Narcissism in Mother-in-law/Daughter-in-law relationships
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ส.ค. 2024
- This video answers the question: Can I describe the narcissistic mother-in-law in the context of a mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship ? This type of relationship can be challenging.
We see in the research literature, from the perspective of the daughter-in-law, that this relationship causes a lot of tension and they find that the communication is often hurtful, dissatisfying, and the poor quality of these mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships can cause damage in marriages. There are a lot of factors to consider here in terms of the ramifications of the narcissistic mother-in-law, like the potential relational and mental health ramifications.
Narcissism is a number of characteristics associated with it: manipulation, arrogance, being condescending, a sense of being superior, a sense of entitlement, self-centeredness, requiring a lot of admiration, being resentful, distrusting, feeling insecure, and also being cold, distant and unforgiving. Now on top of this, we see a lot of anger, aggression, and jealousy as well. Narcissism can be divided into two types: grandiose and vulnerable. I think of vulnerable narcissism as more related to the problems with the mother-in-law/ daughter-in-law dynamic, but grandiose narcissism can play a part as well.
Rittenour, C. E. 1. christine. rittenour@mail. wvu. ed., & Kellas, J. K. (2015). Making Sense of Hurtful Mother-in-law Messages: Applying Attribution Theory to the In-Law Triad. Communication Quarterly, 63(1), 62-80.
Every Narcissistic mother in law is also a Narcissistic mother, wife, sister, grandmother... It affects all relationships.
Good point, this helped me. Thank you Meera! 😊
You're most welcome Blue is. 😊
@@meera2531 🌷🙋
And its doesnt change when they die.
they rule the mommas boy from the grave.
Meera Mehra and the sad thing is that the sons never see anything wrong with their mother’s behavior. And I’m stuck with a narcissistic husband who was perfectly groomed by his mother.
I am a mother in law! I have a wonderful daughter in law and I see her as a bonus daughter. ( I have 2 son in laws too). Mothers need to accept they are not number 1 in the son's life once they have a wife and the marital relationship has to be respected. Enjoy your grandchildren but for goodness sake respect the right of the parents to make their own decisions :)
Julie Bolger God Bless you, you are 1 in a million
👏👏👏
Can you be my MIL!? Your children are blessed. Ik your family events are memorable. I wish I could have that 😔.
My mil's only child is my husband. To her he is one of the seven wonders of the world and I totally stole him from her. In six years she blew up three times already. Massive outbursts of screaming and slapping the table. Two of the three times in public mind you.now that we are parents she criticizes everything I do. Fun times. I wish I had a mil like you 😥
I wish my mil could be like you. I have tried but I've run out of patience today. I just need a moment to vent primarily because I'm at home by myself with young boys and no one to talk to. Thank you for being so awesome!
Eve was lucky. She had no mother-in-law.
True
Very Interesting 👍
God was kind of like a manipulative mom-in-law. Here's a tree with the coolest fruits around, right here in your front yard, and by the way don't you dare touch it.
😂😂😂😂 true!!
True, but her father in law was very strict and threw them out😂 at the first disagreement. Lol
It's the job of the husband to deal with his narcissist mother. If he doesn't, he will lose the respect of his wife.
And its the wifes problem to deal with her psycho narcissistic parents, lest the husband loses all respect for her!
Kathy Hansen I’ve lost respect I’m tired of attempting to set boundaries for myself and our children.
While he says he sees that she is being manipulative but sits there and allows himself to continue to be manipulated.
I’ve exhausted all resources.
I want a divorce..
which is what I didn’t want to give my mother in law the pleasure of having.
She knows she will be the one helping him raise them when we end up sharing custody..
@@evamz9584
Hey, sorry to hear about your struggles. I'm a recently married man and the son of a narcissistic single mom. For about 8 yrs now my mom has had this passive-agressive war with me and my wife. It's to the point where my mom has never been to our "Marriage home" and text msg only. I don't want respect lost on me from my wife so what would you advise a new husband to do in this situation? I'm not sure I can cut my mom out completely., But we're very distant now.
@@thesigmaassassin567 Coming from someone whose hubby has a crazy mother, please cut her off ASAP. Both our mental health are better now. If the relationship is distant anyway, it might be worth just getting rid of it completely.
Yes you’re right.
I think its really sick how some mother's see themselves as the main character in their sons life. Even using them as emotional support, a replacement husband 😷
I told my in laws on Christmas Day, because for the first time since my husband and I have been together (10 years, 6 of which with children) that we’re spending the day with my cancer patient mom who won’t be here next Christmas. We did spend Christmas Eve with his family, as always.
They accused me of holding the grandkids hostage from them and I lost it. I said “mil, fil my kids aren’t a pizza to split evenly and they are not emotional support animals. Gtfo it. If nothing is good enough, then nothing you will get.”
I’ve been pushed to my breaking point.
The saddest part is this is my life. If you have a mil like this,GET OUT NOW. NOTHING YOU DO WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. No amount of kindness helps these people.
Very true
My MIL was sweet as pie until we got engaged and then she started being a bit pushy. I didn’t worry about it but after the wedding her narcissism came out. I’ve been married 25 years and love my husband but she has made life hell for both of us. We have some very clear boundaries that she tries to ignore and every single day is more BS. It is exhausting and soul crushing.
Fifi Squirrel
Is that a justification for her to be mean to the DIL? Just because her (MIL) marriage was not working well and she was abused by her husband or he is deceased, does that mean she should spread misery to the DIL and her son?
I don’t get it! I really don’t.
@@JM-pz6bh sounds similar to my mother in law. I’ve been with her son for almost 9 years. When she and I first met, she was super nice, accommodating, praising etc. after red months, she switched the flip. She always wanted her son to worry about her. Blowing up his phone back to back, getting emotional when my husband doesn’t decide to do something with her when she knew our plans etc
@@JM-pz6bh I've had mine for 18 long soul crushing years. The divisiveness and manipulation is just pure evil, but, oh, the precious face she puts on for others. Ugh.
Why does no one ever talk about how devastating this can be to a person? I came from an abusive family right into another one with my mil and her extended family who have done so many evil things to me and yet no one ever cares..they just say things like: "Mil's are like that, no big deal" but it is a big deal! I guess I'm just an easy target since I have no family to stand up for me and I was already so broken from childhood. It's easy to step on someone when they are already in the dirt.
I know exactly how you feel. I come from an abusive family also and they are estranged. I feel isolated. I don't know why there are no laws (except in No. Carolina, that I know of) that deal with this. It's called third-party intervention.
I can relate to this so much. I came from a lot of abuse in my childhood and was pretty broken when I started dating my husband. I wanted a relationship with my in laws and loved them. It took a long time to realize they did not love me. I thought they were amazing at first. My husband warned me they are messed up they just hide it better. Our marriage survived but I now after 27 years of bs have no relationship with my MIL or Sil Best decision for me. But it wounded me deeply for many years and took a lot of counselling to heal from it.
Stand your ground, you are not alone. Im also in that situation. Be strong and stick to your guns and fight for your hopes, dreams, and future no matter what even if you stand alone
@@almarabella1653 ♥️XX♥️
I have the same issue that you've describe, been married for 30 years to my high school sweetheart and his family never really excepted me and I also came from a broken home life and am estranged from my alcoholic family, I was hoping for a new start way back when with my spouses family and realized that they were never going to except an outsider!
GOD Bless You and keep you ❤️
My mother in law was so controlling and possessive I though the only chance I had to develop a relationship with my then boyfriend was to move away to another part of the country so we did, Then I discovered it wasn’t just the mother in law that was the problem when we moved back as discovered my then husband had no backbone and very poor boundaries with his mother and his father. His family never accepted me thought I wasn’t good enough gave me silent treatment and interfered with marriage. Now I’ve discovered the truth after years of abuse from his dysfunctional family that the problem really was that I was too good for him and his family. After 33yrs of abuse from a controlling Husband and Domineering mother in law that wouldn’t let her son grow up and make his own decisions I’d had enough and I’m now divorcing him,
The mother in law was always encouraging him to be very selfish and kept reminding him of other women all the time as if I wasn’t good enough. They do a lot of damage some of them I agree once you get married the wife should be the priority and mother in laws should take a back seat but some can’t cut the apron strings because they live through their kids and have no life of their own.
I see you've met my my mother-in-law.
Omg!!! Yes!
Throw mamma from the train 🚂
I see we have the same mother in law haha I seriously feel for you!!
Mine too. Demon pro max
Mine too
Sadly, my narcissistic mother in law’s toxic behaviors created two very toxic men. Both of them married very empathetic women. My sister and law and I became her biggest targets for abuse and we both receive zero support regarding the way she treats us from her “boys”. It’s a horrible dynamic. Thank you for the info and affirmation.
Smh, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're not blind to the games she tries to play on you! Hope things become better for you!
Catherine Dorman Too awful! My first husband was extremely narcissistic. My second husband's mother was too. But he was
smart enough to not let it affect our marriage. I think our marriage
was successful also because we lived over 200 miles away from
her! Distance helps. Even so, I still have a couple of bad memories involving her - especially during the time he and I were dating. She made one very strong attempt to break us up, and it didn't work. But then once were got married she tolerated me, but I could tell she still didn't approve. If these freaks see that they can intimidate someone, they go in for the kill! You have to be strong and strong enough to keep quiet. Once they see your anger is aroused, they really double down on you. They see how vulnerable you are. Just be nice and above all, keep your mouth shut. It's so ironic that my first husband was a malignant narcissist but his mother truly was an angel, then my second husband was an angel but his mother was narcissistic. Well, I had plenty of experience with these folks, so I recognized her for what she was the first time she said something mean to me. Plus, I understood that she was really liked his ex, and hoped they would get back together. (Me being on the scene, however, had nothing to do with anything because he never would have remarried her - but his mom didn't really understand that.)
Nancy Ayers I literally have over 5000 miles between us but he speaks to her several times a week. Usually I do like you say keep to myself but when we go to his home country to visit family she’s so very destructive. I barely even speak her language but her tone, body language as expressions speak volumes. I understand enough to know that I am zero, nothing, finished, last behind the rest of the world. She actually had my husband translate that to me while at her home for dinner. He was happy to oblige. He just laughed and said “that’s my mom”
sound eerily similar to my predicament mine took my kids and my other half had her back I'm not sure if there scared of there mum or what its just very weird bordering on the line of creepy its horrible these people really need a warning sign or some sought of punishment what gives them the right to go around destroying lives and getting away with no consequence's there needs to be more awareness for people like this I mean its the number 1 traits of a serial killer for gods sake
Yes it is that way with jealous mothers!
