My son is Ace. I am totally accepting of it. Other family members using the same "oh you haven't found the right person's" reasons on him, I want to smack them. Let him be. Thanks for sharing your story. 💜
LOL, worse still is I just found out a loved one is trans and I have been guilty of assuming things ... but in my defense , they never told me, and I would have been totally supportive. Of course now I know, but yah! From the other side, it kind of hurt because I knew there was something wrong, and they didn't trust me enough? Or maybe they were still working it out, I don't know, but I love them, and hope they will finally start finding happiness with self understanding :) !
You perfectly described how having "a crush" while asexual is. I would look around at people who I spent a little bit of time with and say "they seem good enough" and say they were my crush.
My mom thought I was a lesbian for the longest time before I knew that there was a word for asexuality so I relate to this so much. Quiet queerness is the perfect phrase since I have found that the online Ace community to be pretty toxic at times so I typically don't get to talk about it much with anyone. I am so happy that this video exists. I swear, it's like looking into a mirror.
Thank you Chae! Almost any online community can be/seem toxic at times, the internet is both great and terrible at times. People have been joking with me that "I was just a lesbian and didn't know it" or was just "secretly gay" since I was a teenager, though not in a malicious way really, but I can still understand those sorts of comments.
This was a very nice video. I am an heretosexual woman, a feminist and an anarchist and my whole life, from everyone I hear that my interest ( I make garments, jewelry, bags, hats) about clothes contradicts anarchism and feminism, since it is because I want to attract men, which is not. So, I am very pleased to hear that a woman on the other side of the planet also spends a lot of personal time for creating an elegant appearence, and she definately does no do it for attracting erotic partners. I knew it all along: women have an inclination in finding and creating beauty just for themselves.😊.
Thank you! Yes I love fashion, and beautiful things, and make up, and things that are even considered "pin up", but never once have I invested time or money in these things for anyone but myself and my own enjoyment. I agree that it is incredibly strange that some people think others only spend time and care on themselves just to attract a partner, people like to look and feel nice for other reasons!
I feel better emotionally when I take care of myself physically. I'm 72 and still wear makeup and love earrings. I have no interest in attracting a partner. I love talking to interesting people but I truly value my alone time.
First thing I do on getting up is to apply my makeup and do my hair. Then people say - oh, are you going out? No. I just like to look my best. For me. Even if I'm digging potatoes or shovelling compost. When I pass a mirror, it makes me happy. Not to attract the bin man or our neighbour (twat), just for ME. I love the fact that Bianca always looks amazing, just to make herself happy. Good for her!
I find the phrase 'quiet queerness' resonates with me. I will tuck it into my life like a bookmark and gaze upon it whenever I open the pages of my sexuality for a little reading.
Stumbled across this completely randomly (well, not really cause I also sew) but... as an ace person... this is... just really, really comforting for me. Thank you for putting into words the things I struggle to say.
I love your channel and your talent. You are such a joy to watch! I know You Tube takes a lot of time! While I’m not a part of the LGBTQ community, I very much appreciate you explaining what asexuality is. I guess part of me hopes you will be surprised at some point with a fulfilling and happy relationship. But I now understand that you are comfortable in your own skin and don’t “need” that to be happy. Did I get it right?
Hi! Thanks for this! It feels nice to not be alone. I do have a person (who also ids as ace) that is my... life partner? For lack of better words. We have long term plans to grow old together. But it’s really hard to get people to understand. When necessary we just use “girlfriends” but that has lead to my family to decide to refer to me as a lesbian. I have no problems with lesbians but misidentification is frustrating... It’s also hard to explain I experience what I refer to as “aesthetic attraction” where I find someone really artistically appealing to look at... but I still have 0 desire to have sex with them. Sometimes I just refer to myself as queer to avoid questions. Especially since my gender identity isn’t... clear. It’s difficult since people decide I must be confused when I do try to explain. But I am not confused about what I experience. I just lack the words. Imagine having to explain heterosexuality without the words.
I certainly think aesthetic attraction is a thing, I think people are pretty/handsome/"attractive" all the time but don't want to sleep with them. I also can relate to using queer as an easier to use identifier. Having a word that is a bit of a catch all like queer is really useful, which is why I am sad that some people are still against it being reclaimed but I understand the reasoning there. It is super hard to explain the lack of attraction, but I find that sexual people have a really hard time explaining to me what exactly sexual attraction feels like too, so it seems each "side" is in the same boat there!
TheClosetHistorian I think you’re right actually! I guess I am so used to it being seen as the “norm” I’ve never really asked the reverse! In the end I wonder if language can ever really convey a person’s experience of living. Sometimes I wish that there was a less loaded term that didn’t have so much negative history. But for now it’s the only ‘catch all’ I know that is also widely well known and usually stops the questions.
Thank you for sharing this! There is sadly not a lot of ace representation out there, though it`s been getting better lately and not in the least thanks to awesome creators like you! I know it`s silly but high school was tough (same for many aces, I guess). I heard a lot from both my so-called school friends as well as bullies then that it`s not that I don`t want anyone, it`s just really no one would want me cos I`m fat and ugly and awkward and I know it. So even now (though I am a grown woman who has been romanticly attracted to both men and women and even dated some of them) I still catch myself sometimes on having these awful thoughts and seeing such beautiful and talented people like you coming out as ace means a lot to me. Thank you.
I’ve watched lots of your sewing videos and this one just popped up in my feed, even though it is old. Some of the comments here say people have been mean or the Ace community has been toxic, etc. There is just no place for meanness and I’m a bit appalled that a very small group of people having such private things in common would be mean to each other. thank you for being open and explaining things so nicely and even with a bit of humor. (I find humor in lots of your videos- you are just very subtle about it, and are very funny sometimes.) The only advice I would ever say is continue to be yourself and try not to ever let stupid mean people bother you. You are a beautiful and lovely person and you spend time making videos that help people, so sexuality is irrelevant. I hope you are happy and doing well this year!
I struggled alone for a long time without really understanding what ace was. I knew I wasn’t like “normal” people. But when I was younger there was no information. I spent my whole yearly adult life wanting to be like everyone else. I come from a very traditional family where I was expected to get married and have kids etc. it was hard. But last year I watched your video about it and something clicked and I knew I was ace. It’s a relief to finally know who you are and know your not broken, you were born this way and that’s okay. But it still scary sometimes. There is a lot of pressure from society to fit in. Some days I struggle to except I’m different and some days I am happy I am. It’s all a learning experience and it’s getting easier. Thank you xx
After feeling confused and out of place for so long I've come to the conclusion that I'm demisexual. I can enter a room and tell if there's someone I find attractive, but it doesn't mean I want or can act on it. Friends and family always tell me to relax and look around, that I'm just being shy, but while shyness is also part of who I am, I can't seem to be sexually involved unless I spend time and build a relationship with someone. I've been called a prude plenty of times, but I'm not hindered either by morality or religion, I don't see anything wrong in meeting a person and feel there and then that you desire them, it's just not me. I don't know if it's different with same sex relationships, but my experience is that I almost never find someone who'll wait for me to be interested, it almost always ends up months later with an awkward conversation where I finally have some interest and the guy in question admits puzzled that he had no idea that I was interested in the first place, and that's because I really wasn't before. Long story short lots of single life, which I honestly don't mind. Thanks for this video! I have to say that it feels good to talk about it.
Thank you for sharing Stella, it does feel good to talk about it I agree! People always tell me I'm just afraid or shy too, and sure I am a bit shy-- but that doesn't bother me, it's not something I feel I need to change. I can really relate to what you say about not being prudish or hindered by any moral or religious constructs, I feel the same way. It can be really hard to find people who are understanding and patient, but I have heard of people on the ace spectrum finding even "normal" sexual partners who love them for them and are understanding. It's odd that people aren't patient with demisexuals when the 'friends who later figure out they have feelings for one another' thing is so common, at least in media!
I know I'm late to the party, but I only just got this video in my recommends. Thank you so much for posting this. It means a lot to me to see other people proud of their asexuality. It can feel really isolating figuring it out when you're younger and not knowing what an adult life looks like when you aren't dating or getting married. It's so, so reassuring to see someone like you happy and successful. Also, "they have a nice face I guess" is an absolute mood. I straight up believed people when they told me I had a crush on someone bc they seemed to know more about how that stuff worked than I did
I may not know what crushes and sexual attraction feel like, but none of my friends ever seem able to exactly explain either 😂 Adult asexuality for me so far means never having to share dessert, always getting to watch the movie I want, nobody snoring next to me...I'd like to try the whole partnered thing someday maybe (I'm still a romantic little human 😅) but it's sorta nice knowing I am a whole and complete and interesting person all on my own!
