Thank you, Chris this is an extremely valuable set of advice. Most relevant to me, I had a problem when my ex-partner started talking about her feelings and I often responded by trying to help 'fix her problem' by pointing out where the 'logic' was faulty. I think it would help if she had started a conversation about her feelings with the words, 'I feel'. Also, it would help if she said something like, 'I am venting and I don't want you to fix this'. I hope, in the future, I am aware enough to check and ask that so I can build the best way to respond. What I found was a faulty premise such as a mind read like 'you think that..' was built in at the start and it derailed the rest of the discussion. Also, I would like your take on how to deal with the situation when someone talks about feelings as if they were facts and starts to build a conlusion or set of consequences, or changes off of their emotional reasoning during their monologue. Many thanks for helping us all build better communication in relationships.
Thanks for your reply! It sounds like you're working on avoiding the tendency to "fix" your partner's concerns. It can take effort and intentionality to break that habit. I think feelings are incredibly powerful and we can often draw conclusions based on them - this doesn't make it wrong by default. We all have our unique ways of surviving a complex and dangerous world! Would it be helpful for me to do a video on _how_ to hold space for someone else's emotions? Perhaps discussing the incredible value of curiosity and empathy in relationships.
Do you share you perspective after you validate? And how can you share your perspective without in-validating their emotions or perspective? For example, my partner says I did x years ago and shares emotions. I never did x or have some different recollection. Emotions are never wrong and I valid my partners emotions bc from their perspective I understand those feelings and see their point of view. When and do you ever say "That's not what I remember (doing x) or I remember something different or I never did that at all"
Thanks for your question and for checking out the video! You bring up some interesting perspectives on the issue, and I want to think on them a little - maybe do a video oriented towards them. Of course every situation is unique, so I can't offer you any particular advice. If this is a persistent and troubling pattern in your relationship, perhaps seeking support from a qualified provider would be helpful. Generally, I will say that stressful interactions can undermine perception and memory in surprising ways for all of us. I can understand the desire to set the record straight when we feel we're being wrongly accused, but this can easily turn into a power struggle. It's a difficult choice that's likely to be influenced by your unique values and needs. Best wishes to you and your partner, and I hope you can find ways to help each other feel seen and heard.
@@ChrisNealCounselor Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. I have not seen a video addressing what I think this nuance is. I've wrestled with if this is a defensive posture and if this is a right/wrong direction I'm taking if I validate feelings and then say "My perception is different..." And I actually believe that I can do/ and be perceived as doing things I'm not aware of. I try to see this person and others as children (because we often are emotionally) when they share feelings and with me or are vulnerable. With children I think most people only want to comfort them and say they are sorry if a child comes up crying to them and saying "You hurt me or You made me sad or You ignored me". Most people never argue details or specifics, especially in the moment like "But you did this, that happened years ago, or I wasn't even in the room!" in this case they just hold the kids, say they are sorry for hurting them, even if they did nothing, and soothe them. Not saying what I think is true brings up feelings of fear of blame and misunderstanding in me. The person is an ex, deals with trauma, avoids talking about feelings, and we've been talking about what I can do to get her to share more feelings with me after she said she was not comfortable doing so. Thanks again for the time and advice. Looking forward to more videos. I think I've answered my own question.
I'm sorry you have this experience. This can be a complex concern in a relationship. Hopefully you two can find a path forward that feels mutually supportive. Best wishes.
Thank you, Chris this is an extremely valuable set of advice.
Most relevant to me, I had a problem when my ex-partner started talking about her feelings and I often responded by trying to help 'fix her problem' by pointing out where the 'logic' was faulty. I think it would help if she had started a conversation about her feelings with the words, 'I feel'. Also, it would help if she said something like, 'I am venting and I don't want you to fix this'. I hope, in the future, I am aware enough to check and ask that so I can build the best way to respond. What I found was a faulty premise such as a mind read like 'you think that..' was built in at the start and it derailed the rest of the discussion. Also, I would like your take on how to deal with the situation when someone talks about feelings as if they were facts and starts to build a conlusion or set of consequences, or changes off of their emotional reasoning during their monologue.
Many thanks for helping us all build better communication in relationships.
Thanks for your reply! It sounds like you're working on avoiding the tendency to "fix" your partner's concerns. It can take effort and intentionality to break that habit.
I think feelings are incredibly powerful and we can often draw conclusions based on them - this doesn't make it wrong by default. We all have our unique ways of surviving a complex and dangerous world! Would it be helpful for me to do a video on _how_ to hold space for someone else's emotions? Perhaps discussing the incredible value of curiosity and empathy in relationships.
Very interesting and well explained. I'm a teacher and I use this to underpin how I improve talking to students. Thank you
Glad it was helpful!
Do you share you perspective after you validate? And how can you share your perspective without in-validating their emotions or perspective? For example, my partner says I did x years ago and shares emotions. I never did x or have some different recollection. Emotions are never wrong and I valid my partners emotions bc from their perspective I understand those feelings and see their point of view. When and do you ever say "That's not what I remember (doing x) or I remember something different or I never did that at all"
Thanks for your question and for checking out the video! You bring up some interesting perspectives on the issue, and I want to think on them a little - maybe do a video oriented towards them.
Of course every situation is unique, so I can't offer you any particular advice. If this is a persistent and troubling pattern in your relationship, perhaps seeking support from a qualified provider would be helpful.
Generally, I will say that stressful interactions can undermine perception and memory in surprising ways for all of us. I can understand the desire to set the record straight when we feel we're being wrongly accused, but this can easily turn into a power struggle. It's a difficult choice that's likely to be influenced by your unique values and needs.
Best wishes to you and your partner, and I hope you can find ways to help each other feel seen and heard.
@@ChrisNealCounselor Thank you so much for this thoughtful response.
I have not seen a video addressing what I think this nuance is. I've wrestled with if this is a defensive posture and if this is a right/wrong direction I'm taking if I validate feelings and then say "My perception is different..." And I actually believe that I can do/ and be perceived as doing things I'm not aware of.
I try to see this person and others as children (because we often are emotionally) when they share feelings and with me or are vulnerable.
With children I think most people only want to comfort them and say they are sorry if a child comes up crying to them and saying "You hurt me or You made me sad or You ignored me".
Most people never argue details or specifics, especially in the moment like "But you did this, that happened years ago, or I wasn't even in the room!" in this case they just hold the kids, say they are sorry for hurting them, even if they did nothing, and soothe them.
Not saying what I think is true brings up feelings of fear of blame and misunderstanding in me.
The person is an ex, deals with trauma, avoids talking about feelings, and we've been talking about what I can do to get her to share more feelings with me after she said she was not comfortable doing so. Thanks again for the time and advice. Looking forward to more videos.
I think I've answered my own question.
I hate it when my husband trying to t “ talk me out” or fix me when I’m sad or mad about something
I'm sorry you have this experience. This can be a complex concern in a relationship. Hopefully you two can find a path forward that feels mutually supportive. Best wishes.