Your relationship IS NOT polyamorous
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 13 พ.ค. 2018
- Polyamory by definition includes open communication and informed consent from all parties. Some relationships use the word "polyamorous" to describe something totally different.
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I was dating someone for about a year, one day they told me that they wanted a polyamorous relationship with someone. We had long serious conversation on how I wasn’t comfortable at all with it, he said ok and I thought nothing of it. One week later he came and told me, “hey I’d like for you to meet someone.” I replied with, “ok, did you make a new friend?” He said, “no we’re dating.” What?! I instantly told him to meet at the park without this person. When he came he was in an upbeat mood and thought we would grab food. I instantly told how didn’t agree with our relationship being polyamorous and brought the previous conversation up. His response was just, “but I wanted to.” I told him I wanted to break up with him and he immediately started crying and trying to guilt trip into staying. He grabbed my hand and tried to quote my favorite show. I told him to f off and pulled away. I stormed home and left him their crying.
Good for you ! I hope you find someone who respects you
I did thankfully! I’m currently dating an amazing woman. Currently in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had with her :) She respects me and accepts me and so much more.
Most of us can't even handle one partner tbh.
Megan Reed And being in two only diminishes that commitment even further.
I've learned I would prefer taking a chance and actually committing over "just sort of having this thing going on".
It's too naive to think this is the answer to a successful relationship.
Ikr, polyamory is like lvl 10 😂
Poly usually technically is something that revolves with consent specifically, I actually being a poly person has a boyfriend but technically had asked my boyfriend for his consent when I saw someone around our age a year younger specifically and he actually accepted.
But considering he has not texted me after that, Im guessing his busy with something personal he last stated that he was currently focused on building his life up. (we know what the other looks like)
💯% truth, right here.
Of those 3 dictionary definitions two were problematic.
Not all poly relationships are open. Some are closed. And certainly not all open relationships (even consensual ones) are necessarily polyamory.
Not all poly relationships involve sex. This definition erases asexual people and others who don't or can't have "sex".
I'm single, but I know myself and if I were in a relationship, I would want a closed relationship. I appreciate you noting this. I'm poly, but don't like the idea of an open relationship very much.
wanted to ask whats the name of this dynamics: male and female couple is in an open relationship (but it's unequal & only open on one side- meaning; we invite other girls and have connections with them, but the female can't date other male)
@@c0smicvampire i don't know but if one side is allowed to see other people but the other side isn't, it sounds toxic as hell. Of course it's different if she doesn't WANT to see other people but is fine if her bf does, but if the bf sees other people and says that she isn't allowed to do the same then that's just not ok and she should break up
Ugh
I was worried when I initially clicked on this video, I thought I'd get offended but it's actually entirely true. I'm in a polyamorous relationship, me and my partner communicate on everything that goes on outside of our relationship, I talk to him before doing anything involving another person I may be attracted to. The biggest keys to a healthy polyamorous relationship are communication, trust, and consent
Trust of what. That u wont give him aids 😄
@@dread1262 smh stop being disrespectful I don’t think anyone should have to explain what is trust.
@@dread1262
Shut up stop being disrespectful of people
@@dread1262 Trust that they will continue to find someone else to fulfill their needs.
thats open, not poly
I think one problem we have in this world, is often making everyone responsible for every feeling they have, without taking responsibility for our actions. For example, if a person needs reassurance, we may go "I shouldn't need to reassure you, you should love yourself enough without my reassurance ". Oh no. People are not made like that. We need kindness. Kindness creates safety and safety allows love to blossom!
I needed to hear this from someone else, I thought I was crazy for feeling this way
Great point
Right?!? It's like, for some strange F-ing reason, we place all this importance on mental health and being kind to each other and to not bully anyone because we recognize that it's unhealthy to be apart of that... UNTIL IT'S A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. Then, suddenly, you are expected to be 100% responsible solo for every single minute feeling you might have, making your romantic partner interchangeable with literally anyone else, even though the entire point of a relationship is to foster a connection with someone else.
@@MelancholyRequiemTrue true! ❤
Unfortunately, emotional manipulation can be present in polyamory too. But this Is a very informative video. Thank you.
Communication, honesty, and understanding is not exclusive to polyamory. It’s needed in all relationships. Without that you don’t have any kind of relationship.
Exactly. And I made this video after seeing multiple people (first hand) using polyamory as an excuse to be abusive and shitty.
Wow okay I really look up to poly people. I do not and probably will never have the emotional capacity, self-management, and communication skills to maintain a polygamous relationship(s). People who can (healthily) are seriously killing it!
Eloise Nelson hey, just a note on language: polyamory and polygamy are two different things. polygamy refers to the marrying of more than one person. have a nice day!
Noah K thanks actually. I’m still learning
Eloise Nelson you're welcome :)
in addition polygamy is a religious practice.
Ah, thank you.
The only way I really do it is that none of my partners give a flying fuck about my other relationships. They just like me and they're cool about it. Lmao. So it really depends on the person 💮
I appreciate this so much. I was forced to continue a closed poly relationship with someone whom I did not want to sleep with so that my (now ex) husband could continue to sleep with someone I considered my best friend. It ended our marriage and they dropped her boyfriend to continue their relationship. It almost killed me. Now I am in a healthy poly relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years and I truly understand what love really is, free of the chains of codependency. Thank you for the validation of honesty and communication and for warning others of the manipulation of toxic partners. You are a blessing. 💋
How did you get to that place where you could go into a new poly relationship
As someone who is poly, thank you for this. I hate that people use "I'm poly" as an excuse.
