Phil In The Blanks | Covert Narcissist Intro
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 มิ.ย. 2023
- Gaslighting And The Covert Narcissist Pt2
Dr. Phil continues discussing narcissism and focuses on covert narcissism, which is more subtle than classic narcissism. Narcissists have a false sense of superiority and lack empathy. Covert narcissists have the same traits as classic narcissists but express them in more subtle ways. They manipulate and gaslight their partners, are judgmental, and envious. Dr. Phil emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and not trying to fix narcissists. The series aims to provide insight and help people manage or protect themselves from narcissistic individuals. - บันเทิง
The most dangerous is the covert because he hides his true behind love and sweetness.😤❤️
This 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I can't really say. It's complicated 🎭
You mean “she”
How insulting 😇🤩😘🥳
You got played by a player but you want to cry narcissistic abuse. Lady please. I have seen a daughter with self inflicted wounds because her narcissistic mother emotionally abused her.
this is the most difficult. they pretend to be "nice" and then the confusion begins. Overts are easier to spot on.
yes, and for that exact reason they are far more dangerous than the overt ones. They act so well that no matter who you tell no one would believe you. the best thing to do is avoid all contact if they are not related to you and starve them off your reaction. they crave ur reaction so just don't give it to them.
Overts are secondary psychopaths not narcissists. Coverts are the only real narcissists.
Sam V
I think my dad is like this but am not sure. It’s very hard to know. How do you know for sure?
@@Here.now123 interesting. i noticed that psychopaths carry themselves like grandious narcissisits too. are very manipulative.
@@lekshmianilkumar6808 i agree, for me charm, 'too good to be true' love bombing are huge red flags. we just have to pay attention to our intuition. narcissist are not real or genuine people. its all fake
I dealt with a narcissist for years , they can never see there wrong all they can see is everyone else wrong ! I’ve learned to just block them cuz they will never learn
Just let them go. They are not worth your time. Time is for better hopes as lam going to do
You can't change a person with no heart.
I cant block mine shes the mother of my 10year old. Finding this helped me make sense of everything im going through...well my family is going through
@@Knoxcicero86 It was my 9yo after I took 10 years of criticism and being one that thinks there is something about constructive criticism-, after that 10 years, I finally figured out it was not me. He fought for custody and she seemed to WANT to be with her daddy. At first, it was OK as I saw her happy driving around with Daddy riding shotgun. Until he got a new GF. (BTW I was 17 and he was 24 and I never let anyone put their hands on me before marriage) He trained me well being a live-in cook, maid, babysitter, laundry, yard help, etc...) Before I left my daughter pretty much treated me like her daddy did. AND After I left, He treated her like she was me! She is 58. She got married at 18 to a total BUM - and her a son before 19. He committed suicide in 2017. I could see it coming. She never allowed me to even get to know my grandchildren and they all hate me. It is heartbreaking. At least these days there is some help via the internet - back then the only psych I knew about was some book "I'm OK You're OK" and that was about it. The damage parents cause their children is heartbreaking. I never badmouthed her daddy to her. I never told her my story (her story) because I didn't want to burden her with adult problems and wanted her to have as happy childhood as possible. It is important for the two of you to get counseling along with her - I can see several generations of children being damaged from being used as a tool to inflict pain upon one parent or the other...then they use themselves as a tool to USE against BOTH :(
Plus when provoked (and that could be the smallest thing) they can become VERY DANGEROUS. It’s not just about someone being exhausting, it’s about blocking them because they are one step away from going full psychotic and when that switch goes off, there is nothing they won’t do. I very almost lost my life.
Hubby is a covert narcissist. Ever since I figured him out, I've been having fun. When he tells me obvious lies, it's like listening to a kid whose face is smeared w cake frosting denying they had cake. I can't help but laugh, which makes him SO angry and hurt. I do what makes me happy, and I enjoy the sweet moments as they come.
Haha that's EXACTLY what I tell my narc "roommate"! That he's so ridiculous thinking I'm actually going to buy his B/S of a story! I tell him you're EXACTLY like the little kid who denies even touching the chocolate cake meanwhile, he's got chocolate cake all over his face and shirt" Then I tell him "You're a ridiculous person"
Once you start having fun, it steals all of the narcs power. Good 4 you!
Be careful. I did this with mine and he got violent. You just never know when their gonna blow.
Sounds like you need a divorce Lawyer.
Good 👍 me too
THEY ARE ALL BAD. But The Coverts are the most damaging. Insults, Lies, Invalidating, Bullies, NO COMPASSION,. NO EMOTIONS, CONSTANT CRITICISM, CERTAINLY NO LEVITY OR SMILES, DEMONS. BUT NEVER IF THERE'S A WITNESS! YES, "SULLEN." ALSO. DANGEROUS TO YOUR WELL BEING. NOT HUMAN.
Thank you.