Your point at 6:45 really hit home. I'm a bisexual trans man- I like people and I defy the normal idea of gender. I do things that would reasonably upset cis straight people. But getting mad at asexual or aromatic people makes no sense. Like??? They're mad because...you're not having sex? You're not intoanyone? What a strange hill to die on.
❤ People getting upset over how other people they don't know live their lives is just always weird, like it literally doesn't effect them /at all/? Humans are strange
I know this video is old but in the spirit of pride month coming up...I came out as Ace in 2020/2021 Honestly, realizing it was the most freeing thing and I felt like this huge weight was lifted off of me. I learned so much about myself and finally feel like 'me' and that there wasn't something 'wrong' with me. Thank you for sharing
Thanks for being so open. I am an older cis white woman married to a man for 26 years. I listen to people sharing their truth while noticing what comes up in my brain in response from my own inculturation. I love that you don’t consider this your problem.
I was so relieved when I discovered I was asexual and that there was an "official" label for how I am. Thank you for sharing your experience in a frank and open way. If someone wants to understand where I stand in the rainbow of sexuality, I'm playing them your video!
Thank you so much Tara! Some days I really like having a label and other days I disparage having to have one, but it can be useful when someone demands to know, as people so often do!
I didn't find out that such a thing as asexuality existed until I was in my late twenties, and even then it took a few years to apply the label to myself. I think my teenage years/early twenties would have been a lot less stressful, had I known about this. Less "What's wrong with me? I'm 22/25/27 and have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend". I'm much more settled in my own skin now, at 33, than back then. So thank you for this video, visibility is SO important.
As soon as I found out asexuality was a 'thing' I was just like "ohhhh, yep". It is very irritating to be made to feel something is wrong, when in fact you may just be different and that is totally valid and fine :)
Thank you. I have never understood the word Asexual. Thank you for explaining it so well. My mother called one of my classmates a "funny girl"; however, she did get married but she never had any children. She is still the same person that I used to play games and work puzzles with when we were children (we are now old women). You are not alone. If you are happy and healthy, then you have a lot more than most married people have. I love watching your videos; because, you make beautiful garments and other items. Don't try to change yourself to please other people. I like you very much just the way you are.
Very interesting, Bianca, thanks for explaining the concept of asexuality., which is not my experience but we're all individuals and deserve respect. I wish you a happy pride month, and a happy life altogether. You are you, and it sounds as though you are comfortable with that now, which is fantastic x
So I've been watching your channel for ages. I absolutely love your costuming videos and rewatch them frequently. I'd never run across this particular video before, and I literally found it by accident tonight. And I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being so awesome and beautifully dressed and fabulous. I'm ace. I went along with the sex thing for years because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. And I got my son out of it so I can live with the fact that I did something that made me feel gross for years - he's amazing and I'd never regret it. Still after I finally realized that it truly wasn't something that I needed or wanted in my life, I was so much happier. But realizing that I never wanted to attract anyone sort of led to me constantly living in sweatpants for years on end (well, that and single parenting ayoung child and having no energy to doll myself up ever). There was this feeling of "why do I need to bother?" which ended up with me developing some kind of dysphoria to the point that I don't even recognise myself in photos. Your channel, and the amazing things you make and your awesome makeup whenever you're in front of the camera has really been a huge inspiration to me to kind of get my shit together when in comes to my appearance - not in a conventionally "well-dressed" kind of way, things I actually like and not because I wanted to get someone to like me. Finding out that you're ace as well and you dress like that because YOU like it is just indescribably awesome somehow. Sorry if this make no sense, if you actually see this random comment on a three year old video, but running across this made me really happy and I just wanted to try and put it into words.
Thank you for your kind words Kat ❤ I am very lucky that for the most part I have always just dressed for my own amusement yes. There were a few years in college where I really struggled with self esteem and didn't "let myself" wear vintage because I thought I didn't "deserve" it (whatever that means grr!) and also wouldn't let anyone take photos of me. So it hasn't always been smooth sailing for me, but I like surrounding myself with pretty things as much as I can and certainly feel clothes and make-up are a part of that fun!
Love that you were open and felt comfortable talking about this! Asexuality is definitely an under represented sexuality that more people need educated about.
A breath of fresh air, thank you for your honesty and intelligence. We live in a world where sex is literally in your face at every turn, and it makes me queasy with revolt and annoyance! Who needs a bleedin label anyway, we are what we are!
I originally found your channel thanks to my current sewing journey, but this video just popped up in my recommended list today, and I’m so glad it did. I just wanted to say thank you, as a fellow ace, for sharing your experience. It resonates so much with me. I truly appreciate you shedding some light on the reality that some of us are truly quietly queer. ❤
Jupp, as another ace person you described my experience perfectly! I totally didn't know people could be attracted to someone and want to do something about it. I am aware on a objective level that someone is attractive, but that doesn't do anything for me😄
Can i just say that i'm so happy right now?? I am asexual too and i subscribed to your videos a while ago because i love the vintage style and your videos are amazing, but this was a nice surprise haha Thank you for making such a good informative video on the subject and also for all of the awesome vintage content. Oh, and happy pride month!
I was already in love with your channel and now I discover you’re a fellow ace gurl! People find it confusing because I am married, and I always have to explain that being ace doesn’t mean you can’t experience romantic attraction and fall in love.
Thank you! Yeah people do have a hard time understanding, but I always have a hard time understanding what sexual attraction must actually feel like too, so I kinda get the disconnect I suppose. I certainly wouldn't mind falling in love/being married someday, though it is so nice to feel zero rush as so many of my peers seem to ha!
thank you so much for posting!!! This is a great video that I'm definitely going to use in the future as I explain my own asexuality to others in my life!! Also what you said about arbitrarily picking a crush throughout your life is literally me, so thank you for helping me feel like I'm not alone!!
Thank you Shannon! It was when I heard people talking about crushes in the "I literally can't stop thinking about them, get really nervous around them, want them so badly can't stand it" sort of terms when I realized that I had just never felt that way before ;)
Giiiiirrrl! How awesome is this!? I just found your channel yesterday when researching everyday vintage style and then you post this video. I have been trying to learn a bit more about ace/aro identities, partly just to educate myself and partly because I think I might identify somewhere on that spectrum. I've been doing training and organising for my local Pride parade this week too (for a community group I'm involved with) and I think that's why I'm thinking about it more. My experience isn't quite like yours but it is so great to hear you talk about it. Happy Pride month!
Thanks for sharing! I'm demi and I feel like ace/demi people are usually expected to be androgynous so seeing someone traditionally (vintagely) feminine is awesome.
Thank you Heather! When I was younger I really struggled with/was-blinded-by the "but I'm so femme, so I could never be queer right?" stereotype. Gotta love that internalized nonsense!
Think you’re incredibly honest and you know who you are and that’s incredible...society labels people with terms and definitions and we don’t all fit in the same box. Had heard the term ‘asexual or pansexual’ however didn’t know what it meant. Glad to have a better understanding from a persons point of view. As a heterosexual woman, I feel attraction to men and honestly that can be frustrating at times. Especially if attracted to someone who is physically attractive to me but doesn’t have qualities that compliment me in a partner. That happened recently. Was fortunate I had the strength and didn’t fulfill a need with him lol. Not easy though. Your channel is lovely and I’ve learned a lot about vintage and vintage style from you. ☀️🌹 Looking forward to more videos about anything you’d like to post about. Wish you lived in Canada or I was close by to you so we could go for a tea/coffee together. You’d be a delight to chat with. Hugs from Ontario 😄
Thank you Lisa! I do get a lot of people telling me I'm lucky when I tell them I'm ace because I don't have to deal with the "drama", and while sometimes I do think it would be nice to have a partner, dating and the often odd sexual politics of the world do sound really irritating to navigate!
okay why am i just seeing this video? but thank you for this! seeing queer people out and talking about their queerness is so important. I'm bi (i describe my attraction as mostly women and nonbinary people and like 1 type of man) and somewhere on the ace spectrum (demi? greyace? the world may never know) so big solidarity!
Thank you so, so much for this video! The joy in finding a fellow aspec person in one of the loveliest corners of the internet can’t really be expressed with words ❤️
!!!!! wow i'm late to the party but happy to be here! with so little ace representation out there is rare to see an experience exactly like your own, even less with someone who shares the same hobby !!!!! any time i wished i had a date was just too have the occasion to dress up hahah like yeah i'm just interest in looking cute , i'm attracted to me being pretty that's it
My daughter is very quiet and unassuming, she is also bisexual and once she started to voice that and be open to everyone she seamed to fill with light regardless of the reaction of people. To thine own self be true. Thank you for the video it helped me to understand asexuality a little better.
