For a French audience/readers, I do recommend all the books by Christophe Fauré especially Vivre le deuil au jour le jour, he was, and still is, among rare french serious ressources to go to. Also the Vivre son Deuil association fonded by the psychanalyst Michel Hanus at a time there was nothing to go to and death and grief were a total tabou. This association is validated as "of public utility" by the public services.
Kati, why should anybody believe you after you disgraced the modern therapy profession? Many people cannot and do not want to be duped by people who refer to themselves as "therapists", but in reality they have more semblance to Privileged Karens
Grief changes the life of the person who stays behind. But one can try to understand the process of it, the reasons of it, the mechanics of one special relationship, the story and the history of a relationship, what was at work, how one was impacted, how one can continue without, ... For some, comprehension is key, not always easy but trying to understand helps to redirect this pain. I would not say it gives it a purpose because there is no purpose in pain, it just is because of our personal story/history. Comprehension or search for it gives perspective, it does not cancel one's grief.
One of the most powerful thing my therapist told me was “ I have worked with many grieving people but never someone who lost their soulmate”. I’d waited until I was 61 to meet my person. We married and he suddenly died 9 months later. Still grieving and will think of him and his love for me everyday…always.
oh friend. i am so sorry for your loss. i lost both a platonic and romantic soulmate before i turned 26. the pain is immeasurable, and the impact they had on my life is why i keep going. it’s bittersweet. i hope you find peace, i hope you experience the days where grief comes with smiles and good memories instead of pain from their absence. honor your soulmate wherever you can, keep their memory alive as long as you are here. 🫶🏻
It’s going on 7 years since I lost my twin to suicide and quite literally everyone except my mom has dropped me because they are sick of the fact that I’m still “stuck” in grief. I feel bad that I make people so uncomfortable, but it’s not like it’s a choice!
I wish you would have included the grief from losing a pet. It's so hard some days thinking about the last day of having to euthanize the poor suffering soul. I'm completely haunted from the cries and the one pic i took thats still in my phone. You're so right it's so heavy some days. Loved this video
I can totally relate to the grief of losing a pet. It's only been 10 days since I lost my 14 year old fur baby. I miss him dearly, and life just isn't the same.
I agree. I have an 18 year old cat that I am TERRIFIED of losing. She is my SOULMATE, idc what anyone says. She truly understands me. I admit that I do not love nor care about anyone else or any thing to this degree. Especially since I only had her since she was 8 or 9 and having just left a toxic abuse relationship and now that I'm in safe place and somewhat recovered, it feels like I've only had her for 2 years. I've had many many days where the anticipatory grief has been very heavy and debilitating and I am so so scared for what I'll become when it happens. I will be very unwell and I think so for the rest of my life. I am so sorry for your loss. I am happy you were able to be with your pet when and for how long you were able to.
I'm a therapist that works with people who has lost loved ones to suicide. I have also experienced all types of these losses. I have worked as a grief therapist. I have always thought that the stages are B.S. I am going to be sharing this video with my Survivor of Suicide Loss group. Thanks for this timely video.
God bless you. So few people go where you're willing to go. I lost my dad that way, and never found therapy helpful. A year later, I was rummaging around in my grandparents house, my grandad had since passed. I found a big book by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. I took it home and read it. It was nice to have a starting point.
@@suehowie152 I didn't take her post as a negative. I happen to agree with her. I was just venting my overall frustration with how the stages model has been misunderstood.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined the stages of grief for people who are dying, terminal cancer patients and such. They were not intended for people who are still living. One aspect of grief I think isn't talked about enough is disenfranchised grief-grief that you feel like you're not allowed to feel. Addicts feel it when one of their friends (who they often got high with with) dies from an overdose. Someone who had an affair (and stayed married) might feel it when the person they cheated with dies. All grief is valid grief.
Another type of disenfranchised grief is the grief you feel when you have to cut contact with a close family member or friend who has emotionally abused or neglected you - with or without their knowledge. Everyone says “oh, how dare you! Your parents did the best they could. Don’t you feel sorry for them?” Or “you know your friend couldn’t hold a job. Just give him the money. What is wrong with you?” There’s never a good enough reason, in popular awareness, to end a close relationship, not even if it kept you financially stuck or increased your suicidal ideation. It’s so hard. And it’s worse because people act like it’s not even fair for us to grieve.
My mother was autistic. She worked very hard her whole life. For me...her oldest of five.....she was overwhelming to have a relationship with. She was always on the edge of a meltdown. She passed April 2023. I felt relief....then saddness....then relief. I shredded many family photos. The photos triggered so many emotions in me that I don't want to experience anymore.
I lost my dad in a car accident 59 years ago. Just to mention of his name makes me weep. 10 years ago, I went through two years of grief therapy. I avoided it for 49 years, not intentionally. But when the grief hit, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not sure if there was any stages in my grief. This was a great video.
My wife passed away on March 31st, 2015 at 5:11 am. She let go after I said a simple prayer while holding her hand. It was bittersweet. Ever since then, at 11 minutes past the hour, I take a moment and kiss her urn. For just a fleeting moment, I can truly feel her sweet kiss and warm embrace. It has been almost 10 years now, and I still grieve her loss. I have cycled through all the stages of grief except for anger. I will never be angry with her.
I'm with you there. No one prepares you for how many conflicting emotions there are surrounding this. A lot of grief counselling doesn't really cover it.
I lost my mom about 4 years ago when I was 20 and I never went through the denial stage or the bargaining stage. I was just mad; like really mad. I remember just having this anger and lashing out at anyone who said "I know how you feel." That was an insult. My mom will never meet my partner, she will never help pick out my wedding dress, she will never crochet a baby blanket for my children like she promised. I still feel that sadness and anger and it's been 4 years.
I think it’s ok to be angry. That’s completely valid. I lost a best friend to a car accident at 17 and I was very angry too, at the world, at god, at anyone who was able to get on with life with him gone. I dunno what changed or when. I won’t promise you that it will. But I just wanted to say that whatever you feel is ok. Even if it’s anger at others.
One of my problems is that I don't have people to discuss people who've passed away with. I'm estranged from family, who turned even more toxic after the deaths, and either aren't emotionally affected or just won't acknowledge it. It's very hard to find people willing to talk about grief if they didn't know the people you need to talk about. I haven't had any support through any grief, it's all had to be done through therapy. But sometimes I just want to talk about them, just because. In the last four years I've lost both toxic parents, and thus had to deal with other toxic family members, who were more concerned about the inheritance. No emotional support or comfort whatsoever. A lovely friend, one of the kindest, sweetest people I've ever met, who I miss way more than my parents. Her family aren't good with emotions and crying felt unwelcome at her wake, so I wasn't able to express it. And my beloved cat of almost 10 years - a constant companion and pretty much the love of my life so far 🩷 I think people disregard pet grief, but it's the purest love there is, they see us in all our private moments and just want to be with us. It's been a lot to bear.
I'm currently going to griefshare, being around others that lost a loved is helping me. You don't have to be religious to be helped by it. Just talking and listening helps.
Thank you so much for talking about grief. I lost my brother and dad back in 2021 and it’s never felt the same since and I relate so heavily to this topic. Thanks for sharing.
I’ve been a widow for over 30 years. From the sudden death, a misdiagnosed heart attack, of my husband. Our kids were very young when their dad died. The grief comes back, not as strong, when the kids go through life achievements we would have celebrated together. Being a grandparent without him is sometimes sad because I know he would have loved being a grandpa. I tell people grief is something that will be with you your whole life. Not intensely as at first but there will be moments when it comes up. Anniversaries, birthdays special celebrations.
I love the way you speak. When you said “Duh…” I cracked up. Yet, I completely feel what you’re saying. Like we’re in the same room and you’re speaking to me. You’re an inspiration 😊
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I know losing a parent can be difficult. I lost my father in early 2016 yet I’ll never forget what he taught me. I can’t hug him 💔 💔Or my mom, who I loss approximately 5 months prior to the pandemic. Her loss in an odd way helped me understand the importance of understanding what many individuals were dealing with during the pandemic. I No Longer want to sound like a victim. I’m Grateful for the lesson & Powerful understanding of Radical Acceptance that I understand today. Thnx Katie.
Excellent! I'm an LMFT in Minnesota and have struggled convincing people the stages are more phases and yes you phase in and out all the time. Acceptance is not forgetting. As a minor clarification Kuebler-Ross also disavowed the 5 stages in later years. These were simply her observations. The book, was actually6 a scathing critique of the funeral industry, which capitalizes on these feelings.
My therapist made me realize that I needed to grieve my child having autism. I excepted and we rolled with the diagnosis. At a point you have to grieve your dream that wasn’t how you anticipated.
