What to Do When You Don’t Feel a Spark…
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 ก.ย. 2024
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My brother-in-law owes me big. He and my sister had a long distance relationship when they first started off. Once, he came to visit, and after he left, my sister, rather dismayed, said she was not feeling a spark. I told her love is not always a fireworks show, that sometimes it grows slowly, and that she shouldn't let herself get swept around by flights of fancy. She agreed. It helped her get her head on straight. Within about 6 months, they were engaged, and now are happily married with 3 kids. I proudly take the credit for that lol
He does owe you. A lovely outcome. I guess you saw he had good qualities and would treat your sister well.
I think it's better to tell someone that you're just not attracted to them, as opposed to telling them their characteristics or personality traits aren't what you're looking for. Because no one can help who they're attracted to. A person can be very attractive, but that doesn't mean we're attracted. Hopefully, they will know that & understand.
No. Saying ANY of that hurts someone deeply. Best to just say you don't feel it is a match...or you don't feel a connection.
@@Ivy285 Wrong, as a guy, just flat out tell me you're not attracted to me. Sure beats the bullshit of there's no chemistry, connection, spark, etc. As an added bonus, tell me where the biggest disconnect is between my actual physical appearance and the photos.
@@Ivy285 I disagree. It's so banal to say that it's insulting
No, as a dude, I'm advising that you just say "I'm not feeling this" to him. Don't use attraction or personality in your explanation. Keep it neutral. Besides, he might not be feeling you either.
She shouldn't struggle. Men reject women all the time based on appearances, and he should have been honest about who he is in order to make sure he's finding the right partner for him. You shouldn't have to mislead anybody in order to get them to meet you and "give you a chance."
Yes! As a woman, I got rejected because of being "fat" (I was never rly fat lol), "didn't dress up in a sexy way" (even though that guy admitted that I looked exactly like my profile), "wear glasses", "no big boobs" blablabla. Everyone should be honest but also polite at the same time. A simple "we don't click" will work. No one has the rights to comment on others' appearance.
Being clear and honest with someone (in a respectful way) is often the kind thing to do, for them and yourself in the long run
If he lied on his dating profile, he'll lie later on. Sure, maybe someone doesn't look exactly like their photo, but there were several differences not just one. He obviously did that on purpose.
At least be honest with your pics! That going to come out anyway when you meet first thing
I don't see the problem, they had a connection. Why does it matter that he is shorter and heavier than he said on his profile? Those are superficial things anyway? Ladies lie about their age all the time on apps, and that does not mean they are bad people, just aware of the difficulties older women face, why is it such a crime if a guy lies about his height? What matters is their connection, not his height?
That's why it's important not to waste time getting to know someone without meeting and facetime before meeting to be safe and verify.
The line to use is: we are not a match. If they ask any more questions, repeat the answer.
Or "I'm not really feeling this". That "match" word sounds very "relationship" rather than dating.
I say my truth,
being authentic,
listen to my intuition,
my body said clearly "NO" to this man,
whom I had over several weeks online connection,
after our telephone call
I felt no attraction,
no connection,
nothing deeper,
feeling of boring conversation...
I felt very released,
happy to love myself ❤
(as I
Ever since I listened to Matt and his book..I learned to say how I feel... I'll say it whether they get hurt or not rather not say it then they'll feel it distance. We adults and should take it like an adult.. that's just me. I have been quiet for so long and I'm not going to be coz I don't wanna be a bad person. Telling the truth is not being bad person.
Also to friends who might get hurt & don't want to be friends anymore? 🙈
"We adults". Lets fix that if you want a high level dude.
Something about his delivery and voice, he actually makes you feel like everything is going to be okay
🥹
Grateful your example was a woman. As a man, this is exceptionally tough to communicate to women you’re not interested for a physical trait. It feels wrong on a societal level now. I’m learning to get grounded in the truth.
Be kind, tell the truth. It’s the most honorable thing we can do.
I’m an older/elderly dater. I met a man who treats me like a queen and I know he cares about me. I don’t feel a spark there and he is showing signs of early dementia. I don’t want to be a bad person by hurting his feelings. I’m finding it very difficult to break it off. Wish he had full dementia so he would forget my name. The fear of hurting someone is difficult to manage.