I lived with my ex for 29 years. First he “love bombed” me. But as soon as we married he began to belittle, diminish or erase every single good thing about me. It was so subtle - i knew something was terribly wrong but could never put my finger on it. It got worse and worse, and after the kids group and left it got sinister. The gaslighting was constant, I thought I was going crazy. He isolated me, He even failed to get me medical help when I was having a stroke (because he had a golf tournament to attend) and by the time he returned (three days later) I had lost most of my vision and it could not be recovered. Every time I tried to leave something catastrophic happened. Eventually when he learned I was actually planning on cleaving, he tried to kill me. I left with nothing but the clothes on my back and my dog.
I went through hell, but I survived. Years of intensive therapy,
I wish i had a way of letting people know in case seeing what happened to me helped them get out safely.
Dr. Phil, your shows and books were my lifeline. Every show taught me something important.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I want to add:
I consider these Phil In The Blanks as my continuing education. I’m very goal and project oriented, and even at 77 I see educating myself as vital. I so appreciate all you do for us Dr. Phil.
It's way more sinister than just a personality trait. Just as Jesus said: “When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, searching for rest. But when it finds none, it says, ‘I will return to the person I came from.’ So it returns and finds that its former home is all swept and in order. Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before.” -Luke 11:24-26 Demons are real.
🤗💝 hugs I too have been living this nightmare, not once but twice now..
I’m so glad You are o.k. 🙏
@@spiritualclips Luke was drunk when he wrote that
You have nailed it. Thank you for this Spot on description of a covert narcisist. I think they are the most dangerous of them all. They are snakes and chameleons and will drain the life force energy from you slowly but surely.
A good answer
Agree with Dr. Phil that it has been a great service to the field of mental health to identify covert narcissists, as they are the most dangerous people to be in a relationship with. They draw you in with their studied goodness and exemplary character, and you feel that you've found your soul mate. Then they slowly put the traps in place to disempower and emotionally drain you, and keep you always off balance in the relationship. They dig for the things that will hurt you the deepest and deploy them. And worst of all, they're masters at getting you to think it's all your fault.
Watch out for the prearranged argument set up to trip you into believing it’s your fault…
Hello Darker where are you from?
This is the hardest bait to recognize and prepare for. You think the argument is organic and spontaneous, but when you think back you can see the setup days, weeks, even months before the blow up. Because you finally react they twist things to make you accept responsibility for it.
Stay educated and prayed up, folks. These snakes in the grass actually live, work, and play with you 🙏
Yes, Ross Rosenberg calls this “induced conversation” and he has a couple videos about it.
I have been set up this way also, then when I get angry and defend myself, I’m told I mean and angry and abusive and causing problems when the whole thing was a set up!
👏👏👏👏 that part!!! They will start an argument for the sole purpose of turning everything around on you. It's insane.
Yeah, mine used to save those for important dates and holidays. How convenient 🙄
At the age of 63 I was offered a job at my grandsons school. I’d had no training in education but had volunteered for a year at that point in the year 1 class. So I was really chuffed.
My husband was the last person I told because I KNEW he was going to make every effort to burst my bubble. But even knowing him as I do, I wasn’t prepared for the remark - WHO’D OFFER YOU A JOB? Followed by did they offer it to 300 other people first and nobody wanted it. When I said I don’t care if they offered it to 3000 other people first and they all said no. I’ve told him I’d take it. And then he said WHAT! You accepted it. I said yes and he said. I’d have thought you’d at least have said you needed to talk it over with your husband first.
His jealousy really showed through that day. And it was a good thing. Because all those individual put downs over the years were all just knocking a little bit of the love I felt for him out of me one by one, bit by bit. See when they destroy that last tiny bit of love for them out of you it’s amazing. As that love flies out, it leaves an empty space for you to start filling it with love and respect for ourselves.
You're exactly correct.
👏👏👏👏
Excellent. 🙏🏼
Totally agree with you! They getting supply by putting you down. But all the damage they do, is the thing that makes you realise you have nothing to lose by losing them. They kill any love you had for them, and then you start to heal. You realise you don’t need them to validate you. I’m your age. Two narcissistic marriages!
Good on you, keep getting stronger!
Only picking on a small part of your statement.
Are you saying you would accept him making decisions affecting the family but tell everyone except you and leave you to last?
Most women would be furious if that happened.
Yet, it seems, you left him out of the decision initially.
Passive aggressive!!!!!!!!!!
THIS^^^^
I agree
YES! The passive agressiveness is the most predominant trait of the covert. ( from what I've experienced - others as well )
L.A.
When I passed my exam with flying colors, my mother said: "Congratulations. Wouldn't have been possible for me. In my days exam standards were way more demanding!" She was stabbing my heart again with a very, very fine needle. And she did it on purpose!
Your mom says it was harder ? 😂😂😂😂 my parents said school was way easier back in their day
I was raised by a covert narcissistic mother. As a pre-teen/teen, I thought I was losing my mind!! It took till my mother died to start researching what had gone wrong. I couldn't even make myself feel sad that she was dead. All I felt was relief that the relationship was over! I cried to know I wasn't crazy or insensitive. She was the master of her game!
