Men and women face unique challenges with respect to being able to love. In this episode, I will address each of these challenges in turn. The issue with women is that their love -- while pure -- tends to get mixed up with a bunch of other impurities. Consequently, women need to filter their transmission of love until it is unadulterated. On the other hand, the issue with men is that life demands that they become hard, and then -- having become hard -- to soften. As a result, men need to love like a tree, which is firm and dependable without being rigid and unyielding. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: th-cam.com/channels/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXw.htmljoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sponsor an episode: oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode Sound mixing/editing by @valntinomusic. Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #relationship #love
there is no LOVE (love is nothing more than a chemical reaction in the brain) what you mean is relationships words have meaning the fact that you get them mixed up is not a coincident you are blue pilling on order to see the world not for what it is do you have to lie a lot as therapist? (annyway relationships are compomise and submission to be a better cog in the machine)
As a woman I was thinking about it…….and she shouldnt be controlling, everybody needs time, or some private space to relax, or recharge the mental battery, or find idea to read books, or meet friends……..because through these activities people grow their creativity and intelligence and such men can never be boring if they are suronded by nice male friends or people of the same profession etc………..I dont think that other women dont think this, because from history letters and documents we see such women existed for example Antonin Dvorak’s wife was like that… if he wad afraid to admit the offering going to America, she encouraged him to do it, because she knew how he was struggling in poverty since childhood, and when the family and kids were voting whether to admit the offering to go to America she even manipulated the vote to go there. She always supported his success and disliked people who were against him. He wanted to go to America but he suffered from agoraphobia and also at that time hundred years ago some ships ended up in sea so he was hesitating for technical reasons, not because of not wanting it. Such women exist but not many talk about it on tv.
The point about women needing to use discernment, self reflection, and honesty to filter out impurities that contaminate their love is very true. It is challenging to hold myself in integrity in this way, but I believe this kind of pure approach is a moral imperative. Embracing Stoic philosophy has been really helpful here.
Depends on what your SUBCONSCIOUS idea of masculinity is. Many women reject suitable men, but are subconsciously attracted to a guy who is to all intents and purposes, charming, charismatic and masculine, but as soon as he is married he becomes a narcissistic control freak, who, one day, takes the life of the cats and dogs, maybe the horses, the kids, the wife, burns down the house and walks into the woods and shoots himself. THAT is the kind of man women ‘fall for’ because they reject intelligence and gentle strength as WEAKNESS, and MISTAKE a sociopath for a ‘charming charismatic man’.
I had ended a relationship and she tried to make my life a misery for about 3 years after. She tried to ruin my reputation amongst my friends. She even tried to interfere with longstanding customers of mine. She went so far as to create hundreds of fake ads online using my mobile number to ensure my phone rang 24/7. When I discussed this with females - they all responded with "WOW! She must have really loved you!". It was at this moment I realized that men and women do not share a common definition for love. If that is what you call love - I want none of it. Ever. That is the exact opposite of what I call love. Thank you Dr. Taraban, I appreciate you always explaining the differences between us and not spewing the usual "we are the same" nonsense.
I read men's dating advice that said that if you break up with a woman who thinks you're great and wants to be with you, then there's a good chance she'll ruin your life. This advice said that the solution to this problem is to act like a crying, insecure, unattractive beta for a while. That way, she's disgusted and will leave you alone. Can confirm that from personal experience, if you cry and share insecurity with a woman, she will become unattracted to you and break up with you.
The ladies meant that she loved you when she WAS with you. Not now. They say that because of her strong emotional response to not being with you. She wasn't loving you when she was antagonizing you. She was acting out in anger because she couldn't get what she wanted from you. This is an improper, unhealthy and low self-control response to anger. It isn't love. Also, the comment above had interesting advice. Act feminine with her and be all over her with too much affection like she is your only priority in life, and you'll turn her off to the point of her being glad she isn't with you. I've never thought of that. What a simple way to deal with that type of thing lol. Its manipulative though and it requires dishonesty, so there is no guarantee that would work, and if she has a scarcity mindset or has an unhealthy attachment or is just extremely loyal to you, she might just stick around even though she is turned off and doesn't like your behavior. So you'll be taking a chance. Then she'll be even more mad that you left because she stuck with you, even though you turned her off. So I think honesty like you've been doing is actually best.
@Yumirow Her vengeful attitude is certainly not love. That's her uncontrolled anger. Assuming he left her, her anger comes from him leaving her, which hurt her. It hurt her because she loved him, and she thought he loved her and she figured things would stay that way. So breaking up with her is like throwing a huge wrench in all of that, and changing her whole life path around. So the anger is understandable, but the immature and vengeful actions are not. If she had no love for him, she would have been unaffected by the breakup because she would not have been hurt, and therefore, she would not have been angry.
A young (late 20s) man I was involved with once said to me, "You will always be able to find a man to take care of you. I, on the other hand, have to earn a living." I was young and pretty and couldn't argue with the statement. My water love could flow in many directions and sustain me as it could be polluted with wanting to be taken care of; his love had to be firm toward his work and a little bit soft toward a woman. Thank you for the insight.