Wooof. Sad tht hes even dating in this position.
Seems like she should remind herself and him that he lied/ mislead her.... she wasn't the bad guy.
I have never heard of "mate poaching" but that's terrifying. And Audrey's response is AMAZING made me think of the teammate dynamic in a whole new light! ❤❤❤
If I was in a situation like what the email is describing, I would be less bothered why what the guy actually looked like and more concerned with how deceptive he was with his pictures. I would pitch the conversation as “hey, I feel like some of how you presented yourself in your profile or early on wasn’t very honest to what I’ve gotten to know in person, and I’m not comfortable starting a relationship with someone willing to be misleading when getting to know each other is so important”
Hi Matthew & Audrey. " Mate Poaching" that's exactly what my Ex Friend did with my Ex Partner of 5 years when they had only met 3x in 5 years and didn't like each other. Now they are engaged after 1 year of our break up. I feel the same I don't trust other women but he also was a Cheater in his previous marriage and was cheating in ours with emails to Ex girlfriends & nasty videos.
I also find the Online dating Apps and how it takes 10 days or 2 weeks to actual meet live in person and than disappointment. So much time wasted talking, Texting but no Attraction. Dating is a Full Time Job
Thank you Mr and Mrs Hussey ❤
This part hit home - the thing your most afraid of has already happened and you have survived it!
Yessss the ship 🚢 ⬇️can't be sanked (because the captain is well experienced 🙌)
Love Audrey on the podcast and provides great insight! Keep up the good work!
You both are so incredibly brilliant. Our world is better because you are in it.
That's why I stay away from creating emotional connections on line before meeting them
Thank you! Matt said what we fear already happened. it happened and we survived.
But sometimes surviving it has left us in permanent survival. The child part is still freaked out an is running our life.
Our deepest most real self split off. We sometimes must go back again and again and process the feelings we never felt. The frozen child did not go thru many developmental Stages and literally cannot grow up. So we can become more sophisticated in the way that we talk to people, in our presentation self, and in the way we talk to our self. But we’re going to keep creating from the place of that child, and if we don’t know that we’re going to keep failing and never know why, or will keep hurting others and never know why. I think the idea that we can just talk from our minds differently to ourselves completely leaves behind the immensity of primal pain that we carry from past trauma that caused us not to be able to develop an actual adult self.
We can’t move forward unless we go back and recognize and feel what we never could feel back then. Some people are never going to create what they want and need unless they do that.
I really needed to hear this because I'm in a relationship that has lost its spark, and I don't feel in love anymore. I was struggling with the guilt of breaking up and worried it made me a bad person. But now, I realize my feelings don't make me a bad guy. What would make me a bad guy is staying in a relationship where I'm not fully committed or in love. Thank you for helping me see this clearly. ❤
Matthew, congratulations on the marriage! Audrey seems to have entered seamlessly into your life and your mission - happy for you.
I think for women it could be really dangerous. I’m personally scared that the guy could get mad and do something
And if you want to end the relationship but are too afraid to tell them how you feel because of fear of hurting them, and not just lose them as a partner but as a friend too, but the things is it will hurt more living a lie in the relationship, and you should do what’s best for your well being, think to yourself, when I’m with this person, am I really happy ? 💁🏻♀️
And not to mention that a lot of the partners will feel that disconnect and stress- am I suddenly insecure? am I imagining things? what's going on?? That's sure as heck what happened to me in my last relationship and it was a lot more painful for a lot longer than it needed to be.
5 minutes in to the scenario, I've had exactly the same, we got on well chatting. But huge misrepresentation by an online dater. 15 year old photos, totally different looking. He lied about fitness (enjoys hiking) and mobility, weight (morbidly obese awaiting gastric surgery), smoker. He was absolutely insistent he looked like his photos. Non-smoker was an deal-breaker for me! He couldn't hardly walk. That's no basis for a relationship to start with lies. He got nasty and argumentative when I said it wasn't for me and asked why when we got on so well. I pointed out misrepresentation of his profile and he said I was superficial and thought too much of myself (and I wasn't that pretty in real life anyway). Bye!