It took me until adulthood to connect the dots on my covert narc mom's behavior. I knew she was moody, gossipy, controlling, superficial (e.g., obsession with money and people's finances), and missing something upstairs by always making sweeping assumptions and being a know-it-all. Always something “wrong” with everybody else. It wasn't until she manipulatively lied to me and made hideous accusations in a fit of narcissistic anger that I realized that there's something extremely wrong with her. Now I completely Grey Rock so she can't weaponize any personal information.
@tenningale exactly! I can totally relate to that! Glad you got away at a young age. You're so much better off.
I'm taking your lead! Mine has been evil. Only dawned on me around mid 30's and 20 years on still realizing what she done throughout my life. I see her for exactly who she is now. A weak jealous empty sullen woman
Ditto 100%
It still bothers me that I could feel only tremendous relief when my covert narc mother passed! People would tell me they were sorry for my loss, and it was all I could do to not say, “But it WASN’T a loss. It was the best thing she ever did for me.”
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
Wow, you sound like a narcissist, a covert one!
Love your template for success #congratulations Oftentimes getting solid evidence of their Lies helps YOU keep boundaries. Well done X Good Luck X
This is my mother-in-law. She checks every box.
Same. Just horrible to deal with. It hurts as you naturally want to feel accepted by the family of your spouse, who you gave your life to and love so much. But we're never enough and they make sure we know it in a cunning, passive aggressive way. It's exhausting.
Mine too and the spouse is completely enmeshed. Its a true nightmare.
My mom is a covert narc....couldn't take her chaos anymore....
Vicious Insults, Extreme Invalidation, Liars and/or Deception, Future Faking, No Human Emotions, Never a Smile Ever
Add Bullies and a lot more...
They do smile, mostly when they have succeeded in their latest rouse. Sometimes you can catch the smirk :(
One of the better overviews of covert narcissistic personality traits I’ve heard.
Me too😊
"Don't you DARE attack my PRECIOUS daughter!" - Virtually after a smear campaign where I got bullied by both of them as a baby brother in my 40s. I went NO CONTACT back against my EX-siblings for life after that. Signing off, a recovering SCAPEGOAT
I totally understand and I’m sorry you went through this. It’s never over- the PTSD continues no matter how strong we try to be. I truly wish you well.
Yes! I didn’t realize till after the discard what I was with. God delivered me. You’re right! they are on a relentless pursuit down the river of deceit with the next person and the next. I had no idea that people like this even existed. The Lord taught me a lot!
My mother and her children, my friend, and a couple of my co-workers. I
Upgraded my life when I left them. My nervous system is better my peace is top tier🤞🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Ive been married to this trickster for 12 years,it took his brutal discard for me to realize exactly the demon he is😈 The divorce process from a covert coward is beyond another level nightmare.
God be with us & strengthen us all who have been through this abuse
Literally, when you said if you broke your leg….i broke my foot and my ex husband refused to help me get a scooter - not even pay half, instead bought a used wheel chair I couldn’t use in the house, was in major pain under my arms having my baby on my chest carrying that weight and he made time to take a trip to China, but couldn’t help me at all. Not even while pregnant.. however, made sure in front of his family he was totally different.
Sorry you had to endure that. Now you are awake! Yay!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Horrible.
Sounds exactly like my husband too!
Thank you, Dr Phil. My dad was a covert narcissist and my mother a malignant one. I truly believed my purpose in life was to please them. I felt so guilty when I doubted this. Long story and I’m sure you’ve already heard it a thousand times. At almost 70, I’m just now figuring out it’s ok if I have feelings of my own.
I understand you so well. We had similar experiences. Sadly.
@@mariac.garcez5903 I’m sorry to hear of your stolen childhood. I hope things are much better for you now. Listening to Dr. Phil has helped me realize my feelings were valid and a whole new way of thinking is opening up for me.
@@mariac.garcez5903 I hope things are better for you now. I don’t feel so alone now that I’m adult, but I’m sorry others had to experience the same pain I did.
Dr. Phil has been helping me, too. I had guilt over resenting my parents, but now I understand I had the right to feel resentment.
I think u just have a victim mentality. Gee stop with the sob story. Grow up
I recently went to a psychologist because I didn’t know how to handle my mom. She was always telling me things were my fault, she didn’t do anything or hurt my feelings, she would give me the silent treatment and more. What hurt most of all, was that she was always jealous of me. If I bought a house, she did too…if I bought a new car and it was newer than hers, she traded hers for a new one. She even got mad that my wedding ring was bigger than hers. I have lived with this all my life and she always made me think everything was my fault. The psychologist said, “Your mom is a passive aggressive covert narcissist.” He said he was sorry and looked at me as if I was grieving a death. He told me I would never change her and that the best thing I can do is to distance myself from her. Everything all makes sense now, and Dr. Phil really nailed it in this video. It hurts that it’s a parent and makes it harder to stay away.
OMG. These exact gaslighting phrases were just used on me the past few days. And before that. Berate, scold, shame, criticism, etc.
Also, the times I make the mistake of saying how I feel, I am attacked, invalidated, then told I “feel” a certain way because I’m crazy and my brain is irrational, ridiculous, messed up… and on it goes
Get. Out!