Daughter in laws need to remember this very important fact. "YOU ARE THE GATEKEEPER". You decide who you spend time with, you decide who is in your life and who is in your children's lives. At any point you decide a parent, grandparent, uncle, or aunt is acting in a manner you do not like or is unhealthy, you have the power to lock the gate.
My parents kept us away from 3 out of 6 grandparents (second marriages) then 2 of the 3 we were allowed to know died when we were little. As an adult I learned for myself the many reasons why they kept us away from those people and I agree with the decision and am glad they did it.
"The moment you stop being the obedient daughter is the moment you become a fearless mother." Your spouse may have a problem with it but just be upfront and communicate with them about your feelings and the actions of his or your parents. You may need to get proof of a few things your mother in law says, recording apps are great. Since hurtful words are usually said when you're alone it just confirms what you heard and no one can say "you must of misheard"
Thank you for this! I needed it. Especially with my husband not sticking up for me. I finally got to the point where I’ve said me and my kids will be no contact with MIL.
This. All of this. My toxic in laws have been running a smear campaign against me for years and I just figured it out. Other family members on my husband’s side stopped responding to invitations to parties etc. and I couldn’t figure out what on earth I could have done. One family member told me everything that was going on behind my back because he’s a decent person and knew not a word of it was true. He also told me that he believes his sister, my mil, is an undiagnosed narcissist.
My latest “sin” was texting mil and asking her to please come to me, as an adult, instead of complaining to her son, my husband about some perceived slight against her golden child, my brother in law.
She took 3 glorious weeks to respond to my text message because “I attacked her in an aggressive manner and she had to collect herself.”
So I suggested a phone call to clear the air so that nothing could be misconstrued via text.
I recorded the call because my husband wasn’t around and I wanted him to know that I never exaggerate the way she speaks to me.
He sent the recording to his father who accused me of editing it because “his wife would never say those things.”
Like yeah, I work 60 hours per week, raise my kids and am the full time caregiver for my cancer patient mom but I totally have time and the need to make my mil look bad. She doesn’t need help in that department.
What she needs is therapy and perhaps an exorcist.
My Mother-in-law has been causing issues between my husband and I. Everything has to be all about her it's like she constantly needs her sons attention and cant stand to see him with another women
Omg! That's exactly my mother-in-law. She never fails to create drama in front of husband just to get his attention!
Yesss she talks his ear off when I’m around it’s so exhausting I wonder how he must feel dealing with it all the time
Wow sounds like my mother in law but sense last month we removed her from our lives we don’t need toxic people in our lives
@@vintagemoon7815 So glad you removed her
As the husband in this case it’s really hard. Realizing your mother is narcissist takes time, because you’re used to it and it’s your mother after all. You’ve been manipulated for so long. The best you can do is to help him seeing the manipulative patterns she uses and let him figure out the rest
What i would say that there are 3 types of things a mother in law tries to do.
1. Turn your husband against you
2. Create drama ao that your husband is stressed. That leads to more fights in your relationship
3. Insult/disrespect you to make you angry/scared that she will destroy your relationship - leading to more fights and drama in your relationship
All three ultimately lead to destroying the relationship if not dealt with properly
And she will do her best to turn you against your husband (her son )if she see that her scapegoat son is trying to put boundaries with her , she will never accept this and just want to destroy his life.
I’m scared that this will happen in my relationship because of his mother but I try not to let it get to me
@@jaymeisaacson7199 if you think she is one of those 100% unreasonable people and it gets really bad wait for an uppertunity where you can play the victim (you know - you are allowed to because you are actually a victim if your mother in law is trying to destroy your relationship) and stand up for yourself. Cut contact with the mother and ask your husband not to talk to her about you and explain to him why. If he wants to argue just stay calm and say 'im sorry you feel this way but i cant help you othervise. I feel differently about this' and let him get to his own conclusions. Remember if the mother is crazy it will take time for your husband to see the real picture. Remember. He is a victim too. He has been in this bullsh..t his whole life. Be on his side and help him but if he wants to argues just say im sorry you feel this way but i feel differently' and then go away
@@uk9383 Thank you. I was starting to get hopeless
Bingo ! This is exactly the causes behind the break down of my last 16yrs relationship as it related to how my mother in law destroy my relationships using her daughter. I recently ended the relationship I’m in therapy now.
I knew nothing about narcissism until I met my mother in-law. It took me years to figure it out. I searched the internet with her “symptoms” cause something just doesn’t make sense. She even said something is wrong with her mentally but she never had it diagnosed. I just distance myself as much as possible I am not going to waste my time playing her mind games. I don’t give a hard time to anyone nor will I take it.
My MIL has attacked me a few times. At first, I was shocked by what she said. Later I stood up to her and she finally backed down. Now she is passive aggressive toward me. Outwardly charming, but I catch her watching me sometimes and her eyes are full of hatred. She tried to get inside my head, told me I have "low self esteem" and when I disagreed she said she has a degree in psychology. I reminded her that her "degree" is from 40+ years ago and that she is not a licensed psychologist, nor has she ever had a practice, and so she is not qualified to diagnose my mental health. Of course, her son walks on water and can do no wrong, and all problems in our marriage are my fault, never his. :/
@Deborah Armstrong, I can completely relate to your situation. My MIL personally attacked me saying I was insecure and that's why her son cheated on me. Told me that I needed to go get help for my issues but her son was fine and didn't need any help. He basically made her apologize to me but it felt very forced and insincere. But, the next time we were at his parents, she was over the top nice to me and seemed very phony. My husband says he doesn't agree with the things she said to me but he defends her and tells me to get over it. He won't back me up and he won't stand up to her. He is definitely the golden child and can do no wrong. I believe they are both vulnerable or covert narcissists, the worst kind!!
@@caseyseeger1628 Yep, that sounds the same alright. He always sides with his mom. Her needs are always more important than mine. I think they are both covert narcs.
Wow your so right about the evil look in their eyes! Ive had the same experience and it gave me shivers! NARCS are so creepy, especially covert narcs. I was living with my MIL and openly said to her your opinion does not matter because everyone knows you always side with your son! It is vital that you both dont discuss your marriage around her ever! just keep saying, Im not interested in talking to you about my private life lets change the topic. polite but firm. grey rock nodding and an air of who cares works wonders. DONT FEED THE BEAST!
My MIL saw me collapse unconscious during a celiac disease attack, she just stood there without helping. Afterwards she cooked deadly wheat dishes for weeks at daily family meals. I SAID NOTHING and just ate my own meal. She would have this creepy smile when she served her poison meals for herself and her grown son excluding me. Eventually, he got furious and he said something to her. She was devastated and began turning her rath on him. I stayed polite but withdrawn. She moved out. But she still wraps wheat products as gifts for me! Frenemies forever, LOL!
@@enlightndark6671 wow, she sounds horrible! I hope you were able to get away from her and work our your marriage without her around! We finally moved out, and it is so much less stressful. My husband and I are still not completely reconciled and I am not sure that he really can change, so I am making plans to separate from him. He finally admitted that his mother treated me badly, but he doesn't have any empathy when he says it and doesn't really care how it affected me. He even says things like "she never treated ME that way, so I just can't really relate to what you are saying." So I am not buying his FAKE empathy!
OMG same as mine. My hub supports me behind my MIL but he never stands for himself or me, shes played a quite role to make my hub believe that his own father is evil and left her to suffer yet she enjoys my FILs money and still abuses him and tortures him. My hub doesn't live with me even tho we are married he made me get married in secret my family wasn't present nor his family ever came to visit my family nor he came to visit my family before marriage after marriage, now I know why he married me in a hurry . He says all these are normal from his mother's attack, dusting door mat on my food on my face, spitting my food, after 7pm she makes me live in a dark home using her mobile torch 🙄, calling me names, hiding all food , she's 60 and she dresses up like 16 and behaves like 19 🙄. I'm living like a widow with no partner to care for me or love me, he's exactly doing what his mother want, she always came to me behind her sons back and started saying her only child (my hub) is evil and how I should divorce him, yet she's shameless to steal from me, she cooks meat and hides all meat from me, I'm nor allowed to cook until she finishes cooking first and beaury queen wakes up at her own beauty time, and finish cooking by 2pm on purpose so when should I eat and finish my cooking then? I lived in a nightmare well I had no wardrobe of my own in my own hunsbands house, she gifted me her inner wears and her teenage used Clothes which doesn't fit her anymore as a wedding gift to me 🙄my red flags I ignored ik from start something was off about that lady. My hub dint fight for my place in having my own wardrobe, she dresses up to funeral dyeing her hair, shaving her face with my husband's used rusted razor no really is she doing to funeral or her engagement. OMG you should have seen her on my B-Day. She stole all my B-Day presents. My husband is no saint he has anger issues I told him to let it go. He was like I lived with my mother for 35 I know her better she's innocent 🙄. How many times I recorded her video and showed it to my husband he Denys it calling me a narcissist saying I'm the one who's ruinning his life. He's living a lie by covering up his mothers evil deeds . Well she's caused lot of problems to everyone too I even once saw her attacking a 10yr old kid only cause the kid loves me and spends more time with me 🙄. Knew my husband wouldn't man up so I decided to fly back to my country as I couldn't have a normal wedding where my family was present yet my husband watch sadguru videos to heal himself well I see no results in him of changing to be a better man. He seriously needs help but when I say this he says I'm. Mental and I need a good therapist. So I just let him be he, since he can't feel what I'm to face with my family about my marriage with him and his family, it's been two yrs no monthly allowance so technically I'm taking care of my self, he can't even satisfy me in bed either yet he blames me for not being sexually active anyways I'm happy on my own I'm back in my home, I'm earning and taking care of myself. Ik one day I'll find a man who will respect me stand by me. I can't get old by playing a mother's role to my husband. Even I grew up on my own that doesn't mean I don't need a nurturing partner ofc I need a friendly, loving, humble kind husband yet I'm shocked when my husband said he chose me cause im not like his mother and he said he don't want a wife like his mother figure I'm still confused
My husband’s mother used to hurt me with her behaviors. I tried to win her over. Could never do it though. I got sick in 2017/2018 and decided to get rid of those who bring more pain in my life than joy. Have never been happier. Still married to her son, but now she means nothing to me. Funny thing is once I emotionally divorced her, she’s all nice to me now. Either way, I don’t know her enough to care. Lol!
Its nice to know some situations that the marriage can still work. I've chosen to finally cut out his family. After 7 yrs of emotional abuse from mother in law n other family members I hope I can heal n still be with my man. I hope our relationship can succeed
Seriously, good for you. I'm a total stranger but I am proud of you!!
