Thanks for sharing Jessie. Really sorry that happened to you. I developed a deep insecurity from being laughed at as a kid in a vulnerable situation that was unresolved for years. After really self-examining the past couple of years, it was easier to see how that affected many of my actions and thought-patterns as a young adult. It's still something I think I deal with at times now, but it has improved greatly since I really reflected on it. Thanks again for sharing and being you ❤
I lived in England making very close friends as a ex pat and this video solidified some fulfillable karma (and emptied some karmic trash) I have carried now many years. Thanks
hi jess! i loved this message so much. i recently started a channel too and ive been wanting to become more comfortable talking about experiences and my healing journey. hearing you gave me some piece of mind that it is important to share and help. i’m sorry that happened to you as well :( sending you love and light ❤ subscribed, liked and can’t wait to watch other videos!
💚 I had an experience about five years ago, when I was 20. Someone from work invited me to what I'll just call a group meditation because I'm still not exactly sure what it is that they do there. They had cameras filming us all for some reason, and we sat on couches in a semi circle facing a single chair. At first, when I arrived, everything seemed to be okay. I've never really been one to chase any crowds, and I'm comfortable in my own company, but I don't think I made any notable impression to begin with. They sat us down on the couches, it fell silent, and then, a man enters the room from the front door beside the seating to the right of the room. Not saying a word yet, he sat down, and then everybody in unison put their hands like this 🙏🏻, and stared into the eyes of the man as he looked around the room, from person to person maintaining eye contact for a moment. I just copied what everyone else was doing at this point, even though I didn't know why they were doing it. Passing a microphone around, people would speak up and share something, and the man would listen and respond with something. They'd talk back and forth for as long as they need to, and it would move along. Eventually, it got to me, and I spoke up. I shared at the time how isolated I had become in my life and how lonely I felt. I cried. Alot. In front of a group of people I'd never met before. Within the same week, for another three nights in a row, I returned and continued to share. Every night, I cried. Again and again. I got the impression that I was becoming a burden, because I was feeling so much negative emotion, and because this was their first impression of me, I was totally identified with the pain I was feeling. Perhaps because I don't think growing up, my true self was seen, nurtured or accepted all that often. I grew up without a stable father figure. My mum dated alot, so men were coming and going throughout my entire childhood, and she was the one that would always end things with them. She told me that she was looking for a father figure for me, but sometimes I wonder if maybe she was looking for the love she never recieved in her own childhood, and that's why she had me. When my biological dad walked away before I was born, she was left to take care of a child as a single parent, which was alot of responsibility, and perhaps she felt like I was a burden, and that I let her down because I couldnt give her the unconditional love she was looking for. I needed it too, and as a child, it was never my responsibility to fulfill the emotional requirements of the adults around me who were supposed to be caring for me. She recounted to me many times growing up, how when she was in the hospital, and had given birth to me, one of the delivery nurses told her that she had two options. She could keep me, or she could give me away. When she was angry, sometimes she would tell me that she wished she never kept me. What made me feel insecure was that I was a man, who was showing so much emotion, and the experience led me to a belief that I am less of a man, because that's what I believed about myself at the time. I wasn't sure of myself, and was looking for my self, but all I was met with, was pain. The final time I was there, it was during the day, and there was no sitting in a circle, it was more just casual and social. They'd prepared lunch, and we all sat outside at a table on the patio to eat. I had been quiet that day. I was anxious, and feeling a little paranoid. I'm choosing to save the details, but I ended up walking away suddenly, without any explanation, as I got into my car and sped off. It confused them I think. I drove on the road heading back towards my home, but felt the urge to turn around and go back, so I did. I pulled up in the driveway, and some of them were still standing there. I didn't park, or get out, they just watched me pull back out again, because I didnt know what I could say or do to explain myself or the situation. I wasn't sure myself either. I felt unsafe. The man came to my window before I left, we spoke, I told him that I was feeling like I was being watched, and he said that I probably shouldn't come back again. I said okay, and drove away. Perhaps why I couldn't let the whole experience go for a long time after that was because I felt like I had opened up to people, and like a dam that has been closed for many years and