If only I knew all this fifty or even sixty years ago!
My mother ticked all these boxes - and as a single parent she was my only real influence when I was a child. I’m very proud to say that I not only survived my childhood but became a loving, empathetic adult. Admittedly I have some long term anxiety and depression I but have the insight to look after myself and seek help when I need it 🌀
Same here. My desire to be nothing like my covert narc mother paid off.
Me too....some say Its never to late....ha....I'm almost 70, and walking on eggshells and running on hi levels of cortisol, has left me with 4 auto immune diseases....I'm a wreck
@@mrsc2983 Not being nosey, but what have you noticed with the autoimmune diseases? I recently went thru hell, trying to treat a UTI, where the last of five different antibiotics finally cured it. I've taken them all before, but this time was like nothing I ever experienced, and one almost had me in the ER. Just feeling like all the trauma over the years has taxed my immune system.
narcissist are never "just joking"
And God forbid you try to joke with them. They go straight to defense mode.
Absolutely 💯 I choose to go no contact. I was convinced I was crazy until I became believed it
Yes same here!!!
I am dealing with 2 of them my mom and my ex husband it’s been pure hell!!!
I even was assaulted by a school policeman he took me in a room by myself and beat the crap out of me
@@erikawithee my mother uses me and exploits her own kids favours my sister's and I'm the one that gives care and paid all her bills been nice to her all my life when I confront her she plays victim and tells me I'm crazy and she spreads lies to other family members and people about me and my wife to others I've caught her on cctv cameras outside my home i couldnt beleave my ears as soon as I leave the house she picks up the phone and spreads lies things that are so absurd I don't even know who I'm talking to anymore its insane I confronted her she denies it all and swears when I show her the evidence she doesn't even bother and walks away and now targets my wife says my wife is the problem my wife loved her more than her own mother.she walks past my own children and shows no empathy for anyone I've dealt with this for too long but enough is enough I did all I could God forgive me. I want nothing to do with her nomore
Dr Phil Im not your dad but every dad would be proud to have such a great and wise man as a son. Sometimes our parents make big mistakes. I was blessed to have an elder brother who encouraged me while he was on this earth. I think God always takes care of us and we are truly blessed when somebody cares for us. Many children dont have parents. Your proof that when God has a plan for somebody life He will step in and lead that person if they trust Him and are willing to be led by truth. Thank you for the program. Your work as a paychologist has helped many people, God bless you
@@silverbackmustang6306 am a sister🤣
The narc's I have to deal with usually demand silence and others to shut up so they can control the "room". I found that by having a multiple source of noise such as a radio and / or multiple TV programs on at the same time at a low volume around them seems to annoy them and they avoid the area. Also, they seem to expect everyone in an area to shut up so they can be in control. They get frustrated and confused if there are multiple conversations and / or radio or TV's on while they are trying to " run the room" and may just leave to find a "quieter" place to run their game where everyone will shut up and listen. I started doing this just so I didn't have to listen to their BS but found out it is like putting on "bug repellant".
Well played
Omfg! I always have music playing as a "defense", like its protection for me & I couldn't understand why until I read this comment. ... & now I know exactly why I developed that.
This is exactly my husband…” I have the floor!!!!” Interrupts conversations with me and our adult children constantly. He’s an attention whore. The kids nicknamed him Hitler and call him “Bother” instead of Father.
If they discard you consider yourself saved! Lol! The best way to get rid of a narc is just act in ways where they will discard you sooner! Make yourself as undesireable and disgusting to them as possible.. like a beetle making a strange smell squirt
Not the beetle 😅😂
Arguing with these people is like being in the most frustrating tennis match. Keeping the ball in play until they have a chance to wrong foot you and then they go in for the kill
The only way to win is not to play 🤗
I recently had to ‘cancel’ two of my sisters. Let them have the last word.
You’re so correct with your assessment about a Covert Narcissist I delt with one in my life for 6 years yep! they’re something else with they’re games, manipulations, etc… some professional mental therapists do believe the Covert Narcissist is actually the most dangerous too
He was pathologically envious of you. You were viewed as the competition, the enemy.
How sad to have a father like that.
How sad to have someone like you
I have a mother like this. Ticks in all the boxes.
@@lanacainwhat’s your problem?
This is exactly right. I have lived with them my entire life and they cannot be reasoned with over the silliest things. The covert narcissists I know are subtle because they are churchgoers pretending to be Christians but want to be mean without looking like it. They are the most superficial people I have ever met. They are mean to me because I do not fit into their mold. I am not talking about sin, but I do not see things the way they see them. They have a strange way of interpreting simple things. I believe they deliberately misinterpret whatever I say because of their jealous nature toward anyone who is free from them. You are absolutely right, they are sullen and sad without a sense of humor. I have had family members act angry with me but would not tell me what they were angry about.
I couldn't have said it any better, you have a way with your writing, thanks
I agree letting 🚶♂️ go
The “covert” narcissists NEVER does anything wrong . The “world” does it to them. They are the victims and the second You realize they created the “drama” You become the next victim. They are charming, sweet and play upon Your insecurities.