Pray for me as I am trying to do this😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏
@@jjmee2235 sending prayers your way. ❤️
Same here! 💯
My mother in law was the cause of my divorce. My husband said his marriage was a burden he didn't know how to balance between his wife and mother. He paid for my lawyer fees because he didn't wanna be a MAN and tell his mother. A MAN SHOULD LEAVE HIS MOTHER AND FATHER AND CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE. HIS MOTHER BEEN SEPARATED FROM HER HUSBAND FOR 3O YRS. THAT'S THE CHOICE SHE MADE. SINCE HER LIFE IS ALL SCREWED UP SHE CAME BETWEEN MYSELF AND MY HUSBAND.
I was in exactly the same situation. Exactly the same one. Plus the witch had 4 ex husbands and 4 children. One with each husband. She made my ex husband not talk to any of his relatives and then also managed to poison his mind against me. I was miserable for 2 years after the divorce
Tammie, I agree with you.
SAME STORY HERE ..DS MOTHER IN LAW ISSUES ARE EVERYWHR ..Y DONT DEY START TAKING CARE OF DER OWN PERSONAL INSECURITIES ..N OUR SCREWED UP HUSBANDS SHD FIX DER MESS B4 THINKIN OF GETTIN MARRIED N TRYING TO SCREW DER WIFE OVA
Yes, my mil had a good go at causing divorce between myself & her son, & it took many yrs before my husband could see what was gping on & see his mother in her true colours. The damage she has caused has been horrendous - her tentacles stretched beyond us. It looks like these men, these sons, are so weak, but they have been groomed almost from birth to believe their own mothers are the most important in their lives. I've spoken at length to my husband about why he didn't rebel, & he says that when you're in it & have grown up in it, you believe all the lies to be true, & you think it's normal & that anyone who disagrees with it is wrong. The only problem now is that he sometimes speaks to me the way he wished he would've done to his mother, if i don't agree with something he says or does - he still doesnt know how to deal wwith conflict. I guess we are both still a work in progress, but the more we learn about this insidious form of evil, the more we can heal & be prepared for anything like it in the future so we don't get sucked in again.
This is my wife, always put her parents first before her husband and even the kids. When I asked why cannot we have a vacation without them, she told me why am I trying to start problems? Her parents to this day always come first.
Please do a video on Narcissistic parents and their effect on their children.
Cali In the Valley I can tell you. Grew up with a narc mom & an enabling dad. No contact now in my 40’s
@@Kristen10-22 When you have 2 Narcissistic Parents the best but unfortunately the hardest thing to do is to go no contact. The guilt really gets to you. Unless, of course you want to be continually gaslighted, devalued, inspected and just be there for their benefit. Please Dr. Grande, elaborate on this topic.
It took me 5 years to find out, name and comprehend what was happening to me, my marriage and the relationship to my husband. That's the hardest part- a lot of people experiencing narcissistic abuse can't name it and don't know how or what exactly is happening. I personally started watching videos and reading books on the topic because I was convinced that something was wrong with me. Eventually I even went to a therapist and with their help I could finally name it. My husband and I are now 1 year mother-in-law-free and trying to rebuild what his mother managed to break.
I wish I had found this particular video earlier as it describes 100% of everything I experienced the last 5 years. It'd have helped me deliver the message to my husband a lot earlier.
I didn’t mind my mother in-laws underinvolvement, it just hurt when it was extended to our children.
Heather T. I hope the kids are old enough to understand Granny has a problem and its not them!! I had to do this with my son, thank God my husbands' parents totally made up for it. Wishing you and your family happiness withOUT her!
@@blueeyes6852 Thanks, my two kids are now in their late 20's and are doing fine. My mother also favoured one of my sisters children so it was a double whammy for my two. They missed out on having that doting, focused attention that many grandparents provide. I care more for their sake than mine, guess what they didn't have they don't miss. 🙂
Heather T Isn’t it wonderful having grown children, where you can discuss hard issues like these. Bless their little hearts! It sounds like you’re a wonderful, caring person and mother. It’s such a shame when people like us try to break the cycle, irradiate unhealthy relations, whereas others are still resistant. Smh.... 💐🌷🥰
I loathe my covert narc mother in law and I'm happy she isn't trying to come around more to see my baby girl because she didn't bother with me the entire time of my relationship before marriage than after we got married 2 yrs ago and never bothered with me while i was pregnant so she can see my daughter when i feel it's ok . She is controlling and i don't deal well with that. I wrote her a letter and told her this Is my life she can't run it . And told her all about her self . These are my kids not hers . I buck heads with controlling abusive people because i was in a abusive relationship when i was younger for 4 years by a mom and son. No once deserves any kind of abuse . Don't let her walk on you . Any time she says something have an answer they hate that. Just don't allow yourself to be cut down . Get your husband on your side . Video tape your mom in law if you have you . They always wait till their son isn't in the room and then the passive aggressive comments and unwantex advice flows out of them and it's insults in an indirect way . They aren't being nice . That's a control thing .
Heather T they didn’t miss out on shit! Thank god they didn’t get close to this idiot! It’s a blessing. I can’t wait until the day my wife’s piece of shit mom starts openly favoriting her sisters kid!!! At first site of emotional trams to my kids she will be cut off...if my wife is not on board then i will get a divorce as that’s a hard FUCK NO in my life! Either our family is all on same page or it’s not a family !
Another version of the gossip/relationship damaging is where the narcissistic mother in law tells third parties fabricated things and claims the daughter in law said them. It's a form of relationship damaging/smear campaign.
Same here. I had enough when she tried it with my kids and grandkids. She's slowly losing her family one by one.
I used to do everything I could to be clear about things and mind my Ps and Qs so that there wouldnt be any trouble. Then after many years of stressful interactions I found out she would lie about stuff anyway so it didnt matter how well I performed.
My therapist said it’s called relational violence
My MIL did this to me..everyone in their family doesn’t like me..
I noticed how the people who are connected to my in-laws that we commonly know started treating me differently. I kept wondering what I did wrong and been worried about it for a while.
And just recently I heard that my MIL has been crying to one of these people. It was because I didn’t allow her to visit after the birth of my second child because what she did to me when my first child was born which drove me into deep depression which I am still battling until now. I didn’t need that kind of stress so I told my husband I don’t want any visitors and they were on top of the list.
She never apologised to me, she just keeps attacking me by putting things into my husband’s head. My husband admitted to me that the things we fight about were his mother’s ideas. In other people’s eyes, I mistreated her, but the reality I have been the one enduring their abuse.
I named my mother in law the mother in law from hell. I suffered 20 years of abuse from her and couldn't say anything to her because in my culture is disrespectful to say anything yo someone older than you. One day I decided to end it all and she is out of my life forever. I am so happy that I moved 1000 miles away from her. My kids and me are so much happier.
best decision : leave toxic people out of your life
Good ! Now Your kids stand a chance at not having her bad mouthing you.
I'm happy for you. I'm trying to get away from my situation too. I tried to get there in some small good grace with my mil. But today I have given up.There has been a little game long standing that I stink and everyone will rub there noses everytime I try to open my mouth to speak. So it's a clear message that they want me to be docile and complacent. It's ever the more disturbing because my first mil wasn't nearly as bad. My new one makes her look like a cake.
Good for you! You have great strength!!
I moved to a different country, but she calls her son every single day and still controls him. Due to modern tech he is just a video call away. She still manages to come and stay at my house for periods of time.
I once heard a therapist talk about how in her 40 years of experience, there has only been a handful of times when a father or father in law was causing severe problems in a marriage to the point the couple was ready to divorce. Usually, like 90% of the time, it's the mother or mother in law causing problems.
She also said that decades ago it was more common to see a woman's mother causing issues in a marriage. But these days, it's much more common that the man's mother is killing a relationship. It's likely a cause of the rise of single mothers and overall the coddling of men. It was almost unheard of 40 years ago for a 28 year old man to be living with his parents unless he had cognitive problems. Now we see men who are completely financially dependent on their parents and the mothers are loving it. So any woman that comes along and tries to help the man to find a path, become a man, get on his feet and move out will be seen as the enemy.
Women usually have an easier time putting their mothers in their place. Usually. But men seem to really struggle with telling their mothers to stand down. So the problem grows over time.
Men need to remember, it's more important that a woman respects you than loves you. Love can only go so far. When a woman loses respect for a man, the relationship is going to die a quick death. If a man can't stand up to his mother, there is no way he can strut around his house like a man and expect his woman to respect him. It doesn't work that way.
My MIL has every narcissistic trait. Her own brother told me he believes she’s an undiagnosed narcissist. My FIL is not, yet he will stand behind his wife even when she’s dead wrong, purposefully creating a smear campaign against me for the past decade, refuses to believe she says the mean, hateful things she says to me, so I recorded our last conversation and sent it to my husband because my MIL rarely acts out in front of him. For some reason my husband sent that recording to his father who insists I edited it because “his wife would never say those things.”
He recently told me to “stay out of family business” so obviously after a decade together, I’m not family.
I’ve never been good enough for these people but they DEMAND “alone time” with our children. Like from birth, they expected me to hand over my newborn for overnight visits. Why on earth would I hand over my baby to people that openly hate me?
I could write a book on the abuse I’ve endured by these two.
This past Christmas was the worst. I’m done. I’m going no contact. My kids are going no contact because I caught MIL trying to poison my 5 yr old daughter against me and that’s absolutely never going to happen. Disgusting people.
You'd think humanity would've figured out this problem by now.
Right! It mostly effects women so it gets mostly ignore . I wonder if ppl not being married as long any more has changed this at all.
@@kathrinjohnson2582Or better yet not even get married and staying away from any narcissistic people.
@@nickidaisyreddwoodd5837 good idea 😉
Until after world war 2, it was considered extremely tabu for a woman (or man) to say anything about a grown child's marriage. This is still the tradition in many countries. They will often have a mother in law living in the home and she never says a word - unless it's something nice. Remember the scene in The Godfather when the daughter's husband is becoming verbally abusive to her at the dinner table and Sonny takes up for her - the mom tell Sonny sternly "Santino, don't interfere ". We need to go back to that.
I hope we finally are
You hit the nail on the head I had a mother-in-law who was so manipulating and controlling,she wanted to control my children and she also wanted to control my husband which is her son. She told me she could never really love me, she never would except my input as if my opinion did not matter, she was very manipulating cunning, She also could make herself cry as if she really had feelings but she was a master mine manipulator it was all False.she also spread false rumors about me that I was not a good mom and that I was abusing my children and could hurt her son,she caused a lot of problems in my marriage.She was very jealous of me as if she wanted to be the wife,it was like we were in some sort of competition. She also ignored our children as if they was not a part of their family and she also would hit our kids and she would say they were aggravating her. She has so much control over my husband he would not even say anything to her when she spoke insults about our 2year old daughter,I came against those word curses in the name of Jesus Christ and I applied the blood over my daughter and my sons,God stepped in and took control now that psycho path with her emotional incest with her son is out of our lives forever. thank you so much for your insight you have given me more of a understanding what I was dealing with and why she dislike me.God bless you.