is then opened, all there was at the beginning was sludge. Maybe I was angry that they never got a chance to meet the real me, and neither did I. Maybe I felt rejected, because they were apparently this awakened group of people, and yet they couldn't handle my pain body. If these people won't accept me, then who else will? Maybe I'm just too broken, I thought. The problem was that I worked with several of these people, so it followed me around for many months, because I was unwilling to quit my job and find work elsewhere. This made me feel like I was trapped, like I had been been stuck in a situation that the universe may have been telling me, No, you dont get to keep running. You're gonna stay here this time and face this. Every day, I showed up to work. The first time I returned back to work and saw the people that were at the group, they kept their distance from me, and even changed teams so that we wouldnt be working together anymore. I think they felt unsafe around me, perhaps feeling that I was too unstable, and that really hurt my self perception too. I felt insecurity, fear, alot of self doubt, and also alot of anger. I wondered if there was something very wrong with me, and if maybe I was broken. I think I was angry that I felt so small and inferior for feeling so much while having so many eyes on me, yet still I didn't feel seen. I felt weak, and I didn't want to reach out anymore because I lost hope, so I withdrew further into myself and became very detached and pushed everyone away. When I had the thought that these people were more enlightened than me, it angered me, because it made me by contrast a bumbling idiot, worrying about what other people thought about me, or how I was being percieved, which was my whole identity I guess, at the time. It stirred up alot of invalidation, not being seen, and the plethora of criticism that I felt and experienced as a child. Now all of a sudden, I'm opening up and allowing my emotions to be seen, but at the time, I didn't have the confidence to face my ugly while being able to accept myself still. I am still on the healing path, but I am so grateful for how far I have come already. Thank you, if you're reading this, for listening to my story, and I hope that you can find solace, or whatever it is that feel you're looking for right now. It's yours already💚
Thank you for sharing 🙏 Any advice or practices you can recommend to help start the process of resolving inner teen events? 💜 All the best to you Jessie 💫
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Thanks for sharing Jessie. Really sorry that happened to you. I developed a deep insecurity from being laughed at as a kid in a vulnerable situation that was unresolved for years.
After really self-examining the past couple of years, it was easier to see how that affected many of my actions and thought-patterns as a young adult.
It's still something I think I deal with at times now, but it has improved greatly since I really reflected on it.
Thanks again for sharing and being you ❤
Jessie is back :D
I lived in England making very close friends as a ex pat and this video solidified some fulfillable karma (and emptied some karmic trash) I have carried now many years. Thanks
hi jess! i loved this message so much. i recently started a channel too and ive been wanting to become more comfortable talking about experiences and my healing journey. hearing you gave me some piece of mind that it is important to share and help. i’m sorry that happened to you as well :( sending you love and light ❤ subscribed, liked and can’t wait to watch other videos!
Jessie :D
💚 I had an experience about five years ago, when I was 20.
Someone from work invited me to what I'll just call a group meditation because I'm still not exactly sure what it is that they do there.
They had cameras filming us all for some reason, and we sat on couches in a semi circle facing a single chair.
At first, when I arrived, everything seemed to be okay. I've never really been one to chase any crowds, and I'm comfortable in my own company, but I don't think I made any notable impression to begin with.
They sat us down on the couches, it fell silent, and then, a man enters the room from the front door beside the seating to the right of the room.
Not saying a word yet, he sat down, and then everybody in unison put their hands like this 🙏🏻, and stared into the eyes of the man as he looked around the room, from person to person maintaining eye contact for a moment.
I just copied what everyone else was doing at this point, even though I didn't know why they were doing it.
Passing a microphone around, people would speak up and share something, and the man would listen and respond with something. They'd talk back and forth for as long as they need to, and it would move along. Eventually, it got to me, and I spoke up. I shared at the time how isolated I had become in my life and how lonely I felt. I cried. Alot. In front of a group of people I'd never met before.
Within the same week, for another three nights in a row, I returned and continued to share. Every night, I cried. Again and again. I got the impression that I was becoming a burden, because I was feeling so much negative emotion, and because this was their first impression of me, I was totally identified with the pain I was feeling. Perhaps because I don't think growing up, my true self was seen, nurtured or accepted all that often.