Liked your analogy. I was well into my 30s before I realized that as human beings; men and women were vastly more fundamentally different than I assumed. Was married/divorced. Several LTRs.These wmn, except for two, all had significant psychological issues. Bad enough that a lifelong commitment was not a viable option. At breakup, they usually became cold; even hostile. With wmn, a relationship is transactional. What have you done for me lately? The truest loyalty and love has come from my dogs. Have always bonded very strongly. They were always glad to see me. Asked very little of me. Appreciated everything I did for them. The wmn, fell far short. 🤔🤔🤔
Don't know about this one doc. The impurities you mentioned do indeed stand in the way of love. They are basically a result of insecurity and fear, but they are present in both women and men. Its a universal problem we have to individually address within ourselves. Also, i think your tree analogy is a little off. Small trees somehow get the nutrients and the sunlight they need to grow big in the first place. So really, its as if the rest of the forest shares its nutrients with the smaller, softer and weaker ones. So really, we should be more like the forest where we show love to one another, no matter how soft or weak, in order to help one another grow strong.
The criticism you gave is valuable, but the conclusion is questionable. Continuing you line of thought; the water analogy is also off, the dirty water can still do what it's supposed to do, but it brings with it other things/consequences. We can in theory drink that dirty water and then take meds to help heal from additional unneeded diseases. The analogy is right in the sense that it tells us what's expected of us, but because its drawn from something that isn't fundamentally human it can not be taken any further and remain useful/true .
Though i completely understand the existence of these impurities in many women's expression of love, i think it is only fair to admit that thisalso occurs in many men's expression of love, as well. Women, too, are trained to harden themselves against the potential from being or feeling used, and in this day and age must also work to carve out a place for themselves in society in order to be loved and respected. Of course, I acknowledge that this is less so compared to men and women are more expected to behave this way with the world at large and not romantically. My argument then is that the greatest takeaway from this talk is to practice self awareness and filtering, regardless of your gender. To have that level of self control is also an act of self respect and respect for others -- which in turn will help your relationships.
@@cosmicystn3626 because 1. We are not that different; 2. Many men have no qualms about using women savagely. We have to know how to protect ourselves.
Love is not water. Love is not feelings. Love is placing what is good for the other ahead of one's self interests. Love is forgiving the other's trespasses as you yourself would want to be forgiven Loving is doing for the other what you would want to be done to yourself. If you cannot do this or don't want to do this then you do not have love and any relationship you have with a man or a woman is just utilitarian and using him or her. Our problem is not love like water or being hard trees, it is a selfish utilitarianism that has become a pandemic these days.
Many a woman will seek to break a man's resolve. If he doesn't break, she will claim he's closed off. If he does break, she will claim he's too soft for her.
Great examples. I love how you focused on nature in used water 💦 and tree 🌴 analogy. Just to add, when you explain a man should be firm and soften little bit, I was thinking of bamboo. Bamboo 🎋 is very strong hard firm, yet flexible and malleable.
Most of your stuff is pretty interesting but this is one of the most profound and original ways of putting this I have heard. The thing about women's love is especially important for guys to hear. Whether it's love from their wives, mothers, or anyone else, to recognize both the purity in the "water" and the toxicity of the "impurities" and not confuse one for the other is just so important.
Unable to perceive the shape of you, I find you all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with your love, it humbles my heart. For you are everywhere.
I got the women part but I still can’t see how being hard contributes to giving and receiving love for men. But if we’re talking about life in general it’s very true! Thank you so much, love your videos
Yep. After a new coworker had been in my company for a few months (maybe even a year), we could chat and make fun of each other and share opinions, but when I asked her what she thought of me when she first saw/came across me, and she said she was terrified. Unless I know someone after time, I have a “go f*** yourself’ face. (Btw, I am/was what most consider a nerd/nice guy).
There's an authenticity on your contents as you grow Dr. O , keep sharing , keep educating boys . I'm not surprised anyway that you're growing the moment that I saw your channel I told this will grow and he'll touch ppl's lives and can open ppl's eyes and minds. Though sometimes I hardly understand because terminologies are too deep 😃for me but it's fine🤚. Love, Peace , Joy, Wisdom and Abundance to All 🙏
Having and sharing of emotions is not a lack of strength, it is an amazing display of it. You need strength to deal with and process your feelings and lived experiences. Hard, closed off men are horrible to date, I spent 2 years with one that near the end said "he didn't know if he does, or ever does, believe in love or what it is". That's when it was over for me, he simply was incapable. He was also so paranoid from absorbing too much red pill he pushed me away, I could see his hatred of women. Never again, send me the sensitive types that have inner strength.
Hard and closed off men are hard to date, you are with one for two years. When a man is sensitive in front of a women, deal with it by not treating him like one of your girlfriends and treat it with care and respect. Men have hard time showing emotion and heart because it’s truly a vulnerable spot. It like being naked.
@@ethansevilla1395 of course, he should be vulnerable with me if I'm his woman, who else would he be like that with? I'm not the type attracted to stereotypical masculine ideals anyway.
@@tinap8227 not attracted to stereotypical masculine ideals? But I guarantee you still want him be taller and stronger than you Tho? Your not attracted horrible extreme masculine ideals, but it normal to be attracted to masculine ideals. Masculinity is not bad.
@@ethansevilla1395 my last bf was half an inch shorter than me, and probably no stronger than me as I go to the gym and he didn't. So stop projecting onto me your own preconceptions.
I enjoyed the tree analogy and the parallels and even identify with some of it. I also agree about softness being used maybe too much, however soft does not always mean “not tough” depending on the material it is made from. Some Bulletproof-vests can be both hard and soft/durable. We all have masculine and feminine traits, I think it’s possibly wise to not lean heavily on either, instead use what the situation calls for in the time it is most advantageous and helpful. This is based on only personal experiences that I’ve had. And what’s helpful for me might not be best for someone else though.