Sarah Plummer thank you so much same to you God Bless 🙏🏾❤️
Mine is a great pretender. Her style is she will be very warm and gracious, but she just wants you to be her puppet in the end. Sorry, but she will never win over me 💪💪💪
Rafaela goltsman Amen 🙏🏾
Ashley Family can u please help me out I’m currently going through the EXACT SAME THING OMG 😱
Ashley Family keyafi latease on Facebook 1863-583-2538
My mother in law has done most of the things you spoke about. Days after my wedding, my husband and I were waiting for our flight to head out to our honeymoon. His mother had already shown many narcissistic attributes towards me and all her sons (mostly controlling her sons). But she went off (via text) on my husband about me, my entire family, and how the wedding isn’t about the bride and groom but about the parents. We apparently didn’t do enough to recognize her on our wedding day… which we paid for 100% ourselves. My husband went off right back at her and told her if she didn’t start respecting his wife and her family then he can’t speak to her anymore. Of course she apologized (only to my husband) a few days after we came back from our honeymoon. We went to lunch with my in-laws and she was wanting ME to apologize to HER for not being more grateful at our wedding…. My husband told me not to go with him to visit his parents anymore because he was sick of how his mother treated me. But that turned into her saying I was controlling my husband and keeping him from her (even though he visited once a week)… she even told him he made the wrong choice and should have married an ex girlfriend of his (that she had met once, just once). That was it… my husband completely cut his parents off and didn’t speak to them for 6 years. He just recently started speaking to them again after my mother died because he didn’t want to miss time with them. He has enforced boundaries with them and I still haven’t seen either of them since that day at lunch years ago. If they try to talk about me, my husband stops the conversation immediately now after his mother tried calling me names apparently.
I went into my marriage worried my husband would always allow his mother to treat me horribly, but as soon as we were wed he told me, “You’re my wife now. Before, my mother was the most important one to me, but now you are my family and my number one concern. She hurts you, she hurts herself by not getting to have me.” I felt strongly about his mother being narcissistic so I just stumbled on this video and it’s pretty much confirmed (as far as TH-cam videos can be considered confirmation.
Thank you.
Your husband sounds like a good man. Thankful he stood up to her. Sorry you had to have that happen. I’ve been there. My MIL and sister in law are all about themselves. It’s an awful feeling as you want your husband to be happy and have a good relationship but sometimes that’s not possible for your mental health
Ooh great topic for me Dr Grande.
Although now left far behind, both my former mother in law, and my own mother, who was also a misogynist had a really damaging effect on my life. Now happier than ever.
I'm really happy for you.... Your husband, it sounds like, had a more profound influence on you (and the love you have for one another). Cheers Choke!🍀😊
@@blueeyes6852
Thank you, that is very kind. I am very happily single now. It's a very long story, so won't write an essay. 😂
I am so lucky to have got to the place I am in now after having a very difficult time. Thanks for the comment.
@@chokinonashes61 Choke.... Do you think those hard times, you went through, have made you a better woman? What was hard for you to do when you became single? I ask because my husband is stuck in Canada. He stayed with me in the U. S. too long, so they banned him from entering the U.S. for five years! After being married for more than two decades, I find it very difficult to meet new people (I don't drink). I'm lonely and don't know what to do with myself.... I'm sorry this is outside of topic, but you're happy! Thought you might have a tip for me? Cheers 🌷🙋
She couldn't get me to react in front of her but what I found painfully unbearable was the fact that he always said I was misinterpreting her meaning or was being too sensitive. After 7.5 yrs. she decided to get to me by being viciously cruel to my son. Again he tried to tell me it was an accident. This was the rock bottom of the relationship for me and I left him. He tried everything to get me back but I wouldn't put my son or myself through any more even though he spoke to his mother and she admitted everything and he said he'd never feel the same about her again. Makes me wonder if they were both the same.
ShazGreenock I admire you and the difficult decision you had to make. You sound like a great Mum and truth be told, the situation would never have changed for the better if you went back.
Good for you. Been married for 16 yrs. husband always on her side. When she visited us to ‘help’ when I was sick , couple of yrs ago,She was really mean to me. And my husband still supported her. That’s my last string. Still with him, but emotionally detached. He who cannot support me emotionally, he not my husband.
My husband did that too, or said it doesnt bother him so it shouldnt bother me. Okay maybe he just felt better knowing I was being scapegoated and not him.
At first, my husband thought I was just misunderstanding his mother but, the abuse started taking place in front of him. The wedge she intended to drive between me and my husband, she actually wound up driving it between her and her son. Eventually he cut ties with her.
Wow, I married 2 abusive men, both their mothers openly disliked me, I used to wonder what I did wrong. I didn't see until now, they had the same mother!
Their are narcissit and learned from their mom ( I called her the head bully)
KimPansey Why oh why would you turn around and marry another abuser? Are you subconsciously trying to defeat yourself? When I
finally got my first divorce, I was keenly aware that looks, money, etc. we're not important. I wanted a kind man.
@@nancyayers6355 It looks like you need to do a little more research and be a little less judgmental. Have you heard of love bombing? And why do you assume the second man was wealthy or good looking? He was in fact on the lower end of both scales, but behaved like a kindly prince until the deal was sealed, after nearly 2 years of courting. Oh and that was after 3 years of being single, so it was 5 years later, hardly a "turn around" . And you're right, kindness is important, I'm not sure if your goal was to be unkind or stroke your own ego, but you succeeded in both.
@@TheKim369 I'm sorry for the hurt they created in you
KimPansey t
My MIL and I both share a love of gardening, so I (naively) thought it would be something we could bond over. Funny thing though, whenever I asked if she liked what I had done she always happened to ''not notice'' my flowers. On some of her visits we would have like 3 dozen bushes covered in roses along which grew large colorful lilies and clematis, which were all over the front of the house and along the entrance by which they entered. Yet somehow she'd always claim, ''oh... no. I did not have time to notice them'' while checking her phone.
I totally get this. I have been dealing with it nicely for 17 yrs but finally have had enough.
I’ve been married for 14 and called this time as living in the twilight zone. It wasn’t until about a year ago that my eyes were opened up as to what I was dealing with. I have the MIL that is not involved, but she will interject herself into my life when it is convenient for her or she’s wanting to know something. I used to be very upset that the in-laws do not involve us-especially the kids-into their lives, but now I’m trying to look at it as a blessing. Now I’m trying to remove contact unless absolutely necessary (for me and kids). Unfortunately, there’s also a family business involved , but it doesn’t involve me. (That was made clear-lol.). My husband’s brother also married a similar kind of woman.
I have been gaslighted and manipulated for years. It is refreshing to listen to this and understand I’m not the one going crazy and my suspicions about her are most likely correct. The biggest hurdle that I have is not to become bitter and angry towards them because I realize it only hurts me. And probably gives her some sort of joy.
Thank you for this video.
Dr Grande, Thank you for your invaluable and rare video. Please expand this video and include COVERT NARCISSISTIC MOTHER IN LAWS! So many people are truly confused because these mothers can be charming but also play the guilt tripping victim, jealously seeking attention turning their son against his own wife. Their primary intention is a type of emotional incest to manipulate their sons gaining POSSESSION AND CONTROL to reenact their PAST QUEEN MOTHER victim complex. Often they create a gang like family dynamic pitting their sons against an abusive husband. They are HIGHLY ADEPT AS passive aggressive manipulators using guilt, shame, silence, and blind loyalty to reinforce their dominance. As they attempt to secretly gain their sons attention they are also privately COMPETING, criticizing and seeking revenge against the daughter in law.These mothers seek to dominate and want the daughter in law to assume a SUBMISSIVE secondary role in their sons life. They recreate a QUEEN MOTHER - SERVANT CHILD relationship with their GROWN son, all the while being blind to his actual age, needs and personality. They OFTEN VIOLATE his privacy and marriage creating fake excuses, fake emergencies, and fake drama. Through this drama and victim role playing they use secret manipulation to increasingly demand attention, money, or chores be completed for them. They will create fake dramas during holidays, during vacations or social events shifting the attention to themselves away from EVERYONE ELSE even children. They will often ignore, overlook or treat as invisible any others in the extended family including their own grandchildren. During conversations they twist tragedies back onto themselves. They enjoy misery becoming energized and turn suffering into a competition offering superficial or no emotional support to others. WHEN CHALLENGED covert narcissist mothers almost always become vindictive, twisting words and reality to express outrage at having their victimhood shattered. They will spends hours, days, years furious at being held accountable for their lies, or hurtful words or actions. If challenged they will misrepresent, LIE and DISCREDIT THEIR DAUGHTER IN LAWS SECRETLY all the while acting kind and shy in public. When ask politely to follow social boundaries they often become moody and hostile. They will act infantile during debates, mimicking others, insulting them, be overly demanding, make excuse for their self entitled beliefs and argue irrationally to ESCALATE RAGE AND ARGUMENTS. Once the daughter in law becomes angry, they feel vindicated and will cut off contact and FALSELY claim ABUSE. Despite being cruel and lying, they will insist to other family they are abandoned and broken birds left by the side of the road by a cruel wife. No matter how much attention, love, support or finances you provide they will never stop violating other people's boundaries, never stop criticizing, never show gratitude and CLING TO THEIR VICTIMHOOD AND MISERY. They HATE OTHERS BEING HAPPY OR SUCCEEDING and will not only refuse to offer compliments but will become openly hostile towards happy people. Even worse they actively undermine their daughter in laws attempting to destroy or control any child, event or activity that brings happiness into the home. They will secretly ATTACK family members PEACE, HARMONY AND HAPPINESS to reinforce their projection of life as a miserable hardship where everyone exists to serve their needs and agree with their world view.
this is my mil to a T.
This is so true!
Wow !
I have never felt so seen.... Wow. Perfetto
@@In-fin-ite-potential Same
Oh my God it sounds like your describing my life with my mother in law, 100% my case
Roquera Lover 100% and thank God she is now my ex-mother in-law!!
Mine too! I’ve actually joked that the day she died, all the angels in Heaven sang “ding dong the witch is dead!”
She is fighting for tour husbands care and attention
You can also watch any episode of Everybody Loves Raymond
Joe Zimmermann 😂 LMAO!! Yeah right! 👍🏻
My son and Istill refer to my mother as "Marie". 😊😉
Joe Zimmermann There’s a laugh track playing because Marie is not funny, she’s a nightmare.
