The Secret Skills Gap Between Men and Women: Chris Largent at TEDxWilmington 2013
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 ก.ย. 2013
- In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
What annoys me about this premise is that, once again, the burden of emotional baggage and relationship gate keeping is placed on women.
We are supposed to be equal partners. My job isn't to teach or change my husband; his job isn't to change.
Our job is to learn how to understand and love each other, as individuals.
"relationship gate keeping"
🙄
So, what's your job as a woman? Just curious.
I think she put it quite clearly. Personally for me everyone's job (for a man or woman), as a side in a relationship is to complement each other. If it's not ambidirectional, someone is suffering in that relationship.
Say what? He's blaming men.
@John Something You've nailed it. For the longest time I was completely subject to random instances of incongruence in credit/spending, drama, policies with the kids, contempt, you name it.. because she had a commodity that she was willing to withhold. I mean what was I going to do, not give her the money to pay for our house, food, etc? Money was my commodity and I was not in a position to withhold it. It all drove an enormous wedge between us, and somehow, only I seemed to care about what was happening to our marriage?? Then.. I started accepting remote job assignments.. and I found that the world is full of nice people that are good, refreshing (G-rated--thankfully marital infidelity isn't part of this story) company. It dawned on me that I was less lonely on the other side of the world than in my own home. A few years ago when I returned from the Middle East, she went to counseling with me then decided she'd had enough and graciously suggested I go alone. Talk about an imbalance. Before my most recent remote assignment, the pieces fell into place.. I identified, then spoke my truth about my basic needs that were unmet, and I simplified, oversimplified, reoversimplified my unmet needs: I told her--I just wanted her to be nice to me. And that the counseling wasn't helping because she wasn't doing any of the work, and that I now take these assignments as an escape. And while I still haven't changed the funding level, the commodity of "me" is now in play. And I've been forthright about the crossroads ahead. Now she's got to up her game. Control herself. Do some work on the relationship. She had a year of handling the stress of our household alone (plus the other "years" before that) to mull this over. And finally, she's connecting the dots between her behavior and my presence. Things are actually improving.
Alternative title for this TEDTalk: "I can fix him!"
My dad always got angry when I was sick as a child/teenager. He was a single parent though so I think he had quite a lot on his shoulders and didn’t really know how to cope after his wife (my mum) died. He has always been self sufficient but he does have a temper.
Time for me to make a video response. So many incorrect assumptions in this video.
Yea, this is rubbish. Maybe because I am not from that country, but it seems like bullshiet even so.
He starts with "Have you ever noticed that ....... when the wife and the kids get sick, the husband gets angry?" He then constructs his argument around that premise.
The problem is: I have never noticed this. In general, men get quite caring of their female partner if she is sick and protective and supportive of his children.
Largent's argument is therefore not worth listening to.
It is always more important to look at the (often unsaid) assumptions a speaker is making rather than just the words spoken. If you disagree with the assumptions and do not notice them, you may be carried along with the rhetoric.
In my case it was my mother who was angry at me when I was sick. I'm a women. My fatter told me he argued with her when she was like this
I'm quitting my mother's home tomorrow..
I have also never noticed this. His entire argument hinges on assumptions based on incomplete information.
I'm happy I don't live there anymore
I don't agree with the premise, but I did have women feel like they were my mother. I'm guessing that's a bad thing. So interesting nonetheless.
@@WilfriedAnonymo Maybe you're talking about a ''mother figure''. You meet a women and you feel like she could be your perfect mother compared to the mother you had.
And when I had feelings for a guy in the past, I dunno I just felt like his mother like I should take care of him and he would also take care of me. I felt like I adopted him.
A good start to useful change here.
Howevr, not only do women not want to teach men, men do not want to be taught by women. There are plenty of professionals who can teach these skills to men better than their partners. Suggesting that the women should teach the man will upset many many relationships.
Have the men go learn these skills from professional trainers, they'll have a much better time and so will the women. The men can come home with some expertise, their partners relieved of the duty of having to care for men in yet another way. Even with men doing some kind of professional relationship training , the women will still have a lot of work to do in terms of practice so that the men get to the stage of unconscious skill.
There's a long way to go to build peace between the genders, and this would be a start.
