I honestly don’t think all people pleasers are selfish I think some of them do it out of genuine niceness. Or some people don’t have a choice because people around them make them believe that if you don’t do that you are a disappointment or they use it as manipulation. I’m kind of a people pleaser myself and I’m trying to get out of it not because I think it’s selfish but because I don’t want people around to keep walking all over me.
Thank you for saying that. I felt like trash when I realized that I’m exactly like the video but at the end, all I want is for my family and friends to feel loved and cared about.
@@potapotapotapotapotapota "it hurts others " WHEREEE??? I'm always hurt and I mask it up to not upset the people I care about. people outside literally don't care or know about what I'm going through most of the time, where does "it hurts others" bcs this, what I'm doing doesn't hurt the people around me. THEY DON'T KNOW OR CARE. the only thing that is causing misery is quite literally nothing at all, bcs I don't tell anybody about my feelings. being a people pleaser is NOT BEING SELFISH.
My view is that everyone has or should have healthy selfishness. And one should not assume something direct negative behind everything. We all want to belong somewhere, respected and recognition... We should stop constantly suspecting, or even looking for manipulative, negative intentions in others. Caution is always good, but in moderation. Too much distrust leads us to radiate negativity ourselves and not deal well with fellow humans. However, I agree that it is unhealthy to seek too much recognition and to want to please EVERYONE.
That's interesting. I agree with this because it can be quite exhausting to think everyone's out to get you. I can say from experience that I look for negative intentions in EVERYONE. That being said, I try not to assume that what people say and do is them trying to hurt me, but you can very easily people please as a way to protect yourself, witch isn't good either. It keeps you from being yourself.
I totally agree with you, Sane. As you said, it’s all about balance. I believe that we all need to be recognized, appreciated, validated by our entourage, near or virtual. However, this need to be recognized and accepted must not end up crushing others. Also, another very relevant point that you raise is that we must also not fall into paranoia and see malignant intentions behind every act of generosity that our loved ones can lavish on us. Some individuals may have questionable motives towards us under the guise of generosity. But I think they’re a minority. It is important to believe in human goodness, otherwise we are doomed to cynicism and moral desolation. It’s a long and painful life, seeing potential enemies everywhere.
U hit the nail on the head people grow such a defense mechanism to manipulation and lying and criticism not realizing they do it themselves and all humans do ND there's no way we can't not do it. They key is having a balance.
Imagine working your a** off for many people, or being put in a difficult situation because you’re afraid to say no, then someone on the internet that’s supposed to help you calls you selfish.
I do this, in fact. I suffer from a trauma that has left me unable to think about my constant purpose in life to please others, and I will start to progressively panic more and more if I cannot please or make someone laugh while I converse with them. I commonly don't decline peoples offers solely for the reason to keep them happy and well satisfied, even when it costs my own self-esteem, and I'll also rarely try to show any genuine emotion other than positive ones for the purpose of keeping their happiness up, which is also why I never get angry or never dare to make other people angry with me. So infact yes, being told I'm selfish is a little bit of a stage of denial for me. I agree..
Yeah. I'm a people pleaser but I just really wanna make people pleased..and when i don't i might cry, very much. and think I'm a somebody, a terrible one..? i mean thats sometimes. thats happened like recently...
please understand, you can't just be 100% good or 100% bad, people are complex and being told that you're being selfish doesn't mean you're being so consciously, therefore isn't your fault, that AND being selfless is not to be applauded either
Not everyone has the luxury of just being their true authentic selves though. We live in a world where you're groomed to impress others. Taught from a young age that we should please our parents and our elders or our religion and so on. People who groomed us into people pleasers are the selfish ones. This feels like gaslighting to me.
@@LOLOsugoi maybe so, but not everyone has the resources, support, or even mental awareness to do that. Psych2Go is usually so good about validating victims of abuse, but they really missed the mark with this one
Problem with this video is that Not everyone who people pleases is because they want personal gain. Fear of abandonment, Fear of being Disliked, Fear of negative criticism or maybe due to abuse and trauma surely plays the most part to people pleasing. Maybe only a few exploit that for selfish purposes but not all so please Psych2go, this video will only teach the masses that People who do nice things are not trustworthy people as they are selfish. Due to your generally positive vibes that your channel puts out. Many people think it’s credible and therefore would buy it even when it’s a form of misinformation.
Didnt they state in the beginning of the video that its not the casual "people pleaser" but the Psychological classification of a people pleaser wich does this for his own gain and needs external validation etc...???? I have the feeling some people miss that in the comments... You can even google that very easy! Yet suddenly everyone lables themselfes as psychological classified people pleaser and feels pissed at for no reason... I thought of a people pleaser myself but I dont do these things...
@@DasHeino2010 That's even worse! The way they framed their title and thumbnail clearly made it out as "all people pleasers are selfish" just for the point of getting you to click on the video. Going back on that and saying "oh no it's only the bad kind!" after misleading your audience like that is just dumb I think. This channel is supposed to be about helping people figure themselves and their mental health out, not getting as many clicks as possible!
@@jordy9606 A lot of people might thing they are a people pleaser and want to know more about it so they click on the vid and discover that there is an actual people pleaser in the context of psychology that does mean things. Misleading is that people think they know what a people pleaser is and they even think they are one. But the context and definition will be disregarded by them.
@@DasHeino2010 If they want to know more about the actual psychology of it then this video would be good for them, I think. But my issue is still with the way the thumbnail and title portray the video. Rather than saying "reasons people pleasers are selfish" the title would be much better as something akin to "how toxic people pleasers can be selfish," and honestly the thumbnail really rubs me the wrong way in a manner that's hard to describe. It gives the audience a much better idea of what the video would be about and it would lead to less comments like the one we're talking under right now.
Imagine telling this to a people pleaser’s face. See what happens. They already struggle with their own self worth and feeling like they’re awful and to just tell them to their face that them doing this is selfish?? Imagine the impact that would have on them.
Thank you. My story but copied: I’m actually going to share a story. So this past week me and my friend are having arguments. She says something that comfort her is going to visit me. (It might not be human) Due to this everything I do I feel uncomfortable doing. And as a people pleaser I rlly don’t want to say something out of pocket. All I’m saying is that try to let go of people who don’t care for you. Because R (R=bestie) doesn’t realize that they are affecting my mental health. They also give me tons of stress almost everyday. So rlly that’s just my experience but I just wanted to share this.
IDK if it’s just me but knowing that I’m selfish makes me feel even more guilty than I already was. I always have this feeling that I’m disappointing others no matter what I do and I’m just a problem to them, so that’s why I’m pleasing others to try to be less of a problem. If I’m selfish the thing I’m trying to not be, that means I failed being a good friend like I’m failing everything in life.
Don’t listen to that video, they’ve gone quite brutal here. Being a people pleaser is a logic reaction when you grew up in a stressful environment, lived experiences that made you feel worthless, or past trauma you had with someone who tended to have excessive reactions when they didn’t got what they wanted from you. You feel like you can’t be loved by anyone, so you try twice harder in order to avoid conflict or being abandoned. It isn’t good for your personal development, but that doesn’t make you a bad person at all.
That's why this video is terrible Because a lot of people pleasers developed these problems due to trauma, and this video is putting them in a negative light. I was worried this would happen to some people
As someone with a lot of autism and adhd symptoms I've learned over the years that I very much am a people pleaser, but I think it comes more from doing things in life the "correct" way that I feel like I *have* to in order to be seen as equal by neurotypical peers. And my depression has me questioning all the time if I'm selfish for seeking the love and validation of others, so I often shut down in social situations and don't make friends out of the fear that I'll say something wrong that might hurt them, or that they'll struggle to *get* me. So I just sort of sit on my little island with the handful of friends I check in with every once in a while and focus on my life.
Honestly mood. The main reason why I'm a people pleaser is because when I was a child, all I ever heard was "No" or "you're doing it wrong". I was always a "failure" I could never fully understand what others wanted from me, and people often got very angry and frustrated by this, so they would always scold me for my mistakes. And after so many times of being faced with nothing but disapproval, you tend to grow a bit desperate for approval, and that desperation just grows over time. But it also kind of sets a wall between you and everyone else. I don't speak my mind, because I'm afraid that what I'll say might be wrong or might hurt someone. I analyze every situation to make sure I fully know what the right course of action is, because I'm afraid I'll just get it wrong again, so I always make the "safe choices." But because of this, there is always a safe distance between me and everyone else. I make sure everyone is happy and well, but no one really knows whether I'm happy or well.
I feel this so much since I'm the same way (personally ADHD + depression). I do often see myself as a "people pleaser" and as selfish for being one. This is probably my depression especially speaking out here, but often my main "motivations" for doing things for others aren't because I want to give to others but because I want to take away from myself. Of course, I do still care about the people close to me a ton, but sometimes I'll do something just because I feel like I deserve to have to. It's not like I do this stuff so that people will give something back or treat me like a god, but because a part of me that hates me wants me to suffer for others until I break. There is a difference and I am getting better at noticing when I'm not doing something for the right reasons, but this video was still really impactful for me in seeing that this isn't just something I do.
It's bcuz the autistic label they gave u is a cover up for them raising u to be weak and awkward, trust me drop that label forever and identify any weakness within u social skills, sensory skills whatever and work on enduring those things nd u will notice what u was taught was impossible or hard actually can be overcame and u can be Neuro typical even those bullshit labels nuero typical and nuero divergent are new founded crazy scientist bull crap. Don't fall into the trap , they are created to limit ur power they want u to be weak and powerless they are intimated by ur power and they seek to limit it and trick u into thinking it's limited, break free of those chains don't let another human being slap any self limiting label on u.
Extreme and prolonged loneliness or isolation can lead into turning a pleaser for the fear of losing the incredibly rare friends and romance opportunities but paradoxically that's also a good sign that you've at least rationalised the importance of socialization despite being unable to internalise and practice it naturally due to brain disorders (like ADHD) or a large number of mental disorders
this is 100% true i’ve battled with loneliness & self isolation my 16/17 yo years and it caused a major affect on my life . i would do anything for others to recognize me or just to build a connection and if people pleasing was the answer i aimed towards it i don’t think people pleasing makes someone selfish i think it’s a response of trauma and loneliness
0:56 it consumes u. 1:37 its mainly about helping urself. 2:38 u look for approval. 3:36 u start from a place of emptiness. 4:10 u take away the personal agency from others.
People pleasing from my experience comes from fear not selfishness. Especially if they grew up in an environment that is abusive and actively discourages you being yourself. And into adulthood it becomes an act of survival and there is nothing selfish about surviving in a world and a family system that damns you for trying to be you and hurts you over and over again. Its difficult to unlearn especially if they have been doing it for years. People pleasing sucks. Many do it because they feel like they have to and not for the sake of some grand evil scheme.
As a people pleaser with severe anxiety (yes, professionally diagnosed) I can say that this is NO WHERE NEAR correct. I do it because I want others to be happy, to keep crap of their sholders. I loose my sense of what happiness and replace it with anxiety just to make people happy. HOW THE HELL IS THAT SELFISH, PHYCH2GO?!
First time I am dissappointed in this channel. Not all people pleasers are fake, many acctually are just nice people ready to give everyone anything not from what you said a sense of selfishness so they can feel like heroes, but from a sense of duty and love and people swallow them whole and they even say thanks. This video can actually make some of those people feel bad. I have seen many good people, people who didn't realize that goodness has a limit. You come here and say it's selfish? Better start saying SOME and A FEW, not all people pleasers try to please themselves. Take time to rethink this one.
I agree completely with you. I consider myself a people pleaser due to showing love to others not to be fake, but selflessness to many. Sure it was formed out of many traumas I have experienced, but it helps me feel better as there is a lot unkindness in this world, and even smiling or other small acts of kindness gives me hope. This video definitely made me question myself and my personality and made me feel more inner hatred that does bubble up. Really unfortunate Psych2go to do that. I hope you have a great morning,day, evening wherever you are at, thanks for speaking your truth @ralunix.
@@IamNova_ Desc only says that being nice in general doesn’t make you selfish. It’s about being a people pleaser that’s being selfish but sometimes it’s not about personal gain that make people a pleaser but fear usually
If you do this then you should be disappointed in yourself? If you don't act like this then it's not about you! :D I think this video is just talking how it can make SOME people selfish! You guys seem kind so I don't think this video is talking about you! •^^•
I'm a teen who recently got diagnosed with ADHD and i have been a people pleaser my whole life. My reason for doing this comes from masking and my extremely fragile self esteem/confidence as a result of the ADHD; my way of fitting in with people around me and keeping myself pleased is keeping others happy, because im afraid of hurting my peers. I feel kind of alienated at the thought of saying anything remotely critical, harsh or brutally honest to anyone which is what has lead to me to be a people pleaser. I still establish basic boundaries and whenever I am uncomfortable but thats about as far as it goes, for other situations I only really think about other people's feelings. It is very spineless but it's not only how I've been raised to be like but also how I fit in.
You're not selfish for being a people pleaser. The people they're talking about in this video use the excuse of people pleasing to do whatever they want because "I'm just trying to help you." In general, actual people pleasers don't do that
Same, been 38 years undiagnosed ADHD I ended up retiring from society and embracing loneliness but still I was rationalising the importance of socialization so I ended up being a pleaser for the fear of losing the extremely rare friendship and romance opportunities but also because of a very low self esteem
As a people pleaser myself, it's a survival mechanism. Last weekend, I got pulled around wherever someone else wanted me to go, and shut down any desire I had for what I wanted to do. This weekend, I expressed to the same person my displeasure of being whipped around and left "on the shelf," while she was enjoying herself. Did I get any consideration? No. I got ripped a new one for expressing my feeling that I was being treated as nothing but a tool and that my desires are repeatedly ignored. It caused me more pain and trouble to speak up about how I felt than it did to just shut up and comply
First I want to congratulate you on standing up for yourself you did the right thing. Next I would like to say it’s is good to set boundaries and not do anything you do not want to do. It is important to put your wants and needs first and it is not selfish. The fact that your friend did not acknowledge the way you felt and only cared about her feelings is selfish and you should limit her access to you since she cannot respect you.