I finally have an understanding. You’re spot on. Thank you.
The worst is when the narc runs around to your family and friends and gaslight all into believing you did or said something you've not done or said so as to rally support for themselves and to isolate you and make you the problem in everyone's eyes.
They are convincing actors and so you are left feeling frustrated, lonely and victimized!
Yes. They are trouncing you at a game that you aren't even aware is being played. Then one day someone brings up some stuff that never happened and you begin to unravel the web of lies.
@@joshuamorrison8332
Precisely!
People treat you differently from before and you can't understand why until you learn what lies have been told behind your back.
@@boldchick101 The worst part is you can't even tell them "don't believe x" because you have no idea what has been said. I just told them to judge me on what they know about me and not ugly rumors.
@@joshuamorrison8332
So true.
It is an eye opener to see who believes the worst lies without taking into consideration what is already known about your true character.
I find that coverts tend to be loners. They want status and popularity. They're so desperate for approval, the ultimate toxic people pleasers.
A covert can become more overt over time. The covert might as well be named the passive-aggressive narcissist. They tend to have a sob story of "oh I had a terrible childhood" ect.
Having a bad childhood isn't an excuse to treat others poorly.
Also the "empathy" they show is fake, over the top and it's like they're reading from a script.
The arrogance and humble brag (rolls eyes).
100 percent
If being whit a covert nacissit it was hell! still recover afhter 5 years!
The female covert narcissist I met some years ago could scan my insecurities, imperfections, trained incompetence and 'untrained acquired competence' but for the most part, she must have known that I have been abused Psychologically by my boss. She manipulatide, triangulated, harassed, abused, exploited, gaslighted and sabotaged me to the extent of suffering torture and horror in very few months (less than 5 months) that outweigh 40 years of hardship during my life. Consciously or not, she's been the arm of the devil
" I broke up with my abusive boyfriend, but I'm scared... I think he did something with my outside lights because they aren't working. Do you think you could maybe take a look?", she said. Sure enough, the sensors were all unplugged. Easy fix!
"Can you stay for dinner? It's the least I can do, and I really don't want to be alone right now..."
Wasn't I the white knight helping a beautiful damsel in distress!!
Went through the whole love-bombing thing and all the games that followed... Afterwards, I ran into her ex and asked him why he didn't warn me about her. He said, "Would you have believed me?"
And yes, she unplugged those light sensors for him too...
@@IFY0USEEKAY Sometimes, we just learn the hard way but we deserve to pass the same test without failure
@@IFY0USEEKAYTHINKING WITH YOUR LITTLE HEAD AGAIN.
Sounds like the Jezebel spirit. They have no empathy or remorse. Showing kindness or trying to make peace doesn't work. Your pain is their pleasure. They love seeing family and friends turn against you that they cause. They villanize you and act like th victim to ensure they turn people against you. When you react to their covert aggressive abuse, they use it to prove their point to people that they are trying to turn against you. When you do good to them, they repay you have evil. The craziest part of all of this is that they truly believe that they are good and you are bad for which in their minds justify all the nasty things they continually do to you. They are in one word, evil.
@@IFY0USEEKAY🫨🫨🫨🫨🫨🤦♂️WOW
I used to always tell my covert “you should be an attorney because you always have to be right” she would always try and change the tone of my communications. I’d say “I didn’t say it like that, I said this!” (Gas lighting!) it messes with your head making you question yourself and the reality of the relationship. Couldn’t connect emotionally or have a “heart to heart conversation”
Hello from California oc 🎉happy new year
Every conversation with my x female narc was a total mind game. She could never follow threw with any plans for us always future faking. They have no true identity always feeding off their supply for their emotional needs. A professional victim. True damaged soul..
My youngest brother is a covert narcissist.he has played the victim for years.there is always some new disease or ailment he seems to have. Narcissists don't seem to have the Courage and Fortitude to go out into the world all alone,and make their own way, they are Vampires! They need us!
The cycles that you go through, you through again and again. I really think this is a great film and we should all be talking about this as these people cause havoc in all sectors of society. Mine was a perpetual victim and was downtrodden by everyone, but looking back everyone was triangulated to get the outcome he wanted. I made a film about the cycles to show people just a snippet of what it is like to be in a relationship with one of these.
My first husband was a Covert Narcissist. I thought I could cheer him up. I paid him room and board and waited on him. He wouldn’t consummate the marriage because I was too fat ( I was 5’8” and weighed 123-3 pounds less than Miss America of the same height). I refused a raise because it would have made me richer than he was. He never said he loved me or praised me.
That sucks.
Wow!
Ever dumb yourself down for anyone! It won’t stop until you are totally destroyed!
"That never happened." Their all time favorite.
Somehow it never happens, it never happened! Their ability of having selective memory and convenient "circumstances" are always unbelievable!!!
Thank you! My husband will not EVER give me any kind of compliment about my sewing, painting, cooking, sex, nothing - or encourage my endeavors. Thank you for the affirmation!!
I’m praying for a solution. I’m 71 and not financially able to divorce.