I agree. As a woman, I feel slightly resentful that a man doesn't already have these relationship skills and resentful that society tells me it's my job to fix this. And men feel very defensive about this issue, which we can clearly see from some of the comments here. It's interesting because the idea that women have a skill set that men don't have is threatening to them because of one simple notion: Femininity and everything which is identified as femininity (i.e. feelings) is shameful.
truerosie: Men have other skillsets. This has go in both directions. I only hear about the man having to please the woman.
How about her learning how men think, doing things he values?
If a woman even doesn't want to help a man for her own benefit, what worth is that partnership? If he really needs help she will let him go down?
amazing!! However, I don't think it's particularly unromantic to open up and either show your hidden vulnerability or hidden strengths to your bf or gf. I believe it's quite the opposite actually. Love is about accepting each other's strengths and weaknesses and love is an extremely healing and growing process. Also, I think the Relationship becomes more intimate and therefore more romantic in a personal way when both people open up to each other.
We don't think it's unromantic to be vulnerable because we are the what? 10%, 20% of the planet with high educational skills and constant concern of reducing that gap explained by him. The other 90%/80% of the population are, in the most diverse levels, still entangled in that patriarchal structure that demands men to practically being born knowing how "to be in charge", controlling instead of cooperating, while women are expected to simply comply ans play along (but exercise their cooperation skills to their best potential).
Daphne opening up to each other and showing your hidden vulnerability are some of the strengths that women do, and MOST men are not able to do, without learning how. So you're proving his point.
those who don't think it's unromantic are us women who are proud of emotions and vulnerability and sensitiveness, and perhaps most importantly, who are not troubled by big issues in life at least currently
when i told my partner of 10 yrs "it'd be really nice if you did some nice things for me, like rub my back to make me feel good or offer to do something like pick up dinner etc" when he asked why we don't have sex more often. I didn't feel appreciated, loved, or wanted. he said "But that makes me feel like i'm paying for sex". That's when i realized he equates a wife and a relationship to a women who takes care of everything including all his manly needs and doesn't expect anything in return at all. he doesn't want or need an emotional relationship at all. Kinda feel like he should of just gotten himself a mail order bride then or stayed single.
You are very selfish and a bit delusional. As a man, when i'm in a relationship i trade sex... for sex. i trade back-rubs for back-rubs. i trade dinners for dinners, emotions for emotions, favors for favors. all the things that i want, i give her in return. and we continue to trade, until she starts asking me to do nice things for her, and special rewards above and beyond our already agreed upon sex for sex arrangement. because at that point she is outright declaring that the sex she gives me is more valuable then the sex i give her, when in reality, she is older, less beautiful, less energetic and less novel; so the sex she is raising the price for, is in fact lower in value than it was when we first started with even trades.
she has arbitrarily raised the cost on an older, less valuable commodity. and that is when i realize that i dont want or need the emotional or physical relationship she is offering at the price she is demanding... i can always find a younger, hotter, less needy, less delusional woman... Or just pay for prostitutes and get a dog. (far better cost benefit ratio. )
So what you heard was "But that makes me feel like i'm paying for sex". what he obviously meant was. "The sex you are selling, is not worth paying for".
If you want him to buy what your selling; you should definitely stop raising the price. Because trust me; what you are selling, does not get better with age.
lol wtf did i just read
guymella Bruv u have a fucked up mind set. That's not how things work u make it so cold and calculated
You weren't embarrassed at all to post this? You should read your first and last sentence. They apply to you.
Didn't you guys even watch the video?
I know when I feel helpless it makes me angry. I also know after being married for 12 years, that communication has changed and gotten much better than in the 1st few years. We both work at it, and can each learn from each other. Maybe the speaker just chose a bad example to illustrate his talk. Communication can always get deeper, better, and make great improvements in relationships. Sometimes it feels like we don't speak the same language. He'll tell me a negative experience a man shared w/him at work. There are always follow-through statements missing. When I ask him why he didn't ask about this, or that, he says, It never came up." This is when I don't understand why he didn't ask these feeling questions, because I would. Different languages sometimes : ) Bless you all!
Why do most people take these things so personally. I know I'm not a great emotional being even though I'm a women I know I'm a little different because every person Is different. He is just talking about most women and most men. Don't take it personally because I find this funny and a little sad at the same time. Just try to understand what he is saying and learn something knew.
What is the research basis for any of this?
None I suspect.
Blunt assumptions no research.
These talks are damaging not helping.