I disagree. I do things for people but don’t expect rewards. I’ve just ended up in unhealthy friendships where I put them before myself and they take advantage of that. I’ve ended up taking emotional abuse because I don’t want to hurt their feelings by standing up for myself
Same , and once I stood up for myself but I felt instant guilt and regret and told her that It was just a prank I don't know what kind of a person I am becoming!
yeah like is this not the definition of people pleasing?? like i know jackshit about psychology but i’m pretty sure their def of “people pleasing” is entirely wrong and yours is right, making this whole video v redundant and almost ignorant 🤞
Look. This channel has helped a lot of people. Everyone has their bad take once or twice. But this video is AWFUL and harmful. Being a people pleaser can be a result of trauma.
This video needs to be absorbed in context. It IS true that there can be selfish motives like the ones listed. However, there are some of us who are labeled "people-pleasers" when really we are kind, sensitive souls who genuinely do struggle to have the compassion on ourselves that we have for others. Some of us who are called "people-pleasers" don't want anything from others, not even praise. A lot of times, we are all willing to go to bat for those we love and receive no recognition for it. I think what most people don't like is when they do something nice for someone and there are self-serving motives assigned to them that aren't there. That is the most hurtful punch in the world.
Yeah this video didn't do a very good job at separating the kind of people pleaser they were talking about from the kind of people pleaser you're talking about.
I'm not a people pleaser because I want attention. I'm a people pleaser because I do my best to make everyone happy, at the expense of my own happiness.
Straight from google: “People pleasers tend to do anything possible to avoid conflict, even if it means turning into an entirely different person. Your worth depends on how others see you. People pleasers need validation from others to feel good about themselves. They can go to extremes to earn words of praise from others.”
@@dandan029 notice the person talked about their own experience, not the generalizing definition according to Google. Google also used words like "tend to" and "can," which is also subjective. So please quit invalidating this person just because you can, you don't know them
@@dandan029 I don't need the praise of others. Personally I hate myself and see no reason for others to like me. I simply give my all to make people happy, despite what it could cost me.
To me it seems less like "selfishness" and more like "anxiety" It's not always like 3 steps ahead, always wanting more, its fear, like you imagine the worst case scenario, and basically like your holding yourself to impossible expectations, and if you fail, if you accidentally hurt someone, you feel like an awful person Its awful, and its hard to let go of
Only people with an isolated view ever try to stop people from doing things, they do because they see no other way. But it must be fun, to think it´s selfish to please others, as if standing up for yourself isn´t dangerous in a toxic world. But as long as people can outpaint the abusers, it´s always the victims who are selfish or stupid to do, what they do. As if you want to be the "slave" of others.
Because people pleasers became this way because they lived in a toxic environment and with toxic people, does not mean they are not selfish at all either. And vice versa, it's not because deep down people pleasing comes from a place of selfishness that the others are not selfish, toxic, or even abusive.
@@LOLOsugoi Than you don´t mean people pleaser but people who do, what real people pleasers do, but not out of fear, but out of free will. So go on and match actions with character and call selfish people who act like people pleasers as the same kind of people. You don´t get and never will.
Just because people pleasers can be selfish to a certain extent doesn't mean it's destructive to others. I understand that people pleasers don't like the word "selfish", because the entire point is that they're trying to be selfless to a fault, but it is a viewpoint centered on oneself. I feel like the video should've been handled a little more delicately with that in mind. Anyway, I used to be a people pleaser when I was a child because of emotional abuse, so I understand where everyone's coming from although that mentality didn't follow me into adulthood so its not the same (I do still have some people pleaser tendencies, though, unfortunately, even if it doesn't take up my whole consciousness), but I also understand that in order to move forward you need to see the flaws in your philosophy. If you constantly think "I'm doing this selflessly for others, so it's okay if I'm a slave to their whims even if it's not what I want" then you'll never be able to get out. If you see people pleasing from other angles, it's easier to start poking holes in your logic so that you can move forward, like how devout religious people let go of their prejudices. It's good to realise that to some extent, you're being selfish. But you should also wonder, against whom are you being selfish to? To yourself, I think. You spend so much time thinking about how to abide by this toxic mentality, but the one you're being toxic to is yourself. I've tried so hard to talk to a people pleaser friend of mine, but every time I try to help and talk about how much this mindset is bad for them, they just end up talking in circles and we get nowhere because they don't want help. But they aren't living a fulfilling life because of this, they're just making themselves vulnerable to more abuse. You're being selfish to yourself, unable to move forward and take a better life with your own hands, and you've stuck yourself into a hole of wondering how best to make others like you. It's really saddening and frustrating. Edit: true depression is realising that this sort of message was not put across in this video in the slightest. Bruh. Okay, yeah, this video should've been handled better and scripted in a way that emphasised that the mentality of people pleasers is flawed and needs to be examined critically, not in a way that invalidates those people. Smh.
Someone who was supposed to help us people pleasers made half of us sad tbh some of us aren’t selfish we just don’t want to lose our friends and working hard to make others happy.And this video make us people pleaser guilty for no reason we are literally working hard for others and not for ourself half of the time most of us don’t want that much attention we just want to be helping and not lose any friends
Man... Recent life experiences and watching this video made me realize that i'm too far gone to have friends at this point. I need to work through all my trauma and fears if i ever want to build meaningful relationships with others. Building friendships requires caring about the other person as well, but i feel i can't do it right now. Sure, maybe it's the wrong people. Yet after watching this i see that i want everything to revolve around myself and only myself. I realize i don't care about others in my current state, just about if they can validate me or not. Granted, it's better than it used to be, but it's still there, i have a lot of work to do. If you've read up to this point, thank you so much. Have a good day, kind person
You're not selfish for needing validation, you're human and you have needs. If you're genuinely trying to do good and help people while still dealing with trauma, I think that's selfless, not selfish. As far as being surrounded by toxic people, you seek out what you're unconsciously familiar with -- that comes from a place of having been abused. You should not be shamed for that: the fault solely rests at your abusers' feet, not yours. (Honestly, I think Psych2Go really missed the mark with this video. It sounds like BS an abuser would say to make a kind person feel guilty because the abuser lacks that kindness and is envious as a result.)
the truth is most of the people you'll meet and make connections with will also have a lot of issues and trauma and things that they're working through/haven't worked through yet. it's okay to make friends and you can even help each other get through things.
@@sassylittleprophet Seems a misunderstanding is at play. Oh well, that's on me, i should have phrased it differently. I made it sound like this vid made me realize my life was a mistake, when in reality, it was something i was grappling with this whole day. Though you do have a good point that the vid made me feel even worse about myself As for the rest of your comment, i am genuinely thankful for your kind words. Genuinely raised my spirits and motivation. Refreshing to finally receive actual encouragement, instead of judgement. I found out that in the place i live in, accepting aspects of people works in a really... i'm not gonna sugarcoat it, batshit crazy way. When you show that part of yourself that people "don't accept", you're met with outward aggression, telling you they don't accept you. In theory... What's actually going on is that they don't dislike you, they actually may like you and enjoy your company, but it manifests in this bizarre way. Which applies to emotional support as well. Why am i telling this? Just to show why it's so nice to receive actual encouragement instead of judgement or passive aggression. It seems that many people in this shithole just... don't know healthy ways to support someone. And honestly, i'm deeply disturbed by this. I don't doubt there are people out there who are capable, wish i could find some of them. It's kinda depressing how most of my emotional support is relegated to my diary. That's a safe haven, and if not for it, i wouldn't have made even the slightest progress with recovering from my trauma. Once again, thank you for your kind words and listening to my story. May Lady Luck be with you
This video is talking about people who always think of themselves as nice, and so will constantly go out of their way to be publicly seen doing “nice” things to reinforce this idea of being the hero of everyone’s story, regardless of whether it’s actually needed. However, there’s a seemingly similar but fundamentally different kind of person who’s also known as a people pleaser, a category which I think I fall into, personally. This is someone who will put their own important needs aside at the drop of a hat, simply because someone else has a different preference or wants something that may not be as important. The second people pleaser may have experienced some childhood trauma, and will often tell themself that they’re a bad or selfish person where the first people pleaser will insist on being a great person. Ironically, while the video’s advice (to stop making everything about you so that other people have a chance to solve their own problems) is pretty good advice for the first people pleaser, it’s kind of the opposite of what the second needs to hear. And unfortunately, while the video tries to make a distinction between the two, it essentially does the bare minimum at the beginning of the video, and the borderline-clickbait title of the video certainly doesn’t help. If you think you’re the second people pleaser, you should remember that everyone’s needs matter, including yours. So if your needs are being ignored or forgotten, or if you’re too scared of rejection to even bring them up, ask yourself what you would say if you knew it was happening to someone else, and stand up for yourself. There’s a huge difference between being healthy and being selfish, and taking care of your own basic needs, or even occasionally doing what you want to do instead of what someone else wants, doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you’re being fair to everyone, including yourself. You’re a unique, awesome, special person who simply didn’t get enough recognition earlier in life, and it’s never too late to start recognizing yourself.
This actually made me tear up... I always thought that doing things in other people's favour is nice and doing what I want is selfish. I probably adapted this behaviour since I was little...maybe in order to get accepted. It is true that I fear rejection or being left by someone because maybe I wouldnt be good or fun enough anymore. But atleast I never did something "nice" and expected something in return afterwards...or atleast never intended to. This video kinda came at the right time.
dont listen to this video, its pretty stigmatizing...do what you want, but i wouldn't suggest using this video and the opinions within it as a blueprint for examining your own situation because everyone is different
So I'm selfish because I feel guilty if others aren't happy about me? Because I seek approval? But then if I'm not a people pleaser I'm a selfish jerk that only cares about myself? I can't win
This is a horrible video that should have NEVER been made. People pleasers are not selfish, they practically only think of other people and how they can be more convenient to them. I'm a people pleaser because of my GAD. Being annoying or hated is one of my worst nightmares. To say that I have ulterior motives is honestly a terrible thing to say. Most people become people pleasers due to disorders or trauma, and not just because they want something. Some people were forced to be people pleasers due to abuse or neglect. We are aware that the psych stands for psychology, which is why we expect you to be at least somewhat accurate, but this video just throws that out the window. If you really understood the psychology behind being a people pleaser, this video would not exist.
im honestly disappointed with this video spreading harmful misinformation. being a people pleaser is often a trauma response, not everyone has the luxury of being themselves. not everyone is allowed to be upset with someone in fear of abandonment. this video is just insensitive
Being too nice excessively will develop unrealistic expectations and consequences. It's good to say NO for once and start focusing on yourself. Whether you like it or not, not all people will like you but some people out there do!
I've been called a people pleaser, but I don't think I am. I hate conflict/ arguments, so I do my best to avoid them. Doing things to gain someone's favour doesn't really seem like me, either.
Timestamps 1). It consumes you leaving no room for anything else 0:54 2,). It's mainly about helping yourself and not about helping them 1:36 3). You look for approval and validation from others 2:36 4). You start from a place of emptiness 3:34 5). You take away the personal agency of others 4:09 Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
I’ve always been a people pleaser.. I never thought about it this way.. I really do care about people.. Not because of selfishness.. I guess being nice is considered selfish nowadays…
I demand an apology. People pleasing is often a trauma response and it's extremely insensitive to call it selfish. I thought that you of all people would understand. Please refrain from giving mental advice before doing something as horrible as this. No one is selfish for going though something that wasn't their fault.
I was a people pleaser cause of my family and if I didn’t… do the things I am supposed to do i.e. make them feel good about themselves or do deeds to make them feel comfortable, I would be scum of the earth or I was selfish. And I only ever people please when I know if I don’t I’ll get hurt. For me it’s really just a coping mechanism… but I guess I should change it, I don’t think I can handle being selfish or being called selfish. It’s a trauma induced word for me. Edit: And I don’t do it for approval I just do it from fear. My people pleasing wasn’t from emptiness it was from the trauma my family had given to me when I was a child. Neither do I think people owe me nor should they do something for me in return cause I helped them. I don’t know what type of person would do this but this is too…generalising to use for such a broad term. People pleasing isn’t just “selfishly doing it for yourself.” This is hurtful to watch as a people pleaser and I don’t agree with what you’re saying as though this is what all people pleasers do. Sure maybe some but it’s not just that. This was a really messed up thing to say Psych2go.
I'm sorry for what you had to go through. I think Psych2Go would agree though that what you did wasn't people-pleasing in the way she meant, you were coerced from a place of authority, not to mention as a minor. Being guilted into doing "nice" things for people is NOT the same as people-pleasing. But yes, if you now avoid conflict because of it it seems like something a therapist could help you work through as having boundaries and a sense of self-worth is one of the most important things in life to be content without being dependent on other people's opinion.
@@couchpotatoe91 thank you but, I’m not as guilt tripped as I was anymore and… I still people please. That’s the thing, I can’t change it, I have to be nice so they don’t hurt me. Because of my trauma I don’t have any care nor love for myself and that’s why I do things for other people even if I hurt myself. Being hurt by someone else is scarier than hurting myself and I have to be kind or I’ll be labelled as selfish. Being Selfish terrifies me more than death.
💯this is exactly me too. It has nothing to do with manipulating people to puff ourselves up, it’s because we were conditioned to put our abusers happiness before our own, and this was carried over into the rest of our lives even after the abuse ended. Psych2Go seriously dropped the ball on this one. What’s really troublesome is videos like this will help give cover to abusers and validate their accusations that it’s everyone else who is selfish and not them.
@@LeSaulePleurer It's not about being selfish, it's about choosing who enters your life. Believe me when I tell you that with this pleasing behavior, you're far, *far* more likely to attract those people who are selfish/abusive. And because of how absorbed you are with pleasing them you might not even realize or excuse their behavior because saying no would be a conflict. On the other hand, people with boundaries attract healthy relationships. Don't think people are dumb just because they don't call you out on your behavior. They realize when somebody is constantly nice to everyone. The big problem I've had with these kind of people personally is that they have often times have these extremely toxic people around them that leech off them. They're the kind that doesn't get any other friends because they're so self-absorbed, but the pleasers validate them and tell themselves that they can change them. Whenever I get to know a nice person that has these kind of people around them, I avoid them like the plague even if they themselves seem nice. I'm in a community where consent and boundaries are discussed frequently, so I know that most people without trauma do.