Praying 🙏🏼😥
Grew up with one brother and his narcissistic ways have been an onslaught for 50+ years. He was able to split up a 55 year marriage of my parents and then enjoyed watching them get destroyed. He is the scariest person I know. I haven’t spoken to him for 20 years. He’s dangerous and predictably unpredictable. Only time has been on my side because my cousins are coming around one by one letting me know they ‘see him’. Omg Dr Phil you hit the nail on the head!
My brother even tells people he’s a non commission officer and a medic in war. Lmao! People believe his baloney. He’s never gone to higher education and had to take classes in elementary school twice. Yet he thinks he’s the cats pajamas. Ugh
You're awesome Dr. Phil. I'm from Brazil and I do believe I got into a relationship with a Covert girl. At the start, I had the feeling "that's something really wrong here".
And one story that I talk about with my support. That one day we were at an event, and I just have met her(like one month), and I said "Next week its your birthday, are you happy?" She looked with a face (like mad or something) and said: "It's not my birthday, It's in the next month". I was confused since I checked her social media and saw the day it was, and after I got that confused face, she looked at me with a cynical face and said "You see how easy is to create confusion in a person".
Something that I learned, it's that we have the feeling that something is wrong, but she was so sweet (sometimes) and I really tried to save her, to help her, and she kept bitting my mind with lies, deception, and gaslighting. It's so hard and painful to leave, but I know I'll be alright. Thanks, Dr. for the free content that helps us leave this kind of situation. And something that I heard from a friend that make me think about it. "You know, that's some venom in the world that are sweet...but doesn't meter if it's sweet and tasty, it's still poison."
I'm sorry to know that was your experience with your father. I've been married to a very covert narcissist for over 37 years. No fun. Warm--and I mean WARM--greetings from Waco. 🥵🌼
@@strongwolfmommyFYI Thank you! I'll take them even when they're online. 🥲❤️
They subtely try to destroy you behind closed doors and contribute nothing...until there's something to take credit for. Then they show up to take credit for all your work. Example, I spent months writing a database for my work and at the Christmas party that year, he apparently told my boss that he wrote it for me. I found out a year later on my last day working there. I went to say bye to my boss and asked him for advice, and he mentioned it, so my boss basically thought I was lying the whole time. So many things like this happened. Meanwhile the narc had no job.
Absolutely! I'm always amazed by their laziness, but they still manage to get praise for "their" work. I had a co-worker like this. She was at the same level as me, but had formed strategic friendships with key players in management, and actually managed to convince many at the company that she was my boss. She took credit for my ideas and work (including ideas that she had dismissed and criticized), did very little of the actual work, but was always front and centre for the acknowledgement. They need the supply of adulation, but aren't willing to do the work. The also get supply from your reaction to seeing them get away with it - it makes them feel superior.
@Gneiss365 wow, and so many people just believe them. I had a supervisor literally put her name on a huge research report I conducted and wrote. She just put her name on it and she was praised for all the work she did. No mention of my contribution. Terrible leaders who just use people. She even contacted me years later to recruit me to work for her. Umm, no thanks. 👎
Thanks Dr. Phil. Your common sense makes understanding difficult people so much more relatable. You truly have the gift of communication.
Covert narcissists are very difficult to spot but if they were a mix of covert and somatic, if both types found in one narc, the victim is doomed and needs a miracle to survive
❤Dr Phil breaking it down so WELL..... One of my favorite people for over 20 years!
thank you Dr Phil , you are 100% right
My dad is a preacher started preaching at 15 years old..Hes 72 still preaching..He Loves to tell me how wrong I am...That I have a bad memory..That my brain doesn't work right. 4 1/2 years ago he kicked me inside of the DMV and of course denies it . He absolutely accuses me of doing things that I don't do..When he is the 1 who hurts me..I cut him off 3 1/2 years ago no contact..So peaceful ..He still calls me wondering why I don't want to talk 🤷 I just let him leave a message..then I delete it without listening to it.. Absolutely crazy Dr.Phil u would love talking to me..my life wow.. actually I would love to talk to you...I'm 47
that is so true... my mother could never give us a compliment, and when someone gave us a compliment, she would say something nasty to take the compliment away, almost out of jealousy. I had lost a lot of weight when i was 19, and i had a new bathing suit. My aunt gave me a compliment on my shape, and my mother had to add: ...but she has big legs like her paternal grandmother . She said that in front of everybody, to make me feel bad after receiving a nice compliment. This is mean. She was always comparing us to her. If we came back with a good grade in writing for example, she would always say: well, I always got 100% in writing. Which would always make us feel like she was better then us, as if the 92% grade was not good enough.