I'm with someone - and he always uses "I'm a poly" whenever I bring up the issue of him cheating behind my back.
@@anthonyjrreyes2200 Dump his ass. It's not an excuse. I'm serious, dump him. A cheater isn't worth keeping
@@elisakrivas Hi thank you for your comment. I am trying my best to dump him, I really want to wake up from this nightmare. Just to add, he also said that being poly means less control by other people. He has his needs and I should acknowledge that. F*ck up situation I am at.
@@anthonyjrreyes2200 I mean, it is about less control, yes, but that doesn't mean people can't have their own boundaries. It's about respecting your partner and what they want, it shouldn't be all about selfishness. If you don't feel comfortable with polyamory, you shouldn't be forced into a polyamorous relationship and he should respect that. If he wants polyamory and you want monogamy, you both need to split, otherwise it's just cheating. If you're fine with polyamory, but he's cheating because he's keeping things a secret from you, well he's still cheating.
Yes, in a polyamorous relationship, neither partner is supposed to control the other, BUT both or all partners need to consent to the relationship terms and can't hide secrets about other partners. If one of you doesn't consent, it's cheating. If you both consent but then one of you hides partners or when you have sexual interactions, then it's also cheating. I see where he's coming from about less or no control over others, but he conveniently left out that YOU must also agree. If he knew you were uncomfortable but that he couldn't do monogamy he should've had a heart to heart conversation with you and if it didn't work out, at least you'd part ways in a friendly manner, but at this point, he doesn't sound worth it.
@@elisakrivas since day one there is no peace of mind, I cant even remember how many times I cried, how many psychologist and counselors I talked to. Everytime that he gets cornered with cheating the lines will just go by "I am a poly" "if you only read the book about poly, you will understand me" "I felt horny and you are not there, arent you glad I was able to release my heat?". ---- to tell you honestly, I am for a monogamous relationship, all my past Bf's are in a monoganous set up. I really don't know how long I can last but I am looking forward to the day that I will feel numb and will just walk away...I miss my true self, I miss my core values, I miss my old me =(
Thank you for this. I have personally been hurt in this way. I went into the relationship fully knowing that she had a boyfriend who was her primary. And I was totally accepting and respectful of that. However beyond vague mention of "other partners" I really wasn't aware of who those other partners were or how many.
When I started having anxious, insecure feelings about it, even though I know it really wasn't anything she'd done that brought up those feelings, but still they were feelings I was having and I needed to talk about it and be reassured somehow, she couldn't deal with it, made my feelings the problem and told me she found my need for reassurance "tiring". A bit of compassion and consideration from her would have fixed the problem I believe. At least some kind of communication around my fears and worries. But she went cold and weird on me really (after she'd told me earlier in the relationship she would never do that!) and things got worse and worse until we split up.
I spent months trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my self esteem and it really sucked. It even made me doubt whether polyamory was for me, when previously it was something I was completely positive about and open towards.
Not a nice first experience of sharing a partner with other partners. But like you said, that's not how polyamory is done. It was a toxic relationship.
3 years later, so what's up? Sequel to your life in relationship or don't have new relationship?
@@davidarvingumazon5024 something is developing with a very good friend of mine. Neither of us want a relationship and she'll always be a friend first and foremost but there's something happening there. It seems healthy and positive.
I'm not really as bothered about finding someone these days. I can be happy being single and it's certainly more peaceful.
She knows a cute guy who I like and she likes him too 😁 He was dom to us both at a fetish club shortly before the pandemic. So yeah, I suppose things are getting better.
I'm finding healthier forms of non-monogamy. Although I'm not actually in a relationship and don't think I want to be at the moment.
@@Technoidmania that's wholesome! :D
same situation i am in
SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK
You can turn up the volume...
:P
@@Shardok42 That was sarcasm
Luver boyx STOP IT that was a great video. You can turn down the volume. Sound doesn’t equalize the same across billions of different devices.
A couple of months ago an ex-friend of mine told her (monogamous) husband of 4+ yrs "I want a poly relationship." That was basically the conversation; no talk of boundaries or expectations, not even a "would you feel comfortable with this?" Just "I want this and I think it will be good for ME so let's do it." She's emotionally and verbally abusive to him as well as belittles him constantly yet says he treats her like shit (she doesn't communicate her needs and wants promptly or consistently to him and she takes his inaction as him ignoring her).
She also was unfair with her expectations: she was allowed to go on dates outside of the home while he stayed home with the baby. But... When he asks for 1 DAY out of the month (one of her days off so he doesn't have to carry a child around on his dates), she thinks it's unfair for him to ask that bc it's HER day off and she's entitled to have him spend that day with her everytime. She doesn't ever acknowledge the fact that it's not fair for her to go on child-free dates while her husband stays at home w/ their kid all the time: she thinks he needs to spend every one of her days off with her and spend the rest of the week with the baby.
What pisses me off the most is the she had told me that she had wanted to get a with a certain guy way before SHE made the decision to be poly; it's clear as fucking day she has feelings for this dude (she always got super giddy and excited talking about him, she especially gushed over him whenever he came back into town); even her husband could see it and he told me this in a private convo. Even though he tried to mask it I could hear the amount of pain in his voice when he said it hurt him that she feels for another man on the same level as him, her ACTUAL FUCKING HUSBAND. He told her how he felt and she just shrugged it off like "sorry you feel that way but it's the past, nothing I can do to change it..."