As a people pleaser this isn’t how I think at all, I’m just ‘too nice of a person’, won’t set boundaries and won’t say no kind of a people pleaser. I don’t do it because ‘I’m so nice for doing this’ I do it because ‘they’re happy with me :) and not upset!’ And because I hate upsetting people or letting them down-
I was once a people pleaser until a complete psychopath taught me a lesson to value myself more and walk away. Am I still a people pleaser? No. Doesn't mean I won't stop helping people who do needs help. There are genuinely nice people out there. The people pleaser , some, do recognize that it interfere their authentic self. I learned the hard way with this crazy ass psychopath and I really don't care who hated and for not damn reason at all wanted me dead. I will be genuinely nice and being myself.
As a people pleaser, this video makes me feel uncomfortable 😭 cause I don't think of myself as selfish. Edit:Reading the comments made me realize how much this video upsets me... I regret watching
I think there’s a lot of truth in this video, but you have to keep in mind that people pleasers often end up that way because of grooming and abuse. I think this video could have done a better job validating that instead of just saying “This is your problem, now fix it.” Especially since people pleasers are very sensitive to criticism, you have to be gentle with your message if you want to actually help them change their behavior.
If you want to you can make everything people do seem selfish. You want to give money to homeless people? Well you are only doing that to feel good about yourself now aren't you? How about we stop twisting people's good intentions and simply appreciate it?
This video makes no sense.... I never felt good about myself even if I made someone else's life easier. I usually watch your video but this one is hurtful. Most of us were abused or traumatized. I had therapy after I starved myself to let my friend buy what she wanted and tried to unalive myself when my mother was disappointed in me. Psychologist said it was from child abuse I went through. I please others to avoid conflicts which triggers anxiety and fear even if I have to take the blame for something I didn't do to stop others from fighting. Calling us "selfish" is going overboard.
This video feels incorrect in so many ways. I also generally feel that 'people pleaser' in itself is an incorrect terminology being used all over. More than 'people pleasing' it is an inability to believe that the REAL YOU is being noticed. Trying to fit into certain ways is just an attempt to belong somewhere. 'How do I act so they view me in good light' - the sentence itself gives us an idea, that the person is wanting to be heard, noticed, looked out for. I don't think 'people pleasing' is a choice it's an outcome of a void, an outcome of lack of sense of belonging. It is fine if no one agrees with the statements above but it is just an opinion. Not looking for debates here. Thanks.
I think titling the video something along the lines of “signs that your people-pleasing may be selfish”, and going along with that theme, instead of coming off in a manner that implies all people-pleasers have selfish motives and reasons for their actions may improve this video
I'm a people pleaser because of my primary school experience. This is trauma based. I put other people's needs before mine because I spent 6 YEARS doing that. Being a people pleaser doesn't always mean your selfish. So when this so telling me that I'm selfish because I'm a people pleaser, it makes it seem that all my trauma didn't happen or didn't exist. Yes it doesn't completely mean that, but it's still harmful. Being a people pleaser can lead to years of therapy and it's actually not healthy if it's extreme. Mines only a little bit and I have boundaries, but it can get worse. I'm still a people pleaser to this day and have been for 11 years now. Being a people pleaser doesn't make you selfish.
The video didn't clarify very well but the tipe of people pleaser that they are referring to is the one who does the nice things for validation and or attention. This are still victims of trauma, but most people talking in the comments are not really people pleasers in the context of the video like if ur generally nice to people u are not a people pleaser, a people pleaser does nice things for their own self gain not for just helping the person, they need constant validation so they buy random shit for no aparent reason, they chose for people that never asked, they constantly wonder what other people think of them(like to an obsessive amount). At least that's what I thought from the experiences with my mom
This video gave me one more reason to hate myself. I'm already broken by the past and dealing with low self-esteem and fear of rejection, so I guess it's true that I'm selfish and need to work on it so I don't live centered only on myself. The people around me deserve better. But I don't know, I'm afraid to hurt my loved ones and make them happy no matter what, it's what makes me happy.
The video has poorly defined the line between people pleaser, like probably yourself and people who do it with conscious and/or second intentions. It seems to me that they failed in making that contrast. Don't feel bad yourself if you're genuine!
This video imo has done a horrible job of describing people pleasing and as a people pleaser I agree it's something to work on but i would not categorize it as selfish and definitely not something to hate yourself for
I'm super surprised at the response of this vid lowkey I don't think people in these comments even understand the MEANING of the word "selfish" selfishness is not inherently a bad thing at all, at least i don't think so (as a people pleaser myself) it is in our nature to get defensive at a word like that, like, how DARE you think that i care about myself? but it's the truth. a lot of us are selfish and this video is just correct. it highlights the dangers of people-pleasing. it DOES sabatoge your relationships. we need to learn to be assertive, genuinley "but it's a trauma response!" i have also had trauma that influenced my people-pleasing tendencies. does that suddenly erase how damaging it is? no. that should be a given fear of abandonment, etc. ARE selfish fears. we all struggle with them though
This can be a very harmful viewpoint. I am autistic and suffered from emotional neglect/abuse, supervision neglect, and I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. While it can be said that I act the way I do out of selfishness, it's how I was taught to act to make the people around me happy. I don't do it because I want anything in return, or even that it makes me happy to do, but I had to act that way to survive and I feel that if I stop, I will be hurt. I do it out of fear, not for my own gain. It is one of my trauma responses from continuous neglect and abuse during the most influential years of my life. Don't make this kind of blanket statement, it can harm more than it can help.
Im a people pleaser sometimes and this is upsetting and harmful for people as this is a trauma response. I have abandonment issues and wanting people to care for me because I felt uncared for all my life. And that I feel the need to make others happy. So if this video is telling people and stigmatizing a trauma response is something to be selfish with then I’m massively disappointed in you as the channel itself. If you really care, please make videos that are more appropriate in the future and it be best to probably remove the video and address this as an apology in a different posts. If you really care about us fans and viewers.
This video is very insensitive. (Coming from a people pleaser) a lot of this is wrong completely. Most people that are people pleasers don’t want anything in return all they want is their friend or family member to be okay. We aren’t selfish. Why does wanting to help people make you selfish.
I see what they were trying to do with this video, telling people the harm people pleasing can do. But I honestly don't think they did a good job in acknowledging the reason why we people-please. They didn't really say anything about the trauma that started it all and I'm pretty sure that that's why this video upset so many people in the comments. But at the same time, I think we need to reflect and consider the reasons why and how people pleasing can actually be selfish. I'm 22 and I've been a people pleaser my whole life. It's gotten so bad to the point where I recently discovered that I literally don't know who I am. I don't really know who I am because I've never really been real with people, let alone myself. I've only done things for people or said things I felt they wanted to hear so that they don't hate me or think I'm boring, even if that means neglecting myself and my own needs. But recently, even before this video was uploaded (as in literally just a few months ago), I realized that in a way, people pleasing is kind of selfish. 1)Yes, youre thinking of ways to make the other person happy, but youre thinking of ways to make them happy.... to keep them from hating you. Theres a difference between doing something nice for others just because, without expecting any praise or anything in return, and doing something nice to prevent them from being disappointed in you. 2) Yes, youre telling them what they want to hear or showing them what you think they want to see so they can be happy, but youre also keeping something from them... your true self and your true opinions and feelings. AND YES believe me I know very well why we hide our true selves from people. Anytime we tried to express ourselves in any way, it'd be shut down and criticized and eventually we never felt safe to just be ourselves and we quickly learn by mistake that our feelings don't matter and we only exist to make others happy. But coming from a person who jeopardized a few friendships by bottling up my true feelings, only for them to explode in the faces of people I love and create an even bigger distance between us, it is NOT the way to go. Even the mere thought of expressing who I really am is absolutely terrifying, but I'd rather work on getting through that than continuing to please people and end up bitter with no one to love later in my life. One more reason/example of why people pleasing is kinda selfish: A while ago I also discovered that even though I have good intentions, they can only get me so far. Sometimes I have a tendency to overpromise and underdeliver. I tell people I'm gonna do something and I underdeliver and end up disappointing people anyway after realizing that what I want to do and what I can do don't line up. In that instance, I'm not only not being real with others, but I'm especially not being real with myself. I'm trying so hard to get people to like me that I'm not taking into consideration all the things I'm able and unable to do. I apologize for this absolute novel of a comment but, what I'm trying to say is that 1) I feel like psych 2 go could have done a better job at acknowledging the trauma that causes us to please others and making people pleasers look less villain-like and maybe changing the title so it feels less insensitive to others and 2) despite this, yes people pleasers can be unknowingly, sometimes knowingly selfish, BUT it doesn't mean we're bad people. Our hearts are coming from a good place, whether it's making others happy or protecting ourselves. It's just that we need to work on doing these things in a healthy way. Yeah we have flaws and trauma/trauma responses and bad habits, but that doesn't make us bad overall and it doesn't mean we'll never be able to be better people, especially for ourselves.
I feel like this video is making people pleasing look a tiny bit narcissistic. Which is definitely not the case in my opinion. I can't really speak for everyone, but as a people pleaser, I have never had ulterior motives of wanting people to rely on me for my own "ulterior motives" nor have I expected praise for things. I feel like people pleasing is more of a general lack of self worth rather than a "hurting others to give myself some self worth" type of thing. Like I personally don't do things for people to be praised, I do it for approval, because I need to know if what I'm doing is "ok" or acceptable, and if it's not then that must mean it's harmful, so I should never do it again, I need validation to know I'm not being a bad person, because otherwise I don't know if I'm accidentally hurting someone or doing something wrong. I want people to rely on me so that I can be useful, because otherwise I feel like a waste of space, I don't want anyone to owe me something nor get a good reaction out of someone, I just want to prove to myself that I *can be* useful. As far as I know, people pleasing most of the times comes from a need to prove your worth to others and to yourself by constantly serving others. It may come from neglect, or extremely high expectations, or a feeling of constant failure, etc. So it's not really selfish per say, it's more of a coping mechanism, it's getting your own self-worth from other people because for whatever reason other people have either established that this is where your self worth *should* come from, or because they have stripped you of any self-worth you ever had to begin with. Those are the most common causes that I've seen at least. But it also could come from a deep fear of others, it's like being faced with someone that seemingly has power over you (even if they don't) so you try to please them so they won't get mad at you or discard you.
I honestly don't believe anything we do is truly selfless. The only difference being people that do things purely to benefit themself and sometimes at the expense of others which are acts we despise versus acts that are often said to be selfless are just mutually beneficial acts in disguise.
I think the idea of selflessness as mutually benefical acts seems more accurate than perhaps the more idealistic idea of selflessness purely as giving. Like you said, nothing is truly selfless, but if the selfishness is balanced out it could be considered "selfless."
Hard disagree, simply based on the proposed version of "selfishness" this video speaks on. Selfish behavior is that which benefits you BUT ALSO harms another person. Most of the examples in this video do not exhibit this quality. Doing a nice thing that benefits another person and also yourself is not "selfish", just as much as doing a nice thing that benefits someone else but not yourself isn't selfish either. People pleasing is usually a compulsion driven by fear, it is a constant NEED to please others, with heavy negative emotional side effects. This video is seemingly confusing people pleasing with like love bombing or something inherently malicious
I thought people pleasers were “doormats”, “yes men”, and mainly caused by anxiety or trauma or both. Doesnt it do the pleaser more harm than to others? I’d like a video on how to be more assertive instead.
I think a lot of people misunderstood this video, they're not saying all people pleasers are selfish, they're saying that there are negative aspects to being a certain kind of people pleaser that can be toxic/detrimental to good mental health. We all know people who seem nice but their niceness comes with a cost, and many people pleasers neglect themselves in order to make others happy and that's not healthy either. Those are just a couple examples, re-watch the video again and I think you'll see it differently.
Probably wasn’t a good idea to title the video “3 reasons why being a people pleaser is selfish.” Apparently, a lot of people who became people pleasers after constantly getting accused of being selfish earlier in life are getting messed up pretty bad because they think this video is talking about them.
Sometimes we need time to understand and hang around people who make us feel awesome without having to do anything for them. It's crucial to enjoy our happiness and don’t feel guilty for it.👍
No one always does things with the holiest intention, they are trying their best to survive and build good relationships with others! They need to be loved and feel secure. And the truth is, you are valuable and loved no matter who you are or what your mental condition is!
This is the first time i have had to dislike a phych2go video been watching them for a long time fear causes me to agree to things that i do not want do and the other person doesn't get hurt there getting what they want done for free im the one who ends up losing its always the people the knows im afraid to say no i suffer from depression and severe anxiety i keep hoping to get stronger.
This is not a good video at all, I am in a very toxic situation right now and I can’t get out of it due to me being a people pleaser and I’m “SELFISH”? Yeah, that’s totally something I needed to hear to change my mental state for the better.
I call myself a people pleaser and seeing this video made me upset as I just don't want people to hate me, I try to make people happy without thinking about me at all... I wouldn't call myself selfish, I ask things about people and if they need anything. Hell one time my friend had heatstroke and I ran to their house to help without permission. I got in trouble but I didn't care because my friend was okay.
So me doing all these extracurriculars to make my parents and peers happy is selfish. I just began realizing doing things people want of me isn’t the best for my mental health, and right now I don’t know where to go in life, I was just blindly following what people told me to do.
I think people are misunderstanding that people pleasing is being kind and generous for the sake of wanting something in return rather than being honest and transparent. It’s passive aggressive and when the people pleaser is inevitably disappointed or feels taken advantage of (because the other person can just bulldoze their boundaries) then they usually will lash out or punish them beyond what is suitable to fit the wrongdoing. You’re essentially expecting others to read your mind and act how you think they should because you think you can read others’ mind. It IS selfish and manipulative-which isn’t intrinsically a bad thing or makes someone a bad person, but there are healthier and more effective ways to express and receive what you want/need.
It's amazing seeing people pleasers in the comments defend this behaviour just because it stems from trauma, last I remember so does avoidance yet it be the same anxious people with their people pleasing behaviours that shit on them the most. So where is the empathy that you ask of others for others who also suffer from trauma. I remember Patrick, a psychologist here on TH-cam once said, " Our trauma hinder us from seeing humanity in others" and this has never been more true. Anxiously attached people are the people pleasers of our society oftentimes, and they often demand that people empathize with all their toxic traits, control, manipulation, people pleasing, codependency, boundary violations, excessive jealousy, frantic behaviours from their moods, excessive need for validation and admiration. Yet shit on anyone with an Avoidant attachment. At this point, I'm doing inner work to ensure I never ever everrrr have to love such a selfish being. And the crazy part is they're always the victims, ALWAYS.