I had a couple that I was once friends with. They were Christians and got married and we're hoping to have a large godly family. But my friend had to Major train wreck pregnancies. The first pregnancy was twins and one twin died the other ended up in the NICU and has developmental delays. Then they tried again and also had a life-threatening pregnancy. That baby survived but also ended up in the Nicu with developmental delays
@@lilafeldman8630 both mine were micro preemies. 1 pound girl the one on the spectrum and then another 1 pound boy. 26-27 weeks gestation. Probably another thing I just sailed right through and didn’t deal with. 😂🤦🏽♀️. I will definitely check out the essay. Thank you
@@autumnwallace6332 some people don't like the welcome to Holland essay. But a lot of people have been helped by it. One of my best friends from childhood was born with lots of physical disabilities. Her parents weren't expecting it at all. And they found that little essay helpful. Also found hope through their church, their faith. Some of the best people that I know.
Thank you so much for making this video. I appreciated how you talked about how grief is heavy, because it really is. For the last 18 months, I've been sort of grieving the slow destruction of my old school's middle school program. Along with that, I really miss the person I was before September 2022. This video helped me a lot today. Thank you.
Grief, to me, is a mountain, tall, sharp, no way to "get over it" it will always be there. But with practice, time, and compassion, i can build a trail around it. Sometimes the trail can be difficult as well, but at a point i accept the mountain, and be glad i didn't get taken out by a rock slide, building my trail.
Thank you ❤ I have been so fortunate not to lose anyone close to me from death.... but my dad left me and the fam 6 years ago to "start his life over" shutting our family business down, selling the childhood homeand all. Including leaving my mom behind (she came to this country to be with him years ago and atill struggles with language).. Anyway, I grieve this loss daily, not a day goes by that I don't miss him and end up tearing up...then I think of my mom and how she didnt deserve that from a man she built her life with and that hurts too.... value your content, thanks❤
As a speech pathologist, I work with children with disabilities. Often times the children’s parents are working through grief regarding their disabled children. Sometimes parents will lash out at teachers and service providers from a place of grief and mourning. I try to be supportive as I can because it’s clear to me that they are working through grief that could last many years. It’s that grieving the loss of a dream that you spoke about.
I lost my nephew to a rare cancer last year. The ups and downs of hope, grief, sadness, have been messy and non-linear. One of the tougher things to deal with in loss and grief, is that life just ... happens. Awful things can just appear in your life, regardless of what other stuff is going on. The progression of the tragedy didn't fit into a neat narrative where stuff made sense. In fact, some developments felt cosmically cruel in their timing. At times, setbacks happened on the absolute worst moment they could have happened. I think the "five stages" model is yet another way we try to assert control on the chaos. It gives the illusion that even in the death of a loved one, we can follow a template and control our reality, such that we can return to a status quo and regain some kind of innocence on the other side of a big upset. The harder (but I think more rewarding) work is to sit with your suffering and let it teach you something. I know that for me, it's taught me reflect on how precious life is, how short it is, how death and misfortune is what binds us all as people. There are a lot of things I used to obsess over that I just plain no longer care about. They just don't matter anymore, in the grand scheme of things. It can be horribly painful, but I think it can also lead to growth. It will never not hurt that my nephew was denied a full life on this Earth and that he had to suffer so needlessly. But I shouldn't ever try to "make it okay". It would dishonor his memory to do so. What I can do is integrate that hurt into my life in ways that make me live better.
Kati, you are such an inspiration and loving person. I love your raw emotions. The fact that you have experienced these issues too, and can relate, makes it that much more helpful to watch/listen to your videos. Your explanations and advice have been so beneficial to me. I’m grieving a 20 year relationship that became toxic and dysfunctional. It took me 2 years to decide to leave and start over on my own. I’ve been totally disregarded and disrespected by this partner since I made this decision. It turned out, at the end, he showed me a side of him I never knew existed. We had many good times together and great memories. I know I made the right decision in leaving, but it still is a loss. I’m in counseling right now and hoping, with time, that I can adjust to the loss and new life I am living. Thank you so much for your help.
Ive never experienced death yet So I never recognise grief in my life. Your words really opened my mind to the broader context of grief, the idea that grief can be felt over things that never came to fruition is a better example of how I feel. I had anorexia for 3 years, I lost myself twice, once in the thick of it and once again in recovery and having to process the time I lost and the relationships I damaged. I’ve been stuck in the same place for years because my mind can’t find a way to accept it, I feel so angry with myself and seeing people my age who have kept up with life and not derailed themselves, makes me feel worthles in my self esteem as there is no reasoning or blame for my past other than myself. Rather than pinning myself down to blame and guilt, if I try allowing myself to feel grief about it and letting it grow around me instead of in me, I might be more compassionate towards myself and that could hopefully aid me in the right direction to proper treatment. Thank you for talking in detail about this and how it is often unrecognisable or felt as something else
This topic holds immense significance. Let me share my journey: three decades ago, I experienced the loss of my grandmother, who was the closest person in my life. I mourned her passing for a day. Some years later, my mother passed away. While our bond wasn't as strong, we stayed in touch. Strangely, I hardly grieved at all. Two decades after that, my world shattered with the loss of my father, whom I deeply cherished. Again, I grieved briefly. A year later, I faced the loss of several aunts and uncles, until eventually, my entire family, save for my siblings, was gone. Surprisingly, I shed few tears for any of them, yet each one left an indelible mark on my life. I'm perplexed. I can't comprehend it! Is there something inherently wrong with me? I must mention that my mental health, marked by anxiety, depression, and insomnia, has deteriorated significantly. Could there be a connection? Is something awry within me? Do I need to allow myself to grieve to alleviate the anxieties that torment me now? And if so, how can I be certain? I would greatly appreciate some guidance.
I lost my mother around 8 months ago, im still grieving. With depression in the past not related to my mother what helped me most was omega 3 fish oil and L tyrosine for depression and gaba, magnesium, taurine and breathing exercises for anxiety.
I've grieved my parent for 6 years now, and all those stages comes back in random order. I've also grieved my old self for a long time, and the life I could've had if I never were bullied or got burned out. I'm FULL of grief.
Sorry for your loss. I also lost my dad on Colon cancer 5 years ago. My dad sufferd from Thyroid cancer too. The otherday I parcitipated on a seminar about thyroid Nodules ( I am a physician) and I was frozen. I dissociated and since then I feel a lot of panic attacks. That really is a struggle.
I recently lost two dear friends, both unexpectedly. One person passed at the hospital, and the other was murdered. My grief is marked with anger and regret. The murder has deeply affected me because she asked me to tell the authorities about the abuse and the death threats if anything happened to her, but they dont believe me. He's going to get away with murdering my friend. I miss my friends already.
I lost both my Grandfather to old age, and my cousin to a drug overdose in a short period of time, and I never had the time to grieve at all. Still coming to terms with their passing a few years later and I'm not even sure what grieving properly looks like for me right now. Thanks for the video!
Thank you for this video. Perfect timing for me. Lost our beloved dog a few days ago - a beautiful soul - and it really sucks. I agree that the grieving process isn’t linear and it can be attached to other things e.g., grief around not having children. Thanks again 🐾🌈
Going through grief, having the guilt of being in grief, and then the pressure of not 'doing grief right' can be unbearable. THANK YOU for calling the stages as bull**** and allowing me grieve as I will.
Sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost mine at 31. Three weeks before he died we had a falling out. He said he never wanted to see me again. Then died suddenly from an aneurism. Be careful what you wish for. I don't think I will ever stop grieving that.
Thank you for saying it's normal for grief to last a long time!!! ❤ I hate how you mostly only get a year to grief and then you should move on and how everyone expects grief to go away. When I got the question: "When do you expect you will be over it?" my immediate answer was: never and I still stand by it. I will never get over the loss of my father, he was my father, he was there from before I was born. I didn't have a life before I met my father, how do you expect me to know how to live without him? A friend's loss is different, still never going to forget her, but I did have a live before I knew her, I know how to live without her, still miss her from time to time, but it's not as big as the grief for my father. I just don't understand how people expect you to 'get over' someone you were really close to in a year, let alone 6 months?? Maybe that can apply to someone you were less close to, but not to a parent, sibling, partner, child or even a very close friend. I also shed some tears when you talked about the friend who chechked in after a few months because she knew that people forget, that is indeed the kind of people you need in those times, bless her (and your mom and you too). 🫂🫂
Grief never goes away it just changes, here we are a day before Mother’s Day and I’m a wreck and it’s been 4 years, difference is before it was weeks of being a wreck now it’s days, it changes it matures but grief never leaves
Having grief as a diagnosis is absolutely wild to me. Yes good for people to get treatment and insurance companies but grief in my experience isn’t something we get over in all types of forms especially losing a loved one and losing lack of physical ability is huge. I feel that the healthiest point is to learn to live with the grief but I don’t believe we ever truly get over grief it is a journey to me. Also anniversary dates, holidays etc are massive triggers I feel for most people I know for me my grief is most intense during holidays. Also yes it’s so true that when someone passes you get an outpouring of support and then it disappears it’s like grieving the lack of support on top of the actual grief checking in is great.