Joe Zimmermann There's only one way to handle a narcissist - avoid these idiots as much as humanly possible. People who must for any reason have relational proximity to a narcissist are in a special kind of Hell! I wouldn't wish that on anyone ever!
Yes it is not a show I care for!
This explains my relationship with my mother-in-law to a T. And unfortunately it did wear on the relationship with her son, who decided it was easier to tell me to ignore it rather than tell his mother to stop it, and I ultimately had to leave the relationship with our children in tow. Such a sad ending that could’ve been avoided if everyone had just put their egos aside and worked to have a harmonious life together
That's what I'm afraid of. I'm engaged to an amazing man, but his mother is a covert narc. He is aware of it and is getting therapy, but he still hasn't fully detached. I'm afraid he wouldn't be able to go no-contact if he needed to.
Thank goodness for spouses who eventually recognize the narcissistic parent for what they are, and stand by their own family, ending the cycle of abuse. I'm very grateful that we have been able to get away from our narcissistic abuser and heal as a family.
You literally just described my whole relationship with my boyfriend’s mom in 14 minutes and 10 seconds wow 😳
Great video. Thanks to a Narcissistic Mother in Law/Father in Law and her probably sociopathic (sure he is a Narcissist at least) son (my ex) I ended up with PTSD. Thank God I got out of that dysfunctional environment for good. However, I must say, I've never been the same I was before getting entangled in their evil and cruel mind games.
Janice, no you're not the same. You're wiser, more informed and a little more patient and understanding then you used to be. I get it, how you said you aren't the same..... I had a horrific conclusion to a relationship, which 'changed me' (for the worse I'm embarrassed to admit). I made a conscience decision to change back! I didn't want him to change me for the worse - give him that kind of power. It's been forty years now and I really like me now... making a powerful choice helped me. Wishing you and yours happiness girl! xxx
Mine will say great things about me to my husband, trying to get him to convince me to come spend time with the family. But when I'm around her she's cold, dry, un relatable, and will give backhanded comments and criticism. I have never felt comfortable around her nor have I felt like she wanted me in her life. She has thrown me huge hints throughout the time I've known her that she does not like me. And everytime she insults me and I get upset, she'll convince my husband that she did not mean to insult me when she knows damn well she did. She manipulates it and makes it seem like I'm the one with the problem. I can't stand to be around her and honestly...I don't want to try anymore. It is much easier to deal with when we keep our distance from each other.
Amanda Armstrong OMG! Exactly the same thing I’m dealing with. When the hubby tries to intervene, she convinces him that I’m overreacting, or over emotional, or (gaslights) and says she “never said that”. I feel so stuck. 😩😩😩😩😩 trapped is an understatement, bc she’s so covert, no one sees her doing this to me!!! Everyone is fooled! I’m stuck looking like the asshole. It sucks. Otherwise, I have a normal, healthy marriage. I just wish I never had to see her again!!! But, she’s the matriarch, and pays for family trips, etc., exploiting even more attention.....I can’t stand her. I don’t know what to do.
This happens to me except I've got a spine of steel and I'll hurt her feelings right back. But I'm always "the one who started it" and I'm "so horrible to her." Like I'm just trying to match your energy, hon 😚
Same here. Finally cut ties. I'm still her target, she is still trying desperately to convince my kids and who knows who else that I completely control her son. She's losing family members one by one. I feel nothing for her. Not hate or even pity. Nothing.
Please, can you address the narcissistic mother with co-dependant father? Thank you.
That would be a good topic
That would be great
Also toxic daughter-in-laws..
I don't know that my MIL is a narcissist. But, she offers unsolicited advice about nearly every subject, but she does it in a "nice" way, as if she's just looking out for my best interests. It's everything from financial advice, exercise, childcare, how I wear my hair, how I decorate my home, etc. I know she's about to do it when she starts her response off with "Can I make a suggestion?" It gets really old. My husband warned me years ago. He doesn't put up with her crap, thankfully. I'm the sucker who keeps thinking our interactions will be mutually respectful and she'll treat me like an adult and not some kind of child she's trying to shape into a paricular mold. I need to just stop sharing with her.
Lol I wish my mother in law was like this. That would be so mild.
I don't know why you'd want to "heal" a relationship with a narcissistic in-law! Is that even possible with a truly narcissistic person? Isn't it better to keep them at arm's length, especially if you have any children you don't want exposed to them?
Best thing I ever did was to have no contact. I only see her once a year. My husband is fine with it and my kids are old enough to do what they want. They have chosen not to have a relationship with her. They are nice when they see her but basically to make their dad happy. I really believe my husband just wants her money in the long run. Im fine with that. Just don't push her on me or vice versa. Nasty people will be nasty.
The way to heal ourselves is to let go of and not care about the toxic people in our lives no matter what they say because THEY WILL NEVER LOVE US! And children must learn to live amongst these beasts with guidance too. We cannot just hide them away as we use to because then they are prey for the monsters as teenagers. I use fairytales to help kids build resistance to degrading insults socially. Ugly ducklings do math saving the world, so every kids gets bullied, but we all must stand back up.
So in my relationship, I grey rock around my partners mother. And I show the kids how to do it too. I am polite but totally on to her tricks now, her head games, her insults, her crying fits, her drama are of no interest to me. I NEVER ASK HER QUESTIONS. I just nod and say insipid things like 'how nice for you' and move on in social groups without obviously cutting her out. When she insults me, I ignore her and sometimes make an excuse and leave politely leaving everyone staring at her in silence. Without engaging in their hateful debates, we WIN. Our polite lack of engagement and silence defeats them. Our partners no longer have to painfully pick sides or defend anyone. Then, the mother's craving for targets will once more turn her rath on her own grown children. Suddenly they remember what it is like to be abused. I just say, oh thats too bad, she does that to me too, its just her way and drop it. Dont ever rescue grown children of narcs! because they will never face the truth of how ugly their mother is as long as they can be codependent and project their feelings onto you to fix. They have to break themselves, then reject her on their own. NEVER FEED THE BEAST, build a cage around it by pushing it out of your heart and mind and do not speak about it to other family members! DETACHMENT is the key to liberation.
@@kimprager5770 I've gone no contact as well. She's the type that even if I had to see her once a year she would insist on talking to me and continuing the drama and ruining the event. Someone would have to keep her away from me so I don't see how that would be possible. I would have to have an exit plan. Not worth it.
Absolutely agree with why would you want to heal a relationship with a toxic mil.....what's the point they can't see it or help themselves....no , put your energy into healing yourself and have as little contact as possible, for your own sake
The first conversation with my mum in law as a young bride was shocking and mind bending for me. It felt as if i traveled back in time to the 10th century.. haha
She was the only one who talked because her first sentence blew me away. I knew right there and then that i am in for a lot of "fun" with her. She lives with us, battles her inner demons but i help her as much as i possibly can. I kind of feel bad for her.. i'm of course still not welcome and acknowledged as a member of her family and am not invited to any festivities by her daughter.. i'm an outsider and i dont mind it. In our fifteen years of living together i think she's afraid of me now and avoids me at all costs. I try to be as gentle and kind with her as with my own mother, because i see she cant help herself acting out sometimes. I teach my kids the same. I would tell them you cant be angry with a dog for barking. That's just what dogs do.. She does piss me off though, but i forget it quickly. There were only three occasions in our 15 years together when i had to confront her with the boundaries she can not cross. The boundaries included my children, my own mother (she'd call my mother to complain about me, and then my mum would call me in tears and i would have to calm her down and reasure her and this crazy spin would seem endless) and my work place. I see her changing though.. she'd now have periods of putting me on a pedestal, admiring me to a point of delusions and then trashing my image to whom ever would listen.. her strategies are kind of morally low. What she does to create arguments to complain about makes me say that she is insane. And never before have i ever thought she might... be narcissistic.. now i know. Otherwise, i have no issues with her 😅
My moto is 'Just set firm boundaries and dont feel personally offended.. life has so much joy to offer on many other fronts'
Wow! This was very vindicating for me. My MIL literally has covered every subtype at some point in our relationship. Feels good to know I’m not crazy.
You're not crazy. Don't let them make you believe you are because then they'd have won.
My mother in-law is a nightmare. Told my husband not to date me, cause I am black and I will break his heart. Years later, we are married with kids, and she tells him I will cheat on him and leave him for someone else. She is constantly whispering lies in his ears. She makes me out to be a bad mother and bad person. In the end, my husband cut contact with her, after we came home from work and our baby was covered in bruises due to her negligence. My husband can't stand her and won't even call her on the phone.
Wow... bruises?! Nope, see, the roof would have come off the house, sis. How come the first thing my mil said to my hubby was, "Oh, she's Black." When he showed her a picture of me...never did sit well. What's that supposed to mean? Her mask doesn't slip, it's merely dangling at this point. All I can do is stop wondering about her bs, and start living the best life I can.
My ex fiance mom ruined our relationship
Mine too
My mother In law is a narcissist. She uses her love as a weapon. She is consistently jealous of me and my children. When I buy my children some thing it’s always how much did that cost did you really need that. I always thought she was crazy but now I just see she’s a narcissist. Who gets jealous of their own grandkids? So many people have told me how she talks about me and my kids behind our backs. My kids are small and I never understand why she doesn’t love them??? Crazy!!!!
I wanted to share that my now ex- father in-law was/is a narcissist and was horrible to me from the first time we met. He was always over involved and was cruel to me, initially behind my ex-husband’s back, and then as our wedding approached, he was verbally abusive towards me with my husband present (ie. asking me if I actually did any exercise since I look so fat). I strongly feel these issues were a contributing factor to my divorce, mostly because my husband wouldn’t/didn’t stand up for me as he would just shrug him off and say “my dad’s crazy, that’s just how he is”. It lead to so much resentment towards my husband. Because my father in-law lived in another country, it made things a bit easier but near the end of our marriage I stopped wanting to travel to his home country because of how he treated me. My husband was never able to understand why I was so bothered by his father’s behaviour and his avoidant behaviour towards his father. I will no longer date someone who has family members I do not get along with. His father was rude to me from the start, and it was a huge problem for our relationship. Narcissists are the worst.
My ex’s brother chose his wife and family over is narcissist mother, no contact, and moved to a different state, without saying goodbye. My ex was too weak...it was like she wanted to be the wife...I made her happy and moved away, by myself....so glad to be out of that triangle.
My story too carrie
Some MILs manage to be both over and under involved.
