I asked the question about disorganized attachement. Your answer made me feel so validated and understood. Basically everything you said about me being left on my own as a child and being scared rang true to me. I wasn't aware of that before. Thank you so much, Kati.
I experienced this same kind of neglect as a child (like so many others in Gen X, I guess?). But I have never heard of Disorganized Attachment till now. This explains so much for me! I crave solitude as if it is the air I breathe. I have always related this to being alone so much as a child - but now I have a clearer picture of it all. Thank you for the question! and for the answer Kati. I never have acknowledged how scared I must have felt (although there were episodes of abandonment that were very scary). I had to stop the video to cry when this realization hit me. I feel so sad for my younger self and how that experience affected my entire life and sense of self. I have been over-parenting my children for 18 years, trying to make up for the lack of parenting I had. Wish I had understood this years ago! It also seems that maybe this epidemic of "helicopter" or over involved parents that has actually also not been good for kids now, has been a reaction to the under-parenting of Gen X? I'm sure this has been hypothesized before, but it feels worth mentioning.
@@andreamom911still a WONDERFUL and useful video...HOWEVER I believe that she certainly forgets that ON AVERAGE big pharma causes MORE problems than it solved in this area. Reasons being IMO are that it is 75% setup for THE MONEY, and only 25% setup for the people (health). We get this SAME greed stat in many other areas such as the so-called free press (news). All you have to do verify this is check out the MANY hundreds of thousands of factual reports from people who have experienced what this causes. It ALMOST reminds me off all the people who are either FOR or AGAINST (pendulum swings) something like psychic abilities. You get all the people for it FORGETTING that there are like half a zillions scammers out there preying on the vulnerable. Then you get the opposite sides of the camp stating how there are zero supernatural things anywhere in existence. That it is all pure impossible. When you have ENOUGH experience to see BOTH these sides for what they are (half truths contain full lies btw) you can then come to the PROPER understanding of what the supernatural is like. It is like DIAMONDS to coal...plenty of coal around everywhere, yet you have to search diligently to locate diamonds. This talk while I am going to listen to MORE of it, kind of reminds me a little of that...how they seem to forget how many people get DECIMENATED by all the trash chemicals that big phama markets, and all the super shills that push this stuff on others for financial gain! Big pharma CAN SURELY save lives, and is an important aspect of society, yet if it was even a 50/50 balance for money and health it would be BETTER than how we have it currently setup...and of coarse THIS is an area where a 75% for the people/health and 25% for the money would surely be appropriate instead of this reciprocal of it that we have today. Thank you for listening, etc.
I also have never heard of disorganized attachment. Overall I always thought I had a childhood that others envied--stay at home mom and hardworking caring father. However, as adulthood progressed into my 30s, I kept feeling bitter about aspects of my childhood. I always knew I was "parentified" even though my mom was around most of the time. She was inconsistent with any rules/discipline. Not always mentally/emotionally there. She was definitely "parentified" herself and basically raised her youngest sister. I didn't feel abused or anything, just figured I had to do my part for the family. But as an adult my emotions are often complex and contradictory when it comes to attachment. If I can't talk out where boundaries are in a relationship I get frustrated and shut down. Hubby doesn't always have the patience for me to process out loud. I will have to try this framing and see if it fits.
I hide how bad I am doing so I don't end up in the hospital. I feel I can't trust anyone to help me work through them. I am tarafide of losing my kids to the abusive father because he hides it so well to make me look crazy. I have cptsd, BPD, anxiety, and depression. I was harmed in every way you can be as a child. And even now, I am alone. I have no one.😊
Ur not alone .. although I had a wonderful childhood I'm an only child and I have a bipolar emotionally Financial abusive husband.. I wake up short of breath in panic mode I know menopause and cortisol have a lot to do with a lot of things but I can't work I'm injured until I need two hip replacements, after being an ICU RN for 23 years I can't get disability or anyone to freaking help me just get out of the situation
I’m so sorry for how you feel. You’re not truly alone ever, but I know that isn’t helpful when you really need a helping hand. There are people who you can trust, I believe you will find that person, please hold onto that hope.
Recently learned of “maladaptive daydreaming.” Didn’t know there was a name for it. Didn’t realized that living in my fictional worlds has been safe, has been sabotaging. I’m just this moment considering that it is self harm. I’m 62. I have ADHD, bipolar, depression. I’m half heartedly trying to become “present” and “grounded.” When I can overcome the inertia, friction and start doing something, it’s easy to continue in motion.
According to my therapist I have disorganized attachement. Then again, I'm in therapy for C-PTSD. But during inner child work we've focused a lot on the small child not feeling safe, that the feeling of unsafety began already at a basic attachement level. So thank you, Kati, for bringing it up. Now I understand it better.
Q 7 person here: Thank you for answering this question and helping me sort through my shame and anxiety with flashbacks. It will help to replay this when I start to feel bad for having flashbacks. ❤
Oh my gosh, listening to your question I was getting just as mad as Katie at that therapist!!!!! WTF ow awful! I'm glad you found a new therapist. Lots of love your way!
Agree with Kati and the other commenter who responded here. Your old therapist was absolute garbage and has no business being a therapist. So proud of you for having the courage to find a new therapist and keep trying. Best of luck to you in your efforts to heal.
It's so weird how when I think I have issues and need therapy I hear about someone who's been abused and then I think "Nah, I can do this on my own! I don't need ANYONE" Lather, rinse, repeat. And then I'm back on therapy channels all over again trying to figure it all out, get a sense of accomplishment and then come back later when my thoughts get "intrusive." I've never been abused yet I struggle with these things, wtf.
I find it interesting that you say you have never been abused because abuse doesn't always take on in just a physical way. I say this from the perspective of suppressing my own traumas & burying the truth in my subconscious for years. I don't know you, only you have the answers for you. It's just something to chew on. Your gravitational pull towards the therapy may be telling you something. The emotions you have are trying to tell you something... Maybe ask yourself what that could be coming from?
I have Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety. I am paralysed from doing things that NEED to be done (even self care) but I haven't lost the love of doing things that I love, I just don't do the latter (only do my craft during hospital admissions) because so overwhelmed with important to do list not getting done. This fear to start leads into severe anxiety (or is it the other way round). I have treatment resistant Depression and that includes trying more than 10 meds, countless therapy programs, EFT, TMS . There is no help and no end to my suffering. What is worse, I know all the things I should be doing to raise dopamine plus coping strategies but I CAN NOT / won't do them. I think living alone and being isolated with no-one in my life is a major factor I can't find the energy to do even the tiniest steps. I do not have ADHD so your theory of depression is probably spot on Katie. I so wish I could find peace 😢
I find I talk myself out of starting things, sometimes because I am clumsy. Always have been but that may be from impulsivity at times too. Also, trying to slow my actions is exhausting but When I do so I accomplish a lot more.
It's the first time my question was answered (two actually!). Not only did I get insight from you Kati, but it also made me feel included in the community. Thank you!
17:56 I’d like to propose the point that any therapist, coach, mentor of any kind who is not also seeing someone for guidance is not being ethical. I wouldn’t have the same level of trust for a person who had lost interest in continuing to develop themselves, but felt at liberty to help me develop.
I’d never heard the term disorganized attachment but it was awesome to learn about it from you. I was also a kid left on my own a lot. In many ways it was cool and fun. But not always, many nights putting myself to bed and hearing every creak in the house, etc. Thank you
no one ever put me to bed. didn't have a bed time really either. i've always wondered about that lack of structure and what it meant. funny how when you're talking to the right people things start to make sense
For anyone who, like me, really relates to the first question, I’d highly recommend looking up “The Impossible Task” by Sarah Edwards. Reading that was the first time in over a year that I had any kind of clarity. Also, thank you Kati! This episode touched on so many things that were so relevant to me. Especially Q1, Q2, and Q3!
I could have easily written the first question here, and your initial answer is not hooking me, but I'm going to keep listening and see if it comes together. I have had severe depression before, and now my problem with starting things seems directly tied to anxiety about getting them correct, not about my depression anymore. I'll keep listening and see if things start to make sense.
Another helpful thing if you’re having trouble taking your meds is having an accountibili-buddy. If you know to take your pills (issue is not forgetting (use a timer)) but just not wanting to for whatever reason, call your trusted friend or family member that knows what you’re going through so y’all can talk about it and this person can rationalize/calm the situation and put it back into perspective for you and talk it out how the medication is helping so you don’t miss your dose. It will also give an outside looking in as well; maybe the meds aren’t doing good for you after a month or so and you got someone that notices it too so you know you’re not going crazy, and you can go to your dr and get an adjustment/switch. Good luck!
