The background details are remarkable: - the clock whose hands just spin backwards - the giant screens with a screaming baby - the three terminals: arrivals, departures, and truth (madness) - the giant digital board which says "life and obliteration are indistinguishable... souls may be subject to search." - The Escher design of the airport map for Terminal 1 - The four statuses of the flights: Cancelled, Crashed, Delayed, Missing, - The name of the official ending simply with "R." - You must call the helpline "Using your dead mother's telephone" - The body scan results: Fear, Despair, Yearning - The Interview Form: "Who are you?", with four options: Animal, Microcobe, Animal Product, Plaint/Soil, and all of them refer to Side B. - Another interview form question: "Have you lied to us?" and "You are disgusting"
And some details are only in Czech, for example: - the clerk's surname is "Zlámaljelito" which translates to "He broke a blood sausage" (not a real name). - the signs leading to "Zoufalství" (Despair) and "Smích" (Laughter) point to the same direction, implying you'll find both there.
He must have been to Charles de Gaule airport. Yes, this did actually happen to me. I had a connecting flight departing at gate E95. There is no gate E95, it's a "fictional gate" for planes parked out somewhere on the tarmac, you have to enquire for at gate E91 to get you on a bus. We were the last of our flight to get off the bus before they closed the doors. The ground crew waiting for us, asked where the "the other 35 passengers were". *I hate CdG airport.*
@Morale Law Your reference only included 3 of the words that the original sentence you claim to be referencing contains. On another note, was that seriously a tu quoque arguement?
"If there is a problem, fill out complaint form, and place it in an envelope addressed to the name of the hospital in which you were born!" I like this insult
My dad was a professor who studied linguistics, medieval studies, and was intensely interested in just about anything. One of the best memories I have is showing him this video (he loved Kafka). He cried a little bit from laughing so hard😂. The Onion is uniquely hilarious.
Everything in this video is true. After my lawyer managed to pull some strings for me, I was directed towards my gate to catch my flight. When I arrived there, I was the only passanger and before me was this gatekeeper. I asked him to let me pass cause I was in a hurry to board the plane on time, but he warned me that even if he did let me pass, there awaited me a series of progressively more powerful gatekeepers beyond the gate. I waited for 40 years until he had closed the gate. I asked him how come there were never any passangers besides me and he said:"That is because this is your gate. It was meant for you, but now it is being closed forever".
LOL...I love that story. BTW, if you've seen Scorsese's AFTER HOURS, about that guy (played by Griffin Dunne) who has this crazy night where crazy shit keeps happening to him and in the end he ends up right back at his work, just as they're opening the front gates in front of the office bldg.: he's, at one point, supposed to meet this chick at this place called the "Club Berlin" and when he gets there he goes through that same shtick with the bouncer, almost word for word in some of that scene, to K's story. But, in the end, instead of the 40 year wait, he sees these punk rockers get let in right in front of him and when he asks the bouncer why they can get in but not he, the bouncer replies "because it's mohawk night". "I can let you in if you get a mohawk" so, thinking he can just blow that off, he says "sure, OK" then the bouncer drags him over to this barber chair, in the middle of this wild punk-scene club, where this guy with electric shears is giving people mohawks & when he sees this he panics & runs for it, eventually getting out of sight of the guy chasing him!! I actually have seen After Hours a whole bunch of times & saw it before I read the short Kafka story, so imagine my surprise when I read it & I see that scene from After Hours "If you're so inclined you could try to bust your way in here" (I'm paraphrasing a little but it's the same words from Kafka's story!) I was, like, so that where Marty got the idea for that scene (or actually, no, not Scorsese, but whomever the screenwriter was & I can't recall the name of the writer. But it sure was clever. I wonder how many people who have seen After Hours caught that reference to that Kafka short story!
We had to read a lot of Kafka in German Highschool because my teacher was (for reasons beyond me) so obsessed with the man’s work that he had us read stuff by him, beyond what is required by the curriculum and the amount of little nods to this utter collection of despair confusion and misery, wich in hindsight was the best preparation for what adult life is like school ever gave me.
I like how in the background there's a scroller that says "Souls may be subjected to random searches". Its little details like that that make the videos so good.
So true. Last time I was at Kafka International, I was directed to a gate that was still in construction. I had spent so long getting there, only to realise it was unfinished.
your problem was not talking a left turn at the upturned dolphin shaped sign if you followed that path you would have found the portal leading to the point in time when the construction may have been completed and then you may have been able to board your flight.
As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into an advertising executive. Oh, hell, he thought - I'd rather be a gigantic insect.
This whole thing is a lie. I caught a flight out of FKI from Prague to London back in October 2011 and the pilot assures me that we will be landing soon.
I fly out of JJR Tolkien International and encountered a problem where the safety videos were overly descriptive and it took me a half a year to get through security. I’m happy that they are one of the few airports to have Sindarin signs.
Went to the old Tolkien as well. I now understand the socioeconomic state of every country we flew over, but somehow having coffee with my friend was the most memorable part of the journey.
@@Unknown-jt1joI was actually looking forward to visit Tom Bombadil Airport but sadly we didn't stop there, because the journey would have been even longer. 😢
@@modernmajorgeneral4669Euler Airport is a pain in the ass too. Every time I google it I have to sift through pages and pages of all the other things named after him.
At Agatha Christie international you are invited to take a flight with an old acquaintance, but to find them and the departure terminal you have to suss out the clues from how a bunch of other passengers describe how their day has been, and in the process you have to learn about the sordid details of their backstory that seem at first unrelated but in the last moment turn out to have the information you need.
And one of you will die before the flight ends, then someone claiming to be an internationally famous detective will force all the rest to engage in a game of clue to find out who did it, where, and with what,
This is the most perfect tribute to Kafka I've ever seen. Every school teacher should be using this as a teaching aid, as it captures the essence of his novels perfectly, but puts it in a context that everyone is familiar with. Absolutely superb! And piss funny to boot!
I recently had the displeasure of having to go through Lovecraft Airport. It was a rather small airport in rural Maryland, only about 4-5 planes in total were there at any one time. I was only there because it was the cheapest connecting flight to my destination. Everyone there was polite, if a bit quiet, keeping to themselves. I felt a sense of unease the entire time I was there, as though I didn't quite belong. As I passed through security, there was a door which looked entirely out of place in the airport. In contrast to the almost clinical white of the airport walls, the door resembled that you would find on a barn, old and half-rotted, as though it had been exposed to decades of rainstorms. In 3 languages, it read "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY". Or at least I assume so. The second row of text read "kein zutritt für unbefugte", which I recognized as German. The third however, I could not make out what language it was. I could not even read it well enough to recall the text for you now. As I walked by, I was assaulted by a putrid scent, like that of rotted meat and diseased flesh. I very nearly vomited where I stood. After that... I cannot recall. The rest of the trip seemed a blur. All I can really remember is 2 black men sitting in the aisle across from me on the flight. They just... stared at me, never taking their eyes off of me the entire hour-long flight. 1 star, would not recommend.
See, I went to the old airport before they remodelled it. That one was actually pretty convenient, if you get past the fact that it was 4000 stories high and clearly built for much larger beings than myself
I myself quite enjoy the airport; I regularly take the connecting sub to Y'ha-nthlei to visit family, and I find it a refreshing change from all the pointing and staring I'm forced to endure when business takes me inland. They keep the air pleasantly damp as well, which is nice, as I'm finding the surface drier with each passing year. 5 Stars. - A.F. Ishman.
