OMG- for real! I'm so tired of being in a relationship with someone who thinks they are the end all and be all to all things in life. I'd rather be by myself. Time to start putting my money where my mouth is.
Communication is big for me. Deal breakers are speaking for me, volunteering me for stuff without discussing it with me first and speaking on my behalf. Been there and done that. I have my own voice, thank you. Just dropped a narcissist friend who did all of the above, as well as showing up consistently 3+ hours late, saying they'd call and then don't, cancelling plans we've had forever, just because something else they'd prefer to do came up. She cancelled taking me to an important test that I asked her weeks prior and she said she was fine with it only to cancel the day of to have drinks with a guy she just met. I had to cancel my important test because I didn't have a ride. Repeat that behavior and more for 4+ yrs and I booted her out of my life. Sad part was, she'd snap her fingers and I'd be there for her always.
@@terri_cole I just wanted to say I really appreciate that you take the time out of your busy schedule to reply to me and acknowledge me. I feel seen and heard. Thank you so much for all you do. I just recently discovered you and your work and it is Godsend. You have a lovely soul. ♥️
Oh I did the saying just recently with a girlfriend of 40 years... It was always a one-sided relationship with me listening to her constant drama for 5 hours at a time... But when it came time for me I didn't even get 10 minutes and should be looking around fussing over the fussing over that not paying attention... Yep took me a lot longer than it did you... LOL!
I had someone ask me on the third date what my boundaries are....... I felt this to be a red flag. Does anyone else? I was in a long marriage with a covert narcissist. Looking back, he sized me up very early on. Love your content. Thank you so much.
Terri - I enjoy your videos. You are empathetic but also assertive. Could you please do a video on how to handle social (or dating situations) where people talk only about themselves and do not reciprocate? I am a good listener and I find people will constantly talk to me about their problems because I give sound advice. But when it's my turn to speak, it's evident the individual is either not listening, doesn't care, and/or attempts to turn the conversation back to himself (or herself). This happened to me a lot when I lived in NYC...I find many people are not good listeners and are focused only on themselves. It's very energy draining to have a lot of one sided "me, me me" conversations. I don't socialize much because of it. My close friends are not like this but I find a lot of acquaintances are. Any input you have would be appreciated. Take care.
Hi Christina, it sounds like a boundary. You can make a simple request that they listen to you with the same level of respect that you are giving them. I have lots of videos on this channel with dating tips. If someone cannot listen to you and give you equal respect, they are showing you who you are. And as Maya Angelou said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."
I've been watching your videos for several months now and I cannot tell you how useful they have been for me. My mother is an alcoholic and possibly a narcissist and I am learning so much about healthy relationships, boundaries and what is normal from you videos. Thank you.
I have ended a disfunctional relationship it was hard and he made it my falt and It was all my falt, so I said yep and that if he contacted me again I would have a restraining order againt him for stalking he has not contacted me but married 2 weeks later
I’m trying to get more clear with my deal breakers. Texting a recent ex def is one for me now, belittling me when I try and set a boundary or rule. I am getting secure to share and hear you loud and clear that the people who want to receive my sharing will appreciate it.
@Terri Cole you remind me of an actress, probably Kristin A. Scott Thomas Please take it as a compliment 😎 Thank you for your clarity and words of truth 🎯☄
You are an Angel! Every video clears the way out of a very toxic relationship ! I feel very bless of having your guidance! You are a very centered wise women! Today I was asking this question to my self because I am afraid of falling again into the narc trap! and as you said it is terrifying! Thank you so much, you are helping me a lot!
This is one of the best practical advice videos which I saved to watch many times over. Great job!!! I am working on making these issues in my history - never forgotten but want to make my new future with healthy boundries....
Lovely, wise information. My only additions would be that in my experience narcissists are capable of adjusting themselves to relayed preferences etc.... and encourage such expressions from their targets only to wield the information as a weapon later. Sometimes survivors attempt to negotiate what is actually non-negotiable and that rightfully may warrant a response of walking away.
Hahahaha 13:26 so your relationship "doesn't end up in some shit storm of bad stuff" - LOVE IT! She's great. A lot of thought provoking things. Eye-opening to one of my recent relationships. I was noticing some red flags at 2 months and was thankful to walk away at 2 months instead of 8 months or a year so I and him can heal. Who knows what the future holds, but these are some really helpful techniques I think that I will try to start applying to my life and recognizing. Like using simple requests early on in a relationship to show I have preferences and see how they will adapt or react in relationship!