Through most of my youth I've struggled with being a people pleaser, having RSD and struggling to move on from negative thoughts due to being higly sensitive. Even when I was able to genuinly and unexpectedly help someone the right way, I still find myself wanting to be a people pleaser again and it sucks cuz idk how to get rid of this cycle! I just wanna see the ppl I love being happy together and free from their issues, but I'm not even a part of their lives.
You're not selfish for wanting to make others happy, even if you have RSD. If you are genuine when helping people, then you're doing it for them, not for yourself. You're not selfish
@@sassylittleprophet Yeah but the thing is I wish I could help them with so much of it but it's something they should figure out themselves. The "I WAS THE ONE THAT HELPED THEM" kind of way that just doesn't feel quite right...
@@imaymellow it's NOT right. They're framing it like *"I* was the one who helped them" rather than "I'm glad I was able to help them," which is an entirely different motivation. Most of the time I think, people DO genuinely want to help people, just because. It's a shame that even Psych2Go can't understand that
@@sassylittleprophet No but that can happen as well! Trust me, i've felt both of these things. They're different, but they can both happen. In fact it only felt genuine once for me because of how I spent most of my years trying help ppl for the wrong reasons and it NEVER worked.
@@imaymellow oh I'm sure, I've felt it before too. I just don't want this video to gaslight you into thinking you're a bad person, because you're not, or into questioning whether or not you have ulterior motives every time you feel the urge to help someone. I honestly think a lot of people just want to help and don't think much of it at all, no motive other than wanting to help someone. If that's you, you're not selfish, you're literally not thinking of yourself. Also, of course helping people makes you feel good...that doesn't mean you're being selfish for wanting to help people for them and you. I just- this video brought up and mixed up a lot of shit for me (and others by the sound of it) and I'm trying to untangle it all in my head.
Wtf? This is so untrue… this one is totally weird! I am a people pleaser and it has nothing to do with wanting anything for it… like in my life, I take care of my 2 sick parents, my schizophrenic brother, 2 year old daughter.. I’m 5th down on the list. I skip meals and showers. I do everyone’s laundry and dishes. If anyone ever asks me for help, I say yeah… I’m not selfish at all. I have $22 to my name and just bought my dad a burger… he could have paid, but I offered… just to try and be sweet… He didn’t even say thanks. Lol. 😅
i actually am surprised, this is the first video i’ve seen of yours i disagree with. i don’t get offended by stuff easily, & im very VERY self aware of everything i do/say/am. But people pleasing is a trauma response for most people. i am a people pleaser & have been for a long time & that’s because i had to be the “golden child”. my mother was a narcissist & my older sister was a LOT to deal with. we were raised by our grandparents & so i constantly did things to make them happy & not ever say how i was really feeling bc they were already so stressed with the rest of my family’s problems. Not to mention quite a few of the people in my family have always made me feel like my opinions & feelings do not matter. that i am not allowed to say no, and if i do i’m guilt tripped and called a terrible person. i people please to avoid conflict, because i have been surrounded by toxic individuals my. entire. life. maybe in a way it is a bit selfish for me to people please, because i’m trying to reserve my sanity & my energy because i am constantly being thrown into the lake anytime i say the word no or stick up for myself. so thanks
That's an oddly judgmental title imo, a lot of people pleasers are that way because of their past trauma and/or fear of getting hurt. Just wanted to say, the choice of words could be a bit damaging for some, but I'm no expert of course
@@_madame_sene Uhm. Ok. You could've been a bit more specific or detailed with your criticism of my comment otherwise you just come across as rude not gonna lie (not saying you are but I'm just saying it kinda sounds insulting when you don't even explain why I'm wrong sorry)
honestly, i really enjoyed this video and it made me feel understood, so when i opened the comments i was surprised. but reading more of them and thinking of how my people pleasing friend would respond, i understood the other side of things as well. i myself use to be a really bad people pleaser, i say bad because i was constantly giving up my own self worth to fill up other people's just so im not alone. until i grew out of it and realized i do have self worth and it is important. i made a friend, who is essentially, a people pleaser. and i love her and she is amazing, but ever since being friends with her ive felt like she was there but was never really there, like it just felt like she was just trying to figure out whats the most best positive response. but i don't want a sugar coat, i just want the funny realistic gal i know she can be as i see it in her with our other friends. which i don't want to use against her as entirely but i did wish she could understand she can just breath with me, especially since she people pleases with everyone and knows it and is basically publicly proud about it. although that’s not the thing that bothers me the most tho, the thing that bothers me the most is that she always posts stuff about how she loves when someone gives all their attention to her, or when someone invites her on a last minute adventure, or when someone posts about her on their social media, etc etc. its always "i like this i like that i want that", and never "what does the other person like", you know it would also be nice to be thought in a similar way too. i always give a call, but never get a call back. and i don’t want to sound like im doing these things to get something in return, no. i genuinely do care about her and want to hear from her, but if i don’t call or message her then we would probably never speak again. and her excuse is "im scared to reach out because i feel like im bothering them". literally the other day i overheard her and her other friend talking and her friend was saying how she realizes that she always reaches out to her but my friend is never reaching out to her. and her response was "im trying". anyway.. what im trying to say is that this comforted me as a person with a people pleasing friend, rather than actually being the people pleaser
I thought people pleasers were empaths? You have to remember that a lot of people have been brought up to treat others with kindness. I am very disappointed in this.
Maybe don't go by statistics on this topic, people pleasing is in a way to look for validation yes. But most of the time it's really just to look out for someone else or just be there for someone, the world is brutal as is.
Psych2Go, as much as I like your content, I didn’t really like this video. I read a lot of the comments in this comment section, and I can agree with what they’re saying about your video. I, like many others, thought that your video was really triggering. Coming from a people pleaser myself, as soon as I read the title, I got really triggered, along with many others. I want to make it clear that not all people pleasers are selfish or do it for attention. We try so hard to make other people happy because we’re afraid of saying no. But this video portrays us as villains, who do this for attention or other selfish reasons. We are already going through enough so calling them selfish is really triggering. I struggle with self-esteem issues, so your video really rubbed me the wrong way.s makes me even more mad is that your channel is literally supposed to be helping people so I don’t know why you would upload a video like this. Very disappointed… If you see this, please remove the video…
I ended up becoming a people pleaser because it felt it was the only way, whenever I would ask for help with how bad my mental health was it would actually start fights, people would get very angry at me for “making them live an abnormal life with my requests” I want to point out that it is NEVER unreasonable to ask someone to quit doing something that is harmful to you, and if they refuse, simply exit stage left, they aren’t worth it
That angler fish analogy was insane. To paint people pleasers as some kind of monstrous species that draws people in to then suck out their validation is messed up. And that thumbnail is quite misleading. People pleasers are traumatized individuals that use pleasing as a defense mechanism. The last thing they'd do is use pleasing for sinister reasons. I mean seriously? But having said that, I am not trying to say that people pleasing is a good thing or even a harmless thing because someone does inevitably get hurt and it is the pleaser themselves. There are no doubt people pleasers that seek validation in their pleasing- of course. After all it is a trauma response, but others may do it to avoid being hurt in any way or to keep anyone else from getting their feelings hurt or all of the above. All in all people pleasers tend to please others or try to please others at quite the extreme expense of themselves and their own needs. I can see people pleasing being considered selfish if you consider someone pleasing for the purpose of receiving self validation or to avoid getting hurt in some way, but even then, that's not quite the proper use of the word selfish. Maybe it would be if the person is using pleasing to gain something at the expense of the other person but then would that even be people pleasing? Now don't get me wrong, I am not advocating for people pleasing because it is damaging to whoever practices it, it is unhealthy and it leads one to believe other people's reactions and emotions are within your control and/or your responsibility when the truth is the utter opposite. You should know that people pleasing doesn't guarantee that you will be liked. It does not guarantee that you will be safe, and it ONLY harms you in the end. It can make you seem disingenuous and fake. If you are constantly sacrificing yourself, others can find it exhausting to ne around you, and it is ultimately unfair to you to feel the need to constantly be a kind of foot stool for others. People pleasing can be selfish but a people pleaser is not inherently a selfish person for people pleasing. You can people please for selfish reasons but that does not make you yourself selfish, it just means that you are misguided in your need for validation and safety. If you are a people pleaser that does not make you a bad person and you deserve to be free from your fear. You deserve to feel like you can put yourself first. You deserve to know that you do not deserve nor need to sacrifice anything of yourself for anyone. I think the description of the video and the message at the end of this video is what should have been expressed in the video instead of this "people pleasers are actually diabolical" nonsense.
I think this is something that we have all been guilty of at least once in our lives but brining it to our attention is why I love this channel. I always feel like I finish a video more self aware and informed ❤
For once i'm disappointed in this channel. People pleasing is not, and has never been selfish. People pleasing is quite literally the *opposite* of selfish. I'm a people pleaser and I have not once thought about pleasing others for my own gain. People pleasers do it for *other* peoples gain. They may subconsciously have themselves in mind, but it's not in a "selfish" way. It's built off of fear and anxiety, not about self-gain or gratification. Yes, people pleasing is not a good thing and shouldn't be treated as such. It's often a trauma response or a way to deal with or cope with certain mental disorders. But people pleasing is not selfish, and while some people might people please for selfish reasons, making a large generalization like this is damaging and harmful.
*I have read the description btw, please don’t tell me to read it* I don’t usually comment on these videos, i will try my best to phrase it well. This feels off, pysch2go usually doesn’t post stuff like this. I don’t really have a big understanding but this feels kijda harmful.. Also this was postsd at a bad time. Was called selfosh earlier today. I have anxiety and autism, despite this i try my best, fricking up in wchool for god knows why. I just don’t understand this. I help others because it makes *them* happy. Not because it makes me happy.
This is a bordering on victim blaming. You guys might have missed the mark with this one. It doesn’t do what’s described in the description box either. There’s no information in the video about how to set boundaries or be more assertive. The video just says “you’re a people pleaser because you’re selfish.”
Remember when psych2go used to empower victims of abuse and actively worked to justify behaviors like people pleasing as a valid response to emotional neglect? Not sure when we decided to just start shaming victims for the coping mechanisms YOU ALL referred to as trauma responses in your previous videos, but go off i guess. Edit: This video has some valid points that are absolutely worth discussing, i just hate the click baity set up of it all. You completely self undermine the truth of this video with the needlessly inflammatory language displayed in the title.
Pschyc2go I never had a problem with a video of yours until now. I'm a people pleaser and it sucks, always being worried you'll be replaced if you can't help someone, feeling like they don't fully care about you, putting them above your mental health. It's not being selfish, tons of people who are people pleasers do this cause they're scared thet they'll be selfish, we want to help but anxiety is what makes us carful about what we say, we want to help them but it's a constant battle about what can i do to show them I care so they don't get rid of me, what can I do so that I can learn to depend on them if needed. Even with my best friends I can't say no to them cause I'm scared they'll not want to be friends. So no, we're not selfish, we're anxious and need to be told how we can try to learn to stand up for our selves and stuff like this video doesn't help, it makes us feel worse. Sorry if this doesn't make to much sense I'm going off of me experience and it's also late when I'm typing this. Thanks for listening to my rant.
We posted an OG video previously, did you see it?
Yep
yep
Yeah, it was amazing and I related most of them
Yo!
Yes
Feeling everyone is thinking about you negatively is not selfish, that's called anxiety disorder.
I honestly don’t think all people pleasers are selfish I think some of them do it out of genuine niceness. Or some people don’t have a choice because people around them make them believe that if you don’t do that you are a disappointment or they use it as manipulation.
I’m kind of a people pleaser myself and I’m trying to get out of it not because I think it’s selfish but because I don’t want people around to keep walking all over me.
You're not selfish for helping people, but YES, boundaries are a must! 👍
You are not selfish but being a people pleasure hampers your peace of mind so just be a little self aware from next time.
@@Godzilla-y5r im aware of the fact that im a people pleaser but i just cant help but be nice :| bro i just hate the fact that i feel that way...
Thank you for saying that.
I felt like trash when I realized that I’m exactly like the video but at the end, all I want is for my family and friends to feel loved and cared about.
A
People pleasing is often a trauma response and it's very insensitive to make it sound like they're selfish
i completely agree, i am just so disappointed in this channel for uploading this harmful video
Why not both? People pleasing may have come about by childhood abuse but it still hurts others and causes misery in your relationships.
100% agree! That video is AWFUL!
no bcs like fr what are they thinking while making this video likeee
@@potapotapotapotapotapota "it hurts others " WHEREEE??? I'm always hurt and I mask it up to not upset the people I care about. people outside literally don't care or know about what I'm going through most of the time, where does "it hurts others" bcs this, what I'm doing doesn't hurt the people around me. THEY DON'T KNOW OR CARE. the only thing that is causing misery is quite literally nothing at all, bcs I don't tell anybody about my feelings. being a people pleaser is NOT BEING SELFISH.
My view is that everyone has or should have healthy selfishness. And one should not assume something direct negative behind everything. We all want to belong somewhere, respected and recognition... We should stop constantly suspecting, or even looking for manipulative, negative intentions in others. Caution is always good, but in moderation. Too much distrust leads us to radiate negativity ourselves and not deal well with fellow humans. However, I agree that it is unhealthy to seek too much recognition and to want to please EVERYONE.
That's interesting.
I agree with this because it can be quite exhausting to think everyone's out to get you.
I can say from experience that I look for negative intentions in EVERYONE. That being said, I try not to assume that what people say and do is them trying to hurt me, but you can very easily people please as a way to protect yourself, witch isn't good either.
It keeps you from being yourself.
I totally agree with you, Sane. As you said, it’s all about balance. I believe that we all need to be recognized, appreciated, validated by our entourage, near or virtual. However, this need to be recognized and accepted must not end up crushing others.
Also, another very relevant point that you raise is that we must also not fall into paranoia and see malignant intentions behind every act of generosity that our loved ones can lavish on us. Some individuals may have questionable motives towards us under the guise of generosity. But I think they’re a minority.
It is important to believe in human goodness, otherwise we are doomed to cynicism and moral desolation. It’s a long and painful life, seeing potential enemies everywhere.
U hit the nail on the head people grow such a defense mechanism to manipulation and lying and criticism not realizing they do it themselves and all humans do ND there's no way we can't not do it. They key is having a balance.