Don't get me started on Camus International Airport. The entire airport is disordered, cold, and indifferent to your needs. But you can find the gate for your flight only if you embrace the absurdity in trying to find order in a disordered system.
I figured out the trick - don't try to board your flight by going to the terminal they say it's in. Just board whichever flight you feel like and it'll take you to your destination.
Kierkegaard International Airport has invisible aircraft. Passengers are required to walk to the end of the boarding bridge, close their eyes, and imagine very hard that the plane is there, as they step off the end.
You are required to choose a departing plane without knowing where it will take you, and the entire time you will be bombarded with ads warning you not to regret your choice because there is no way back
Fly from Kierkegaard International Airport, you will regret it. Don't fly from KIA, you will regret it. Whether you fly from KIA or not fly from KIA, you will regret it
@@MrNoPro and of course there is no way to know which plane is the correct one since communication between the two is blocked. It is the most important decision of your trip and you have no map for it. Pick a plane, either-or.
The entire nation of "airstrip one" is Goerge Orwell International Airport. You are subjected to random security checks everywhere. Only inner-party members can actually fly. The flights to Eurasia and East Asia may or may not happen, depending on who we are currently at war with. You know that your feeling that there are fewer flights must be wrong because the only newspaper and only TV station say that the number of flights has just increased by ten percent.
I once flew out of Hunter S. Thompson International Airport. I stumbled out of the duty-free shop with two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers...and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls...The only thing that really worried me was my boarding ticket.
I was once on flight to that airport, but we never even made it to the gate. Right after landing there, the pilot just made an announcement saying "we can't stop here, this is bat country", turned around on the tarmac and took off again.
Nietzsche International persistently tells its customers that you are not allowed to board the airplane because the flight has no purpose, but will allow you to board if you believe that it _does_ have a purpose. EDIT: _What have I begun?!_
Rand airlines deliberately overbooks flights to generate money even when people don’t show up. If everyone does, the airlines drags a random passenger off the plane so someone more important can board. Wait...
Could not have said it betyer myself. Got delayed 9 hours by those bastards. And then thay had the gall to hurry up boarding the flight because they had a time window.
I can sympathise. Ran into some trouble at Roald Dahl International recently, the airline were only accepting golden tickets which made it prohibitively expensive. To make matters worse I was rejected at immigration due to a suspected case of “The Shrinks”.
I’ve been there and actually had a ticket, as did my granny, but she demonstrated what the airline considered undue hubris and poor moral fibre and got sucked into one of the engines. The flight was alright though, and the cabin smelt like peaches.
You should try Vonnegut International. I got a quick flight to Tralfamadore, married a girl fifteen years from now, was born, and died within just a few minutes.
I tried going to H.P. Lovecraft International Airport, but I couldn't find my terminal because the whole building was made with non-euclidean architecture. Even when I did find my plane the overwhelming sense of cosmic dread drove me insane.
And the staff were all bug-eyed fish-faced and incredibly suspicious and kept shilling this Esoteric Order than owned the airline. On the plus side you get a free cat with your see. The bad news is its named a random racial slur
@@SimonClarkstone the safety speech is just the flight attendants berating you for thinking that paying for a ticket means you're owed transport, and then they kick you off the plane afterwards
And then the security constantly bother you by giving meaningless information on the history of the airport. Like dude I just want to move on with my travel.
Plus there’s only one straight flight available for their top destination for which you have to belong to one specific race in order to fly into, although occasional exception through bribery via precious rings or golden hair locks have been noticed in later years
I came here once, trying to turn myself in after I had shot a stranger on the beach, but the employees refused to call the authorities and told me that that no prison could match the hell that I've created for myself.
Yeah that was a masterpiece. Ive read every word etc. Even the acting. The only moments that were short of pure brilliance were the two silly lines at the end.
Nietzsche Airways approach to flight safety : what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Also, if you look out the window, the window looks out into you.
@@slappy8941 No, I do not, in fact or fiction or in any other wise, or unwise, exist, or even ex- 'ist,' as the onotological implications of such an assertion may neither be confirmed nor denied beyond the fleeting moment in which they were realized and, later remembered, and re-remembered, etcetera, ad infinitum, but, when such remembrances exist, we, assuming such can be demonstrated sufficiently for the I, hitherto granted tentative existence for argument's sake, they still lack sufficient epistemological qualities to dismiss with any sense of finality, or even a good working sense, the problem of hard solipsism. Or maybe not.
At least you took off from Joyce International. My flight attendant is still describing the oxygen mask with Biblical references and a metaphor that used childbearing.
I flew in on Charles Dickens Airways. It was the best of flights, but also the worst of flights. The in-flight meal was just a bit of undigested beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, and a fragment of an underdone potato. I kept asking the steward, "Please, sir, I want some more," but he told me my expectations were far too great...
Right! I have known so many people who have been leveled by eating those darn under done potatoes! And yet the World Health Organization remains silent!!!
All the little jokes in the background, not counting the news ticker: Signs: "Waiting, Departure (burning plane), Truth (Madness)" Clock that just constantly spins randomly. Signs: "STOP. POWER. DIE. FORGET." Train ticker: "LIFE AND OBLITERATION ARE INDISTINGUISHABLE. SOULS MAY BE SUBJECT TO RANDOM SEARCH." Train ticker: The word "NO" repeated in different languages. A TV that just plays a loud video of a baby crying constantly. Map: A building shaped like a Penrose triangle, which cannot exist in a largely Euclidian universe like ours. Map: "Terminal 1, Terminal A, Terminal [" Map: Circular, infinity-sign, and river-delta runway segments. Map: Two buildings shaped like Escher's forks, which also cannot exist in this universe. News subtitle: "AIRPORT SCHEDULES 250 FLIGHTS PER DAY ON CIRCULAR RUNWAY" Ticker: "HELP ME HELPMEHELPME... HELP ME..." News subtitle: "Customers may only carry on empty bags." The whole personal quiz. Travelator: "TOO FAR" News subtitle: "AIRPORT OFFICIALS INSIST TRAVELERS ARE GIVEN THE TREATMENT THEY RECEIVE"
Every flight on the schedule is either delayed, crashed or missing Some flights are scheduled to impossible times of day Also that last terminal is called Ë not [
Some background jokes are only in Czech, for example: The clerk's surname is "Zlámaljelito" which loosely translates to "He broke a sausage". Signs leading to "Zoufalství" (Despair) and "Smích" (Laughter) point in the same direction.
Neolexious Neolexian Some airports are actually thinking of adopting circular runways. As it turns out, building and lengthening miles-long straight runways gets much harder when the airport is in the middle of a city.
Say what you will about Kafka International, but Borges Airport is even worse. The luggage claim is a sprawling, infinitely large labyrinth and the only security is a Minotaur. My ticket was actually a leather bound book with infinitely many pages and when we finally took off, the plane diverged into millions of branching alternate timelines.
Danielewski Airport took a lot from the design of Borges Airport, but put it in a bigger building. There are scores of food courts right next to each other, some of which only contain a single chair, half of the passageways have been removed but you're still expected to walk through them, and just when you feel like you're getting somewhere, some strung-out tattooist stops you to deliver a rambling and unnecessarily graphic anecdote about his sex life and how tough things are for him right now. I don't know how he keeps finding me.
Don’t even get me started on Orwell Airport. The airline I was flying on changed its name 7 times throughout the flight. Incredibly double-plus-ungood.
Nothing could be worse than Hemingway airport. I appreciate the complementary drinks and massive airport bar, but you easily get lost, emasculated, and before you know it, the plane's crashed and your wife divorces you!