So incredibly true ...to be honest with yourself regarding your boundaries and feel comfortable early on to have these conversations about non-negotiables and understand the differences between compliance with compatibility. Incredible insight! Let us know if you are doing a workshop in the metro area to attend. Thanks....
Thank you for sharing your reflections!! I will be at Kripalu in September and you can get more info here kripalu.org/presenters-programs/boundary-boot-camp-women-transform-your-life-and-relationships
Thank you. I've finally come to terms with the realisation of my one non-negotiable deal breaker in my lop-sided relationship with my daughter is that I will no longer tolerate the emotional abuse of months of 'silent treatment' which she defines as a demand for her own space. She can have as much time and space as she wants without me. I'm done!
Dear Ginko-whatever! Ah! Always the trolls have some poison to add to someone already hurting! Since you know neither of us, from your unwanted comment (was I talking to you?No. So butt out) I have to assume you are with my narcissistic daughter (birds of a feather etc) in thinking the emotional abuse of 'silent treatment' is ok. Your comment says more about you than me! Thank you for your (uninvited) opinion but take a good look in the mirror of your own intolerant remarks and outlook! Guess you'we just not the supportive nurturing kind. Go work on yourself before trying to fix others.
You obviously have an excellent grasp on human behaviors. Your videos resonate so clearly. I have can identify with narcissistic relationships. I have been in mine for 30 years. Gaslighting is common. This is the first time I feel I can learn from someone on how to deal with this!!! Thank you so much, you are absolutely amazing!! 😉
Hi Terri, Im new today. This really helped to clear the difference between compliance and compatible. It also cleared that when things change its ok to speak up and say it, "I know it used to be this way but now I dont want it to be or I dont like it anymore." Specifically in my case was the smoking of cigarettes and cigars and I saw a gradual increase in alcohol. I did not want to be exposed to second hand smoke back then. Now adays its much more the law😊 I also was not raised around alcohol.
I just started dating again and I am very up front about getting to know someone before a relationship forms ie sex meeting family kids ect and each date I have gone on have tried to encourage sex and I have said no not ready for that and they said lets be friends ladada this is frustrating
@Jennifer. From a male who won't do or give even in my 50's when it comes to sex.... Sort of like slow down and smell the roses... Those who can't handle that isn't right for me. Nothing wrong with your convictions.
@@terri_cole you helped me understand child alienation . A while back. I was\am the one with three daughters I worry. I can see the conditioning and control. I went through the devaluation discard, sudden divorce after 28 years. totally bewildered I sought help I knew this was beyond me to understand You showed me You helped me I listen carefully to you And many others I am a CT Yankee that traveled to see the world after university in new England. Little did I know about covert toxicity resulting from child trauma. I saw and felt something was not right. What I did not see was the infidelity then discard although the abuse was prevalent. I had no one to show me a mirror. I went looking. Thank you Terri Cole for your being.
Silent sufferer....that’s me.🖐🏻I am trying to date and not be codependent like I have been all my life but boy it’s not easy for me when I realize I need to assert my needs....it feels like I’m showing him too many of my cards and I like to keep my cards close to my chest to avoid being hurt but I’m realizing that’s the wrong way to go about it!
I hear you. You're not alone. But your boundaries are for YOU and to support your needs. Communicating a boundary to someone lets them know you better and how they can love you. We do a disservice when we do not communicate our boundaries.
Why is it so hard to stick to my dealbreakers... narcissistic ppl are so good at the lies .. but now i will never kno the truth ... lying is a dealbreaker 💔💔💔
This totally sounds like passive aggressive behavior my White Aunt does. Instructing women to "make a simple request" could work. But.."I'd rather have it done sooner than later" STILL has high potential for becoming a passive aggressive order since a timeline has been specified. It's passively toned DEMAND. Most folks either comply or they won't be receptive. If they're not responsive & don't do the chore at the time requested...then the requester gets to mope around as though they're the victim (She usually does the chore herself & then says it's "ok". But keeps a score card.). So this in fact is a "passively toned DEMAND". Not a simple request.
also a deal breaker for me is putting my heart into atrial fibrillation or standing shouting at me in the street as if I am a child telling me to"runaway home there getaway home there" and I'm a middle-aged woman from someone I'm not interested in. Who does that?