Both of my parents passed away within a year of each other after being very ill. I was at my dad's bedside when he passed away. All of my family have passed away now. Complicated grief makes perfect sense with all this. It's like I'm crying all the time inside. Understanding narcissism has helped a lot in healing (from other things, not just bereavement) and I'm doing a lot better now. If you believe in spiritual things I feel I am a lightworker. This has given me some hope. Hope it's okay to share this personal thing.
Excellent video!!! You are bang on. There is all kinds of grief. Everyone is different and feels things different. I have suffered so many poses in a short period of time. It has taken a lot of work on my part and some counciling to pull myself together again.
Anticipatory grief was horrible. Spent close to a decade trying to pre-empt the drama that was inevitably coming. Ended up manifesting in autoimmune disorder: lost my hair, body weight - my doctor thought I had cancer. In the end, I just went numb emotionally. By prioritising me, my health recovered mostly. I hope everyone figures their pathway soon.
I lost my Mom to suicide almost 3 years ago and I feel like I've been on autopilot for a long time. I don't feel like I've been moving through any stages.
Thank you soooooo much! I am grieving the death of my longest dearest friend. Over 50 years! I thought I was stuck in denial and I was afraid of other “stages”. Now I am comforted and less afraid of grief since watching your vid.
I think I have prolonged grief because of my son’s birth injury. I’m grateful he survived… but I find myself grieving over his disability. He has two male cousins born at the same time so it’s in my face constantly. I’m fine most of the time , but I experience grief periodically and it’s just as strong and fresh.
Thank you for this, you really hit the nail on the head especially given the fact you’re referring to grief as going beyond mourning the loss of a loved one. I always felt ill at ease during therapy sessions but I’m glad to see different perspectives or better still I’m glad that I’m witnessing therapy as a field evolving and improving as though it were a living breathing thing. I was in therapy from around 2007-2017ish I believe. I live in a country where it used to be really stigmatizing considering we were somewhat backwards in different areas of study and found it off-putting quite frankly as I didn’t get much out of it but I’d like to give it a second chance now almost a decade later. I’m 31 years old and I have it so much better than a lot of other people but I feel as though I’m still grieving for a ton of things in life, to the point of impaired functioning among other things. Thanks again for this, it’s so validating and I truly appreciate it.❤
Oh my gosh you so nailed it. I love the analogy about the backpack. That is what I have felt for 2 years now; so now I realize why I can’t do as much as I used to. It makes your soul tired, if that makes sense. This was so helpful for those of us carrying that constant weight of grief. Thank you so much. You’re very good at your chosen profession.
My mom died two years ago. I feel like recognizing the "stages" helped me, but I agree people are wrong in how they apply them. Because they aren't actually stages. To me they felt more like notes on a keyboard that my brain would pluck at random. Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Anger Depression, Denial, Anger, Denial, Bargaining.... etc. And remembering these were common experiences helped me to allow myself to feel them. It was validating. And to me, "Acceptance" meant the acceptance of my new normal, acceptance of the new life I had to build from the wreckage that grief left me with. It's not "accept it and move on," for me it was "accept that things have changed and move forward knowing your life will never be what you imagined."
I so want to make a response video because this spurs so many thoughts esp as a MSW student. I so sending you love Katie for sharing because it’s not easy❤
Thanks Kati. You being vulnerable and very upfront with your feelings is very helpful and cathartic. Also your insights are really spot on, people do tend to forget about your loss or just don't wanna talk. So much so that you start to hide it or feel inadequate. Thanks for helping me live through this emotions and experience. Lost my father suddenly about 6 months ago. We went to this beautiful theatre play, and we walked around admiring old buildings in the centre of our hometown. That's a great memory.
Spot on, Kati. For me, the strongest grief is when the loss is unexpected. Like it was with my mom 8 years ago or last year with our dog, who just fell asleep, with no prior sign that he was terminally ill. And the stages I think are pretty much misunderstood, I do think they exist, but not in any particular order and there is no resolve with acceptance. I accepted my moms death right away - after all I was holding her hand when she passed and I was the last one in the family to leave the improvised wake in the hospital. So I was the last one who saw her. But this did not diminish any grief, it took me several months until I was able to function fully again. Tough times! And yes, it felt bad, that most others moved one quickly. But once I was over the worst grief, I accepted that, I had a small but very valuable support group. There are also other things I grief in my life. Your video made me realize, that I probably grief that I have such a complicated relationship with my father. But you gave me a way I can work with this, thank you!
Several years ago a very close friend of mine from college died after a long illness. It was her husband who called me when she died. Well, recently I learned her husband died suddenly. At first I was in total disbelief. I thought it couldn’t possibly true. His death has hit me so hard! This video has helped me make sense of my feelings. I realized I never fully grieved the loss of my friend when she died. I didn’t get to go to the funeral because of the illness of my child who was hospitalized at the time. The same year I returned to school, my dad went into a nursing home and died the following year. In addition I was dealing with the mental illness of a loved one. My life overlapped so much with my friend. We all met in college, we both got married about the same time and we had children around the same age. We would get together often. My husband loved them as much as I did. They were so young. I think about their children and I grieve for them and their loss. It seems so unfair.
My cat and life comrade passed away in March. He's been my soulmate for 13 years. It was a death I expected, so it was easier to mentally prepare. I was with him every step of the way, it was very ritualistic for the both of us, and I intend to keep the memory of him that way. I felt like my soul had wilted and was waiting to timidly bloom again. Yet, the biggest emotion I can attribute to this event is honor. I am insanely honored to have tackled both life and death with him. I still cry whenever I talk about him, even now, and I don't believe that will ever change, but that's ok. I'm not disabled by the tears, but my feelings about the most important being in my life could never lessen, no matter how much I'd grow around it. It was an honoring, humbling and natural event. That's another very strong emotion I have about it, of naturalness. I've felt some guilt about these feelings. I've felt guilt that it wasn't a traumatising event, but a wonder of the universe I could only bow in front of. I'm thankful for this video, I feel like I can fully let go of that guilt now. We all have our own grief
Thank you for this. My sister Chrissy was murdered by her estranged husband on March 9,2020. The grief is sometimes pretty raw and I hate the grief. Felt as though I should be over it. I have lost one heck of a lot of people.but this grief is a completely different entity. I have even known friends murders. My friend when I was fourteen. I lost my granddaughter in 2009 when she was 8 1/2 days old and that was hard! But Chrissy, my baby sister, it's much more difficult. I lost my father in 2021 and that grief was there but different. There's so many facets to it. Her children and their grief, my autistic sister, my own children. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad but some days...oh my! My other sister and I talk about it. It's different from any grief I have known. Thank you for giving permission to grieve! Pushing the grief down, not healthy. They should realize with these diagnoses that we all grieve differently because of our personal history or the circumstances. I don't like the labels. It's then in a nice neat package and that isn't always fair either. So thank you Kati!💞💞💞💞
Grief is such a tricky b*tch and everyone grieves differently and has a unique relationship to the being they lost. I definitely agree that traumatic loss is especially hard. My newlywed husband died in a horrific accident and I lived in denial for SO long. Almost 10 years later I am still in therapy and think I always will be. Cool with me. I love my therapist and truly wouldn’t be here without her. What I have learned is that grief never truly goes away (how could it when you still live the person you lost) but you learn to live with grief and learn how to live without that person. I still love and miss and get super emotional talking and thinking about my late husband and I am engaged and having a wonderful relationship with my beloved and am over the moon in love. Life is both the joy and the grief living side by side with each other and learning how to live with both. Now, I can see the beauty and n my grief even though it’s still so painful, but oh my, how beautiful it is to know how deep and loving my being is for another.
Absolutely, I grieved in a way that wasn't like the stages. I also know that you can grieve about things that aren't death it's great that you talk about that. I am grieving about my dad who died suddenly about his death right now. I'm focused on the circumstances of my dad's death. It was so sudden and unexpected. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has lost their dad young I'm 29.
There are so many kinds of grief. There’s grief from death, grief from estrangement, from suffering an injustice, from having your dreams die. There’s grief from loss of a home, and simply from the passage of time. My favorite restaurant closed. The farmers’ market doesn’t meet here anymore. I used to go out at night, but now I have kids. Wow, people are just not as caring as I believed them to be in my youth. I was going to be an NCAA basketball player, but I got hurt badly in high school. We all carry a million little griefs. Some of us carry one or more large ones. They are all profound and significant.