I don't think she's a completely bad person but she is one of many women who are too blinded by their own pain to see how their actions will affect others and instead of taking time of solitude to work on themselves, they want someone to love their nightmares away for them and end up damaging good men who were ready to love someone with all their heart and soul. The same goes with friendships...
Another thing to add to the video: if all you want is to have some fresh excitement in the bedroom(like my ex-friend), instead of forming loving, consenting relationships with other ppl: you are NOT poly. Maybe a swinger, but definitely not polyAMOROUS.
Poor guy. Her husband deserves better because she is basically cheating on him and using him as her servant. So toxic and abusive
Thank you for sharing this horrific story.
I stand by my opinion that most humans are simply NOT cut out for polyamory.
My gf wants to be poly and I myself cannot be in a poly relationship. She says she’ll choice me over others but is getting mad at me because I don’t want to be in a poly relationship. I just feel like I’m not enough for her and really feel like if I’m in a poly relationship then intimate moments are just devalued and not even appreciate because she can go have that with someone else.
Oh absolutely. Any Polyamorous relationship in which the partners are dedicated to respecting one another requires a massive amount of work. It requires everyone in the relationship being careful of and thinking about a whole other person when compared to a monogamous relationship.
Thanks for this. In hindsight I was in a relationship like this for about 2 years with someone that did not want to commit to me (or the other people he was seeing at the time). I ended up putting aside my own feelings a lot of the time, because I definitely was ready to commit more deeply to him but was being bypassed/gaslit with the idea of "not claiming someone for yourself". Another man I was in a relationship with for 1 year at the same time was ready to bench me when he would encounter someone he would feel he wanted to date monogamously, which happened after 1 year of dating him. AND I AGREED TO ALL OF THIS. I was settling for getting back the bare minimum. I'm happy to have grown so much since then. I'm in a committed monogamous relationship right now, and from the get go we agreed that if/when there is attraction/interest outside of the relationship we will communicate and find ways to explore that with which we are both comfortable. With great emphasis on the latter part of that sentence. Of course, exploring polyamory can be greatly uncomfortable, but you have to feel SAFE with your partners and feel free to feel your feelings and have your needs met with respect.
Thank you for making this! I hope it will help people who might be in manipulative relationships.
I think there's a good bit of narcissism in the poly community (I've been a part of the community for 10 years). It is probably always a sub-clinical amount of narcissism, but it's enough to increase the drama or pain.
I just wonder if the community attracts narcs because they think they can use the term "poly" as cover for narcissistic behavior.
I honestly cried watching this because my partner manipulated me into a polyamorous relationship. It started completely monogamous and he cheated on me 6 months in and then told me that he was polyamorous and if I didn’t accept it then he was going to leave me. We are still together and his other partner continuously tries to fight me and he doesn’t care although we live together. I feel so lost a lot of the time and it really pulls hard on my self worth everyday and I don’t know how to communicate to him that I do not consent because I do love him so much and I don’t want to lose him.
He's not polyamorous just a cheater and user. There's plenty of people on this planet that would love and treat you with respect. Your post was 1yr ago, but I hope you're living a good life and left the loser.
Sounds like Stockholm Syndrome to me. Call him a poly fraud and ditch him. Say, "You can't threaten to leave me because I'm already leaving" and then leave. I hope, since your post was two years ago, that your are out of that relationship.
I hope you left that jerk, he was treating you so horribly and you deserve better
Narcissistic tendencies
Dump him
PREACH SISTER PREACH! Been in poly triad for 5 yrs now & when I see all these aholes invoking polyamory as an excuse to cheat it pisses me off to no end. My girls & I have been completely committed to each other. We toyed with idea of having fwb or possibly adding to our family but that got shut down with covid & we've all since realized none of us want anyone else. Difference is is it has always been discussed with openess & honesty. Every truly poly relationship I've come across, very few admittedly, has been a nearly mirror image of ours, & it looks just like any other monogamous relationship just with multipartner dynamic. It's not for everyone & that's ok. I definitely wouldn't recommend it either accept for very specific set of circumstances cuz vast majority of people don't have the emotional intelligence or fortitude to deal with the dynamics of multiple partners, again nothing wrong with that, do what's right for you & if poly isn't something your interested in then that's perfectly valid.
Hm, I wouldn't call it "not polyamouros" but more "dating an asshole" but I get your point. I had the feeling as if you were trying to tell people what to label their relationship as - which I thought was a bit problematic. And I have and never will be in any poly relationship.
Yeah, doesn't matter if they identify as poly or not... a relationship like described is toxic and should be viewed as such. You can still cheat in a poly relationship and that's what doing shit like that would be called.
Informed consent is the backbone of any relationship.
I recently left my polyamorous boyfriend who is 29 and has never had a girlfriend before. By the time that he lost weight and has become very attractive he's lost his belief in the commitment that I have. Sex is one of his main priorities, he doesn't have many fulfilling friendships and he doesn't know how to create them. Flirting and charming is one of his main curiosities and priorities whilst he isn't putting much into himself or into any skills
His life is unbalanced and he is aching for satisfaction.
I loved him so much and it broke him when I left but he could not get these other girls out of his head
I tried to tell him about meditations that guide sexual energy and everything, just so we could both have some patience and space
No rush
I don't need rules but please give me respect for my ways
Put on a backpack and do some solo travelling through the mountains is what I say.
I’m in the same situation. I honestly think my partner had avoidant personality disorder. I’m on my way out!