Familiar with ADHD, depression and anxiety. Lately I have been retraining myself to just get started with no expectation to finish if I feel I can’t. I use to tend to wait until I felt like doing whatever it is I wanted to do. But, I’m finding just getting started is many times all I need to keep going. Sure, there are times I start a task and don’t complete it and in those cases I just say ok, you tried. Maybe next time.Not the end of the world.
I appreciate learning new words and phrases that describe different conditions. I never heard the term "anhedonia" before, but I certainly recognized the symptoms. I also appreciated how transparent and vulnerable you were at the 16:45-minute mark when you talked about your own therapy journey. There is a somewhat-related adage that started showing up in print in 19th century England that went, "A man who is own lawyer has a fool for a client." Being healthy yourself and working through it with another professional ensures that you are at your best when it's time to engage with clients. Going to therapy, establishing boundaries, and having outside interests helps prevent isolation and stagnation.
Hi Kati, I just came across your podcast, so glad I did! The title, "Why is it so hard for me to do things?" is EXACTLY the question I have! Thank you for explaining what ADHD is... l believe I definitely have some of those traits. And on another note, I think it's a good thing that you see a therapist. It's like going to a drug/alcohol therapist that has never been addicted. I trust what you say. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your journey. You have helped me so much help my daughter with sexual abuse. Ignore people who disagree with you. You do great work for so many of us.❤❤
In grad school, I had myself tested for ADD (it was a very competitive program and I was having issues and focus and avoidance). It was negative, no ADHD/ADD. Years later (approaching Medicare eligibility age) and I've been diagnosed with complex PTSD and anxiety d/o NOS. Clutter has been a serious problem since they gave me & the sis with NPD our own rooms (i finally went no contact after our parents both passed away and live nearly 2K miles away). I'm doing a lot of exposure/CBT these days under the care of a trauma specialist psychologist and it is uncomfortable AF, but I know it's the gauntlet I need to run to get this managed and improve my quality of life. The clutter will take a while, but I'm chipping away.
Where I live, getting a true diagnosis is almost impossible. Yes, we do have medical coverage in Canada. However, the wait time to get an appointment to see a psychiatrist is, I believe, over a year now. The only therapy I can get is "peer" counseling, which is great because she's had very similar upbringing to me. I know I'm a mess, but I appear to be "okay". I'm very withdrawn, so no one knows how messed up I truly am. If I were to diagnose myself, I would say I have C-PTSD, anxiety disorder, disorganized attachment, fear of being in public, etc. Without a diagnosis, it's impossible to be taken seriously.
I have dissociation with flashbacks, my previous therapist threatened to end my therapy with her if I wouldn't come back faster from flashbacks. She did other stuff I found about later were unethical. I'm happy she is not my therapist anymore, but I still haven't found a new trauma specialist.
You are awesome Katie. I would expect every therapist to have a therapist because of how dark trauma energy can be. It is a difficult job you have chosen but you are extremely good at it and I hope your own therapy continues to help you.
The one thing that really gets to me is the fact that I am stuck with the me that I am and have been. I wish I could find someone else to blame this on but there is no one. I have issues and the latest is "why bother".
@CharlieBass What you're describing sounds like textbook depression. When I'm in it, my brain tells me it's always been that way. Even if it really has always been that way for you, it doesn't mean you're stuck. Taking one small step after another is often the path out of darkness. Wishing you well!❤
@@bellaluce7088 hey thanks for the info and encouragement. I need to start doing a better job of talking to myself, less negative. Have you heard of Bruce Lipton?
This first question made a lot of sense to me! Thanks, Kati! My psychiatrist changed my meds cuz she thought I was having a hypomanic episode but now I'm not being able to do anything since I stopped taking antidepressants.
For the person who has the sleep problems, I have non 24 and I didn’t sleep at all during the sleep study. I suggest keep graphs and use a Apple Watch or oura ring etc to track your sleep so you can go in with the evidence. I was diagnosed with a years worth of graphs, also ask if they can give you an actigraphy watch.
Make sure it's OK to crush your meds before you try that method. Some meds (especially time-released or long acting meds) should *not* be broken or crushed. Another idea of a way to take meds: my 7 yo grandson takes his meds with chocolate pudding. Works like a charm!
For those of you, struggling with phobias there’s a technique that’s incredibly powerful, and yet gentle. It’s called EFT or emotional freedom technique. There are a lot of studies to support its effectiveness. Having experienced both, I would say, it’s much better than exposure therapy.
Out of love for all of you, I just want to say, that you are loved by your Maker Jesus and having a relationship with Him gives us a solid identity, purpose, and Friend who makes us feel seen and heard because He knows us perfectly and can help us perfectly. “ Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. “
I cannot escape images of those past harsh things in my mind. It is like I want to go back in time and correct them/counteract those who disturbed me/revoke all the good I did and said for those who wronged me as payment! I'm talking about family members. It is as if I'm locked in those fractions of past times forever.. English is my second language 🌺
I recently began learning about ADHD and things that people who have ADHD do and so many of them have just described me and the things I do for forever. I have been told that I am lazy and that I don't care enough to try hard enough 😢 on the one hand I feel like this is amazing and I hope I can find the help that I need but on the other hand I have been told these things for so long I don't feel like diagnosing myself with ADHD gives me any kind of a pass in life.. 😕
Thank you Kati. I recently discovered your channel and your comments make so much sense. Ive been in therapy & taking antidepressants for many years. I've been called a parentified child. They work ...up to a point. I've recently been taking levodopa for Parkinson's, so my dopamine was quite depleted. Im in therapy, workig on mindfulness practice. I'm struggling with isolation....made worse during the pandemic. Thanks for talking about intellectualizing and about your experience with your own therapy. Much respect.
I have ADD and besides the usual challenges with this executive functioning disorder of impulsivity, working memory, time blindness, and lack of the mines eye, and the mines voice, I’ve learned that we cannot be impulsive in our actions, and not be impulsive in our emotions, because the two are connected. Although my emotional impulsivity usually goes to anger, I also struggle with depression and completing an activity. I’ve started. This is a classic symptom of people with ADD and ADHD. Once we have started an activity, it is extremely difficult for us to return to it and completed. Please know you are not alone.
Thanks Kati! I relate to a lot of what you discuss here and it's really helpful. edit: oh and something really strange: I am from Poland like one person mentioned here and I have felt this same wall my whole life. I know exactly what that person is talking about.
Also look into dorsal vagus nerve collapse/shutdown. I have that. The symptoms are almost exactly in line with depression. Caused by being stuck in freeze mode. Hard to get out of without somatic therapy, vagus nerve regulating practices over a period of time.
100 percent. BPD, Anxiety, bipolar 2, body dysmorphia, depression, complex PTSD, ADHD, and perfectionism split personality make everything so overwhelming. Lack of interest. I love dissociation it's automatic. I stop breathing unconsciously. And start to live on autopilot. I actually don't know who I am anymore or if I ever have. 35 plus years of therapy and I am not getting better. Who am I? The shoulds make me self-sabotage every time I make progress.My emotions control me not the other way around. 3 suicide attempts and self-mutilations followed but I now understand that that equates to hospitalization. Now I isolate and have zero interest in anything anymore. So much loss and change is so scary. I feel so much grief about the life I feel I would be living right now. I have trust issues and attachment disorder too. I was also so told that I am very intuitive. So if I know better why am I still not evolving? I have lived through multiple phases of trauma still to date. Sexual abuse, mental and physical abuse and of course the mental judgments and abuse I put myself through. Maybe I am terrified to get better because again I have to change into someone I don't know. It feels like drowning and can't reach the top. Is this why I unconsciously hold my breath. I can't seem to stay focused in therapy, I jump from experience to experience and in an hour I have brought up at least 8 different topics and we get nowhere. Yesterday I learned that I will be losing 3 family memebers to illness in less than a year. I am scared to death how I am go to manage this crisis alone and be there for my step daughter because I have a tendency to internalize and take on all that pain.
Also friends, consider nutritional therapy… look into detoxification and rejuvenation and Brain glandulars from companies like Heart and Soil. Healthy tissue from animals enhances our tissue! Experiment and see if it helps!
I had a therapist I was appointed to after getting out of the mental hospital and the first session he wrote down a book title and said everything I will say is in that book so you don’t need to come to me then spent the rest of that time and the next session trying to get me to go to the bar and help him pick up girls, no joke. It kept me away from therapy for a long time and I wasn’t working on myself so it and my actions destroyed my relationship. I’m getting back into therapy because something needs to change or I won’t last much longer
Sometimes perfectionism isn't just perfectionism, it's one of many symptoms of OCPD. Lack of motivation also can be as rightly said Depression, or chronic fatigue, or symptoms of CPTSD.