Great message Dr. Taraban! Moving forward in our society given that we move back to the nuclear family mothers and fathers respectively need to help their sons or daughters understand the difference. Thank you Dr. Taraban for all the great content you make in this great channel of yours!
your ideal view of the family structure is just that: yours. your own subjective view on what a “good or bad” family is. in reality there are good “traditional” families and bad ones, there are good “non traditional” families and bad ones. society doesn’t need to follow a strict definition of the idea family structure. society will just do as it does. prescribing your beliefs onto others is an authoritarian way of thinking, and against the tenants of a truly free society.
Look at Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Her love seems to be filled with acquisitiveness, pride, envy, etc. His love is too soft, he doesn't stand firm with her when he needs to do so (such as that awful Netflix scene where she talked about curtseying to the Queen).
I don’t know if someone here like fantasy books, but wheel of time, this video kinda describe one aspect of the protagonist journey. They are really good books, the nuance about differences between the masculine and feminine are a key aspect from the history.
Marriage, sex and childbirth rates are at all time lows because women have a 5x stronger own group gender preference making men disposable wallets. This guy is in damage control mode.
I believe if we learn to open the Heart we can share the Love within us! If we learn to see both sides of the events simultaneously as it happens, we won't need to be hard...Love & Wisdom!
Well, in that case I am pretty on my way to love. Since my last break up I am starting to soften up and feel love, for myself. It is still very scary but it also feels good when I surrender to it. Thanx for the vid!😊
"If a tree gets too hard, it will break." That one explained exactly what I have not found words to express. While my Mother definitely has difficulty filtering her water, I had spent 20 years trying to help her filter her water. Not for selfish intent, but for her so she could not push people away, and form strong relationships. Well, let's just say, after all those years of enduring, the tree got to rigid. Now she thinks I hate her, because there is only anger left to give, and it hurts my relationships with others, because I don't know how to fix it...
Time to do some self reflection my friend. You are the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. Direct yourself back to being firm, my friend👍🏾
Some relationships are unfixable. Sometimes the only way is to step away from a relationship, go no contact at least for a while. A drowning man can't help anyone. You need to fix yourself first.
Now this lecture is one of your Top Three!! It makes sense and is plain and simple. And all we human beings need to be reminded of who we really are, and appreciate that difference. Bravo!!
I thought love was all around, a universal thing that’s in the environment and culture we are born into. But here it sounds like their is path to travel to love. Not only is their a path to love but their are bad paths and forks in the road. More paths are a way of messing it up: avoiding or impairing destroying love. Perhaps generations being ignorant to the wholesome path, thinking that love is a birth-given, would further suggest that their has been a history of complacency, ignorance and lots of needed work hasn’t been considered or done and that horrible mistakes have been made in neverneverland. The crisis of modern dating and marriages likely proves that we need real world love and relationship education.
"Relationship education" is what got us here. I was taught in college that being a gentleman was sexist because chivalry is sexist. Now I treat women like I do random men. They don't like it and I don't care. This is what happens when you institutionalize misandry and make our degrees dependent on learning it. We stop caring. You either die young enough for women to call you "insecure" while they sleep with your friends, or you live long enough to be "emotionally unavailable". The best answer as a man is to love yourself because a woman sure as fuck won't love you no matter how well you treat her or how much you listen to her.
What’s the difference with sharing something and using someone as a ‘dumping ground’ for your emotions? My husband can tell me anything, he has for the last 18 yrs. What he didn’t do is use me as a dumping ground or a therapist, and neither have I used him as one. We talk a lot. Period. That’s it. He tells me what’s bothering him and I tell him what’s bothering me and we try to sort each others issues out. The end.
I like thinking of the hardness and suppleness thing as more like a spring. Can support great loads but can temporarily deform to protect itself and the rest of the vehicle.
I think you should also be able to not give yourself the fault always, you can be the strongest tree, if someone comes in thats completely insecure, avoidant and unsure about her emotions it can still bring you down
Well said. I believe that the break down of family (and many other areas)has been strategic, so not only do we need to understand ourselves better, we need to understand the forces that do not want family to be a strong stabilizing force. I agree that women do expect men to be like them, which doesn't work, because we are different. Hopefully, when men understand that we struggle as much to understand them, as they do us and that there are forces that do not want us united, both sexes will be able to move forward, with a greater respect for each other. Although we are different, what we both bring to the table is important and valuable and when we can work constructively with each other, the complementarity brings an amazing skill set.
Wisdom. Thanks for these snipits. I'm unable to afford the quality that you provide in the one on one, but you have put a lot of great nuggets out here for me. And I appreciate it. You can see this hardness in the faces of high school graduates from the 1940-1960's compared to the graduates of the 80's on. They looked like men and women in the 40-60's. Softness increases as you get closer to today.
You are getting it wrong - it’s not so black and white guys. A guy like Tate may say very toxic and silly things 60% of the time but the other 40% he is saying very valid things that men could learn from. Same with Jordan and pretty much every other creator in the space. Rollo, Tate, Jordan, Sartain, psych hacks etc etc are all needed .. just take what you need and dispose of the rest
Jordan Peterson is not about “relationships” but life. You can’t even begin to employ this advice until you’ve mastered yourself, and Mr. Peterson is the gold standard for how to begin and continue that process. Andrew Tate is a heel pro wrestler who gets over -and noticed- with being obnoxious, but has enough truth in his message to have credibility. But yeah he’s a starting point for many at this point.