My fiancé and I have talked about it. We’re both on the fence about it, because we both have insecurities. We both agreed that if AT LEAST one of us said no to it, it would not happen. That helps a lot for me
I know of a man who can help you get your ex back he help me restore my relationship back
Whats"app him ....
+1 (2 1 3) 3 7 5- 2 1 8 9
This video is important! I think you did a great job of getting your point across while also showing your support of honest loving polyamorous relationships.
I actually found this dealing with a serious breakup. My partner filled so many of these issues. Ignoring my concerns or dismissed them. Left me hanging, added people without even asking my concent or even knowledge. Then ousted me the second time I tired to bring up my issues and concerns. Then turned me into a monster to everyone of our friends for trying to bring these up to everyone.
I urge everyone, please be safe, careful, and mindful of the signs.
couldn't have said it better, thank you! im going to share this in my local poly community. i know a lot of us can relate to at least meeting people who think polyamory is horrible because of experiences with people misusing the term.
Mrs. Alisha yeah keeping it real. People abusing this term as an excuse to cheat is making all polyamourous people look bad. If you want this to be a RESPECTED lifestyle choice you need to weed out the bad seeds in your community. Which frankly Id say is a high number of people claiming polyamourous.
Ruhe1986 yes i agree.. i want to focus on a more educational aspect.. reaching out not just to my local poly community, but to the community in general. I am hopeful we can make some ripples here for big change. :)
Do you know what I think I think it’s all bullshit there’s no way you can love maybe a in platonic way yes but not in a Romantic way
This feels more like you're saying it's not love (which is to say, amore), can this not be seen more as a critique of a toxic kind of relationship in general?
It's such an important topic to clarify on with so many more people becoming aware of it. Bravo, Ashley!
Informed consent is everything! Thank you
OMG I missed your videos, Ashley! This one is so on point! Thank you for making all these amazing resources. I often have a hard time trying to explain these concepts to people. This video is awesome! I'm definitely going to refer people to it next time I get asked about polyamorous relationships. Thank you!
I'm not sure if that's what you intended to communicate but it sounded like a relationship can only be polyamorous if it's a healthy relationship. While I agree that the ideal polyamorous relationship is a healthy one and healthy communication is a core principle of polyamory, I think it's important to note that poly relationships like other types of relationships can be toxic. Rather than calling it "not polyamorous" I'd maybe use "failed polyamory". I get where you're coming from with calling it "not polyamorous" because it's definitely not working polyamory if it's toxic but I feel like saying it's not polyamory kind sounds like it's actually monogamous. But maybe that's because I'm thinking in this polyamory-monogamy binary in my head. Toxic non-monogamy might be a descriptor? I'm not sure where I was going with this anymore ^^
The best comment so far
Polyamory absolutely requires you doing everything you can do healthily for your partners, just like any other relationship. And just like any relationship you need informed consent about every part of the relationship.
This isn't just "You aren't in a poly relationship"; this is "You aren't in a healthy relationship, period." Or as you bluntly put it at the end "You are in a toxic relationship."
A polyamorous person who loves someone will be just as willing to engage in a monogamous relationship with the one they deeply love as any monogamous person would for someone they deeply love.
However, I would encourage any monogamous person with a poly person to make sure that both your needs are fulfilled and be willing to at least listen and learn about polyamory instead of just shutting it out completely. You may learn a lot about yourself and could even find that such a relationship may be healthier for you; or you could learn you don't ever want it, but you would need to be open and welcoming to the topic being discussed before you could ever learn this.
But obviously if someone is going out and having casual sex behind your back; that's cheating regardless of how they identify. Even if they're telling you first it is still pretty shitty; especially if they are telling and not asking.
THANK YOU!!
Don't want to delve into the details of why I appreciate this video so damn much, but holy crap, THANK YOU for making this definition so friggin' clear. You rock :)
Yesss YOU'RE BACK! So happy! Missed u, wonderful human being✨
OMG! Someone who speaks the truth for a change! I know of a small handful of people who hide behind the term "polyamourous" because they can't live with the stigma of what they really are - namely "loose"... There's absolutely no love in these particular individuals' ways... As I call it, "They're just in it for the balloons!"
I wish there was more of a focus sometimes on clarifying that **sexual** involvement is ***entirely*** optional and exactly part of the same discussion and open communication as everything else must be. And even within a quadruple or whatever, sexual intercourse may be part of some members' connections but not others - and that is still perfectly valid as an arrangement - because **precisely** the point is accepting every other person for their needs, and what works for everyone, rather than demanding an explicit set of requirements and rejecting everyone who doesn't match perfectly, on the hunt for the 'perfect one'.
The self-awareness and contingent discussion and communication with others that this requires is **exactly** the strength of polyamory.
this is spot on. i’m kinda new to this and learning the steps as i go but communication and having rules and things are really important for that type of relationship. everyone involved needs to feel safe about having a voice and be able to come and talk about how they feel about the situation.
I'm sort of new too. :) I mean, I've always been poly, but I've only recently discovered the term and realized there are people like me and I'm not alone. I always felt like I was just a messed up problem because everyone else could just "pick one" and I couldn't. And not for superficial reasons, but rather I can genuinely fall in love with who someone is as a person and have that with multiple people. It makes it more difficult to come out when there's so much hate towards polyamory.