You mean being a smoker was a deal-breaker for you, right?
That was just a very insecure man and he reflected that on to you. You are so in the right for pointing that out! Lying is a massive no in all cases and we shouldn't act like it isn't. Glad you stood up for yourself. You're better off
@@vylet2292 yes
Maybe people don't actually realize how much one can change. Maybe they really see themselfes like in younger years. Might happen to ourselves, too 🤷🏻♀️
Next time, insist on a video chat within 3 days of chatting. He sounds absurd.
Chemistry is not compatibility!
@@CarrieLovesLife. attraction isn’t chemistry, although related. Chemistry is just that, chemical. We don’t develop it. Attraction can be built and it can use chemistry as a stepping stone. For example you can have chemistry with someone you don’t necessarily respect, but it’s hard to be attracted to them. That’s why attraction is necessary along with compatibility.
No chemistry is not a match as well
Right. Chemistry is the study of ions, protons, neutrons, and electrons. The study of atomic bonds and atoms themselves. Also compounds and chemical reactions! I love chemistry 🧪❤
@@char2723 omg don’t get me started! We could nerd out here for hours 💗
Remembering some of your dating advice, so our scenario is where we are either dating or In a relationship with each other and you’ve been together for a while and suddenly you realise there’s no spark, my opinion, I’d probably try figure out what excites my partner and then try go with that, add something new into the relationship to spice up the romance a little, hoping that will impress your partner, or if theres something bothering your partner that’s prevented them to be in the mood, it woke hurt to ask them what’s wrong, that should then allow them to open up to you about their feelings, then if you both know what it is that’s losing the spark, then you could try fix it, try work things out as a couple, then a few weeks later still nothing is working, that’s the time to realise that the relationship doesn’t feel normal because you’re not being intimate enough to please each other in the moment, and if the situation is making you both unhappy you’ve got 2 options, get counseling based on your relationship or end the relationship and find someone else that can give you that spark instantly, and don’t forget to ask your partner consent first before trying to be intimate with them, asking for permission is respect 😊✌🏼
Thank you so much for this episode. This came just in time! I needed to have the tough conversation with someone I went out on 4 dates. No chemistry - just friendship. I did it! Was brave! It actually went really well and he appreciated me bringing it up and felt hus respect towards me. Thank you for all the wonderful nuggets Audrey and Matthew ❤. PS. Love being part of Love Life Club. I have learned sooooo much. Love from Las Vegas.
I definitely had a stalker for years after rejecting him😅😂
Been ghosted not long ago by a guy that I liked. We connected on some level and thought that out of respect he would say so we didn't click. I thought we were friends but I guess not. So I ghosted him back . He was advertising himself sooo hard something like : I got hands like sledgehammers etc I knew he was slim build and wasn't that big as he said ge was. But still was surprised. Why to sell a story about you're that or that if you're obviously not? Honesty is the key! Yes he was good looking but I was disappointed more about how he is in person, meaning how he behaves. I never said to him I'm something that I'm obviously not,what's the point?? He was the kind of person that would encourage communication if something isn't right I need to tell him, but wasn't able to communicate himself. That experience has helped me to realize few things, meaning what I'm looking for or what I want from a future partner or what I wouldn't be able to accept.the biggest thing I wouldn't be able to accept is lack of communication and lack of respect or honesty.
Get into my sinkhole guys...hahahahaa!!!
I just finished reading your book, so many mind blown moments.
Thank you! This is wonderful. It’s true- when you say things from the heart, the words are not as important- I’d get paralyzed trying to find the right words. When I learned to let go of that & simply speak from the heart magic happened- for all involved. The energy of the message carries us though
As someone who has previously been stalked it’s extremely important to nip things in the bud quickly, rather than give someone you are feeling somewhat sorry for or unsure of a chance.
In the 10 years I’ve watched your videos, I think this one is my favourite
Someone being creepy doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to creep everyone out. They might not have the same type of interest in other people yet they might have ill intent toward another, as in an improper sexual attraction. Everyone should develop their own perceptions based upon their own observations. Don’t try to quell someone else’s perception since it might one day save their life.