Too good, too good. You forget all the air stewardesses are bitches and will invariably break your heart partially because you're unable to satisfy them due to a war injury.
mason: unless you are a middles aged butch lesbian writer. Then they will fall in love with you at the start of the flight but hate you by the end of it.
That's nothing - in Genoa the Airport is called Cristoforo Colombo Airport. If you board a plane going to Japan, they will drop you off in Haiti and insist that this is Asia and you should torture the locals until they give you gold.
The Onion 2009: Getting screened for cancer is a leading cause for finding out you have cancer - 2:12 The President 2020: Getting tested for corona is a leading cause for finding out you have corona.
The Stephen King International Airport in Maine is weird. It starts out normal, gets stranger the further you get into it, and has an unsatisfactory climax.
At Belgrade Nikola Tesla Airport passengers often get electrical shocks from the railings, the A/C power supply is inconsistent due to frequent tinkering with the boxes by the personnel as the airport consumes massive amounts of electricity (produced by the nearby namesake power plant in Obrenovac), which is thankfully dirt cheap, almost free... Lightnings often occur around the airport although no one was ever hurt by them. The new control tower (nicknamed Wardenclyfe) is under construction for 30 years yet incomplete since the funding was cut. Security, of course, uses X-Rays and there are radars, radios, Wi-Fi and drones... Also there are sometimes tremors of unknown origin and rumor has it the airport has a secret weapon that helped shoot down that USAF F-117 in 1999 (pieces of which are on display and on sale at the nearby Belgrade Aeronautical Museum). Also bits of airport's inventory often get stolen.
@@TheMasterTelevision I've been conditioned to believe I'm immune to society's conditioning and now I'm don't know if I am genuinely immune or just think I am
So I'm at Prague's airport at the moment, and now understand where they got the inspiration for this clip. There's a sign for the toilets where no toilets exist, and the sign for the KFC leads you down a very long corridor to a dead end. It will be a small miracle if I actually make it to my gate
Most of Kafka's work have been interpreted multiple times, the most popular explanations of which often postulate that his works are satire. This comment may be a reference to that fact
Still better than the airports run by Dostoyevsky-Dickens International Airline. The waiting periods and the flights are interminably long, passengers come off of planes depressed and suicidal, and the sounds of crying hungry children haunt the terminals. The airline's business depends entirely on people who take travel recommendations from their English teachers.
Tchekov airline is not bad; you get a full buffet with open bar, two rows of triple wide bathrooms, bridge-table style seating and the plane is insanely decorated. As a result, everybody is drunk and loud, there is non stop fornication and poker playing and the flight attendants keep wacking people at random when they have enough. When the plane lands, there's always at least one dead body, the medical doctor is useless and the crew asks the passengers to chip in for gas.
I found the Dickens - Schrodinger Airport to be the most strange experience. It was the best of flights, it was the worst of flights, but you could never tell before landing.
Slyšel jsem, že tam je hodně referencí z Kavkových knih, což z videa dělá ještě větší skvost. Mohu se zeptat, co tam je za reference? Bohužel nejsem čtenář knih...
I had this recurring nightmare, where I was on the run from something I can’t remember anymore. One night, I tried to take a flight out of Franz Kafka International to escape. All of my dreams take place here now. It’s been this way for four years.
Last night I dreamed I was trying to steal back a mutated folded up horse in a briefcase from someone that stole it. I wonder if it was checked baggage at the Kafka airport.
The Camus airport in Algiers is also quite interesting. The corridors are long, loop around and get you where you first started just as you think you found your gate. Some say that if you accept the fact that you cannot get out, but also keep looking for your gate, you can actually find it.
I remember going to Dante International Airport. I was forced to walk through several miles of people being brutally tortured before I finally got to my flight
Mexico City's Benito Juárez International Airport is honestly not too far off from this. It took me an hour to find a friend because we didn't realize there were two terminals called "Terminal 8" on opposite sides of the airport.
Interestingly, Pyongyang's George Orwell Airport received the best rating. All but two passengers gave it the best possible marks in all categories. The only two who didn't were clearly not of sane mind as they committed suicide within hours of leaving the negative reviews. One by shooting themselves twice in the back of the head and the other with polonium poisoning.
This is ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!!! One of the most recognizable features of Kafka's prose is the misery and helplessness of the individual man trapped in an enormous and heartless system which stubbornly sticks to rules and conventions, and completely lacks any human empathy. It is an incredible coincidence that the Kafka airport should live up to the name of the man whose works led us to coin the. word Kafkaesque to describe bureaucracy ridden enormous and inefficient public institutions.
I had a similar experience. My ticket directed me to gate "AL", which turned out to just be some guy named Al. He told me he was trying to find gate "ED".
***** Zlamajelito = Broke sausage (or something in that sense). It is like in the Monty Python's Life of Brian "Biggus Dickus" play of words and sound.
Schrodinger international is weird, half the time you end up at Heisenberg instead, you have to keep checking that you're really there and when you get home you find a cat in your luggage.
For my flight from Marx-Engels International, the pilot bureau elected a shoemaker assistant general secretary and supreme commander of the plane. I'm the sole survivor.
I went to Lao Tzu International once. The employees told me that i should go to the gate my flight was on, but no one knew exactly what or where it was.
@@faceoctopus4571 I don't remember what I was thinking of, but my guess is that I thought it's a reference to "Crime and Punishment" by Dostoevsky, dunno if you read it but the connection is pretty thin.
1. Who are you? (1) Animal (2) Animal Product (3) Microbe (4) Plant/Soil 2. If not, who are you? 3. Is it not true that you are whoever we say you are? 4. You are disgusting. 5. Have you lied to us? 6. Have you lied to us? XX. Will you lie to us? 28. We believe you have lied to us. Does it truly matter whether you've lied to us? 28. Have you renounced your god?
When I arrived at my gate, the security guard wouldn’t let me in. So I sat down and waited. Many years later i had grown old and felt I was about to die, so I asked the security guard: “Everyone strives after the gate” , I said, “so how is that in these many years no one except me has requested entry?” The security guard sees that I am already dying and, in order to reach my diminishing sense of hearing, he shouts at me, “Here no one else can gain entry, since this entrance was assigned only to you. I’m going now to close it.
I have heard that Orwell airport has a hundred percent approval rating. I don’t think a single person who gave it a bad review exists.
Well, they don’t exist _anymore_
Now Boarding Flight 1984. Todays in flight movie will be watching you.
How could they? Big Brother is always watching them.
@@SageGilbert191came for this, satisfied, now I need a cigarette, ahhh...
@@SageGilbert191Actually, Orwell Airport exists and has always existed.
“Travelers complain lost luggage is sent to the person they hate the most.” Good stuff 😂
Trish Ace - Very good!..
"Airport officials insist that customers receive the service they are given."
So I'll be quickly reunited with my lost luggage? Nice!
when self hatred finnaly has its perks.
"Passengers May Only Carry On Empty Bags."
The background details are remarkable:
- the clock whose hands just spin backwards
- the giant screens with a screaming baby
- the three terminals: arrivals, departures, and truth (madness)
- the giant digital board which says "life and obliteration are indistinguishable... souls may be subject to search."
- The Escher design of the airport map for Terminal 1
- The four statuses of the flights: Cancelled, Crashed, Delayed, Missing,
- The name of the official ending simply with "R."
- You must call the helpline "Using your dead mother's telephone"
- The body scan results: Fear, Despair, Yearning
- The Interview Form: "Who are you?", with four options: Animal, Microcobe, Animal Product, Plaint/Soil, and all of them refer to Side B.