But nothing exists which is not manipulative and negative and we have ruined the world as well
@@lakshyavarshney9942 but it’s our job to fix it. And it’s your job not to give up on anyone or anything.
Imagine working your a** off for many people, or being put in a difficult situation because you’re afraid to say no, then someone on the internet that’s supposed to help you calls you selfish.
I do this, in fact. I suffer from a trauma that has left me unable to think about my constant purpose in life to please others, and I will start to progressively panic more and more if I cannot please or make someone laugh while I converse with them. I commonly don't decline peoples offers solely for the reason to keep them happy and well satisfied, even when it costs my own self-esteem, and I'll also rarely try to show any genuine emotion other than positive ones for the purpose of keeping their happiness up, which is also why I never get angry or never dare to make other people angry with me.
So infact yes, being told I'm selfish is a little bit of a stage of denial for me. I agree..
They definitely could've worded it better but then you wouldn't have clicked. I'm a people pleaser btw.
@@rapidcreations4980same here ;-;
Yeah. I'm a people pleaser but I just really wanna make people pleased..and when i don't i might cry, very much. and think I'm a somebody, a terrible one..? i mean thats sometimes. thats happened like recently...
please understand, you can't just be 100% good or 100% bad, people are complex and being told that you're being selfish doesn't mean you're being so consciously, therefore isn't your fault, that AND being selfless is not to be applauded either
Not everyone has the luxury of just being their true authentic selves though. We live in a world where you're groomed to impress others. Taught from a young age that we should please our parents and our elders or our religion and so on. People who groomed us into people pleasers are the selfish ones. This feels like gaslighting to me.
it is. I hate this video
It 1000% is
It is. But now it's our responsibility to stop being pleasers and move away from all this toxicity
@@LOLOsugoi maybe so, but not everyone has the resources, support, or even mental awareness to do that. Psych2Go is usually so good about validating victims of abuse, but they really missed the mark with this one
@@LOLOsugoi how do you do that at school
Problem with this video is that Not everyone who people pleases is because they want personal gain. Fear of abandonment, Fear of being Disliked, Fear of negative criticism or maybe due to abuse and trauma surely plays the most part to people pleasing. Maybe only a few exploit that for selfish purposes but not all so please Psych2go, this video will only teach the masses that People who do nice things are not trustworthy people as they are selfish. Due to your generally positive vibes that your channel puts out. Many people think it’s credible and therefore would buy it even when it’s a form of misinformation.
Didnt they state in the beginning of the video that its not the casual "people pleaser" but the Psychological classification of a people pleaser wich does this for his own gain and needs external validation etc...????
I have the feeling some people miss that in the comments...
You can even google that very easy! Yet suddenly everyone lables themselfes as psychological classified people pleaser and feels pissed at for no reason...
I thought of a people pleaser myself but I dont do these things...
I believe there is a fine line there, but i am not really sure
@@DasHeino2010 That's even worse! The way they framed their title and thumbnail clearly made it out as "all people pleasers are selfish" just for the point of getting you to click on the video. Going back on that and saying "oh no it's only the bad kind!" after misleading your audience like that is just dumb I think. This channel is supposed to be about helping people figure themselves and their mental health out, not getting as many clicks as possible!
@@jordy9606 A lot of people might thing they are a people pleaser and want to know more about it so they click on the vid and discover that there is an actual people pleaser in the context of psychology that does mean things. Misleading is that people think they know what a people pleaser is and they even think they are one. But the context and definition will be disregarded by them.
@@DasHeino2010 If they want to know more about the actual psychology of it then this video would be good for them, I think. But my issue is still with the way the thumbnail and title portray the video. Rather than saying "reasons people pleasers are selfish" the title would be much better as something akin to "how toxic people pleasers can be selfish," and honestly the thumbnail really rubs me the wrong way in a manner that's hard to describe. It gives the audience a much better idea of what the video would be about and it would lead to less comments like the one we're talking under right now.
Imagine telling this to a people pleaser’s face. See what happens. They already struggle with their own self worth and feeling like they’re awful and to just tell them to their face that them doing this is selfish?? Imagine the impact that would have on them.
you're selfish
To be honest, it might be more damaging than helping.
Thank you. My story but copied: I’m actually going to share a story. So this past week me and my friend are having arguments. She says something that comfort her is going to visit me. (It might not be human) Due to this everything I do I feel uncomfortable doing. And as a people pleaser I rlly don’t want to say something out of pocket. All I’m saying is that try to let go of people who don’t care for you. Because R (R=bestie) doesn’t realize that they are affecting my mental health. They also give me tons of stress almost everyday. So rlly that’s just my experience but I just wanted to share this.
I'd say this is something you tell to them if they've healed enough and developed enough self respect
@@Kevin-it4fh I suppose that’s fair.
IDK if it’s just me but knowing that I’m selfish makes me feel even more guilty than I already was. I always have this feeling that I’m disappointing others no matter what I do and I’m just a problem to them, so that’s why I’m pleasing others to try to be less of a problem. If I’m selfish the thing I’m trying to not be, that means I failed being a good friend like I’m failing everything in life.
Don’t listen to that video, they’ve gone quite brutal here. Being a people pleaser is a logic reaction when you grew up in a stressful environment, lived experiences that made you feel worthless, or past trauma you had with someone who tended to have excessive reactions when they didn’t got what they wanted from you. You feel like you can’t be loved by anyone, so you try twice harder in order to avoid conflict or being abandoned. It isn’t good for your personal development, but that doesn’t make you a bad person at all.
This is exactly what I feared this video will do to some people. Strangely out of character for this channel, really
You aren’t selfish
That's why this video is terrible
Because a lot of people pleasers developed these problems due to trauma, and this video is putting them in a negative light.
I was worried this would happen to some people
Being selfish isn't bad.
As someone with a lot of autism and adhd symptoms I've learned over the years that I very much am a people pleaser, but I think it comes more from doing things in life the "correct" way that I feel like I *have* to in order to be seen as equal by neurotypical peers.
And my depression has me questioning all the time if I'm selfish for seeking the love and validation of others, so I often shut down in social situations and don't make friends out of the fear that I'll say something wrong that might hurt them, or that they'll struggle to *get* me. So I just sort of sit on my little island with the handful of friends I check in with every once in a while and focus on my life.
Honestly mood. The main reason why I'm a people pleaser is because when I was a child, all I ever heard was "No" or "you're doing it wrong". I was always a "failure" I could never fully understand what others wanted from me, and people often got very angry and frustrated by this, so they would always scold me for my mistakes.
And after so many times of being faced with nothing but disapproval, you tend to grow a bit desperate for approval, and that desperation just grows over time.
But it also kind of sets a wall between you and everyone else. I don't speak my mind, because I'm afraid that what I'll say might be wrong or might hurt someone. I analyze every situation to make sure I fully know what the right course of action is, because I'm afraid I'll just get it wrong again, so I always make the "safe choices."
But because of this, there is always a safe distance between me and everyone else. I make sure everyone is happy and well, but no one really knows whether I'm happy or well.
I feel this so much since I'm the same way (personally ADHD + depression). I do often see myself as a "people pleaser" and as selfish for being one. This is probably my depression especially speaking out here, but often my main "motivations" for doing things for others aren't because I want to give to others but because I want to take away from myself. Of course, I do still care about the people close to me a ton, but sometimes I'll do something just because I feel like I deserve to have to. It's not like I do this stuff so that people will give something back or treat me like a god, but because a part of me that hates me wants me to suffer for others until I break. There is a difference and I am getting better at noticing when I'm not doing something for the right reasons, but this video was still really impactful for me in seeing that this isn't just something I do.
Wow, I never expected to read something that's so similiar to myself, the only difference is that I don't question myself, I'm fully sure
THIS
It's bcuz the autistic label they gave u is a cover up for them raising u to be weak and awkward, trust me drop that label forever and identify any weakness within u social skills, sensory skills whatever and work on enduring those things nd u will notice what u was taught was impossible or hard actually can be overcame and u can be Neuro typical even those bullshit labels nuero typical and nuero divergent are new founded crazy scientist bull crap. Don't fall into the trap , they are created to limit ur power they want u to be weak and powerless they are intimated by ur power and they seek to limit it and trick u into thinking it's limited, break free of those chains don't let another human being slap any self limiting label on u.
Extreme and prolonged loneliness or isolation can lead into turning a pleaser for the fear of losing the incredibly rare friends and romance opportunities but paradoxically that's also a good sign that you've at least rationalised the importance of socialization despite being unable to internalise and practice it naturally due to brain disorders (like ADHD) or a large number of mental disorders
this is 100% true i’ve battled with loneliness & self isolation my 16/17 yo years and it caused a major affect on my life . i would do anything for others to recognize me or just to build a connection and if people pleasing was the answer i aimed towards it i don’t think people pleasing makes someone selfish i think it’s a response of trauma and loneliness
I'm struggling with this right now and feel so desperate lmao
0:56 it consumes u.
1:37 its mainly about helping urself.
2:38 u look for approval.
3:36 u start from a place of emptiness.
4:10 u take away the personal agency from others.
Thank you!
Igarashi Ikki in a nutshell
Thanks
@@ficmatagaea7813 was not expecting a Rider reference
In these comments.
@@ryugaknight pft, really? Interesting!
People pleasing from my experience comes from fear not selfishness. Especially if they grew up in an environment that is abusive and actively discourages you being yourself. And into adulthood it becomes an act of survival and there is nothing selfish about surviving in a world and a family system that damns you for trying to be you and hurts you over and over again. Its difficult to unlearn especially if they have been doing it for years. People pleasing sucks. Many do it because they feel like they have to and not for the sake of some grand evil scheme.
That’s your experience, not the truth
As a people pleaser with severe anxiety (yes, professionally diagnosed) I can say that this is NO WHERE NEAR correct. I do it because I want others to be happy, to keep crap of their sholders. I loose my sense of what happiness and replace it with anxiety just to make people happy. HOW THE HELL IS THAT SELFISH, PHYCH2GO?!
The more time goes by, the more and more this video seems like a mistake.
@@Wolf_Dominic because it IS a mistake. Take it down already, psych2go!
Its exactly the same for me (not proffesionally diagnosed w/ anxiety (yet) though). I hope it gets better for you :)
They needed to make a video to bully people in an obvious way, they wanted to ensure going to hell.
First time I am dissappointed in this channel.
Not all people pleasers are fake, many acctually are just nice people ready to give everyone anything not from what you said a sense of selfishness so they can feel like heroes, but from a sense of duty and love and people swallow them whole and they even say thanks.
This video can actually make some of those people feel bad.
I have seen many good people, people who didn't realize that goodness has a limit. You come here and say it's selfish?
Better start saying SOME and A FEW, not all people pleasers try to please themselves.
Take time to rethink this one.
I recommend you read the description.
I agree completely with you. I consider myself a people pleaser due to showing love to others not to be fake, but selflessness to many. Sure it was formed out of many traumas I have experienced, but it helps me feel better as there is a lot unkindness in this world, and even smiling or other small acts of kindness gives me hope. This video definitely made me question myself and my personality and made me feel more inner hatred that does bubble up. Really unfortunate Psych2go to do that. I hope you have a great morning,day, evening wherever you are at, thanks for speaking your truth @ralunix.
I agree. I've been taken foe granted in this case pleasing people other than myself. I honestly don't understand this video. Disappointed
@@IamNova_ Desc only says that being nice in general doesn’t make you selfish. It’s about being a people pleaser that’s being selfish but sometimes it’s not about personal gain that make people a pleaser but fear usually
If you do this then you should be disappointed in yourself? If you don't act like this then it's not about you! :D I think this video is just talking how it can make SOME people selfish! You guys seem kind so I don't think this video is talking about you! •^^•
I'm a teen who recently got diagnosed with ADHD and i have been a people pleaser my whole life. My reason for doing this comes from masking and my extremely fragile self esteem/confidence as a result of the ADHD; my way of fitting in with people around me and keeping myself pleased is keeping others happy, because im afraid of hurting my peers. I feel kind of alienated at the thought of saying anything remotely critical, harsh or brutally honest to anyone which is what has lead to me to be a people pleaser.
I still establish basic boundaries and whenever I am uncomfortable but thats about as far as it goes, for other situations I only really think about other people's feelings. It is very spineless but it's not only how I've been raised to be like but also how I fit in.
You're not selfish for being a people pleaser. The people they're talking about in this video use the excuse of people pleasing to do whatever they want because "I'm just trying to help you." In general, actual people pleasers don't do that
Same, been 38 years undiagnosed ADHD I ended up retiring from society and embracing loneliness but still I was rationalising the importance of socialization so I ended up being a pleaser for the fear of losing the extremely rare friendship and romance opportunities but also because of a very low self esteem
I’m a people-pleaser, but it’s because I just want people to be happy…and yes the validation thing cause idk how to be happy on my own :(
Yeah I can relate..😟🙁
Yeah, this channel should stop thinking as if people pleasers are planning some sort of evil scheme
Yes, me too.
this videos full of shit your fine keep doing you if ur not stepping on your own feet
@@Mangomelonbar lol ty, i’m doing better now :]
As a people pleaser myself, it's a survival mechanism. Last weekend, I got pulled around wherever someone else wanted me to go, and shut down any desire I had for what I wanted to do. This weekend, I expressed to the same person my displeasure of being whipped around and left "on the shelf," while she was enjoying herself. Did I get any consideration? No. I got ripped a new one for expressing my feeling that I was being treated as nothing but a tool and that my desires are repeatedly ignored. It caused me more pain and trouble to speak up about how I felt than it did to just shut up and comply
First I want to congratulate you on standing up for yourself you did the right thing. Next I would like to say it’s is good to set boundaries and not do anything you do not want to do. It is important to put your wants and needs first and it is not selfish. The fact that your friend did not acknowledge the way you felt and only cared about her feelings is selfish and you should limit her access to you since she cannot respect you.
I disagree. I do things for people but don’t expect rewards. I’ve just ended up in unhealthy friendships where I put them before myself and they take advantage of that. I’ve ended up taking emotional abuse because I don’t want to hurt their feelings by standing up for myself
Lol twinning
Same , and once I stood up for myself but I felt instant guilt and regret and told her that It was just a prank I don't know what kind of a person I am becoming!
yeah like is this not the definition of people pleasing?? like i know jackshit about psychology but i’m pretty sure their def of “people pleasing” is entirely wrong and yours is right, making this whole video v redundant and almost ignorant 🤞
Raise your hand if you've been watching Psych2Go for a long time🤚
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Look. This channel has helped a lot of people. Everyone has their bad take once or twice. But this video is AWFUL and harmful. Being a people pleaser can be a result of trauma.
