too late).
Yes. This is the problem. I can deal with annoying. It's the antisocial behavior like being unethical and mistreating others without any thought or remorse...
Very insightful, thank you!
Bring the behavior to the attention of someone who has the power to address it? Those in power want to avoid the bad behavior rather than address it.
When those in power colluded in that behaviour you've really got a problem
This is great advice. Thanks!
Many managers and supervisors should be taught on this... I had problems to fit in every job I had at offices because supervisors just hated me from day 1. Believe me I tried to be friendly, I gave my best and they would still build situations to make my work look bad. Of course I kept record of everything, gave opportunities for them to change their attitude, but when it didn't, I complained to the managers, HR and even the owners with evidence to get them fired because their attitude was not correct and was affecting productivity and my health...😅in the end I had to quit lol, because the hate has seeds and my life is better without that
😂😂😂 "bring it to a person who has power to address it"
"You're fired" will be what happens next 90% of the time.
Thanks so much I like when they compliment me nicely ¬ get on my nerves.❤❤
no matter we’re you work most of high level managers are there because f connection+words words words (talking) hence none of these tricks going to help, just make sure you are being compensated handsomely for the value you add and you can put up with it for a while, meanwhile find a better workplace
Thank you for posting
Very useful, thanks 🙏
I used to like this person, but once we started working together, I could see the truth: lack of knowledge/competence, laziness and a bunch of excuses to not deliver or commit to the work. On the top of that: it is impossible to fire or to move this person to another part of the organization. So, how to deal with that?
This is helpful. Thanks!
there's a lot of good advice here, for sure. also, it never works. NEVER.
I think it is the kind of advice that can at least help us get some distance from the event, look at our own part in it, and see if there isn't something we do to increase the tension. That may be helpful in and of itself.
I think I was the annoying coworker. I got treated very poorly until I was forced to quit. I'm still reeling from it. I tried to address it and it got worse. the two coworkers just stopped talking to me. I just gave up and only spoke to them during the meetings. my manager didn't really help...hindsight I should have left because it was not a good fit. but the job market isn't as good as they lead you to believe.
LOL. I’m using the last resort a lot 😂.
I wish I had seen this earlier 😅 never too late to learn 😊
Work relationships are really an arranged marriage. A shotgun arranged marriage. When they work out, it’s heaven.
go to a better job, some people are not sane and nasty not worth working with; your sanity comes first
I cannot take if someone forces me to do extra work. Here, my coworker, he tells in the meeting to give extra work to me. Highlighting me, triggering me, but the manager knows that I am already loaded with work. Not sure how to react. I am feared that, I will shout at him someday. Please suggest
Be firm and polite. Tell your co-worker & boss together that your workload is at full capacity, you don't have the time, energy nor wherewithal to take on extra work. Even if your boss offers you overtime payment turn them down because no job is worth having a heart attack for.
the realiity is it not really about them the people you cant stand reveals a personnel truth about you
they are mirror reflecting back to you what you need to work on dont get me wrong if your dealing with a toxic narcisist
this become a whole different story
I am expecting that have the full cognitive diamond knowledge, and they understand when they are not wanted and expected to keep distance. There no science in being decent and keep distance or walk away , when you see your level is not matching the co/workers level.
So simple, I saw you, I understood who you are , I understand your standards, your expectations and as an adult thinking, I retire in my own work, at my own PC and try to avoid you because you are stress factor. You don´´t conquest anything by pushing into a relation, with a person that can stand you ( due the personal values or other reasons)
Useful tips
Bem, e como lidar com pessoas competitivas que fazem questão de te subordinar para tentar destaque, ou apenas prazer sádico mesmo? É muito difícil e sutil, mas tem pessoas que realmente não tem o básico que é disposição colaborativa e jogo limpo. Elas se aproveitam de seus mil privilégios para poderem concorrer em alto nível pisando em outras pessoas.
In a previous employment situation: He took advantage of my state’s leave policy and was gone six times in six months. Pretty sure there was a habit of some kind. He continued to milk every leave for all it was worth while my workload doubled. He faked feeling bad about it. He would belittle everyone else when he was in the workplace. He just had a bad personality and was strategic about getting what he wanted. He used Drs too. I would like to thank the law makers in my state for creating laws that promote dysfunction in the workplace and burn out good employees faster than average. Great policies.
Supper cool content
I tried. N I don’t care if they like me or not. I cannot work w people who are lazy , narcissistic n manipulative…I ignore if possible, but sometimes I can’t. If person is slow or methodical, n meticulous, and kind, I can forego the other, but these 3 traits, I just cannot.
The person I can’t stand is the coworker who is habitually late. It’s an open secret and has become a running joke in our office. Management and everyone knows it but somehow refuses to address it. I can’t work with people I can’t depend on so I ignore it and refuse to work with him.
Send a little smile.
I work with a co-worker who doesn't do what I ask her, it turns out that we work in pairs, I need her to open the process so I can buy things, so I need to constantly remind her.
She has a right of her own, as well, if you are not her boss.
I just put together an award for him. It consisted of a Spider-Man sippy cup hot-glue gunned to a small board with the quote, "There, there ______....if not for A, then it'd be something, or someone else." I was tempted to superglue it to his wall, but I chose a 3M adhesive removable strip. Just in case I needed to upgrade the sippy cup to the baby bottle.
Amy Gallo is great, and may need their own channel 👍
Right! I can't work with someone I can't stand even if they don't say a word. There is still tension, and this is no fun. Screw this. It's going to affect your health. This is why good managers only have people who work well together. It's the old bird of a feather thing.