- Another interview form question: "Have you lied to us?" and "You are disgusting"
And some details are only in Czech, for example:
- the clerk's surname is "Zlámaljelito" which translates to "He broke a blood sausage" (not a real name).
- the signs leading to "Zoufalství" (Despair) and "Smích" (Laughter) point to the same direction, implying you'll find both there.
Don't forget the giant digital board also showing "HELP ME" in madness mantra.
The official's title is "Airport Manager of Conscious Perceptions"
The digital board that says "no" in several languages.
Now this shit sounds like some sort of backroom nightmare or that IKEA scp
The way this guy says "Gate B14 is in the F Terminal" is so convincingly frustrated.
“And everyone keeps calling me ‘S’!”
I've been to several airports just this year with gates in the wrong terminals... this is now an actual thing!!!
He must have been to Charles de Gaule airport. Yes, this did actually happen to me.
I had a connecting flight departing at gate E95. There is no gate E95, it's a "fictional gate" for planes parked out somewhere on the tarmac, you have to enquire for at gate E91 to get you on a bus. We were the last of our flight to get off the bus before they closed the doors. The ground crew waiting for us, asked where the "the other 35 passengers were". *I hate CdG airport.*
@Morale Law, you need a proper grasp on the English language.
@Morale Law Your reference only included 3 of the words that the original sentence you claim to be referencing contains. On another note, was that seriously a tu quoque arguement?
"If there is a problem, fill out complaint form, and place it in an envelope addressed to the name of the hospital in which you were born!"
I like this insult
I died
the hospital i was born in is in a different state of the one i live so this would be interesting
@@SmashLiXs I don't really get how that makes it any more or less weird.
@@kioku119 my envelope would be going to a different state
@@SmashLiXs yes... I still don't understand how that makes it any more or less weird.
My dad was a professor who studied linguistics, medieval studies, and was intensely interested in just about anything. One of the best memories I have is showing him this video (he loved Kafka). He cried a little bit from laughing so hard😂. The Onion is uniquely hilarious.
was uniquely hilarious
Was uniqly healarius
That story lifted my mood, thanks for sharing :)
Now it's racist
your dad sounds old 💀💀💀
I am from Czech Republic and I can confirm this is true.
Ano, souhlasím s tebou, že toto je běžné chování na místním letišti :D
Kaleidoskot kde je letiště Kafka ?
Nikde :D Je to vtip :D
A to jsem si myslel, že jsem tu sám. The Onion nikdy nezklamalo!
@@RichieLarpa
NIE znam czeskiego ale wszystko jakoś rozumiem
Słowiańskie języki są jednak podobne
Generalnie żadko widuję Czechów na YouTubie
Everything in this video is true. After my lawyer managed to pull some strings for me, I was directed towards my gate to catch my flight. When I arrived there, I was the only passanger and before me was this gatekeeper. I asked him to let me pass cause I was in a hurry to board the plane on time, but he warned me that even if he did let me pass, there awaited me a series of progressively more powerful gatekeepers beyond the gate. I waited for 40 years until he had closed the gate. I asked him how come there were never any passangers besides me and he said:"That is because this is your gate. It was meant for you, but now it is being closed forever".
Nice writing skills! The fact that you are implying you died is interesting!
LOL...I love that story. BTW, if you've seen Scorsese's AFTER HOURS, about that guy (played by Griffin Dunne) who has this crazy night where crazy shit keeps happening to him and in the end he ends up right back at his work, just as they're opening the front gates in front of the office bldg.: he's, at one point, supposed to meet this chick at this place called the "Club Berlin" and when he gets there he goes through that same shtick with the bouncer, almost word for word in some of that scene, to K's story. But, in the end, instead of the 40 year wait, he sees these punk rockers get let in right in front of him and when he asks the bouncer why they can get in but not he, the bouncer replies "because it's mohawk night". "I can let you in if you get a mohawk" so, thinking he can just blow that off, he says "sure, OK" then the bouncer drags him over to this barber chair, in the middle of this wild punk-scene club, where this guy with electric shears is giving people mohawks & when he sees this he panics & runs for it, eventually getting out of sight of the guy chasing him!! I actually have seen After Hours a whole bunch of times & saw it before I read the short Kafka story, so imagine my surprise when I read it & I see that scene from After Hours "If you're so inclined you could try to bust your way in here" (I'm paraphrasing a little but it's the same words from Kafka's story!) I was, like, so that where Marty got the idea for that scene (or actually, no, not Scorsese, but whomever the screenwriter was & I can't recall the name of the writer. But it sure was clever. I wonder how many people who have seen After Hours caught that reference to that Kafka short story!
@@kiandocherty3589 Not his skills though, it's also by Kafka
@@gggggggggggggggggg161 Wait which one? One of his short stories? I`ve read a fair bit of Kafka and I`m wondering where it`s from now.
@@kiandocherty3589 It's a part of Trial. The chaplain tells this story to K in the cathedral.
We had to read a lot of Kafka in German Highschool because my teacher was (for reasons beyond me) so obsessed with the man’s work that he had us read stuff by him, beyond what is required by the curriculum and the amount of little nods to this utter collection of despair confusion and misery, wich in hindsight was the best preparation for what adult life is like school ever gave me.
Do you know the person who owns the hat stand in Stuttgart.
. Please answer in 193 hours.
Quality education, go Germany!
@@Melody_Raventress YWNBAW
I like how in the background there's a scroller that says "Souls may be subjected to random searches". Its little details like that that make the videos so good.
I never noticed that the phone number they have for the customer support sign uses a country code that is unassigned until today, hahaha
Life and obliteration are indistinguishable.
“Have you renounced your god?”
HELPME HELPME HELPME HELPME was my favourite
I was looking at the crying baby
So true. Last time I was at Kafka International, I was directed to a gate that was still in construction. I had spent so long getting there, only to realise it was unfinished.
your problem was not talking a left turn at the upturned dolphin shaped sign if you followed that path you would have found the portal leading to the point in time when the construction may have been completed and then you may have been able to board your flight.
literally new Berlin airport
@@danish211 yeah, he didn't properly follow the proper protocol
Explain joke
@@SP-qi8ur gay
I’m at Godot Airport right now. My flight hasn’t shown up but the staff keeps assuring me it will.
i hope you report any examples of human trafficking like a man being held on a chain.
As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into an advertising executive. Oh, hell, he thought - I'd rather be a gigantic insect.
He got a twofer - no problem.
I got that reference.
_[Reddit Post PTSD]_
When he realized he was a giant insect his whole life it was already too late.
It's now safe to be an advertising exec, the unibomber is out of business.
This whole thing is a lie. I caught a flight out of FKI from Prague to London back in October 2011 and the pilot assures me that we will be landing soon.
Are you still on the plane to this day?
Dear lord
@@matthewbrodnitz1047 His plane is without a rudder. It journeys on the winds which blow in the undermost regions of death.
This joke just get betters as it ages
This is old Lol
I fly out of JJR Tolkien International and encountered a problem where the safety videos were overly descriptive and it took me a half a year to get through security. I’m happy that they are one of the few airports to have Sindarin signs.
Went to the old Tolkien as well. I now understand the socioeconomic state of every country we flew over, but somehow having coffee with my friend was the most memorable part of the journey.
One of the few airlines to still have a smoking section though
I had a layover at Tom Bombadil Airport. It contributed nothing to the journey, and took six extra hours.
@@Unknown-jt1joI was actually looking forward to visit Tom Bombadil Airport but sadly we didn't stop there, because the journey would have been even longer. 😢
*J.R.R.