Men become angry, when women and kids are sick? Never happened. The only thing that happens is they get stressed out and feel helpless. That's all! He has placed the audience into a situation and now he builds up on it. Manipulation at its worst.
Never? You don't argue against a generalization with a second generalization. It has happened. It happened to me.
@@aimeeparrott9204 Yeah, my mother told me that her first husband always got pissed off every time that she or either of my half-sisters would get sick. It was a major reason that she eventually divorced him.
I don't agree with his first point. Men who do get mad when their wife is sick are either worried (if it is a serious illness) or they are pissed because they have to do some of the duties she usually performs. Especially if a kid is sick also, as she will be focusing all her attention to her child, they are mad because they are supposed to be the center of attention, and she is not paying attention to him. Some men don't get mad, because they don't have that problem. They don't think they should always be the most important person in the household. We are just talking about the men that do get mad when their SO is ill. And it has nothing to do with them having to be perfect. Men are not expected to be perfect in their home-life, so it makes no sense for them to be mad about that. Women are supposed to be perfect, so maybe a certain type of man is mad because a sick wife cannot look and be perfect, even temporarily. But it is definitely not because a man feels he has to be perfect at home.
i agree with you, 100%
How do you know what a man "definitely feels like"?
True, some people are just assholes, and about half of them are men. I don't think he's talking about the clearly angry assholes, though.
I agree that men don't necessarily feel that they need to be perfect. Some do, but even then I don't think it's the main explanation. It's a lot simpler than that. They have no idea what to do. Because of their initial "incompetence" in various fields, both the man and the woman have fallen into the pattern of leaving some tasks almost exclusively to the other. If the distribution has been typical, then he doesn't simply have to perform a role that he's not used to, when the wife and kids gets sick. He has to step into it at a point when the pressure is extra high.
So, he doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know what it'll require, and he doesn't know how to fit it in with his other tasks and roles. 'Anger' is the wrong term. It's frustration, resulting from confusion.
If you want to prevent it, divide tasks and roles in a more flexible way, before the necessity arises. It may or may not make sense to specialize in a given relationship, but it never makes sense to specialize to the exclusion of other, basic skills.
THIS IS SOO TRUEEE!!
Not a bad talk, albeit too general. However, the part with the light beam and the angels in the end put me off a bit.
I did not get understand how to close this skill gap☹️
How can one forget the skills gap if we don’t know that there is one. I haven’t ever heard that before.
^That^ is how *WE* (not *one*) forgot.
Fabulous!! Thank you for sharing this! Chris is a wonderful speaker and author!
Lovely
No just putting men down again !
Is it all about perfection or maybe boys and men should be taught it is ok to talk about how they feel or if they have made a mistake. And that means communicating on a regular basis however that may look.
Men don't need to be fixed. Men and Women are very different.
Great talk. A subject that needs much more attention than it gets. And I agree with Daphné that opening up to each other can be very romantic, and also healing.
Thanks for sharing, true that I see the big importance of acknowledging the differences/brainwashing/stories/ideas/expectations/desires&dreams we both have of love- and I am sure the men have things to teach us as well! How great to learn form each other to create change and a world more full of loved, holy, and healed! I also am not sure we can generalize ALL men (though sometimes I think its safe to say...)
The key is true understanding from both sides. That's what both expect and need (for a good reason). Coming from a guy who had to learn this the hard way.
An argument doesn’t really stand up, when it’s based upon questionable assumptions you make at the beginning.
One might argue about the one "skill" men are "allowed" to have. I would argue it's the only language men are encouraged to use, but how the H* would this guy know the skill level at using it?
Also women always miss work if a child is sick, these days that means you can lose your job.
Ruth Barr Maybe in your circle. This is all assumptions & half baked cliches.
My EX husband is very mean to women that get sick. He did this to me and his girlfriend after me. Women are the ones who are expected to be perfect and must not ever get sick. 🥲
All of you who are debating over the statement he made at the outset , it was merely a deeper statement than what you actually perceive it to be. He was, I believe making reference to (*illness *, and getting angry,) because !! who can fix that situation except a doctor. Meaning he sees he can't fix it himself. Illness is also a scary situation to someone who perceives he has to fix it all. The person who is the head of a household feels he needs to fix everything !! right that is what he said . He knows too well if the doctors fail him, he is totally screwed in 'fixing' his family' . Please people it is so judgmental of a person, if you make statements like , "he is not worth listening to" . This guy definitely had something to say. It answered a question I have been wanting to find the answer to for a long time Duh ! yes really. I think it was an honest declaration . It explains to me why men have such shallow relationships , even their buddies. They have no developed relationship skills, mixed messages are passed , yes true even with their buddies.