I dont have depression. I have ptsd, GAD, adhd, OCD, & rare severe wave panic attacks. I am a survivor of two suicides in my immediate family. One was silent & my brother was bipolar.
I was SO organized when I was my "family's slave" Good God...I am now poverty stricken from "family" theft and ex husband... I was injured by a CRIMINALLY NEGLIGENT EMPLOYER...and the crippling has returned the last 6 years...I am exhausted just trying to keep up with regular tasks... Thank you for this discussion..
I've been in therapy for years. When I complained about not being able to do things, it was always blamed on my depression. I was finally diagnosed with autism at the age of 48 last year. My executive functioning sucks. Autism and ADHA co-occur at a high rate. I'm very disappointed that you were a typical therapist, Katie.
Question 2 reminded me of something I heard someone say in AA: "All the knowledge of step 1 (admitting being powerless over alcohol) never stopped me from picking up a drink."
I struggle with showering too, the things that help me the most are: listening to music or podcasts in the bathroom a few mins beforehand and also during the shower, having someone there to talk to during or in the next room, washing my sheets and bedding beforehand (I therefore want to keep them clean and being clean myself and having the clean sheets feels really good), also choosing out a clean outfit that I'm excited to wear, sometimes even changing up and doing a face mask, using a different soap or shampoo can for some reason help my brain get more motivated to have the shower, also having a reward for yourself afterwards that you only allow yourself to do if you complete the task. I'm sorry that you're struggling with this, it is so difficult.
@@wandering0wonderland These are great tips, thank you! I learned during the pandemic that my capacity to not bathe is practically infinite! ; - D Wet wipes have been my savior, and I've always used witch hazel to clean my face even when I used to shower daily. I was using dry shampoo for a while too, but switched to hats when I go out.
I thought I was only one with this. It's far more than a month. Over a year. I do the wipes too but I don't get it, it literally happened overnight: literally. Went from showers daily, clean sheets, clean clothes, enjoying all of it, enjoying lotions, cosmetics, doing my hair. Then one day I woke up and never did any of these things again.
I used to pretend everything was okay, even when it wasn’t. I was really good at hiding my feelings. Unfortunately, I’ve lost that ability, and people are noticing that something’s wrong. Now, I just withdraw. I don’t want to engage with the world anymore.
Sometimes crushing pill is bad so check with your doctors first. Either they won’t work, they burn on the way down, or the body absorbs all of it vs the time release that was originally intended and they can create lots of issues.
I have been in therapy for over 40 years, im now 59. I have CPTSD, BPD, ED, APD. plus a multitude of others. I am now exhausted with therapy as i feel that after all this time, i really dont feel its helped that much. I cannot do EMDR as i dissociate and antidepressants make me hyper/manic. I realise that i freeze in the morning or when ive got to do something/anything. The loneliness is escalating so fast at the moment i can almost touch it...
Lack of motivation and anhedonia for me is a lifelong trend. Can't help but think it's that I've acclimatised and regulated to boredom. Growing up as an autistic girl surrounded by neurotypical bullies just beat the hope out of me that I'd ever have a fulfilling stimulating life.
Thanks so much for your ideas on the sleep test. It's not for sleep apnea. It's for my rare sleep disorder that causes me to sleep too much. I already had this testing done to diagnose me in childhood but parent doesnt know where so that I can get the report. Ever since I've been old enough to understand it is a 20 min timed test of naps in the day it has felt like a lot of pressure, but you had some helpful ideas with pressure points I hadn't thought of. I sleep too much in the daytime despite excellent quality and duration of sleep at night and can't seem to maintain wakefulness (of course unless I'm anxious about falling asleep in the 20 min in the sleep lab lol)
I was in Special Ed in high school: Sophomore/Junior Years. One of the teachers would give me contradictory information and get upset with me when I didn't do what she wanted; I didn't know, on top of that: on her timeline: very rigid and perfectionistic. She screwed up Sophomore year. I have mild to moderate learning disabilities, which I was blamed for. Mom said the cord was wrapped around my neck at birth; cutting off the oxygen. Not my fault. I've had learning disabilities all my life. It was obvious since elemetary school. I asked for help with math: the teacher would switch from vertical to horizontal addition without a reason. When I said so, she apologized and said she could not help me because she did not have the time. I would have stayed in during recess for the help; No luck there. Surreal! I dealt with the math problem. Some of the other teachers blamed me, too. I left the program because it was largely negative, 1980/81. I was expected to fail to back up their inaccurate expectations(unreasonable ones, too). I hated their insistence on perfectionism, on their timeline, convenience, only. I have some ADHD. Why was I blamed for having learning disabilities? Some of these teachers acted as if I was delibertely making their lives difficult. I didn't! I was always wrong, at fault, according to the teachers. I got out of the program and did much better. It wasn't the program, just certain teachers/administrators.
Trying to figure out.. Hoping this is latest AKA and next AKA questions will be picked out here!! One of my million questions: I don’t feel comfortable talking about my journey but it is pretty complicated. Currently reading Trauma and Recovery from Judith Herman. Also went through her book for group therapies where she stresses the importance of being nurtured by parents/caregivers when child, otherwise we are susceptible to being harmed-due to lack of judgment. Harm in this case is, anything from a victim of domestic abuse to sexual assault and even worse. Poor judgement is probably, trusting the untrustworthy people, not seeing the red flags or seeing but not identifying as threats. (Personal note: some people might’ve seen them as red flags but they may feel too familiar/comforting to some of us!!) ok.. here’s the question: WHY do we need the nurturing as a child really? What it does to us? And when we don’t receive it what happens to us? Thank you 🙏 ❤
I can only answer for myself, but what made sense to me in therapy was that being neglected made me feel like I couldn't rely on anyone for basic needs, and it set me up to feel like nobody really loved me or cared about me. That led to me avoiding loving relationships because I was so afraid of rejection, abandonment, and insincerity (ie "you don't really care about me, you're only being kind because you feel obligated or because you want something from me"). At the same time, not getting the love and nurturing I needed as a baby/child made me desperately want it, which made me more "needy" and "clingy." Being desperate for love while simultaneously being terrified of accepting it due to being terrified of losing it is pretty darn awful. So this led to a lot of very casual/promiscuous relationships, since I could feel wanted without fearing rejection, since it was only one night anyway. I also became a people pleaser because I wanted people to like me, and I had a hard time with "self care." I was always doing everything for others, even when I was already strained beyond capacity, but not for myself. Then on top of that, I never learned how to identify and work through problems and emotions, so I always bottled everything up until I eventually exploded. I never learned how to set boundaries and never learned that stating my own needs was ok. I wanted to please everyone, while I also wanted to avoid everyone, while I also couldn't effectively communicate what I needed or what the problem was. Relationships were hard, employment was hard... I could go on and on.
Rejection came from my Dad, his family(not all members); who think/thought they know everything, or are allegedly perfect. Everyone else is unworthy. Their problem/their blame. Not my fault!
Yes, i have adhd, now i have lost my beloved ragdollcat my depression is worse, i have been taking extra vivanse to feel better, to give me energy, since the grief I have been unwell with implant tooth, pain and can't eat properly and yesterday i had nil energy and sore throat, today i have migraine and gum is hurting, i want to get going but i am disregulated, crying all the time, i want. my cat back!
Kati Kati, how I wish I could come to you for face to face therapy ... I lost my faith here in Belgium. I need help. Had a mental breakdown today. I cried, I froze ... I think I´m 8 years home with depression and burnout, that´s what they said back then. Been diagnosed with ADHD since, but don´t have faith in that diagnose ... I believe there is something else or more wrong with me. I need help but am scared to find it because lost my ttrust in those people. Seen so many, wel 4 or 5 that is ... and it never helped me ... I´m lost and want to make something out of my life. Pffff
Why dont therapists ever explain like this? Why am I always expected to know what’s going on? It’s almost like I am supposed to be the therapist myself, they just sit there and watch my cry.
"I'm doing this for a reason and what is that reason?" - wow, I like that approach. You talk a lot about 'risk' as a hindrance to getting things started, but what about the expected lack of reward? Is there a way to make things more rewarding, so that taking the risk actually pays off?