I accidentally filled out "microbe" when asked what I am, and I actually had a very successful departure.
AssholusSupremis lifehack
Have you arrived at your destined destination as you had expected?
They must have thought you were the Coronavirus.
gcc v xmas v am a nbc f studio of military u uki iroy irish salary to o settlers_ ap
Expect a state investigator at your home, 1:00pm tomorrow. If you are not there on time, all your shoes will be confiscated.
Xeno airport in Greece was the most frustrating. I kept halving the distance to the gate, but never got there.
Underrated comment.
The Heraclitus Airport is even worse. Every time you take a step, you find yourself in a different airport.
Theseus airport has ongoing renovation that make navigation a nightmare. Sometimes, I can’t even tell if it’s the same airport.
That seems paradoxical.
@@modernmajorgeneral4669Euler Airport is a pain in the ass too. Every time I google it I have to sift through pages and pages of all the other things named after him.
At Agatha Christie international you are invited to take a flight with an old acquaintance, but to find them and the departure terminal you have to suss out the clues from how a bunch of other passengers describe how their day has been, and in the process you have to learn about the sordid details of their backstory that seem at first unrelated but in the last moment turn out to have the information you need.
You'll be flying with an aging movie-star, An heir to some kind of fortune and a detective who is just trying to take a vocation
And one of you will die before the flight ends, then someone claiming to be an internationally famous detective will force all the rest to engage in a game of clue to find out who did it, where, and with what,
At the end, you will deduce that actualy, *you* are the one that did it.
@@HooDatDonDaryou and everyone in the plane did it, including the victim
And don't forget that usually everyone already knows each other, and are either good friends or hate each other's guts!🤣🤣🤣
“Have you lied to us”?
“Have you lied to us”?
“Have you lied to us”?
"Will you lie to us?"
Liar
“Have you renounced your god?”
1. Who are you?
(1) animal
(2) animal product
(3) microbe
(4) plant/soil
"We believe you have lied to us. Does it matter whether you've truly lied to us?"
This is the most perfect tribute to Kafka I've ever seen. Every school teacher should be using this as a teaching aid, as it captures the essence of his novels perfectly, but puts it in a context that everyone is familiar with. Absolutely superb! And piss funny to boot!
My teacher assigned this to watch lol
@@jaredjohannson3039 Tell your teacher that a commenter on this video said they're awesome.
I recently had the displeasure of having to go through Lovecraft Airport.
It was a rather small airport in rural Maryland, only about 4-5 planes in total were there at any one time. I was only there because it was the cheapest connecting flight to my destination. Everyone there was polite, if a bit quiet, keeping to themselves. I felt a sense of unease the entire time I was there, as though I didn't quite belong.
As I passed through security, there was a door which looked entirely out of place in the airport. In contrast to the almost clinical white of the airport walls, the door resembled that you would find on a barn, old and half-rotted, as though it had been exposed to decades of rainstorms. In 3 languages, it read "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY". Or at least I assume so. The second row of text read "kein zutritt für unbefugte", which I recognized as German. The third however, I could not make out what language it was. I could not even read it well enough to recall the text for you now. As I walked by, I was assaulted by a putrid scent, like that of rotted meat and diseased flesh. I very nearly vomited where I stood.
After that... I cannot recall. The rest of the trip seemed a blur. All I can really remember is 2 black men sitting in the aisle across from me on the flight. They just... stared at me, never taking their eyes off of me the entire hour-long flight.
1 star, would not recommend.
10/10
You're lucky you didn't ask for the cat's name
This is perfect
See, I went to the old airport before they remodelled it. That one was actually pretty convenient, if you get past the fact that it was 4000 stories high and clearly built for much larger beings than myself
I myself quite enjoy the airport; I regularly take the connecting sub to Y'ha-nthlei to visit family, and I find it a refreshing change from all the pointing and staring I'm forced to endure when business takes me inland. They keep the air pleasantly damp as well, which is nice, as I'm finding the surface drier with each passing year. 5 Stars.
- A.F. Ishman.
Sketch: Entirely based on The Trial
Comments: Packed with Metamorphosis jokes.
I would say it is based both on The Trial and The Castle, but otherwise you're right.
It felt mora like The Castle to me
Sadly many people only read Metamorphosis because it is shorter. The Trial is way more kafkaesque
@Love Law Non-americans don't count as people
@Love Law Silly person; Americans don't read.
Don't get me started on Camus International Airport. The entire airport is disordered, cold, and indifferent to your needs. But you can find the gate for your flight only if you embrace the absurdity in trying to find order in a disordered system.
Just don't tell security that you didn't cry at your mother's funeral.
One must imagine they guy with the delayed flight is happy
So, Ikea?
I figured out the trick - don't try to board your flight by going to the terminal they say it's in. Just board whichever flight you feel like and it'll take you to your destination.
Departure or coffee?
Reminds me of the time I flew out of Vienna Schrodinger International with my pet cat in his carrier. They asked me if the box contained live cargo.
I hope they didn't X-ray it.
And you told them that not only did you not know, but that the answer was literally indeterminate?
The uranium that may or may not decay hidden in a box in my luggage:
Bravo, well played sir.
*Schrödinger
Kierkegaard International Airport has invisible aircraft. Passengers are required to walk to the end of the boarding bridge, close their eyes, and imagine very hard that the plane is there, as they step off the end.
You are required to choose a departing plane without knowing where it will take you, and the entire time you will be bombarded with ads warning you not to regret your choice because there is no way back
I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD SAY SOMETHING ABOUT KIERKEGAARD AIRPORT!
*Kierkegaard International is not liable for any injuries resulting from a failure of Will and Imagination.
Fly from Kierkegaard International Airport, you will regret it. Don't fly from KIA, you will regret it. Whether you fly from KIA or not fly from KIA, you will regret it
@@MrNoPro and of course there is no way to know which plane is the correct one since communication between the two is blocked. It is the most important decision of your trip and you have no map for it. Pick a plane, either-or.
Orwell international is doubleplusgood, anyone who says otherwise is an oldthinker. Ignorance is strength.
jane sullivan The security is extremely long over there
But they do serve Victory Gin aboard the planes that are allowed to leave from it.
That just sounds like every American airport
The entire nation of "airstrip one" is Goerge Orwell International Airport. You are subjected to random security checks everywhere. Only inner-party members can actually fly. The flights to Eurasia and East Asia may or may not happen, depending on who we are currently at war with. You know that your feeling that there are fewer flights must be wrong because the only newspaper and only TV station say that the number of flights has just increased by ten percent.
@@milascave2 I don't see why you wouldn't be able to fly to Eurasia.. we've always been at war with Eastasia.
I once flew out of Hunter S. Thompson International Airport. I stumbled out of the duty-free shop with two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers...and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls...The only thing that really worried me was my boarding ticket.
It's too bad about all the bats and lizards...but I hear the shooting range is top notch, and the in-flight magazine is awesome!
I was once on flight to that airport, but we never even made it to the gate. Right after landing there, the pilot just made an announcement saying "we can't stop here, this is bat country", turned around on the tarmac and took off again.
No artillery lugers!
Nietzsche International persistently tells its customers that you are not allowed to board the airplane because the flight has no purpose, but will allow you to board if you believe that it _does_ have a purpose.
EDIT: _What have I begun?!_
Plato International in Athens keeps advertising the ideal airport. When you ask them about it, they tell you that it exists, but not on earth.