Sometimes I feel like being a man is like learning to eat bitter stones. It toughens you up, but it makes you digest more than you knew you could, and this in turn makes you more tolerant and welcoming to what life has to offer.
As an HSP Male it has been such a tightrope to walk in life. Taking care of oneself and honoring the intensity and subtleties of my emotional world which usually are not matched by women at all. Yet, the development of strength within that beauty has given me an earned steadiness I do not see in the average male either. While I am open to having a woman in my life who would also honor that, most importantly I honor the strength and flexibility in myself first and foremost.
Does this analogy imply that men's love doesn't have any impurities in it? I don't see why it wouldn't have lust, jealousy, etc. polluting it as much as women's love does.
@@forgottenfuryan Loyalty is predominantly a male feature, yes. Bad boys or Chads aren't loyal though. They have lower impulse control and are unpredictable, exiting. Women love them and want to fix them, which never succeeds. With them the woman gets in her books to be the morally superior and gets excuses not to examine themselves and their choises. Chad becomes the scapegoat and women start blaming men in general.
@@franknada8235 I don't think you fully understand chads. When he gets girls they tend to let them self s go. Same as if you got a girl and she showed herself not to be wife's material, would you expect me to demand you stay loyal to her. Especially with the likely hood that she seeing other guys as well? Not saying you personally, when a man is jealous of the girls that chad gets he is looking at chad as a bad dude. When the reality is he has it harder because he has to decipher who is good through all of them, not just one
@@rppope1006 Understand? Haha. Chad is just a meme, a gestalt, not real and its attributes are flexible. If you identify as one I understand the need to "correct" according to your preferences. That's your prerogative and I have mine.
I think men aren't primarily judged / selected as a mate by women based on the purity of their love. A homeless jobless male poet who loves a woman super hard, isn't respected by either society or by most women. Sure a man's love isn't pure (they overvalue boob size for example) but that's not a critical obstacle to dating success for them. Meanwhile a lot of average men would be happy to date a woman who truly loved them, even if she didn't have exceptional qualities or virtues. Yes, I know the most attractive guys are pickier than this, but I think this is true for the average man.
Maybe instead of getting hard, you could say grow your roots, which serves as the foundation that is unseen by others (AKA self knowledge) before working on your ego, or the part of you that is seen by others
Ok. Interesting analogies. The only thing to be added is what you are saying love is. What is the water in the analogy for women and what is it that men who are adequately, supply, rigid can give to women that is love?
I didn't understand what is the problem was with women... What do you mean by separate it from other emotions.... Like how do we mix love with other stuff or filter it out???
Men and women face unique challenges with respect to being able to love. In this episode, I will address each of these challenges in turn. The issue with women is that their love -- while pure -- tends to get mixed up with a bunch of other impurities. Consequently, women need to filter their transmission of love until it is unadulterated. On the other hand, the issue with men is that life demands that they become hard, and then -- having become hard -- to soften. As a result, men need to love like a tree, which is firm and dependable without being rigid and unyielding.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #relationship #love
there is no LOVE
(love is nothing more than a chemical reaction in the brain)
what you mean is relationships
words have meaning
the fact that you get them mixed up is not a coincident
you are blue pilling on order to see the world not for what it is
do you have to lie a lot as therapist?
(annyway relationships are compomise and submission to be a better cog in the machine)
Told you you would make 100k subscribers. Speak the truth. People are hungry for it. Jordan Peterson 2.0 my man!
As a woman I was thinking about it…….and she shouldnt be controlling, everybody needs time, or some private space to relax, or recharge the mental battery, or find idea to read books, or meet friends……..because through these activities people grow their creativity and intelligence and such men can never be boring if they are suronded by nice male friends or people of the same profession etc………..I dont think that other women dont think this, because from history letters and documents we see such women existed for example Antonin Dvorak’s wife was like that… if he wad afraid to admit the offering going to America, she encouraged him to do it, because she knew how he was struggling in poverty since childhood, and when the family and kids were voting whether to admit the offering to go to America she even manipulated the vote to go there. She always supported his success and disliked people who were against him. He wanted to go to America but he suffered from agoraphobia and also at that time hundred years ago some ships ended up in sea so he was hesitating for technical reasons, not because of not wanting it. Such women exist but not many talk about it on tv.
Zero drama , pure information, love the content.
The point about women needing to use discernment, self reflection, and honesty to filter out impurities that contaminate their love is very true. It is challenging to hold myself in integrity in this way, but I believe this kind of pure approach is a moral imperative. Embracing Stoic philosophy has been really helpful here.
As a man, I'd be very interested in a more detailed video of what this "hardening" entails.
I chuckled throughout the video, but yes, more details would be insightful.
I agree! I was just telling a friend yesterday that I’m not attracted to so many men because they are lacking masculinity, not femininity.
Most women lack femininity and fail to start a family at their highest SMV.
Then why do women support feminism?
Depends on what your SUBCONSCIOUS idea of masculinity is. Many women reject suitable men, but are subconsciously attracted to a guy who is to all intents and purposes, charming, charismatic and masculine, but as soon as he is married he becomes a narcissistic control freak, who, one day, takes the life of the cats and dogs, maybe the horses, the kids, the wife, burns down the house and walks into the woods and shoots himself. THAT is the kind of man women ‘fall for’ because they reject intelligence and gentle strength as WEAKNESS, and MISTAKE a sociopath for a ‘charming charismatic man’.
Most men nowadays are so weak and pathetic. More for me. But fundamentally disappointing
Betas!