My dad was a overt narcissist hidden to me by his alcoholism. Reading his journal after his death he wrote after becoming sober I read who he really was. Because of him I left home at 16, taking my mom with me and we moved into a apartment along with my then 19 yr old boyfriend. He actually came up with the idea to get the place. A month later with some subliminal pressure from my mom because she was embarrassed with me living in a apartment with my boyfriend, so I was married 30 days after moving in. The boyfriend turned out to be a a covert narcissist. In the beginning he was my hero, he ended up being my worst enemy. He has by his choice no relationship with his kids. It started out as his choice but it’s their’s now. The youngest my boy was the first to write him off, they never had a close bond anyway and says he isn’t worth the drama he brings. My middle child tried the hardest to please him because she had been his favorite. But once I was rid of him he wanted her to be his adult and that ended that. My oldest always wanted to be a daddy’s girl but he held a grudge against her for being a mommy’s girl at 2 yrs old. In the end she used him for monetary things until the cost to do that became to much. He became a alcoholic after I kicked him out of the house when the oldest was 15 and my boy, the youngest was 6. I was left with CPTSD, chronic depression and anxiety, my now grown 3 kids, my granddaughters who he doesn’t know (3 never met) and a home.
He has nothing.
He’s on disability because he caught himself on fire while sleeping to close to the campfire while homeless. He got severe burns to his leg and hand. We don’t know where he stays and we, me and his children, don’t care. My kids say until the day he dies he will believe I wouldn’t have kicked him out if I wouldn’t have been influenced by my best friend and he hates her for it. She doesn’t care what happens to him either.
I mean you certainly care enough to share extremely personal events regarding your children. Its cool tho u didn't tell that many people. Lol
I didn’t share names just that they exist. They are doing alright.
Thank you for covering this type of narcissist!
My covert narc mother-in-law is a master triangulator. My husband takes our son to see her every Friday. When people ask her if she sees much of her grandson, she makes a sad face and shrugs, then says, "Well his parents are busy" as if she is making excuses for us keeping her grandson from her. Her beother's girlfriend jumped my sister's husband at their workplace because I am keeping my son from his Grandma. She would never just say, "Yep, every Friday! I love it!"
Dr. Phil, you did great in life. Your father had every reasons to be proud of you.
Thank you very much. I laughed for 12 minutes....That´s so spot on....!!!! wow
Oh wow, makes so much sense now. Thank you.
This video just wants me to say to my wife how wonderful she truly is and how proud i am of my daughter.
It is really bad when someone consider their own children like some kind of competition.
I love this man 🥹❤️Thank You ~ we are proud of you- true ENFJ❤️❤️
Hello Dani where are you from
I think many of us have used some of the comments here but are not covert narcissists. I enjoy listening to Dr. Phil because I learn something new every time.
Wow, I definitely hear the blame shame guilt and criticism and then when I bring it up at a counselor she vehemently denies and all blame is dumped on me.
Also I’m accused of not having any empathy when the opposite is true. There’s so many things hitting home I may have to watch it again.
She tries to turn the counselor against you? Use the voice recorder on your phone and get some of her audio to play to the counselor.
Dr. Phil, I want to thank you for the unintentional laugh! (When you were covering some of those gaslighting phrases. From you it was a little funny. Because I've dealt with so many people who were dead serious saying stuff like that before and from them it's maddening!)
I really needed the laugh!
Happy holidays to you and all your family and friends!!!
😊🕊️😁🦓🙃❤️🩹🤭
My mother was a covert narcissist. She left a trail of destruction between family, friends and even acquaintances. Also, used her high intelligence as a bragging point and also a weapon. Jealous of her own daughter (me). Humiliated me every chance she got, never proud of my accomplishments. Triangulation between my siblings was another thing she fed off of.
I am not taking responsibility for the narcissists bad behavior over and over in the process ruining my 11 year old sons life!!!!
That’s why I’m seeking Justice. His name is Luke.
Thank you, grateful!!
You know… I always considered Dr.Phil to be a narcissist. 🤷♀️
I only noticed a small amount in the way he conversates with some people where it almost seems like he’s mentally tiring them out. Could just be how he talks though
I like this having the understanding of this nature. It a good tool that I put in my tool box. Yes im trying not to step on this land mind. Thanks
I watch his show daily👍
These types of very informative videos should be screened to 2nd level high school students. Nobody talks about this stuff, because until you've found out the hard way, nobody is aware that they deal with these strange individuals everyday. Forewarned is forearmed. My advice is to steer clear of these strange people, but if you can't avoid them, don't take their bullsh?t
Yeah that will never happen! They'd rather teach 2nd graders to be trannies, shove LGBT matters down all students throats, dumb them down, feminize the males and promote the objectification of women.
This is a wealth of information! My mother is this type and at 55 I’m finally in therapy. Now I’ve been unraveling the patterns and thinking I’m gonna “ Bruce Lee “ my way out of this 😬✌️😄 🤦🏼♀️ This is Ans has been a process ❤️✌️🤪
U did awesome
Dr. Phil, I want you for my son. You are the greatest. Thanks.