Marx International Airport allows economy passengers to slaughter the flyers in first class and redistribute their luggage/guts and organs equally.
sun tzu airport has a terminal which directs you to other airports.when you inquire, they reply, deception through reception
Rand airlines deliberately overbooks flights to generate money even when people don’t show up. If everyone does, the airlines drags a random passenger off the plane so someone more important can board. Wait...
Geroge Orwell Intl. Has loads of CCTV surveilance
"Departures arriving early and arrivals landing late may be canceled or delayed without the prior notice."
Wtf????
I like the line, it just irks me that arrivals can definitely land late
The ones that do arrive, they never leave. You never see them go, but they're always full. But the ones that do leave, they never arrive.
@@halowarrior1000 Wake Up.... Mr Freeman
Stop complaining and just properly follow proper protocol.
@@johnrankin7135 Yes but an arrival landing late will never be canceled.
Five years after flying at Rowling Airport, I was notified that I'm gay
Were you also replaced by someone who looks vaguely like you?
Gem comment
I was removed from the plane halfway through the flight for accidentally wandering into the men's class, for my "safety."
So from now on you’ll be using gleefully skipping airport?
i tried to go to that airport once but they dont let trans people in
an actual airport like this would be a pretty amazing modern art installation
OmegaMart is an art installation in a similar vein, though with a supermarket theme.
“They said that the airline I’m flying with doesn’t exist” -Thomas cook passenger c. 2019
I LOL'ed :D
Could not have said it betyer myself. Got delayed 9 hours by those bastards. And then thay had the gall to hurry up boarding the flight because they had a time window.
LOL
That was perfectly delivered.
yep my ears work too
I can sympathise. Ran into some trouble at Roald Dahl International recently, the airline were only accepting golden tickets which made it prohibitively expensive. To make matters worse I was rejected at immigration due to a suspected case of “The Shrinks”.
Are you having the shrinks now?
I’ve been there and actually had a ticket, as did my granny, but she demonstrated what the airline considered undue hubris and poor moral fibre and got sucked into one of the engines. The flight was alright though, and the cabin smelt like peaches.
Just tell them you're a friend of the grand high witch and they'll treat you right.
At least the confectionery had an extremely good selection, provided you made out of it alive.
You should try Vonnegut International. I got a quick flight to Tralfamadore, married a girl fifteen years from now, was born, and died within just a few minutes.
So it goes.
still need to finish it, now where is my copy
What else can I say to that but "poo-tee-weet"?
Hi ho.
Same.
I tried going to H.P. Lovecraft International Airport, but I couldn't find my terminal because the whole building was made with non-euclidean architecture. Even when I did find my plane the overwhelming sense of cosmic dread drove me insane.
Happens to the best of us.
I aske an assistant where my gates was an he just said I couldn't even comprehend where it was.
And the staff were a civilization of gibbering fish people.
And the staff were all bug-eyed fish-faced and incredibly suspicious and kept shilling this Esoteric Order than owned the airline.
On the plus side you get a free cat with your see. The bad news is its named a random racial slur
“...Gate B14 is in the F terminal...”
I’m an airline pilot and cannot tell you how hilarious I thought this was!
Ayn Rand airport has the most delays because the pre-flight safety speech takes 5 hours
And then they reveal that it's actually a train station.
... and flight seating disputes are resolved by public naked duel to the death.
Surely there would be no safety speech and it's the passengers' own choice to learn how to be safe?
@@SimonClarkstone the safety speech is just the flight attendants berating you for thinking that paying for a ticket means you're owed transport, and then they kick you off the plane afterwards
Isn't it basically 'do what you want, noone has the right to impose flight safety rules on you'
At the Tolkien airport, there's no flights. You have to walk everywhere even though you have access to something that flies.
And then the security constantly bother you by giving meaningless information on the history of the airport. Like dude I just want to move on with my travel.
Plus there’s only one straight flight available for their top destination for which you have to belong to one specific race in order to fly into, although occasional exception through bribery via precious rings or golden hair locks have been noticed in later years
but it does have the best pedestrian access thanks to the designer's "More Door" philosophy
Give them credit where it’s due, the Gate is easy to find.
No, no, there's flights - but only if you're on the second leg of a round trip.
I came here once, trying to turn myself in after I had shot a stranger on the beach, but the employees refused to call the authorities and told me that that no prison could match the hell that I've created for myself.
As a Czech living in Stuttgart who just recently read a couple of Kafka's books, this video seem way too tailored for me... It's almost scary
You simply _must_ find that hat store.
Are you lying to us?
@@slappy8941 what if he owns the hat store.
Someone must have been telling lies about Domihrok
I'm watching you and i never read Kafka.
This may be the best thing on TH-cam.
Maybe so. But this is a close 2nd: th-cam.com/video/9U4Ha9HQvMo/w-d-xo.html
medexamtoolsdotcom Yeah, that's some classic bullshit right there.
Yeah that was a masterpiece. Ive read every word etc. Even the acting. The only moments that were short of pure brilliance were the two silly lines at the end.
I rewatch it weekly
Nietzsche Airways approach to flight safety : what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Also, if you look out the window, the window looks out into you.
As a living person who has visited Prague, I confirm that you are reading this.
But do I actually exist?
@@slappy8941 No, I do not, in fact or fiction or in any other wise, or unwise, exist, or even ex- 'ist,' as the onotological implications of such an assertion may neither be confirmed nor denied beyond the fleeting moment in which they were realized and, later remembered, and re-remembered, etcetera, ad infinitum, but, when such remembrances exist, we, assuming such can be demonstrated sufficiently for the I, hitherto granted tentative existence for argument's sake, they still lack sufficient epistemological qualities to dismiss with any sense of finality, or even a good working sense, the problem of hard solipsism. Or maybe not.
As a dead person who does not believe in Prague I can confirm that you posted that.
@@slappy8941 Only if you believe that your existence is impossible.
Underrated!
At least you took off from Joyce International. My flight attendant is still describing the oxygen mask with Biblical references and a metaphor that used childbearing.
The journey is only a couple of hours, but it actually takes years because of endless, pointless diversions.
Life is a journey... people get lemons many make lemonade some may build a battery...
"Properly follow proper protocols."
Get's me everytime. Even after over ten years....
I flew in on Charles Dickens Airways. It was the best of flights, but also the worst of flights. The in-flight meal was just a bit of undigested beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, and a fragment of an underdone potato. I kept asking the steward, "Please, sir, I want some more," but he told me my expectations were far too great...
Did the flight attendants beat you instead and attempt to recruit you into the mortician business?
Right! I have known so many people who have been leveled by eating those darn under done potatoes! And yet the World Health Organization remains silent!!!
I asked the manager where gate A5 was and he led me to a McDonalds parking lot across the street and then proceeded to fire me on the count of treason
Ok, Dale Gribble
I never had a problem at Kafka. I just properly followed the proper protocols.
All the little jokes in the background, not counting the news ticker:
Signs: "Waiting, Departure (burning plane), Truth (Madness)"
Clock that just constantly spins randomly.
Signs: "STOP. POWER. DIE. FORGET."
Train ticker: "LIFE AND OBLITERATION ARE INDISTINGUISHABLE. SOULS MAY BE SUBJECT TO RANDOM SEARCH."
Train ticker: The word "NO" repeated in different languages.
A TV that just plays a loud video of a baby crying constantly.
Map: A building shaped like a Penrose triangle, which cannot exist in a largely Euclidian universe like ours.
Map: "Terminal 1, Terminal A, Terminal ["
Map: Circular, infinity-sign, and river-delta runway segments.