I worked at a hospice and one of the social workers told me a story that helped me a lot. She, like me, is an artist. Her professor told her and other students to bring in their favorite work. Then they told the students to destroy the piece. It represents loss and the ability to accept that loss is a part of life.
Another huge factor in dealing with grief is if you have experienced a succession of griefs. For me, these include my dear late husband, my mother, friends, and many of my dearly loved animals. There is a numbness that descends. Thank you for addressing these multiple griefs. It is also difficult to shake off the apathy when people are isolated so much these days. Friends shoot you a text, instead of picking up the darn phone, or making the effort to actually come and see you. I believe that Kubler-Ross’ Stages of Grief, in her book ‘On Death and Dying’, was intended to address the stages one goes through after a terminal diagnosis (i.e. the loved one is still alive). The ‘stages’ were then inappropriately applied to grief after someone has died.
🌸 I got prolonged grief because at the time I was advised to put all their belongings into charity shops and this was in days of their death. I was shell shocked and moved like robot. Then later my doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression It took me while to get over it. Then there was 3 more deaths in family and it triggered all emotions in buried This time, I recognised the depression setting in, it did take me while to notice it though I’m taking time to be grateful for their precious time with me and gradually I let them go My precious mom and brother 🕊 I’m getting better, I remember them in happy ways now and laugh with my older brother on fond memories. Whereas when they died, it was extremely difficult to deal with everything. I did turn into zombie but I am coming out at the end of that dark tunnel and taking it one day at a time 🪔
My father passed 6 years ago and my aunt passed 5 years ago, having gone into hospital for an operation and never came home again. As you can imagine I was devastated l found that Grief never goes away😢
I'm going through this rn. It's been a month since my decade long relationship and I feel all of these things and it feels like it's going to last forever 😭😭
Someone once said that the truth is, you grieve, you learn to deal with it, and then you move on with your life, but you never really get over it and you never truly accept it.
The biggest piece of grief I feel you missed out is about grieving the loss of pets. When my nearly 2 year old chihuahua puppies both passed away from the same condition within 6 months of each other, it nearly broke me. I feel like when you lose an animal people often expect you to "get over it" quicker or just be less affected in general. I truly think losing a pet can be just as, if not more painful than losing a person in certain circumstances. 3 years on and I'm very definitely NOT "over it".
I’m totally with you. I lost two of my pups 14Dec22 and Oct 0423. Desi was a chihuahua I adopted when he was 6 and lost him at 10 to cancer and then I lost my 16 year old sheltie. It is incredibly hard to deal with and they are our babies. Grief is absolutely overwhelming. I’m so sorry for the losses of your two chihuahuas and so close together. That is terrible. Prayers up for you. My deepest condolences.
I had a tough client back in 2019, and a number of toxic people in my life. Long story short, my whole life I was a codependent and a people pleaser and the intensity of the situations broke that part of me, (as it was no longer a viable coping mechanism). An intense ego death ensued and I went into freeze, as I felt that I could no longer protect and keep up my persona. Since then it has been non stop unpacking and grieving all the things that led me into who I was and to what I had become that wasn't working for me. Almost a complete identity loss. It has been easily a 3-4 year journey. Not something you can get over in 6-12 months. And it feels like there is quite often another layer or a layer that I may not be ready to go into and unpack just yet
I think that the Prolonged Grief diagnosis is a good description of what it looks like to get stuck, like maybe after 10 years and a person is still "stuck." But 6 months? 1 year? That's barely enough time to come out of the initial shock, especially for a traumatic death.
I have been grieving for my own future since the abrupt and out of the blue end to my marriage two years ago. I had so many plans and goals that were all ripped away in a single moment. I have made a lot of progress, but I will still get hit with huge waves of grief for no reason, or with experiences that remind me of what I used to want and work toward. I also grieve for the love that I thought was real that turned out not to be real. I grieve the person I was. It felt so much like a death had occurred...it still feels that way. I live my life, I go to work, I support myself, but I also will allow myself to keep grieving as long as I need to, because I don't know what else to do.
I had a psychology professor tell the class, that the different stages of grief are not linear for everyone, but they will go through the 5 different stages. In a way ot makes sense because we’re not going to process grief in the same way, some are actively in their grief process and some don’t know the grief stages and ”fight” against their emotions or are in them without fighting against the different grief stages, but aren’t actively in them (instead they just try to continue to do things expected of them and often take care of others. Some get stuck in their grief and numb themselves with substances such as alcohol. Some will go through all of the stages and do something positive in the end that ties together with what/who, they did morn. Hearing that psychology lecture made me even more understand how important it is to remember and work from a point of people being individuals (even though it’s good to have in mind what things are and how to spot them when they show up).
I lost a lot in 2023. I graduated from high school (which made me lose a lot of friendships), my parents got a divorce, my parents sold my childhood home in the country, and I moved to the city (I loved the country, and I hate the city), and I broke up with my now ex of 3 years who was also my best friend in the entire world. Then in August I started college, and that through me into a loop of a new lifestyle and adjustment. It all happened over the summer of 2023, so probably within the span of 3 months. It was exhausting. I also struggle with ocd and other anxieties, which made it all 10000x times worse. The first semester was alright, still heavy, but the ocd didn't bother me. Then second semester hit, and the ocd is rampant. I can't tell which part is the hardest, but I miss the country a lot, though I am grateful I still get to go and visit it at my friends' places since they live in the country. I miss my ex a lot. We broke up on good terms. We would still be friends if I wasn't still in love with her. She was the most beautiful, creative, and hardworking woman I have ever met, and I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone. I have never felt so heartbroken in my life. I'll share some good memories we made just because the relationship I lost is something I miss a lot. On my 17th birthday she bought us matching opal rings and that day was super fun. I felt like I was married to her haha. Then last year I had some great times with her. I went to prom with her, and we tore up the dance floor! It was so fun. She made life so fun. Then after we broke up, she texted me during no contact 4 months later. It made me realize how dull life was without her. We hung out and it was so magical being with her again. Her beautiful smile, her bedroom, her home, her smell, everything. We talked for 9 hours straight. We talked about how we could feel each other's souls and how we were soulmates, but I told her I had to leave her again because I was in love with her and she wasn't in love with me. It was even more painful leaving her the second time around, but that day with her was incredible. Grief is huge and painful, but I plan on building a new life, which is something I have already started. But it's been so hard keeping up socially. I have friends, but all I want to do is isolate and write and read and do my other hobbies alone. The only people I want to see are my family, CLOSE friends, my therapist, and that's it.
I lost someone how was close to me when I was 15 I blame my self for her death I still do evry time I see a foto of her or someone talking about her that self blame feeling is right back
7 things NOT to say to someone who is grieving: th-cam.com/video/ZjCtr4zQGIQ/w-d-xo.htmlsi=dN4xFQv3LoFggMOS
Good grief
so proud of you for taking this big step in taking it public. I also struggle with grief. your video inspired me to keep going. THANK YOU
For a French audience/readers, I do recommend all the books by Christophe Fauré especially Vivre le deuil au jour le jour, he was, and still is, among rare french serious ressources to go to. Also the Vivre son Deuil association fonded by the psychanalyst Michel Hanus at a time there was nothing to go to and death and grief were a total tabou. This association is validated as "of public utility" by the public services.
Kati, why should anybody believe you after you disgraced the modern therapy profession? Many people cannot and do not want to be duped by people who refer to themselves as "therapists", but in reality they have more semblance to Privileged Karens
In my experience, grief never goes away, some days it's like carrying a stone, others like dragging an anchor.
After 30 years, I can confirm you never "get over it ", you just learn how to live with it.
Well said and so true.
the pain doesn’t go away, we just make room for it. we carry it differently each and every day.
Grief changes the life of the person who stays behind. But one can try to understand the process of it, the reasons of it, the mechanics of one special relationship, the story and the history of a relationship, what was at work, how one was impacted, how one can continue without, ...
For some, comprehension is key, not always easy but trying to understand helps to redirect this pain. I would not say it gives it a purpose because there is no purpose in pain, it just is because of our personal story/history.
Comprehension or search for it gives perspective, it does not cancel one's grief.
One of the most powerful thing my therapist told me was “ I have worked with many grieving people but never someone who lost their soulmate”. I’d waited until I was 61 to meet my person. We married and he suddenly died 9 months later. Still grieving and will think of him and his love for me everyday…always.
🙏🏻💖💕
I am so sorry. That’s heartbreaking.
I'm so very sorry for your loss- sending prayers!
oh friend. i am so sorry for your loss. i lost both a platonic and romantic soulmate before i turned 26. the pain is immeasurable, and the impact they had on my life is why i keep going. it’s bittersweet. i hope you find peace, i hope you experience the days where grief comes with smiles and good memories instead of pain from their absence. honor your soulmate wherever you can, keep their memory alive as long as you are here. 🫶🏻
Oh my gosh 😢
“Stuck”… what you’ll hear over and over when your grief exceeds the allotment of time allowed for someone else’s comfort.