Thanks so much for this. I just came across this and you're awesome! This is like talking to a friend; not being talked "at" by a stuffy know-it-all. New sub❣️
I’m sorry I don’t usually interact with people especially not on here. I’m 40 I’m pretty sure I’ve had add or ADHD or squirrel brain or “what the h*** is wrong with you?” I’m cantgetright and I have been having hard time controlling my emotions the older I get but I’m reaching out cause when you were listing the self talk topics I kinda burst into tears. I’m crying and shaking right now why? I’m so sick of feeling
I can’t find the energy to eat and I feel afraid to go outside and I never used to be a fearful person before violence disabled me. I’ve had a lot of treatment but I say this is the worst stuff I’ve ever been possibly because of the intense isolation and how long I’ve been isolated. There aren’t many therapists up here I’m a retired disabled psychologist myself for all the good it does me💔
I have a lot of problems. I’m finding this podcast helpful. I need help but I’m not sure about talk therapy. I’ve done it wh n I was younger but it didn’t help me because I wasn’t even aware of a lot of things I am now. I had been going on and off a couple years in my teens and in my 20’s. I just wrote a list today of long term goals and a list of daily goals to work towards the long term goals. I’m a hoarder, I have RA, high blood pressure and I have binge eating disorder. I’m not functioning, but I’m taking steps and I’m beginning to work through my clutter from my hoarding
Why haven't ANY of my healthcare practitioners explained any if this to me OR helped me with this?!? This is exactly what Ive been struggling with for years now. Well, part of it, but a it's a big part!
I was once told (by a person from my high school) that I was ‘the most fickle person he had ever met’. I was shocked at the time, I had no idea I came across that way. I have since realised I’m FA / Disorganised so it makes sense.
Thanks for your feedback. You asked for a follow-up on question 1. I listened with an open mind to see if you had a perspective that rang true even though I have specifically been assessed as not depressed repeatedly. I am beyond lucky. I'm am not sad or unmotivated in the slightest, quite the opposite. I apply for opportunities regularly and go out to the doctor consistently and laugh having so much fulfillment every day socially in my volunteering with friends. I don't feel any helplessness or hopelessness. I feel purpose. What I was trying to share is these tasks I can't get started are *so* emotionally (not just cognitively) important and motivating to me that my brain goes offline from emotional overwhelm to the point of I can't speak or formulate thoughts. My interest is exceptionally strong and I've never lost interest in the things I enjoy. The moment I even think about the task, I physiologically go into an autistic shut down from the anxiety in my body of how deeply interested I am in this. I get confused about what I want to say when I think about it because my brain just nope nope nopes into freeze and dissociated mode. I don't have words and can't think of them for what I want to say, so I go nonverbal and I just freeze paralyzed in fear because I so badly care and have the drive to start but my brain shuts down and won't allow it the moment I try to think of the first step. I'm extremely pro-social volunteering every day laughing day in and day out with the most amazing friends I could dream of. I have no alteration in my appetite, and I'm not irritable or angry. I don't feel down on myself. I was trying to express that the care has deepened SO much that I shut down, very, very contrary to the losing interest in the things I used to enjoy, I've gained it and it is to a point of too much interest that I can't even keep my brain online long enough to form a thought. I'm not fatigued and I feel more than worthy of saying my words. My words feel too important but brain goes offline the moment I try to formulate them. I am socially very confident in myself and in holding true to my beliefs and values. That said, I think the energy level is a possible factor in that I have a severe sleep disability since infancy (not mimicking any form of depression type sleep issues because I am not fatigued and I am always driven to have a full vibrant day). In my brain it feels like PTSD and in my body it feels like fire from the anxious overwhelm to the point of shutdown. Feels like driven firey passion but it gets stuck in overdrive in the firey passion loop that my system overheats and shuts down in the loading phase. I don't know if my distinction here is helpful clarity to move to agreement on no depression but my gut says that doesn't line up with my physiological cues or psychological cues leading up to the struggle to start and I have been in therapy a long time and have no depression per my therapists that I double check with on my diagnoses when they do my assessments. Do you have feedback on the part of my question on how to move forward? I didn't hear that part of my question addressed so maybe it was accidentally cropped or I maybe misunderstood? Thanks.
I wonder if investigating techniques specific to managing overstimulation in autism would help. Also asking what the things you're so excited about mean to you, and if there might be less triggering ways to bring that into your life.
42:00 trouble swallowing is very often iodine deficiency. The thyroid gland which is located below your tongue is dependent on iodine to produce all thyroid hormones and if it does not get enough iodine to do that it can start to grow in order to compensate for nutritional deficiency which in extreme cases results in a goiter. Look online for other symptoms, everything is not just mental blocks to be bypassed with can-do-it fluff talk.
How can I tell if someone is a safe person to be vulnerable with? I've had someone at work who told me I could tell them anything, any insecurity and we could 'work on it together'. Then he just went and told everyone about my insecurities and that I'm not fit for the job. I can't think of red flags I've missed, but there might have been some I just wasn't sure to look for? And I'm not sure how to undo the damage with others now. Thanks :)
Same thing. And to person above me, I know you mean well & appreciate you're trying, but it's never that simple. I can know what you're saying is true, I can work the whole thing out, but it doesn't make any difference. Nothing has helped.
Maybe I'm a miss-mash but I'm in my mid 50s, I grew up in a dysfunctional home (dad bipolar but not abusive to us kids and our mother was constantly depressed and verbally and physically abusive to us - smacking us and telling us we were worthless on a daily basis until at 20 I left and came to Europe (still here 35 years on). I am a terrible procrastinator. I seem to only be able to do even the simplest of things, if my back is against the wall (apart from personal hygiene, thank goodness). I don't think I'm actually "depressed" as I'm in a happy marriage (second) of 15 years and I'm perfectly aware of how lucky I am. I just don't understand why I can't get things done! I think of all the tasks I must do, get so overwhelmed, and then sit on the couch kind of "spaced out" (when I'm alone). I "activate" when I know my husband will be home at such and such a time so then that gives me (I suppose) the much-needed dopamine rush to get things done. Currently, I am TRYING to do an online Python course (front end developer) but I can't even FORCE myself. Ugh ! I am wondering if I should try that rapid eye movement technique to snap me out of this inertia ?? And getting back to your hypothesis of depression : I genuinely don't think that I am as I am SO grateful and happy for my relationship and our 9 year old daughter.... I just wish I knew how to STOP this horrible procrastination !
They talk about the self-fulfilling prophecy like if we think we can't or can do something, we may directly or indirectly make it true, but does anyone feel like when they think negatively, you have good results or positive things happen?
Another sleep suggestion: ask them to lower the thermostat. They have the world’s hardest, most uncomfortable beds, but damn! They can at least make it cold.
if im honest with myself i dont really want to do much. i like mostly to be in bed sleeping, dreaming, day dreaming, watching or listening to youtube. but i have to do things so i dont become homeless. but yeah if its up to me i rather mostly stay in bed. maybe take a walk every once in a while.
![[#2024MAMA] ROSÉ (로제), Bruno Mars - APT. | Mnet 241122 방송](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/dgGqD28J6aQ/mqdefault.jpg)
I asked the question about disorganized attachement. Your answer made me feel so validated and understood. Basically everything you said about me being left on my own as a child and being scared rang true to me. I wasn't aware of that before. Thank you so much, Kati.
I experienced this same kind of neglect as a child (like so many others in Gen X, I guess?). But I have never heard of Disorganized Attachment till now. This explains so much for me! I crave solitude as if it is the air I breathe. I have always related this to being alone so much as a child - but now I have a clearer picture of it all. Thank you for the question! and for the answer Kati. I never have acknowledged how scared I must have felt (although there were episodes of abandonment that were very scary). I had to stop the video to cry when this realization hit me. I feel so sad for my younger self and how that experience affected my entire life and sense of self. I have been over-parenting my children for 18 years, trying to make up for the lack of parenting I had. Wish I had understood this years ago! It also seems that maybe this epidemic of "helicopter" or over involved parents that has actually also not been good for kids now, has been a reaction to the under-parenting of Gen X? I'm sure this has been hypothesized before, but it feels worth mentioning.
@@andreamom911still a WONDERFUL and useful video...HOWEVER I believe that she certainly forgets that ON AVERAGE big pharma causes MORE problems than it solved in this area. Reasons being IMO are that it is 75% setup for THE MONEY, and only 25% setup for the people (health). We get this SAME greed stat in many other areas such as the so-called free press (news). All you have to do verify this is check out the MANY hundreds of thousands of factual reports from people who have experienced what this causes. It ALMOST reminds me off all the people who are either FOR or AGAINST (pendulum swings) something like psychic abilities. You get all the people for it FORGETTING that there are like half a zillions scammers out there preying on the vulnerable. Then you get the opposite sides of the camp stating how there are zero supernatural things anywhere in existence. That it is all pure impossible. When you have ENOUGH experience to see BOTH these sides for what they are (half truths contain full lies btw) you can then come to the PROPER understanding of what the supernatural is like. It is like DIAMONDS to coal...plenty of coal around everywhere, yet you have to search diligently to locate diamonds. This talk while I am going to listen to MORE of it, kind of reminds me a little of that...how they seem to forget how many people get DECIMENATED by all the trash chemicals that big phama markets, and all the super shills that push this stuff on others for financial gain! Big pharma CAN SURELY save lives, and is an important aspect of society, yet if it was even a 50/50 balance for money and health it would be BETTER than how we have it currently setup...and of coarse THIS is an area where a 75% for the people/health and 25% for the money would surely be appropriate instead of this reciprocal of it that we have today. Thank you for listening, etc.