I grew up without a stable father figure. My mum dated alot, so men were coming and going throughout my entire childhood, and she was the one that would always end things with them. She told me that she was looking for a father figure for me, but sometimes I wonder if maybe she was looking for the love she never recieved in her own childhood, and that's why she had me. When my biological dad walked away before I was born, she was left to take care of a child as a single parent, which was alot of responsibility, and perhaps she felt like I was a burden, and that I let her down because I couldnt give her the unconditional love she was looking for. I needed it too, and as a child, it was never my responsibility to fulfill the emotional requirements of the adults around me who were supposed to be caring for me. She recounted to me many times growing up, how when she was in the hospital, and had given birth to me, one of the delivery nurses told her that she had two options. She could keep me, or she could give me away. When she was angry, sometimes she would tell me that she wished she never kept me.
What made me feel insecure was that I was a man, who was showing so much emotion, and the experience led me to a belief that I am less of a man, because that's what I believed about myself at the time. I wasn't sure of myself, and was looking for my self, but all I was met with, was pain.
The final time I was there, it was during the day, and there was no sitting in a circle, it was more just casual and social. They'd prepared lunch, and we all sat outside at a table on the patio to eat.
I had been quiet that day. I was anxious, and feeling a little paranoid.
I'm choosing to save the details, but I ended up walking away suddenly, without any explanation, as I got into my car and sped off. It confused them I think.
I drove on the road heading back towards my home, but felt the urge to turn around and go back, so I did. I pulled up in the driveway, and some of them were still standing there. I didn't park, or get out, they just watched me pull back out again, because I didnt know what I could say or do to explain myself or the situation. I wasn't sure myself either. I felt unsafe. The man came to my window before I left, we spoke, I told him that I was feeling like I was being watched, and he said that I probably shouldn't come back again. I said okay, and drove away.
Perhaps why I couldn't let the whole experience go for a long time after that was because I felt like I had opened up to people, and like a dam that has been closed for many years and is then opened, all there was at the beginning was sludge. Maybe I was angry that they never got a chance to meet the real me, and neither did I. Maybe I felt rejected, because they were apparently this awakened group of people, and yet they couldn't handle my pain body. If these people won't accept me, then who else will?
Maybe I'm just too broken, I thought.
The problem was that I worked with several of these people, so it followed me around for many months, because I was unwilling to quit my job and find work elsewhere.
This made me feel like I was trapped, like I had been been stuck in a situation that the universe may have been telling me, No, you dont get to keep running. You're gonna stay here this time and face this. Every day, I showed up to work. The first time I returned back to work and saw the people that were at the group, they kept their distance from me, and even changed teams so that we wouldnt be working together anymore. I think they felt unsafe around me, perhaps feeling that I was too unstable, and that really hurt my self perception too.
I felt insecurity, fear, alot of self doubt, and also alot of anger. I wondered if there was something very wrong with me, and if maybe I was broken.
I think I was angry that I felt so small and inferior for feeling so much while having so many eyes on me, yet still I didn't feel seen. I felt weak, and I didn't want to reach out anymore because I lost hope, so I withdrew further into myself and became very detached and pushed everyone away.
When I had the thought that these people were more enlightened than me, it angered me, because it made me by contrast a bumbling idiot, worrying about what other people thought about me, or how I was being percieved, which was my whole identity I guess, at the time.
It stirred up alot of invalidation, not being seen, and the plethora of criticism that I felt and experienced as a child.
Now all of a sudden, I'm opening up and allowing my emotions to be seen, but at the time, I didn't have the confidence to face my ugly while being able to accept myself still.
I am still on the healing path, but I am so grateful for how far I have come already.
Thank you, if you're reading this, for listening to my story, and I hope that you can find solace, or whatever it is that feel you're looking for right now. It's yours already💚
Thank you for sharing 🙏 Any advice or practices you can recommend to help start the process of resolving inner teen events? 💜 All the best to you Jessie 💫