Ace solidarity high five! A friend sent me your channel as I'm barely beginning sewing and am falling down many vintage/historical clothing rabbit holes, and it was so refreshing to watch one of your more recent videos and hear you talk so casually about how you view relationships/how comfortable you feel on your own. I hope you have a lovely day!
Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us. I bet it was at least a little bit scary - it is the internet after all. I don't feel like I 'see you in a different light' like some people sometimes say. As a 'normie' myself, others sexuality has never been a big deal to me. You're Bianca, this is just a part of who you are, like wearing vintage and writing a book. But I can see in the comments that this connects to a lot of the audience, so kudos for making them feel less alone.
So happy to see some representation of us asexuals in you! And it was a lovely video that I definitely wished I could have seen when I was still trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me even though nothing was wrong! Thank you for this!
Your description of how you don’t feel sexual attraction is exactly how I have always felt, but I have never been able to put it into words as well as that. Thank you so much for this video!
What a great and honest video! I have teenagers and my husband and I have noticed that they are so much more accepting of all people and appreciate differences than my era (graduated HS in ´87) did.. That is so refreshing and gives me hope in people. I’m so glad that more and more ‘people are sharing what makes them different. It’s the heart that counts and that’s what I taught my kids. Thanks for doing this. It’s so brave and wonderful. Lara Morrow (I flipped over to my thrift and flip channel)
Thank you so much for talking about this. My teen daughter identifies as asexual and struggles with the misconceptions and ignorance of the general public. And as an overtly sexual woman (I enjoy sex for the sheer intimacy of it) I sometimes struggle with how to help her. I think it's so important that others discuss their own experience so that others know they are not alone. Thank you for being honest and brave....and yes, I plan on showing her this video.
Bianca sometimes I feel im asexual too. However, I been sexually attracted to guys in the past so I dont know if that makes me a true asexual. I feel im more demisexual which means I can only see myself sleeping with someone I have a strong connection with which I never had. Im almost 26 and never had a relationship. I dont want to ever get married or have kids so I took a vow of celibacy. If i die a virgin, its not a big deal. I dont know why society thinks its a big deal to live a sexless life. Its not for everyone. Relationships are filled with drama so good thing for us, we dont have to deal with any games. I havent had a crush on anybody for about 3 years now. I see attractive men all the time, but have no desire to pursue anything. Just know your not alone. Asexuality is more common than we think. And theirs nothing wrong with it. Im so fed up with guys and their games that I choose to take myself out of the dating world. Im petrified of rejection. I gone thru it my whole life that I dont want to deal with it anymore. I identify with strait celibate. I lost all desire to have a relationship.
The dating world does sound very taxing! Sometimes it is best to just take a rest and let things fall where they may, and you're totally correct in that there is nothing wrong with being on the asexual spectrum or choosing to live a life without sex. Mainstream culture really makes it seems like sex is the best/most important thing/goal, but it just isn't for everyone!
TheClosetHistorian Unlike the olden days where a woman is expected to be modest and wait for her husband. Its completely opposite now where people even look at you weird if you havent lost your virginity by the time your 18. Much less 25. But I rather have my v card then knowing I was used by some jerk. I dont have a very high sex drive so I can live without sex. Sure I get urges, but not enough to act on them. I dont want any regrets in my life.
this video is more than 3 years old, but I am happy to have found it. I am asexual myself. Maybe a smidge of homoromantic (I mean, women have nice faces) or neptunicromantic (general slight romantic attraction to femme and androgynous people) but like...ace it is mostly. I've picked out crushes at random, be 'accused' of being a lesbian (which is shit in itself - I didn't like boys, so I must be gay, and that's baaaaadddd of course /s. I turn out to be gayish but the whole premise of 'wtf you must be a lesbian or what' is terrible) there's very little representation, the community is often toxic and like, obsessed with those ugly bland rings (???) and also, the representation there is aren't exactly conventionally attractive femme people who like looking good...for themselves, as self-respect.
I'm learning lots about LGBTQIA2S+ at the moment... and... it raises questions for me personally about stuff that I always took for granted... Thank you for sharing.
Straight people are so limiting. Everything tips their world views. I'm demi and actually thankful for it. It makes understanding what you do and don't want very clear and it's liberating :) Thank you for sharing!
As an enby ace thank you! A lot of my experiences have been very similar to this and it's taken me a long time to even consider that it's fine for me not to be interested in sexual relationships. It's the reason we need representation and people speaking honestly like this.
I didnt learn what Asexual was until I was 50. I have since learned that Im an aromantic Ace. I never dated (unless forced into a blind date). Glad to know another Ace out there!
This is wonderful and so helpful. I will definitely be sharing this with my fellow teachers and school staff. What a gift to share this! Thank you! Also, love your vintage projects. You are a force of nature!
You sound like what I use to be. Not really attracted to anyone, and happy with my solo life. It all changed when I was 34 and found my soul mate. We've now been married for 26 . The most important thing is, be yourself. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for explaining this. I always just thought of myself as the intellectual type who was not into the dating scene. But when I look back, the only person I had enjoyed a physical relationship with was also my best friend and we were together until he died. Anyone else I've ever experienced physical intimacy with, even if they were attractive, never felt right. No satisfaction and eventually a break up. I'm fine now having no one to date or sleep with and never think about it. But I miss my best friend and always will.
I don't think I've heard it said better before. I may steal the line "I'm interested in people as a concept". I really don't understand why anyone would have a problem with anything you said today. Happy and safe pride month. Oh and from what I hear you do have an ignore button for anyone who thinks that they get an opinion on how you should think and feel!
Thank you for opening your private life and sharing this topic. I have always been a a firm believer that descriptives don't matter when it comes to love. The soul is who you are attracted to, and souls don't read the labels. ☮️❤️😻
Oh thank you so much for putting this out there. So similar to my experience growing up. Have a crush on this person you know is unattainable to sound and feel 'normal' because you could give a rip less about attraction. Granted I have a husband and two children, but sexual attraction- yeah no.
Thanks for this video, I'm glad you decided to put this out there for internet consumption! I could definitely relate to a lot of what you were saying. It's tough, I haven't identified as ace even though I've never been in a relationship or on a date with anyone or been motivated to seek this out. The few times I've been pursued by someone were really unsettling to me, like the guy was perfectly fine and my friends encouraged me to try going on a date and all I kept thinking was "I don't want this random guy to come take me away from my friends!" or in the case of being hit on, it's more that I don't feel anything and think "Why is this *stranger* touching me?" I have an atypical life in other ways so it does make me wonder if I was more socially engaged in general, I'd have come across some sort of relationship I want. I *still* ask myself if maybe I'm lesbian and don't realize it! I've definitely been glad for "queer" as an umbrella term because I've never found identifying to be very straightforward. It feels hard to be sure about the *lack* of something, even though I'm clearly not on the same page as most people. But also I can't help but think that maybe if asexuality was more accepted as a possible choice, it would be easier for me to say that's where I fit.
Thank you for sharing your experience Topazera. I too wonder if I just went out more and met more people more often, if I would perhaps finally find someone I would be attracted to, because I am a total homebody! I have also really been exploring that question (wait, am I just gay and don't know?) again over the last year because I still ask it too, and allowing myself to actually really investigate that more has lead me to a new understanding of myself. As you put it "It feels hard to be sure about the lack of something, even though I'm clearly not on the same page as most people." I totally agree too. Though while many people don't often know about asexuality, I still don't think of it as a choice either. I don't choose to never experience attraction, it's just how I am. I really need to make more videos on this topic!
I laughed with this video. I'm apologizing now if it offends. But all I could think about your explanation was, why not me.. I don't know if it's hard on you, but damn if I don't wish I was born this way... you are awesome.
As an ace person who doesn't understand why people want to bump uglies (I recognize pretty? But I don't understand wanting to take clothes off and get all up in their bits), THANK YOU FOR THIS.