As for no attraction you could honestly say that prior to getting together you honestly thought there’d be some level of attraction. You were surprised when you didn’t feel a spark of attraction so you were trying to figure out why. Was it something going on with your own emotional mindset or overly tired or something else? I don’t think it was anything related to you because you look fine.( A little white lie to save someone’s dignity is kinder in the long run) just tell them since I can’t figure it out I think it’s best for me to let you know this instead of making you miss an opportunity with someone else who might be better suited for you. I don’t think they could fault you for putting his feelings first, wouldn’t you agree?
Awww! You can tell he really likes her. His eyes are settled on her and his pupils are dialated just a little! I love seeing this couple in action! Action Paction babyyyy! 🥵
So where does it tell me how I can start a spark??
I’m going thru this right now and I just messaged him with your advices. Thank you Matt and Audrey!
One issue I haven't heard thus far about why she might feel anxious/uncomfortable about hurting his feelings, and afraid he might get mad: She could also very well be worried about her physical safety, but might feel "silly" about admitting to that; so many people scoff at it. I've been there, having my physical safety threatened by a couple of different "first-time" dates when they asked me out for a second date when I kindly responded that they weren't a match for me. In your client's case, it may not be the situation/concern for her, but it certainly was/has been for me, and others in these dating situations that are a "no thank you" for you.
Sure...a lot of crazy ladies who always think they are victims out there. Watch out, guys.
Does this mean you NEED a spark? Its confusing, some people say "real love" is actually built quite slowly. So, where is that line? Also, there are certain things I need to have a satisfying sex life, but haven't found a way to politely ask if a person meets that those needs without having sex. Ugh
I think you do need a bit of physical attraction. But the spark in and of itself is not really a reflection of how good that person is a partner in a long term relationship. Sparks usually do not lead to long lasting fires, but very fast burning ones. Just because you spark with somebody means basically nothing for a healthy long term relationship.
That is why a love building mentality is a better way to go about it I would say. IF you expect Hollywood - Disney type of spark thing, you are in for quite a lot of disappointments.
I believe there are many female friends that I have that need to improve their filters on how they feel about a relationship I am in. Definitely have friends that act like they get to decide my life. I have had to stop answering their questions about my dating life. I let my friends have their experiences and just support them. I like Matthews input that some go too far with their input.
It's your life and unsolicited advice is often not helpful.
People these days don't appreciate it anymore when you're THAT honest. Some even insult you afterwards 😢
Everyones ego is hurt when you hear those words.
& woman are afraid of men to start salking her. There is so little you can do about it.
And "things you are most afraid of have already happend to you & you survived them" - yes maybe, but on what cost & efford, that you don't want to experience that ever again.
Excellent subject.
Loved this! You guys are amazing together ❤
Very nice topic Matthew and Audrey about relationship thanks both of you 💕🤍
I’m worried if I come to the retreat a hurricane will blow on in …😂 It will be all my fault 🤦♀️
Not to worry,,,that’s just life in Florida🤪
Love you two! Can we have stephan and jamieson back too though please? :)
Not once did they tell her that attraction is not a priority while building a good relation or did I miss it
I want to feel close to my partner but whenever he distant himself I do the same like he's very stressed right now and I know I haven't been that supportive because I'm panicking but I will try to be patient
Frustrating that the retreat cost isn't listed anywhere I can find on the website.
Hey Jess! We apologize for the inconvenience! You can email our support team at support@matthewhussey.com and they'll connect you with our Retreats team directly 🤗 -Bianca, MH team
Feeling like I am being shallow, or being perceived as shallow makes me feel like a bad person.
Attraction isn’t shallow. It matters. And the fact that he misled her isn’t fair to her. It’s ok to want attraction. It doesn’t mean the person is perfect but there is something between you. Not shallow at all ❤
Thank you Matthew
matthew would you be able to help, I'm a widow, and has been years since I dated, I want to dip my toe into the water but worried do I mention I'm a widow, will this make me look vulnerable, onsite website scare me and don't know how to read between the lines, so you have any guideline to start this journey thanks lisa
Of course you can/should tell you are a widow. Wouldn't you like to get a similar information from the person you are meeting? I'm a widow myself.