I had ended a relationship and she tried to make my life a misery for about 3 years after. She tried to ruin my reputation amongst my friends. She even tried to interfere with longstanding customers of mine. She went so far as to create hundreds of fake ads online using my mobile number to ensure my phone rang 24/7. When I discussed this with females - they all responded with "WOW! She must have really loved you!". It was at this moment I realized that men and women do not share a common definition for love. If that is what you call love - I want none of it. Ever. That is the exact opposite of what I call love. Thank you Dr. Taraban, I appreciate you always explaining the differences between us and not spewing the usual "we are the same" nonsense.
I read men's dating advice that said that if you break up with a woman who thinks you're great and wants to be with you, then there's a good chance she'll ruin your life. This advice said that the solution to this problem is to act like a crying, insecure, unattractive beta for a while. That way, she's disgusted and will leave you alone. Can confirm that from personal experience, if you cry and share insecurity with a woman, she will become unattracted to you and break up with you.
No wonder they never come back for me!
@@HelloWorld-cq1sq LOL! That is genius. Experience, the thing you get just after you need it.
The ladies meant that she loved you when she WAS with you. Not now. They say that because of her strong emotional response to not being with you. She wasn't loving you when she was antagonizing you. She was acting out in anger because she couldn't get what she wanted from you. This is an improper, unhealthy and low self-control response to anger. It isn't love.
Also, the comment above had interesting advice. Act feminine with her and be all over her with too much affection like she is your only priority in life, and you'll turn her off to the point of her being glad she isn't with you. I've never thought of that. What a simple way to deal with that type of thing lol. Its manipulative though and it requires dishonesty, so there is no guarantee that would work, and if she has a scarcity mindset or has an unhealthy attachment or is just extremely loyal to you, she might just stick around even though she is turned off and doesn't like your behavior. So you'll be taking a chance. Then she'll be even more mad that you left because she stuck with you, even though you turned her off. So I think honesty like you've been doing is actually best.
@Yumirow Her vengeful attitude is certainly not love. That's her uncontrolled anger. Assuming he left her, her anger comes from him leaving her, which hurt her. It hurt her because she loved him, and she thought he loved her and she figured things would stay that way. So breaking up with her is like throwing a huge wrench in all of that, and changing her whole life path around. So the anger is understandable, but the immature and vengeful actions are not.
If she had no love for him, she would have been unaffected by the breakup because she would not have been hurt, and therefore, she would not have been angry.
A young (late 20s) man I was involved with once said to me, "You will always be able to find a man to take care of you. I, on the other hand, have to earn a living." I was young and pretty and couldn't argue with the statement. My water love could flow in many directions and sustain me as it could be polluted with wanting to be taken care of; his love had to be firm toward his work and a little bit soft toward a woman. Thank you for the insight.
Liked your analogy. I was well into my 30s before I realized that as human beings; men and women were vastly more fundamentally different than I assumed.
Was married/divorced. Several LTRs.These wmn, except for two, all had significant psychological issues. Bad enough that a lifelong commitment was not a viable option. At breakup, they usually became cold; even hostile. With wmn, a relationship is transactional. What have you done for me lately?
The truest loyalty and love has come from my dogs. Have always bonded very strongly. They were always glad to see me. Asked very little of me. Appreciated everything I did for them.
The wmn, fell far short. 🤔🤔🤔
Marriages and LTR....how long did you stay when you discovered psychological issues?
this is maybe the most relevant video especially for men
Don't know about this one doc. The impurities you mentioned do indeed stand in the way of love. They are basically a result of insecurity and fear, but they are present in both women and men. Its a universal problem we have to individually address within ourselves.
Also, i think your tree analogy is a little off. Small trees somehow get the nutrients and the sunlight they need to grow big in the first place. So really, its as if the rest of the forest shares its nutrients with the smaller, softer and weaker ones. So really, we should be more like the forest where we show love to one another, no matter how soft or weak, in order to help one another grow strong.
The criticism you gave is valuable, but the conclusion is questionable.
Continuing you line of thought; the water analogy is also off, the dirty water can still do what it's supposed to do, but it brings with it other things/consequences. We can in theory drink that dirty water and then take meds to help heal from additional unneeded diseases.
The analogy is right in the sense that it tells us what's expected of us, but because its drawn from something that isn't fundamentally human it can not be taken any further and remain useful/true .
Imagine that. Even trees have more compassion than humanity.
Though i completely understand the existence of these impurities in many women's expression of love, i think it is only fair to admit that thisalso occurs in many men's expression of love, as well. Women, too, are trained to harden themselves against the potential from being or feeling used, and in this day and age must also work to carve out a place for themselves in society in order to be loved and respected. Of course, I acknowledge that this is less so compared to men and women are more expected to behave this way with the world at large and not romantically.
My argument then is that the greatest takeaway from this talk is to practice self awareness and filtering, regardless of your gender. To have that level of self control is also an act of self respect and respect for others -- which in turn will help your relationships.
why do women think they have to be like/obsessed with being like men nowadays...
women had it wayy "worse" back then
Self-awareness is not nearly as helpful for men in love until they first earn their place in the world and the respect of themselves and other men.
The divorce rates will continue to climb until women accept that they are not men, never will be men, and shouldn’t want to try to be like men
@@cosmicystn3626 because 1. We are not that different; 2. Many men have no qualms about using women savagely. We have to know how to protect ourselves.
Another great explanation. Keep making the complicated seem simple. This channel is quickly becoming my fav.