I've only recently started following you, and am slowly going through all your videos (one day i'm going to make a block, i swear!). So I just learned that you are ace!! As someone who is on the acespec, it made me super happy to see this video! thanks so much☺
When I first heard about asexuality it was in my late teens and because one of my friends was an asexual. In my early twenties I learned my mother is one too. And she has never had any sex drive and thought sex was kind of gross and a hassle. If it were up to her she would never have sex. But I suppose she still did because of expectations. She never had any urge to reproduce either, she had my brother and I because that's what society told her to do. She never heard about asexuality though. I'm technically on the scale where you have what is considered the norm on one end and asexuality on the other end. I've got classic autism and like many other autistic people my brain has a different (younger) developmental age than what you would expect with a normal non autistic person. I once spoke to my therapist that I was never sexually attracted to anyone ever, even at the age of 28 (back then, 33 now). I can look at someone and recognize that they are attractive but it doesn't set any physical or mental feeling in action. The therapist said it was because that part hadn't got far enough with development. She never mentioned asexuality or demi sexuality. I do have a sex drive, I do not want to reproduce and never have, I do not think sex is gross. I am pan romantic. My current relationship (of 7 years) is with a cis bisexual hetero-romantic man who is also autistic. My past long term relationship was with a trans woman. (4 years). I'm not sure where I fall on the scale or what label I should paste on myself, I do not think it matters. In one way I actually think it's an advantage that looking at attractive people does nothing to me, keeps a clear head. Edit for extra info; I've had serious romantic crushes (3 of them, 1 on a young woman my age I was living in the same dorm with, one on my trans woman ex, and one on my current partner.) Just like people describe a crush you get that butterflies in the stomach feeling and the crush is mainly in force at the beginning of the relationship although the feeling of butterflies may return when romantic stuff happens. I never acted on it with the young woman because she was in a relationship with a man. I was crazy about her, and she was rather fond of me too. She was the warmest, softest, most amazing woman I had ever met. Having a crush on someone is a sensitive state to be in. They can (and sometimes will) pull the wool over your eyes. Just like they say "love is blind". My ex was a manipulative and lying person with no back bone. Had me fooled and nearly everyone else as well afaik. I'm happy with my current partner and for the first time I think "I can and want to grow old with this person".
I agree that the label doesn't really matter, and it sounds like you have found a way to navigate the world that works for you. It does bother me when people say asexuals are "childlike" or just haven't "developed yet" because that is a misunderstanding, but many people (even therapists, and even sex therapists) are still unaware or under-educated about asexuality so I guess that is to be expected.
The therapist specialized in autism, so I suppose she linked my non existent sexual attraction to the developmental gap between the brain and the biological age of the body that is a symptom of autism. They gave me a questionnaire every 2 years and they used it to determine the mental developmental age, in my early twenties it was around 11 and late twenties (when i last did the questionnaire) it was around 13. I guess now at 33 I feel around 15. In my teens my body went through puberty and the hormones do have an effect on the brain so certain areas get more development than others. So if the questionnaire says "13" that's probably not exactly the same as a normal person of 13. It's just an average since different areas of my brain have different developmental ages. I get around the mental development gap by using my intellect and the training I received. There were group lessons to be more self sufficient, and there's also someone qualified who I have an appointment with every 2 weeks that I can ask questions to especially practical stuff like applying for jobs. I can run my household (cooking, cleaning, laundry, bookkeeping, paying bills etc) but social interactions remain difficult. I tend to be naive and stiff. Sometimes I make people uncomfortable by being blunt. I don't think the therapist really knew about asexuality. Perhaps she hadn't even heard of it, I think these are very unresearched fields that do not get much exposure in general. It is just like you say.
I totally get it. This is me. I’m 53 & just always thought I was defective ‘frigid’ straight woman. It’s only in recent years, since the LGBTQIA+ movement broadened & new language was identified that I finally discovered language that was meaningful to me. I have a partner & I adore him, but it doesn’t fit into the typical definition of attraction etc. I just feel really safe with him & I wouldn’t seek another relationship if he wasn’t around.
Thank you for explaining asexuality so clearly. I know a girl who identifies herself as such and I wasn’t exactly sure what it was all about, so this helps a lot! I love it, that you felt secure and safe to share this with your online community. We’re here for you. ❤️Happy Pride month!
I laughed at your " Special Snowflake " comment and had to quickly prevent myself from spewing forth the beverage in my mouth, Not in a Bad Way!! it was just funny and I love that moniker, I can relate to everything you're saying. I needed a smile today and you certainly helped. Thanks Snowflake for brightening my little dark corner of the universe
I went through a lot of these things when I was figuring things out for myself. Then when I read about Demi sexuality and asexuality it was like...oh! This is so me! Thank you for talking about this.
I think I needed this today. I'm still trying to figure myself out; though for a while I've known I fall somewhere on the ace spectrum, sometimes it just feels like a part of me that exists as static and not in the real world, like I should be broadcasting something more clearly and the static is just there making noise where there should be something else? Kind of like the part at the start where the audio and visual were glitchy! Lockdown has been wearing me down in more ways than one, so to have someone talk about this so clearly and matter of fact-ly (is that a word? Can't remember right now) helped ground me today, so thank you for that. I've watched some of your other uploads in passing, but this is the one that made me hit subscribe.
Gurl thank you, been bringing this up to my favorite queer creators to please bring us topics about our world now and personally how to walk thru it ❤❤❤ always your fan gurl, when I finish building my house we are throwing ball, your invited
Thanks for representing! I'm not ace, but I'm part of your extended queer family as a bisexual person. :) Having to explain to people that in fact, no, I don't want to have relations with everyone I meet is tedious. I find most people attractive, but I'm actually attracted TO very few people. Sometimes I wonder if I'm demi-bi.
I am late to the vid but am glad you made it. I am also glad that you made two proven scientific points: (1) sexuality, all types, are on a spectrum and (2) everyone is born with a chemical make-up in their brains that dictates were they fall on the spectrum (just the same as any other trait we are born with.) Although I am on the heterosexual side of the spectrum I studied this to get the "straight scoop" on certain of my loved ones (blood and friend) who are on other parts of the spectrum. It has never made any difference to me. People are people--i am more concerned with how they everyone and everything in this world.
Everything you said about sexuality makes complete sense to me. You did spark my curiosity when you talked about splitting romantic orientation (did I get that right?) From sexual orientation. That makes me want to learn more.
Yes many separate sexual attraction from other types of attraction, there is sexual, romantic, aesthetic, and other break downs. Hannah Witton makes great videos on sexuality and attraction, as well as others here online!
Loooooove your confidence... I absolutely hate the tropes that you've just not met the right person yet, or that you must've been traumatised at some point. Thank you for sharing this!!!
The second I saw this video in my sub box, my heart was filled with so much joy! I too am a vintage loving ace! You cover asexuality and what it's like to be a-spec beautifully in this video, will definitely be sharing this video with others to explain asexuality to help them understand what it is like. Thank you so much for making this video and I look forward to any potential future videos on this subject (but I look forward to all your videos so no pressure 💜)
I've heard of asexuality but never really understood the meaning. So pleased you shared with us all just what it means! I have learnt something new today, for that I thank you doll. You look stunning as usual, oh & errr, can I please have your hair? :-)) Always a joy! Xxx
Thank you Jo! It's easier to style my hair right now as it is so short! Perhaps I'll wear it straight soon so people can see this retro style is possible even with a shorter bob ;)
“ I am interested in people, as a concept”
What an absolute mood!
Same.
My son is Ace. I am totally accepting of it. Other family members using the same "oh you haven't found the right person's" reasons on him, I want to smack them. Let him be. Thanks for sharing your story. 💜
Thank you so much for this comment Wendy, your son is lucky to have a great and understanding mum!
LOL, worse still is I just found out a loved one is trans and I have been guilty of assuming things ... but in my defense , they never told me, and I would have been totally supportive. Of course now I know, but yah! From the other side, it kind of hurt because I knew there was something wrong, and they didn't trust me enough? Or maybe they were still working it out, I don't know, but I love them, and hope they will finally start finding happiness with self understanding :) !
Oh Wendy, so many of us would love to have a parent like you. There's still a bit of hope in this world, just a smidge. Thank you.
You perfectly described how having "a crush" while asexual is. I would look around at people who I spent a little bit of time with and say "they seem good enough" and say they were my crush.
My mom thought I was a lesbian for the longest time before I knew that there was a word for asexuality so I relate to this so much. Quiet queerness is the perfect phrase since I have found that the online Ace community to be pretty toxic at times so I typically don't get to talk about it much with anyone. I am so happy that this video exists. I swear, it's like looking into a mirror.
Thank you Chae! Almost any online community can be/seem toxic at times, the internet is both great and terrible at times. People have been joking with me that "I was just a lesbian and didn't know it" or was just "secretly gay" since I was a teenager, though not in a malicious way really, but I can still understand those sorts of comments.
This was a very nice video. I am an heretosexual woman, a feminist and an anarchist and my whole life, from everyone I hear that my interest ( I make garments, jewelry, bags, hats) about clothes contradicts anarchism and feminism, since it is because I want to attract men, which is not. So, I am very pleased to hear that a woman on the other side of the planet also spends a lot of personal time for creating an elegant appearence, and she definately does no do it for attracting erotic partners. I knew it all along: women have an inclination in finding and creating beauty just for themselves.😊.