It’s going on 7 years since I lost my twin to suicide and quite literally everyone except my mom has dropped me because they are sick of the fact that I’m still “stuck” in grief. I feel bad that I make people so uncomfortable, but it’s not like it’s a choice!
@SunnySideup-ks7ot thank you ❤️
I wish you would have included the grief from losing a pet. It's so hard some days thinking about the last day of having to euthanize the poor suffering soul. I'm completely haunted from the cries and the one pic i took thats still in my phone. You're so right it's so heavy some days. Loved this video
💕🐾🙏🏻
Absolutely
I really feel this. There's so much guilt and so many 'what if's.
I can totally relate to the grief of losing a pet. It's only been 10 days since I lost my 14 year old fur baby. I miss him dearly, and life just isn't the same.
I agree. I have an 18 year old cat that I am TERRIFIED of losing. She is my SOULMATE, idc what anyone says. She truly understands me. I admit that I do not love nor care about anyone else or any thing to this degree. Especially since I only had her since she was 8 or 9 and having just left a toxic abuse relationship and now that I'm in safe place and somewhat recovered, it feels like I've only had her for 2 years. I've had many many days where the anticipatory grief has been very heavy and debilitating and I am so so scared for what I'll become when it happens. I will be very unwell and I think so for the rest of my life. I am so sorry for your loss. I am happy you were able to be with your pet when and for how long you were able to.
It's a difficult, but oh so important topic. I lost my brother last October, and the pain comes in waves. Each loss seems to trigger a past loss.
Yes, I found I that my last 3 losses have brought my previous losses to the forefront.
I'm a therapist that works with people who has lost loved ones to suicide. I have also experienced all types of these losses. I have worked as a grief therapist. I have always thought that the stages are B.S. I am going to be sharing this video with my Survivor of Suicide Loss group. Thanks for this timely video.
God bless you. So few people go where you're willing to go. I lost my dad that way, and never found therapy helpful. A year later, I was rummaging around in my grandparents house, my grandad had since passed. I found a big book by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. I took it home and read it. It was nice to have a starting point.
Kubler- Ross's work was based on people who were given a terminal diagnosis.
These are the stages she observed those people go through.
@@suehowie152 I know. That is why it is so frustrating that people use it as a grief model.
@@celticcello I'm absolutely sure that wasn't her intention, so yes, very frustrating.
@@suehowie152 I didn't take her post as a negative. I happen to agree with her. I was just venting my overall frustration with how the stages model has been misunderstood.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined the stages of grief for people who are dying, terminal cancer patients and such. They were not intended for people who are still living.
One aspect of grief I think isn't talked about enough is disenfranchised grief-grief that you feel like you're not allowed to feel. Addicts feel it when one of their friends (who they often got high with with) dies from an overdose. Someone who had an affair (and stayed married) might feel it when the person they cheated with dies. All grief is valid grief.
that is anticipate grief they experienced with that model
Yes! Thank you.
Divorce grief is different
Omg, that makes SO much sense!!!
Another type of disenfranchised grief is the grief you feel when you have to cut contact with a close family member or friend who has emotionally abused or neglected you - with or without their knowledge.
Everyone says “oh, how dare you! Your parents did the best they could. Don’t you feel sorry for them?” Or “you know your friend couldn’t hold a job. Just give him the money. What is wrong with you?” There’s never a good enough reason, in popular awareness, to end a close relationship, not even if it kept you financially stuck or increased your suicidal ideation.
It’s so hard. And it’s worse because people act like it’s not even fair for us to grieve.
My mother was autistic.
She worked very hard her whole life.
For me...her oldest of five.....she was overwhelming to have a relationship with.
She was always on the edge of a meltdown.
She passed April 2023.
I felt relief....then saddness....then relief.
I shredded many family photos.
The photos triggered so many emotions in me that I don't want to experience anymore.
I lost my dad in a car accident 59 years ago. Just to mention of his name makes me weep. 10 years ago, I went through two years of grief therapy. I avoided it for 49 years, not intentionally. But when the grief hit, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not sure if there was any stages in my grief. This was a great video.
My wife passed away on March 31st, 2015 at 5:11 am. She let go after I said a simple prayer while holding her hand. It was bittersweet. Ever since then, at 11 minutes past the hour, I take a moment and kiss her urn. For just a fleeting moment, I can truly feel her sweet kiss and warm embrace. It has been almost 10 years now, and I still grieve her loss. I have cycled through all the stages of grief except for anger. I will never be angry with her.
My mum who died was an extremely toxic person who neglected me. So there's been no stages and instead very complicated emotions and crazy anxiety
I'm with you there. No one prepares you for how many conflicting emotions there are surrounding this. A lot of grief counselling doesn't really cover it.
im going through this too
💕
@@createone100 George Washington had a problem with his mom and buried her behind a tree. Read up on the history on that.
unfortunately people leave their memories behind
I lost my mom about 4 years ago when I was 20 and I never went through the denial stage or the bargaining stage. I was just mad; like really mad. I remember just having this anger and lashing out at anyone who said "I know how you feel."
That was an insult. My mom will never meet my partner, she will never help pick out my wedding dress, she will never crochet a baby blanket for my children like she promised.
I still feel that sadness and anger and it's been 4 years.
sending you so much love
I think it’s ok to be angry. That’s completely valid. I lost a best friend to a car accident at 17 and I was very angry too, at the world, at god, at anyone who was able to get on with life with him gone.
I dunno what changed or when. I won’t promise you that it will. But I just wanted to say that whatever you feel is ok. Even if it’s anger at others.
One of my problems is that I don't have people to discuss people who've passed away with. I'm estranged from family, who turned even more toxic after the deaths, and either aren't emotionally affected or just won't acknowledge it. It's very hard to find people willing to talk about grief if they didn't know the people you need to talk about. I haven't had any support through any grief, it's all had to be done through therapy. But sometimes I just want to talk about them, just because.
In the last four years I've lost both toxic parents, and thus had to deal with other toxic family members, who were more concerned about the inheritance. No emotional support or comfort whatsoever.
A lovely friend, one of the kindest, sweetest people I've ever met, who I miss way more than my parents. Her family aren't good with emotions and crying felt unwelcome at her wake, so I wasn't able to express it.
And my beloved cat of almost 10 years - a constant companion and pretty much the love of my life so far 🩷 I think people disregard pet grief, but it's the purest love there is, they see us in all our private moments and just want to be with us.
It's been a lot to bear.
I'm currently going to griefshare, being around others that lost a loved is helping me. You don't have to be religious to be helped by it. Just talking and listening helps.
Thank you so much for talking about grief. I lost my brother and dad back in 2021 and it’s never felt the same since and I relate so heavily to this topic. Thanks for sharing.
Agreeeeeeeeeeeee with this!!!!!!!!!!!! Time to start seeing and handling grief differently. Society needs to change immediately!
I’ve been a widow for over 30 years. From the sudden death, a misdiagnosed heart attack, of my husband. Our kids were very young when their dad died. The grief comes back, not as strong, when the kids go through life achievements we would have celebrated together. Being a grandparent without him is sometimes sad because I know he would have loved being a grandpa. I tell people grief is something that will be with you your whole life. Not intensely as at first but there will be moments when it comes up. Anniversaries, birthdays special celebrations.
I love the way you speak. When you said “Duh…” I cracked up. Yet, I completely feel what you’re saying. Like we’re in the same room and you’re speaking to me. You’re an inspiration 😊
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I know losing a parent can be difficult. I lost my father in early 2016 yet I’ll never forget what he taught me. I can’t hug him 💔 💔Or my mom, who I loss approximately 5 months prior to the pandemic. Her loss in an odd way helped me understand the importance of understanding what many individuals were dealing with during the pandemic. I No Longer want to sound like a victim. I’m Grateful for the lesson & Powerful understanding of Radical Acceptance that I understand today. Thnx Katie.
Excellent! I'm an LMFT in Minnesota and have struggled convincing people the stages are more phases and yes you phase in and out all the time. Acceptance is not forgetting. As a minor clarification Kuebler-Ross also disavowed the 5 stages in later years. These were simply her observations. The book, was actually6 a scathing critique of the funeral industry, which capitalizes on these feelings.
My therapist made me realize that I needed to grieve my child having autism. I excepted and we rolled with the diagnosis. At a point you have to grieve your dream that wasn’t how you anticipated.
Yep.
Have you ever read the essay welcome to Holland? You should look it up.