Love is not water. Love is not feelings. Love is placing what is good for the other ahead of one's self interests. Love is forgiving the other's trespasses as you yourself would want to be forgiven Loving is doing for the other what you would want to be done to yourself. If you cannot do this or don't want to do this then you do not have love and any relationship you have with a man or a woman is just utilitarian and using him or her. Our problem is not love like water or being hard trees, it is a selfish utilitarianism that has become a pandemic these days.
Many a woman will seek to break a man's resolve. If he doesn't break, she will claim he's closed off. If he does break, she will claim he's too soft for her.
Great examples. I love how you focused on nature in used water 💦 and tree 🌴 analogy. Just to add, when you explain a man should be firm and soften little bit, I was thinking of bamboo. Bamboo 🎋 is very strong hard firm, yet flexible and malleable.
Most of your stuff is pretty interesting but this is one of the most profound and original ways of putting this I have heard. The thing about women's love is especially important for guys to hear. Whether it's love from their wives, mothers, or anyone else, to recognize both the purity in the "water" and the toxicity of the "impurities" and not confuse one for the other is just so important.
Unable to perceive the shape of you, I find you all around me.
Your presence fills my eyes with your love, it humbles my heart.
For you are everywhere.
I got the women part but I still can’t see how being hard contributes to giving and receiving love for men. But if we’re talking about life in general it’s very true! Thank you so much, love your videos
You are a hidden worshiper of the sacred fire Mr. O'Ryan. All the blessings for You on the path.
This was so important to hear. I got much harder in life and was feeling I lost something. But this is normal.
Yep. After a new coworker had been in my company for a few months (maybe even a year), we could chat and make fun of each other and share opinions, but when I asked her what she thought of me when she first saw/came across me, and she said she was terrified. Unless I know someone after time, I have a “go f*** yourself’ face. (Btw, I am/was what most consider a nerd/nice guy).
Don’t worry about your feelings. That’s feminine energy
Nope. It USED to be normal
Your analogy’s makes me more attentive to your message. Every-time I see the notification I know it’s a treat.
❤❤. Thank you for your amazing message to us. I'd love to be your assistant one day if I could 😂😂😂
youre such a fantastic teacher!
There's an authenticity on your contents as you grow Dr. O , keep sharing , keep educating boys . I'm not surprised anyway that you're growing the moment that I saw your channel I told this will grow and he'll touch ppl's lives and can open ppl's eyes and minds. Though sometimes I hardly understand because terminologies are too deep 😃for me but it's fine🤚.
Love, Peace , Joy, Wisdom and Abundance to All 🙏
Totally agree
Great analogy with the trees, the water, the wind. Excellent job, always easy to follow. Thanks, doctor.
Having and sharing of emotions is not a lack of strength, it is an amazing display of it. You need strength to deal with and process your feelings and lived experiences. Hard, closed off men are horrible to date, I spent 2 years with one that near the end said "he didn't know if he does, or ever does, believe in love or what it is". That's when it was over for me, he simply was incapable.
He was also so paranoid from absorbing too much red pill he pushed me away, I could see his hatred of women.
Never again, send me the sensitive types that have inner strength.
Hard and closed off men are hard to date, you are with one for two years. When a man is sensitive in front of a women, deal with it by not treating him like one of your girlfriends and treat it with care and respect. Men have hard time showing emotion and heart because it’s truly a vulnerable spot. It like being naked.
@@ethansevilla1395 of course, he should be vulnerable with me if I'm his woman, who else would he be like that with? I'm not the type attracted to stereotypical masculine ideals anyway.
@@tinap8227 not attracted to stereotypical masculine ideals? But I guarantee you still want him be taller and stronger than you Tho? Your not attracted horrible extreme masculine ideals, but it normal to be attracted to masculine ideals. Masculinity is not bad.
@@ethansevilla1395 my last bf was half an inch shorter than me, and probably no stronger than me as I go to the gym and he didn't. So stop projecting onto me your own preconceptions.
@@tinap8227 but he last bf for a reason
I enjoyed the tree analogy and the parallels and even identify with some of it. I also agree about softness being used maybe too much, however soft does not always mean “not tough” depending on the material it is made from. Some Bulletproof-vests can be both hard and soft/durable. We all have masculine and feminine traits, I think it’s possibly wise to not lean heavily on either, instead use what the situation calls for in the time it is most advantageous and helpful.
This is based on only personal experiences that I’ve had. And what’s helpful for me might not be best for someone else though.
Great message Dr. Taraban! Moving forward in our society given that we move back to the nuclear family mothers and fathers respectively need to help their sons or daughters understand the difference. Thank you Dr. Taraban for all the great content you make in this great channel of yours!
your ideal view of the family structure is just that: yours. your own subjective view on what a “good or bad” family is. in reality there are good “traditional” families and bad ones, there are good “non traditional” families and bad ones. society doesn’t need to follow a strict definition of the idea family structure. society will just do as it does. prescribing your beliefs onto others is an authoritarian way of thinking, and against the tenants of a truly free society.
@@ThunderHOWL16 Very good and valid points you point out and yes is up to each individual to be free and live their lives as they wish.
@@ThunderHOWL16seems to me he is merely expressing his opinion, just as you are yours
With analogies like this, it would be nice to have some real world stories to connect it to.
Look at Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Her love seems to be filled with acquisitiveness, pride, envy, etc. His love is too soft, he doesn't stand firm with her when he needs to do so (such as that awful Netflix scene where she talked about curtseying to the Queen).
I don’t know if someone here like fantasy books, but wheel of time, this video kinda describe one aspect of the protagonist journey. They are really good books, the nuance about differences between the masculine and feminine are a key aspect from the history.