Not all ”people pleasers” are covert narcissists. The people you describe in the video sounds more like persons in that category.
This video needs to be absorbed in context. It IS true that there can be selfish motives like the ones listed. However, there are some of us who are labeled "people-pleasers" when really we are kind, sensitive souls who genuinely do struggle to have the compassion on ourselves that we have for others. Some of us who are called "people-pleasers" don't want anything from others, not even praise. A lot of times, we are all willing to go to bat for those we love and receive no recognition for it. I think what most people don't like is when they do something nice for someone and there are self-serving motives assigned to them that aren't there. That is the most hurtful punch in the world.
Yeah this video didn't do a very good job at separating the kind of people pleaser they were talking about from the kind of people pleaser you're talking about.
@@nomnom2298oh and the label in psychology terms I think is they’re AFRAID OF DISSAPROVAL.
I'm not a people pleaser because I want attention. I'm a people pleaser because I do my best to make everyone happy, at the expense of my own happiness.
Straight from google:
“People pleasers tend to do anything possible to avoid conflict, even if it means turning into an entirely different person. Your worth depends on how others see you. People pleasers need validation from others to feel good about themselves. They can go to extremes to earn words of praise from others.”
@@dandan029 notice the person talked about their own experience, not the generalizing definition according to Google. Google also used words like "tend to" and "can," which is also subjective. So please quit invalidating this person just because you can, you don't know them
@@dandan029 I don't need the praise of others. Personally I hate myself and see no reason for others to like me. I simply give my all to make people happy, despite what it could cost me.
@@ChikinNuggz119 isn't that selflessness instead of people pleasing tho?
@@fosf_ I'm... Not sure.
To me it seems less like "selfishness" and more like "anxiety"
It's not always like 3 steps ahead, always wanting more, its fear, like you imagine the worst case scenario, and basically like your holding yourself to impossible expectations, and if you fail, if you accidentally hurt someone, you feel like an awful person
Its awful, and its hard to let go of
Only people with an isolated view ever try to stop people from doing things, they do because they see no other way. But it must be fun, to think it´s selfish to please others, as if standing up for yourself isn´t dangerous in a toxic world. But as long as people can outpaint the abusers, it´s always the victims who are selfish or stupid to do, what they do. As if you want to be the "slave" of others.
That is a fair point honestly, one that I think a lot of people here are overlooking.
You just described how I feel about this exactly, thank you, I didn't even know I felt this way until you said it
Because people pleasers became this way because they lived in a toxic environment and with toxic people, does not mean they are not selfish at all either. And vice versa, it's not because deep down people pleasing comes from a place of selfishness that the others are not selfish, toxic, or even abusive.
@@LOLOsugoi Than you don´t mean people pleaser but people who do, what real people pleasers do, but not out of fear, but out of free will. So go on and match actions with character and call selfish people who act like people pleasers as the same kind of people. You don´t get and never will.
Just because people pleasers can be selfish to a certain extent doesn't mean it's destructive to others. I understand that people pleasers don't like the word "selfish", because the entire point is that they're trying to be selfless to a fault, but it is a viewpoint centered on oneself. I feel like the video should've been handled a little more delicately with that in mind.
Anyway, I used to be a people pleaser when I was a child because of emotional abuse, so I understand where everyone's coming from although that mentality didn't follow me into adulthood so its not the same (I do still have some people pleaser tendencies, though, unfortunately, even if it doesn't take up my whole consciousness), but I also understand that in order to move forward you need to see the flaws in your philosophy. If you constantly think "I'm doing this selflessly for others, so it's okay if I'm a slave to their whims even if it's not what I want" then you'll never be able to get out. If you see people pleasing from other angles, it's easier to start poking holes in your logic so that you can move forward, like how devout religious people let go of their prejudices.
It's good to realise that to some extent, you're being selfish. But you should also wonder, against whom are you being selfish to?
To yourself, I think. You spend so much time thinking about how to abide by this toxic mentality, but the one you're being toxic to is yourself. I've tried so hard to talk to a people pleaser friend of mine, but every time I try to help and talk about how much this mindset is bad for them, they just end up talking in circles and we get nowhere because they don't want help. But they aren't living a fulfilling life because of this, they're just making themselves vulnerable to more abuse.
You're being selfish to yourself, unable to move forward and take a better life with your own hands, and you've stuck yourself into a hole of wondering how best to make others like you. It's really saddening and frustrating.
Edit: true depression is realising that this sort of message was not put across in this video in the slightest. Bruh. Okay, yeah, this video should've been handled better and scripted in a way that emphasised that the mentality of people pleasers is flawed and needs to be examined critically, not in a way that invalidates those people. Smh.
Someone who was supposed to help us people pleasers made half of us sad tbh some of us aren’t selfish we just don’t want to lose our friends and working hard to make others happy.And this video make us people pleaser guilty for no reason we are literally working hard for others and not for ourself half of the time most of us don’t want that much attention we just want to be helping and not lose any friends
Man... Recent life experiences and watching this video made me realize that i'm too far gone to have friends at this point. I need to work through all my trauma and fears if i ever want to build meaningful relationships with others. Building friendships requires caring about the other person as well, but i feel i can't do it right now. Sure, maybe it's the wrong people. Yet after watching this i see that i want everything to revolve around myself and only myself. I realize i don't care about others in my current state, just about if they can validate me or not. Granted, it's better than it used to be, but it's still there, i have a lot of work to do.
If you've read up to this point, thank you so much. Have a good day, kind person
You're not selfish for needing validation, you're human and you have needs. If you're genuinely trying to do good and help people while still dealing with trauma, I think that's selfless, not selfish. As far as being surrounded by toxic people, you seek out what you're unconsciously familiar with -- that comes from a place of having been abused. You should not be shamed for that: the fault solely rests at your abusers' feet, not yours.
(Honestly, I think Psych2Go really missed the mark with this video. It sounds like BS an abuser would say to make a kind person feel guilty because the abuser lacks that kindness and is envious as a result.)
@@sassylittleprophet Gaslighting/victim blaming is what this whole video feels like.
@@northern_21 it really is. I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees it
the truth is most of the people you'll meet and make connections with will also have a lot of issues and trauma and things that they're working through/haven't worked through yet.
it's okay to make friends and you can even help each other get through things.
@@sassylittleprophet Seems a misunderstanding is at play. Oh well, that's on me, i should have phrased it differently. I made it sound like this vid made me realize my life was a mistake, when in reality, it was something i was grappling with this whole day. Though you do have a good point that the vid made me feel even worse about myself
As for the rest of your comment, i am genuinely thankful for your kind words. Genuinely raised my spirits and motivation. Refreshing to finally receive actual encouragement, instead of judgement. I found out that in the place i live in, accepting aspects of people works in a really... i'm not gonna sugarcoat it, batshit crazy way. When you show that part of yourself that people "don't accept", you're met with outward aggression, telling you they don't accept you. In theory... What's actually going on is that they don't dislike you, they actually may like you and enjoy your company, but it manifests in this bizarre way. Which applies to emotional support as well. Why am i telling this? Just to show why it's so nice to receive actual encouragement instead of judgement or passive aggression. It seems that many people in this shithole just... don't know healthy ways to support someone. And honestly, i'm deeply disturbed by this. I don't doubt there are people out there who are capable, wish i could find some of them. It's kinda depressing how most of my emotional support is relegated to my diary. That's a safe haven, and if not for it, i wouldn't have made even the slightest progress with recovering from my trauma.
Once again, thank you for your kind words and listening to my story. May Lady Luck be with you
This video is talking about people who always think of themselves as nice, and so will constantly go out of their way to be publicly seen doing “nice” things to reinforce this idea of being the hero of everyone’s story, regardless of whether it’s actually needed. However, there’s a seemingly similar but fundamentally different kind of person who’s also known as a people pleaser, a category which I think I fall into, personally. This is someone who will put their own important needs aside at the drop of a hat, simply because someone else has a different preference or wants something that may not be as important.
The second people pleaser may have experienced some childhood trauma, and will often tell themself that they’re a bad or selfish person where the first people pleaser will insist on being a great person. Ironically, while the video’s advice (to stop making everything about you so that other people have a chance to solve their own problems) is pretty good advice for the first people pleaser, it’s kind of the opposite of what the second needs to hear. And unfortunately, while the video tries to make a distinction between the two, it essentially does the bare minimum at the beginning of the video, and the borderline-clickbait title of the video certainly doesn’t help.
If you think you’re the second people pleaser, you should remember that everyone’s needs matter, including yours. So if your needs are being ignored or forgotten, or if you’re too scared of rejection to even bring them up, ask yourself what you would say if you knew it was happening to someone else, and stand up for yourself. There’s a huge difference between being healthy and being selfish, and taking care of your own basic needs, or even occasionally doing what you want to do instead of what someone else wants, doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you’re being fair to everyone, including yourself. You’re a unique, awesome, special person who simply didn’t get enough recognition earlier in life, and it’s never too late to start recognizing yourself.
This actually made me tear up... I always thought that doing things in other people's favour is nice and doing what I want is selfish. I probably adapted this behaviour since I was little...maybe in order to get accepted. It is true that I fear rejection or being left by someone because maybe I wouldnt be good or fun enough anymore. But atleast I never did something "nice" and expected something in return afterwards...or atleast never intended to.
This video kinda came at the right time.
It's like I've written this comment
This video is cap, your not selfish.
There’s nothing wrong with you! This video is very insensitive, and I can’t believe they actually posted this
@@Emshii_ fr
dont listen to this video, its pretty stigmatizing...do what you want, but i wouldn't suggest using this video and the opinions within it as a blueprint for examining your own situation because everyone is different
So I'm selfish because I feel guilty if others aren't happy about me? Because I seek approval? But then if I'm not a people pleaser I'm a selfish jerk that only cares about myself? I can't win
wanting to make others happy out of fear of being selfish and getting walked all over like a doormat is selfish... great.
I bet no one who helped make this video knew what its like to be a people pleaser.
Exactly
This is a horrible video that should have NEVER been made. People pleasers are not selfish, they practically only think of other people and how they can be more convenient to them. I'm a people pleaser because of my GAD. Being annoying or hated is one of my worst nightmares. To say that I have ulterior motives is honestly a terrible thing to say. Most people become people pleasers due to disorders or trauma, and not just because they want something. Some people were forced to be people pleasers due to abuse or neglect. We are aware that the psych stands for psychology, which is why we expect you to be at least somewhat accurate, but this video just throws that out the window. If you really understood the psychology behind being a people pleaser, this video would not exist.
im honestly disappointed with this video spreading harmful misinformation. being a people pleaser is often a trauma response, not everyone has the luxury of being themselves. not everyone is allowed to be upset with someone in fear of abandonment. this video is just insensitive
Being too nice excessively will develop unrealistic expectations and consequences. It's good to say NO for once and start focusing on yourself. Whether you like it or not, not all people will like you but some people out there do!
I've been called a people pleaser, but I don't think I am. I hate conflict/ arguments, so I do my best to avoid them. Doing things to gain someone's favour doesn't really seem like me, either.
Those people are actually correct then. THAT’S what people pleasers actually are.
this is not a good video, it just feels like villainizing and it’ll make people feel worse instead of helping
Timestamps
1). It consumes you leaving no room for anything else 0:54
2,). It's mainly about helping yourself and not about helping them 1:36
3). You look for approval and validation from others 2:36
4). You start from a place of emptiness 3:34
5). You take away the personal agency of others 4:09
Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
You wrote 1 2 3 5 6
I'm annoying, I know
@@DarkAngry thanks for telling me that and you are not annoying
Heh, and here I was thinking it was 3 reasons.
4) You start from* a place of emptiness.
@@skvarty_dubz_and_wubz thanks for telling me that
I’ve always been a people pleaser.. I never thought about it this way.. I really do care about people.. Not because of selfishness.. I guess being nice is considered selfish nowadays…
Yea I’m a people pleaser btw your not alone
I demand an apology. People pleasing is often a trauma response and it's extremely insensitive to call it selfish. I thought that you of all people would understand. Please refrain from giving mental advice before doing something as horrible as this. No one is selfish for going though something that wasn't their fault.
I was a people pleaser cause of my family and if I didn’t… do the things I am supposed to do i.e. make them feel good about themselves or do deeds to make them feel comfortable, I would be scum of the earth or I was selfish. And I only ever people please when I know if I don’t I’ll get hurt. For me it’s really just a coping mechanism… but I guess I should change it, I don’t think I can handle being selfish or being called selfish. It’s a trauma induced word for me.
Edit: And I don’t do it for approval I just do it from fear. My people pleasing wasn’t from emptiness it was from the trauma my family had given to me when I was a child. Neither do I think people owe me nor should they do something for me in return cause I helped them. I don’t know what type of person would do this but this is too…generalising to use for such a broad term. People pleasing isn’t just “selfishly doing it for yourself.” This is hurtful to watch as a people pleaser and I don’t agree with what you’re saying as though this is what all people pleasers do. Sure maybe some but it’s not just that. This was a really messed up thing to say Psych2go.
I'm sorry for what you had to go through. I think Psych2Go would agree though that what you did wasn't people-pleasing in the way she meant, you were coerced from a place of authority, not to mention as a minor.
Being guilted into doing "nice" things for people is NOT the same as people-pleasing.
But yes, if you now avoid conflict because of it it seems like something a therapist could help you work through as having boundaries and a sense of self-worth is one of the most important things in life to be content without being dependent on other people's opinion.
@@couchpotatoe91 thank you but, I’m not as guilt tripped as I was anymore and… I still people please. That’s the thing, I can’t change it, I have to be nice so they don’t hurt me. Because of my trauma I don’t have any care nor love for myself and that’s why I do things for other people even if I hurt myself. Being hurt by someone else is scarier than hurting myself and I have to be kind or I’ll be labelled as selfish. Being Selfish terrifies me more than death.
I understand you so well...
💯this is exactly me too. It has nothing to do with manipulating people to puff ourselves up, it’s because we were conditioned to put our abusers happiness before our own, and this was carried over into the rest of our lives even after the abuse ended. Psych2Go seriously dropped the ball on this one.