The sad truth . Dr Phil is spot on
Really enjoying these Doc. Can you do one on narcissistic behaviour in Parental Alienation? Thanks
My covert narcissist bought me a perfume and complimented me by saying he bought it for me so i xan feel good about myself. This man is beyond filled with darkness. He needs to be validated, attention, and admiration. He hates to be criticism, but he loves to critisize everyone. He has destroyed me, and had told me that without him i will homeless, and no other man will love me. He is very paranoid. He worships his fake muscles, his money, everything that makes him feel powerful, but deep inside he is evil. I need to get out because i lost who i was😭
You gave me goosebumps you described my ex wife and said word for word what she says
Sounds like my covert narc parents! They broke my spirit. I went no contact. I'm better now, but it has taken many years!
Exactly this! 😢
Married for 20 years and finding out today my wife is a covert narcissist. Now she is divorcing me and parental alienating my children.
My 9yo after I took 10 years of criticism and being one that thinks there is something about constructive criticism-, after that 10 years, I finally figured out it was not me. He fought for custody and she seemed to WANT to be with her daddy. At first, it was OK as I saw her happy driving around with Daddy riding shotgun. Until he got a new GF. (BTW I was 17 and he was 24 and I never let anyone put their hands on me before marriage) He trained me well as a live-in cook, maid, babysitter, laundry, yard help, etc...) Before I left, my daughter pretty much treated me like her daddy did. AND After I left, He treated her like she was me! She is 58. She got married at 18 to a total BUM - and her a son before 19. He committed suicide in 2017. I could see it coming. She never allowed me even to get to know my grandchildren and they all hate me. It is heartbreaking. At least these days there is some help via the internet - back then the only psych I knew about was some book "I'm OK You're OK" and that was about it. The damage parents cause their children is heartbreaking. I never badmouthed her daddy to her. I never told her my story (her story) because I didn't want to burden her with adult problems and wanted her to have as happy childhood as possible. It is important for the two of you to get counseling along with her - I can see several generations of children being damaged from being used as a tool to inflict pain upon one parent or the other..., and then they use themselves as a tool to USE against BOTH :(
I was maried to one and you are spot on! Thank you
Boy did you nail this!! I know someone exactly like this!? A victim!!
I was waiting for "it must be nice"! If only I had a nickel for every time I heard that! That was my ex's go-to! The entitlement was strong with that one...
The covert narcissist on my family is ripping us apart! But, I have God on my side! Nothing is impossible for God.
After observing John Stewart, a true patriot. Trying to get PACT Act passed just like he did for the survivors of 9/11. Love the older folks, so easy to get attached to. Being raised by grandparents, we are sensitives. Not victims, survivors guilt. we go to the basement to replace ductwork. Humble and kind. Tim McGraw tells it like it is in The Shack. As we hang out with those in nursing home. It is about the patient.
"Must be nice..." That really resonates with me. I can't even count the number of times I've heard that. Maybe it's their way of giving themselves the green light to do whatever they like, no matter how wrong they know it is. Because, entitlement.
Funny thing, when Dr. Phil says you’ll be left doubting your own name.
My narcissistic mother is deceased, I’m inheriting her major house, it’s hoarded and I’m cleaning it out. So, I’ve been going through her papers.
For at least the past 10-15 years before she died and before I went no contact 5 years ago, I was sure she’d been spelling her name one way. One day, she started spelling it differently. I told her that she hadn’t always spelled her name that way and she said she had. I didn’t bother to look through any correspondence I had. I mean, heck, if she wanted to call herself Mini Mouse, what do I care? I called her mom.
But, sure enough, as I was going through her paperwork, I saw in her handwriting, the former spelling of her name. Funny thing is that, I hate the spelling of my name and she really didn’t want me to change it. Changing her name was only HER option.
But, it brings credence to the fact that these people are everything from not knowing who they are, to having double standards where they can do what they want and you’d better not.
She’s probably spinning in her grace right now (if she’d actually made it there). Because me even cleaning her house and all that stuff in there means she not only has no control over her house, but she doesn’t get to keep my life in spin, while she vacillates about what to hold onto, which would’ve chewed through my life, for years.
Dr. Phil thank you. I have been used over and over again by a covert narcissist who does exactly like you said .claims she is a victim and she would be better and more successful and rich if she had help like i seemed to get and the other people she knows who have surpassed her, that get help. She is the most envious person I know. Never gives a compliment. Expects people to cow-tow to her and she really seems a bit off with delusions of grandeur. Always looking for sympathy and playing the victim card. Hard to be around her. Her passive aggressiveness is also very insulting to me. I'm done with her.
Married 3 decades to a covert narc was a 30 year war that nearly killed me.
Is there any type of narcissist that can give compliments without just in purpose of making themselves come across as nice? I'v been near one in work-situation and I think he's not just a narcissist but also a sociopath. I say sociopath and not psychopath because this person cares a lot about animals. Rescues them. Otherwise he is that classic type that pretends to be your friend and even protector and then he turns on you in the most malicious way. He often said to me; "Everywhere you are there is trouble" but he also could say "I have talked to so and so and they think you are doing a very good job". Now I think he used that compliment as a way to come across as the really nice guy. It was to make him look better - not me feeling better of my work. Thank you for a great show, greetings from Sweden.
Sounds like my covert narc MIL. I have NEVER heard her compliment my husband, not once!
Narcissists will never be happy in life. As they age they get even worse.