I also have never heard of disorganized attachment. Overall I always thought I had a childhood that others envied--stay at home mom and hardworking caring father. However, as adulthood progressed into my 30s, I kept feeling bitter about aspects of my childhood. I always knew I was "parentified" even though my mom was around most of the time. She was inconsistent with any rules/discipline. Not always mentally/emotionally there. She was definitely "parentified" herself and basically raised her youngest sister.
I didn't feel abused or anything, just figured I had to do my part for the family. But as an adult my emotions are often complex and contradictory when it comes to attachment. If I can't talk out where boundaries are in a relationship I get frustrated and shut down. Hubby doesn't always have the patience for me to process out loud. I will have to try this framing and see if it fits.
I hide how bad I am doing so I don't end up in the hospital. I feel I can't trust anyone to help me work through them. I am tarafide of losing my kids to the abusive father because he hides it so well to make me look crazy. I have cptsd, BPD, anxiety, and depression. I was harmed in every way you can be as a child. And even now, I am alone. I have no one.😊
Ur not alone .. although I had a wonderful childhood I'm an only child and I have a bipolar emotionally Financial abusive husband.. I wake up short of breath in panic mode I know menopause and cortisol have a lot to do with a lot of things but I can't work I'm injured until I need two hip replacements, after being an ICU RN for 23 years I can't get disability or anyone to freaking help me just get out of the situation
@@Dani-ICU-RNMy heart goes out to you. Sending you positive, healing energy. Please practice extreme self care during this challenging time.
Look up recovery international. Good luck.
I hope you get a genuine friend in your life. Nobody should have to feel completely alone in this life. Praying for your healing.
I’m so sorry for how you feel. You’re not truly alone ever, but I know that isn’t helpful when you really need a helping hand. There are people who you can trust, I believe you will find that person, please hold onto that hope.
I like a therapist that actually has had issues, they relate better.Thank you Kati your knowledge helps me so much.
Yes, definitely!!
Recently learned of “maladaptive daydreaming.” Didn’t know there was a name for it. Didn’t realized that living in my fictional worlds has been safe, has been sabotaging. I’m just this moment considering that it is self harm. I’m 62. I have ADHD, bipolar, depression. I’m half heartedly trying to become “present” and “grounded.” When I can overcome the inertia, friction and start doing something, it’s easy to continue in motion.
According to my therapist I have disorganized attachement. Then again, I'm in therapy for C-PTSD. But during inner child work we've focused a lot on the small child not feeling safe, that the feeling of unsafety began already at a basic attachement level. So thank you, Kati, for bringing it up. Now I understand it better.
Timestamps!
Q1 - 0:55
Q2 - 14:24
Q3 - 27:20
Q4 - 37:05
Q5 - 45:53
Q6 - 51:47
Q7 - 55:30
Q8 - 1:03:48
You are a supernova of goodness in this majestic universe, my friend. 🙌✨ 💫☀️🌚 Thank you, Lemonady.
@@MrBungle900 🥰
Q 7 person here:
Thank you for answering this question and helping me sort through my shame and anxiety with flashbacks. It will help to replay this when I start to feel bad for having flashbacks. ❤
Oh my gosh, listening to your question I was getting just as mad as Katie at that therapist!!!!! WTF ow awful! I'm glad you found a new therapist. Lots of love your way!
Agree with Kati and the other commenter who responded here. Your old therapist was absolute garbage and has no business being a therapist. So proud of you for having the courage to find a new therapist and keep trying. Best of luck to you in your efforts to heal.
It's so weird how when I think I have issues and need therapy I hear about someone who's been abused and then I think "Nah, I can do this on my own! I don't need ANYONE"
Lather, rinse, repeat. And then I'm back on therapy channels all over again trying to figure it all out, get a sense of accomplishment and then come back later when my thoughts get "intrusive."
I've never been abused yet I struggle with these things, wtf.
I find it interesting that you say you have never been abused because abuse doesn't always take on in just a physical way. I say this from the perspective of suppressing my own traumas & burying the truth in my subconscious for years. I don't know you, only you have the answers for you. It's just something to chew on. Your gravitational pull towards the therapy may be telling you something. The emotions you have are trying to tell you something... Maybe ask yourself what that could be coming from?
I have Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety. I am paralysed from doing things that NEED to be done (even self care) but I haven't lost the love of doing things that I love, I just don't do the latter (only do my craft during hospital admissions) because so overwhelmed with important to do list not getting done. This fear to start leads into severe anxiety (or is it the other way round). I have treatment resistant Depression and that includes trying more than 10 meds, countless therapy programs, EFT, TMS . There is no help and no end to my suffering. What is worse, I know all the things I should be doing to raise dopamine plus coping strategies but I CAN NOT / won't do them. I think living alone and being isolated with no-one in my life is a major factor I can't find the energy to do even the tiniest steps.
I do not have ADHD so your theory of depression is probably spot on Katie. I so wish I could find peace 😢
I find I talk myself out of starting things, sometimes because I am clumsy. Always have been but that may be from impulsivity at times too. Also, trying to slow my actions is exhausting but When I do so I accomplish a lot more.
When I was in graduate school, I learned that every good therapist has their own therapist.Your clients are very lucky to have you helping them.
It's the first time my question was answered (two actually!). Not only did I get insight from you Kati, but it also made me feel included in the community. Thank you!
You _are_ included! Thank you for the questions. We're rooting for you!
@@Marina_7 thank you! That really means a lot 💗
17:56 I’d like to propose the point that any therapist, coach, mentor of any kind who is not also seeing someone for guidance is not being ethical. I wouldn’t have the same level of trust for a person who had lost interest in continuing to develop themselves, but felt at liberty to help me develop.
💙
I’d never heard the term disorganized attachment but it was awesome to learn about it from you. I was also a kid left on my own a lot. In many ways it was cool and fun. But not always, many nights putting myself to bed and hearing every creak in the house, etc. Thank you
no one ever put me to bed. didn't have a bed time really either. i've always wondered about that lack of structure and what it meant. funny how when you're talking to the right people things start to make sense
For anyone who, like me, really relates to the first question, I’d highly recommend looking up “The Impossible Task” by Sarah Edwards. Reading that was the first time in over a year that I had any kind of clarity.
Also, thank you Kati! This episode touched on so many things that were so relevant to me. Especially Q1, Q2, and Q3!
I looked for that book on Amazon, but it’s not there. Is that the correct title and author? Thanks for your reply.
@@hiannahgus574 Issa bella Is the author, I believe.
@@isotope73 it's not, op is referring to an article not a book.
I could have easily written the first question here, and your initial answer is not hooking me, but I'm going to keep listening and see if it comes together. I have had severe depression before, and now my problem with starting things seems directly tied to anxiety about getting them correct, not about my depression anymore. I'll keep listening and see if things start to make sense.
Another helpful thing if you’re having trouble taking your meds is having an accountibili-buddy. If you know to take your pills (issue is not forgetting (use a timer)) but just not wanting to for whatever reason, call your trusted friend or family member that knows what you’re going through so y’all can talk about it and this person can rationalize/calm the situation and put it back into perspective for you and talk it out how the medication is helping so you don’t miss your dose. It will also give an outside looking in as well; maybe the meds aren’t doing good for you after a month or so and you got someone that notices it too so you know you’re not going crazy, and you can go to your dr and get an adjustment/switch. Good luck!
Familiar with ADHD, depression and anxiety. Lately I have been retraining myself to just get started with no expectation to finish if I feel I can’t. I use to tend to wait until I felt like doing whatever it is I wanted to do. But, I’m finding just getting started is many times all I need to keep going. Sure, there are times I start a task and don’t complete it and in those cases I just say ok, you tried. Maybe next time.Not the end of the world.
I appreciate learning new words and phrases that describe different conditions. I never heard the term "anhedonia" before, but I certainly recognized the symptoms.
I also appreciated how transparent and vulnerable you were at the 16:45-minute mark when you talked about your own therapy journey. There is a somewhat-related adage that started showing up in print in 19th century England that went, "A man who is own lawyer has a fool for a client." Being healthy yourself and working through it with another professional ensures that you are at your best when it's time to engage with clients. Going to therapy, establishing boundaries, and having outside interests helps prevent isolation and stagnation.