Marriage, sex and childbirth rates are at all time lows because women have a 5x stronger own group gender preference making men disposable wallets. This guy is in damage control mode.
@@forgottenfuryanWhat so you mean by female gender preference?
@@Alex.Kalashnik
5x stronger own group gender preference is self explanatory. Google the Women Are Wonderful Effect.
@@forgottenfuryan its rly not self explanatory if people are confused XD but yeah ill google that. thanks
This is the most two the point informative channel on you tube
Full time relationship counsellor here... Love the content... outstanding messages.
This is the most articulated thing I’ve heard in my life🙏🏼 excellent job man 😢
I believe if we learn to open the Heart we can share the Love within us! If we learn to see both sides of the events simultaneously as it happens, we won't need to be hard...Love & Wisdom!
WOW! You really outdid yourself this time. Great analogies, doc. Bravo!
Well, in that case I am pretty on my way to love. Since my last break up I am starting to soften up and feel love, for myself. It is still very scary but it also feels good when I surrender to it. Thanx for the vid!😊
"If a tree gets too hard, it will break."
That one explained exactly what I have not found words to express. While my Mother definitely has difficulty filtering her water, I had spent 20 years trying to help her filter her water. Not for selfish intent, but for her so she could not push people away, and form strong relationships.
Well, let's just say, after all those years of enduring, the tree got to rigid. Now she thinks I hate her, because there is only anger left to give, and it hurts my relationships with others, because I don't know how to fix it...
Time to do some self reflection my friend. You are the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. Direct yourself back to being firm, my friend👍🏾
@@fmg4537 I appreciate your response. It's a long journey back to healthy, but there are no plans of giving up. 👍
In your situation I would maybe book a consultation with the good doctor. He gives his information out at the end and in the video descriptions.
Some relationships are unfixable. Sometimes the only way is to step away from a relationship, go no contact at least for a while. A drowning man can't help anyone. You need to fix yourself first.
Now this lecture is one of your Top Three!! It makes sense and is plain and simple. And all we human beings need to be reminded of who we really are, and appreciate that difference. Bravo!!
...and keep chipping away at this topic....so we find a way into each other's hearts!
I thought love was all around, a universal thing that’s in the environment and culture we are born into.
But here it sounds like their is path to travel to love. Not only is their a path to love but their are bad paths and forks in the road.
More paths are a way of messing it up: avoiding or impairing destroying love. Perhaps generations being ignorant to the wholesome path, thinking that love is a birth-given, would further suggest that their has been a history of complacency, ignorance and lots of needed work hasn’t been considered or done and that horrible mistakes have been made in neverneverland.
The crisis of modern dating and marriages likely proves that we need real world love and relationship education.
"Relationship education" is what got us here. I was taught in college that being a gentleman was sexist because chivalry is sexist. Now I treat women like I do random men. They don't like it and I don't care.
This is what happens when you institutionalize misandry and make our degrees dependent on learning it. We stop caring.
You either die young enough for women to call you "insecure" while they sleep with your friends, or you live long enough to be "emotionally unavailable".
The best answer as a man is to love yourself because a woman sure as fuck won't love you no matter how well you treat her or how much you listen to her.
When I think I could give the relationships another try, I just need to watch a few of your videos and that desire quickly fades away. Thanks?
What’s the difference with sharing something and using someone as a ‘dumping ground’ for your emotions? My husband can tell me anything, he has for the last 18 yrs. What he didn’t do is use me as a dumping ground or a therapist, and neither have I used him as one. We talk a lot. Period. That’s it. He tells me what’s bothering him and I tell him what’s bothering me and we try to sort each others issues out. The end.
Is the knowledge of what the effects of your talking will be, and tempering it, the length and severity, so that it is easy to take in?
Good input. Be careful though, love is not an emotion, but a state.
I don’t need love, I as a man just need respect and loyalty. However, I can give love nonetheless.
That’s exactly how God designed us. Congratulations, you are healthy.
When did women start loving men?
Good job at repeating information you heard….
@@PanAfrikanPrincess
You're in love with life.
There is no point being with a man you don't respect 100%
I like thinking of the hardness and suppleness thing as more like a spring. Can support great loads but can temporarily deform to protect itself and the rest of the vehicle.
Yes, yes, yes, this channel is now my favourite!
How can you be this great sir, thankyou so much you're saving my life
Very interesting analogy, thank-you, I like it!
I think you should also be able to not give yourself the fault always, you can be the strongest tree, if someone comes in thats completely insecure, avoidant and unsure about her emotions it can still bring you down
Yea but why would you want to be with someone like that…..that’s a huge turn off for me
Well said. I believe that the break down of family (and many other areas)has been strategic, so not only do we need to understand ourselves better, we need to understand the forces that do not want family to be a strong stabilizing force. I agree that women do expect men to be like them, which doesn't work, because we are different. Hopefully, when men understand that we struggle as much to understand them, as they do us and that there are forces that do not want us united, both sexes will be able to move forward, with a greater respect for each other. Although we are different, what we both bring to the table is important and valuable and when we can work constructively with each other, the complementarity brings an amazing skill set.
No conspiracy, my guy,
Probably one of your best video . Bravo!
Tree analogy was great
Longer videos.. I AM HERE FOR IT
Best psychacks episode by far. Nice work!
Wisdom. Thanks for these snipits. I'm unable to afford the quality that you provide in the one on one, but you have put a lot of great nuggets out here for me. And I appreciate it.