Great video. All I got from my narcissistic mother in law was criticism and smear campaigns. My husband was her scapegoat child. My husband's ex wife is also a narcissist. Those 2 stayed very close, even through the ex's many marriages. The hardest part was her hateful behavior towards our son. My husband's 2 older children were clearly her favorites. She would make sure we knew about all her outings and gifts to the favorites. We went no contact when she tried to turn our son and my mother against us. We took care of my husband's narcissistic mother the last 3.5 years of her life. She never changed. It only gets worse the older they get.
I'm a fiancee, I've been with my fiancee for 5 years.. His parents are so abusive and awful, it's not just the mother. They've made me cry on so many occasions by yelling at me and calling my names. They were super involve in our relationship, having 4 hour long talks with my boyfriend about how he's going to go to hell for being with me and how he's made terrible choices, on and on. Telling us we should take a break from each other, (like that's their decision.) Telling us we're bad for each other. His parents have never met my parents, because my family already hates them for inviting me to stay with them, and than kicking me out, trying to make me homeless on the other side of the country. We can't do anything right, because we're not married, yet we live and sleep together. I want nothing to do with those people. Don't want them at the wedding, and I don't want them involved with our future children.
Are you sure you want to marry into this family? As much as you love your husband-to-be, when you marry someone you also marry his family...
The only way I'd proceed would be if the boyfriend or husband is going no contact.
My MIL is 3 & 4 🙄 it’s horrible. It’s impossible to heal the relationship. I’m over it. Been dealing with her for 7yrs and she continues playing games behind the scenes.
Smh...😒
My MIL is all 4
My mil has fully removed herself at this point. I basically lost my mind finally and stood my ground on something that she wanted to have a full blown power struggle about. After my partner took my side, she had a meltdown and insulted him along with me. She still texts him but he doesn’t respond. She refuses to speak with me and that’s 100% okay with me. I’m not sure if I’d call her a full on narcissist but she certainly has many tendencies.
You must know my Mother In Law. This video describes her perfectly..
that's why i'm a cat lady
Songbird, I agree. I am too!
If the mother in law complains about the daughter´s in law wedding ring, comparing her to herself "that she didn´t have the same ring herself"; coulld that be a red flag of a covert narcissistic mother in law?
Yes
Uh oh!
But it’s your marriage why is she bothered by what you get?
Jesus Christ! 🥴
Yes
@@God.sDaughter - Yes, ofcourse, but some people bother because of controlling needs; but she is not only bothered, she compares herself to her
Lol, oh dear I thought there was narcissism in my relationship with my mil but thought after the first half I must be wrong. Then I heard the second half! We moved from New Zealand to the UK to be near my mil, we got along so well. Then she would be controlling with my children, my youngest is autistic so I’ve had to step in a lot.
She is awful about my husband to everyone including me. He is a hard working man with a lot of his own childhood trauma from her hands...he warned me about her but because my own relationship with my mum is so good I thought he was exaggerating.
Now my husbands brother has a missus and a baby...they get along really well, breaks my heart, I’m away from all of my family.
The situation I am thinking of is a little different. The mom was diagnosed with NPD and the damage was put on her adult kids. There were lies told and a conscious decision to set them up against each other. The mom can be so mean and hurtful and caused pain to her kids. The in laws were always supportive of their spouses but were never considered “good enough” to be married to kids... very destructive and sad. The good news is the kids pulled together and are fairly close.
thebarky1988 it's the narcissist who is sad and destructive.
I entered the relationship thinking that my MIL would be like a second mother for me… honestly what I found in that toxic relationship changed my life: I discovered Narcissism and understood the craziness I went through for years
Dr. Grande, I'm so happy to find your channel. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This video helps me know I'm not "crazy". The sad part is that my husband was raised by 2 narcissists, not just one. My mother law is the kind that is sweet to your face and stabs you in the back. So passive-aggressive with her stuff. She was still introducing my husband's ex-wife as her daughter-in-law when his ex died, and we'd had been married already for 18 years. My husband was taking some college classes when my mother died. At the funeral home, she came up to me and asked me why my husband was at the funeral home. She was disturbed that he wasn't at home studying for midterm exams. My M-I-L came to my house one day while I was at work and went through my daughters clothes to get rid of clothes she didn't need, because I had not done it properly. Recently, I told her that my husband had told me that he was raised by a father who considered himself the King of his castle, and everybody else was his peon servants, that there really wasn't a Queen, and she looked at me and said, "That's your problem, not mine." And walked away.
How does a DIL and son set boundaries for a mean narcissistic MIL? the son and his wife are on the same page about the MIL’s anger and bad behavior. will you please consider doing a follow up video to this one? Thank you.
That Girl If this is the spouse's mother, they are the one responsible for handling her. This happened to me in my second marriage and my husband laid down the law to his mom. Living 200 miles away from her didn't hurt either. When the in-laws are within driving distance it would be harder - but even then, hubby would have to put his foot down. Otherwise, proximity would be a serious problem.
Over involvement indeed , passif/agressive tactics, jealousy, yeah arrogance, omg I'm so glad I found you! The ex MIl came to our place & wash the dishes do the laundry .her son called her bcoz we were supposed to receive appliances we were at work I didn't even know he did that. When I was pregnant it's became worst she took all of our baby shower gifts to her house , she said maybe my son was allergic to my milk😆😣😣blessed your heart ! I'm glad I divorced them. Yeah his son have a new supply.
My ex fiance his mom hated me thank God I never married him
I am a MIL to a narcessistic SIL, I always stay out of my daughters marraige. Its hard dealing with her husbands grumpy power struggles. I babysit when I can and cook or go out for special mommy/ daughter dinners once a month. That how I choose to keep in touch becsuse his moody days and silent treatments are too much to just sit and ignore! The MIL is NOT always the distructor.🌷
...yes that will be her. As usual limited contact, physical distance, and firm boundaries...failing that a bucket of water. I would also urge DILs to work on our self-esteem and not caring about what ILs think of us, for the sake of our sanity.
Deborah HW. my husband warned me about his mother. i took him at his word, but still tried to be open to liking her. that didn't happen. she thought she could hurt me, but i was forewarned and nothing she said meant a thing to me.
Deborah HW You do know that you can't love another person until you reconcile your issues and develop a strong sense of self-esteem? Otherwise, you will attract narcissists like flies to honey! They need weak women to play their game.
@@nancyayers6355 not weak..victims !
Deborah HW I absolutely agree with you 100%. My MIL forced her way into our home about more than 2 years ago. When her true colors began to show all hell broke loose and I told her to never set foot in my home again and that I hate her and she’s evil. Since our fallout we haven’t spoken in more than 2 years and she’s deliberately ignoring my children and she knows I don’t care. I quickly cut off her daughters too and my husband knows I never wanna discuss any of them in my home, cause I don’t like them and don’t care about them. I don’t lose my sleep over her. Only problem is that she’s busy using witchcraft on me.
Deborah that is so true. Wish I would have not cared so much for so many years. Evil witches just aren't worth it and life is too short.
Yup this describes my mother in law and sister in law (s-i-l married in to the family as well, but sees herself as being the matriarch 😂). I employ the 'keep my distance as much as possible' approach for my own sanity, as they lack insight and attempts to improve things on my part, over the years, have failed. I feel for anyone in this type of situation. Fortunately my husband agrees with my point of view 100% but not all spouses are so lucky!
@@ikjyotrehal6860 sorry to hear! In addition to this channel I have gotten lots of useful advice on the following TH-cam channels: Sheila Robinson-Kiss, The Daily Positive, Alan Robarge Attachment Trauma Therapist and DSD (DSD focuses heavily on narcissism in females). Sending positive thoughts your way 🌟
Great topic!
This is very close to what I experienced as a son in law. My ex-mother in law was over involved and became supportive of my ex-wife's affair. This was a very difficult situation, the more I pushed a boundary, the more I became the "bad" one. My ex, now in her 40's, still suffers with her mothers over involvement.
It often seems that people think that the man's mother in law is the devil incarnate. That has been so pushed forward by media, movies,etc. But not true. In my case it was my late husband mother who was the devil incarnate and I knew more than one friend who had to cope with an abusive, jealous mother in law.
This happened to me, mother-in-law was always controlling over her daughter. This destroyed our marriage now we're going thru a divorce, I didn't realize it was narcissism she would always speak bad against men, but now l feel so relieved after my ex wife discarding me even though it was a tough time for me.
Well, that's why there's mother-in-law jokes I suppose...
I mean, this must be an age old story. Thank you Dr. Grande. 🌹👍
I have to disagree. There is no place for a joke for M-I-L's with this personality diorder. I know, I am going through it now. This woman has tried for years to break up my marriage and has finally succeeded. She has threatened me with gun violence twice, told me my husband didn't love me, called my mother (who at the time had dementia and she knew it) and slandered me. I was able to ignore her for 19 years but when she went to lengths to try and have me committed, that was when I broke and we had some not so kind words via telephone. Since that conversation, she has been even worse, if you can imagine. When my husband visits her, he is not allowed to contact me by phone and she has threatened to cut him out of his inheritance if he does not divorce me. My sister-in-law has no contact with her because, as she put it, "there is something wrong with her." I think there is a lot of enmeshment and it is sad because I have filed for divorce. (She should pay for it lol)
@@sueeaker3692 I'm sorry for what you've been through and I didn't find the flippant remark from the OP helpful at all.
This is great! Dr. Grande, please consider doing one about narcissistic daughter in laws! My sister in law is undiagnosed but pathologically exudes 8 out of the 9 diagnostic criteria, and pathologically exudes the typical non-diagnostic characteristics of the conceptualization of NPD. When she married her husband, she instigated fights between him and his biological family and barred his mother from having any contact with him or their daughter, her grand daughter. The child is now two years old, and the paternal grandmother has not been able to see her granddaughter since the big manufacturered fight that occurred about a month after the birth of the child. And her son will not talk to her. My (presumably) NPD sister in law tells the world that the paternal grandmother is the one that refuses to talk to them and refuses to see her granddaughter. But we see the paternal grandmother often at the place she works. Her side of the story is that she's tried to reach out countless times, but she either gets ignored or laughed at by them. And since i know my sister in law and the pathologies she exudes in every day life, I definitely believe the paternal grandmother over them. I think it'd be very interesting and helpfully informative if you talked about this dynamic as well. Thank you for everything you do!
That's interesting ,the s-i-l would instigate family bust ups,control the b-i-l to the point only with her express permission he could see his own mother...the list goes on with this ,we know she came from an abusive background but wether that explains it who knows
Doctor, I'm not a mil yet. Your video today really helped me think about what kind of mil I will become. I sincerely thank you for helping me see how I don't want to be! You're fantastic Doctor G, really appreciate you!👇👏
Blue Is great video. Omg, I hope I’m a good mother in law if the time ever comes.