@@elisakrivas i completely understand. it’s good you found out about the term and it’s community. you arent alone ☺️
My partner moved to a new school, and started flirting with people without my consent, and just came out to me as poly (after they had been saying that they definitely aren’t poly.) They ran into my old friend there (who doesn’t respect my boundaries, and I have expressed made me very uncomfortable) and wants to date them now. They said I could say no if I’m not comfortable with it, but then got upset when I said I didn’t know how to feel about them deciding this together without talking to me until now, and I need to think. Would this be considered cheating or wrong? I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve never been in a poly relationship before, so I don’t know if this would be classified as wrong. Well, I was in a “poly” relationship once, where they cheated on me behind my back without telling me they were poly at all, and didn’t ask for my consent, but that was very clearly not okay.
Edit:
I feel like I didn’t make this super clear, but they came out as poly after they had been flirting with my old friend for a while, and decided together that they want to date before even considering talking to me about it. I had told them story’s about how this old friend didn’t respect my boundaries, and used to grope me… but I guess they thought that I would be okay with them dating this person?
This is like saying unhealthy monogamous relationships aren't monogamous because they're unhealthy. Just because these relationships are unhealthy, doesn't mean they're not polyamorous.
Thank you- as someone in a relationship with someone I deeply love (and this someone wants to “try” polyamory)- I wanted to focus on the need for communications and considerations. I have been raised in a strict and unhealthy environment, required ALOT of development of my self. Now polyamory comes to the table and I’m still set in a monogamous mindset, yet wanting to open the possibility door for the profound love I have. Communication is big for me so thanks for defining this all out…
You are FRIKEN AWESOME THANKYOU for clearing things up and also being non partial. I appreciate you
I’m really glad I found this. I am 34, bi, and I’ve only ever had monogamous relationships. When I a am single, I am fine with dating multiple people, and I tell them all that we are not exclusive until we have a discussion that we want to be. I’ve become curious about whether I would like to be poly. It’s not a sex thing for me, it’s a fulfillment thing. I just don’t really like cutting myself off to the potential of other connections. So I’m just now starting to look into polyamory and all it entails to see if it might be for me. I feel like it is, but I don’t want to just jump in without understanding what kind of partner I need to be to have a successful poly relationship.
My boyfriend really wants to be poly but I'm just so not for it. I've tried to tell him how it scares me, why it scares me, and that I don't think I really wanna open our relationship but he sort of just says stuff like "but you might find that you like it" or "but that won't happen" when you can SAY that all you want, but that doesn't change how I FEEL.
Now I'm at a point where I'm not sure how to even say "I DONT WANT TO" because I'm afraid he'll just do it again and we'll just go around in circles.
The other day he said he didn't really see it through my point of view and that he keeps forgetting my mind is different and still wanted my intake, but I wasn't sure what to say because i have my own issues with speaking up that don't have to do with him and just having it happen a few times made it hard to open up to him about it
Ketikatz If he says “but that won’t happen,” ask him how he’s going to ensure it won’t happen. If he’s shutting down your thoughts and feelings, he’s not suited for polyamoury, either. Polyamoury requires uncomfortable talks and honest discussion without invalidating each other’s feelings. How long into the relationship did he tell you? If you’ve been together for a long time and he’s only told you recently, then he’s been deceiving you.
Sounds like he's cheating under the guise of polyamory. If you don't want to try poly them you don't have to and he shouldn't push you. But.. do you really want to be with someone that does whatever he wants despite what you've said?
"Poliamory" and "open relationship" are the political correct terms for when one part of what was supposed to be a monogomous relationship wants to have one more or multiple partners without being labeled as "cheater".
The difference is that they make you aware or you find out but you are so in love or afraid to love that person that you agree with the situation if it hurts your core deeply, and the other part knows this... they just don't care.
This has been happening for a long time, wives and husbands knowing their partner has a lover or side piece and they'll just accept it in order not to dissolve what they have or totally lose that person, but now people wanna act "cool and woke" and just play the "rolly polly" game.
You are not "Poliamory", it's just your own needs can't be satisfied by just one person, it's not about loving the other, it's about feeding your greedy selfish ego.
I think you’re neglecting the fact that there are polyamorous relationships in which BOTH parties, knowingly enter into a relationship without the expectation of monogamy because that’s what they both want.
No, that's not what polyamory is. If you don't want to be open, then don't. But don't put other people down for their choices just because you disagree
I am thrilled by your wisdom. I enjoyed your video. Could I make a request? I had a tough time adjusting my sound to give you less of a stark sound. I would love for your lovely voice to come through the speakers a bit less harsh sounding. I wonder if there is possibly a setting on your end that could help. Thanks. Keep up your intriguing wisdom.
Omg I love you! I have seen these "poly" relationships go bad
I’m glad you spoke on this Thank you so much for making this I was in a polyamorous relationship he took none of my insecurities my fears seriously wants whatever he manipulated me used me and unfortunately no I’m pregnant by him and I’m blocked on everything so we have no contact
I found this video @ a low point & it was helpful in all the right ways. I have been dealing with a long-term partner with whom I've had a difficult relationship (marriage) who has decided they identify as 'poly'. I've heard everything mentioned in this video. Knowing the things I hear really are toxic & unhealthy gave me the emotional rally I really needed
Polyamory is so hard. I don't know if you read my comment Ashley. But I need to write my heart out.
I and my boyfriend decided to switch to polyamory a few years ago, and then about 18 months passed without any new person involve. Then I started dating another young man. He's new to the concept but really wanted to try it out. But he refused to meet or talk directly to my boyfriend as he's "not ready yet". 6 months of dating went well because my (before) boyfriend is amazing and we bond better and better.