Thank you! Yes I love fashion, and beautiful things, and make up, and things that are even considered "pin up", but never once have I invested time or money in these things for anyone but myself and my own enjoyment. I agree that it is incredibly strange that some people think others only spend time and care on themselves just to attract a partner, people like to look and feel nice for other reasons!
I feel better emotionally when I take care of myself physically. I'm 72 and still wear makeup and love earrings. I have no interest in attracting a partner. I love talking to interesting people but I truly value my alone time.
First thing I do on getting up is to apply my makeup and do my hair. Then people say - oh, are you going out? No. I just like to look my best. For me. Even if I'm digging potatoes or shovelling compost. When I pass a mirror, it makes me happy. Not to attract the bin man or our neighbour (twat), just for ME. I love the fact that Bianca always looks amazing, just to make herself happy. Good for her!
"I'm one of those special snowflakes you've heard so much about." How absolutely lovely!!
I find the phrase 'quiet queerness' resonates with me. I will tuck it into my life like a bookmark and gaze upon it whenever I open the pages of my sexuality for a little reading.
Stumbled across this completely randomly (well, not really cause I also sew) but... as an ace person... this is... just really, really comforting for me. Thank you for putting into words the things I struggle to say.
I'm so happy you shared this. This was a very well put together explanation of asexuality. Thank you
Thank you Tiffany!
I second that.
I love your channel and your talent. You are such a joy to watch! I know You Tube takes a lot of time!
While I’m not a part of the LGBTQ community, I very much appreciate you explaining what asexuality is. I guess part of me hopes you will be surprised at some point with a fulfilling and happy relationship. But I now understand that you are comfortable in your own skin and don’t “need” that to be happy. Did I get it right?
Hi! Thanks for this! It feels nice to not be alone. I do have a person (who also ids as ace) that is my... life partner? For lack of better words. We have long term plans to grow old together. But it’s really hard to get people to understand. When necessary we just use “girlfriends” but that has lead to my family to decide to refer to me as a lesbian. I have no problems with lesbians but misidentification is frustrating...
It’s also hard to explain I experience what I refer to as “aesthetic attraction” where I find someone really artistically appealing to look at... but I still have 0 desire to have sex with them. Sometimes I just refer to myself as queer to avoid questions. Especially since my gender identity isn’t... clear.
It’s difficult since people decide I must be confused when I do try to explain. But I am not confused about what I experience. I just lack the words. Imagine having to explain heterosexuality without the words.
I certainly think aesthetic attraction is a thing, I think people are pretty/handsome/"attractive" all the time but don't want to sleep with them. I also can relate to using queer as an easier to use identifier. Having a word that is a bit of a catch all like queer is really useful, which is why I am sad that some people are still against it being reclaimed but I understand the reasoning there. It is super hard to explain the lack of attraction, but I find that sexual people have a really hard time explaining to me what exactly sexual attraction feels like too, so it seems each "side" is in the same boat there!
TheClosetHistorian I think you’re right actually! I guess I am so used to it being seen as the “norm” I’ve never really asked the reverse! In the end I wonder if language can ever really convey a person’s experience of living.
Sometimes I wish that there was a less loaded term that didn’t have so much negative history. But for now it’s the only ‘catch all’ I know that is also widely well known and usually stops the questions.
Aesthetic attraction.. .thank you for giving me a term to use for what I experience.
"Quiet queerness" Yesss! That is such a good summary! (and with alliteration, no less!)
this video is such a damn mood, as an asexual. "that person has a nice face I guess"
Thank you for sharing this! There is sadly not a lot of ace representation out there, though it`s been getting better lately and not in the least thanks to awesome creators like you! I know it`s silly but high school was tough (same for many aces, I guess). I heard a lot from both my so-called school friends as well as bullies then that it`s not that I don`t want anyone, it`s just really no one would want me cos I`m fat and ugly and awkward and I know it. So even now (though I am a grown woman who has been romanticly attracted to both men and women and even dated some of them) I still catch myself sometimes on having these awful thoughts and seeing such beautiful and talented people like you coming out as ace means a lot to me. Thank you.
Thank you Alina
I’ve watched lots of your sewing videos and this one just popped up in my feed, even though it is old. Some of the comments here say people have been mean or the Ace community has been toxic, etc. There is just no place for meanness and I’m a bit appalled that a very small group of people having such private things in common would be mean to each other. thank you for being open and explaining things so nicely and even with a bit of humor. (I find humor in lots of your videos- you are just very subtle about it, and are very funny sometimes.) The only advice I would ever say is continue to be yourself and try not to ever let stupid mean people bother you. You are a beautiful and lovely person and you spend time making videos that help people, so sexuality is irrelevant. I hope you are happy and doing well this year!
I struggled alone for a long time without really understanding what ace was. I knew I wasn’t like “normal” people. But when I was younger there was no information. I spent my whole yearly adult life wanting to be like everyone else. I come from a very traditional family where I was expected to get married and have kids etc. it was hard. But last year I watched your video about it and something clicked and I knew I was ace. It’s a relief to finally know who you are and know your not broken, you were born this way and that’s okay. But it still scary sometimes. There is a lot of pressure from society to fit in. Some days I struggle to except I’m different and some days I am happy I am. It’s all a learning experience and it’s getting easier. Thank you xx
Thank you for sharing your experience with me
After feeling confused and out of place for so long I've come to the conclusion that I'm demisexual. I can enter a room and tell if there's someone I find attractive, but it doesn't mean I want or can act on it. Friends and family always tell me to relax and look around, that I'm just being shy, but while shyness is also part of who I am, I can't seem to be sexually involved unless I spend time and build a relationship with someone. I've been called a prude plenty of times, but I'm not hindered either by morality or religion, I don't see anything wrong in meeting a person and feel there and then that you desire them, it's just not me.
I don't know if it's different with same sex relationships, but my experience is that I almost never find someone who'll wait for me to be interested, it almost always ends up months later with an awkward conversation where I finally have some interest and the guy in question admits puzzled that he had no idea that I was interested in the first place, and that's because I really wasn't before. Long story short lots of single life, which I honestly don't mind. Thanks for this video! I have to say that it feels good to talk about it.
Thank you for sharing Stella, it does feel good to talk about it I agree! People always tell me I'm just afraid or shy too, and sure I am a bit shy-- but that doesn't bother me, it's not something I feel I need to change. I can really relate to what you say about not being prudish or hindered by any moral or religious constructs, I feel the same way.
It can be really hard to find people who are understanding and patient, but I have heard of people on the ace spectrum finding even "normal" sexual partners who love them for them and are understanding. It's odd that people aren't patient with demisexuals when the 'friends who later figure out they have feelings for one another' thing is so common, at least in media!
😂I'm shy too 😂lol that's my personality
I know I'm late to the party, but I only just got this video in my recommends. Thank you so much for posting this. It means a lot to me to see other people proud of their asexuality. It can feel really isolating figuring it out when you're younger and not knowing what an adult life looks like when you aren't dating or getting married. It's so, so reassuring to see someone like you happy and successful.
Also, "they have a nice face I guess" is an absolute mood. I straight up believed people when they told me I had a crush on someone bc they seemed to know more about how that stuff worked than I did
I may not know what crushes and sexual attraction feel like, but none of my friends ever seem able to exactly explain either 😂 Adult asexuality for me so far means never having to share dessert, always getting to watch the movie I want, nobody snoring next to me...I'd like to try the whole partnered thing someday maybe (I'm still a romantic little human 😅) but it's sorta nice knowing I am a whole and complete and interesting person all on my own!
Your point at 6:45 really hit home. I'm a bisexual trans man- I like people and I defy the normal idea of gender. I do things that would reasonably upset cis straight people. But getting mad at asexual or aromatic people makes no sense. Like??? They're mad because...you're not having sex? You're not intoanyone? What a strange hill to die on.
❤ People getting upset over how other people they don't know live their lives is just always weird, like it literally doesn't effect them /at all/? Humans are strange
I know this video is old but in the spirit of pride month coming up...I came out as Ace in 2020/2021 Honestly, realizing it was the most freeing thing and I felt like this huge weight was lifted off of me. I learned so much about myself and finally feel like 'me' and that there wasn't something 'wrong' with me. Thank you for sharing
Thanks for being so open. I am an older cis white woman married to a man for 26 years. I listen to people sharing their truth while noticing what comes up in my brain in response from my own inculturation. I love that you don’t consider this your problem.
thank you for sharing about yourself and about yet another facet of the beautiful and mysteriously complexity of being human!