I think it would make you look brave. Because you are
Don't tell them! Too much Info at first. Tell them after you've gotten them to know a little better, after the 5th date.
Hi i just stumbled on this channel and I wonder where you take your teaching, knowledge from?
Did you study or work in a related field or is it based on personal experience? Thanks to anyone answering :)
While I don't disagree and don't say this to invalidate the conclusion. The fear here isn't "i'm a bad person for delivering the truth". The fear is "I'm a bad person for this being the truth".
That being that she was attracted to him until she saw what he looked like.
It is still the case that he deceived her about a significant aspect of who he was and more importantly he deceived her at all and therefor does not deserve the consideration she's showing him. But don't misunderstand the reason she's worried about being "a bad person".
Saying "you're not a bad person for delivering the truth" is correct but does nothing to address the problem.
I have a friend that’s a guy
And he likes another girl
He tells me all about her
And I kinda get annoyed
But I have a little secret
I don’t know if I should spill
But I kind of like this guy
Should I even tell him still????
They should never meet or call each other and just chat forever because physical attraction means "spark"
But then someone would say, it is God's way of directing you to another person.
I mean, he catfished her. If I was her I would’ve been pissed and ended it right there. It’s ridiculous to me for her to feel bad/consider his feelings when he lied to and mislead her for weeks.
I had a dream about you guys. Audrey, Steve, Matt et al. We met up in space, in a space shuttle or something like the ISS, a space station. 😊 Not much happened.
Maybe she’s afraid to acknowledge her own angry or disappointed feelings over him deceiving her. Which when coupled with a fear of confrontation (even if that’s only perceived) and a high degree of agreeableness, she’ll feel like a deer in headlights.
If they misrepresented themselves like this then what else are they hiding & lying about 😮😅😅😅😅 Fact
I'm a dude. DON'T put so much stock in The Big Spark on a first date, ladies. Unless you see a real deal breaker, do 2 dates with him.
So, is "the spark" always right? It's what i got from this video.
No, just a starting point.
She could have used the "you lied to me card" the "missrepresentation was clear and not right...
I've signed up for the Friday emails twice and still not happening! Starting to feel rejected 😞
Hey there! Please email our support team at support@matthewhussey.com and they'll help you register 😃 -Bianca, MH team
What's the email please ?
Was it only about his height or also about his weight and appearace?
I mean, if you hide your weight, maybe it’s ok? But like appearance is a little bit acceptable… due to filters… I am a little confused, to be honest
💜💜💜
How deep are these physical lies exactly? Starting with height, is he 5'10 or 5'11 and put 6'0 in his bio and wears stylish combat boots to come across as 6'0? Or is he say, 5'7" and listed himself as 6'0? Because given the way filtering works in dating apps and how most men struggle to get matches, it's easy to see why he would put in 6'0, especially considering many women under 5'4" filter in 6'0 and above and truthfully they can't tell the difference between 5'10 and 6'0. Either way, you're about a whole head taller than her and you're bending down a lot to kiss her. As for weight? Again, how much are we talking here? Is it 10-25 lbs more than expected or 50+ lbs more than expected? Because if it's the former rather than the later, from experience, women better be careful before they judge any man here...
Also, us men don't have makeup like women to cover up our facial imperfections. We can maybe groom a beard well to cover up imperfections around the chin area, but that's it. If you're a guy who struggles with eyebags, like many women do but cover up with makeup, you're sort of fucked. I wish women had more empathy regarding men who struggle with their physical appearance, most of which cannot be changed through say diet, working out, or a skin care routine - but alas - we live in the misandrist west.
Sorry, you must've heard this a billion times. And no offense but you must be Daniel Radcliff's secret twin!!!
🤗❤️
why does she have to say something? just block him and disappear
The safest & easiest way 😏
They had developed a bit of a connection so quite harsh.
Haha men just ghost without caring
Women do that too.
@@Alnivol666 mostly men
@@tjotjo6140 it is not mostly men. Sorry to break it to you. It may seem like that to you. Statistically though...nope.
@@Alnivol666 i accept your opinion have a nice day
@@tjotjo6140 It's not even close. Women do most of the ghosting on dating apps. The amount of women I have who match me, answer my opening line, and then disappear is insane.