@@Bobbysgirl-e5p I think you will be fantastic because you're caring about it! Don't you worry! Lynn, I'm betting on you👇🌷🌸🌺🌼🍀💕
Thank you for another great video on a truly important topic.
Divorce or no contact is the only sane solution for most.
Doesn't the son see what his mother is doing?
Janice Millican he probably would but what could he do about it?
I agree he’s used to it since that’s the way he grew up. Also, if he tried to stand up against his mom the entire family would come to her rescue. Trust me, my hubby is in this situation. His family screwed him in so many ways as “pay back” and “punishment” for setting healthy boundaries. They went as far as hurting his business as well. They are wolves. One must be willing to be completed disconnected from the family because the games don’t end which is hard for younger men to do. It’s easier as they get older.
Nope my ex fiance took his moms family's side n I left him
Kimberly Smith go no contact
Rosy McGee good for you
When my husband gets mad at me he puts his mother up to cuss and quarrel. When he tells her to be nice to me, she does. She told him to sleep in another bedroom and that's what he did! 4 years into our marriage I'm filing for divorce soon. They can have each other! MIL trashes me to everyone in our county. She lies to everyone at church and turns people against me. Why do people believe these pathological liars?
@Sarah Plummer
Thank you
My mother in law has some of these traits. I do not spend time with her very often because of this. Most of the time she is pleasant to be around but sometimes she is very toxic. One time I tried to get a job and asked her if she would babysit my daughter for me and she blew up, told me and my husband that we were being immature and needed to grow up. (We were raised in a patriarchal setting and don't necessarily agree with how we were raised, especially me.) She's also blown up at me a couple other times, has very strong opinions about how things should be done, thinks I'm a bad mom to our daughter, etc. Soometimes I just get vibes from her too. She also tears people that she doesn't understand apart and I'm very afraid that she is doing the same to me behind my back. Or will in the future once she finds out my weaknesses. I just want to move far away. I had a traumatic miscarriage last year (I almost died and now I have ptsd) and she knows but she won't even ask me how I'm doing. But I'm not sure if I even want her to.
She might not be exactly what you would call narcissistic but she's toxic.
As I’m watching this you have reached One Million subscribers!!!!!Congratulations!!!! Awesome job!!! Hard work paid off!!! Thank you so much for all you do!!!!
Every trait is something my mil did on some level. Very sad. We moved away and I still would get sick to my stomach in anticipation of one of her visits. She literally followed us on our first family vacation without being invited. Commenting passive aggressively on my character and appearance was somewhat normal, supporting my husband in things that she knew weren't good for his marriage or employment was pretty normal,then attacking my character or way of handling the situation - normal . Even once when my husband needed to wake up early for work the next day, he asked if I'd be okay with him hanging out with his half brother that night ( his one night there ) , I said ,"How about not past 2 am and you should be okay in the morning?" His mom screamed across the room,"GO ! HAVE FUN WITH YOUR BROTHER AND FACE THE CONSEQUENCES LATER!!!" My husband was embarrassed and said, "I got this, Mom." I spoke to her in private later , explaining that he often would get sick at that job when he'd stay out too late with friends or family. Instead of owning up to what she screamed in front of five people , she instead said, "Oh, I was agreeing with you!" Made it hard to come to an understanding with her with frequent lies like that.
We tried to have an open dialog on a healthier relationship with her moving forward and were met with manipulation, defensiveness, defiance (breaking healthy boundaries we specifically requested), and anger.
I had one. It was very heartbreaking. I loved her and she was very mean and selfish and truly discarded myself and daughter
I have learned that you can try to set boundaries with others people, but that hardly ever works.
But you can set a boundary with yourself. Like this;
I will not attend dinner, I will remove myself from people who talks disrespect to me, I will not be in a relationship where my needs are not a priority.
If the man can’t do this, then it’s not your problem to fix or to change or figure out. You need to make a decision and find out why you are still in this relationship. Kids are not an excuse. 🙏🏼
My relationship was toxic with my mother in law when my children were toddlers. One time she came over to babysit and when I came home, she reorganized my son’s dresser. I realized it when that night I went to his pj drawer to get pjs and it is was full of his T-shirts. Another time he spent the night at her house and she had cut his hair. She also told my daughter, right in front of me, that if she didn’t eat her dinner, she was not allowed to eat her brother’s birthday cake. I finally had enough when at her house, I put my toddler son down for a nap and he was crying and she told me he didn’t need a nap and that I needed to get him. I said you raised your children your way, I’ll raise my children my way
The look on your face in this one is priceless esp given the title. I really enjoy your videos btw
My mother in law is a special kind of narc.....I never married as I don't want to get married. However i have been with her son for 26yrs and have 3 children with him. I receive every single on of those narc treatments you have listed, however I don't react to her, I respond and the look I receive is exactly the look that Cindy Watts had for Shannan in the interview after her son had taken his family's lives. She is the matriarch of the family and hates being challenged or proved wrong. I don't tolerate how she treats my children and very rarely was she left alone with them, she is one nasty piece of work.
I live in Australia and my partner is first generation Australian. My in laws are from UK and most of her family had passed by the time she had married my father in law so she persuaded him to move to Australia in the late 50s and then it all went down hill for him and even worse for the children. Because fil couldn't handle how she now treated him, he would not be home very often. He got involved with both the footy and cricket clubs which conveniently are played during opposing seasons - one summer sport, one a winter sport and this meant that his kids were at her mercy. He basically threw his kids under the bus as he didn't want to endure her wrath. This caused her to have a weird relationship with my partner and her daughter left the family 25 years ago and will not have anything to do with her. She treats her son like he is her partner and is very jealous of my relationship with him.
We don't have much to do with her anymore, well me and my children have nothing to do with her however my partner feels obligated as she has no other family here. You reap what you sow and she is not worthy of my children as she put some ridiculously weird shit in their heads when they were kids and that's when I stopped any interaction with her. Everyone else might bow to her but I wont.
Sounds a little like my m-i-l. The m-i-l behaves like my husband is her husband. I am his third wife and have filed for divorce. There is a medical condition for her behavior: Covert Emotional Enmeshment (I revised the title because i don't like to use the last word of this condition). It has finally taken its toll on me. This woman is unbelievable and i can't believe I put up with her crap for the past 15 years, The self-entitlement and crossing every boundary is astonishing! She plays a major role in divorcing my husband. He will not grow up and he allows her to control him. I have never met someone so selfish in my entire life (and that is pretty long.)
My mil knew her son was seeing a coworker..our son was 5 months old. I found out, we broke up and she would tell me that her son and the other woman were in love. Upon her seeing negative things in the new love interest, my mil said to me " i told( her son)that this woman is no good, that he should just go back to you)". It was crazy, and not true. We stayed broken up yet somehow got through it all and eventually got back together. Things are better between us, yet my mil is worse. She does ignore the fact our son cannot have soda etc and gives it to him often. I don't want to argue as I know how bad my mil can be. I've seen and heard the horrible evil things she has said and done towards her son if she's angered or what she takes as her being wronged even when she's just being paranoid. She does make our relationship hard..we are hoping to move far away from her within the next two years. There is just too much too say about her behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs. I try to be friendly with her but I end up with my feelings hurt because she says really rude things and comes up with such odd assumptions. I love it when my mil is under involved..it happens occasionally.
I'm reminded of how my m-i-l verbally abuses her own son. "Loser! "Bum!" "Lazy!" "Horrible!' etc. We are separated and he called me last weekend to ask if he could stay the night because he overheard her talking negatively about him to her brother. I felt so sorry for him and, believe it or not, I still care for him (he's done some really shitty things to me). He has done so much for her.
Thank you for this video Dr. Grande🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 it validates those of us who are suffering. I cannot tell you how much this resonates💕
My only advice is , before marrying or committing to your partner . If you know his mother is narcissistic, no matter how you feel about him , don’t get into that relationship if you know Your Partner will not put his mother in her place . A relationship won’t work if he doesn’t simply get up and move away and cut ties with her . Depends on how much he loves you.
This video was interesting in that you discussed the most common types of narcisstic behaviours that a mother-in-law may engage in towards her daughter-in-law covering both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. My mother-in-law would almost certainly have Vulnerable Narcissism only and doesn't quite engage in fully in these behaviours except underinvolvement.
She did however engage in a lot of manipulation to create discord and disharmony in our relationship. The first time we met she was screaming at her son to make her cups of tea and taking him outside for 15 minute chats every 10 minutes until I left. She used to greet me by scowling and not talk to me at all and then complain about my not going around there to her son once I stopped visiting. She used to ring him and demand he come home every time we were out together because she needed urgent help with her PC. I found out later my partner had not been allowed friends, to obtain paid work or to go out with others to places like restuarants as she would be extremely jealous and attack him for it. The first time she was nice to me was when I fell pregnant but then she started complaining she was not being included in my pregnancy. She hasn't worked in 20 years and lived off the money she would make her children give her. If they didn't do something to her expectations she would berate and abuse them verbally. When I was due to give birth she asked her son for money but didn't ask anything about me or the pregnancy. And she used to always ask her son why he's with me/she hates me and accuse him of betraying/not loving her because he was siding with myself in an imaginary power struggle that she created. It's so toxic that she's currently cut off. It was toxic for my mental health, and I worry about the effect her behaviours may have on our children if she had any real future involvement which my partner cannot rule out. After all, she is his mother.
I think vulnerable narcisstic behaviours can be toxic and insidious and not always be as obvious in the way grandiose narcissistic behaviours are. I also think some of the mental health harm comes from not being in full control of whether or not this person is in your life.
This is obviously a anecdotal story, not a researched opinion. But I love that you're raising awareness of the behaviours that can arise and the harm that can occur when the in-law relationship isn't healthy.
Diana Raston I hope you have some support on your court especially YOUR spouse. First sign of dysfunction is competition.. it’s really foul and I pity your husband only so far as he sticks up for you
My mil would fake heart attacks & cry if her golden adult child so much as wanted to go to the cinema with his friends. Sick.