Hi Kati, I just came across your podcast, so glad I did! The title, "Why is it so hard for me to do things?" is EXACTLY the question I have! Thank you for explaining what ADHD is... l believe I definitely have some of those traits. And on another note, I think it's a good thing that you see a therapist. It's like going to a drug/alcohol therapist that has never been addicted. I trust what you say. Thank you!
Yes this dopamine theory makes total sense! I struggle as well with perfection paralysis. I have adult residual a.d.d. I am now a 65 yrs young woman.
Thank you for sharing your journey. You have helped me so much help my daughter with sexual abuse. Ignore people who disagree with you. You do great work for so many of us.❤❤
In grad school, I had myself tested for ADD (it was a very competitive program and I was having issues and focus and avoidance). It was negative, no ADHD/ADD. Years later (approaching Medicare eligibility age) and I've been diagnosed with complex PTSD and anxiety d/o NOS. Clutter has been a serious problem since they gave me & the sis with NPD our own rooms (i finally went no contact after our parents both passed away and live nearly 2K miles away). I'm doing a lot of exposure/CBT these days under the care of a trauma specialist psychologist and it is uncomfortable AF, but I know it's the gauntlet I need to run to get this managed and improve my quality of life. The clutter will take a while, but I'm chipping away.
Where I live, getting a true diagnosis is almost impossible. Yes, we do have medical coverage in Canada. However, the wait time to get an appointment to see a psychiatrist is, I believe, over a year now. The only therapy I can get is "peer" counseling, which is great because she's had very similar upbringing to me. I know I'm a mess, but I appear to be "okay". I'm very withdrawn, so no one knows how messed up I truly am. If I were to diagnose myself, I would say I have C-PTSD, anxiety disorder, disorganized attachment, fear of being in public, etc. Without a diagnosis, it's impossible to be taken seriously.
💙
I have dissociation with flashbacks, my previous therapist threatened to end my therapy with her if I wouldn't come back faster from flashbacks. She did other stuff I found about later were unethical.
I'm happy she is not my therapist anymore, but I still haven't found a new trauma specialist.
You are awesome Katie. I would expect every therapist to have a therapist because of how dark trauma energy can be. It is a difficult job you have chosen but you are extremely good at it and I hope your own therapy continues to help you.
Katie, I just love you! You are so candid, caring, sensitive, and I LOVE when you rant on therapists that suck!!! ❤❤❤
The one thing that really gets to me is the fact that I am stuck with the me that I am and have been. I wish I could find someone else to blame this on but there is no one. I have issues and the latest is "why bother".
😭
@CharlieBass What you're describing sounds like textbook depression. When I'm in it, my brain tells me it's always been that way. Even if it really has always been that way for you, it doesn't mean you're stuck. Taking one small step after another is often the path out of darkness. Wishing you well!❤
@@bellaluce7088 hey thanks for the info and encouragement. I need to start doing a better job of talking to myself, less negative. Have you heard of Bruce Lipton?
This first question made a lot of sense to me! Thanks, Kati! My psychiatrist changed my meds cuz she thought I was having a hypomanic episode but now I'm not being able to do anything since I stopped taking antidepressants.
A strange thing happened to me. I laugh in the midst of crying. It doesn't happen often but I get the hardest laugh ever.
It's called hysteria
For the person who has the sleep problems, I have non 24 and I didn’t sleep at all during the sleep study. I suggest keep graphs and use a Apple Watch or oura ring etc to track your sleep so you can go in with the evidence. I was diagnosed with a years worth of graphs, also ask if they can give you an actigraphy watch.
What was the solution to your issue, or did the tech only show you what you suspected?
@@Aetherfield no solution sadly non 24 is incurable, but it gave me the diagnosis to be able to get access to different things I need.
Make sure it's OK to crush your meds before you try that method. Some meds (especially time-released or long acting meds) should *not* be broken or crushed.
Another idea of a way to take meds: my 7 yo grandson takes his meds with chocolate pudding. Works like a charm!
For those of you, struggling with phobias there’s a technique that’s incredibly powerful, and yet gentle. It’s called EFT or emotional freedom technique. There are a lot of studies to support its effectiveness.
Having experienced both, I would say, it’s much better than exposure therapy.
Out of love for all of you,
I just want to say,
that you are loved by your Maker Jesus and having a relationship with Him gives us a solid identity, purpose, and Friend who makes us feel seen and heard because He knows us perfectly and can help us perfectly.
“ Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. “
I cannot escape images of those past harsh things in my mind. It is like I want to go back in time and correct them/counteract those who disturbed me/revoke all the good I did and said for those who wronged me as payment! I'm talking about family members. It is as if I'm locked in those fractions of past times forever.. English is my second language 🌺
I recently began learning about ADHD and things that people who have ADHD do and so many of them have just described me and the things I do for forever. I have been told that I am lazy and that I don't care enough to try hard enough 😢 on the one hand I feel like this is amazing and I hope I can find the help that I need but on the other hand I have been told these things for so long I don't feel like diagnosing myself with ADHD gives me any kind of a pass in life.. 😕
WOW!! So much packed and intense topics discussed.
It was as if you were talking directly about some of my problems.
Thank you Kati. I recently discovered your channel and your comments make so much sense. Ive been in therapy & taking antidepressants for many years. I've been called a parentified child. They work ...up to a point. I've recently been taking levodopa for Parkinson's, so my dopamine was quite depleted. Im in therapy, workig on mindfulness practice. I'm struggling with isolation....made worse during the pandemic. Thanks for talking about intellectualizing and about your experience with your own therapy. Much respect.
I have ADD and besides the usual challenges with this executive functioning disorder of impulsivity, working memory, time blindness, and lack of the mines eye, and the mines voice, I’ve learned that we cannot be impulsive in our actions, and not be impulsive in our emotions, because the two are connected. Although my emotional impulsivity usually goes to anger, I also struggle with depression and completing an activity. I’ve started. This is a classic symptom of people with ADD and ADHD. Once we have started an activity, it is extremely difficult for us to return to it and completed. Please know you are not alone.
Wow this helps. You cant therapize yourself. We need to hear this in an age when its information overload.
Thanks Kati! I relate to a lot of what you discuss here and it's really helpful.
edit: oh and something really strange: I am from Poland like one person mentioned here and I have felt this same wall my whole life. I know exactly what that person is talking about.
Thank you for everything Kati Ma'am.❤❤❤ Take care.
Also look into dorsal vagus nerve collapse/shutdown. I have that. The symptoms are almost exactly in line with depression. Caused by being stuck in freeze mode. Hard to get out of without somatic therapy, vagus nerve regulating practices over a period of time.
100 percent. BPD, Anxiety, bipolar 2, body dysmorphia, depression, complex PTSD, ADHD, and perfectionism split personality make everything so overwhelming. Lack of interest. I love dissociation it's automatic. I stop breathing unconsciously. And start to live on autopilot. I actually don't know who I am anymore or if I ever have. 35 plus years of therapy and I am not getting better. Who am I? The shoulds make me self-sabotage every time I make progress.My emotions control me not the other way around. 3 suicide attempts and self-mutilations followed but I now understand that that equates to hospitalization. Now I isolate and have zero interest in anything anymore. So much loss and change is so scary. I feel so much grief about the life I feel I would be living right now. I have trust issues and attachment disorder too. I was also so told that I am very intuitive. So if I know better why am I still not evolving? I have lived through multiple phases of trauma still to date.
Sexual abuse, mental and physical abuse and of course the mental judgments and abuse I put myself through. Maybe I am terrified to get better because again I have to change into someone I don't know. It feels like drowning and can't reach the top. Is this why I unconsciously hold my breath. I can't seem to stay focused in therapy, I jump from experience to experience and in an hour I have brought up at least 8 different topics and we get nowhere. Yesterday I learned that I will be losing 3 family memebers to illness in less than a year. I am scared to death how I am go to manage this crisis alone and be there for my step daughter because I have a tendency to internalize and take on all that pain.
Also friends, consider nutritional therapy…
look into detoxification and rejuvenation and Brain glandulars from companies like Heart and Soil. Healthy tissue from animals enhances our tissue! Experiment and see if it helps!
I don't know if I have ADHD but I definitely have trouble getting things done
I had a therapist I was appointed to after getting out of the mental hospital and the first session he wrote down a book title and said everything I will say is in that book so you don’t need to come to me then spent the rest of that time and the next session trying to get me to go to the bar and help him pick up girls, no joke. It kept me away from therapy for a long time and I wasn’t working on myself so it and my actions destroyed my relationship. I’m getting back into therapy because something needs to change or I won’t last much longer
Sometimes perfectionism isn't just perfectionism, it's one of many symptoms of OCPD. Lack of motivation also can be as rightly said Depression, or chronic fatigue, or symptoms of CPTSD.