But then the young man has another date. He informed the date with the situation, but she can not process it. They "can not process it" with kissing and stuff in about a months, without informing me in the latest 2 weeks.
I decided that it's not clear and transparent enough for me, that I can not feel trust and decided to leave him. He agreed and said polyamory is so hard, he doesn't think it fits him.
Sorry I need to tell this. Mourning period. I fell for the man so hard in that 6 months. And now I'm not sure about should or should not dating new people anymore.
Don't force it. Consider yourselves open to being polyamory, but a monogamous couple by default. I'm polyamorous and I'm single. Not even looking for a relationship right now. It just means that I am capable, willing, and even happy to be in a relationship with more than one partner, not that I have to actually be in a relationship at the moment.
Recently came out of a toxic relationship..... I agree to every single point mentioned in this video. It's kinda hard forgetting it all though.
I totally forgot I followed you. I was so surprised and happy to see your face pop-up! Lol
This helps me a lot... there are somethings are saying that is familiar.. what if she if i address my worries about her trying to do other things with other ppl that ONLY WE DO and she tries to say i dont respect her for being poly and that if she cant do certain things then shes leaving me or she isnt going to be with me what does that mean?.. she says its cause she cares about my feelings and she seriously loves me and doesnt wanna hurt me... we’ve known each other for years.. we’ve never had a problem we’ve always had each other and a few days ago we confessed our feelings to each other... she says shes poly.. but she doesnt ask me how i feel about certain ppl and if im ok with it apparently there was some other guy she was calling “daddy” that i didnt even know about she sent me screenshots saying he was trying get with her and they argued bc he didnt know she was poly and that she was messin with someone else too luckly they only talked for that day... i asked her what started bc she sent the screenshot but had some parts above cut out she said she doesnt remember nothin before it bc she blocked him and so i messaged him and thats how i found out she was talking to him and she was the one that was trying to get with him.. and i never even knew about it this poly stuff is new to me..... i REALLY LOVE HER and i and REALLY WANT AND NEED this to work but since you seem to know a lot i hope you see this comment and please tell me, at least you or someone who isnt going to lie to me...
I don't know if you're still in a relationship with this person, but I did want to offer my insight if it would be helpful to you or anyone who may see your comment and relate to it.
You mention how she claims to seriously love you, yet she's also lying to your face about the actions she's doing. She isn't seriously addressing your worries or concerns about how her actions impact you and the relationship you two are trying to have together. She may be polyamorous, but that doesn't mean that she cannot or is not cheating. Polyamory requires ongoing conversation and agreement between /everyone/ involved. Going behind anyone's back, like how you mentioned she's secretly talking to others, and breaking trust and promises, *is* cheating.
If you did not agree with her beforehand that it's genuinely okay for her (or you) to talk to others without mentioning it, then her doing so is a violation of your relationship together and your boundaries. Violating any boundaries is cheating. You are allowed to want to know who she is talking to, especially if she's having sex with others, since unprotected sex would affect you too. It's also okay to want to know because you are feeling insecure in your relationship. If she is genuinely polyamorous, she needs to take the feelings of *every* partner seriously, particularly insecurities. She needs to respect your feelings, and the two of you need to reach a mutually beneficial agreement on how your relationship works so that everyone involved is comfortable.
Not only is she hurting and lying to you, but she was also lying to the guy she tried to pick up and call "daddy." If he is unaware of her being polyamorous, and what her relationships with others are like, he is being led on and lied to about the relationship status he has with her. He did not consent to be in a polyamorous relationship. It's valid to only want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone, you don't *have* to sign on to polyamory if you know it's not for you. It's okay to end a relationship because the two of you cannot make opposing needs work.
It's also a red flag for anyone to deliberately cut away parts of a conversation within a screenshot if they are trying to prove a particular point to you, particularly if they are trying to prove their honesty. That hints towards that person not wanting to reveal the full truth, meaning that that person is aware that what they are doing is wrong, and they are trying to avoid being caught on it. If she cannot show you the *full* truth of her relationships with others (with their added consent), something is wrong.
I do not believe this woman cares about you in the ways she wants you to believe. She is clearly disrespecting your feelings by lying and dismissing your attempts to sort things out and be heard. I understand that you care about her deeply, and it's okay for those feelings to exist, because it is valid to feel emotions, but I don't think this situation is healthy or sustainable for you. You may want to be with her, and feel that it's a deep need, but that feeling alone won't save the relationship on its own. She *must* put in the effort to gain your trust and treat you well, as well as be fully transparent and honest. From all that you've said, it seems likely that she doesn't want to put in that effort. It takes effort on both sides, not just you.
I want to remind you that you are a full and complete person on your own. Being in a relationship doesn't make you a better or worse person. You don't need her to be happy, as much as you may feel that to be true. I genuinely hope you're in a better place now than nine months ago, but just know it's never too late to change things and seek happiness. You deserve to feel secure in your relationship(s), regardless of if you are monogamous or polyamorous. You deserve to feel respected and cared for. If you have broken up since then, (which I do think is a necessity in this case), I recommend trying to find ways to "date" yourself to feel happier with just you. Don't forget to treat yourself well, and with care.