The first part of gaslighting and blame shifting. Some people are just toxic.
She is 100% blame shifting.
What if she is just plain lazy and doesn’t want to take responsibility to rectify her mistakes?
Q: how to be around a co-worker who is low-key racist but wouldn't show it and keeps bugging me without any logical reason and I can't do anything about it but I know they're racist?
How do you know they're racist if they don't show it, genuine question
@@Qrtuop subtle clues
Bullies should get fired and not ignored, they are NO good for any Organisation neither do they help you to grow
I just focus on quietly interviewing and quit with a 2 week notice, without even badmouthing the other person. What’s the point of that?
it's my father, asian dad, i do want to talk normal conversation, but somehow it turns into argument always. even if i agree with him he attacks verbally, i think the underlying reason might be high expectations and ambition, which i am not able to achieving or not competent enough.
unlike your friend, spouse you can not change your family.
how work with no-standed? well, its simple since we are all goal oriented... right?
The fact that this video just popped up on my feed is proof that google is listening to my thoughts. Scary....
Great video though! :)
What when the behavior (in the form of sarcasm sometimes) is part of management and the organization's culture?
Plan and run.
Life is short to be spend with jerks.
You lost me at work with them in a project lol. No thank you,!!! 😂😂😂
Gut-wrenching to deal with this 😣
Oh Ms Amy i need you to be my communication coach …
all I can say is life is hard on so many levels.
You know, it's okay to dislike people, but don't show it. Keep it to yourself. I had a coworker I disliked from the beginning (let's call him Tom). He started a conversation about a man's right to hit women for seIf-defense. I proposed a different topic. And he seemed kind of...clownish and obnoxious during our shifts together. He did not make a good first impression. And I remember when approaching him and this baker in the kitchen. I asked "Harassing the bakery, Tom?" He asked why I thought that, and I said, "Because you're Tom." Later that day, during a lunch break, he sat far away from me and another coworker. I said, "Wow, you must really not like us." He gave a facial expression to indicate so, and when my tablemate asked what he did, the guy said, "You're fine, [name]." I realized this was about *me.* He'd been detached and quiet around me since that day. I remember when I complimented his haircut, he said "thanks" emotionlessly and I picked up on his dislike and that I must've done something. I didn't realize what I did. I spoke to the baker about it, since she was in the room at the time. She reminded me of what I said to Tom the other day.
Now here's the interesting thing. Tom saved my life. I suddenly forgot about his "obnoxious" personality. I realized that I was wrong to have insulted him. I had a reason to not like him, but I should've kept it to myself. But I don't dislike him anymore. He's a hero, and there is good in him, even despite the first impression and his lack of filter. And he had a right to be cold around me. He was wrong to talk about a sensitive topic at work, and I was wrong to imply he's a problem and _not_ get it when he was clearly offended. I didn't understand in the moment, and I didn't understand later. I had to hear an explanation from someone else. That's my fault. I was too shallow to think for myself.
By the way, in case it influences anyone's opinion, I'm technically a female; I'm just non-binary and go by John. I know gender norms influence opinions and "morals," (as Tom indicated) and I figured you all needed to know what I am first.
Coping mechanisms... But the fact of the matter is that you still dislike them... I doubt you would want them as uour friend.
Doesn’t work on submarine. Unfortunately.
Headphone 😊
This better, you can avoid anytime .The worse is if married with someone you can't stand it 😂
How about if the person is your manager? Please help me with my micromanaging manager. Thanks
Micrimanafing and because they are your voss - taking your great ideas and strategies and making them they're own - since they have direct cintact with upper eschelon all while getting about $59K more in salary ... my cuurent predicament so adding to the S.O.S. nature of "what if this petson is your boss?!"
What if they are trying to replace, discredit and mob you?
I am watching this to deal with my mother in law in the most sane manner possible without me losing my shit😅
Why would you choose to?
When other people are asshole, why should I put forth all this effort? Just minimize contact and gray rock them.
Some single older co workers have no life. Over share. Gossip. Awful interacting with emotionally needy people.
But what if you are yourself that someone you can't stand?
Yes, this is my problem too and i feel like no one else can stand me either. They only put up with me because i work so hard for so little money. I feel like everywhere i work, I bring the whole team down with my depression and am b1tched about.
I'm in customer service. It's the moaning Myrtle customers not staff that are sapping the life out of me. Ive looked for other jobs but oneone wants a 62 year old it seems.😢
I hope you are doing okay sir.
Must happen a lot a Harvard.
Or just send them this video. I just did BTW.
I have a part-time job at a hospital. At first, it was cute and funny now it's just hurtful. Constantly funnily saying nasty things. I'm done now I told her just don't talk to me.😅😅😅😅😅😅
Lmao all these things are no use. When you are irritated because you have to pick up after an incompetent coworker who just isn't interested in learning how to fulfil his responsibilities, it's not about me or "who this person reminds me of".
Put on the armor of Hashem on you and remember David who's boss (King Saul) literally tried to kill him!
How about bribery? you can give them random gifts and agree with everything they say in a meeting. What's that called?
Brown-nosing? Ass kissing? Ew.
I'd do what Dr. House do😅😂
HBR isn't thinking about the USPS
if we did a sample of 1000 employees having a day there way I don't think anything will ever get done. The way you picturing the work environment is something of a bad situation that you can make it into a good day. So what you are giving us is something most employees will never get in those circumstances. Maybe perhaps 3D with you sound like an encyclopedia.
She’s teaching people HR speak, duplicitous and conniving.