Thank you SO MUCH for answering the questions. ! " understanding & doing is 2 different things.
I dont have depression. I have ptsd, GAD, adhd, OCD, & rare severe wave panic attacks. I am a survivor of two suicides in my immediate family. One was silent & my brother was bipolar.
I was SO organized when I was my "family's slave"
Good God...I am now poverty stricken from "family" theft and ex husband...
I was injured by a CRIMINALLY NEGLIGENT EMPLOYER...and the crippling has returned the last 6 years...I am exhausted just trying to keep up with regular tasks...
Thank you for this discussion..
CPTSD and intellect is how I cope most od my life. Needless to say confusing my emotions and personality with thoughts is common.
I've been in therapy for years. When I complained about not being able to do things, it was always blamed on my depression. I was finally diagnosed with autism at the age of 48 last year. My executive functioning sucks. Autism and ADHA co-occur at a high rate. I'm very disappointed that you were a typical therapist, Katie.
I'm happy to be here
Question 2 reminded me of something I heard someone say in AA: "All the knowledge of step 1 (admitting being powerless over alcohol) never stopped me from picking up a drink."
It takes me about a month to psych myself up enough to take a shower.
I think about how much better I will feel after a shower.
I struggle with showering too, the things that help me the most are: listening to music or podcasts in the bathroom a few mins beforehand and also during the shower, having someone there to talk to during or in the next room, washing my sheets and bedding beforehand (I therefore want to keep them clean and being clean myself and having the clean sheets feels really good), also choosing out a clean outfit that I'm excited to wear, sometimes even changing up and doing a face mask, using a different soap or shampoo can for some reason help my brain get more motivated to have the shower, also having a reward for yourself afterwards that you only allow yourself to do if you complete the task. I'm sorry that you're struggling with this, it is so difficult.
@@wandering0wonderland These are great tips, thank you! I learned during the pandemic that my capacity to not bathe is practically infinite! ; - D Wet wipes have been my savior, and I've always used witch hazel to clean my face even when I used to shower daily. I was using dry shampoo for a while too, but switched to hats when I go out.
I thought I was only one with this. It's far more than a month. Over a year. I do the wipes too but I don't get it, it literally happened overnight: literally. Went from showers daily, clean sheets, clean clothes, enjoying all of it, enjoying lotions, cosmetics, doing my hair. Then one day I woke up and never did any of these things again.
Me too. I didn't know anyone else had that. Is it major depression and anxiety?
I used to pretend everything was okay, even when it wasn’t. I was really good at hiding my feelings. Unfortunately, I’ve lost that ability, and people are noticing that something’s wrong.
Now, I just withdraw. I don’t want to engage with the world anymore.
Sometimes crushing pill is bad so check with your doctors first. Either they won’t work, they burn on the way down, or the body absorbs all of it vs the time release that was originally intended and they can create lots of issues.
I have been in therapy for over 40 years, im now 59. I have CPTSD, BPD, ED, APD. plus a multitude of others. I am now exhausted with therapy as i feel that after all this time, i really dont feel its helped that much. I cannot do EMDR as i dissociate and antidepressants make me hyper/manic. I realise that i freeze in the morning or when ive got to do something/anything. The loneliness is escalating so fast at the moment i can almost touch it...
Lack of motivation and anhedonia for me is a lifelong trend. Can't help but think it's that I've acclimatised and regulated to boredom. Growing up as an autistic girl surrounded by neurotypical bullies just beat the hope out of me that I'd ever have a fulfilling stimulating life.
Thanks so much for your ideas on the sleep test. It's not for sleep apnea. It's for my rare sleep disorder that causes me to sleep too much. I already had this testing done to diagnose me in childhood but parent doesnt know where so that I can get the report. Ever since I've been old enough to understand it is a 20 min timed test of naps in the day it has felt like a lot of pressure, but you had some helpful ideas with pressure points I hadn't thought of. I sleep too much in the daytime despite excellent quality and duration of sleep at night and can't seem to maintain wakefulness (of course unless I'm anxious about falling asleep in the 20 min in the sleep lab lol)
I was in Special Ed in high school: Sophomore/Junior Years. One of the teachers would give me contradictory information and get upset with me when I didn't do what she wanted; I didn't know, on top of that: on her timeline: very rigid and perfectionistic. She screwed up Sophomore year. I have mild to moderate learning disabilities, which I was blamed for. Mom said the cord was wrapped around my neck at birth; cutting off the oxygen. Not my fault. I've had learning disabilities all my life. It was obvious since elemetary school. I asked for help with math: the teacher would switch from vertical to horizontal addition without a reason. When I said so, she apologized and said she could not help me because she did not have the time. I would have stayed in during recess for the help; No luck there. Surreal! I dealt with the math problem. Some of the other teachers blamed me, too. I left the program because it was largely negative, 1980/81. I was expected to fail to back up their inaccurate expectations(unreasonable ones, too). I hated their insistence on perfectionism, on their timeline, convenience, only. I have some ADHD. Why was I blamed for having learning disabilities? Some of these teachers acted as if I was delibertely making their lives difficult. I didn't! I was always wrong, at fault, according to the teachers. I got out of the program and did much better. It wasn't the program, just certain teachers/administrators.
everything you said in the first few minutes is totally true.
Trying to figure out.. Hoping this is latest AKA and next AKA questions will be picked out here!! One of my million questions: I don’t feel comfortable talking about my journey but it is pretty complicated. Currently reading Trauma and Recovery from Judith Herman. Also went through her book for group therapies where she stresses the importance of being nurtured by parents/caregivers when child, otherwise we are susceptible to being harmed-due to lack of judgment. Harm in this case is, anything from a victim of domestic abuse to sexual assault and even worse. Poor judgement is probably, trusting the untrustworthy people, not seeing the red flags or seeing but not identifying as threats. (Personal note: some people might’ve seen them as red flags but they may feel too familiar/comforting to some of us!!) ok.. here’s the question: WHY do we need the nurturing as a child really? What it does to us? And when we don’t receive it what happens to us? Thank you 🙏 ❤
I can only answer for myself, but what made sense to me in therapy was that being neglected made me feel like I couldn't rely on anyone for basic needs, and it set me up to feel like nobody really loved me or cared about me. That led to me avoiding loving relationships because I was so afraid of rejection, abandonment, and insincerity (ie "you don't really care about me, you're only being kind because you feel obligated or because you want something from me").
At the same time, not getting the love and nurturing I needed as a baby/child made me desperately want it, which made me more "needy" and "clingy." Being desperate for love while simultaneously being terrified of accepting it due to being terrified of losing it is pretty darn awful. So this led to a lot of very casual/promiscuous relationships, since I could feel wanted without fearing rejection, since it was only one night anyway. I also became a people pleaser because I wanted people to like me, and I had a hard time with "self care." I was always doing everything for others, even when I was already strained beyond capacity, but not for myself.
Then on top of that, I never learned how to identify and work through problems and emotions, so I always bottled everything up until I eventually exploded. I never learned how to set boundaries and never learned that stating my own needs was ok. I wanted to please everyone, while I also wanted to avoid everyone, while I also couldn't effectively communicate what I needed or what the problem was. Relationships were hard, employment was hard... I could go on and on.
Rejection came from my Dad, his family(not all members); who think/thought they know everything, or are allegedly perfect. Everyone else is unworthy. Their problem/their blame. Not my fault!
Yes, i have adhd, now i have lost my beloved ragdollcat my depression is worse, i have been taking extra vivanse to feel better, to give me energy, since the grief I have been unwell with implant tooth, pain and can't eat properly and yesterday i had nil energy and sore throat, today i have migraine and gum is hurting, i want to get going but i am disregulated, crying all the time, i want. my cat back!
Just a comment on difficulty swallowing: water can be a problem because it’s so fast. Use something thicker, therefore slower. My favorite: V8.
Kati Kati, how I wish I could come to you for face to face therapy ... I lost my faith here in Belgium. I need help. Had a mental breakdown today. I cried, I froze ... I think I´m 8 years home with depression and burnout, that´s what they said back then. Been diagnosed with ADHD since, but don´t have faith in that diagnose ... I believe there is something else or more wrong with me. I need help but am scared to find it because lost my ttrust in those people. Seen so many, wel 4 or 5 that is ... and it never helped me ... I´m lost and want to make something out of my life. Pffff
Why dont therapists ever explain like this? Why am I always expected to know what’s going on? It’s almost like I am supposed to be the therapist myself, they just sit there and watch my cry.
Alienation is designed to give you a problem you cannot solve and you cannot stop thinking about.
"I'm doing this for a reason and what is that reason?" - wow, I like that approach. You talk a lot about 'risk' as a hindrance to getting things started, but what about the expected lack of reward? Is there a way to make things more rewarding, so that taking the risk actually pays off?