What’s really troublesome is videos like this will help give cover to abusers and validate their accusations that it’s everyone else who is selfish and not them.
@@LeSaulePleurer It's not about being selfish, it's about choosing who enters your life. Believe me when I tell you that with this pleasing behavior, you're far, *far* more likely to attract those people who are selfish/abusive. And because of how absorbed you are with pleasing them you might not even realize or excuse their behavior because saying no would be a conflict.
On the other hand, people with boundaries attract healthy relationships. Don't think people are dumb just because they don't call you out on your behavior. They realize when somebody is constantly nice to everyone.
The big problem I've had with these kind of people personally is that they have often times have these extremely toxic people around them that leech off them. They're the kind that doesn't get any other friends because they're so self-absorbed, but the pleasers validate them and tell themselves that they can change them.
Whenever I get to know a nice person that has these kind of people around them, I avoid them like the plague even if they themselves seem nice. I'm in a community where consent and boundaries are discussed frequently, so I know that most people without trauma do.
As a people pleaser this isn’t how I think at all, I’m just ‘too nice of a person’, won’t set boundaries and won’t say no kind of a people pleaser. I don’t do it because ‘I’m so nice for doing this’ I do it because ‘they’re happy with me :) and not upset!’ And because I hate upsetting people or letting them down-
Yeah, this video sucks. They mixed up people pleasing and manipulating. In reality SOME people pleasers MIGHT be selfish but many many of them are not
People pleasing in a survival mechanism in abusive situations
I was once a people pleaser until a complete psychopath taught me a lesson to value myself more and walk away. Am I still a people pleaser? No. Doesn't mean I won't stop helping people who do needs help. There are genuinely nice people out there. The people pleaser , some, do recognize that it interfere their authentic self. I learned the hard way with this crazy ass psychopath and I really don't care who hated and for not damn reason at all wanted me dead. I will be genuinely nice and being myself.
As a people pleaser, this video makes me feel uncomfortable 😭 cause I don't think of myself as selfish.
Edit:Reading the comments made me realize how much this video upsets me... I regret watching
I think there’s a lot of truth in this video, but you have to keep in mind that people pleasers often end up that way because of grooming and abuse. I think this video could have done a better job validating that instead of just saying “This is your problem, now fix it.” Especially since people pleasers are very sensitive to criticism, you have to be gentle with your message if you want to actually help them change their behavior.
There is no truth to this video
@@guffthebir72preach it
If you want to you can make everything people do seem selfish. You want to give money to homeless people? Well you are only doing that to feel good about yourself now aren't you?
How about we stop twisting people's good intentions and simply appreciate it?
This video makes no sense.... I never felt good about myself even if I made someone else's life easier. I usually watch your video but this one is hurtful. Most of us were abused or traumatized. I had therapy after I starved myself to let my friend buy what she wanted and tried to unalive myself when my mother was disappointed in me. Psychologist said it was from child abuse I went through. I please others to avoid conflicts which triggers anxiety and fear even if I have to take the blame for something I didn't do to stop others from fighting. Calling us "selfish" is going overboard.
This video feels incorrect in so many ways. I also generally feel that 'people pleaser' in itself is an incorrect terminology being used all over. More than 'people pleasing' it is an inability to believe that the REAL YOU is being noticed. Trying to fit into certain ways is just an attempt to belong somewhere. 'How do I act so they view me in good light' - the sentence itself gives us an idea, that the person is wanting to be heard, noticed, looked out for. I don't think 'people pleasing' is a choice it's an outcome of a void, an outcome of lack of sense of belonging. It is fine if no one agrees with the statements above but it is just an opinion. Not looking for debates here. Thanks.
I kinda thought you were better than this, I can’t help being afraid of saying no to people and having 0 boundaries
I think titling the video something along the lines of “signs that your people-pleasing may be selfish”, and going along with that theme, instead of coming off in a manner that implies all people-pleasers have selfish motives and reasons for their actions may improve this video
I am a people pleaser all the time because I'm so scared they will hate me. But I'm not doing it for me, I just want to make people happy
I'm a people pleaser because of my primary school experience. This is trauma based. I put other people's needs before mine because I spent 6 YEARS doing that. Being a people pleaser doesn't always mean your selfish. So when this so telling me that I'm selfish because I'm a people pleaser, it makes it seem that all my trauma didn't happen or didn't exist. Yes it doesn't completely mean that, but it's still harmful. Being a people pleaser can lead to years of therapy and it's actually not healthy if it's extreme. Mines only a little bit and I have boundaries, but it can get worse. I'm still a people pleaser to this day and have been for 11 years now. Being a people pleaser doesn't make you selfish.
The video didn't clarify very well but the tipe of people pleaser that they are referring to is the one who does the nice things for validation and or attention.
This are still victims of trauma, but most people talking in the comments are not really people pleasers in the context of the video like if ur generally nice to people u are not a people pleaser, a people pleaser does nice things for their own self gain not for just helping the person, they need constant validation so they buy random shit for no aparent reason, they chose for people that never asked, they constantly wonder what other people think of them(like to an obsessive amount).
At least that's what I thought from the experiences with my mom
This video gave me one more reason to hate myself. I'm already broken by the past and dealing with low self-esteem and fear of rejection, so I guess it's true that I'm selfish and need to work on it so I don't live centered only on myself. The people around me deserve better. But I don't know, I'm afraid to hurt my loved ones and make them happy no matter what, it's what makes me happy.
At the end we are going to be disappointed if we can't make them happy
The video has poorly defined the line between people pleaser, like probably yourself and people who do it with conscious and/or second intentions. It seems to me that they failed in making that contrast. Don't feel bad yourself if you're genuine!
This video imo has done a horrible job of describing people pleasing and as a people pleaser I agree it's something to work on but i would not categorize it as selfish and definitely not something to hate yourself for
I'm super surprised at the response of this vid lowkey
I don't think people in these comments even understand the MEANING of the word "selfish"
selfishness is not inherently a bad thing at all, at least i don't think so (as a people pleaser myself)
it is in our nature to get defensive at a word like that, like, how DARE you think that i care about myself? but it's the truth. a lot of us are selfish
and this video is just correct. it highlights the dangers of people-pleasing. it DOES sabatoge your relationships. we need to learn to be assertive, genuinley
"but it's a trauma response!"
i have also had trauma that influenced my people-pleasing tendencies. does that suddenly erase how damaging it is? no. that should be a given
fear of abandonment, etc. ARE selfish fears. we all struggle with them though
Thank you someone finally said it❤
This can be a very harmful viewpoint. I am autistic and suffered from emotional neglect/abuse, supervision neglect, and I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. While it can be said that I act the way I do out of selfishness, it's how I was taught to act to make the people around me happy. I don't do it because I want anything in return, or even that it makes me happy to do, but I had to act that way to survive and I feel that if I stop, I will be hurt. I do it out of fear, not for my own gain. It is one of my trauma responses from continuous neglect and abuse during the most influential years of my life. Don't make this kind of blanket statement, it can harm more than it can help.
I'm a people pleaser so people dont think im a bad person. Now im getting called selfish lol nice
Yeah, this video is pretty shitty imo
Im a people pleaser sometimes and this is upsetting and harmful for people as this is a trauma response. I have abandonment issues and wanting people to care for me because I felt uncared for all my life. And that I feel the need to make others happy. So if this video is telling people and stigmatizing a trauma response is something to be selfish with then I’m massively disappointed in you as the channel itself. If you really care, please make videos that are more appropriate in the future and it be best to probably remove the video and address this as an apology in a different posts. If you really care about us fans and viewers.
This video is very insensitive. (Coming from a people pleaser) a lot of this is wrong completely. Most people that are people pleasers don’t want anything in return all they want is their friend or family member to be okay. We aren’t selfish. Why does wanting to help people make you selfish.
Not all people pleasers do it for wrong reasons, I am one but it's because I try hard to get others happy and accept me.
I see what they were trying to do with this video, telling people the harm people pleasing can do. But I honestly don't think they did a good job in acknowledging the reason why we people-please. They didn't really say anything about the trauma that started it all and I'm pretty sure that that's why this video upset so many people in the comments. But at the same time, I think we need to reflect and consider the reasons why and how people pleasing can actually be selfish. I'm 22 and I've been a people pleaser my whole life. It's gotten so bad to the point where I recently discovered that I literally don't know who I am. I don't really know who I am because I've never really been real with people, let alone myself. I've only done things for people or said things I felt they wanted to hear so that they don't hate me or think I'm boring, even if that means neglecting myself and my own needs. But recently, even before this video was uploaded (as in literally just a few months ago), I realized that in a way, people pleasing is kind of selfish. 1)Yes, youre thinking of ways to make the other person happy, but youre thinking of ways to make them happy.... to keep them from hating you. Theres a difference between doing something nice for others just because, without expecting any praise or anything in return, and doing something nice to prevent them from being disappointed in you. 2) Yes, youre telling them what they want to hear or showing them what you think they want to see so they can be happy, but youre also keeping something from them... your true self and your true opinions and feelings. AND YES believe me I know very well why we hide our true selves from people. Anytime we tried to express ourselves in any way, it'd be shut down and criticized and eventually we never felt safe to just be ourselves and we quickly learn by mistake that our feelings don't matter and we only exist to make others happy. But coming from a person who jeopardized a few friendships by bottling up my true feelings, only for them to explode in the faces of people I love and create an even bigger distance between us, it is NOT the way to go. Even the mere thought of expressing who I really am is absolutely terrifying, but I'd rather work on getting through that than continuing to please people and end up bitter with no one to love later in my life. One more reason/example of why people pleasing is kinda selfish: A while ago I also discovered that even though I have good intentions, they can only get me so far. Sometimes I have a tendency to overpromise and underdeliver. I tell people I'm gonna do something and I underdeliver and end up disappointing people anyway after realizing that what I want to do and what I can do don't line up. In that instance, I'm not only not being real with others, but I'm especially not being real with myself. I'm trying so hard to get people to like me that I'm not taking into consideration all the things I'm able and unable to do.
I apologize for this absolute novel of a comment but, what I'm trying to say is that 1) I feel like psych 2 go could have done a better job at acknowledging the trauma that causes us to please others and making people pleasers look less villain-like and maybe changing the title so it feels less insensitive to others and 2) despite this, yes people pleasers can be unknowingly, sometimes knowingly selfish, BUT it doesn't mean we're bad people. Our hearts are coming from a good place, whether it's making others happy or protecting ourselves. It's just that we need to work on doing these things in a healthy way. Yeah we have flaws and trauma/trauma responses and bad habits, but that doesn't make us bad overall and it doesn't mean we'll never be able to be better people, especially for ourselves.
Thanks for commenting I get to learn so much:)♥️
I feel like this video is making people pleasing look a tiny bit narcissistic. Which is definitely not the case in my opinion.
I can't really speak for everyone, but as a people pleaser, I have never had ulterior motives of wanting people to rely on me for my own "ulterior motives" nor have I expected praise for things.
I feel like people pleasing is more of a general lack of self worth rather than a "hurting others to give myself some self worth" type of thing.
Like I personally don't do things for people to be praised, I do it for approval, because I need to know if what I'm doing is "ok" or acceptable, and if it's not then that must mean it's harmful, so I should never do it again, I need validation to know I'm not being a bad person, because otherwise I don't know if I'm accidentally hurting someone or doing something wrong.
I want people to rely on me so that I can be useful, because otherwise I feel like a waste of space, I don't want anyone to owe me something nor get a good reaction out of someone, I just want to prove to myself that I *can be* useful.
As far as I know, people pleasing most of the times comes from a need to prove your worth to others and to yourself by constantly serving others. It may come from neglect, or extremely high expectations, or a feeling of constant failure, etc.
So it's not really selfish per say, it's more of a coping mechanism, it's getting your own self-worth from other people because for whatever reason other people have either established that this is where your self worth *should* come from, or because they have stripped you of any self-worth you ever had to begin with.
Those are the most common causes that I've seen at least. But it also could come from a deep fear of others, it's like being faced with someone that seemingly has power over you (even if they don't) so you try to please them so they won't get mad at you or discard you.
I honestly don't believe anything we do is truly selfless. The only difference being people that do things purely to benefit themself and sometimes at the expense of others which are acts we despise versus acts that are often said to be selfless are just mutually beneficial acts in disguise.
I think the idea of selflessness as mutually benefical acts seems more accurate than perhaps the more idealistic idea of selflessness purely as giving. Like you said, nothing is truly selfless, but if the selfishness is balanced out it could be considered "selfless."
Hard disagree, simply based on the proposed version of "selfishness" this video speaks on. Selfish behavior is that which benefits you BUT ALSO harms another person. Most of the examples in this video do not exhibit this quality. Doing a nice thing that benefits another person and also yourself is not "selfish", just as much as doing a nice thing that benefits someone else but not yourself isn't selfish either. People pleasing is usually a compulsion driven by fear, it is a constant NEED to please others, with heavy negative emotional side effects. This video is seemingly confusing people pleasing with like love bombing or something inherently malicious
as someone with borderline personality disorder this video is really harmful
I thought people pleasers were “doormats”, “yes men”, and mainly caused by anxiety or trauma or both. Doesnt it do the pleaser more harm than to others? I’d like a video on how to be more assertive instead.
I think a lot of people misunderstood this video, they're not saying all people pleasers are selfish, they're saying that there are negative aspects to being a certain kind of people pleaser that can be toxic/detrimental to good mental health.
We all know people who seem nice but their niceness comes with a cost, and many people pleasers neglect themselves in order to make others happy and that's not healthy either. Those are just a couple examples, re-watch the video again and I think you'll see it differently.
I agree, they clarified at the very start (0:00 - 0:26 ) and it seems that it went above a lot of people’s heads
Probably wasn’t a good idea to title the video “3 reasons why being a people pleaser is selfish.” Apparently, a lot of people who became people pleasers after constantly getting accused of being selfish earlier in life are getting messed up pretty bad because they think this video is talking about them.
Plz read the title
Sometimes we need time to understand and hang around people who make us feel awesome without having to do anything for them. It's crucial to
enjoy our happiness and don’t feel guilty for it.👍
No one always does things with the holiest intention, they are trying their best to survive and build good relationships with others! They need to be loved and feel secure. And the truth is, you are valuable and loved no matter who you are or what your mental condition is!