I appreciate you sharing about this! It's true that Ace rep is not the most present so it always helps to know that you're not alone ☺️
People need to mind their own business! Let’s look out how we treat each other and honor each other. Thank you girl.
It can be a real blessing and allow you much greater control of your destiny!
I was so relieved when I discovered I was asexual and that there was an "official" label for how I am. Thank you for sharing your experience in a frank and open way. If someone wants to understand where I stand in the rainbow of sexuality, I'm playing them your video!
Thank you so much Tara! Some days I really like having a label and other days I disparage having to have one, but it can be useful when someone demands to know, as people so often do!
I didn't find out that such a thing as asexuality existed until I was in my late twenties, and even then it took a few years to apply the label to myself. I think my teenage years/early twenties would have been a lot less stressful, had I known about this. Less "What's wrong with me? I'm 22/25/27 and have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend". I'm much more settled in my own skin now, at 33, than back then.
So thank you for this video, visibility is SO important.
As soon as I found out asexuality was a 'thing' I was just like "ohhhh, yep". It is very irritating to be made to feel something is wrong, when in fact you may just be different and that is totally valid and fine :)
Thank you. I have never understood the word Asexual. Thank you for explaining it so well. My mother called one of my classmates a "funny girl"; however, she did get married but she never had any children. She is still the same person that I used to play games and work puzzles with when we were children (we are now old women). You are not alone. If you are happy and healthy, then you have a lot more than most married people have. I love watching your videos; because, you make beautiful garments and other items. Don't try to change yourself to please other people. I like you very much just the way you are.
Very interesting, Bianca, thanks for explaining the concept of asexuality., which is not my experience but we're all individuals and deserve respect. I wish you a happy pride month, and a happy life altogether. You are you, and it sounds as though you are comfortable with that now, which is fantastic x
So I've been watching your channel for ages. I absolutely love your costuming videos and rewatch them frequently. I'd never run across this particular video before, and I literally found it by accident tonight. And I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being so awesome and beautifully dressed and fabulous.
I'm ace. I went along with the sex thing for years because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. And I got my son out of it so I can live with the fact that I did something that made me feel gross for years - he's amazing and I'd never regret it. Still after I finally realized that it truly wasn't something that I needed or wanted in my life, I was so much happier.
But realizing that I never wanted to attract anyone sort of led to me constantly living in sweatpants for years on end (well, that and single parenting ayoung child and having no energy to doll myself up ever). There was this feeling of "why do I need to bother?" which ended up with me developing some kind of dysphoria to the point that I don't even recognise myself in photos.
Your channel, and the amazing things you make and your awesome makeup whenever you're in front of the camera has really been a huge inspiration to me to kind of get my shit together when in comes to my appearance - not in a conventionally "well-dressed" kind of way, things I actually like and not because I wanted to get someone to like me. Finding out that you're ace as well and you dress like that because YOU like it is just indescribably awesome somehow.
Sorry if this make no sense, if you actually see this random comment on a three year old video, but running across this made me really happy and I just wanted to try and put it into words.
Thank you for your kind words Kat ❤ I am very lucky that for the most part I have always just dressed for my own amusement yes. There were a few years in college where I really struggled with self esteem and didn't "let myself" wear vintage because I thought I didn't "deserve" it (whatever that means grr!) and also wouldn't let anyone take photos of me. So it hasn't always been smooth sailing for me, but I like surrounding myself with pretty things as much as I can and certainly feel clothes and make-up are a part of that fun!
Love that you were open and felt comfortable talking about this! Asexuality is definitely an under represented sexuality that more people need educated about.
A breath of fresh air, thank you for your honesty and intelligence. We live in a world where sex is literally in your face at every turn, and it makes me queasy with revolt and annoyance! Who needs a bleedin label anyway, we are what we are!
I originally found your channel thanks to my current sewing journey, but this video just popped up in my recommended list today, and I’m so glad it did. I just wanted to say thank you, as a fellow ace, for sharing your experience. It resonates so much with me. I truly appreciate you shedding some light on the reality that some of us are truly quietly queer. ❤
Jupp, as another ace person you described my experience perfectly! I totally didn't know people could be attracted to someone and want to do something about it. I am aware on a objective level that someone is attractive, but that doesn't do anything for me😄
Can i just say that i'm so happy right now?? I am asexual too and i subscribed to your videos a while ago because i love the vintage style and your videos are amazing, but this was a nice surprise haha Thank you for making such a good informative video on the subject and also for all of the awesome vintage content. Oh, and happy pride month!
Thank you so much Taina!
Thank you for making this video. I love your matter-of-fact delivery in all of your videos. I learned something new today!
I was already in love with your channel and now I discover you’re a fellow ace gurl! People find it confusing because I am married, and I always have to explain that being ace doesn’t mean you can’t experience romantic attraction and fall in love.
Thank you! Yeah people do have a hard time understanding, but I always have a hard time understanding what sexual attraction must actually feel like too, so I kinda get the disconnect I suppose. I certainly wouldn't mind falling in love/being married someday, though it is so nice to feel zero rush as so many of my peers seem to ha!
I applaud you! It is really rare for me to find people as attractive but I do from time to time.
thank you so much for posting!!! This is a great video that I'm definitely going to use in the future as I explain my own asexuality to others in my life!! Also what you said about arbitrarily picking a crush throughout your life is literally me, so thank you for helping me feel like I'm not alone!!
Thank you Shannon! It was when I heard people talking about crushes in the "I literally can't stop thinking about them, get really nervous around them, want them so badly can't stand it" sort of terms when I realized that I had just never felt that way before ;)
Giiiiirrrl! How awesome is this!? I just found your channel yesterday when researching everyday vintage style and then you post this video. I have been trying to learn a bit more about ace/aro identities, partly just to educate myself and partly because I think I might identify somewhere on that spectrum. I've been doing training and organising for my local Pride parade this week too (for a community group I'm involved with) and I think that's why I'm thinking about it more. My experience isn't quite like yours but it is so great to hear you talk about it. Happy Pride month!
Thank you! It's super cool that you are involved like that, and awesome that you try and seek out more information about different identities :)
Thanks for sharing! I'm demi and I feel like ace/demi people are usually expected to be androgynous so seeing someone traditionally (vintagely) feminine is awesome.
Thank you Heather! When I was younger I really struggled with/was-blinded-by the "but I'm so femme, so I could never be queer right?" stereotype. Gotta love that internalized nonsense!
Think you’re incredibly honest and you know who you are and that’s incredible...society labels people with terms and definitions and we don’t all fit in the same box. Had heard the term ‘asexual or pansexual’ however didn’t know what it meant. Glad to have a better understanding from a persons point of view. As a heterosexual woman, I feel attraction to men and honestly that can be frustrating at times. Especially if attracted to someone who is physically attractive to me but doesn’t have qualities that compliment me in a partner. That happened recently. Was fortunate I had the strength and didn’t fulfill a need with him lol. Not easy though. Your channel is lovely and I’ve learned a lot about vintage and vintage style from you. ☀️🌹
Looking forward to more videos about anything you’d like to post about. Wish you lived in Canada or I was close by to you so we could go for a tea/coffee together. You’d be a delight to chat with.
Hugs from Ontario 😄
Thank you Lisa! I do get a lot of people telling me I'm lucky when I tell them I'm ace because I don't have to deal with the "drama", and while sometimes I do think it would be nice to have a partner, dating and the often odd sexual politics of the world do sound really irritating to navigate!
okay why am i just seeing this video?
but thank you for this!
seeing queer people out and talking about their queerness is so important.
I'm bi (i describe my attraction as mostly women and nonbinary people and like 1 type of man) and somewhere on the ace spectrum (demi? greyace? the world may never know) so big solidarity!
Thank you so, so much for this video! The joy in finding a fellow aspec person in one of the loveliest corners of the internet can’t really be expressed with words ❤️
!!!!! wow i'm late to the party but happy to be here! with so little ace representation out there is rare to see an experience exactly like your own, even less with someone who shares the same hobby !!!!! any time i wished i had a date was just too have the occasion to dress up hahah like yeah i'm just interest in looking cute , i'm attracted to me being pretty that's it
My daughter is very quiet and unassuming, she is also bisexual and once she started to voice that and be open to everyone she seamed to fill with light regardless of the reaction of people. To thine own self be true. Thank you for the video it helped me to understand asexuality a little better.
I have been following you for several months now, and I had no idea you were Asexual! That’s awesome! I am a 34 y/o hetero-demi-romantic ace myself.
Ace QUEEN I feel so represented right now. I really appreciate you sharing this.