Thank you ma'am ❤
Thanks so much for this.
I just came across this and you're awesome! This is like talking to a friend; not being talked "at" by a stuffy know-it-all.
New sub❣️
I’m sorry I don’t usually interact with people especially not on here. I’m 40 I’m pretty sure I’ve had add or ADHD or squirrel brain or “what the h*** is wrong with you?” I’m cantgetright and I have been having hard time controlling my emotions the older I get but I’m reaching out cause when you were listing the self talk topics I kinda burst into tears. I’m crying and shaking right now why? I’m so sick of feeling
😭 you're definitely not alone. Fuck it's so frustrating and difficult.
I can’t find the energy to eat and I feel afraid to go outside and I never used to be a fearful person before violence disabled me. I’ve had a lot of treatment but I say this is the worst stuff I’ve ever been possibly because of the intense isolation and how long I’ve been isolated. There aren’t many therapists up here I’m a retired disabled psychologist myself for all the good it does me💔
I have a lot of problems. I’m finding this podcast helpful. I need help but I’m not sure about talk therapy. I’ve done it wh n I was younger but it didn’t help me because I wasn’t even aware of a lot of things I am now. I had been going on and off a couple years in my teens and in my 20’s. I just wrote a list today of long term goals and a list of daily goals to work towards the long term goals. I’m a hoarder, I have RA, high blood pressure and I have binge eating disorder. I’m not functioning, but I’m taking steps and I’m beginning to work through my clutter from my hoarding
Sorry that you are going through this. I am too. It was such a big deal to start. Do you have a therapist?
You're amazing! Thanks for this! ❤
Very important video!!!
Omg, letter #2 sounds like I wrote it! Thank you so much to answering this one.
Why haven't ANY of my healthcare practitioners explained any if this to me OR helped me with this?!? This is exactly what Ive been struggling with for years now. Well, part of it, but a it's a big part!
I let up on myself so things get done without perfectionism(or less of it!) Some homework was done today, I feel better.
I feel like it is never enough. Even an A is not adequate. My problem. I am trying to quit perfectionism.
Omgahhhh..... I feel exactly like the person who asked the last question. 😊
Me too 😢
I was once told (by a person from my high school) that I was ‘the most fickle person he had ever met’. I was shocked at the time, I had no idea I came across that way. I have since realised I’m FA / Disorganised so it makes sense.
Thanks for your feedback. You asked for a follow-up on question 1. I listened with an open mind to see if you had a perspective that rang true even though I have specifically been assessed as not depressed repeatedly. I am beyond lucky. I'm am not sad or unmotivated in the slightest, quite the opposite. I apply for opportunities regularly and go out to the doctor consistently and laugh having so much fulfillment every day socially in my volunteering with friends. I don't feel any helplessness or hopelessness. I feel purpose. What I was trying to share is these tasks I can't get started are *so* emotionally (not just cognitively) important and motivating to me that my brain goes offline from emotional overwhelm to the point of I can't speak or formulate thoughts. My interest is exceptionally strong and I've never lost interest in the things I enjoy. The moment I even think about the task, I physiologically go into an autistic shut down from the anxiety in my body of how deeply interested I am in this. I get confused about what I want to say when I think about it because my brain just nope nope nopes into freeze and dissociated mode. I don't have words and can't think of them for what I want to say, so I go nonverbal and I just freeze paralyzed in fear because I so badly care and have the drive to start but my brain shuts down and won't allow it the moment I try to think of the first step. I'm extremely pro-social volunteering every day laughing day in and day out with the most amazing friends I could dream of. I have no alteration in my appetite, and I'm not irritable or angry. I don't feel down on myself. I was trying to express that the care has deepened SO much that I shut down, very, very contrary to the losing interest in the things I used to enjoy, I've gained it and it is to a point of too much interest that I can't even keep my brain online long enough to form a thought. I'm not fatigued and I feel more than worthy of saying my words. My words feel too important but brain goes offline the moment I try to formulate them. I am socially very confident in myself and in holding true to my beliefs and values. That said, I think the energy level is a possible factor in that I have a severe sleep disability since infancy (not mimicking any form of depression type sleep issues because I am not fatigued and I am always driven to have a full vibrant day). In my brain it feels like PTSD and in my body it feels like fire from the anxious overwhelm to the point of shutdown. Feels like driven firey passion but it gets stuck in overdrive in the firey passion loop that my system overheats and shuts down in the loading phase. I don't know if my distinction here is helpful clarity to move to agreement on no depression but my gut says that doesn't line up with my physiological cues or psychological cues leading up to the struggle to start and I have been in therapy a long time and have no depression per my therapists that I double check with on my diagnoses when they do my assessments.
Do you have feedback on the part of my question on how to move forward? I didn't hear that part of my question addressed so maybe it was accidentally cropped or I maybe misunderstood? Thanks.
I wonder if investigating techniques specific to managing overstimulation in autism would help. Also asking what the things you're so excited about mean to you, and if there might be less triggering ways to bring that into your life.
thanks@@bellaluce7088
Flop around like a fish.....love it!!😂
42:00 trouble swallowing is very often iodine deficiency. The thyroid gland which is located below your tongue is dependent on iodine to produce all thyroid hormones and if it does not get enough iodine to do that it can start to grow in order to compensate for nutritional deficiency which in extreme cases results in a goiter. Look online for other symptoms, everything is not just mental blocks to be bypassed with can-do-it fluff talk.
I have apnea - they let me do an at home sleep test. I had to hook myself up etc but it helped at lot to complete the test
I do this too and I have ADHD, however I know it's my permission slip to self-sabotage because "I don't deserve to succeed" etc.
How can I tell if someone is a safe person to be vulnerable with? I've had someone at work who told me I could tell them anything, any insecurity and we could 'work on it together'. Then he just went and told everyone about my insecurities and that I'm not fit for the job. I can't think of red flags I've missed, but there might have been some I just wasn't sure to look for? And I'm not sure how to undo the damage with others now. Thanks :)
He's only going to make himself look bad. Try not to react to it.
Same thing. And to person above me, I know you mean well & appreciate you're trying, but it's never that simple. I can know what you're saying is true, I can work the whole thing out, but it doesn't make any difference. Nothing has helped.
Your people pickers broken. Read Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud.
Maybe I'm a miss-mash but I'm in my mid 50s, I grew up in a dysfunctional home (dad bipolar but not abusive to us kids and our mother was constantly depressed and verbally and physically abusive to us - smacking us and telling us we were worthless on a daily basis until at 20 I left and came to Europe (still here 35 years on).
I am a terrible procrastinator. I seem to only be able to do even the simplest of things, if my back is against the wall (apart from personal hygiene, thank goodness).
I don't think I'm actually "depressed" as I'm in a happy marriage (second) of 15 years and I'm perfectly aware of how lucky I am. I just don't understand why I can't get things done! I think of all the tasks I must do, get so overwhelmed, and then sit on the couch kind of "spaced out" (when I'm alone).
I "activate" when I know my husband will be home at such and such a time so then that gives me (I suppose) the much-needed dopamine rush to get things done.
Currently, I am TRYING to do an online Python course (front end developer) but I can't even FORCE myself. Ugh ! I am wondering if I should try that rapid eye movement technique to snap me out of this inertia ??
And getting back to your hypothesis of depression : I genuinely don't think that I am as I am SO grateful and happy for my relationship and our 9 year old daughter.... I just wish I knew how to STOP this horrible procrastination !
They talk about the self-fulfilling prophecy like if we think we can't or can do something, we may directly or indirectly make it true, but does anyone feel like when they think negatively, you have good results or positive things happen?
Maybe. Maybe because your expectations aren't in the way?
Q1 is so relatable
I've been thinking the inability to start might be depressxion, in myself. Because I always have ADHD, but I don't always have depression.
Can't help but think that the main trigger for the flasbacks in question 7 was the "Flashbacks forbidden"-therapist herself.
😮😮great help w/ it being hard to do the thing ". Awesome!! Answering the questions.. 😼👏👏
“Jack-assery” 🤣🤣🤣 I love therapists who don’t have a filter.
Isn't there a saying, a done something is better than a perfect nothing
Another sleep suggestion: ask them to lower the thermostat. They have the world’s hardest, most uncomfortable beds, but damn! They can at least make it cold.
Can we deplete our dopamine levels? I'm thinking how many of us are addicted to getting an easily available 24/7 dopamine fix online.
if im honest with myself i dont really want to do much. i like mostly to be in bed sleeping, dreaming, day dreaming, watching or listening to youtube.
but i have to do things so i dont become homeless. but yeah if its up to me i rather mostly stay in bed. maybe take a walk every once in a while.