This is the first time i have had to dislike a phych2go video been watching them for a long time fear causes me to agree to things that i do not want do and the other person doesn't get hurt there getting what they want done for free im the one who ends up losing its always the people the knows im afraid to say no i suffer from depression and severe anxiety i keep hoping to get stronger.
This is not a good video at all, I am in a very toxic situation right now and I can’t get out of it due to me being a people pleaser and I’m “SELFISH”? Yeah, that’s totally something I needed to hear to change my mental state for the better.
I call myself a people pleaser and seeing this video made me upset as I just don't want people to hate me, I try to make people happy without thinking about me at all... I wouldn't call myself selfish, I ask things about people and if they need anything. Hell one time my friend had heatstroke and I ran to their house to help without permission. I got in trouble but I didn't care because my friend was okay.
And again
So me doing all these extracurriculars to make my parents and peers happy is selfish. I just began realizing doing things people want of me isn’t the best for my mental health, and right now I don’t know where to go in life, I was just blindly following what people told me to do.
I think people are misunderstanding that people pleasing is being kind and generous for the sake of wanting something in return rather than being honest and transparent.
It’s passive aggressive and when the people pleaser is inevitably disappointed or feels taken advantage of (because the other person can just bulldoze their boundaries) then they usually will lash out or punish them beyond what is suitable to fit the wrongdoing.
You’re essentially expecting others to read your mind and act how you think they should because you think you can read others’ mind. It IS selfish and manipulative-which isn’t intrinsically a bad thing or makes someone a bad person, but there are healthier and more effective ways to express and receive what you want/need.
🧢
It's amazing seeing people pleasers in the comments defend this behaviour just because it stems from trauma, last I remember so does avoidance yet it be the same anxious people with their people pleasing behaviours that shit on them the most. So where is the empathy that you ask of others for others who also suffer from trauma. I remember Patrick, a psychologist here on TH-cam once said, " Our trauma hinder us from seeing humanity in others" and this has never been more true. Anxiously attached people are the people pleasers of our society oftentimes, and they often demand that people empathize with all their toxic traits, control, manipulation, people pleasing, codependency, boundary violations, excessive jealousy, frantic behaviours from their moods, excessive need for validation and admiration.
Yet shit on anyone with an Avoidant attachment. At this point, I'm doing inner work to ensure I never ever everrrr have to love such a selfish being. And the crazy part is they're always the victims, ALWAYS.
Through most of my youth I've struggled with being a people pleaser, having RSD and struggling to move on from negative thoughts due to being higly sensitive.
Even when I was able to genuinly and unexpectedly help someone the right way, I still find myself wanting to be a people pleaser again and it sucks cuz idk how to get rid of this cycle! I just wanna see the ppl I love being happy together and free from their issues, but I'm not even a part of their lives.
You're not selfish for wanting to make others happy, even if you have RSD. If you are genuine when helping people, then you're doing it for them, not for yourself. You're not selfish
@@sassylittleprophet Yeah but the thing is I wish I could help them with so much of it but it's something they should figure out themselves.
The "I WAS THE ONE THAT HELPED THEM" kind of way that just doesn't feel quite right...
@@imaymellow it's NOT right. They're framing it like *"I* was the one who helped them" rather than "I'm glad I was able to help them," which is an entirely different motivation. Most of the time I think, people DO genuinely want to help people, just because. It's a shame that even Psych2Go can't understand that
@@sassylittleprophet No but that can happen as well! Trust me, i've felt both of these things. They're different, but they can both happen. In fact it only felt genuine once for me because of how I spent most of my years trying help ppl for the wrong reasons and it NEVER worked.
@@imaymellow oh I'm sure, I've felt it before too. I just don't want this video to gaslight you into thinking you're a bad person, because you're not, or into questioning whether or not you have ulterior motives every time you feel the urge to help someone.
I honestly think a lot of people just want to help and don't think much of it at all, no motive other than wanting to help someone. If that's you, you're not selfish, you're literally not thinking of yourself. Also, of course helping people makes you feel good...that doesn't mean you're being selfish for wanting to help people for them and you.
I just- this video brought up and mixed up a lot of shit for me (and others by the sound of it) and I'm trying to untangle it all in my head.
Wtf? This is so untrue… this one is totally weird!
I am a people pleaser and it has nothing to do with wanting anything for it… like in my life, I take care of my 2 sick parents, my schizophrenic brother, 2 year old daughter.. I’m 5th down on the list. I skip meals and showers. I do everyone’s laundry and dishes. If anyone ever asks me for help, I say yeah… I’m not selfish at all. I have $22 to my name and just bought my dad a burger… he could have paid, but I offered… just to try and be sweet… He didn’t even say thanks. Lol. 😅
i actually am surprised, this is the first video i’ve seen of yours i disagree with. i don’t get offended by stuff easily, & im very VERY self aware of everything i do/say/am. But people pleasing is a trauma response for most people. i am a people pleaser & have been for a long time & that’s because i had to be the “golden child”. my mother was a narcissist & my older sister was a LOT to deal with. we were raised by our grandparents & so i constantly did things to make them happy & not ever say how i was really feeling bc they were already so stressed with the rest of my family’s problems. Not to mention quite a few of the people in my family have always made me feel like my opinions & feelings do not matter. that i am not allowed to say no, and if i do i’m guilt tripped and called a terrible person. i people please to avoid conflict, because i have been surrounded by toxic individuals my. entire. life. maybe in a way it is a bit selfish for me to people please, because i’m trying to reserve my sanity & my energy because i am constantly being thrown into the lake anytime i say the word no or stick up for myself. so thanks
I also am offended and am not often but I’m just autistic
That's an oddly judgmental title imo, a lot of people pleasers are that way because of their past trauma and/or fear of getting hurt. Just wanted to say, the choice of words could be a bit damaging for some, but I'm no expert of course
So... Basically, I'm a selfish bitch for enjoying helping others?
Or, not me but, being worried about being considered a "selfish bitch"?
the title says “three reasons” yet you are kind enough to provided a bonus of two additional reasons.
It's very insensitive to call people who stress so much about pleasing others and not disappointing them their whole lives selfish
You missed the point entirely
@@_madame_sene Uhm. Ok. You could've been a bit more specific or detailed with your criticism of my comment otherwise you just come across as rude not gonna lie (not saying you are but I'm just saying it kinda sounds insulting when you don't even explain why I'm wrong sorry)
honestly, i really enjoyed this video and it made me feel understood, so when i opened the comments i was surprised. but reading more of them and thinking of how my people pleasing friend would respond, i understood the other side of things as well. i myself use to be a really bad people pleaser, i say bad because i was constantly giving up my own self worth to fill up other people's just so im not alone. until i grew out of it and realized i do have self worth and it is important. i made a friend, who is essentially, a people pleaser. and i love her and she is amazing, but ever since being friends with her ive felt like she was there but was never really there, like it just felt like she was just trying to figure out whats the most best positive response. but i don't want a sugar coat, i just want the funny realistic gal i know she can be as i see it in her with our other friends. which i don't want to use against her as entirely but i did wish she could understand she can just breath with me, especially since she people pleases with everyone and knows it and is basically publicly proud about it. although that’s not the thing that bothers me the most tho, the thing that bothers me the most is that she always posts stuff about how she loves when someone gives all their attention to her, or when someone invites her on a last minute adventure, or when someone posts about her on their social media, etc etc. its always "i like this i like that i want that", and never "what does the other person like", you know it would also be nice to be thought in a similar way too. i always give a call, but never get a call back. and i don’t want to sound like im doing these things to get something in return, no. i genuinely do care about her and want to hear from her, but if i don’t call or message her then we would probably never speak again. and her excuse is "im scared to reach out because i feel like im bothering them". literally the other day i overheard her and her other friend talking and her friend was saying how she realizes that she always reaches out to her but my friend is never reaching out to her. and her response was "im trying". anyway.. what im trying to say is that this comforted me as a person with a people pleasing friend, rather than actually being the people pleaser
I thought people pleasers were empaths? You have to remember that a lot of people have been brought up to treat others with kindness. I am very disappointed in this.
Maybe don't go by statistics on this topic, people pleasing is in a way to look for validation yes. But most of the time it's really just to look out for someone else or just be there for someone, the world is brutal as is.
Psych2Go, as much as I like your content, I didn’t really like this video. I read a lot of the comments in this comment section, and I can agree with what they’re saying about your video. I, like many others, thought that your video was really triggering. Coming from a people pleaser myself, as soon as I read the title, I got really triggered, along with many others. I want to make it clear that not all people pleasers are selfish or do it for attention. We try so hard to make other people happy because we’re afraid of saying no. But this video portrays us as villains, who do this for attention or other selfish reasons. We are already going through enough so calling them selfish is really triggering. I struggle with self-esteem issues, so your video really rubbed me the wrong way.s makes me even more mad is that your channel is literally supposed to be helping people so I don’t know why you would upload a video like this. Very disappointed…
If you see this, please remove the video…
Bro I was abused and I’m actually scared of any conflict. I want to feel safe so this is second nature
I ended up becoming a people pleaser because it felt it was the only way, whenever I would ask for help with how bad my mental health was it would actually start fights, people would get very angry at me for “making them live an abnormal life with my requests” I want to point out that it is NEVER unreasonable to ask someone to quit doing something that is harmful to you, and if they refuse, simply exit stage left, they aren’t worth it
That angler fish analogy was insane. To paint people pleasers as some kind of monstrous species that draws people in to then suck out their validation is messed up.
And that thumbnail is quite misleading.
People pleasers are traumatized individuals that use pleasing as a defense mechanism. The last thing they'd do is use pleasing for sinister reasons. I mean seriously? But having said that, I am not trying to say that people pleasing is a good thing or even a harmless thing because someone does inevitably get hurt and it is the pleaser themselves.
There are no doubt people pleasers that seek validation in their pleasing- of course. After all it is a trauma response, but others may do it to avoid being hurt in any way or to keep anyone else from getting their feelings hurt or all of the above.
All in all people pleasers tend to please others or try to please others at quite the extreme expense of themselves and their own needs.
I can see people pleasing being considered selfish if you consider someone pleasing for the purpose of receiving self validation or to avoid getting hurt in some way, but even then, that's not quite the proper use of the word selfish. Maybe it would be if the person is using pleasing to gain something at the expense of the other person but then would that even be people pleasing?
Now don't get me wrong, I am not advocating for people pleasing because it is damaging to whoever practices it, it is unhealthy and it leads one to believe other people's reactions and emotions are within your control and/or your responsibility when the truth is the utter opposite.
You should know that people pleasing doesn't guarantee that you will be liked. It does not guarantee that you will be safe, and it ONLY harms you in the end. It can make you seem disingenuous and fake. If you are constantly sacrificing yourself, others can find it exhausting to ne around you, and it is ultimately unfair to you to feel the need to constantly be a kind of foot stool for others.
People pleasing can be selfish but a people pleaser is not inherently a selfish person for people pleasing. You can people please for selfish reasons but that does not make you yourself selfish, it just means that you are misguided in your need for validation and safety.
If you are a people pleaser that does not make you a bad person and you deserve to be free from your fear. You deserve to feel like you can put yourself first. You deserve to know that you do not deserve nor need to sacrifice anything of yourself for anyone.
I think the description of the video and the message at the end of this video is what should have been expressed in the video instead of this "people pleasers are actually diabolical" nonsense.
not to mention fawning, which is a fear response!
I think this is something that we have all been guilty of at least once in our lives but brining it to our attention is why I love this channel. I always feel like I finish a video more self aware and informed ❤
this video is bs
People pleasers do such because they’re afraid of disapproval, and where here can I see that?
For once i'm disappointed in this channel.
People pleasing is not, and has never been selfish. People pleasing is quite literally the *opposite* of selfish. I'm a people pleaser and I have not once thought about pleasing others for my own gain. People pleasers do it for *other* peoples gain. They may subconsciously have themselves in mind, but it's not in a "selfish" way. It's built off of fear and anxiety, not about self-gain or gratification.
Yes, people pleasing is not a good thing and shouldn't be treated as such. It's often a trauma response or a way to deal with or cope with certain mental disorders. But people pleasing is not selfish, and while some people might people please for selfish reasons, making a large generalization like this is damaging and harmful.
ah good another video calling traumatized people selfish, how fun...
*I have read the description btw, please don’t tell me to read it*
I don’t usually comment on these videos, i will try my best to phrase it well.
This feels off, pysch2go usually doesn’t post stuff like this. I don’t really have a big understanding but this feels kijda harmful..
Also this was postsd at a bad time. Was called selfosh earlier today.
I have anxiety and autism, despite this i try my best, fricking up in wchool for god knows why. I just don’t understand this.
I help others because it makes *them* happy. Not because it makes me happy.
This is a bordering on victim blaming. You guys might have missed the mark with this one.
It doesn’t do what’s described in the description box either. There’s no information in the video about how to set boundaries or be more assertive. The video just says “you’re a people pleaser because you’re selfish.”
This is -bordering on- victim blaming.
Remember when psych2go used to empower victims of abuse and actively worked to justify behaviors like people pleasing as a valid response to emotional neglect?
Not sure when we decided to just start shaming victims for the coping mechanisms YOU ALL referred to as trauma responses in your previous videos, but go off i guess.
Edit: This video has some valid points that are absolutely worth discussing, i just hate the click baity set up of it all. You completely self undermine the truth of this video with the needlessly inflammatory language displayed in the title.
People pleasing is a legit trauma response and this bullshit video can genuinely be harmful.
Pschyc2go I never had a problem with a video of yours until now. I'm a people pleaser and it sucks, always being worried you'll be replaced if you can't help someone, feeling like they don't fully care about you, putting them above your mental health. It's not being selfish, tons of people who are people pleasers do this cause they're scared thet they'll be selfish, we want to help but anxiety is what makes us carful about what we say, we want to help them but it's a constant battle about what can i do to show them I care so they don't get rid of me, what can I do so that I can learn to depend on them if needed. Even with my best friends I can't say no to them cause I'm scared they'll not want to be friends. So no, we're not selfish, we're anxious and need to be told how we can try to learn to stand up for our selves and stuff like this video doesn't help, it makes us feel worse. Sorry if this doesn't make to much sense I'm going off of me experience and it's also late when I'm typing this. Thanks for listening to my rant.