Partners can be amazing to have, but being in a relationship is more like an added bonus for the two (or more) of you to explore together, to enrich your lives. To add further goodness to the lives you already have. Romantic relationships can't solve all the problems you have or believe you have. You won't find salvation in another person like that, stability has to start with you and your relationship with yourself. Romantic relationships aren't a life requirement. You don't need to be dating to be happy or complete, I promise. Sending you love and all my best wishes! ❤❤
I was seeing someone who used the title "polyamory" to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted without recourse or communication about her needs ahead of time.
Edit: thank you thank you for this video. It really put my mind at ease as i had started to gaslight myself about the situation i just got out of.
Thank you for posting this video! Great message😊
I would have to say that this is THE BEST explanation of polyamory that I have seen yet. I am in a committed relationship with someone who is poly, however we are agreed to be monogamous for us. I have been doing my research to try to understand this and you nailed it. Thank you.
I should've found this video a long time ago, it could've saved me my precious time. : , )
I'd just like to say thank you for removing any misconceptions to polyamory. I'm currently single (never had a partner in my life, but I know enough about myself that I may have tendencies in loving more than one person if it fits right) and I've been curious about polyamory for awhile and sadly many of the most viewed videos that appear first are from conservative youtubers who believe that polyamory is bad and can't seem to separate actual polyamory with an unhealthy relationship. It sadly also doesn't help that with the whole Will Smith and Jada situation that many media outlets tend to confuse polyamory and open with a clearly toxic relationship.
God where has this been when I got hate after trying to explain me being poly to my peers
My situation is sad, hard to deal with. I agreed to get involved with a girl who is poly and lives with her primary. To start off with, he’s not poly, and neither am I, only she is. Her and I started out like a movie…perfect beginning. We both fell in love quickly and naturally. Her primary didn’t mind at first but we got so close that his jealousy brought him to make her choose. She chose me, but circumstances being as they were, she was still dependent on him in her living situation. This put a huge amount of stress on our relationship and the few months of our monogamy went stale and they got back together. She was willing to be monogamous with me, but not him since we are still together but struggling because they are doing really well, and her and I are just…I don’t know how to explain it, just there. Not like it was. My problem is that I love her so deeply that I don’t want to let her go. It’s not healthy…all the reasons why I fell in love with her, that energy she put into me, that affection she gave to me, she’s shifted back to him and I’m left getting hurt constantly, and fighting to get things back to the beginning. Knowing that I’m ok with being a secondary as long as I have the girl that I had at the start. She says she has not fallen out of love with me, but she doesn’t show it any more. It’s hard….i’m so crushed and have no idea what to do. I feel like he did this on purpose knowing that this would happen….like they’ve been though this before. I’m such a fool.
Thing is I was in a polyamorous relationship. But the other partner just wasn’t okay with it. And the person I was with chose the other person.
This a hundred times this! Thank you for uploading this.
Me who's not even in a relationship: *click*
I had just dated someone a gal who does “complete transparency" polyamory:
🚨private photos and basic details about me were shared among her five other ongoing male lovers, without me knowing.
🚨during our hangout, she would talk about her hangouts of her male lovers to me (detailed information dump).
🚨she had no respect for boundaries or personal right to privacy, and lacked ongoing consent.
🚨she forced these male lovers to meet with me because she wants everyone to know each other. These men are in their 40s-60s and I'm a lesbian in early 30s.
🚨triangulation, edging, manipulation, reaction and boundary testing occurred onto me.
🚨I drew a reasonable boundary to protect my sense of safety and she flat out said: NO!
I left after 2 months because of so many red flags which all were text book NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIORS!!
I like the idea of remaining single and an individual, first and foremost, while exploring various romantic encounters that come and go. Would that be Solo Polyamory or something different?
The lie of polyamory is absolutely ideal for the Boss Level Chads and Tyrones out there. In my day, they used to be called "Players", but the term polyamory adds a fresh, new layer of sophistication and nuance for these Alphas to leverage when upping their game.
I have to hand it to whoever came up with this polyamory concept. Well played, Sir. 👏
Truth is, most people are not emotionally equipped to play the polyamory game. I have seen it play out with a close family member who has fallen for this and is perpetually miserable d/t the lack of commitment and her inability to find or land the Alpha Chad that will make her his "#1".
I think that's so true.
This is a rule for all relations.
Every form of relation (even friendship ) asks for this.
This is a good video. Very informational.
Wow thank you for this great video. This gave me an understanding of polyamory. And respect for it too!
Bless this video
Thank you so much for making this my relationship is really confusing right now and this has helped a lot thank you
I love you. Thank you. This is about the amour in the word!! 💖
Polyamory is tricky. When my boyfriend was in a poly relationship, (F+M+F+F+M) I don’t believe the group understood each other, because most of the group just wanted to be with his boyfriend, and used him to get to his boyfriend. There was much backbiting even though my boyfriend loved each partner, they schemed to get his boyfriend to break up with him. It was a mess. He has long since only been with me. Even though poly, he is scared to be with other poly people. I wish there weren’t so many schemers out there!
Thank you for this video. I've been feeling like shit because of my partner and you really put everything into perspective.
I know of a man who can help you get your ex back he help me restore my relationship back
Whats"app him ....