I had a couple that I was once friends with. They were Christians and got married and we're hoping to have a large godly family. But my friend had to Major train wreck pregnancies. The first pregnancy was twins and one twin died the other ended up in the NICU and has developmental delays. Then they tried again and also had a life-threatening pregnancy. That baby survived but also ended up in the Nicu with developmental delays
@@lilafeldman8630 both mine were micro preemies. 1 pound girl the one on the spectrum and then another 1 pound boy. 26-27 weeks gestation. Probably another thing I just sailed right through and didn’t deal with. 😂🤦🏽♀️. I will definitely check out the essay. Thank you
@@autumnwallace6332 some people don't like the welcome to Holland essay. But a lot of people have been helped by it. One of my best friends from childhood was born with lots of physical disabilities. Her parents weren't expecting it at all. And they found that little essay helpful. Also found hope through their church, their faith. Some of the best people that I know.
I needed this message. And I really needed that visual too. Thank you for supporting me through my grief.
Thank you so much for making this video. I appreciated how you talked about how grief is heavy, because it really is. For the last 18 months, I've been sort of grieving the slow destruction of my old school's middle school program. Along with that, I really miss the person I was before September 2022. This video helped me a lot today. Thank you.
Grief, to me, is a mountain, tall, sharp, no way to "get over it" it will always be there. But with practice, time, and compassion, i can build a trail around it. Sometimes the trail can be difficult as well, but at a point i accept the mountain, and be glad i didn't get taken out by a rock slide, building my trail.
I love this so much! Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you ❤ I have been so fortunate not to lose anyone close to me from death.... but my dad left me and the fam 6 years ago to "start his life over" shutting our family business down, selling the childhood homeand all. Including leaving my mom behind (she came to this country to be with him years ago and atill struggles with language).. Anyway, I grieve this loss daily, not a day goes by that I don't miss him and end up tearing up...then I think of my mom and how she didnt deserve that from a man she built her life with and that hurts too.... value your content, thanks❤
As a speech pathologist, I work with children with disabilities. Often times the children’s parents are working through grief regarding their disabled children. Sometimes parents will lash out at teachers and service providers from a place of grief and mourning. I try to be supportive as I can because it’s clear to me that they are working through grief that could last many years. It’s that grieving the loss of a dream that you spoke about.
I lost my nephew to a rare cancer last year. The ups and downs of hope, grief, sadness, have been messy and non-linear.
One of the tougher things to deal with in loss and grief, is that life just ... happens. Awful things can just appear in your life, regardless of what other stuff is going on. The progression of the tragedy didn't fit into a neat narrative where stuff made sense. In fact, some developments felt cosmically cruel in their timing. At times, setbacks happened on the absolute worst moment they could have happened.
I think the "five stages" model is yet another way we try to assert control on the chaos. It gives the illusion that even in the death of a loved one, we can follow a template and control our reality, such that we can return to a status quo and regain some kind of innocence on the other side of a big upset.
The harder (but I think more rewarding) work is to sit with your suffering and let it teach you something. I know that for me, it's taught me reflect on how precious life is, how short it is, how death and misfortune is what binds us all as people. There are a lot of things I used to obsess over that I just plain no longer care about. They just don't matter anymore, in the grand scheme of things.
It can be horribly painful, but I think it can also lead to growth. It will never not hurt that my nephew was denied a full life on this Earth and that he had to suffer so needlessly. But I shouldn't ever try to "make it okay". It would dishonor his memory to do so. What I can do is integrate that hurt into my life in ways that make me live better.
Kati, you are such an inspiration and loving person. I love your raw emotions. The fact that you have experienced these issues too, and can relate, makes it that much more helpful to watch/listen to your videos. Your explanations and advice have been so beneficial to me. I’m grieving a 20 year relationship that became toxic and dysfunctional. It took me 2 years to decide to leave and start over on my own. I’ve been totally disregarded and disrespected by this partner since I made this decision. It turned out, at the end, he showed me a side of him I never knew existed. We had many good times together and great memories. I know I made the right decision in leaving, but it still is a loss. I’m in counseling right now and hoping, with time, that I can adjust to the loss and new life I am living. Thank you so much for your help.
Ive never experienced death yet So I never recognise grief in my life. Your words really opened my mind to the broader context of grief, the idea that grief can be felt over things that never came to fruition is a better example of how I feel. I had anorexia for 3 years, I lost myself twice, once in the thick of it and once again in recovery and having to process the time I lost and the relationships I damaged. I’ve been stuck in the same place for years because my mind can’t find a way to accept it, I feel so angry with myself and seeing people my age who have kept up with life and not derailed themselves, makes me feel worthles in my self esteem as there is no reasoning or blame for my past other than myself. Rather than pinning myself down to blame and guilt, if I try allowing myself to feel grief about it and letting it grow around me instead of in me, I might be more compassionate towards myself and that could hopefully aid me in the right direction to proper treatment. Thank you for talking in detail about this and how it is often unrecognisable or felt as something else
This topic holds immense significance. Let me share my journey: three decades ago, I experienced the loss of my grandmother, who was the closest person in my life. I mourned her passing for a day. Some years later, my mother passed away. While our bond wasn't as strong, we stayed in touch. Strangely, I hardly grieved at all. Two decades after that, my world shattered with the loss of my father, whom I deeply cherished. Again, I grieved briefly. A year later, I faced the loss of several aunts and uncles, until eventually, my entire family, save for my siblings, was gone. Surprisingly, I shed few tears for any of them, yet each one left an indelible mark on my life.
I'm perplexed. I can't comprehend it! Is there something inherently wrong with me? I must mention that my mental health, marked by anxiety, depression, and insomnia, has deteriorated significantly. Could there be a connection? Is something awry within me? Do I need to allow myself to grieve to alleviate the anxieties that torment me now? And if so, how can I be certain? I would greatly appreciate some guidance.
I lost my mother around 8 months ago, im still grieving. With depression in the past not related to my mother what helped me most was omega 3 fish oil and L tyrosine for depression and gaba, magnesium, taurine and breathing exercises for anxiety.
Your videos on grief helped me a lot when my grandma passed away. Thank you Kati! ❤
I've grieved my parent for 6 years now, and all those stages comes back in random order. I've also grieved my old self for a long time, and the life I could've had if I never were bullied or got burned out. I'm FULL of grief.
Sorry for your loss. I also lost my dad on Colon cancer 5 years ago. My dad sufferd from Thyroid cancer too. The otherday I parcitipated on a seminar about thyroid Nodules ( I am a physician) and I was frozen. I dissociated and since then I feel a lot of panic attacks. That really is a struggle.
I recently lost two dear friends, both unexpectedly. One person passed at the hospital, and the other was murdered. My grief is marked with anger and regret. The murder has deeply affected me because she asked me to tell the authorities about the abuse and the death threats if anything happened to her, but they dont believe me. He's going to get away with murdering my friend. I miss my friends already.
❤ I'm so sorry. I lost two in a row recently too. I'm with you.
That's horrible 😢. My condolences. I hope justice will be served.
I lost both my Grandfather to old age, and my cousin to a drug overdose in a short period of time, and I never had the time to grieve at all. Still coming to terms with their passing a few years later and I'm not even sure what grieving properly looks like for me right now. Thanks for the video!
Thank you for this video. Perfect timing for me. Lost our beloved dog a few days ago - a beautiful soul - and it really sucks. I agree that the grieving process isn’t linear and it can be attached to other things e.g., grief around not having children. Thanks again 🐾🌈
I love how authenic you are!
Going through grief, having the guilt of being in grief, and then the pressure of not 'doing grief right' can be unbearable. THANK YOU for calling the stages as bull**** and allowing me grieve as I will.
Sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost mine at 31. Three weeks before he died we had a falling out. He said he never wanted to see me again. Then died suddenly from an aneurism. Be careful what you wish for. I don't think I will ever stop grieving that.
I'm so sorry.
@@Elphie204 Thank you
Thank you for saying it's normal for grief to last a long time!!! ❤
I hate how you mostly only get a year to grief and then you should move on and how everyone expects grief to go away. When I got the question: "When do you expect you will be over it?" my immediate answer was: never and I still stand by it. I will never get over the loss of my father, he was my father, he was there from before I was born. I didn't have a life before I met my father, how do you expect me to know how to live without him? A friend's loss is different, still never going to forget her, but I did have a live before I knew her, I know how to live without her, still miss her from time to time, but it's not as big as the grief for my father.
I just don't understand how people expect you to 'get over' someone you were really close to in a year, let alone 6 months?? Maybe that can apply to someone you were less close to, but not to a parent, sibling, partner, child or even a very close friend.
I also shed some tears when you talked about the friend who chechked in after a few months because she knew that people forget, that is indeed the kind of people you need in those times, bless her (and your mom and you too).
🫂🫂
My dad died in 2014. On the 19th of this month. I miss him and still grieve and cry daily.