Glad i live in Canada and don't think this way ... "have you ever notice when ... men ....." Americans
I do no agree with all that have been said by this professor. It portrays men as really primitive beens. I do believe that there are some points that are really interesting. In general women are more comfortable talking about feelings than men, we have always been given the space to do so with friends and family, we are no seen as week if we do. What it means to be a woman has changed over the last 50 years, we can be the caring mother and the strong bread owner of the relationship. Although inequality is still latent I don't consider my self a victim because then I'll become a victim. Maybe men could see feminism or just the changes on giving women the same chances then men have, as an opportunity to diversify their own roles in society, is could mean more physical and emotional freedom for them. Communicating more with honesty in a vulnerable way doesn't make anyone of us (men or women) weaker, but actually braver.
Oh dear... This was both very funny and very sad. And very true.
hey doc, did your wife teach you that ? :D
Please soneone explain what this skills gap is about cant seem to agree with this guy
It’s interesting how many of the women laugh when he criticises men and elevates women. I’m fine acknowledging differences between the sexes, it’s just so predictable how people approach these topics so as not to offend women, while being free to criticise men.
Janice Fiamengo said it perfectly when she said there is an ‘empathy gap’.
With all the negative comments you’d think there’d be more dislikes
He had a point? It was blurred into a aside at conclusion. I was shocked that his brother was treated so glibly.
Poor men, I want to help you gain more emotion skills by leaching you how to emotion. World will be full of angels soon!
Why did no one thougt about this earlier?
Wasn’t a bad Ted Talks but…there are a couple things this guy hasn’t taken into account. The picture hasn’t been painted. Just saying.
My ex got angry every time I got sick I use to think I was imagining it at the start but then it became undeniable the more serious the illness was being cancer when I could no longer just pull myself up to keep it all going !
But this just simply isn't true what he's saying.
Dude. The first thing het says is a Lie.
Men become angry when the wife gets sick.
And apparently a lot of viewers lap it up as truth
thijsjong Not really, most of the comments I’m seeing are calling him out.
My dad did… Every time my mother , I or my brother got sick. My father got angry and told us that we were just lazy. While when he got sick the world was ending.
Indistinguishable from stale standup.
Ooops... "Christopher Largent has taught university-level philosophy and comparative religion for more than 30 years."
Not really a realistic dude.
This is a spectacularly gynocentric lecture. It starts with, and never even considers the a priori assumption that her skills and needs come first, and he must to submit to her, learn from her, and serve her needs. This White Knight should just get to the back of the bus if the best he can do is assume everyone of his gender is as impotent as he is.
i think you missed the basic point that it was the guy's need for skills that needed to be taken seriously
fantastic useless teachers speaks about wage gap.
Cop out. Men can't only do one thing. False.
1 issue, the US isn't a patriarchy
Really? How do you figure that?
@@billiegrimm-stone3866 Because women are treated equally under the law, they have the same rights. They are able to run for office and have the ability to fill any role a man can do. Tell me how it is a patriarchy
Women actually have a few rights men don't, if anything
Hmm, maybe beer, fights and sports play a role? For me, I don't partake in that rubbish, but I get beat anyway. I'm a guy and I'm stereotyped to want to fight, but I don't want to. The stereotype is the reason for our lower braincell count.
Technically men have more braincells on average.
Next time, stick with the philosophy.
What an interesting display of strawmanning, pandering and ultimate intellectual impotence.
The solution doesn't lie in denigrating 50% of the equation. It requires working together with positive language that unifies both parties involved.
Me : Oh, another talk about gender, let's play it while scrolling to the comments to see if it's worth listening.
*hears "patriarchy"*
Me : Well nevermind, it's gonna be a load of bullcrap.
Turns out it was a load of bullcrap.
Frankly i dont get it. i have yet to find on remotely stimulating Ted Talks.. simply overrated drivel
Misleading rubbish. Men get angry when their wife and kids get sick? Thats a ridiculous premise and to assume its validity and go on to build on that premise is misleading at best. Ive met countless women who are unstable, disorganized and benefit greatly from a mans strength, conviction and courage. Its give and take, not a competition. God help us if men started acting like women
men... no ONE cares