![🎤 ไปกันต่อออ! จับฉลากร้องเพลง x P’ #XXSIVK [EP.2] (1/2) เพลงของใครจึ้งสุดน้าา 💓🎤 #MXFRUIT](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/mLI_K0sAS4o/mqdefault.jpg)
OMG- for real! I'm so tired of being in a relationship with someone who thinks they are the end all and be all to all things in life. I'd rather be by myself. Time to start putting my money where my mouth is.
How they respond to your boundaries is very telling. GOLD
1) Your hair looks great!
2) Your content and delivery is always worth listening to for personal growth and relationships awareness.
Thanks!💐😇🙏💖👏🏻✨⭐️
I'm glad to hear you're enjoying the content!!
Communication is big for me. Deal breakers are speaking for me, volunteering me for stuff without discussing it with me first and speaking on my behalf. Been there and done that. I have my own voice, thank you. Just dropped a narcissist friend who did all of the above, as well as showing up consistently 3+ hours late, saying they'd call and then don't, cancelling plans we've had forever, just because something else they'd prefer to do came up. She cancelled taking me to an important test that I asked her weeks prior and she said she was fine with it only to cancel the day of to have drinks with a guy she just met. I had to cancel my important test because I didn't have a ride. Repeat that behavior and more for 4+ yrs and I booted her out of my life. Sad part was, she'd snap her fingers and I'd be there for her always.
I'm glad to hear you're using your voice and standing up for yourself!
@@terri_cole I just wanted to say I really appreciate that you take the time out of your busy schedule to reply to me and acknowledge me. I feel seen and heard. Thank you so much for all you do. I just recently discovered you and your work and it is Godsend. You have a lovely soul. ♥️
Oh I did the saying just recently with a girlfriend of 40 years... It was always a one-sided relationship with me listening to her constant drama for 5 hours at a time... But when it came time for me I didn't even get 10 minutes and should be looking around fussing over the fussing over that not paying attention... Yep took me a lot longer than it did you... LOL!
Them dominating the relationship is an interesting tell. Tell a narc "no" about anything is a quick test.
I had someone ask me on the third date what my boundaries are....... I felt this to be a red flag. Does anyone else? I was in a long marriage with a covert narcissist. Looking back, he sized me up very early on. Love your content. Thank you so much.
Absolutely. He was summing you up.
Run as fast as you can
not really some people are just trying to get to know you but pay attention to body language and how they ask and how they react after ..
Terri - I enjoy your videos. You are empathetic but also assertive. Could you please do a video on how to handle social (or dating situations) where people talk only about themselves and do not reciprocate? I am a good listener and I find people will constantly talk to me about their problems because I give sound advice. But when it's my turn to speak, it's evident the individual is either not listening, doesn't care, and/or attempts to turn the conversation back to himself (or herself). This happened to me a lot when I lived in NYC...I find many people are not good listeners and are focused only on themselves. It's very energy draining to have a lot of one sided "me, me me" conversations. I don't socialize much because of it. My close friends are not like this but I find a lot of acquaintances are. Any input you have would be appreciated. Take care.
Hi Christina, it sounds like a boundary. You can make a simple request that they listen to you with the same level of respect that you are giving them. I have lots of videos on this channel with dating tips. If someone cannot listen to you and give you equal respect, they are showing you who you are. And as Maya Angelou said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."
@@terri_cole That's a really simple yet profound idea. Thank you.
I've been watching your videos for several months now and I cannot tell you how useful they have been for me. My mother is an alcoholic and possibly a narcissist and I am learning so much about healthy relationships, boundaries and what is normal from you videos. Thank you.
😭😭😭😭 thank you TH-cam mama 😭 I so needed to hear this today 💘💘💘
Just what I needed to hear. Now I know I've made the right decision ending that dysfunctional relationship. Thanks you for sharing!
I have ended a disfunctional relationship it was hard and he made it my falt and It was all my falt, so I said yep and that if he contacted me again I would have a restraining order againt him for stalking he has not contacted me but married 2 weeks later
I'm cheering you on!!!!!
I’m trying to get more clear with my deal breakers. Texting a recent ex def is one for me now, belittling me when I try and set a boundary or rule.
I am getting secure to share and hear you loud and clear that the people who want to receive my sharing will appreciate it.