Map: Two buildings shaped like Escher's forks, which also cannot exist in this universe.
News subtitle: "AIRPORT SCHEDULES 250 FLIGHTS PER DAY ON CIRCULAR RUNWAY"
Ticker: "HELP ME HELPMEHELPME... HELP ME..."
News subtitle: "Customers may only carry on empty bags."
The whole personal quiz.
Travelator: "TOO FAR"
News subtitle: "AIRPORT OFFICIALS INSIST TRAVELERS ARE GIVEN THE TREATMENT THEY RECEIVE"
Every flight on the schedule is either delayed, crashed or missing
Some flights are scheduled to impossible times of day
Also that last terminal is called Ë not [
Some background jokes are only in Czech, for example:
The clerk's surname is "Zlámaljelito" which loosely translates to "He broke a sausage".
Signs leading to "Zoufalství" (Despair) and "Smích" (Laughter) point in the same direction.
Neolexious Neolexian Some airports are actually thinking of adopting circular runways. As it turns out, building and lengthening miles-long straight runways gets much harder when the airport is in the middle of a city.
All the news subtitle/scrollers. E.g 1:17 “90s Pop Band ... Back In Studio To Record Filler Material For Upcoming Greatest Hits Album”.
Travelers complain lost luggage is sent to the person they hate the most
Also look at 1:29
Say what you will about Kafka International, but Borges Airport is even worse. The luggage claim is a sprawling, infinitely large labyrinth and the only security is a Minotaur. My ticket was actually a leather bound book with infinitely many pages and when we finally took off, the plane diverged into millions of branching alternate timelines.
Danielewski Airport took a lot from the design of Borges Airport, but put it in a bigger building. There are scores of food courts right next to each other, some of which only contain a single chair, half of the passageways have been removed but you're still expected to walk through them, and just when you feel like you're getting somewhere, some strung-out tattooist stops you to deliver a rambling and unnecessarily graphic anecdote about his sex life and how tough things are for him right now.
I don't know how he keeps finding me.
Damn
Don’t even get me started on Orwell Airport. The airline I was flying on changed its name 7 times throughout the flight. Incredibly double-plus-ungood.
What do you mean, they have always been named that way
Jeeez...just follow the proper protocols.
NO YOU FOOL. YOU HAVE TO PROPERLY FOLLOW THE PROPER PROTOCOLS. NOT JUST FOLLOW.
This was my problem. I was following the proper protocols, but improperly.
@@siukong should've properly followed proper protocols then
Best thread
"And your captain this evening will be an 800-pound, sentient weeping dung beetle."
Passengers have been requested not to pelt the pilot with apples.
Dante Alighieri Airport is hell, I tell you.
Nothing could be worse than Hemingway airport. I appreciate the complementary drinks and massive airport bar, but you easily get lost, emasculated, and before you know it, the plane's crashed and your wife divorces you!
Too good, too good. You forget all the air stewardesses are bitches and will invariably break your heart partially because you're unable to satisfy them due to a war injury.
It’s worse if you’re female. The staff will treat you like you’re completely vapid or a philandering shrew.
The Orwell airport is actually worse, almost dystopian
mason: unless you are a middles aged butch lesbian writer. Then they will fall in love with you at the start of the flight but hate you by the end of it.
Arthur C. Clarke International Airport was on the whole really quite nice and modern; but their computer system was *murder* to work with.
That's nothing - in Genoa the Airport is called Cristoforo Colombo Airport. If you board a plane going to Japan, they will drop you off in Haiti and insist that this is Asia and you should torture the locals until they give you gold.
Nowadays, we call that "panhandling".
Simply amazing. Thank you so much.
Instructions unclear. Got thrown into a Haitian prison instead of getting gold.
Well played sir, well played
@@spaceman9599 Its Dr. Spaceman!❤
The Onion 2009: Getting screened for cancer is a leading cause for finding out you have cancer - 2:12
The President 2020: Getting tested for corona is a leading cause for finding out you have corona.
We *ARE* living a Kafkaesque existence.
Luca,
That's why dumb j trump has never admitted his sexually transmitted diseases.
Went looking for this comment lol
Dah! Looks like I had better dealete my comment because someone beat me to it. ... I give you my props.
We wouldn't have so much coronavirus if people stopped getting screened! It can't hurt you if you don't believe it exists.
The Stephen King International Airport in Maine is weird. It starts out normal, gets stranger the further you get into it, and has an unsatisfactory climax.
magicatthemovieS isn't that the one where they put a religious zealot on every flight and the runway gets eaten between takeoffs?
Chunkboi Yeah, that's the one. Apparently it's very popular among alcoholic writers and kids with supernatural abilities.
I know that feeling.
matt: Alcoholic writers? So, you mean all writers, right?
Out of context
In all fairness, some of Prague's Kafka International Airport's problems, stem from much the staff there, metamorphosing into giant cockroaches.
lol great line..... he he very literary
dammit i hate when that happens
Should've brought a flamethrower
And also they are cranky because they typically go weeks and weeks and weeks without food.
"In the event one comes into contact with LSD, PTSD Follows..." -PT
At Belgrade Nikola Tesla Airport passengers often get electrical shocks from the railings, the A/C power supply is inconsistent due to frequent tinkering with the boxes by the personnel as the airport consumes massive amounts of electricity (produced by the nearby namesake power plant in Obrenovac), which is thankfully dirt cheap, almost free... Lightnings often occur around the airport although no one was ever hurt by them. The new control tower (nicknamed Wardenclyfe) is under construction for 30 years yet incomplete since the funding was cut. Security, of course, uses X-Rays and there are radars, radios, Wi-Fi and drones... Also there are sometimes tremors of unknown origin and rumor has it the airport has a secret weapon that helped shoot down that USAF F-117 in 1999 (pieces of which are on display and on sale at the nearby Belgrade Aeronautical Museum). Also bits of airport's inventory often get stolen.
1. Who are you. 2. If not who are you? 3. Is it not true that you are whoever we say you are?
That one is painful to wrap my head around.
It's more or less asking "do you believe you are immune to society's conditioning?"
@@TheMasterTelevision I've been conditioned to believe I'm immune to society's conditioning and now I'm don't know if I am genuinely immune or just think I am
@@zacmumblethunder7466 your paperwork has been rerouted and your flight was filled out incorrectly.
Just say you are microbe. They aren't capable of higher thought so you get some leeway for mistakes.
The scroll above the train has the word 'no' in every language.
OMG I missed that 😆
It's not a scroll. It's a crawl scrolling. Well, that's what the giant cockroach told me.
So I'm at Prague's airport at the moment, and now understand where they got the inspiration for this clip. There's a sign for the toilets where no toilets exist, and the sign for the KFC leads you down a very long corridor to a dead end. It will be a small miracle if I actually make it to my gate
It's also likely based off of Franz Kafka's The Trial
You are lucky because you are still alive.
@@bflmpsvz870 is that good luck or bad luck?
@@scottmatheson3346 You're right. Luck always goes both ways in Kafkian land.
This is literally a Genius work of Satire
This isn't satire
Most of Kafka's work have been interpreted multiple times, the most popular explanations of which often postulate that his works are satire. This comment may be a reference to that fact
Still better than the airports run by Dostoyevsky-Dickens International Airline. The waiting periods and the flights are interminably long, passengers come off of planes depressed and suicidal, and the sounds of crying hungry children haunt the terminals. The airline's business depends entirely on people who take travel recommendations from their English teachers.