You can see this hardness in the faces of high school graduates from the 1940-1960's compared to the graduates of the 80's on. They looked like men and women in the 40-60's. Softness increases as you get closer to today.
That’s not the presence or absence of “hardness” or whatever, that’s premature biological degradation far beyond that caused by normal aging.
Perfect explanation
When Dr Taraban has 1mil subscribers, i bet this positive message will have anywhere from 10x-100x the impact once we revisit it then
Hey Chris Williamson, here’s a top shelf contender for Modern Wisdom.
What a great and eye opening video!
In two words: SELF WORTH. That's what you need in order to love.
Thanks!
Great video, as always. Ty Dr. Taraban
Great job explaining
"The oaths of a woman, I inscribe on water."
-Sophocles
😂😂😂
I love and appreciate your videos
“Get hard! Then add a touch of softness.” Such an interesting instruction.
I think this one might just be your best video.
pure wisdom
You are god send to many men. Thank you.
Not Andrew Tate, or Jordan Peterson or any of these red pill content creators, Psyhacks is the messaging we need.
An excellent observation.
Jordan Peterson still has lots of great advice
but i still agree, we need more people like Hamza (in parts), this channel and HealthyGamers Gg
You are getting it wrong - it’s not so black and white guys. A guy like Tate may say very toxic and silly things 60% of the time but the other 40% he is saying very valid things that men could learn from. Same with Jordan and pretty much every other creator in the space.
Rollo, Tate, Jordan, Sartain, psych hacks etc etc are all needed .. just take what you need and dispose of the rest
Jordan Peterson is not about “relationships” but life. You can’t even begin to employ this advice until you’ve mastered yourself, and Mr. Peterson is the gold standard for how to begin and continue that process.
Andrew Tate is a heel pro wrestler who gets over -and noticed- with being obnoxious, but has enough truth in his message to have credibility. But yeah he’s a starting point for many at this point.
@Thorbringsthehammer Tate loses me with the polyamory and Islam. Everything else he states is hard to disagree with at all.
Oh wow. This feels very insightful. An amazing episode.
I find these analogies to be very apt, thank you for the video 👍
@6:37 Aww, you TOTALLY stole MY JOKE, Doc!!!
🤣😂🤣
Sometimes I feel like being a man is like learning to eat bitter stones. It toughens you up, but it makes you digest more than you knew you could, and this in turn makes you more tolerant and welcoming to what life has to offer.
As an HSP Male it has been such a tightrope to walk in life. Taking care of oneself and honoring the intensity and subtleties of my emotional world which usually are not matched by women at all. Yet, the development of strength within that beauty has given me an earned steadiness I do not see in the average male either. While I am open to having a woman in my life who would also honor that, most importantly I honor the strength and flexibility in myself first and foremost.
Can you please tell me what HSP is?
Does this analogy imply that men's love doesn't have any impurities in it? I don't see why it wouldn't have lust, jealousy, etc. polluting it as much as women's love does.
Men are loyal
@@forgottenfuryan Loyalty is predominantly a male feature, yes.
Bad boys or Chads aren't loyal though. They have lower impulse control and are unpredictable, exiting. Women love them and want to fix them, which never succeeds. With them the woman gets in her books to be the morally superior and gets excuses not to examine themselves and their choises. Chad becomes the scapegoat and women start blaming men in general.
@@franknada8235 I don't think you fully understand chads. When he gets girls they tend to let them self s go. Same as if you got a girl and she showed herself not to be wife's material, would you expect me to demand you stay loyal to her. Especially with the likely hood that she seeing other guys as well?
Not saying you personally, when a man is jealous of the girls that chad gets he is looking at chad as a bad dude. When the reality is he has it harder because he has to decipher who is good through all of them, not just one
@@rppope1006 Understand? Haha. Chad is just a meme, a gestalt, not real and its attributes are flexible. If you identify as one I understand the need to "correct" according to your preferences. That's your prerogative and I have mine.
I think men aren't primarily judged / selected as a mate by women based on the purity of their love. A homeless jobless male poet who loves a woman super hard, isn't respected by either society or by most women. Sure a man's love isn't pure (they overvalue boob size for example) but that's not a critical obstacle to dating success for them.
Meanwhile a lot of average men would be happy to date a woman who truly loved them, even if she didn't have exceptional qualities or virtues. Yes, I know the most attractive guys are pickier than this, but I think this is true for the average man.
Truth! Love the word pictures!
Love your content. Have been learning a lot !
Great comparisons
Thanks
Very good content!
What about expectation as an impurity to love?
Love this video
Great video!
Wow! Love the analogy!
Again, thanks man
Maybe instead of getting hard, you could say grow your roots, which serves as the foundation that is unseen by others (AKA self knowledge) before working on your ego, or the part of you that is seen by others
This video is beautiful. Almost poetic 🎷🎹🌜
Mom, the funny teacher man online told me i had to get hard to be loved.
"That's not what he meant child!"
Damn, this rings so true, so true.
Please discuss the epidemic of ghosting. It is happening more and more.
Massive W of a video so true
So so well said
Well, I choose to break in bad weather rather than bend. Time will tell which is stronger.
This is very powerful!!!!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Great stuff thank you
Ok. Interesting analogies. The only thing to be added is what you are saying love is. What is the water in the analogy for women and what is it that men who are adequately, supply, rigid can give to women that is love?
Very good! Thank you!
I didn't understand what is the problem was with women... What do you mean by separate it from other emotions.... Like how do we mix love with other stuff or filter it out???
Brilliant!
Great analogies