+1 (2 1 3) 3 7 5- 2 1 8 9
I’m very open and very clear with it from the very get go and then four months later they will not let me go in that row and basically trick me into a monogamous relationship and I didn’t want to be that way. And then it gets all complicated because they just just said whatever to me to keep me around and said they wanted to be poly and have fun with others occasionally and then when it boils down to that they didn’t want anybody included and they were just using it as a way to lure someone in so they could be close to somebody. I see this all the time where couples will be together in one person is like completely transparent about wanting to be polyamorous they’ll say it in front of their partner in front of everybody their partner will also agree they will set up an a meeting for everyone to get together and have a fun night not so much for sex or anything but just even just for fun just to meet new people and then suddenly the jealousy starts flying and they were really just lying the whole time to just start some crap because blah blah blah I don’t understand people sometimes I really don’t it’s like you think that people could be honest with what they really want and follow through with it but it’s never that simple.
Maybe stop having a Brainfart and realize why Monogamy is so prevelant and especialy in the way it is when it comes to timeline (polyamory was first and then was completly going outta-fashion when Humanity became more civilized); why so massively many VERY-INCLUSIVE People stand against it; and why people side with all minorities but not this one.
I needed to hear so much of this! Thank you!
I know of a man who can help you get your ex back he help me restore my relationship back
Whats"app him ....
+1 (2 1 3) 3 7 5- 2 1 8 9
Yes this is definitely what I am doing :)
I cannot thank you enough for this.
Omg!!! Thank you!!!! My poly bf has really bad NRE right now, it's so painful. Thank you for making this video!!
NRE is so tough. It’s so wonderful to feel, and can be so excruciating to watch a partner feel. Hope it all levels out soon!
@@AWylde Thank you 🙏
Thank you! I really needed to hear this
Trust, honesty, and consent is exactly what I want in a relationship poly or not
also dating poly as a monogamous person well ..yeah you can do that i guess, but it can be really hard because .. like to me for example, i used to think what if i can do it, but i knew deep down that at least with that person the way that they were being poly and the way that they made me feel about entering that with them.. , i would have had to neglect my needs a lot. a lot lot. cause if this resonates with you then that can be different, but if you are monogamous, and not feeling the polygamy, then you're gonna never truly get what you want. you could maybe discover that this is what you want, but if you don't then those compromises are painful and they might not stop being painful. also neither you trying to be poly nor them trying to be mono is really a compromise in that case, i mean idk maybe there are other compromises but the relationshipstyle would be a compromise for mostly one of you idk -
this is not a recepy or sth but i would guess that a more compromise-like solution if two people wanna make it work, could be more like.. "i'm not gonna ask you to break up with your two partners, but i am gonna ask that its not gonna be with new ones. i'll meet them a lot, just them and me too, i'll try to get used to them, and to be open for them and for this. i'll hopefully eventually come to an acceptance for this, and i might maybe also date one or two more people if that were to happen that i want that, but this is it then"
or "i will try to tolerate this, if you make a big effort to try making us the priority, and only have one night stands with others" (sounds shitty but idk, maybe for some people thatd work? )
or "we can look if maybe we find a polyamorous relationship, .. but we are only gonna go for one where its actually a throuple or a .. quapple :D - if new people enter the polycube, its gonna have to be because we all have fallen for one another, we arent dating outside our relationship"
Thank you for this!
A year later ik but i finally got a little bit of information just to say in a situation this year making me wish I saw this sooner. I dont mind if people find this weird lol just felt like saying
Hmm, sometimes partners will never feel validated , no matter how much work goes for them as it might be a jealousy issue. Reason I have not to this day I have been with one, as to me feels is also not poly. As polyamory is personal in responsible non monogamy, when responsibility is more than a definition for polyamory but a personal matter, thanks for sharing.
you're on point with everything :)
this is an impeccable video
Very well done, love this video 🙌
👏This 👏is👏so👏important👏
Eye opening stuff, thank you
But....how do I know whether I am poly or not....?
i have a question so basically i like two people and i have a partner right now and i like another girl so would i be able to date them both without them having to date each other?
Yes, that's called a Vee
Soooo true. Amen. 🙏 Thank you for this. Also I have a crush on you. 😍
Very interesting video! I don’t know if I agree when you say that a polyamorous relationship is not polyamorous when it’s toxic. I think it can be, just like a monogamous relationship can be monogamous and toxic at the same time. Right?
Yeah, I agree. The video was intended to explain to people with no experience with nonmonogamy that not all polyamory is like that, but some people will misuse the term to describe toxic and abusivo situations.
I want only one partner who will do all these things but I love this talk I also am sharing all these things with other people but many people don’t. I just want one person one is defined enough I don’t call it polyamory because people use this definition for sharing partners. I don’t want to share my partner and I don’t want to share myself with others 100% only one person it’s really difficult to find a person like this
I'm glad I found your channel. Because from my observation the points you're making are essential and valid. Whenever I've had opinions about this, because I'm interested in the subject, people are like "don't be judgemental about poly, you conservative alt right bla blabla ", but actually, poly can be used to mask an unhealthy relationship, unless you properly think about your actions and morals and that is why it needs to be thought about properly.
I respectfully disagree with your premise that being in a bad poly relationship means you arent in a poly relationship at all. You essentially classify poly as being something that can only be good and if it ever falls outside the definition of good and healthy then it ceases to be poly altogether. There can be bad, damaging, manipulative poly relationships just as there can be bad, damaging, and unhealthy monogamous relationships.
I agree with your points, but I think she means that some people join a poly relationship or try being poly for the wrong reasons and that makes a toxic relationship, not a true representation of what a poly relationship is supposed to be. Just like a monogamous relationship isn't supposed to be a forced, uncomfortable, or "let's try this out" relationship either.
Thank you for this video
OMG, this. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this
Good grief, I can't keep up with all these relationship types. Never mind, I'll stay single.