My own mother in law is definitely the under involvement type. She rarely even calls my husband, and only talks for a second when he calls her. For our wedding, it was agreed that she would plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner. That didn’t work out and long story short, we had nugget trays from chick fil a, curtesy of my husband. When we moved out of my mother’s home, she didn’t offer any help, and didn’t come to visit for over 4 months. I wish I had that relationship with her. She’s just so cold and no matter how much time I spend around her, she never opens up to me or even acknowledges my existence when at family gatherings. It really stresses me out and my husband doesn’t understand why. 🙄
Yes Dr. Grande!! She would always behave as though my children and I did not belong (I never thought she would do that to my children - her own grandchildren, but she did). After the birth and devastating passing of my first son, she sent a letter out to EVERYONE w/o my prior knowledge, saying I had a “miscarriage”. TO THIS DAY I am called “overly sensitive” for being very hurt and upset about that. I tried so hard and came into it with high hopes. I learned very quickly that a healthy relationship with her would just not be possible. The thing that ended up “working” for me was to literally just ignore all her backhanded comments and attempts to gain a reaction from me. She would “turn up the heat” so to speak, trying harder to get that reaction, but I just had to continue to ignore everything and just go along with whatever she wanted to do with her son and *their* family.
I experienced something very similiar. Very sorry for your loss and insensitive treatment.
@@Benjaminleo815 thank you. and to clarify, my son was born alive (prematurely) but died soon after birth due to congenital heart defects, so that was why i was outraged by her calling him a “miscarriage” and never even using his name, ever. I’m so sorry you have had to endure a similar experience. All I can say is, keep hanging in there and just keep fighting to regain your strength until you can finally walk away.
♥️sending you peace & strength!!
In my experience, the whole in law family dinamic was sustained and maintained by me. Because i am an empath and i love to care for people, since i entered the family, i was dealing with the monster at weekly family gatherings while the rest of the family could hang out in peace, drink, laugh...while I was basically being drained and slaughtered emotionally. After 4 years of torture I cut all ties to her, completely blocked her from everything and knew the consequences would be horrible for a while, some months.... Because obviously she would say how horrible of a person i am for ignoring her, and my partner would have to visit her with our son on his own. BUT i knew without a doubt that Me being out of the picture, would mean she would then try to feed of my partner, who was comfortably in denial (as I had been taking all the bullets for the team for 4 years) and my partner would soon be confronted with the evident truth of the narcissism of his mother. Said and done, that's exactly what happened. She dag her own trench, I just gave her 4 years of undeserved heaven because I had no experience with female narcissism. It only took like 3 times of my partner going to visit them and coming back home feeling terribly ill inside, to come to see that something was off about his mother. Also, on my sons birthday, she wanted to see him , my partner brought him to see his grandparents, and she had "gone for a walk" to avoid seeing my toddler because "she was so hurt". ALWAYS bad vibes. ALWAYS making everybody pay her back for pretty much just existing.
My MIL and SIL are Narsistic and i found out my husband has OCPD.I was living with them for 5 years in the same house and my personality is totally shattered,i lost my confidence.They made me believe i’m good for nothing.Thankfully i moved to my own house with my husband and things are getting better.I feel bad for my FIL,who is living with these two toxic ladies and suffering from depression.My Sil’s hubby left her cuz of her controlling attitude towards him.
My mother in law exibited all of these traits combined. She literally hated me. I never stood a chance. She made my life a living hell and drove me to the brink of a nervous breakdown. She severely compromised my marriage and tried at every turn to steal away my son and daughter and separate Me from them, or turn them against me. She was sinister to me and played up her affection and approval of me in public ,so that no one would ever know the real truth. She was pure evil to me. It has scarred my marriage and my relationships with my children. It has taken me years to overcome the damage caused by her upon my soul and heart and mind. I will never be the same. She was a demon who played two faces. No one knew her for what she was, but me. She followed us to our church and drove me out. She followed my son to his school and interfered with his schooling. The school principal contacted me explaining that she was spoon feeding my son in the cafeteria and keeping him in the clinic all day out of class. She later passed away. I hate to sound cruel, but it was my only chance to recover from the destruction she made of my life. She ripped my very soul and sanity. If God hadn’t of intervened, I don’t think I would of kept it together. I would of lost my mind or died my self. No one should have to endure that kind of harassment and torment. I never did anything unkind to that woman ever ,to deserve how she treated me. It was a living nightmare straight up out of Hell. I had no support through it all ,other than Gods grace sustaining me. It’s abuse . I feel for anyone who has this situation to deal with. May God be with you.
I hear you, sister. I've been through the utter hell myself & feel my soul has been scarred. My mental health & physical health have suffered dreadfully & i hope this is recognised as abuse by the law sometime soon because it is abuse of the most insidious & evil kind. I honestly believe i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for God. I was brought up in a narcissistic family & was the scapegoat, my brother was the golden child. I married out of one dysfunctional family into another - i never knew about narcissism, the golden child or the scapegoat back then, & no one but no one was on my side. I had nowhere to run & no one to turn to, & my husband couldn't see his mother for what she was for many yrs, even though he was the scape goat & his brother the golden child, just like my situation with my own family. My mil was all sweetness & light to start with & i honestly feel i'd got a second chance with a new & loving family. How wrong i was. She gradually slithered out of her hole & showed herself. She set the whole of her family against me because she knew i could see through her nastiness & mind games & i was NOT going to be controlled. Only problem was, if i wasnt nice to her when we visited, my husband wouldnt be nice to me - he would sulk for days. Her disgusting manipulative behaviour towards me, our marriage,& both her sons was evil (she convinced her other son he was too ill to get married - would even make up illnesses for him & delighted in taking him to the doc/hosp, told people she had to protect him from women as he cant 'perdorm', never allowed him a life outside of her, wouldn't let him have friends or go out with friends, definitely no girlfriends, wouldn't let him work outside the town, bathed him & slept with him to keep him company like a baby & convinced him she was the only woman he needed as no other woman would understand him - just look at his brother's wife - me - for proof. She played her ace card when she got him to get a mortgage on the rented house they were living in as he then couldn't afford to buy a place of his own). I could write a book. So i hear you, & yes it feels like being attacked by the enemy. Read Eph6 & put on the full armour of God every morning. We cant fight evil with evil, neither can we outwit it or stand alone against it. We are told to pray for our enemies which i must admit i find so very hard as i hate this woman for what she's done, but if we hate we go down to their level. It's easy to say hate the sin but love the sinner, but so very hard to do. Despite how we feel, however, we have to be obedient & try to do it - try ro pray for them & ask a blessing on them (my mil has been dead for 2yrs & i still feel anger, safness & depression feom time to time, especially as i'm so physically ill, too, but... it is my hope & belief that we will then eventually be freed from the anguish we cope with daily. May God bless you, your life & your situation. May He bless us both with His healing.
Would you say that feigning or exaggerating fragility is an expression of narcissism that may be employed by MILs?
Maria K yessss!!!
Omgoodness! Wow! You just described my MIL. Ty for your comment.
Definitely, it's manipulation to get attention and control.
My MIL was extremely jealous of me the first and second time I met her. MEM was the downfall of our marriage.
ali bre You must stand up for yourself. When they see they can bait you, they rush in for the kill! That's just the way they function!
@@nancyayers6355 I always did. My husband did not though.
@@alibre4484 Sounds like what I am going through now. I took her crap for fifteen years and only last Summer, when she called me and whispered "crazy" via landline, did i lose it! I let her have it! and her behavior has gotten worse. The things she says are beyond me... it blows my mind! My husband rarely stood by me. So... after twenty years of marriage, I called it. Sad, stressful and it really screws with your head!
How long did the marriage last?
Thanks for the video Dr. Grande.
Happy Monday 😃
Holy cow.... I've wanted to hear what you have to say on this topic for awhile, and finally found it. But at 2 minutes in I've read some comments, heard your introduction, and will have to leave this alone for now or it's gonna bring back way too much trauma.
It's almost like she caused me more hurt than her son did - but then, since she raised him and was always pressing his buttons, maybe she did?
On the bright side, your excellent straightforward presentation on the subject has been extremely beneficial in helping me identify (after the fact) and communicate the behaviours that seemed to be all in my head for so long. Thank you, Dr. Grande! ♥️🍍
Thank you for making a video about this, it seems like it is very hard to find even though it is very common. My mother-in-law is a narcissistic, gaslighting, abusive, controlling, toxic, mean woman. It has taken my husband 5 years to finally cut her out of her his life just a few days ago. But I still feel help to feel anger and frustration from past events from her, thank you for making us feel a little less crazy for her behaviour.
Perfect description of the last 4 years of my life dealing with my SIL. She was put in the position of being a motherly figure for my partner at a young age and sure fits every description of "MIL from hell." I didn't know it was possible for someone to be over-involved and under-involved at the same time! Constantly trying to take that motherly role with my child while dismissing my boundaries and making a joke of me to the family. My heart goes out to people who have it even worse - it's sick!
Yes, my mil was the same - over involved with my husband & our daughter, but didn't want anything to do with me - she would behave like i wasn't even in the room when i was there. I was so confused & tried even harder to please her & show her what a good wife i could be to her son, but that didn't work of course as she just got even more jealous of me & my achievements. She's been dead 2yrs - felt like she was still trying to control us from her grave when her other now narcissistic adult golden child son contacted us through a solicitor about what was in her will. I still get periodically angry & sad about all the devastation she caused over the yrs. I'll be married 40yrs nxt yr. I was also a scapegoat in my own family so had absolutely nowhere to run & no-one to turn to. I've only been learning about what this is in the last couple of yrs - i knew it was wrong but couldn't name it. I very much hope that one day it will be recognised as abuse in law. My health - both mental & physical - has suffered dreadfully. I now have cptsd, m e., fibromyalgia, & a host of other things, but worst are the bouts of debilitating depression. I'm thinking of going back into therapy but wouldn't know where to start.
Great video idea. Would love to hear about narcissism in father in laws too if it’s significantly different in anyway, as this relates to me.
This honestly describes my narcissistic mother-in-law to a t. I'm glad we have dealt with her. My husband sees her for who she is and what she is. He stands behind me fully and he is helping me heal from her abuse
Or mother-in-law having long deep involved conversation with her son and excluding or dismissing daughter in law’s interaction. Also long phone conversations but never asking about or to speak to daughter in law.
Holding her son in high esteem like a prince and ignoring daughter in law. Never giving any positive feedback or praise.
Jealous of the daughter-in-law’s relationship with her son and also confiding in him instead of her own husband.
Trying to talk a teenage grandchild into living with her and therefore
undermining the relationship between the daughter in law and her children.
Never asking for input from the daughter in law or including her in any decision.
Denying her son could be a problem when daughter in law calls to tell her about his abuse.
Treating divorced daughter in law in public as though nothing has happened and demonstrating affection which was never there in private.
Never visiting the grandchildren during the marriage or after the divorce or offering any financial help or gifts for the grandchildren outside of Christmas and birthdays etc. even though daughter in law left penniless and in laws have plenty.
Believing all the lies her son tells about his wife and the marriage and reasons daughter in law divorced her son, who of course she sees as perfect.