Grief never goes away it just changes, here we are a day before Mother’s Day and I’m a wreck and it’s been 4 years, difference is before it was weeks of being a wreck now it’s days, it changes it matures but grief never leaves
Having grief as a diagnosis is absolutely wild to me. Yes good for people to get treatment and insurance companies but grief in my experience isn’t something we get over in all types of forms especially losing a loved one and losing lack of physical ability is huge. I feel that the healthiest point is to learn to live with the grief but I don’t believe we ever truly get over grief it is a journey to me. Also anniversary dates, holidays etc are massive triggers I feel for most people I know for me my grief is most intense during holidays. Also yes it’s so true that when someone passes you get an outpouring of support and then it disappears it’s like grieving the lack of support on top of the actual grief checking in is great.
Both of my parents passed away within a year of each other after being very ill. I was at my dad's bedside when he passed away. All of my family have passed away now. Complicated grief makes perfect sense with all this. It's like I'm crying all the time inside. Understanding narcissism has helped a lot in healing (from other things, not just bereavement) and I'm doing a lot better now. If you believe in spiritual things I feel I am a lightworker. This has given me some hope. Hope it's okay to share this personal thing.
Thank you for this video. With my whole heart, I am grateful.
Excellent video!!! You are bang on. There is all kinds of grief. Everyone is different and feels things different. I have suffered so many poses in a short period of time. It has taken a lot of work on my part and some counciling to pull myself together again.
Anticipatory grief was horrible. Spent close to a decade trying to pre-empt the drama that was inevitably coming. Ended up manifesting in autoimmune disorder: lost my hair, body weight - my doctor thought I had cancer.
In the end, I just went numb emotionally. By prioritising me, my health recovered mostly.
I hope everyone figures their pathway soon.
I needed this right now.. Thank you so much ❤🙏
I get so much from your videos. Thank you❤🕯️
I lost my Mom to suicide almost 3 years ago and I feel like I've been on autopilot for a long time. I don't feel like I've been moving through any stages.
I empathize. I lost my dad and twin to suicide 7 years ago. I am not going through any of the stages. I’m just in a numb survival mode.
@@CinSarCat sorry for your losses ❤️✨
Thank you soooooo much! I am grieving the death of my longest dearest friend. Over 50 years! I thought I was stuck in denial and I was afraid of other “stages”. Now I am comforted and less afraid of grief since watching your vid.
I think I have prolonged grief because of my son’s birth injury. I’m grateful he survived… but I find myself grieving over his disability. He has two male cousins born at the same time so it’s in my face constantly. I’m fine most of the time , but I experience grief periodically and it’s just as strong and fresh.
My dad died 17 years ago and I just worked on this issue of grief yesterday with my therapist!
Thank you for this, you really hit the nail on the head especially given the fact you’re referring to grief as going beyond mourning the loss of a loved one. I always felt ill at ease during therapy sessions but I’m glad to see different perspectives or better still I’m glad that I’m witnessing therapy as a field evolving and improving as though it were a living breathing thing. I was in therapy from around 2007-2017ish I believe. I live in a country where it used to be really stigmatizing considering we were somewhat backwards in different areas of study and found it off-putting quite frankly as I didn’t get much out of it but I’d like to give it a second chance now almost a decade later. I’m 31 years old and I have it so much better than a lot of other people but I feel as though I’m still grieving for a ton of things in life, to the point of impaired functioning among other things. Thanks again for this, it’s so validating and I truly appreciate it.❤
Oh my gosh you so nailed it. I love the analogy about the backpack. That is what I have felt for 2 years now; so now I realize why I can’t do as much as I used to. It makes your soul tired, if that makes sense. This was so helpful for those of us carrying that constant weight of grief. Thank you so much. You’re very good at your chosen profession.
My mom died two years ago. I feel like recognizing the "stages" helped me, but I agree people are wrong in how they apply them. Because they aren't actually stages. To me they felt more like notes on a keyboard that my brain would pluck at random. Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Anger Depression, Denial, Anger, Denial, Bargaining.... etc. And remembering these were common experiences helped me to allow myself to feel them. It was validating.
And to me, "Acceptance" meant the acceptance of my new normal, acceptance of the new life I had to build from the wreckage that grief left me with. It's not "accept it and move on," for me it was "accept that things have changed and move forward knowing your life will never be what you imagined."
Such an important topic (and so little talked about in the day to day)…thanks for this video!
I so want to make a response video because this spurs so many thoughts esp as a MSW student. I so sending you love Katie for sharing because it’s not easy❤
Thank you, Kati. I really needed this today. Also, it was fun going back to the OG format with the DSM. ❤️ Your OG Viewer, Jori
Thanks so much for talking about this.
I like how you break things down to an easy to comprehend messages.
Thank you, Kati! ❤
Thanks Kati. You being vulnerable and very upfront with your feelings is very helpful and cathartic. Also your insights are really spot on, people do tend to forget about your loss or just don't wanna talk. So much so that you start to hide it or feel inadequate. Thanks for helping me live through this emotions and experience.
Lost my father suddenly about 6 months ago. We went to this beautiful theatre play, and we walked around admiring old buildings in the centre of our hometown. That's a great memory.
Wow this video is so needed. Thank you.
Hi, Kati I really appreciate your video; it's very informative. Thank you.
Spot on, Kati. For me, the strongest grief is when the loss is unexpected. Like it was with my mom 8 years ago or last year with our dog, who just fell asleep, with no prior sign that he was terminally ill. And the stages I think are pretty much misunderstood, I do think they exist, but not in any particular order and there is no resolve with acceptance. I accepted my moms death right away - after all I was holding her hand when she passed and I was the last one in the family to leave the improvised wake in the hospital. So I was the last one who saw her. But this did not diminish any grief, it took me several months until I was able to function fully again. Tough times! And yes, it felt bad, that most others moved one quickly. But once I was over the worst grief, I accepted that, I had a small but very valuable support group.
There are also other things I grief in my life. Your video made me realize, that I probably grief that I have such a complicated relationship with my father. But you gave me a way I can work with this, thank you!
What a great, honest video. I agree with you about the stages and how it can take years to grieve. Thank you.
Really well done, will be sharing with my community of those with young adult cancer. Thank you.
I appreciate your insights on grief, along side all of your work. Thank you, always.
Several years ago a very close friend of mine from college died after a long illness. It was her husband who called me when she died. Well, recently I learned her husband died suddenly. At first I was in total disbelief. I thought it couldn’t possibly true. His death has hit me so hard! This video has helped me make sense of my feelings. I realized I never fully grieved the loss of my friend when she died. I didn’t get to go to the funeral because of the illness of my child who was hospitalized at the time. The same year I returned to school, my dad went into a nursing home and died the following year. In addition I was dealing with the mental illness of a loved one.
My life overlapped so much with my friend. We all met in college, we both got married about the same time and we had children around the same age. We would get together often. My husband loved them as much as I did. They were so young. I think about their children and I grieve for them and their loss. It seems so unfair.
My cat and life comrade passed away in March. He's been my soulmate for 13 years. It was a death I expected, so it was easier to mentally prepare. I was with him every step of the way, it was very ritualistic for the both of us, and I intend to keep the memory of him that way. I felt like my soul had wilted and was waiting to timidly bloom again. Yet, the biggest emotion I can attribute to this event is honor. I am insanely honored to have tackled both life and death with him. I still cry whenever I talk about him, even now, and I don't believe that will ever change, but that's ok. I'm not disabled by the tears, but my feelings about the most important being in my life could never lessen, no matter how much I'd grow around it.
It was an honoring, humbling and natural event. That's another very strong emotion I have about it, of naturalness. I've felt some guilt about these feelings. I've felt guilt that it wasn't a traumatising event, but a wonder of the universe I could only bow in front of. I'm thankful for this video, I feel like I can fully let go of that guilt now. We all have our own grief
Wow! Love the way you eloquently described grief!
Thank you for this. My sister Chrissy was murdered by her estranged husband on March 9,2020. The grief is sometimes pretty raw and I hate the grief. Felt as though I should be over it. I have lost one heck of a lot of people.but this grief is a completely different entity. I have even known friends murders. My friend when I was fourteen. I lost my granddaughter in 2009 when she was 8 1/2 days old and that was hard! But Chrissy, my baby sister, it's much more difficult. I lost my father in 2021 and that grief was there but different. There's so many facets to it. Her children and their grief, my autistic sister, my own children. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad but some days...oh my! My other sister and I talk about it. It's different from any grief I have known. Thank you for giving permission to grieve! Pushing the grief down, not healthy. They should realize with these diagnoses that we all grieve differently because of our personal history or the circumstances. I don't like the labels. It's then in a nice neat package and that isn't always fair either. So thank you Kati!💞💞💞💞
Grief is such a tricky b*tch and everyone grieves differently and has a unique relationship to the being they lost. I definitely agree that traumatic loss is especially hard. My newlywed husband died in a horrific accident and I lived in denial for SO long. Almost 10 years later I am still in therapy and think I always will be. Cool with me. I love my therapist and truly wouldn’t be here without her. What I have learned is that grief never truly goes away (how could it when you still live the person you lost) but you learn to live with grief and learn how to live without that person. I still love and miss and get super emotional talking and thinking about my late husband and I am engaged and having a wonderful relationship with my beloved and am over the moon in love. Life is both the joy and the grief living side by side with each other and learning how to live with both. Now, I can see the beauty and n my grief even though it’s still so painful, but oh my, how beautiful it is to know how deep and loving my being is for another.
thank you kati😊 you are right each person is specual and have diffrent needs for that persons style to there own healing journey.