You explain asexuality so intelligently and completely....thank you! Ace here, too...
Ace solidarity high five! A friend sent me your channel as I'm barely beginning sewing and am falling down many vintage/historical clothing rabbit holes, and it was so refreshing to watch one of your more recent videos and hear you talk so casually about how you view relationships/how comfortable you feel on your own. I hope you have a lovely day!
Honestly apart from the social aspect, it sounds peaceful
Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us. I bet it was at least a little bit scary - it is the internet after all. I don't feel like I 'see you in a different light' like some people sometimes say. As a 'normie' myself, others sexuality has never been a big deal to me. You're Bianca, this is just a part of who you are, like wearing vintage and writing a book. But I can see in the comments that this connects to a lot of the audience, so kudos for making them feel less alone.
Thank you Olga! :)
So happy to see some representation of us asexuals in you! And it was a lovely video that I definitely wished I could have seen when I was still trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me even though nothing was wrong! Thank you for this!
Your description of how you don’t feel sexual attraction is exactly how I have always felt, but I have never been able to put it into words as well as that. Thank you so much for this video!
What a great and honest video! I have teenagers and my husband and I have noticed that they are so much more accepting of all people and appreciate differences than my era (graduated HS in ´87) did.. That is so refreshing and gives me hope in people. I’m so glad that more and more ‘people are sharing what makes them different. It’s the heart that counts and that’s what I taught my kids. Thanks for doing this. It’s so brave and wonderful. Lara Morrow (I flipped over to my thrift and flip channel)
Thank you Lara!
Thank you so much for talking about this. My teen daughter identifies as asexual and struggles with the misconceptions and ignorance of the general public. And as an overtly sexual woman (I enjoy sex for the sheer intimacy of it) I sometimes struggle with how to help her. I think it's so important that others discuss their own experience so that others know they are not alone. Thank you for being honest and brave....and yes, I plan on showing her this video.
Thank you Joy!
Bianca sometimes I feel im asexual too. However, I been sexually attracted to guys in the past so I dont know if that makes me a true asexual. I feel im more demisexual which means I can only see myself sleeping with someone I have a strong connection with which I never had. Im almost 26 and never had a relationship. I dont want to ever get married or have kids so I took a vow of celibacy. If i die a virgin, its not a big deal. I dont know why society thinks its a big deal to live a sexless life. Its not for everyone. Relationships are filled with drama so good thing for us, we dont have to deal with any games. I havent had a crush on anybody for about 3 years now. I see attractive men all the time, but have no desire to pursue anything. Just know your not alone. Asexuality is more common than we think. And theirs nothing wrong with it. Im so fed up with guys and their games that I choose to take myself out of the dating world. Im petrified of rejection. I gone thru it my whole life that I dont want to deal with it anymore. I identify with strait celibate. I lost all desire to have a relationship.
The dating world does sound very taxing! Sometimes it is best to just take a rest and let things fall where they may, and you're totally correct in that there is nothing wrong with being on the asexual spectrum or choosing to live a life without sex. Mainstream culture really makes it seems like sex is the best/most important thing/goal, but it just isn't for everyone!
TheClosetHistorian Unlike the olden days where a woman is expected to be modest and wait for her husband. Its completely opposite now where people even look at you weird if you havent lost your virginity by the time your 18. Much less 25. But I rather have my v card then knowing I was used by some jerk. I dont have a very high sex drive so I can live without sex. Sure I get urges, but not enough to act on them. I dont want any regrets in my life.
this video is more than 3 years old, but I am happy to have found it. I am asexual myself. Maybe a smidge of homoromantic (I mean, women have nice faces) or neptunicromantic (general slight romantic attraction to femme and androgynous people) but like...ace it is mostly. I've picked out crushes at random, be 'accused' of being a lesbian (which is shit in itself - I didn't like boys, so I must be gay, and that's baaaaadddd of course /s. I turn out to be gayish but the whole premise of 'wtf you must be a lesbian or what' is terrible) there's very little representation, the community is often toxic and like, obsessed with those ugly bland rings (???) and also, the representation there is aren't exactly conventionally attractive femme people who like looking good...for themselves, as self-respect.
I'm learning lots about LGBTQIA2S+ at the moment... and... it raises questions for me personally about stuff that I always took for granted... Thank you for sharing.
Bianca, you are lovely! Thank you for being authentic, perhaps it will help others as well!
Thank you Sara!
Agree 100%! Representation matters.
Straight people are so limiting. Everything tips their world views. I'm demi and actually thankful for it. It makes understanding what you do and don't want very clear and it's liberating :) Thank you for sharing!
Thank you. I'm demisexual and nobody in my life wants to understand it so having someone willing to talk about asexuality is nice.
As an enby ace thank you! A lot of my experiences have been very similar to this and it's taken me a long time to even consider that it's fine for me not to be interested in sexual relationships. It's the reason we need representation and people speaking honestly like this.
I didnt learn what Asexual was until I was 50. I have since learned that Im an aromantic Ace. I never dated (unless forced into a blind date). Glad to know another Ace out there!
This is wonderful and so helpful. I will definitely be sharing this with my fellow teachers and school staff. What a gift to share this! Thank you! Also, love your vintage projects. You are a force of nature!
Thank you Margaret!
This just popped up in my recommend. This year is the only time I’ve actually learned what it is. And discovered as well I’m pansexual
You sound like what I use to be. Not really attracted to anyone, and happy with my solo life. It all changed when I was 34 and found my soul mate. We've now been married for 26 . The most important thing is, be yourself. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for explaining this. I always just thought of myself as the intellectual type who was not into the dating scene. But when I look back, the only person I had enjoyed a physical relationship with was also my best friend and we were together until he died. Anyone else I've ever experienced physical intimacy with, even if they were attractive, never felt right. No satisfaction and eventually a break up. I'm fine now having no one to date or sleep with and never think about it. But I miss my best friend and always will.
I don't think I've heard it said better before. I may steal the line "I'm interested in people as a concept". I really don't understand why anyone would have a problem with anything you said today. Happy and safe pride month.
Oh and from what I hear you do have an ignore button for anyone who thinks that they get an opinion on how you should think and feel!
Thank you for opening your private life and sharing this topic. I have always been a a firm believer that descriptives don't matter when it comes to love. The soul is who you are attracted to, and souls don't read the labels. ☮️❤️😻
Oh thank you so much for putting this out there. So similar to my experience growing up. Have a crush on this person you know is unattainable to sound and feel 'normal' because you could give a rip less about attraction. Granted I have a husband and two children, but sexual attraction- yeah no.
Well said Bianca!! Be truthful to yourself!!!
You could sit with David Rose (Schitt’s Creek) and provide education to the masses on how diverse people really are. Thank you for being so open.
Thanks for this video, I'm glad you decided to put this out there for internet consumption! I could definitely relate to a lot of what you were saying. It's tough, I haven't identified as ace even though I've never been in a relationship or on a date with anyone or been motivated to seek this out. The few times I've been pursued by someone were really unsettling to me, like the guy was perfectly fine and my friends encouraged me to try going on a date and all I kept thinking was "I don't want this random guy to come take me away from my friends!" or in the case of being hit on, it's more that I don't feel anything and think "Why is this *stranger* touching me?" I have an atypical life in other ways so it does make me wonder if I was more socially engaged in general, I'd have come across some sort of relationship I want. I *still* ask myself if maybe I'm lesbian and don't realize it! I've definitely been glad for "queer" as an umbrella term because I've never found identifying to be very straightforward. It feels hard to be sure about the *lack* of something, even though I'm clearly not on the same page as most people. But also I can't help but think that maybe if asexuality was more accepted as a possible choice, it would be easier for me to say that's where I fit.
Thank you for sharing your experience Topazera. I too wonder if I just went out more and met more people more often, if I would perhaps finally find someone I would be attracted to, because I am a total homebody! I have also really been exploring that question (wait, am I just gay and don't know?) again over the last year because I still ask it too, and allowing myself to actually really investigate that more has lead me to a new understanding of myself. As you put it "It feels hard to be sure about the lack of something, even though I'm clearly not on the same page as most people." I totally agree too. Though while many people don't often know about asexuality, I still don't think of it as a choice either. I don't choose to never experience attraction, it's just how I am. I really need to make more videos on this topic!
What can be more essentialy queerness than slaying historic fashion so gracefully, I ask.
I laughed with this video. I'm apologizing now if it offends. But all I could think about your explanation was, why not me.. I don't know if it's hard on you, but damn if I don't wish I was born this way... you are awesome.