Tchekov airline is not bad; you get a full buffet with open bar, two rows of triple wide bathrooms, bridge-table style seating and the plane is insanely decorated. As a result, everybody is drunk and loud, there is non stop fornication and poker playing and the flight attendants keep wacking people at random when they have enough. When the plane lands, there's always at least one dead body, the medical doctor is useless and the crew asks the passengers to chip in for gas.
I found the Dickens - Schrodinger Airport to be the most strange experience. It was the best of flights, it was the worst of flights, but you could never tell before landing.
@@yudithcaron8053 At Tchekov Airport all firearms must be declared upon arrival and discharged before takeoff.
The flights are so long because the pilots are paid by the second they remain in the air.
The hospital where I was born has since been demolished, which only makes it even more Kafkaesque.
As a person living in Prague, I laughed really hard at this! :D
Slyšel jsem, že tam je hodně referencí z Kavkových knih, což z videa dělá ještě větší skvost. Mohu se zeptat, co tam je za reference? Bohužel nejsem čtenář knih...
I had a orderly experience at Prague's Václav Havel Airport last year. I feel cheated, really.
I cannot muster a properly in character response to this. But I must say, this is one of the most genius Onion skits I've seen! :)
I had this recurring nightmare, where I was on the run from something I can’t remember anymore. One night, I tried to take a flight out of Franz Kafka International to escape. All of my dreams take place here now. It’s been this way for four years.
Your dream self lives there now, and so will you too
Last night I dreamed I was trying to steal back a mutated folded up horse in a briefcase from someone that stole it. I wonder if it was checked baggage at the Kafka airport.
Arrival is Departure.
Destination is Layover.
The White Zone is for Loading and Unloading of Passengers Only.
Is this some newspeak BS?
No, its Franz Kafka protocol
@@fulcrum2951 pretty sure it's a Frank Zappa reference
@Roger Loquitur
Don’t you start with your red zone crap again! The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers.
@@matthew8153 The red zone has always been for loading and unloading passengers. There is no parking in the white zone!
The writer behind these episodes is a genius.
The Camus airport in Algiers is also quite interesting. The corridors are long, loop around and get you where you first started just as you think you found your gate. Some say that if you accept the fact that you cannot get out, but also keep looking for your gate, you can actually find it.
one must imagine the baggage handlers are happy
Putting it in Algiers was a nice touch xD
I remember going to Dante International Airport. I was forced to walk through several miles of people being brutally tortured before I finally got to my flight
hi guyman9, have you become a flat earther yet?
Mexico City's Benito Juárez International Airport is honestly not too far off from this. It took me an hour to find a friend because we didn't realize there were two terminals called "Terminal 8" on opposite sides of the airport.
Well 8 is just an infinity symbol that isn't passed out drunk.
Sounds like Doha. That airport is a labyrinthine nightmare!
Interestingly, Pyongyang's George Orwell Airport received the best rating. All but two passengers gave it the best possible marks in all categories. The only two who didn't were clearly not of sane mind as they committed suicide within hours of leaving the negative reviews. One by shooting themselves twice in the back of the head and the other with polonium poisoning.
So that’s where my polonium went! I’ve been looking for it for ages!
Have you lied to us?
Have you lied to us?
Have you lied to us?
Have you renounced your god?
fantastic
You skipped “Will you lie to us?”
This is ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!!!
One of the most recognizable features of Kafka's prose is the misery and helplessness of the individual man trapped in an enormous and heartless system which stubbornly sticks to rules and conventions, and completely lacks any human empathy. It is an incredible coincidence that the Kafka airport should live up to the name of the man whose works led us to coin the. word Kafkaesque to describe bureaucracy ridden enormous and inefficient public institutions.
Ah, what a gem of content. Perfect translation of Kafka to now-a-day-a-ese
I had a similar experience. My ticket directed me to gate "AL", which turned out to just be some guy named Al. He told me he was trying to find gate "ED".
is this a gay love story?
When I red his name, Machacek Zlamaljelito, I lost it! Great video! I am proud of our depressing airport! =d
Why, what does his name mean?
*****
Zlamajelito = Broke sausage (or something in that sense).
It is like in the Monty Python's Life of Brian "Biggus Dickus" play of words and sound.
*****
Ah. :D
Flight got cancelled. Had to spend the night there. Woke up as a beetle
Skill issue.
Haha, nice joke, K. Anyway, I fucked your sister.
The guy at the desk is named "Zlamaljelito" which translated means "Broke-a-sausage". And no that's not a real name
This is still the best onion news they've ever done. Every line in it is perfect.
I'm surprised MC Esher International Airport is not on the list. I've been climbing these stairs forever!
Just take the waterfall, it’s much more fun. After the fall you just ride the river up and fall again.
I’d recommend going to the Marquis de Sade airport. It’s a great time.
You can't beat it.
Schrodinger international is weird, half the time you end up at Heisenberg instead, you have to keep checking that you're really there and when you get home you find a cat in your luggage.
Possibly a dead cat.
This airport has a giant insect problem. I don’t mean it has lots of insects, it just has one giant insect
"Airport officials insist travelers are given the treatment they receive."
For my flight from Marx-Engels International, the pilot bureau elected a shoemaker assistant general secretary and supreme commander of the plane. I'm the sole survivor.
I went to Lao Tzu International once. The employees told me that i should go to the gate my flight was on, but no one knew exactly what or where it was.
I was told that wondering what or where it is obstructs the natural way of the flight and you’ll never find it
@@MikeHawk-s2g "The gate that can be spoken of is not the eternal gate. The flight that can be named is not the eternal flight."
0:34 the clock in the background spinning like crazy in all directions 😂
I think you mean 0:34
@@glenniebrother you're right, edited.
I bought a clock from said airport and its been spinning neverendlessly even when i removed the battery
“Getting screened for cancer is the number one cause of finding out you have cancer”
Oh my god
Yeah, and then the dumb asses go to hospitals where people are always dying...
"Dostoevsky hotel"
"Ended up murdering another hotel customer"
*I RECOGNIZED THAT REFERENCE*
Scrolled way too far to find this comment
@@jessblues848 i know right
Care to share with the class?
@@faceoctopus4571 I don't remember what I was thinking of, but my guess is that I thought it's a reference to "Crime and Punishment" by Dostoevsky, dunno if you read it but the connection is pretty thin.
@@nikoslav I have not read it.
0:55 lol'd at "exiting enterers" and "entering exiters" right below each other.
1:47 Zoufalství (despair) and smích (laughter) pointing the same direction : )
1. Who are you?
(1) Animal
(2) Animal Product
(3) Microbe
(4) Plant/Soil
2. If not, who are you?
3. Is it not true that you are whoever we say you are?
4. You are disgusting.
5. Have you lied to us?
6. Have you lied to us?
XX. Will you lie to us?
28. We believe you have lied to us. Does it truly matter whether you've lied to us?
28. Have you renounced your god?
I don't understand these people. I follow the right protocols and the airport is alright.
Conformist.
I was told to properly follow proper protocols but I see where instead following the right protocols can be useful.
Kafka's hundredth birthday
When I arrived at my gate, the security guard wouldn’t let me in. So I sat down and waited. Many years later i had grown old and felt I was about to die, so I asked the security guard:
“Everyone strives after the gate” , I said, “so how is that in these many years no one except me has requested entry?” The security guard sees that I am already dying and, in order to reach my diminishing sense of hearing, he shouts at me, “Here no one else can gain entry, since this entrance was assigned only to you. I’m going now to close it.
The delivery of “Gate B2 is next to B11 and B14 is in the F terminal” kills me every time