@Terri Cole
you remind me of an actress, probably Kristin A. Scott Thomas
Please take it as a compliment 😎
Thank you for your clarity and words of truth 🎯☄
Monkeyo O a younger version for sure
Lauren Bacall
I thought so too...but I was thinking of Kathleen Turner when she was younger. I don't know Kerry A. Scott Thomas so I can't comment on that part.
You are an Angel! Every video clears the way out of a very toxic relationship ! I feel very bless of having your guidance! You are a very centered wise women! Today I was asking this question to my self because I am afraid of falling again into the narc trap! and as you said it is terrifying! Thank you so much, you are helping me a lot!
I am so happy to read this, thank you for sharing!!!!
This is one of the best practical advice videos which I saved to watch many times over. Great job!!! I am working on making these issues in my history - never forgotten but want to make my new future with healthy boundries....
Lovely, wise information.
My only additions would be that in my experience narcissists are capable of adjusting themselves to relayed preferences etc.... and encourage such expressions from their targets only to wield the information as a weapon later. Sometimes survivors attempt to negotiate what is actually non-negotiable and that rightfully may warrant a response of walking away.
Thank you for sharing your experience!
Ans your right about being told how to be and act all your life it fallows you into adult hood
I love you so much I learned so much from you the little amount of time I was watching you. The work your doing is incredible! ❤️
I struggle so much with this. THANK YOU FOR GIVING PRACTICAL INSTRUCTION!!!!
Hahahaha 13:26 so your relationship "doesn't end up in some shit storm of bad stuff" - LOVE IT! She's great. A lot of thought provoking things. Eye-opening to one of my recent relationships. I was noticing some red flags at 2 months and was thankful to walk away at 2 months instead of 8 months or a year so I and him can heal. Who knows what the future holds, but these are some really helpful techniques I think that I will try to start applying to my life and recognizing. Like using simple requests early on in a relationship to show I have preferences and see how they will adapt or react in relationship!
I feel so grateful to have seen this video. You speak such wisdom. Already shared your video with a friend. These videos are priceless.
Thanks for your kind words!!
So incredibly true ...to be honest with yourself regarding your boundaries and feel comfortable early on to have these conversations about non-negotiables and understand the differences between compliance with compatibility. Incredible insight! Let us know if you are doing a workshop in the metro area to attend. Thanks....
Thank you for sharing your reflections!! I will be at Kripalu in September and you can get more info here kripalu.org/presenters-programs/boundary-boot-camp-women-transform-your-life-and-relationships
Saved for later! This is so relevant in my life right now 💛
This was really great, thank you so much. This was very helpful to me. I hear your sincerity, I want you to know that. ❤️
Thank you so much. :)
Thank you. I've finally come to terms with the realisation of my one non-negotiable deal breaker in my lop-sided relationship with my daughter is that I will no longer tolerate the emotional abuse of months of 'silent treatment' which she defines as a demand for her own space. She can have as much time and space as she wants without me. I'm done!
Robyn Daniels maybe she wants space because you’re intolerable?
Dear Ginko-whatever! Ah! Always the trolls have some poison to add to someone already hurting! Since you know neither of us, from your unwanted comment (was I talking to you?No. So butt out) I have to assume you are with my narcissistic daughter (birds of a feather etc) in thinking the emotional abuse of 'silent treatment' is ok. Your comment says more about you than me! Thank you for your (uninvited) opinion but take a good look in the mirror of your own intolerant remarks and outlook! Guess you'we just not the supportive nurturing kind. Go work on yourself before trying to fix others.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. Coming to a point of clarity is so helpful in moving forward and keeping yourself healthy.
Wow!!! Incredible episode
❤️❤️❤️
You obviously have an excellent grasp on human behaviors. Your videos resonate so clearly. I have can identify with narcissistic relationships. I have been in mine for 30 years. Gaslighting is common. This is the first time I feel I can learn from someone on how to deal with this!!! Thank you so much, you are absolutely amazing!! 😉
You're very welcome!! Thank you for being here!
Thank you 😊💕
Hi Terri, Im new today. This really helped to clear the difference between compliance and compatible. It also cleared that when things change its ok to speak up and say it, "I know it used to be this way but now I dont want it to be or I dont like it anymore." Specifically in my case was the smoking of cigarettes and cigars and I saw a gradual increase in alcohol. I did not want to be exposed to second hand smoke back then. Now adays its much more the law😊 I also was not raised around alcohol.