Absolutely, I grieved in a way that wasn't like the stages. I also know that you can grieve about things that aren't death it's great that you talk about that. I am grieving about my dad who died suddenly about his death right now. I'm focused on the circumstances of my dad's death. It was so sudden and unexpected. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has lost their dad young I'm 29.
Love this video, and totally agree with your take on it.
you don’t have to apologize about sharing how you feel! you’re human to, you have your own struggles it’s ok!!
There are so many kinds of grief. There’s grief from death, grief from estrangement, from suffering an injustice, from having your dreams die. There’s grief from loss of a home, and simply from the passage of time. My favorite restaurant closed. The farmers’ market doesn’t meet here anymore. I used to go out at night, but now I have kids. Wow, people are just not as caring as I believed them to be in my youth. I was going to be an NCAA basketball player, but I got hurt badly in high school.
We all carry a million little griefs. Some of us carry one or more large ones. They are all profound and significant.
I worked at a hospice and one of the social workers told me a story that helped me a lot. She, like me, is an artist. Her professor told her and other students to bring in their favorite work. Then they told the students to destroy the piece. It represents loss and the ability to accept that loss is a part of life.
Another huge factor in dealing with grief is if you have experienced a succession of griefs. For me, these include my dear late husband, my mother, friends, and many of my dearly loved animals. There is a numbness that descends. Thank you for addressing these multiple griefs. It is also difficult to shake off the apathy when people are isolated so much these days. Friends shoot you a text, instead of picking up the darn phone, or making the effort to actually come and see you.
I believe that Kubler-Ross’ Stages of Grief, in her book ‘On Death and Dying’, was intended to address the stages one goes through after a terminal diagnosis (i.e. the loved one is still alive). The ‘stages’ were then inappropriately applied to grief after someone has died.
🌸 I got prolonged grief because at the time I was advised to put all their belongings into charity shops and this was in days of their death. I was shell shocked and moved like robot. Then later my doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression
It took me while to get over it. Then there was 3 more deaths in family and it triggered all emotions in buried
This time, I recognised the depression setting in, it did take me while to notice it though
I’m taking time to be grateful for their precious time with me and gradually I let them go
My precious mom and brother 🕊
I’m getting better, I remember them in happy ways now and laugh with my older brother on fond memories. Whereas when they died, it was extremely difficult to deal with everything. I did turn into zombie but I am coming out at the end of that dark tunnel and taking it one day at a time 🪔
My father passed 6 years ago and my aunt passed 5 years ago, having gone into hospital for an operation and never came home again. As you can imagine I was devastated l found that Grief never goes away😢
I'm going through this rn. It's been a month since my decade long relationship and I feel all of these things and it feels like it's going to last forever 😭😭
Someone once said that the truth is, you grieve, you learn to deal with it, and then you move on with your life, but you never really get over it and you never truly accept it.
The biggest piece of grief I feel you missed out is about grieving the loss of pets. When my nearly 2 year old chihuahua puppies both passed away from the same condition within 6 months of each other, it nearly broke me. I feel like when you lose an animal people often expect you to "get over it" quicker or just be less affected in general. I truly think losing a pet can be just as, if not more painful than losing a person in certain circumstances. 3 years on and I'm very definitely NOT "over it".
I’m totally with you. I lost two of my pups 14Dec22 and Oct 0423. Desi was a chihuahua I adopted when he was 6 and lost him at 10 to cancer and then I lost my 16 year old sheltie. It is incredibly hard to deal with and they are our babies. Grief is absolutely overwhelming. I’m so sorry for the losses of your two chihuahuas and so close together. That is terrible. Prayers up for you. My deepest condolences.
I had a tough client back in 2019, and a number of toxic people in my life. Long story short, my whole life I was a codependent and a people pleaser and the intensity of the situations broke that part of me, (as it was no longer a viable coping mechanism). An intense ego death ensued and I went into freeze, as I felt that I could no longer protect and keep up my persona. Since then it has been non stop unpacking and grieving all the things that led me into who I was and to what I had become that wasn't working for me. Almost a complete identity loss. It has been easily a 3-4 year journey. Not something you can get over in 6-12 months. And it feels like there is quite often another layer or a layer that I may not be ready to go into and unpack just yet
Are you okay? I can see you were tearing up in the video. I can also hear it in your voice ❤
I think that the Prolonged Grief diagnosis is a good description of what it looks like to get stuck, like maybe after 10 years and a person is still "stuck." But 6 months? 1 year? That's barely enough time to come out of the initial shock, especially for a traumatic death.
I have been grieving for my own future since the abrupt and out of the blue end to my marriage two years ago. I had so many plans and goals that were all ripped away in a single moment. I have made a lot of progress, but I will still get hit with huge waves of grief for no reason, or with experiences that remind me of what I used to want and work toward. I also grieve for the love that I thought was real that turned out not to be real. I grieve the person I was. It felt so much like a death had occurred...it still feels that way. I live my life, I go to work, I support myself, but I also will allow myself to keep grieving as long as I need to, because I don't know what else to do.
Open chair technique too. I learned it a couple of years ago.
Your best video! Period!
I had a psychology professor tell the class, that the different stages of grief are not linear for everyone, but they will go through the 5 different stages. In a way ot makes sense because we’re not going to process grief in the same way, some are actively in their grief process and some don’t know the grief stages and ”fight” against their emotions or are in them without fighting against the different grief stages, but aren’t actively in them (instead they just try to continue to do things expected of them and often take care of others. Some get stuck in their grief and numb themselves with substances such as alcohol. Some will go through all of the stages and do something positive in the end that ties together with what/who, they did morn.
Hearing that psychology lecture made me even more understand how important it is to remember and work from a point of people being individuals (even though it’s good to have in mind what things are and how to spot them when they show up).
Finally, thank you.
Thank you!
Megan Devine’s book is amazing- it’s ok you’re not ok! Grieving is only love we can’t give to someone” Grief is a love with no where to go”
I lost a lot in 2023. I graduated from high school (which made me lose a lot of friendships), my parents got a divorce, my parents sold my childhood home in the country, and I moved to the city (I loved the country, and I hate the city), and I broke up with my now ex of 3 years who was also my best friend in the entire world. Then in August I started college, and that through me into a loop of a new lifestyle and adjustment. It all happened over the summer of 2023, so probably within the span of 3 months. It was exhausting. I also struggle with ocd and other anxieties, which made it all 10000x times worse. The first semester was alright, still heavy, but the ocd didn't bother me. Then second semester hit, and the ocd is rampant.
I can't tell which part is the hardest, but I miss the country a lot, though I am grateful I still get to go and visit it at my friends' places since they live in the country. I miss my ex a lot. We broke up on good terms. We would still be friends if I wasn't still in love with her. She was the most beautiful, creative, and hardworking woman I have ever met, and I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone. I have never felt so heartbroken in my life.
I'll share some good memories we made just because the relationship I lost is something I miss a lot. On my 17th birthday she bought us matching opal rings and that day was super fun. I felt like I was married to her haha. Then last year I had some great times with her. I went to prom with her, and we tore up the dance floor! It was so fun. She made life so fun.
Then after we broke up, she texted me during no contact 4 months later. It made me realize how dull life was without her. We hung out and it was so magical being with her again. Her beautiful smile, her bedroom, her home, her smell, everything. We talked for 9 hours straight. We talked about how we could feel each other's souls and how we were soulmates, but I told her I had to leave her again because I was in love with her and she wasn't in love with me. It was even more painful leaving her the second time around, but that day with her was incredible.
Grief is huge and painful, but I plan on building a new life, which is something I have already started. But it's been so hard keeping up socially. I have friends, but all I want to do is isolate and write and read and do my other hobbies alone. The only people I want to see are my family, CLOSE friends, my therapist, and that's it.
I lost someone how was close to me when I was 15 I blame my self for her death I still do evry time I see a foto of her or someone talking about her that self blame feeling is right back
Parents who cannot grieve because they have to push it down to take care of children often have complicated grief
I am missing so many people right now