Honestly I wish I felt that way, relationships are to stressful. You are a regular person and never think otherwise. Be happy
As an ace person who doesn't understand why people want to bump uglies (I recognize pretty? But I don't understand wanting to take clothes off and get all up in their bits), THANK YOU FOR THIS.
Isn't it funny how we're all different, and even stranger how people can't accept differences? You are great, just you, no need for more :D
I've only recently started following you, and am slowly going through all your videos (one day i'm going to make a block, i swear!). So I just learned that you are ace!! As someone who is on the acespec, it made me super happy to see this video! thanks so much☺
When I first heard about asexuality it was in my late teens and because one of my friends was an asexual.
In my early twenties I learned my mother is one too. And she has never had any sex drive and thought sex was kind of gross and a hassle. If it were up to her she would never have sex. But I suppose she still did because of expectations.
She never had any urge to reproduce either, she had my brother and I because that's what society told her to do.
She never heard about asexuality though.
I'm technically on the scale where you have what is considered the norm on one end and asexuality on the other end.
I've got classic autism and like many other autistic people my brain has a different (younger) developmental age than what you would expect with a normal non autistic person.
I once spoke to my therapist that I was never sexually attracted to anyone ever, even at the age of 28 (back then, 33 now). I can look at someone and recognize that they are attractive but it doesn't set any physical or mental feeling in action.
The therapist said it was because that part hadn't got far enough with development. She never mentioned asexuality or demi sexuality.
I do have a sex drive, I do not want to reproduce and never have, I do not think sex is gross. I am pan romantic. My current relationship (of 7 years) is with a cis bisexual hetero-romantic man who is also autistic. My past long term relationship was with a trans woman. (4 years).
I'm not sure where I fall on the scale or what label I should paste on myself, I do not think it matters.
In one way I actually think it's an advantage that looking at attractive people does nothing to me, keeps a clear head.
Edit for extra info; I've had serious romantic crushes (3 of them, 1 on a young woman my age I was living in the same dorm with, one on my trans woman ex, and one on my current partner.)
Just like people describe a crush you get that butterflies in the stomach feeling and the crush is mainly in force at the beginning of the relationship although the feeling of butterflies may return when romantic stuff happens.
I never acted on it with the young woman because she was in a relationship with a man. I was crazy about her, and she was rather fond of me too. She was the warmest, softest, most amazing woman I had ever met.
Having a crush on someone is a sensitive state to be in. They can (and sometimes will) pull the wool over your eyes. Just like they say "love is blind".
My ex was a manipulative and lying person with no back bone. Had me fooled and nearly everyone else as well afaik.
I'm happy with my current partner and for the first time I think "I can and want to grow old with this person".
I agree that the label doesn't really matter, and it sounds like you have found a way to navigate the world that works for you. It does bother me when people say asexuals are "childlike" or just haven't "developed yet" because that is a misunderstanding, but many people (even therapists, and even sex therapists) are still unaware or under-educated about asexuality so I guess that is to be expected.
The therapist specialized in autism, so I suppose she linked my non existent sexual attraction to the developmental gap between the brain and the biological age of the body that is a symptom of autism.
They gave me a questionnaire every 2 years and they used it to determine the mental developmental age, in my early twenties it was around 11 and late twenties (when i last did the questionnaire) it was around 13.
I guess now at 33 I feel around 15.
In my teens my body went through puberty and the hormones do have an effect on the brain so certain areas get more development than others. So if the questionnaire says "13" that's probably not exactly the same as a normal person of 13. It's just an average since different areas of my brain have different developmental ages.
I get around the mental development gap by using my intellect and the training I received.
There were group lessons to be more self sufficient, and there's also someone qualified who I have an appointment with every 2 weeks that I can ask questions to especially practical stuff like applying for jobs.
I can run my household (cooking, cleaning, laundry, bookkeeping, paying bills etc) but social interactions remain difficult. I tend to be naive and stiff. Sometimes I make people uncomfortable by being blunt.
I don't think the therapist really knew about asexuality. Perhaps she hadn't even heard of it, I think these are very unresearched fields that do not get much exposure in general.
It is just like you say.
You are who you are, & as long as you are content - that's the great identifier. Thanks for sharing & continue to confidently enjoy your life!
Thank you Maureen!
Thank you for sharing and explaining. Most people just react out of ignorance!
I totally get it. This is me. I’m 53 & just always thought I was defective ‘frigid’ straight woman. It’s only in recent years, since the LGBTQIA+ movement broadened & new language was identified that I finally discovered language that was meaningful to me. I have a partner & I adore him, but it doesn’t fit into the typical definition of attraction etc. I just feel really safe with him & I wouldn’t seek another relationship if he wasn’t around.
Thank you for explaining asexuality so clearly. I know a girl who identifies herself as such and I wasn’t exactly sure what it was all about, so this helps a lot! I love it, that you felt secure and safe to share this with your online community. We’re here for you. ❤️Happy Pride month!
Thank you Christine!
THANK YOU! Great to hear you open up about this concept.
I laughed at your " Special Snowflake " comment and had to quickly prevent myself from spewing forth the beverage in my mouth, Not in a Bad Way!! it was just funny and I love that moniker, I can relate to everything you're saying. I needed a smile today and you certainly helped. Thanks Snowflake for brightening my little dark corner of the universe
Thank you Chloe!
I went through a lot of these things when I was figuring things out for myself. Then when I read about Demi sexuality and asexuality it was like...oh! This is so me! Thank you for talking about this.
I think I needed this today. I'm still trying to figure myself out; though for a while I've known I fall somewhere on the ace spectrum, sometimes it just feels like a part of me that exists as static and not in the real world, like I should be broadcasting something more clearly and the static is just there making noise where there should be something else? Kind of like the part at the start where the audio and visual were glitchy! Lockdown has been wearing me down in more ways than one, so to have someone talk about this so clearly and matter of fact-ly (is that a word? Can't remember right now) helped ground me today, so thank you for that. I've watched some of your other uploads in passing, but this is the one that made me hit subscribe.
I have been watching you for a while, and for whatever reason this video showed up on my main page. I am also Asexual. HUGS
wow ... thankyou so much for being so open. love you being a "special snowflake!" I have learnt something today , thanks to you x
This video took a lot of courage, well done, and well explained. Good on you!
Gurl thank you, been bringing this up to my favorite queer creators to please bring us topics about our world now and personally how to walk thru it ❤❤❤ always your fan gurl, when I finish building my house we are throwing ball, your invited
Thanks for representing! I'm not ace, but I'm part of your extended queer family as a bisexual person. :) Having to explain to people that in fact, no, I don't want to have relations with everyone I meet is tedious. I find most people attractive, but I'm actually attracted TO very few people. Sometimes I wonder if I'm demi-bi.
Thank you for sharing, I think that the idea of “finding the right one” is so overrated. We are perfect alone and it’s a beautiful thing.
I love your sense of humor in this presentation 😂 I like the way you speak. It makes sense you are a writer.
I am late to the vid but am glad you made it. I am also glad that you made two proven scientific points: (1) sexuality, all types, are on a spectrum and (2) everyone is born with a chemical make-up in their brains that dictates were they fall on the spectrum (just the same as any other trait we are born with.) Although I am on the heterosexual side of the spectrum I studied this to get the "straight scoop" on certain of my loved ones (blood and friend) who are on other parts of the spectrum. It has never made any difference to me. People are people--i am more concerned with how they everyone and everything in this world.
Everything you said about sexuality makes complete sense to me. You did spark my curiosity when you talked about splitting romantic orientation (did I get that right?) From sexual orientation. That makes me want to learn more.
Yes many separate sexual attraction from other types of attraction, there is sexual, romantic, aesthetic, and other break downs. Hannah Witton makes great videos on sexuality and attraction, as well as others here online!
Loooooove your confidence... I absolutely hate the tropes that you've just not met the right person yet, or that you must've been traumatised at some point. Thank you for sharing this!!!
Thank you Beatrice!
The second I saw this video in my sub box, my heart was filled with so much joy! I too am a vintage loving ace! You cover asexuality and what it's like to be a-spec beautifully in this video, will definitely be sharing this video with others to explain asexuality to help them understand what it is like. Thank you so much for making this video and I look forward to any potential future videos on this subject (but I look forward to all your videos so no pressure 💜)
Thank you so much! This means a lot to me to hear
I've heard of asexuality but never really understood the meaning. So pleased you shared with us all just what it means! I have learnt something new today, for that I thank you doll. You look stunning as usual, oh & errr, can I please have your hair? :-)) Always a joy! Xxx
Thank you Jo! It's easier to style my hair right now as it is so short! Perhaps I'll wear it straight soon so people can see this retro style is possible even with a shorter bob ;)