Right on!!! Thank you for being here, and thank you for sharing your story!
I just started dating again and I am very up front about getting to know someone before a relationship forms ie sex meeting family kids ect and each date I have gone on have tried to encourage sex and I have said no not ready for that and they said lets be friends ladada this is frustrating
@Jennifer. From a male who won't do or give even in my 50's when it comes to sex.... Sort of like slow down and smell the roses... Those who can't handle that isn't right for me. Nothing wrong with your convictions.
@@daviddolan4033 that is my thought
Good for you for asking for what you need. It's not a fit for everyone, but there are people that will align with you.
Terri Cole, thank you for helping me understand
You're welcome. Thank YOU for being here!
@@terri_cole you helped me understand child alienation .
A while back.
I was\am the one with three daughters
I worry. I can see the conditioning and control.
I went through the devaluation discard, sudden divorce after 28 years.
totally bewildered
I sought help
I knew this was beyond me to understand
You showed me
You helped me
I listen carefully to you
And many others
I am a CT Yankee that traveled to see the world after university in new England.
Little did I know about covert toxicity resulting from child trauma.
I saw and felt something was not right.
What I did not see was the infidelity then discard although the abuse was prevalent.
I had no one to show me a mirror.
I went looking.
Thank you Terri Cole for your being.
Silent sufferer....that’s me.🖐🏻I am trying to date and not be codependent like I have been all my life but boy it’s not easy for me when I realize I need to assert my needs....it feels like I’m showing him too many of my cards and I like to keep my cards close to my chest to avoid being hurt but I’m realizing that’s the wrong way to go about it!
I hear you. You're not alone. But your boundaries are for YOU and to support your needs. Communicating a boundary to someone lets them know you better and how they can love you. We do a disservice when we do not communicate our boundaries.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM I agree completely.
Thanks, Terri. Great stuff. Shared with my Boundaries for Women community on fb.
Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for the concise bottom lining that helps to create healthy relationships!
Thank you for being here, Cindy!
Thank you for making this wonderful video, Teri!! 👍👍God bless🙏🤞🎆
You're welcome!!
Excellent video. Thank you so much!!
Awesome advice will be sharing this with a few friends.too
Why is it so hard to stick to my dealbreakers... narcissistic ppl are so good at the lies .. but now i will never kno the truth ... lying is a dealbreaker 💔💔💔
Lol in my opinion you have to do the work on yourself. If we are attracting toxic people it says something about us!
That's part of it. And sometimes it's an opportunity to practice and level up in our skills!
This was so much in time!
This is something I am really working on and this video was very helpful!
So glad to hear it!
Great video, I have such a difficult time bringing up the difficult conversations 😞
You can do it!
LOVE YOU TERRI!!!! XO SHONA XO
External elements and relationships 😁
Shared!!! Amazing video!
Thank you for sharing!!
This totally sounds like passive aggressive behavior my White Aunt does. Instructing women to "make a simple request" could work. But.."I'd rather have it done sooner than later" STILL has high potential for becoming a passive aggressive order since a timeline has been specified. It's passively toned DEMAND. Most folks either comply or they won't be receptive. If they're not responsive & don't do the chore at the time requested...then the requester gets to mope around as though they're the victim (She usually does the chore herself & then says it's "ok". But keeps a score card.). So this in fact is a "passively toned DEMAND". Not a simple request.
thankyou youraterial is so helpful and appreciated 🙏🌹❤
❤️
Good morning Terri!! Do you have more videos about healthy relationships raising children?
Thank you so much. ❤❤❤
You cutie x fantastic work love your videos xx Thanx with love n light x
Hello Terry... Can you please make a video on Triangulation in family and within siblings....and how to deal with such people
I was a silent sufferer not in my adult hood it’s a wrap for that
Thank you 💕
💕Thank You! 💕
🙏🏻 Thank you
You are so welcome ❤️
I would like but I don't want to break the 444 ♡
The link to the cheat sheet isn’t working
I didn't get that last bit did you say " identified patient in the relationship"?
also a deal breaker for me is putting my heart into atrial fibrillation or standing shouting at me in the street as if I am a child telling me to"runaway home there getaway home there" and I'm a middle-aged woman from someone I'm not interested in. Who does that?
That was hilarious lol
Can't handle the angry tone of this video. It's my deal breaker.
Thank you for the feedback.